#not being able to spiral because he doesnt view his body as his own

[mymp3]

ideation

[thisiskatsblog]

Hi Kat, I often come to seek your wisdom and thoughts on matters such as these because you were the first Larry blog I ever found and the last time I did, you really seemed to understand me and my conflicting emotions and messiness haha. So. My question is what are your thoughts on the Ray and SBB twitter accounts? I found them a few months back when I found a thread explaining a theory of why it's L&H and go back now and again to see what is being posted. I am the darkest Larrie there is, yet

contd: I always prefer to be a cynic because I know just how devastating it is when you put your hope in something only to have it crumbled. And in this fandom, you can't trust anything or anyone unless there is hardcore evidence and proof (aka every millisecond of footage of fetus Larry). There is talk about clues, numbers, iphone/androids and these cryptic riddles and hidden meanings. People do admit in the comments it feels like they're clowning yet I also see thousands resting their hopes contd: on these obscure tweets. I will admit the proof thread I originally read made it seem believable but I then I thought 'who am I kidding, there's no way it could genuinely by H&L'. It doesn't seem like something they would risk, nor something either of them would actually do. It seems like two people baiting Larries and giving us false hope (because in this era where we never get public interaction, many have become far more gullible and willing to believe anything, no matter how far

fetched. Ahh I don't know. It just seems far too good to be true that the two of them are communicating with us through cryptic pictures and riddles and messages. Yes I do believe they both have always found ways to communicate with us, whether it is through songs or body language, because we opened our eyes, we were by their sides and stay strong for them because this is a fight they will win, but I really don't know. It's very cruel if someone is indeed baiting us. Thanks x

 (^^^ March 23rd) 

2.       Anonymous said:

March 25th 2020, 7:06:01 am · a month ago

okay so I just read some master posts explaining RBB and SBB in detail (I didn't get why people were hanging onto every word of Ray and Seymour's tweets like that) and my mind is literally going INSANE trying to process it all. As usual their reactions when asked about it directly on that christmas sweater interview told me all I needed to know back when I watched it but had no idea the sheer significance of these bears until now. It's crazy all the ways L&H showed us the truth all along, to

this day it's just mind-blowing to me. Like they were screaming in the midst of drowning (cough cough Director's Cut), desperate for us to listen and thank God so many of us weren't blind. Sometimes I do feel like maybe I am going crazy or I am delusional for believing in this, as FIMQ said, the cognitive dissonance is real. My mind spirals catastrophically and I doubt my own sanity, and then my mind plays all these touches and glances, slipped words and monumental actions on a loop, far too

much evidence to dispute, and I know I can never go back, how can I, when I've never in my whole life witnessed such magnificent, almost otherworldly love, never cared about any celebrity's love life yet this is far more than that, it is fighting for their love, because they should have never had to be that strong, to endure so much pain, so so young, but they weren't that strong for us to be weak. And I can't wait for the day they are free. No one on this earth deserves it more than L&H.

 3.        Anonymous said:

March 26th 2020, 12:44:47 pm · a month ago

Even I am the darkest Larrie (and yes there is no going back, ever) sometimes I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Loving and supporting and fighting so fucking hard for a love that is as tragic and excruciating as it is the most beautiful, magnificent thing I have ever witnessed. I wonder, did I get it all wrong and what if they don't find their way back to each other, my waking moments are haunted by memories of them, so young, so clearly smitten, like who the fuck finds their soulmate at

that age? What if even if it is 'always going to be h for Lou', even if they were 'too young to know they had everything' but h doesn't forgive him or remember that yes, their love is worth it? Sometimes I feel I am teetering on the brink of insanity, what if Lou actually has a kid? And Harry's album was about a horrible woman who never deserved him? I think I'll be strong for them, even if I have to wait ten or twenty years but I also feel so much pain thinking about it all. I have never

doubted my own sanity in my life, but lately I wonder so often if I am delusional for having faith in the love of two boys who we're fated to meet and fall in love. I can't even watch them in their baby boyfriends stage or watch edits anymore because I feel physical pain because they never deserved that. I feel pain thinking about their pain, no one should have to face that so young. To be that strong. I want to be strong yet and I try so hard but i also feel I am going mad. I don't even know.

