#normally literally just a woman who tried “too hard” or isnt very smart

[cascadianights]

Officially voting we remove the trope of "awkward but very loving person everyone fucking hates and that's the joke" from television

[fightevilandthengetblownup]

CHATS: More Dumpsters, More Fires 1

#1 - This is my oldest chat recorded between Anna and Jo, and I believe it is after the Grey+Anna Alleyway scene and the Ruby+Anna hospital scene

<Anna> *several voice mails asking for a Jo Harvelle on the behalf of an Anna Milton a patient at _______ hospital*

<Jo> *Kicking and swearing, Jo takes a few minutes to consider just not going before heading out to the car and driving towards where the messages say, glad it’s not five states away or something. When she gets there theres talk about her having selfharmed in the hospital as well as the state she was found in. Asking for some privacy, Jo slips into the room* “What the fuck did you do?”

<Anna> *Anna’s still groggy from surgery, a stab wound to abdomen and the best words the doctors could describe it was mutitaltion to the ankle. She blinks at Jo, padded cuffs around her wrists.* “Jo..” *Before Anna can say anything else a doctor comes in explaining that she was found on the streets unresponsive and then after she was brought in she went through the medical supplies, two scalpels found*

<Jo> *Jo nods along looking between Anna and where the medical supplies were, looking unimpressed before following the normal dance with doctors, nodding and making the appropriate sincere faces and distressed looks before going to the other woman’s side and touching just above her wrist like a concerned friend should as they talked before the doctor left at a page* “Hey Anna. So.. what happened?”

<Anna> *Anna’s eyes follow the doctor as he walks out and she looks at Jo. She’s drugged good, between pain meds and others to keep her calm she just swallows several times before answering* “Didn’t do this, please believe me..please..”

<Jo> “Never thought you’d be fucked up enough to.” *Jo sighs, hooking her foot around the leg of a visiting chair and sitting down* “Who did?”

<Anna> “Ruby..” *Anna tries to lift her head up but she doesn’t get very far as the motion makes her sick.* “Thought she would kill me..”

<Jo> *Giving a look around, Jo stands up again drawing the curtain and closing the blinds before coming back to the bed and working on Anna’s wrist bands* “Let me guess, you’d somehow gotten yourself stuck in here with whatever fainting spell you had and then Ruby came for a little revenge.”

<Anna> *Anna just nods afraid to mention anything about Grey just yet, she doens’t want Jo to get pissed off and leave her hear.* “Thought, she kill me, Crowley couldn’t get to anyone, Gray could kill her..everyone better off.”

<Jo> “Bullshit. That dickhead would go insane or completely crumple, nodboy would be better off in either of those situations.” *Jo tries to keep her tone lighter than the subject needed, knowing it would probably work best to avoid thinking about just how serious Anna’s words really were* “Nothing good comes from dying, I know first hand from both sides of the coin.”

<Anna> “Your death gave them reason to keep fighting.” *The cuffs being removed was something simple but it made her feel better, helped the anxiety, or maybe it was the drugs, she couldn’t tell.*  "Always the one people will fight for, better of us.“

<Jo> "Yeah yeah, you believe that if you wish. Everyone would have fought anyway, and having people die doesn’t make anyone better off.” *Waving off the comments, Jo sits back down in her chair, leaning forward, elbows resting on her knees as she look down towards Anna’s feet and raising an eyebrow at the other one* “So, if Ruby did all the big bad injuries, what landed you here in the first place?”

<Anna> *Anna’s numb from the knee down, a local block given, she’s not aware of the thick bandages covering leg from the knee down and the split keeping her ankle still. They hadn’t actually operated on it, wanting to call in a specialist with so much damage done to the tendons and nerves.* “I don’t remember..” *Anna bites her lip, wincing as she feels one of the busted spots crack open*

<Jo> “You were found unconcious just lying in an alleyway, that doesn’t sound like something normal for you Anna - though who knows, you’ve changed a fair bit recently.” *Still looking at the comparratively small amount of injury to one foot compared to the almost mumified existance of the other, Jo raises an eyebrow as she wonders just what Ruby did* “If you tell me nicely, I’ll actually get you out rather than just sweet talk you to being transfered back to Duluth.”

<Anna> “May have passed out from not eating, felt weak and dizzy..” *Anna lies, Jo will find the truth out later but she doesn’t want her to leave her or have her transfered somewhere else*

<Jo> “That the truth?” *Jo sighs, figuring that the food thing was partly her own fault if that was the case and swallows down a lump in her throat before pinning Anna with a look*

<Anna> *Anna looks away, it’s the medication she tells herself, that’s whats wrong as she feels herself close to crying under Jo’s look.* “Rest..may have been Grey, doesn’t see me as human but not worth killing..”

<Jo> *Blinking in disbelief for a second, Jo slaps a hand to her forehead before moving away, ducking out int the corridor for a few minutes before coming back in wheeling a wheelchair* “When we get back to Duluth I’ll call your brother to come and fix you, you just keep talking while I help get you changed. What the fuck happened in that alley, Anna?” *Jo starts pulling out spare clothes from her bag*

<Anna> “Ran into him, ran my mouth, exchanged insults, who was the worst.” *Anna laugh some as Jo helps her into a shirt, and she blinks seeing herself as she’s raised up, her middle hurts now that she’s moving.* “I bring out the worst in everyone.”

<Jo> “Didnt bring any skirts, so you’re going to have to wear a shirt across your lap like its a skirt until we get to the car.” *Jo mumbles under her breath, tugging her own shirt off as it might actuall pass a a hideous skirt and pulls on the shirt of Anna’s folded up nearby before shoving the others jeans in her bag and giving Anna an almost pissed off look* “You upset him enough he almost drained you? /What were you thinking?!/”

<Anna> *Anna whimpers as Jo puts her in the wheelchair, reaching over and pulling out the IV from her arm* “I was thinking if Gray had someone to kill for my death he would eventually move on instead of if I killed myself.”

