#no translation bc I don't have the time to do that alone rn

[palioom]

Daniel Brühl for GQ Germany Men of the Year 2022

Full interview below the cut (in German)

Herr Brühl, in Ihrem neuen Film „Im Westen nichts Neues“ spielen Sie den deutschen Diplomaten Matthias Erzberger, der versucht, die Friedensverhandlungen im Ersten Weltkrieg voranzutreiben. Sie sagen im Film: „Seien Sie gerecht zu Ihrem Feind, sonst wird er Ihren Frieden hassen.“ Was macht Ihrer Meinung nach einen erfolgreichen Frieden aus? Dass beide Seiten aufeinander zugehen und in den Dialog treten. Auch wenn das heute immer schwieriger wird, müssen wir im Kleinen wie im Großen miteinander sprechen, zuhören und versuchen, uns gegenseitig besser zu verstehen. Erzberger war eine sehr wichtige Figur in der Geschichte und Politik Deutschlands, über die zumindest ich in meiner Schulzeit viel zu wenig gelernt habe. Ich finde es bewundernswert, wie er trotz all der Anfeindungen, die ihn erreicht haben, nie nachgegeben hat und bis zum Schluss großen Mut bewies. Solche Persönlichkeiten brauchen wir heute. Wir sehen ja gerade mit Erschrecken, wie uns die Thematik des Films eingeholt hat. Als wir drehten, hat keiner von uns im Entferntesten damit gerechnet, dass sich ein Krieg mitten in Europa einstellen würde. Umso wichtiger ist es, den Appell gegen den Krieg, den die Geschichte von Erich Maria Remarque vermittelt, noch einmal hervorzuheben.

Man hat den Eindruck, dass Propaganda früher wie heute funktioniert … Ja. Es ist schockierend zu sehen, dass wir in der Welt eigentlich keinen Schritt weitergekommen sind. Früher war es einfach, in die Köpfe der jungen Menschen einzudringen. Die meisten Leute sind nie aus ihrem Land rausgekommen. Man konnte Feindbilder schüren, Propaganda machen und manipulieren. Heute, in einer vernetzten und globalisierten Welt, ist das, so würde man zumindest meinen, nicht mehr ganz so einfach möglich. Theoretisch. Praktisch funktioniert das dann leider doch noch recht gut. Neue Angriffsflächen werden gesucht, Mauern werden hochgezogen, und es herrscht Krieg. Das ist sehr ernüchternd.

Wovor haben Sie mit Blick auf die Gesellschaft aktuell am meisten Angst? Vor dem Auseinanderleben. In Zeiten, in denen globale Krisen herrschen, ist es eine bittere Erkenntnis, dass man sich mehr und mehr isoliert und wieder klein denkt. Wissend, dass man diese großen Krisen eigentlich nur gemeinschaftlich bewältigen kann. Da liegt wieder der Instinkt des Menschen zugrunde, sich erst mal abzukapseln und die Schuld beim anderen zu suchen. Das ist der perfekte Nährboden für Populisten und Nationalisten, um ihr Gift zu versprühen. Es sind keine leichten Zeiten. Ich habe aber allein schon durch meine Rolle als Vater die Verpflichtung, die Hoffnung nicht zu verlieren und nicht in Depression und Bitterkeit zu verfallen. Ja, wir befinden uns gerade in einer Talsohle, aber es kommen auch wieder bessere Zeiten. Daran muss und will ich glauben.

Wie bleiben Sie in solchen Zeiten hoffnungsvoll? Indem ich mich an den kleinen Dingen erfreue. Wir verbringen als Familie gerade viel Zeit in Spanien und lernen dort neue Menschen kennen. Ich liebe es, neue Einblicke in unterschiedliche Kulturen zu bekommen und mich mit den Leuten über ihre Ansichten, Ängste und Wünsche auszutauschen. Das verbindet und gibt Kraft. Es hilft einfach, über den Tellerrand zu schauen.

Spielt es sich mit dem Gedanken an all die Krisen als Schauspieler aktuell schwerer? Ja. Aber es hilft gleichzeitig auch, damit umzugehen. Bei „Im Westen nichts Neues“ hat es mich motiviert, an etwas zu arbeiten, an dessen Botschaft man glaubt und dessen Quintessenz für die Gesellschaft auch aktuell von großer Bedeutung ist. Und natürlich ist es am Ende des Tages nur ein ganz kleiner Beitrag, ein Film, die Arbeit eines Schauspielers, aber trotzdem ist es richtig und wichtig, seine Stimme zu nutzen, um solche Geschichten zu erzählen.

Spielt es sich mit dem Gedanken an all die Krisen als Schauspieler aktuell schwerer? Ja. Aber es hilft gleichzeitig auch, damit umzugehen. Bei „Im Westen nichts Neues“ hat es mich motiviert, an etwas zu arbeiten, an dessen Botschaft man glaubt und dessen Quintessenz für die Gesellschaft auch aktuell von großer Bedeutung ist. Und natürlich ist es am Ende des Tages nur ein ganz kleiner Beitrag, ein Film, die Arbeit eines Schauspielers, aber trotzdem ist es richtig und wichtig, seine Stimme zu nutzen, um solche Geschichten zu erzählen.

Muss der Film in solchen Zeiten auch pädagogisches Mittel werden? Oder ist das der Anfang vom Ende der Kunst? Er darf es. Ich würde mir sehr wünschen, dass „Im Westen nichts Neues“ als Unterrichtsstoff an die Schulen kommt. Wir müssen den jungen Menschen klar machen, dass Krieg nicht cool ist. Er ist kein spannendes Abenteuer und hat auch nichts Glorreiches an sich. Und diese Botschaft wird im Film sehr deutlich.

Sehen Sie sich als Schauspieler eher als Dienstleister oder als Künstler? Beides. Ich versuche seit Beginn meiner Karriere, mein Spektrum nicht einzuschränken und für alle Genres offen zu bleiben. Einige Geschichten gehen tiefer und sind im künstlerischen Sinne anspruchsvoller, andere sind leichter und erreichen mehr Menschen. Solange die Kernbotschaft dahinter stimmt, mache ich beides gern und mit Leidenschaft.

Sie waren bei „Im Westen nichts Neues“ nicht nur als Schauspieler, sondern auch als Co-Produzent tätig. Inwiefern hat das Ihre Arbeit verändert? Der Film bedeutet mir dadurch noch mehr. „Im Westen nichts Neues“ war mit Abstand unser größtes und ambitioniertestes Projekt bei Amusement Park Film. Ich bin dieser Firma vor ein paar Jahren beigetreten, um meinen Einfluss zu erweitern und meine Liebe zum Film noch mal anders auszuleben. Als Regisseur oder Produzent hat man natürlich ganz andere Möglichkeiten, Dinge nach vorne zu treiben und Stoffe umzusetzen, die einem wichtig sind.

Wie gehen Sie damit um, als Schauspieler permanent von der Gunst anderer abhängig zu sein? Es ist nicht einfach. Dieser Beruf ist immer unvorhersehbar, und man weiß nie, ob man eine interessante Rolle angeboten bekommt oder nicht. Und wenn man sie dann bekommt, kann man sich je nach Team, Regisseur und Produzent mehr oder weniger einbringen. Das ist nicht immer leicht, gerade wenn der Film dann doch in eine andere Richtung geht, als man es sich selbst gewünscht hätte.

