#no one is going to the military though i can definitely guarantee that LMAO

[oakwolves]

i feel like i should do more research on teen dramas before i start writing a mock pilot... or a movie idk

[foolgobi65]

meta re: figuring out how old bhadra is, and also when exactly bhalla got married and spawned a child lmao. (also some about the poor woman who had to be his wife.) under cut for length lol

hmm so i just saw a meta which puts bhadra as just a few months younger than mahendra which is interesting, and i can see that being possible given the two actors, but where i disagree is the part of this theory that implies bhalla is married when baahu and devasena are still together. i think if bhalla were to get married, baahu and devasena would have to be invited, just in terms of propriety. i think bhalla would actually enjoy the huge state ceremony that would serve to show how small devasena and baahu were now in contrast. i also think that at this point in the story, while baahu is still alive and married to devasena, bhalla has no interest in his own marriage -- he’s definitely not married (at least imo) at the time of their exile, and even if he wanted a child to compete for the throne at that point baahu’s kid would still be a good 6 months older regardless. i think bhadra must definitely be a few years younger than mahendra (who i believe is around 24ish years old.) bhalla’s obsession with devasena reads to me as about possession rather than a singleminded love or want to make her his real wife. the fact that we don’t see bhalla’s wife at all later makes me think that she’s either dead, or he never married and bhadra is bhalla’s child with a woman bhalla never married. i can see bhalla being obsessed with devasena his entire life, particularly as a transference of both his prior obsession with sivagami as the mother and queen ruler figure who in is mind loved baahu more, and also his obsession with baahu who was just better than bhalla at the things that bhalla wanted (primarily the easy adoration of the people and sivagami.) devasena, both as legal queen mother and clearly sivagami’s annointed heir at her last moments, and as baahu’s love, becomes the object of bhalla’s lifelong hatred and to me he tortures her daily as both substitute for sivagami and baahu who are dead and beyond his reach, and also for her own sake because let’s not underestimate devasena’s ability to piss off bhalla. i think on a surface level when he saw her picture he did feel lust, and so i think there is a very gross and terrible sexual aspect to his need to keep her in chains and under his grip. bhadra clearly states some very disgusting sexually tinged insults at devasena (calling her a whore multiple times) which is obviously a learned behavior from i assume bhalla and maybe biju. all this to say that for me, the main woman in bhalla’s life until his death is devasena. his last words are even to devasena, rather than mahendra who is the clear baahu replacement, and he tells her to join him on the pyre which is reminiscent of what this society demands of good warrior wives.

if bhalla was married, it was a grand alliance where she was probably fabulously wealthy and beautiful and the marriage was conducted with lots of pomp and circumstance in order to distract people from the fact that baahu and sivagami were dead alongside mahendra, and devasena was in chains in the city center. biju found the bride, sent the single most annoying proposal on earth, which implied invasion if she wasnt promptly sent having tied the mangalsutra to bhalla’s sword. definitely wealthy, may or may not have military importance. definitely a beautiful woman, a quiet woman with no personality who was promptly destroyed by having to live under a cruel sadistic man who was obsessed with his dead brother’s caged wife. if bhadra didnt seem so old that he could probably be only max a few years younger than mahendra i would say that bhalla’s wife probably takes a few years to concieve: bhalla would probably be the type of terrible man to treat a woman so badly she would miscarry. but bhadra is pretty close to mahendra’s age, so bhalla’s wife must have conceived pretty quickly. as he desperately needed an heir at the time bhalla, once she is pregnant, ignored her almost entirely except for once a week when he had her carried in a palanquin to see devasena so that he could gloat about his impending fatherhood. the poor woman would by this point be of a sickly sort, even if she had been healthy at the time of her marriage, have a difficult pregnancy exacerbated by her sheer terror at the thought of having anything less than an exceedingly strong male heir. ( i cant imagine biju or bhalla would be anything less than extremely direct about the consequences if the child was born with a disability, or god forbid was a girl.) her entire pregnancy would be one folk remedy after another guaranteed to produce a strong, healthy prince, all eight months after the pregnancy announced to the public an empire wide endeavour to ensure the safe arrival of the prince to be. thousands of ceremonies across the kingdoms would be funded, each sending her the fruits of their sacrifice for her to eat. everything about her day would be micromanaged from the time she woke, to the clothes she wore and the direction she faced when she slept. devasena, who spent the last three months of her own pregnancy exiled in a mining community and yet delivered a strong child, looks at the queen who somehow seems to be weakening every visit and wonders at the great gods’ irony. 

one of my headcanons about the weird family strength is that these babies take a toll on their gestating mothers, and so only a particular type of woman is capable of surviving the pregnancy and birth -- sivagami and devasena are both of this type, and so they find their pregnancies relatively easy, and their births are normal and safe. you can either take this to be something physical or mental, or if you’re more into magical explanations for magical strength, its a (terrifying and horrible) way of the family line basically validating the queen: if she survives, she’s deserving of being queen mother.  baahu’s mother and bhadra’s mother aren’t sivagami and devasena, though they’re probably wonderful women in their own right. the pregnancies sap them of their strength and nutrients (kind of like a leech), and when they give birth it is a long, drawn out process in which the babies had they not had the family strength would have died. the mothers both bleed out. the kingdom barely mourns the queen it barely had a chance to know -- if she becomes pregnant so quickly after marriage, bhalla would never have risked her out in public. instead, there is a massive celebration to anoint the heir to the empire, and bhalla invests heavily in propagating a narrative that has bhadra solely his son: his wife the queen is erased from the stories entirely, it is almost as if bhadra sprung straight from bhalla’s skull, the perfect son. 

the queen’s death doesn’t break the alliance of her marriage, but it does downgrade them from slightly favored allies to just one with the rest -- there is a rumor that does not die no matter how hard they try that she died of a broken heart, that she grew so sickly in the heart of the empire despite the best of all medicine because she did not want to get better, or try to mother the son of her demon husband. (they are half right: the queen, delirious in her last moments, does not regret leaving her husband who happens to be the worst man she has ever met, nor does she regret leaving her disgusting father in law. she regrets somewhat having to leave devasena, whom the queen had nursed a slight hope of helping somewhat in the future when her place as the heir’s mother gave her a little more leverage. most of all, she regrets that she leaves her son, whom in her heart of hearts she had viciously wished to be a daughter, to the cruel mercies of his father. she was never going to be a strong woman in this palace, but even something might have been better than nothing, she thinks. just a little kindness, she hopes for someone to teach him, a little mercy. and then, thinking again of her burning hatred for her husband, whom she damns to all the hells that exist, the only true empress mahishmati has in 50 years dies. her first marriage anniversary will be in one month.) 

the other option for bhadra’s mother imo is that she’s a favoured courtesan of bhalla. for this i think its definitely possible that their relationship can be established even before mahendra’s birth -- there’s no reason they aren’t together even prior to the kalakeyan war. this might be a way to make it easier for bhadra to be closer in age to mahendra, where bhalla, despite being consumed with his obsession for devasena continues to visit and the courtesan becomes pregnant (whether she plans this after reading the room and realizing bhalla has ruled for 3 years and has no heir is up to you.) there is obviously no pomp and circumstance here for the duration of the pregnancy, almost no one is aware of the child’s paternity. many kings have many natural born children, and bhalla initially believes that this child will be like any other though unique in a sense for himself because it will be his first child at all. then, he thinks, realizing that he isnt really inclined to marry but requires an heir. within this option there is the possibility for a queen who simply cannot give bhalla a child (maybe she miscarries, whether because of bhalla’s behavior or on purpose because she doesn’t want to have his child) or just ... bhalla doesnt want to get married because he’s obsessed with devasena. the courtesan is sent a message, and under the utmost secrecy is moved to a chamber in the inner palace where her every want is cared for in the hopes of her delivering a strong, male child. she is treated as a queen for the eight months and when she gives birth she probably survives. she is definitely not allowed to raise the child -- bhalla announces that bhadra is his heir, his natural born son, and does not announce the mother. bhadra is raised entirely as bhalla’s son, never allowed to question his mother’s identity or to meet her. either she remains within bhalla’s palace, as a continued object of his favor or is allowed to leave mahishmati after a vow of silence regarding bhardra’s parentage.��

anyways, i’m putting bhadra at 20/21 to mahendra’s 24, and if bhalla gets married he probably thinks about it a year after baahu’s death, gets married a year after that, the queen dies within a year of the marriage (all a space of 3ish years.) option 2, it’s been 3 years and bhalla keeps pushing off thoughts of marriage and then opportunity falls into his lap. in general this is in line with my belief that bhalla at a base level does not care about any woman except for devasena, particularly after he has her in chains. before this, his sole object was the throne, and if he married at that point it would be a political alliance to make him a more favorable candidate for the crown for sure. needing to get married doesn’t occur to him (and to be fair doesnt seem to occur to baahu until he falls in love.) as king he’d only consider marriage in terms of getting an heir, and he wouldn’t care about the woman he married at all -- he’d treat her horribly, probably venting all the anger and frustration he cant with devasena because she lives in the cage which in a sense protects her from the worst physical/sexual abuse. the only respite his wife, another woman entirely under his control, would have is probably becoming pregnant. a favored courtesan, particularly one who had a relationship pre the whole devasena obsession, would have a different dynamic with him, especially since she’s technically “his’ but also not entirely in the way a wife would be. less abuse imo for sure, and the significantly less scrutiny and pinned hopes on her pregnancy results in her general good treatment rather than the exhausting micromanaging characteristic of a wife/queen. 

both of these options basically result in bhalla and biju having total control on the raising of bhadra to be the Worst, and for bhadra’s identity to basically be “bhalla’s son” more than even regular princes who define themselves as their father’s sons. the woman is erased entirely from the narrative, and exists entirely to give bhalla an heir and then conveniently disappear, as distasteful as that is. 

as usual, any other ideas/opinions/complete negations are welcome!! please comment or reply i’m really interested to see what you all think!!!

@teammahishmati @teambaahubali

[likegston-blog]

 shows  up  10  years  late w/  an  intro/info  post .     as  we  all  well  know  from  the  ooc  blog :  i’m  cosbo !     i  still  play  pokemon  go ,  i  create  things  you  never  asked  for  in  photoshop ,  i’ve  been  in  love  with  gaston  since  the  age  of  four ,  &  i  don’t  think  i’ve  ever  once  gotten  enough  sleep  in  my  life .     under  the  cut  i’ll  give  you  a  rundown  on  your  favorite  self  absorbed  french  asshole  &  how  i’m  playing  him  +  an  important  note  regarding  my  activity  in  the  upcoming  weeks !

MY  WHAT  A  GUY ,  THAT  GASTON !

 if  you’ve  heard  the  catchy  song  you  probably  know  that  no  one  does  literally  anything  quite  like  gaston .     &  true  enough  gaston  is  talented  plus  he’s  probably  one  of  the  most  handsome  people  you  will  ever  meet  but  the  downside  to  that  fact  is  he  is  fully  aware  of  it .     gaston  thinks  he  shits  gold  probably .     he  shows  up  to  birthday  parties  with  no  present  &  say  his  presence  alone  is  a  present .    he’s  the  king  of  entitled  white  boys .     &  unfortunately  he’s  not  quite  familiar  with  the  word  NO .     if  he  thinks  your  pretty ,  he  may  lay  some  moves  on  you  &  if  you  try  to  turn  him  down  honestly  he’ll  just  be  more  interested  just  ask  belle .     this  mainly  goes  for  just  girls  but  am  i  gonna  sit  here  &  say  he  can’t  appreciate  a  pretty  man ?     you  bet  your  sweet  ass  i’m  not .     no  one’s  bi  like  gaston !     however ,  he  does  come  from  a  time  where  any  form  of  non  heterosexuality  was  highly  frowned  upon  so  …  he’s  coming  to  terms  w/  that  one .     it’s  fine  he’ll  get  there .

 GASTON’S  PAST :     we  don’t  know  much  about  gaston’s  past  other  than  he  did  fight  in  a  war  ( given  the  timeline  of  beauty  &  the  beast  being  mid  18th  century  there’s  a  few  possibilities  in  which  war  he  fought  in  but  we’re  gonna  say  it  was  either  the  war  of  austrian  succession (1740 - 1748)  or  it  was  the  seven  years  war (1754 - 1763) )   &  he  became  a  war  hero  &  an  army  captain .     it  was  also  stated  by  luke  evans  in  an  interview  that  gaston’s  celebrity  status  in  the  little  village  of  villeneuve  comes  from  the  fact  he  protected  the  village  from  a  pack  of  portuguese  marauders  in  1740  when  he  was  just  16 .     in  the  book  it  also  states  that  this  war  he  fought  in  &  became  a  hero  in  was  12  years  prior  to  the  story .     what  baffles  me  the  most  abt  that  is  he  still  wears  his  uniform .   who  has  clothes  that  still  fit  &  look  pristine  for  12  years ????     anyway .     speaking  of  his  uniform  an  interesting  thing  to  note  is  that  gaston’s  war  uniform  is  bright  red .     in  the  18th  century  ...  the  french  army  wore  blue .     the  red  coats  were  the  british  so  ...  from  that  we  can  assume  gaston  fought  with  the  british  army  which  i’ll  have  more  on  that  deal  in  the  family  section  of  the  intro  post  but  what  i  wanna  talk  about  here  is  on  one  hand  we  can  believe  gaston  was  a  british  war  hero  who  had  ties  to  france  that  had  him  live  there .     on  the  other ,  &  i  think  this  better  fits  gaston’s  horrid  personality ,  gaston  could  be  a  deserter  from  the  british  army  who  stabbed  the  british  in  the  back ,  turning  on  them  &  becoming  a   war  hero  for  france .     he  is  fond  of  stabbing  backs  it  seems  like  him .   now !     moving  on !     gaston  does  have  ptsd  from  the  war  ,  even  luke  said  this  in  an  interview ,  though  he  keeps  it  under  wraps  by  feeding  off  the  praise  he  gets ,  making  himself  feel  useful  &  wanted  rather  than  focusing  on  how  empty  his  life’s  been  since  the  war ,  &  burying  it  under  his  inflated  ego .     underneath  that ,  however ?     yeah ,  he’s  pretty  broken ,  jaded ,  &  when  he  doesn’t  get  what  he  wants  his  anger  comes  forth  in  a  very  militaristic  fashion  that  seeks  to  destroy  anything  in  his  path  to  what  he  wants  due  to  the  fact  that  part  of  him  is  still  seeking  to  return  to  the  war .     not  even  tweleve  whole  years  have  shaken  the  battle  out  of  gaston  &  his  mind  since  it  just  hasn’t  been  able  to  settle  back .      some  part  of  him  has  wired  itself  to  live  on  the  adrenaline  &  action  of  the  war  &  his  frustration  with  his  inability  to  settle  back  into  a  peaceful  life  has  made  him  crave  the  war .     he  seeks  for  the  thrill ,  the  high ,  of  war  similiar  situations  &  while  most  once  shook  their  head  at  this  they  would  come  to  find  out  that  his  war  hungry  half  can  be  something  more  far  more  dangerous  when  his  anger  is  tested  along  with  it .     it’s  times  like  that  when  gaston  hardly  realizes  he’s  partly  acting  on  his  frustration  &  anger  with  mundane  life  &  subconscious  need  for  the  chaos  of  war .

 GASTON’S  FAMILY :     we  know  nothing  of  gaston’s  parents  …  but  one  can  assume  he’s  probably  from  a  well  off  family  &  he’s  most  definitely  an  only  child .     one  headcanon  i  do  have  is  that  while  gaston’s  mother  was  french ,  his  father ,  though  of  french  decent  hence  the  surname  legume ,  was  from  england .     in  the  2017  film ,  lefou  says  ‘je  ne  sais  quoi ?’   &  gaston  responds  that  he  doesn’t  know  what  that  means .     pretty  sad  for  a  french  guy ,  yeah ?     they  way  i  headcanon  it  is  that  gaston  was  born  in  england  &  his  family  moved  to  france  with  but  his  mother  soon  left  he  &  his  father  when  gaston  was  still  very  young .     so  gaston’s  british ,  technically .     he  &  his  father  simply  didn’t  move  after  his  mother  left ,  it  was  too  much  a  hassle ,  &  gaston’s  father  spoke  most  only  english  &  also  sought  gaston  out  an  english  tutor .     from  living  in  france ,  yes ,  gaston  has  indeed  picked  up  some  french  but  he’s  actually  not  fluent .     he  knows  a  good  amount  of  basic  conversation  &  could  hold  a  decent  one  &  then  he  also  knows  military  commands  but  that’s  about  it .     through  most  his  life ,  when  having  trouble  with  the  languge  be  that  trouble  speaking  it  or  listening  to  it ,  he  would  often  turn  to  lefou  to  translate .     anyhow ,  back  on  topic ,  much  of  gaston’s  personality  comes  from  his  extreme  need  for  attention  as  a  child  &  his  father’s  spoiling  of  him  in  addition  to  his  father’s  insanely  sexist  view  on  masculinity  which  he  inherited .

 GASTON  IN  THE  ENCHANTED  FOREST :     we  all  know  how  beauty  &  the  beast  ends  for  gaston .     he  does  a  cheep  shot  at  the  beast  from  behind  then ,  afterwards ,  the  structure  he  was  standing  on  crumbles  &  he  falls  to  his  death .     well ,  the  last  thing  gaston  remembers  is  falling .     that  is  the  point  of  beauty  &  the  beast  that  i’ve  taken  him  from .     that  being  said ,  this  mean’s  gaston’s  anger  &  deranged  violent  nature  is  at  critical  level .     tick  him  off ?     you’re  getting  hit .     he’s  extremely  angry  at  belle … yet  still  wants  to  marry  her  because  now  it’s  just  a  matter  of  pride  kinda  thing .     if  you  bring  up   the  beast  or  just  anything  about  his  story ,  probably ,  he  will  snap  a  bit .

 MISCELLANEOUS HEADCANONS :

 yes ,  gaston  can  read !    unlike  his  cartoon  counterpart  who  only  likes  picture  books .     now ,  he  doesn’t  read  any  of  the  books  they  have  in  the  village ,  of  course ,  as  they’re  all  in  french   ( save  for  romeo  &  juliet  as  it’s  by  an  english  playwright  but  gaston  would  not  subject  himself  to  reading  gooey  romance  shakespear  when  things  such  as  hamlet  &  macbeth  exist )   &  he’s  even  less  terrific  at  reading  french  than  he  is  at  speaking  it .     mostly  he  reads  only  from  his  father’s  small  collection  of  books  which  he  grew  up  with  &  has  now  inherited .     his  favorite  is  actually  macbeth ,  seeing  as  he  quotes  it  in  the  mob  song .

he  really  loves  breakfast  food  you  guys .     does  he  really  eat  5  dozen  eggs  a  day ?     may  have  been  an  exaggeration .     but !     he  does  eat  a  good  heap  of  eggs  every  morning  &  it’s  at  least  slightly  concerning .

 most  of  the  time  he  will  only  do  things  that  somehow  benefit  him .     this  is  how  he  is  &  if  he  doesn’t  see  gain  in  his  end  in  whatever  you’re  asking  him  to  do  he’ll  most  likely  turn  it  down .

 if  doing  something  will  get  him  adoring  fans  he’ll  do  it  &  he  won’t  let  anyone  else  help .     he  lives  for  praise .     oh  there’s  a  child  in  a  burning  building ?     you’re  going  to  save  it ?     not  anymore  he’ll  tie  you  to  a  tree  so  that  he  can  do  it  &  get  the  glory .     he’s  a  very  bad  team  player  for  sure .

 WANTED  CONNECTIONS :    i.  LEFOU .   connection  taken !    gaston  abanoned  lefou ,  who  only  spent  his  days  adoring  gaston  &  being  in  literal  love  w/  him ,  to  die  after  using  him  as  a  human  sheild  &  letting  him  crushed  by  candenza .    as  horrible  as  gaston  was  to  lefou  in  the  end  he  does  know  that  lefou  is  his  biggest  fan  &  before  his  jealousy  &  anger  took  him  over  he  was  genuinely  friends  with  lefou .     lefou  has  been  his  friend  since  he  was  young  &  fought  in  the  war  beside  him .     guaranteed  to  anyone  who  brings  me  a  lefou :  heartbreaking  plots ,  many  tears ,  my  constant  bothering  of  you ,  sad  headcanons ,  MY ETERNAL LOVE!!!!! ,  any  gif  icons  or  static  icons  of  lefou  you  may  need  i  will  make  them  for  you ,  &  more !     a  josh  gad  fc  would  be  preferred  but  ik  he  doesn’t  have  the  most  abundant  of  resources  so  if  you  have  someone  else  in  mind  that’s  fine  but  like  just  hmu  first  if  you’re  using  someone  else .     i  seriously  will  make  you  static  &  gif  icons  if  you  use  josh ,  though ,  like  i  will  make  resources  for  you .     LISTEN  I’D  JUST  LOVE  A  LEFOU  SO  MUCH ! 

+  COSBO’S  ACTIVITY  NOTE  6/3 !

 i’m  moving  in  two  weeks !     yeah ,  i  joined  a  rpg  at  not  the  best  time  but  it’s  fine .     see ,  you  may  notice  that  on  my  app  i  say  i’m  in  pacific  time !     well ,  i’m  actually  currently  in  central  standard  time  at  the  current  moment .     but  i’m  going  to  be  moving  literally  across  the  country  to  california !     i  put  pacific  time  on  my  app  though  because  i  thought  it  pointless  to  put  the  timezone  of  somewhere  i’m  not  even  gonna  be  for  much  longer .     this  means  i  will  be  packing ,  routing  my  trip ,  trying  to  get  a  new  job ,  working  at  my  two  current  jobs ,  &  spending  time  with  friends  before  i  leave  all  in  the  upcoming  two  weeks !     i’m  very  busy  but  i  will  try  to  get  on  here  as  much  as  i  possibly  can .     if  worse  comes  to  worse  then  i  will  request  a  semi  hiatus  until  i’m  successfully  across  the  country !

***UPDATE :   I’VE  MOVED  SO  NO  WORRIES  ABT  THIS  NOW  LMAO

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #62

“for better or for worse, i was born into a hearse.”

what do you normally eat at a barbecue?   honestly, i suffer at a barbecue.  i don't like anything that is usually cooked. do you prefer aquatic creatures or flying (water or air)?   flying, i presume. would you like to go swimming with dolphins?   i'd be kinda iffy, because i know dolphins can be quite mean, but i'd still do it. what to you is beautiful beyond all compare?   jason.  well, he's handsome, but you get it. in 5 years time, what do you NOT want to be doing (worst scenario)?   uhhh i guess be in prison for murdering ashley. have you and a friend ever gone after the same person?   thank god, no. do you lead people on?   i do not. have you ever been told that you were going to hell?   nope. do you know any actual dances or do you just move to the music?   not really.  i just know shit like the cupid shuffle and uhhh... not the electric slide... what's the other song like it? name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents.   they built their own house. do you know which side your appendix is on?   uhhhh... left, i think? if someone was willing to tell your crush you liked them would you let them?   it'd be useless.  he already knows. do you put q-tips in your ear or just round the outside?   honestly i'll put them into the ear a bit because i hate my ears feeling waxy. have you ever popped another person’s zit?   no, thank jesus. gave you ever told a friend to dump their SO? did they?   yeah, summer when she dated nick.  she did eventually. what do you think is the coolest piercing on someone else?   back dermals. who do you tease most often and what about?   the only person i've ever been comfortable teasing was jason.  i'd call him a geek a lot, but he knows i didn't mean it harmfully.  i'm attracted to geeks anyway. most disgusting bug?   disgusting, well, obviously the dung beetle. favorite thing you’ve ever painted?   i painted two meerkats grooming each other on burlap in acrylic in high school.  turned out stellar, in my honest opinion. when it’s your birthday, do you have the correct number of candles?   i probably won't this year, as 21 is quite a few. when you take surveys, what kinds of questions do you HOPE will be asked?   just unique ones.  questions you very rarely hear, or my favorite, controversial ones that really invoke thought. do you like 80s music?   80s metal, hell yeah. what kind of food is your favorite? (Ex. Mexican, Chinese, Thai, etc.)   american how would you feel if you were drafted for the military?   i'd rather die. would you have sex before marriage? why or why not?   i still don't know.  i've said before i regret not letting jason take my virginity, and i don't want regrets.  honestly, if by some miracle he comes back, i'm ditching it.  through him being gone, i have truly seen just how much i adore him, and when you love someone this much, i don't care if i'm not legally bound to him, he deserves to know me like that.  if i start a new relationship, though... i kinda doubt i'll ever have sex until i'm married, because if jason can't take my virginity, i don't want another man to until i'm married to him.  jason had to wait, so does he. lmao reading that, my logic is so fucky, idk. how do you feel about shaved pubes?   if you don't like them, shave them.  good for you. are you more liberal or conservative?   i'm definitely more conservative, but have some liberal views. why do some teenagers drink alcohol?   i'm sure everyone drinks for a different reason. do you like obama?   i don't know enough about him to judge fairly.  i disagree with some of his policies that i know about, but he honestly seems like a really chill and funny dude. would making abortion illegal really be the logical thing to do?   fucking yes it would be.  and DO NOT give me the "it'll only stop safe abortions" argument.  guess what?  murder's illegal.  still happens.  a mother should in no way be comfortable killing her spawn, and i am disgusted beyond anything more in human nature by the fact people do it without even flinching.  just.  shit.  i have so much to say about this.  i do pity a woman who decides to have an unsafe abortion, yes, but no, i will not say sorry to you that a child "inconvenienced" you.  i do not CARE what is going on in your life, you act like a fucking adult, suck that shit up, bear the child, give it up to adoption.  think it'll scar you for life?  guess the fuck what?  shit far "worse" than a CHILD happens to a good majority of people. lkasjdoaisuere i really don't feel like going on with this.  and i know i sound so feisty with this subject, but i am just so passionate about the issue. does the person you like, like you?   apparently not. what's the most sexual thing you've done?   idk, oral i guess? what's your opinion on masturbation?   this question seems to come up a lot lately in the quizzes i'm finding...  but anyway.  it's wrong.  lustful.  gross in my opinion, i don't care how clean you may be. do you wish you had an eating disorder because you want to lose weight?   okay, i want to lose weight VERY badly, but i would never wish an eating disorder upon myself. what is your favorite queen song?   "bohemian rhapsody," duh! who is the sexiest celebrity? would you cheat on your partner for this celebrity?   link neal is daddy af.  but no, i wouldn't. how often do you cuss?   just as often as i say "normal" words. how is your self-esteem?   non-existent. have you ever thought about committing suicide?   tried it. have you ever cleaned up someone else’s vomit?   i have not, and i couldn't. would you kiss the last person you texted?   that would be colleen, and no. do you think you exercise enough?   i don't exercise period.  i feel too fucking weak to ever do it efficiently and because of my medication, i sweat to the point that it is NOT worth it. you’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up. what do you say?  "hi, sweetheart." if i offered to buy you a chocolate bar, which would you choose?   hershey's, please. have you ever written a song or poem for someone special?   i have.  i hope he still has it... have you ever been told that you resemble a celebrity?   no, but i've been told i resemble a video game character.  well, i did. in your life, who is the person that seems to understand you the most?   of all the people in my life, i thought jason did. last time you got goosebumps?   well i'm still watching the "life is strange" playthrough from earlier and this fucking game gives me goosebumps pretty easily. do you have a beatles shirt?   no, i don't enjoy them enough to have one. what color(s) have you dyed your hair?   i've had black, red, purple, burgundy... probably more i'm forgetting. do you think about the way things used to be often?   my life's consumed by it. have you ever dated a ginger?   nope. have you ever cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend?   nope. how do you like being roused in the morning?   ... i'mma just say a "certain way" by jason like he liked to do. favorite food?   jalapeno pizza what is the best news you could hear right now?   "jason wants to give you an apology." do you listen to screamo?   no, it's one of the rare metal sub-genres i do not enjoy.  i want to be able to understand the words. does your town/area have a farmer’s market? do you ever buy your vegetables there rather than grocery store?   area, sure, maybe like an hour away.  town, no, so we don't really buy groceries there. you're on life support, and you want someone to pull the plug.  who do you want to do it?   honest to god... if jason could do one more thing for me, if that was my life... it'd be that.  he's already done so much to me that he might as well kill me, too.  it sounds dark, i know, but if that was my life, living in such torture, i'd want him to take the roll of messiah again, one more time, like he did when we were dating.  for him to save me from a fate worse than death, for him to do that one last thing for me, maybe i would die at least slightly happy.  I AM NOOOOOT saying i want that to actually happen, i don't at all, but if it were to happen, i'd want jason to be the one to muster up the will to visit me even once to do it. has anyone ever “ruined” anything for you (for example: your partner says, “oh, this song always reminds me of my ex” and you never want to listen to it again, or your friend is so obsessed with a movie that you start to resent the film)?   ohhhh boy.  OHHHHHH BOY.  can i actually like... vent here about everything jason ruined for me?  just to get this shit out, because i'm honestly still hurt that so many things i can't experience anymore?  let's start, boiz! motionless in white and black veil brides both trigger me, as they were his favorite bands, but i listen to them anyway.  i can't listen to "the mortician's daughter" and "saviour" by bvb, "city lights" by motionless in white fucks with me a bit, i cannot tolerate "when it's love" by van halen or "all or nothing" by theory of a deadman because i thought both would play big parts in my wedding with him.  i can't listen to "stairway to heaven" by led zeppelin because of that time we danced to it.  i can't watch "american horror story," "supernatural," or "sherlock" because we binge-watched them all.  i can't go to olive garden because he used to work there.  i can't go to office depot because he works there now.  i can't even think of the batman series, particularly joker and harley quinn, without thinking of jason.  i'm most certain there's more, but that's all that's coming to me right now... would you ever get a tattoo in honor of someone in your life?  it doesn't have to be their name.   ... sigh.  three questions in a row where i'm going to go on and on about jason, lmao...  well, the answer's yes.  i know people in my life are going to have problems with it, especially family, but i've seriously considered many tats i want in his honor.  i've thought about the consequences, and frankly, i do not care.  i want them.  who knows, maybe i will move on one day (i doubt it, but who knows), but i can guarantee to you that i may not like, but won't mind having memories on him ingrained into my flesh. so anyone, here's the tattoos i think i'll actually get: 1.) "... and you ain't got his smile" quote (harley quinn quote; the one i'm most likely to do); 2.) "i don't love you like i did yesterday" (mcr song) quote with two hands ripping a heart below it [this song has really helped me through this breakup], 3.) a watercolor blue jay (his nickname is "j bird"), 4.) "i love you more than i could ever scream" (bvb song) quote, and 5.) "saudade" (means a longing for one you cannot have, stuff like that).  yes.  i am seriously considering getting five tats dedicated to my ex.  move along. away from jason, yeah, i'd get tats for other people, too.  i have a shared "ohana" tattoo with my best friend.  i'll probably get something with my mother at some point, too. if you had a significant other and somehow got a chance to kiss your celebrity crush, would you still go for it?   no, honestly. if you still live with your parents, is it scary for you to imagine living away from them when you move out on your own? if you live on your own, how did you cope with moving away from your family for the first time?   i am scared of moving out, yes.  depression makes me... kinda irresponsible, to be honest.  i'm not the best at taking care of myself and such, and i don't want to neglect my house.  when i lived in the apartment, it was a good taste of how it'd be like, and we all failed.  i'm very, very scared of moving out. do you tend to be attracted to people that are more similar to you in interests and mannerisms or do you tend to be attracted to someone opposite/complementing to you?   i'm definitely attracted to people more like me. is there something that people complain about that just makes you roll your eyes because you think is not a big deal and you would gladly trade your own issues for it?   i mean, sometimes, yeah.  at the same time though, i know exactly what it's like to have an issue that people underestimate.  it's the exact reason colleen and i are fighting.  you don't know how well or badly a certain person will handle a specific issue. have you ever received an unwanted gift from someone trying to woo you? did you accept it or reject it?   from juan, yeah.  i've accepted minor stuff, but never anything major. have you ever boycotted a product or corporation? how come?   i don't think i seriously have. if someone asks you to hang out, but for some reason you’re just feeling lazy/don’t want to go anywhere, do you ignore them, make up an excuse, or just tell them the honest truth?   lmao i'll honestly do all three.  just depends. have you heard of or even read the novel, “50 shades of grey”? if so, what’s your opinion about it?   everyone's heard of it, and it's fucking disgusting and demeaning and instills terrible relationship ideals into some people. has a guy ever let you wear his jacket?   jason has a big leather jacket i loved to "steal" while we were in the school cafeteria because i was always cold. has anyone you ever dated called you in the middle of the night just to hear your voice?   no, not just for that. have you met anyone famous?   i have not. what will your next piercing be?   mom really doesn't want to be the one to buy me my tongue piercing because she's so against the idea, so she's thinking of letting me get my lip re-pierced on my birthday. what do you regret doing at FAR too young?   fully and with reckless abandon giving someone my heart. do you have any weapons for personal protection?   no.  i'm not legally allowed to own a gun due to me being mentally ill/having a history of suicide attempts, and i don't know about other weapons. is there a piece of jewelry that holds any sentimental value to you?   yes, a ring jason gave me for our anniversary once.  it had a golden base with a bluish-purple gem.  it was pretty big.  he was so pissed (not at me, at the seller) when it broke, though.  i still have it in the jewelry box he gave me... what does your facebook status say right now?   ehhhh, i honestly kinda exploded last night and went off on everyone who calls me "friend," no one in particular.  i was tired of being so let down by the people who "care" about me. would you ever agree to an open relationship with someone?   no way in seven hells. have you ever had your picture in the newspaper?   i have not. what did you have for dinner last night?   i was so upset that i didn't eat. do you think you look similar to your siblings?   i look less like them than ashley and nicole look like each other, but i do look like them. what do you usually dream about?   jason's always there. do you ever use sleep as a way to cope with bad moods?   i use sleep to cope with, well, a lot.  when i'm bored, i'll sleep, when i feel like crap, i'll sleep...  i almost always take at least one nap a day, and sometimes i'll lie down a second time.  it's embarrassing to admit. what’s the most self-destructive thing you’ve ever done?   letting jason become my world. was (or is) it difficult for you to watch your siblings mature? if you’re an only child, is it difficult to watch family members in general get older?   it's not as hard with ashley, but it really is with nicole.  she's the youngest, and though we're bonded truly only through blood, i don't like seeing her get older.  it's still weird that she has a feminine body and not a child's, and she's 18 for heaven's sake.  all but like one of her boyfriends i haven't trusted.  it hurts me physically when her current bf acts like the shithead he is.  i nearly had an emotional breakdown when i found out she was having sex via the doctor.  i don't like her growing up. have you ever blamed an outside force for a problem you were having?   ... i guess blaming jason for a lot of things. do you find yourself getting more optimistic around new year’s, or does that time of year have a negative affect on you?   there's no change at all.  a new year has no effect on events that transpire, so there's literally no reason to be optimistic. who was your high school crush?   he was more than a "crush," but jason. what do you dislike about your smile?   my eyes squint when i smile. have you noticed that EVERYONE is ‘bisexual’ these days?   erm, not "everyone" is, but i noticed bisexuality becoming popular when i was in middle school.  many, many girls i knew claimed to be so, then would "turn straight" like a year later.  it was stupid. are you online 24/7?   pretty much, yes. who is your favorite online friend?   i don't really have one since mini just kinda ditched me. is it possible to be single and happy?   i'm certain it is, but after tasting what genuine love is like, i'm coming to accept i guess it's just not for me.  i don't want to rush things, though, which i'm scared of doing. is there anyone who hates you?   pretty sure rachel did in high school, don't know if she still does. does your mom know your deepest darkest secrets?   no, she does not. who did you last talk to about the person you like?   mom, i think. is there anyone you trust who you shouldn’t?   jason, i guess. do you want kids?   i guess i do.  but pondering it, there's a minor possibility i won't.  it depends on who i date.  like... before i dated jason (i know ya'll are so fucking tired of hearing about him, i truly am sorry), i didn't want kids.  a year or so into our relationship, i did, solely because i loved him so much.   i wanted a manifestation of us.  when i think of the possibility of having kids, i'm pretty sure i still only visualize it being with my ex, so that's why i still say "yeah i want kids."  who knows... if by some miracle i end up with someone else, i may not want their kids... who knows... have you ever fallen completely in love?   completely and entirely. do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?   of course i do!  love is a fucking perfect thing to celebrate! what was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute?   five years ago, i was busy worrying if jason and i would last.  guess i know now. do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’?   no.  god no.  please. do you have same sex fantasies?   no, i don't. would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath?   i mean, i'd try it, sure, but i don't think it'd be my thing. opinion on immigrants/immigration reform?   i have very mixed feelings with this.  like i understand perfectly that some people have very valid reasons to leave their countries, but we also have to consider our maximum capacity as a country and how easily we could accidentally bring in a terrorist.  because of my mixed feelings, i really can't answer this question should prostitution be legalized?   fuck no. why are you the person you are?   my upbringing, the environment i was raised in, my experiences... if you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept?   sure, i've never tried it before. what are you like when you’re drunk?   i'm sociable, i laugh a lot, and apparently i like to sing.  i like drunk me way more than sober me. do you want a church wedding?   i do not. story of the first time you made out with someone?   so jason and i were playfighting on his bed and to shut me up, he kissed me, and because of me having been talking, my mouth was open, sooo it kinda just escalated from there.  i still remember we kissed about a million times that day, probably.  so i can't be too bad a kisser lol. first time you gave/received oral sex?   i'm pretty sure he gave me oral sex first, but i don't really remember it much?  nor do i recall the first time i gave him oral?  i remember liking it but really not wanting to, and i tensed up very badly.  giving it to him, i just simply didn't enjoy (nor did i really know what to do at all in case i hurt him), even though i'm aware he was clean.  like i'm just sorry, i don't care who you are, i don't want the place you ejaculate and piss from in my mouth.  because of this, we didn't really do oral much. do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to?   i still have my virginity. how many followers do you have on tumblr? what about twitter/instagram?   40 on my main tumblr blog, 25 on my survey one.  i am but a smol bean.  i don't have twitter and instagram. first time you thought you were in love? when did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person?   maybe a year or so into my relationship with jason, perhaps later?  and i was and still am in love with that man. ever seen someone just roll out of bed and still look hot?
   that's jason for you.  his hair was always so messy in the morning, but he looked like a rugged angel to me. would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone?   i already have one there. if you were pregnant right now…?   financially, that'd be very, very bad.  regardless though, i'd keep the child and, depending on the paternity, keep it or adopt it out.  the only person i've ever done anything remotely sexual with is jason, so i'm guessing he'd have to be the dad, despite not seeing him for over a year???  if that was the case, i'd keep the baby and raise it as best i could and treasure it beyond belief.  if it wasn't his, this sounds... really bad, but i don't feel like i would have the desire to raise it myself.  it's obvious i don't love myself, so having a child that was a mix of me and god-knows-who would just feel... idk.  i don't feel like i'd be capable of loving it properly, so i'd give him/her to a family that would. have you ever kissed an ex after you two have broken up?   i have not. do you ever wear boots with skinny jeans?   i used to, when i was slimmer.  i rocked skinny jeans and black boots, imo. is there a den in your house?   there's not a room we refer to as "den," no. what's currently on your mind?   ha, first lemme say a shit load is on my mind.  always is.  but what's lying most heavily on my mind at the moment is how i quit school yesterday, and now i feel like i won't succeed as a photographer.  which is ridiculous, i know, considering all college would do me is give me a fancy sheet of paper.  it would perhaps slightly increase my chances of being employed by a company, but... hello, i want to be a freelance photographer???  getting a degree and digging so deep into debt just didn't seem worth it, at all.  experience is far more important than being told how to photograph, and you can find most information about photography online for free.  it's not worth it for what i want to focus on, i know, but dammit, that little nagging thought in me that says i failed... do you have a pinterest account?   lmao yeah i do.  i shamelessly have boards mostly related to photographs i want to recreate with my future family.  i also have a board related to stylistic/fashion choices and tattoos. have you ever seen the television show the munsters?   yes yes yes yes yes!!! would you/have you spent more than $200 on any one person for a holiday?   i mean, sure.  i might want to get a significant other something pricey, or i'd use it to get christmas presents for my child(ren). thoughts on slenderman? have you even heard of him?   i don't think he's at all scary honestly, but i guess the story of him's okay?  he's an... okay-ish introduction for someone who wants to explore horror games too, i assume. what would you call yourself the king or queen of?   obsessing over my ex. if i paid for you to take karate lessons, would you?   no, honestly. what is the saddest movie that you’ve ever seen?   hmmmm... i am not entirely sure. opinion: on surveys that begin with your name, age, etc?   i either don't take the survey if it's full of basic shit or delete the questions that are always asked. do you know any people who cuss in every sentence?   jason's mother, pretty much. ever written that you were going to end your life?   i've told my ex that over facebook before, yes.  that's the only reason he came to my house after he broke up with me, probably. is life good?   is life good, despite all the hell, struggles, joys, and spans of boredom?  no.  no, it is not. did you lose friends when you started dating someone?   juan stopped talking to me, but i barely considered him a friend anyway. have you ever used the word “rawr” in an actual conversation?   ... yes. would you change yourself for the person you love?   if he's interested in me changing for the better, sure.  but by now, i almost feel like i'd change however jason wanted me to... do you have someone you can be your complete self around?   i mean i guess i can, but i don't. do you have nice eyes?   they're average, i guess. how did you celebrate your last birthday?   we went to texas steakhouse. have you ever had sex on the beach?   no, and that sounds... gross... with all the sand...? would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?   of course. can you juggle?   nope. what’s the last thing you drew a picture of?   i'm pretty sure i drew a portrait of jason last. is your bellybutton an innie or outie?   innie. have you ever been banned from a public place?   i have not. what horror fiction character scares you the most?   scream, definitely. have you ever milked a cow?   no, and i don't really want to. have you ever given blood?   once in high school, yes. do you know any identical twins?   i do.  i forget the other kid's name, it was jason and... something.  remember that story of how the only reason i accepted my jason's friend request is because i thought he was another jason?  yeah, it was that jason. have you ever made your own ice cream?   colleen and i did together, yeah. (: