#none of you understand how much a foggy morning will improve my mood

[the-jellyfish-graves]

Foggy Morning

I think of you like a foggy morning – your presence almost always unexpected yet delightful. You work me into a soft joy that I hide within a screen of mist so dense, unwittingly disguising affection and making it indecipherable to my eyes. I think of you like a foggy morning – settling over me and in my lungs when I am lost inside you. You cloud my eyes, shield me from the sun that threatens my head, and offer me some play – the chance to become a monster, all blood and teeth and torment falling from my lips. I think of you (often) like a foggy morning (in the colder months) – subconsciously waiting for you to come to me.

[minyoonmeme]

Redolent

Word count: 1494

Pairing: Jhope/Jung Hoseok x reader/OC 

Description: Redolent - strongly reminiscent or suggestive of (something)

Genre/Warnings: very sad and very angsty (I got a little emotional writing this, oh gosh)

[See author’s note as the end, please] 

masterlist

To, My Sweet Angel

I feel dull. My ears ring from the grey static bouncing off the walls. My hands ache from the cold, no sufficient source of heat able to insulate the missing warmth. Had the cold always stung? My eyes and head are dotted with dizzying spells as I sway and attempt to clear the fogginess of my sadness. My feet, although stiff and pained, continue to dance. It’s a forced two-step filled with hiccups and short fits of uncontrollable sobs. A slow regression of minor notes has taken over the once lively accompaniment. My ears ring, but I can hear the haunting cadence of D minor. A key so soul-stirring, Schubart, a German Poet, once claimed it was a key “of brooding despair, of blackest depression, of the most gloomy condition of the soul.” Oh, how correct he was.

My suffering is not all for naught, for eventually, with time, I will learn that my feet will only add to the despair around me. Any melody was better than none at all, perhaps.

Eventually, a routine is set and so the dance continues.

My lips sip at the same mug filled with coffee every morning. The carpet still receives the same brutal dragging of feet as I force myself back and forth between the empty apartment, trying to ready myself for another day. I learn to memorize a routine from before. It’s new and familiar all at once. 

Months go by and the dance becomes easier. My feet no longer remain planted and instead have found a slow progression of turns. But turning makes my body ache and creates a dizzy haze. My feet have twice now developed rug burns as I get excited and twirl more than I am able to do so. Eventually, however, I collapse. There are hands set to catch me, but they remind me of you too much and I find myself wishing they would’ve just let me fall. Let my bones feel the same burn my feet do everyday. 

I expect their hands to retreat and for me to stagger, but they stay. Firm and sure despite everything. They hold no pressure, but serve only as a gentle reminder of company. Of care. I try to shake them off, but they are firm and steady. My faint grip proves fruitless, and I continue to let them guide me. I am delicate within their hold, as they never push nor pull too hard on my frail form. They’ve given me a new dance and are kind enough to guide me through it as I stagger. Eventually, I’ll grow attached to the feeling of someone being near, and find the strength to return their hold. One day, may we hold each other up. One day, I will not be a dead weight for their arms. One day, I will them and myself in a waltz set upon marble where we may glide with the burn.

Times proves me correct once again.. 

I do learn to stand on my own… only to feel my knees collapse once more beneath me.. 

What would you think of me? So weak and helpless, nothing like the person you had once known. My appearance has faltered from what you once knew, from what you had once deemed beautiful and kind. The dancing has halted to a complete stop, and the only sound that echoes from me is the sound of my own deafening sobs and painful hiccups. It causes a pain in my chest too deep to just be from my wailing. The dissonance continues once again as I claw numbly at the hollow spot where my heart used to lay. Rain swallows my form as I wallow in the bitter saltiness. 

I feel hands return once more in my time of need, and I try this time to keep them from me. I cry harder and swing wildly at the pressing form. Do they not understand that I don’t want their hands? They’re too large, too warm, and too suffocating. They are not your hands. They will never be your hands. Never again. 

“Let me go!” I beat against them screaming. “Didn’t you hear me? I said, let go! You fucking piece of shit…” My voice chokes and I find myself heaving against their chest desperately. My throat aches from screaming, leaving my mouth to silently open and close as I let the rain pour once more, this time over the two of us. How long had it been since i last heard another’s heart beat? How long has it been since I last heard yours?

