#no shading or lighting because there's none of that in the MV so why should she have it

[hyperkitten224]

Manager Gangle reminds me of someone a little... hmm...

[genderqueer-miharu]

Don't really have a lot to say about mahiru's mv right now but i want to point out something regarding the boyfriend and his corpse: What the fuck is that stain near the armpit area in his jacket?

Because it sure as hell isn't shading, the shading on the jacket is a different color and it isn't that. Not only that but it can also be seen during the caroussel scene where the lighting is clearer so it's not because of the light either. The stain also wasn't there in any of the previous shots before they started walking the forest

And the stain didn't even appear first when mahiru started feeding him, it was already there seconds prior not only on the armpit area but on the sleeve as well

And it's easier to see here that the shading and the stain don't match with one another, so again this is NOT shading.

But then what the fuck is it? Is it blood? But how could it be blood if he died by hanging himself? Though i guess he's not dead yet in these scenes but still why would he be bleeding? Could it be stains of water since the body we see at the beggining is soaked?

No actually because the boyfriend is not dripping like this during those scenes. Actually isn't it also weird that the body is dripping here but none of his clothes are wet? Maybe those spots near the holes are because of the water but they look more like burned stains to me and considering where they are it might be this

And speaking of the body hanging, it does appear again at the end but uhh

Is it just me or is the stain gone? I tried raising the lighting and i could not see anything so is it just not there? But it was there before hand so why is it gone now? And what even was that stain? Was it blood? If it was blood then why was he bleeding? Did he just hurt himself or did mahiru do something to him? Also why is he not dripping with water here? If this is the same body that we see at the beggining then why is he not wet like the first time?

I just think these things should be pointed out more. I may want mahiru to get an innocent veredict this time but i don't want to just dismiss and ignore details like this. I already had details that i dismissed as insignificant in the past that had a more relevant role when i looked at them closely. It might be hard but i want to have a more unbiased view on mahiru which seems hard considering how little we still know about her.

Oh also i forgot to mention, the final lyric at the very end of the song is "DIE!", right as we see the guy's dead body, and mahiru is singing this whole thing so...you know

[bikenesmith]

thoughts on marvel's voices: pride

copy pasted from twitter lmao

tbh i was not super hype for this (maybe bc the characters i read as queer the most have not been confirmed as such elsewhere and therefore would not be in this collection). i also don't expect much of marvel in general when it comes to ~radical storytelling~ especially against the backdrop of abandoned queer breadcrumbs spread throughout krakoa run that would be more appropriate for 1980s claremont era coding than the writing about queerness we should be getting in 2021.

i read this comicsxf article the day before its release. it reflects the ways i, as a marvel fan, want so much more but i also can't help but eat up the crumbs? and the self-congratulatory air despite how difficult for readers + creators its been to get this rep

mv: pride's metatext makes it seem like marvel is at the forefront of queer superhero representation when the bulk of the queer characters in the issue are rarely if ever in major stories, much less major characters in them. (or aren't even existing characters).

all of these stories would improve so much just from being longer. i get it's a collection, but considering all that marvel's put queer readers + creators through, i'd think we deserve more, at least enough to make these stories feel less rushed and by extension, shallow

anyway the stories themselves! i LOVED early thaw - it made me so, so happy. uncannily (lmao) full use was made of the length constraints. maybe part of it is bc bobby (& erik) are such big characters with such rich histories that SO MUCH can be inferred from just a few lines

i tweeted about that in this short thread.

1 thing that twinges a bit is the deniability on eriks part ("not like..."), which reminds me of ~coding~. but

1) this is *bobbys* Gay Story

2) this awkward way of speaking abt self id, espec in this unlikely convo between villain & teen hero makes sense

but it also about how none of these stories are (or are allowed to) "make" anyone queer. "reveal" anyone as queer. this is okay here, and would be okay generally which if marvel as a whole were different, but its awkward when you consider how marvel Queer Reveals....work

before i move on, i've seen criticism that eriks characterization in early thaw is out-of-character, and all i have to say to that is

silver age characterization should be left in the garbage. im perfectly fine with pretending claremont magneto existed from the beginning. thats not realistic? neither is erik being a raving maniac for 20 years and then turning into a real human being like a light was switched on

anyway about the Marvel Queerification Method: characters will be revealed as queer and will never get in relationships with existent characters that they've spent forever being suggestive with because we cant have TWO GAYS!!! which brings me to karma's story.

i already talked about how i found this from hearing about it from articles. reading it myself i feel its less egregious bc the character doesn't look TOO much like dani, but the similarities compared w dani's conspicuous absence makes up for it, unfortunately

im just going to reiterate basically: the fact that its xi'an kissing a girl that looks like dani but is NOT dani, as vita sows the seeds for xi'an/dani in NM. it seems obvious to me that that was meant to be a xi'an/dani story, but it got veto'd

its very reminiscent of kitty kissing a random tattooist who looks suspiciously like illyana (a character who was present 1 or 2 pages earlier and left for seemingly no reason). at first glance i sound like a conspiracy theorist, but its just a logical assumption

why can't (more) queer characters be with characters that arent "out"? that didn't have a big coming out issue? characters that are big, on active teams with each other. you don't HAVE to make a new random/throwaway character, or push an a-lister together w an f-list stranger?

