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bonny-kookoo · 4 years ago

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Mean (JJK x Reader) 💜☁️✴️🔞

💸 Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

💸 Genre: Mafia!AU, Single Parent AU!, Angst, fluff, Smut

💸 Warnings: bad language aka cursing, mentions of cheating, mentions of illegal business, manhandling and not the nice kind, tsundere Jungkook, it’s not like he likes you duh, guns, description of violence, restriction of movement and not in a kinky way, protected sex because dude he’s got one kid okay that’s enough, unconventional romance, choking, near death experience, angst did I mention angst

💸 Summary: Jeon Jungkook was kinda cute, you had to admit that- but he was also a massive douchebag with his head up his ass. And a cute kid.

A/N: First of all, I want to apologize to anyone I might dissapoint with this. I've changed up the story concept numerous times- and the first trailer is in no way a proper teaser anymore, since it has nothing to do with this story anymore. I somehow hope you still enjoy the story however. If not- I hope you'll stick around for future content!

Taglist: @drumsofheaven @yzkyzkuniverse @strwberrybtch @kirbykook @teresaisla @park-hera-gi @justzeera @taestannie @bambuzlee (there were several people I couldn’t tag- I’m sorry about that!)

Jeon Jungkook was facing his worst enemy.

Now, considering his work and all those rumors going on about him, this could be anything really; from an entire army storming his house, to readying himself for waterboarding. But no, this enemy he was currently standing across from was way more vile and difficult to get under control. The situation was slowly growing desperate on his side- this was a life and death situation.

"Mina, come on now." Jungkook pleaded as the toddler vehemently refused to raise her arms properly so he could slip on her dress for the day. He could understand her, to an extend- he wasn't a morning person either, but he had to overcome this in order to be successful- and she had to as well.

Well, success was not really that important at her age, but getting her to daycare definitely was.

"Mina I have a meeting soon and if you continue to be a brat I can't send you off again properly." He tried, knowing how much she hated him leaving in a rush like usually. He'd promised her the day prior as he'd tucked her into bed that he would, this time, at least stay until her friends had arrived, yet he couldn't have known that this situation would occur the next morning.

Sometimes being a single father was way worse than anything he was facing at his actual job.

"There we go!" He cheered as she finally caved in, pouting a bit before she giggled at the silly face her father was making in order to get her to smile. He hated sending her off in a foul mood, knowing that she could be an absolute devil's child if she felt like it. In a way, she was very similar to him, which was to be expected with her mother not being in the picture. He didn't mind it much, however- a cheating spouse was not really what he wanted by his side, if he was being entirely honest with himself. It was enough already knowing that almost all of his 'friends' and 'business partners' were shameless liars. He didn't need to live and raise a child with one as well.

"Tiger!" The young girl cheerfully exclaimed, as the both made their way into the kitchen. It wasn't just a random comment from her side, because her chubby hand already pointed at the cereal box designed with colorful images on the counter, way too high for her but perfectly reachable for her father as he chuckled, balancing her on his hip as he prepared a small bowl for her.

"No funny business though, young lady." He said, as he sat down with her at the table. "We don't have to hurry, but we can't waste time either." He explained, as he watched her eat her breakfast with a concentrated face. He smiled at the picture, sometimes wishing this would be how his days would always start. Sadly, that wasn't the case- most of the times really, her nanny took her to daycare.

Which was another problem.

Her nanny had recently filed in for her termination, her age getting to her as she finally made the decision to settle down for her last years of life, she'd said. He accepted it without much resistance, having build too much respect for the elderly woman over the course of time by now. It left him with a gaping hole however, one that he knew he needed to fill.

But with who?

He couldn't just hire anybody for Mina at this point in his life. People needed to be fully trustworthy to be even given knowledge of his child at all. Most didn't even know she existed- the public unaware of her relation to him. He kept the facade up that she was merely the child of a close friend, just to keep her out of range of any potential enemies he had gathered over time.

His life really wasn't fit for a child at all, but what was he supposed to do?

"Y/N!" A small voice exclaimed behind you, making you look around from where you were cutting apples as the small child appeared.

"Mina!" You answered just as brightly, picking her up as she giggled excitedly. "Did you have breakfast yet?" You asked, as another daycare worker came inside.

"Yeah!" She said, and you looked at her surprised. "Daddy and I had breakfast!" She explained, as you placed her back down onto the ground. "He'ven brought me here today!" She said, and you hummed affirmatively,

"That sounds awesome!" You said, as she beamed up at you. "Why don't you go sit at the table, we're almost having our morning snack. You think you can eat some apples?" You asked, and she proudly nodded, before zooming off, stumbling a bit as she missed the slight gap of the door.

"He didn't come inside." Jenny said, as she watched the little girl sit down next to a boy her age. "I saw that he was sitting in his car, but she got out herself." She explained further, as you continued cutting the apples and making some cuts to have them resemble a bunny. "I swear to god-" She started, as you cut her off.

"We don't know what his life is like, Jenny." You said, as she huffed. "It's not our kid, it's not our life. She isn't unhappy, she's healthy, she's not mistreated. Case closed." You explained further as you discarded the scraps of apple unneeded in the trash, before rinsing the knife you'd used. "I'm not too happy about it either, but we're not her mother." You said, as you dried your hands.

Jenny sighed. "I know, but like-" She said, walking over to you to help you place the banana slices and grapes as well. "She's such a sweet kid. I don't know, but he seems like such a dick honestly. Like, have you heard his phonecall last week?" You snorted. Everyone did at this point.

Mina had had a minor incident, when she'd stumbled and fell. She'd scraped her knee, cried a little, but after a moment everything had been fine again. He however, had been livid upon finding out his daughter had been hurt, even though the scratches didn't even need a bandaid. Even though he'd only been on the phone with your superior, he'd made such a scene out of it that it became like local news around the daycare.

"I still don't know what the fuck that was about." Jenny exclaimed, taking a sip of her coffee as she kept an eye on the kids in the main room. "Like, yeah, she fell, but nothing happened." She said, and you agreed.

Shrugging, you grabbed some plates and napkins, and looked at Jenny. "Again." You reminded her. "As harsh as it sounds, you know me." Jenny sighed.

"I know."

You took back everything you had said this morning.

This prick had the audacity to keep you waiting for more than two hours now, without reacting to any amount of phonecalls you'd done by now. Mina was almost asleep on your lap, and you were angry to say the least. This was supposed to be your last day of work for a week, you were supposed to be curled up on your couch in nothing but underwear and fluffy socks, hidden by a blanket and eating icecream while watching netflix. You were definitely not supposed to sit here at your daycare until even the janitor was about to go home. "Fuck it." You mumble, carefully balancing the young girl on your hip as you grab your bag and keys.

You wave the janitor and cleaning staff goodbye on their way out, and take out your phone for a bus or subway that could drive close to where Mina's address is- but you notice there is nothing in her jacket written that you could use as one. You instead simply call the number written down for emergencies, and wait as it rings.

once.

twice.

"Hello?"

You are a bit taken aback by the voice on the other line, masculine, but clearly not as old as you'd thought he'd sound. "Uh, yeah, this is Mina's daycare, you mind picking her up these days, or not?" You casually say, Mina moving around a bit as to bring her thumb close to her lips. You internally coo at her.

"Shit! Fuck- I, where are you?" He asks, and you furrow your brows. Where the hell does he think you are, or does he seriously not know where his daughters daycare is? Wait, is that even her father?

"I- listen, am I even talking to her father or who is this?" You ask, and suddenly you feel extremely uncomfortable. This was a bad idea, what if this isnt her dad at all? You could loose your job for this!

"Yeah, yes. Listen I'm gonna send someone to pick her up alright? Should be there in an hour or so." He says as if frustrated, and you scoff, making him question you on the other line as if he was just struck by thunder. "Excuse me?" He says, voice low, but you're not intimitated.

"First of all, I'm not convinced. Second of all, and pardon my french, but are you nuts?! It's already way too late for her to be up, and I've finished my shift hours ago!" You complain, and he clears his throat over the line, clearly unhappy about your lack of understanding.

"Jeon Mina has a small beauty mark underneath her lower lip, she hates strawberries for some reason, and her biggest secret is that she is actually scared of unicorns. There, happy?" He grits out, and you chew on your lip. He was good. "Second of all, Miss." He makes sure to pronounce every word. "You're getting paid to look after my kid. If that's all you want I'm paying you extra for the inconvenience-" Oh boy, there we go.

"If I cared about your stupid money I would've called authorities hours ago, S.I.R." You start, careful to tone your voice down as to not wake her up. "And you know what, thats a great Idea actually! Let me just-" You begin, but he cuts you off with a sound that sounds awfully like a door closing.

"Fuck you, I'm there in 20." He says.

Jeon Jungkook was not too fond of woman.

That much was clear ever since he'd been cheated on and left with a kid, but it had always been like that. It wasn't like he was afraid of them, or didn't like them, it was more like, during his life, woman had been the reason for heartbreak and bad news all along. His mother had been an alcoholic, his dad desperately trying to get her back on track. His sister had been involved into shady business early on, a wild child that would do anything to get on peoples nerves. His aunt, which only ever visited to gain money. Women were bad news.

So his own surprise had been very prominent when he spotted you on the bench with his kid in your arms,her chubby arms clinging onto you like a koala. You seemed to be reading something on your phone, careful not to point the device too close to Mina so she wouldn't be disturbed. You were pretty, he had to admit that, even from far away- and you seemed like a confident person, from what he'd heard over the phone. You suddenly noticed him as he drove a bit closer, car tires crunching the gravel and snow underneath while his headlights shut off, to not blind you both. He stepped out, as you woke Mina up to announce to her that her father had finally arrived.

"Daddy!" She screached sleepily, running towards him with stumbling legs. He picked her up with a smile before he turned around, having every intention to buckle her up in his backseat as you came closer.

"Huh. Mind telling me why I shouldn't inform authorities about this?" You asked, and he huffed out a breath with a roll of his eyes, pulling out his wallet. You simply stood there, arms crossed, not at all fazed by the amount of money he held in front of you- you simply raised your eyebrow. "I mean, if money could talk I'd ask your bills, sure. But that right there isn't an answer." You replied, and he gritted his teeth, jaw clenching. Why were you being so difficult.

"Okay, how much?" He said, and you suddenly moved, shifted, as if absolutely offended by his offer.

"Do I look like a streetworker to you sir?" You said, and he closed his eyes for a moment, until another car seemed to pull up.

"You're getting picked up." He says, ready to step into his car as you look at him with confusion. "You don't know them?" He asks, and you shake your head, having every intention to check as he notices something familiar peeking out of one of the car windows. As if on autopilot, he rips his passenger side open, pushes you in, and runs to get inside the drivers seat.

There are shots fired, Mina is holding her hands over her ears as she simply stares at you, who is absolutely shell-shocked.

What the hell just happened?

So yeah, that's how you got here-

In a room that looked awfully like the interrogation rooms in your late night netflix crime shows. There was someone sitting in front of you- Mina's father, watching you, like you were going to do anything. But you were as quiet as a mouse, not saying anything.

"So you didn't know them? At all?" He questioned for the second time in the past ten minutes, and you shook your head. "Hard to believe. Then again, why would you ever tell me that your Dad's brother was sentenced to two years for escorting drugs- only getting two years because he snitched." He said, and your eyes widened.

"Okay what the hell-" You started, but he cut you off.

"Oh, I hit a nerve-" But you weren't having it.

"Oh an I'm gonna hit your pretty nose if you don't stop cutting me off!" You said, making him smirk. For some reason, this was quite entertaining to him- the only woman he ever had in here were so keen on keeping up that shy and innocent facade, that you were a breath of fresh air. "Listen, I don't know why you decided to dig up things that happened when I was literally a TODDLER- or how you even got that information - I swear to god I will really break your nose!" You ended as he had tried to speak again, making him chuckle.

If you weren't being held captive after getting your night ruined you might as well would've thought that was pretty hot.

"I was five years old- I had nothing to do with it, and my dad had no contact whatsoever with his brother after what had happened." You explained. "If you can find that, you can also find that I haven't had contact with my family in years either." You said, leaning back, as he spoke.

"I did. Which is quite confusing to me." He said.

You suddenly went stone cold on him. "It really isnt that deep." You said.

"Were you avoiding them?" He asked. "Because of what happened? Or because your dad got involved into something?"

"Because they're dead." You said.

Well. This was something that made him actually stop and think for a second. He did dig into that nasty part of your family, but he never looked further- their death was something he had overlooked. And by your reaction as you said it, the way you said it, he knew that you weren't lying. "Alright." He said. "But you do realize that I can't just let you go like that, right?" He said.

"Figured." You said. "So, should I stand facing against the wall or with my back against it so you can aim better?" You said, and he took a deep breath. Technically, yes, that would be a logical outcome.

"Neither." He said, and you raised your eyebrow. "I have an offering." He said, and your entire body went stiff, arms crossing in front of your chest. A pure sign of whatever he was going to say, your first reaction would be no. "I need a nanny for Mina." He said, and your lips parted, confusion clear on your face.

He almost thought it was kind of cute.

"You what?" You said.

"I need a nanny for Mina." He repeated. "It's a win-win situation for both of us if you think about it. You get to- in a way- keep your job and a bonus in terms of payment, and I will have someone to take care of Mina. And I also don't have to put a bullet into your pretty little head." He said, leaning forward with the last words.

"This isn't really a question, isn't it?" You said, and he laughed.

"You're smart- I like you."

„But that’s not how daddy does it..“ she wonders, as you tie her shoes for her, before looking up into her eyes. She really does resemble her father. Well, a more innocent version, that is.

„Well everyone does it differently.“ you say, well aware that there were numerous ways to tie a simple bow. „Your daddy probably has learned it from someone who does it like he does. I learned it from my dad.“ you explained as you went to pick up her backpack, carrying it for her as she took your hand.

„yours looks prettier tho!“ she exclaimed happily, a skip in her step as she kept looking at her shoes with a smile. You grinned, a sense of pride filling you. „Daddy‘s always looks crooked on one side-„ she said, before a voice broke through the sweet moment.

„You hurt me Princess. You always said they look nice.“ he hummed from his spot in the doorway, leaned on the frame, looking at you with something you could only describe as unsatisfied, while shooting his daughter a smile.

What the hell have you done wrong now?

This had been something going on for months now. Ever since you started working for him as a nanny, Mina had been nothing but a ray of sunshine- but he, he was not even a raincloud. He was the angry grinch miltiplied by a hundred, ready to piss everyone off twenty-five-eight. Somehow everything you did wasn't up to his standards; the way you cooked for Mina, the way you dressed her, hell, even right now with the way you tied a fucking bow.

You really hoped next time he washed his hands, his sleeves would roll down.

"There's an emergency gun underneath the back-" He started as Mina was out of listening-reach.

"I won't use it." You said.

Jungkook had tried to get you trained at least in the basics of guns- but you practically had an allergy to it, refusing to so much as touch one. He didn't quite know what your problem was, but after a while, he had given up on it- simply sending one of his guards with you whenever he could. By now, you were an easy target as well if found alone, so you had joined him in his place, occupying one of the larger guest rooms. He had said that it was to keep an eye on you, but internally, he simply didn't want you to get hurt.

And yeah, at first that was because he didn't trust you, at all- but by now, somehow, you had sneaked your way into his heart, in a way. Even though he himself would always grumpily comment on it, he loved how you made Mina smile and the entire mansion light up. Things felt a little brighter, a little less tense, and a little less lonely with you around. It felt as if you were an actual family.

And that scared the shit out of him, because in no way was he going to fall for his daughters nanny.

And, after all; you hated his guts.

If Jungkook knew the situation you and Mina had gotten yourselves into, you don't know if he would be proud of her or kill you.