<Jo> “And trying to set him on his brother is a real smart idea, given he got a taste of what you got the last time he came too close.” *Jo  literally wants to hit her head at Anna’s thinking, though getting her into the chair was hard enough and figuring out how to get her out of the hospital was going to be just as tricky with the white bandages* “Your dying, in any way, isnt going to save him Anna.”

<Anna> “You’ve said this..and what other time? I haven’t seen Gray in nearly a week. I took off after I trapped Ruby, hoping Crowley would take her as a peace offering..didn’t work it seems.”  *Anna holds up her arm so Jo can cut the bracelet off* “Maybe they will think I’ve been released or just going out for air..”

<Jo> “Nothing Anna. Its nothing. And that is a fucking inteligent move there you know, trap a demon and hope its a benefit. Especially when one of them is working /with/ the rest of us to get rid of Master Asshole.” *Jo cuts the wrist band off quickly, slinging her bag over her back and starts at a sedate pace towards the enterance, noticing the name of a different woman whose family was crowded around her, packing her bags as she’s obviously meaning to be discharged hoping to get there long before the others* “We’ll see.”

<Anna> *Anna doesn’t say anything as they walk out, the nurses busy helping the other woman. Going over after care and instructions while unhooking her from the monitors and fluids. They get to the elevator and as they go down Anna sags, letting out a breath. “I’m sorry..”

<Jo> *Jo gives a small snort, figuring that if nothing else the way Anna was almost drained and still out of it there was going to be some sort of fun come getting back to Duluth and her obviously missing monster* “What for? Your sheer idiocy? The fact you provoked my.. Grey to that sort of point? Or that I had to be the one to drive all this way to get you?”

<Anna> *Anna shrugs weakly as they go out to the parking lot, feeling better out of the hospital.* “For not changing my contact infromation?”

<Jo> “Don’t bother, I think it’s safer for everyone if I get the calls really.” *Jo shakes her head pushing the chair quickly as possible, not really caring about jolting it, across the carpark towards the back section where her cars parked* “What did you end up saying that got the /both/ of them to get you like this, Anna?”

<Anna> *Gripping the arm of the wheelchair as Jo pushes it roughly she gasps as it hits a hard bump before coming to the car* “A lot..whatever I could to piss them off. Not enough it seems.” *She’s panting when she tries to push herself up, she can start to feel her leg again and it’s not something she really wants too but she figures the pain is deserved.*

<Jo> *Jerking the passenger side door open, Jo leans in to shove the bag into the back before slipping an arm under Anna’s arms and lifting and tries to maneuver her into the seat as painlessly as possible* “This suicide wish is just going to make things worse for your monster, you know. Especially if someone presents it the /bad/ way to him - like you’d rather be dead than with him.”

<Anna> *Anna is breathing hard by the time she’s in the car, her head leaning back against the seat as Jo slams the door shut, once Jo gets in Anna looks at her.* “I made him weak..I’ve hurt him, made it so Grey can kill him..Crowley uses me against him.. it’s no more than what I deserve and he’s better off without me.”

<Jo> *Starting the engine, Jo pulls out and speeds off along the roads nearby towards the interstate before turning her head to look at Anna with a frown* “He’ll crumple without you, he and Grey aren’t too different in that aspect - your one is just a lot dumber. He’ll destroy himself going after things bigger than himself, kinda like you, rather than just turn his back like Grey will. You’re just goin' to get him killed getting yourself killed. Crowley won’t be an issue for too long - everyones workin’ together now, we’ll figure a way to get rid of him, and as for Grey being able to kill him, so long as he stays the fuck away from me and Grey your little fucker is safe enough from /him/.”

<Anna> “He’ll be fine without me.. I’m the one that needs protecting and crap. I’m the liability.” *Anna leans the seat back trying to find some position that doesn’t hurt, she’s lucky she guesses that the missed everything vital but the one in her leg was reminding her it ws still there.* “Grey was right in everything he said. And your right..Gray and I are too much alike. Too much pride.”

<Jo> “He’ll die. And you’re going to realise that right when you cant trn back from this crazy ass deathwish you’ve got going on.” *Jo says blankly, almost sounding gleeful when she starts her comments though it tones down as soon as she starts the second sentence.* “…What’d he say?”

<Anna> “Then why don’t you just kill me now, get both of us out of your way. You want him dead it’s no secret and I’m blind to him because we fuck..” *Anna snaps closing her eyes, the car ride making her feel sick again, the feeling of being useless making her feel crazy*

<Jo> “Because, I am not going to be the one that /can/ kill him if he’s after me for murdering you. Like I say, get the fuck over it Anna, your dying is not going to help or make things better, so just get the fuck over it.” *Jo snarls back pressing the pedal to the floor to try and make the trip as short as possible even though she knows its not going to help much*

<Anna> “Why did you come get me..should have just left me.” *Closing her eyes she tries to shut out everything, including the vibrations of the engine going right through her leg*

<Jo> *Jo sighs and hits a fist against the steering wheel as she over takes a few cars before replying* “Because I had to.”

<Anna> *Anna flinches and looks over at Jo* “Well I’m out, just pull over and leave me somewhere and you don’t "have to” ever again. I’m sure Grey will be pissed at you coming after me. One of us with a pissed off monster is enough.“

<Jo> "You don’t get it.” *Giving a shake of her head, Jo sends Anna a look with a very small smile* “As for having pissed off guys, I think you’d be much worse off than me.”

<Anna> “No I don’t..from anyone, or maybe I do. I don’t know anymore.” *Anna runs her hand through her hair looking out the window.* “Grey has a side to him that’s closer to Gray than I realized.”