+ those designations are NOT meant to shade, its just a pattern - rather than putting their big queer characters w the other big characters theyve been playing house w for ages, they make a new random character, or put them w an unknown for a single issue &/or chaste kiss

its part of what annoys me so much about "give [character] a girlfriend/boyfriend". i know its jokes, but that's what they DO. just "a girlfriend". "a boyfriend". not a real character that exists or has had a chance to exist INDEPENDENT of them. not a real relationship

and that brings me to northstar lmao. this is the biggest example of the length problem. the whole issue tells us we dont know northstar like kyle does, but it doesn't get to actually tell us who northstar is. it doesn't get to tell us who kyle is. its frustrating, because

i'm desperate to know what northstar and kyle's dynamic even is, what their relationship is besides a symbol of progress for marvel.

and the trans stuff. i think the she-hulk one was sweet, but why wasn't it not about like, an existent trans character. like, say, LOKI??????? 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 that said i think it handled the usage of flashback quite well tho i wish we could move beyond that in trans narratives

charlene having to randomly throw out trans 101 instagram infographic-level corrections was cringey/exhausting though i found the final beat to be very funny LMAO

jessie drake! i think its super interesting that this story had a trans character having a romantic encounter with someone else, bc SO OFTEN trans stories in things like mv: pride are just oohggg my gender, & not like. hey. we experience relationships too, we have sexualities too

i think its also super important that this is a representation of a sapphic trans woman. there is so much transmisogyny + lesbo/biphobia directed towards sapphic trans women and seeing a story on this scale is important. that said - where IS the transness in this story?

jessies transness is mentioned once in tiny text in mv:pride's establishing text. & shes appeared in like 2 stories? how many are going to read this, & not know who jessie is, not know she's the first trans marvel character, & think shes just a random love interest for black cat?

as the first trans marvel character where is jessie's fanfare? she and northstar should be side by side in terms of importance in mv: pride's extra space. but she's not. yes, she has two stories. but this is the chance to give her more, and promise her more

2ndly, why was this written by a cis woman? ENOUGH. we - trans creators - and in this instance transfem creators specifically - are literally banging on your windows to be let in. theres NO EXCUSE

also (not) sorry for shaking the table, but i'd literally never heard of jessie drake til very recently, thanks to dani kinney's influence. & im sure many in the x-office have the same experience. google jessie drake right now, it's dani all the way down. why werent they hired 🤨

now about that raven/irene though!!!!!! THAT is what i wanted to see from this collection and what i want to see from marvel in general. i neeeed a full run of just raven and irene doing gay mutant crimes in victorian times and being in love.

coming out stories are not the entire scope of gay stories. do we need /some/? absolutely. but we need to be able to have MORE than that. we need to see what's outside the closet. and i want that outside to be gay mutant crimes!

i want it to be dancing with the girl you're finally ready to pursue in high fashion. i want it to be cheating death and kissing your demon girlfriend. i want it to be an old bisexual terrorist comforting the gay kid you were lowkey about to terrorize with missiles

anyway final comments billy and teddy are obviously eternally good and i love them, i feel weird about the somnus thing but lets see where that goes, hire more trans people, thank you and goodnight

[lady-une]

Love Lost

Ok so I was really really questioning whether or not I was going to post it. I wrote this after reading some manga (god I’m such a nerd) and this idea for the story came from what I was reading. As you all know I am very much in love with my angst soooo this is heavy on that. This is in no way shape or form a romance story. This is 100% angst and pain. Dumb is a dick, and I mean a dick. The biggest dick duchebag you have ever read. I dont even know why I wrote this with him as my main guy. I fucking love dumb! I am only posting this because I plan on making this a trilogy, so there will be 3 more parts coming out. Just please keep in mind I really do love Dumb and I have no idea how I will face him at the end of the month when I meet him. Anyways.....please leave me some feedback, for real just go balls to the wall with how you felt and what you think. Send that shit in anon if you have to. Other then that like, share, and follow.

A marriage of connivance that all it was. To the outside world the two were madly in love but behind closed doors they were anything but in love or happy. There was hope that love could possibly bloom between the two but as the first year went that hope was starting to fade.

Word count: 7163

Theme: Contract Marriage

Rating: Angst, mature, trigger warning (abuse)

Pairing: Dumbfoundead (Jonathan) x Reader (F)

Master List

“I won’t stand in your way of finding happiness or fulfilling your needs. Just make sure that no one catches on. All I ask is that you don’t nag or try and be a wife in any form other than when we are in view of others.”