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Three anons that I suspect are the same person (and maybe even the same one I just answered). Big hugs to you dear anonymous person! And thanks for the compliment. And the patience. I’m so sorry it took me so long to answer. Not sure if I have anything helpful to say, still, except: the fact that you’ve started doubting your sanity, that cognitive dissonance you feel, that dizzy head nauseous gut feeling you get when what you see and what you hear and what you read, just doesn’t match up but you haven’t been able to rationally unravel it yet. That feeling is probably your best proof that something is very amiss, and that Louis’ and Harry’s relationship is very real. We all know that feeling, and it tends to get worse the more caught up in fandom you get.

Your sanity is worth preserving though, so - in my view - it’s better to leave the fandom for a while, however short, to take care of yourself, and be strong for yourself when you feel like it’s draining you too much. You can do that by physically leaving social media, or by taking emotional, and mental distance on a regular basis.

I always remind myself that I have no influence over whether Louis and Harry eventually make it together. And next to no influence over their careers, management, label. I can decide what I do, and have a wee tiny bit of influence on the modest amount of followers of this blog, and then a wee little bit more through the other one - but all in all, my actions, the person they matter most to, the person they influence most, is me. So I try to do, in life, and in this fandom, the things that make me happy. Worrying, does not make me happy. Arguing with hets rads antis and all the other new abbreviations i don’t really get, doesnt make me happy either - I only do it when I’m having one of those days or one of them really sets me off like the other day. But in general, what makes me happy is focusing on the positive. What this fandom has brought me. And has brought other LGBTQ+ people. What are we learning here, what stories do we tell eachother, how are we making eachother better here. 

All of that said: Louis, and Harry, have both sung, in this past year, that they “made it”, and referenced eachother’s music videos in important ways. So I honestly don’t think there’s much to worry about. I think that, whatever was causing them difficulties, they already “found their way back”. I think they are allright.

And I want us to be allright to. That’s something we can influence, that we can do for eachother. So I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you

I enjoyed reading your SBB post, talking about the sweater interview. That part of it was wonderful, and everything we needed to know. I took RBB and SBB with a big grain of salt in the beginning, but I have reason to believe it was them, or someone very close to them, and that interview did confirm that.

With or without permission, that’s difficult to say. Was it queerbaiting? I’ve been asked that question so many times. In a sense noo, because they are LGBTQ+ themselves - but there is the fact that RBB & SSB very deliberately engaged with LGBTQ+ fans and kept them here while they must have known, at least after bullshit 2.0 happened, that they were going to stay closeted. 

I don’t know exactly how I feel about that. It was a crazy ride, and some of it was enjoyable, and I think the support is important to them, so I do want to stay around. But I also  think it’s shit that LGBTQ+ fans in this fandom have done SO much to support them, and are getting so much shit in return, still, not from them, not at all, but in this environment - and no one is stopping it. 

And that’s not just the case in Louis’ fandom, where we’re definitely experiencing enormous amounts of cognitive dissonance with the bearding and babygate. But also in Harry’s. When LGBTQ+ fans bring rainbows night after night, but it’s constantly portrayed as if Harry is the one bringing them, and when it’s LGBTQ+ fans organising to light up arena’s night after night across Europe, but the only time that gets featured is when it’s two straight girls organising it, insisting they are not doing it for queer fans but because we should be one happy family inclusiveness all around.. I can understand the frustration, the impression of queerbaiting, the feeling of being taken for granted, that made some people leave Harry’s fandom. I will stay, I think he’s amazing, and I think he needs and is grateful for the support, but as an LGBTQ+ fan, I still feel like I am in a hostile environment - knowing he is with Louis, and that he cannot speak about it, has never spoken about any concrete relationship with a man. That’s... - that still tells LGBTQ+ people they are not 100% legit. 

And that’s probably not a lot better for the straight fans who see what we see: a beautiful relationship they can’t speak about and that’s denied all the time. That, too, tells you your thoughts are not legit, and therefore you are not legit. The gaslighting... it’s probably the most poisonous, detrimental aspect of this fandom. Coming back after more than a year off, I was shocked, at how clear things seemed to me again, compared to how doubtful I had been about my own opinions when I left. Taking time off is not abandoning them. Remember that. For me, it made me stronger, and it allows me to support them now. 

So I hope this gets better. Soon. I am still convinced they want that too. And when I start doubting, I listen to Only The Brave... 

[hexalene]

:V

So I dunno if anyone would like care But the manga does actually have an in canon explaination for Naruto's last minute “healing” abilities and Sasuke's sudden proficiency with the Rinnegan in those final battles. There's also some decent evidence for why the Senju don't have the mokuton and even why Naruto can't use it, though he could have if he wasn't a jinchuuriki. but its a whole thing and I'll probably make the post for me if nothing else. But ANYWAY I started thinking about it with those “Sakura has the Mokuton” posts…which I don't hate/dislike really but I feel like kinda misses a point about Tsunade and Sakura that was half-assedly made (so I don't blame anyone for not seeing it, or disagreeing with me) and would have been made a lot better if Sakura hadn't been so unpopular while the manga was running cause like…shonen jump sucks guys. Like it really sucks. I don't think it's a coincidence that two of the Big Three wiffled around boring fight scenes for eons before farting out an epilogue bathed in bad haircuts and heteronormative/undeveloped “families” before the creators jumped ship to just leave (bleach) or wash his hands of the property (naruto). Honestly. Cause like

Kishimoto once said that jump made him do the chuunin exams, when he'd planned on having Naruto travel around and learn stuff about the world and likely meet ppl and get ready to be a kage…I bet this is why some of the villages are so hinted and developed, cause it's likely the story was gonna GO to these places. But jump wanks hard over TOURNAMENTS and fights and anyway the chuunin exam was p awesome, so…it did work out there. The war arc….not so much. Better people than me have broken down that tho so I'm gonna talk about the thing I wanna talk about which is Tsunade and Sakura. So like…in the fight with Madara, we find out that Hashirama was OP as fuck, and could HEAL WITHOUT HANDSIGNS OMG (Madara like…drools over this srsly) and Tsunade doesn't lol about that, or Madara’s reverence, so it's clear that was like A Big Deal back in the day. And Hashirama is like…the god of god shinobi. That…is one fuckoff huge shadow to live under?? Like how do you top that? He healed, had an amazing “bloodline” ability, went up against all the bijuu like NBD, and ~changed the world~. We never learn about Tsunade's parents and honestly…I think it's because they never crawl out from Hashirama’s shadow…this is a total headcanon admittedly, but I don't think they died early, since that'd likely be a part of her trauma. But anyway. With Madara, Tsunade is like “I couldn't do what my grandfather did, so I made my OWN DAMN WAY.” And whips up the yin seal. And I hate that this came SO LATE into canon and not before because that's a COOL THING?

Like Tsunade couldn't be Hashirama so she became the Greatest Medic of All Time….thats a HELL of a way to break out of Hashirama’s shadow. And like…people will remember Hashirama as a legend but I like to think that Tsunade is more tangible as an idol for people, idk.

She made that yin seal, and I feel like she probably laid the foundation for all modern medical ninjutsu, and probably was a seal master in her own right. I wish we'd gotten more about Tsunade other than her trauma, she's fucking awesome?? The only actual Sannin, let's be real cause orochimaru is a shit and Jiraiya is a dumpster fire. But this whole shindig is supposedly about Sakura, cause I had a point about her and her character:

Sakura is like The Official Normal on the team who is always worried about being in Naruto and Sasuke's shadows and can't catch up and like…every time she's like “watch me guys I got this, I've caught up” *proceeds to fail and need help*

I was always like “IF YOU HAVE TO SAY IT THEN YOU HAVENT OKAY?? STOP WORRYING AND FIND YOUR OWN THING AND BE YOUR OWN PERSON”

Team 7 like Failed dude…I love the cute genin days but it was a failure and of all of them Sakura clings the fuck out of those days and like Never moves on (I don't think Naruto—still hated by the village and scared of rejection and ignorant about everything and living alone in a shitty apartment—or Sasuke—stewing in the hatred and lies from his brother and working for a kage who ORDERED THE MASSACRE OF HIS FAMILY….i mean even Kakashi, guilty about everything and unfulfilled and depressed...yeah they may have some fond memories but they probably aren't scrambling to go back, you know?) I legit believe her Sasuke obsession is in no small part fueled by a desire to go back to idyllic childhood days where the world wasn't complicated and the future looked bright…Sakura FLAT OUT says this in her last “”””confession””””” to Sasuke before the VOTE2 fight.

She's like those people who peaked in high school and never stop telling you how they were prom queen once and god Kaytlyyn I get it prom was a thing that mattered to you. It's why she acts so childish around Sasuke and why they'll never be a real couple She just Devolves back to being a 13 year old again and tbh I ship SNS hardcore but I DO THINK Sasuke could have loved her if she'd actually let herself grow up and act like a grown woman around him…a poke is not better than a kiss holy fuck. I CRINGE my asshole inside out whenever I see that panel where Sasuke denies her the kiss but TBH??? I would too?? If this THIRTY YEAR OLD WOMAN comes up and “tee hee”s and stares up her lashes and points her toes in like a little girl?? And then doesn't like…communicate?

THE issue that started Gaiden? SO GLAD THE SS FAMILY GOT THAT FIGURED OUT

Nor does she go for a kiss goodbye on the cheek? Or a hug? Or SAY anything? Or give him a return date to come back or we need to rethink this if only for our emotionally needy daughter? Like a Sane Person in an adult relationship?? Some wife?? She should be able to do these basic ass things without acting like a preteen?? Seriously y'all go find a thirty something year old woman and picture them acting like Sakura did in that scene…so infantilizing. I wouldn't kiss her either, damn. And we see like no sign she acts any other way with him. SASUKE DOESNT KNOW HER. And because Sakura can't act like an adult with him, she's never gotten to really know him either??? So infuriating but this isn't supposed to be anti-SS, and I mean it cause I DO THINK Sakura was supposed to do something in this story and didn't cause we needed new genin for child soldiering. I THINK SAKURA COULD HAVE ENDED THE CHILD SOLDIER PRACTICE. We see in her shinden novel that she and Ino are establishing clinics for kids and orphans and like…assessing their mental health, and then we hear like nothing of that but that might have been her revolutionary idea outside of Naruto and Sasuke's shadow cause she does it cause she sees how fucked in the head her teammates are and she had a healthy childhood and look what that did for her. DUDE she deals with SAI her best friend can walk into people's MINDS whyyyyyy???? did Sakura not get to revolutionize medicine again with mental health care?? Helping shinobi cope with trauma, proving that neglect, abandonment, trauma and war is ruining kids and contributing to the cycles of violence?? Tsunade learned to fix bodies and Sakura mastered that so why not let her discover how to help people fix their minds…and change the system that way. Look I get that this is speculation and headcanon, but it feels like that's the groundwork tentatively laid? Sakura growing up and leaving her idyllic childhood behind and changing the system with her more balanced and objective view on things since SHE had a normal childhood (in context, okay) Anyway I could spiral into like 10 different rants from this and I probably will at some point but whatever Hey tumblr I'm hexalene I'm late to the fandom and I have a lot of useless opinions

[juni-ravenhall]

mbti (functions) related thoughts on me, juni, her brother 

juni is prob enfj (ive been thinking about it for a long time just unsure) and it makes sense to me that my adult general persona (of which juni is one iteration) is enfj in this way -

intj (self) - high ni low se; low fi enfj (persona) - high ni low se; high fe (= high F)

due to trauma and abuse, as well as growing up with 3 ppl who have high se, ive developed my fi se (my last 2 functions) much earlier and much stronger than the average intj (by excessive forced introspection and forced behaviours and practicing), but no matter how much it develops, fi is still a low function for me. 

however, i put strong emphasis on fi se and care about it a great deal (easy to compare to average intj who tend to run with the “i dont need feelings i like being cold” thing and repress for some time, or for their whole life). without fi specifically i see no point in being alive. 

due to being an intj with strongly developed F, i relate a lot to enfj’s (fe ni se related) worldview about love and appreciation for every single creature and thing in the universe (for some reason infj on average are less like this than me which i think is interesting). theres a certain kind of dissociation into ni where all the dots connect and the patterns overlap. when you have strong F, this floating in the ni “view of the entire universe at once” habit, becomes something relating to love and perspective of how great and small everything is at once, etc. 

anyway, my point is that that whole thing is a very enfj thing, but something that also is me as an intj with strong fi se, and for various reasons my main “big sister” persona (juni and other iterations) who is sort-of-me-but-not-quite and who is healthy and mature, ends up being enfj. not bc i would want to be enfj, i want to stay intj, but i think the idea of the removal of the very painful fi is soothing, probably. a symbolic wish to remove the pain by removing all of fi but still having strong healthy F. 

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(when i was a teenager my persona was closer to esfp or 1st se in general (i had two estp in my life at the time alongside *sfp) in order to survive in society (”introverts cant survive you have to become extroverted” etc, abusive concepts forced by my “parents”). i was loud and physically expressive (and threatening) which was part of the whole thing with me developing fi se more than the average intj, because i USED fi se a lot to fake being a different person for coping and survival. the place where you can see my personal relation to esfp today is in winterborn, juni’s horse, who is esfp in order to express that part of myself; winterborn is a relatively healthy esfp.)

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juni’s brother is my actual self during deep depression so i assume hes intj (i dont think i can really know unless i see his character develop). he is at any rate deep in an abyss of ni with fi, which is very painful. his te and se are repressed - being trapped in pandoria (similarly to anne but for his whole life) represents the inability to stimulate/use te and se in healthy ways; he has nobody to talk to or interact with (te), nothing to physically do since he’s unable to move freely or healthily (te + se), and pandoria being toxic to humans and confusing is disturbing to se. he’s in a sort of physically forced ni-fi loop with close to zero input from the world around him, but he also isnt able to develop fi much as he has nobody to interact with. (the fi here is more in the story itself being symbolic of my pain, parental abuse, isolation, anhedonia)

when juni rescues him from pandoria, he is thrown into a world that would let him stimulate and use te se, (and having juni with healthy mature se to guide him to appreciate the world if he wants it), but he isnt used to it and has gone so far into the ni abyss (getting to the core of everything; looking from a wide universe view; etc) that its hard for him to see the point of anything (to feel any motivation to use te se). he has been locked into a ni spiral with fi, in his mind, alone, and its hard to break out of that since when ni gets to the true core of everything, you deeply realise how completely pointless and meaningless everything is. if you cant engage your other functions at that point to distract yourself from life’s futility, it becomes destructive to your own mind.

in juni’s mind it seems as a natural development for anyone with se to grow into feeling love and appreciation for everything big or small in the world, but she’s too healthy (she didn’t suffer much) to comprehend what it’s like to be in the ni abyss and to be repressed and isolated for your whole life and how that affects your ability to care. for her it seems that as soon as he could breathe fresh air and feel the sunlight on his skin and taste a fruit for the first time, he would experience the se he needed and start healing and developing his se, but this is not possible as he is too far gone (he never had the chance to even start developing normal te se since he’s been alone in pandoria since birth). it would take incredible amounts of time and work for him to be able to have even close to average te and se without the ni (fi) going “this is pointless and i cant care” in the background.

(also worth noting that enfj has higher se than intj to begin with, so juni’s se is stronger than what an average intj’s se would be)

the above is symbolic of how ppl keep talking as if my mental illness could be solved with basic simple measures like “get exercise” or “think positively”. i ALREADY have been doing those things for most of my life and it didnt change a thing, because my mental (emotional) illness is severe. those people only know about people with basic level depression and problems, and can’t comprehend what its like to live with the level of mental illness those of us have who have double depression for our entire lives, who have anhedonia for years, who have (c)ptsd, personality disorders, etc. its not a matter of eating more salad or “just trying harder to get happy”. (not to say diet doesnt have an effect - its very good to eat healthy - but it can help you cope better with severe mental illness, it doesnt fix it, and when your mental illness is at a certain point, a healthy lifestyle isnt enough to help you at all)

anyway, yeah, juni’s inability to help her brother heal (much) once he’s been rescued - in other words, she could make a positive physical change for him but she can’t help him emotionally or mentally - is representative of both what i said above and of the fact that my personas can only help me cope with certain things but not others. having juni in my head can’t fix me, but sometimes i can imagine my big sister persona taking over my body and forcing me to go cook or take a shower or make the bed, which again is a physical help even if imaginary.

juni having fe (being a person with strong F but lacking fi) is also relevant since she just cant relate to how her brother feels. regardless of how good her fe is, she will never have fi. (it feels weird for me when i think too much about juni not having fi bc its such a core thing in me and she is part of me so how can she not have fi? whats it even like to not have fi??? but thats just a feeling, i do think it makes sense for her to have fe)

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if anyone read this ill have to assume youre a real nerd. shakes hand