#no telling how many times he almost got paid off big bc of my risky ass behavior

[odinsblog]

it is some for profit stuff yes, but not having to worry about money for funeral stuff also lightens the load and lets you focus on what ís important en just grieving

[re: this post]

Yeah, my mind knows you’re right, but my heart feels like a supervillain

I did buy/prepay for both of their burial plots, and I still feel super guilty about that

Tyvm for this though

Idk. I guess everyone needs to talk about these kinds of issues more regularly, but Black people especially need to

[taeyangfmd-blog]

❀ ｓｅｌｆ ｐａｒａ ❀ ❀ ｇｒａｐｈ - 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 (january 2018)   wrd count; ~1,686

“it’s a shame that there’s snow today,” taeyang observes, tightening his grip on the ceramic bowls left behind by a certain foursome from an early lunch. after they clatter to the sink from his disposal, he gathers another set of dishes, four mugs, some filled with now cold green tea and others coffee, cradling them in one arm and turning the dial of his old-fashioned radio to ‘off’ with his free hand. he has no time to be distracted by the slowly gathering powdered snow outside, as nice as he might have found it a month ago. it reminded him of the catholic christmases spent back home, cutting daikon radishes and soaking rice for a tableside dinner while jesus’ manger rocked close to the brick fireplace in the family sitting room. the squeal was a comfort against the scary wind blowing outside warping the windows in on themselves. the little wooden manger was a project of his father’s and taeyang didn��t care much for the meaning of it as a kid once it was finished as much as he cared about the mesmerizing rocking it gave from side to side.

‘it’d make a nice folksy piece in the living room now,’ he realizes after finishing the risky journey to the kitchen and planting himself in the center of the living room to assess the rest of the mess left around. other than the smell of stale coffee and expensive cologne, the flat is back to the normalcy of usual, and misha and cain, dogs more lax than their sentimental owner, burrow themselves under the large piano reflected in the walls of glass windows of the room. it’s a pinterest worthy sight, especially with the tall order of bamboo plants winding up the sides of the scene and meeting ferns hanging from the walls. beneath the feet of the piano, a large rug, nordic print and low-cut unlike the large white shag one in taeyang’s bedroom, catches the water that overflows from them from time and makes a good ground for the ladder taeyang stands to reach the hung arrangements. that, and the struggle of feeding the koi fish in the large tank opposite the windows and past the kitten gray-colored couch that taesung and haejun crammed themselves onto not too long ago, were just a few of the banes of taeyang’s height.

“they cleaned me out, guys,” taeyang sighs to his pups, crouching by the piano and petting them through oversized sleeves after hiking up his glasses. “it’s high time i fill these cabinets anyways. you guys need more food, hungry fiends,” he continues, nodding to himself as if their watery eyes and eager ears are an answer to his musing. if anything it warrants a good scratching behind the ears for each of them and shrugs himself into a dark sweater and black mask to boot, diving down to the parking garage to walk to the overpriced market closer to the heart of gangnam than his enclosed housing complex.

a bundle of carnation colored envelopes sit on the gray stained wood coffee table once holding the boys’ mugs from earlier, abandoned by taeyang for the last five days; they eye his boots as they clip the door upon leaving and the open door resolves with a bark from the dogs.

-

the convenience store is near empty this time of the evening, not that the high prices draw in many people besides someone like taeyang anyways. people want to buy bulk beef at low prices and don’t care how much tug it gives. a decade ago he might’ve agreed, before his tastes got expensive. even then, the rich and bored folk living in the penthouses just feet away from the market go cheap with their meat or settle for noodles. taeyang’s never liked a person who couldn’t cook for himself, whether they ate with a silver spoon or not.

he supposes him and his little plastic basket full of black truffle and white bok choy are inseparable that way.

taeyang doesn’t pick up too much, just a parcel of fish, bones in for soup, more vegetables, ingredients for dog snacks, and a great deal of candies and cakes that wait for the cartons of milk he’s eying up in the dairy aisles. his lips turn in on themselves in conclusively and he pulls his mask down, no fan or dust threat here, to take a deep breath of the cold air. ‘is bagged milk better?’ he’s asking himself as he gathers a carton of milk, two actually, one strawberry, and nestles it in between his matcha custard snack cakes and boxes of water before paying.

his black card doesn’t see the light as much as it used to. cash is more humbling and reminds him more of a simpler time than those of the rolex in his jewelry box back home unworn for a year. he’s thought about pawning it a few times, but knows it would draw attention of anyone was more meddlesome than they needed to be. something about the idea of the ghost of the media, decipher’s taeyang, going broke and losing control over his life would be a good ten pager for bc-anti netizens to gnaw at on exclusive, he’s sure of it. so his greens and sweets get paid for in won bills and he’s on his walk back home, mask replaced.

there’s nothing more refreshing to him than being able to stroll down the street, unwatched and unfilmed, and for once a slice of normalcy presides over his life.

-

after the groceries are packed away and the puppies are fed, taeyang finally puts his feet up. for the majority of his worries to center around entertaining his brothers and taking care of pets is a softening fact, like the bulbs of his tulips he notices opening prematurely, and he can’t help but crack a smile at the blank television staring at him. he’d comment about the size of the thing feeling imposing if the sudden appearance of the letters in the corner of his eye, once in his blind spot, didn’t knot a cherry stem in the pit of his stomach.

‘taeyang,’ his name hangs on the envelope like the planters from his ceilings, ink shaky and ‘g’ dangling on the head of the envelope from a frail writing hand. there’s a dove drawn on the side of the parchment and a decalcomanie-fashioned family seal presses itself in the upper corner. he knows where it’s from at first sight, and perhaps he knew earlier when tossing the mail to its deathbed in the first place.

either way, he’s calm enough by the time he grabs the letter up now and breaks the seal, rolling his thumb over the stationary. the texture is like old litmus paper and feelings soft under his thumb, and the heady scent of ink and leaflets is a familiar essence that makes his stomach hurt.

“my mochi,” taeyang sighs aloud with his mother’s tone in mind.

“you’ve grown so big.” (he appreciates the lie. it’s always been her favorite.) i headed to seoul recently, since your father refuses to deal with the city. i thought to buy my first phone in years, but i think our little landline at home is enough. i know you won’t answer my calls anymore, and that’s okay, but seeing your face all over the city made my heart soar. it’s perhaps why i almost bought the phone. i want to hear your music, i want to see you, i want to know how your career’s going. do you still model? how are your group members? are you all eating well? i bet they’ve grown too since the last time you’ve mailed us photos of you all. they’re not as old as they think they are. your father is the one getting old, i think. he’s complaining about his back and gray hairs that suddenly bother him. i want to tell him that they’ve always been there. well. please write me back. button and mang miss you very much. (his former horses) did you know mang gave birth? you can call the landline xx-xxxx if you’d like to know more. stay healthy and eat well, my big strong ricecake. mom.”

misha and cain are nuzzling their heads in taeyang’s lap by the time he finishes the letters. he hasn’t talked to his mother in years, and smoothing his thumbs over the photos of the new foal of his old horse bloats his stomach further, a cinnamon feeling like tears burning in his eyes. the photo is more painful than the guilty of a rolex or a black card, and the empty mugs sitting on the drying rack in the kitchen are a painful reminder of how lonely he is. his parents refuse to move to the city, no matter how much money he sends back to them. his mother didn’t even let him know she was in the city. the hours long distance between the farm and seoul is worth the re-opening of decade deep wounds, worth any scheduling inconvenience in the world. how he’d long to have his mom count his freckles, to meet his dogs and comment about how much he hasn’t changed after all. how much he’d long to show her off to his brothers and watch them blanch away from her kisses.

the limelight and the distance have burned him and the high of his career, once built higher than his nineteenth floor residency, sinks the letter to the floor in ashes. his hands don’t bother to shift through them and the cinnamon in his eyes turns quickly to hot and salty tears that stop short of his chin and make him look like nothing more than a child. he hiccups loudly in the lonesome house, uncaring of his masculinity being compromised, or the loudness of his sobs over his ringing phone. he’s always been emotional and once his faucet is turned on, he doesn’t stop.

on the couch, he falls asleep rocking himself back and forth like jesus’ manger in his old home, calling out to mary and joseph and the crystal snow.

he knew he shouldn’t have opened that letter. |

[sightful-tangents]

december 28, 2017

I turned 24 this year. I think this blog is now 5 years old, because I still remember writing a bio along the lines of "the girl who writes this blog is 19 years old". When I was 19, I couldn't picture myself at 21. I couldn't picture myself at 22 or 23 and now I'm 24. I never saw a future for myself back then, and it excites me that this year, I had mapped out a 5 year plan. Albeit, this plan is literally just "get a cat."

24 isn't a big or important number for me. If anything, I'm looking forward to 30. But it just feels like a nice, round number. I want to feel as if I'm stepping into myself more and more as I go through my twenties.

A lot has happened this year. When December first rolled around, I was worried that my year wasn't good enough. I'll circle back to personal growth, but in terms of 'events', I think a lot of things happened.

Places traveled: Boston, Barcelona, Bogota, Amsterdam, Brussels, Geneva, Vancouver Island, Tobermory.

I met two book blogger friends who were absolutely delightful and I loved chatting with them. I think it's because they have access to my Twitter and in a weird way, Twitter is where I can be more... authentic. Facebook really is for just keeping in touch with friends, Instagram is a curated photo album, this Tumblr is usually more private and personal thoughts, but Twitter is where I write things that I find funny (I get it, I'm self-absorbed) and generally scream about media, books, feminism, current events, and complain about IRL people who don't know about my feed. And my book blogger friends have full access to this extra-authentic self, which is why I think I felt immediately comfortable when I met them. And they're just funny and so great to talk to.

I watched good movies and read good books and listened to many good podcasts. I read a lot of news, and I felt a lot of feelings. This is the year that I felt more. The year that I got choked up more times than I can count while scrolling my way through the internet. More often than not, something Hillary-related can quickly conjure up something in the back of my throat. I still can't watch the Kate McKinnon SNL post-election piano performance without almost tearing up. I cried from happiness for my friends when I heard they were engaged. I cried from relief when (and this feels like ages ago) the muslim travel ban was overturned. I cried when I read books and articles. I cried to movies. I cried to videos.

When I was younger, I tried so hard never to cry, to not react, to not feel. And I think one of the biggest changes these past few years has been giving myself permission to feel. To dig deeper into my emotions rather than trying to stamp them down and move past them. I love feeling. I love it when something makes me want to cry. It reminds me that I'm alive.

The biggest change, of course, was that I left a job and started a new one and moved across the country. I negotiated my salary. I still sometimes can't believe everything unfolded the way it did.

I am NOT equating my experience AT ALL to any of the absolutely horrific harassment allegations that unfolded in recent months, but in a way, I felt like I could have a deeper understanding of how women's careers can be affected by powerful figures. When shit was going with my boss, when he was pissed off and saying things like "I can sue you but I won't", it made me want to get away from him just so this becomes a bridge that I won't even be near. I had two job offers, one in BC, one in Toronto, and I won't lie when I say that the fact that BC would be far away from my boss wasn't a factor in my decision making. I wanted to get out of the entire industry, and I understand that what transpired WAS NOT EVEN THAT BAD. I'm very conflict-adverse, but when an even that is kind of minor (I can't even tell if I'm gaslighting myself these days) makes me want to leave the industry I've worked in for 2 years, I can't even imagine how a more serious transgression can affect a young person just starting out in her career. It makes me angry and sad. Boy, does that sum up 2017.

Anyways, so I'm back in BC. And I'm getting more and more settled in and making friends (bless my amazing roommates, I am so grateful they are awesome) and as I become more comfortable, I'm also a bit nervous because I do want to eventually return to Toronto. In my head, the timeline is sometime in late 2018 or 2019. But I know as I start to build my life here, it'll only make it harder to leave.

Oh, and I had such a lovely Christmas. I got really nice gifts from my mum, and she was telling me about how happy she is, and my heart just swelled. I'm not a great daughter. I know I can be better, and I know how I can be better, but I don't do it. But, it still makes me happy that my mum feels so happy this holiday season.

And now, back to personal growth. I kind of wish I experienced more personal growth this year. Or maybe, it was just that last year was so drastic in terms of what was changing that this year has mellowed out. I mean, things like dating felt too easy and familiar and not risky. I didn’t take on any drastic 30 day challenges, nor did I unearth particularly prickly revelations about myself. I didn’t really strive toward self improvement in a conscious way that I feel like I had in 2016, and especially for the last few months (after moving), I allowed myself to be much more of a passive consumer. Under the guise of “getting settled into a new job”, I wasn’t really chasing knowledge. I was watching pointless hours of Youtube when I got off work (at a stunning 4pm, like omg), which is legitimately a waste of time and I really don’t like that about myself. It just feels like I’ve given myself a pass to be lazy with this job change, when I wish I could be more invigorated and actually do more things with all my free time. Anyways, being more productive will definitely be a goal next year.

I know this is like an extensive preamble, but anyways, I did want to write a bit about my 2017 New Year's Resolutions. I don't stress myself out about meeting all of them, but if I can hit around 50% I'm happy. Let’s go:

FINANCIAL:

1. Hit a savings goal for money.

2. 4 times a month, don’t spend money.

I would say I only missed 2 or 3 months for this goal.  

3. Organize my receipts system.

Solution: take a picture of all my receipts and email them to a dedicated email account.

4. Get rid of ‘invoice guilt’. 

It helps if I’m annoyed so I can channel a “give me my money” feeling…

5. Budget at the beginning of the month.

I didn’t really budget my next month, but I paid all my bills… does that count?  

6. Make 5K from side hustles.

Yay, did this.. mix of extra work and gifts. Yes, I count gifts as a side hustle. Hush.

 RELATIONSHIPS 

7. Continue to call/talk to my mum at least once a week.

I can now see my mum once a week (if I wanted to… I think she secretly hopes I don’t make any friends so I can continue visiting her on my weekends…) 

8. Continue dating people and figuring out what I want/need within a relationship context. 

Kind of, I think. I have an idea. But I dunno…

9. Don’t be so wary of commitment. 

Hmmm. This is weird. In a way, I feel like I’m more ready to commit, but none of the people I dated this year were people I wanted to commit to. I’m gonna cross this off anyways though, since it’s a mindset, right?!

10. Make 3 new friends. 

I did this! I have 3 new roommates! They are all my friends! Plus I made even more friends than that. Big smiles, all around.

11. Be more open with current close friends. 

I think I’ve done this. In any sense, I’m much more honest and happy to talk about anything and everything.

12. Look people in the eye during conversations.

I made a conscious effort to do this. I should carry over this goal to next year too.

13. Become a better storyteller in conversations.

There is still so much room for improvement, but I think this is something that I’ve gotten better at. And I know this sounds so so lame, but I’ll sometimes think ahead of time of how to structure something I want to share, so it makes more sense to the listener and is more entertaining to listen to.

14. Compliment people more.

I kind of want to cross this off, but I don’t think I *seriously* achieved this.

 PERSONAL (TANGIBLE)

15. Read 35 books (of which 30% will be non-fiction, 1 will be a finance book, and over 50% should be adult). 

I think I only read 20. Sigh. Same goal next year.

16. “Fucking Exercise”

Oh…lol… next year.

17. Find something to work toward, whether this is a hobby or a new job or something else. Try and be motivated.

I have a new job? Does that count? I don’t know if I’m more motivated though. Hmm.

18. Buy a plant. Keep it alive.

I did! I bought 3 succulents. I threw them away when I moved because I realized that I am Bad. At. Plants. In all honestly, it just freaks me out that they grow so quickly.

19. Publish or write 3 freelance articles. 

20. Read the news (NYT, Atlantic, WaPo). Read widely, critically, and thoroughly. Stay informed and engaged in what’s going on in the world (which includes Canada!).

Yes. Kind of. This last month was tough though, as the GOP Tax Scam was going through, it just became so hard to not completely disengage. Hell, I’m not even American. I really considered (still consider?) just stop caring. I know I shouldn’t though. (Oh, and I still don’t know what’s going on in Canada.)

21. Take more photos (even phone photos count. Also, get a new phone).

Same goal next year.

22. Watch all the Oscar Best Picture nominees.

Unfortunately not.

23. Go to the doctor!!

I got a Pap test and it was fine. Ladies, go do this.

24. Travel goals for 2017: San Francisco, Eastern Canada, and the far-fetched one: South America. I’d like to take at least 2 weeks off (straight) to travel. 

I went to Europe and South America for work!! And Boston! I have 20 vacation days next year and I plan to make them count.

 PERSONAL (INTANGIBLE)

25. Don’t compare yourself to others.

Yes. I’m glad.

26. Strive to be better, not better than others.

I think so. As said in my preamble, I don’t think I reached this to the degree that I wanted in terms of self-improvement, but I do think I tried to be better.

27. Try harder to be Warm.

I think so. Again, not as much as I wanted to, but I am deliberately and intentionally more generous and loving with my friends.

28. Be more assertive.

I negotiated my salary. I ran business meetings, managed coworkers, and asked for things.

29. Not have the same problems as you had in 2016

I’m gonna say yes. I had VERY DIFFERENT PROBLEMS LOL.

30. Know price, value, and the difference between them. 

I took a lower paying job because I wanted the work life balance. Just saying.

31. And a repeat from the previous years: Be better than I currently am. 

I think so. Always room for improvement.

 32. And because it worked out well last year: Take risks. Of all sorts. Because, why not.

Hello from my desk in Vancouver. Because, why not.

Final Tally: 24 for 32 HELL YEAH (half point for #2 and #24)