Their strength proves to be enough for the both of us once again as they lift my drenched form onto wobbly legs. they know that I’m weak, that if I try to stand I will fall, so they hold me; but, it feels wrong. Everything feels wrong. The air feels too harsh, children’s cries overpower laugher and the sun sets too earlier. Every cliché feels real and everything is too much once again. Every color has faded to match my dull mood despite the copious amount of stimulation running through my mind. 

Someone runs their hand through my hair and hushes over my silent crying. The night greets me sweeter than the sun, and I gladly retreat under the stars. 

“I’m sorry.” I whisper to no one after they’ve left for but a moment. “I don’t want to be weak anymore.” I need you. 

My shoulders shake as I begin to cry again, but my upper body is stuffed between a pair of arms around me. They know the dance well, but my shoes have filled with the bitter rain and weigh down my legs. My bare feet still feel the rawness from my previous lonesome dance. But together, we move. It’s different from before and my body screams in agony, but I let him lead. I let the dance continue because I do not know how to. 

Would you scowl and disapprove of our clumsy movements? It’s nothing compared to your skillful movements of grace and love and care. It’s nothing compared to our dance. A waltz unlike another other filled with hundreds of sympathies and years of practice that if I look hard enough, can still see our tracks along the carpet in the living room. Perhaps, if you saw our dance, our flimsy excuse of a dance, you could come back under some miracle. I always thought you had some sort of magical ability with the way you smiled fluttered about our home. They are not you, no one could ever compare my dear, but they help me live and keep me afloat. I can continue with them. I hope you can forgive me for continuing without you with another. 

The music changes when they hold me upright once more, and I can keep the rain at bay longer than before. Together we shift from a minor to major and raise the tempo to something more lively. It’s not entirely too happy of a melody, but it leaves me humming nonetheless. 

Inside I am sure they know I am comparing the two dances, but they say nothing. I stumble in our new dance, falling into our old forgotten one by mistake, but they only gather my hands while silently guiding me back to them once more. They are kinder than I deserve, but I say nothing selfishly absorbing every contact and movement.

They remind me of you in many ways and I suppose that’s why I let them linger for so long. they care for others just as you had, and smiles for my sake despite my actions inflicting their pure heart at times. I don’t mean to hurt them, but you’ve strung yourself deep within the walls of my heart that it’s hard to look past the intricate woven patterns. One day I will back and apologize for using their kindness to better myself. And one day I know they will respond with only more love. Love I am not sure I am deserving of, but love I will accept nonetheless. You would want that wouldn’t you?

With time I know I will improve. I will continue to dance for you, but this time with someone else. I hope you will forgive me for this, but know that I am happy. That one day I will be very happy. I will smile for you, showing the world what was once a smile as blinding as the sun. My eyes will continue to search for you as I hold onto someone else, and I hope you don't hold too much hate in your heart for me when we see each other again. I can not wait to see you. I can not wait to hold you and see your smile without feeling as if I am piercing my own chest. I miss you. I will always miss you, my dear. 

With more love than you could imagine, 

Your Love.

Notes: Hey guys, Happy New Year! This one was a little sad, but I wrote this to cope with a lost loved one who committed suicide in January a couple of years ago. January has been a little hard for me ever since then, so I felt like I needed to express that somehow rather than keeping it in. This is meant to be a little vague and open for you guys to imagine who is writing this and what’s happened, however. I wanted this to express the pain of trying to “move on” and cope with losing someone or something. If you or someone you know is having a hard time, please reach out to someone let them know they’re being thought of and loved or that you need someone. 

[whyamihereagain23]

Talk to Us

Summary: The Avengers find you in a base where Hydra had experimented on you. They bring you back to the tower, but you’re finding it hard to get comfortable. It takes a while, but Steve eventually brings you out of your shell. Pairing: Steve x Reader Words: 3364

Being found by the Avengers changed your life for the better. Before they found you, you were a lab rat for Hydra’s experiments. They injected you with all kinds of things that you didn’t know that names of. Day after day, you were forced to sit in that cell and wonder when someone would come find you and set you free. There were a couple of people who came and went, but none of them stayed for long. For some reason, you were the only experiment that could survive all the testing and shit they put you through.

Goodie for you.

One night was all it took to change everything. They had just drugged you up for more tests when there was an explosion on the upper levels of the compound. Your mind was foggy as you watched the guards hurry around to go see what had happened. The scientists were instructed to continue working with you, so they started carting you off to the examination room. It was time for them to test your genes again to see if anything had changed.

Just as the door to the room closed, you could hear another explosion. This time it was closer. There was the sound of struggling for a while before your door burst open on its hinges. You’d tried to clear your vision, but the medication kept you disoriented and confused. All you could register was something red, white, and blue moving around the room and dropping all the scientists.  

Once they were all unconscious or squirming on the floor, the blur of colors stepped towards you cautiously. When it got closer, you could distinguish the features of a man. The blue of his eyes was able to register through the haze, and you were able to see nothing but good intent in them. You swayed on your feet, and he was quick to catch you. He called out to you in worry, but you had already passed out.

Later, you found out that his name was Steve; he was the one who had rescued you from that shit-hole that had been your prison for years.

When you woke up from your drug-induced sleep, he was there along with a few other men. They introduced themselves to you and told you that you were safe from the monsters that had kidnapped you. You simply gave them a small smile and thanked them softly.

They asked you a bunch of questions about how you got there and why, but you couldn’t completely explain. All you could say was that they injected things into your body and tested you. The man that you’d come to know as Bruce wrote down what you were saying and took some of your blood. The other two men, Steve and Tony, watched you with crossed arms and suspicious eyes. You didn’t blame them for not trusting you. After all, you were a stranger to them.

All that happened over a year ago, and you were getting better each day. While you still had nightmares, and jumped at the sight of needles, you had improved greatly.

At first, you’d sneak around the tower and avoid contact with any of the people you saw. You preferred to observe and watch rather than talk with others. It took you a long time to even think of saying hi to one of them. They all just seemed so strong and tough. It was hard to believe that they would want to keep you around.

When you first gained the courage to talk with someone, it had been Steve. He was the one that you found yourself being most attached to. He was the kindest to you, and he made an effort to engage with you. Rarely did you indulge him, but that didn’t deter him. So, you slowly opened up until you could talk to him with little trouble.

As if you had summoned him, he walked out of the elevator and headed to the kitchen where you were standing. He smiled when he noticed you sitting on one of the bar stools. “Hey (f/n),” he greeted while touching your shoulder as he passed. It left a tingling warmth on your skin that had you blushing and looking down at your bowl of ice cream. It was possible that you had the tiniest of crushes on the man, but he would never know that.

“Hi Steve,” you mumbled back before stuffing the spoon into your mouth. The cold treat was slowly bringing you out of the sucky mood that you’d been in throughout the day.

He went to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water and an apple to munch on. You thought he’d be on his way to do something else, but he leaned on the counter across from you and started eating. Being honest, it made you a bit uncomfortable. It made you start to question your decision of getting ice cream instead of a healthy snack like him. Sweets just so happened to be your go to when you were feeling like crap.

Steve apparently picked up on this as well. “What’s wrong?” he asked suddenly. You glanced up from your bowl only to quickly look down to avoid his worried gaze.

“There’s nothing wrong. Why would you think that there is?” You thought you sounded pretty convincing, but Steve saw right through the lie.

“You always start eating snacks when you’re stressed or something’s running through your head.” He moved so he was leaning on the bar close to you. He tried to make you look at him, but you only focused harder on your bowl. “You don’t have to lie to me (f/n). I know something’s wrong, and I want to help you.” Ugh! Why did he have to be so sweet?

You started swirling your spoon in your ice cream to make it the consistency of a thick milkshake as you debated whether you wanted to tell him what was on your mind. Just one look into his blue eyes was enough to have you spilling your guts. “I just… I don’t feel like I belong here. All you guys can talk and interact with each other like you’ve been together for years, and I just feel like I’m a burden to everyone. You all save the world from threats and keep people safe. What do I do? It seems like I’m just the girl you all got stuck with. I get that you all do your best to try and include me in things, but I can’t help but feel… different. I’m not great with weapons, I’m not really good at fighting, I don’t have some hammer or a suit that makes me awesome. All I can do is man down the fort while you guys go off being the real heroes.” When you realized what you’d done, your blush returned, and you tried to hide it with your hands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blab about my feelings like that.” You didn’t like getting emotional around them. To you, it made you seem weak. They were all such strong people, and you could only dream of being like them.

A hand on your shoulder made you peek through your fingers at Steve. You were grateful that his eyes weren’t showing pity, just a heart stopping amount of understanding. “I didn’t know you felt that way (f/n). If I’d have known, I would have tried to make you feel as comfortable as possible. But you’ve got to know that we all care about you. You’re not a burden or a girl we got stuck with. You’re as a part of this team as any of us are.” Your eyes started to water at his kind words. Before one of the tears could fall, you wiped harshly at your eyes and pulled away from Steve so that he wouldn’t be able to see you crying so closely.