Turns out that the guard Jungkook had sent you out with wasn't actually following his orders at all, but words from a different person entirely- you imagined they were highly likely the one's out to shoot you back when you first met the tall mafia boss and father. Now, the only thing they definitely did not get right however, was that you were Mina's mother- and someone Jungkook valued enough to give up his safety. This was true for Mina; the young child was his everything, and he'd cut off his limbs just to know her safe and sound- but you? That was just absolutely stupid. Sure, you've been living together for quite some time now, and he stopped trying to mentally push you down the stairs every morning as well. But there was nothing more than a mild case of friend- and partnership. You weren't being emo; Jungkook had, after all, said it again and again that he had crossed out the dating game. He's got enough trouble with Mina and you, he had said.

Well, seemed like one of those issues would solve itself.

"Again, what're you gonna do?" You say, as Mina looks at you from out of the vents above you had helped her into seconds ago.

"Crawl where the nice air is, call daddy- and don't look back." She repeats proudly, but you can see it clearly that she's just as scared as you are.

"Exactly, good job princess." You praise, and she nods with a pout. "Once daddy gets you, you'll be safe." You promise, and she wants to complain- but you don't let her, closing the vent again as you hear her shuffling away. This was fine. Mina would be safe, Jungkook would have one person less to worry about- he could move away, bring her to a different part of the country where no one knew her, and she could simply go to school next year and forget all of this ever happened.

You were just a bit sad that you'd never get to see it.

Of course you weren't her mother- but it was hard not to let her inside your heart, with the way she was. The charms her dad didn't have, she got them times ten. She was just so sweet, and you were around her all the time, it was hard not to somehow grow fond of her. You just hoped she'd be alright.

"Where's the kid, whore?!" A guard yelled after noticing you were the only one left in the room. You simply smiled, not answering, before he grabbed your neck, pulling you up as much as he could as he fumed. "Save that stupid grin for your son of a bitch at home." He barks, and you desperately try to breathe- unsuccessfully so, until he forcefully pushes you back down, the back of your head hiding the concrete floor with a sickening crack. You squealed out in pain, holding onto the spot for dear life as if that would somehow help it- but it didn't. "I knew sluts like you have to be tied up. You're all just trouble." He says, pulling you by your legs as another set of people come in, binding your legs and hands. You can already feel your fingers getting cold from how tight your wrists are tied- but you black out from the kick to your stomach before you can quite dwell on it.

"Fuck!" He yells, before he gets up, hands in his hair to somehow help himself not punch the laptop on his table. He's seen it, seen it all- from the moments you would shield Mina like a fearless lioness, the second you had lifted her up into the vents even though he knew your shoulder had to be in horrible pain, to the very moment you had faced the consequences of your actions. He hated that he had to wait, that he had to simply sit here in his office like a coward just to watch you take the beatings.

Because here was the thing with Jungkook; even though he liked to portray himself as someone who always takes the upper hand in things and troubles, when it came to his own personal life far away from his criminal business he ran, he couldn't seem to ever make up his mind. It was like a repeat of his past love affair- but instead of his ex-wife cheating and leaving him with a child, there was you, in some way fighting like a true lionness in order to keep said child safe and sound, even though you didn't even had to. Technically, this would've been the perfect opportunity for you to finally get your freedom back in a way. Because without Mina, there was no use for you being in his grasp anymore. Without her, there was no agreement between the two of you.

And yet there you were. And yet again, he simply watched, simply did nothing.

The entire mansion was already on high alert by now; his most trusted friends Seokjin and Yoongi already out to your location- he could wait. He could wait. He could wait.

Everything would somehow turn out to be just fine by the end of this day. He would successfully take his daughter into his arms, Yoongi and Seokjin would get you out of there, and after a good nights sleep and some first aid for you, things would just return to normal.

But what was normal at this point?

He didn't want things to continue like they did currently. He wanted change, for the first time in his life. He wanted to tell you about his inner thoughts, about his desires concerning you and his future. He wanted to tell you that he didn't just want you to be at his home and with him and his daughter just because of some stupid agreement. He didn't want you to stay with him because he forced you to.

His phone began to chime, your face greeting him as the caller ID as he accepts it. "Daddy-" His heart sinks down to the floor as he hears Mina sniffle on the other side of the line. He has to wait, he thinks, repeats like a mantra. He has to somehow calm her down, tell her everything's alright- "They're hurting mommy!" Mina wails, and somehow, those words make him snap.

Fuck waiting.

In a way, Mina was a smart kid. She had been nothing but understanding when Jungkook and her mother had broken up- divorced, and fought until she eventually left for good. She had been a little sad for a long time, thinking it had somehow been her fault; but he had assured her, and later on, explained, that Mommy simply didn't love Daddy anymore. In Daycare, she was one of the most well behaved kids ever encountered- careful, and calm. Of course she got excited and happy and sometimes made a mess; but she also was very careful who she interacted with, what kinds of friends she made, and how much she talked about home. She never complained, never threw public tantrums.

Jungkook truly was lucky- that the only thing left of his shattered marriage had been her.

He never had relationships after that- never dated, never truly searched for someone. No one, in his eyes, was worth the risk- and even after meeting you, that was his opinion. But as cliche as it sounded, you were quite different from anyone he'd ever met before.

You spoke your mind; always saying what bothered you, never beating around the bush. Yet, you weren't being a bitch about things. No, you actually could be pretty cute if you wanted to be- be it the moments he had caught you and Mina sneak a taste of her birthday cake in the middle of the night, or the one time he had been sick.

You had been such an angel to him.

Helping him towards the bathroom, never even scrunching your nose in distaste whenever he had to throw up. You simply rubbed his back, helping him towards the sink to rinse, just to lead him back into his bedroom. You had aired the room out, made the bed, made sure that he was staying hydrated and at least tried to eat every day- all without any complains.

Maybe that was the moment his perspective of you shifted into dangerous territory.

He had somehow become hyperaware of the things you did. How well you got along with Mina, how easy going you were becoming with him- how confident yet nurturing and sweet you were, gently scolding him sometimes to not overwork himself. You always made sure his kid felt happy and was healthy, never so much as whined about your past friendships lost; you had simply accepted the new situation.

In a way, you were what he silently dreamed of at night.

Because as much as he loved the sight of you holding Mina whenever she had a nightmare and couldn't sleep, he somehow also craved to be held throughout the night by your arms. Just like he held his daughter in that moment after she had climbed out of the vent into his arms. He could make out some of her words as he simply let himself feel her tiny body in his arms for a moment. Just to make sure she was really there, really alright, really out of harms way. She kept on crying out for you, for him to help you, to save you-

So it was only natural for him to jump out of his car and run after Seokjin, Yoongi, and their squad, as they entered the building.

Sometimes at night, when you got aware of all the different sounds of the room, you heard the blood rush inside your brain.

Just like now; but now, it was so loud that you could barely hear anything else. Things seemed hazy, fuzzy, your ears stuffed with cotton wool drowning out any sounds might happening around you. Your eyes stayed closed, light way too bright for your raging headache- and the stale metal taste on your tongue wasn't helping either. Your hands had started to tingle long ago, and your knees were hurting from being in the same position for this long. But the moment someone touched you next, it wasn't forceful. It was so gentle, and almost- scared?

You couldn't hear, but you could feel. How the rope was cut, blood rushing painfully into your hands and legs again, pins and needles making them hypersensitive as you were suddenly held- moved, carried?

It smelled like home, that was something your dizzy mind was able to properly make out. It smelled like Jungkooks mansion, and a bit like his office- a faint vanilla hitting your senses, making you faintly smile as your hand reached out, unknowingly grabbing his shirt, holding the fabric as tight as you could as you moaned out in pain when he placed you down again, warmth surrounding you.

Maybe you were dying?

Or maybe not.

Because after some hazy and confusing dreams, you slowly came back to your senses. Eyes opening slowly, there it was; the curtains you knew so well, the balcony opened, air crisp and fresh around you as the door opened. You wanted to move your head, but the fear of triggering another headache was too big.

"Y/N?" Jungkooks voice asked, warm, and almost hesitant. You hummed, and he snapped his head around, noticing that yes- after days of sleeping and slipping in and out of consciousness you were actually awake again. He walked into your field of vision, looking so casual; his white button up undone at the first two buttons, sleeves rolled up as he sat down close to you, palm on the blanket covering you as he-

smiled?

"W-" You had to cough a bit before clearing your throat. "Who are you and what have you done to Jungkook?" You said, and he chuckled, sighing in relief- you had, after all, not lost your charm.

"I think past Jungkook had a moment of self-reflection." He said, watching you as his hand placed itself onto yours, warmth spreading over your skin. "I'm glad you're okay." He admitted. "And thank you. For keeping.. Mina safe." He ended, and you smiled.

"That's literally my job." You said, and he got more serious.

"No, and you know what I mean." His voice was deep and rough, yet held no authority like usual. "You had chances to tell them who you were. That you had no connection to me other than through her; yet you didn't. And we both know why." He said, and you looked at him.

"There are more reasons than just one." You said, eyes drifting to his now empty ring finger on the hand resting on his thigh.

"Does it matter which one I mean?" He asked, and you wanted to scoff.

"It does to me." You said, and he shifted closer after a second, properly holding your hand now as he looked at yours- still a little scratched, but nothing that wouldn't heal.

"You did it because that's the reason you live here." He said. "You also did it because you adore her just as much as I do. And you.." He began, but grew unsure.

"And I?" You smiled, and he looked at you with his typical seriousness.

"And you somehow got stuck in an emotional mess." He explained. "You somehow, deep down, wanted it to be true." His thumb moved over the back of your hand as he spoke. "You wished that.. maybe there was more to it than just, partnership." He said, and you still smiled gently.

"Did I now?" You teased, but to your surprise, he was still looking straight at you.

"I know I did." He humms out. "I still do."

"You're stupid." You said, and he laughed bitterly, taking your words the wrong way as he slipped his out of yours.

"I know." He said, getting up to leave but stopped as you spoke.

"Good." You said, chuckling before coughing. "What, no kiss for me after all I've been through?" You giggled as his wide eyes stared at you. "Rude." You said, and he suddenly realized that no- you weren't rejecting him. You were accepting.

You felt the same.

Noticing his own awkwardness, he leaned over, hands supporting his body as he leaned down, properly placing his lips onto yours. You had never imagined what kissing Jungkook would feel like, but you certainly would've never guessed how gentle and absolutely loving it would be. One of his hands moved towards your cheek, holding it, as if you were the most precious thing he'd ever seen.

"Mommy!" Came Mina's excited voice, cries instantly noticable as she jumped onto the bed, burying her head into your chest as you held her, a few tears in your eyes from her jumping.

"Mina baby, be careful okay?" He said. But your words were the reason that he ended up tearing up, at the end.

"Mommy's still hurting baby." You said. "But she'll get better soon."

Not even during the first few magical months of being together with his past ex, had it ever felt like this.

He was euphoric almost; with the way you felt, moved, breathed. It all felt like so much to him, made him feel so.. He couldn't explain it. He had his hands on your hips, fingers careful not to press too hard, but having enough force to move you back and forth over his lap- his length moving in and out of your heat, making you whine, as he watched your breasts in front of him. You fit so perfectly like this, felt so amazing, managed to make him feel needy instead of the other way around.

He turned you over slipping out of you sloppily as he moved positions, now above you as he spread your legs, entering you again easily. He pulled you by your thighs, holding you in place as he began to thrust again, your eyes closing with every movement of his hips.

He loved the sight of it.

Deep down he wanted to take the condom off; he wanted to fill you up, cum inside over and over and over until your cunt would overflow. Not only just to claim you in a weird animalistic sense, but to also make his family complete. He had cut his ties to his illegal activities by now, had settled down with you- and he knew, there was no other person he'd ever have a child with again than with you. "I want to cum inside." He said breathlessly, making you whine in return. "Hm, you'd like that?" He asked teasingly, his thrusts gaining more strength as if to underline his statement. "Stuff you full of my cum, make you leak it and mess up the sheets.." He continues, hand reaching between the two of you to find your clit. "just to make love to you over and over again. I wanna make you cry." He gritted out, suddenly moving you around face down. He pulled up your lower body, entering you again, gliding in easily with the amount of slick you were leaking. "And you'd take it wouldn't you?" He asks, making you nod and groan out as he grows more desperate, faster, harder- throwing you off the edge but never stopping. "You're gonna take it until I cum, don't you dare move away from me." He scolds, holding you tightly, making you gasp out in overstimulation as he continues on, chasing his own high.

He reaches it with a loud groan, burying himself deep inside as he holds you, peppering kisses onto your spine. "I love you, hm.." He whispers out. "So good, so pretty.. all mine.." He huffs, simply falling onto the mattress with you in his arms, cock still buried inside you.

There was a moment of silence, until he spoke again. "I really do mean it though." He said earning only a tired humm from you. He simply chuckled at that, holding you close as he decided to maybe bring that topic up when the timing was a bit better.

For once, he felt like a normal person. Right next to you, in your arms, as you turned around to pull him close, burying your face into his chest.

Right where he belonged.

#jeon jungkook imagine #jeon jungkook #jungkook imagine #jk imagine #jungkook x reader #bts imagine #mafia bts #mafia jungkook #bts smut #jungkook smut

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caffeineaddicted-noonie · 3 years ago

Note

Hello i hope you're having a great day and i wanted to ask for a matchup! Creepypasta romantic :)

I'm an enfp and december capricorn, idrk know what my sexuality is but any gender is fine! I'm around 170 cm i think,

Ive got shoulder length blue hair, green eyes and i'm a bit chubby, i like to wear comfortbale stuff so im mostly just in my pajamas all day lol but if i go out id like to look cool in a fairy grunge type of way yk

Personality;

I'm a pretty chill person, tho i can get annoyed fast (for example; if id be in a relationship with someone i wouldnt mind cuddles etc but if theyd want to be affectionate all the time id be a bit annoyed by that lol) so like yk there are some boundaries, im pretty much down to do anything fun either at night or in daytime it doesnt realky matter as long if its fun im both introverted and extroverted it depends on the situstion and who i'm with lol but overall ig im nice 😋

Stuff i like;

I'm gonna try and keep this short since i could go on and on about stuff i like haha

Art (drawing, digital art)

Music

Reading

Crochet

Greek mythology>

Sleeping ( i sleep alot so cuddling would be nice)

Playing videogames (fnaf, sally face, genshin impact, etc)

Cosplaying

My fav type of activities to do;

Walking around forests and listening to music

Theme parks>>>

Ice skating when there are barely any people

Swimming ( going to a beach or just in a river)

Swinging on swinfs at night its so comforting

Sleeping

watching series, anime, movies

My fav food is vegetable or chicken soup, pancakes and sushi! Its kinda basic but its so good, i love to talk about my interests like greek mythology alot so someone that would listen to that woukd be so nice, i'm not a very energetic person at day so i usually just vibe in my bed all day or i go out and do some fun stuff but jts different at nighttime so i'm usually up at night and vibe while drawing stuff :)

I hope this isnt too much i tried to keep it short 😰 so im sorry if its a bit long! But anyway thank you in advance! <3

ORAITY! Hemlo! I‘m sorry this took a long tme to post, it’s mainly because of I was unsure to match you up with who. Brain conflict? Maybe :D But it’s fine bc know it is complete! Yep! Now here it is