<Jo> “Having to do something doesn’t mean you don’t want to. I owe you, and regardless of what I might say to some people, you’re still my friend so…” *Jo gives a shrug before looking at Anna curiously, a small frown tugging at her lips* “You forgot that yours /came/ from him. Grey is the original, and as much and as different as he is, he can be just as cruel and.. yeah, as the other.”

<Anna> “I told him that he couldn’t stand himself, that the better bits tossed him out like trash..” *Wiping her eyes she curls up against the door, her arms wrapped around herself.* “Maybe I’m delusional because I’m fucking Gray but he isn’t all bad..”

<Jo> *Jo snorts at Annas comments, knowing just how easily a reaction that could have gotten* “You shouldn’t go pokin people with sticks Anna. Especially when theyre not what they seem - Grey’s perfectly calm and lovely and stuff unless someone provokes him, that’s what /all/ of you seem to forget.” *Sighing, she shoots Anna a look and almost laughs aloud* “Yeah, I think the delusional is more likely.”

<Anna> *Anna doesn’t say anything, she’s quiet for a long time as they drive and when she does all the exhaustion comes through her voice* “I seperated them, Gray feeding on me, letting him but he’s never come close to doing what Grey did, even when he still saw me as just a toy. I cut Grey with iron, across the stomach, ironic that Ruby stabs me. I don’t hate Grey, I just hate how he thinks being meek makes him good.”

<Jo> “Its not that he’s meek, Anna, he’s just.. staying under the radar. Though there are a few, er, situations where I know exactly what you mean where I swear to fuck I’d rather him man up and take it like the rest of us rather than what he /does/ do - but, I don’t know.. that’s changing it seems.” *Jo looks straight out the front window, zooming past a few more cars in the second lane* “The iron is what made him snap. It’s a touchy thing with them, and as for the feeding, I know what you mean. Impulse control is kind of unfairly balanced to your monster. Its kind of really dangerous these days…”

<Anna> “Gray is far more controlled. He rages and destroys but it’s controlled. Grey snaps and it’s a runaway train till it runs out of steam. More dangerous. He fed off me before, at the hospital after the wreck, he told me about me and Gray and I grabbed him on the arm or something and he didn’t have control.” *Anna breathes slowly trying to ignore the fact the nerve block is gone now.*

<Jo> “Yeah, I know he told me bout that. The snapping is.. it can get scary sometimes. Then there’s the times you’re upset and it happens.” *Jo keeps her tone even, looking across at Anna when she hears the almost laboured breathing* “Ive got some heavy duty painkillers in the glove box but theres nothing we can do until we get back to Duluth about anything else, Anna. Just try not to pass out on me.”

<Anna> *Anna cringes at the idea of pills but then a bump on the road makes her see stars and she reaches over, fumbling with the glove box and she takes out the bottle, looking at it before opening and pouring out two into hand.* “What do you see in Grey?”

<Jo> *Jo looks apologetically when she sees Anna react to the suggestion and then the bump, slowing down slightly and keeping a closer look out for any jolts on the road. Anna’s question makes her frown, shootign her a look before looking straight again* “What do /you/ see in Gray?”

<Anna> *dry swallowing the pills Anna gives Jo a look as she puts the pills back in the glove box, swallowing a few more times trying to get them unstuck from her throat.* “I asked you first.”

<Jo> *Jo reaches an arm behind her blindly, fiddlng about for a few moments before producing a rather beaten looking water bottle for her, though she doubts anyone would want to drink from it if they had a choice* “Fine. He’s nice, we have similar interests in non-work related things, he doesn’t give me too much shit about stuff or rather not the little stuff - man will really ride you about the bigger things though. We just get along is all. Now you.”

<Anna> *Taking the warm bottle of water, Anna questions how long it’s been in the car and she has to choke it down and wait to make sure the plastic tasting liquid isn’t going to come back up before she speaks.* “He changed, it went from being possessive to caring. Gray is protective, loving in private. When it’s us, his attention is just on me and it’s passionate, I’m just me. We fight sure, had some good ones but I’m learning to not be so stubborn with him.”

<Jo> “Why do I get the feeling your fights would be more likely to be more Mr and Mrs Smith than Sid and Nancy?” *Jo is suprised when Anna drinks but figures she would in her situation too, finding Anna’s words hard to believe given she knew first hand how stubborn and proud the both of them were but figures neither has killed the other yet so it must be something different*

<Anna> *Anna laughs and then whimpers when Jo makes the comment about the fights. “I locked him in the bedroom with iron. All he had to do was take something and move it. Stubborn ass destroyed teh room instead of moving it.” *Anna leans back looking at Jo.* “I can see Grey nagging you and how well that goes over. How many times have you stormed out on him?”

<Jo> *Jo gives a snort of laughter at the description, breezing past another car before shaking her head* “Brawn over brains, Gray is. As for nagging and storming out, me and Grey aren’t.. neither of us really comment on what the other is up to. He does his.. hunting, and I do mine. The most is a ‘be safe’, 'call me if you’re in trouble’ and a disapproving look if I try to head out while still injured”

<Anna> “No wonder you like him. I’m glad you seem happy with him.” *The pain killers are starting to kick in and she leans the seat back a bit more. The hopsital probably doped her good but she’s relaxed and it feels nice to talk to Jo like this again. “So out of them, who is the better one in bed?”

<Jo> “Because he doesn’t bitch about what I do or don’t do? As for.. it’s just a friends thing, or a mostly friends thing. Once again, it’s weird.” *Jo shrugs a shoulder, looking over at Anna in shock at her question, letting out a laugh seeing how much clamer she seems* “Why do you wanna know? You’re not going to be trading up if I say the one you’re not with are you?”

<Anna> *Anna snorts, her eyes closed* “Grey wouldnt piss on me if I was on fire. Just curious because like you said they are the same  monster, talking dirty is a kink or maybe it’s just because I’m supposed to be pure.”

