#no seriously if you read even a fraction of my roundabout rambling you are the sun to me

[aheathen-conceivably]

"One she literally gave her car to only to miss her for weeks on end, wondering where she was, then display a rare moment of vulnerability only to be shot down."

"Val is probably just going to write it off like maybe she read Jo wrong, and Jo is absolutely telling herself that she got in her own head and Val wasn’t trying to hit on her at all."

oof, the old lesbian fallacy. twas a shame. val is pining HARD and then it just... falls apart. :( from personal experience i know how devastating that can be. interested to see where this takes val and jo's friendship... especially since they've never even talked about it! can love bombing gio fix this or is it just another way jo is avoiding? much to think about! - prev lesbian anon

PLA! We are thinking about poor Val, ain’t we? 🥲

We’ve never had a post from her perspective so it’s not as easy to see as the other characters; but we, like Jo, are kiiiiind of getting glimpses past her facade. She’s a woman who absolutely takes no bullshit, and for as much as she likes to play games, really only puts her cards on the table when she knows she’ll win. So for her to have made that move, she either felt like it was a safe play, or (much more likely), she had a rare moment where her emotions got the better of her.

Add onto that that she took that risk on a woman, and like you said, it really brings the confusion and denial to a whole ‘nother level. Did I misread the signals? Was it just a move of friendship? Jo is in some ways is running the same circuit; but that question is hard to ask, especially when you add the historical context AND the extra level of infidelity between these two in particular.

But can love bombing fix this? I guess it depends what “fixing this” looks like. Unlike the first time around, Jo is very happy with Gio. It’s that happiness that pushed her to walk away from Val, so it’s possible that their future could be much less fraught than their past. The trouble comes in because there’s still something in Jo that she’s fighting despite either of them. Her internal turmoil says it pretty clearly:

Run. Throw it all away. Cut every tie so that no one and nothing can hurt you. Love is just as much a cage as need. Run.

Is love bombing going to fix that? I mean it certainly brings her joy and stability, but there’s also a layer of vulnerability that’s making her uncomfortable. Because that’s the thing about love, isn’t it? It comes with emotional tethers, which is why you see her saying that “love is just as much a cage as dependence.” It’s warmer. It’s happier. It’s blinding, but it stills weighs in all your choices and splits part of you to attach to someone else. It hurts differently in that way, and if you’re someone like Jo who seeks self autonomy at all costs, the fear of losing yourself to someone, or even worse, being hurt by them, is horrifying.

Run. Don’t let them hold you back. This isn’t enough. But why, Jo? Why isn’t this enough? I love you more than all of this. Despite any of it. Shouldn’t that be enough?

There’s also something restless in Jo: the pull and the desire to see more - more of Val’s house, or to follow that thread just to see where it goes. To see where the road ends or just how far she can push her own limits, or those of the people she loves. Part of her longs for it - the disruption and the novelty. I actually think Gio knows that better than Val, and that’s why Jo’s internal monologue shifts to who we can assume is Gio, saying that he loves her despite any of it. He knows. That’s what makes her pull back. So in that way, he can help her face that side of herself if she’s willing to let go of it. But then you’re right back to the first quote, in that the sheer vulnerability of love freaks her out. Especially when it’s hard to forget that Gio did betray her, even if his actions and apologies have begun to soften that blow.

So like as for an actual short answer to your question (after I’ve gone on a three page rant)….maybe? 😬

Like if Jo can learn to let herself be loved unconditionally and also return that openly and honestly. But she also very much needs to resist the temptation to use control or manipulation to try and offset her own fear of hurt. Bonus points if she can continue to channel that restless feeling into something productive and meaningful, rather than let it burn through her so that it hurts her AND the people she loves. Suffice to say: she’s got a hill to climb and a mean penchant for justifying her own actions, so it’s an uphill battle.

[winterisakillerwrites]

Of Anxieties and Coffee Dates

One Shot: Last Minutes & Lost Evenings 4/16

Character/Relationship: Tom Hiddleston/ Rosemary Mathews (OFC)

Genre: Romance

Summary: It was just coffee. Only coffee. There was no reason what so ever for his nervousness but yet here he was.

Rating: PG                                                                                                  

Warnings/Authors Notes: This is the fourth part of Last Minutes & Lost Evenings, this series is currently on-going and will flit back and forth between past, present and future.

Previous

He was nervous; sweaty palm, can’t sit still, ‘Dear God what I have done?’ nervous. And it was utterly ridiculous. He was just taking her out for coffee; it wasn’t exactly a marriage proposal or even the start of something remotely serious, there was absolutely no reason for him to feel this way. But he did. And it was driving him nearly to distraction.

Luke had been the first to pick up on Tom’s less than stoic demeanor and in his usual roundabout way worked to needle the reason out of his client. With the chaos that the previous summer and its fallout had brought, Luke had taken a much keener interest in Tom’s comings and goings. It was both a blessing and a curse.

“I’m fine, seriously,” Tom reassured, doing his best to ignore the incredulous look his publicist shot him.

“And I’m the bloody Queen.” Tom could not fight the smirk that spread across his features which earned him a knowing glare from Luke. “Not a word, Hiddleston. Not one word.”

Tom threw his hands up, laughing. “I didn’t say a thing.”

“And you better not. But in all seriousness, what is going on with you? You’re not you today. You’re making me anxious just looking at you.”

Tom ran a shaky hand through his already mused hair and offered a loose smile, “I’m seeing someone. Or well not seeing them, seeing them. We’re meeting for coffee. It’s nothing. I’m just being ridiculous…” his voice trailed off, the smile on his face turning sheepish as he realized how badly he’d been rambling.

“So if my Tom-speak is up to scratch,” Luke inferred, chuckling as Tom rolled his eyes, “what I’m understanding is you’ve met someone you’re interested in and now your nerves are getting the better of you,” He laughed, patting Tom heartily on the shoulder. “And how did you meet?”

Tom sighed and rubbed his hands on his thighs. “She dropped her glove on the tube. I returned it. We talked, I got a call, she left. I bumped into her again in a bookshop. We talked again. I asked her for coffee. She’s just…It’s nothing really.” He shrugged, unsure who he was trying to convince. And knowing his continued rambling did little to help.

Luke’s eyes narrowed a fraction. Such a small change that Tom wasn’t completely sure he hadn’t imagined it. “And she knows about you?”

Tom chuckled despite himself as the memory of her blurted words and subsequent embarrassment flitted through his mind. “She does.”

Luke frowned slightly, “You’re sure meeting up with this woman, someone you don’t really know, is the best idea?”

Tom stiffened at Luke’s quiet censure. “It’s just coffee, Luke.”

“Just be careful.”

Tom did not let himself focus on what had been implied in that statement. There were times Luke grated his last nerve with his concern, warranted or not. He knew better than most the need for caution. Especially after the disaster his last relationship had turned out to be.

But this wasn’t anything. Not really. Yes, she intrigued him. She was attractive, smart, funny. But it was just coffee. As much as he was growing to like Rosemary, he honestly wasn’t sure he was ready for anything concrete. It’s just fucking coffee. Get a grip.

The rest of the morning drug on with the same painful slowness. He had always hated these planning meetings. All of the sitting around and playing nice on conference call after conference call tended to drive him round the bend. He knew how important they were to his career, but that knowledge did little to make them easier to bare. Adding to that his distraction and worry about Rosemary and their probably not a date date and it took all he had not to weep with joy when Luke told him they were calling it a day.

He was a bundle of nerves on the journey back home, knee bouncing impatiently as he counted the stops until his own. Tom would periodically glance at his watch, mentally counting down the time until he had to be at the small café a block and a half from Stories Untold. In all honesty he couldn’t remember the walk from the station to his front door. One minute he was exiting the ticketing barrier and the next he was sliding his key into the lock on his front door.

Once inside he found himself pacing aimlessly around his living room, tugging at his shirt and running his fingers through his hair. He toyed briefly with the idea of going for a run to clear his head but knew that with the way his thoughts had been jumbled he would probably take far too long and risk being late or worse having to skip a shower not be so. And while he knew his personality could work miracles, he doubted it would do much to overpower the fresh hell that was him post run.

With a sigh, he dropped himself onto the couch, pulling his phone from his pocket. He forced himself to muck about, catching up on his email and with the comings and goings of the world. Anything that would work as a distraction. Unconsciously he found himself opening his messaging program and staring at the conversation he’d had with Rosemary.

They had exchanged a handful of messages throughout the past week. Mostly logistical, trying to mesh their schedules had been a far greater task than either had envisioned. Between meetings, inventories, and sick employees nothing they had planned seemed to come to pass.

He stared at the phone, messaging program open, cursor blinking accusingly. He started several messages canceling their ‘date’ only to delete each one in turn. What kind of asshole cancels last minute?

Apparently this asshole.

He clicked out of the messaging program and tossed the phone onto the couch beside him, putting his head in his now free hands and groaned. It was by sheer dumb luck that they both had this particular afternoon free. And now here he was contemplating backing out. Like a complete and utter wanker.

The phone chimed causing him to very nearly jump out of his skin. A text. It’s just a bloody text. He sighed and laughed at his own skittishness. God, what is wrong with me? He blindly grabbed for the phone and hit the side button which brought the screen to life. His eyes caught Rosemary’s name and he felt his heart stutter. Swiping the alert open, he quickly read the message she’d sent.

‘So sorry but I have to cancel. We’ve had a bit of a cock up with the latest delivery and I need to spend the rest of the afternoon with the dispatchers letting my annoyance be known. Again so sorry. Maybe tomorrow?’

Tom couldn’t fight the frown that crossed his face. True, he had been debating on cancelling their get together, but the fact that she had been the one to back out hurt. It was ridiculously selfish and self-centered of him and he bloody well knew it, but he couldn’t help wondering if she had come up with her excuse as a way of letting him down gently. Which was ludicrous. Her excuse was a valid one. He did not know much about Rosemary, admittedly, but he knew that she lived and breathed that shop. It was clear in the way she had talked about it, the way her eyes lit up and she rambled on. It was a trait he himself knew he possessed when talking about something he was genuinely passionate about.  

He took a few moments to compose himself before responding. ‘I understand. Hope you give them what-for. I’ll have to check my schedule. We’ll figure something out.’ He hit send and immediately regretted his word choice. We’ll figure something out? He rubbed his eyes in exasperation, I sound like a fucking prat.

But there was little he could do about it now. If he tried to explain himself he feared he’d only dig himself in further.

His phone chimed again. ‘Okay.’

Well fuck.

——

What am I doing? The thought echoed in his mind as he made his way into Rosemary’s bookshop, two coffees in hand. He had nearly turned around a dozen times since leaving his house on a stupid whim after receiving her stark response.

It had seemed so glaringly obvious as he’d made his way out the door. They couldn’t meet but he could always go to her. It was comical, the complete turnabout he’d taken. From convincing himself that meeting with her was a terrible idea to knowing with absolute certainty that he needed to see her.

But as he made his way into the shop he found himself once again questioning just what the hell he was playing at.

“Well hello.”

Tom’s attention snapped to the counter. Behind it stood a tall redhead with a bright smile and a gleam in her eye that made him more than a little uneasy. “Hello, I’m looking for Rosemary…”

The redhead continued to smile at him, her smile growing by the moment. “Of course you are.” She laughed, shaking her head. “She’s in the back.” She pointed towards the back of the store. “Go on.”

He nodded in thanks and made his way towards the doorway that would lead, he assumed, to the storeroom and office. He could her the murmur of Rosemary’s voice as he drew closer to the office. Annoyance and exasperation were clear in her tone.

“Well that’s not good enough.” She groaned. “No, I really don’t care, nor frankly do I believe, that the order got lost in the post….No, that is not good enough. I need those packages here by the end of the week at the absolute latest…That’s not my problem.” She paused, “Fine. If they aren’t you will most certainly be hearing from me.” He heard the phone slam against its receiver followed by a deep sigh.

He stepped boldly into the office, coffees at the ready. “I come in peace.”

Rosemary started, hand clapping against her chest. “Tom?!”

Tom smiled sheepishly. Scaring her hadn’t been his intent. “I figured since you couldn’t come for coffee I could bring the coffee to you.” He placed her cup on the corner of the desk. He then fished several sachets of sugar and small containers of creamer from his pockets and set them beside the cup with a shrug. “I didn’t know how you take it so…”

Rosemary’s smile was blinding. “Thank you.” She grabbed the to go cup and removed its lid. She then grabbed two sachets of sugar and a container of cream, emptying them into her cup with practiced ease. He stored that knowledge away. For next time.

She gestured Tom to take the open chair on the opposite side of the desk. He pulled the chair closer to Rosemary’s and settled himself. “I take it things aren’t running as smoothly as you’d like.” He gestures briefly at the phone and the stack of papers on the desk before her.

“Not really.” She took a sip of her coffee. “I’ve honestly had better days.”

Tom nodded, “That I can certainly understand. I hope all will be as it should soon.”

He watched as she fiddled with the empty creamer container. The fact that she appeared just as nervous as he had been was heartening. She quickly seemed to catch herself, tossing the container in the nearby wastebasket and settling her hands firmly in her lap. “Thank you. For the coffee, I mean. I felt awful canceling on you like that. Especially at the last minute.”

He smiled, “Trust me, I understand last minute emergencies. I’ve had to cancel many a date when shooting or rehearsal ran longer than expected.”

She frowned slightly and he could have kicked himself. Way to sound like a prat, Tom, nicely done.

“I mean…”

She waved off his explanation. “No, I know what you mean. But still, thank you all the same.”

“I’m glad. I really did want to see you again.” He didn’t know where the words were coming from but he couldn’t deny the truth in them. Despite everything, he truly had wanted to see her again. To get the chance to know her better. To talk with her.

She blushed, ducking her head slightly behind the coffee cup in her hand.  “I really wanted to see you again too,” she admitted.

They sat and talked until their coffees had long since gone cold. They talked about their mutual love of books. About living in the city. Places they’d been and places they wanted to go. About plays and movies. About just about everything that seemed to pass through their minds.

It was effortless between them in a way Tom hadn’t experienced in too long a time. He felt as though he could have sat with her in that tiny office for the rest of time and been completely content.

As he walked back towards the underground and home, Tom found himself feeling truly excited once more. He had no idea where this would lead but he knew with absolute certainty that Rosemary was someone he didn’t want to be without.

Next

[winterisakiller]

Of Anxieties and Coffee Dates

One Shot: Last Minutes and Lost Evenings 4/16

Character/Relationship: Tom Hiddleston/ Rosemary Mathews (OFC)

Genre: Romance

Summary: It was just coffee. Only coffee. There was no reason what so ever for his nervousness but yet here he was.

Rating: PG                                                                                                  

Warnings/Authors Notes: This is the fourth part of Last Minutes and Lost Evenings, this series is currently on-going and will flit back and forth between past, present and future.

Previous

He was nervous; sweaty palm, can’t sit still, ‘Dear God what I have done?’ nervous. And it was utterly ridiculous. He was just taking her out for coffee; it wasn’t exactly a marriage proposal or even the start of something remotely serious, there was absolutely no reason for him to feel this way. But he did. And it was driving him nearly to distraction.

 Luke had been the first to pick up on Tom’s less than stoic demeanor and in his usual roundabout way worked to needle the reason out of his client. With the chaos that the previous summer and its fallout had brought, Luke had taken a much keener interest in Tom’s comings and goings. It was both a blessing and a curse.

 “I’m fine, seriously,” Tom reassured, doing his best to ignore the incredulous look his publicist shot him.

 “And I’m the bloody Queen.” Tom could not fight the smirk that spread across his features which earned him a knowing glare from Luke. “Not a word, Hiddleston. Not one word.”

 Tom threw his hands up, laughing. “I didn’t say a thing.”

 “And you better not. But in all seriousness, what is going on with you? You’re not you today. You’re making me anxious just looking at you.”

 Tom ran a shaky hand through his already mused hair and offered a loose smile, “I’m seeing someone. Or well not seeing them, seeing them. We’re meeting for coffee. It’s nothing. I’m just being ridiculous…” his voice trailed off, the smile on his face turning sheepish as he realized how badly he’d been rambling.

 “So if my Tom-speak is up to scratch,” Luke inferred, chuckling as Tom rolled his eyes, “what I’m understanding is you’ve met someone you’re interested in and now your nerves are getting the better of you,” He laughed, patting Tom heartily on the shoulder. “And how did you meet?”

 Tom sighed and rubbed his hands on his thighs. “She dropped her glove on the tube. I returned it. We talked, I got a call, she left. I bumped into her again in a bookshop. We talked again. I asked her for coffee. She’s just…It’s nothing really.” He shrugged, unsure who he was trying to convince. And knowing his continued rambling did little to help.

 Luke’s eyes narrowed a fraction. Such a small change that Tom wasn’t completely sure he hadn’t imagined it. “And she knows about you?”

 Tom chuckled despite himself as the memory of her blurted words and subsequent embarrassment flitted through his mind. “She does.”

 Luke frowned slightly, “You’re sure meeting up with this woman, someone you don’t really know, is the best idea?”

 Tom stiffened at Luke’s quiet censure. “It’s just coffee, Luke.”

 “Just be careful.”

 Tom did not let himself focus on what had been implied in that statement. There were times Luke grated his last nerve with his concern, warranted or not. He knew better than most the need for caution. Especially after the disaster his last relationship had turned out to be.

 But this wasn’t anything. Not really. Yes, she intrigued him. She was attractive, smart, funny. But it was just coffee. As much as he was growing to like Rosemary, he honestly wasn’t sure he was ready for anything concrete. It’s just fucking coffee. Get a grip.

 The rest of the morning drug on with the same painful slowness. He had always hated these planning meetings. All of the sitting around and playing nice on conference call after conference call tended to drive him round the bend. He knew how important they were to his career, but that knowledge did little to make them easier to bare. Adding to that his distraction and worry about Rosemary and their probably not a date date and it took all he had not to weep with joy when Luke told him they were calling it a day.

 He was a bundle of nerves on the journey back home, knee bouncing impatiently as he counted the stops until his own. Tom would periodically glance at his watch, mentally counting down the time until he had to be at the small café a block and a half from Stories Untold. In all honesty he couldn’t remember the walk from the station to his front door. One minute he was exiting the ticketing barrier and the next he was sliding his key into the lock on his front door.

 Once inside he found himself pacing aimlessly around his living room, tugging at his shirt and running his fingers through his hair. He toyed briefly with the idea of going for a run to clear his head but knew that with the way his thoughts had been jumbled he would probably take far too long and risk being late or worse having to skip a shower not be so. And while he knew his personality could work miracles, he doubted it would do much to overpower the fresh hell that was him post run.

 With a sigh, he dropped himself onto the couch, pulling his phone from his pocket. He forced himself to muck about, catching up on his email and with the comings and goings of the world. Anything that would work as a distraction. Unconsciously he found himself opening his messaging program and staring at the conversation he’d had with Rosemary.

 They had exchanged a handful of messages throughout the past week. Mostly logistical, trying to mesh their schedules had been a far greater task than either had envisioned. Between meetings, inventories, and sick employees nothing they had planned seemed to come to pass.

 He stared at the phone, messaging program open, cursor blinking accusingly. He started several messages canceling their ‘date’ only to delete each one in turn. What kind of asshole cancels last minute?

 Apparently this asshole.

 He clicked out of the messaging program and tossed the phone onto the couch beside him, putting his head in his now free hands and groaned. It was by sheer dumb luck that they both had this particular afternoon free. And now here he was contemplating backing out. Like a complete and utter wanker.

 The phone chimed causing him to very nearly jump out of his skin. A text. It’s just a bloody text. He sighed and laughed at his own skittishness. God, what is wrong with me? He blindly grabbed for the phone and hit the side button which brought the screen to life. His eyes caught Rosemary’s name and he felt his heart stutter. Swiping the alert open, he quickly read the message she’d sent.

 ‘So sorry but I have to cancel. We’ve had a bit of a cock up with the latest delivery and I need to spend the rest of the afternoon with the dispatchers letting my annoyance be known. Again so sorry. Maybe tomorrow?’

 Tom couldn’t fight the frown that crossed his face. True, he had been debating on cancelling their get together, but the fact that she had been the one to back out hurt. It was ridiculously selfish and self-centered of him and he bloody well knew it, but he couldn’t help wondering if she had come up with her excuse as a way of letting him down gently. Which was ludicrous. Her excuse was a valid one. He did not know much about Rosemary, admittedly, but he knew that she lived and breathed that shop. It was clear in the way she had talked about it, the way her eyes lit up and she rambled on. It was a trait he himself knew he possessed when talking about something he was genuinely passionate about.  

 He took a few moments to compose himself before responding. ‘I understand. Hope you give them what-for. I’ll have to check my schedule. We’ll figure something out.’ He hit send and immediately regretted his word choice. We’ll figure something out? He rubbed his eyes in exasperation, I sound like a fucking prat.

 But there was little he could do about it now. If he tried to explain himself he feared he’d only dig himself in further.

 His phone chimed again. ‘Okay.’

 Well fuck.

 ——

 What am I doing? The thought echoed in his mind as he made his way into Rosemary’s bookshop, two coffees in hand. He had nearly turned around a dozen times since leaving his house on a stupid whim after receiving her stark response.

 It had seemed so glaringly obvious as he’d made his way out the door. They couldn’t meet but he could always go to her. It was comical, the complete turnabout he’d taken. From convincing himself that meeting with her was a terrible idea to knowing with absolute certainty that he needed to see her.

 But as he made his way into the shop he found himself once again questioning just what the hell he was playing at.

 “Well hello.”

 Tom’s attention snapped to the counter. Behind it stood a tall redhead with a bright smile and a gleam in her eye that made him more than a little uneasy. “Hello, I’m looking for Rosemary…”

 The redhead continued to smile at him, her smile growing by the moment. “Of course you are.” She laughed, shaking her head. “She’s in the back.” She pointed towards the back of the store. “Go on.”

 He nodded in thanks and made his way towards the doorway that would lead, he assumed, to the storeroom and office. He could her the murmur of Rosemary’s voice as he drew closer to the office. Annoyance and exasperation were clear in her tone.

 “Well that’s not good enough.” She groaned. “No, I really don’t care, nor frankly do I believe, that the order got lost in the post….No, that is not good enough. I need those packages here by the end of the week at the absolute latest…That’s not my problem.” She paused, “Fine. If they aren’t you will most certainly be hearing from me.” He heard the phone slam against its receiver followed by a deep sigh.

 He stepped boldly into the office, coffees at the ready. “I come in peace.”

 Rosemary started, hand clapping against her chest. “Tom?!”

 Tom smiled sheepishly. Scaring her hadn’t been his intent. “I figured since you couldn’t come for coffee I could bring the coffee to you.” He placed her cup on the corner of the desk. He then fished several sachets of sugar and small containers of creamer from his pockets and set them beside the cup with a shrug. “I didn’t know how you take it so…”

 Rosemary’s smile was blinding. “Thank you.” She grabbed the to go cup and removed its lid. She then grabbed two sachets of sugar and a container of cream, emptying them into her cup with practiced ease. He stored that knowledge away. For next time.

 She gestured Tom to take the open chair on the opposite side of the desk. He pulled the chair closer to Rosemary’s and settled himself. “I take it things aren’t running as smoothly as you’d like.” He gestures briefly at the phone and the stack of papers on the desk before her.

 “Not really.” She took a sip of her coffee. “I’ve honestly had better days.”

 Tom nodded, “That I can certainly understand. I hope all will be as it should soon.”

 He watched as she fiddled with the empty creamer container. The fact that she appeared just as nervous as he had been was heartening. She quickly seemed to catch herself, tossing the container in the nearby wastebasket and settling her hands firmly in her lap. “Thank you. For the coffee, I mean. I felt awful canceling on you like that. Especially at the last minute.”

 He smiled, “Trust me, I understand last minute emergencies. I’ve had to cancel many a date when shooting or rehearsal ran longer than expected.”

 She frowned slightly and he could have kicked himself. Way to sound like a prat, Tom, nicely done.

“I mean…”

 She waved off his explanation. “No, I know what you mean. But still, thank you all the same.”

 “I’m glad. I really did want to see you again.” He didn’t know where the words were coming from but he couldn’t deny the truth in them. Despite everything, he truly had wanted to see her again. To get the chance to know her better. To talk with her.

 She blushed, ducking her head slightly behind the coffee cup in her hand.  “I really wanted to see you again too,” she admitted.

 They sat and talked until their coffees had long since gone cold. They talked about their mutual love of books. About living in the city. Places they’d been and places they wanted to go. About plays and movies. About just about everything that seemed to pass through their minds.

 It was effortless between them in a way Tom hadn’t experienced in too long a time. He felt as though he could have sat with her in that tiny office for the rest of time and been completely content.

 As he walked back towards the underground and home, Tom found himself feeling truly excited once more. He had no idea where this would lead but he knew with absolute certainty that Rosemary was someone he didn’t want to be without.

Next