#nonbayanary fic log

[nonbayanary]

One pro of pulling Xianyun/Cloud Retainer in Genshin is that I can use her voicelines as a basis for my old god Sena AU

[nonbayanary]

Holy SHIT this is the kind of HiruSena i want to write

Andrew and Neil’s relationship will always be impactful to me because it’s about independence existing with love rather than in defiance of it. “I’m not your answer and you sure as fuck aren’t mine,” isn’t a throwaway sentence; it’s not Andrew trying to deny the thing growing between him and Neil. It’s saying the pure and simple truth: love isn’t going to fix everything. Love isn’t going to heal Neil or Andrew; infatuation isn’t going to last an eternity; this interest isn’t going to be a life purpose.

Both Andrew and Neil see it. Instead of pretending they can be enough for each other, they both work to help the other stand alone. Andrew helps Neil stand his ground and stop running. Neil helps Andrew accept his brother and the importance of other people. They help each other find answers that aren’t just themselves. (Although I would argue Andrew had this intention while Neil more or less saw himself as insufficient -- 'nothing' -- and therefore not enough to depend upon; but that's a whole other thing for a whole other post)

I think Andrew has a much deeper understanding of trauma responses and recovery than he lets on (he had so many sessions with Bee). He sees the signs of Neil growing dependent on him. He knows Neil is prone to dependency after his mother; he knows he himself is prone to controlling people and situations. They are the perfect recipe for toxic reliance. Knowing this, he tries to push Neil away. When he figures out he can’t, he tries to change the trajectory their past and their trauma has them set on. Everyone emphasizes how much Andrew focuses on not becoming his past via his ‘yes or no’, but he also focuses heavily on letting his family stand alone. In more ways than one, Andrew actively aspires to be better.

There’s a quote from a book I read recently (Notes of a Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin): “Only healthy people are capable of being in love. Using love to treat an illness just makes the illness worse.” So many stories romanticize love bringing people back from the dark. Andrew and Neil don’t drag each other out of dug graves. Instead, they hand each other a shovel and start digging themselves.

It's been on my mind; how Nora Sakavic masterfully concocted an outline of characters with a disaster waiting at the end of every road and told us a story about how people can take control of their lives and redirect themselves to something healthy and beautiful. I'm excited for TSC :)

[nonbayanary]

Sorry for the lack of fic updates, everyone

I'm currently trying to survive an abusive household, and neither creativity nor motivation is coming to me right now because I'm constantly in fight or flight

But don't worry, I'll do my best to write this NaNoWriMo!

[nonbayanary]

Worst thing ever is when i finally get motivated to write a new chapter of my long-stagnant fic during a fucking LOOMING DEADLINE at WORK

[nonbayanary]

I feel like i made a mistake in writing a God of Arepo AU featuring the Maou Trio of all people

Like, listen. The god of arepo is a story of silence. A farmer silently praying to see what god comes to the temple. A god silently existing. A farmer dying silently and then returning to his god as a fellow god—as equals, silently. No fanfare—just silence.

No fanfare—but then, it features Hiruma???? HIRUMA, NO FANFARE??? IMPOSSIBLE!!! Bro is the king of advertising and marketing! If he summoned a god, he would find a way to profit off it!

And true enough, while writing the fic, I was like, "What have I done? Hiruma would NOT fucking do that!" And thus, Hiruma threw his fucking ovaries in the fire, causing an explosion that summoned a god.

(*head in my hands* oh my FUCK what is HAPPENING)

Take into consideration, the addition of Musashi. Bro knows how to construct things. Of COURSE the cairn, which is simple althroughout the God of Arepo original story, would not stay simple! If you add Musashi's skills and Hiruma's outlandish (and dare I say, even garish) taste for expensive furnishings, this temple will definitely turn out into an all-out BUILDING!

Gods alive, the things I do to wrangle this story to a semblance of its original version.

And Kurita? Bro is already established to be immune to Hiruma's bullets! He's unkillable!!! How do I kill a guy like that??? He would NOT die silently, he'd make sure to go out with guns-a-blazing, taking down the enemy with him!!!

And back to Hiruma, if he came back as a god, holy fucking SHIT, he would shove that fact down everyone's faces!!! Bro only does "silent" when he's plotting!

GAHHHH I MOTHERFUCKING—

[nonbayanary]

Just gonna vent a little about my fic

I'm rereading some parts of my fic and I WANT TO SCREAM AJDHDJDK like, "NO, HIRUMA WOULD NOT SAY THAT???" but it's ME who wrote it and i want to bash my own head in! To my present self, I feel as if my past self mischaracterized Hiruma so much in Chapter 2, and I feel truly ashamed of posting it at its draft stage. (Although I posted it BECAUSE I was sure that if I didn't do it soon, I would delete the whole chapter entirely smh.)

Which is why I feel genuinely shocked sometimes when people say they like my fic hhhhh. Like please don't get me wrong, I'm so so SO GRATEFUL, and I love all the kudos and comments! But sometimes, I'm teary-eyed, like, "Hiruma and Sena are SO mischaracterized here, and yall still love this fic, despite its flaws and shortcomings? AAAAAAAA!!!"

I'd also like to say that now that I'm rereading Sena's dialogue in my fic, I'm screaming, "SENA WOULD NOT SAY THAT!!!" Like ohmygod, WHAT HAVE I DONE, WHY DID I POST THIS???

But also, I can't really blame myself??? I wrote Chapter 2 when I was low on sleep, and ULTRA HIGH on coffee. Like, after working a 9 to 6 job, which is on a COMPUTER, I'd eat dinner, and then continue spending my night hours writing Chapter 2, STILL ON THE COMPUTER. Veins in my eyes would regularly pop, and I'd be typing deep into the night with scattered blood on my sclera.

Because of that, I was almost always sleepy in the daytime. So I'd combat that grogginess with coffee—TOO MUCH COFFEE. In just a few hours, I'd drink three cups of coffee, and top it off with a fourth cup, just to get the inspiration going. And inspiration WOULD come, but I'd be so high that my fingers were shaking. I would feel like I was on a different plane of existence, lile my whole core was vibrating with caffeine. My hands would dance on the keys of my keyboard, as fast as Eyeshield 21 himself. Yet, I'd be so high that I wouldn't even FEEL the keys on my fingers.

I'd be triumphant—but only for a little while. The caffeine crashes afterwards were shit. Inspiration would stop flowing, and I'd just stare at the screen blankly, all blood-red eyeballs and despair-filled gaze, with the knowledge that I ruined my body—and would continue to do so—for one mere fic chapter.

It's understandable that Hiruma and Sena would say shit they wouldn't, because I was high as fuck, and low as shit on logical reasoning.

Still, I can't help but cringe when I reread my fic, the product of several months' worth of sleep deprivation and self-sabotage. Would Hiruma say, "Lead the way"??? Would he say, "Due to certain circumstances, I will be passing away"??? FUCK NO!!! Would Sena say, "And you're the troublemaking son he talks about"????? Would he say, "So you noticed"???? I THINK THE FUCK NOT!!!

But I think all I can do is forgive myself for this misinterpretation of the characters. I'm glad that at least you guys liked this story, misshapen though it is. Maybe one day I'll rewrite this fic, when my circumstances IRL are better. When I'm out of my domestic abuse situation, and when the inspiration finally flows again, because I'm not in a constant state of fight-or-flight every hour.

Perhaps, perhaps.

[nonbayanary]

Fic confession time:

The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known isn't actually my first fic.

My first one was a HTTYD textpost here in Tumblr of Hiccup x anthro!Toothless. It was rated T, with a kissing scene at the end. It was a simple oneshot, that I think is titled either, "Together Forever" or maybe "Together"???

Not sure. I can't find it anymore tbh. But I'm glad I won't have to behold whatever mistakes I've written in there, as it is lost to time and to Tumblr tags.

[nonbayanary]

sneaking in some fic-writing while i'm working in the office

[nonbayanary]

Fell asleep while reading my own fic I wrote,,,,,,

Nature is healing

[nonbayanary]

author’s log

Here are my thoughts as I write the HiruSena fic titled, “The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known.”

Archive of Our Own  ●   Fanfiction.Net

---

[check out the author’s log below the cut!]

Note: This post will be updated continuously, until the fic ends. So buckle up y’all, it’s gonna be a longass fuckin’ ride!

[Log 1]:  Fic Length

This fic actually wasn’t meant to be this long. Originally, I just planned on having three long chapters, with twenty-one parts. 

But then I got attached to these specific portrayals of Hiruma and Sena, and now I can’t let them go without putting these rat bastards (*affectionate*) under a microscope and giving their trauma an in-depth analysis. 

So uhhhh sorry y’all, now this story is divided into Acts 1 to 4, with (hopefully only) 69 parts for each one. 

4 Acts bcs in Japanese culture, “4″ is the number symbolizing death

And 69 parts each bcs EYYYYY 69 lmaoooo

[Log 2]:  Fic’s Manifestation Properties (part 1)

I think this fic has some powers of manifestation??? Like I know it sounds stupid, but hear me out ok

So when I wrote in Ch.2, part xi. that Hiruma used to get panic attacks, it hit me: “Shit, doesn’t this mean I gotta portray an actual panic attack? I gotta do right by the readers!”

And I was like, “Ah, fuck me in the ass and call me Satan. Even if I’ve read about panic attacks for years, I’ve never actually had any before. So how do I write them?”

And then BAM! At home, I start undergoing even worse domestic abuse and psychological torture from my father. 

BAM! I begin to have actual panic attacks. 

BAM! I start having panic attacks so often, that sometimes, I have as many as three consecutive attacks in an hour. 

At one time, it was so bad at home that my attacks were daily. 

But every night, that’s when my panic attacks hit the hardest. Because my father always came home at night. My attacks would knock me unconscious. Like, really knock me out cold, yo. Because this was the only way my brain could help me cope when my father and I were in the same vicinity.

And when I was in the absolute gutter, I would wake up in the midst of a panic attack. And then, when I realized my father was still inside the house, an attack would knock me out again. I would continue to wake up and get knocked out until I was sure he was gone. 

Past Me, before domestic abuse was bad: “Oh no, how do I write panic attacks? I’ve never had any before!”

Present Me, dead-eyed: “Oh, honey.” 

At least I now have a lotta content on panic attacks, though!!! EYYYY I’m taking my wins where I can get ‘em lmaooo

[Log 3]:  Fic’s Manifestation Properties (part 2)

So I’ve got further proof that this fic has some powers of manifestation

Past Me, panicked: “Oh no! Sena has a cat named Pitt in canon! But I don’t know how to write about cats! My family only owns dogs!”

And then BAM! The neighborhood stray cat gets killed by family’s dogs, leaving one kitten orphaned at my house.

BAM! My sibling and I pity the orphaned kitten so much that we adopt it, and start raising it as the sole house cat. 

BAM! Days later I realize: “Well, I guess I now know how cats behave. Wait — OHMYGOD, I can write about cats now!”

Like I am not saying the neighborhood cat’s death had a use, okay. That’s not what I’m saying. I loved that cat, and I grieved her. I wept for her, especially when her kitten called out for her at night. 

I’m just saying that when I start thinking, “Oh no, how do I write this?” 

Some coincidental shit happens

BONUS: Please don’t worry about the orphaned kitten. I’m taking care of her now! Her name is “King Eris” (because I thought she was male at first. The revelation of my mistake only came to me when, months later, I noticed she had a lack of a dick.) She loves headpats, playing, sunbathing on the roof, sleeping on my lap, torture, and murder. (The last two parts are about cockroaches. She plays with them in such a gruesome manner that the poor insects’ deaths are slow and painful.)

[Log 4]:  Literary Works that Inspired the Fic’s Creation: AFTG series

This fic is based on Nora Sakavic’s trilogy, “All For The Game” series. 

It’s a GAY novel series about sports, mafia, and a shitton of childhood trauma. 

It’s really worth the read if you love soul-crushing trauma from different kinds of childhood abuse, and the hope that stems from surviving your circumstances, and choosing each day to continue living anyway. 

This book is my go-to for references on school sports, sports training, healing, and a fuckton of traumatized, lovable kids. 

Because in this fic, that’s what Hiruma and Sena are, essentially: traumatized, lovable kids.

Sena’s mother Mihae is loosely based on one of AFTG’s badass characters: Renee Walker. 

The “Yes or No” moments of consent between Hiruma and Sena are actually inspired by the main couple in the AFTG series, Neil Josten and Andrew Minyard. 

[Log 5]:  Literary Works that Inspired the Fic’s Creation: TLT series

This fic is also based on Tamsyn Muir’s tetralogy, “The Locked Tomb” series. 

It’s about lesbian necromancers in space. It’s got a lot of religious symbolism (Christian), and it sometimes borders on the blasphemic, which I love. After all, my fic’s got a lotta blasphemy in it.

There is SO MUCH love and devotion in The Locked Tomb series, which is why I use it as a reference. 

The fic is, after all, tagged as “Homoerotic Devotion” (or at least, in AO3. In FF.Net, I have no such luck.) There are wholeass bucketloads of devotion in The Locked Tomb, and a lot of them are sure as hell homoerotic. 

[Log 6]:  Literary Works that Inspired the Fic’s Creation: TGCF series smut fics

I’ll be honest, y’all. This fic would not have existed if not for the smuttiest fics out there, about a god being reverently fucked by his worshipper. 

Let’s give a round of applause for the smut fics of Mò Xiāng Tóng Xiù’s webnovel series, “Heaven Official’s Blessing!”

Heaven Official’s Blessing is also called, “Tian Guan Ci Fu,” or  [天官赐福]. The English fandom just calls it “TGCF” for short.

Lemme quote someone for a quick second here, to summarize the story. 

“At its core, TGCF is a story about a fallen god and his last believer; it's a story about devotion, love, loss, longing, fate and destiny, and the meaning of ‘forever’ and ‘to believe'. sure, there are other things: friendship, loyalty, the price of power etc.”

So like, taking the love and devotion of the main couple, and put it in an equation where you add a very creative fandom. BAM! The result is a myriad of smut fics full of praise kinks, god kinks, and body worship. 

Of course, a lot of TGCF fics are inspired by Hozier’s songs as well.

So like, it got me thinking: “Damn, HiruSena doesn’t have that.”

And then my thought process gradually shifted to, “Well, why can’t the HiruSena fandom have that? I guess if I wanna see that shit, then I gotta make it.”

And thus, with the vision in mind of a HiruSena story, inspired by Hozier, homoerotic devotion, and a lotta god-worshipper dynamic going on, this fic was born.

[Log 7]:  Hozier Song Lyrics

One of the recent trends in the fandoms I’ve traversed so far is this: Fics inspired by Hozier lyrics.

Lemme quote a review of Hozier’s music for a hot second, ok

“Each of [Hozier’s] songs are modern versions of traditional folklore that contain stories of love, tragedy, and hope, while also conveying strong political messages. Hozier has a way of delineating life's problems and purpose with beautiful poetry and turning it into songs that resonate with a piece of our soul.”

Like, Hozier’s lyrics are good. Like, really well-written. Even if you’re not a fan of his music—which I genuinely respect, don’t worry—you’ll find that when you read the lyrics of his songs, they really are “chef’s kiss” kinda good. 

Hozier's such a good fit for HiruSena, considering the ongoing Devil theme that Hiruma's trying to portray. Since Hozier songs have a common theme of devotion in them, it makes us all wonder: "What if it's the guy called The Devil who shows devotion in another?" There's so much to explore in that! 

How can a person as broken as The Devil, love someone who is just as broken? How can these two people find heaven in each other? There's so much symbolism, so much potential!

So it kinda got me stumped that I didn’t see any English HiruSena fics with Hozier songs in them. I told my sibling, and they just stared at me and asked, “Well, why don’t you write one, then?”

And BAM! Here we are. 

I hope that somewhere out there, more HiruSena Hozier fics exist. Even if they’re not in English, just knowing they exist would be absolutely lovely. 

And I suppose, if no other HiruSena Hozier fics have been written before this one, then I hope this fic inspires other writers to make more. 

[Log 8]:  Questions

This fic explores the following questions:

"What if it's the guy called The Devil who shows devotion in another?"

"How will Hiruma act when he's being tender with someone?"

"What if Hiruma knows jackshit about romance? What if he's just as awkward, or possibly even more awkward than Sena when he bares his true vulnerable self?"

“Why was Kurita so insistent on playing Amefuto, even back in middle school?”

[Answered in CH. 1]: “Why would Sena join a team when Hiruma recruited him through underhanded means?”

“Why does Hiruma act like an asshole all the time, when it seems as if there's no reason to do so?”

"What does it take for Mamori to go apeshit?"

"Will Sena use the knife his godmother Yoshiko gave him? What is his breaking point? Will the knife remain unused forever? What is the one thing that will drive Sena over the edge?"

Y’all can disregard this particular log tbh. I just put it here so I can keep track of all the questions I want the fic to answer. 

Also LMAO, me saying, “This fic explores the following questions,” as if it’s a goddamn thesis hhhhhh

[Log 9]:  Dedication

I honestly hope that I can reach out to people with similar trauma thru this fic. 

One of the things that helped me persevere through my hardships was: "Character A got through this! Maybe I can too!" And that's what I'm trying to do to in this fic too. 

Whether HiruSena romance scenes dominate, or whether the Hozier lyrics or the memes are more memorable, the true core of this fic is trauma.

This fic is for everyone out there who survived abuse, the people who hold wreckages inside their chests instead of hearts. 

This fic is for the people who clung to Sena's character and loved him, purely because they too were getting bullied. 

This fic is for the people who flinch, for the people who wished they were as powerful as Canon Hiruma. 

This fic is for the people who wake up, and have to talk themselves into getting up from bed each day, instead of giving up. 

This fic is for each and every warrior out there, who has to live normally even after the world did its best to break them.

This fic is for all you survivors out there. 

[Log 10]:  Hiruma crying in Chapter 2

So like, on one hand, I’m glad Hiruma’s released all his years of pent-up grief through crying. Because keeping that all inside is unhealthy and damaging

And it’s actually quite heartbreaking that the thing that actually does manage to set him off is a video of his mother cradling him close to her, when he was but an infant 

But like

Let’s be real with each other for a hot second, okay

Hiruma just fucking cried to the “I want to see my little boy! Here he comes!” vine LMAOOOO

[Log 11]:  The Backstory & Trauma of Kobayakawa Shuuma (Sena’s Dad)

Shuuma’s trauma is actually based on my own trauma, or one aspect of it at least

And that’s trauma caused by having a verbally and emotionally abusive mother.

So don’t worry about the accuracy of trauma representation here, bros, bcs some parts are based on a trueass story.

[Stay tuned, bcs there are definitely a lot more logs to come!]

[nonbayanary]

not me waiting for that sweet, sweet 69 lmaooo

[nonbayanary]

HiruSena Content MASTERPOST

Hi HiruSena simps! Here’s your helpful guide to all the HiruSena content in this blog that I’ve created — or helped create!

i. HIRUSENA FANDOM EVENTS

2023 Fandom Playlist Collab:  Sena is Hiruma’s Klutzy Guardian Angel

ii. FICS / AUs

The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known (a fic)

READ HERE:  Archive of Our Own

READ HERE:  Fanfiction.Net

The Fic’s Official Pinterest Moodboard (with MEMES)

Quotes From the Fic

The Fic’s Meme Reference Masterpost

Author’s Log

Teaser Drafts / Spoilers

I, Carrion (Icarian) - (a fic)

READ HERE:  Archive of Our Own

Teenage Mutant Mystic Demons (an AU)

aka: TMMDemons AU

AU MASTERPOST

my TMMDemons AU sideblog: @tmmdemons-au

iii. FANART

Gentle Slumber  (by nonbayanary)

Gentle Slumber 2  (art by nonbayanary’s sibling)

sena’s smokin’ hot sleep paralysis demon is hiruma  (by nonbayanary)

Fallen God AU  (by nonbayanary)

hiruma’s the demon sena accidentally summoned (art by nonbayanary’s sibling)

the blorbos (based on krossan's art style)

sena is hiruma’s klutzy guardian angel

God of Arepo AU (by nonbayanary)

HiruSena cosplaying Heartsteel (by nonbayanary)

so the new "Too Many Devils" episode, huh?

HiruSena ft. Philippine jeepneys (Part 1, Part 2)

iv. PLAYLISTS

sena’s sleep paralysis demon is hiruma   [ Spotify  ||  YouTube ]

hiruma is the fallen god sena worships   [ Spotify  ||  YouTube ]

gentle slumber   [ Spotify  ||  YouTube ]

hiruma's the demon sena accidentally summoned   [ Spotify  ||  YouTube ] - COLLAB with cypherqueen

HiruSena Pinas [ Spotify || YouTube ]

v. PROMPTS / AU IDEAS (Tumblr Textposts)

Demon Goatman Hiruma & Villager Sena  (aka Buzzfeed Unsolved AU)

Venom AU  (with Hiruma as Venom)

Hercules AU  (with Sena as Hercules)

Six of Crows AU  (Gang Boss Hiruma and Spy Sena)

Neighbors AU

Tattoo AU (with tattoo artist Hiruma and dumbass client Sena)

Sena & Hiruma as Pet Owners

Lesbian Monsterfucker AU with Smut!!!

Sena reads smut fics. Hiruma’s willing to teach Sena how to fuck. (ft. Monta and Suzuna)

Apocalypse AU  (with Demon Hiruma and Skeleton Sena)

Sena as Furina and Hiruma as Focalors

vi. MEMES

“wolf in sleep’s clothing” kid vs. “partners in crime” kid

theatre kid vs. emo kid

hiruma & sena playing dungeons & dragons

the twink & the destroyer

priDEMONth vs. pridEMOnth

pirating media

pretty bf 🤝 obsessed bf

vii. SENA-CENTRIC CONTENT

Fanart:  Sena in a Jacket  (by nonbayanary)

Art Edit:  Gaming & Reading Shonen Jump w/ Sena

Playlist:  Gaming & Reading Shonen Jump w/ Sena  [ Spotify  ||  YouTube ]

Prompt:  Sena & Pitt Headcanons

Prompt: Sena with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Fanart: based on Krossan's art style

Playlist:  Commuting with Sena  [ Spotify  ||  YouTube ]

Meme: Dark!Sena

Fanart: Thicc Transmasc Sena

Fanart: My SENA-sona: "WRAITH"

Potential Sena Faceclaims

Fanart: Undercut Sena

viii. HIRUMA-CENTRIC CONTENT

Prompt:  Hiruma with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Prompt:  Autistic Hiruma

Prompt:  Hiruma Learning How to be a Malewife

Meme:  Hiruma ft. Why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?

Meme:  My Unholy Take on Hiruma

Unpopular Opinion: Hiruma DOES cry

Crossover: Hiruma "The Devil of Deimon" Youichi all started from a trailer of Good Omens

Fanart: based on Krossan's art style

Color Palette: Hiruma's Eye Color

Crossover: Hiruma's Vash the Stampede Era

Potential Hiruma Faceclaims

Prompt: Tiny bby boi Hiruma with piercings

x. HIRUSENA DISCORD SERVER

Join the HiruSena / SenaHiru Discord HERE!  (Don’t worry bros, this link doesn’t expire)

[nonbayanary]

My brain: How bout we dissociate right now?

Me: But I'm writing

My brain: RIGHT NOW :)

Sorry for the lack of fic updates, everyone

I'm currently trying to survive an abusive household, and neither creativity nor motivation is coming to me right now because I'm constantly in fight or flight

But don't worry, I'll do my best to write this NaNoWriMo!