Deshalb auch das Regiedebüt mit „Nebenan“ im letzten Jahr? Genau. Es ist auch mal schön, der Kapitän zu sein, der am Steuer sitzt und für die gesamte Reise die Verantwortung übernimmt.

Sie sagten in einem Interview: „Gute Bücher sind rar.“ Wird es in unserer gesättigten Film- und Serienwelt immer schwieriger, gute Geschichten zu schaffen? Das Problem ist, dass schon so viele gute Geschichten erzählt wurden. Man läuft Gefahr, sich zu wiederholen. Einen neuen Ansatz zu finden, ist heute schwierig. Bedient man eine Formel, so muss man in ihr trotzdem überraschen. Und wenn es gelingt, sich ganz von diesem Korsett zu befreien, dann wird die Herausforderung umso spannender. Deshalb freue ich mich immer, wenn ein besonderes Buch auf dem Schreibtisch landet.

Wie gehen Sie als Schauspieler damit um, dass Filme und Serien immer mehr zur Nebenbeschäftigung werden? Es ist schade zu wissen, wie abgelenkt die Menschen sind, wie selten sie ins Kino gehen und wie wenig Zeit sie in den Filmgenuss investieren. Aus diesem Grund müssen wir noch genauer überlegen, was wir wie erzählen.

Man hat das Gefühl, es herrscht ein ständiger Kampf um die Zeit der Zuschauer … Man muss das als Schauspieler ausblenden. Das wäre ja der Horror, wenn man bei der Arbeit daran denken müsste, in den ersten Minuten ein riesiges Feuerwerk zünden zu müssen oder ganz viel und schnell zu quasseln, um den Zuschauer bei der Stange zu halten. (lacht) Stattdessen muss man an die Stärke des Stoffs glauben und sein Bestes geben, damit dieser auch aufgeht. Bei „Im Westen nichts Neues“, der ja als episches Kinoerlebnis angelegt wurde, setzen wir auch auf ein Tempo, das nicht den heutigen Sehgewohnheiten entspricht. Wir lassen Momente ohne schnelle Schnitte wirken. Wenn eine Geschichte Kraft hat, muss man daran festhalten und auf diese Kraft setzen. Und den Mut auf bringen, sie in der Ruhe zu erzählen, der es bedarf.

Ertappen Sie sich auch manchmal privat dabei, Serien und Filmen nicht mehr die Aufmerksamkeit zu schenken wie früher? Nein. Wenn ich etwas anschaue, dann schaue ich es richtig an. Ich habe es auch noch nie ertragen, nach Filmbeginn ins Kino zu kommen. Aber natürlich hat man immer weniger Zeit dafür, Filme in Ruhe zu genießen. Gerade bin ich Teil einer Online-Jury und genieße es sehr, die Filme von vorne bis hinten an zuschauen und mich mit den Geschichten tiefer auseinander zusetzen.

Sie sind seit knapp 30 Jahren im Business. Wie schafft man es, seine Leidenschaft für den Beruf zu erhalten? Ich habe es immer als Privileg empfunden, mit dem, was mich erfüllt, meinen Lebensunterhalt zu verdienen. Ich bin jetzt 44 und habe mit 15 meinen ersten Film gedreht. Dass ich überhaupt noch dabei bin und spielen darf, ist ein großes Glück.

Gibt es Produktionen, die Sie eher fürs Herz, die Reputation oder den Geldbeutel annehmen? Auf jeden Fall. Rein fürs Geld mache ich nichts, das kann ich nicht mit mir vereinbaren. Ich habe in der Vergangenheit schon ein paar Projekte abgesagt, bei denen die Gage ordentlich gewesen wäre. Wenn man dann Nein sagt und auflegt, muss man erst mal kurz durchatmen, danach aber habe ich nie wieder an diese Projekte gedacht. Auf der anderen Seite gab es künstlerisch inspirierende Angebote, bei denen man vielleicht bereut hat, nicht dabei gewesen zu sein. Oder andersherum: dass man nach einer Zusage während der Dreharbeiten merkt, dass die Vision des Regisseurs oder der Produzenten nicht mit der eigenen übereinstimmt. Aber genau diese Unvorhersehbarkeit macht den Beruf auch so spannend. Die Rollenauswahl ist wie ein Roulette- oder Lottospiel.

Und wann hat man das richtige Los gezogen? Ich persönlich achte sehr auf das Endergebnis, also den Film an sich. Mir ist das Resultat einfach wichtig. Wenn der Film gut geworden ist, erinnere ich mich später im Leben auch gerne an die Drehzeit zurück. Ich werde heute noch auf „Good Bye, Lenin!“, „Die fetten Jahre sind vorbei“, „Inglourious Basterds“ oder „Rush“ angesprochen, und diese Projekte liegen teilweise wirklich schon lange zurück. Trotzdem bin ich nach wie vor unglaublich stolz darauf, und darüber zu sprechen, macht mich sehr glücklich.

Welche Rolle spielt Geld in Ihrem Leben? Na ja, ich bin froh, dass ich welches habe. Es ist natürlich immer leicht gesagt, dass es nicht nur aufs Geld an kommt. Aber es ist zum Glück nicht meine größte Motivation. So bin ich nicht erzogen worden, und das ändert sich auch nicht mehr. Die Gier nach mehr hat mich noch nie angetrieben. Und trotzdem weiß ich natürlich, dass ich wahnsinniges Glück hatte.

Die Schauspielbranche ist aktuell gesättigt. Wie schafft man es, Regisseure und Produzenten für sich zu begeistern? Eine Fähigkeit, die häufig unterschätzt wird, ist, Nein sagen zu können. Auch wenn es gerade läuft, darf man nicht zu viel machen. Man muss immer spannend bleiben. Und das ist heutzutage gerade durch die sozialen Medien gar nicht so einfach. Ich habe mich vor einigen Jahren überreden lassen, Instagram zu nutzen. Ich habe verstanden, dass man die Leute über andere Kanäle erreichen muss, man muss etwas von sich preisgeben. Aber auch nicht zu viel, sonst geht das Geheimnis um die eigene Person flöten.

Ist das auch Ihr Tipp an jüngere Kollegen, die mit Social Media aufgewachsen sind? Nicht zu viel von sich preiszugeben? Ich wollte Schauspieler werden, weil ich Geschichten erzählen will. Ich will die Menschen damit erreichen, sie neugierig machen, zum Nachdenken anregen, berühren oder abstoßen. Der Beruf des Schauspielers wird nach wie vor häufig aus den falschen Beweggründen gewählt. Wegen des Glamours oder des Ruhms. Wenn das der Grund ist, sollte man es lassen. Es gibt heutzutage ja viele andere Wege, um auf dem roten Teppich zu stehen.

Man sollte es lassen, weil es dem Beruf nicht gerecht wird? Weil so viel mehr dazugehört. Als Schauspieler muss man dickhäutig sein. Man wird permanent beurteilt und lebt in ständiger Unsicherheit, weil man nie weiß, was da noch kommen wird, man lebt in einer Abhängigkeit. Das ist nicht ohne, dafür muss man gewappnet sein. Man muss als Schauspieler dazu in der Lage sein, bei den äußeren Stimmen den Pegel runterzudrehen, um sich selbst noch zu hören. Man braucht definitiv ein dickes Fell, das ist ein psychisch anstrengender Job, darüber muss man sich im Klaren sein.