I MATCH YOU UP WITH

BEN DROWNED 👾

maybe it takes a moment log 1 - friends🌹

+ Ben and you, freinds. How? + Breakfast, cereals, you two. On a Monday morning, during breakfast, a single cereal box stood in the almost empty kitchen cupboard. Two pairs of eyes watched it. They look at each other. One had wheat blond hair and the other had blue hair. They both wondered if the cereal was enough for both. The blond looked at the other for a moment before walking towards the cupboard to take it. He struggles a bit due to standing on his tippy toes. After managinbg to grab it, two bowls were in his hands and he puts them down on the counter. He looks into the cereal bowl and sees that it’s quite enough. Ben pours the cereal equaly into the two bowls. He looks at you again and remembers about the milk. Masky had used it yesterday when baking bread (yes, Masky bakes, my hcs :D) He sighs. ”Can you check if there’s uh any milk in the fridge?” he asks you. ”yeap,” you replied. Upon opening the fridge, you were greeted with no milk. You sigh, ”no milk,” He groans *Damn you Masky* You two ended up eating with no milk.. + The both of you meet again when wanting to watch TV Noonie exited the TV room with a yawn. It was 11.45 pm. ”Right on time..C’mon, head to sleep,” Masky told her. She nods sleepily. The sounds of footsteps were heard heading towards the door to the TV room. A blue haored girl sat on the couch, her hands were on the TV remote. She was changing channels, nothing interesting was on at this time. Her friend left to sleep. The girl wasn’t really sleepy yet. Her attention shifted towards the door when the sound of the door nob being turned was heard. A blond boy was seen entering, ”Mind if I join you? I can’t really sleep..” You nodded, ”Sure..honestly, i have nothing to watch so..here,” you handed him the remote. He took it and sat a few inces a way from you. He immediately put on Animal Planet. His eyes were somewhat dazzled by the otters that were on the screen. You noticed and ask, ”You love animals?” He nodded, too focus on the show. You smiled slightly, ”So, Animal Crossing?” He looks at you, ”You play?” ”Yep,” ”Any others?” ”Yeah, Fnaf, Sally face, G.I etc etc” ”Cool…uh…what’s G.I?” ”Genshin Impact,” ”Ouhh, i don’t play it but I’ve seen it in youtube ads…heard it’s fun tho..” ”You should definitely play! I can teach you if you want to!” You told him eagerly. ”For real?” ”Yeah!” ”Ok, if you say so..sure,” + And friendship~ + Gaming with each other is a hobby. ”see you at 3 pm,” ”wait, wasn’t it at 4 pm?” ”…3 or 4?” ”What about 2? We could play Animal Crossing until 4 and continue with Genshin,” ”Sounds alright,” Noonie watches and wonders how could they play for so long + He’s not a big fan of greek mythology tho. ”Ares is Athena’s step bro?” ��Uh, accurately, half-brother” ”But then she has a brother?” ”Imma start the story-“ ”Please don’t” ”Ok…” He will listen tho! Just not the second time because his brain gets jammed a lot XD + He might asks you to read some books to him. Just don’t read him the book about Zelda. + He will binge with you! Totally will. Watch anything, and he’ll binge. ”Wanna watch Downton Abbey with me and Noonie?” ”You watch Downton Abbey???” ”yeah, who knew politics back then were handled more properly.” + If you draw anime, he’ll ask you to draw him as anime. He will I tell you. + I can see you two walking around the forest rocking to songs. Like, when he listens to any song, he goes wild. Melodies just get him. + Does he tease you? Sometimes eheh. Or should i say, it’s his habit lol

to see it bloom beautifully log 2 - love birds♥️

+ Ok, I- Noonie helped him confess. ”Spending time with you have made me realised that I love to do nothing more. I’d probably be bored to death. I don’t know what and how to say…just…your voice melts my heart, your eyes enchant me in the best ways. How I wish that every second was with you and only you. But here I am, speaking to you through writting. Straight to the point, you have my heart. I love you. Ben.” Noonie looks at you after reading his letter to them. ”Where is he?” you asked. ”He’s uh in his closet..” she says awkwardly. + You comfront him, calmly and comfortly. He admits his love for you. And you said ily <3 + Ah yes, adorableeee + When you ice skate, he usually watches you. Be’s not really good at skatibg and he’s a bit scared too, since under ice is water. If he wants to skate with you tho, he’ll want to do that in a ice rink. Very clumsy haha. You watched him as he skates for the first time in a few months. Ben holds on to the side railings as he tries to balance himself. You chuckle and skate to him. ”Grab my hand..” he looks at you and does so, ”Babe..i’m rusty,” he says ”You’ll get used to it!” + He would love to swing with you! Probably made one for you too + Please please take care of yourself when swimming. I beg you, he’s damn worried. But he won’t stop you tho. + He might look like he’s not interested in greek stuff, but he is. Even when he’s playing a game, he’ll listen to you. Because you’re fun, your voice is soothing and he loves you! + Theme parks! He loves going there for the stall games and the uh merry go round heh. Roller coaster is his fav too. Loves the thrill. + He always lay down with you at night. Whether you two are talking or you’re drawing or vibibg to songs, he’s there on the bed relaxing with you. + Overall, a promising relationship. He might be hard to get along or communicate at times but he tries to make it better for the both of you!

Sorry it took sooooo damn long @yosei1i! Apologies. Hope you have a great day and take care! Please leave a review or comment ^^

#creepypasta matchups #creepypasta #noonies writtings

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peacedolantwins · 5 years ago

Text

Resentment (G.D)

When you and Grayson first got together, it was like a dream come true. He was your prince charming ready to be everything you ever wanted, but instead of a horse and carriage, it was with a baby blue porshe.

He would pick you up and take you out just about anywhere. Theater, movies, fancy restaurants, anything. You weren’t in the relationship for the money and fancy things, you would have been just as happy watching netflix back at the house or just sitting in a park talking, but he always insisted on going out.

“A beautiful girl deserves beautiful things,” he would always say.

And while you knew the truth, any time the fans saw you two out somewhere expensive or going shopping, they were quick to call you a gold digger.

Grayson would see the comments and tweets and at first he just ignored them. But after a while, he started thinking.

Were you just with him for the money?

So he stopped.

He stopped buying you gifts, he stopped with fancy dinners, he stopped just about everything,

And you didnt mind. You didnt need fancy jewelry or clothes he would get you. As long as you got to spend time with him, the man who you loved, you didnt care.

But then things started to change.

When you two would hang out and you offered to go to the mall and walk around and maybe do some shopping he looked at you like you just offended him.

“Not Rodeo?” he raised a brow.

“I mean, if there was something you wanted to buy there, we can go.” You really werent a fan of going there since everything was way more than you could afford on your own. But if he had planned on buying something, you were okay with going with. You could go to the mall later.

So you two went and he was quick to head straight to the designer stores. You two separated while in the store. While he was picking out things he could actually afford to buy, you were simply window shopping.

You lost track of time when you felt Grayson reach out and touch your arm. Thats when you noticed he already paid.

“You already paid?” you glanced at the bag.

“Yeah, you didnt buy anything?”

“No?” you were confused about why he was asking. You never bought anything when you came to stores like this. You werent about to drop your rent check on something that honestly looked kind of ugly in your opinion.

“Hm figures,” he rolled his eyes at you.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing, lets go,” he walked ahead of you, leaving you to follow after him.

It went on like this for over a month, him making small remarks when you wouldnt drop an insane amount of money for something. But you got used to it. You didnt let it get to you. Until he did something you thought he would never do.

You woke up late after having spent the night with Grayson in your apartment to find your jewelry box open. You figured you must have forgotten to close it the last time you put something in and you shrugged it off and got ready for the day.

But as you did your makeup you couldnt help but feel something was wrong. You walked over to the box and thats when you noticed it.

The box was nearly empty.

A few of your earings and a few bracelets were there but all of the jewelry Grayson had gotten over the course of your relationship was gone.

And so was your grandmothers ring she left to you.

You started looking around, thinking maybe Grayson might have knocked the box over this morning and everything just fell out, but there was nothing on the floor anywhere. You were starting to panic when you heard your front door open and saw Grayson come in.

“Grayson did you knock over my jewelry this morning?”

“You mean the jewelry I paid for?”

“Sure, whatever, yeah, but did you knock it over?” You didn’t even care about the remark about him paying for it all, you just needed to know what happened.

“I pawned it,” he said casually.

“You what?” you felt your heart drop.

“Its not like you wore it anyway.” While that was true, its not like you didnt wear it because you didnt like it. You had a tendency to lose everything and you werent about to risk losing a bracelet over a thousand dollars while going to the grocery store.

“Did you take my ring?”

“Which one?”

“Grayson this isnt funny! Did you take my ring? The one with the diamond?” you were scared to hear his answer.

“The one I got you? Yeah.”

“You didnt get me that one, Grayson! That was my grandmothers ring! You have to get it back!” you were beyond upset right now.

“So you seriously want me to go buy you the ring now?” he asked annoyed.

“It wasn’t yours to sell! Why would you even take it!”

“Well you better get to it before someone buys it,” he shrugged.

You looked at him in complete shock. You couldnt care less about the other jewelry, but that ring was important to you. It was the one thing you had left from the woman you spent the majority of your childhood with since your parents were always working.

“Grayson, I cant afford to buy it back!” you had gotten it appraised when you first got it and when you found out how much it was worth, you never wore it.

“Then figure it out!” He couldn’t believe how you were acting about it. Hes worn a full outfit that costs more than that ring so he didnt understand why it was such an issue.

You looked at him in complete shock.

“Unbelievable.” you muttered as you slipped on your shoes and you were out the door as soon as you had the address to the store he took it to.

You quickly found it, driving probably more than the speed limit and parked. You walked in and the man behind the counter asked if he could help you find something. After describing the ring to him he motioned you over to one of the cases.

“Yes! That one, how much is it?” you tried to mentally prepare yourself for the price he was about to say.

“That one is going to be $7,899.”

You closed your eyes and did your best to stop the tears from forming. You knew you couldnt even put it on your credit card because you had a $2,500 limit set.

“Would you be able to hold it for me? Just for today while I go to the bank,” you pleaded with him.

“The most I can give you is until four today,” he explained.

You quickly glanced at the clock behind him and started to panic. It was already twelve, and you knew the bank was closed until one, which meant you had two and a half hours at the most to go and get the loan you needed to buy it back.

“Ill be back in by then,” you gave him your information and you started your drive to the bank.

Once you arrived you sat in your car and did your best to keep your composure as you waited for it to open back up. As soon as the clock hit one you practically ran in and waited for one of the employees to tend to you.

A kind looking woman came from the back rooms and called your name and introduced herself as the person who would be helping you.

She had you fill out paperwork and once you were done she put all the information into the computer. She said it would take a little while for the credit report to come in and she left you sitting there in her office while she went elsewhere.

It was already 2:15.

It was three o’clock when she came back in and told you it all went through and you were approved. You rushed through the final paperwork with a few signatures where needed and you were out the door and driving back to the pawn shop.

You quickly found the same man who helped you from earlier and you bought back the ring.

When you got to your apartment building you sat in your car with your head resting on the steering wheel.

Looks like you were back to living the same way you did through college. Ramen noodles and cereal for every meal from now on.

You glanced around the parking lot and noticed the stupid baby blue car was no where around. Good, because you didn’t want to deal with him right now.

The next few days you found yourself at the restaurant you worked at picking up every shift you could. You had been ignoring calls from Grayson and Ethan too once he started calling you.

You didn’t have time to deal with any of them. You had an eight thousand dollar loan to pay back.

It wasn’t until the two of them walked into the restaurant and got seated in your section when you had to finally deal with them.

“Hi my name is Y/n, I’m gonna be your server today, can I get you something to drink?”

“Y/n? It’s us you don’t have to be all hospitality with us,” Ethan was confused as to why you were being so formal with them.

“We have water, tea, and pepsi products,” you placed the menus in front of them.

“Um, just water, babe-“ Grayson looked up at you and for the first time in days he noticed how exhausted you looked. You were running on fumes and he could see it.

“Great, I’ll be right back with your drinks,” you quickly walked off to get the drinks.

“Dude what’s up with her?” Ethan asked his brother.

“I don’t know, I know we had a fight a few days ago but I thought she’d be over it by now,” he explained.

“Here you go,” you placed their water down in front of them, “and did we need more time to look at the menu or are you ready to order?”

“Y/n, stop it-“ Neither of the boys liked how you were acting towards them.

“Don’t worry, take your time, I’ll be back in a few minutes,” you walked away again.

“Gray, what did you do?” Ethan had never seen you this way. You were being so cold and lifeless despite the fake smile and cheery voice you had slapped on.

“I accidentally pawned one of her rings,” Grayson explained.

“Why did you… what ring? Doesn’t she only have the one her grandma left her?”

“I didn’t know,” Graymuttered more to himself.

“You didn’t…” Ethan stared at him in shock. “Are you serious! That would be like her pawning the ring dad left us! Did you get it back for her?” Ethan knew how much that ring meant to you. And from the few times he saw it, he had a general idea of how much it cost.

His brothers silence was all he got but it was enough to let him know the answer.

“Where did you sell it? Fucking hell Grayson! Why wouldn’t you get it back!” Ethan was ready to walk out of the restaurant right now and go buy it back for you since his idiot of a brother didn’t do it himself.

“I went back later and it was already gone okay! I tried!”

“How much did you get for it?” He questioned.

“About six and a half thousand.”

“Well you gave her the money right? Maybe she went and bought it back,” Ethan was trying to be hopeful of the situation.

Silence again.

“Grayson you didn’t even give her the money?” Ethan knew you weren’t made of money and knew how much you made. Which meant he knew there was no way you could have afforded to buy it back yourself.

“Have we made a decision yet?” You appeared out of what seemed like nowhere.

“Just a salad for both of us, babe talk to me please,” Grayson knew he fucked up and he didn’t know how to make it better.

“I’ll go ahead and send that in, any appetizers while you wait?”

“No, Y/n please,” Grayson covered your hand with his.

“I’ll be back with your order,” you pried your hand away gently, not wanting to cause a scene.

What you didn’t know was that your manager was standing close by and saw someone touch one of his employees. And most restaurants didn’t care much about the workers being hit on or made uncomfortable, but he cared about his employees.

Once he saw you leave to take the order to the kitchen, he went up to the table.

“Excuse me,” he crouched down next to the table, “I’m the manager here and I’m not going to have you harassing my employees. If I see anything like that again, you’re out of here. Enjoy your meal.” He patted the table and went off to find you.

“Y/n, I’m giving your table to Erin, take one of hers,” he gestured to the two boys in your section.

“No it’s okay, I can handle it,” you would much rather deal with the twins than the group of kids who looked like they were coming in for homecoming.

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve had worse than someone trying to hold my hand, I’ve got it,” you assured him.

“Okay, you let me know if he tries something again,” he looked at you.

“Yes sir,” you mock saluted him at which he rolled his eyes.

You went and checked on the other tables in your section and felt Graysons eyes on you the whole time. You eventually went and took them their salads and asked if they needed anything, but you left before they could answer.

Eventually they asked for the bill and you brought it out, more than happy to have them gone. You returned their card and waited for them to leave before going to clean up the table.

It was then that you saw the giant tip they left.

$500 in cash.

They carried more on them then you made in a week.

You grabbed it and passed by your manager and quickly explained they left something behind that you were going to return to them before following them out the front door.

“Grayson!” You called after him.

“Y/n, look I’m so sorry about-“ he started.

“Can I see your keys really quick?” You cut him off

He handed them over, confused as to why you were asking for his keys. But then he saw you sliding your key off the key ring.

“Y/n no, please don’t,” he knew what this meant.

You tossed him back his keys before you took the money out of your apron and slamming it to his chest.

“That should be enough for the price of my key back.”

With that you walked back into the restaurant and slapped the fake smile back on your face. While you really could have used the five hundred dollars, you were not going to let him try to feel better about what he did.

No amount of money he tried to spend on you now could fix the damage already done.

Pls like/comment/reblog I need validation

@pgm-dolan @dolandolll @dolanshellyes @mysecretsaremydemons @mmmmmgd @ethandolxns @dolantwinsfavss @knee-deep-in-feels @godlydolans @dolanstwintuesday @sarcasm-at-its-finest2444 @fandomsfeministsandothershit @graydolan12 @ilsolee @inlovewithethandolan @someonedoingnothing @vintagebitttch @sunshinedolantwins @chonisberonica @ardordolan @ethantasy @wasabisama331 @graysavant @atlas-of-a-human-soul @wolfpuppii009

#ethan dolan #grayson dolan #dolan twins #grayson dolan fanfiction #grayson dolan imagine #grayson dolan fic #grayson dolan angst #dolan twins angst #ethan dolan fanfiction #ethan dolan fic #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan angst #dolan twins fic #dolan twins fanfic #dolan twins fanfiction #grayson dolan fanfic #ethan dolan fanfic #fic #mine

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nico-idc · 4 years ago

Text

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me�� and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

youtube

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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coinofstone · 4 years ago

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2x10 Sweet Dreams

Arthur's turn for a forced romance. At least his is actually forced and the episode is funny. Still, two back to back is 😬

Rulers of the five kingdoms yet no mention of Cenred or Odin. Actually we only ever see two kings besides Uther in this ep.

