#no way in hell im financially capable to handle a child i cant even move out

[ohmygraves]

my hormones got really wacky and i cried looking at a tiktok of ghost with a baby

just him sleeping with the baby on top of him and auuu,,, cries,,,

[steveandbucky]

why do your homework when u can write essays on tumblr dot com

it's so FUCKED UP i spent years and years thinking that my parents fucked me up because like, i cannot function like a normal person, because i went to uni for a psych degree, got a 2:1, and an anxiety disorder lmao and just thinking back about all the horrible things and identifying the abuse for what it was? abuse. and u just.. u think ur the only person walking around with trauma but ur not. not even to minimise anyones suffering but i think there's a lot of people whose parents fucked them up? even in minor ways? for me it was realising that the damage is not.. irrepairable. like i say a lot of the time. i am fucked up. damaged beyond repair. but thats not even true because i'm doing SO. MUCH. BETTER. even right now my relationship with my parents has never been better as it is today!!!! what!!! they're still insufferable and i cannot live with them and i will fight with them but like.. ok and. that just happens lmao. it means i care. if i stop fighting it means i dont care anymore.

AND THEN after all this to come to the realisation that like, ok i have anxiety, and i had undiagnosed adhd as a child and since neither me nor my parents nor teachers nor ANYONE in our immediate circle had ever even HEARD of adhd, it just went unnoticed, it was Difficult Child Syndrome and it made things so so bad BUT. I TURNED OUT PRETTY GREAT LMAO. i dont even care if the road that brought me here was hell.. i think through hardships i did learn kindness? like i want to break the cycle. i want to be nice to my sister. i want to forgive and move on WHICH IS SUPER HARD and nothing i could have done willingly. it just happened one day. i let go. i wasn't angry anymore. but! they did a great job raising me! for real! at least i'm not an asshole (not a big one anyway, asshole with a small a) at least i'm not completely self absorbed? at least im not obsessed with shit like looks, fame, money? at least i have like, at least SOME common sense (the rest of it i lost in the war <3)? at least i know how to take care of myself and cook for myself and can do a decent job cleaning my house lmao i mean. at least i understand what respect looks like, when given and received. no offense but my parents raised me to be a capable adult who can handle her own shit idk what they did right but kudos hey. and i'm not even trying to brag here, i am a very flawed person i know that! and i can even say that i LIKE that i can acknowledge that and work on myself, instead of being confronted about my behaviour and replying with, "i am okay with myself" lmao

but! i think i'm pretty okay and i do owe it to my parents. despite all their flaws and mistakes and what they did to me when i was just a kid, at least they have some solid...morals? life philosophy? now that money is not much of an issue, they're honestly just. better. and i think a LOT of the anger and lashing out and all that was just because poverty anxiety does that to a person (and like, the rest of it was, ykno, cycle of abuse, bc abused people abuse people, and generational trauma dating back to the 1800's, probably) like. idk i look at our relatives and social circle and cant imagine having anyone else as my parents.. the bar is fucking low but they are the best. and they have been supportive of me and continue being supportive, it doesnt matter if they have a different idea of me in their head, and they dont know a lot of shit about me that they'd disapprove of lmao. at least they'll never leave me stranded?? at least i can rely on them? like there's things they can't help me with but they'll help in the ways they can.

like i wanted a fair resolution for the deposit return since my ex flatmate was pushing to keep the full amount of her half and i kept telling her that's not fucking fair but like. i think after talking to my mum i realised it doesnt matter. she made some really good points and she's right im not going to stoop to her level. bc in reality i dont care about money. if i put things in plain numbers, im struggling a lot more with my financials, and i dont have her salary or job security or even her parents 6-figure salaries to fall back on. but im not the one who basically threw away a friendship of 11+ yrs for like. £1038 lmao i mean yeah that's a lot of money but at the end of the day its fucking money. looking back, everything basically comes down to the money, the way she acted once we gave our notice. kinda pathetic actually. never expected her to be this greedy, immature person. but i guess i can't expect much more from someone who can't handle doing anything on her own. and when i talked to my mum and she put things in this perspective and i realised that's what it was, and it was never going to work out, because this is me trying to be fair and resolve things peacefully, putting in the effort, and just being met with aggression and pettiness and snakiness. but yeah. at least my parents raised me right