Für viele ist Schauspiel mit Nacktheit verbunden und mit der Bereitschaft, eigene Wahrheiten und Gefühle preiszugeben. Ist das Spielen vor der Kamera auch immer eine Art Therapie? Viele Kollegen beschreiben es so. Natürlich muss man bereit sein, emotional aufzumachen, und sich immer wieder an sein Innerstes rantasten. Bei diesem ganzen Umgang mit sich selbst und der Aufmerksamkeit, die man als Schauspieler genießt, muss man allerdings auch aufpassen, offen zu bleiben, neugierig zu sein und zu - zuhören. Schauspieler, die nur von sich erzählen, sind sehr anstrengend. (lacht)

Gibt es Rollen, von denen man eine Art Entzugsphase braucht oder bei denen man Angst hat, dass sie einen nachhaltig verändern? Natürlich beschäftigen mich intensivere Rollen auch häufig noch nach der Drehzeit, hallen nach, färben ab. Im besten Fall hat man etwas fürs Leben mitgenommen und schaut anders auf bestimmte Dinge. Man taucht in so viele Gefühlswelten und Lebensrealitäten ein, mit denen man sonst nie in Berührung gekommen wäre. Das ist ja das Aufregendste an meinem Beruf.

Sie sind zweisprachig aufgewachsen und sprechen vier Sprachen fließend. Ein Pluspunkt beim Schauspiel? Ich bin meinen Eltern heute noch sehr dankbar, dass sie mir die Chance boten, mit verschiedenen Kulturen und Sprachen in Berührung zu kommen. Das ist eine totale Bereicherung, die den Kopf und die Augen öffnet. Jede Sprache hat ihre individuelle Stärke. Und es gibt immer Emotionen, die man in der einen Sprache besser ausdrücken kann als in der anderen.

Inwiefern hilft Ihnen dieses Sprachgefühl am Set? Eigentlich kam meine gesamte Karriere durch Sprache ins Rollen. Ich habe mit acht Jahren meine ersten Hörspiele im Radio eingesprochen und war folglich lange nur auf die Stimme reduziert. Bis heute ist das oft der erste Schritt, um mich einer Rolle zu nähern. Ich versuche, mir bewusst zu werden, wie jemand sprechen würde. In welcher Sprache, mit welchem Akzent, mit was für einem Tonfall und Tempo? Wenn ich das dann für mich gefunden habe, macht es klick, und ich weiß, dass ich der Figur ein großes Stück nähergekommen bin.

Werden Sie beim Sprechen der unterschiedlichen Sprachen zu einer anderen Version von sich selbst? Ich selbst bekomme das immer gar nicht so mit, aber mein Umfeld bestätigt das. Wenn man eine andere Sprache spricht, verändert sich automatisch auch die Persönlichkeit, die Haltung und die Körpersprache. Im Spanischen klingt meine Stimme laut meinen Freunden zum Beispiel viel tiefer und maskuliner. (lacht)

Sie sagten in einem Interview, dass es in der Natur des Schauspielers liegt, etwas narzisstisch zu sein. Welche Rolle spielt die Optik in Ihrem Leben? Narzissmus ist ein weites Feld. Häufig vereinnahmt einen der Beruf des Schauspielers so, dass man nicht mehr sieht, dass es da draußen noch andere wichtige Dinge gibt. Da muss man aufpassen, dass man den Bezug zur Außenwelt nicht verliert. Im Alter sollte man auf sich achten, das ist auch wichtig für den Kopf. Ansonsten sieht man eben so aus, wie man aussieht. Mit meinen 1,78 Meter werde ich wohl nicht die erste Wahl für die Rolle eines Basketballers oder eines Türstehers sein. Das ist so, und das kann ich nicht ändern.

Sind Hauptrollen eigentlich immer attraktiver als Nebenrollen? In letzter Zeit habe ich tatsächlich auch einige Nebenrollen angenommen. Man kommt in ein Alter, wo es auch nicht immer die Hauptrolle sein muss. (lacht) Die Prioritäten verschieben sich. Das Zitat: „Es gibt keine kleinen Rollen, nur kleine Schauspieler“, ist vollkommen zutreffend. Zudem hat man mehr Freiraum für sich selbst und die Familie. Nach den letzten Monaten freue ich mich jetzt aber auch wieder auf spannende Hauptrollen.

Man hat das Gefühl, dass die Filmbranche in den südlichen Ländern viel mehr gefeiert wird als in Deutschland. Fehlt Ihnen manchmal dieser Enthusiasmus? Wir Deutschen sind leider nicht wirklich dafür bekannt, uns überschwänglich füreinander zu freuen. Ein bisschen mehr Euphorie und Feierlichkeit würde der Branche mit Sicherheit guttun. Ich komme gerade von einem Projekt aus Boston, und da konnte man am Set solch eine Herzlichkeit und Energie spüren, das ist unglaublich ansteckend. Trotzdem liebe ich Berlin und arbeite nach wie vor sehr gerne in Deutschland, weil wir hier fantastische Leute haben. Ich habe auch meiner Karriere in Deutschland meine ganzen Rollen im Ausland zu verdanken. Mein Ziel ist es, aus Deutschland heraus spannende Geschichten zu erzählen und tolle Filme zu machen, die auch international eine Strahlkraft haben.

Wann sind Sie mit einem Film so richtig zufrieden? Wenn Kritiker ihn loben, Fans die Kinos stürmen oder gibt es ganz persönliche Parameter? Ich bin sehr selbstkritisch. Das heißt, in erster Linie muss ich mit dem Ergebnis glücklich sein. Wenn ich das nicht bin, können die Kritiker tolle Dinge schreiben und die Fans in die Kinos stürmen, und ich habe trotzdem schlechte Laune. Wenn ich allerdings einen Film toll finde und alle anderen nicht, ist das auch nervig. Meine schärfste Kritikerin war und bleibt meine Mutter. Da merke ich auch immer schon direkt am Tonfall, ob sie einen Film wirklich gut findet oder nur so tut. Ich lese mir auch nur noch selten Kritiken durch; außer ich erkenne direkt an der Überschrift, dass sie positiv sind. Negative Kritiken habe ich für den Rest meines Lebens genug gelesen, das bringt mir nichts mehr.

Sind denn immer die guten Filme erfolgreich? Oder gab es Filme, über deren Erfolg Sie sich gewundert haben? Es sind leider auch sehr oft die nicht so tollen Filme, die erfolgreich sind. Aber mittlerweile stört mich das nicht mehr. Solange es nicht irgendwas total Verwerfliches oder Geschmackloses ist, dann ist das doch o. k., wenn es den Leuten gefällt, ich will kein Geschmackspolizist sein. Man sollte dann auch nicht so rumjammern, sondern sich der Herausforderung stellen, die Leute mit etwas Gutem zu erreichen, egal wie schwer das geworden ist.

Und wenn ein Film supererfolgreich wird, für den Sie zuvor eine Rolle abgelehnt haben? Dann freue ich mich auch. Für die ganze Branche. Und vor allem wenn Kollegen oder sogar Freunde mitspielen. Albrecht Schuch zum Beispiel, was der gerade zeigt in all den Filmen, ist so beeindruckend! Oder Felix Kammerer in seiner ersten großen Rolle in „Im Westen nichts Neues“, das haut einen um. Ich muss nur aufpassen, dass ich im Kontakt zu den jüngeren Kollegen nicht schon was zu Väterliches bekomme. (lacht)

Also kein Neid? Überhaupt nicht. Ich finde, wir sollten uns generell von diesem ätzenden Neid befreien, das bringt einen ja nie weiter. Man darf nicht in diese Bitterkeit verfallen, wenn ein eigenes Projekt nicht so aufgegangen ist. Niederlagen gehören dazu. So viel Altersweisheit habe ich mittlerweile erlangt.