Destiny and chicken!

Whyyyyyyyyyyy did they need to drag Gwen into this. What benefit is there to playing with her like this? Merlin said it best really, anyone who insults Gwen does so at their own peril and frankly this entire episode insults her far too much.

Uther's gotta be watching Arthur claim his undying love for Vivian like "oh hell, not again"

The dragon laughing at Merlin is one of my favorite things in this entire show.

Not for nothing but if this spell needed true love's kiss, Merlin could've solved it a lot easier 😂

Actually on that note, I do love the kiss that breaks the spell. The progression from wtf to romantic and then Arthur's sudden ability to feel the pain he's actually in.

Lady Vivian forever stuck in love with Arthur because there's no one to break her enchantment.

Audio commentary with ppl who cannot be bothered to introduce themselves, apparently. Angel, Bradley, the director Alice and Jeremy? I think? I legitimately don't know who the other guy is.

Oh my GOD how am I ONLY JUST NOW REALIZING that Lady Vivian is Georgia Tennant holy fuckballs

Bradley doesn't like his crown! I don't blame him tbh it doesn't really sit right on his head.

Why did I think eating crunchy cereal while watching this with commentary was a good idea.

Omg so wait, Bradley's mum was on set for a visit during this ep, and on a different day, David Tennant came and directed an ad-lib (no audio) scene of Georgia and Angel walking. Genuinely tho, I'm floored that I didn't realize it was Georgia. I've watched this like six times and I'm only just now realizing this for the first time.

Talking about the bit where Arthur slaps Merlin, and Bradley says he kept holding back cuz "he's only tiny" as if Colin isn't actually an inch or two taller than him.

Destiny and chicken is my favorite line too, Director Alice!

So wait... there was a line in where King Alined says he's almost attracted to Arthur himself, and it's played for a laugh - but whoever male-voice-that-isnt-Bradley is says they had a battle keeping it in?!?! How homophobic was the BBC ten years ago? Jesus.

Bradley cracking fat jokes on Angel. Not cool.

But then he goes on to comment on how he prefers the constant changing behind the screen as opposed to 'gratuitous' topless scenes in previous episodes 😂

JULIAN! MYSTERY MALE HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED

They're being gross about the scene of Georgia and Bradley kissing. Everyone's making jokes except Angel. I get it's fun and like, what else are you gonna say in a commentary with one half of the kissing couple but, they take it too far.

Bradley really showing his whole ass in this commentary. Saying he relates to the scene where a you've done something wrong without knowing you've done something wrong and then a girl comes up and has a go at you. ... like yes, we get it, you're an idiot. Stop being proud of that.

They make a lot less jokes about the kiss between Arthur and Gwen but they still have a go at it- but Alice speaks of what a great moment it is for Gwen. Cuz Gwen really saves the day here. And honestly the director seemed to be really supportive of Gwen in general, which is something considering I thought the episode was really unfair to her in a lot of ways. Though I guess it goes to show it could've been handled worse.

#bbc merlin #bbc merlin spoilers #merlin #merlin spoilers #merthur #2x10 #bbc merlin 2x10 #merlin 2x10 #sweet dreams #onceandfuturerewatch

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queermediastudies · 5 years ago

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Milk - It’s not just for cereal anymore.

Milk, is a biographical film based on the life of Harvey Milk, who was the first openly gay San Francisco politician, who was gunned down by a disgruntled city supervisor. This film was also not just about the life of Harvey Milk, it was also a film that depicted the time frame in which he lived in, the 1970’s, a time where men and women came together to fight the injustice and inequality that was being levied against the population of the city of San Francisco, and across the United States of America. The film follows the last few years of Supervisor Milk’s life, starting on his 40th birthday and follows him to his 48th birthday, as well as following his endeavor to incite change and provide for not only the LGBTQ community, but for everyone (seniors, minority, kids, and heterosexuals). Milk is the story of leaving a mark on society, and helping cause change that would affect the lives of the people around you.

The film originally started to gain traction when Oliver Stone showed interesting producing the film, in early 1991 (Gus Van Sant); however, after signing a director in 1992, the film production fell on hard times in 1993 and was not revisited until 2007, when Van Sant wanted revisit the biopic. Before filming, Harvey Milk’s life was heavily researched, and many one of the sources used to recreate the life of Supervisor Milk was the GLBT Historical Society in San Francisco, his personal belongings, as well as speaking with people who knew the City Supervisor. With several weeks of photographs, researching film, video, historic textiles and other resources ( The Times of Harvey Milk, a documentary that was released in 1984, directed by Rob Epstein, was a huge resource) Milk started filming until January 2008, after a second project, helmed by Brian Singer, met its demise due to a writer strike.

Milk provided a look into the life of the first openly gay city supervisor in San Francisco, however the cast was made up of primarily of a heterosexual cast. At the time, this was seen to be common place for Hollywood, however as the times are changing there is the potential for blow back of having a heterosexual actor portraying an openly gay politician. Was the issue of representation at the time? Or was it as Dr. Martin states “cisgender heterosexuals are “brave” in taking on roles different from themselves” (Martin, 2018)?

While the main plot point of Milk was that of equal rights for gays and lesbians, the production company responsible strayed from the belief that City Supervisor Milk strived for. Was the film more successful or successful because of the actors that were picked to portray their on-screen versions of their real-life counter parts? While the performances that were delivered in a manner that would be considered believable, if not true to the real man that the film was based off, were there not other actors capable of giving authentic performances as well. This topic is something that has just, in the last decade or so started coming to light, the casting of heterosexual actors/actresses. This has been a hot topic as there has not be fair representation of the LGBTQ community on television or film, but there is change coming, this change is due, and slow to come. With equality balancing slowly for the LGBTQ community, more and more actors/actresses have been accepted in larger and larger films, they are no longer bottom of the barrel actors/actresses in mediocre movies, or low budget straight to DVD movies.

youtube

While watching the film, I also had noticed that there were minorities being represented in the film as well, but once again they were being represented by cisgendered heterosexual males. This did not bode well for LGBTQ community members who are a minority. While there was minority representation in the film, again the bigger roles were filled by the heterosexual actors, and unfortunately there was no way for me to ascertain if any of the smaller actors (extras) were of the LGBTQ community. However, as progress is being made with equality for those of LGBTQ community, the biggest being that members of the of the LGBTQ community are being included, nay, not included but being placed in positions on where they have the ability to put real life back into art. More importantly, they are putting themselves, their culture, on to the screen. In away they are educating masses, they are providing information on what was one considered to be a taboo, disgusting life style. As Milk took a chance to show us life back in the 1970s for members of the LGBTQ community had to face, but as mentioned before, progress has been made. Take for example, the show Pose, has been taking strides and advances to create equality at one level. “But there is something transgressive about what Pose is doing” (Fallon, 2018), they are placing trans actors in main roles, they are placing them in the writing rooms; Ryan Murphy, creator of show, chose a cast of actors and actresses who are breaking ground and creating a foothold in territory controlled by the heteronormativity. Murphy placed Janet Mock, the first openly trans woman of color, not just in the writing room for Pose, but also behind the camera allowing her to direct an episode of the popular show.

Now, as the bard say, here in lies the rub; the creation of shows and film that cast LGBTQ members, placing them in staring rolls, are great educational tools that don’t require the violence that has been exposed in the past. The history, the hate, the animosity that the people have faced is something that cannot be erased; more importantly it is something that can be untaught, but it will take time and patience. As the Stonewall riots brought a physical stand, the line that drawn in the sand so to speak, about equality rights; shows like Pose are just a new face on a prolonged battle equality. In the third chapter of Stonewall and Beyond, it was brought to our, no my attention that there were shows in the past that were attempting to make the same head way as Pose, “the success of the 1972 TV movie That Certain Summer drew the attention of activists because of the potential it demonstrated for television to reach national audiences” (Gross,2002,p.43). This allowed for more people to become aware of the issues that men and women of the LGBTQ community were facing, I say this in the sense that it opened the eyes of millions to the fact that there were people hiding their true selves from the rest of the world, because of fear and persecution.

Watching Milk unfold on the screen in front of me has opened my eyes about a lot of things, and being a person who has seen themselves as a neutral party for my those of my friends who are of the LGBTQ community, I find myself trying to find a reason as to why people need to be afraid of difference. I am a minority, a member of the heterosexual norm, so to speak, of a near complete college education. I find that to me; it is neither my sexuality or my skin color that influences my engagement on this topic. It is, the education that I experienced in the real world. I have friends, I have served with men and women, who are members of the LGBTQ community; and it is from those men and women that I have learned my lessons. As a friend to these men and women, equality is starting to play a big factor into my understanding on how society runs and how we a species, are so willing to draw a line in the sand and shun people are on the other side of that line. Critically, looking at the movie, I am some what dismayed that Milk did not take the time to break more barriers at the time. Opening the door on a politically charged topic like equal rights, would have been a great platform on which one could have chosen actors who were of the LGBTQ community to be the cast of characters, creating a stronger foothold for which to spread the word of equality. Despite that, Milk was a great film, the story telling was complied with real new reel footage that was shot during the time of Harvey Milk’s rise and untimely fall, added more of a personal touch to the film, as well as having an actor who bore a similar resemblance to the late Harvey Milk. In the end, consuming Milk opened my eyes to one thing that has been, until recently, and that is “writers seem to continue you balk at the idea that queer characters of color are deserving of dynamic and standalone narratives” (Leiva, 2017). The research and writing that went into developing this film did not leave out any of the characteristics of Jack, portraited by Diego Luna, as Milk’s second lover in the film, who suffered from serious depression, alcoholism and suicidal thoughts. While, Sean Penn delivered an award-winning performance, and being able to humanize the character so that people unfamiliar with the plight of the LGBTQ community and the on-going battle for equality had a better connection to the story and struggle.

Jr, A. L. M. (2018, August 2). Pose(r): Ryan Murphy, Trans and Queer of Color Labor, and the Politics of Representation. Retrieved from https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/poser-ryan-murphy-trans-queer-color-labor-politics-representation/.

Gross, L. P. (2002). Up from invisibility: lesbians, gay men, and the media in America. New York: Columbia University Press.

Fallon, K. (2018, June 1). 'Pose' Isn't Just Great TV. It's Making Trans History. Retrieved from https://www.thedailybeast.com/pose-isnt-just-great-tv-its-making-trans-history.

Leiva, L. (2017) TV Is Getting More Progressive, But It's Still Failing Queer People Of Color. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.bustle.com/p/tv-is-getting-more-progressive-but-its-still-failing-queer-people-of-color-64520.

#milk #harvey milk #LGBT Rights #lgbtq community #lgbtq history #sanfrancitizens

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nie7027 · 6 years ago

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Super5 headcanons pt 2

Edit: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Minegishi can only stare

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"What do you care?"

"Why are you here?"

"I was bored"

Shimazaki could be here to kill him for betraying him but Minegishi is too tired for this and there are dishes to wash.

In the time it takes him to do the dishes and calm down his plants, shimazaki falls asleep so he goes to the living to room to get a better look at the man

Shimazaki looks almost the same except maybe a bit thinner and with possible hollower eyes. The crooked nose is definitely new. A crooked nose?? Did he broke his nose at some point?? He is even wearing the same clothes as last time. His precious jacket ripped at the edges. Scorching marks and bullet holes here and there.

With a long sigh he takes out his phone, turns off the volume and opens the super3 chat(the too spicy for Seris innocent eyes). The messages start to come in rapidly

Minegishi: Shimazaki is back

Hatori: what

Hatori: what do you mean Shimazaki is back???

Shibata: how did he find us? Did he try to fight you?

Minegishi: i mean he is asleep on my couch. No, he just ate all of my cereal.

Shibata: what the fuck?

Hatori: what the fuck?

Minegishi what the fuck indeed

Shibata: did he say what he wants? Do you know why is he here?

Minegishi: He didnt talk and I dont know

Hatori: what do we do?

Minegishi:

Minegishi: i dont know.

Minesishi: i cant make any calls or else he could wake up and seri isnt logged in so can someone call him and tell him whats going so they can take the necessary precautions

Shibata: im on it

Shibata: hatori is freaking out in his room anyway. I think he is begginin to build a security system.

Minegishi: ...

Shibata: yeah yeah ill go calm him after i talk with Seri.

Minegishi stares at his phones and then at the man on his couch, he cant blame them. Shimazaki is a really dangerous person and they dont know what he is doing here. Minegishi just wanted to do the dishes, water his plants and go to sleep.

The super5 will never know but Shimazaki wasnt lying per se. He WAS bored.

After he ran away from the fight against seasoning city espers he hid here and there taking his sweet time at recovering and once he did(his nose still felt strange but he ignored it) he started to look at what to do.

He joined many criminal organizations, afterall a teletransporter was very valued in the underworld. But not matter how petty or big the crime was, he got bored. So he ended leaving all of them. he even left some in the middle of a important job, not caring whether his employers got caught or not( it was their fault for being stupid and not having a backup plan anyway)

After some months of this he realized he was bored of normal criminals. He was bored of normal persons with narrowed mindsets who conformed with just comitting stupid crimes. HE HAD BEEN PART OF A PLAN TO TAKE THE WORLD and now he was trafficking some drug?? Lame.

Most of all he missed the thrilling sensation of being surrounded with persons that could actually put a fight against him. So he searched for something alike to claw, an organization of espers.

His search turned out fruitless and he decided then he should return to where all started. Claw. It was time to pay a visit to his expartners.

It took him just a week to locate them. It would have took him just a day but he was finally having some fun and god he was gonna drag it all he could.

So here he was in a tiny empty apartment, the crazy amount of plants with a certain aura being the only indication that it belonged to Minegishi...WHERE THE HELL WAS HE? Oh well. He had been waiting for a year. He could wait a little more. In any case in his hurry to get here he forgot to eat and he could hear a fridge running.

Shimazaki, still on the sofa, wakes up the next day at the sound of a blender. He is being held in place, bounded by lots and lots of thick green vines and sturdy roots from which he easily frees himself. The moment he does so the noise at the kitchen stops and an annoyed minegishi steps out. Shimazaki can feel him tensing, preparing for an attack and that makes him smirk .

Until an alarm clock goes off that makes Minegishi mutter a curse

"If you are gonna do something do it now. I have better things to do and i have to go now"

"Better things to do?? What can possibly be better than this??"

"I have work so if you are gonna just stand there and smirk be my guest"

"Work?"

"Yeah, work. you know? That thing you do for a living and that contributes to society? Fuck it.You probably dont. Anyway i gotta go" Turning his back on shimazaki is probably the worst idea but he couldnt sleep at all, he is late and he hasnt had breakfast so if shimazaki wants to kill him he will gladly accept it.

He miraculously manages to exit his apartment and make it to his work. He only hopes theres an apartment to come back later.

Shimazaki can only stare increduously to where minegishis used to stand. 'Work'? 'Contribute to society'? THE FUCK WAS HE BABBLING ABOUT this was completely unexpected and he doesnt know what to do until he notices theres a smell coming from the kitchen where Minegishi left his untouched breakfast. Well he supposes he can muse how to proceed over breakfast.

Hatori isnt allowed to use his phone at work but he is too anxious to care and he has powers to do it without anybody noticing

Spicy3 chat

Hatori: how did it went?

Minegishi: ...well...i guess?? I am alive and my flat was still in one piece last time i saw it

Hatori: he didnt try anything?

Minegishi: he woke up when it was time for me to go...so i just kinda left

Shibata: you just left? He didnt try to stop you???

Minegishi: no

Minegishi:but i think...

Hatori: WHAT

Shibata:what

Minegishi: i think he is...tired.

Minegishi: I bound him while he was sleeping and he never woke up nlr stirred. He didnt notice.

