#nongraphic depiction of sa tw

[noblest-roman-of-them-all]

Body Horror and Nightmare

In the aftermath of Revenge, Remus has a nightmare that forces him to confront his own trauma and fears.

Remus rolled down the corridor, eager to greet the returning crew, and Janus most of all.

"Hey!" He greeted cheerfully. "How'd-" The words died in his throat, a somber air hung heavily about. He glanced at each grief stricken face and his heart began to pound. "Where's Janus."

"Re-"

"Where is he?" Remus snapped cutting off his twin.

"I'm sorry," Thomas croaked, clearly fighting back tears.

"Sorry?" Remus shook his head, refusing to acknowledge the implication. "What you- Where is he?" He demanded.

Thomas reached out and dropped a ring in Remus’s palm.

"No."

"We tried-"

"No!"

"We couldn't-"

"No! What is this? Some kind of a sick prank? Where is he? Janus!" He tried pushing past Thomas, but he grabbed his wheelchair.

"He's gone," Thomas said, tears rolling down his cheeks. "I'm sorry."

"He's not!" Remus objected thickly. "He can't be."

"Remus-"

"Don't touch me!" He snapped and Roman jumped back. "Tell me where he is!"

"He's dead," Logan said flatly, his eyes hollow and sad. "We buried him so he couldnt be turned."

Remus shook his head. "No."

"He's dead, Remus."

He broke then, dropping his head into his hands and wailing loudly. He ripped at his hair and beat his head, the emotion of it all too much physically bear. He screamed and sobbed, sure his chest was going to explode.

Someone was stroking his arm, trying to soothe him, telling it was okay, that he was safe, but none of that mattered.

None of it mattered without Janus.

"I'm right here, darling," a voice whispered.

Remus froze, gasping for air, looking around at the sad and confused faces that watched him breakdown.

"Wake up, sweetheart."

Remus snapped awake, bolting up right, and felt a clammy hand rest agains his arm. "It's okay," Janus soothed and stroked his arm. "It's okay, I'm right here."

Remus let out a breath and pushed his hair back. He turned to kiss his beloved, to hold him close, and be able to feel his breath and heartbeat against him to know he was truly alive.

He was met with Janus’s decomposing visage.

Remus screamed and threw himself out of the bed, hitting the floor hard, he scrambled away as quickly as he could, as the mosnter that once was Janus rushed toward him, joints moving incorrectly, cracking loudly, skin slipping from his body as he moved.

"Are you okay?" He asked in faux concern that might have been convincing if Remus couldn't see the feral hunger in his once beautiful eyes and the eager twitching in his mouth.

Remus screamed for help as he struggled to get himself up onto his foot, trying to using the wall to keep himself balanced.

"I'm right here, darling," No Longer Janus replied, his voice sickly sweet and his breath rancid. "I've got you now." His fingers dug into Remus's arm with surprising strength, the bones of one tearing right through Janus’s finger and puncturing Remus's arm as he jerked him off the floor. Janus wrapped an arm around him to keep him upright as he had done when he was alive.

"Let's lie back down."

Remus struggled, but couldn't keep his ground without his crutches or prosthetic as he was dragged away from the door and his only means of escape.

Janus pushed into the bed and, before Remus could recover, pinned his arms over his head. Remus writhed as Not Janus pressed his face into his neck, nipping and kissing him across his neck, skin tearing from Janus's face from the friction.

Remus arched his back, sobbing and trying weakly to get away, begging and pleading for Janus to stop, to let him go.

"Let you go?" Janus murmured in his ear, his rotting face nearly flush against Remus’s. "No, my love, I'm just getting started with you." He pressed his whole body onto Remus’s, moaning in pleasure as he thrust his hips forward against Remus, and he screamed in the hopelessness of it all. It was happening again and he was just as helpless as he was before. Just as weak.

Remus gave up then. Laying there, frozen in terrified resignation, sobbing as his once partner continued rubbing against his body and kissing his face and neck, murmuring foul smelling "I love you"s against his face. Wetness smeared across his cheek, but if it was blood or salavia, Remus wasn't sure, nor did he want to know.

"It's just a dream, honey."

"What?" Remus asked, his voice quiet and timid, as he finally dared to look up his love.

Janus stared down at him, his nose missing, torn from his face in his rampage against Remus and flesh barely hanging on the muscle and bone bellow, with a soft expression. "It's just a dream," he whispered.

Remus jolted awake with a terrified gasp, ripping his arm away from whomever was in the dark and fell from the bed as he scrambled for a light.

