#nobody is doing anything wrong or anything and I know I'm being overly sensitive

[neathbound-fiends]

I think I'm gonna take a little hiatus from this blog for a bit. Feel free to hit me up on Discord if you need anything or wanna chat

[leader-wretched]

I'm trying to take a break but I just can't because this whole thing won't leave my mind. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I've just been reaching out to some people here. I feel like my side of the story is not being listened to and that I am being vilified for my emotions because not many people can understand or agree with me. I get that a lot. Maybe it's my autism and maybe I genuinely am getting everything wrong, but so far I haven't seen anything to disprove my suspicions. I've only seen the opposite and have had people insult me and invalidate my feelings. Nobody should be made to feel like they are 'wrong' or 'bad' for being upset about something that genuinely impacts them. Nobody should be shamed, insulted or belittled for speaking up and sharing their story. -------- I know I've made mistakes and I've owned up to them, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be ignored, insulted and belittled like in Afrothunder's "personal note" to me which is full of insults and misinterpretations. I never deleted any posts or comments, I never said Cube was a child, I never said the knights were evil and my 'tossing slander' at the characters while Afro was sharing unfinished comics during a livestream was only me joking. Australian humour involves a lot of playful 'insulting' called 'taking the piss' which is meant to be sarcasm. I never actually wanted some of the characters punished for their actions, I was only joking. (Except Blixer being smashed in the back of the head with the frying pan, he totally deserved that 100%) I was never insistent on starting conflict, I just wanted to ask questions and explain my feelings, though I know I could've handled it a lot better. I wanted to resolve the conflict, however when Afrothunder said sexual exploitation and non-con was her 'kink,' that was the last straw for me, which is why I reacted so poorly. For me, there was no going back from that, and those comments are inexcusable. Sexual abuse should not be normalised, whether real or fictional. Full stop. -------- People don't know what's going on in my personal life and I'm no comfortable sharing it because I've had my trust broken by people I have reached out too far too many times. All I can share is that I am autistic, I have depression and I am a victim of SA, as well as years of bullying and harassment all throughout my life for my autism and perceived 'weirdness' by people, on top of me being trans which is when the bullying got worse. It got so bad to the point that when I was in high school, I always needed a friend or teacher by my side to prevent me from being bullied, as it always happened when I was on my own. I have to disclose this, because all of this is strongly related to why I perceive things the way I do and why I react a certain way. I know I am 'overly-sensitive' and 'aggressively defensive' or whatever but can you really blame me for being like this after all I've been through? -------- I have explained my experiences with Afrothunder in detail in earlier posts. Some posts may not be available to you as I put a mature content filter on them. I made some posts worded in a way that avoids explicit details so they are suitable for all audiences, though there are trigger warnings for them. Posts suitable for all audiences: - My experience with Afrothunderxx96 - Introduction - Part 1: Before the conflict started - Part 2: Conflict - (No Part 3 yet) - Food for Thought 1/2 - Food for thought 2/2 Posts with mature content: (18+ only) - Initial call-out post (I will update this some time later to include screenshots of what I legally can include) - First reblog - Second reblog - Reblog of Afrothunder's post - Screenshots of DMs and server messages with Afrothunder Part 1 - Screenshots of DMs and server messages with Afrothunder Part 2 - Screenshots of DMs and server messages with Afrothunder Part 3 - Post about Afrothunder's contradictory statements (She claimed that what she said in DM's was her directing my 'hating energy' towards her so I could 'leave her friend alone.') --------

I don't expect or want everyone to agree with me. I simply wish for people to hear me out and try to understand where I'm coming from. When only listening to one person you agree with and ignoring the other which you do not, there is an even viewpoint and an understanding of both sides of the story. You are free to believe whatever you wish, though it is important to listen to both perspectives to make an informed decision and understand the full context. Also there is this one person who keeps reblogging my posts just to harass me, even though I've blocked them. You can either go away and leave me alone, or keep it up. By doing that, you're only digging your own grave further and showing people your true colours. -------- I didn't edit or rewrite any of this to have a more assertive tone. All of this is written now, as I am currently feeling so it all comes from the heart. Thank you for reading this far. I hope you understand my side of the story at least a bit more now, assuming you've only read this and not my other posts yet. I am open to questions, as long as things stay respectful. Thank you.

[pinkwizardd]

blah blah

my dad thinks maybe my sleeps just fucked up. i went to get him taco bell today and although i didnt cry yesterday i broke down on the way home tonight like ugly sobbing. i feel like i am never going to feel good again, i feel like i did when i was using. whenever i feel even slightly rejected it's like i'm being stabbed and pulled under the ground. i guess maybe we are out of the honeymoon phase or maybe i am just looking for any available indication that he is going to turn on me at any moment. gee, i wonder why. but i dont know what the source of this overall depression is, i feel really severely not well. i feel like i can distract myself for a little while, but with any minor trigger or once the distraction is lost i am back feeling hopeless and alone. it feels like nobody around me is real. i cant find the words to explain. i dont want to be truly vulnerable at all.

i want to write something or make something or anything to get me out of this hole but just like when i was using, abandoned and abused, a raw open wound isolated and impotent, i have nothing worthwhile to say. i am not one of those people who can make meaning out of their suffering. i am scared that i lack resilience, but i think of my parents and hope they passed some on to me. instead of a raw open wound i feel like a festering one, sort of oozing and untended, desperate for proper attention, for me to do something about it. nobody can help me cause i have to do it myself. i hate this feeling like nothing i do matters and no matter what i do it wont get better. i hate feeling suspicious and resentful toward people who arent actually doing anything wrong to me as far as i can rationally tell. lmao even in that sentence the qualifier of "as far as i can rationally tell" gives away how intense my paranoid awful thoughts are that i cant fully trust anything in front of me. i cant trust and i cant do what i did before. throw myself out in the open to be hurt however the other person felt like it. i've lost that. i'm not so naive anymore. and i've been conditioned to repress things and hide my feelings in order to try to keep someone happy and close to me. i dont want to do that anymore. it hurts me.

i am overly sensitive and react very badly to pretty normal innocent things. i perceive my reaction as wrong and unjust so i tell myself no that's bad you shouldnt feel that its wrong and i turn it in on myself. i cant hold it in so i just cry and cry and cant say whats wrong because i've lost the plot from sheer overwhelm. like i dont even remember why i cried on the way home. i just couldnt stop it from happening. i was going to go to bed at 3 but i'm too angry and sad to sleep over something that shouldnt matter. i still feel like a stupid slighted loser being lied to and gaslit and devalued. i feel ashamed and anguished reminded in these feelings of times like a phone call years ago where i lashed out in actually rightful paranoia and was treated like i was crazy and irrational. i remember asking a lot if they were laughing at me on speaker with their stupid friend because i felt so foolish and broken down. it all made me feel so stupid and awful.

i am scared to change and exhausted. maybe i should just try to talk to him about it as honestly as i can, try to find a therapist, do something different. but i keep going back to the same patterns thinking i'll make it work, because that's what i do, because i am an addict. i am a dry drunk and i just want to feel good. all i've tried to do for a long time, desperately, is to feel good. and look where thats fucking got me!!!!!

i am so angry and sad and rejected i dont want to do all my normal distractions but its not like i wanna fucking do anythign else either. i just want it to be fixed and good and whole. i dont want to be this fragile ugly non-person anymroe

[a-froger-epic]

I decided to make this post because I think it's important in light of the fact that I will be hosting Freddie Mercury Weekend, and I am asking all authors not to engage with hateful, provocative or distressing comments.

However, as an author myself, I know I often feel unsure about not engaging, deleting or ignoring comments even if they do distress me.

because I don't feel justified in disengaging

because it isn't really "hate"

because maybe I'm just being overly sensitive?

So let us work through two examples here to illustrate when it is okay - and for the sake of the event recommended - not to engage with a comment, even if it isn't hate, and why.

This comment isn't offensive, as such. It's politely worded and it's complimentary in part. It definitely isn't "hate". It didn't particularly distress me, and I did engage with it.

However:

The comment offers no constructive criticism of any kind. There is no explanation given as to what the issue is or how it could be fixed. As the author, you are none the wiser. There is nothing you gain from a comment like this other than the knowledge that somebody didn't like something (you don't know what) about your story. Therefor - during the event and otherwise - you are not ignoring valid criticism by not replying to a comment like this. There is nothing here that you could respond to with anything other than "I'm sorry you feel that way". This is simply somebody telling you, however nicely, that they don't like your story without giving an explanation why. You have every right to delete or not engage with this kind of comment, and you would be justified in doing so.

This comment isn't particularly rude on first sight, it isn't "hate" on first sight, but it is distressing and offensive. I engaged with it, but during the event, I would not and for the sake of the event I ask that you do not, either.

Here is why:

There is no constructive criticism. At no point does this comment explain what, in the text, made the commenter think that Freddie is OOC. The author is left guessing how exactly they are meant to have altered his personality. Furthermore, the comment is full of accusations. It accuses the author of intentionally mischaracterising the character they're writing, which is hurtful. It is also an assumption nobody should ever make about somebody else's writing, as it implies that the author has something to gain from willingly writing a character in a way they know is "wrong". As authors, we all know that it is painful and virtually impossible to intentionally write a character in a way that does not feel right to you.

This comment doesn't use direct insults. But it is hurtful, it is rude, it is accusatory and for the sake of the event you should delete comments of this nature immediately.

Comments don't have to be ad hominem insults or "hate" to be distressing, hurtful or simply unhelpful/unnecessary. You, as the author, are within your right not to tolerate them on your work.

Here is a fantastic guide on how to leave constructive criticism on fic! Only, of course, if an authors states that they are open to it.

[sclfmastery]

I'm glad I'm not the only one to pick up on his BPD traits. It's a large part of why I love his character-because I see my self in him. And quite frankly, with him. Without going into too much detail (because I don't know how Mun feels about such things) it's something of a coping mechanism for my own symptoms. I struggle to maintain real-life relationships because I get overly attached and like him, I'm sensitive to abandonment, whether it's real or imagined. There's a term-Favorite Person(1/2)

I didn’t answer this at first because I wasn’t sure if it would make you feel worse to see a response to something that you found triggering, but I’m gonna proceed cautiously with the understanding that you’re okay with it as long as you remain on anon <3

I have always felt that undiagnosed, not-understood BPD is a major part of the Master’s suffering.  All Masters, although I see it more explicitly acted out in the NuWho Masters.  But it’s what you say, the notion that the “Favorite Person” isn’t solely one of many close relationships, but the definition of all that one is.  It’s the fact that the Doctor has always responded to the Master’s intense attachment with evasion, for a number of potential reasons, both speculative and canonical (not the least of which some of the Doctor’s own nd traits, including debilitating ADHD).  It’s the fact that the Doctor tried actively to replace the Master with beings who are, in their own short-lived way, wonderful, but far less threatening, because they know her less and can be bamboozled and wowed by her: humans (you are totally right imho: that’s why the Master hates humans). 

It’s further the fact that the Master’s sense of inferiority, gleaned from hyper-sensitivity to a thousand little slights (which may not have even occurred to the Doctor), was “confirmed” by learning that the Doctor is a wholly other, mysteriously powerful being from whose genetic code all regeneration derives.  That was the biggest kick in the nuts, and the hearts, yet.  The Master thinks  that he’s not only inferior, he’s also a cast-off, and that his purpose--to be the Doctor’s Foil and Equal--has been erased.  He’s not her first best friend. He’s not her first anything (although....lots of us have theories about the kid who pushed the Timeless Child off that cliff).  

But here is what I want him, and you, to remember. 

He’s wrong. 

He has GREAT value irrespective of the Doctor. He is indomitable and eccentric and ingenious and brave and witty and fierce and wonderful. What’s a genetic sequence got to do with inherent value? Nothing, or racists and eugenicists would be right, and we know they aren’t.   So he can regenerate because her creepy adoptive mother predated on her and killed her repeatedly to figure out how to harness her immortality.  So what, Koschei? Don’t do that monster Tecteun the dignity of believing the Doctor was anything but a frightened, stolen child who, now, I would argue, needs you more than ever. 

Is canon ever going to acknowledge this? No. Because if the Master ever learns that he’s mentally ill, and he needs therapy and counseling and self-care techniques and love and patient acceptance, then one of the most illustrious villains of a 60-year mega-franchise is going to turn into something Unknown, and potentially not fiscally marketable (bullshit: nothing’s better than a great redemption story, but ....nobody seems to get this anymore). 

That’s where it’s up to us.

It’s up to us to give the Master his would-be healing.  That’s why I’m here, and since you reached out to me, chances are, it’s why you’re here too. We can catch the Master in the act of self-sabotage, through our own muses, through our art or essays or would-be fanfic or other writing scenarios.  We can make him self-aware.  We can give him what he needs.  Having BPD shouldn’t be a death sentence.   Having it shouldn’t doom a character or all the people who see him and relate to him to feeling inferior and lonely.  

I really hope that my dumb rp blog gives you some sense of peace, because I actively choose to give the Master his happy ending where he’s loved as he is, with his BPD, and given tools to manage it better. 

[uncloseted]

how do you feel about the discourse on trigger warnings that people use as opposed to people just being uncomfortable / not wanting to talk about something they don’t necessarily agree with? as humans we have to be uncomfortable to grow, we have to be wrong and come into contact with things we don’t agree with to learn, what do you think of this? and i’m not talking about TWs for things like SA, SH, i’m talking about when people trigger warn for like... innocent photos. normal words. situations that are regular situations. do you think something should really necessarily be labeled as a TW if it’s just something that someone doesn’t agree with or makes them less than happy?? i feel like a lot of people throw TW around lately and are very OVERLY sensitive (esp on tumblr) and it honestly just pisses me off with someone who actually has PTSD.

As with a lot of things, I think it's complicated. Triggers aren't cut-and-dry. There are a lot of "innocent" or "normal" things that are legitimate triggers for people because they associate them with a traumatic event. For example, hearing the phrase "I love you" is a somewhat common PTSD trigger for people who have experienced parental or partner abuse. On the flip side, there are lots of things that people just don't want to deal with because they're uncomfortable, which I empathize with. Sometimes I just want to be able to scroll on social media without being reminded that a million horrible things are happening in the world, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I think it's smart to be intentional about the terms of our engagement with uncomfortable topics. You're right that we need to be uncomfortable to grow, but we can't grow if we're uncomfortable all the time. It's kind of like working out, right? We need to exercise our muscles a little bit so that they can get stronger, but if we exercise too much, we damage our muscles to the point where we can't use them at all. It's dangerous to totally shield ourselves from opposing opinions or viewpoints (see: January 6th insurrection, Q-Anon), but it's also dangerous to constantly be inundated with tragedy. Right now it's difficult to reach a happy medium between the two. I do also think it's dangerous how puritanical certain online groups have become, and how those groups have discouraged admitting that you disagree or have questions or don't know something or that you're wrong, but I don't think that's a trigger warning issue so much as a larger cultural issue within those communities.

I think the real issue here is not how and when people are avoiding content, but rather the imposition it creates for content creators, especially online. Nobody can put a trigger warning for every possible thing a person could be legitimately triggered by, and the attempt to do so creates those weird moments where you see things like "TW: peanut butter, allergies, George Washington Carver, Suriname, Americans" and wonder if anyone actually wanted those warnings to begin with. Some of those topics would maybe be better labeled as "content warnings"- just a head's up as to what's actually in the piece. But that means that we have to decide which triggers are common enough to be "triggers" and what things are commonly avoided enough to be worthy of a "content warning". If we did that, I'm sure people would argue ad nauseum about what should and shouldn't count as one or the other, and I just don't think it would be very productive.

Ultimately, I think the solution is probably technological. If a person can effectively curate their online experience by blocking content that contains topics they don't want to engage in at that moment, content creators don't have to worry about whether or not someone might come across their post and be triggered by peanut butter. And I think that type of curation will become easier as AI gets better and can easily create accurate metadata about the contents of online media.