#no wonder nt social rules are so uncomfortable

[neurantics-theythem]

Allistic people: ✨☺️ eyes are the window to the soul ☺️✨

Also allistic people: wHy dO aUtiSTic pEoPLe hAte eYE cONtaCt sO mUcH?

Me:

[queercoded-antagonist]

Any other autistics have the experience of masking by default (even if not masking well enough to seem NT) around people until you’ve known them for a long time/well and the mask starts to drop bc you trust them enough to know the Real You but then they lose interest/drop you? It’s really fucked with my self esteem having befriended so many people that seemed to like me and realizing (sometimes after months/years) that they don’t like me when I’m not actively performing and pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m scared of getting close to anyone now. And a lot of people are like “just stop masking and be your authentic self!” which sounds ideal, but for a lot of autistic folks, especially multiply marginalized, masking can be a shield from being treated with immediate hostility/judgement, having your autonomy rejected, etc. I don’t like pretending to be someone I’m not and I want people to get to know the real me. But I also don’t have the mental strength to deal with the social (and other) consequences of unmasking. I feel caught in a lose/lose situation.

I wonder about how the people on the other side of this feel too. When I stop masking around someone, maybe to them it seems like *I’ve* lost interest or *I’m* being rude because of the difference in my speech and mannerisms. Or maybe they don’t like people who act “fake”, idk.

A lot of folks think they don’t have a problem with autistic people. But the moment their friend needs something “obvious” explained, is seen struggling to do “basic tasks” independently, gets too overstimulated to speak, otherwise appears/acts unpalatable- they feel resentment. A lot of this applies to physical chronic illness as well. I’ve had friends lose interest in me when I actually set boundaries and stop pushing myself to do things that will put me in pain. The message I get from that is “I liked you until I realized you were an inconvenience”. So many people, including some NDs, only support autistic people when we are palatable enough. They like autistic people as long as the autism is something they can write off as a personality quirk and not something they have to acknowledge as a developmental disability. Even without the words “high and low functioning”, a lot of people (probably unconsciously) still view autistics in a dichotomy due to their level of support needs. Palatable vs unpalatable. Independent vs burdensome. Eccentric vs off putting. Worthwhile vs worthless. A lot of people, esp but not limited to NTs, seem to struggle with understanding that autism isn’t a dichotomy, that it’s more complex than “high and low functioning”. When they meet an autistic person who exists in the grey area, they mentally categorize us as one or the other. Lots of autistics have been told things like “if you’re capable enough to speak, why can’t you drive?” or “if you struggle so much that you can’t live alone, why expect to be treated like a real adult?” Many cannot conceive of autistics existing outside of this dichotomy. Autism isn’t a spectrum from capable to incapable, autism is a spectrum of many traits. An autistic can be capable of speaking eloquently while being far from able to understand unspoken social rules. An autistic can be a tech genius and struggle with disabling sensory issues. I am *incapable* of masking for more than a few hours at a time before shutting down, and even in the most ideal situations my masking skills aren’t good. So I’m caught in a situation where sometimes I can hide my disability at first but I quickly become unable to hide it. I feel like when people who don’t know me well learn I’m autistic, they’re fine with it at surface level because they think I’m “not that kind of autistic”. But then they find out I am in fact the unpalatable kind of autistic. And they get uncomfortable. Even a lot of well intended (including ND) folks seem to feel the need to neatly fit me into one category. I’m either infantilized, or held to expectations that I am too disabled to meet.

It’s all “I hate fake people” and “just be yourself!!” until the person in question is autistic. If I stopped being “fake”, everyone would think I was rude- even though I try my best to be considerate and thoughtful of others, I do so autistically, so it’s seen as incorrect. It’s very important for allistics to understand that an autistic person who loves being around you is not going to express it in the same way that an allistic person would. We tend to express our emotions differently. It doesn’t mean we don’t like you. And it hurts more than I know how to express when someone you thought liked you only wants to be your friend if you’re performing, and stops seeing your value as soon as you start expressing yourself authentically.

[ladylee13]

All right, y'all, I've had enough with shitty society. I say we start a cult called "Actual Inclusivity."

Instead of the center of the cult's teachings being some manipulative bullshit, it's literally just love, acceptance, and respect.

We buy some land and start a communal living situation but instead of the money going up to whoever is on top and making them rich, all the money goes toward upkeep and improvement for the whole community. The finances are transparent and available for anyone to see and anyone shown to be corrupt or messing with the money gets kicked out.

We keep a farm to feed everyone. We have high speed wi-fi and some apartments (maybe with communal kitchens, maybe with private ones, idk logistics aren't my strong suit but I wouldn't be the only one running this, so we'd work out the kinks)

Everyone gets to do what they enjoy. Artists make art (and they could do commissions and freelance work and stuff like that to help raise money for the community in addition to art for art's sake), scientists can do their science thing, people who enjoy gardening can tend the farm. Tech people can do tech stuff (idk, I don't do much stem stuff, but we wouldn't be amish, so there'd be upkeep for tech stuff needed, so y'know). Whatever else. Autistic people can spend loads of time focused on their special interests. Non-verbals are not expected to talk. Depressed people or people with anxiety are not expected to work on days when getting out of bed is too difficult. Anyone having a panic attack or PTSD episode while working immediately gets to put down their work, walk away, and come back when they are again capable of giving their work their attention, be that in an hour or not until the next morning. Everyone uses whatever pronouns they prefer, and everyone else uses the appropriate pronouns when addressing or referring to them. If swearing makes someone uncomfortable, people will be expected to respect that and filter their language around them. Everyone gets to love whoever they want with zero societal repercussions. If two people want to get married, they get to. If two people want to live together without getting married, no prob (living together pre-marriage is against my religious beliefs, so I wouldn't do so, but that doesn't mean no one is allowed to. Live according to your own beliefs as long as they don't hurt anyone else. The goal here isn't to make everyone believe same thing or act the same way. It's to respect each other, and hopefully foster more understanding for others and lower discrimination and hate). In that vein, polygamy makes me feel weird, (admittedly, I don't really understand it,) but if some people in a polygamous marriage wanted to join us and were willing to follow the rules, great! Hop in! Let's even have a talk about it. You can help me be more understanding. No one is allowed to force their beliefs into anyone else and if someone feels pressured by someone else, all they have to do is say so and the other person will stop. I've had enlightening and wonderful conversations about religion with people of other religions/also atheists (once even with a drunk atheists and that was great). And all those conversations were great because in no way did they expect me to change my beliefs and vice versa. There was just a sharing of perspectives. And afterward, I felt like I understood them better and they understood me better. And that's what I'm aiming for here.

We can have a few sensory deprivation tanks and weighted blankets available for people with anxiety/PTSD. We can have tons of fidget toys for anyone who needs them to help them focus. We can have anything people need to function their best (I don't know much about what people with neurological disorders that I don't also have need, but whatever they need we'd have). Everything written is also written in braile. There's elevators and ramps in every building. Guide dogs and ESAs are accepted anywhere except in the space of people with animal allergies (Like, the communal areas are regularly cleaned to prevent hair causing allergic reactions and such and there are signs designating pet-free zones). We could maybe have like an animal shelter in a nearby town that anyone can come into to help with and spend time with animals. There would be a prayer room for quiet meditation (with whatever anyone needs for their best prayer environment, like I know Muslims pray toward Mecca and I don't know if there's any ornamentations or anything that they would prefer to have, but if so, it would be there). There'd be a gym to give people access to exercise equipment. There'd be a big old clock tower with bells to indicate prayer times for anyone who needs them. There would be a church building for use by any religious denomination. There'd be regular community activities to give people the chance to have leisurely social interaction and also sometimes exercise in small or large groups, but no one is expected to take part. Everyone with any form of neurodiversity or from any minority group gets to be treated fairly and have their needs accommodated.

No proving you have a disability like you have to to get accommodations from colleges. No one telling you it's all in your head or it's not natural or you should try harder or you just haven't met the right person yet or treating you as being under them for your gender or skin color or anything else you have no control over. Just actual acceptance on every front.

Basically, you'd pretty much be able to live your best life under the principle I learned as a kid: "your agency ends where the next person begins." As long as your actions do not harm anyone, you are free to do as you like.

The rules for living here? Everyone will be expected to contribute however they can (no punching a time clock, but contribute to the best of your ability). There will be no discrimination or hatred toward others. That's pretty much it. It's not that complicated. You will be expected to respect others and they will be expected to respect you. Any crime of any kind would be punished (and I mean things like theft, which I expect would be far less likely to happen given that everyone would have their basic needs fulfilled, and not like things like drug addiction because criminalizing addicts doesn't really prevent people getting addicted and just makes the problem worse.)

I figure the system would be run by committee. Any issues would be put to a vote, and given the size of the group, everyone would get a vote and everyone's vote counts. There would be no one person in charge of the community. Not me, not anyone. Everyone is equally in charge. Issues of things like accusations of discrimination would be handled by a court type situation where a mediator is chosen and both people get to explain what happened (in case of false accusations, which hopefully wouldn't happen, but y'know), and if the problem is based on a misunderstanding or an unchecked or unevaluated privilege, maybe the discussion alone could help the two people work it out, and if not, they get a big meeting with everyone there, and they get a chance to give their side to the group and the group votes on whether or not the accusation is solid and if the accused person will be punished (idk 100% how the punishment would work, but I figure depending on the severity it could be like a first offense would get community service and some kind of lesson in bridging cultural differences or something and a second offense would get something harsher and a third offense would be getting booted from the community. And then something like rape would get an immediate boot.).

Straight/white/cis/NT/any other non-minority people would also be accepted and welcomed so long as they treat everyone there with respect.

And anyone who says or does something homophobic or misogynistic or racist or ableist or anything else along those lines gets first a gentle warning and a chance to re-evaluate their prejudice and if they refuse to check themselves they get kicked out with whatever money they came in with.

I know that no matter what system is in use, there will always be someone ready and willing to find holes and take advantage. So we'd run on a spirit-of-the-law system instead of a letter-of-the-law system, and with everyone getting a say and everyone basing their decisions on that foundation of respect, it would be easier to enforce.

And sure, maybe this is just a fantasy-land-pipe-dream, but come on. How cool would it be? No more forcing our triangle or star or pentagon or splatter-shaped peg asses into circular holes? I don't believe in humanity at large to implement large-scale actual acceptance, but a little mini-society? That seems a little less impossible, right?

This is all spitballing, but the more I think about it, the more I love it. Feel free to add on.

[eyeciclez]

Have you ever experienced uncomfortable autism-related situations at work? I remember I worked in retail once and I really enjoyed the menial work, I always arrived on time / early and left on time / late, and I was genuinely happy to help customers. However, an NT person I worked with complained about my attitude with coworkers when I'm just an autistic person who has low emotional expression and doesn't do social customs I haven't been told about :/ Wondered if others went thru this kinda.

The only job I had that involved working with people directly, was one I did for just a few days, fortunately (it was a festival). I’d say it was quite awkward, but the people there didn’t have a real chance to get to know me. I never found out what they thought of me, but I’m guessing I made a strange impression, like always.

But I know several other autistic people who made basically the exact same experience you did. It’s one of the many reasons I wish we could get rid of most social rules. So many of them are either completely pointless or outright harmful for certain groups of people

[bat-to-da-robs]

Heyo [name redacted]. I've composed a very long expose (I use the word ironically, of course 🤣) on The Trans Stuff(tm). Just to give you some background, if you want it. If this is how things are done (they don't really cover coming out in the NT social skills books, unfortunately for me. I've been floundering for the past 18 yrs).

If whatever I end up writing is too long for any feasible attention span, I respect that 🙂.

1) I grew up in a Christian household. There are a lot of things my parents are uncomfortable with when it comes to me. The autism is one of them. I came out as gay at 12, because I didn't know what being trans was. They weren't comfortable with that. They weren't comfortable with the trans bit either when that came to light when I was ~14.

I don't blame them for it, but I do carry a hell of a lot of shame around it that I might not have in different circumstances. It's one of the reasons I really struggle to come out. Even though I know your political beliefs, and was basically 100% sure you'd be chill, I still worry irrationally, you know?

2) did you know, that you're significantly more likely to be trans if you're autistic, and vice versa? I'll send you through a link to a study on that in the next text, if you're interested.

My dad was very happy when he found this out, because to him, it meant that my transness wasn't real. It was just my autism tricking me, and I was too mentally disabled to notice.

That was a tough one to work through.

Every person has masks, right? We all put on different personalities for different circumstances. Some people are just more aware of this than others.

You're autistic, I'm sure you'll get it. At least for me, the idea of being 'fully' myself, or even marginally relaxed in a social situation is laughable.

I hurt people when I was a kid, yknow? I was a know it all. I was selfish/self-absorbed. I was cruel. All without my intention!! I didn't know I was autistic! I didn't know that I was breaking social rules and upsetting people left right and center. But I was. And as such, (as overly dramatic as this sounds outside of my head, omg), I have to mask socially. Both for people to take me seriously, and to insure that I don't hurt/belittle/disregard others.

But I value this nebulous concept of 'the truth.' (I know this is an autistic trait, but sometimes I get tired of patholagising every aspect of my personality). But I'm autistic and I'm queer. And, at least in my black and white mind, that leaves me feeling like I'm 'lying' every time I mask. So I feel guilty (to differing extents) every time I interact with people.

Because I have an 'autistic' mask that I wear when I'm with my autistic friends. And, in my opinion, it's way less effort to perform that mask than some of my others. But maybe 70% of the time I'm actually performing my NT (or more NT anyway) role.

And then I'm like. Am I lying to the people I 'NT it up' for, cuz that one feels less authentic? Or am I lying to you, because that's a mask I wear less often?

And then you add the trans bit into the mix and I feel like I'm stuck always lying. And always making people uncomfortable. And always being too much.

There are a lot of people who are proud of their queer identities. I am. Ish. I like the fact that it's made me way more empathetic. It dragged me kicking and screaming out of a really intense brand of Christianity. It's introduced me to the beautiful and fascinating complexity of the human condition.

If I could change it? I'd think about it, pretty heavily, but at the end of the day, I would change it. If I could be cis/straight? In fact, even if I could possibly be allistic?

I'd do it.

God, it would make life so much easier for my family. I break their hearts like this. And that, in turn, breaks mine.

4) I'm autistic. I know first hand that autistics can have incredibly rich internal lives, can be philosophical. (Not to be overly self-aggrandizing but) Can be very intelligent.

I'm educated about autism. About what it means. About how it doesn't make me lesser, even though I may look more 'stupid' on my bad days.

And even I struggle to believe myself with these two really confronting conditions (autism and transness). I often fall into the trap of thinking I'm just stupid, or attention seeking, or fooling myself cuz I have nothing better to do.

If I, a person who is deeply educated on this topic/this intersection, often can't stomach it, what hope do random strangers have?

I've seen people react so badly to me in the past, over and over and over again. Just decide I'm too much. For them. For their kids. And they go from liking me to ghosting me.

I'm no social expert, but I'm intimately acquainted with what disgust looks like on a person's face.

Or not even disgust. Just. That they know better than me. They know I'm just confused. They know I'm just young, looking for attention.

They know I'm making a grave mistake.

I hate when I can look at one of my friends' lives, and think I can see very clearly what's wrong, but I can't tell them, because they won't listen to me.

I hate that other people feel the same way about me.

I hate the certainty I get, clawing in my gut (oof, gotta love cliches), that they're right, and I'm too stupid to actually know anything about myself.

5) I don't want to be trans. I really don't. I try so hard to be a non-confrontational person. And I've landed on what feels like one of the more contentious issues in our current times. Everyone seems to have an 'opinion' on trans people. I dunno why I put that in scare quotes. It seemed appropriate.

Life's confusing enough. And people look down on autistics and on trans people. I swear, I'd be alright with one of them. Two's too much.

6) I don't have the money to transition. I don't have the time to transition. I don't have the family approval required to transition. I don't have the self-acceptance required to transition.

I don't have the stamina to keep living in this horrible fucking shell long term. I don't have the stamina to stay in limbo, feeling like I'm perpetually waiting for my life to start, stuck in a never ending preliminary.

I'm terrified of transitioning. The idea of staying as I am terrifies me too.

I'm on antidepressants. I wonder if one day, they won't be enough to keep this all at bay.

---

Boom. Some ramblings.

So this is all the stuff that came up, when you saw my name on my door.

I'm not very good at being trans. I don't have a prepared answer to what name/ pronouns you should use with which people. I don't know how to come out. I don't know how to ask for support. I don't even know what support I want.

I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I'm lonely, and I get really fucking bored of my stupid fucking masks, but I have no idea what's underneath.

This got way more emo than I expected. Daaamn. Thought I outgrew the eyeliner and the 'you don't understand me mom!!' vibes.

I thought I'd gotten over the 'I don't know who I am and I feel like I'm constantly tricking everyone including myself' shtick years ago.

Ah well. What would early adulthood be without a little identity related angst?

And I'm actually done rambling now. Thanks for sitting through it.