#nobody felt Real. everyone was so hot and gorgeous and charismatic and let's not talk about the italian tour guide who talked like mario

[kikuism]

dnf'd the pairing 😍

[eyez-ff-blog]

○○ eyez | ten

August 29, 2015

The road to the end of the tour was a long one—Houston’s show was out of control, and Jermaine loved the city’s energy. Before the show, Beija had taken the time out to show everyone around her stomping grounds. It was a notable memory to get to eat at one of her favorite spots, and see some of the neighborhoods she grew up in. It seemed almost like home for him. After the show, he even got to meet her friends, which was telling with the type of person B seemed to be. She ran with diverse women who were successful and charismatic. It was an interesting sight to see, although her closest female friend seemed to be giving him this knowing look...he couldn’t say for sure what that was about.

But now it was a new day and he was finally where it all began for him—Fayetteville was his heart and it was where it all began for him. It always felt special to come back to the place he once called home. Even though he knew that these moments had to be fleeting, it felt good to always come back and be welcomed. He took the day to himself for the most part, going around and hitting usual spots—he hit the barber shop for a line-up, then his favorite food spot to get something to eat. He rested in the middle of the day and then, he was back in the streets before night fall.

When he finally did get back to his hotel room, he flopped across the bed before he yawned, rubbing under his eye before he pulled out his phone. He saw a missed call from Melissa, so he decided to call her up before he went to sleep.

“Hi J,” He heard her voice once she picked up the phone, and he kicked off his shoes as he sank into the bed. “You made it back home?” She asked.

“Yeah, just got in from runnin’ about,” He said before he slid his hand behind his head slowly. “I missed you. You had a good day?” He asked.

“I did, and I missed you too,” He smiled a bit, being able to hear the joy in her voice. “You’re almost done! Now you can come home and rest,” She chuckled.

“Mhm. Can’t wait to see you,” He said as he reached over for the remote, turning on the TV.

“I can’t either, honestly. I’ve been counting down the days,” She laughed a bit. “But I’m really excited because now we can work on what we were talking about.”

“Oh yeah,” J was quickly reminded of the promise he made to her before tour, and that apprehension shot through his body like a jolt of electricity. He wasn’t sure what the emotion was—maybe it was fear—but it caused some hesitation.

“You sound so excited,” Mel’s voice grew flat. “Don’t tell me you’re about to renege on me, Jermaine. You promised...”

“I’m not—it just hadn’t been really on my mind. Just been thinking about touring,” He admitted.

“That’s the words of someone who doesn’t want it. I mean, I understand your tunnel vision. I know how you get. But this is deeper than just something I want you to do for me. I want a family with you, J. That should be important enough to you to not forget about,” She argued.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, baby,” He sighed.

“Being sorry is not—never mind, J. If you say you’re sorry, it’s fine,” She said.

“Mel. Don’t be like that. Say how you feel,” J had never noticed until that moment that Mel did that a lot—she’d begin to argue and then stop. He was no big fan of constant drama, but he didn’t want her to feel as if she couldn’t at least talk to him.

“I’m fine. Because I don’t feel like arguing with you tonight. We’ll speak on it when you get home,” She said. “I guess I can’t blame you for wanting to be focused on one thing at a time.”

“I promise, when I get home we can talk all of this out. But look, I need to talk to you about something, actually. It’s important and it actually has been on my mind,” He began.

“I don’t like the tone of your voice,” Mel said, and J knew what she meant—he almost sounded apologetic before he even said anything to her. She knew he was about to say something that was liable to upset her.

“I think the last couple times we spoke, you asked me about...Beija. And I told you we weren’t speaking anymore,” He reminisced.

“And you’re about to tell me you lied to me,” Mel’s voice grew a bit cold. “How long has it been?” She asked.

“We stopped talking in March...started again around May,” He asked.

“Okay. So it’s August...almost September, Jermaine. You thought lying to me for almost four months was going to sit well with me?” Mel asked. “You know I don’t like her at all. That’s why you kept it from me,” She scolded.

“I don’t know what your issue is with B. She’s not a bad girl, Mel—she’s really nice if you just get to know her,” He tried to reason.

“I don’t want to get to know her, J. I don’t care—do you hear what I’m telling you? I don’t care for that girl. Everything about her rubs me so wrong, and I wished you’d respect that and just not continue speaking with her. But whatever,” She dismissed.

“Nah, don’t do that—just say what you feel, Mel. You never give me a real reason why you don’t like her at all. You just say you don’t. You don’t act like this with any of my friends,” He complained.

“Because none of your friends are her. None of your friends look like her,” Mel’s voice began to rise.

“Okay, and what does she look like?”

“She looks like every girl you’ve ever fucked around with in the past, J. I can’t believe you’re acting so damn dense!” The call went silent for a moment, and J sat there, stunned. “Every woman you’ve ever let into your room, every woman you let do things that I should have been doing for you, looked like her. Acted like her. Talked like her. I don’t trust her,” She admitted.

“Okay, but she’s nobody to worry about. She doesn’t even go there on that level with me,” J truthfully stated. “So what is it really...? Is it me you don’t trust?”

“You always say this. You have said this to me every time I had to get a call from a bitch who wanted to ‘come to me as a woman.’ She’s nobody you need to worry about. It’s becoming empty words,” She stressed.

“Baby...I asked you a question. Please answer it. Do you trust me, or don’t you?” J asked, and the line went silent again. “Melissa.”

“I do trust you. But...”

“But nothing. If you trust me, then you have to trust that I’m not about to leave you or do you dirty. Shit is different now—you’re my wife, and I vowed my life to you. I’d like for you to trust that,” He requested.

“I just wished you...I just wished that the things you say now were the principles you stood by back then. I’m sorry, J—I do trust you, but it’s hard for me to at times. All the stuff from the past seems to be mirrored right now. But there’s something else...something I can’t put my finger on, that just—never mind,” Mel’s voice seemed to deflate, almost the point of defeat. “I have to go,” She hung up before he could protest.

J sat up in the bed before he let out a drawn-out sigh, closing his eyes as he pinched the bridge of his nose. This wasn’t how he wanted to end his night. He ran a hand over his head before he yawned, getting up from his bed. Maybe a hot shower and some sleep would take the edge off.

The next morning was pretty fast paced—he got up and got himself together before he made his way down to the lobby, making sure he waited by the door. He checked his watch before he glanced up, seeing Beija hop off of the elevator. The weather was warm even for the morning, and he took note of the fact that she decided to wear shorts today. His eyebrows rose at the way her shape seemed to become even more defined in the tight denim. Her thighs, thick and brown, seemed to press together in an almost inviting way as she walked.

Snap out of it. He shook his head and he glanced up at her face, and she was devoid of make-up today. He had finally caught the difference between when she wore make-up and when she didn’t. Aside from what he assumed to be lip balm, she was natural for the day, and though he thought she was delightful with her facial skills, he still thought she was gorgeous without it. Snap. Out of it.

“Morning,” He said before he stuck out an arm to hug her with. B reached out and hugged him briefly before the two headed out of the hotel. “So, I hope I ain’t wake you up by texting you,” He said.

“Oh, nah. I was in the middle of getting ready when you did. What did you wanna show me?” She asked.

“Well I wanted to do it yesterday but I decided to get to sleep early,” He yawned. “But I wanted to take you to the house,” He revealed.

“Sleep early, huh? You don’t look like you slept at all,” B frowned as she shook her head. “But...you mean your first house?” She raised her eyebrows.

“Yep. I’ll actually take you to both places...the place before that was trash, but I think you’d appreciate the contrast,” He chuckled as they approached the rental car he had gotten for the day. After helping her inside the car, he got in on the driver’s side.

“Oh, shit. You taking me everywhere! I feel all special,” B laughed a bit, and he gave her a light smile before he looked back towards the road.

“I mean; you took me all over Houston. I gotta pay it forward,” He insisted. “But you been doing okay? Like in general...you not having trouble sleeping or anything?” He asked.

“What do you mean?” B sounded a little defensive, and he was curious and confused at it. “I’ve been sleeping okay. Some nights aren’t so great but I get through it,” She added.

“Oh, okay. I wasn’t trying to offend you or anything. I just got to thinking about back when you had that nightmare. I don’t know what made me think about it,” He said. It was a mystery why he even thought about it, but it for some reason roused J to speak on it.

“Oh, well I’m okay J,” Her tone seemed to soften, and he nodded quickly before he looked over at her.

“Promise me,” He said, and she seemed to shrink under his gaze. “Promise you’re okay...”

“I promise, Lamarr. Now stop acting like a dad,” She laughed softly. He noted that her skin became richer around the cheeks, and his eyebrows raised briefly. She couldn’t be...blushing, could she? He decided not to ask.

Jermaine drove through his old neighborhood as he described his childhood to Beija, speaking of back when he slept in the same bedroom as his brother, and back when all he dreamed about was just being able to get out of the hood somehow. Even just driving through the neighborhood again, he could feel this level of urgency and stress—everything seemed so different now, as if things got worse. But he felt like that was a transition for things to become better. Even within their silence, the feeling seemed to be shared and understood.

But the drive through Spring Lake didn’t seem to compare to when they finally arrived upon Forest Hills Drive.

“I think the family that was here left last week...you wanna go inside?” The car parked in front of the now gated-in home, and Beija looked over at him with large eyes.

“We can?” She asked, and he shrugged. She nodded, and J shut off the engine before he got out and walked around to her side. Once he helped Beija out the car, the two walked towards the front door before he rummaged through his pockets for the key. Once he found it, he unlocked the door before he opened it, allowing B to walk inside first.

From the emptiness of the house, he could tell that it was vacant...for now. He had set it up to allow families to come and get back on their feet, and since the last family that was here seemed to be gone, it wouldn’t be long before another family would emerge and make home here. “Wow,” He glanced over at B as she seemed to take in the atmosphere, and he watched her closely, seeing the awe in her own eyes. He couldn’t place the feeling that consumed him, but it was something similar to joy. In the moment she looked so pure. “So this is the spot, huh? Pretty awesome,” She chuckled. “I remember seeing when you did the house tour on YouTube. I thought it was so cool...but being here just feels different,” She said.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. But you wanna see where my room was?” He asked, and she nodded. He grabbed her hand and led her up the steps before he reached his bedroom, walking inside with her.

“Aw, they still have your old beat machine!” B squealed as she broke from his grasp, hurrying over to the small table that the kit sat upon. “This is like...amazing. I don’t even know what to say,” She chuckled softly as she gingerly ran her fingers across the machine. “I swear I wanted to produce so bad. And to think, you were a teen making beats already!” She chuckled.

“A nigga was trying, I’ll say that much,” He laughed. “All I ever thought about was music. I wanted to rap, get the money...get the chicks,” He laughed. “And then one day I wanted to get an even bigger house than this. Help my mama and my brother out. But at the moment, this was my castle in the sky,” He rubbed the back of his neck, growing quiet as he looked around the room.

“And look how far you’ve come. Millions of fans, a good life, good friends, and a legacy...you’ve got a lot to be proud of, J,” Jermaine snapped to attention as he noticed Beija approach him. “I’m proud of you. I always have been, even when I didn’t know you.”

“Don’t be gettin’ all emotional on me, ma,” He laughed a bit as he glanced down at her, feeling a slight twinge in his stomach at the sincerity within her gaze. “You know somethin’? You amazing...like, I mean that,” He said.

“This isn’t about me,” She complained.

“I know, I know. But...you just are. You really been out here workin’ hard and shit, getting your shit together. I wish I was as composed as you when I was your age. I admire you so much,” He noticed the richness in her cheeks again.

“Well, it’s not always that way. My job requires me to be composed—I can’t afford to fall apart,” The way she spoke sounded oddly familiar...almost aligning. It troubled him for some reason.

“What you mean, B?” He noticed her shy away when he asked, and he shook his head as he grabbed her arm softly, pulling her closer. “Talk to me, Imani. It’s me...you know you can trust me,” His voice lowered.

B nodded before she sat down on the simply dressed bed, and he sat down next to her before he watched the way she stared at the wall. She seemed to be within her own mind. “...I had four brothers instead of three,” She mumbled.

“Had?”

“I watched him die. I was twelve,” She mumbled, and J’s face fell as he tilted his head, watching her closely. “He was sixteen. I guess he got mistaken for someone who did a crime, and the police wasn’t letting up. They shot him. And our family fell apart after that,” She explained. “My dad started drinking a lot to cope. My brothers stopped talking the way they used to. My mom just kinda...stopped tuning in mentally...”

“And you?” He asked.

“I tried to be the woman of the house. Did what I could to keep the family ‘together,’ or what I thought ‘together’ meant,” She replied. “Mind you, I’m going from little skinny girl to the curves my mama had the older I got. So it went from teasing to catcalls and unwanted touches,” For some reason J found himself growing anxious—not in the sense of fear, but offense and a need to protect. “Then dad and the alcohol turned into fights with my parents. I felt like it was my fault...like I wasn’t doing enough,” She paused. “I think that kinda broke me. I started doing bad in school, started isolating myself...then my mom caught me cutting. That’s when she sent me to the doctor. I was diagnosed with depression when I was about sixteen,” She said, and it all finally came together for Jermaine.

“Shit...so that’s why you came to my room. You have dreams about your brother,” He explained, and she nodded slowly.

“I can still see his face sometimes—that day? When the shots ripped through his chest. I can see the pain in his eyes...it was like they took a part of me too,” She explained. “And those filthy fucks got to walk free, J. It has never seemed fair to me. They took my brother, they took the spirit of my family for a while.”

“But...you know that wasn’t your fault, right? Your brother, your parents...none of that was your fault, Beija,” He tried to convince her.

“Some days I understand that...some days I don’t. That’s why I am how I am. I throw myself into my school work and my job so people will be proud of me. I dress nice so I can feel good about myself. I have to make sure I am perfect, Jermaine. Nobody can see me like...this. This part of me is ugly...unlovable. Nobody wants to deal with a depressed person. Not like this,” She said.

“Man... Nothin’ about you is ugly,” J shook his head as he moved off of the bed. He slowly kneeled down in front of her, noting the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. He sighed as he reached up and wiped them away. “B...you’re the most beautiful person I know. Outside, inside, it don’t matter. And you wanna know why your mom sent you to get help? Because she loves you. She loves you no matter what, and I bet your pops and your brothers love you too. You have so many people who wanna see you win. You don’t have to hide from the people you love. If they really love you, they’ll love all of you...no matter what,” His hand fell from her face to rest in her own hand, holding it tightly.

“It’s so hard. This is so hard to just talk about. I don’t want to be anyone’s burden,” She sniffed.

“You’re not, though. You can’t suffer by yourself, B. You gotta open up and talk so whatever you need, a person can help you out. Look...I don’t know much about depression. I ain’t no expert but I can identify with these feelings sometimes so If something is bothering you, please babygirl—please come talk to me. I am here for you,” His tone was pleading and passionate. “I don’t want you to ever feel so low that you do somethin’ you can’t reverse—that shit...that shit would fuckin’ hurt me so bad.”

The woman’s bottom lip trembled as she looked down at her lap, and he frowned when her shoulders began to buckle. He pulled her closer into his arms, and he said nothing as he listened to her soft sobbing. He hid his face in her hair before he ran his fingers down her back, soothingly rubbing her as she cried. He couldn’t imagine how scared she was to tell him about the pain she seemed to be dealing with, but he felt honored that she felt comfortable enough to speak upon it. When the two finally broke embrace, he reached up and wiped her face, looking into her eyes as he shook his head. Even when she was crying, she just seemed to illuminate. “You got my shirt wet,” He mumbled, and she let out a chuckle.

“I should’ve gotten snot on it,” She joked, and he let out a small laugh before he ran his hand over her hair, moving some curls out of her face. “Thank you...for all of this, J. Thank you,” She whispered.

“It’s no problem. I just want you to be okay,” He said as he slowly stood up to his feet. “I guess we should get back. I don’t need Ib losing his shit,” He mumbled.

“You’re right. Bless his heart, he works so hard,” B chuckled softly before she sniffed, shaking off the last of her tears. “Jermaine?” He looked down at her as a means of giving her his attention. “Can we please keep this between us? The only one who knows other than you is Ib, but he doesn’t know all the details. I just don’t...I’m not ready to tell everyone yet,” She explained.

“It’s between us, Imani. I promise,” He took her hand, and she nodded as their fingers slowly laced.