#not even kidding theyre replacing the ones ive had for two years im losing it

[powderrblue]

bingo bango bongo im so happy in the congo

[missjackil]

Winsecurities

I have no doubt in my mind that Sam and Dean love eachother in every human way possible. This is in no way to say one loves the other more than the other, but to just have a look around Sam and Dean’s relationship and see where and possibly why, they are insecure sometimes with each other. 

Anyone reading this that knows me, knows I love both of these boys. I do favor Sam but I have no lowkey or highkey hate for Dean... he’s my buddy and a good dude and just as deserving of love and happiness as Sam is. With that said, it may appear sometimes in this post that Im dumping on one, or blaming him for something unnecessarily, but Im not, Im just making an honest observation.

Since this is about Sam and Dean’s insecurities, this is going to be a long post. So bag a lunch, get comfy, and click the cut if you feel like reading.

Sam and Dean are the most selfless people I know. They’re not selfish men at all, though both displayed some selfishness as kids, but thats normal. They’;ve both grown into men more than willing to put others before themselves, and sacrifice everything for the greater good. However they do have a selfshness when it comes to each other, and this fans the flames of their insecurities. 

If you could ask either of them “Do you love your brother?” Both would say “Yes” before you finished the sentence, but if you were to ask either “Does your brother love you?” They might pause for a second before you get the “Yes”. In their hearts they know it as surely as the sun rises in the morning, but in their heads, sometimes they’re conflicted. 

Sam has an irrational fear of Dean replacing him. He needs to be everything to Dean and doesnt like when others seem to take his place. We dont really even see this until s8 and the show has been chipping at it ever since. Dean has an irrational fear of losing Sam. Either by choice or by death. Dean defines himself as Sam’s caretaker, and doesnt want a life that Sam isnt in. I say these fears are irrational in the sense that neither should be fearing it anymore, not in the sense that the fear has never been warrented. We just recently learned that Dean still fears that Sam is going to decide to leave him someday. 

I believe that Sam has always loved his place in Dean’s world. The precious little brother that Dean protects without argument. His best friend, confidant, the one who always has his back and fully trusts to have his own back. Sam loves that Dean would die for him, so Sam would die for Dean just the same. There have been times though, that Sam has felt smothered. He’s even said so, but he just wants space to grow and breathe, and be Sam, and not only Dean’s little brother, so Sam has seperated himself from Dean at times, and Dean takes it like Sam doesnt need or appreciate him. 

I believe that Dean thinks about Sam first in everything. He depends on him to be his best friend and confidant, to have his back and save him when he needs saving, but Dean likes to surround himself with friends, family and allies, and Sam sometimes takes it as though he’s expendable in Dean’s world. Sam and Dean are each other’s spouces, in every sense of the definition that matters. They are two very different people but one single unit.

Dean’s insecurities with Sam came to our attention very early in the series. Since S1 Dean has shown how badly he wants Sam with him, and fears him leaving. In the Pilot episode Dean says he needs Sam to help him find Dad, and Sam tells him he can do it on his own, and Dean tells him he doesnt want to. We were never given any insite into why they didnt speak for 2 years so, Im just going to leave that out as it seems to be irrelevant to everything. 

I believe they began when they were kids, and Sam started wanting to be like a normal kid. We know from Just My Imagination that at 9 yrs old Sam was begging to come hunting with Dad and Dean, we also learned that he would also like to run away and be normal. At that age, he chose to go with Dad and Dean, instead of running away, but as he aged, it became clear that he didnt want the hunting life. 

I dont think this meant that Sam hated his Dad or Dean at all, he feared for them and himself, so he took himself away from the situation when he could. Having Thanksgiving at a friend’s house, hiding out in a cabin in Flag Staff, going to college, none of these are bad things that Sam did (well ok maybe running away and hiding in a cabin is debatable) but Dean took it personal as leaving him. 

Dean loves taking care of Sam. He’s said he never had to be told to, he would have done it anyway. Sam has always loved it too but when Dean took off to hunt with Dad and left Sam alone he chose something over Sam, and thus fed his insecurities. 

I think where Sam’s insecurities began, just using canon, was always when Dean put something ahead of Sam. He left Sam in a motel room so he could play video games, and Sam almost got killed. Dean left him at Plucky’s to troll for girls while Sam was being scared by the clowns, he left Sam to hunt with Dad, so who was protecting Sam then? Sam thought all these other things were more important than him, and if they were, then does Dean even still love him? (possible thoughts of an adolescent boy)

So we dont really see this insecurity in Sam much until S8 when Dean had Benny. When Sam met Benny, he was ready to kill him before he even knew he was a vampire. There was no way Sam knew he was a vampire when he went for his blade. He was ready to kill him for being some big dude that went on a hunt with Dean... a replacement.  We didnt even know Sam had any qualms with Dean’s friendship with Cas until Dean wanted to go with Cas on his quest but felt he needed to stay behind and help Sam. Sam told him to go, but when Sam was ready to die for thinking Dean cant do this job with him, cant trust him, and would rather be anywhere than help Sam see this through, he gave Dean (and us) an ear full of his pain. And we were all (Dean included) Wait!! Hold up Sam!! Just think for a moment ok? 

Dean assured Sam that nothing is more important than him, never has been, never will be... and Sam came down off the ledge. Sam got hit with the insecurities again in S9, after the trouble with Gadreel, and Sam worried about his place with Dean again. At the end of Sharp Teeth, Sam tells Dean things are broken and they cant be fixed just by saying theyre family, because all their crap comes down to them being family. So he gives Dean somewhat of an ultimatum. You want to work? Lets work... if you want to be brothers?..... well those are my terms” I didnt like that Sam didnt finish that statement, but Im pretty sure, judging from the next several episodes, that the statement would have been “If you want to be brothers.... then we cant work together” and then we see that they took the root of working instead of brothering, and now Sam sees himself as just a hunting parter to Dean. Is it true? Of course not. But we see the whole pciture and Sam just sees what he sees.

The show has been chipping at Sam’s insecurities ever since. Sam feared Dean chosing Amara over him in S11, choosing Mom over him in S12 as family, Cas over him as friend in 13, and Ketch over him as hunting buddy later in 13, and now his life over Sam in just this past episode. He even saw Dean kill himself to save a kid they dont know who was already dead in S13, so I understand why Sam might be confused about his place and importance in Deans life ya know?

Im sure about Sam’s place in Dean’s world. Sam IS his world. Ive seen Deans reactions every time Sam died or Dean thought he was dead... but wanna hear something sad but true? Sam never did. Sam never saw how freaked out Dean gets. How suicidal and broken he is when Sam is gone. Dean doesnt tell him. Sam knows Dean sold his soul for him, but Sam doesnt know Dean sat for like 2 or 3 days crying and talking to his corpse. Maybe if he knew, he wouldnt worry so much right?

I dont want the show to put Sam back in a place where he would voluntarily leave Dean again, but I hope they reassure Sam that he’s Dean’s who world. I think they’ve begun that, with Dean telling Sam why he wanted Sam to stay behind when he went with Ketch, and telling Sam later that he doesnt worry about what happens to himself, but he does care about what happens to his brother. And letting Sam know that he said “Yes” to Michael to save him. Maybe someday these boys will get their shit together and just enjoy getting saving the world and getting old together.