<Jo> “You know.. I can’t actually disagree with the on fire part.” *Smiling and shaking her head, Jo looks forward as she considers what Anna said* “I think the easiest way to describe it is one is a hard, rough fuck that I felt sore, dirty and spent after, while the other is more giving and treats me better even if he will pull on my hair and dig in his nails. The dirty talk I think is both though..”

<Anna> “I think it helps I like the hard rough fuck and he likes making me feel dirty and spent. Still waiting for Castiel to say something about what he heard while at the apartment.” *Swallowing Anna opens her eyes tryin to tell how far off they are.* “Where are we going?”

<Jo> “That would be awkward a conversation if I ever heard one. I always thought I liked that sort myself but..” *Jo flicks a look across to Anna before glancing about and spotting a road sign* “We’re not far off. Going back to Duluth, unless you want me to drop you on Bobby and Mom instead.”

<Anna> “No. Last thing they need is an angry monster destroying Bobby’s place.” *Closing her eyes again she tries to get comfortable again.* “Do you love him?”

<Jo> “Home it is then. I’d offer you a place at mine if you were trying for a runaway, except someone’s boytoy destroyed one of the bedrooms.” *Frowning, Jo rolls her shoulders awkwardly, pressing the gas harder unintentionally* “Love him how?”

<Anna> *Anna breathes in as Jo guns the gas* “How? You’re the human, you understand love better than me or you are supposed to. Could you see yourself living with him for the rest of your life?”

<Jo> “Well theres lots of types of love, Anna..” *She mumbles back, letting go of the wheel with one hand to scratch the back of her neck before slowing off the pedal again* “I could, it’d be pretty easy to, yeah. Why can you with Gray?”

<Anna> “I could. Of course now he might not want too but well if he leaves now, its for the best.” *Resting her head against the window she tightens her arms around her and she hopes the ride is over soon.* “I feel alive with him and it’s everything I didn’t feel as an angel.”

<Jo> “Number one problem with being human, can’t just switch bodies no matter how mutilated and malformed and broken we get.” *Jo sighs, sending Anna a look and figuring that even if Cas were upset with her he’d fix her, or she could always see if she couldn’t swing a favor from Gabriel in exchange for what information she got from Cas about the spell* “You sound like an adrenaline junkie.”

<Anna> “Not talking about that, I thought Crowley branding me would turn him away, it makes him angry but it hasn’t stopped him from touching me.” *Anna doesn’t voice that this is what she deserves and she’s afraid of Ruby repeating it if it’s healed, she’s not sure she wants to ever go through that again. “You would know about that wouldnt you.”

<Jo> “So he’ll accept having someone elses name written all over you, but won’t accept you not being able to walk? I’d think he’d find the appeal of your not being able to run off an advantage.” *Jo tries for joking as she realises theyre getting nearer town as the few recognisable houses start popping up before shooting Anna a look* “I am not that bad. Sorta.”

<Anna> *Anna doesn’t respond, she’s slumped against the door, arms laying limp in her lap. She’s passed out from a combination of drugs and pain.*

<Jo> *Jo sighs realising Anna’s fallen asleep and considering how to get her into the apartment when she gets back to the bar, but opts instead to park near the back and pray to god she’s left the workbed in the room downstairs made - figuring she’d hang around and keep an eye on her until either Anna woke up or Gray showed his head, maybe even play with a few things she remembers leaving behind*

#2 - Anna bitching at Jo for Jo saying she should be the one tactically to test the traps for Crowley

<Anna> Jo is really annoying anna

<Jo> Glad Im not the only one

<Anna> LOL

<Anna> Anna’s just sorta twitching

<Jo> Because she’s being cavalier (fuck is that the word I want? goddamn) or..?

<Anna> that and the whole “you have  more to live for”

<Anna> anna is looking around going..wtf are you seeing that i’m not

<Anna> because..i have a monster

<Anna> and some pissed off siblings

<Anna> and..yea

<Anna> also it’s going back to the whole thing she was ranting at Gray about..fine she’s about shit useless now in a fight but she still knows stuff and Jo is just totally taking that away from her and making her feel shit useless in every way lol

<Jo> *nodnod* That one came out of left field but I think Jo’s kind of gone ‘Taking the monsters out of the equation, youre the one holding the damn building up over these strays and misfits heads, your keeping your crazy brother focussed and honestly more useful being where you are and being able to share what you know. Sure Mom and Bobby and maybe Sam and Dean would be sad if I disappeared, but its

<Jo> not like theyre going to crash and burn’

<Anna> also anna thinks jo ability to plan is bordering on idiodic

<Jo> LOL just a tad

<Anna> it’s totally messing with her angel leader ocd

<Jo> But sometimes the dumbest move will work the best is what she’s thinking. Charging straight in sometimes works cause no one expects anyone to be that goddamn dumb

<Anna> and that whole no one would miss me….“THIS IS NOT A FUCKING CARTOON JO! STOP WATCHING DEANS JAPANESE PORN!”

<Anna> well I’m awake now after that just went screaming through my head

<Jo> “I DONT WATCH CARTOON PORN! HAVE YOU NOT SEEN STAR WARS? NO ONE WOULD GO WALKING RIGHT THROUGH IN THOSE SUITS EXCEPT THE DUMBEST FUCKS IN THE WORLD AND IT WORKED!”    Dammit Anna

<Anna> “I’m starting to see Lucifer’s frustration of why you humans are the favored species.”

<Jo> “Because we realise sometimes people really don’t plan for the morons of the world? Theres a reason the evil geniuses are always foiled, and its because they think everyone is as smart as them.”

<Anna> *Anna just walks away*

<Jo> Clever woman

<Anna> she’s muttering about she’s glad you and dean never hooked up..the world couldn’t handle teh stupidity that would be your kids with both parents thinking this is valid logic

<Jo> *dead*

<Jo> Jo’d like to rebutt that with how headstrong Anna and Dean’s kids would be if Anna’d not juiced up right after.

<Anna> “headstrong but clever is better than headstron and dumb.”

<Anna> “at least with me thrown in the mix the kids would have a 50/50 chance of having brains.”

<Jo> “But a 100% chance of some seriously screwed up morals and values.”

<Anna> “I would take that over stupidity.”

<Jo> “Neither me nor Dean is that damn dumb. We just appreciate logic differently.”

<Anna> *Anna twitching visibly* “NONE OF THIS IS LOGIC, IT’S GOING IN BLIND HOPING FOR THE BEST. IT’S STUPID AND ILL PREPARED. ”

<Anna> she’s beating her head on the wall

<Anna> this is new

<Jo> “Well let me put it to you like this, would you expect someone to be dumb enough to call you into a place filled with altered, untested traps and hope for the best if you were Crowley? Or would it catch you off guard?”

<Jo> LOL

<Anna> “No because unlike Crowley if I was the one with the power I would have never allowed any of you to live to begin with.”

<Jo> “And what is logical about his approaches at all then? If he’s being illogical, then it only makes sense for me to be too!”

<Anna> “No he’s arrogant. Like Uriel was.”

<Jo> “Whatever, my plan would work for a bit. Enough to test some. And might be amusing enough to get me away”

<Jo> (  http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=pFVx058IVsI   )

<Anna> “Let me ask you this, say your plan doesn’t work. Say none of them hold him, which tehre is a high chance that happens and you get yourself killed. You just gave it away that everyone including angels are working against him and he’s going to go on a killing spree afterwards. You just totally wrecked everyone else’s chance at stopping him.”

<Jo> “Oh like he doesn’t know that already. And honestly, it wouldnt be far fetched that I would come up with a stupid idea like that and not know what I was writing.”

<Anna> ……………………. “There isn’t enough alcohol for this conversation in the world or your lack of logic.”

<Jo> (“He’s too big” *dies* Oh Alona)

<Anna> lol

<Jo> “Sure sure, maybe I just have a deathwish this time around. You know all about those.”

<Jo> (drat now shes being pissy)

<Anna> (oh this isn’t going to be good.)

<Jo> (nope. bad places fast. drat)

<Anna> “My death makes sense. I created most of this mess and it serves a purpose. You, wanting to die is an excuse because you can’t handle living again. You want a cowards way out diguised as a noble purpose.”

<Jo> “You say you created most of it, if we backtrack a bit who put any of us on Crowley’s radar at all? Who went and pissed all over his little game? Who honestly has the most responsibility here? And haven’t you heard, that’s what I do. I do something stupid and I get my ass killed. Maybe I don’t like what the world is, but is it so bad to want a death that does something - even if its not this one?”

<Anna> “You sound like a child whining. You treat like like a broken toy, instead of dealing with teh fact it isn’t what you thought or wanted, you finish breaking it to the point it’s worthless and has to be thrown away and then you whine and throw a tantrum about it.”

<Jo> “Oh yes, because I’m exactly like that. You’ve got me all figured out Anna, how right you are. Just like always.”

<Anna> *Anna just stares at her not arguing anymore*

<Jo> “…. At least if I died someone other than a monster would actually /care/ rather than just be put out and lose a source of information.”   (I apologise. So much. I think Anna hit a little close to home with the 'cowards way out’ comment)

<Anna> *Anna smirks* “See I was right, there is more to loose by your death over mine.”

<Jo> “There are more /feelings/ to be hurt. It’s different to loosing someone who can be useful and more good in the long run staying alive.” *Jo scowls slightly back*

<Anna> “Sorry Jo, you just validated your own life over mine, which I had been saying all along. I’ll be the one to test the traps.” *Anna picks up her notebook leaving*

#3 - When Gray and Anna split up the first time, this is how Anna disclosed that to Jo... Grey will hate this (and also some infantilizing comments at end about Jo/Grey’s relationship making Jo a child)

<Anna> we should let them talk..so Jo knows and she can rub it in Gray’s face

<Anna> >_>

<Jo> <_< We should. I dont think Jo would care about a punch in the face or two for an endless amount of gloating

<Anna> lololol

<Anna> *Anna sits in the library with a notepad and the laptop, flipping through different webpages, writing things down*

<Jo> *Jo was meaning to come by and do some more research, since it was getting hard to focus about the housr again, when she sees Anna behind the lines in the library used to it being open again now* “Hey, learn to keep your boyfriend under more control in future, Anna. He’s running crazy at the moment.”

<Anna> *Anna ignores Jo, flipping through more pages.*

<Jo> *Raising an eyebrow, Jo moves around Anna’s chair towards the closet* “Seriously though, he’s a little out of control, though he said something interesting about you last time.”

<Anna> “Can’t imagine what is interesting about me.” *Anna says dryly, glancing up at Jo as she goes to the closet*

<Jo> “More that he said you wouldn’t care if we were knocking boots again. Which honestly was a hilarious suggestion, that you wouldn’t care or that that’d happen again at all.” *Jo lets out a small laugh, flinching at Anna’s tone and trying to avoid looking at her* “Why would he say somethig like that, Anna?”

<Anna> “He’s welcome to fuck whoever he wants, it’s not my business.” *closing the websites she closes her notebook and she shrugs at Jo. “I told him to get out so it’s not surprising that he’s already looking to chase tail again.”

<Jo> “Not your… You…” *Jo bites down on her lips tightly to avoid laughing aloud before moving out of the closet with a few books* “So, what did you throw him out for this time? His /good/ness disappearing?”

<Anna> *Anna looks at Jo, clearly not amused by her jabs.* “It’s not one your business either.” *Standing up she walks around the table with notebook in hand.

