#not crazy over lightskinned people who can turn pink getting to be the default & center of the universe even in what was my fantasies

[koalitee]

You approach him when your friends “leave, some kind of bashful pink covering your cheeks

That line hit me pretty hard cus like... I was so invested and getting super emotional on behalf of him in anticipation of the inevitable heartbreak and then it’s like I heard glass shatter or something as soon as my incapable-of-turning-pink-when-I-blush-because-black-people-cant turn-pink self read that line.....it’s like someone came up from behind me and poured 2 gallons of ice water on me all of a sudden lol

You and Me | Renjun

summary: time’s never been on our side, so will you wait for me?

words: 1.4k

category: angst (pining)

a/n: this one is rlly close to my heart uwu i put a lot of personal feelings into it so I hope you guys enjoy it.

“Are you even listening to me?” Jeno waves a soggy crinkle fry in front of Renjun’s face.

The elder scrunches his nose and sighs. “You were telling me about Y/n’s eyes… again.”

Jeno sighs, much like the fairytale prince that he is. “I wish we were closer friends. Then it’d be so much easier to ask Y/n out.”

Renjun nods and focuses on his drink. Really, he mind flees to you and your eyes. Jeno isn’t wrong; he never is in his admiration for you, but for some reason Renjun feels an uneasiness in his stomach whenever you’re mentioned. He finds himself liking your eyes just as much as Jeno, and that’s a problem.

(Mark tells him it isn’t. “Friends have crushes on the same person all the time. It’s really not that big of a deal.”

Renjun rolls his eyes. “You don’t really get it, though. Jeno would be devastated if he thought I went behind his back.”

“Did you go behind his back?”

“No.”

“Okay then. You’re fine.”)

(When Chenle finds out it’s just torture. “You like Y/n? I always thought the two of you would look adorable together. What did Jeno say?”

“Of course I haven’t told him. I can’t.”

“He’d rather hear it from you over anyone else. Especially with the rumor going around.”

“What rumor?”

“That Y/n likes you.”)

Renjun eyes the table and listens to Jeno’s rants about the shirt you wore today. He can’t bring himself to even picture your smiling face and adorably oversized sweater without feeling guilty. “I’ve got to head to class. We’ll meet up later, yeah?”

-

Renjun’s bed feels exceptionally empty tonight. He knows it’s because you texted him earlier to talk about homework, and the conversation leaked into how cute the new dog cafe in town looked. Renjun was so close in that moment to asking if you would like him to take you.

The message itself was written out clear and precise, a formal invitation to a date.

Then Renjun thinks of Jeno and hits the backspace button. “Jeno was thinking of going there,” he types instead, “you should ask him about it.”

It feels weird, playing wingman when his friend’s crush is his own. It feels weird to have these silent, hidden moments where he imagines himself being able to be completely open with his feelings. He imagines not having to repress his fondness for you.

He imagines being the reason for your smile, and his heart flutters. He curls up under his covers and giggles into his sheets.

Then he thinks of how Jeno is happiest when he talks about you. He thinks of how horrible he would be to take that away.

He sighs and turns over, hoping to fall asleep.

-

School is torture, because his mind is still reeling from the soft dream he had about you the night before.

He swears he could feel your hand in his, and your voice just as clear as day.

Now he has to pretend his feelings for you are completely nonexistent, even when you sit beside him during lunch and offer some of your sour candies to him.

He accepts with a soft and embarrassed smile, avoiding your kind and hesitant eyes as he bites into the candy.

He can’t even appreciate a little moment like this with you, because all he’s thinking is that he hopes Jeno doesn’t see them and think the worst. He hopes they look like just friends, or maybe even less.

Renjun thinks he should’ve distanced himself from you a long time ago.

You bite your lip and turn away, sighing. “Are you okay with me sitting beside you?”

Renjun feels guilty for making you even question something so simple. “Of course! I’m sorry, I just have a few things in my mind.”

You stare at a red gummy, frown, and trade it for a blue one before giving him a close-lipped smile. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Renjun looks at you, and a piece of him forgets he’s supposed to be answering a question. His eyes are busy struggling to take in your soft features, and the way your eyebrows lift with encouragement and expectancy. Renjun wants to tell you right there that you are the most beautiful person he’s ever seen in his life. He wants to take your hand under the table and feel his heartbeat pick up at the contact.

He wants to—

“Hey guys! Can I sit here?”

—forget that Jeno liked you first.

You are still looking at Renjun for an answer. Waiting for him to admit why he’s struggling with his thoughts today. Renjun can’t take the pressure, not when Jeno is right there, vying for your attention. “Of course you can, Jeno! Me and Y/n were just talking about that dog cafe down the road! The one you’ve wanted to go to?”

Jeno’s eyes light up. He pulls you into a conversation about siberian huskies and you reply zealously.

Renjun thinks the two of you would be cute together. His heart thumps weirdly and almost out of place, but he pushes down the feeling and continues to encourage Jeno to keep talking to you.

While you are distracted, Renjun steals a few of your gummies. He leaves the blue ones behind though, just to imagine your smile when you discover that your favorite candies have been there all along.

-

Your smile can light up even Renjun’s worst days. He can never pinpoint when he fell for you, he just knows that it crept up on him like a thief in the night. No matter how many times he’s tried to pry his heart away from you, he finds that you simply won’t let go.

Renjun finds some relief in that fact.

He watches you talk to your friends with animated eyes and a voice that gets higher with each exciting tale you tell. He pretends he doesn’t notice how your eyes keep peering over like you know he’s watching — like you want him to keep looking. He pretends that he doesn’t notice the way your voice gets a little louder, if just to let him hear whatever it is your saying.

He pretends none of this affects him when it absolutely does.

You approach him when your friends leave, some kind of bashful pink covering your cheeks. “This might be a lot to ask, but do you want to walk home with me?”

-

The simple question burns in Renjun’s mind as he walks home alone. Regret pools at his stomach and with every step he takes he finds himself painfully wishing for an alternate reality, where loving you wouldn’t be betraying his best friend.

Because he thinks he deserves a better love story than one that’s forbidden. He thinks Jeno deserves to be loved unconditionally by the one he’s adored for so long. He thinks you should choose your own destiny, but it can’t be with him.

He couldn’t live with the guilt.

As he walks home he replays your disheartened reply in his mind (“Oh, um, no problem! I was just, ah, wondering, you know. Well, have a good day, then.”)

He wonders if you’re okay. He wonders if you hate him now, or worse, thinks he hates you.

He doesn’t see how he could ever regret liking you, but he certainly does regret the circumstances of the situation.

Renjun thinks of all that could’ve been, and all that will be. He lets himself cry out the pain till his pillow is wet and his chest is empty.

He wishes you knew. He wishes he could show you effortlessly and without pain the adoration he carries for you. He wonders if you’ll wait for him, until he can allow himself the privilege of being with you. He wonders if that’s asking way too much of you and comes to the conclusion that it is.

He also comes to the conclusion that you deserve more. You deserve surety and a boy that will love you without a care of who would oppose it. You deserve a love that isn’t afraid.

You deserve someone far greater than him.

[koalitee]

Other than the part saying that “my” face was glowing pink, I quite enjoyed this and thought it was romantic

on the third day of kinkmas, my lover did to me:

[ f a c e - s i t t i n g ]

>>KUN

>>warning/s: breeding kink bc why not, unprotected sex (bc breeding kink duh), a dash of angst

a/n: we need more smutty kuntent for this prince of China

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