Closing my eyes as the memories flashed by of our wedding night I tried to feel anything but the pain that was forming in my chest. It was getting closer to our first anniversary and while normal couples would be excited and happy to celebrate such an occasion I was not. The sound of the final cord from the cello being played brought me out of the memory.

“Mia that was beautiful, you have improved so much over the week.”

“Thanks mom, I feel like I could still use some improvement.”

“We are our own worst critiques, don’t be too hard on yourself.”

Mia was the apple of my eye and my reason for living. Listening to her play the cello always helped me find some kind of clarity when I was confused about something. The past week she had been practicing more for the solo she was to perform at the orchestra concert for her school. I knew she would be amazing if she would just stop second guessing herself.

Standing from my chair I walked over to her as she was going through her music and placed a kiss on her head before walking off to my room. It was late and there was a meeting that would require my early arrival at the office in the morning. Climbing into bed I checked my phone for any messages from my husband but wasn’t surprised to find none.

Silencing the alarm on my phone I slid out of bed making sure to be careful not to wake the sleeping form that was next to me. Grabbing my clothes out of the closet I made my way to the bathroom to get ready for the day. Once I was ready I went into Mia’s bedroom to wake her for school. Turning on her lights and opening the shades on her window to allow light in did little to rouse her from her slumber. The sound of her phone going off did little to wake her as well. Searching out the insanely loud blaring vocals from her favorite band, I finally found it under three pillows on the floor.

“Mia this alarm will do you know good if you don’t have it near you. Now wake up.”

My only response was a sleepy groan from under her blankets.

“Mia I have to leave, I need you to get up.”

More groans and a little movement from under the blanket but still not good enough. I went to the end of her bed and grasped the blankets in my firsts before yanking them completely off her. Leaving her a shivering ball of a girl.

“Mia! Up! Now!”

“Need coffee.”

Was her grumping response which was good enough for me. Walking back to the kitchen I put the coffee maker on and got her a glass down. Grabbing my bag and keys off the counter I turned around to see a zombie like form with shaggy brown hair shuffle its way to the bathroom.

“Mia mom is leaving now, the coffee will be done by the time you get out. Make sure you lock up and I will see you tonight.”

Her wave was the only response I got from her before I left and headed to the office. I wasn’t as worried as I first was when we arrived here. I was a nervous wreck about her being able to get to school on her own but after the first couple of months I was relieved to see she was doing fine.

The drive wasn’t long and before I knew it I was pulling into the parking garage across from the building. When I first arrived in LA it was so weird transitioning into a company. I had been working for myself prior and didn’t have to answer to anyone, I also had a normal day job that helped pay the bills but it was horribly boring. I had found myself wanting to quit it more and more every day. I enjoyed making MVs for underground artists in my area. I had a business degree in public relations and filmography, but it was so hard to actually find places that were willing to give you a shot without the years of experience that I lacked. Most schools required you to do internships to graduate but since I had taken online course from an online school it wasn’t a requirement. One of the benefits from this marriage was the ability to get me into a respectable music company where I was able to get some experience in the PR team but also produce MVs. Or at least that was supposed to be the agreement, yes I was working on the PR team but I was yet to get the chance to work on MVs.

Walking to my desk I sat my things down and began to get ready for the meeting. Today we were going to talk about a new artist that was signed to the label who was set to release their EP. Dates needed to be settled along with schedules of appearances to get the artists out there more. I had hoped that maybe I could talk to the team handling the MVs and see if I could get on with them to be able to work any of the upcoming MVs for the artist.

When the meeting was done I walked slowly back to my desk and fell into my chair. The hopes I had for producing MVs were falling apart. The artist would be attached to my husband and would be going on tour with him in hopes to find a fan base from within his fans. All I would be used for was to schedule his appearances on some podcasts and local TV spots. Letting my head fall into my hands I felt the beginning of a stress headache forming, opening my drawer I took two pills and popped them in my mouth before swallowing them. I had no time to deal with that, I had a job to do.

Just as I was getting ready to leave for the day my boss stopped by my desk and asked me to run some documents over to the studio for my husband to look at. Of course I couldn’t say no, I was a happy wife after all so I should be happy to see my husband. Putting on my fake smile I took the documents from him and slipped them into my bag. On my way to the studio I sent Mia a text telling her I would be late for dinner.

I quickly parked my car and went into the studio. It was busy as always, ever since he had signed on with a big label he was moved out of his little office studio and into the one used by the label. It was nice for him since he had more equipment at his disposal. Just as I was getting to his door I noticed the beanie on the door and knew not to enter. I knew what was going on in there, it was his sign to me that he was dealing in personal business. Turning around I was met with some the solemn faces of some of his friends.

“Y/n, what are you doing here?”

“I was supposed to drop some forms off for Jonathan.”

“I can take them, he is recording right now.”

“Busy man as always.”