<Jo> “In case I missed something, we’re still at least friends, so I think getting to know personal information is sort of my business.” *Jo frowns, watching her move about both curious and cautious, before just going on* “So what was it? Did he screw someone? Give into Crowley? Eat Harry? Not screw you enough?”

<Anna> *Anna walks up to Jo, she still hadn’t bothered picking up the crutch where Gray tossed it and she tilts her head for a moment before drawing back and sucker punching Jo in the mouth.* “There we aren’t friends anymore and you don’t have any privilges to my life.”

<Jo> *Jo just blinks curiously when Anna approaches, getting caught off guard at the fist to her face, dropping the books as she turns around to clutch at her mouth. Turning back around after a moment, she glares around her hand at Anna, voice muffled from both pain and her hand* “Whut the fuck!”

<Anna> *Anna turns leaving the library going towards the bedroom*

<Jo> *Picking up her books and setting them down, Jo rubs at her face a few more minutes before following after Anna when she’s sure she’s not bleeding any more* “Okay seriously, what the fuck is your issue? What did that jackass do this time?”

<Anna> “It’s none of your business, you want to know go ask him. You guys can use it for pillow talk.”

<Jo> “Not going to happen, like, ever. I’d rather not speak to him until he’s over whatever he’s doing as it is, so you’re point of call. Did he fuck up and show just how bad he’s always been, Anna?”

<Anna> “Do you want me to punch you again? I’m not talking about it. In fact by this time tomorrow you  can have this place back.”

<Jo> “I’d be expecting it this time.  Why the hell not, and I’m quite happy where I am, you won the house in the divorce.”

<Anna> “Well I’m leaving it. Found a  place across town. I’ll be out of hunting, out of everyone hair and you can all go about your lives without worrying about me.”

<Jo> “I’m amazed youre not just hopping on a bus again and taking off. But what the hell did he do that got you this pissed, Anna? Why dont you just put the pain and chains back up?”

<Anna> “They are up but it’s not just him I’m getting away from.”

<Jo> “So I’m guessing I’m in that equation of getting away frm too then..”

<Anna> “you think?”

<Jo> *Jo raises an eyebrow in response, looking about the place quickly and not noticing anything out of place* “Anna, if you want me to leave you alone, I will. You dont have to leave to do that.”

<Anna> “I’m leaving because I want to.” *Anna rolls her eyes, why the hell would she want to stay here, in a place she’s had to failed relationships at*

<Jo> “…Right. And why exactly?” *Jo keeps prodding, trying to find the answer to what had happened*

<Anna> “Because I want too.” *Anna just looks at Jo like’s stupid or deaf one.

<Anna> *

<Jo> “Uh huh. Nothing to do with why Gray is seemingly back to his old dickish ways then?”

<Anna> “Nothing to do with him at all. I’m not doing anyone anygood here so I’m leaving.”

<Jo> “Of course not. ….Youre just running away from your problems again, aren’t you? Every time someone upsets you or shocks you or you think you’re hard done by you run off, Anna. At least when they’re someone you care about you do. So what’d the asshole do this time?”

<Anna> “Jo. Drop it. I’m not running, I’m moving. The stairs hurt to go up and down. If I was running away I wouldn’t have told you that I found a place across town.” *Anna rolls her eyes again at Jo.*

<Jo> “I don’t think I will, you said I’m not your friend any more so I don’t have to be nice and let you off the hook with an eye roll or bat of your eyelashes. And if thats all it was you wouldnt have said you were avoiding others than Gray too.”

<Anna> “Whatever Jo” *Anna moves into her bedroom trying to shut the door in Jo’s face. Grabbing what clothes she has and she starts packing them into a bag.*

<Jo> *Glaring at the shut door, Jo kicks out a foot at the bottom of it before turning around and going back to the library, mentally giving it two weeks*

<Anna> *Anna waits till Jo is gone before leaving a note for Harry and calling a cab. She had made all the arrangements online and she just had to go pick up a key*

<Jo> *pets Anna

<Jo> *

<Anna> lol she’s telling you and everyone else who keeps doing that to piss off

<Jo> Loool    it gets such a fun reaction though

<Anna> lol

<Anna> Jo happy and gloating?

<Jo> More confused and just going “Fiine. She wants to fuck up /every/ one of her relationships, thats fine by me”

<Anna> lol

<Anna> now Grey can go kiss her booboo

<Jo> I think Grey’s been doing quite enough kissing recently

<Anna> lol

<Anna> Jo can go happily back to Grey and tell him all about it

<Jo> Oh lord, dont tell her that

<Anna> lol

<Jo> I think she’s mostly pissed Anna wouldnt tell her more than the punch

#4 - Not 100% sure the start of the context of this one as I have it saved under title of ‘crowley - new’ so who the heck knows lol

<Jo> *While Jo knew Anna was trying to avoid everyone, it was just part of her nature to need to know where everyone was staying. If nothing else to know Anna was in a safe place. So stealing the address from a note to Harry and Lily, she pulls up infront of Annas new place, not sure if she was in or not and figuring that trying to break in would just be rude - instead knocking on the door and waiting*

<Anna> *Anna made her way back to the apartment and she had been laying there on the bed for about an hour when she heard the door and she groaned. Whatever Crowley had done was making her leg throb and she didnt want to deal with Gray, though she didn’t think he would be knocking. Getting up she walks carefully over to the door opening it. The iron would keep anyone else from getting in.* “What?”

<Jo> “I thought you might appreciate my not just barging in, seems not.” *Jo peers past Anna trying to see into the apartment before looking back at her tired face* “Just wanted to see where you are, make sure things were… safe.”

<Anna> *Anna looks somewhat relieved when she see’s it’s just Jo and she gives a lil laugh when Jo says she wants to see if she’s safe. Turning around she leaves the door open and goes back to the bed. The apartment is more a flat, everything in one big room with a bathroom off to the side.* “Yea, safe. You aren’t the first guest I’ve had. Crowley came by already.”

<Jo> *Surprised to be allowed in, Jo heads inside as well looking at Anna worriedly when she says Crowley’s already visited as she shuts the door* “Guess that explains a bit of the smell. I guess that means ‘as safe as can be’ then?”

<Anna> *Anna shrugs leaning back on the headboard on the bed* “It wasn’t bad considering, he only took me back to the apartment, wanted to see Gray’s reaction and you know, made sure I knew how much I fail repeating the mistakes of the past.”

<Jo> “Welcome to the club then” *Moving to lean against the opposite wall, Jo frowns slightly at her comment* “How’d you get back here? The dickhead didn’t show up did he?”

<Anna> “No, called a cab again.” *Anna laughs some, she’s drained and hit that numb point that she doesn’t see how anything can get worse.* “I do think I eneded up selling myself to Crowley.”

<Jo> “You did /what/?!”

<Anna> *Anna shrugs rubbing her hand over the cast* “Crowley kept saying I was a pet, but now that I’ve isolated myself and no one cares what happens, I’m no longer leverage. Not good for much of anything.” *Anna glances up at Jo and she leans back* “I asked what I had to do to get him to leave people alone, and he said I wasn’t worth that much, so I named you and Ellen and he said I was only worth one

<Anna> person. I named Ellen, so she’s off his radar.”

<Jo> *Jo visibly sags with relief at Anna saying Ellen was off the hit list, though she looks almost furious at the comment about Anna not being cared for or good for anything* “Just cause we’re not together doesn’t mean youre not my friend. Or doesn’t anyone realise that? Thanks for.. well, Mom though. What do you have to do though? What do you mean selling? You’re not going to fuck him are you?!”

<Anna> “It’s better though if he thinks I am.” *Anna runs a hand through her hair and she shrugs again at Jo’s question.* “It was pretty open ended, I think right now it’s amusing him about the fact Gray and I aren’t together. He thinks Gray will apologize since he’s done things for me that goes against his nature.” *Blinking Anna just laughs bitterly* “Nice to know he can be wrong still.”

<Jo> “True..” *Jo frowns, rubbing at the back of her neck before moving across to sit on the end of the bed, pushing her hair back from her face with a sigh* “So, he’s just got you to agree to some ambiguous agreement and sitting about waiting for the monster to come back grovelling?”

<Anna> “Gray won’t come back, except to  maybe take it out of my hide.” *Anna slides down further on the bed running a hand over her face* “I don’t know what Crowley will come back and want, does it matter though? It’s all right, everything Gray said, Crowley said. I’m helping this way at least. Got Ellen out of that mess Grey did, Crowley didn’t know you had told me about that.”

<Jo> “I doubt that, Anna. I might actually be with Crowley on that one - eventually he’ll crawl back. I always did.” *Jo watches Anna shift about, carefully moving to the side to give her cast more space* “It does matter, Anna, even if you try to say it doesnt. And.. …thank you for that. For fixing that..”

<Anna> “I did it so you could kill him without worrying. And he won’t, we both are too prideful. I’m okay if it ends like this, like Crowley said, it’s taken away something he was holding over people.”

<Jo> “Well thanks for that then, it is kind of nice to stop worrying about that. Gray isn’t /you/ Anna, he’s more like me than he ever has been you and he’ll figure it out that he’s fucked things up and wants you back. But I doubt its going to 'end’ at all Anna, and I dont think you’re going to be okay with whatever happens..”

<Anna> “I fucked up more than Gray. I fucked up with you. It’s like Crowley said, I keep making the same mistakes over and over again and I never learn.” *Blinking Anna takes a deep breath and she give a little laugh* “Whatever happens doesn’t matter, if I’m a good distraction then it’s still good for something”

<Jo> “Well if thats the case why arent you the one willing to apologise rather than running off?  Youre still good for other things, Anna, its just Crowley being a douche that says youre not

<Jo> ”*

<Anna> “Because he’s right.”

<Jo> “No, he’s not”

<Anna> “If I did apologize, I’d be leverage again. Gray before said Crowley came to visit last time I was in teh hospital, said that Gray was willing to give up being a monster and act out life as a human for me. I can’t put him in that position again. This is better.”

<Jo> “Whose this better for? Really?” *Rolling her eyes, Jo runs her hand through her hair before looking back at Anna seriously* “Youre not really achieving what you should running off like this, selling out and what not. And you know it.”

<Anna> *Anna smiles weakly at Jo* “So I’m failing, big surprise”

<Jo> “Yeah actually. You might suck at some stuff, but when you put your mind to something you don’t tend to fuck it up. Not enough that its not surprising”

<Anna> “What’s done is done. Gray is gone, Ellen is out of Crowley’s sites and everything else is okay.”

<Jo> “Except for how you’re going to end up where Grey was last year, am I right?” *Jo sneers slightly, turning to look away from the other woman as she runs it over in her mind*

<Anna> “No, I don’t know how to say I’m sorry.” *Anna shakes her head, she’s not like Grey at all. “Grey rolled over because he doesn’t want to die, I’m doing what Crowley wants so people can kill him.”

<Jo> “And you thought I was the one who couldn’t apologise for mistakes.” *Jo mutters quietly before looking abck at Anna with a raised eyebrow* “Potato potahto. Either way you’re going to end up at the same spot. And really the only reason you /want/ to die is for the same reason he doesn’t - he doesn’t want to go back to where everything is even worse than here, and you don’t want to be responsible

<Jo> for everything getting worse here.”

<Anna> “It’s a tactical advantage.”

<Jo> *Jo was seething by now, the complacant response and attitude towards this pissing her off* “Of course. Because all battles were won thanks to the whores with the intel. If he happens to tell you which of his heels is his weakspot mid orgasm, you let me know.”