Welche Dinge beschäftigen Sie, wenn Sie nicht drehen? Ich bin und werde kein Rafael Nadal, aber ich lasse mit dem Tennis nicht locker. Auf dem Platz wird man dazu gezwungen, nur über den nächsten Ball nachzudenken. Da hat das permanente Dauerrauschen, was sonst im Kopf herrscht, kurz Pause. Neben Kultur und Musik halten mich natürlich auch meine Kinder auf Trab, in jeder Beziehung! Und ich liebe Tapas.

Stimmt. Seit November 2021 sind Sie Botschafter des Welternährungsprogramms der Vereinten Nationen (WFP). Wie hat Sie diese Aufgabe verändert? Die Klimakrise ist kein Blick in die Zukunft mehr, sondern eine tägliche Realität für Millionen Menschen auf der ganzen Welt. Sie verschärft bereits existierende globale Probleme wie Konflikte und die dramatischen Auswirkungen der Pandemie. Ich glaube, es ist unsere gemeinsame Verantwortung, uns für eine Welt ohne Hunger einzusetzen. Ich möchte meinen Teil dazu beitragen und WFP als Botschafter in diesem Kampf unterstützen.

[melodic-haze]

Hellooo!!

I wanted to ask if you make content about Furina (I love your writing and Furina, so seeing that combined would be the BEST 😻) and if you do, could you write to needy!sub!Furina that after going through all that suffering for 500 years, she just want her girlfriend to take care of her and love her like she always needed?

Thank you!! :33

(and sorry for the bad English 😭)

☆ — DEMO TRACK: sub!Furina x dom!fem!Reader

☆ — TYPE: NSFW

☆ — CONTENT WARNINGS: None

☆ — NOTES: FIRSTLY THANK YOUUUU I'M FLATTERED YOU LOVE MY WRITING OMG???? And yes, I do make Furina content I love my silly thespian lesbian girlfailure :3 DON'T APOLOGISE DAWG your English isn't bad!!

I'd like you all to know I converted a Furina hater first of all with my extensive knowledge of ouji lolita clothing. But that's not what you wanted to see here

Being Furina's lover would be. Very much in need of constant attention, you right!!! Wish I could generalise it all but this is ME that's making this and ME making this means I have to actually Put My Mind into this 😭😭😭. Being in a relationship with her is NOT for the detached and the unavailable bc of just how needy she is

She's very! Attached to you! I think eventually she does learn to latch off and act independently without fear of losing the ones she loves (read: you), but it'd take a WHILE before she's at fully at peace with herself.......but rn she NEEDS to catch up on YEARS of intimacy

That DOES translate beyond a simple want for companionship however 😄

You wake up in the middle of the night to soft sounds from your beloved, whose back is turned towards you.

"'Rina..?" Your hands reached towards her in an attempt to let her know of your presence, "Babe, what's wrong?"

You see her shoulders still at your touch, her blanketed figure highlighted by the stream of moonlight escaping from the small gap between the curtains. You took it as a sign that perhaps touching her right now was a bad idea, so you draw your hand back.. but her hand darts to hold yours, squeezing desperately as she turns to look at you.

And oh, you could feel your heart shatter at the sight—tears streaming down her face, eyes glassy and a horrified expression that swiftly twists into relief at the sight of you.

What she says after breaks your heart even further as her voice cracks and loses its usual bravado, eyes meeting you and searching for something—reassurance, perhaps—in your moonlit gaze, "I'm not... This isn't a dream, right? You're-- you're here, I'm here, this is.. this is real. Please tell me this is real."

A former archon, no matter the authenticity, is pleading to you as if you were the god. Praying for some form of reassurance that she wasn't going to wake up cold and alone, doomed to be on the outside looking in as she performed and performed and performed for more times than she could ever possibly count.

"Yes. Yes, of--" You swallowed your initial response (saying that 'of course it's real' would do her no good), "I'm real. This is all real. And I am not going to let you go until you believe it yourself."

"I need-- I need to feel you, to know you're not just saying what I want to hear," her free hand frantically went underneath your shirt, grasping onto your waist as she ducked her head and mumbled into your collar. You could feel fresh tears dampen your skin.

"..Are you sure?"

"Mhm."

"No, no, come on." You gently combed through your hair with her fingers, "Look at me."

No answer.

"Furina. Please."

..It takes a little bit, but she does end up following through.

"Are you completely sure? I don't want to do anything if--"

"Yes. Yes, I am."

"..Okay." You moved above her, placing your knee in between her thighs, "But if you need me to stop or you want a break, do not keep quiet."

"Thank you."

NeedneedneedNEEEEED to take care of babyyyy :(((

She's veryyyyy needy PLEASE take care of her. NO rough sex this time, I need her to be treated juuuust like the girlprince that she is :((((( which means giving her so much love to the point where she CANNOT handle it❗️❗️ Poor girl doesn't know what to do when she's been basically in isolation for so long, only to now have someone so undeniably special to her REASSURING her that she's not going to be alone. If that meant overwhelming her and winding her up in the best possible way, well. Who's complaining, really 🤷‍♀️

Shower her in kisses, worship her body. She might be ticklish at first (which is good bc it distracts her :3), but then you get to more sensitive spots on her body and it has her bucking up into you, even tearing up at just how utterly devoted you're being to her

HOLD HER HANDS. OHMYGOD. Keep her laying down as you finger her, let her watch your desire for her translate to reality, let yourself feel just how close she wants you as she tugs you even closer while begging for more. Whatever baby wants, baby gets 😊😊😊😊😊

"Good girl.. good girl, there you go, just... Mmm, keep sucking me like that-- fuck you're so tight, you needed this, didn't you?"

You ask, and yet you expected no answer from her. Why would you, when you had stuffed her mouth with one of your tits, offered it for her to do whatever she wished as your fingers prodded and explored the insides of her wet cunt?

By god, she was trying her best make the most of what she was given, interchanging between her tongue swirling around your nipple and her lips suckling as if she were starved.

And perhaps she was, with the way she had grasped onto you so tightly as you brought her to the peak over and over again in an effort to show just how much you treasure her just for who she is.

Along with the fact that she was here in the present, sharing this moment with you.

You see her eyes go glassy again (it was hard to count just how many times it's happened throughout the night, not like you cared to), and you press a tender kiss on the crown of her head—a stark contrast from your hand's harsh motions, "Let it all out, baby... Let me hear you."

Her mouth lets go of your nipple as she let out a cross between a sob and a dumbed-out whine, her hand moving as a stand-in to squeeze your chest. "Ffffaster, pleeease-- yesyesyesthank you--"

"You're still so polite, you lovely little thing!" You curled your fingers up, in the same direction at which her hips rose up to, "I'll show you just how much I appreciate all of you."

By daybreak, you know your loving partner, however insecure she is now due to the lasting damage done to her after hundreds of years of doing nothing but perform to a grand audience with a role that is much too big and lonely for herself, would be more than assured that she is now accompanied by the present—she is accompanied by you and those who she deems special.

After all, if you were nothing but a dream, then however could she truly feel the raw sensation of every overstimulated nerve in her body?

If this were a dream, then however could she truly feel, for that matter?

Gotta GOGOGO until she's way too exhausted to go on. Furina is built for extensive dramatics, which means that she's going to have stamina, but she wasn't built to FOCUS on stamina, so at some point she Does pass out. Doesn't help that she's so unbelievably touch starved to the point where a LOT of her body's Extremely sensitive to intimate touches soooooo 🥰🥰🥰

And by the end of it? I pray to fucking GOD you both cuddle. She will forever be little spoon so hold her, have your legs all tangled together and make sure she can feel your warmth and the way your chest expands whenever you breathe :3c if this is a dream, then may it be a long-lasting one for the both of you🫶

[noxtivagus]

rambling in tags bcs today has been very lovely so far 🤍

I LOVE LITERATURE SO MUCH. MY FAV COURSE FR

[glove23]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I WAS TAGGED BY @nooowestayandgetcaught THANK U ILY

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

- 158

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

- 325,837

3. What fandoms do you write for?

- any and all that I know/like!! I have the most fics in kinnporsche, hp, and grishaverse, but I write for a lot of different fandoms

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

- Meeting Your Maker (Literally)

Harry Potter, Time Travel AU, 64,543 words

- a colorful past

The Batman (2021), Jim Gordon/Bruce Wayne, 688 words

- Your Makers Meet (Figuratively)

Harry Potter, sequel to MYML, 30,726 words, incomplete

- I'm not leaving your side

Love in the Air (2022), Whump, 1,307 words

-no body, no crime

Kinnporsche: The Series (2022), MURDER, kinn kills vegas, 943 words

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yeah! I try to at least, I have a huge backlog to get through whoops. I started writing in the era of ffn where like half the experience was talking back and forth in the reviews and then pm-ing and that's how I made a lot of friends that I still have today. and without that kind of comment culture and the author replying to messages, I might not have ever started writing.

someone replied to my review very kindly and asked why I didn't have any fic, my ideas were awesome (hair flip) and that made me realize oh. I don't have to Just read, I can also write the stories

and the rest is history

but fostering that kind of community, just talking to people who love the things you love, is such a fun part of the fandom experience for me and so I'll always reply to comments (eventually. I'll always get there eventually.)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

KDHAJCHSJXJSJZ I DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE A WHOLE SERIES WHERE I JUST KILL PEOPLE AND WATCH THEIR FRIENDS GRIEVE

but that being said, the answer is

into the wind (Love in the Air (2022), prapaisky, MCD/suicide

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhh. this one I don't actually know but imma say

love me there (His Dark Materials, lyrawill, fix-it, lyra finds will again after the events of s3)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

yeah, sometimes! 👍 don't do that

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

sometimes. not very often, it's usually M-rated if I do, but just. yeah. I don't know how to answer this

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

nope!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

yep!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes, many times! back in my OG ffn days, and then a few times with @nooowestayandgetcaught

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

I'm gonna say percabeth but I don't think there Is a real answer to this question, bc I love so many of my ships So Hard that just thinking about them makes me cry

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

......I will finish every wip leave me alone (I WILL FINISH YMMF I PROMISE) work in PROGRESS and the progress may be slow but it's PROGRESS

16. What are your writing strengths?

dialogue I am so fucking good at dialogue, and character interaction. definitely my strengths

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

descriptions. I am too lazy to do them all out the way I want to and so I just kinda. skate by

except in guess I misjudged you (gods I loved you) that one is PACKED bc I spent 9 months on it so

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

mmm unless I know someone I can talk to and get accurate translations, I don't really do this bc I am so afraid of conjugating wrong and google translate is SHIT. but when I do I try my best

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Percy Jackson! in 2012 on ffn on an account that still exists but I will not give u the name of. 🥰🥰

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

as of rn (October 2023) it's

guess I misjudged you (gods i loved you)

Percy Jackson, Royalty AU, Arranged Marriage AU, 56,438 words

it is my BABY and I think one of the best things I've written tbh

#2 would be

if you don't like it (lie)

KinnPorsche, kimchay, MCD, 3,516 words

it's just so delightfully painful and it's the one I show to everyone I show kp bc I'm obsessed with it

ANYWAYS THATS ALL THANK YOU!!!! if you wanna do this feel free to say I tagged you 💞

@seaweedbraens @perseannabeth @karin848 @waitingondaisies (y'all don't have to do this. but ✨��)

[marceltheshellwithflipflopson]

20 questions for fic writers

thanks for the tag @becomethesun <3<3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

11!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

allegedly 46,015, but 5,569 of those words were technically written by @freetobeyouandmichi-me in our shared au! (love ya)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

the last of us

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

1. cold is the water

2. buckets of rain / shelter from the storm

3. you love me so hard and i still can't sleep

4. matchbox

5. patron saints

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

YES when @toointojoelmiller said ao3 comments were better than drugs she was RIGHT! but fr they make me giddy every time, even if it's just a singular emoji or a bunch of exclamation points

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

maybe creature fear? just because it's so early days joel and ellie, so there's no warm and fuzzies to be had anywhere. wouldn't say it's angsty though

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i'm kind of incapable of writing a sad ending, so it's a three way tie between my fluffiest children (1) buckets of rain / shelter from the storm, (2) mountain high, valley low, river wide, and (3) fisherman hats and carpet stains

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not YET thank GOD

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i do not

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i haven't but i have a prospect x tlou crossover in the earliest of early stages

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

kinda yes! michi wrote Roll for Halloween Hijacks for our modern au and was kind enough to name me as co-author

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

i'm lame and most of my ships are just the ones that are already canon :/ but if i had to pick a wild card, i was oddly obsessed with peter parker/harley keener back in the marvel heyday

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i really don't want to speak this into existence, but literally any of my ideas for longfics

16. What are your writing strengths?

fluff, dialogue, authentic characters

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

underwriting, writing consistently, whump/angst

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i do not think i would be any good at this

19. First fandom you wrote for?

should i lay bare all the skeletons in my closet rn? on a tumblr that i deleted over a decade ago, i wrote a few random one-shots of fred weasley/reader, george weasley/reader, remus lupin/reader, sirius black/reader, (brace yourselves) dan howell/reader, and phil lester/reader ... what the fuck i even shipped phan so idk why i did this

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

this is a hard question but i think my home (far away). it challenged me and took me out of my comfort zone but at the same time it was some of the most fun i've ever had writing

no pressure tags! @lkay-09 @two-birds-alone-together @boopernatural (also sorry, you were probably already tagged bc of our braincell hivemind lol)

[tillman]

Embarrassed asking this bc I've been following for a hot minute now and still don't know anything haha--where would I start if I were to look into reading abt Lancelot and Galehaut?

NO ITS OK LOL medieval lit is fucking insane especially getting into it with no background here is my brief spiel: <- said before i ended up typing 800 words. sorry.

medieval lit is complex and extremely hard to approach. let alone that most translations work under the assumption the only people to ever read them would be academics with a background in medieval lit, getting into and reading it is a challenge. if u have an interest and dont want to have to brave one of the longest and most complex stories written in medieval french and translated by many many people into english, im happy to say the story of galehaut and lancelot has enough influence to have a pretty decent modern english retelling of the main beats in Lancelot and the Lord of the Distant Isles. (my pdf here, tho copies are really easy to find in bookstores and stuff this is only from 2007). It takes the main story of the vulgate and condenses it down to focus on just the love story of galehaut and lancelot. its pretty fun. the liberties it takes are slight and work for telling a coherent story.

Now, if you have read it, or want the real Galehaut experience, heres whats up, medieval texts and modern poems undercut:

Galehaut is in 5. i think maybe 6 medieval stories total. youre in for a treat as this is maybe the shortest "i want to get into arthuriana and i like this character where do i start?!" list possible besides like. drian the gay. or some other fucking nobody.

The main one, again, is the Vulgate Cycle. This is the main old french tale that inspired a looot of other arthurian works all over Europe. Its huge. Im not done scanning it BUT, i am done scanning the section Galehaut appears in, the beginning, because i got depressed after that lol. (Heres my scan of part 1, part 2 is on my website im too lazy to get both links).

From there, you got the most detailed explanation of the story of Galehaut, and can read the more fun shit and whacky shit with him and Lancelot in it YAY. Heres what i got pdfed on me rn:

Biggest one to note is he has a side role in Thomas Malory's Le Morte D'Arthur. Nothing huge, and they do mix him up with Galahad at one point? but hes there. No one should read the original text its such a slog so heres Keith Baines awesome rendition

In other bad middle english texts, Lancelot of the Laik Book 3 has Galehaut, but its unfinished and also. only in middle english. fun footnote, dont read it. one day ill post my translation of book 3 alone LOL.

Short and sweet Galehaut is in The Old Knight, the greek text we have. he tries to fight for palamides and lancelot and tristan then try to fight for him. its cute. the old knight is an odd little thing just had to bring it up LOL (had to download a pdf for this one the site i read the article on before doesnt seem to be up.... just scroll to the bottom!) <- thisll be up on my website soon i forgot it i guess

Now for the funniest reveal: Galehaut plays more of a role in Tristania than Arthuriana most of the time (well. the arthurian branch of tristania im not getting into this rn). Why is Galehaut and Lancelots relationship expanded upon only here? only god can answer that.

Here is the Tavola Ritonda. Its one of the oddest texts i know of. Medieval italian. Very Very brutal. BUT. has some really interesting Galehaut takes and moments hidden in the . whatever is happening in this fucking text. its long as hell but mentioning for fun. (pdfff)

aand more interestingly. Here is the Belarussian translation of that. Which is even fucking weirder. mostly different plot, still has lots of really cute galehaut moments including the bit he asks tristan to join his and lancelots marriage. oh well i love the povest. (and heres that pdf)

Now. this is the wild card round. Heres the weird shit and the Hovey.

If you can brave French. modern french not old dont worry, Pierre Sala has Tristan et Lancelot. an exceptionally fucking weird story. Galehaut does make a slight appearance but mostly, keyley, funnierly, his evil german cousin is a recurring villain for a few chapters. its weird. its fun. its french. (pdf)

and finally. this one is on its own level, here is my dedication to Richard Hovey. one of the greatest poets of 1885 or whenever he wrote his arthurian stuff. He was gay. he famously called himself the american oscar wilde (and maybe met him at a party? one time we found a source saying they made out at a party.). and he wrote one of the only poems featuring galehaut i know.

well ok its a collection of dramas. and galehaut is not the focus. but he is a main character and he is insane. I recommend reading literally all his works hes a fucking amazing poet, you can even find his other poetry online easily. but heres his list of works on the camelot project. oh my god read richard hovey. please . hes my favorite poet.

[princesandromeda]

I love this comic so much! It took me a whole hour to read it orz but it was worth it because it was so funny.

Summary/translation under the cut, disclaimer that I'm not a professional translator so some things might be wrong!

First two pages are them playing with spins while yelling their attacks (Aurora Thunder/Nebula Chain) and Shun hits Hyoga in the face by accident (RIP Hyoga)

Third page Hyoga was telling Shun that Natasha was scared bc people were performing the Lion Dance (the one that like 5 people get under a huge lion suit) outside their condominium, which makes Shun go "oh, that reminds me I also had something mildy scary happen to me the other day", and it was Shaka (with his eyes open!!!) outside his door.

[Fourth page] Shaka brought a gift for New Years: Shaka Shaka Curry! (Very delicious!). Shaka peer-pressured Shun into eating it bc smth or the other rite of passage for virgo saint.

[Fifth page] Hyoga inspects the Shaka Shaka curry and then starts shaking Shun "Did you eat it?!" "Eh? Yeah" "And you don't feel any different?!" "Well, now that you mention it I have the weird urge to say that I am the best thing from heaven to hell; or float while meditating in lotus position; or to strip people from their five senses..." "Hold on, Shun!" (Natasha's so confused her parents are so weird)

Sixth page is Seiya and Shun. Shun wonders what he should give Hyoga for his birthday, Seiya says flowers, Shun says "nah, I already gave him flowers" (and something about the bar patrons taking the flowers?) so he says he will instead give him a big cake with Camus coming out of it (??????)

[Seventh page] Seiya: Why don't you just give up (on that idea)? Shun: Don't worry, this wouldn't be the first time Camus (does something like this?) Seiya: what do you mean?????

Eight page starts with Shun: "Ah, I'm so busy tomorrow, I'll have to [list of chores that I'm too lazy to translate]. I should write it down so I don't forget." Hyoga: Are you busy rn? Shun: no. Hyoga: I wanted you to taste-test a recipe I was trying for White Day.

[Ninth page] Shun: Valentine's is all about receiving but people are rarely serious about it. Hyoga: Yakimeshi? Shun: It's too late to eat that (but the thing you just made is delicious). Hyoga: And what would you do if I got serious? Shun: Hmm, I see. Then it could become scary. Hyoga: Scary? Shun: It would be no fun if I explained it to you. Hyoga? What's wrong? Hyoga--? [Hyoga discovered Shun's To-Do list which includes a reservation of sorts for Hyoga?]

In the tenth page Natasha comes crying because his papa yelled at her (!). She was just waking up when she heard her papa saying "10..."

[Eleventh page] Natasha: Ten? Ten what papa? Hyoga [asleep]: TEN TAKOYAKI! [falls back to sleep] Natasha: And I don't get why he yelled at me! ;A; Shun: Ah, I see, I'll try asking him later, ok?

[twelfth page] Shun's had plenty experience with Hyoga talking in his sleep. Natasha: I want to sleep with mama tonight!

In the tirtheenth page Shun woke up earlier. Shun: Eh? I was sure I was alone when I went to sleep. Then why...?

[Fourteenth page] Shun: He always has that bad habit of sleeping in the wrong room... Hyoga [waking up]: Hm? No, I didn't sleep in the wrong room. Shun: What do you mean. Hyoga: This is my room.

[Fifteenth page] When Hyoga went to sleep at 3am... Hyoga: Hey, Shun [shake] [forehead kiss]. He's not waking up, if I wake him up, then he might get annoyed at me...

Pages 16 to 19 don't need translation🫣

[Page 20] Shun: Eh? Why? This is so weird... Hyoga: What's wrong? Shun: I've been trying to enter some numbers for quite a while, but the computer's keyboard's not entering anything. Hyoga: Shun, I think it's best if you took a little break... you're really tired. Shun: eh? Hyoga: because that thing you were tapping so desperately earlier... was the calculator.

[samuelroukin]

i swear i'm being so fr right now: have you thought about publishing? i really, really think you'd do well. what you're doing is honestly a lot better than a lot of published books rn. and considering how MUCH you write too? and the original characters you come up with? you'd only have to change the cod characters a bit not to get sued and you'd be golden. i'm being very serious rn. you already have lots of people dedicated to your work and i don't think you'd have issues pulling new readers in! the original content in your work is so engaging on its own already.

lmao a few friends have brought it up but i honestly don't think fanfic translates over to published work very well most of the time (obvious exceptions at least success wise are those adapted reylo/twilight etc fics). you (general you) only care about these characters because you know them from the source material, without that context me putting them in a different one is just not very interesting imo. and re better or not, i'm FAR from as good as other fanfic authors that aren't publishing their work (other than on ao3 obvs) and with the huge amount of Actual Books it's not hard to be better than some of them 💀

don't get me wrong it's a HUGE compliment (especially about my original characters 🙏) since there are a few (and one Main) original works i've always wanted to write but never did bc Who Care lol but i don't think someone with my lack of experience should be setting goals like that instead of just trying to get better

i also don't think i have nearly as much readers as you think i do lmao, only a fraction of whom Might be interested in nonfree work so even all things aside i'd have to market myself which i'm bad enough at in a huge fandom, let alone the wider book world

[ewitsren]

hiiiii can i request heated arguments with sanzu thanks 😌

"i'm feeling so good right now." | # haruchiyo sanzu

pairings: bonten era!sanzu x reader

synopsis: sanzu and the reader argue bc he's high again

cw/tws ⚠️: angsty(?), drugs, a lot of cussing, slight nsfw, probably bad grammar </3

requested: yes

barrista's note ☕: i hope i got this right :( i mean i'm not sure if you meant nsfw content or a bad fight by 'heated' so i really hope i got it right omg i'm so stressed rn akshjshd

sanzu had to take something to keep going, anything could work for him; LSD, xanax, MDMA, anexsia, ecstasy; didn't matter. he needed it, sanzu had too much in his head. too much bad shit, too much fucked up shit so he'd sit down and get high, swallowing the euphoric pills waiting for him on the table nonstop, until his mind muddled up; until his fingertips got numb, until he lost the ability to seperate his world from reality.

sanzu was sitting on the couch with head fallen back, his pink hair all messy. you sat next to him, crossing your legs before throwing your head back to face him.

" 'chiyo."

sanzu's eyelids slowly opened up; his blue eyes had become reddish, pupils had gotten bigger under the effect of the drugs he's been taking. sanzu slowly lifted his head as he locked his eyes into yours, his fingers started tracing up your arm.

"hey, kitten." he grinned. "wanna play? i feel so good right now."

"for fuck's sake haru!" you pushed him and got up, paced the room up and down. "what the fuck did you take this time?"

sanzu shrugged, he couldn't care less at that time. everything was bright and unreal for him, nothing except the fact that he needed even more mattered. "dunno. think i mixed 'em."

"you said you would stop." your hands aggressively messed your hair as you stood in front of him and tried to catch a hint that said he at least tried.

sanzu sighed, stood up and placed his hands on your waist.

"i tried, doll. 'kay? it's no use, i can't quit. just fucking stop buggin' me already." his voice sounded sorta raspy, his breathing was heavy.

"stop fucking lying to me, sanzu." you felt the sudden anger climbing up from your throat, he promised he would try.

"what the fuck 'ya want me to do, hm?" sanzu raised his voice. "you're fucked up enough to date me but you can't put up with drugs? what kinda bullshit is this?"

"i come home and you're always fucking high, your head's higher than fucking god sanzu! why do you have to be like this? at the club? high. but with your friends. at home? again, high. alone this time. it's always the same shit! you said you'd quit thousand fucking times."

sanzu ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed his nape before letting out an annoyed chuckle.

"what is this? your only problem is fucking drugs? me being high all the time? jesus, i kill at least 5 men every week and you're upset over some fucking drugs? 'ya kiddin' right?"

"i don't care about your total kill score over a week haru, i accepted you the way you are. i don't care about bonten's dirty shit and your phsychopatic mindset. i barely see you, you're always on mikey's ass like a duck following it's mother. no, shut your fucking mouth, i'm talking. i'm used to this but you're always high when you're not with mikey. you just sit on this fucking couch with your high ass and all we do together is to fuck, i miss you."

"you knew what you signed up for, so stop crying; 'kay? if you're that sick of this, just fuck off. i don't care."

you collapsed on the couch with tears in your eyes as sanzu cracked the window to get some air.

he sat next to you, you sniffed as sanzu's fingers climbed up to your neck from your neck.

"c'mon, let's make up? 'm sorry, 'kay? let me make it up to you." sanzu whispered as he pressed his lips against your neck, kisses turning into bites while his hands stroking your back.

"don't cry, i'll make you feel good." his lips started tracing down your whole body as your fingers got tangled in his hair.

"forgive me princess, 'kay?"

@ewitsren 's work, do not translate/repost on other apps and platforms.

[jrueships]

Fic you would 10/10 recommend

OKAY so i think or i heard or maybe i think i saw smthin abt this day being fic appreciation day or whatever so IM HURRYIN WITH THIS ONE so i might come back here later n reblog with some more fics i missed but I WILL GIVE YALL SOME!!! just to note tho im honestly not a big fic reader in just regular gen? I'd say I prolly read maybe like.. one fic over 2 months? And that's if a fandom gives birth to a new fic with people im intrigued by! Im a very picky reader so i don't do it often (as u can tell by my VERBOSE vocabulary of same one word showing up 50 times in one sentence i try to write) SO DON'T RLLY EXPECT LIKE. A BIBLE of recs! i also really like reading shorter fics!

You know for fic recs i GOTTA recommend the MOOTS writings!!!! btw if any other moot on here writes and posted a story that's not recommended here LEMME KNOW! LEMME READ THAT SHIT!! ANYWAYS from the moots ive read from: ok. Nevermind. I was gonna link each story and it would have been awesome but the links won't link so 😭 um. I'll just say the title of the fic and the author LMAO sorry im on mobile. OH ALSO most of these fics you're gonna need an ao3 account to read! But it's WORTH IT trrrust me paps!!

Wreck my plans (that's my man) : sunlightdappling!!! I think I read this b4 we became mooted or at the very beginning of moothood but!! The title ALONE made me excited to read it! I love titles with parentheses i love you song titles i love you two verses! The verses are unfamiliar to me but if i had to guess the title is from a swift song? Idk why! I've never really listened to her but i just get the feeling it's something she'd say? IDK what i mean is THE TITLE IS VERY SMOOTH AND ROLLING!! Which is very much how the whole story feels! It all flows so well and everyone is so real!! I love wall street exec/principal/dad/mom andre a ton here! So cool when authors include more teammates in the fic besides the two it's centered on! I'm personally not big on the warriors cause im attracted to poverty (spurs) BUT i LOVE this fic and tbh like all the warriors related stuff my moots bless me with because Warriors are Gay. And my moots? Gay. This is good stuff, everyone just IT IS JUST SOMETHING YOU WANNA AND SHOULD READ and my picky pallet self loved it VERY much! READ IT!!!!

Kdsburneraccount : <- author!! GO CHECK OUT THIS AUTHOR!!! Moot does it ALL! You see a fic in another language you really wanna read because it's like 1 outta the 4 fics your ship has? CHECK OUT KDSBA!!! (Not actually kd) translates the CUTEST stories with permission ofc so OTHERS can enjoy as well! ANDDD moot ALSO writes GREAT fics ! For very interesting ships!!! Includes lots of people in the fics without any being ooc! You can tell moot takes TIME with these!! If you're thinking of getting into nfl fic! This ur person! AND IM YOUR PLUG ‼️‼️

The whole kyle/demar tag. Read it . Just. Read it. 29 fics with love poured into each and every ONE of them (i think idk i read like half i don't remember) putting it in the moot section bcs there's gotta be some tumblr moots of mine established in these stompin grounds (or planning to set ship root here!! So just keep an eye out on this tag !)

Nahco3 : <- author! BRO. IF YOU ON SPORTS TUMBLR N NEVER READ A NAH FIC. DO IT. RN. Reading at least THREE sodium bicarbonate fics is required! Sorry! Either witness greatness or lag behind idk what to tell ya buddy! Moots ability to write like SO many 10k+ works where every single word sounds MWAH is so MWAH it's MWAH just CLICK ONNA FIC MAN!!! SEE FOR YOURSELF!!! my personal fav favs are the fics with russell just cus his personality and behavior are A1 both in real life AND fiction. Russell fics are just something to read if you like those kinda elegant but POPPIN personalities IDK lol READ IT!! Read a kyle/demar story and thank nah for being the strong pillar that ship needs to stop it from falling into the 'short one uwu smol bean baby tall one MEAN and emotionless daddy 🥺' trenches. Seriously. That's a real savior right there !!! Also james harden is so funny in the fics we hate him but we all agree a straight guy who is Straight can just be hilarious sometimes

Freaky Friday : hardlythewiser (sequinedfairy)/ just moots fics in gen also legally if you read nahco3 you read HTW too! TWO-PACKED DEAL!! it's like getting TWO ps5s for the price of ONE ps5! SERIOUSLY READ THIS FIC!!! READ THE FICS!!!! I included the one that got me into moots fics (b4 we were moots! It was just such a creative concept AND all done in one chapter too? The DEDICATION??? i HAD to check it out), but read them All. OR YOU ARE MISSING OOOUT!! writing main ships are HARD. Yet this account manages to knock em outta the park EVERY time!!

Of course i love ALL my moots AND ALL THEIR WORKS so if yall want to be included LEMME KNOW and i will add yall in the rec! I'm just writing this at night rn so im trying to go a lil fast n post!

Ok now just for fics in general hmm

Tonight : anonymous A BRAD/JOHN FIC!!!!! and the fic that encouraged me to join tumblr n scrounge up some fics of my own for the fandom! John n beal have such an interesting relationship and storyline which NEEDED to have a fic done on it! AND THIS ONE IS SO GOOD! i haven't read it in forever since my start here so i can't describe all the deets but! I like it :). It has my og fav there and the perfect melancholy kind of vibe beal/john gives off.

A little TLC : madina / madina fics overall. Madina was probably one of my first fav fic authors for the fandom. AND IDK IF I JUST HAVENT MET MADINA AS A MOOT HERE OR MADINA DOESNT USE TUMBLR OR SMTHIN BUT IM KINDA SAD I CANT BE MOOTS WITH MADINA! because i just wanna COMPLIMENT madina so BAD madina is a GENIUS i LOVE madinas fics i love how madina writes russ , (and yes i am biased because madina writes a lot of my favs but STILL), IF YOU LOVE RUSS.. you'll love madina! Madina just gets PEOPLE! So right! And knows how to write main ships AND rarer ships so well! Only weakness to madina i can think of? Lakers fan lol

Just read all the kd/russ fics they're like all so high quality and good concepts and it's all written about a really complicated relationship but the fics do it so well ! JUST READ EM!! (again tho i read like half and a long time ago so😭)

Football fics now I TOLDYOU I DONT READ ALOT anyways Prom King by playclock!!! When /I/ was rec this, i thought the authors name was playc*ck so i was a little confused 😭 waiting for that thing some writers do where they label it unexplicit or mature then it has l*wd in it LMAO but no! This one is just a really soft really cute fic about stef and allen! If you're looking into getting into nfl through that ship or just that ship, READ THIS FIC!!! it gets INSECURITY it gets PLAYFULNESS it gets FRIENDSHIP it gets LOVE!!! i love it im so glad i was recced it and now im reccin it TO YOU! guys

Easy like a [tuesday] morning : counselor. CUTE title for a somber soft fic!! I love sports fics that dive into issues athletes might have that no one really considers! This one was so understandable it was sad AND I LOVED IT!! a lovely lamar and hollywood fic, their friendship is shown so well!! READ.IT.

AGAIN i mainly read whatever catches my eye, whether that be interesting characters, title, coverart, booksleeve, SO TAKE MY RECS... however you wanna take em JUST KNOW i am no historian of literature or WHATEVER ! THESE ARE FICS I LIKE, you may not like em, who cares everyone knows everything is about me lol eat shorts

[queen-boudicca]

Next up in the nuwhorewatch, the unquiet dead! (Guys i just watched the new episode help)

Bechdel test: pass

Made me cry: yes

Ngl I'm pretty sure i only watched this episode once, twice at most, so i don't really remember it. Gonna be fun

*Corpse comes out of coffin, chokes dude* 'oh no' 

'ghoulish moans' lol gotta love the hbo subtitles

I mean, they're not accurate, but at least they're sometimes entertaining

I like how they actually show the tardis traveling through the vortex they don't do that anymore

Yay gwyneth! 

"We've got to do something"

"And we will! As soon as we've got that dead old woman locked up. Now, get the hearse ready, girl, we're going bodysnatching"

"You'll start a riot dressed like that" doesn't change at all

Mortician dude is a douche leave Gwen alone

Hey look it's Charles Dickens. Anyway

Ooh i love her shoes esp combined w her tights

"It's not 1860 it's 1869"

"I don't care"

"And it's not Naples"

"I don't care"

"It's Cardiff"

"... Right" lol get rekt Cardiff

Wow Dickens is talking really slowly

Damn does he have this memorized? That's pretty impressive tbh even if he wrote it

Lol none of the people behind the corpse can see her face

Oh my god Sneed you can't just chloroform people

"Should i remove the gentleman, sir?"

"You're absolutely brilliant, you are!"

"Uh no, he can stay"

You expect me to believe the translation circuit doesn't translate dialetical differences? There's no way it wouldn't translate fan into fanatic or something he understands.

He's a good sport about this tho

Rose sees a ghost zombie thing and the first thing she asks is if it's alright i love her

Lol Charles just walks out after nine tells him to shut up

Oh he's going on a little investigation bc he doesn't believe in ghosts

Rose bonding w Gwen is great i love it

Giggling about boys and stuff

"Don't antagonize her. I love a happy medium" nine I'm going to have you arrested

Wonder if the gelth claimed to be screwed over by the time war bc they knew the doctor would respond to it

Don't remember if that was true or if they had some psychic shit like Gwen so they knew that would work the best

Gwen is so nice and rose cares so much

Plot twist they're evil you can tell bc they turned into fire and got a deeper voice

Yay Charles you're smart

"I hope that this theory will be validated soon... if not immediately" lol he's fun

Oh fuck I'm crying I'm actually crying that's not fair

Fuck now I'm crying again over Charles Dickens

Okay have to go to bed soon so not doing a two parter rn

Next time though, slitheen and Harriet Jones, mp for flydale north!

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird