#no one is paying stef for this nonsense

[coneygoil]

The House We Built Together, part 10

Two young Vikings. An arranged marriage. Hiccup always wanted to win the girl of his dreams, but not like this. Now he and Astrid must learn to live together and maybe one day, learn to love…

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 

Writer’s note: Overwhelming thank you to Stef (@chiefhiccstrid) for always being there to brainstorm and talk through ideas with me! I appreciate her SO MUCH! <3

He was awake at his desk again. Astrid had pieced together the daily events that seemed to drive Hiccup to restlessness during the night. They’d gravitate too near to some form of physically closeness during the day. Like, the day Astrid allowed Hiccup to see her state of undress. His pencil had scratched furiously that evening, grating on her nerves and she’d yelled at him to stop. Hiccup was abashed the next morning and kept apologizing until Astrid pushed him out the door for work.

She’d kissed him earlier today – her simple proof that she was on his side. A gesture that spoke more than any words could. Astrid knew that was the exact reason he was playing insomniac once more.

Astrid threw the furs off, swinging her legs around. If they both were to get any sleep, she’d give something Hiccup had secretly been longing for. He didn’t know that she knew. The warmth of his hand had hover over her side for several nights in the weeks following their wedding, but Hiccup never dared to touch her. His respect to wait upon her permission was enduring. It was also frustrating as all get out.

“Hiccup,” her drowsy, slightly gravelly, voice drifted over his shoulder.

Hiccup’s hand froze. His shoulders tensed knowing his sketching had woken her once more. Astrid slid the pencil from his grip and set it on the freshly sketched parchment.

“Astrid-“ he mumbled as she pulled him by the elbow, but Astrid shook her head, dreading the apologizes that were about to tip off his tongue.

She led him to the bed, crawling onto her side. Hiccup got the hint, not protesting or laying on the remorse as he climbed under the furs along with her. Astrid filled her lungs, building up the courage to step across this new boundary. Once she gave him this, there was no turning back.

Before Hiccup could settle in on his designated side of the bed, Astrid found his left hand – the hand that reached out to her but languished in attempt. Her heart thudded as loud as Hiccup’s shuddered breathing. She rolled onto her left side, placing his hand onto the dip of her waist.

His fingers were rigid on the fabric of her nightgown. It seemed like an eternity before his digits relaxed and the palm of his hand met the curve of her waist.

Astrid wasn’t used to being touched – not like this. She was never one to daydream about a boy taking her into his arms and kissing her softly in the moonlight. She didn’t have time for that nonsense with the hardships of Viking life and training for war. But the weight of Hiccup’s hand upon her waist was nice. It was also nice to be wanted for more than being another warrior on the battlefield.

As her body became heavy and sleep washed over her, Astrid reasoned in her drowsy state of mind that she could get used to this.

***

The muttonhead was staring at her.

Astrid’s grip on the ax handle tightened, whitening her knuckles. How could Snotlout have the gall to gawk disgustingly at her after he roughed-up her husband the day before? On top of that, they were in the middle of training to fight a Deadly Nadder! Indignation roiled in her veins. The more he stared, the hotter her blood climbed.

She wasn’t sure what Snotlout thought he’d accomplish by planting the doubt in Hiccup’s mind. Did he think Hiccup would demand an immediate annulment and Astrid would come running to him? The very thought was absurd, but Snotlout’s thought process was somewhere between his eyes and his nose.

The staring just wouldn’t let up.

“Shouldn’t you be paying attention to the Deadly Nadder that’s trying to kill us?”

“How can I when I’m blinded by your hotness, Astrid? Get it? The sun is hot and it blinds you.” Snotlout snickered at his own stupid comparison.

If it weren’t for the life or death situation they were in, Astrid would have yakked directly on Snotlout’s boots. The sound of the Nadder’s footsteps were still a way’s off. Globber’s yelling echoed through the walls of the training maze for them to get moving, but Astrid ignored the order.

“Stop oogling, Snotlout.”

“Aw, c’mon, babe.”

Astrid clinched her jaw and her body stiffened. She stood from her crouched position by the temporary wooden wall and stalked up to Snotlout with fire in her eyes. She snatched the front of his shirt, and Snotlout yelped at the tug of his chest hair in her grip.

“Number one: staring at anyone like you’re doing is rude and disgusting! Number two: I’m married to Hiccup and that makes me automatically off limits!” She leaned in closer, making Snotlout whimper as she yanked at his chest hairs in the mercy of her hold.

“I know what you did to Hiccup,” she hissed. “If you ever lay a finger on him again, you’ll have to answer to me.” She raised her axe dangerously close to his face. Snotlout’s eyes darted alarmingly from her burning gaze to the glint of the blade. “Do I make myself clear, Jorgensen?”

Snotlout nodded plenty as another tiny, frightened yelp escaped him.

The booming of massive feet and scraping of claws on rock drew closer. Astrid pushed Snotlout against the wooden wall, and stalked away with renewed vigor to fight the dragon searching for them.

***

It was a silly thing, really. To daydream of soft caresses and lips colliding, but that’s where Astrid’s thoughts had been for three whole days.

She doesn’t recollect much from the kiss she’d laid on her husband. She reacted before she’s given herself a chance to realize what she was doing. It was all a blur save for the warmth of his lips on hers that she compared to a toasty drink in the middle of winter.

She may not have recalled much from the kiss they shared, but the weight of Hiccup’s hand was scorched onto the skin of her waist. She’d laid there for several minutes as his stiff digits relaxed into a comfortable hold. It was nice – a little too nice – and the sensation had stayed there ever since.

The warrior part of her scoffed at such trivial notions. She was a shieldmaiden of Midgard and had vowed to protect her homeland from vile, destructive beasts. She should crave the hardness of the ax handle more than the softness of a touch.

As the days ticked by, Astrid couldn’t shake the need. And as blunt as she could be at times, she now felt a sense of embarrassment to seek out such needs. It was easier to use Hiccup’s doubts and pining for an excuse to bestow physical affection. Her own needs and longings were creeping up on her and she didn’t know how to express them.

Would she be thought of as a weaker version of herself if she wished for a peck on the cheek or a warm hand to take hers? Her parents weren’t exactly the best example of a romantic relationship. But every now and then, out of the corner of her eye, she’d spy her father’s hand grace her mother’s lower back, or her mother steal a kiss when her father set off in search of the dragon’s nest.

Astrid could live with the small gestures of affection. After three days of convincing herself that it was okay, she took action.

Hiccup had resigned to his designated side of the bed. He hadn’t dared to reach out for her, even with hesitant fingers. He was, at least, in bed instead of scratching away at his desk.

It didn’t seem like he was going to make a move anytime soon. With her back to him, Astrid scooted over just a tad. Maybe getting closer would give Hiccup a hint that he still had her permission. Barely a few seconds passed when she felt the bed stuffings shift. She waited with a held breath, but no hand cupped her side.

Astrid chanced a glance over her shoulder to find Hiccup had moved away from her instead of closer. Her jaw clinched. Maybe that hint wasn’t clear enough. She had only scooted over a fraction.

Astrid pushed herself over with her feet, a little too quickly into the space Hiccup had warmed already. The curve of her backend bumped Hiccup’s knee. Before Astrid could knew it, there was a loud thud and the weight of Hiccup had disappeared on the bed.

She froze, her cheeks instantly warming. It took her a moment to push away the embarrassment and she sat up to look over the edge of the bed. In the dark, she could see the outline of him rubbing his backside.

“You know, if you wanted some more space on the bed, you could have just asked,” Hiccup remarked.

“I was trying to-“ give you a hint, Astrid finished in her head. Her whole face was engulfed in flames and she was thankful for the darkness in the room.

