#nobody cares abt me hurting myself either so why should i not??? if i want to???

[ningningkittie]

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[cheerie]

sorry to personal post but im so fucking sick of my mom she is incapable of not being rude to me!!! i finally got a second job even tho it sucks and im not excited to work in a pizza place again but i wanna be able to afford rent and move out into the house that i am now living in w roommates and the first thing she says about it is that i should try to become manager like JDBSK??? i havent started my FIRST DAY YET and then i said i wanna try delivery driving and she just goes on and on abt how ill hate it and i shouldnt do it bc apparently i cant think for myself.

and earlier this week we had another “talk” where she asks what being trans means and why im trans and telling me im wrong and ill regret transitioning. my brother and i have constantly explained it to her but she will never understand and she doesnt even try to respect it. she clearly dislikes me but pretends she doesnt. she told me shes worried nobody will ever love me (bc im trans) and when i told her thats an incredibly mean thing to say she acts all innocent and plays dumb like bitch u know u wouldnt say that to anybody else, or even me if i was cis... and when i just ask her to please think about what she says before she says it like were in grade school, she acts like its such a burden on her to use tact. shes a rotten person and i cant stand being under the same roof as her. i fucking have a house but she wants me to wait another month to move out so ill be more financially secure “because she cares about my mental health.” she constantly talks about how it breaks her heart that im trans, as if im doing this to hurt her and as if she can just be as mean as she wants to me. she makes fun of my friends and bases all of her opinions on stereotypes (my friend w short hair must also be trans bc shes tomboyish!!) even after having a relatively civil conversation despite her degrading me and telling me shell never understand me or call me a boy, she has to remark that my hair is outdated and i should change it, because she literally cant have a conversation with me without being rude.

i never even fucking wanted to come out to her she found out and shes been using it against me ever since. she thinks im some kind of drug addict bc i inject it?? and she calls me stubborn and angry despite her being the stubborn one and me only seeming angry bc i constantly have to defend myself!! am i supposed to be pleased with her calling me a thing and disrespecting me on a weekly basis?? i feel sick being at home and im always on edge around her. she misconstrues me as a mean person bc how dare i move out. im lazy and “not marketable” bc i cant get a SECOND job. she regrets “letting me” major in painting despite it being my passion bc she doesnt think ill be able to make money with a painting degree, and shes always telling me to paint different things because “nobodys going to buy paintings of your friends.” i hate hate hate her and im so tired!!! how can every other person ive met be both nicer and more accepting of me than my own mother. my dad doesnt respect me being trans either but atleast he doesnt say disgusting things to me and purposely make me feel like shit. i feel like im so close to getting out but idk if ill ever be completely free from them. she’s pessimistic and moody and she makes everyone else miserable to be around her. she wants me to go to therapy, which i am totally in agreement of once i get health insurance again, but shes only telling me to go in the hopes that ill be “cured” of being trans.

i cant stand her as a person shes the reason for all of my insecurity and trauma and she has the audacity to act like shes never done anything wrong her behavior disgusts me and i never want to be anything like her!!!!!! thats all.

[witchysleepingbeauty]

Hi princess! So imagine this lady who's always ALWAYS being negative abt her kids, never a kind word and only belittling, every other day, like "what did I do wrong really? What kind of kids have I raised? They're bla bla bla" with venom. And worst who doesnt acknowledge how negative + painful she is

When i try to talk to her nd ask her exactly whats the issue with 'me' or how can I help her to ease her burden as she keeps complaining how we're ungrateful or keeps comparing to other 'more acceptable in her eyes" children, she gets defensive nd won't answer properly. She says "ohhh, why don't U know that? arent u old enough to know?' and then starts ranting. when time after time ive begged her to clearly tell me, no passiv agressiveness please! it doesn't work nd i end up wondering why i even bother when im only the villain... Yes this ig is my role in her story that ive writen? confusing 😅

when I can, sometimes i try to help her even tho shes the sort who likes to stay busy so she'll find smth else to do lol, nd inside hope for her to be at least a little NOT negative today.... she either ignores or gets angrier nd goes all "hey, I didn't ask U to do that! How dare u act like u did me a favor! U think ur perfect while im just ur servant right?" when i never even intend that? i effing HATE negative reinforcement nd i feel so damn bad for her, nd shes taught me how negative reinforcement is the worst thing to use, cuz it never teaches anything only builds resentment!!

this is smth i realised that she cant be pleased, she wants to get attention what I mean is, whenever we spend time together, she is perfectly fine when we're talking abt her hobbies nd interests which tbh im NOT that interested in personally but since she likes them i like to discuss them with her nd help her out with projects. not to say "ohhh im so cool i help out with her projects look at me so kind of me! lol" its just it hurts when ur own mother doesn't even rpetend to care abt ur interests. i suspect deep down i carried this feeling of unworthiness ie if even my own mother doesn't care abt my hobbies/projects, no one will . which is why i feel so uncomfortable sharing anything personal to my rl friends cuz im so afraid theyll reject me too :(

By not caring i dont mean I expect her to listen nonstop to me. she has her own life but i mean she purposely zones out, rolls her eyes which HURT SM when i was a child, or even worst she says "im not interested" nd shuts the convo. again, at this point, idec anymore as ive learned slowly to value nd cherish my own value nd hobbies etc which is an important lesson anyway

the only thing i want is to stop her being so painfully negative LOUDLY. Yk I suspect becuz of her dwelling on whats wrong in her life, shes gotten severe numbness nd swelling in one arm? and even the doctors cant detect whats wrong! nd its hella painful nd she can't even lift it up sometimes!!!! THIS GOES ON TO SHOW HOW INNER CONSTANT NEGATIVITY CAN BE REFLECTED IN THE OUTER AKA OUR BODY!! To anyone else who cant help have negative thoughts ONLY, u gotta try to change them! Please! Bcuz my mother's pain in her arm is sometimes crazily too much! Nd this in turn, esp on days where all i hear is her gripe, its worse at night!

Anyway I was compeled to write this as a while ago i went to the kitchen for water nd from her room i heard her loudly complain nd mutter abt how her kids are "socially unacceptable" nd "dear god i pray please please don't let me rely on them in old age, i made a mistake raising them!" She's the sort whos got so many limiting beliefs that initially led to my deep unhappiness w/o knowng it was these beliefs at play eg if you dont become a certain career, youll have no security, or recently she keeps nd keeps lamenting abt not havjng 'enoufh money' (we r having kinda financial crisis due to some rlly terrible decisions by my other parent) or 'oh Im STUCK with this [bad word] family!" when she saw a movie abt someone who went on a trip nd began comparing her own life to it. She's so talented we all ask her to start an online business but she backs away nd says 'how will i ever get capital? im doomed to never have what i want' nd I myself have a bit empty wallet temporarily so i cant help her. Nyway, while im trying to fix my own beliefs, seeing her rage nd let negativity completly take over her is alarming nd worrying to me. it makes me feel negative emotions too. im not entirely confident in mastering my mind ywt. i was that overly sensitive kid at school nd i absorv her energy a lot. Those who u love the most, hurt u the most. nd i agree bcoz while im hurt by her (not that shes intentionally hurting me. THRU her im hurt), i do love her. Nd now thanks to the law ik by changing my beliefs abt things, i can change the world

My reason is i cant change her bcuz she gets hella maddened if i suggest a less negative thought. Nd she instead starts blaming me for my 'decisions in Life' which SHE would NEVERRR make oh no... -_- Nd im not saying i try to be obnoxious abt it hell no! im talking abt getting frustrated at the table talking abt smth abt a random topic, then suddenly listening to her start complaining abt e g. Some kid whos "richer" than i am heatedly! nd if i steer the convo away, nope, she keeps fuming a bit

so since i can only change myself, how the hell do i change my assumptions of her? i affirm having a great mother, happy nd open with her thriving business etc. i affirm this but i cant focus cuz doing so inevitbly makes me sad lol cuz i rmmbr how happy nd liveky she used to be before some unfortunate things in our family that started yrs ago. Which affected us all. Any advice, please? im on a mental diet hwoever the earlier incident of her complaining abt us again caused smth in me to snap. im distancing myself from her but the short times im with her there's only a strong air of disapproval, pain nd misery around her. Tbh i was like that pre-law, not knowing how destructiv my thoughts were, while she was the happy optimistic grateful one. Nd now? Im only slightly more self aware than before ie im NOT saying im able to rise in consiousness SOo much that im 'untouchable' nd buddha-like! Nor is my mom wrong bcuz she's me pushed out! its only her lvl of conciousness nd thats it. its just I don't want to cause or feel more pain or hav any excuse to curse her ,when ego sometimes takes over, anymore. im having some personal issues to take care of too, which is why this is affecting me too much. Sort of like having a weak immune system already?

I want my happy intelligent mom back. ik i got to change me... but the doing is way harder than the saying

🫀anon

Okay first of all imma say it cause I don’t think nobody else will…. Your mom is shitty…. There, I said it. She is abusive and selfish and a bad mom. No parent should ever treat their children that way and make them think they need to fix them.

Other than that yes it’s true she is your manifestation but I think it’s important to let emotions out. Be mad at her for once, stop rationalizing her bad behavior. You have the right to feel mad, angry, sad. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.

I know it seems impossible to keep a mental diet when you see the negative behavior you wish to change every day. I assume you live in the same house. My suggestion is to stick to your mental diet and try to interact as little with her as possible. Go out more often or stay a bit more in your room. Every time you see a behavior from her that you don’t like, and you feel like affirming doesn’t help, close your eyes and see her hugging you and telling you all sorts of beautiful, loving things you’d like to hear from her.

You should also work on your self concept. Parental issues often manifest from poor self concept. Affirmations like “I am worthy, I am loved, I am enough, I am respected, I am cherished” work amazing.

[on-wxrds]

i’ve genuinely never been so suicidal in my entire life like i’ve never been able to plan anything or picture myself dead but now when i think about my future that’s literally all i can see. i cant picture myself literally a year from now. i cant picture myself finishing my degree even though i’m close, i can’t picture myself having a career or moving to a new city or making new friends or just being happy or not even being happy just maybe content with life. i want to stop being in pain every fucking second of my life. and i know people are so quick so say well think abt ur “friends” and “family” well those same fucking people are also causing me pain so maybe me slitting my throat and bleeding out will help them feel just the slightest but of pain i’ve been feeling for a decade now. you know, sometimes you think ok i can get thru this bc nothing can get worse but some fucking how things keep getting worse and i seriously cannot take this anymore. it hurts so much everyday. the only thing that makes me feel the slightest bit better is watching blood drip all over my body while i get high and drunk. my arm is already ruined again after years of healing so now i just don’t give a fuck anymore. i honestly don’t even care about hiding my scars anymore either because at some point when you’re suicidal enough literally nothing fucking matters. it’s actually funny like why should i care about what random ppl or really anyone thinks when i don’t even wanna exist lol jesse said in a song “nobody can judge me the way that i judge myself” yup. this life is not worth living and if anyone had my brain for one second they would understand why i need to die. i just need to. nothing will make me feel better except dying. i want to cut my entire body open and bleed out. i want to feel everything and then nothing.