<Anna> *Anna doesn’t say anything, she wipes her face and she nods.*

<Jo> “You know what..” *Scowling, Jo stands up and starts pacing beside Anna’s bed, looking down at her occasionally* “If that was me telling you I  had agreed to do some unknown thing Crowley asked me to do, you’d have called me a slut, said I was a moron and was worth more than that and basically torn me apart over it. Just like you always have. Yet you’re unwilling to see you have more potential

<Jo> than what some cocky asshole of a demon and two monsters you’ve been pushing the buttons of for months are telling you. You’re better than this shit Anna, so just get over yourself and realise it!”

<Anna> “I have realized it. There’s an uncomfortable truth to everything they say. What potential do I have? I’m not an angel, I don’t have any grace at all, I don’t even hear them anymore. I’m useless as a human and all do is piss people off but not enough. You have always been what I wanted to be as a human, I yelled because you are so much more than any of us..”

<Jo> “Only because they twist it that way! Demons lie, and both of those two twist the truth how they want it if someone’s hurt them enough. Who is the resident expert on them here, because it sure as hell ain’t you. Big fucking whoop if you’re not an angel anymore, that’s what you’ve wanted - and you’re only useless if you let yourself be. God fucking dammit, Anna, you can’t just try once and give up!

<Jo> I never did, and do you see me really rolling over for anyone? Actually, truly rolling over? I dont give up, and I’m ashamed of you if you do.” *Jo snaps back, basically tuggin at her hair as she talks, voice dropping as she finishes*

<Anna> “Once? I fell, twice. I died trying to stop the apocalypse. I am not rolling over. I am accepting that I fuck everything up and if fucking Crowley buys you the time you need to kill him, well then it’s not rolling over is it.”

<Jo> “You and me both, and do you see me giving it up again? You are rolling over, Anna. Your saying youre useless otherwise and saying you accept that bullshit is rolling over. You are a fucking /human/, and you are worth just as much as anyone else - regardless of if you screw up or not. You don’t see me doing everything right, or don’t you remember those months of you saying that exactly to me?”

<Anna> “Maybe I was wrong.” *Anna runs her hand through her hair and she watches Jo pace in anger.* “Maybe I am human and if I am that means I’m just as dispensable as the rest of the human race. What’s one life compared to everyone else. Or maybe this is karma for what I did as an angel.”

<Jo> “Dispensable yes, but just as important as well. You always run your mouth about my being important, well guess what Anna - so are you too. So yeah, maybe one versus a lot, but you wouldn’t have stood by and watched me sell myself to that asshole in exchange for other people would you?!”

<Anna> “No but that’s because I’m always right and you never listen.” *Anna tries to joke.*

<Jo> “And yet you’re going to stand by and let you do that to yourself?” *Jo shoots her a disapproving look at the joke, even if one side of her mouth quirks up slightly, shaking her head*

<Anna> “Fucking Crowley would probably be the least destructive thing I’ve ever done to myself.” *She looks down at her leg and shrugs.*

<Jo> “I can’t help but disagree. I know what that creep does to people, maybe not physically but the psychological shit is not something you can just shrug your shoulder about, Anna. Especially not you.”

<Anna> “I’ve already got a good shrink to deal with the psychological stuff and a bed reserved at the hospitals.” *Anna jokes again when Jo says especially not her.*

<Jo> *Jo gives Anna a brief look before whirling and kicking at the closest leg of Anna’s very small table, blinking stunnedly when the leg folds in under itself and she’s not quite sure she feels any less angry* “Fine, /fine/. You want to make this all a joke and go through with it, then /fine/, but I’m going to figure out some way to stop whatever you’re thinking from happening, Anna.”

<Anna> *Anna cringes as jo breaks the only table she has and she shakes her head looking at Jo.* “No you won’t. Stopping it would put Ellen back on table of people Crowley can go after. You aren’t going to do that.” *Taking a breath she swallows.* “I’m not giving up but what have I got to lose? You just broke the only othe thing in this apartment besides the bed.”

<Jo> “I’m going to, Anna. Even if it means trapping and gutting that sick son of a bitch in the middle of Antarctica underneath a full moon.” *The comment and look Anna gives her at the table makes Jo let out a shallow breathe, looking apologetically at her* “Sorry about that, I’ll find you a replacement, okay?”

<Anna> “It’s fine. Probably would have never used it.” *Anna looks at Jo and she smiles a bit.* “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine, without Gray here to flush the pills, I’m sure I have a script of one that will take care of anything I’ll feel about doing this.”

<Jo> *Fisting her hands at her sides, Jo shakes her head with a sharp jerk* “You really don’t get this do you..”

<Anna> “I get it. I’ve just stopped caring at this point.” *Anna looks at Jo’s hands and she sits up swinging her legs over the bed.“Free shot for the punch from yesterday.”

<Jo> “Not gonna happen.” *Jo gives Anna a disapproving look, crossing her arms under her chest even though her hands stay balled* “You’ve stopped caring, sure. But you know thats only going to last so long. And when Crowley isn’t powerful any ore everything youve done is going to be for nothing and you’re going to hate yourself more deeply than anyone ever has.”

<Anna> “You assume that I don’t already.” *Anna sighs and she lays back closing her eyes.* “Thanks Jo for coming by.”

<Jo> “You really shouldn’t though..” *Jo runs a hand through her hair gently, looking at Anna with concern before nodding* “Okay, okay. I’ll… If you want I’ll come by again sometime soon.”

<Anna> “Probably not a good idea, never know when Crowley will be here.”

<Jo> *Sighing, Jo nods* “Okay, I get it. I’ll see you sometime, Anna…”

<Anna> *Anna just waves as she crawl into the middle of the bed, closing her eyes to go to sleep*

<Jo> *Heading out the door, Jo wants nothing more than to slam it behind her, but fights down the urge, heading back home again*

<Anna> Jo’s going to kill Anna herself isn’t she

<Jo> Ooooh she wants to

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth