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fategoflatass · 2 years ago

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me reading no.6 novel • part two

not me changing the format because i got tired of having to edit screenshots 🫣 anywayyyy

this baby contains spoilers for the second volume, so if you haven't read it then go do so wth

"If it was something I could get by without knowing," Shion interrupted, "I wouldn't want to know about it. But I do want to know. To me, this is something I need to know. I want to know, and that's why―ach―" He bit his tongue.

"Geez, does clumsiness come naturally to you too? I never get tired of looking at you. ―You alright?"

the way my dude literally bit his tongue out of desperation, you just know how in despair he is and honestly? it's funny and pretty cute ngl

"So?"

Nezumi knelt down, and peered into Shion's face. The light in his eyes, which had the sheen of finely-woven cloth, had subsided to a gentle glow.

"What do you want to know?"

"You―" Shion answered. "I want to know about you."

"Then I'll tell you something. Put your hand here." Shion did as he was told, and placed his hand on Nezumi's chest.

"What do you feel? [···] My heart was beating, and it was warm. Right? [···] I'm alive, and I'm right here in front of you. That's all you need to know. [···] What you want is information, [···] That's why you can't understand the living people that are standing right in front of you."

"You're big on sarcasm, and love to make fun of people. You don't like fish, and you're a restless sleeper. [···] You have an enormous amount of knowledge, and a wide range of it too― but none of it is systematic. Sometimes you're fickle and over-sensitive, but other times you're lazy and careless about the details. You adore piping-hot soup, and you get really grumpy when it doesn't have the right amount of salt. And last night, you kicked me three times in your sleep. [···] Since coming here, this is what I've learned about you. They're not numbers. I would never substitute you for numbers. That's not what I want to do."

my man's here trying to not get any of them attached to the other just in case, and the other there like "watch me not giving a fuck while i mention a list of all your quirks and aptitudes because i'm that into you".

"The more you know, the more emotionally attached you'll get. Then we can't be strangers anymore. And that'll be trouble for you. [···] When we become enemies, you won't be able to kill me." There was a hint of a laugh in his voice.

and its counterpart 👀

"Me, or No.6 ― which one do you choose? [···] You love No. 6, and I hate it. That's why― one day, we're going to be enemies."

It was a murmur. A murmur that stabbed at his heart.

"I have a feeling that we will," Nezumi said quietly.

A darkness hung over the statement, and its weighty reality sank deeper into Shion. It was Nezumi's honest answer.

the change from chapter one to chapter five is quite big. where he was rough and even laughed when saying it, he's now bitter about something he's already taking for granted. he does not want it to happen, but he knows it eventually will. or so he thinks. nez is a mess, he needs a hug.

"Shion." The door opened, and Nezumi's voice called him. A pair of work gloves were tossed his way.

"You'll crack a nail if you use your bare hands." The door closed before Shion could say thanks, and silence settled over the room again. This casual act of kindness, or those cold, dispassionate words from a few minutes ago― which one was he to believe?

i just like it when nez's duality is shown or touched upon. the way he can be cold, sharp, distant, and then become someone emphatic, sweet, warm— no wonder shion's confused, man. he has his shield on 24/7, so when it melts even just a little bit and shows nez's true self and feelings it's quite the experience. he grew to have many faces, but his "real one" is reserved exclusively for these moments aND I'M SO FUCKING DONE WITH THEM.

context: shion said he wants to keep on living in west block, nez doesn't believe him.

"It might be arrogant― but I'm not lying. Regardless of what kind of place is, I still want to continue living here."

"If you're not lying, and if you're not trying to impress me with a model answer, what lead you to make that decision?"

"I'm drawn to you. A lot. That's why I want to stay here. I want to see what you see, eat what you eat, and breathe the same air as you. I want to hold in these hands what I would never have been able to get in No. 6."

this shit is so fricking cute i might just fricking die! ✌️✨ this scene hits me every time, i just love the pining and everything that surrounds it. how shion is honest, direct, and is always up to shower nez with love and affection, and nez is more to himself, doesn't say it explicitly just yet, and decides to show him his feelings through actions rather than words. trust me, he would never be this patient with someone unless he felt things for them.

but then this shit is followed by

"Your language ability is worse than a chimpanzee."

and i wanna throw nez out of the window, you know what i mean? i know being a tease is part of his nature but it's not 👏 the right 👏 moment so shut the fuck up and listen.

"Don't use words like 'drawn to' so easily. It's a very weighty, important word. You're only supposed to use it for a special, irreplaceable person in your life."

"Then how am I supposed to say it? Do I say I love you?"

SAY IT BITCH, SAY IT.

"You're just fascinated by new and unusual things. [···] That's it. You're just excited about the exotic animal you've discovered. Can't you even tell the difference? [···] Let me tell you something, Shion: words aren't things that you can toss around casually. You can't let yourself be forced to say something, and just put up with it. But you don't know that. So that's why I'm not going to trust you."

at this rate, i don't even know if this is nez genuinely thinking that shion messed up and that he's not in love with him, or if he thinks he might be real about it, but he prefers pretending he doesn't think like that, kind of like gaslighting him(?), so again no one gets attached here. again, they are supposed to become enemies in a near future, and you cannot kill someone you fell for.

Nezumi's hand suddenly extended toward him. His palm touched Shion's cheek.

"Did that hurt?" he asked gently.

"Quite a bit."

"―I don't have any grudge against you. And I don't hate you, either."

"I know..." Shion answered quietly.

the way he knows he was kind of an asshole and is trying to make him feel better, get me out of here because i might cry.

and there's also this scene which i think is pretty cool

"We can dye your hair, if it'll make you feel better at all," Nezumi said. "Black, brown, green― whatever colour you wish. What do you wanna do?"

"I'll keep my hair like this. White hair isn't so bad. I figure it's better than being completely bald."

it's just shion accepting and embracing his new looks that makes me want to runaway and throw myself to a field filled with lillies.

we also have some cutsie scenes such as this one

Shion sat down in front of the heater. His white hair, leaning more on transparent, was tinged red with the colours of the flame. His youthful hair had lost its colour, but still retained its shine. It's beautiful, Nezumi thought.

Shion's head of hair glimmered as it reflected the light of the things around it, and Nezumi extended his fingertips to touch it. His hair felt slightly coarse, but ran through Nezumi's fingers easily. It felt like ordinary hair, no more, no less.

with nez might being a tad of a simp, but not as much as his fellow companion because holy shit shion simps hard.

we also have some convos like this one

"That face came into my dreams for quite a while after that day, you know."

"Did I look that great?"

"You were grinning. You had this look on your face like you were having the time of your life. Every time I dreamt about it I had nightmares."

i could read about these dudes being bros as they could be romantically involved and i wouldn't give a damn, they just have a lot of chemistry and i love them for that.

we later on get introduced to the king, the legend, inukashi. my dude, when he sees what kind of menace shion is, gets so confused bc how and why the hell is nez dealing with this bitch like ???

He ran a finger lightly over the map. It was a casual gesture, but one of understated elegance. It was a movement calculated and honed to perfection, fully aware of watching eyes.

"Sometimes your gestures are really captivating. I couldn't help but stare."

Inukashi looked up at them, his gaze alternating between Nezumi and Shion's face.

"Nezumi, this guy really is naturally oblivious. How do you put up with him?"

"I manage somehow."

inukashi will proceed to tease on nez due to him finding out he does hold feelings for the dude he "somehow manages" to deal with

they then proceed to go to this place karan indicated them on a note where they meet rikiga. long story short, he and nez start dissing each other. at one point, the older one aludes to nez possibly offering certain services in the past which makes shion furious and gets violent for the first time in his life. nez gets to control him, the other eventually calms down and starts crying.

"Shion― come on, don't cry. Why would you... ―I can't believe you're crying," Nezumi said exasperatedly.

"He insulted you. He said horrible things― lumped you in with the filthy officials of No. 6. But you say it's no big deal. You weren't even angry about it... and that made me feel even more helpless and angry― so angry... I don't even know what to do anymore..."

i just put this in here because i like it when it's shown how important they are to each other. that's pretty much it, let's move on.

at this point, we're already at chapter four. this one is focused on karan and, eventually, safu. i really like this one due to the fact that we get to see everything from different character's points of view, such as karan noticing her son longing for this mysterious person.

Nezumi. Hadn't Shion murmured that word more than once? While he was drinking cocoa; while he gazed at the trees swaying in the wind; while he looked up at the evening sky, he had murmured that word.

"It's someone's name, isn't it?" She had thought so because of the tender way her son said the word. Nostalgically, lovingly, at times strained― it even carried a tone of longing. [···] "Did you get your heart broken by that person?"

"No, it's not like that. You've got it all wrong."

It was then that Shion would become unusually agitated, blush crimson, and do things like drop his spoon.

or safu expressing her feelings for him

"You know, I always thought I was alone. I thought I had to carry this burden all by myself... but you were right there with me. You had a place in your heart for Shion too― thank you."

"I... I love him," Safu said, her voice trembling. "From the bottom of my heart, I've always, always, loved only him.

[···]

"Who's by his side right now?"

"Is it Nezumi, I wonder? That's the only person I can imagine."

"I wonder if he's a very important person to Shion?" Safu asked.

"I think so. Maybe even as much as you and I are to him."

[···]

"This has nothing to do with how Shion feels. [···] I'm doing this because I want to. I'm being selfish, I know. But I can't just sit and wait for Shion in this state. I want to see him so badly. [···] I can't be strong like you. I can't keep waiting out of faith. I don't want to regret anything. If― if by some chance, he ends up never coming back... I'm going to be the one to suffer for my whole life. I don't want that. I don't want to lose him."

[···]

He was a strange person. He'll probably leave, throwing away without a second thought everything we've clung onto, everything that we've been taught to prize most importantly.

Her premonition had just come true. There was nothing to be surprised about. But she wanted to know why. She wanted to know the meaning behind the eyes Shion made ever so often.

What are you looking at? Who are you looking for?

Don't let your eyes wander so far away. Look at me. I'm right in front of you.

[···]

But Shion for the most part, had not even been looking at Safu. His soul had been captured by something else. [···] For the first time, she had seen this calm and serene boy of few words being ruffled right before her eyes.

i personally feel so bad for safu. i've been in her same situation —liking someone who doesn't like you back, even being into someone else—, and i know just how horrendous it feels like. i get she's not the most fleshed out person when it comes to romance, but i don't think that's a bad thing. she's just inexperienced, just like shion is also a tad awkward with his words.

next chapter comes and a new argument arises between our fellow dudes. this time, is about shion wanting to go back to no.6 with a serum made out of his blood. again, nez is against it because he wants the city to just disappear and, if shion were to help them, they would become enemies.

Nezumi moved his fingers from Shion's shoulder to his throat. Through the leather of his gloves, Shion could feel the sensation of five fingers at his neck. They tightened their grip slowly.

"Aren't you gonna resist?"

"No. It wouldn't be any use. You'd agree,"

"Don't you care about your life? Or are you thinking that I'd never kill you?"

"Yeah."

this, of course, upsets nez since he would kill him when they become enemies no, you would never do it. stop lying.

they then proceed to discuss nez's past and why does he hate the city so much, past that remains unknown for the time being. then nez proceeds to have the "we will eventually become enemies" which i already shown. this time, he seems to be sad, upset about it. shion tries to convince him they don't need to choose between them or the city, that they can do both, to which nez laughs.

"You're looking for a way to avoid getting hurt. Say if you do get rid of the walls: you won't get any kind of heaven. It'll be hell. Tumult, disorder, fighting, looting― you don't know how much these people have been oppressed until now. You don't know how many people have been sacrificed so that city can be where it is. You don't know, and that's why you can spin fairy tales like that. Shion, it can't be done. It's not like mixing paint, you can't mingle them together and make them one. Either one will have to destroy the other, that's the only solution. That's what fate has set out. Love and hatred, friends and enemies, those within and those outside the wall― and you and I. They can never be as one, and neither can we."

"You don't know until you try. For one thing, I know I wouldn't become your enemy. Ever. No matter what happens, even if I'm killed, I would be on your side."

He believed that human souls, when faced with a dilemma, would ultimately choose peace over war, songs and scriptures over weapons, and love over hatred. It wasn't a fantasy. It was hope. I still haven't abandoned hope. I want to find a road that you can't see, and point it out for you.

"An idealistic armchair theorist like you should just sit here all day long. Ignore the world outside, and mull over this and that all inside your head. Don't talk to me anymore. Don't make me any angrier than this."

but well, they cannot be upset with each other for long. one of inukashi's dogs appear on scene and starts licking on shion's wound which i didn't get to talk about: it was made when nez was trying to prove a point by putting a knife up shion's throat and saying "i could kill you right now yk" and shion being like "no, you couldn't". just, you know, remembering the good old days.

"You're licking my wound for me? You're a nice boy."

"Dumbass, he only licked it because he smelled blood."

"I don't think so. He did it because he was concerned about me. But whatever the reason, he's certainly nicer than you," Shion said wryly.

"Don't compare me with a mutt," Nezumi said sullenly. He looked genuinely disgruntled. The way he stuck his lip out brought back a fleeting image of his face four years ago. It somehow made Shion want to laugh, and for some reason, made him feel nostalgic.

"What?" Nezumi said. "What're you grinning about?"

"Nothing," Shion said mildly. "Just noticing you've still got a childish part left in you. It made me kind of happy."

later in the day, one of nez's rats returns with karan's memo. this one notifies them of safu's being taken away by the security bureau. he reads this and asks himself if he should tell shion, or if he should keep it to himself, knowing that he would immediately go after her and possibly die.

But if Shion died, something within him would change greatly. He didn't want to see Shion die. He would probably suffer. Not Shion, but he― Nezumi― would suffer.

You've gotta be kidding me. I've had enough of this already.

He didn't want to lose him. He didn't want to experience the remorse of having been the one that lived.

I don't want to lose him? I would suffer?

He was clicking his tongue in frustration.

So this was what he had come to. He almost felt like curling up on the ground.

He had rescued Shion from the hands of the Security Bureau to return the debt that he owed him. That was it. He never wished to be attached to him.

He was used to loss, he was used to suffering. Wasn't he? Even if Shion did die, perhaps he wouldn't moan in agony over his gaping loss. Even if he did, perhaps it would only be for a short while.

He would go back to his normal life.

The room looked barren and dark, and larger than usual. Its coldness, darkness and vacant space seeped into his bones.

That was what being attached to someone meant. He would no longer be able to live alone anymore. It was one of many artfully-set traps that lurked at every corner of his life. And to this one, he had fallen victim.

Have I still got a chance? Shion, will I still be able to live without you? After some amount of suffering, would I be able to detach myself from the trap you've become?

Would I be able to sever you?

i think this is what hurt me the most in this volume. here is where there's no doubt about nez having feelings for him. to someone who's so used to being alone, to not getting attached to anyone and never trust, to watching people die... he can't do it, he just can't do it. shion has now become part of his daily life, and he hates himself for that. he allowed himself to be weak, to be vulnerable, and now he can't let the other go. he can't give him up that easily.

#mai.txt #long post #like really /really/ long #no. 6 #no. 6 spoilers #not me writing this entire thing more 2+ hours or so #or maybe 1½ which is less but it's still crazy af #istg if no one read this shit i'll cry

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