“Trying to what?” Hiccup inquired as he got to his feet.

She wanted to scream it out to him, but voicing her wants was too much for her. She could battle dragons all day long with the courage of ten Vikings, but telling her own husband she wanted to cuddle threw that courage out the window. She started moving back to her side of the bed. “Never mind. Are you okay?”

Hiccup crawled under the furs again. “I’m fine.”

They settled back down for a normal night of occupying the edges of the bed. Astrid squeezed her eyes tight as she blew out a frustrated sigh through her nose, berating herself for being that silly lovestruck girl she was not.

 @martabm90 @justatranquilcloud @saieras

[nightcoremoon]

So I finally watched Deadpool 2. long post. very... very... very long.

back in 2009 my then 7 year old sister really got into avatar the last airbender and I hadn't really watched it but I had to share the tv with my four sisters and honestly between the kids television and disney sitcoms it was a breath of fresh air, and for a year and a half we would wait for reruns of episodes we hadn't seen yet. avatar was the show that got me into fandoms. alas, time passed and by the time korra was playing we'd moved to a different house and lost cable tv because the stepfather refused to pay child support and we were on a one parent income. we didn't really do anything together anymore either because I was in high school now. but then she got super into comic books. and I mean SUPER into them. especially harley quinn and deadpool. so when they announced the first movie and suicide squad we had both collectively lost our shit in excitement. alas, mom said she wasn't allowed to watch it since it was rated R and she was only 14. so one late february afternoon I was gonna take her out to see a movie. I told mom we were going to go see zoolander 2. in the car, I looked at her and said

we're not watching zoolander

and she screamed

and we watched deadpool

AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME

anyway more time passed and I heard that a second one was coming out and I wanted to do the same thing but that didn't happen and I lost my chance to see it in the theater. and then as I got enraptured in transitioning and working and a whole bunch of other stuff I just never got around to it. I did watch all of the supporting videos and trailers and stuff though. anyways, my sister (yes the same one) just rented it on dvd from a video store and watched it with her boyfriend today (actually yesterday but shut up), so I just sat down to watch it after work and

It

Was

...

a little disappointing at first, don't get me wrong. there were a lot of plot contrivances and I LOATHE fridge stuffing. I literally made a joke, "if she dies I'm gonna be mad" and then BOOM she fucking died and I was so pissed off I almost just turned it off. but I decided fuck it might as well watch the whole thing. it was a huge step forward from a technical perspective and all of the cinematography was on point and I could tell david pulled his a-game and did so much better than tim did (sorry tim, I love mass effect 2 and scott pilgrim if it's any consolation) and felt so much more fluid of an action movie considering the man did john fucking wick. of course ryan was fantastic too, as he always is. everyone was great: rena, tj, karan, leslie, BRI AND KUTSUNA-SAN, zazie, and stef's voice plus the cgi crew. also I always love terry crews, bill skarsgard, matt damon, alan tudyk, and the two seconds that brad pitt was on screen, even if their appearances were for comedic effect. I wasn't really sold on julian though but he's a newcomer on the scene and he did pretty well for all intents and purposes. I could tell which scenes were filmed first thought but this isn't a scathing attack on a child's acting abilities. I'm just angry that the actual plot for getting to the end was so weak, that they're aware and had ryan lampshade the fuck out of it, and the last half hour was such a trip.

okay so first of all how in the FUCK did sergei figure out who deadpool's secret identity was, track down wade wilson's apartment, get a hit crew together, and make his way downtown in the amount of time it took dopinder to drive wade home, wade and vanessa to bang, and them to start watching a movie? oh yeah sure there's nothing saying that their talk about his daddy issues was the same day let alone the same hour as the previous scene except for the simple fact that there was no fucking indication that any time had passed. either way, someone fucked up, and it was for the sole purpose of fridging ness to cause wade manpain. although frankly the only thing I hate worse than killing off the previous waifu for the next is breaking them up for zero reason whatsoever from out of nowhere (or doing both: if you do both then you're no better than paul blart mall cop 2 and that movie is a steaming blight on humanity that's only saved by perfectly syncing to pink floyd's dark side of the moon album). and to be fair THEY ACTUALLY USED THAT AS A PLOT ELEMENT AND MADE ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND HAUNTING SCENES I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE. and also a hilarious one. so that sucked at first but then redeemed itself later. I'm still a little salty that he killed francis for nothing. MORE ON KILLING LATER.

(actually upon reflection maybe wade didn't hide his secret identity at all so it's perfectly reasonable that sergei just went after him but that would awaken a whole swathe of problems like why the fuck are wade and ness livin in the middle of the city full of crime and shit??? and more on that later)

dopinder killing his rival in love. come on now, that's just unrealistic. dopinder is too fucking incompetent to successfully murder anyone who isn't a pedophile. MORE ON THAT LATER.

the suicide. I can understand going out with a bang but are we supposed to believe that wade bought all those barrels, wheeled them in, and arranged them all and never once thought "well gee maybe I'm overreacting a little bit"? okay, he was depressed and not thinking clearly, but he was constantly getting drunk, doing coke, and god knows what else. he somehow didn't have the clarity to not kill himself but had just enough to arrange such an extravagant death? yeah yeah I get it, rule of funny and cool, and I can forgive it because it's deadpool, but god damn it that's really lazy (AND GODDAMN IT THEY EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE IT TOO. ITS LIKE THE ROYAL RAT AUTHORITY BONFIRE HERE). it's also indicative that weasel and colossus and dopinder are just bad or at least distant friends. and at least althea has an excuse being that she can't see. but as for the other two? bruh he is suicidal and unstable as hell. the last thing he needs is SPACE. but well maybe he hid it well, like kurt cobain, robin williams, chris cornell, chester bennington, okay writing this sentence maybe that actually does make sense. fuck.

negasonic thought that wade "flamboyant pansexual" wilson was lesbophobic? what? I understand it was for a joke but like come on now. surely she'd know that wade legitimately wanted to fuck colossus but wouldn't because he loved vanessa. lesbian gaydar works well, okay? then again the writers are not lesbians so I mean they can't be faulted for not grasping the raw power lesbians exude. (and if there's canonical evidence negasonic is actually bi, the same rule applies because wlw solidarity and stuff). and that's more than made up with the interactions between wade and yukio. whom I love and would die for. she's delightful and I hope she gets plenty of screentime in DP3. (also lmao 'pinkie pie from my little pony'. the real pink pony would be proud)

now, I get that this is purely because of license issues and budget constraints but THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF THE X MEN COEXISTING WITH THE PEDOPHILE HOME AND THE ICE BOX IN THE SAME UNIVERSE IS SO FUCKING ASININE. even if I made concessions for everyone being dead despite the timeline being fucked up the ass without lube, and admitting to never having watched literally any x men movie past X3 and yes that means I've not seen origins, japan arc [wait shit yukio's in that WTF SONY], first class, days of future past, apocalypse, or logan so I'm not an expert on the field but like. FUCK. I know there's jurisdiction, things change, erik is away and charles is dead (I think) and logan is dead (I know), and there's six whole movies I'm lost on, but jesus christ, none of that segment had any work done to make sure it was logical. so here we're supposed to believe that colossus and negasonic took wade as a trainee in the X Jet to Allegorical Racist/Homophobic And Literal Pedophile Central to... do what, exactly? What was the fucking plan? Because it sure as fuck looks like the plan was to distract him enough to force the Devil May Cry (sorry but I see DMC I either think of the rap duo or the game series) to haul him off to fucking prison to the fucking nth power. Colossus who seems to be the head honcho and sole decision maker of the X Men just stood by and watched until bullets started flying. Was he recruiting? Was he the damage control? Was he the cheap plot moving device whose sole reason for showing up at Essex was to punch Wade out before he killed headmaster touchykids allowing for the hamfisted climax? Clearly if we were to derive any conclusion from this circlejerk we have to assume that not only Colossus but the entirety of the XMansion just don't give a fuck anymore, or that it isn't important to make sense because hey this is a Deadpool movie so fuck you for using logic. Excuse the shit out of me for being confused as to what the fuck actually happened, because if Colossus is willing to let Wade get thrown into prison for killing a pedophile but he's not gonna TAKE ACTUAL LEGAL ACTION AGAINST ESSEX HOUSE FOR TORTURING MUTANT CHILDREN FOR DECADES (Domino admitted to it being the same when she was a kid), either it's just a Public Relations nightmare to not let the Run-DMC haul him off, Essex is a legal powerhouse on the same level as the Westboro Baptist Cult with lawyers up the ass, or they changed a lot of shit from the trailers and cobbled together what they could from what remained (which is the most likely suspect because Bedlam and Shatterstar had scenes in the trailer where they were not dead and were actually fighting with Wade and Domino). Regardless, the scene however dumb and nonsensical was necessary I guess, and established Russell/Firefist as a character. I'm still gonna be pissed about that in particular but HOLY SHIT is that stupid. But that's not all that's stupid. More on that later.

Cable's motivations are grief. His hypocrisy is understandable. Killing kids is wrong so I'm gonna kill a kid so he doesn't kill other kids. Why doesn't Russel deserve life? Because he's a mutant? Wow, Thanos is racist AND mutant-phobic! In all seriousness though, all Cable had to do was nothing to prevent his family's death. If he had stayed in the future, nobody would have broken Russel out so there would be no way in hell he'd have killed the headmaster let alone everyone else he did. Although according to the laws of time travel, the timeline Cable came from was the timeline that he went back in time and did everything exactly the way it happened up until Wade took that bullet for Russel. Because that's the moment the teddy bear lost its bloodstain. Because literally not a goddamn thing changed the course of history up until that exact moment, THAT IS THE EXACT FUCKING MOMENT IT BUTTERFLY EFFECTED ITS WAY TO HELL AND BACK. Cable's dead family is a direct result of him going back in time to kill Russel to save them and failing miserably. And god I love time travel paradoxes UGH I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH. We have to assume Cable failed and that's why he succeeded. THATS SO FUCKING STUPID.

And you know what else is stupid? Wade made it back to New York after breaking out of DMC. How is that stupid? Well, first of all, the facility wasn't looking for THEIR MOST DANGEROUS INMATE. Black Tom said it himself, Wade is the toughest cunt in there. Although Juggernaut is way more powerful but whatever. More on that later. Anyway, the facility got the riot back on lockdown despite Cable decimating most of the staff, and got everyone in line enough to get them to start convoying to the more secure location. Did they see that Wade was missing and decide "hey, fuck it, what can the literally most unkillable man in the world with the most enormous boner for revenge in the universe POSSIBLY do to us who forced him to slowly die of cancer all over again in a hell prison???" Fucking stupid. Even dumber is the actual X Men themselves not giving a shit that there was an attack on the ice box which is apparently Mike Pence's wet dream, not lifting a finger to so much as offer assistance TO ENSURE THE SAFETY AND REHABILITATION OF ALL OF THE MUTANT INMATES, or even so much as being like "hey guys is Wade doing okay dying from cancer in your Guantanamo Bay?". And dumber still than that is Colossus deciding that Wade deserves to slowly die of cancer since he killed a pedophile who abused a kid so bad he used his powers for destruction and murder and evil and eventually became one of the most deadly sociopathic murderers in the fucked up future world, rationalizing it because Wade broke the rules of being an X-man by killing, even though Wade didn't wanna be an X-man in the first place. Colossus dragged Wade from his suicide directly to the X manor to get his body healed, forced him along to a mission he didn't wanna be a part of, and then punished him for killing a pedophile by forcing him to die slowly from the cancer while getting the shit kicked out of him by convicts. AND THEN WADE APOLOGIZED TO COLOSSUS? ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL HERE? WADE WAS SUICIDAL AND COLOSSUS FORCED HIM INTO PRISON. Bad friend, 0/10.

Seriously, a queer military vet with ptsd and a fucked up past replete with daddy issues who developed cancer and was then tortured by a shadow organization went on a revenge spree followed by a murder spree as a mercenary, and expressed that he's a violent psychopath who won't hesitate to murder sex traffickers or pedophiles or people who threaten his girl, and watched said girl (the only good thing in his fucked up life) die right in his arms immediately after his life was about to go in a good direction and start a family and probably give up all of the murder business and just be the best dad in the world and give a good life to someone to make up for the one he never got himself, did a cocaine bender, and literally committed suicide. But his godforsaken mutation wouldn't let him die, so he couldn't even see his Vanessa again. He clearly has severe clinical depression and needed a FUCKING MENTAL HOSPITAL STAY, not being shoved into a planless feeble attempt to get him to join the Xmen (using him for an extra hand for missions), and he was allowed to BRING THE GUNS, and he was confronted with a physically and sexually abused CHILD with mutant powers he probably didn't ask for that ruined his life and got him sent to Essex, a BIG KNOWN HOTSPOT FOR PEDOPHILES, and he has a big problem with sex criminals (oh yeah and the girl he loved so much he killed himself when she died? sex worker with a life full of being sexually assaulted herself. let alone the fact that wade has been sexually assaulted as well). You take a queer, mentally ill, suffering man and push him past his breaking point, and let him bring guns to a pedophile nest, HE IS GOING TO KILL THE PEDOPHILES. Colossus is a fucking cunt in this situation in every single conceivable fashion. He dragged Wade out of the frying pan, and out of the fire, and into the fucking woodchipper, before stepping on him. The situation is so far behind fucked up that I don't even think the crew fully grasp the full gravity of the situation described. But I digress.

Things weren't all bad from this point on.

The recruitment was funny and full of people. Dopinder's reaction at Peter was amazing and I love him. Domino was fucking phenomenal and I loved her. I knew that everyone else was dead from the moment I saw them, though, but I still loved them anyway. Brad. fucking. Pitt. Great action scene all around. Josh Brolin is just the baddest of asses. Murphy's law is supreme.

Juggernaut's reveal was well done. Still dumb but not quite "AHM THE JUGGANAUT BITCH" dumb. Cool dumb. And then he Megatron'd Wade which was even cooler. I thought Russell joining him was a little dumb but it was quite a callback. Although it begs the question: Wade knew it was foreshadowing something and he knew that Juggernaut existed but he just isn't omniscient and the inconsistency is driving me fucking bonkers. This isnt the Deadpool of the comics. This is the movie Deadpool. And while I do like it I can't say it's without flaws. That's ok but still annoying as fuck. And then more flaws.

It's stupid that Colossus would react the way he did when he learned Wade was back. Well if Colossus was moping about because an entire convoy of mutants literally fucking died except for Juggernaut (PROFESSOR X'S BROTHER IN THIS CHRONOLOGY) and Russell, that's even dumber. If he learned Wade was back at that moment then he's not even paying attention to anything considering Deadpool was out and about. Negasonic and Yukio didn't look too surprised to see him. Lazy writing, lampshades, whatever, blah blah who even fucking cares.

The heroes show up just in time. Shocking. But of course if they didn't it'd be a boring movie.

The action scene was FANTASTIC. It balanced four different fight scenes all at once. Why Jug didn't rip Cable in half like he did Wade I won't ask, maybe because he's half robot I guess idk. Still, Wade/Cable, Domino, and Colossus kicked ass, and Russell's advance to the headmaster was beastly. Julian's acting wasn't the best and neither was Eddie's but I got what they went for and HOLY SHIT THE SCENE IS SO CHILLING, especially for queer youth. Bryan Singer could only dream of that level of subtle analogues.

I thought it was dumb that Cable was all like "if Russell kills then he'll be an evil monster since killing is wrong" even though literally every one of the people there have killed several people that fucking day. Cable killed many, Wade killed many, Domino killed many. Granted they killed mostly pedophiles but they also killed a lot of DMC people & innocent civilians (accidentally). But again he was grieving so whatever.

Negasonic and Yukio had their moment too, I just wish there was more. But that's what the threequel is for. WE WANT MORE LESBIANS!

Wade has balls, I'll give him that. Where he kept that power nullifier I'll never know. [also... fuck that noise. they just have a collar that turns off mutant powers? ORORO WILL HAVE A FUCKIN ANEURYSM. and marie will have an orgasm. for once in her life. hahaha references]. But it was still a great scene. Russell is actually a really good character, if he is a bit Woobie, Destroyer Of Worlds. But I like that trope. Simon from Cry of Fear is one of my favorite characters in that respect; sympathetic even to the very end if he kills Purnell and Sophie (god that monologue is so haunting... "have fun cleaning my brains off the wall. FUCK YOU."). He's basically just a mini Wade but a mutant first. And it allowed Wade to have a defining character moment.

And what a moment. There's a quote that was said about The Princess Bride that I feel works here. It was about the Inigo fight with Rugen. "A comedy is only as strong as the moment when it stops being funny." And the moment when Inigo stabs Rugen, and says "I want my father back, you son of a bitch." is just permanently etched in my mind because the entire movie you watch with a smile up until right at that moment. And when Wade finally bites it, you think "oh, he'll just wake up again and make another joke" but he doesn't. He doesn't move again. He shows up on death's door. And you hear the acoustic version of Take On Me. And he walks through the fog door, and he's got his skin back. He did it, he's finally reunited with Vanessa. And Cable looks away, and you start to piece together where they're going with it, and he goes back, and you wonder wtf is this, and it returns to the present day and Wade digs in the wound AND PULLS OUT THE SKEE BALL TOKEN HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS OH MY GOD THATS THE COOLEST SHIT IVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE JESUS CHRIST ON A STICK.

THE ENTIRE ENDING SCENE IS SO ICONIC.

And the whipped cream on top of the sundae is the headmaster getting creamed in the middle of his tirade. And then Dopinder's reaction is the cherry.

After that it kinda does the sappy ending which is fine for what it is. And then it brings in all the fourth wall breaking time travel shenanigans, drenching it in sap and Ryan Reynolds' brains.

The music is just OH MY GOD amazing. Yeah there's the pina colada song and skrillex and celine dion and ac/dc and enya and pat benatar and peter gabriel and cher and steve miller and for some reason diplo/french montana/lil pump but THOSE ARE ALL ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD OKAY???

The movie is chock full of amazing lines.

The fights are all really fluid and visceral.

The cinematography is always on point.

The plot formula is shaken up a little bit.

Several pedophiles die incredibly violently.

ITS A REALLY GREAT MOVIE, FOR REAL.

I'd literally say it's better than the first one.

All of the plot contrivances in the first half are negligible and are barely even problems unless you overanalyze them too much. Like I do.

And I also watched all of the extras... Celine Dion is such a good sport, really, and honestly kind of a dork and super endearing and I love her honestly and think she caught too much flak for being a) a woman b) popular c) in the worst 'romance' movie ever made tifuckintanic god I hate that movie so much despite loving kate winslett, leonardo dicaprio, and james cameron as much as I really loathe to admit it. And Ashes is a really good song.

And I never thought I'd say this but... Lil Pump has really nice flow. I really kinda hope he isn't the dead one. I despise French Montana but I love Sia and by extension Diplo (because LSD), and the song they did for the movie was... bad. But I'll probably be checking out Lil Pump soon.

And anyway the winter solstice mtv unplugged acoustic version of take on me? Beautiful.

I enjoyed this movie a lot, despite the nitpicks.

Thank you Canada. 🇨🇦

[latinalesbi]

How do you know that was Sherri & Teri unscripted last episode ?

They won’t script the behavior of party participants, they might tell them where to stand but I can’t imagine all that being scripted at all.\

Anonymous said:                                                                      I definitely feel like they cut a scene when stef and Lena were talking to mike at the party. It felt way too short and the scene we did get didn’t really reflect the promo pictures.   

I think it might have been shortened. The pictures don’t always match up with what was shot. At least we have that affection from pictures.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Do you think they would make Aaron abusive ? You say he’s controlling so could that he a sigh ? Plus they haven’t covered that.

It’s a story they haven’t written. From where I am sitting, it’s classic controlling relationship. If all of Callie’s exes are there lol, he’s going to blow…

                                                                                  Anonymous said:                                                                      I liked tonight’s episode. It wasn’t the best obviously, but Stef and Lena had some sweet moments together. I did miss the scene that we saw in the promotional pictures, with them talking to Mike. They probably cut that scene out. But a couple of things are bothering me. First of all, when Lena came home and everyone was having dinner, Stef and Lena didn’t kiss! That was the perfect opportunity. Is that not something partners do? My parents always use to kiss each other when they came home.

Secondly, did you see Stef pull Lena close and kiss her on the cheek at about 20 minutes in? They were in the background and it was when Ana and Gabe were talking and Jesus was just leaving. I actually think it was Teri kissing Sherri, and it was really cute. Why can’t that be something they do in the show? Teri and Sherri obviously don’t mind, the chemistry is there!! 

And thirdly, I miss them showing affection to each other. I want to see them kiss, hug, make love. Or laying in each others arms. I am 23 years old and it is baffling to me that this show is the only show where there are 2 moms raising a family. I want to see myself represented, and I want to see a family that I once hope to have. I hope the writers understand how important it is. Sorry about the rant, lol. I just needed a platform to express how I feel and your tumblr is perfect for that.

I liked it too! They were sweet, funny and domestic. I know some claim we want to see the L Word, I never have said that. I want it to be realistic and comparable to straight couples. I also noticed that Lena coming home required a kiss and it was odd that it wasn’t scripted. This is where realism fails to pass the test. Second point, yikes thanks to you anon for pointing it out, as soon as I read your anon, I went to gif so thank you for that. I would have never rewatched that scene. When I saw it, I don’t think I looked at the screen. Third point, realism. I miss it too and we aren’t getting it in the finale :( It’s very sad. I am much older and I want to see that too. I am starting to have that family now. I am one month into foster parenting, and yeah  we are finally less exhausted and missing sex lol. With teenagers that don’t need the same care, Stef and Lena can manage! And kissing, no excuse for it being completely missing. Mike and Ana have established date night, but Stef and Lena haven’t? Come on!

And thank you, you are always welcome to rant here!

Anonymous said:                                                                      Oh man the Tess storyline could’ve been so good but they decided to sideline the story and give us bio parents shit   

Yeah, this story hasn’t picked up at all. It has to go onto next season or I don’t really see the point. I mean, Tess is the next door neighbor, she’s not going anywhere.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I feel like there might be a blacklash when Callie and Aaron break up cause some people might say it’s transphobia but it isn’t.    

Yeah, there could be, but they should have picked up on that earlier and pitched for Cole to be the boyfriend. Aaron was this guy from the moment he showed up. The thing is if anyone has earned the right to tell different lgbt stories, it’s the fosters. I never had a problem with making Monte a bad person. I still think she is.

 Anonymous said:                                                                      The preview for next week only proves what you and so many other people have been saying - Aaron is really controlling. Now he thinks he gets to dictate who Callie can or cannot be friends with? And he’s a huge hypocrite because Callie & AJ were dating when he decided to disrespect their relationship by pursuing her even after she told him she had a boyfriend - to the point of being openly hostile and rude to AJ for no reason. I hope Aaron

Well, people are saying it now, but they weren’t saying it before. I never liked Aaron because of the way he behaved with AJ. He reminded me of this guy who broke up my friend’s marriage by being that friend who listened who confirmed her every suspicion and was always there to tell her she deserved better. Well, they did hook up after her divorce but it did not last. Clearly.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I really enjoyed all the Callie and AJ stuff tonight. I wish they would just let Callie be single and work on herself, but if they insist on her being with someone I prefer AJ. He’s good for her because like you’ve mentioned, he calls her out on her BS when she needs it. But can also be really supportive. And they have a nice chemistry, I think. More than this weird forced stuff with Aaron, who is very controlling. 

Yes, ideally Callie would take her mom’s suggestions and be alone and listen to her own voice. Boys don’t have to tell you how to feel. I think the chemistry with AJ was easier, this thing with Aaron has been forced and not organic.  

Anonymous said:                                                                      Trying to make Gabe (and a bunch of other equally unnecessary, irrelevant characters) happen is easily the worst decision this show has made. I enjoyed that we got to see Stef & Lena talk stuff out tonight (and how sad is it that I saw that as a win and not a given?) but all the Gabe-Ana-Mike nonsense, like. No. Why? I hope Gabe is gone for good. They need to stop wasting valuable screentime on folks whose last name is not Adams Foster.

I don’t even understand why he took up screen time. I think he made Jesus worse and he’s a terrible example. I think this show has conveniently forgotten that 1. Gabe was a drug dealer and Ana was high. They would never have been able to raise twins together. 2. Those grandparents, knowing what I know now, the system would have tracked them down and offered them the kids. I don’t even know what excuse they used on the show, but they would have gotten the kids.

Ok back to Gabe, he’s not a better person now, he can’t hold a job, a home, he still dates people who are not age appropriate, or appropriate period. And he takes advice from an invested teenager with a tbi. He deserved that egg on his face.

Anonymous said:                                                                      it always feels like Gabe is only Jesus’ birth father, not Mariana’s. Like the guy leaves and write a letter to just Jesus ? Since he came it always felt like that. And I don’t understand why exactly Jesus would want his birth parents to get back together…. ? Why does he care ?             

This is another problem, the whole thing has been obnoxiously heterosexually gendered. A boy needs a father and a girl needs a mother. I don’t get why he’s suddenly invested. It’s not going to change the fact that he was raised in foster homes and left to die in a crib. It certainly has not made his current situation any better. He unleashes his anger at people who have tried to help him but the people that hurt him, he worships. I am over Jesus, probably forever. It’s been gross.

                                                                         Anonymous said:                                                                      these kids doesn’t care about Stef and Lena. Jesus wants his birth parents to get back together, he is so invested in that. Brandon did a lot for Mike, but they never pay that much attention to their moms. They don’t do nice things for them. When Stef and Lena were going in couple therapy, the kids knew but no one did something to help. I didn’t see Brandon looking for them as he did for Mike in this episode. I’m sad for Lena and Stef, they are all alone.             

I didn’t think of it that way but yep, they have never done anything for Stef and Lena, they got flowers or some shit. They take them for granted and essentially spit on them. It would even be ok if they didn’t bend over backwards for the bio parents. That’s what makes it disturbing.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I know you’re a fan of Stef and Lena, but I can’t be the only who is annoyed by the fact the characters that aren’t in the main cast get far more screen time than Jude?? Jude is not even in every episode, and when he is it’s like 5 minutes max. It’s ridiculous. 

Yes, I am annoyed. I’d rather see Mike than Gabe. I rather see Jude than Aaron. I think Aaron more than any other boyfriend has gotten so much airtime. I think that it’s probably Aaron and Gabe have had more screen time than Jude. I don’t know why the writers are so intent on worshipping Noah, David and Maia. They are just not that great or better than Cierra and Jude. Certainly not more deserving of time. Noah is absent and they mention it 30 times. Jude is gone and not a peep because he’s not important. It’s ironic that a show with 3 gay showrunners has marginalized it’s gay characters for heteronormativity.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Do you think Stef and Lena will go to prom together since it appears Stef is dressed up during the next episode??            

It might make some sense for Lena to do so but I don’t think so. I think they are at home with Tess and husband and the adults have drama there. I think big things will be revealed here, but so far this hasn’t been much about Tess. If Tess has feelings, then it’s about Tess and not Stef and that’s just not as interesting. I’d like to see the couples be friends, not sure I’ll get it.

Back to Prom. I think Callie calls in Stef to protect Ximena. Ximena may be in cuffs but it might be Stef’s way of keeping her out of Ice’s hands.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I know that Stef loves Lena, but do you think she still have feelings for Tess. And will Tess be in the finale??             

I don’t think she has feelings. Nothing this season has even hinted at that. I think she still feels that teenage rejection but it’s not the issue here. Tess will be in the finale.

Anonymous said:                                                                      First let me say…I think you’re doing an amazing job balancing your time between raising your foster kids and still maintaining your blog!!! I have always valued your insight into the show and especially Stef and Lena. So, I would love to hear how you think the 5A Season Finale plays out. Do you think Tess admits she had feelings for Stef, too. Or do you think the episode will be based solely on the teenagers?? Finally, do you think the Fosters will be renewed for a sixth season. Thanks…     

Thank you so much! It has helped that I took a month off work. It’s letting me get used to routines and the fosters will be over next week, just in time for me to go back to work.

I think we’ll get a good chunk of time at the Adams Foster house for a prom adult party. I don’t know why Tess’ son and his date have to leave from their house but they do and clearly their parents must be there. I think we’ll get a follow up about what has happened so far, but I am like 50/50 on what Tess intentions are. And that’s either poor writing or acting, or both. I can’t read her at all and the show hasn’t been building towards anything. I imagine we’ll find out why Tess moved and we’ll find out her true feelings about Stef in her youth. Then Stef gets a call from Callie about Ximena and she goes to fix that situation because god forbid they just have a normal prom. I am amazed it wasn’t a bomb or something. That’s next I am sure.

Season six? I don’t know, Brad said something the other day that sounded less sure than it did the week before. The ratings are in freefall and I am not sure they will. That will be really sad but you know, I can live with 5 season, especially if Teri and Sherri keep being insulted.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Do you think Callie and Aaron will break up in the next episode?            

Not likely, but they should.

[bands-we-love-imagines]

Brian Molko imagine

The guys and you decided to hang out after they had played their gig in some underground club in town. Although their performance wasn’t exactly best paid it was enough for them to buy some drinks and have some fun afterwards. Brian insisted on buying you a drink and you wanted to decline his favor like you always did simply cause you knew he wasn’t in the position do be generous but tonight you couldn’t put him off since he was being keen to do something nice for you.

“Come on, (Y/N)! Let me be a gentleman for once” he whined which caused you to roll your eyes. “I know you’re a gentleman, no need to prove it to me” you argued and gave him a smile. “I’m fine, really.” “But I wanna share a drink with you” he said and waved the bartender nearer to order two drinks. You sighed as you watched him fishing out some change to pay and you were conviced it was all the money he had left. By now you couldn’t help but smile though - you weren’t sure if he’d have done that for anyone else.

It was getting late already and anybody but Brian and you have had as many drinks as their wallet allowed.

“I guess we’re leaving” Stefan said and got up from the barstool. Just in that moment the barkeeper finished mixing your last drink, you shook your head whilst looking at Stef. “Well, can’t you guys wait for Brian and me?” A smirk appeared on Stefan’s face. “I don’t think that’s necessary.” “What?” you asked flabbergasted but no one felt the need to explain his comment. “Good night, guys.” “Yeah... night” you mumbled and looked after Stefan and Steve, still a little bit confused.

“Here’s your drink” Brian said who didn’t seem to be affected by the weird behavior of his band mates at all. “Thanks. So what was this about?” I guess they have other plans for tonight.” “Plans without you?” Brian shrugged and took a sip. You looked at the glass in your hand, reminding yourself once again how kind it was of Brian to treat you to a drink. When you averted your gaze and glanced at him you realized that he’s been looking at you. “What?” you asked. “Nothing, I was just wondering if you even like that drink.” “It’s my favorite.”

You were both getting tired and there was not much left to say between the two of you. This was usually the point of the night you happened to enjoy the most... everything was so calm and peaceful and Brian seemed to feel the same way about this situation. This time Brian broke the silence after a few minutes though: “I need to tell you something, (Y/N).” The second those words had left his mouth you almost choked on your drink. At one blow you realized what Stefan has been talking about... you glanced at Brian who nervously picked on his black nail polish while fixating the counter.

“Brian?”

He sighed and gave you a contrite look. “I have no place to stay for tonight.” You blinked a few times, assimilating the information. Now that you had prepared for something else it actually took you a while to react and in the meantime Brian misinterpreted your silence as a bad sign. “You don’t need to do anything about it, of course.” “No! I mean, yeah” you stammered and tried to pull yourself together when you noticed the confused look Brian gave you. “You can stay at my place. There is no question about that”

The way to your place wasn’t very far and soon the both of you reached the door to your apartment. You searched for the light switch and wished you hadn’t turned on the lamps - it must have been around two weeks since you last cleaned up all your shoes so now there was a risk of tripping over them, no matter where you set foot. You chuckled as you turned around to Brian who looked around with an amused glint in his eyes. “Well... welcome to my messy life.” “I like it” he said genuinely. “Where can I put my shoes?” he asked jokingly, you lightly hit his shoulder. “Very funny.”

You lead Brian into your small living room.

“Do you want something to drink? Or are you hungry?” Brian sat down on the couch and scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, I’m actually really thirsty.” He bit his bottom lip. “Oh man, I feel like I’m imposing on your kindness.” You gave him a small smile. “That’s nonsense, Brian. I’m glad I can be there for you.” “You’re sweet” he mumbled. “It’s understood. I’m not sure if I can actually offer you that much... I might have nothing but water.” “That’d be perfect.”

You walked into the kitchen to get something to drink. Those few minutes you had to yourself gave you enough time to realize the situation you were in. Brian was actually waiting in your living room for you. It was weird but it made you feel a little giddy to know that he would stay at your place tonight. You blamed the alcohol for feeling that way though.

Brian laid on your couch with his feet dangling over the armrest to leave space for you to sit down, his head was rested on a pillow. You sat down and glanced at him, he gave you a tired smile. “Thank you so much” he mumbled. “And thank you for that drink tonight” you said. “I didn’t do that to stay at your place thought, I just did it cause I like you” he implied. The corners of your mouth turned up. “I know. Do you wanna watch some TV?” Brian supported himself on his elbows to take a sip from the glass of water you had brought him and nodded.

Whilst you zapped from one TV channel to another, you absentmindedly started twirling a strand of Brian’s hair as if it was quite normal. Only when you felt Brian’s gaze on you, you darted a glance at him and realized what you were doing. You didn’t stop instantly though... it was such a nice feeling and the fact that Brian simply looked at you without saying a word created the impression that it didn’t actually bother him. When he sat up though your heart leapt into your throat. Maybe you went too far... admittedly it seemed as if you had made a husty judgement there cause Brian actually moved closer to you so he could rest his head on your lap instead of a pillow. You looked back at the TV screen, maybe your pink cheeks wouldn’t be that visible for Brian then.

“Why’d you stop?” he asked out of the blue, you chuckled softly and began playing with his hair again. You could hardly keep your eyes open anymore and tried to smother a yawn but you were too tired to actually suppress it. “I think I’m falling asleep” you mumbled. “Yeah, me too” Brian agreed. “We should probably sleep.” He sat up to let you get up from the couch. “Good night, (Y/N)” he said with a sweet smile on his lips. “Good night, Brian.” You walked towards your bedroom door but before you opened it you turned back around to Brian and hesitated before you called his name. Brian looked at you with tired eyes. “Yeah?” “Uhm... do you wanna stay with me for tonight? I mean, stay stay?” A smile lit up his face and he nodded. “I’d love that.”

[3one3]

The Sequel - 774

Talking To Girls

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea and BVB players, and random awesome OC’s

(okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

“You want more coffee while she’s up?” André asked the very comfortable girl using him as a lounger, who herself was serving as one for a sleeping child. The Schü Family Pile was a result of too much eating, too much cooking, and too much playing, in respect to each level in it. The biggest one put himself on the couch after his turkey dinner and declared himself too stuffed to move. Christina sat between his legs and turned him into a backrest as soon as she was done cleaning up from that dinner and putting away the leftovers, exhausted from making and serving so many dishes to so many people. The littlest one tried to persevere through his impending tryptophan coma to play basketball but eventually walked over to the corner of the couch and asked for a lift. Even the dogs were passed out.

“No thank you,” the rider yawned. I won’t be able to sleep if I have more coffee and then I’ll be tired tomorrow and tomorrow is Boxing Day football! I’m too excited for that to ruin it being cranky, she reasoned. Plus we’re going to Juan’s for dinner and that’s going to take forever, and there will be tons of people there, and Tay Tay’s parents, and I’m going to have like...a whole balancing act to perform between Juan’s parents treating me like the daughter-in-law they want and keeping that from boyfriend, and Taylor, and... You know, this dinner is going to be more complicated than I initially anticipated. Suddenly there was a vignette in her head in which she chatted and laughed with Juan’s mom about old times or something while Taylor and André poured each other drinks and glared with intense indignation and Juan avoided making eye contact with the author’s parents.

“Why are the Die Hard movies considered Christmas movies?” Melanie asked from the middle of the couch. She was on her back with her head on Rafa’s lap, and Christina’s cashmere blanket. “They show them a hundred times during the holidays.”

“They take place at Christmastime,” her dad pointed out. He had the other corner of the couch and looked remarkably similar in posture to André despite not having two other people between his legs. “The bad guys brought their guns into the airport in gift-wrapped boxes, remember?”  

“No.”

“Pay better attention,” André chirped. His mom handed him a full glass of water from behind the couch, and Christina eyed it suspiciously.

“If you drink that after the giant cup of coffee you’re gonna have to pee in 5 minutes and that means I have to get up and that means Luke has to get up and do you understand how much we don’t want to get up?” she asked, borderline disgruntled. Her body was virtually asleep already except for her mouth and the hand rubbing her son’s head. He was drooling on her. And it wasn’t so much that she was so comfortable and sedate that she couldn’t fathom having to evacuate her spot, but that she’d been waiting for Lukas to give her the time of day since he got up that morning. He was way more into toys and wrapping paper, breakfast, playing, seeking attention from his aunt, uncle, and grandparents, throwing handfuls of mashed potatoes from his highchair onto the floor for the dogs, trying to climb into his wagon so that he could reach the ornaments on the Christmas tree, and attempting to disappear out of sight of whoever was supposed to be watching him because his new thing was that he didn’t want anyone to see when he was pooping in his diaper. He had to hide somewhere, and then he tried to pretend like it didn’t bother him that his diaper was full and he could go back to playing, but it was only a matter of minutes before the mess became deeply upsetting and he presented himself to an adult with an unhappy frown and pleading eyes on the verge of tears. Christina was usually that adult, and she just wanted some time with him besides changing his diaper.

She considered it some kind of miraculous blessing that she could look at him and not just think about what would happen to him if his parents split, or if she never got herself back on track. Those issues and all the ones related to them dominated so much of her headspace that she expected it to infiltrate her mother/son relationship too. In fact, the consequences were what drove so much of her anxiety. Everything was perfect when Lukas came over and wanted to sit with her though. He was like insulation from all the bad things. Finally she noticed the good ones- the Christmas tree was twinkling, the fire was going, she could feel André’s stomach trying to start digesting his enormous dinner, they were all under a lovely knit blanket, she got nice presents, had pretty good sex, her new laptop was pristine and fast and delightful, she totally killed it with the turkeys, and her mind was quiet. The only improvement she could come up with was the elimination of the rest of the people in the house, but that was really nitpicking.

“Chris, are you riding tomorrow?” Rafa inquired during a commercial break, not that anyone was observing any kind of no-talking-during-the-movie rule. The men had to point out every unlikely, unrealistic, and impossible plot point.

“I should, yeah. I’m sort of waiting for an excuse to present itself though. Would you like to help? Do you have clothes with you?”

“I have everything for Mechelen, so yes.” The Italian and his wife were headed for a World Cup qualifier in Belgium on Tuesday.

“I’m sort of supposed to do Stef’s horses too, so you could help with my guys.”

“What’s wrong with Stef that she can’t ride her horses and do yours too?” André interjected. He knew Kyle had off because he worked on Christmas, but he thought the other rider should have been around to lighten the exercising load so that Christina could have another day to rest.

“She’s in Germany, for starters, and she doesn’t work for me.”

“She went home? She told Mario she didn’t have time off.”

“Oooooo,” Melanie chimed in in the manner of a class full of students when one is summoned to the principal’s office.

“I’m sure she just wanted to go see her family. They’re in the opposite end of the country. Didn’t Mario go away anyway?”

“Yes but he invited her.”

“Meh. She’s been posting photos from Munich so it’s probably not a secret,” Christina shrugged. She reached for her phone on the next cushion to show André and to verify that she wasn’t imagining things. She didn’t want to be responsible if Stefanie was trying to keep her location secret from Mario. There were a couple of texts waiting for her. One was Aidan’s return “Merry Christmas” message. There was an “all good” from Kyle about the horses being in for the night. There was also one from Juan.

“Happy Christmas! I hope everything you wanted was under your tree :) Call me tonight if you can. If not I see you tomorrow hopefully with 3 more points and another W for the streak :)”

“How come you had to text him to say you were at the door?” André asked, his voice low. He was reading over her shoulder. The penultimate message on the screen was from the night before.

“Because his cousins slept over and they were all asleep.” His wife double-tapped the Home button and swiped over to Instagram to look for Stefanie’s posts. But then Lukas started to wake up. He made a kind of gurgling sound and moved his arms, which were around Christina’s torso. He’s soooooo cute when he’s sleepy, she thought, ignoring the fact that she had a crucial decision to make, whether to allow him to fully wake up, or to rub his head or his back and hope he went back to sleep. He sat up enough to rub his little blue eyes. He looks more like Daddy every day. He’ll have the eye wrinkles. He’s all Schü. Thank god he got my ears though, she added as a qualifier while rubbing one of his ears and massaging his scalp behind it.

“Ready for bedtime, Mausi? Sleepy?” André asked him with a less delicate and tender head rub. Lukas squirmed until he was sort of on his hands and knees, and crawled up Christina’s body so that he was right at her face.

“Sleepy Mommy,” he replied with a tired sigh, much to the amusement of all the adults.

“She’s sleepy too,” his dad nodded.

“He means he wants to sleep with me, dumbass.” Christina puckered her lips at the 28lb blonde and he supplied an adorable kiss before collapsing on her chest, presumably to go back to sleeping.

“You’re going to have him calling everybody a dumbass.” Dad used two hands to shake her head.

“It would be funny if he just started calling you “dumbass”,” Melanie remarked. “Give me my juice, dumbass! Pass the ball, dumbass!”

“Tuchel has a copyright on that one,” Papa Schü chimed in. Christina cringed at the comment. That’s not nice. Don’t pick on him. One of the footballer’s hands was down at his side and she felt around for it to give it a reassuring squeeze. She didn’t like it when his dad made fun of him in ways that could be “real”. It was funny when everyone ganged up on him and made silly jokes about him missing shots or not playing, when the mood was right. To do it out of nowhere and in a manner that could be interpreted as not a joke wasn’t okay with her. André opened up his fingers so that hers would drop in between, and he held onto them.

“You should go put him down for the night while you can,” he suggested, having ignored the shots fired at him. “He’s already got the pajamas on and he’s out cold again. He won’t notice if you move him.”

“I’ll have to wake him up either way to do his teeth.”

“You could skip brushing for one night.”

“He had all that sugar today though- pancakes, candy canes, hot chocolate, stollen. It’s like a miracle he isn’t bouncing off the walls. And he wants to snuggle with me. Leave us alone. In 15 years he won’t even want to speak to me.”

“That’s nonsense. In 15 years, you’ll be the only female he can talk to,” the player snorted. “He’ll come to me and say, “Papa, I like this girl. How do I talk to her?” and I’ll say, “Fuck if I know. All I did at your age was play football. Ask your mom.” And you’ll make up some insane, complicated, cute thing for him to do for this girl but he’ll mess it up and look like a fool and he’ll come home defeated and you’ll make him a sandwich, spaghetti, and a baby greens salad and tell him the girl is a bitch anyway.”

“That is the most accurate prophecy I’ve ever heard,” the rider giggled. She tilted her head back and pushed her lips out again, and again got a Schü kiss.

“Half an hour and then bedtime for all of us. If you’re going to ride in the morning you better start early, because it’s going to take time to amass enough toys and clothing to keep him preoccupied and appropriately attired for 90 minutes of football out in the cold and then however long we’ll be at Juan’s. He needs a nice sweater or something for dinner, yeah? Or a collared shirt?”

“Yes he needs a wardrobe change between football and dinner. And we have to bring the booster seat. And the presents.” I’ve never brought him to a big dinner to dress up for before, Christina reflected. I hope he’s well behaved and that if Juan’s cousins are holy terrors that he doesn’t get any ideas. I wonder if his little bowtie still fits. I know he’s outgrown his blazer. A button-up with the bowtie and a cardigan would be cute. The big Schü will probably wear something nice to Stamford Bridge instead of jeans. They just can’t match. What am I even going to we-

“Half an hour, pretty girl.”

Mother and child got about 45 minutes before André threatened to cause an earthquake that would unseat them against their wishes. Lukas normally liked teeth brushing time. It was like a game to him. On Christmas is was an annoying chore he wanted no part of. He and his mom made a mess of his bathroom, and the fit he pitched had him so awake and alive again that it was hard to get him to go back to sleep. He was getting too big for her to be able to let him conk out in her lap when she read to him and then just pick him up and set him in the crib. She couldn’t do it smoothly anymore. He woke up, usually. Sometimes he was okay with just being put down in there and then having his story, or simply falling asleep on his own if he were tired enough. All he wanted to do that night was stay in Mommy’s lap, which made her feel quite good but was inconvenient nonetheless. André went looking for her when it seemed to take a long time to put the baby down, thinking perhaps she fell asleep in the chair too. She was just sitting with him and talking with him. Lukas didn’t have enough awareness or vocabulary yet to have a full conversation, but they could still communicate whole thoughts to one another. They were talking about love. Christina was trying to explain that the attachment he felt to his pony Dave, clutched close to his body, was love, and the companionship or friendship type of love, specifically. To illustrate the difference she had to explain her love for him too, and he listened intently, and smiled when she smiled or touched his nose or gave him a kiss. The footballer sat on the floor to listen for a while too, until his son finally gave in to his heavy eyelids and said “sleepy”, which was his way of requesting the crib.