Hatori: weird

Minegishi: i know. Worst of all i couldnt eat and i have 2 hours more left until my break.

Shibata: i can pass on my way to gym and sneak you something

Minegishi: thanks

Hatori: if you want you can hang in our apartment for the time being. We still need to know what he wants

Shibata: yeah, and if he shows up we can fight him together💪

Minegishi: if Seri asks, everything is under control

It takes a week for Shimazaki to finally show up. Meanwhile Minegishi has to use Hatoris and Shibatas washing machine to wash his work uniform daily(it can get very dirty when you work in a flower shop) because his other sets of uniform are back at his place trapped with Shimazaki. So is his money and he has to lend some from Hatoris and shibatas and ask his boss for an advencement in his payment. He hates Shimazaki more now.

They cant do anything but stare blankly when he suddenly shows up in the middle of the living room where they were eating pizza holding an empty box of cereal and says "Theres no more food back there and i want more of these but i cant see how they are called" while pointing at the box.

Sometimes its very easy to forget he is actually blind. Hatori weakly says the name of the branch of cereal he is holding and Shimazaki dissapears again before anybody can say anything.

"Did everybody saw what i just saw right??what the fuck? What the fuck?" shibata exclaims

"...my food"minegishi laments

Its not until an hour of wondering what was that and wracking their brain for an asnwer after that shimazaki returns, a brand new box of the cereal in his hands. He picks up a slice of the forgotten pizza and sits besides Shitaba.

"You didnt pay for that did you?" asks Shitaba

Shimazaki just turns around and stares st him with his hauntingly empty eyes "you too?"

"PAY? WORK? CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY? THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU"

"Weve changed"

"Yeah we have jobs and stuff, we help peopl"

"YOU HAVE SUPERPOWERS! WHY ARE YOU EVEN WORKING?"

"TO NOT PARASITE ON OTHERS HARD WORK LIKE SOME PEOPLE IN HERE" finally explodes Minegishi

The man frowns and rapidly done with the conversation teleports away.

Minegishi finally returns to his place, his web of plants telling him Shimazaki isnt there anymore. Re stashing his fridge and cabinet is a pain in the ass.

Shimazakis plan had been to either find his expartners and form something alike to Claw with them or just antagonize them until he gets the fight he so much craves. None of that has happened because all of them had turned to a bunch of weakling pussies and he cant even find Serizawa.

He could still try to fight them but he bitterly realizes he wont get any satisfaction of beating them if they keep acting like that, restraining themselves and trying to be civil as if they werent the same persons that destroyed this very city a year ago. It would be like punching flowers!

The point was to get rid of his boredness and now he is just angry!

He needs them to drop the act.

Thats when a plan starts to form in his head and he smirks. He is going to show them what they are missing on.

Thats how he finds himself back in minegishis apartment.

"Im just saying you could probably grow tons of weed, good quality of course. And i take care of the transport i know a bunch of people-"

"Weed? Are you serious? Is this why you came back? To start a drug trafficking bussines?"

"Im just saying with my teletransporting abilities and yourplant thing we could save lots of money in transport and become richer than-"

"No"

"AREN YOU TIRED OF THIS? OF SHITTY CUSTOMERS GETTING YOU IN TROUBLE JUST BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOW RAINBOW ROSES DONT NATURALLY EXIST?"

"WHERE YOU SPYING ME AT WORK?"

"MAYBE SO"

"DONT DO IT AND STOP EATING ALL MY FOOD"

He then tries with shibata, approaching him during one of his morning running routines. Teletransporting every 2 meters at his side while he keeps running clearly ignoring him

"With your force, not that i need it, we could terrorize all the bussines of a whole prefecture and force them to pay for protection. We win, they win"

"Not interested"

"Why not?! It would be so easy"

"I dont want to"

"Could you stop running? This is important"

"No thanks"

"You arent even listening!"

"Good"

He finally tries with Hatori thinking he would be the easiest of them

"You hack the system and we force all those politicians to pay us to not release all their dirty secrets"

"I am busy"

"No you are not. You are playing mario kart. I can hear Yoshi"

"Ive changed"

"Have you? Really???" at this point Shimazaki raises an eyebrow, he is so done and he wont keeo with this bullshit "because everywhere i have been, and i have been everywhere, the interpol, cia, you name it HAS BEEN AFTER ME whereas you three can waltz into a store like nobodys bussiness. WE COMMITED THE SAME CRIME. WE DESTROYED THIS CITY so how come im the only one being persecuted? Huh? You think I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU DID"

Hatori pauses the game and glares at him. Good, he is finally getting a reaction.

" i did what had to be done and i wont let YOU of all people tell me-"

"Me? Of all people? You believe yourself so grand and high when you are nothing but THE SAME AS ME" immediately shimazaki feels hatoris aura flare. what must have been his console shifting and changing into something new. Whatever it is, he is sure he can block it.

"Really? You are gonna fight me? I want to see you-" a horrible sound like nothing he had ever heard before pierces his ears making him howl in pain and he teleports away.

After that accident shimazaki never mentions Hatoris dirty secret again but that doesnt stop him from keep trying to get them to commit felonies again.

He thinks he once "saw" Serizawa on the street but his aura was quickly eaten by the aura of the person by his side. He didnt stayed to find out and quickly teleported away.

And this goes like this for 3 months, his proposals becoming more and more desesperate until one day he just... gives up.

Shimazaki should have left or killed them months ago but for some reason he prefers to stay here. He wont admit it but hes having more fun living on their couches annoying them than what he would have had they accepted his proposals.

He takes special delight in annoying them when they had hard days. (Minegishi comes home covered in something stinky and almost strangles shimazaki with his own hands after he comments this wouldnt have happened if he had accepted to traffick weed in a yacht with him)

...besides he has noticed that now in both apartments there is always a box of his favourite cereal (hatori sweared it was the cereal what placated Shimazaki given how docile he was whenever he was seen eating it, shibata and minegishi just liked it)

The super3 cant believe it themselves but they have now gotten used to the constant presence of Shimazaki in their lives (which isnt surprising given they spent at least 3 years together).

Well constant is a way to put it because the man still has the habit of dissapearing 3-5 days every once in a while and reappearing like nothing happened

But they know this cant keep going like this and thats how minegishi finds himself texting the super3 chat one day he comes to an empty apartment

Minegishi: is shimazaki there?

Hatori: yeah, hes playing smash with shitaba

Minegishi: playing smash??

Hatori: its seems he learned the patron of my movements by observing me and now hes kicking Shitabas ass as princess peach

Minegishi: ?

Hatori: we told him he was playing bowser

Minegishi: whatever, tell him to bring his ass back. I need to go grocery shopping and i need his help

"Why would i help you grocery shopping?" says shimazaki suddenly to his right

At the same his phone sounds 2 times

Shibata: hatori said something to him and he just teleported

Shibata: is safe to assume he is with you?

Minegishi: yea, im taking charge from here

"Im teaching you to do grocery shopping"

"I dont need you to teach me shit"

" yes, you do if you want to keep eating that cereal you like and that you finished this morning"

Shimazaki raises his eyebrow, teleports and after 5 min returns with 5 boxes of the damn cereal in his arms

"There. Its done"

"DID YOU JUST ROBBED THEM? YOU CANT KEEP DOING THIS"

"WHY NOT? ITS EASIER"

"THATS NOT THE POINT"Minegishi stops, breathes amd tries again "Shimazaki you cant keep doing this and i dont mean just the whole robbing, i mean i dotn know what you do when you dissapear for days but when you are here you just eat our food, wait for us to come home from work and then annoy us?"

"So? I can do whatever i want"

"Do you realize how pathethic it sounds?Is this really all you want to do? Do you even know what you want to do?"

Shimazaki doesnt wanna hear anymore of that and teleports

He ends teleporting to a random alley where he passes the night

The next days his mood isnt any better and he spends them sleeping, terrorizing random deliquents he finds in his way and kicking bags of trash until one day of the "bags" lets out a yelp.

Its shibata who finds him some days later during one of his running routines when he follows the sound of a hurt dog

Expecting to see a bunch of nasty kids terrorizing a poor animal he steps up to confront them only to find his missing "friend" glaring at poor dog and screaming "STOP COMPLAINING ITS YOUR FAULT FOR NOT MOVING I DIDNT EVEN KICK YOU THAT HARD"

He texts a quickl "Found him" to the group chat and marches up to him

"You shouldnt be kicking random things in the first place"

"Get lost"

" are you sure you didnt kick him hard? He is limping and we both know your kicks arent exactly soft"

"If i had wanted, a limp would be the least of its problems" still he makes a face as if he isnt sure

With a sigh Shibata carefully picks up the dog and motions to shimazaki "theres a vet nearby. You kicked him so you own him that at least. Dont worry ill pay" he doesnt wait for Shimazakis response and walks, relief overflowing him once he hears footsteps behind him

The consult is quick and the vet gleefully hands shimazaki "his" dog while she explains to shibata the treatment they should follow the next three months

Shimazaki...had never in his life pet a dog, much less carried one. His fur feels dirty and is tangled everywhere but the vet said it just needs a bath. It is warm and he can feel and hear his steady breaths. His mental eye allows him to perceive the flowing of his blood, the currents in his brain, the beating of his heart...all what makes a living being held in his arms. Things he has always perceived but never payed attention. The fact that the dog starts to lick his hands doesnt go unnoticed and he feels strangely calm. His grip tightening.

They are about to exit the clinic, shibata saying his last thanks when a woman and a girl enter. That very moment the dog starts to squirm in his embrace. And he doesnt know what to do

"Hey are you alright? I can hold it if you want" asks shibata noticing his turmoil

" yeah, its just the stupid dog WHO HAS FORGOTTEN HE CANT WALK"

The girls who shibata notices has red puffy narrows her eyes and yells "DONT CALL HIM STUPID YOU ARE THE STUPID" before turning to look at shimazaki, whatever she was going to say next is forgotten as she stares with wide eyes.

Both the moms and shimazakis replies are drowned by the girl scream of "UESAMA! MOM ITS HIM ITS MY DOG"

For some reason shimazaki feels his blood run cold and lifts up the dog even more when the girl comes clashing at his legs desesperately trying to grab her dog

Shibata who noticed shimazakis earlier expression cant believe what hes seeing (please god, please tell me he isnt gonna fight a girl over a dog) when the vet decides to come out to see what is happening

"Im sorry, my little girl believes those boys over there have Uesama"

"ITS HIM"

"Uesama?..." the vet stares some seconds in confusion before her eyes grow wider "Oh how didnt i notice it before! Im sorry sirs but it seems you have found this little girls dogs" the vets looks expectantly at shimazaki

Shimazaki who has been holding a very squirming dog and listening to the screams of a girls is starting to get very annoyed. The tempation to teleport away with the dog too big to ignore. Hes about to do it when he hears the dog crying again.

With a huff he hands it to the very thankful mother and exits the clinic as quickly as he can.

Shibata follows suit "I saw your face before they arrived. I can tell what you did"

"Shut up"

The walk home is strangely quiet but at least he is back.

The joke on the spicy chat is that the super 3 are dumb and believe they are protecting oh so pure Seri when in reality they just share dumb penis jokes while Seri is actually riding Reigens dick.

And yes as his last crime Hatori threatened with realeasing all the state secrets of all the goverments and provoking a worldwide crisis if they didnt allow them to try to live normal lives

I just noticed this is more of a fanfic than a list of headcanons now but meh. What i wanted to actually be part 2 is gonna be part 3? 4? I didnt even get to write the prank the super5 were gonna pull on shimazaki but now you have something to look up next time.

Im not that happy with how the second half turned out but maybe im just tired.

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #minegishi toshiki #hatori nazomu #shibata hiroshi #shimazaki ryou #should i tag animal violence?#manga spoilers #mp100 spoilers #super5 headcanons #nie's writing

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watchmegetobsessed · 6 years ago

Text

Crush // Shawn Mendes mini-series part 2

part 2 wohoooo!! this is honestly such a cute story i love writing it, im currently finishing the last part so i’ll probably update very soon!

part 1

masterlist

The awkwardness soon vanishes. This clear new chapter we just opened with Shawn allows me to loosen up and just enjoy a nice evening. Aaliyah and Eric seems satisfied with the outcome, the parents seem to hit it off quite easily and when we leave they already start making plans for another meetup.

“It was so nice meeting you!” Karen sighs happily as she hugs goodbye to all of us.

“You too, email me that recipe you told me about!” Mom points at her and she nods her head laughing.

I’m just about to step out of the house when Aaliyah grabs my wrist and pulls me back. I look at her with furrowed eyebrows.

“I need your help with a little something. Can you come over sometime tomorrow?” she whispers confidentially.

“Um, yeah. Around what time?” I ask.

“Three pm?”

“Sure,” I smile at her and she lets go of me.

On the way back home I’m thinking about what Aaliyah could need help with and the only thing I have in mind is Eric’s birthday that is on the 29th. She must be planning something special for him.

I call Maddi around midnight when I’m already in my pj’s, but I know she must be still up, maybe even drunk. For my surprise, she answers the phone quite modestly.

“How was the family union?” she asks chewing on something. I throw the cushions off of my bed and crawl under the blanket.

“Um, very interesting,” I chuckle closing my eyes and just shaking my head at the thought of the evening.

“Uh, spill the tea!” She cheers clearly very thirsty for some drama, though this story is not as juicy as she would want it.

“Guess who Aaliyah’s brother is!” I say, but I don’t expect an answer so I just continue. “Shawn Effing Mendes.”

“What?! Are you kidding me?” She gasps. “How did Eric forget to tell you this small detail?”

“Apparently, he thought it doesn’t matter to me, which is kind of true, but there is more.”

“What more? Did he hit on you? Because I’m not talking to you again if he did. He is hot!”

“No, he didn’t, but what you don’t know is that we have history.”

“Okay, now I’m confused!? How do I not know about this?”

“Well, remember my ex, Dylan? I told you about him.”

“Yeah, the asshole who cheated on you,” she hums.

“Well, Dylan and Shawn used to be best buds when we started dating, but the guy hated my guts, or so I thought. He was always mean to me, talking against me and just… avoiding me like the plague.”

“I thought he is the nicest person on earth.”

“He might be now, but when I knew him, he treated me like shit. So it was pretty awkward to see him again after all these years.”

“And how did it go? Was he an ass again?”

“No. He was… nice. Well, we both acted awkward in the beginning, I didn’t know if he would continue his act with me, but he turned out to be nice. And then at one point he told me he is sorry for everything in the past and he was just acting like that because he wanted to amuse Dylan.”

I turn to my side and stare out the window.

“That’s good, right? I mean, he grew out that mean phase and he is all good now.”

“Yeah, it’s just still weird to be around someone I knew from my Dylan phase.”

“But it’s Eric who is dating Aaliyah, why would you be constantly around him?”

“Aaliyah asked me to go over tomorrow, I think she is trying to put a surprise together for Eric’s birthday, so I’m spending the afternoon at the Mendes house.”

“Oh, then keep me updated about the details and sneak me a shirtless photo of Shawn please.”

“Maddi!” I scoff laughing. “Why would I even see him shirtless?”

“Maybe he likes wandering around in his home without clothes on, how would I know?!”

“Unbelievable. I’m going to sleep.”

“Bye bitch,” she sighs making me roll my eyes at her smiling.

“Bye.”

I sleep late the next day, it’s past noon when I actually make it downstairs looking like a real human being. Eric and Dad are watching a documentary on WW II. while Mom is reading the newspaper at the dining table. I join her with a bowl of cereal.

“Do you have any plans for today?” She smiles at me over her narrow glasses as she turns a page. I lean closer hitting a confidential tone.

“I’m helping Aaliyah today, she asked me to go over around three.”

“Oh, birthday surprise for Eric?” she asks clearly excited.

“I think yeah.”

“Great. And you will probably see Shawn again.” Winking at me she puts the papers down.

“Why does that matter?” I ask with my mouth full. She caresses my cheek before standing up and walking over to the sink for some water.

“Isn’t he a nice young man? I think the two of you would look cute together.”

“Mom, you are literally talking about the biggest pop sensation, he is not really the kind of guy who just casually dates,” I say.

In my mind all these celebrities are living their wildest life. Even if I were interested in Shawn in any way, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even get in the game, he must have thousands of girls waiting for him in line. We are not really on the same page.

“Oh, come on. You guys knew each other in high school, you have a past, that connection must mean something!”

“He was an ass to me!” I blurt it out making her eyebrows raise.

“He was? What did he do?”

“It’s nothing,” I roll my eyes, but Mom gives me a demanding look. “He just didn’t seem to like me no matter what I did, he was avoiding me most of the time when I was with Dylan and also made some pretty rude comments sometimes.”

“Maybe he was into you,” Mom shrugs and I almost choke on the milk.

I start coughing like I’m about to die and my eyes start watering when I’m finally able to breathe evenly again.

“No fucking way!”

“Charlie! Language!” She hisses at me, but there is a smile hiding in her eyes. “You know, young boys tend to do it. They are mean to the girls they like.”

“Mom, it wasn’t in kindergarten, it was ninth grade or something. I think he just really didn’t like me back then and I don’t blame him.” I was annoying, thinking back at it. But hey, all teens are annoying!

“You can never know,” she sighs.

I totally ignore the theory Mom tried to make me believe, there is absolutely no chance of the nonsense she told me, and this is what I keep telling myself as I’m on my way to the Mendes house.

“Hey!” Aaliyah greets me with a wide smile. She is now wearing some more comfortable clothes than the last two times I saw her, the grey sweats and lose white shirt must be her home wear. “Come in! My parents are out at a friend’s place, and Shawn…” she starts, but just when she is about to finish he appears on the top of the stairs.

“Is here,” he chimes in. I look up and there he is, in a pair of checked pj pants and a black shirt. Looking at it, I think Aaliyah has his shirt on, it seems like the same size.

“Hi,” I smile at him.

“Come, let’s sit.” I follow Aaliyah into the living room and we sit down to the couch next to their Christmas tree. From the corner of my eyes I see Shawn going into the kitchen and for a moment I’m actually disappointed he is not coming with us.

“So. I want to surprise Eric with cooking for him, but I have no idea what. I tried to find out what’s his favorite, but he says it’s his favorite to everything!” she growls frustrated. I shake my head laughing.

“That’s typical.”

“Yeah. So do you have anything in mind?”

“Well, he really like tiramisu. He can eat tons of it, all the time. That’s good for dessert,” I offer. Aaliyah has her phone in her hands and she is typing everything I say down.

“Okay, got it.”

“Um, he likes gazpacho. He thinks it sounds fancy and you know, he likes everything with ketchup, so a soup that tastes like tomato was made for him.”

“Oh yeah, he pours so much ketchup into his sandwiches, it’s crazy,” she rolls her eyes jokingly. “Okay, so gazpacho. Anything else?”

“Um…” I try to think about the times we went to restaurants and Eric got really excited over the food. “Oh, we were once at a place and he ordered grilled mushrooms and he couldn’t stop moaning, it was very embarrassing, but I guess this meant he really liked it.”

“Grilled mushrooms, perfect,” she nods to herself noting everything down. “Do you mind helping me pick out his gift too? I have a few ideas, I want to go into the city and buy it tomorrow, I already looked up some jumpers online, but I can’t really decide.”

“Sure, show me!”

We spend the next thirty minutes scrolling through everything she had saved as a possible gift. She found some really nice ones, her taste is fantastic. As the time is passing I’m starting to feel like I’m with a friend and not with my brother’s girlfriend and I’m just hoping Eric will keep her around for a long time.

She asks me to stay a little bit longer so she can show me the awkward photos she has taken of Erik since they’ve been dating, but she gets a call and excuses herself quickly. I stay there in the living room, looking around a bit, I haven’t really had the chance yesterday, I was too occupied with the situation.

Shawn walks in, this time he has a headband on, keeping his locks back from his face.

Damn, Maddi is right. He is hot.

I shake my head at the thoughts and try to look as casual as possible.

“How is the birthday planning going?” he asks plopping down on the couch next to me.

“Good, Aaliyah basically had everything right, I just had to choose the best options.”

“How crazy is that our younger siblings are dating? I mean, I was thinking about it yesterday, the last time I saw Eric, he was about twelve or something. No wonder why I didn’t recognize him when I met him,” he chuckles and I nod agreeing. Aaliyah changed a lot in the past years too.

“Yeah. Strange that they are not babies anymore. I mean, I’m still mad that Eric is taller than me.”

“Oh I remember how you always wanted to get taller!”

“You remember?” I ask surprised. I used to never stop talking about my height, later I accepted my fate.

“Yeah, I remember once you told Dylan how you want to wear the highest heels to the dance so you two can be the same height.”

I laugh at the memory. I remember it too, it was quite early in our relationship and Dylan asked me out for the Halloween dance. I wanted to look taller and told Dylan I would wear heels. Of course, I ditched the plan as I found out how uncomfortable they are and ended up wearing my Converse.

“And at the end I looked like a punk princess with my Converse and mini skirt,” I scoff at the thought of my outfit for that night.

“I think you looked pretty,” Shawn says and I look at him. I catch his small smile before he shakes his head clearing his throat. What the Hell? “High school feels so far away, right?” he quickly says.

“Um, well for you I guess, for me… not really,” I chuckle shaking my head. “Your life got turned upside down, but not much has happened to me since then.”

“What? I don’t believe you. I’m sure you’ve been having plenty of fun. Parties, dates and everything.”

I can’t help, a sad smile plasters across my face. He can’t be more wrong.

“Not really… I had some rough years after Dylan and I split.”

“Can I ask what happened? I mean, after the split,” he shyly asks.

“Well, since I was a dumb naïve little girl, I needed an entire year before I could even think about getting to know other guys. Now it all just seems like the biggest bullshit. I shouldn’t have cared that much. And I’m not a fan of partying, I only go out on birthdays and maybe New Year’s Eve,” I shrug. Maddi has been trying to boost me up a bit, she attempts to drag me out every month or so, but I’m really not that kind of type. I thought I was, when I was with Dylan, he was a popular guy, I kept going to these lame parties with him in the last year of our relationship, but I never really enjoyed them. Shawn was long gone by then.

“I’m sorry Dylan played you so bad.”

“It’s fine, I mean, not your fault,” I chuckle. “But what happened to you and him?”

He sighs scratching the back of his neck.

“Not sure, I guess we grew apart and I realized that he is an ass. When I became a private student we kept in touch, but I met new people and I saw how different a friendship can be, so… I cut him off, I guess.”

“Did you guys fight?”

“Not really,” he shakes his head. “Well, we had one last very awkward phone call when I was in Atlanta, if I remember right. It was forced and… just awkward, really,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“And your life has been better since Dylan is out of it, right?” I grin at him.

“Yeah, you must know about it.”

I laugh nodding. I know everything about it!

Before I could even think about what I’m saying, my mouth just opens and the words roll down.

“The only good thing I got from my relationship with Dylan is that I know you now.”

My eyes widen and I wish I could take it back.

“I- uh I mean…”

I don’t even know why I’m so nervous suddenly, I didn’t even tell much. But for some reason, I can feel myself blushing.

“I meant that he basically ruined my senior year and I needed so much time to get myself over him, but at least now we can talk like, normal people,” I quickly add somehow saving the situation.

“What do you mean he ruined your senior year?” he asks with furrowed eyebrows and I’m happy he didn’t get caught up on what I said before that.

“Well, he successfully made me push all my friends away, leaving me totally alone when we broke up.”

“Wait, what? How about that friend of yours, um… I don’t remember her name, you always sat together at lunch.”

“Rochelle. Oh Dylan played us dirty. He told me Rochelle keeps hitting on him and being my dumb naïve self I believed him and not her. We had this huge fight and I called her a bitch. No wonder why she didn’t care about me when I was alone in the last couple of months of senior year.”

“Ouch, that sounds horrible. I’m sorry he did that.”

“Why did we even like Dylan in the first place?” I ask laughing to myself. It still bothers me how blind I was, I wish I could just shake myself.

“I have no idea!” He sighs rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry your senior year got fucked up, I wish I could be there to have lunch with you.”

I turn to him and swear to God he is blushing! And it is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I feel the urge to touch him, anywhere, to take his hand in mine, but I stop myself.

“That’s… nice. Thank you,” I whisper touched.

As I’m staring at him I realize this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to him. I wonder how many girls want to be in my position, they see the popstar, the heartthrob from the stage, while all I see is the guy who used to be mean to me in high school but now we are friendlier than ever. I could never see him as a celebrity.

“Okay, so I found some- Oh am I bothering?” Aaliyah walks into the room with her phone in her hands and she is giving me a knowing look. I quickly clear my throat turning away from Shawn.

“No, you girls just… do your thing. I have to make a few calls.”

Shawn jumps up from the couch patting his sister’s shoulder before walking out of the room. Aaliyah takes his place, still grinning.

“What?” I ask her playing dumb.

“You guys… I felt the sparkle,” she says wiggling her eyebrows.

“What sparkle? Aaliyah, you see everything in pink because of my brother.”

“Oh stop, don’t tell me you don’t like him.”

“I don’t know him,” I say truthfully. “The last time I saw him I was dating a douche and he was also being a douche to me. I can’t tell if I like him, because I don’t know his new self.”

“But you seem to get along with him pretty well and I’m sure you are attracted to him.”

“I’m not talking about this with you, you are his sister!” I gasp feeling myself blushing again.

“Whatever. But I think you two would look cute together.”

I refuse to carry on with the conversation about me and Shawn and Aaliyah fortunately doesn’t force it on me. I leave the Mendes house around five, Aaliyah thanks me the help and I can’t help but feel disappointed I don’t see Shawn anywhere when I’m leaving. Aaliyah’s speech about me and Shawn is slowly getting to me.

By dinner, all my thoughts are racing around him and soon I find myself stalking his social media profiles. I knew he is very famous, but seeing the numbers on his pages makes me gasp. Millions of people are following him, waiting for him to post anything. The last photo he uploaded to his Instagram is with his family, Karen and Manny are smiling proudly into the camera while Shawn and Aaliyah are messing around next to them. Before I could realize what I’m doing I double tap the picture liking it.

“Oh shit,” I suck my breath in. I hesitate, but then I realize how dumb this is. He must be getting millions of notes every minute, he won’t see this.

Gaining some confidence from this, I decide to follow him and continue my stalking session. I’m a few months deep into his profile when I get a notification. Opening the tab my eyes widen.

shawnmendes followed charlieprkr

I guess I was wrong about the notification getting lost. A moment later I see that he has liked two of my photos.

One was taken on a family vacation. Eric and I are posing at the beach, I have a red swimsuit on and the wind is blowing my wavy blonde hair that was so much lighter back than from all the sunshine. The other one is a picture Maddie took of me last month. I’m sitting in our armchair with a mug of tea in my hands, smiling shyly at the camera. We had Christmas lights in the window and the lights made me look colorful in the photo.

I’m just about to put the phone down and go to bed when I get a dm. I’m not surprised to see Shawn’s username, but I definitely get excited.

shawnmendes I’m happy I’m not the first one to accidentally like your photo, though I was minutes away from that haha

I smile at the message rolling my eyes.

charlieprkr Ha. Ha. I was hoping I can easily hide in the millions of your followers.

shawnmendes You could have, if only I weren’t stalking your profile as well. Fate?

charlieprkr I guess.

My fingers linger across the keyboard, trying to think of something else to write and keep the conversation up, but nothing comes to my mind. I almost give up when I get another message from him.

shawnmendes I’m in a nostalgic mood, I want to have a walk in the neighborhood, around our school tomorrow. Would you like to join me?

My smile grows wider than ever reading his lines.

charlieprkr Totally.

shawnmendes Great! Sometime around 4 pm?

charlieprkr Perfect. Where?

shawnmendes I’ll meet you at your house and we’ll go from there.

charlieprkr Then see you tomorrow!

shawnmendes Yeah, good night Charlie.

#shawn #mendes #shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes fanfics #shawn mendes fanfictions #shawn mendes imagine #mendes army #crush #crush mini series

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bluebellhairpin · 6 years ago

Text

Domestic

Loki Laufeyson/Odinson X Fem!Reader

A/N: I dunno what this one is. I don’t even know when in the MCU timeline it happened, but it’s Loki fluff, so ya’ll wont mind, I’m sure. Enjoy. - Nemo P.S. Easter Egg for Anime fans. Kudos if you get it.

Summary: There are many memories that you’ve gained over the years from living with the God of Mischief. Here are a list of occasions that you like the most; some are happy, others sad, some are pure, some funny, and others that you wish the whole world could’ve seen.

Warning!: Possible trigger warning in one of the sections. If you believe it could be a trigger, it’s titled ‘VIII. Happy Pills’, so you’d just have to skip over it if you decide to read this anyway.

Masterlist

I. Save the Kitten

“Damn, not again.” You mumbled, hands on your hips as you stared up at the tall branches of the tree.

“With a name like Fiberglass I’d not wan’t to come down too.”

“Shut up Loki.” You said, thumping the god on the shoulder before making your way towards the trunk, preparing to start climbing.

“What are you doing now?” He said with a frown, seeing you begin to place your hands and feet up on the rough bark.

“I’m getting her back. What does it look like I’m doing; drawing a bath?” You called, mocking his accent while you made quick work of climbing.

“You’ve done this before.” Loki stated, ignoring your jab at his moral, instead noting that you climbed up this particular tree as if you did it regularly. You shot him a look, he rolled his eyes. “I was just pointing it out.”

“Yeah well, stop pointing it out and prepare yourself to catch Fiberglass.” You said, now having reached the young cat and scooping it up into your hands. “Usually I’d just carry her down, but now you’re here it’ll make it a lot easier.”

“Maybe I should make you carry her down. Could be quite entertaining.”

“Loki, I swear to-”

“Okay, okay. Just give her here.”

II. Sunsets

Since you had been entrusted with the care of Loki, S.H.I.E.L.D made sure there was plenty of space where you lived. Meaning you moved out of your old apartment in downtown Queens soon after Loki arrived, and into a house in the area of New Haven. The house came complete with floor-to-ceiling windows and a rooftop deck.

You especially loved the deck, and whatever nights you could you were up there with a blanket watching the sunset.

“Why don’t you watch the sunrises too? They’re just as beautiful.” Loki had joined you tonight, bringing an extra blanket and two cups of something hot and great-tasting.

“You should know me by now, I don’t wake up early enough for that.” You laughed.

“True.”

“Plus, with sunsets, you can start to watch the stars come out too.” Loki smiled at that. It seemed he was rather impartial to stars too.

You both settled into a comfortable silence, his shoulder was pressed next to yours as you sipped your drinks. The sky swirled in shades of pale blue, pink, orange, red, and purple. It was putting up quite the show tonight.

“What is this drink?” You asked randomly, watching the liquid swish in your cup.

“Magic!” He said, putting his newly-learnt jazz-hands to use.

“You’re a moron.”

“You love me. Everyone does.”

III. Say Cheese!

“C’mon! Just one nice picture.” You whined, letting the hand that was holding your phone go limp.

“No. I’m not going to become one of your models. Too many people still hate me for the New York attack.”

“I wont use this one for social media, I have plenty others for that, and those only have your silhouette.” You pouted. “This one’ll be for me.” You added quietly, however Loki heard you rather clearly.

“Tch, give it here.” He said, snatching the phone from your hand and puling you close, pressing the button, effectively taking his first selfie before giving the phone back. “There. No stop whining.”

You looked at the photo, fining Loki looking the happiest he ever had looked, and you still had a look of shock/pout stuck on your face.

Loki was actually very happy you kept insisting on the photo, in fact he was rather happy you wanted to spend time with him at all; so he figured he could let that one photo be a outlet for his hidden happiness.

You frowned, a little disappointed in yourself for ruining an otherwise great photo.

“You should send that to me.” Loki asked, looking over your shoulder as you stared at the digital image.

“O-Oh, sure.” You said, choosing to ignore your stuttering and instead smile up at the Asgardian.

“Cute.” Loki breathed, making sure you wouldn’t hear.

IV. My Nephews are Twins

“I didn’t know you knew magic too!”

“I don’t. You’re overreacting.” You bluntly said, brushing some of your nephew’s hair away from his face as he ate cereal. “This is Eren. The one you saw outside is Jean.”

“You gave you’re magic names?”

“Loki! Listen to me!” You started, slapping Loki across the face, Eren giggled at the action. Loki faced you with a look of disbelief. “Eren and Jean are twins. Did you not have twins in Asgard or something?”

“We do, it’s-it’s just where did they come from? No one in their right mind would leave their children near a monster like me.” At this comment, you pulled Loki away from Eren and into the hallway.

“You’re only a monster if you let people tell you that you’re one.” You started, placing your hand on his cheeks, forcing him to look at you. “You’re no monster to me; you’re Loki, the man whose trying to right his wrongs.” You finished, taking in a deep breath as you released his face.

He missed your touch; you were so warm compare to him.

“You turn blue. It’s awesome.” Eren and Jean said, speaking in chilling synchronization. Loki scooted behind you, making sure he had a sort of shield between him and the twins.

“Are they possessed?” Loki whispered, keeping his eyes on the boys.

“No. They just have powers. Like Steve and Bruce.”

“What kind of powers do they have?”

“Linked telepathic communication and self cloning.” The twins said. Loki shrieked and ran off, clearly shaken by your nephews.

V. Ice Skating - Not For Loki

You couldn’t stop laughing.

“I’m a frost giant.” He said.

“That’s ice, and it’s basically just walking without lifting your feet.” He said.

“How hard can it be?” He said.

He was so very, very wrong.

He slid across the ice with his hands outstretched, his legs wobbled, and he’d already fallen over three times even though you’d been here for less than fifteen minuets. And he kept screaming at you to help him and “stop laughing this IsNt fUnnY.”.

In short, you were thoroughly enjoying yourself while Loki was practically dying of embarrassment.

“I’m never doing that again.” Loki grumbled, angrily untying his skates. You’d just managed to stop laughing enough to grab him and pull him off the ice.

“Sure you will, it just takes a lot of practice.”

“Practice my ass-”

“Loki! Language!”

“You’re not getting me to embarrass myself like that again.”

“Sure I’m not.” You laughed.

VI. I’m a Snake

You woke up this particular morning feeling a bit tingly. And long. And smaller. You looked down at yourself, realising that your normal human body was replaced by a snake’s.. You went to let out a scream, but only a hiss came out.

You moved yourself over to one of your mirrors, finding that now you were a rather pretty Taipan. You frowned, as much as a snake could, and figured it was probably Loki’s fault.

However, he did have his magic taken away, meaning something might be wrong with him, or he was reverting back to his villain-like state.

You made your way into his room, finding he was still in bed, so you managed to worm your way on top of the covers. He had a couple tissues clutched in his hand and his nose was a bit red.

He had a cold.

You chose to slither around his neck and poke your snake-tongue in his ear. He shot up with a start, sneezing and rubbing his ear as he did so.

“Wha- Ah! How’d you get in!” He shrieked, knowing full-well that if you were a real Taipan, that you could cause a lot of bodily damage.

“It’s me you moron.” You tried to say, thinking he wouldn’t understand.

“(y/n)? What happened?” Turns out he did understand.

“You, Loki. You happened.”

“It must’ve been a fluke.” He said, sneezing again.

“Fluke or not, change me back before I bite you.” You hissed, sliding further around his neck.

“Okay. I’d have to take you to my brother or S.H.I.E.L.D to do it.”

“I don’t care who we go to! Just change me back!”

“That’s weird, Taipan’s aren’t usually this aggressive.”

“Loki!”

VII. What’s Your Tragic Backstory?

“You’ve really never been here before?” You asked, entering through the glass door and instantly smelling old books with a hint of tea and adventure.

“It’s not like the higher-ups want be away from you.” Loki said, closing the door gently behind him as he watched you begin to wander through the isles of books. “Why did they leave me with you? As far as you’ve let on, you have no powers at all.”

“That’s the point.” You mumbled, running your hands along a row of old and new book spines. “I’ve never really liked my powers; as far as I’m concerned I should be the one locked up, not you.”

“What could be so bad about them? It’s not like you were controlled by Thanos.” He said, continuing to follow you as you then made your way towards a spiral staircase; you made no comment. “Were you?” He added, quieter this time as you stopped a couple steps higher than him, leaving you eye-level with the god.

“Loki, please, I don’t want to talk about it. At least not here.”

“There’s no one here. No other customers, and the clerk is asleep. It’s not like anyone would know.”

“I unwillingly killed hundreds for him. I remember it all. Every last plead for life; for a second chance. Sometimes he still tries to get to me, but I manage to shake him off.” You blurted, deciding to just let him know what's happened.

“So why are you here, working with the Avengers if you done so many wrongs?”

“I remember all my training; meaning I’m a better spy that Natasha Romanoff. I was also genetically engineered; Where Steve Rogers fights like a hundred men, I fight like a thousand. I’m a huge asset for them.” You finished, moving yo continue up the stairs but Loki caught your arm and turned you back to him.

“You don’t need to worry about hurting me. I... I have the same feeling about you. I don’t want to hurt you because of what I’ve done in the past.”

“Thank you Loki.”

VIII. Happy Pills

“What are these?”

“It’s just some med’s Loki.”

“Hogwash. I’ve been around Midguardians for six months now. The label says that they’re not just med’s.” Loki said, rattling the pills around in their bottle.

“Better question; what’re you doing in my stuff?” You said, setting down you book and snatching the bottle out of his hands.

“You were acting different to usual. I wanted to make sure you weren’t doing anything too rational. Contrary to that, turns out instead of doing something, you weren’t doing something.” He started, you groaned feeling a lecture coming on. “I can’t believe you thought you could trick me, of all people. Now tell me, and don’t you dare lie, what are these for?” He hissed grabbing hold of your arm to make sure you wouldn’t run away any further than you had.

“They’re just to help.” You sighed. “They help with Thanos. And the nightmares. They keep me happier.” You mumbled, the grip on your arm loosening as Loki then pulled you into a tight embrace. You felt a couple tears escape your eyes as you wrapped your arms around Loki.

“It may sound hypocritical coming from me, but talking helps. And you can talk to me, even at the times when it seems I don’t care.” He mumbled into your hair. You sniffed and tightened your hold around his torso, smooshing your face further into his chest.

“Why do you care about me so much?”

“We have a lot in common. Plus, as much as I’d hate to have to admit; you, my dear mortal, have wormed you way into my heart. I’m afraid I care about you an awful lot.”

“Oh, you’re so romantic.”

“You love it.” He breathed out a laugh, you too let out a giggle.

“I think you’re right; as much as I’d hate to have to admit.”

IX. Starry Eyes

“You get weird after two in the morning, you know that?”

“Good morning to you too.” You mumbled, rolling over in your bed to throw an arm over Loki’s chest. He let out a mock ‘oof’ when it landed on his shirt-clad torso; acting as it your arm was led instead of flesh and bone.

“No seriously.” He laughed, bringing your hand up to lay a kiss on your palm. “It’s like if your not asleep by a certain time you go to instant tipsy-mode. Do you even remember what happened?”

“No. I didn’t do anything too embarrassing, right?” You asked, prying an eye open to look over at a smiling Loki.

“Nothing embarrassing. You eyes just turned into galaxies.”

“What, really?” You said, sitting up in surprise as Loki nodded.

“Sure did darling. Right before you passed out and I had to carry you back here.” He said, patting the mattress as he explained.

“Which galaxy?” You asked, leaning back down into his arms as a gentle smile rested on your lips.

“One of the ones on the outer rims of this realm.”

“Is it pretty?”

“Nothing can compare to your beauty. You held the stars in your eyes last night, and you made them glorious. They are not that breathtaking when I see them in person, only when they are part of you.”

“Aw, Loki! You’re so poetic!”

“Well, you know what they say; love so passionately that Shakespeare rises from the dead to capture it.”

X. Blue Is Good

“Loki, it’s fine. No one got hurt.”

“That doesn’t matter. Just leave (y/n).”

“No, I won’t - I can’t. I owe you that much.” You said, leaning your head on the door. It was cold, colder than normal.

“You own me nothing! Monsters like me don’t deserve a love like yours! I’m not worth it!” He yelled, you stayed silent. He’d been in his Jotun form before, never in front of you and especially not in front of other Midguardians. You knew he viewed himself as a monster; but you thought he’d gone passed that now, you thought you’d convinced him otherwise.

“I know you don’t like your Jotunheim heritage Loki, and Thor has spoken of the dispute between your people and the Asgurdians. But you’re on Midguard now. People here may seem harsh, and at times they are, but you’ve proven yourself to be more than just a ‘monster’. Everyone has a dark side, a side of themselves that they don’t want others to see. I hope you know that I accept you as a whole; Jotunheim and all.” You said, never once raising your voice more than needed.

Loki had moved closer to the door, listening carefully to every word.

“You accepted me as I am, even though I still hate myself for what I’ve done, you make me feel like I worth some of the love you give me. I could never wish for anything more than for you to understand in the slightest the appreciation that I have for you. I love you Loki, more than words and actions can ever convey.”

“Say it again.” Loki said, opening the door and gazing down at you with a look of awe. His skin still had a blue hue and their darkened markings, and his eyes still had some red.

“I love you.” You smiled, letting out a sigh of either relief or happiness. Maybe it was both.

He then caught you by surprise, pulling you flush to his chest and connecting his lips to yours. You’d kissed before, but none of the other kisses conveyed this much raw emotion; love, admiration, sadness, hope, happiness. A huge mixture of colorful feelings.

“I love you too.” He mumbled, his mouth only just far enough away from yours to get the words out without them sounding muffled.

And it was perfect.

#loki #Loki Laufeyson #Loki Laufeyson x Reader #loki x reader #loki oneshot #loki odinson

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prince-opossum · 5 years ago

Text

ok um, gonna write this before I forget it

I was sleeping, as they do. had a dream. and uh, what I find weird is i have very similar dreams to this one, and when i do dream it's like this one. here we go.

I was in my living room, watching TV while my brother was on his phone. I ate cereal. for some reason, my friend was there. I'll call her alex. my mom was on the computer. she turns around and says something about raiding a my brothers school. I immediately say yes, so does alex. it takes my mother some convincing before she could bribe my brother to come. (side note: my dad doesn't appear in these dreams :/)

the next thing I know, we're in this car, I would think its moms but the interior was more gray. I never question it. we drive through this foresty place, with broken stone walls covered in vines on our rights. to the left was stores. there were cars, though. so we weren't alone.

but now we're alone. mom takes a right turn and were surrounded by forest, but we're still on concrete road. the ground was mossy.

after a while of driving, we see this roadblock, stopping mom from continuing. now I have a light in my hand (when did I get that??) and I hold it while going around the side of the road block. and something I find odd right here. this is a two-way street, back and forth. I didnt go in the middle of the road to pass, instead on the side with a ledge of which I could fall from. and everyone also did.

I pass the road block, everyone follows me. also, there has been a large, tall metal fence along some of the side, and blocking the front. but the fence door was open. the road ends ahead the fence. I push the door open more, and walk past. (some reason I remember there being a blue bucket. but it's not important). everyone follows again. mom goes ahead. there is a door with earth covering its edges, and we have to walk a bit to get to it. another thing I dont get. we didnt have to walk to far. but I was still on the edge. my mom walked through the door, followed by my brother and alex. while they were going down, I fell on the side. I scraped at it, trying to get up. i fell down not too far, but far enough to could say I fell down a hill.

my mom peeks down from the door. "you okay?" I respond with "yeah..!"

in front of me I can see more of the metal wired fence, and its pretty tall. everyone else in the party went down the stairs. some reason, down here is something I didnt notice before. this semi large black room, beside another. its filled with junk and cleaning supplies. while we are in awe, a worker comes down a busted up escalator (oh, from where I fell. also, the whole setting changed?) and said "ya lookin for somethin?"

mom says "yes, keys!" (tbh idk, why did we even need to raid the school? this isnt a school)

the worker says "good luck with that" and keeps going down, before entering the room to our left. she turns on a light and then the whole top is no longer sky, but instead a black ceiling.

my ex friend, I'll call sarah, comes down the escalator. "oh hey! salmon!" (using salmon for be instead of real name just bc)

I get angry. I hate his guts. (btw he/she is trans but still looks the exact same, but I'll say he they pronouns for him) hes holding a slurpee, and comes down beside me. my brother and alex are to my right, standing a little more out. my mom is right beside me, again on my right. suddenly, the room is filled with people I know and dont know. there is a new worker standing ahead of us. everyone is talking, but I dont see their mouths moving. they're like ventriloquists.

sarah says "hey! look!" and points through the croud. I see one of my classmates. I never bothered to say hi. I ignore sarah once more. suddenly. worker speaks up.

I don't remember what she said. it was something about how they wont get past the workers. she takes a group of people with her, and opens the door. it's a blue door, the same blue as the bucket. they take the people out of the room.

I start scouting out my original party. sarah questions me, I dont answer. until a few seconds later. "we came here with a few people. now, it's a huge thing."

before I know it, my mother, brother and alex is being taken away. soon, I'm being taken too.

or I walked out myself. I'm not sure.

when I'm outside, I'm not being held by anyone. I see my original party being taken away.

the halls were made of concrete. the ceiling was this certain blue. and only the top 5 inches where the same blue. this. this hallway is bd what comes next is what I always see when I dream. this, this thing. these hallways have stairs at one point, but its mostly just a whole maze of hallways. it does have this street lights, but is only the light. no stand.

I still have my flashlight from earlier in hand. I follow where they took my mom. I'm desperate. I just want to be with her. I go into a dark room. I turn my blue flashlight on. all I remember is just frantic looking. I end up in a main hall, on the first level of 0-2 levels. its similar to my brothers middle school. my flashlight is off.

remember how I said what comes next is what I always dream about? I'll explain. I always end up in this weird school. the outside is my brothers high school. black. I've never been inside, but this inside is blue. blue and concrete. there are people attending this school. but, whenever I dream about it, I know something bad happens. people get taken into this thing, it's like an auditorium. or a cafeteria. its shaped in this circle, and it's a different kind of blue. it's more gray. the floor is your standard, American cafeteria floor. the circle on the inside is lined with these stairs for people to sit on. more at the back, it turns into white bleachers. the walls are lined with the stairs. except to the bleachers point. everyone is sitting, every time. I've never seen someone stand in these rooms. all I know about this room, is that I always see it while I dream, and it's where people are taken to get killed.

I enter this room after searching. I'm frantically searching for mom, forgetting about everyone else. I get to the back, ignoring everyone eating their lunches on the stairs. I know nobody. I see nobody. but this was the room mother was taken in. I almost cry. another thing about this room, they manage to always perfectly hide the fact that they kill. but I have this gut feeling.

sad, miserable, I go outside the front. alex is comforting me.

next thing I know, I'm in her house, eating ceral. the same one from the beginning. I'm mourning my family's loss.

and that is where the dream ends. this dream, this setting is always there if and when I dream. always the same school. no, I've never been to a school like this. I don't know why it's always about my mom getting killed, me leaving the sad sack of a place. but uh, yeah. I had to write it down before I slept. so there.

bye, I need more sleep.

#salmon speaks #dreams #murder tw #death tw #long post #recurring dreams

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the-fiction-witch · 6 years ago

Text

He Was Happy

REAL LIFE: COUPLE: TBS (GHOST) X READER RATING: CUTE + SAD

Y/N POV:

I woke up slipping my dressing gown on over me and rushing down I was the first up or so it seemed I went to the kitchen and stood starting to make up the mugs for everyone when I heard a noise it was quiet and muffled still I went into the living room and knowone I looked out to the front of the house though the little window and I saw a woman stood out in the grey foggy haze of the morning by the front of the house a tissue held tightly to her nose I rushed up and got my dress for the day on and when I came down again she was still there so I unlocked the door going out into the just green dew covered grass of the garden “Hello?” I ask her “Ohh, I'm sorry dear I didn't mean to disturp you” she says “Its alright, are you alright? Would you like a cup of tea?” I ask her as she wiped away tears “Ohh no thank you dear, I wont be much longer” she says quietly still teary “what are you doing here? If you dont mind me asking?” I ask her “Oh, no its alright, Just visiting my son” she smiles breifly “Son?” I ask a little puzzled “Thomas?” I ask and she nods “You knew him?” she asked “sort off” I smile “he didnt mention you, I'm sure our Thomas would have mentioned a girl as pretty as you” she laughed a little “Its a strange story I suppose” I laugh “well, I'm off now, do you mind if I come back? A little later, they always used to let us while the house as empty” she asks “Of course” I smile she smiled back before she walked off down the road so I went inside finsihing making the mugs up as everyone else came down “You alright Ella?” Bella asked me “Yeah, nothing” I shrug giving everyone there drinks “You sure Ella? You seem a bit shaken?” Lupin asked “Im fine” I smile “Well whatever I have to get to work” Lupin shrugged getting up getting his bag and bidding everyone goodbye Bella and Hal not long after him Leave me alone with chair as he sat eating hiss cereal “Thomas I wanted a word with you” I say quietly sitting on the sofa beside him “Course, what's Up elli?” he asks having another large crunch of his iced cereal “I Uhh... spoke to someone outside the house today” I began and his crunching slowed as he looked at me “Yeah?” He asked a little worried “I think it was your mum” I tell him “short blonde hair? Body of a balarena? Acent a little like the queen?” He asks “Yeah” I shrug “what was she doing here?” He asked “she said she was visiting her son? Where you talking to her out there or something?” I ask him “No, but like most parents they come visit the house I died in every year on my birthday” he shrugs mixing his ice with his cereal “Wait? Its your birthday today?” I ask him “Yeah” he shrugs having another spoonful “why didnt you tell anyone?” I ask him “what does my birthday matter? I'm dead” he shrugged “I guess, well maybe you should have said about it so we knew and all” I tell him giving him a tight hug “aww Elli” He laughs putting his food down to hug me too “Thank you” He smiles “Your welcome” I laugh “would you like some special cupcakes for your birthday?” I ask him “Really?” he asks and I nod “Yes Please” He smiles so I laugh getting up and going into the kitchen getting my little cook book working hard to make ghost cupcakes I was about half way though mixing my second batch when I heard a squeal and chalir ran into the kitchen hiding in the corner “You arlight?” I ask him “D-D-D-D” He stuttered very frightened “D-D what?” I ask him very confused he just pointed to the front door so I sigh taking his hand and dragging him back to the living room I looked out the window there was a woman aoutside the house it was a different woman then was there this morning “Who's that?” I ask him “Dalila maria” He says sounding like he was crying “that? That is Dalila?” I ask him and he nods “What does she want here?” I ask “I told you before, she's crazy she still though I loved her when she murdered me” he answered “she didn't understand that I didnt want to be with her, so she kept into the house and killed me, the hid my body somewhere in the house and tried living here with me” he explained “Wait...like living with your dead, naked, decomposing body?” I ask him and he nods “Thats...fucked up” I say trying to hold back throwing up “why isnt she in prison?” I ask “when the police came looking, he hid my body again, knowone ever found it, so they had no evidence she did anything wrong, as far as anyone knows I just disappeared” he shrugged “Ohh Thomas” I sigh hugging him tightly the girl outside smiled looking to the window and waving “she can see you?” I ask and he nods she then went off walking down the road wth speed as a car pulled up outside the house it was old and beaten up out came the woman from this morning as well as a tall dark haired man and a young blonde girl “Is that your family?” I ask him and he nods “what are there names?” I ask him “Well, thats my mum Tasha, my dad well kinda I didnt know him all that much Mark his name is, then little Ava, she's changed so much since I last saw her” He says wiping tears out his eyes “Guess that happens, being dead and all” He sniffled “You miss them?” I ask him “Of course I do” he answered “I miss them so much, I miss my mums cookies, little katies stickfigures, fuck I even miss my dad yelling at me to get off my arse” He said though tiny tears “why dont you go talk to them then” I tell him “It's beyond the line, I couldnt get to them, they wouldn't see me anyway” he said sadly “Come on” I smile tugging his hand as I opened the door but I couldn't pull him any further out the door so I let go of his hand going down to his family “Ohh Hello again dear, Mark she said she used to know Thomas” Tasha smiled “Thats nice honey” the man said looking away from me “I did, I... I knew Thomas very well” I smile and she seemed happier “Do you...know what happened to him?” I ask and she shook her head her eyes full of tears “All they said was that there was never any sign of him, he just disappeared, just like that, and I would never see my little boy again” she said sadly “He didn't disappeared” I tell her quickly making her look up “he died, I'm sorry” I tell her and she nodded “I think we all knew that, but its nice for the closer I supose” she said “How did you know him dear?” she asked “I... I was, I was his girlfriend” I smile “After Dalila,�� I tell her “Ohh, not suprising you where just his type of girl,” she smiled “But he hadn't told us about you” she said sadly “No, not yet, he had planned to tell you, before...” I began “Ohh, what's your name?” she asked “Ella” I smile “Ella? How did he die?” she asked “it was an accident, insant, painless I supose, just a trip police tried to revive him but caused his death so they covered it up” I tell them she seemed happier they all did at peace with this story more “Was he happy?” she asked “Very happy” I smile “I know he misses you, all of you, and he wishes he could still be here, he wishes he could have said goodbye, Mark he wishes he had been around enough to have gotten to know you a lot more, he wishes he could have hugged to goodbye one more time Tasha, and Ava he wisheds he could have been around to watch you grow up” I tell them “I know he misses your cookies, and the little stickfigures Ava used to draw, even being told to get of his arse, he was happy then and I know he is happy now I know he is, but he wont stop keeping and eye on you all, and I know he will always miss you, and always love you” I tell them “Thank you” she smiled “Thank you Ella” Ava smiled “that is very nice but we need to get going our plane leaves soon” Mark smiled “plane?” I ask “Were moving away, not sure when we will get back but, thank you ella that really helps, I'm sure wherever he is, He is happy” she smiled giving my cheek a kiss before they got back in there car and drove off so I went back inside and saw Thomas in tears at the door he jumped forward hugging me tightly still crying “Thank you Elli” he cried “Your welcome” I smile hugging him tightly too “Come on you cry baby get off me” I laugh pushing him away “Cupcakes?” I ask and he nods wiping tears from his eyes badly “aww come here” I laugh wiping his tears with my sleave making him laugh “Come on you want cupcakes you come help make cupcakes” I laugh “Okay” he smiles “So long as I get to lick the spoon” He smiles “Well...alright but you cant lick the bowl you'll be sick” I tell him “Ohh fine” He sighs as I went back to the kitchen and kept sorting out the cupcakes and he just cuddled me from behind even if it made me very cold “lick?” he asks and I laugh holding up the used spoon for a moment for him to lick it then putting it back down and putting the mix in the cupcake cases “Lick?” he asks so I laugh holding the spoon up while he licked it and putting it back on the counter top as I finsihed with the batter started putting the trays in the oven “Lick?” he asks so I hold it up so he can lick it again “Why can't you just take the spoon?” I ask “Because I want to hold you” he smiles “You cant hold me and lick a spoon?” I ask him “not at the same time” He smiles “Whatever Thomas,” I laugh

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angrygoatgirl · 7 years ago

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have you heard about that eating disorder diabetics get when they purposefully don't get insulin so they can lose weight? I'm trying so hard not to start it, but it's like an urge inside me. I'm not "fat" but I would say I'm a little chubby. I really want to lose about 15 pounds before college, but every time I start to exercise and eat right I gain weight since my blood sugar is low all the time no matter how many adjustments I make. Do you have any words to offer me?

This is a topic I have often thought of writing about, but never had the courage to post. Anonymous, I’m doing this for you, please listen:I know exactly what you are talking about and exactly how you feel, because I’ve done it, it almost killed me, and even though I nearly died from it, I’m sometimes still tempted. It’s called diabulimia (if you don’t already know) and while not yet officially recognized as an eating disorder, it is finally gaining the attention of the medical community and even the media; the BBC did a brief documentary on it recently, which I haven’t yet seen. Diabulimia falls under the bulimia umbrella because restriction of insulin is used as a form of purging; one doesn’t have to induce vomiting to have bulimia, as some people think – people may have exercise bulimia (overexercising as a form of purging), use laxatives, or other purging behaviors. For us type 1s, insulin restriction is a unique option. The first and most important thing to know is that you are not alone. You are not alone. And that is worth more than you may realize. In a survey conducted by Joslin Diabetes Research Center, one third of type 1 women admitted to having manipulated their insulin in an attempt to lose weight. Yes, you read that right: one third. And that is self-reporting, which means it’s probably lower than the real number. The statistics on the incidence of eating disorders in both men and women with diabetes have not yet been nailed down, but the evidence does show that people with diabetes also are much more likely to have eating disorders than the general population.

To understand one of the possibilities why this is the case, here is a quotation from Ulla Kärkkäinen, a Finnish research nutritionist, defining disordered eating:

“Eating is disordered when a person arbitrarily decides when they are hungry or full, regardless of how they are feeling; weighs themselves constantly; or drinks non-caloric drinks to keep from feeling hungry. Eating can also be considered disordered if a person meticulously plans each meal long into the future, counts calories and weighs foods, follows an excessively strict diet or cuts certain foods from their diet…”That is the treatment for type 1 diabetes. Whether or not we eat is dictated by a number on a meter, not by how we feel. Meals are planned and food is measured and weighed so that we can dose properly. What and when we eat is almost always at the forefront of our minds, literally so we won’t die. Our bodies are constantly being measured to see whether results are satisfactory. Add to that societal misconceptions about diabetes, the tendency of insulin to make some people gain weight, the recently discovered direct effect of insulin on dopamine levels, and the multitudinous other factors that can make weight management harder for diabetics, and you’ve got a perfect storm. So I’ll say it again: you are not alone.The first time I experienced diabulimia I was fourteen. I didn’t have a word for what I was doing, because the word hadn’t been invented yet. I just knew that before I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, I was losing weight and feeling good about my body, and after I was diagnosed and started taking insulin, I gained weight and felt ugly and fat. It was the mid 90s and heroin chic was in, the pressure to be super thin was already overwhelming for any girl, but added to that was the pressure not to conform to diabetic stereotypes: I didn’t want the ignorant kids who thought I got diabetes from eating too many sweets to be validated. I knew rationally that my chubbiness didn’t make them right, but reason couldn’t change how I felt. I was too afraid to restrict my insulin for more than a few days, though…or maybe I was too strong and had not yet been worn down enough? I don’t know. It wasn’t until my twenties that I really went for it. Like you, I wasn’t fat. I was athletic with maybe 10 or 15 pounds of chub that I would have liked to have shifted. My family life was difficult. I was broke and on my own. I had no insurance and was already rationing insulin to try and make it last. I didn’t know at the time that burnout is common for diabetics, but I was suffering my first burnout. I was completely worn down by life and by diabetes, and I just wanted to be able to control one thing. Just one. So I started manipulating insulin. I took control by refusing to control my diabetes.And, oh how I rationalized it! I would take my long-acting and skip the fast-acting, I was still taking some insulin, that was surely better than none, right? I was riding 300s and 400s, but it wasn’t 500s or 600s, so it couldn’t be that bad, right? I’d had perfect A1Cs ever since my diagnosis – that was over a decade! What could a few weeks of high sugars really do? Other people were out of control of their diabetes all the time, and they were still okay. There were type 2s walking around with high blood sugars for years not even knowing! And when it started to work and the weight just fell off, it was easier and easier to rationalize. “Just five more pounds,” I’d say. “Just ten more pounds and I’ll stop.”Of course, one of the side-effects of high blood sugar is extreme hunger, so my eating habits became harder and harder to control. I craved carbs like never before. A whole pizza, an entire box of cereal, two dozen Oreos couldn’t satiate me: and the more I ate, the thinner I got. I never binge ate before the diabulimia, but my body was starving, and so bingeing became a thing for me…especially since it just made me lose more weight. I hadn’t gained control, I’d lost it. Completely.One morning at 5am, after three months of rationing insulin and rationalizing my diabulimia, after a night of nonstop vomiting…I realized I was dying. I was so sick, I lost seven more pounds THAT DAY. I could barely breathe and my heart felt like it was going to explode, trying to pump the sludge that was my acid blood through my veins. I asked my roommate to drive me to the Emergency Room, but before I left, I stepped on the scale and felt really good about how much weight I’d lost. I’d gone from someone whose chronic illness necessitated disordered eating to someone with a full blown eating disorder. And the eating disorder had taken me over.I spent the next 3 days in the ICU wearing an oxygen mask, catheterized, a massive hematoma on my arm from the excruciating arterial blood draws, searing potassium being delivered via IV to the other arm. Five IVs in all. They told me if I’d waited just a few more hours I’d have died. I’m not telling you this in an attempt to “scare you straight”, though. You know the risks as well as I did. Sometimes knowing the risks and even having lived them isnt’ enough. Eating disorder wouldn’t be a mental illness if it was rational. What you may not know is just how quickly and easily and how TOTALLY it takes you over.So I’m going to tell you the one thing that keeps me from going back to diabulimia when I am really struggling: diabulimia doesn’t really work. The minute you start taking insulin again, the weight comes back with a vengeance. It is a fleeting fix – the high blood sugar might as well be the high of heroin or meth: you feel better in the moment, but when you come down off that high it is hell, and everything that pushed you to try it the first time has just been made worse.I’ve been struggling with eating disorders ever since, though I’ve not resorted to diabulimia again. Sometimes, like I said, I feel so down that the only thing keeping me from it is knowing its effects are temporary. I even checked myself into one of the most renowned eating disorder treatment centers in the country…sadly, there is little known about treating eating disorder in type 1 diabetics, and the traditional treatments for eating disorders are in direct contradiction to the treatment of diabetes. In the end, their attempts to help me only made me worse. With hard work and help from a sympathetic endocrinologist and diabetes educator, though, I’ve been recovering. I’ve even gone a few years at a time with the eating disorder tamed. I still have relapses, though. While I can never know for sure, I think that if I had never tried diabulimia, I would never have developed any full blown eating disorders.You asked if I had any words for you and it saddens me that I have so many, and that so few of them are good. I don’t think it is hopeless, though: I have lost weight in a healthy way with diabetes, and without my eating disorder taking control. It was harder for me than for people without diabetes, but it can be done. I’ve had periods where the eating disorder was barely even there. I learned that weight really wasn’t even the real problem, and learned that there were other things to focus on for my mental and physical health. And even though my treatment experience was mostly negative, I took a few really positive things from it: the realization that my eating disorder didn’t have to define me, the realization that I wasn’t alone, and that it was okay to ask for help. You see, just as the stereotypes about diabetes are mostly wrong, so are the stereotypes about eating disorders. Eating disorder is seen as the ailment of the young, white, middle-class, anorexic chick. But the truth is, there was every kind of woman in that treatment center: women from age 14 to 64, of every ethnicity and religion, rich and poor, rail-thin to morbidly obese. And there were so many women there whom, had I not known they were struggling with eating disorders, I would have thought totally had their shit together, were confident, were admirable. Knowing that such admirable women were facing the same struggle as me made me hate myself less. You are not alone. Your weight doesn��t define you, and it certainly isn’t worth developing an eating disorder and potentially losing your life. If you need more help, ask for it, but remember that you have to balance your mental health with your diabetes, and don’t let anyone tell you one is more important than the other. They are both necessary.And that is it. There is no easy solution to this problem, there is not a moral or neat ending to this story, there isn’t a tidy little bow to tie this shit up with. I just hope that you will read my experience and spare yourself going through it, because it’s not worth it.

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