#not going to specify who this is about. iykyk | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jplupine · 11 months ago

Text

"Good Boy."

Pairing: Kenpachi Zaraki x AFAB Reader Word Count: ~5k Date Published: Jan 2, 2024 WARNINGS: 18+ Minors/Ageless get blocked, Established Relationship, Size Difference, Marking, Feral Behavior, Choker, Finger Sucking, Handjob, Hair Pulling, Cunnilingus, Praise Kink, Light Degradation, Office Sex, Terms of Endearment [My Love, Sweetheart, Good Boy], Creampie, Overstimulation, Dom!Reader, Sub!Kenpachi; Reader is AFAB but no gender is specified, Terms such as cock/dick/etc. get used

A/N: Y'all, Kenpachi really does make SUCH a good guard dog sub iykyk 😫 going feral every time I think about it

It was quiet as you went back and forth between your desk and the shelves as you got work done. Some of the windows were open to let in the breeze along with sounds from the garden. Birds chirping, a running waterfall, and a shishi-odoshi rhythmically thunking against a rock.

It was rare to get such a peaceful day given the ruckus your peers tended to cause.

Grabbing a folder from the basket on the corner of your desk, you flipped it open to start signing the paperwork within. The scratching of your pen against the paper was a dull, monotonous sound.

You suddenly jolted when screeching laughter went running past outside. Yachiru's voice was unmistakable, as was Ikkaku's as he bellowed and demanded for the little girl to leave him alone. You heavily sighed and grabbed a tissue to dab at the ink that had been smeared when you got startled.

Their voices eventually faded the further away from the building they got. Peace returned, and you closed the folder before standing and taking it to the Captain's desk on the other side of the room. Placing it down, you then went back to your seat to go through the motions again.

As you read through another report, you saw a large shadow cross over one of the windows from the corner of your eye. The door then swung open before a tall man ducked under the frame to enter the room.

"About time you got here. Those files are piling up." You stated without looking up from the pages in front of you.

"So?"

"So, you need to go through those reports and sign off on them. I'm not doing all of the work here." You maintained a firm tone as Kenpachi crossed the room to his desk. He flopped down into his chair, the poor thing creaking under his weight.

"I thought you liked this boring shit." Kenpachi huffed, and you finally looked up. He was leaning back in his seat with his arms crossed and a stern look on his face.

"Captain, there's a difference between being responsible and enjoying this work. Now," You softly sighed while pointing at the piles of folders on his desk. "those are mission reports, those are training reports, and those are-"

"I don't care." Kenpachi cut you off while keeping his gaze on you. Your mouth pursed into a flat line, and you maintained eye contact.

"Captain." Your tone made one of his bald eyebrows quirk up. "You can't keep pawning your responsibilities off on others just because you find them boring." Kenpachi didn't respond at first. He looked to be sizing you up before he cocked his head to the side.

"C'mere." There was another silent pause before you softly sighed through your nose and stood up. Leaving your pen on the desk, you then went over to his side of the room. "Who do you think you are telling your captain what to do?"

"I think I'm the one who keeps having to clean up after you." Glancing down at the stacks of paperwork on his desk, you then looked back up at him. "You're worse than a dog, Captain. Even a puppy knows to sit and stay when told." You went around the desk while Kenpachi watched you with sharp eyes and his arms still crossed.

You noticed how he tensed ever so slightly now that you were on the same side of the desk as him. Placing a hand on the desk, you didn't back down even with the intimidating expression on Kenpachi's face.

"Did you just compare me to a fucking dog?" His voice growled as his fingers dug into his arms.

"Don't like it? Maybe you should do your job." Kenpachi shot up out of his seat to tower over you and planted his hands on the desk on either side of you.

"Maybe I should do my job and remind you of your place." His upper lip curled up into a snarl, but you were too used to his intimidation that it no longer worked on you. Instead, you stood up straighter with your face only inches from his.

"Sit down." You ordered, but Kenpachi didn't move an inch, so you hooked your foot around his chair to bring it closer. It was clear you wouldn't repeat yourself, and Kenpachi slowly sat down with his hands still on the desk, your eyes locked the entire time. "Now, you're not leaving here until that paperwork is done. Understood?"

Kenpachi burst into mad laughter, but you remained stern.

"I'm not joking, Kenpachi." You curled your fingers behind his choker as your gaze dropped. "I know you hate this part of your job, but it must be done. I'll make it easier for you if you want. Only if you actually stay here and work."

"....I'm listening." Kenpachi's tone softened with his gaze dropping to your mouth.

"Good boy." You smiled while bringing your face closer to his. "I'll give you a treat for each one you complete."

"What kind of treat?"

"The kind that makes you whimper." You purred before kissing him. Kenpachi went to stand while caging you against the desk, but you stopped him before he could get much further. "Ah-ah. Sit back down."

"C'mon-"

"You heard me. Sit. Down." You raised your eyebrows, daring him to disobey. Kenpachi growled, but he did as told. "The treats come after." You grabbed a file and pulled it closer to open it. Picking up a pen, you held it out to him.

"How do you expect me to focus now?"

"Aw, you poor thing. Don't tell me you're already worked up without me even touching you." You smiled again and lifted his face by his chin. "I guess I can make a little compromise. Take the pen."

He snatched it from you, and you sat on his thigh. His nose brushed against your jaw until you grabbed his choker and forced his head away.

"Look at the paper, not me."

"Little shit." Kenpachi growled while tearing his gaze away to look at the opened file folder.

"Don't be rude. I don't have to help you." You kissed his cheek as he grumbled under his breath. You heard the scratching of the pen as he signed his name on the bottom line of the first page. His grip on the pen wasn't a comfortable one, but that was no surprise given how he would avoid paperwork as much as possible and only did it begrudgingly.

He flipped to the next page, and you kissed the corner of his jaw.

"Are you not even going to read it?"

"I know you already did."

"So?"

"So, if it was that big of a deal, you'd say somethin'."

"Our squad would suffer without me." You softly sighed while grabbing his sash to undo the knot. Kenpachi's cock was already hard and lifting the front of his hakama, and he signed his name again. "Keep writing." You ordered when Kenpachi was about to turn toward you. "Good boy." His sash came undone as you kissed the side of his neck.

You then opened his haori and kosode more to expose his torso entirely. Kenpachi was tense and gripping the pen tighter as you kissed down the side of his neck.

"Just keep working. You're doing good." Pulling his hakama down, his cock sprung free. "Open your mouth." Kenpachi's jaws parted as his long tongue stuck out. You placed your fingers into his mouth with his tongue curling around your digits. "Get them nice and wet, sweetheart." You purred and kissed his cheek.

Kenpachi struggled to keep his eyes on the papers in front of him. His hand not busy writing moved from the desk to grab your hip and pull you even closer. You felt his thigh tense beneath you as you stroked your fingers over his tongue until he began to drool.

His saliva dripped down his chin and your hand. Kenpachi grunted with his teeth bared like fangs, but you knew he wouldn't bite down on your fingers, not with the promise of pleasure being so close.

When you finally pulled away from his mouth, drool stretched between your fingertips and his lips. You lowered your hand to grab his dick and smear his saliva over the length of his shaft. Kenpachi shuddered and hunched over with a shaky breath.

"Fuck."

"Focus. You need to make that legible." Your hand went higher, stroking over the head of his cock. There was an audible snap from Kenpachi's grip breaking the pen. It made you chuckle before you opened one of the desk drawers with your foot. "There's more pens in there. You're not getting out of work that easily."

"Damn it." Kenpachi reluctantly picked up a pen from the drawer.

"Come on. You're almost done with this one." You slid your fingers into his hair, and he groaned while leaning into your touch. His grip on your hip tightened as you continued to languidly stroke his cock.

Kenpachi made it to the end of the page before slamming the folder closed. He dropped the pen and turned to you, wrapping his arms around you while burying his face into the side of your neck. His tongue lapped over your pulse as his fingers dug into your flesh until you pulled his hair to yank his head back.

"It's cute when you're so eager."

"I finished the damn thing."

"Yes, you did." You chuckled. "But that's not the only one, my love."

"You said I'd get a treat for each one I finish."

"I did."

"Then why the fuck are you pulling me away?"

"Maybe I want a kiss." You smiled before pressing your lips to his. The kiss was hungry and intensified when you slid your tongue into his mouth. Your thumb rubbed over his slit, smearing precum and making him moan into your mouth.

His hips bucked, driving his cock further into your hand.

"Touch me." Your voice was breathy as you spoke against his lips before you continued the kiss. Kenpachi's large hand went between your thighs, rubbing against your core through your clothes.

Kenpachi groaned as your fingers tangled in his hair to tug again. You nipped his bottom lip before licking to soothe the sting.

"Finish another one, and you can take my clothes off." You muttered while looking at his kiss-swollen lips. His hand shot out to grab another folder. "Mm. Perhaps I spoil you too much."

"I'm not spoiled." Kenpachi snapped with a glare.

"Really? Work, then." You raised your eyebrows while pulling away from him. You even crossed your arms to stop touching him. "If you're not spoiled, I shouldn't have to reward you just to get you to do your duties." Kenpachi looked shocked as his mouth hung open with his brows deeply furrowed.

You stood up with your back turned to him. You could feel Kenpachi's burning gaze as the corners of your mouth twitched up into an amused smile.

"As I was saying earlier, these ones are-" You cut yourself off when Kenpachi was on his feet and looming over you. He slammed his hands down on the desk, his hot breath hitting the top of your head.

"I don't need you to get work done." Kenpachi growled. Without saying anything, you flipped open the file and made your challenge clear.

You were pushing it, toying with Kenpachi's limits. His nails dug into the desk as he huffed, and you wondered what he might do. Would he crack and give in or would his stubbornness get in the way?

Kenpachi picked up the pen and began to scribble along the printed line. You flipped the page once he was done to expose the next one. When he got to the third page, Kenpachi stepped closer as his writing began to slow. His lips brushed the back of your neck with his body pressing against yours.

You ignored him to keep him working. His sharp teeth scraped over your skin, sending a tingle up your spine. Kenpachi nipped while grinding against your ass to get friction against his erection.

"See? You couldn't even make it five minutes."

"Shut up." Kenpachi growled against the back of your neck.

"Why? Are you embarrassed?" You smirked while leaning back and looking up to see the tall man. His gaze was a mix of agitation and wanting. "I can't take your anger seriously when you can't even stop humping me like a dog."

"I'm the captain. This is my office. You are my subordinate."

"Oh, listen to you barking. It's sweet how you try, but we both know the truth." Your hand reached back to run up his bare thigh. You studied his face, watching every subtle change in his expression as he listened to you. "Ranks mean nothing here." Reaching up with your other hand, you cupped his cheek, and he leaned into your touch. "Just give in to me. Let me take the weight off your shoulders, my love."

You could see the way he seemed to think about it. You already knew he'd bend; he craved you too much to deny you.

His hand suddenly grabbed your sash only to have you smack it away.

"I already told you the terms, Kenpachi. My clothes don't come off until you've finished going through this file." The large man responded by huffing through his nose like a bull with an irritated expression on his face. "Don't give me that look. You're the one taking forever to finish your work."

"I-"

"No. And I won't repeat myself again." Your tone had a threatening edge that got his attention. It was a battle of wills, and you both knew your resolve was much stronger. Kenpachi was greatly driven by his instincts given his upbringing and was rarely ever patient. It was something you used against him to make him crumble.

He was already aching, and grinding against your ass wasn't enough- he wanted more. So he angrily scrawled on the papers on the desk, signing off on the reports that had been waiting so long for him to do so. You couldn't help but smile at your victory. You rocked your hips back, pressing against his hard cock to tease him.

"Ngh!" Kenpachi hunched over with his jaw clenched tight, his nails digging into the desk as his grip on the pen was nearly crushing it. You then turned around to face him while sitting against the edge of the desk.

With his hakama pooled around his ankles and the rest of his clothes barely hanging on his shoulders, there was nothing obscuring your view of his body. His thighs were like tree trunks on either side of you, his dick hard and leaking from the tip as his broad chest rose and fell with each breath.

You hummed and grabbed his hips to pull him closer while listening to the scratching of the pen against the paper.

"Oh, sweetheart. You should finish that fast if you want to take care of this anytime soon." You cooed while running your finger over the head of his cock to collect the precum beading there. Kenpachi's hips bucked as his breath shook, and now that you were facing him, you could see every twitch and flex of his muscles from your touch.

Even his thighs twitched on either side of you as you made it harder for him to focus. Leaning forward, you kissed his warm chest before licking. You listened to how his breath faltered as he tried so hard to get to the last page of the report. You were feeding off of his desperation.

Grabbing his choker, you pulled him closer to kiss down the side of his neck. Your hands went up the back of his thighs before cupping his ass and squeezing. Kenpachi jolted and paused for a second to take a deep breath.

Your hands traveled over his hips and down his thighs only to trail back up his inner thighs. Your fingertips ghosting over the sensitive skin there made Kenpachi's cock twitch. Precum left a trail of moisture along his shaft as he rocked his hips as if silently begging for you to touch him where he needed it most.

Dragging your finger up the underside of his dick, Kenpachi grunted. The low, gravelly sound delighted you as you continued to toy with the large man before you. Your fingertips traced his form, following the dips and curves of his muscles as you nipped his chest and left gentle marks on his skin.

Kenpachi, on the other hand, was barely hanging on. He was beginning to sound like an animal with his heavy breaths and grunting through clenched teeth. His hips rocked, seeking any relief he could get while struggling to get to the end of the report.

You knew when he finally reached the end because he nearly ripped your sash off and threw open your kosode. Kenpachi was determined to get you undressed as soon as possible without ruining your clothes. No matter how tempting it was to do so, he knew the consequences from the last time he'd done it and left you pissed off and waiting in the office while he had to go find you new clothes.

His hands were on you, pulling and squeezing to get your body against his without any space in between. His face was in your hair, inhaling your scent without shame with a groan.

You grabbed his haori to shove it off his shoulders, leaving him naked with his clothes piled on the floor. Kenpachi nipped the corner of your jaw before licking to soothe the sting as he wrapped his arms around you to get you on the desk. You slid the reports back to make more room.

Kenpachi left sloppy kisses down the side of your neck while running his hands up your thighs. His tongue dragged over your collarbone as your fingers tangled in his hair. You pushed his head lower while spreading your legs further.

"I'll give you a choice here. I'll let you cum if you finish another report, or you can use that tongue of yours first instead." Kenpachi looked up at you, and without hesitation, buried his face between your thighs. He grabbed your hips to pull you closer to the edge of the desk as he fell to his knees. "Good boy." You purred while running your fingers through his wild hair.

Kenpachi groaned when he tasted your arousal. With one hand still in his hair, you placed the other on the desk to give you better stability. His tongue made broad strokes to lap up your accumulated slick, but he wasn't slow. No, he was like a starved man and a mess.

His eyes were hooded but never fully closed as he dragged his tongue over your clit. You took in a sharp breath and tightened your grip on his hair. Kenpachi groaned, the vibration traveling along his tongue in the best ways.

You tilted your hips to give him easier access to your leaking core, and he greedily slid his tongue deep inside to let your taste drown his taste buds. His hands moved from your hips to your thighs while getting your legs over his broad shoulders.

Kenpachi was noisy and dug his fingers into your plush thighs. His naturally menacing features were endearing with the red tint coloring the tips of his ears and his nose scrunched up with a snarl. It was as if he couldn't get enough of you with the way he pulled you closer and groaned into your wet heat.

His tongue eventually retreated only for his lips to close around your clit. You moaned when he began sucking and let your head fall back with your eyes closed. His strong grip on your thighs helped keep you grounded because, fuck, was his mouth good for more than just shouting.

"That's it. You're doing so good." Your breathy voice was followed by a moan. Kenpachi dragged his tongue over your clit before delving back into your core. You looked down at him to see that he was already looking up at you. "What's the matter, gorgeous? Reaching your limit?"

Kenpachi growled while tightening his grip on your thighs to the point of bruising. His pupils were wide and made his eyes look so dark, and the hunger within their depths made you nearly pounce on him, but you had to maintain at least a modicum of self-control. There was no telling what damage could be done to the office if you didn't.

"You're- Ngh!- right where you belong, my love. On your knees for me." You gave a lopsided grin while running your fingers through his hair. "I bet your poor cock is weeping being so neglected." You tugged on his hair to force his face back away from you.

Around his mouth and chin were soaked with drool and your slick, mixing and dripping from his chin as he panted. Kenpachi licked his lips like a hungry animal would its maw.

"Do you think you deserve to cum?" You questioned while cocking your head to the side.

"Yes." Kenpachi's voice was low and husky.

"I don't know." You hummed.

"What else do you want from me? The reports? I'll fill out the fucking reports."

"Begging now, are you? My, you must be desperate." You leaned over while pulling his hair to make his head lean back. Kissing his forehead, you smiled. "All right, sweetheart." You slid your legs off his shoulders to stand.

Placing your hands on his shoulders, you lowered yourself to straddle his lap and to keep him on his knees. Draping one arm over the back of his neck, you reached down with your other hand. Kenpachi grabbed your hips as you palmed his cock to guide him toward your entrance.

The slick and saliva helped ease his way in, and you kissed him while feeling him go deeper and deeper. You could taste yourself on his lips as he groaned. Kenpachi's grip tightened, digging his fingers into your flesh with a low grunt.

"Mmm. Fuck, you feel so good." You muttered with your lips brushing against his while carding your fingers through the trail of hair under his belly button. With your feet hooked over his thighs, you were able to lift yourself before lowering back down.

Kenpachi's hands moved from your hips to grab your ass. You licked his cheek while running your hand up his torso. His breath shook as you touched him.

"Open your eyes, sweetheart. Look at me." Kenpachi opened his eyes and looked right into yours. "You're doing so good. But I want you to do one more thing for me, my love."

His jaw clenched as his eyes begged you to not make him wait any longer. He'd been holding out this entire time, doing as you asked, listening to your orders and accepting your terms.

You chuckled and grabbed his choker before falling back while dragging him down with you. You landed on your clothes with him hovering over you. Taking in a deep breath through your nose, you slowly let it out through your mouth.

"I want you to let loose, big boy. Make me cum." You purred while still holding his choker. Kenpachi's nostrils flared as he huffed like a bull. He planted his hands on the floor on either side of you before rocking his hips back.

"Fucking finally." Kenpachi muttered before thrusting his hips into you. He groaned as you bit your bottom lip. His long hair spilled over his shoulders and swayed with his thrusting.

"Harder." You panted while tugging on his choker, and he did as told, going harder while digging his nails into the floor. You moaned with your legs hooking over his hips. After a few thrusts, however, Kenpachi snatched something from the floor while lifting your hips. He shoved the garment under you after rolling it up.

Kenpachi had used his Captain's Haori to angle your hips higher. Given the size difference between you two, it made it easier for Kenpachi to go deeper at the perfect angle. Your head rolled back with a moan as Kenpachi groaned. He was pistoning his cock, his balls smacking against your ass with each thrust.

"Fuck! Yes, right there!" You pulled Kenpachi closer, and he buried his face into your neck, moaning into your skin. His larger body caged yours against the floor as he clung to you, his grip rough enough to leave marks.

Your nails raked over his back, leaving red lines in their wake. Kenpachi bucked his hips as he grunted and his hot breath rolled over your skin. You felt his lips part before his teeth grazed your shoulder.

One of your hands slid up the back of his neck and into his hair. His thrusts jostled your entire body, his dick dragging against your walls before slamming back in at a rapid pace. He was grunting and groaning into your shoulder with some of the sounds he made coming out like growls and whines.

"Oh, fuck~!" You pulled on his hair while leaving more marks on his back. "Don't stop! Don't you dare fucking stop!" The pressure was rising in your lower gut as you could feel your orgasm getting closer and closer.

Kenpachi groaned and latched his mouth on the side of your neck to leave a hickey. His rough hands pulled you even closer to his body, skin feeling so hot as if a fire was burning just beneath. He let go of your neck with a pop before dragging his tongue over the forming bruise.

His mark was too high to be hidden beneath your uniform, but you didn't mind. The needy brute was like a dog marking territory, making sure others knew you were taken. Who else could make him feel this way and beg for it again if not you?

How your fingers tangled in his hair and pulled, the marks you left on his skin, the way you squeezed around him; it was maddening.

"Look at me, sweetheart." You got Kenpachi to lift his head to look at you. He was a mess, drooling and panting with his hair looking wilder from you mussing it up. Cupping his face in your hands, you brushed your thumbs over his cheeks. "That's my good boy." You cooed, but his gaze went unfocused as his jaw dropped with a loud, rumbling moan.

Kenpachi rutted with his balls still smacking against your ass, his cock twitching with each spurt of cum. His entire body tensed, but he forced his hips to keep moving.

"I told you to make me cum."

"I will. I will." Kenpachi panted and grabbed the back of your knees to push your legs toward your chest. "I can keep going." He grunted, but you could hear the edge of desperation in his voice. With his hips flush against your ass, you felt so utterly full as his cum was leaking out.

His gaze was glued to you as his thrusts were slower but deeper than before. Kenpachi looked feral with drool dripping down his chin and the veins in his his arms bulging as he held you in place. He was determined to give you what you wanted no matter how overstimulated he got.

You placed one of your hands over your pelvis and added pressure, making both of you moan. Kenpachi bucked and shuddered while snarling and trying so hard to hang on. With your other hand, you began to rub circles over your clit.

The sound Kenpachi made as you clenched around his cock was a gravely whimper as his back arched. His grip on your thighs tightened, and you listened to him cry out. His determination to give you what you wanted, to make you happy, was the only thing keeping him going. Kenpachi's overly sensitive dick continued plowing and forcing out his cum with each thrust.

It made a mess on both of you, and you were filled with pride. Watching the large, intimidating man crumbling over you was such a delight. He was trying his best to wade through the pleasure and overstimulation numbing his mind to make sure you got to cum, too.

When you finally did get to climax, Kenpachi was cumming again with a loud, bellowing moan. He buried his cock in you as deep as he could, feeling you tense around him as his eyes closed from the overwhelming sensations.

Kenpachi groaned while dropping on top of you. His face nuzzled under your jaw with his arms wrapping around you.

"Aw, tuckered out now? That's okay. You did so good." You couldn't help but chuckle before kissing the side of his head. Wrapping your arms around him, you even carded your fingers through his hair in a comforting manner. Despite his weight on you, it wasn't too much for you to tell him to move. You let him rest on you, skin to skin, as his heavy breathing began to mellow out.

With your cheek resting on his head, your hand not playing with his hair began to rub soothing circles over his shoulder blade.

"Do you need water?" You questioned, and Kenpachi grunted in response. "I have a bottle at my desk if you do." He only grunted again. "You're so cute like this, my love." You chuckled and kissed the side of his head again.

In return, Kenpachi just nuzzled against you further. After all of your teasing and then the overstimulation, it wasn't a surprise that he would need a moment to collect himself. Your touch was gentle and helped ground him.

"A reward for each report?" Kenpachi mumbled against your throat.

"Yes, you'll still get a treat. But only when you finish them." Your answer was met with a grunt to let you know you had been heard. Kenpachi suddenly reared up, kneeling while leaning on the edge of the desk. You heard the rustling of papers from him going through another report. Chuckling, you sat up and kissed his chest before resting your cheek against his skin, listening to his heartbeat while patiently waiting and thinking of his next reward.

#kenpachi zaraki #kenpachi smut #bleach smut #bleach fanfic #bleach #bleach x reader #kenpachi x reader #reader x character #afab reader #sub!character #dom!reader #sub!kenpachi #lemon #Wolf does fanfic

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silvers-not-home · 3 months ago

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my lame fucking autistic rambling

here's my massive stupid autistic rant about life series characters and my head canons for them

literally everything i'm thinking about is going on here im not even processing it im just typing sorry for any typos there will be many😭

this is also for my two (2) mutuals who i care for very deeply kiss kiss hug hug <3 /p /gen

okay it's the morning so i'm gonna continue this thumbs up emoji

starting off strong with mr grian minecraft himself (oh wow what a surprise /s)

he tried piercing his own nose in highschool. like. he was THE teenage dirtbag. sneaking out, drinking, smoking, shitty garage band that got nowhere (yes the bad boys was a garage band you c ant change my mind), mcr, pierce the veil, paramore, sexuality and gender crisis, "i know a guy", shoplifting, skipping class, you name it be probably did it with jimmy and joel during freshmen-sophomore year

pearl is his sister, jimmy and lizzie are his cousins (older cousins i should specify. him and pearl are twins but she's the older twin) and they went to the same high school. he met joel through lizzie and jimmy and joel and grian all clicked instantly

joel would stay at jimmy and grians place so much to the point it was like a second home to him and they would all hang out in the basement. joel stayed with his grandparents and helped them out a lot but they passed while he was in his bad boys phase and so he just stayed at grians place a whole lot during his depression (don't worry he's fine now just a little fucked up but they all are)

grian and pearls parents were kinda really shitty (yes i'm also counting yhs lore fuck uou) his whole life and so they got taken by cps and they lived with jimmy and lizzie's parents. and they were much better until he went to japan and all that shit happened (iykyk)

sam made him really realize that like. "oh my fucking god i'm gay. and it's for a damn sociopath. fuck." (that's like half canon)

he and taurtis DID hook up every tuesday thumbs up emoji

his wings didn't start growing in until AFTER senior year (so post japan/yhs incident)

the yhs holds a ceremony thingy for all the people that passed during all that shit and he goes every year and still has rowens glasses and ran into taurtis one year and it was awkward as HELLL but like. it wasn't an awful experience neither of them knew what to say. especially taurtks is bc by then grians wings had already fully grown in and his ass DID NOT recognize him💀

oh yeah also the four of the cousins are all winged animals so grians a parrot, pearl is a moth but like she's one of the super fluffy one (i forgot what they're called), jimmy is a canary (for obvious reasons), and lizzie is a flamingo because. fuck it (also half canary too it's from their mom) but she doesn't have as many features as the others

they all grow feathers (except for pearl) when they're stressed or feel a heightened emotion and have the little winged ears. they still do have actual ears but they grew in behind they're human ears and pearl has the little antennae things on top of her head. lizzie's kind of blends into her hair since yk. pink on pink and they're more folded then fanned out(?) if that makes sense?😭

jimmy was an early bloomer while grian was a late bloomer (i'm talking about wing/feather wise)

also some little sexuality/gender headcanons those are always fun :3

grians definitely trans masc and mlm (he/him anything else gives him dysphoria)

jimmy is THE bisexual demiboy icon (he/they)

lizzie is also bisexual (she/they)

pearl is a NONBINARY LESBIANNNN SHOUT OHT YO ALL MY NONBINARY LESBIANS WOOOO (she also uses any pronouns that would be considered feminine/androgynous or basically just. anything other then he/him/anything masculine)

mumbo is ace and omni (they/he)

scar is pan and a demiboy (all pronouns. like seriously he's collecting them like pokémon cards)

tango is bi and TRANSMASC WOOOO SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY TRANSMASC PEOPLE OUT THERE (he/they/flame)

martyn is transmasc and unlabeled. he doesn't want one/or thinks any is fit for him but is on the aspec (he/him)

scott is just. gay. goddamn fa- (he/him)

also just thought abt something grian jimmy and joel all had matching (infected and now faded) stick and poke tattoos that read "bad boys, today, tomorrow and yesterday" but that last part is faded completely since they ran out of pen ink halfway through and jimmys mom came home and they didn't wanna get in trouble (also yes their tattoos are in the same spot as each others it's on the right side of their chest) and let me TELL YOU. lizzie makes fun of joel TO THIS DAY about that tattoo and she likes to trace the words with her finger sometimes when they're cuddling, humming their old songs (he hates it but she still thinks it's absolutely adorable)

grian and mumbo are middle school best friends and he knows everything that happened to grian when he was in japan

grian, scar and mumbo all went to the same high school and mumbo and scar tried making a baking club called (you're never gonna believe this) the buttercups but grian was supposedly "too cool for that fairy shit" but would hang out during lunch with them and go to the meetings and help buy the ingredients and also help bake with them for extra credit and so would jimmy and joel. for extra credit of course

tango, mumbo and impulse were all in the computer club and coding club in highschool. doc was their teacher and cub was the senior teachers assistant trying to get early college credit

jimmy had the FATTEST crush on tango while they were in high school (yes they all went to the same highschool shut up) and tried impressing him by "making" a robot (mumbo made it and gave him the remote and told him to push two single buttons) and he pushed them in the wrong order and it short circuited and it almost exploded. he got suspended for a month and the only reason he didn't get expelled was because tango said it was his and it was a project. he complemented "jimmys" robot and said it had nice coding and a bunch of other nerd /aff terms that didn't make ANY sense to jimmy (that was his way of confessing but jimmys too stupid /aff to understand it at the moment so tango thought he didn't like him back) and when jimmy was talking to grian and joel about it they were yelling at him about how "JIMMY YOU IDIOT HE LIKES YOU BACK" and "WHAT'D YOU SAY? YOU SAID YOU LIKED HIM TOO RIGHT?" to which he (of course) responded with

"NO?? I DONT SPEAK NERD JOEL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW??"

also tango wears a feather jimmy gave to him as an earring and has kept that earring since they started going out which was like sophomore year or smth like that

they also had an exact conversation to joel before lizzie asked him out (and she also proposed too fight me)

i can go on for HOURS about those three but i'm gonna a do stuff about martyn now because. omg. he drives me CRAZY

also just realizing how most of these are just high school head canons. sorry (no i'm not)

everyone in school always thought that the bad boys were the mean bullies bc they wore leather jackets and studs and cuffs and blah blah blah but in reality they were just the dorky, socially anxious losers that were loud in class because they all adhd. not because they were asshole

martyn and scott were the ones you had to worry about (mostly scott actually but martyn would be a passive aggressive bully)

those little twits had an actual burn book. martyn. the almost loser that pierced his own ears, causing them to get infected but refused to take them out because he wanted to match with his fellow mean gill and wore anime shirts to sleep and doc martins (only because they had his name in it dont praise him he was a loser /aff) wrote "annoying dorks" in the burn book page dedicated to the bad boys. he had NO ROOM to talk and i find that hilarious bc him and jimmy were actually really close and he ate the page. yes. he ate the page in front of scott's face after an argument to prove a point and scott has never respected another person more in his life

i also felt like it was important that martyn and scott got voted prom king and queen

martyn LOVES necklaces, rings, bracelets. he has a matching necklace and/or bracelet with all his four (4) friends that consisted of scott and the bad boys. he still has them as an adult and holds onto the charm when he misses them which is all the time (i love martyn angst evil laugh)

ykw fuck it he still wears the necklaces and tucks them under his shirt, he asked everyone else if they still had theirs and it either broke or they lost it

EVERYOEN EXCEPT FOR JIMMY BC THEY WERE CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS AND HE WEARS IT UNDER HIS SHIRT TOO FUCK YOU I LOVE THEM

and for anyone curious it was a dog bone that is split in half and it like one of those magnetic necklaces that you have to get uncomfortably close to eachother for it to work

okay that's enough for tonight bc i have things i need to do tomorrow and thumbs hurt and it threw in the morning and i've been typing for over an hour straight good night cleveland *proceeds to stay online for another hour*

#FUCK K FROGLT I HAVE TO TAG THIS GODDAMNIT #traffic series #trafficblr #trafficshipping #grian #jimmy solidarity #joel smallishbeans #tangotek #ldshadowlady #yhs??#i guess #headcanon #life series headcanon #what else is there #uhhhh #oh right #martyn inthelittlewood #scott smajor #whatever i'm gonna update this tmrw anyways

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 5 months ago

Text

6 month solstice/full moon check-in livejournalstyle

youtube

So i've been advised to recap the past 6 months. Especially since this current Capricorn full moon is exacting at 1 degree Capricorn which happens to be the same degree as My Ascendant. (Pinkmoondoll number 1 :@!!!!!)

The Cancer full moon happened at around 5 degrees on december 26th 2023. That is my ex's birthday. On winter solstice 2023, exactly 6 months ago, i cut her out of my life. We were already broken up for a long time before that but i continued to let her stay in my life for a few reason, namely guilt & fear. Guilt because of the emotional turmoil she projected onto me & fear because, well, we are married and i didn't know what would happen to my immigration status if i cut her off. I still don't! This has not changed yet.

Pretty much everything else about me & my life has changed though. internally at least. Having her out of my life has allowed me so much freedom to get back to who i am & live with integrity. The only people left in my life now are ones who are respectful, kind, have their own shit going on, appreciate that i am my own person too, allow me to breathe, don't expect anything specific from me, don't toy with my mind & emotions. They are just glad to let me be who i am. No one tries to control me anymore. i feel so wonderful because no one can control me.

So the past 6 months has been a series of stages of getting back to Me. unraveling all the lies i was fed for years, healing from the pain of being manipulated, feeling that so much of my energy was wasted. Truly truly wasted. i'm not one of those people who can live without regrets lol. i wish i broke free so much sooner, the stress destroyed my health for years. But ultimately, this is how it went down, so i strive towards acceptance.

For the first few months of this year i was really on a huge substance abuse kick! im not gonna specify what, but iykyk. Like i really just could not bear the weight of what i was feeling. Every day i was finding out more and more info about lies i'd been told, stuff happening behind my back. All i could rly do was take pills & tunnel vision into ableton or drawing or whatever. it helped repress my emotions & i got a lot done during this time but it was unhealthy & the more it progressed i saw how unsustainable it was.

around spring equinox shit HIT THE FAN e_e So this would be the quarter year mark. Well it was march 15 when denji ate the ziploc bag and had to get emergency obstruction removal surgery. That immediately halted all projects i was working on. I was still taking a lot of pills to cope with the stress of that situation & at that point i needed them just to function at a base level. Then i think april 4th or 5th was when i found out Sammy died, which...i mean yeah i've spoken a lot on how horrific that was & still remains to be.

I mean , like, that shit, rearranged my whole brain, that shit reset me. this also marked the time period where like... my psychic senses really began evolving. idt it was necessarily linked to sammy's death, it just weirdly shifted around that time. i think the lunar eclipse in late march caused some type of quantum leap idk man idek. Then the solar eclipse in april sealed the deal. Ever since then the craziest stuff that i cant even rly talk about has been happening to me & i immediately felt compelled to like, quit all drugs and just fucking ascend lol.

Sooo first i started w pill numero uno, the really diabolical one, middle of april i just said fuck it, i am done. at this point i had abused it so hard it wasnt even doing shit for me anymore, even when i took tolerance breaks, it was genuinely pointless to continue. i did wonder how the fuck i was ever gonna function without it and i was scared. The final few weeks of april were just a total write off, didnt do shit, totally depressed & grieving & miserable but weirdly hopeful too. Like i knew i just had to suffer and get it over with.

pill 2 was actually pretty easy to cut back on because ive quit it a bunch of times before & know what to expect, and since i was already suffering so bad from pill 1 after about a week i thought yeah i might as well stop the other one too lol. there was no noticable increase in suffering from stopping it. So by the 2nd week of May it had been around 3 weeks of feeling like pure ass but i was starting to feel WAYYYY better and my normal goofy self again.

That is the worst thing about adhd meds for me lol they robbed me of my whimsy and goofiness T_T Like i was so serious all the time T_T it was even kinda affecting my relationship w slimbo. Like i couldnt be affectionate i was just a robot. All i cared about was working and i was so impatient. As i came off the meds i started to remember how nice it is to just be slow, be in the moment, enjoy simple things with my love, not constantly bound to this gnawing neurosis pushing me to squeeze maximum productivity out of every single second.

like i said , i'm 1 degree cap rising sooo this neurosis is something that exists firmly within my personality, for sure. i mean, if u cant tell, I Be Doing Things lol. And i get very competitive with myself. the dark side of me is that i want to be the best at everything. A big part of my adult life has been learning how to relax. learning how to have fun, learning how to be a little pointless. Without the meds this is a struggle for me so with the meds it was genuinely impossible not to be completely controlled by the rabid impulse to work.

So getting off the meds was a big exercise in confronting my fear of Not being the best. my fear of chilling, my fear of being still & unoccupied. But i did it! And i feel so much better. Like holy shit, i feel SO much better.

By the mid-May i was picking up steam in just being able to live again. a lot of the brainfog & physical heaviness lifted. I was still not very productive at art or music, but i was getting really good at not letting that bug me. spending a lot of time working in the garden, got back into yoga, reading, just doing leisurely stuff that felt expansive to my inner world rather than trying to externalize anything. psychic experiences continued to amplify. became interested in tarot again as i no longer felt i was living in fear of my higher self.

after getting off the pills i began feeling really fixated on the notion of quitting weed. Previously this had been genuinely unthinkable to me. Like, me and weed, we were One, every person i'd ever been as an adult had smoked weed, it was weirdly part of my identity, for 15 years i genuinely believed i could not exist without weed, like i would just lose my fucking mind if i stopped. i did not believe in myself.

But as the psychic experiences progressed i felt strongly that i want to go deeper. Previously i had been afraid to go deeper. In that regard i think i was truly afraid of my own potential. I wasn't ready for it, and that's actually fine. A lot of people aren't.. But as May was coming to a close i knew that i was ready, and actually, it was crucial of me to put an end to this. I was enjoying finally having some sense of peace & joy after how crummy it felt quitting the pills , i didn't really want to disturb that state of being, but i also was having that feeling again that i just need to "get it over with".

So when it struck June 1st i was like yeah fuck it. Let this mark a new beginning. as soon as i realize something is no longer in my best interest its almost impossible for me to keep going with it! like i can't live with myself. I guess that's where my fixation on being "the best" can serve me sometimes. if that makes sense.. Like i willllll always end up putting my foot down and saying NO :T

So yeah. it's recent enough that i don't really feel the need to detail how the first 2 weeks of june were sooooo sucky and emotional and generally dysfunctional. couldn't even read or draw or do any minor tasks i was sooo out of my mind. Not much needs to be said about it. i just had to simply allow time to pass. a lot of days spent in bed crying & dissolving.

right around the 2 week mark we went to missouri & this is when i started noticing myself feeling way way better. the whole time i didn;t even think about weed or my symptoms at all. i was so present in each moment and it was so easy to just feel....alive. also had some intense psychic experiences, one of which i haven;t even talked about on here, and i probably wont because its too sacred. The overarching theme between all the experiences i've been having since late march is that they feel too sacred to tell anyone. The high priestess emphasizes secrecy in some matters..

Which brings us to now, june 21, 21 days w/o weed, 3 weeks. I know that sounds like nothing but this has been 15 YEARS coming. that's half my lifespan so far. and now i just feel fine. i got thru the blues of quitting, all the repressed emotions, im sure they'll still pop up from time to time too. but ultimately i am just so fucking relieved to be free of that shit and like, functioning, able to sleep, not riddled with anxiety and self hatred like i was when i started as a grieving baby teenager.

i guess i wanted to write this to remind myself what a monumental shift i have made in my life in the first half of 2024, and how insanely far i've come in the grand scheme of my life, in a relatively short timespan. because i keep getting this feeling of self doubt where i'm like wait... it's almost july and i've barely completed any tasks, i still havent finished my music, wtf am i doing :( But i dont think i was supposed to finish it until i shed all these habits that were causing major roadblocks in my path!

shed my ex, shed pills, shed weed. shed grief! shed self doubt. emptied my vessel & it has allowed room for so much new life to come through. new forces being channeled. my mediumship abilities now are in focus and taking off at an accelerated rate. for the first time in my life i'm not in survival mode. i feel this is my reward for living through it all when i wanted nothing more than to give up for so many years. i prayed for death, every day, i really did. now i am dead! the old me died. and i carry her memory with honor, i carry on the parts of her that wished to remain and be loved, but she is effectively dead.

for the first time in my life i am really proud of myself. i don't feel so competitive with myself anymore. i don't need to prove myself externally. i do not require any validation of my existence. i can sit with myself without feeling extreme self induced dread & despair. i feel worthy even though i am still (from the outside looking in) at the exact same place i was at 6 months ago.

i'm finally feeling ready to work a little harder again, but not because i'm desperate to gain anything from it. just because it's fun, and fundamentally, as stated above, that drive is a part of my personality, a part of me that i love & cherish. number 1 is the magician. the mage patchouli ~~~ the alchemist. create for the sake of creating.

if anyone read this far, thats wild xD but thats dope too.. I guess one thing i'd like for the future is just to inspire people that you can alchemize the tragedies of your life and all the suffering into something much greater than yourself. You can get through it and be happy with your meager little life one day, even if it takes 30 or 40 years, it's worth it to try & worth it to get here. You do not have to wallow in sadness and self doubt forever, even if u see no way out rn.

i'm happy just being me ^_^ i have so much fun when i'm in my mind. bladee voice ~~be in your mind, be in your mind, be in your mind~~. i love how simple everything feels right now. i love how people & entities can come to me because they trust me to receive their messages & understand them. My own projections do not get in the way anymore. I shed so much. I am free. Happy Strawberry Moon everyone.

SIncerely, PMD9

#LONG AS FUCK post i dont expect anyone to read #tis just for my own purposes / future me ^_^

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