#no more hallucinations and delusions please💜

[squimblr]

being a medicated zombie on 5+ pills 'i hate this and want to feel something' to unmedicated for years 'i can feel everything too much, even nothing is too much please make me stupid again' pipeline is so real

[trans-axolotl]

so feel free to delete this but you mentioned you had a lot of like, mental health resources and shit so i thought maybe you could help.

i'm suicidal. i have delusions and paranoia and hallucinations and i don't know why, i just know that's how my brain just is, it's been like that for as long as I can remember. but i feel like i'm getting more depressed and suicidal ect and i wondered if you have any resources for dealing with any of that type of shit?

before you ask, no, i do not have anyone to tell, i do not want to tell anyone and i do not want to be institutionalized, i just want like, some tools for dealing with any of this, from the hallucinations to the depression. I'd appreciate the help. Tnx in advance if you read this. <3 -Tee

hey anon 💜

it can be hard as shit to deal with our brains, even when we're used to them, and it can start to feel really exhausting trying to find new ways to cope and live and find those moments of joy. totally hear you that you don't want to tell anyone and don't want to be institutionalized--I never recommend institutionalization and I believe we are all the experts on what our needs are and the type of support and care we want to receive.

I'm also someone who has delusions and paranoia, and I used to be someone who was suicidal for many years of my life. i understand how isolating it can be and how hard it can be to find support. I'm going to share a lot of random stuff, some of which has been very helpful for me, and feel free to take what works and leave the rest.

one of the things that was most helpful for me was thinking about my suicidal ideation in a different way. I had always heard suicide being talked about as just wanting to die, and suicide prevention talked about just as giving people reasons to live. that never really helped me in my suicidal moments, because most of my suicide was about trying to access a sense of internal safety and also communicating to others, and I got tired of just being told to make lists of reasons I wanted to live when for me, it felt much more complex than that. . I really like this anti carceral suicide training by Project LETS. That link is to a google drive folder with like twelve things in it from the training and some might not feel very applicable, but I really liked their power point that talked about different ways for understanding what suicide means. doing that internal work to figure out how my suicidal ideation was functioning helped me figure out ways to actually ask for support and get those needs met in the moment. Building safety plans that helped me figure out what things I actually want and need when I'm in distress to try to prevent crisis were another tool that I like using so that I can at least have everything that might work down in one place so that I don't have to think as much once I do hit those moments of crisis. I liked this one called "Mapping our madness." I also really like the Icarus Project's website which has a crisis toolkit that can be really helpful in those moments of really heightened distress when suicide becomes hard to deal with.

I don't know how you feel about support groups, but the Wildflower alliance has a lot of options for online support groups and a discord server. They have weekly alternatives to suicide groups where you can talk with other peers without the fear of institutionalization to get peer support in a way that's informed by mad liberation, a discord, and many other resources on their website.

The Hearing Voices network is also a great resource that has weekly support groups all across the country and lots of resources. They aren't just for hearing voices, but are an open space for all types of extreme states, like delusions, paranoia, and hallucinations.

I don't want to overwhelm you with resources, but please feel free to reach back out if you were looking for something different, like more material tools or whether you prefer videos or books or something in person like peer respite or something entirely different. kudos to you for reaching out and for being aware that stuff is starting to feel worse and wanting to figure out how to cope with it--sometimes awareness of this shit is the first step in trying to untangle why + how it's happening, and figuring out what helps when it is happening.

sending good vibes your way, anon, and questions or vents are always welcome in my inbox.

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Mentions of faking DID, hallucinations and delusions. Please don't read if any of those trigger you 💜

Before my schizoaffective disorder diagnosis I thought I had DID, and felt really bad about even thinking that. I thought I was faking it and just pretended to have it for attention (even though I only talked to my therapist about it)

Then after getting an actual diagnosis for schizoaffective disorder, I just believed that it was all a big delusion fueled by recurring hallucinations that manifested as different 'identities' in my head. Ones with different roles, names, appearances ect.

Finally I got on to medication and shunned any thoughts I had about it. I actively made myself less in tune with what was going on in my head and stopped looking for any signs that might indicate I'm part of a system.

I've been on these meds for a while now and everything seemed fine, until i started noticing the same things again.

I've noticed I'm sometimes taking a backseat in my conscience when doing things, like someone else is actually controlling my body and I'm just viewing what's happening. I'm losing time and losing items. I feel emotions that aren't mine and hear voices in my head, telling me what clothes they want to wear or what food they want to eat. I sometimes don't recognize people and I won't know where I am.

I'm just so confused right now that I can't figure out if these things actually stopped before or if i just completely blocked them out.

But I've been keeping track of it more and told my therapist about it today, and she said I am showing a lot of signs that point to me having either DID or OSDD.

Of course she's not able to diagnose me and she's not saying I actually have it because it's such a hard thing to diagnose, but i just don't know what to do now. I don't want to be one of those people that fake being a system for attention or someone who gives a bad name to the DID community.

Cause what if all of this is just a delusion that's overpowering my meds? I don't want to feel that shame again of feeling like I'm mocking people with DID by having these thoughts.

Are there any other people with schizophrenia/psychosis that deal with these type of things? Is it considered normal for us to feel like we have different identities in our heads?