#not a priority and I haven't got the energy nor focus to work on anything other than keeping myself together.

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

On November 25, 2024, I took Cacoa to the vet for a Solencia injection. She's 18-years-old and has painful arthritis, hence the treatment. I thought her life would improve.

I was very wrong.

Her body has tanked. Here are the results from the blood work and urine sample. The short version is she's severely anemic and no longer producing blood cells. As for why, the vet thinks it's due to how Solencia works and the possibility of Cacoa having cancer. She had blood work done on November 11th, and it was completely normal. This is no longer the case. The vet thinks her body was managing the cancer and the drug shut that part off and suddenly cancer flooded her body.

Her total bill, from the checkup on the November 11th all the way through today is $1418.33

I'm having a huge holiday sale in my shop right now. Use the link below to receive 45% off your purchase. All proceeds will be used to pay off Cacoa's bill. I have quilts starting as small as coasters in my shop, as well as original paintings. At the current prices, two paintings will cover this large bill.

If you would rather donate, please use the link below and mark it as Friends and Family.

You may also donate using this:

If Cacoa doesn't recover, an autopsy will be done because we're very certain this is entirely because of the drug. The company that makes the drug will want to perform an autopsy as well, to prove what happened. This will result in them possibly reimbursing me for the amount of money spent thus far.

We'll be going back to the vet on November 29th to see how well she's recovering, if she has at all. There is a chance she will pass away in the next 48 hours. All I wanted to do was relieve her of her pain. If I had any idea this would happen, we would've just continued living as we were.

$414/$1418.33

I will keep y'all updated on her progress. I'm not okay, and neither is she. If she does pass away, I have no idea how I'll manage my grief.

[thesweatzone]

BACKSTORY and FITNESS PROGRAM

BACKSTORY:

I have always struggled with my weight. I was never overweight to a point where I would have troubles with my health but it did limit some of my abilities and it lowered my self-esteem. I was really overweight as a child but then my rapid growth caused me to look slimmer than before and I was only round. Basically I was and still pretty much am skinny fat.

About two years ago I decided I wanted to become skinnier, so I started working out more. I realized now that being skinny is far from my goal and I truly want to be healthy and have a strong body but working out did give me solid foundation on which I explored my interests in sports, which I never liked before. I found the ones I actually enjoyed and the ones I did not enjoy quite that much. I started losing some fat. But then I became lazy and the fat came back.

This repeated itself many times throughout those two years. I slowly realized my biggest problem were my eating habits. I was really picky when it came to food and I always chose the wrong one. I also binged, then ate very little for a while and binged again. I even contributed to the weight gain with drinking smaller amounts of water than I should have and my sleeping schedule was all over the place. I realized only working out won't do that much. At least not for me.

I slowly started incorporating better foods into my diet and changing up my lifestyle but I never committed enough to see it through until the end and obtain obvious results. I was also very confused where and how to start, because there is so much information out there about what is right and wrong. The main problem was that I didn't give any program I created for myself time so that I could actually see results and see if it works.

 RIGHT NOW:

Now I want to stick to my plan for longer than one or two months at a time. I want to achieve results that will last and work on my confidence too. I am currently 173 cm tall (which is roughly 5,8 feet) and I weigh 65 kg (roughly 143 pounds). Though I am tall I feel like I am quite heavy since I do not have that much muscle mass so the lbs are higher than I wish they would be, because of fat. I have stubborn belly fat while I'm not really visibly round in any other areas of my body as much. Of course you cannot spot reduce (I will write about that in one of my future posts too) so I will have to lower my body fat percentage and gain a lot of muscle mass in general to see the belly fat disappearing too, since I am striving for a stronger not skinnier body.

Right now I'm in a good place, though I still have many things to focus on to perfect my daily routine. I've been working since the start of the year (6th January, 2020) and lost 4,5kg (roughly 10 pounds) in five weeks. I constructed a workout and diet plan for me as well as I could, since I haven't got that much control over a lot of things going on in my life because I'm still in school and have work to focus on besides my fitness goals, though I am trying to make them a bigger priority in my life.

Some people said that this program seemed a bit challenging for a beginner when they took a first look at it. That's why I wrote a short paragraph in which I spoke about my work out habits above. They are not that bad and I tend to work out quite a lot so I’m not in such a bad shape - food will be a bigger issue for me. If the program seems though for you and you do your workouts completely differently, I encourage you to continue doing it your way. The same goes for if you think it is too easy. I designed this the way I did, because I know what I am capable of right now and what I would like to be capable of in the future.

 MY PROGRAM:

Duration: 8 months (until the end of August)

Goal: Build strength and muscle mass, achieve a flatter belly and leaner physique, gain confidence, build better habits

 Workouts:

I've tried many workouts on the internet already and I decided to follow some good fitness channels on Youtube and follow their work out videos, since I don’t have time to go to an actual gym. I will link them in some future posts. I made a weekly workout schedule too.

On Mondays I do half an hour to an hour of yoga targeting my core (abs), on Tuesdays I do body weight exercises targeting the legs and the glutes, on Wednesday I have another day of body weight exercises targeting the abs and on Fridays I have weightlifting to strengthen my arms and back.

I also have one active rest day every week when I am allowed to do nothing or just some light cardio. That is Thursday for me, because I arrive home late (around 7 p.m.) and it's the day that is the most tiring for me in the whole week.

On weekends I have one scheduled full body workout on Saturdays. I usually do pilates or some HIIT workouts. On Sundays I can take a day of if I feel like it, because I don't want to push myself over the edge but if I feel alright I do an hour of cardio.

Speaking of cardio, it is one of my favourite workout categories because I love to run, dance, hike, swim… and these are all workouts that fall into the category. I try to do cardio at least three times a week even if it isn’t scheduled (just because I actually enjoy doing it) but if the weather is nice I take a walk everyday anyway, since I like some peace to think and be alone.

Through the week I work out at around 6 p.m. and on the weekends in the morning or at least before noon.

 Dieting:

For me it is really hard to meal prep since I am in high school and I have a lot of my meals prepared for me by other people. I evaluated my eating habits and realized I consume too much sugar and carbs and my diet lacks fiber. I can’t completely follow a low-carb diet but I will be aiming towards consuming less carbs and try to eat food which is low in sugar and high in protein and fiber.

I also challenged myself to eliminate all sugar I could from my diet for at least 40 days but I can happily say that I'm already on day 45 (I started on the 6th of January) – I decided to just continue with it and try to reach 70 days. I planned it for a long time and I can say I am quite satisfied with the outcome. I've tried including a lot of healthy foods, vegetables and high protein foods and minimize foods with a lot of carbs but there are days when I just don't have the option to eat anything but something high in carbs or not as healthy as I would wish it would be. 

If you want to, I will definitely write a post about what I eat in a week after I test it out, see how effective it is and perfect it completely. 

I have already tried intermittent fasting (will be explained in future posts) in the past once and it worked miracles for me. I felt more energized, way less bloated and I felt better in general. I will incorporate it into my diet again I decided to do a 16:8 ratio – I eat in a time frame of 8 hours. That equals 16 hours of fasting where I don't consume any food I just drink a cup of green tea in the morning.

 Drink:

I used to drink very small amounts of water throughout the day but I carry my water bottle with me everywhere I go now and I try to drink as much as possible. These are my main rules for drinking:

-drink 2 water bottles of water a day

-one cup of green tea in the morning (or lemonade)

-don't drink milk in the evening

 Sleep:

I try to go to sleep before 11 pm and get up around 6 or 7 am. For me it is pretty hard, because I am a night owl, but I do try, since I see a big difference in my energy and ability to work efficiently throughout the day.

…

That is how I designed my workout and diet program. All details will be specified in further chapters since it is still a bit rough around the edges (especially the diet part), but I cannot meal prep since it is really hard for me to prepare my own food. 

I thought I should explain what and how I'm doing everything, since I will be writing about it. This is a basic overview and I didn't really go into detail. If you want me to be more precise, especially about my eating habits and how I'm trying to change them, I will make a post about it. This is just my story and my program. I can't guarantee any of these things would work for you or your body but maybe you will get any idea or find some useful information. You now know my story and my goals.

I always struggled with my self-esteem and body image but I am on the path to changing everything and I want to share the lessons I'm learning and my story with you. I hope it motivates you and you can see you are not alone. You should also remember that even though my measurements and fitness goals don't match yours and you maybe see different numbers than me, you aren't working any less hard or doing anything wrong nor should you be discouraged. We are all on our individual journeys and you have the exact same chance of reaching your goals as I do or anyone else reading this blog.

Whenever I start doubting myself I just avert my thoughts somewhere else because I am positive we all can do this. Remember to love yourself no matter your weight. We are all beautiful and what we are doing and the changes we're making are only to better ourselves physically and mentally but our weight or appearance doesn't define us nor does it define our worth.

Thank you for joining me on this journey!

-M

[whoseafraidofliloleme]

hey! sometimes it is okay to unload on the random person (especially if they are okay with it and i am more than okay(?)) and while i cannot trully understand what you are going through i want you to know that all of what you are feeling is valid! and sadly we as humans are trully incapable of keeping all of the things under control and that is alright! so also please remember that with all of the things piling up on you - it’s not really your fault! in a sense for example testing for covid! you have literally no influence over that so while you might be worried and it’s a normal reaction, i believe it will be resolved one way or another with as less consequences as possible! while i cannot say anything about Ramadan, i still hope that things will become better(?).

as for you catching covid , i hope you get better soon!! and it is totally normal to have no energy nor will to do anything and ! if you ever need a rest you should take it. because after all your health should always be your priority!

and i’m sure one day you will be okay! but for now while it may seem a bit insensitive to say! rather that losing your mind over things you cannot control you should try (as much as you physical and mental state allow ofc) focus on the things you have power over!

ps: i want to apologize if i overstepped the boundaries :(

No this is so sweet 😭😭. I can't handle this sweetness, this is like the nicest thing ever. Thank you so much anon.

I know things are out of my hands. Some of it I brought upon myself so there's a level of self blame and self hatred going on there...

I'm dealing with it but it's there nonetheless. I really have a bad habit of being the worst person to myself in my own mind. I'm working on it, it's hard at the moment but it's a work in progress.

With covid, it's a double edged sword because I know why and how I got it. My mosque is open in Ramadan for the first time in 2 years. So I've definitely gotten it from there same with my mum who got it first and my elderly Amma who just tested positive the other day.

It's like I understand that at some point with university I've caused this myself and I just don't know what I'll do if I don't get the extensions, since I already applied for extensions and was rejected so now I've reached out to my personal tutor but I don't know if that will help.

To explain why I'm so stressed out abt uni. It's my final year, I haven't done my final year project of 7k words or the critical analysis of 2.5k words and then in that same week I've got an essay on Irish literature that's 2.5k words and another essay on Shakespeare and Chaucer that's 2k words.

Oh right I'm getting a degree in English and Creative Writing. And all this is due in the coming week... The last week of Ramadan when the most important nights of the month come 😭😂.

Being the worst student write my essays a day before or a few days before just bullshit my way thru but with Ramadan I just dont have the time and cause it's such a holy month I feel guilty for even thinking abt my degree when I could be doing something religious like praying the Qur'an 😂😭.

The irony is the only things I have power over at the moment is my fanfiction 😂. Peace my Jay au, Unexpected Partners my Jungwon au and See Right Through Me my Heeseung au are all finished and the parts have been scheduled so I've got control over that. My newest fic Wrecking Her Plans a Heeseung au, I've already written up to chapter 8 so it's a matter of posting. Hence randomly posting a chapter of See Right Through Me just for the sake of it 😂.

Thank you so much anon for being okay with a mess like me unloading my issues 😂. It really is a weight off my chest to just rant abt it to a stranger.

Not to say I don't have ppl in my life I can unload to but like they know me and it's a different dynamic, like I can't disappoint you anon with my stupid decisions that have come to bite me in the ass 😂😂.

Honestly this has been a big help to me, thank you so much anon. I didn't expect that little comment on a fanfic thats not even my most popular one to cause an outpouring of support and love.

I am very much appreciative of it though. So again thank you so much anon. Really from the bottom of my heart, with all that I am thank you so much for caring and sending these long asks and making sure I'm okay.

I can't really express how much it means to me in words but just know this won't be forgotten and I'll probably carry your words with me for a long time.

Ps. Most definitely haven't overstepped boundaries, I hope I haven't either, feel free to tell me if I have.

Also to the people who left encouragement and hoped I was well in the replies of the latest See Right Through Me chapter, thank you so much. Again I can't express how much it means to me, I love and appreciate all of you 💖💖.