He didn’t know how much that meant to you. “Thanks Steve.” Your voice wobbled as you fought back the lump in your throat.

Of course, he noticed. “Jeez (f/n), I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m so sorry.”

Before you could placate him and tell him that you were crying happy tears, the elevator doors opened again to reveal the rest of the team. Apparently, they had all decided to come down at the same time. You tried to wipe away all evidence of your tears, but it was too late. Natasha spotted them from across the room.

“What happened?” As soon as she asked, the whole team had their eyes on you. On cue, your cheeks heated and your eyes dropped to the ground, your best friend.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” You tried to brush it off, but that was impossible with a group like them. All of them seemed to have a truth meter when it came to lying.

“If it’s nothing then why are you crying? Did Cap do something to you?” Tony asked while staring the man down. Steve narrowed his eyes at him for even thinking like that.

You shut it down quickly. “No. Like I said, it’s nothing. It’s stupid.” Feeling uncomfortable with all the pairs of eyes on you, you took a step back towards the elevator. “I’m just gonna head to my room to try and get some sleep. That’ll fix everything.” That was a lie. If you went to sleep now, you were guaranteed a nightmare.

Sam spoke up. “You’re not staying for dinner? Stark ordered your favorite.” While that was tempting, you didn’t think that you’d be able to handle them hounding you with questions.

You shook you head with a small smile. “Thanks, but I think I should try and get some sleep. Save some leftovers for me though.” You were in the elevator before any more of them could protest.

Once you were in the privacy of your own room, you flopped down onto your bed and tried to force yourself to sleep. It took a while, but you finally made it. The nightmares were easier to deal with that the thought of them knowing exactly how you felt.

You basically dragged yourself out of bed the next morning. It wasn’t a surprise that you hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before, but you still hated it. What you needed in this moment was a cup of coffee and a big breakfast.

A huge yawn left your mouth as the elevator doors opened. You were surprised to see the whole team up and eating already. Only Steve and Bucky were up at this time of day, so you were immediately a bit suspicious. “Morning,” you grumbled while stalking your way to the coffee machine. They all greeted you with various good mornings as they continued eating breakfast.

Once your cup was made just how you liked it, you sat in your seat at the edge of the table, away from the rest of them. It was the seat you’d chosen when you’d first come here, and you’d claimed it as your own. Usually, everyone would go about their own meals and leave you alone, but that wasn’t the case for this morning.

Clint was the one who cleared his throat and got your attention. “So… Steve told us what was wrong last night.” Your eyebrows shot up to your hairline as you nearly choked on your drink. Of course, he had told them. What else did you expect? “Do you really feel that way? Do you think that we don’t want you here?”

Your eyes dropped down to your mug as you traced the rim. A small shrug was all you could give in answer.

Bruce spoke. “(f/n), you aren’t a burden. No one here feels like you don’t belong with us. We may not show it all the time, but we want you here.”

Sam nodded. “Yeah. Who else would make those special cookies for us. No one can bake like you.” The joke made you smile despite how awkward you felt.

You took another sip of your coffee before speaking. “Thank you; I really do mean it.” You paused before tacking on, “And please don’t think that I don’t care for you all or that I don’t want to engage with you. It’s just hard for me to reach out. I want to talk and do all the stuff you guys do with each other, but it’s just- “ You struggled to find the words.

“You don’t know how to integrate yourself.” It was Bucky who had spoken. He’d only talked to you a total of three times, but you hardly ever felt awkward about it. Besides Steve, he was the one who you were most comfortable around. He made sure that you were comfortable and didn’t try and force his presence on you. If he noticed that you were getting tense, he would give you a small smile and leave. You appreciated that about him. He was a lot like you.

You nodded and glanced back to your cup with a sheepish smile. A part of you rejoiced at having the team understand how you felt, while the other wanted to fade into nothingness and have them ignore you completely. As was the cycle of your life.

“We can start of small. Whatever it takes to make you comfortable. How about we start with breakfast? You could stay and eat with us instead of going back to your room,” Steve suggested in a soft voice. You looked up at him and smiled.

“Yeah… that sounds nice.” The smile he gave you in return had your heart skipping a beat. You didn’t want to get your hopes up and think that he could ever feel for you how you felt for him, but the way he looked at you now was making you feel all kinds of things. You looked away before you could make a complete fool of yourself. You needed to focus on getting through breakfast before you thought about… whatever it was you felt about Steve.

After a few weeks, everything was doing much better. You had been making an effort to go out of your comfort zone a little more and get closer to your… friends. That’s what they were to you now. Gone were the days that you thought of them as only your teammates. The more you were around them, the more you felt like you knew them.

None of them had pushed you hard either. If they noticed that you were starting to feel fidgety, they’d back off and let you calm yourself down. There were a few times where they would strike up a conversation with you when they saw you alone, and despite the awkwardness, you were grateful to them. They didn’t judge you for not being able to talk for long or not knowing what to say. When they noticed, the conversation slowing, they only struck up another topic to try and get you to talk a little more. Slowly, but surely, you were it was getting easier to talk to them more.

Steve, bless his heart, had taken on the role of being your best friend. He was always by your side and made sure to include you in what everyone was doing. He was, by far, the easiest for you to open up to. It had nothing to do with the major crush that you’d been harboring for him. Nope. Not at all.

“(f/n). Did you hear a word I just said?” Your eyes focused and a sheepish smile came to your face when you saw Steve staring at you expectantly.

“Sorry, I went off into la-la-land again. Can you repeat what you said?” He shook his head in amusement as he smiled.

“What were you thinking so hard about?” he asked curiously. Your heart kicked up a notch and your eyes darted to the left. There was no way that you were going to tell him the full truth about what you’d been thinking. No way.

“I was thinking of how awesome all of you are for trying to make me feel comfortable. I really appreciate it.” You tacked a smile on at the end to make it seem sincerer and to get that suspicious look off his face.

The smile he gave you told you that he believed it. “How many times do we have to tell you it’s nothing? I love being there for you.” Immediately after he said it, the tips of his ears went pink and he stuttered to cover up his words. “I-I mean we. We love being there for you. Not that I don’t! I just meant that… oh forget it.” He only got redder the more he rambled on.

To his surprise, you busted out laughing. It wasn’t the reserved giggle that you usually let out when you laughed at something they did. This one was you. Nothing was holding it back. His heart warmed, and a satisfied smirk lifted his lips as he watched you.

When you calmed down, you took a deep breath and looked at him. Your heart stopped when you saw how he was looking at you. His eyes basically sparkled and there was a smile so warm that it put the sun to shame. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He hesitantly moved a hand to your cheek. Your heart was hammering in your chest at the contact. The most he’d ever done was brush your hair out of your face, and you’d blushed every time and looked to the ground. Something about the way he was holding you now was different. The air around you had even changed.

“You’re beautiful, you know?” Your eyebrows rose in shock. It sounded like he’d actually meant that.

On cue, your face heated and you looked away from his piercing stare. There was no way he could think that. While you were friends, you couldn’t believe that he would feel more for you. It just didn’t seem plausible. “You can’t mean that,” you mumbled. You were okay at best. Not ugly, but definitely not as beautiful as he thought you were.

His eyebrows shot down and he moved his other hand so that he was grabbing both sides of your face. You had nowhere else to look except his eyes; they seemed to smolder. Being this close to his face, you could clearly see how handsome he was. “I do; I really mean it. You. Are. Beautiful. Not even you can convince me otherwise.” The conviction in his words had your heart doing overtime.

Something blossomed in your chest. It was an all-encompassing warmth that consumed your entire being and mind. It hit you suddenly. You loved him. You really loved him. Your heart started beating like a drum. “Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me?” His smile grew wider as he leaned in.

“With pleasure.” When his lips met your own, your eyes slipped shut and a wave of relief swept through your body. This was right. You both kissed until your lungs were screaming for air. Even then, you didn’t want to break the intimate connection that you both had.

Only when you feared passing out did you pull away. It took you a while to force your eyes back open, but you managed it. Seeing his lips pink and swollen brought a big smile to your face. He looked really good like this. It made you want to kiss him again. His eyes were glimmering as he released your face. “Go on a date with me, please?” There was no way you would be able to say no to him, not that you wanted to.

“Okay.” Even though you could feel your nerves creeping back up, you knew the date would go off without a hitch. Steve was too close to your heart for you to worry much.

You both couldn’t keep the silly smiles off your faces as you went back to your earlier conversation. The only difference was that you were sitting closer, and Steve had your hand in his. This was something you could get used to.

{MASTERLIST}

@quicksilverbells @misshyen