André was obsessed with the mother/son relationship. He marveled at it. They were unbelievably close even though Christina wasn’t one of those moms who spends every minute of every day with her kid. Their communication was enviable. Lukas was smart enough to know that Daddy or “Papa”, as he preferred to be called, was the one he wanted and needed when Mommy wasn’t around, but given the choice between the two, she was who he looked for if he needed something, or he didn’t understand something. André was for fun or for safety if something was terribly frightening, like Grandpa’s sneeze attack. Christina was for everything else. The player was fine with his role. He loved his relationship with Lukas too. He knew it could never be the same as his girl’s. He just found theirs so special, and he loved to watch it in action. Most of all, he loved that she never let anything disturb it. No matter what kind of day she was having, or how busy she was, or tired, she never let it interfere with being Mom. She never even snapped at him when she was out of patience, or cranky. André was actually a little jealous of that, as he was never exempt from random or building fury. He never worried that everything she was struggling with would influence how she looked after their little one. It always made him feel good inside when his belief that she would be the best mother for his child was vindicated in a big way or even a small one. He credited her with all of the boy’s best qualities too- like his manners, his willingness to listen, and his kindness. Christina was the best person he knew, and that didn’t change with her changing fortunes. Seeing her with Lukas just proved it all the time, and made him so proud that she was his.

“Love you,” he told her with a lingering kiss and a heart full of those glowy feelings when he got into bed. The rider beat him under the covers by just seconds and hadn’t even gotten settled yet when he went in looking for her lips. He caught her in transition between sitting and turning on her side to get comfortable, and hovered on his hands and knees above. One lingering kiss became two, and then a longer, more intent liplock took over with tongues changing sides and lips moving about. Christina was taken by surprise by the commitment. It looked like an everyday goodnight kiss on approach. It landed like a special occasion kiss.

“I love you too,” she smiled as if to laugh when André withdrew his mouth from hers and used it to slowly kiss her forehead instead.

“I don’t think you understand how much I love you though, Prinzessin. You’re everything to me, even when I don’t act like it,” he explained with insistence. She straightened herself out so that she was flat on her back on the pillows underneath him, and reached under his arms and over his shoulders to encourage him to come closer and stop hovering. His hips sank down and his knees slid back.

“You’re very sweet out of nowhere. Was the turkey that good?” Christina asked without removing her hands, or letting go of her smile. His upper body has gotten so much stronger, like proportionally to the shrinking of the rest of him. His shoulders feel so much...harder? She tried to figure out what felt different hanging onto him that way, and the player with the improved gym schedule just watched her face.

“Yes, it was, but I love you always.” The BVB man with a much more serious gaze than the rider leaned down to kiss her some more, in that slow way that gives the opportunity for the participants to actually hear the kissing- to hear the seal break when lips had to come apart to reposition, to grab, to pull- that slow way that allows the participants to breathe normally- to keep the kiss steady, calm. But the one predominantly on the receiving end of the kiss was anything but calm on the inside. She experienced a rush of something inexplicable but divine. Whatever was flooding her veins made her heart expand, and her temperature warm up. Whatever that substance was made her feel the way she wanted to earlier, when her partner was more interested in orgasms and her butt than love and romance. He moved down onto his elbows, and then slid his arms between Christina and her pillow to hug her middle and use her chest as a pillow for himself.

It’s different when we’re together. This is why things will get better when she moves, André told himself while she rubbed his back. When I’m with her all the time and I see who is- who I know she is- then I understand better, and there’s...it’s like this big upside I know is there that makes me not care so much when she does things I don’t like. It’s so easy to forget that big upside when I’m not with her much to enjoy it. Chris isn’t innocent in all the fights and problems we’ve had lately, but I am better to her when we’re together. I can admit that. I’m not a good long distance partner, and the best parts of her don’t keep. They don’t last. A leftover filet mignon might taste okay sliced for lunch the day after you cook it. It doesn’t taste good a week later. Chris is the same. Whatever good thing I get from her when she visits just doesn’t keep for weeks and weeks, and it’s not strong enough to get over the phone.

“What’s with you guys tonight? Did you make me put Lulu Schü to bed just so you could take his place?” the rider joked, wrapping her legs around the bigger boy’s lower back. She used her heel to rub where his t-shirt met his Calvin Kleins. Can I tell her that we fight for cuddles with her when she pays attention to us all day or will that start World War 3? André didn’t want to sound as if he was complaining about his girl not giving him and Lukas enough attention regularly. He just wanted to give her a cute answer that might endear her to him more.

“Yes. I was jealous. I want to-“ He stopped short of explaining his agenda for the last few minutes of Christmas and the beginning of Boxing Day because the iPhone plugged in on Christina’s nightstand vibrated to announce a call.

“How much do you wanna bet that’s Juan?”

“Nothing. I’m not throwing my money away,” he winked. It was a gesture meant to conceal the irritation. His pillow reached for the phone and then turned the screen up to show him that it was in fact Juan, who was sporting reading glasses and a “stop trying to take my picture” expression in his contact photo. Christina pushed the top button and set it back down. “You can take it.”

“I’ll text him back. He’s just bored at Chelsea Harbour. What were you saying? You were jealous of your poor son who just wanted to snuggle with his mom?”

“Yes. I need snuggling too.” The player gently bit at the inside of her right breast, and left a wet outline of his mouth on her ultra-soft James Perse t-shirt. She found a model that was too long on her and covered her butt when she walked around the house in just underwear. There was some kind of remarkable temperature difference between covered-butt and partially-exposed-butt, or so she tried to explain to André at the store on Thursday. “He gets more time to snuggle with you than me.”

“I’m so glad everything I was taught as a wee child about guys not being into snuggling turned out to be false. I’m surrounded by snugglers. I even have one trying to get over-the-phone snuggles.”

“He gets more time to snuggle with you than me too,” he remarked flatly. Christina blushed out of his view. I don’t even know what to say back to that. I can’t deny it. It wouldn’t mean anything if I said it doesn’t mean anything. Do I say I prefer to snuggle with him? He’s the superior snuggler? Is that even true? Does it matter if it is or- “What do they say? Cat got your tongue?”

“It’s not like that’s what I do every time I hang out with him...” She fluffed his hair, hesitantly at first and then over-aggressively, betraying her uncertainty and the effort to then commit, like a cover-up.

“I know. Pet nicer,” André sighed. He didn’t want to make a big deal about Juan. He didn’t want to talk about him at all. The line about snuggling was just too perfect to let the moment pass by. He thought the Spaniard was one of the reasons he didn’t get as much of Christina’s “upside” as he needed. It was hard for him to believe all the time she spent in London instead of Dortmund was to ride, and even if it was, then he believed she would have skipped some of it anyway to be with him if there weren’t a consolation prize waiting for her there. Juan made it easier for her to be in London by herself. If there was no Juan around to fill some of her various needs- a dining companion, someone to cook for, a shopping date, someone to lounge on or spoon with at night in front of the TV- then those needs would drive her to Germany more often, even at the expense of her horses. And the BVB midfielder didn’t really care that much if it cost her something in riding terms.

“Sorry.” Christina slowed her fingers messing around in his hair, and regretted that Juan had to interfere in such a good moment. Without even trying, he barged right into the best she’d felt with her partner in ages, and completely ruined it. He left a path of scorched earth behind him when he didn’t even know he was walking. “Better?”

“Yes. Time for bed though.”