With my fake smile firmly in place I handed the documents over to his friend before walking back to my car. I hated the look of pity on their faces, just as much as I hated having to act ignorant to the fact that my husbands whom I was supposedly happily married to was currently fucking some woman in his studio. Pushing the pain back down inside I headed home.

After dinner I decided to soak in the tub with a glass of wine. The disappointment from yet again not getting to working on a MV project was getting to me. The squawking sound of yelows gang filled the quiet bathroom and put an instant smile to my face. Grabbing my phone I answered it with a bird call instead of a hello.

“Well hello to you too y/n. What are you and Mia up to this Friday night?”

“Mia is packing for a weekend with her friend, me I am in the bathtub.”

“Rough day at the office?”

“Kind of, it was just a normal day really. I just hate that I’m not being able to work on MVs, I really miss it.”

“What else?”

“God you really do know me too well.”

My best friend and only confidant near me giggled over the phone, I was trying my best to keep my emotions in check but I could feel them trying to claw their way out.

“Well lay it on me.”

“I just thought things would be better moving here but they aren’t.”

“But you married the man of your dreams? What could possibly be going wrong?”

“Yeah I know.”

“Sounds like you need some girl time! Since Mia is going to her friends why don’t you come out with me?”

“I guess, I need a break.”

If he was able to go out and have fun then so could I. I needed to start doing things for myself instead of just sitting around. Grabbing a little black dress out of my closet and some thigh high boots I threw some product in my hair and ran the blow drier over it. Since I didn’t really have time to spend all night on my makeup I quickly just applied something. Mia was just getting ready to head off herself and gave me a little once over before whistling.

“Wow mom you look great! Are you sure the hubs will be ok with you going out like that?”

“I don’t see why not?”

The uber I had ordered was here as was Mia’s friend. I walked her as far as the entry but stayed inside until they pulled off, I didn’t want to give the parents the wrong impression with how I was dressed. Once I knew she was far enough I rushed out to my uber and we drove off to the club.

Shay was waiting for me outside of the club clicking away on her phone. When she saw me exit the car she ran up to me and leapt into my arms, the girl was so small that I could easily toss her over my shoulder and carry her off cave man style. I sat her back on her feet and she linked her arm in mine and we walked into the club. The music was loud and we could feel it thumping deep within our bodies. It was dark but the lights flickering and moving all around the dance floor illuminated the room enough to see. The first stop we made was to the bar where we ordered two shots of tequila and downed them as soon as the bartender set them in front of us.

“So how are things with you and the husband?”

“They are fine, we are both super busy so we don’t get to see each other that often. But I knew that when I signed up for all of this.”

“Wow Y/n you make this all sound like some kind of business deal.”

I nervously laugh as I wave the bartender down ordering another shot.

“Well I suppose you could see it that way. I mean like any other business deal marriage is an agreement between two willing parties. The two of you are getting something from the deal so yeah it can be seeing that way.”

“Yeah but there has to be love in there too otherwise why would anyone get married?”

Grabbing the shot I raised it to Shay with a smile, she had a point. Any normal person would never enter into such an arrangement as I did. I had always dreamed of getting married to the man I loved but as I got older and went through my own problems I knew that was never going to be an option. What I had with Jonathan was probably as good as I was going to get. Not wanting to think any more on the depressing personal issues I grabbed Shay’s hand and headed towards the dance floor. I wanted to forget all about this marriage and how it was making me feel. I wanted to forget all about the issues at work and to just enjoy the night.

Like most nights Shay and I would start off dancing together just laughing our asses off as the liquor coursed through our veins, but we would eventually part to dance with some guys. Even if we were off dancing with a guy we always kept each other in eye sight, safety first after all. Shay was currently dancing with a man who was a spitting image of the actor Michael B Jordan. I knew she was having the time of her life with the shit eating grin she had on her face when he dipped down and whispered in her ear. Smiling back at her I motioned that I was going to go grab a drink.

Moving my way through the crowd wasn’t that easy, having to push and almost tripping a few times I finally made it to the bar. Raising some bills in the air I got the attention of the bartender, I placed my tequila order and waited for my drink. Pulling out my phone I quickly checked my text from Mia making sure she was ok before closing it and sliding it back into my top. I thanked the bartender and downed my drink in one shot, just as I was taking a bite into my lime I heard a low whistle next to me.

“Well hot damn it’s nice to see a lady take a shot without making a face.”

Looking at the man I tried my best to hold in my disgust, the man was clearly in the wrong club. He was dressed in a button up that barely held in his beer belly and had cowboy boots on and a fancy looking belt. Tossing my lime into the empty shot glass I moved back towards the dance floor wanting to get away from the guy. I found Shay right where I had left her dancing or now sucking face with the man she was with. Closing my eyes I let the beat take me over and began swaying to it when I felt a cold clamy hand grasp onto my arm. Open my eyes I quickly turned my head to find the slim ball from the bar holding onto me.

“Why did you run off darling I just wanted to talk.”

“No thanks.”

“Oh come on now, let’s go find a place to talk. I won’t bite unless you like that.”

I tried to pull away from him but had his hand firmly grasped onto my arm.

“Let go of me!”

“Don’t act that way, let ole Bob have a little chat with you.”

Just as I was about give ole Bob an introduction to my boots someone grabbed onto his wrist and squeezed it harshly until he let go.

“The lady told you no and to let her go.”

I knew that voice, I knew it very well. Looking at the tatted hands I followed it up the silk shirt until I was met with a pissed off looking Jay. The scared Bob quickly backed off and practically ran almost falling through the crowd. Jay turned to face me with an irritated look on his face.

“Fancy seeing you here Y/n.”

“Uh yeah, I didn’t know you were even in town.”

“Just stopping through with Chase, we were filming a new MV.”

“Well thanks for the help Jay, I am sure you are busy.”

I tried to move around him, it wouldn’t be good for him to see me here without my supposed husband. What married woman would be out dressed like I was. Shay Eventually disconnected herself from her dance partner and rushed to my aid.

“You ok?”

I nodded my head and tried to move off the dance floor but Jay ran up to me and got in my path.

“Why are you running off? Just come up to the booth and have some drinks with me and Chase. Is Jonathan here with you?”

“No he is working, I came with my friend Shay. Shay meet Jay, Jay meet my friend Shay.”

Jay turned his devilish smile to Shay who was star struck having the man of her fantasies standing in front of her. He grabbed her hand and lifted it to his lips laying a soft kiss on it. Upon contact I swore I heard Shay whisper “fuck me please” before stumbling out a greeting.

“So what do you say Y/n?”

“I should probably go.”

“But Chase will be sad if you don’t stop by and say hello.”

Rolling my eyes I nodded my head. Jay extended the offer to Shay as well but she was just getting ready to head home with her score for the night. I hugged Shay goodbye and promised her lots of details tomorrow. Following Jay we made our way up to the VIP booth that overlooked the dance floor. Chase was inside with some of the other artists from the H1ghr label. Jay gave the introductions to the guys I didn’t know before Chase came up and gave me a big hug and pulling me down next to him.

“So how is work Y/n?”

“Boring, I miss working on MVs.”

Bringing my hand to my mouth I covered it so surprised that I was so open with what I was feeling, clearly I have had too much to drink tonight.

“Why don’t you talk to Jonathan? I’m sure he could find you someone to work with.”

“He is busy working, I don’t want to bother him.”

“Is that what he is doing now?”

“Yeah, he is in the studio with a new guy going over some things.”

Chase nodded his head and poured me a drink. I thanked him but instead of downing it I just took small sips.

“Chase why don’t you give her the rundown of the MV we are working on, maybe she could give some insight into it.”

“Would you mine Y/n?”

“No not at all.”

For the next hour Chase was showing pictures of the concept they had for the MV and where they had picked to film. The idea was really good for the song they were working on and I was more than happy to give them some tips and tricks. Different angles they could use to get a more dramatic affect for certain scenes. Times of the day that would probably be best for the scenes shot outdoors so that they had more natural lighting for the feel they wanted for that part of the MV. I couldn’t believe how much I was enjoying myself, Chase and Jay were so easy to talk to and they were really listening to my ideas instead of brushing them off like Jonathan always did.

“Y/n I should really steal you away from Jonathan one of these days and have you come help us out on our next MV. Ever been to Korea?”

My eyebrows rose so high on my head with how surprised I was at what Jay had just said. Jay was just laughing at my expression when I had finally found my ability to use words.

“Oh my god yes! I mean I would love to work on a MV with you. I will find a way to make it work, just let me know when!”

Chase draped his arm around and congratulated me for getting a job offer from the famous Jay Park. He was clearly tipsy with how he was slurring his words and it caused me and Jay to both break out into a laughter. I knew my night was going too well and something was bound to happen. All the happy feeling and laughter left my body when I heard my husband’s voice.

“Jay what are you doing here?”

The three of us looked up towards the door where Jonathan stood with his arm wrapped around some girl’s waste and with the rest of his crew. Jay stood and gave him the one-handed hug like most guys did.

“Just stopping through, I thought you were working?”

“Shit on a weekend? Nah man I finished early and we have been doing rounds in the clubs. This is the last stop.”

“I see.”

Chase removed his arm and I could feel his gaze on me. I knew Jonathan hadn’t seen me yet but it was only a matter of time. I could feel the anxiety building up in my stomach and really just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

“Well how about we join you for a drink.”

“Hey dummy let me go and buy you a shot I need to talk to you about something.”

Jonathan must have been feeling pretty good because he let Jay lead him off. I sat there a few moments until I felt my exit route was clear. Standing I thanked Chase and told him to give me a call if he needs anymore advice but didn’t look him in the eye before turning and walking quickly away from the booth. I thought I was in the clear but just as rushing past the bathroom I ran into Zommano.

“Y/n what are you doing here?”

“Oh hey, I was just leaving.”

“Wait Jonathan is here.”

“Yeah I know but could you not tell him you saw me?”

“Uh sure, but why?”

“I don’t want to ruin his night ok.”

“Oh. Are things ok with you two?”

“Yeah things are great, I should go and you should probably get back to the group. See you around.”

Grabbing a cab I was able to finally breath and calm down the further away we got from the club. I knew Zommano was good on his word and wouldn’t tell Jonathan he saw me. I hated putting him in that spot but Jonathan would be pissed if he knew I was out here partying. Even if we had agreed to not get into each other’s personal life he still had this thing about me going out to clubs. I guess that was his scene and he didn’t want me part of it. Kind of hard to fuck around when the old ball and chain just happened to be there as well. When I arrived home I sent Shay a text letting her know I made it home safely before undressing and washing my face off. Climbing into bed I hugged my pillow close as I tried to find a comfortable spot. I was exhausted but no matter how I laid I just couldn’t fall asleep. There was one sure way of getting myself relaxed enough to fall asleep, but I always felt silly resorting to it.

Sitting up I removed my shirt before reaching into my nightstand pulling out the velvet black bag that held good ole trusty, then I picked up my phone needing some visual stimulation. Clicking into my favorite video the corny music filled my ears as the female danced around the screen in her bikini before it went into the good stuff. Watching the woman and the men move around on the screen I could feel myself slowly getting excited closing my eyes I listened to their moans and groans, the sounds of their body slapping together. With my eyes closed I used my imagination to put myself in the woman’s place. Most nights it was always faceless men but tonight instead in my still buzzed state of mind it was Jay’s manhood that I imagined in my mouth and an artist from his label by the name of Simon was thrusting himself in and out of me. Working my vibrator in and out of me my free hand went to my breast to pinch and pull at my nipple. My breathing was becoming ragged and the warm sensation was building quickly as I imagined the guys switching positions and now it was Jay thrusting in and out of me. An explosion erupted inside me, sparkling silver stars crossed over my eyelids as my back arched off the bed as my hips pushed down onto the vibrator as I rode out my orgasm. It was always quicker to get off on my own then it was when I was actually with a man. Turning the vibrator off I set it aside as I caught my breath. Reaching for my discarded phone I exited out of the video and locked the screen. When I finally had control of my breathing I brought the vibrator in the bathroom and washed it off before placing it back in the bag. Exiting the bathroom, I was surprised to find a drunk Jonathan standing in the door way.

“Well isn’t this a nice surprise to come home to. Were you hoping that I would fall into bed and have my way with your naked form?”

Rolling my eyes I placed the bag back in the nightstand before grabbing my shirt and pulling it back over my body.

“Why would I want what you have when probably half of ktown has already had it?”

I climbed into bed placing my phone back on the charging port and pulling the covers over my body. I heard Jonathan grumble at my response before he grabbed his pillow and went out to the couch.

“What a wonderful life.” I whispered out to the darkness that filled the room.

The next morning, I woke up and took a shower before walking out to the living room to find Jonathan snoring away on the couch only in his boxers. Things were slowly starting to crumble in front of me and I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to hold out. I turned the coffee maker on before I started making myself some breakfast. Jonathan eventually woke up to the smell of fresh coffee and chorizo being made. He zombie walked his way to the kitchen island and took a seat. I had just set the plate of food on the counter and was turning to grab some fresh coffee when he snagged the plate.

“What a dutiful wife making her husband breakfast.”

Just as he was moving the fork towards my plate I quickly moved it away from him and started eating.

“I thought that was for me.”

Swallowing my food, I gave him a quizzical look.

“What makes you think that was for you? God gave you two hands make yourself some food, I’m not your slave.”

“No you are my wife and don’t they usually make their husbands food?”

“Yeah in a normal marriage but we are in anything but a normal marriage.”

“Indeed. So I heard from a little drunk birdy that you were at the club last night.”

Looking up from my plate I raised my eyebrow, the concern I had last night was long gone. I was over everything and feeling like I was trapped here. I was going to start doing things for myself.

“So you won’t deny it?”

“No why should I? I am free to do what I want as long as it doesn’t bring on questions.”

“God damn it Y/n, you know I don’t want you in the club. The one place I asked you not to go to you just don’t listen.”

I could feel the irritation building up inside me at his comment. Placing my plate in the sink I took a second to try and compose myself before turning around to face him.

“I don’t give a damn what you say. I was out at the club with Shay last night enjoying myself. I wasn’t doing anything wrong and if I want to go back out there to enjoy myself I will and you can’t stop me! Hell if I want to go out there and find some random guy to fuck I will do just that. You’re fucking women inside the studio right in front of everyone’s eyes. So why should I be worried about people finding out I was fucking someone or if I was out there enjoying myself. My husband is doing it so why shouldn’t I?”

“Like hell I can’t stop you, I won’t have you running around spreading your legs for anyone and have you dragging my name in the dirt.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t be as open as you are with who you are fucking. I will have some courtesy for you and keep that shit behind closed doors and away from prying eyes.”

“Stay out of the clubs Y/n, it’s not the right place for you.”

“I can handle myself Jonathan so don’t worry.”

I turned to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle out of it before heading towards the bedroom not giving a second glance to him. I was done playing things his way. I was going to do what I could while I had the opportunity. Plopping onto the bed I let out a long sigh before turning on some classical music and opening my laptop up. I had a few emails from some of the artists from back home asking me to come back and work on their MVs. The requests were really tempting but I didn’t have the time to run back home to shoot for a few days. Instead I replied back that I would be more the willing to help with editing and would be more than happy to give advice to them if they needed it. I really did miss making MVs but thought it would be best to start with some underground people here since they are closer.

As I was responding to some postings looking for videographers for some MVs my phone started ringing. Looking down I didn’t recognize the phone number but picked it up thinking maybe it was Shay or Mia needing something, those two were always running their phones dead.

“Hello?”

“Hey its Jay.”

“Hi Jay, how are you doing?”

“I’m good, Chase not so much. I just wanted to apologize, Chase mentioned that you were there last night. I hope he didn’t cause any problems. I got the feeling that it was supposed to be kept on the down low.”

“Don’t even worry about it, I talked with him already and everything was fine.”

“That’s good, hey look I hope I am not prying and if I am please feel free to just tell me to mind my own business but I have to ask. Are things ok with the two of you? I mean that guy was all over the girl he brought with. I just got the feeling like something was up.”

Fucking dumb ass Jonathan isn’t being safe, it’s one thing to be fucking girls in front of his close buddies but not in front of other people.

“Things are fine, don’t even worry about it. You know how he gets, guys just get a few drinks in them and well they can’t help themselves with a little flirting. No harm in that.”

“I suppose but not all guys are like that, especially ones who haven’t even been married for a year. You two should still be in that honeymoon stage where you are all about each other and can’t see anyone else but each other.”

“Wow Jay Park the romantic, who would have guessed.”

The two of us laughed a bit into the phone. I needed to get the topic off me and Jonathan.

“So how are things going with the MV?”

“They are going ok, we are shooting all day. Latter tonight it’s all indoors, more of an intimate setting between the girl and me. I was actually calling to see if you wanted to come in and assist. I would really like your help on this. It’s not that I don’t trust the director, but I saw how your eyes lit up when you talked about your ideas.”

“Oh, wow really? I would love to!”

“Great! I will text you the address and I will see you later tonight?”

“Hell yeah! Listen Jay I really appreciate this, I have been dying to work on an a MV.”

“Don’t even worry about it. See you tonight.”

Ending the call, I fell backwards onto the bed kicking my feet in the air as I squealed out in happiness. A text came through providing me with the address for tonight and I couldn’t hold my excitement in and immediately called Shay to share my exciting news. For the next few hours the two of us just fan girled so hard over the fact that I was going to help direct a Jay Park MV. Eventually I had to end the call because it was getting late and I had to get ready to head out. Standing from my bed I went to my closet and pulled out some dark blue skinny jeans that had small rips in them and a royal blue button up. Throwing my hair up in a messy bun I tossed my ipad in my purse before grabbing my phone. Jonathan was laying on the couch watching some basketball game, he muted the TV as he saw me walk out of the room.

“And where is my wife heading off to so late in the evening?”

“She is going to help a friend out.”

“Tell Shay I send my love and give her a big kiss for me. Don’t you two girls get into too much trouble and stay out of the clubs Y/n.”

Rolling my eyes at his comment I walked out of the apartment and got in my car. Entering in the address into the GPS I noticed he was filming downtown in a high-rise. Traffic like any Saturday night was a pain in the ass but eventually I made it barely in time. I pulled up to the valet and got out so they could park my car. Going to the front desk I gave them Jay’s name and they handed me the keycard that would let me onto the elevator. Going to the top floor the doors opened up right into the penthouse. It was full of cameras and crew members along with backup dancers. There was a guard stationed next to the door and I gave him my name before he escorted me to where Jay was sitting in a chair.

“Y/n you made it!”

“Yeah sorry about being late, traffic was a bitch.”

“Don’t even worry about it. Let me introduce you to the director.”

I followed Jay to a man who was sitting at the monitors going over the concept idea with another individual. Jay introduced us and I could tell the guy wasn’t too fond of me being there but he couldn’t say anything since it was a request made by Jay himself. The three of us went over the scene that was being shot. It sounded great and I didn’t really want to step on the guys toes right off the bat. Jay clapped me on the back with a smile before heading off. The director called everyone to the scene and the music started playing and the camera started recording. Jay was in bed singing to the girl and caressing her body. The director called cut and Jay came back to watch the playback.

“What do you think Y/n?”

“It was good, but it doesn’t feel as intimate as it should be for that part of the song. I get you are serenading the girl, but how about you shoot some scenes where you are kissing her body. Have her face the opposite way, maybe have a robe if you have one on set. That way you can be caressing her body and kissing her as you slowly slide it off her body. Then just shoot some extra footage of the two of you kissing and getting ready to make love. That way you can mix that in with the parts that you are singing to her.”

“I like that. Let’s do that.”

The director called for a robe and everyone went back to the set and we shot again. The rest of the night was spent the same way with me just throwing in some ideas here and there but for the most part leaving things the way they had planned. When all the filming was done Jay treated everyone out to some drinks and dinner.

I was currently wedged between Jay and Chase helping grill the meat as everyone else was doing shots and sharing stories. Chase was currently telling the story of Jay drunkenly dancing to a BIGBANG song at the studio. I tried to cover my mouth as a very ungirlish snorted laughter broke from me.

“Laugh it up Y/n, I am sure you have some horror stories of you own.”

“I’m sorry but that was too funny. I knew Minsik was a Taeyang fan boy but I had no idea his fearless leader was also a fan boy.”

“I have always liked that group, they have done so much for the kpop community.”

“They have, I can’t wait to see what they have in store for their second half after they all come back together once their enlistments are done.”

“Is our little Y/n a fan girl?”

“Sure am, I have always loved that group. TOP would happen to be my bias, just something about that man’s deep voice.”

“Don’t let your husband hear you say that, Jonathan might feel threatened since he has a feminine voice.”

I laughed at Jay’s joke, Jonathan didn’t have anything on TOP. But then again I thought Jonathan was the sweetest guy until I really got to know him. What is displayed to everyone is not always the true person. Suddenly Jay stood from his spot with his glass raised.

“I would like to make a toast to all of you. Working with you all on this has been so much fun and I would never have been able to finish this without you. And to Y/n, thank you for coming out on such short notice to help out. I hope that we get to work on some future projects together in the near future.”

Everyone raised their glass and toasted to what Jay said. The rest of the night was spent in laughter with everyone taking pictures and making memories. I was going to be sad to see the night end, it was the most fun I had in such a long time.The next morning, I woke up to an angry Jonathan holding his phone out to me.

“What the fuck is this Y/n?”

Taking the phone, I flipped through picture after picture posted on Chase and Jay’s Instagram. Reading the caption on one Jay had posted of the two of us together.

Shout out to @y/n for coming out and helping direct this MV. I can’t wait for you all to see her work, she is one to keep an eye out. I might have to fly her out to Korea to work on the next one.

“What of it?” I tossed the phone back to Jonathan and closed my eyes.

“You said you were going to help Shay but you lied?”

“No you assumed it was Shay, I never said who it was. I merely said a friend and that is what I was doing. I never lied.”

“Are you fucking him?”

Opening my eyes I glared at him, “No I am not fucking him. Jay was just giving me a chance to do something I love. There is nothing wrong with that.”

“Yeah except nothing is free in this world.”

“I agree nothing is free, but not everyone works the way you do.”

“I don’t want you working with him again, do you understand me?”

“I will do what I want. If Jay wants me to help him out I will.”

“You have a position in the company that this marriage got you. You have a commitment to it and you don’t have the luxury to be jet setting all around to help him out.”

“No I don’t, but if I can work around my job I will. I am doing something I love, why can’t you just be happy for me.”

“Just do as I said Y/n.”

“You’re not my fucking dad!”

I sat up from the bed with my head in my hands, the pounding in my head was harsh on top of Jonathan’s shrill screaming.

“No I am your fucking husband.”

“In name yes, but not in the same sense that others see it. So don’t try and start acting like one.”

“I refuse to allow you to work with him.”

“Well thank god I don’t need your permission. I have the freedom to work with whoever I damn well please.”

Standing from the bed I got up and moved towards the door needing some water to help fight this hangover. Jonathan stopped me from leaving the room.

“You will listen to me.”

“Move please, I need water.”

“Say you won’t work with him.”

“Just move out of the way!”

I tried to shove my way past him but he was bigger than me and grabbed my arm roughly holding me in my place.

“Let go.”

“Don’t work with him.”

“Let me the fuck go or I swear to god!”

“Swear to god what? Are you going to hit me?”

“Just leave me the fuck alone. You have never tried to step in now so why start?”

“Just listen to what I have to say for once.” He said as he roughly shook my arm.

“Leave me the fuck alone!” I screamed as I kicked his knee causing him to let me go.

Turning around I went to the bathroom quickly and locked myself in. Jonathan was banging on the door demanding I let him in but I ignored him as I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were blood shot and my face was puffy. Lifting my sleeve I got the glimpse of the purplish bruise starting to form on my arm where he held onto me. Closing my eyes I sank down to the floor.

“How the fuck did I get here?”