#no1curr o'clock

[harinezumiko]

PS to all three people who were following me on Twitter, I'm migrating to Bsky because Twitter is poison now. That said, I'm in the middle of my move, and it's not going smoothly because of course it isn't.

Beware I share people's NSFW on there because I was using it as alt Twitter, but I'll try to use Tumblr more now too.

[harinezumiko]

This is a thing I’ve been on both sides of, somewhat, although I suspect that when I had enough money to survive last time I was unhappy for other reasons. But for anyone wondering, here are some notes I’ve mulled over between homeless and renting and almost-starving and eventually getting a house that I now have to maintain.

Money will not make you happy if you are:

-Cultivating relationships primarily with people whose interest in you ends with your monthly credit limit

-Using it to fill a void that could be filled by meaningful friendships

-Trying to keep up with other people’s money instead of meeting your own needs

-Probably money will not make you happy if you use it to attend college in this economy, but it will make you happier than taking out loans you’ll never be able to repay

-Surrounded entirely by family who are sharking for the sake of being sharks; if they or your friends weren’t interested in you before you had money, their interest in you is not in you, but in the money they can take from you

-Probably also if you are in perfect health and have perfect teeth and haven’t had reason to see a doctor in the past three years, money and the ability to have Good Insurance will not mean anything to you

-Already living comfortably for the most part, because the novelty of being able to afford something from a store that isn’t on clearance is generally lost on you, but at the same time, if you are already in a financial position where you are living comfortably and haven’t known poverty, it’s less that you are unaware that money makes you happy or comfortable, and more that you don’t have rock bottom to compare to. Which is a good thing.

Money will make you happier if you are:

-In need of things that our society fails to provide but that which are mandatory to live, IE somewhere safe to live, reliable transportation, medical care that doesn’t threaten your ability to eat

-Speaking of the ability to eat, money will also make you happier if it allows you things like a refrigerator and food to put in it, and also things like heat and water and electricity, which for some reason society (hint: capitalism) doesn’t treat as basic needs for living humans to have in the first place

-If you have hobbies that can’t be achieved through entirely thrifty needs (IE computer or art hobbies, generally, unless you are a magical person who can create things with yarn)

-If you are using that money to improve your life, your health, getting out of a bad situation, money will help tremendously with these things, although you may experience survivor’s guilt for getting out of the hole. You deserve to get out of the hole. Let no one tell you otherwise.

-If you are not in a position to work five jobs to rent a garbage apartment, because you will burn out and die doing this

-If you are caring for people or animals whose wellbeing would be improved if you were able to pitch in

-If you want to make your water/electric/gas/trash/car/etc payments a little ahead of time so you don’t get to the end of the month (why is it always due on like the 25th wtf) and pick which necessary amenity is going to get cut off so you can continue to eat

-Also if it gives you the ability to be choosy about doctors or therapists or to  get things like second opinions, that’s amazing and mind-blowing and should not be but it will probably make you cry the first time you experience it.

All that babbling aside, there are very few people I have met that I would ever wish six months of experiencing having no money on, and primarily, I would wish it on them so that they don’t put other people in that position. (There are plenty of people I’ve never met personally that I would wish it on, and most of them have multiple commas in their bank accounts, and experience “small loans” with multiple commas. If you can wipe your ass with a piece of paper that I could pay my utilities with and make my car payment with, maybe don’t make laws for people who are even poorer than I’ve been.) The only good thing that rock bottom ever taught me was who wouldn’t leave, and how unbelievably good even one step out of the pit feels.

[in-the-real-gay]

This isn’t SU meta, but I don’t want to put it on my primary blog.

The political climate is very, very scary right now in the USA. And it means reexamining my privilege. 

I’m a good liar. Not a great one, but I learned at an early age to say the right answer instead of the truth. If someone asks me in public, now, I can say--and it’s not a lie--that I have a boyfriend. What it omits is that I also have a wife. It omits that my boyfriend is trans. It omits that I identify as a lesbian.

But I have long hair and dress like a girl, and nine times out of ten, people haven’t believed I’m gay when I’ve told them. People didn’t believe I was dating my then-fiancee when we announced our wedding. People who were invited believed it was a joke. 

I live in a blue state. I live a few hours away from one of the USA’s biggest gay cities. I also live in a semi-rural area where my boyfriend doesn’t bind and responds to the name his mother gave him, because who knows what job interviewers think of non-cis people? 

I am scared for my boyfriend now. I am scared for my wife, who passes just as well as I do, but isn’t quite so silver-tongue or snakelike. I am scared of the America we live in. I am scared for the people I know and don’t know who are less fortunate, live in red states, for those who aren’t blessed with absent or supportive family. (Absent family is better than toxic family, imo.) 

I don’t like being scared. I haven’t been scared since I was a little girl. I haven’t had to reflect on what my dad said when I came out until eleven years after his death. 

Don’t tell anyone. Don’t announce it. Don’t make this choice, it will follow you for the rest of your life.

Well here I am, and here America is, and I don’t know if I’m going to be out of the closet the way I have been for the past fourteen years. Online, I doubt things will change much. But offline? And my business profiles? It’s suddenly alarmingly clear that these will need change in the face of Trump’s America.

I’m scared.

[harinezumiko]

lol lmao the pipes are backed up and the washing machine backed up the toilet and bathtub and the 20ft hand snake I shouldn't be using with my fucked up shoulder was not long enough to reach it woooo

anyway while I try to solve that and try not to cry, congrats me for not giving myself a medically significant allergic reaction to food today! Un-congratulations to past me who can't. I fuckin guess eat anything I normally eat anymore

[harinezumiko]

Mini update but we are back in the house, we have not finished getting it cleaned out, there has been a never ending conga of debacle bullshit with the cleaning company/crew, my cats missed me but also got unruly, one bit my foot pretty good yesterday (first time in 35 years!) and I should be good with the at home wound care regimen my nurse friends have put me on, but it is not ideal and at least I already stomped down the dumpster... which goes back tomorrow and a good 20% of the job is not yet in it. Welp. I certainly can't put it in there right now so hopefully we can snipe the cleaners out from these fuckers.

[harinezumiko]

what an easier time I'd have if I just didn't love fragile living things

[harinezumiko]

So... in a fit of mania my brain was like, "see if that other choli has enough seam allowance to be let out", and remarkably, it does! And while looking for the sleeves to see about putting them on, I managed to find the like... 20lb theatrical skirt I snagged on Mercari last year, and that also still fits me? The mannequin is kinda busted and won't adjust to my current measurements, but now I've got it in my head to reconstruct my pre-rebellion fancy Pearl with a winter variant... I think the top dress base may still fit, but it honestly doesn't have to if I keep the choli separate. A mystery. Many hubris thoughts swirling in my brain unchecked.

[harinezumiko]

I have so many feelings about so many OCs but like T_T Chocolate Pearl’s relentless clueless baby gay behavior is so cute, especially when we gave her gold blush, but damn my hands for not cooperating with my attempts to do this justice...

[harinezumiko]

So we have ultra scary weather hitting and may lose power to wind knocking out trees and power lines, and flooding—in point of fact other parts of town lost power from the previous storm which didn’t have 70mph gust warnings—and I am panicking and out of my depth here, especially in terms of if we have to yeet the fridge’s contents?? Though honestly the prospect of a tree falling won’t leave my head and that is Worse. Hhhh.

Anyway if we lose power we won’t have wifi or phone service because it’s wifi dependent, so if I vanish or am unresponsive on Discord that’s most likely why.

[harinezumiko]

New old life hack, actually wear the night-safe carpal tunnel brace to sleep and maybe be able to offer light art to cover groceries... presuming, of course, that going to the store doesn’t wreck my wrist. ugh

[harinezumiko]

Unhelpfully had a hysterical breakdown over the Everythingness and probably don’t trust me operating machinery with the precarious mental state but also can’t fuckin. Get around the fact that the household is out of shit. God. I hate this. There is no good to be had in clinging every fucking second to looking for a ledge up when everything’s on fire.  

I don’t have time to break down about any of this, I can’t even participate in the mandatory parts of the society that wants people like me dead.

[harinezumiko]

My period really came to just murder me outright, huh? Jfc

[harinezumiko]

Bonus updates so far: The car we currently have in the interim was broken into last night, possibly because the graveyard of cars has been located? Regardless, I'm having a Continued Time. Guy at the garage is an ass and absolutely refuses to work over the phone toward... anything, and I can't go to his shop about my car in his possession until I magically get this sorted, which means he gets to pocket another $90 in storage fees for just today. Also if the ONLY thing this car needs is battery jumped, that's $88. He has informed me that my car is not worth the price of towing it one way even if he were willing to buy it from me, which is definitely significantly less than Google tells me the scrap is valued at. So if it does anything, it only decreases the amount I owe him, which increases by $90/day... and he won't discuss wtf to do about this over the phone. Great. My favorite type of garage guy.

Anyway I am not good and this is pretty nightmarishly terrible and I guess I have more police reports to file. Also it is $400 to file restraining orders in California. Poverty is very great. Love this.

Gofundmoi is pinned but like here it is too.

Our stolen car was found in a graveyard of other stolen cars that all have their catalytic converters harvested and I am Not Great about it but must somehow be personable and cute enough on under 3hr of sleep and seduce the guy at the tow lot that he should totally like buy it from me because there isn't an option B where I get it back, and I am sure having a whole time about this on top of the everything else happening, anyway why does Murphy hate me and not want me to do Nano

I'm behind on DMs again and I'm so sorry for it, just... I am not great and I have stunlocked myself into not being able to handle how badly my brain thinks it's doing at things like "talking to friends" or "responding to people generally" and it is very annoying and also bad. x_x

Anyway welcome Twitter migratory types, they don't give us a word limit here!

[harinezumiko]

So anyway my next intelligent step would, of course, be to remove myself from Internet spaces until meds are sorted, but as ever, that can't be done, therefore instead I will simply continue to burn my life to the ground while I'm sick and continue not to deal with material grief or loss or fear. Attempts to get my life back together will resume during brief moments of clarity. If the nausea passes at least maybe I'll draw but big shrug.

[harinezumiko]

If Tumblr actually unbans nsfw and gives me back the Spicy Hidden Yaois from my old primary account I will be delighted, from a solely archivist pov I am Mad and going to Stay Mad that it’s been hidden, do u know how many updates the old laptops would need for me to even ATTEMPT digging up my old art, and all of it is absolutely trapped behind Adobe malding if you open your own files on more than one machine?

This isn’t me having That Much hope, but like at the same time, I just got access to a bunch of formerly hidden (sometimes rightly so, often not at all) posts I couldn’t view TO appeal with art and photos that I haven’t seen since the ban went into effect. So there is Some material backend change.

I logged into an account I abandoned like 10 years ago and got lost art back and if that’s all I get from this it’s still winning.

[harinezumiko]

WHICH ONE FUCKING IS IT, I SAY WITHOUT EXPECTATION OF SURVIVAL. 

So last night the inside upstairs was over 100, a thing that is not fixable because the main house’s air system currently makes burning smells and also pumps hot air. 

We have window AC in the bedroom that can’t keep up if we open the hall door, but this room is okay for Me and for Host, and whichever cats are playing nice at the time. 

Stepping into the hall, I am hit with a solid wall of heat. Upstairs is impossible to use without the world doing Bad Things, made worse by essentially going from 70s to upper-90s to 100s in a few steps. 

This heatwave keeps getting extended, and we’re hanging in as best we can, that just isn’t. You know. Very much at all. I feel like asking for help is redundant and pointless and annoying, but also that it invites abhorrent behavior from people who chastise me for not being able to bootstraps from fuckin’... nothing, just because they think it’s easy. It’s not. I’m lucky I was able to haul the window unit out of the garage with minor bruises and really lucky that it worked. I can safely say right now I’d be in the ER a few days ago otherwise.

I’m just tired. I have help links pinned but like, this is less to ask and more to vent. But also I’m scared that if the power goes out, we’re genuinely fucked. Like no phone, no transport, $20 in bank account, expired IDs, genuinely fucked. Sick to death of “you’re not trying hard enough” from people who see no results and don’t ask or care what work is happening.

If someone reaches out to you just to put you down, and then shames you for not asking for their help (which they won’t give), they’re a shitty person. Full stop. I’m tired of being beaten down and I’m tired of hearing how easy it is from the peanut gallery. I’m melting to death out here, don’t act shocked that I’m trapped inside during a heatwave. It’s over 105 outside. I’ve had heatstroke three times this summer.