A lantern flared to life and Remus shrieked, scrambling to get away from the figure that rushed at him.

Janus froze. "Remus?"

Remus snapped to the voice and flopped onto his back with a releaved sob to see Janus, his Janus, alive and worried, holding the light.

Janus rushed forward, but hesitated to touch Remus. "It's okay," he tried to soothe. "You're safe, honey."

They both jumped when the door burst in. Roman ran to his twin and scooped Remus off the floor.

"What happened?" Emile asked.

Janus shook his head. "He was having a nightmare and fell out bed when he woke up and panicked. It was like he was scared of me. He screamed when I went to help him up."

Emile rubbed Janus’s back. "I think he was just scared and disoriented," he tried to encourage as Janus wiped his cheeks. "I don't think he was actually afraid of you."

Remus slowly calmed as Roman rocked him side to side.

"Are you okay?" Roman finally asked and Remus nodded into the crook of his neck. Roman released some of the grip he had on him and Remus sat back and reached for Janus, who eagerly met him in a hug.

"I love you," Remus mumbled, breathing in the familiar scent of his alive Janus.

"I'm so sorry I scared you," Janus answered.

"It wasnt real. It was just a bad dream," Remus muttered. "Just a dream."

Janus nodded. "Thats all. Just a dream."

"I don't wanna go back to sleep."

"You don't have to, darling. I can stay up with you. We don't have to sleep. I'll do whatever you need."

"Just hold me. Just dont let me go."

---

Remus laid with his head in the middle of Janus’s chest, gratefully listening to the rythmic thrum of his heart, and taking slow breathes that matched his beloved's.

He blinked slowly as Janus massaged his head. "I love you," he murmured.

"I love you too. Do you want to talk about it at all?"

Remus let out a shaky breath. "You died," he croaked. "You died and I wasn't even there. They told me when they came back from scouting. Said they'd buried you to keep you from turning. I just...lost it. Had a complete meltdown, then I heard you telling me that you were there, that we both safe and I woke up. Or. Thought I woke up. I woke up in bed and when I turned to look at you so I could know, so I could see you, you'd been turned. I screamed and tried to get out, but I fell, and I didn't have my crutches or my chair or anything, so it was easy for it to get ahold of me. It threw me on the bed and started kissing me, felt like it was licking my neck. I tried pulling arms free, but froze up when it started grinding on me. It was the same thing Liam did to me and I just...gave up. I tried asking it to stop a few times. He'd just moan louder and push harder against me. I just laid there and cried till I heard you tell me it was all a dream and...you were there for the rest of it."

Janus gaped for a moment and shook his head. "That's horrifying!" He cried softly. "God, no wonder you tried to run from me when you woke up! Honey,-"

"It's okay," Remus cut in. He swallowed and took a deep breath. "I know you wouldn't really hurt me."

Janus sighed and stroked his hair. "I wouldn't be offended if you did need some time."

Remus shook his head and hugged Janus tightly. "Honestly, I was more scared of you being dead. Yeah, the other thing was scary because it actually happened to me. But that's kinda how trauma dreams are, y'know? I know you'd never really do that to me. Hell, you wouldn't even let me do that to myself. You've told me to stop when you could tell I was uncomfortable. I know you're not gonna actually do anything to me. But you can die on me. And that scares me a lot more."

Janus sighed, his heart aching for his love. "I love you." It was all he knew to say. It wasn't enough, it wasn't everything he wanted to express, but it was hard to find the right words. Hard to express concern for his beloved without revealing his own feelings of guilt and perhaps even hurt over the nightmare.

He was overwhelmingly grateful and oddly touched that despite the traumatic nature of the dream Remus still trusted him enough to want to sleep near him, that he wasn't afraid of Janus despite how easy it might be for him to overpower him and do any number of horrible things to him.

He also felt sick at being forced to realize what Remus had been through. It hadn't been a secret per se, he'd known Remus had been through some abuse, had been jumpy about touch at one point, he'd even had a panic attack once when they were making out at the start of their relationship.

But he'd never known Remus to just...give up. And the idea that he had been through something that would cause enough terror to simply...give up made his stomach churn.

And worst of all, it seemed to bother him the least of all the things. Like he didn't realize, didn't see it for all it was.

"I'm okay, Jan," Remus said softly, as if he had known what was racing through his mind. "I know I'm safe with you."

"You should have been safe before," Janus answered.

"Yeah, that would've been nice. But I'm safe now. That's a lot more important to me at the moment."