#no more being told i’m eating too many carbs or sweets or alcohol

[blewthecandleout]

I genuinely can’t wait to move out of my mum’s house and know she can’t talk to me anymore.. I can’t wait to be free of her and never have to rely on her for my living situation again.. no more thinking I’m crazy for not liking her

[amanda-glassen]

Nugget prompt #128483937

I want….. Jamie and the bb feeding Serena carbs when she’s drunk 😆 because yes

...because drunk snack thief Serena is one of my favorite versions of Serena.

Binge drinking happened twice a week when Serena was in college, rarely when she was in her twenties and almost never once she reached her thirties. The former sorority girl had become mature and responsible even if her sister teased her for being a stereotypical wine mom; however, that weekend her sister Lexie, the vodka aunt, was in town and she wasn’t going to let Serena get away with just a couple of glasses of wine with dinner.

They had martinis at an upscale lounge, but the vibe of the place didn't satisfy Lexie, so she soon found herself at a college bar playing Shot Roulette with some frat boys. She couldn’t remember how she got to that point and, quite frankly, she didn’t think that mattered. What did matter to her was that Serena Benson, winner of their brother frat’s flip cup tournament in 2008, still had it in her to steal drinking game glory away from frat boys at age 34.

It was a little after midnight when she got home, which was earlier than the usual 2 a.m. that she’d end her nights at in college, but after a martini and 10, 11, or 12 shots－she couldn’t even remember－all she wanted to do was get home to her girlfriend and her daughter where there were no frat boys and the floors weren’t sticky with spilled drinks. She took off her dress and tossed it on the couch the moment she entered the living room, feeling grateful that she had decided to wear biker shorts and a cami underneath. Next were her strappy heels that she almost fell over trying to take off. 

“I’m home!” she shouted a little louder than she had hoped when she got into the kitchen. Her daughter and her girlfriend were making pizza rolls, her daughter’s favorite midnight snack, and it dawned on Serena that she needed to load up on carbs if she wanted to soak up all the alcohol she had consumed.

“Mom!” her daughter said as she rushed over to give her a hug. “Jamie and me made pizza rolls! Want one?”

“My sweet little girl,” Serena responded, holding her a little too tight for Olivia’s liking. “My Ollie Koalie, I would love a pizza roll.” She looked over at Jamie who had placed Olivia’s plate of pizza rolls on the counter.  “Isn’t she beautiful, Jay? I made her! She came from me. This perfect child who I never want to stop cuddling…”

A pleading look from Olivia signalled to Jamie that it was time to intervene. “I know, babe. Ollie is a great kid, but maybe it’s time to let her have her snack.”

She looked over at her sister who had begun rummaging through the cabinets for some tortilla chips. “Bless you, Serena, for always having junk food.” Lexie sat down on the floor, her back against the wall, and started shoveling chips in her mouth.

Serena hopped up on the counter－or at least she attempted to－and was thankfully caught by Jamie who lifted her up so she could sit on the counter. Olivia may have offered her one pizza roll, but with the plate so conveniently located next to her, she quickly popped two in her mouth followed by another three.

“Mom!” Olivia looked in disbelief at a nearly empty plate. “You only left one for me!”

Serena gave her daughter her most pleading look. “You know I love you more than anything.” 

“Here,” Olivia groaned, giving her the last pizza roll.

“Did you two have fun?” Jamie asked while she put more pizza rolls in the microwave for Olivia.

“Your girlfriend still has it,” Lexie mumbled, her mouth full of chips. “Serena is a fucking beast. Pardon my language, Ollie. We played shot roulette with some frat guys and even if you can stop after three shots in a row, my little Ser Bear kept going. She had a shot of Fireball, a shot of fucking white wine, and a shot of vodka in a row and didn’t even flinch. Those guys looked at her like she was one of the seven wonders of the world. They were so weak. They couldn’t even hold their alcohol.”

Jamie took the plate out of the microwave and set it aside to cool down. “Babe, how are you alive? How many shots did you take? Are you feeling okay?”

“Somewhere in the double digits,” Lexie answered for her, her voice filled with pride. “Serena is fine. This is nothing though. You should have seen her in college.”

Serena had started to question if she was, in fact, fine. The room wasn’t spinning and she could still feel her face, but she didn’t remember feeling this tired when she was taking shots at 18. Maybe I just need more pizza rolls. When Olivia left to get something from the fridge, Serena took it upon herself to start eating the freshly microwaved pizza rolls.

“Mom, what the heck?” Olivia set a water bottle next to her on the counter. “I go to the fridge to get you some water and you repay me by eating my snack? Why are you stealing food from your child? I need this so I can grow!”

Her daughter’s outburst made Serena start to laugh uncontrollably. Okay, now the room is spinning. She held onto her daughter so she could stay balanced. “I love you, Ollie.”

“No!” Olivia said as she broke free from her mom’s embrace. “Snack thieves don’t deserve koala cuddles.”

“It’s okay, kid. I’ll make you some more,” Jamie told her as she put yet another plate of pizza rolls in the microwave. “Just keep these out of reach of your mom. She’s too drunk to get off that counter so as long as you eat them in another part of the kitchen, you’ll be fine.”

Lexie and Olivia went to bed fifteen minutes later, which left Serena alone with Jamie in the kitchen. “Did I ever tell you how hot you are?” she tried to say in a flirtatious tone of voice, but soon realized her words were probably slurring.

When Jamie stood in front of her, Serena wasted no time before wrapping her arms around her neck and leaning into her. “Do you feel okay, babe?”

Serena nuzzled into her, hoping it would make her feel better. “Everything is spinning and I can’t feel my lips. I don’t feel okay. I don’t feel 18 anymore or 21. I feel 34. I’m gonna be throwing up all morning, aren’t I?”

“Yup,” Jamie tried not to laugh. “I can’t say I’ll hold your hair back, but I’ll put your hair in a bun so it doesn’t get in your hair.”

“Thank you. And Jay?”

“Yes, Ser?” 

“I can’t get off this counter. Can you carry me to our bed?”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #302

“heaven ain’t close in a place like this”

What color are your eyes? Grayish blue. What's your favorite type of milk? If we're talking the basics, ig 1% is fine. What would you change about your appearance if you could? Oh, hunny, you got time for an essay? What would you change about your bedroom if you could? I need to fucking finish decorating it... It's not finished by no fault but my own laziness. Are you rich or poor? We're definitely pretty poor. Are you double jointed? I don't think so. What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? I once had a large infected cyst that had to be drained by applying pressure to it, and I swear to Christ I don't know how I didn't faint. They gave me morphine and multiple numbing shots, but none of that did SHIT. I'm not even embarrassed by the fact I was shrieking and sobbing and swearing because I'm pretty fucking sure any sane person would've cried out many times. I'm convinced they either didn't numb me enough for someone of my size back then, or I should've just gone under for it. I have no words for how painful it really was. Do you like shots? Uh, given that nobody LIKES getting a shot with a needle, I'm going to assume you mean like, taking shots of alcohol, in which case I've never tried, but I can almost absolutely guarantee you I'd hate them. I hate the taste of alcohol (hence why I only drink sweet and weak stuff), sooooo, I've got my doubts I'd enjoy something so potent. Are you afraid of spiders? Yes and no? Small ones don't tend to get to me, and I LOVE tarantulas. Big spiders are absolutely fascinating and I love *watching* them, but if I was surprised by a sudden spider, I'm going to probably cry out and jump/scramble away. But on a real note, respect your spiders, whether they scare you or not. They are so important to the ecosystem. See one in the house, take it outside if you can. Have you ever had an allergic reaction to something? To some earrings, yes. I have to wear ones that don't have silver in them. Do you like to read? Yeah, but not nearly as much as I did as a kid. I'm even slacking on WoF lately... Do you know what your purpose in life is? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* BITCH I WISH I KNEW What's something you would like to improve at? Not being a socially anxious catastrophe. Do you believe you have great potential? Everybody does. You just have to use it. What is the most beautiful scenery you have ever beheld? Probably the mountains when driving to Tennessee. Or New York? I really can't recall either so clearly as to have a favorite. Are you flexible? Noooot anymore. Back in my WiiFit days, I was a gotdamn snake. List a song lyric that you like. Oh Jesus, don't make me think. Uhhhhh there's so many. Flipping through artists in my head with lyrics I tend to love, there's Otep with: "hey, hey, NRA, how many kids did you kill today?". Simple, but spine-chilling to me. Huh, time to listen to it actually, lol. That song murders me with the goosebumps. Do you meditate? No; I can't. You can't tell me to "free my mind," man. It's way too hectic at all times up there. What's one place you've been to that you want to visit again? I'd love to go back to Chicago one night when I actually learn how to do nighttime urban photography. What's one place you want to go that you've never visited before? I always answer "South Africa" to questions like this, so for variety's sake, I'll say the Bahamas. But a conspiratory bitch is afraid of the Bermuda Triangle, so... lmao. What's your favorite type of tree? I like big, impressive weeping willows. How many times have you seriously injured yourself? Only two occasions I can think of immediately. Maybe there's more, but idk. Did you attend Sunday School as a child? Yeah, even though I hated it. What is the longest your hair has ever been? Maybe a little passed the small of my back? What about the shortest? (not including being a toddler or baby): How it is now and has been for a couple years: shaved short on the left side, and it transitions to a length near my chin as you go to the right. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Are/were you in the school band, and if so, what instrument did you play? I did, and I played the flute. I'd choose the saxophone if I could go back. Who does the grocery shopping in your household? Well, it's just Mom and me, so her. If you were to donate to charity today, what would you donate to? One that focuses on ovarian cancer for Mom. What is your favorite card game and when was the last time you played it? Even though I was never great at it or knew every single rule, "Magic: The Gathering" is honestly really fun, and I loved looking at the card art. I haven't played it since I was with Jason, so at least five-six years. Would you consider yourself to be good at spelling and grammar? Yeah, but I've somehow gotten worse with time???? I question the spelling and tenses of words I write a lot. What is your favourite seasonal candy? (only available at certain times): Probably like, chocolate rabbits. NOT hollow. Way to break my heart. Or gingerbread cookies. What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I think a Hershey's? It was a while ago. Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? I was in a Zoom session with multiple people for my partial hospitalization program. Have you ever dreamt about sleeping with someone other than your partner? If so, did that make you feel embarrassed? I've never had a dream like this while in a relationship. The last time you had butterflies in your stomach, what was the reason? I have no idea. Has anyone told you that they miss you recently? No. Has anyone ever asked you out or told you that they liked you, and you rejected them? Can you explain why you didn’t like, or didn’t feel attracted to that person? There was this one guy in the 4th grade who asked me if I would go out with him so much it almost became like a joke. I just... didn't like him like that. Then there's Juan; I'd just been warned that he had a bad rep by a very reliable adult, and the idea of dating him was kinda... intimidating anyway. Plus he was a smoker, which was and still is a no-no for me. What part in a movie would you love to play? The clinically insane villain or something because I feel with my history, I could channel that very well IF I actually wanted to act in the first place. What piece of furniture have you replaced the most? The couch. What’s the best part of your favorite movie? When Simba walks up Pride Rock in the rain and roars and all the lionesses join in. Chilling. What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever? Candy corn is repulsive. What was the highlight of your day? My mom was raving to one of my therapists in the PHP about my art and how badly she wants me to just get everything out there. I was smiling really big but looking down with how shy but also flattered it made me. Do you know anyone who is anorexic? I don't think so. Who has hurt you the most this year? Ha, myself. What's the last insult someone said to you? Hm. How much did your car cost? N/A What is the last picture you received on your phone of? Uhhh Mom mighta sent me a meme or Sara showed me a drawing someone made of Suriza, I think. Have you ever let someone go because you thought they deserved better? No, though I've felt that way before. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now? I'm still not over the fact Dad was a druggie before me and my sisters, apparently. It's almost like... hurtful in some weird way? Idk exactly why, it's just something I know I feel. What do you hear right now? I have Motionless In White's cover of "Somebody Told Me" playing in another tab. Do you do anything to help the environment? I do what I can as someone who isn't financially independent and reliant on another person for transportation. I won't litter for anything (and this includes shit like letting balloons go in the air, fucking stop), I'm trying to use my metal straw always in place of plastic, and to use less plastic bags, I try to spread out the times I clean Roman's litterbox to a few days; not to the point it's disgusting or uncomfortable for him, of course, though. Three days without is pretty much max. When's the last time you did something you knew was wrong? Ha, a little while ago... I was trying to avoid eating the two last biscuits Mom made for dinner 'cuz I really gotta lay off the carbs, but Mom "joked" that "it's your birthday, you get to do whatever you want," so I kinda just said fuck it lmao. Do you think that you have a pretty smile? No, because my eyes squint badly, and I also hate my teeth. When's the last time you cried over a guy? A few days ago a little bit, actually. I was reminiscing too much and recalling some of the warmest memories. Are you scared to lose the person you fell the hardest for? I already did. Oh well. Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now? Yep. Do you have any friends that actually model? No. Do you care about the last person you kissed? A fucking lot. Do they care about you? Yes. Is there someone you wish you were with right now? Yes, just because of past birthday memories. I keep hoping a "happy birthday Britt" pops up in my FB messenger, and I hate myself for it. Have you ever imagined how it would feel kissing a certain someone? I legitimately just huffed in humor, guess, lmao. What are the bad things you've heard people say about you? That I'm a martyr, going nowhere, lazy, not trying hard enough, y'know, all that good stuff. Do you flirt a lot? Definitely not. What phrase or saying do you use the most? Probably "oof" lol. What mood are you in right now? I'm doing pretty all right. Kinda dreading Miss Tobey coming over, mean as it is, but I just... don't wanna deal with her and her judgments on my birthday. But I'm looking forward to seeing my sisters, and therapy went very well. Have you ever kissed someone that was high? No. Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Yep. How many exes do you have? I only consider two exes "serious," as I've only been in two deep and long-term relationships, but if we're counting everyone who's had the label of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," there's six. Do you want to be single or with someone? Ugh, I don't know. It's probably better I don't 'til I figure my shit out, but I really do miss the companionship a lot. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I love her and I was leaving her at the airport. Does your mom think you’re a virgin? She doesn't know for the same reason I don't, really. I think she leans towards I am, but idk. Is there someone that wants you to give them a second chance? I don't know. What size bra do you wear? Uhhh I genuinely don't buy bras enough to know this exactly. C-something. Does the person you last kissed still like you? I don't know if she still like-likes me. Are your parents still together? Noooo. Was your first time good or bad? I dated an Italian, if u kno what I mean. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Which friend-turned-enemy do you miss the most? Colleen, sometimes. Have you ever used an epi pen, and it worked? I have not. What is on your top priority list for today? Make this fuckin' day for me. I'm trying to not let the depression sink in and make me feel worthless on today of all days. So I'm trying to stay in a positive headspace. Do you own any sand art in a jar? Omg, those are so cool! But no. Does the sun come in your window in the morning or at night? Not really; there's houses in the way. What was the last piece of art you created? A drawing of a meerkat with its mouth open angrily, done with colored pencils, against a black background. It's on my second dA. What time of day do you take medications? I have prescription meds for when I wake up and at bedtime. What's your newest hobby you've started? A new hobby? Huh... What are some things you wanted to do that your parents didn't let you do? They wouldn't let us stay home alone until a certain age, we had a timer on the TV at bedtime to shut off after a while, we weren't exposed to certain music or shows, no cursing... stuff like that. What YouTube channels do you recommend? This is a BAD question to ask me, 'cuz I could just about recommend channels for just about any niche. I watch soooooo many. What is your favorite day of the week? Tuesday, because it's reset day in WoW, haha. Meaning, I get to do my stupid mount farming raids again for the week. Blackhand, gimme your FUCKING clefthoof already. Ballet or cheerleading? Ballet is beautiful. What are your favorite sports to watch? Only dancing, really. Were you ever in the marching band? No. Which holiday has the best decorations, in your opinion? My contrasting aesthetics make this hard, haha. I love Christmas with all the beautiful light displays people can make, but let's not sleep on Halloween, y'all. I loooove Halloween decor, like c'mon, that's where I get shit for my room year-round, lmao. What do you want to be known for? It'd actually be kinda cool if I built up some sort of rep in the vulture culture community with my photography of roadkill. For how few shots I actually have on there and minimal interaction, my Instagram for it is doing quite well, if you consider those factors. They've gotten some pretty decent attention on dA, too. I would love for people to know why I do it though, of course: awareness and respect for the animal's life. How often do you wear make-up? Almost never nowadays. Think of the person you are jealous of...what are you jealous of them for? She's actually making a career out of her photography. Do you have art that you made in high school? Oh, plenty. Do you have trauma in your past? *clears throat* take a fuckin seat Favorite type of frosting? Chocolate. Have you ever tried cake decorating? No. One of my sisters is actually one, though! She's great at it. What clubs are you a part of? None. What was your favorite book that you had to read for school? The Outsiders. 6th grade, to be exact. Do you like to read classics, or do you usually read new arrivals? I don't prefer one over the other, honestly. Were you a big partier in college? No, I never partied. Is your college one you would recommend? My most recent one, fuck yes. They're amazing and care so deeply for their students. Would you go camping in the woods alone? Yikes, no. Would you name your kids after anyone? If I had a son and I had my way with the name, he would be named after the Most Selfless Man in the World, Damien from WKM. :'''''( Do you have any supernatural gifts? No. Are there any good churches in your town? You're asking someone who has a bad relationship with religion. Do you want an indoor or outdoor wedding? It really depends on the season and venue my spouse and I pick. Do you think you would be a good salesperson? HEEEEEEEEEEEELL NAW fam. I ain't pressuring people to buy shit.

[imnotinclinedtomaturity]

Love Yourself (Chapter 30)

title: Love Yourself summary: A lot of things about Dan’s life are pretty great. He gets to make the music he wants, he’s got a great fanbase, and his manager is his best friend. A few things about his life suck a bit more. He’s currently lacking inspiration, he’s rather lonely, and he’s stuck in a rut. Dan’s been going to the same coffee shop for years. It’s quiet, it’s quaint, it’s near his home. Most importantly: none of the employees give a shit that’s he a world-famous singer. Things change when he meets the new barista. chapter words: 7.6k story words: 240k (so far) chapter: 30/? rating: m warnings: language, alcohol, sex mentions, some bi/homophobia, eventual explicit smut, some depression genre: singer!dan, coffee shop au, barista!phil, slow burn [[ao3]] [[first chapter]] [[previous chapter]]

a/n: thanks to my one true love @auroraphilealis giving up whatever she was doing tonight to beta, even though she had a headache and unlimited lives on her fave mobile game of the moment xx 

Dan woke up early, groggy from jetlag. The hotel room was shrouded in dark shadows, and in his sleepy state, he couldn’t tell if it was from the thick curtains or if it was still dark outside. Whichever it was, it really made him not want to move — well, that and the warm weight of Phil’s arm wrapped around his waist and the soft, rhythmic tickle of Phil’s breath against the back of Dan’s neck. Sometime during the night, they’d shifted from their original position of Dan’s head on Phil’s chest. They hadn’t drifted far from each other, though. Somehow, they’d ended up spooning, and Dan secretly loved that even in their sleep, they’d wanted to stay close together.

But despite the serenity, worry nagged at the back of Dan’s mind, and he found himself itching to check his phone. He’d spent the majority of the plane ride ruminating about Isabella’s interview, his mind spiraling and dreaming up worst case scenarios. During the one hour of the flight he’d managed to sleep, he’d dreamed that Isabella had told everyone he’d cheated on her with Phil.

Luckily, last night he’d slept peacefully — he couldn’t imagine trying to film an interview in front of a live audience on a fitful night’s sleep. Dan suspected that Phil had something to do with why he’d slept so well, but now didn’t seem like the time to explore that thought.

Careful not to disturb Phil, Dan stretched forward to swipe his phone off the bedside table. He clicked it on, and was surprised to find that it was only half past seven — his alarm wasn’t due to go off for another half hour. Less surprising was the fact that there were already two text messages from Louise; it was five hours later there after all.

The messages had only come in an hour ago.

There was little doubt in Dan’s mind that the messages had something to do with Isabella’s interview, because Louise would have waited until a more reasonable time to text about anything else. Wiggling further back into Phil’s embrace, Dan took a deep breath and opened them.

Louise [6:28AM]: Tatler has already posted about the interview. They must have wanted to get it out fast, because it’s pretty much just a transcript, not a proper article. I’m going to read it now.

Louise [6:37AM]: You’re going to hate it. Honestly, it’s not that bad, there’s nothing so damning that you can’t fix it. But… you won’t like it :( Here’s the link: www.tatler.uk/18572650

“Fuck,” Dan muttered, apparently a little too loudly. Behind him, Phil stirred; his leg shifted, wrapping fully around Dan’s, and Phil pulled him in closer.

“What time’s it?” Phil asked, his voice deep and scratchy with sleep.

“Half seven,” Dan answered shortly.

“What’re you doin’ up?” Phil slurred. His hand dipped just inside the hem of Dan’s pyjama pants, his thumb stroking Dan’s bare hipbone. On any other morning, Dan was certain that this would be pleasant — peaceful even. But this morning, Dan’s mind couldn’t detach from the real world enough to enjoy the touch.

“Louise texted. The interview is up.” Even to his own ears, Dan’s voice sounded flat. Flat and tight.

The news seemed to affect Phil just as much as it had Dan. The gentle caress of Dan’s hip stopped abruptly, Phil’s hand gripping his waist tightly instead.

“How bad?” Phil asked warily.

Dan tipped his head slightly so that he could at least sort of see Phil. “Dunno yet. I haven’t read it. Louise said I wouldn’t like it, but it, and I quote, isn’t too bad and there’s nothing too damning.”

“That’s… contradictory.” Phil’s brows were furrowed; he looked just as confused as Dan felt.

“Fucking tell me about it,” Dan grumbled. Louise had never been one to sugar coat news about publicity, so he objectively knew this couldn’t be that horrific. But still, the fact that his best friend knew he’d hate what Isabella had to say… He had a feeling that meant that Izzy had probably gone for the jugular.

“Well,” Phil said with a sigh. “Should we read it?”

“Unfortunately,” Dan huffed. One hand dropped from his phone, reaching instead for Phil’s arm that was wrapped around his waist. Slowly, Dan slithered his hand down until his fingers linked with Phil’s. Looking over his shoulder, Dan’s eyes flickered back and forth between Phil’s. “Together?” he asked hopefully.

“Of course,” Phil agreed, leaning forward and pressing a chaste kiss to Dan’s forehead.

“Alright, here goes nothing.” With a sigh, Dan rolled back onto his side, and clicked the link Louise had sent. He felt Phil raise up on his elbow, his head hooking around Dan’s shoulder so he could read too. The page loaded, and Dan dove into reading, knowing that if he procrastinated at all, his anxiety might stop him from ever being able to read it.

—

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of Love with Daniel Howell

This morning, I sat down with one of Tatler’s favorite models, Isabella De La Renta, to talk about her recent split from singer Daniel Howell (see here, here, and here for our past coverage of the shocking break up). For those curious, Isabella ordered a green tea (maybe inspired by her recent trip to China; see here for more details) and a yogurt parfait (no granola because she doesn’t eat carbs to maintain her perfect figure!). Isabella dished on everything from Dan’s shocking announcement about his sexuality (see his instagram post here) to how their relationship was going before their split.

You and Dan dated for a long time —

IDLR: Almost a year!

What’s life like now that you’re broken up?

IDLR: It’s been a hard adjustment. In so many ways, Dan was my best friend. It still feels weird to not be able to call him after a long day or to share good news.

I think it goes without saying that your breakup was a huge shock to your fans. Were you surprised?

IDLR: Yes and no. By the time we broke up, I knew it was the right thing to do, but if you asked me earlier this year, I never would have guessed. Just a few months ago, I went to Adalina’s birthday dinner — that’s Dan’s little sister — and his mum and I were talking about rings. His whole family was so welcoming and seemed really supportive of the idea of marriage.

Oh wow — rings. How did that come up?

IDLR: Dan’s mum was wearing a gorgeous diamond ring that he bought her for Christmas, and she made a point to tell me that. It was so clearly a sneaky way for him to get my opinion on what kind of rings I prefer. It was kind of sweet actually.

From ring talk to breaking up, that’s quite a change. You said that you knew breaking up was the right thing to do. Why was that?

For the first time since we sat down together, Isabella fell silent. Her eyes drifted out the window, and she was silent a long time. By the time she spoke again, her voice was choked up with tears and the model’s response was interrupted by delicate sniffles. It’s clear that this topic is still hard for her to talk about.

IDLR: We dated almost a year and, like I said, we were best friends. I thought I knew everything about Danny. And then in January, he told me he was attracted to guys, too. I really didn’t want it to affect our relationship, but I felt so betrayed that he’d kept such a big part of himself secret from me that it was hard to trust him anymore. In the end, I knew I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t willing to be completely authentic with me.

Did you feel like he continued to be inauthentic with you after he came out to you?

IDLR: Yes, yes definitely. Dan assured me — just like he announced on his insta — that he’s bisexual. But after a year of dating him, and seeing how he is with a certain boy, I think maybe… maybe he’s not bisexual if you know what I mean.

Interesting. So what do you think that means about his relationship with you?

IDLR: Honestly, I feel really used. Before he told me about his sexuality, there were definitely moments where I felt like he was dating me for reasons he wasn’t letting on. But I never would have guessed it was a coverup for being gay.

I don't think any of us anticipated that! How did Dan handle the breakup?

IDLR: He really didn’t want to break up — he asked me several times to reconsider. I think he liked being able to show the world that he had a girlfriend, and ultimately, we did have a lot of fun together. Even if it did turn out to be not genuinely based on sex or romance.

Since you teased about it, will you tell us what the sex was like?

IDLR: Nosey nosey! For a while, it was good — maybe because it was new or him exploring or whatever. But that must have worn off or something. For the last few months, he wasn’t interested in it at all. He’d always find an excuse to get out of it, and the few times he didn’t… well, let’s just say it didn’t work and it wasn’t my fault. That was really hard to come to terms with and I felt so rejected.

That would be difficult for anyone to handle.

IDLR: I feel like it was extra hard for me because I’ve, like, never been rejected like that before. I grew up always being the pretty girl that everybody wanted, so to have Danny not want me in that way… Well, that’s when I knew for sure that he wasn’t bi, and realized our whole relationship was totally fake and I was just his… beard.

His beard — wow. That’s not something you hear much anymore.

IDLR: Maybe people are just better at keeping secrets now. Besides, it doesn’t take a genius to notice that I’m the only public relationship Dan’s had. Why else do you think that would be, if it wasn’t that all his lovers were men?

I asked Isabella if she had any final things to say about Daniel Howell, and she left us with this powerful message:

“Danny had me fooled for almost a year, and we were closer than I thought two people could be. Don’t hesitate to think that he might be fooling you too.” -IDLR.

—

“Fuck fuck fucking fuck!” Dan cursed. Every single word in the article was complete bullshit, but that quote at the end — that quote was the final fucking straw. How fucking dare Isabella twist the story like that, and then use her twisted, fucked up version of events to make everyone question everything he was going to say?

Adrenaline was coursing through Dan’s veins, and he couldn’t possibly stay still for another second. Dan chucked his phone towards the foot of the bed, not bothering to check if it landed safely — it was cracked anyway — and abruptly lunged out of Phil’s arm.

Pent up energy was eating at him, making him itch to move, so he began pacing their room. With vehement quickness, Dan marched up and down the small aisle between the foot of the bed and the dresser, pacing from the sofa to the bathroom and back, over and over and over.

“Fuck her, fuck her, that fucking cunt!” Dan spat, bringing one hand up to tug roughly at his tangled curls.

“Dan, I know you’re pissed off, but —” Phil started to say, but Dan wasn’t having any of it. He just barely glanced over, only fleetingly noting that Phil had pushed himself up to a sitting position and was now leaning forward like he wanted to say something.

“Pissed off?” Dan asked incredulously with a bitter laugh. Pissed off didn’t even begin to describe how Dan felt right now — he was downright livid, and he literally could not remember a single time where he’d been more upset than this. Not when his dad had sold his car without his permission, not when a group of obnoxious young fans had tried to harass Adaline for information, not when an unreleased, private song had accidentally been released to the public.

This — this was a whole new fucking level of anger, and there was only one way Dan knew how to cope with it.

Music.

He wanted everyone to know that Isabella was the one trying to fool the world, that Isabella was the one lying out of her ass. And what better way to do it than singing a song that practically screamed how fucked up Isabella’s behavior had been?

And if he sang it tonight, just hours after Isabella’s interview was released, people would know he’d written it beforehand — it would be at least one piece of evidence that would corroborate his version — the real version — of the story.

“That bitch isn’t getting away with this,” Dan muttered fiercely. His hands were clenched into tight fists at his side, his breaths coming in harsh huffs.

“Don’t do anything too rash, Dan,” Phil half-heartedly pleaded from the bed. The words knocked Dan out of his thoughts, and he froze mid-pace to spin around and face Phil.

“It’s not considered rash if I already planned on releasing the song at some point, right?” He raised his eyebrows pointedly.

Phil narrowed his gaze, though, eyeing Dan carefully. “I thought you said you only had one song you could perform without the backup band?”

Dan narrowed his eyes. He understood Phil’s rebuttal — Dan had told Phil that there was only one song he could play with just his guitar. My My My was Dan’s only acoustic song. But that didn’t mean it was the only song he could play without having his full backup band with him.

“Well, technically,” he admitted slowly. “But I do have another song — a perfect song — that’s basically ready. The band’s already recorded the instrumental parts, so I could just sing to that,” Dan suggested tentatively.

To Dan’s surprise, Phil pouted at the news. His bottom lip stuck out pitifully, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“I thought my song was perfect?” he whined.

The anger that had been curling at Dan’s edges receded slightly, utter adoration for the man in front of him creeping into its place. Despite the urge to retaliate against Isabella’s accusations, Dan found his entire body, his entire demeanor, softening. Phil was so cute, and yet so petulant, that Dan couldn’t help melting. There was a happy glint in Phil’s eyes that was never there when Isabella had pouted at Dan, a spark that told Dan that this was different.

Before Dan could process his own actions, he was moving again, this time walking with purpose towards Phil and coming to a stop at the very edge of the bed.

Reaching out, Dan cupped Phil’s face in his palms, tilting his head up until their eyes met.

“Of course your song is perfect, Philly,” Dan reassured him with a soft smile. “But I wrote My My My, and the rest of your songs for that matter, when I was happy and giddy and in—” Dan paused, a hot flush rising to his cheeks. “Well. When I wasn’t in this kind of mood. And I’d rather the world didn’t hear any of them for the first time with this mood tainting it.”

For a moment, Phil just held Dan’s gaze. Dan raised his brows hopefully, almost pleading for Phil’s sad look to go away. But then Phil’s pouted melted, and a small smile replaced it instead. A part of Dan — a bigger part of him than he’d like to admit, really — was surprised at how quickly Phil’s pout had disappeared, even if the pout had only been joking in the first place. After a year with Isabella, Dan was used to fucking groveling if he wanted those sad looks to go away without sex.

“The rest of my songs?” Phil marveled, a hint of astonishment lacing his voice and a pink blush tainting his cheeks.

“Yes you loser, the rest of your songs.” Dan huffed, but not bothering to hide an enamoured grin.

“I didn’t know there was more than just the one,” Phil said softly, a note of awe in his voice.

“Did you even listen to the concept of the album?” Dan shook his head and rolled his eyes. Humor and fondness were seeping into his words no matter how hard he tried to sound serious; it didn’t matter that he’d been delirious with anger fifteen seconds ago, something about this boy managed to swing his mood to the polar opposite in the flicker of a second. “Wanting you, getting you… doesn’t that imply a bare minimum of two songs?” Dan teased, quirking an eyebrow and running one hand along the short, buzzcut side of Phil’s hair.

Isabella wasn’t right, he wasn’t gay, but he definitely reveled in how much of a boy Phil was.

“I mean,” Phil’s tongue darted out to lick his lips, his mouth pulling into a broad grin. Through his teeth, Phil’s tongue continued poking out of his mouth, and for once, his hand didn’t shoot up to hide it. “I guess I objectively figured that. But I didn’t, like… know. For sure, I mean.”

“You’re a dork, but I like you anyway,” Dan teased with a smirk.

Leaning down, Dan closed the gap between them and pressed his lips against Phil’s. The kiss was soft, almost chaste, at first, but the adrenaline that had been plaguing Dan must not have settled yet. The gentle kiss quickly grew heated, Dan’s mouth parting and his tongue darting out to lick along Phil’s bottom lip.

The soft whine Phil let out made Dan grin smugly.

“Before I call Lou about the song change, I need to shower and cool down,” Dan panted against Phil’s mouth after a moment, only drawing far enough back to mumble the words. Tipping his head forward, Dan captured Phil’s lips once more, playfully, sucking Phil’s bottom lip between his own, and letting his teeth graze along the sensitive skin just inside of Phil’s mouth. “Come with me?”

Hot staccatoed breaths fanned across Dan’s face as Phil chuckled, chasing Dan’s mouth to press a final, chaste kiss to his lips. “I’m pretty sure me showering with you will do the opposite of helping you cool down,” Phil teased.

“But Phi-illllll,” Dan whined, his voice several octaves higher than normal. Childish petulance seemed to take over Dan, and he stomped his foot on the ground, tugging pointedly at Phil’s hair.

“But D-annnn,” Phil mocked, his voice somehow even higher than Dan’s. Smirk on his face, Phil lightly shook Dan by the hips.

Actions speak louder than words, or so everyone said, so rather than replying, Dan opted to slide his hands from Phil’s cheeks down down down until he’d landed on Phil’s hips. Even then, Dan didn’t stop; one hand drifted farther, slipping into the hem of Phil’s pants. His fingers grazed Phil’s hipbone, creeping farther and farther back towards Phil’s arse.

Dan wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips in what he hoped was a suggestive manner. “Come on,” he said gruffly, his hand lightly squeezing what he could reach of Phil’s arse.

“I’ll tell you what,” Phil started with a mischievous glint in his eye, shaking his head at Dan’s offer but smirking all the while. “I promise we’ll do something fun when you’re done filming the show.”

Lips pursed, Dan raised his brows skeptically. “Why can’t we do something fun later and now? It seems unnecessarily cruel for you to lounge in bed and leave me to wank in the shower,” he whined.

“Jesus christ, Dan,” Phil muttered, his eyes squeezing shut. Against his hips, Dan could feel the way Phil’s fingers dug in, he could see the way Phil’s entire body tensed. Everything about Phil’s demeanor made Dan confident that Phil would cave, if not now, then soon.

It took a moment, but Phil opened them again, although he didn’t quite meet Dan’s eye. “We both know if I come with you, we’ll both get absurdly distracted.”

“So?” Dan asked petulantly, sticking his lip out this time.

“So!” Phil huffed, exasperated. “You have a big day today and should focus on that. Besides, I should really call my mum.”

Dan wrinkled his nose, horrified at the change in subject. “Your mum? Are you really dragging your mum into this to turn me off?”

“Shut up, you twat.” Phil rolled his eyes, finally tipping his head far enough back to meet Dan’s gaze again. “My mum’s only request is that I text her if I leave the time zone, and now we’ve traveled through like six, so I think I owe her a call.”

“Yikes,” Dan cringed, his face scrunched up in horror. “You should have called her from the aeroport or something!” Dan tapped Phil’s shoulder impatiently, trying to get his point across.

Phil smiled softly, one hand reaching up to still Dan’s hand, trapping it against Phil’s neck. “I didn’t wanna leave you alone,” he said warmly, his other thumb grazing over Dan’s hipbone.

“Ugh,” Dan recoiled instantly, his nose wrinkling up in disgust. He wrangled his hand out of Phil’s grip, lightly swatting him on the shoulder. “Gross,” Dan whined, but his lips were drawn into a beaming smile.

Phil flicked Dan’s shoulder with his free hand, and flashed him a cheeky grin. “Shut up and go shower, Howell.”

“Fuck you too, Lester,” Dan pouted.

“You can do whatever you want later,” Phil teased coyly, his hand dipping into Dan’s pants to squeeze the top of his arse. Even knowing that Phil wasn’t going to accompany him to the shower, Dan couldn’t help but arch back into Phil’s touch.

“Fine, but you better believe I’m taking you up on that promise,” Dan griped, taking a minute step backward.

“Good,” Phil said with a shameless smile. “I hoped you would.”

********************

As much as Dan had resented having to get himself off with a rushed and mediocre handjob in the shower when he had a perfectly good, sexy boyfriend right outside the door, Phil had been right. From the minute Dan had gotten out of the shower — literally, he actually got out early because Louise was ringing — until the time Dan had been plopped down in a makeup chair in a small dressing room, he’d been having non-stop conversations about logistics and planning. Between Louise, his record label, and the Tonight Show coordinators, Dan barely had time to breathe — much less fuck around in the shower.

All the planning had been good though. It kept his mind busy and held his nerves at bay — until now.

Now, as some random woman dabbed foundation onto Dan’s face, there was nothing to do other than let his mind wander. Phil had ducked out a few minutes ago, going on a quest for decent coffee for Dan. While Dan really did want some tolerable caffeine, he was beginning to regret letting Phil be the one to get it.

Phil’s grounding chatter had disappeared, and along with it, so had Dan’s composure. Nerves had settled deep in the pit of his stomach and were slowly taking over his whole body. Sure, Dan had been given a run-down of topics Jimmy would hit on — and allowed to veto any he was uncomfortable with — but the gravity of what he was about to do, what he was about to talk about on national television, was weighing on him.

The makeup artist finished with the foundation and grabbed a natural-looking dark brown mascara from the pot. “Look up, please,” she instructed.

Dan eyed the brown mascara — mascara that was basically almost the exact same shade as his own eyelashes. Something about it didn’t feel right tonight, and he couldn’t quite keep his gut from screaming about it. This whole week was a movement towards being more authentic, and in a sudden moment of brazenness, Dan interrupted the makeup woman.

“Actually —” Dan paused. Stalled in hesitation, his tongue darting out to nervously wet his lower lip. Fuck it. Tonight was about making a statement. A big, loud and proud statement. He wasn’t going to half-ass it. “Can you do some eyeliner first? And maybe the black mascara?” The words came out more unsure than he’d wanted them to, and his hand was shaky as he pointed to the most dramatic tube, but he’d asked all the same. That’s what counted.

Dan expected the woman to be surprised, to balk at his request for something more feminine than she was offering. But to his surprise, she smiled broadly and gushed, “Of course!” as she pulled a small bag out of her kit. “What kind of look are you going for? Something subtle that will bring out your eyes? Or something more dramatic like the mid-2000s emo trend?”

“Um…” Dan floundered, suddenly doubting his decision — he didn’t want either of those options. Eyes fluttering closed, Dan listened to Adaline’s voice in his head saying one deep breath and then do the thing that scares you. “Neither,” he said as he met the makeup artist’s gaze with a defiant stare. This time, his voice wasn’t trembling or uncertain. It was strong. Confident.

The makeup artist’s head tilted slightly, and her lips quirked up into a small grin. “Okay, tell me what you’d like.”

Dan’s gaze drifted to his reflection in the mirror, his eyes tracing over the features of his face. “Nothing too dramatic, but I want it to be… noticeable.” He contemplated his long lashes and the dark brown of his eyes. “Something… pretty.”

“I can definitely do pretty!” The woman assured him with bubbly enthusiasm. “What are your thoughts about a bit of highlighter and bronzer to make those cute cheeks pop?”

A warm blush flushed Dan’s cheeks, and he looked down at his lap to hide his smile. He was flustered. Not from her calling him cute, but from the fact that someone other than Louise was willing to indulge his interest in makeup.

“Yeah,” Dan agreed softly, glancing up to meet the woman’s gaze in the mirror. “Whatever you think will look nice.”

Mesmerized, Dan watched as the woman pulled palette after palette out of her bag, opening and closing them as she seemed to debate which products to use. It was all so much nicer than the kid’s kit he’d bought Darcy, and so much more than the small stock Adaline used to have in her bathroom drawers.

The woman brushed powders over his cheeks, some feeling like they were almost down to his chin, some feeling like the went all the way up to his eye. Having his makeup done — proper makeup, not just stage makeup — was more nerve-wracking than Dan had anticipated, and he forced himself to avert his eyes anywhere but his own reflection. If he saw himself before she’d finished, he worried that he’d lose his courage; it was better to wait until the whole thing was done, then it would be harder to derail.

And maybe it’d look nice enough that he wouldn’t want to.

He reached out for one of the untouched palettes and opened it, only to find an array of greys and whites and blacks, some shimmery, some matte, and some straight up glitter. They were pretty — prettier than he thought he thought makeup could be, honestly.

“What’s this?” he asked, raising the palette a bit so the woman could see.

“Eyeshadow. Do you want some of that, too?” She asked it like it was the simplest question in the world, not like Dan was taking a rather large step in his slow but steady defiance of gender roles and heteronormativity.

His eyes lingered on one glittery grey powder, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly like a gaping fish.

After a moment’s hesitation, he weakly responded, “I think… not today.”

The makeup artist considered him for a second before plucking the palette out of his hands. “It’s up to you, of course, but we could do something really subtle. Maybe like this?” She spun the palette around so Dan could see it again, and pointed to one of the lightest options, a pale white with the faintest of shimmer. Dan didn’t know much about makeup, but he doubted the color would even show up on his skin.

“Does that even count as a color?” he asked doubtfully.

“It’s more of an accent, usually.” The makeup artist shrugged. “But if we swept it across your eyelids, the light shimmer would catch in the light and it would look nice. Barely noticeable if you weren’t looking for it, but nice.”

Dan hesitated again, his fingers tapping the table in front of him as he considered her offer. For some reason, eyeshadow — even eyeshadow that was basically nonexistent — seemed like a bigger step than eyeliner and something to accent his cheeks.

“Here,” the makeup artist said in a soothing voice, almost as if she sensed his apprehension. Without waiting for a response from Dan, she pulled a brush out of her toolkit and reached for Dan’s hand. “I’ll swipe it on your hand so you can see what it looks like on your skin first.”

“Oh!” Dan breathed, astonished. The idea of testing it somewhere hadn’t occurred to him at all, and he was suddenly realizing how fucking little he knew about makeup. Pliantly, Dan let her guide his hand towards her, and he felt his cheeks heat up again as she swiped the brush against the inside of his wrist. It tickled far more than he’d thought it would — not necessarily a bad thing, though. The sensation only lasted a few seconds before she released his hands and raised her eyebrows expectantly.

Slowly, tentatively, Dan lowered his arm, flipping it up so that he could see the soft, paler skin on the inside of his wrist.

In the end, the powder she’d applied was so light that he almost couldn’t see it. It wasn’t until he tilted his arm back and forth that he was able to see how the powder caught the light. She was right — it was just a faint shimmer, one he might not notice if he wasn’t trying to find it.

Still, the barely-there glitter was hypnotizing, and he found himself unable to look away.

“It’s so pretty,” he breathed, more to himself than to the woman.

“I’ll put it on your eyes, then,” she said definitively, leaving no room for Dan to refuse. “If you hate it, it’s easy to take off,” she added, softer this time, as she pointed to a packet labeled makeup wipes. Dan nodded, letting her do as she pleased.

As he pleased.

Tonight’s interview wasn’t a now or never moment — there would be plenty of other opportunities to make the statements he wanted to make — but it felt just as heavy. This appearance, this interview on The Tonight Show, was his first deliberate appearance after coming out just two nights before. Big gestures, actions that spoke louder than words — those had always mattered to Dan. Deep in his gut, something about this moment — a moment when he knew the largest possible audience would be watching — was calling for a grand display, and he was determined to do it justice.

“Go on then,” Dan whispered, taking a deep breath and then closed his eyes.

The tickling sensation felt different on his eyelids, but it still made his skin prickle in the same pleasant way. It was gentler and far more precise than when Darcy had tried to do it, and some part of Dan — a part of himself that he didn’t fully understand — relished the soft caress of the brush.

Truth be told, he didn’t quite know what to make of the fact that he liked the makeup brush — and the makeup — so much.

He liked being a boy, that much he knew. He liked his body, he liked his identity. But he didn’t necessarily like the box that society tried to confine him with. There were some things, some things that were traditionally labeled as for girls, that he wanted to be able to embrace on occasion.

And as the soft bristles brushed glimmer powder across his skin, Dan knew this was a particular box he wanted to break out of every now and again.

The brush disappeared, and Dan started to open his eyes, but was interrupted by a fierce cry from the makeup artist. “Wait!” she exclaimed hurriedly. “I want you to get the full effect before you decide!”

Dan clamped his eyes shut again, inhaling another long breath. “Okay, just tell me what to do then.” Nerves and excitement both chewed at his stomach, fighting for dominance. At this point, he wasn’t sure which was going to win out. He just hoped this wonderful makeup artist was fucking magical and could give him the confidence to actually do this.

“Just keep your eyes shut,” she instructed. Dan huffed out his breath, keeping his eyes tightly shut. “Well, okay a little looser than that,” the makeup artist chuckled, her thumb lightly brushing over Dan’s eyelid.

Dan did his best to relax his face and let whatever was going to happen, happen. If worse came to worst, he could have her take it off.

The sweeping, soft tickle of the brush disappeared, and suddenly a more pointed, but not quite harsh, touch replaced it. The touch sweeped right alone his eyelid, just barely dipping out onto his temple. Late night youtube binges told him that this was probably eyeliner — and that it was probably some amount of a wing (a term he only knew after three consecutive hours of Manny MUA).

After just another drag of what felt like a pen, the makeup artist prompted, “You can open now.”

For once, Dan didn’t hesitate tonight. He knew whatever he saw, it’d probably be nice. Even if he didn’t want to wear it on television, he’d interacted with this girl long enough to trust that whatever she had done was at least worthy of a private selfie before he had her remove it.

But when Dan opened his eyes, he was greeted with the lightest, gentlest glow on his eyelids, and eyeliner that was just this side of dramatic. It wasn’t wings, not in the way he’d seen on youtube binges. But it also wasn’t just eyeliner accentuating the natural line of his eye. The eyeliner stretched out from the corner of his eye, just a hair, forming into a subtle point — nothing large enough to be truly loud, but enough to be definitively there.

Dan opened his mouth to say something, but the words got caught in his mouth. To his great annoyance, he felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes — tears he was determined to not let fall. With rough determination, he forced himself to swallow the lump in his throat, and cleared his voice before he tried to speak again.

“It’s great,” he murmured, his gaze never leaving his own eyes in the mirror. “Thanks.”

“Well let me put mascara on so you can get the full effect,” the woman said cheekily, waving a black tube in front of his face.

“Oh!” Dan gasped. Right — mascara. That was what had started this whole accidental makeup binge. “Go ahead, then,” Dan agreed.

He shifted his gaze up, prying his eyes open and forcing himself not to blink. The pull of the wand against his eyelashes was much more familiar — mascara was a pretty common part of stage makeup, a bit of makeup that was socially acceptable for guys to wear under certain conditions.

He loved that she was applying it after having put eyeshadow and eyeliner on.

“Okay, now tell me what you think.”

Dan’s eyes fluttered open again, appraising himself carefully in the mirror. The whole look seemed completed now that she’d added mascara. His eyes popped and his cheekbones seemed much more prominent than normal, the light reflecting off them more than usual. It wasn’t anything too radically different from how he normally looked, but still. The makeup was very clearly present. It was exactly what he’d wanted.

“Thank you,” he murmured softly, his eyes staying fixed on his reflection.

“Here,” the artist said, nudging something hard into his bicep. “You should keep this.”

Dan broke his own gaze, his eyes flitting down to his arm. In the woman’s hand was the eyeshadow palette, the one that was filled with shimmery and matte monochrome powders.

“I — I couldn’t, that’s yours,” Dan stumbled in surprise.

“I want you to have it.” She offered him a kind smile and set the palette down in his lap. “I can tell you like the colors.” Knocking her shoulder against Dan’s, she smiled softly and held his gaze in the mirror.

“Still —” Dan started, not quite knowing where his rebuttal was going, just knowing he felt guilty about taking something that probably cost decent money from someone. He swallowed thickly, glancing from the artist to the palette and back up again. “I could buy my own or something.”

“I know,” she said softly, shrugging. Her eyes met his in the mirror, holding his gaze steadily. “But now you don’t have to go find the courage to do that right away. Have fun with it, see what you think.”

Dan stared down at the dozen shades of white, grey, and black, at a loss for how to use them. “I — I barely know what to do with eyeshadow, much less this many of them.” Dan sheepishly looked up at the woman, not feeling nearly worthy of such a gift.

“There are loads of youtube videos.” The woman chuckled as she dug around in her purse. “But here, take my card and we can have a little skype if you don’t know what to do.”

“Wow,” Dan mumbled, numbly reaching out for the card and blankly staring at the bold black letters spelling Sofia Ricci against the stark white background. “Okay, um, I might take you up on that.”

“Good,” Sofia said definitively. “Now about those nails.”

Dan’s eyes shot down to his hands at the completely random observation, his eyes raking over his still matte-silver fingertips. His brows furrowed as he tried to make sense of Sofia’s comment.

“What about them?” he huffed, borderline offended as he glanced back up at her.

“I noticed some of them were smudged, and I was going to offer some nail polish remover, but…” Sofia trailed off, her eyes flickering down to her bag.

“But what?” Dan pushed when she didn’t finish her thought, eyes narrowed.

Bending over, Sofia dug through her bag for a second before holding out a small bottle of black nail polish in front of Dan. “Well, I thought maybe I could add some little designs over the smudges instead?”

Their eyes met in the mirror and Dan felt his heart fucking swell at how kind and supportive Sofia looked. Half an hour ago, she had just been a random makeup woman. And twenty minutes ago, she’d been offering to dress him up like Gerard Way à la 2006. But since then, she’d morphed into a supportive ally, someone who seemed to genuinely encourage Dan’s interest in all of… this.

“Hearts,” Dan said decisively, placing his hands on the table with purpose.

Sofia’s expression softened, a smile hinting at her lips. “Sure thing,” she assured as she unscrewed the black bottle with an air of confidence. Silently, she dipped a toothpick into the polish and gestured for Dan’s hand. Gently but confidently, she spread his fingers against the counter and began dotting the toothpick with intense concentration.

Somehow, the resolute attention that Sofia was giving to Dan’s nails was wildly different from the manicurist that Dan had occasionally gone to over the last few years. Sofia knew she was prepping Dan to go out in front of a massive public audience, Sofia was painstakingly painting delicate designs on Dan’s nails, Sofia was gently pushing Dan to be as authentic as he felt comfortable being.

Dan forced himself to look anywhere but his nails while Sofia worked. The whole nail polish thing — or at least wearing it in public — was new enough that it was still nerve-wracking, but he could still recall how lovely his nails had looked after the manicurist finished them earlier this week.

And he could perfectly remember the reverent look on Phil’s face when he’d noticed.

Sofia painted in silence for a few minutes, working her way through Dan’s entire right hand before she spoke again. The sound of her voice startled Dan enough that he glanced over at her.

“So,” she started tentatively. “I feel like I should confess that I saw your instagram post.”

Dan froze. “Oh,” he said, the one syllable coming out tight and short.

“I really liked it,” Sofia added softly, sounding far more tentative than she had since they’d been introduced.

Dread washed over Dan as he slowly began to process the meaning behind Sofia’s words — she clearly followed him on Instagram. She was probably a fan. In his experience, no secrets were safe with fans — that’s why he’d always had pretty much anyone he let close sign an NDA.

He hadn’t even hesitated with Sofia, though — and that was about to be his downfall. His interest in makeup was probably destined to be broadcasted all over the covers of the tabloids by this time tomorrow.

Frozen, Dan stared at himself in the mirror, unable to properly look at Sofia. Unfortunately, this meant he was forced to watch the way horror and fear flooded his own eyes. The terror was plainly written on his face, and it was impossible for Sofia not to notice it, too.

“Fuck — I mean, uh, frick, I mean —” Sofia stopped her dotting of his nails, instead looking up at him like a deer in headlights.

The expression was so startled, so genuine, that a little bit of Dan’s fears ebbed away. She looked so genuinely taken aback, so honestly scared of Dan’s reaction to what she’d said, that Dan couldn’t help but question if his worries were misplaced.

“Cursing is fine Sofia,” Dan assured her, his voice tighter than he wanted it to be. He drug his tongue along his bottom lip, trying to decide how much he wanted to allow. His eyes flickered to the eyeshadow palette and then to the business card on the table. He decided to take a leap of faith. “Just say whatever you want to say.”

“Right,” Sofia mumbled and flushed red, clearly embarrassed. “I just meant, I liked it… like, as a fan, it was good to see, but…” Her eyes didn’t quite meet Dan’s as she trailed off.

“...But?” Dan prompted, heart racing.

“But, as a fellow bisexual, it was the best post I’ve seen all year.”

“Oh,” Dan breathed, blinking rapidly in surprise. “I — I…”

Suddenly words seemed impossible to Dan — something that wasn’t exactly great since he was supposed to be talking about this very topic on national television in less than an hour. But he had hardly expected his makeup artist to broach this conversation with him (and he definitely hadn’t expected to ask for fucking eyeshadow from her).

“Sorry, I made it weird,” Sofia apologized, her gaze dropping back to her hands as she started steadily dotting another heart on Dan’s nails.

“No!” Dan exclaimed more forcefully than intended. “I mean, no,” he corrected, voice softer this time. “It’s not weird.”

Peeking up from Dan’s nails, Sofia caught his gaze in the mirror. “It’s not?”

“No. I — I didn’t realize until I came out how little bisexual representation there was out there.” Dan’s gaze flickered from Sofia’s gaze to his nails as he contemplated the decision he was making — the decision he’d technically already made. But with every word, the decision felt like more and more of an active choice. “And now… well, it doesn’t seem fair for us to keep being alone.”

“Thank you,” Sofia said softly, a hint of disbelief in her voice that Dan so desperately wished didn’t have to be there. That doubt wouldn’t exist if more people spoke up, if more people were authentic and tried to live their truth. “From all of us. It’s hard not seeing people like ourselves in the media, so what you’re doing… it means a lot.”

“Every listener I have is going to know that bisexuality is a real thing if I can help it,” Dan asserted, voice fierce for the first time that night.

“That’s the spirit,” Sofia whispered conspiratorially.

Dan nodded once, not saying anything else.

Of all the conversations he’d imagined having just before filming The Tonight Show, this certainly wasn’t one of them. But now that it had happened, it felt exactly like the conversation he’d needed — a conversation to remind him why he was so passionate about professing his bisexuality. Passion that stemmed from somewhere deeper, somewhere more important that Isabella’s whiny slander.

a/n2: look i was gonna have the interview in this chapter but i got fucking excited and carried away, okay? 

[dearericbittle]

but that’s just a first impression (I could be totally wrong) - Sterek 1/1

Summary: Derek is on a really awful blind date (Laura will pay for this). But the waiter is really cute.

(Also on AO3)

This was not the first time that his family had set him up, but it was definitely going to be the last. After this guy, Laura was never going to be allowed to even think of forcing him to meet anyone.

They only just got to the restaurant and Derek was already over it – and thinking seriously about injuring himself to get away. He was a werewolf, he’d heal, but his date was not in the know and he did not look like he possessed enough empathy to take Derek to a hospital. It made it more likely he’d leave Derek alone to seek medical attention that he didn’t need – the perfect escape.

So far, the guy had already tried to grope him three separate times, barely taking his hands off before Derek was tempted to let his claws out. He’d been a douche to the hostess, a perfectly lovely girl, albeit a little nervous on her first night on the job. And now he was talking about his fucking car again – a Porsche, because clearly he was compensating for something.

Derek was ready to stab himself with the shrimp fork.

Also, who would take a first date to such an embarrassing and stuffy restaurant? Did this guy really think that Derek would be impressed enough to get naked because of it?

“Good evening, gentlemen,” the waiter showed up.

Ugh, Derek didn’t want to look up from his menu long enough to get a glimpse of his date, because then he’d have to acknowledge that this was actually happening. Not even his most impressive resting bitchface with his most severe murder brows had deterred this guy from getting inappropriately close on the car ride over there.

And it didn’t stop him from hating on the Camaro.

“Finally,” the douche was an asshole to any and all waitstaff as well – another deal breaker. “I thought I might die of starvation before we got some actual service here.”

That earned him a serious glare from Derek, that the worst date ever didn’t even notice because he was too busy treating the server like complete shit.

The server with golden eyes and an impish tilt to his nose, the one who smelled vaguely of cinnamon and sugar. The man he could have sworn he’d seen somewhere before, but he didn’t display any signs of him being familiar with Derek.

That was going to bother him until he’d figured it out.

“I apologize you had to wait longer than you’d been expecting,” the server looked vaguely bored with the conversation – Derek could relate. “Can I get you anything to drink while you peruse the menu? If you’ve already made your choice, I can take your order.”

Normally, Derek would suggest alcohol, and lots of it, but he drove the asshole – and because the guy did not actually know Derek wouldn’t be able to get drunk off a couple glasses of wine, he had to play human and stay sober.

“Are you trying to rush us out?”

“I’d like some water, thanks,” Derek completely ignored his date and just addressed the server directly. “What would you recommend?”

It wasn’t just that he did not want to interact with his date, but also that he still had not figured out how he knew this waiter. Maybe if he talked more, he would put the pieces together.

“You look like a carnivore to me,” the guy actually winked at him, briefly forming a claw with his left hand. “So I think you would appreciate our pork tenderloin or the steak. Rare, of course. Or the rabbit.” Another wink, without the gesture this time. “We have a lovely beef stew that pairs well with our house red. But my personal favorite appetizer is the sausage-stuffed pepper poppers. And not just because it’s wonderful to say. I pair it with our signature cocktail – which we can serve for you in a virgin version as well.”

Who was this guy and how did he know? The claws, the jokes about rabbits and rare stick (which really was a personal favorite of his)… The mystery was the most interesting thing about the date so far.

“I will take your suggestion,” Derek let his eyes glow briefly, easily written off as a trick of the light. “And that virgin cocktail. I’ll take the steak. Rare.”

When the waiter did not flinch at that, reacting to his electric blue eyes as if he’d seen it all before, Derek almost gaped at him. Even those in the know would react to a blue-eyed werewolf with fear and disdain. He’d gotten used to it, but he’d never liked it.

“I’ll tell the kitchen,” the server – Derek really wanted his name – nodded solemnly, a hint of a grin on his face. “And you sir, have you made a decision?”

Oh right, there was someone else at the table. Derek had been this close to forgetting, and now he was forcefully reminded that he’d have to spend the rest of the night with this guy.

“What are your low-carb options?” His date was looking worse by the second.

Derek barely held back a groan, because he was an asshole. He was judgmental about these model type guys eating hardly anything, or watching their weight because of some fad diet. Sure, as a werewolf he never had to worry about his weight or his metabolism, but it was just another thing where they were as far from a match as they could be. The guy was probably a vegetarian too.

He was going to murder Laura for this.

As the waiter painstakingly went through the many dishes on the menu, his fake smile never faltering, Derek tried to surreptitiously take another sniff of him. Processed sugars normally made him sneeze, but there was something about this guy that made it work.

Somehow he completely failed at being surreptitious, because the server wiggled his cute nose at Derek without pausing his speech about the fresh vegetables used in the pear and goat cheese salad.

How was he doing this? How could he tell?

He was spending so much time thinking about his server that he completely missed whatever stupid thing his date ordered, only tuning back in for a crack about not everyone having a body to maintain (making the waiter flinch at the judgment and Derek prepare to roar out his disapproval).

“If you need anything else, just ask for Stiles,” the server – Stiles? – nodded before departing with a fake customer service smile. “Your drinks will be right with you.”

“What the hell kind of name is Stiles?”

Honestly, the shrimp fork was looking more and more appealing by the minute. Stiles would help him escape, he was sure of it.

By the time Stiles brought out the main course, Derek was tempted to ask the server to run away with him. The food was delicious, but the company continued to be awful and Stiles’ subtle digs at his date were the only reason for Derek to stick around.

That and all of the favors that Laura would owe him after this. Where did she even meet an asshole like this? She’d probably told him, but he hadn’t really been listening. Which is also why he wouldn’t be able to tell anyone his date’s name even if someone held a gun to his head.

He assumed that the asshole was one of the people Laura had gotten in touch with at the DA’s office. And if he’d go out on a date if Laura asked, he couldn’t be one of the people she put behind bars, or someone she beat. Because those guys hated her.

Because she was better than all of them combined. But he could never tell her that – that was the sibling rule.

Digging into his food, he almost let out a moan at the perfect flavor of the steak. And it was perfectly cooked – rare enough for him to really enjoy it, but not rare enough to make it look and taste like he was eating raw meat.

Perhaps someone on staff was a werewolf?

There was a small piece of paper carelessly dropped next to his plate. The second his date was otherwise occupied – probably by his own reflection – he folded it open and had to hide an actual laugh threatening to escape from his mouth.

I spit in the salad

Sorry not sorry

It was awful, but it was also surprisingly charming. The handwriting was terrible, almost illegible with the way that the letters all crowded together and some of them slanted weirdly to the left – but the words were still easy enough to make out for Derek. He could almost hear Stiles’ voice wrapping around the words, as if he’d spoken them aloud.

There was no way he couldn’t respond, awkwardly hiding his hands as he wrote on an old receipt in the pocket of his slightly too tight jacket.

I’m sure the saliva really brings out the flavor in that lettuce

He took advantage of his werewolf speed to shove the note in Stiles’ pocket as he passed the table, holding the empty plates of the lovely couple occupying the table next to them.

It took a minute, but then he heard laughter coming from the kitchen, and he knew a pleased grin had made it on to his own face. He really hoped that his date didn’t think it had anything to do with him.

At some point his date would have to talk himself out, right? Because Derek hadn’t said more than two words to him since Stiles delivered the entrees and still the guy was talking (about himself). Derek was happy not to make conversation, but if the guy’s foot moved up his leg one more time, he was accidentally going to break it.

Only it really would not be an accident.

When Stiles came by to ask about dessert, Derek was ready to call it a night, no matter how much he’d love to continue flirting with Stiles. Passing notes like they were in high school, shooting smiles and flirtatious looks without the asshole noticing.

Fuck, Derek still couldn’t remember his name.

“How about we take dessert home?”

Wait, the douche still thought that this date was going well? Even when Derek hadn’t responded to any of his overtures? Even though Derek didn’t respond to a single thing he said and didn’t speak to him unless asked? Even though Derek forgot his damn name?

“How about I drop you off at your place,” Derek was tired of holding back, “and I go back here to get my own dessert. All. By. Myself.”

He hadn’t had a chance to look at the dessert menu, and his sweet tooth was sort of an open secret to his pack. And maybe he could have sucked it up a little while longer, but the implication that Derek would go home with this guy just because he bothered to took him out to a fancy dinner? That was more than enough to have him refuse outright.

“All those in favor say aye,” Stiles muttered under his breath, trying to distance himself from the awkward proceedings.

Shit, he really couldn’t put Stiles in the middle of this, because he didn’t want him to risk his job. Anything less than kind he did or said to this douche would naturally have the asshole calling for his job. Because God forbid people had opinions about him that were less than complete awe of his existence.

Why the hell did Laura think Derek would want to go on a date with a guy like that?

“We’ll take the check,” Derek spoke decisively. “Thank you.”

Sure, his date protested at that, and rather loudly at first, until he realized that he was drawing attention to himself. Guys like this never wanted to be seen as less than perfect – and a rejection from his date? That would be less than perfect.

Ugh – he was probably going to try and convince Derek when they were alone. He was not looking forward to that.

The asshole didn’t leave a tip, even though he did pick up the bill – it was his idea, so Derek thought it was only right. Though he did grab his wallet to leave a proper tip, shooting a kind smile to the insecure hostess on his way out.

As he expected, only painful honesty got the asshole out of the Camaro with Derek’s metaphorical virtue still in tact. He was still going to take a long shower to wash the scent off him, but first he was going to go back for dessert. Two desserts maybe.

He was going to leave this part out of the story he was telling Laura. She did not need any extra ammunition to make fun of him – as his older sister, she had a lifetime’s worth.

“You came back,” it almost seemed like Stiles was waiting for him.

“I couldn’t leave without dessert,” he shrugged, like the awkward shit he was.

Because he did leave, no matter how briefly – he had to drive the douche home. But he wasn’t going to leave Stiles before he’d gotten a chance to talk to him, to at least try and figure out what he knew and if he could grin at Derek some more.

If that didn’t make him a creep who hit on someone at their job, which was probably up there on the list of asshole things to do.

“You are in for a treat,” Stiles’ smirk promised only great things – some of them slightly dirty.

Or was that wishful thinking?

Still, Stiles did not take his order before he walked away. Which meant that he probably had some kind of plan to surprise Derek with a nice dessert – he could never argue with a plan like that.

He could trust Stiles to pick something good for him.

It was awkward sitting at the table by himself, with people giving him pitying looks like he’d been stood up by a date – instead of kicking his date out of his car and coming back to flirt with the cute waiter some more. And get dessert. But mostly that first bit.

When the scent of cinnamon and sugar got even stronger than it was before, he looked away from the snooty old couple he’d been glaring at. Stiles was grinning as he placed a perfect cake in front of Derek.

The reason for the grin quickly became obvious.

I WIN

YOU LOSE

The writing was in a hideous shade of pink, the shade Laura always claimed was no one’s color but Barbie’s. But she always enjoyed defacing his property with a pink pen, because that was what older sisters were for.

His sister was actually the worst.

“I won! You lose, baby brother.”

His sister was actually here, digging into the cake with relish as her eyes flared red ever so briefly, just to stick it to him even more.

“You won what?” Derek had to roll his eyes at her. “The competition for worst blind date you’ve ever sent me on?”

And that is a pretty high bar, so far. After setting him up with Jennifer, who ended up trying to magic him for some reason, he had all the rights to complain. Though Jennifer was a pretty good date until she tried to manipulating into killing her ex-girlfriend.

“I feel like I should be offended,” Stiles was still there, taking a seat next to Derek for no apparent reason.

What the hell was going on here? There was no way that he minded Stiles sitting with him, the guy could sit in his lap and Derek would be happy. But still – Laura’s plans always ended in some kind of humiliation, and apparently she hadn’t had her fill after that awful guy.

“Jackson was my intern,” Laura has frosting on her face, but she doesn’t seem to care. “I told him I’d finally let him take on a proper case if he was the worst date ever. That way you’d be too annoyed to ignore your actual date. My good friend Stiles here.”

Jackson! That was his name!

“You always dismiss these dates before you even bother getting to know them,” Laura continued her speech, because she always did love a speech, “and I’ve known for ages that you and Stiles would hit it off.”

Derek really wanted to be mad at his sister, because the whole manipulation deal was not okay, not ever. And she knew it, and would probably apologize for it in time, once she was done gloating about it.

“Because I’m adorable,” Stiles nodded seriously.

But also, that. He did like Stiles, right away. And if Laura had introduced Stiles as his blind date, he probably would have found an excuse to hate him, right away.

“How about you go eat your victory cake elsewhere?” Stiles proposed. “And your hot like burning brother and I can discuss this without your interference.”

For once, Laura listened to someone other than herself – which was impressive. And the way Stiles just grabbed him the second Laura’s back was turned was even more impressive, especially when Stiles told him that Laura would have to pay for that cake.

Stiles clocked out and unbuttoned his tie, thoroughly distracting Derek.

By the time Laura finished the cake and paid, they were steaming up the windows of the Camaro.

Laura never did have to set him up after that.

[diabetese009]

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11 ways to start reversing type 2 diabetes today

by Dr Rangan Chatterjee / November 11, 2015

Whether you have a diagnosis of type 2 diabetes or or you’ve been told you’re at risk, read on for 11 ways to start reversing the effects immediately.

Type 2 diabetes is reaching epidemic proportions. There are 3.9 million people living with diabetes – 90 per cent those of being affected by type 2 diabetes. Here’s another shocking statistic: 1 in 3 UK adults has prediabetes, the condition that precedes diabetes.

As you’ll soon see on BBC One’s Doctor in the House, it is entirely possible to both prevent as well as reverse type 2 diabetes. Unfortunately, a lot of the advice that is given for the condition is, in my opinion, unhelpful and misguided. Most people think of it as a blood sugar problem but this is the ultimate effect rather than the cause.

WHAT IS TYPE 2 DIABETES?

Type 2 diabetes is a condition that is characterised by chronically elevated blood sugar levels. However, the main cause as well as the driver for this condition is something called Insulin Resistance. When you eat certain foods, particularly refined carbohydrates, that food is converted to sugar inside your body. Your body’s way of dealing with this sugar is to produce a hormone called insulin. Insulin moves the sugar inside your cells so that it can be used for energy. Sounds great, right?

Well, yes and no. When working efficiently, this is a fantastic system that helps your body to function well. But when you have type 2 diabetes, prediabetes or significant abdominal obesity, that system does not work so well.

Eating too many refined carbohydrates elevates your insulin levels for long periods of time and your cells start to become resistant to the effects of insulin. Think of this a bit like alcohol. When you start to drink, a single glass of wine can make you feel drunk. Once your body becomes accustomed to drinking, you need more and more alcohol to achieve the same effect. This is what happens in diabetes. You need more and more insulin to do the same thing. The problem is that too much insulin is toxic to the body.

WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF RAISED INSULIN LEVELS?

It causes water and salt retention, which causes raised blood pressure

You become at risk of atherosclerosis (“furring of arteries”), which can lead to heart attacks

Raised insulin levels increases VLDL (very low density lipoprotein), a type of blood fat and one of the “bad” forms of cholesterol

Can drive the growth of certain cancer cells

In women, it can cause the ovaries to produce more testosterone, which is associated with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

Significantly increases your risk of getting type 2 diabetes

The only way to effectively reverse type 2 diabetes (or even pre-diabetes) is to deal with the underlying cause – Insulin Resistance. Trying to address the blood sugar levels (with medication) without addressing the insulin levels is treating the symptoms, not treating the root cause. It is similar to using a bucket to remove water from an overflowing sink rather than actually turning off the tap!

The most important thing to do is to stop adding fuel to the fire. If Insulin Resistance is driving the condition, you need to firstly stop consuming foods that increase insulin production. Secondly, you need to make some lifestyle changes so that you can become sensitive to insulin once again

SO, WHAT FOODS INCREASE INSULIN PRODUCTION

All carbohydrates – to some degree at least – will raise your blood insulin levels. That is why I consider type 2 diabetes a form of “carbohydrate intolerance”. Protein can also raise levels but to a much lesser degree. The only macronutrient that keeps your insulin levels and, therefore, your blood sugar stable is FAT! Therefore, if you are trying to reduce insulin levels, you need to reduce your amount of certain carbohydrates and replace them instead with healthy, natural fats.

What does that mean in terms of actual FOOD CHOICES though?

When I say healthy, natural fat – think nuts and seeds, avocados, omega 3 fats (found in almonds, flax seed and cold water fish, like wild salmon, herring, mackerel and tuna), extra virgin olive oil and whole eggs.

And when I talk about reducing certain carbohydrates, I mainly mean reducing your intake of refined carbohydrates such as pasta, rice and bread. Non starchy vegetables (such as broccoli, cabbage and cauliflower) are fine and can be eaten in abundance. Many fruits are packed with carbohydrates, so if you’re trying to reduce your carb intake, try and limit your intake to low-carb fruit, such as rhubarb, watermelon, berries, peaches and blackberries.

It is really important to say that I do not believe that there is one perfect diet for everyone. Different people respond to different diets.

However, if you have a diagnosis of type 2 diabetes or if you have been told you are at high risk or if you have significant abdominal obesity, here are 11 ways to start reversing the effects immediately:

Avoid ALL refined carbohydrates. That means no pasta, rice or bread (even wholegrain bread will spike your insulin)

Avoid ALL added sugar. If your body is already in a state where you cannot process carbohydrates and sugars properly, you are going to have to take steps to fully eliminate all sugars, at least in the short term.

Avoid ALL sweet drinks. It is best to stick to water, tea, coffee.

Do not be scared of good quality, healthy, natural fat – avocados, olives, almonds etc. Don’t worry about this causing you to put on weight. A study published in 2003 showed that people who supplemented their diet with almonds lost more weight than those who supplemented with so-called “healthy, complex carbs”

Do not waste your energy counting calories. Concentrate on the quality of the food that you are eating and the calorie control will take care of itself.

FEED YOUR GUT BUGS, not just yourself. There are trillions of bugs that live in your gut – their health is critical in determining your health. Many studiesshow links between the state of your gut bugs (your microbiota) and type 2 diabetes. Start improving the health of your gut immediately by eating five servings of different coloured vegetables each day. The non digestible fibre in vegetables is the preferred food for your gut bacteria and when your gut bugs are happy, you will be happy. The wider the variety of colours, the more phytonutrients you will be getting.

Do my 5 minute kitchen workout once a day. This could be before breakfast, lunch or dinner – whatever works for you.

If you like to snack, keep some high fat healthy snacks with you, such as olives, nuts or hummus. When you snack on refined carbohydrates such as biscuits, you go on a blood sugar rollercoaster that results in you feeling hungry shortly after. Fats, on the other hand, will keep you fuller for longer.

Include high quality protein and fat with EVERY single meal. This helps to stabilise your blood sugars and promotes satiety and fullness, making it less likely that you will want to reach for dessert after your meal.

Eat your meals sitting down at a table. Eating on the sofa while watching TV encourages a mindless form of eating – this can lead you to eat higher quantities than you otherwise would. If you sit at a table and concentrate on what you’re eating, you are more likely to enjoy your food, feel satisfied at the end of your meal and eat less.

Consider a form of regular fasting (more to come in a later blog), such as intermittent fasting or time-restricted feeding (TRF). TRF means eating your calories during a specific window of the day, and choosing not to eat food for the rest. It’s a great way to reduce insulin levels in your body and help undo the effects of chronically elevated levels.

As always, I’m here to answer any questions, so please get in touch via Facebookand Twitter if you’d like to chat.

— Dr Chatterjee

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DISCLAIMER: The content in this blog is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog or on this website.

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[temperkitten7-blog]

'Intermittent fasting helped me lose 90 pounds'

© Courtney Montgomery Growing up, Courtney Montgomery was active, but not healthy-but after ditching the fast food and soda (and picking up intermittent fasting), she ended up losing 90 pounds. Growing up, I was an active kid-but that doesn't mean I was healthy. I wasn't necessarily obese, but I was what I'd call thick, which made me seriously struggle with body image.

I'd eat traditional southern cornbread and drink sweet tea (and opting for fast food in between), but I felt like my lifestyle worked well enough for me-until I contracted a rare (but temporary) illness that damaged the nerves in my leg. My condition made it impossible to walk, much less exercise.

The pounds piled on quickly after that-add in the fact that I had two kids during that time period, and at 25 years old and 220 pounds, I barely recognized my body.

My turning point came one day when I looked in the mirror and actually said out loud, 'Girl, what the heck are you doing to yourself?'

It's not just that I didn't recognize myself in the mirror-it's that I didn't feel like myself, either. I'm a dancer, so I couldn't move the way I wanted to or do half of the things I used to-and the fact that I was responsible for my own poor health made it even worse.

One of the first realizations I had when I decided to lose weight was that I was going to have to ditch the idea of the food pyramid (turns out that carb-based comfort food is about as far from healthy as you can get).

I started by cutting out fast food-which meant cooking more at home.

I ditched Starbucks, too, as well as any sweets; instead, I focused on real, whole foods-chicken, vegetables, whole grains. I also cut out soda and focused mainly on water (making an exception for the occasional mimosa).

After a few months of that, I stopped drinking alcohol, along with dairy, and shortly after that, I started intermittent fasting (a.k.a., eating during a specific eight-hour period, and fasting for the remaining 16 hours). Currently, I follow a vegetarian and dairy-free diet-here's what a typical day of eating looks like for me:

Morning: Since I'm fasting, I'll usually just have water, Arbone fizz sticks, or tea.

Meal 1: I break my fast at noon with a protein smoothie bowl or avocado toast with poached eggs.

Snack: Hardboiled eggs with cajun seasoning sprinkled on top is a go-to.

Meal 2: I'll have something like black bean patties and steamed vegetables.

Snack: Peanut butter and apple slices-I typically begin fasting at 8 p.m. each night.

After changing my diet, I also discovered my first fitness crush: cycling.

Spin class was perfect for me because the room was dark, so nobody could see me. Being so overweight, I felt way more comfortable sitting on a bike in a dark room where I didn’t really have to move, just pedal.

At first, it was hard enough just to do that (I'd even fake turning the knob when the instructor told us to add resistance). But, when I kept coming back week after week, I started to see my body transform as I got stronger.

Over the next few years, I discovered many more group fitness classes I loved-dancing, yoga, barre, and kettlebells, just to name a few-and realized I had a passion for fitness. I decided to start teaching my own classes at a local gym.

Even though I was eating right and exercising, losing weight still didn't come easily.

My weight loss wasn't fast-I was dropping pounds steadily but very slowly. Dealing with this was the hardest part, and trying to find the motivation to keep going when my patience was wearing thin was so difficult.

But the more I exercised and ate right, the better I felt, and I finally realized that I didn't have to lose five pounds a week to be improving my health (and in fact, it was probably better that I wasn't!). It took me three years, but by 2015, I had lost 90 pounds.

I was even surprised to discover that the place I'd once been deathly afraid of-the gym-had become my happy place! Eventually, I got my personal training certification and started working in gyms full time. I even met my husband at a gym!

Still, I'll never forget how it felt being that young, overweight girl who was intimated by the gym and didn't know anything about nutrition. I always look around for others who are feeling that same way and try to be a support system for them. My life’s mission is to help people believe in themselves and their goals, like I learned to believe in myself.

Oh, and I still have sweet tea and cornbread sometimes-you can take the girl out of Mississippi, but you can't take the delicious Southern food away from the girl. It's just that now it's the occasional splurge instead of my standard dinner.

Source: https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/voices/intermittent-fasting-helped-me-lost-90-pounds/ar-BBQjCex?srcref=rss

[swearronchanel]

Who let me watch 5.06?

I should be doing an assignment that’s due tomorrow but ya know due tomorrow means do tomorrow. Lol I know I should be ashamed to be a procrastinator but university has ruined me anyway. I’m tired from literally going to one lecture haha, but in any event I’ve been rewatching mad men for the who knows what time but I thought I’d take a break from all that and watch an episode of CtM & @flyingnonny inspired me to do a reaction post so why not? I decided on 5.06 since last Sunday’s episode reminded us of that camping trip 😂😂  here goes nothing.. 

*skips intro bc I’m impatient*

Cute community moment ☺️

TRIXIE😍 slaying my life

Shelagh looks so good too 😍 and Angela melting my heart!

Why is shelagh forever wearing cardigans? I like cardigans every now and then but all the time, really?

Everyone is sitting outside, Trixie is in a sleeveless dress, as is Barbara, so it has to be warm?? take it off Shelagh

She’s still my bby though even if I don’t always agree with her fashion choices

what gross vejo pinching Trixie’s ass? That’s not ok

And Babs too lmao, creepy old man, die

Shelagh saying “hello dear” aw

But this is like the only interaction between Shelagh and Trixie & that does not suffice !!

ALL I WANT IS FOR THEM TO HAVE AN ACTUAL FRIENDSHIP IDC HOW MANY TIMES IVE SAID IT I REALLY Want it😭😭💕💕 my two fav bbys

I HAVE EVEN GIVEN REASONS WHY & I CAN GIVE THEM AGAIN ***        1) Why not?? Shelagh has like no real friends besides her husband and sort of Sister Julienne?                                                 

 2) just please, because I’m asking nicely                                                     3) When Shelagh was Sister Bernadette she was often friendly/ in the gossip and conversation with the nurses & remember that one time Trixie grabbed her to come listen to Jenny’s phone conversation?               

4) Trixie was the only one besides Sister Julienne to visit her in the sanatorium. That has to count for something!                                             5) They’ve both been on the show since day 1 & have known each other the longest (besides the nuns) why wouldn’t they be friends or least actually speak to each other?

Aye this is the lady who’s fake pregnant

Shelagh wearing earrings though >> here for it

Sorry there will be a lot of gushing over Shelagh and Trixie

And also I WANT TRIXIE’S HOOP EARRINGS SO BAD, where can I find them??

And how do I get her clothes and figure and her everything lol?

PHYLLIS ! My champion

“Would it have killed you to sit down for five minutes and eat the whole thing!” I LOVE HER, SHE IS A GEM, A HERO, A BADASS & IM NOT READY FOR SUNDAY. IM GOING TO BAWL WITH AND FOR HER

she deserves the best

I think this is the only time I’ve ever heard Trixie address Shelagh by her first name?? a prob.

They need to interact more 😭💔💕😍 I will stop saying it when I’m dead even then I’ll prob say it

Actually when I think of it no one ever calls Shelagh by her first name besides obviously Patrick? And Sister Julienne

#MoreShelaghAndTheOtherNursesInteracting2k17aka1962

And I need at least two seconds of them dotting on pregnant Shelagh

Helen looks so good like goals

“I threatened to put one man over my knee but that only encouraged him” HA IM DEAD NO KINK SHAME

I think there’s been a similar joke before but fuck it it’s still funny to me

But seriously everyone loves Trixie lol how could you not though?

Hey Pats, it’s been a while

Lol omg Tim in that uniform.. Not the best costume 😂😂

Never seen Whistle Down the Wind

But you see, Tom and Babs making out as usual, I’m not knocking it lol but this is why Sister J told her to chill when they went to South Africa😂

also lowkey jealous bc Jack Ashton is handsome af and that could’ve been me but it’s all good. He and Helen are adorable together and I’m here for it x10000

Omg I forgot this lady got assaulted

Oh shit I just remembered this is the episode where sister MC is attacked FUCK WHY DID I WATCH THIS

she can’t report it bc she’d get arrested for soliciting wtf

But remember Shelagh wore the headbands in like series 3 (so glad she stopped I was not here for it)? They must’ve gave them to Babs lol

I forgot Trixie didn’t tell the nurses about AA yet

But she looks gorgeous as ever, even with her mascara running

Lowkey nauseas looking at all that fish ugh. Funny becuase they put a grocery store that has a fish market on the block up from where I live in NYC and I hate it  

I forgot about Peter lol and he was in an episode this series whoops

LIKE WHERE’S YOUR WIFE LOL, *I know, too busy for this, I don’t think she’d fit in the series anymore anyway*

Sister Mary Cynthia 😰❣️

Lol she doesn’t sing loud enough ??

Sister Julienne is so cute when she smiles but don’t forget she’s a badass

REMEMBER THE AGGRESSIVE JACKET FLAP BC OF THE IRRITATING SISTER URSULA

How did this girl hide her pregnancy though?

And did her brothers just not realize she was pregnant and the mother wasn’t?

Oh jeez my cousin was a colic-y baby and my parents kept him like 3 days a week when I was in high school & it was a nightmare. I didn’t sleep for so long

Dont get me wrong I love babies. But when they scream when I’m trying to sleep, nope. Return to sender.

Shelagh is so excited about camping it’s the purest and most adorable thing 😭😭And I like her shirt  

Shelagh made Tim copy the napkin folding from a magazine, SHE IS A GEM

“We never have serviettes on a weeknight” wtf did they just not use napkins every day? I’m confused Lmaoo. What am I missing here 😂omg that reminds me of one of the times my family and I went on a cruise (2006, hella long time ago already wow?? 11 yrs yikes) and my brother & cousin were late to dinner and lied to my mom & aunt saying they were at a “napkin folding class” & my family deadass believed it up until 2 years ago😂

Shelagh’s accent is so cute. I’ve said that many times but it’s so sweet. But again why do we just have to accept she’s Scottish with no context as to how/why she came to England? Like I’m sure there were convents in Scotland. I dont even care that much I just will forever be curious as to why it seems she had no life before she got married lol? Like they don’t ever bring up the fact she was a nun, but ok maybe she feels awkward talking about it but what about before? 

They’re so excited it’s so precious, protect this family 😂😭💕💕

Sister MJ is fasting lol I should try it😂

Omg another dumb story, I didn’t realize today is Ash Wednesday and was hella confused seeing some people with ash on their forehead 😂😂 I should give up something for lent but idk what, we shall see. My mom gave up carbs last year & I died bc I lived at home and ate what she cooked and almost all my fav foods are carbs😂

Shelagh referred to Patsy as Patsy, I’ve only ever heard her say Nurse Mount??

lol Tim you’re what 14? you know damn well those arent* bullet holes

at least he has some of his innocence still. I didn’t @ 14

Sometimes I forget I’m gonna be 19 this year wtf. I’ve accidentally told people I’m 16 before and had to correct myself 😂😂

Patrick is excited about this holiday, boy you don’t know what’s coming 😂

HE’S GONNA ATTACK THE LADY WITH A BABY I FORGOT THAT TOO WTF

I wanna fight him

Diane’s anemic ? Or her mum is just assuming

SHELAGH IN HER CAMPING OUTFIT!! The hair scarf and trousers !! I’m so here for it 😍😭

I want to see her in another pair!! yes lets get it 1962. Probably not likely this series but hopefully next series!! Ah can’t wait

Shit this series is almost over 💔💔 but omg 1963 gonna be lit as well?!

Like the space race started/orbiting the earth, Kennedy’s assassination .. wait never mind lol I’m thinking of American History moments. but still a lot of it was crazy world news so maybe it’s mentioned?? first bond film came out in'63, petition for Tim to go take Susan whatever from around the corner to see it since we know he liked the novels

Lots of famous films came out in ‘63 so there’s gotta be some reference.

Fun fact: I love pop culture references in period drama bc I’m lame jk I’m majoring in education (to teach history)

Old news but still relevant: Phyllis’s turn on: Rolodex systems 📇

“CRANE, as in the wading bird or industry lifting equipment, whichever you prefer” LOVE U PHYLLIS, YOU CORRECT HIM

PHYLLIS’S FACE WHEN GODFREY SUGGESTS SHE CAME OUT OF RETIREMENT, IM DEAD

“I shall consider retirement when I’m at the appropriate age”  IM LAUGHING SO HARD, FUCK YEA PHYLLIS. I LOVE HER SO MUCH, LINDA BASSET IS ON THE LIST WITH LAURA AND HELEN OF PEOPLE WHO COULD PUCH ME IN THE FACE AND I’D THANK

LOL SHELAGH JUST STANDING AWKWARDLY LISTENING TO THIS CONVERSATION

“Buenos vacaciones”  I NEED MORE PHYLLIS WORKING ON HER SPANISH I LOVE IT, Ella es oro.

lol the roof rack, bet it was Phyllis’s they borrowed when they moved

PHYLLIS’S FACE OF DISGUST WHEN DR GODFREY SMILES AT HER IS ME ALWAYS

LOL THE THE NURSES & SISTER WINIFRED DYING OVER PATRICK’S SHORTS (EVen though sister W “swears she’s not looking”)

I THINK THE SOCKS AND WHITE DAD SANDALS ARE MORE AMUSING 😂😂

Poor Judith💔

It’s a vicious attack Sister J! But you don’t know it yet so I get u

Here comes summer..😂

SETTING UP IN THE POURING RAIN LOL

Shelagh and Angela being adorable !!

Tim and Patrick proud that  they set the tents up & boom it falls 😂 which is symbolic for me taking exams, I think I did well or at least decent on them and then I find out I failed by like 5 points

Nonnatus table scenes <3 😭

”I’ve seen more dangerous marshmallow bunnies“ lmao Pats this is a serious moment I shouldn’t laugh

Shelagh took off her glasses 😉😏 but fr how is Laura Main so perfect

Patrick put scotch in its lit, pass it over😏

Lol Shelagh drinking is a strange thought but I’m so here for it. Nuns can’t drink right? Idk. Imagine her drinking alcohol for the first time and just getting drunk 😂 we know Patrick and Tim are lightweights getting drunk off one beer so I assume shelagh would too😂

Damn it Patrick, you spilled your cup. Furthermore proving you’re a disaster 😭

LMAO SHELAGH’s “WTF” FACE WHEN SHE ASKS PATRICK WHAT HE’S THINKING ABOUT AND HE SAID THE ULCER CLINIC

LIKE C'MON PATRICK YOU KNOW WHERE SHELAGH WAS TRYNA GO WITH THAT😂

“And if you don’t mind my saying so, you’re not exactly Cliff Richards yourself” SHELAGH 😂😂 another great line of hers, love it

I love their playful banter lol we need more of that 😂 but lets be real series 6 has had some of the greatest Shelagh and Patrick moments so I can’t complain 😭😍

Peter and Barbara is such a unusual dynamic haha

“How is chummy?” Wait does Babs even know Chummy? I don’t even remember if they met tbh

But for real Shelagh did you really think Patrick would just forget about work completely ??

Lol Angela crying because she is petrified of squirrels😂😂and Shelagh running to her is so cute.

Why didn’t she just get rid of the *creepy* squirrel nutkin book? it seemed like they still had it in series 6 haha

rice pudding is I think the same as aroz con leche, lol it’s gross sorry

Diane’s water broke oh shit

the Turners all in the tent playing I spy bc it’s raining haha

I went camping for the first and last time this past summer w/ my sister in laws & her friends, it was awful 😂😂 I got like 100 mosquito bites that became welts, i literally slept in the car the second night & it was mid July fairly south of east coast aka it was humid and sticky af , there were wild horses that walked around..Thank God they brought alcohol cause it was a nightmare I don’t wanna remember 😂😂

ANGELA IS SO CUTE UGH & ANOTHER GREAT SHELAGH FACE😂

lol yes go to a hotel, should’ve done that from the get

So what exactly does Fred run? some civil defense thing?

She’s in labor and can’t even scream omg, I’m screaming

“They are often incorrect in their opinion” Sister MJ is a gem. I want someone to look at me the way Sister MJ looks at cake and the television

Phyllis yelling at Dr Godfrey😂

PATS’S FACE OF DISGUST IS ALSO ME

HOW DO THESE WOMEN GIVE BIRTH STANDING/SITTING UP?? AHHHH

There you are Beatrix, it’s been a while

Patsy being suspicious with the card game line lol. but when is Trixie going to find out about Patsy and Delia?

SHE RIPPED OUT HER WOMB?! WTF OMG IM SCREAMING

THIS HURTS TO WATCH AHH

Trixie and Sister MC to the rescue but omg this is wild I forgot

Fred wtf you can’t be sneaking up like that

DONT LEAVE SISTER MC ALONE TRIXIE

NOO, IM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

“There are flowers on the table, and feathers in these pillows, that’s all the nature I need to get back to” I feel you Patrick lol, I like nature but not camping

Lol remember Shelagh’s old nightgown? ah I don’t miss it. The bri nylon is such a look™ & obviously has magically powers i.e this miraculous conception.

“..or they’ve been mulled to death by squirrels” IM DEAD HAHA THAT WAS A GOOD DAD JOKE, NICE ONE PATRICK

aw the baby is so precious

Why is the operating room/being in surgery called theatre in the U.K.?? and why is the doctor’s office/practice called the surgery? so many questions from a confused American..

Sister MC by the docks😭💔 she was just chillin with God and THIS HORRIBLE MAN RUINS EVERYTHING WTF UGH

Oh no

SISTER MC JUST UNCONSCIOUS ON THE DOCKS WTF IM CRYING WHY WOULD HURT HER

Patrick even if you were there she wouldn’t have called you, don’t blame urself

it’s not your arrogance sister MC!!

“don’t you even say the word fault, do you hear me, I won’t allow it” 😭💔 it’s NOT your fault sister MC 😰

I forgot how upset/hurt this episode makes me

“The worst thing is that I actually stopped to pray…” my heart hurts

You can’t even blame her for being angry😪

Judith you’re not a bad mother!! This isn’t your fault either

Sister MJ IN THE BATHROOM WITH HER😢😢💔💔 I’m c r y i n

I SAID PROTECT THEM AT ALL COSTS WHY DID THEY HURT ME LIKE THIS

Everyone so quiet at the table..

ILL FOREVER BE PROUD OF HOW BRAVE SISTER MC IS FOR SPEAKING UP FOR HER AND THE OTHER VICTIMS💖😭💔

Russian prison tats??

“I thought at first it was a test of faith, but it was a test of strength. I can bear more than I ever though I could and I can bear it for others because my strength is a gift, from him..” brb sobbing

I feel so bad for Mrs Hills bc I understand she thought she was doing the right thing and was trying to protect her daughter from the stigma & judgment from having a baby born outta wedlock 😭

But damn she almost killed her & now she can’t have any more kids

“I’m a mum, mum” Aw

lol I want children (obviously not anytime soon) but if I do Ima be shook for the rest of my life. Like my kids will  be like grown & I’ll still wake up like wtf I had them?  Lmaoo

SHELAGH’S GREY DRESS >>😍

Patrick jumping on the bed was cute lol

The Turners being cute and an unrealistically perfect family together as usual

Trixie 😍off to her AA💕

“I think it’s about time I came clean..”

Im so proud of her omg. She’s come so far in 6 series 😭💖💖😭

And Patsy and Delia are supportive yess👏🏼

“New truths were being spoken at Nonnatus house, but some remained concealed. While one voice rose, striving to erase its agony in song.”

Thanks Vanessa,, The End 😭

[totalfanfreak]

One of Three - Chapter 5

One of Three

Chapter 5 – Perchance to Dream 

 It was snowing, and Sera’s breath caught had as she watched from high in her apartment as it started to gather on the ground. Being from Florida, it did get cold in the winter, on a few occasions it had flurried, and she would open her mouth to catch the icy bits on her tongue. But this was something else entirely, the world was turning white outside, and it was going to continue for the next few days. The city was used to this, already salting roads and sidewalks, the news telling people to be prepared to shovel they’re drive and keep their vehicles out of the open unless they wanted to dig for it.

The schools have even bound ahead and canceled classes for Monday, anticipating lack of attendance for hindrance and, well, it was the first snow of the season. Sera was excited to play in it herself. She had always wanted to build a snow man, maybe make a snow angel, coming back in half frozen to drink hot cocoa. Better yet, hot cocoa mixed with coffee. She knew the weather was going to affect her though, the billowy winds shocking her as soon as she opened the outside doors proving that.

Going back to the living room, she thought the storm was a good metaphor to the last several weeks, a whirlwind. It felt her feel good that her life had taken such a turn. Sure she was still cautious and didn’t talk to many people. But she went out more with the people she did. She had went out to eat a few more times with Janine, even going out with her and Claudette, though the plans for that night had been orchestrated by Claudette and the three had ended up at a veteran’s hall playing bingo and sipping punch. But it had been fun, especially seeing the other girls flip out over winning a hula hoop and a pair of sunglasses. Among all that, things had been quiet, the killings taking a drop on the news. Not having to hear about another body washed up somewhere was a blessing she was grateful for.

Then there were the boys, who were much more persistent on getting her out of the apartment. They’d do everything from odds and ends like accompanying her to the market or taking a walk with her and Shep through the park. Sometimes they’d even surprise her by taking her to the movies or sitting on the edge of the wharf where the fishermen would pull in and dock. But usually they would come over and enjoy a meal with her, and just talk; all these things they would arrive unexpectedly, but she found herself liking that as well, the spontaneity. A few times dragging her out to go to the bar they frequented, a little Irish pub called McGinty’s. It was run by a sweet older man called Doc reminding her of the dwarf in Snow White with his glasses, figuring out immediately that he had a form of Tourette’s, she had slapped the boys when they had started messing with him about it.

“I stopped givin��� a –“

“Fuck!”

“When I saw ye layin’ on yer –“

“Ass!”

They thought it was hilarious and she gave a half crank blow to their heads leaving them stunned, while Doc had started cackling.

“It’s all right, lass, they do this ta me all de time. It’s all in fun, but I didn’t mind seein’ that.”

She had then been introduced to her first Guinness and their friend Rocco, the man who had helped find her.

“It’s not all that hard sweetheart, browse through some phone books and make a few calls, not as much work as these two make it seem. They’re both just too dimwitted and lazy to think of doing that on their own.”

The result of that had been handfuls of ice tossed and a headlock to the floor. It was nice, the beer and the events warming her from the inside, she enjoyed the carefree attitude around her. She knew the boys would be visiting her today; usually they would call her if they were a bit too drained from work just to check in with her. But when they didn’t they would pop up at her door. She believed they did that in the beginning so she couldn’t leave, or pretend she wasn’t there. Which she could anyway, but now it had become a system and she was fine with it. Clicking on another pot of coffee, she decided to make some supper for when Connor and Murphy did decide to show up.

She had already known that they had many childlike quirks, but taking them to the market with her that day, it was worse than having a team of screaming three year olds with her. They would find something like a pack of a certain pastry or cookie they would want, both having chosen a different flavor would bicker over which one to get. Sera had pointed out that they were old enough to get both of them if they wanted and it would appease them, until the next display of interest would come up and it would start all over. She could also tell they had a void of home cooked meals, greasy take out being their main food of choice. And when she went through the produce section, she would ask what they would like, holding up different greens they would turn their noses at.

But like three year olds, it wasn’t hard to trick them into eating them, she would cover it with a sauce or cheese and though if they found some spinach not chopped up enough they nibble the edge before sticking the whole thing in their mouths. She smiled, it was adorable in a way. Looking through her fridge, with some of the leftovers she had she came up with making a decent pizza for them both. They’d, of course, would want more meat on theirs, so she measured out enough to make two. Artichoke hearts, olives, chicken, beef, arugula, peppers – she had plenty to top off with putting in the dough to cook for a little while she simmered some tomatoes on the stove, chopping everything else up as she waited.

She was far from being any type of gourmet, but she had spent enough time in the kitchen when one of her parents was cooking, as well as two grandmothers that bled chicken broth so she knew a good amount of how to get by. She pulled the crusts out, layering them with the chunky sauce, piling on the various toppings, making sure one had more cheese and meat than the other. The smell of sauce and carbs had filled up the room, making her forget her coffee when a huge yawn raked through her.

Pouring a mug she put her face into it to breathe the aroma in. She hadn’t slept in about two days now. And with the grogginess from the gray clouds outside and the lack of sleep left her in a fatigued stupor. It was the nightmares, sometimes they would ebb off, letting her have nights of blank slumber, but for many nights now all that was put in her mind was Selene’s horror filled eyes as blood ran down her throat, going back to her mom tied to a table, her slender body exposed an slashed to pieces, the last going to her dad, hands bound behind his back and strung high by his neck in the trees.

No, she didn’t want to relive any of that any more than she had to, so giving up one of her favorite pastimes, she did her best to stay awake. Her knuckles brushed her cheeks, an unconscious act, something her father did as he told her goodnight. Sapph put so much blame on him, and in the beginning so had she. But, with time, the anger slowly dissolved trying to see from his perspective that her dad tried to do right at the end.

He had been a judge, a very prominent bench trial judge. Most people, who stood before him, were of various high crime organizations, more or less mobsters. She sucked on her teeth then, hearing some of his cases that he would go over during dinner would make Sera want to laugh, some of the terminology of it making her think of the 1920’s mafia.

“So did they swim with the fishes, daddy?”

But they were real, very real, and what her dad never mentioned during all those evening meals was the various chords of business that had been struck. For a price, a lot of evil would be allowed out of his court with merely a slap to the wrist. Until one day it her dad decided to stop, making a loop and sending the crime boss to prison. Maybe the man wouldn’t meet her father’s price, though Sera would like to think the deeds he committed were heinous enough that her father couldn’t turn a blind eye to it. Either way the man’s family wasn’t pleased with the outcome, thus sealing her and her family’s fate. A watered down version of it anyways. Sera had seen hell during the last year and a half and did not want to feel those licks of flame again. Setting the timer for the pizzas, she curled on the couch with Shep, gathering a book and a glass of wine the boys had given to her, claiming it was much too girly for them. Their loss, she liked it, the alcohol not overtaking the fruity taste.

Letting herself take a few sips she tried to let herself get into the world of five sisters constrained in isolation and the events that would lead them to want to take their own lives. As the youngest jumped out the window, Sera had dropped the book as she fell asleep.

“…Include us with them forever, and let us not be ashamed for we put our trust in You.”

Seven year old Selene whimpered faintly. “So does that mean if we do what’s right we’ll burn at the stake too?”

Sera could see her mother shaking her head at their father. “I don’t know why you tell the girls these things, they’re not Sapphire they can’t handle hearing that. It could scare them, give them nightmares.”

Sera blew her lips together in annoyance. “I’m not scared; don’t see the point is all.”

Her dad squared his shoulders then, flabbergasted. “The point? It’s your heritage young lady, that’s the point!”

“You keep saying to value our beliefs. But that one girl you talked about – Duque, she showed her beliefs, converted people, spread all that stuff about the Messiah coming, but she lied, He never did and she burned for it. So what was the point?”

Her father’s posture softened, pulling her on his lap. “The point, honeybee, is that despite all the horrible things going on around you, you have something to give you hope. No the Messiah didn’t come during her time, probably won’t come in ours but He will. And that’s something to hang onto.”

Sera still didn’t understand. “So are we going to burn or not?”

Her mother laughed. “Next time honey, why not stick to the Book of Esther for hope instead of going through religious martyrs.”

Selene clenched the side of her mouth, standing up. “Something’s burning, momma.”

Sera could smell it too, the scent of wood burning strong from the windows. Pulling the curtain back she fell down at seeing the flames engulfing them from the outside. She could then hear a loud banging from the door, but with the flames it was impossible anyone could be out there. There was no way she’d open it anyway, knowing the flames would eat up the house in an instant, then she heard barking.

“Shep?”

But Shep wasn’t with her then. But the barking got louder.

“Shep!”

Wrenching up, she saw Shep beside her, his paw clawing on her chest to wake her. She could still smell the smoke, the apartment itself hazing in gray fog.

“I slept through the timer!”

Then came the knocking. God, someone probably thought she set the place on fire.

“Just a second!”

Running up to the oven, she shut it off, opening the oven door and buried in a plume of black. She coughed on the charred taste, seeing the remnants of the pizza on the trays.

“Open up the door, lass!”

She sighed, it was the boys, and the house was encased in a haze.

“Let me open the windows first!”

She wished she had a balcony now; the larger doors would help the place air out more quickly.

Running her fingers through her hair, she knew she was a mess, but they saw her like that more often than she would like. Opening the door, the two strode in past her.

“What happened?”

She shrugged. “I was trying out smoke signals, didn’t work out too well.”

They looked at her aghast.

“I was trying to make us something to eat, but I fell asleep.”

“Christ sake, love, there was smoke coming from under the door, and ye wouldn’t answer…”

She went to the little closet that doubled for linens and storage, she reached under the shelves for a box fan, only to be pushed aside as Murphy got it loose from the surrounding junk.

“Connor was about to kick the door in, was scared for ye.”

Connor scoffed from the kitchen and Sera saw him dumping the burnt food in the garbage.

“Wasn’t scared, worried, yeah, not scared though.”

“You were fuckin’ scared, so was I –“

The heat in Murphy’s words was going to lead to a fight, so she tried to deflect them. “I’m sorry guys, I need to replace the damn fire alarm, and I really shouldn’t have fallen asleep like that.”

Murphy plugged the fan in before turning back to her, his face not holding its usual playfulness but serious, maybe a first for him.

“You haven’t been sleeping have ye, aingeal? I can see it in yer eyes, exhausted as hell aren’tcha?”

“I’m fine, I haven’t been sleeping as much as I should, but it’ll be okay. I’ll catch up when the holidays roll around.”

Connor came back to the living room, falling back on her couch. “Yur a shit liar, love, better stay away from poker.”

“I will, especially since I hear the Irish love to cheat at it.”

He sat up then, pointer finger wagging in mock anger. “The Irish don’t cheat at nothing, girl. Got luck on our side, don’t need to.”

“If you say so, MacManus.”

“I do, I also say you should get some rest, Murph’s right ye look like ye barely survived a plane crash.”

“Well, thank you boys, I didn’t have time to put on an evening gown and get dolled up for you.”

Murphy laughed, shedding his pea coat before picking her up and tossing her on his shoulder.

“Now don’t be like that, want honesty don’tcha, besides Conn and me look like shit all the time.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it, now put me down.”

“No, love, gonna take ye a good rest.”

“Absolutely not, I got to scrounge something out for us to eat and make sure you two behave. I’m sure it’d look like closing time at McGinty’s if I left you two alone.”

Connor sat up and waved the cordless in her face, which was a little disorienting being upside down. “I know how ta use a phone, I’ll get us some food.”

She groaned, letting her head fall, which ended in the curve of Murphy’s back. “You’ll only get something artery clogging.”

“I’ll get veggies on the thing, don’t worry bout it.”

Murphy hitched her up, adjusting her weight. “Aye, let Connor worry about the food, I haven’t gotten ta see yer room yet. Could use a nap myself, that way ye have no need to think we’ll fight, and Connor will have ta pay fer the food.”

“Oh, no, there’s money in bag Connor!”

Opening the door, Murphy dropped her on the bed. “He aint gonna listen to that, told ye we’re gentlemen. Ladies aren’t meant ta pay. Now get comfortable.”

“I feel like I’m signing a death warrant with that line.”

He smirked. “I ain’t tryin’ nothing, not today. Like I said I wouldn’t mind catchin’ me some sleep as well. Been working double shifts the last three night and I can feel it.”

Sera grinned at him, watching him light a cigarette before tugging on his boots.

“Maybe you’re getting old, Murphy.”

“Aye, but that only means yer right behind me on that.”

“Hey! That’s not something a gentleman would say.”

“Sorry, love, perhaps I’m just selective in the acts of it.”

Standing up he kicked off the untied boots, tugging on his belt to throw on her dresser. Looking at his dingy shirt and jeans she realized they dressed alike. She wanted to laugh at the discovery, but they did. Boots, jeans, belt, both wore t-shirts though one would always wear a lighter color unless it was black, and their pea coats. Unbelievable.

“What’s that look on yer face, girl?”

“I just think it’s cute how alike you two are, you are but you’re not. If that makes sense…you’re both dressed alike…”

Murphy seemed to withdraw a little on that. It was something else she had come to notice in their differentiations, neither got serious too often, usually they were both teasing and playful, but on some accounts Murphy was much more shy, his brother’s exuberance pulling him from his shell.

“Is that bad?”

“Of course not, I didn’t mean it like that, Murphy, actually I was thinking how cute it was. I like how you’re both so comfortable with each other. It’s like water, you both move to the current together.”

His smile returned, along with a small bit of red in his face as he lay back on the bed. “Oh, this here is comfortable, aingeal. Might not be sitting in your livin’ room any longer.”

She chuckled, getting up to go to the bathroom to change into some sleep pants. Coming back she saw Shep had gotten on the bed, laying between Murphy’s legs as he got his head scratched.

“Did you and yer sister ever dress alike?”

Her bottom lip jutted out in thought. “When we were babies, all the time, our mom dressed all three of us alike. But then, she was like – oh, they need to be individuals. So she started dressing us different. As we grew older, I was much more into what was comfortable, Selene not so much. She always wore a dress, always, and where I would be ready in ten minutes she’d take two hours to settle on which shoes to go with which purse.”

Lying beside him she looked over to see a small twinkle with his smile. “Ye like ta talk about her, don’tcha?”

“Yeah, I do. Keeps her here with me.”

He nodded, understanding, before putting his arm around her and pulling her to him. “So why can’t ye sleep, love?”

In a slow movement, she let her head lay on his chest, his heartbeat thudding in a comforting rhythm, she let herself take it in, his warmth, the way his breath tickled the top of her head, the languid way his arm was slung around her, but held on enough to be snug. Oh, she knew she’d fall asleep like this.

“Been having nightmares.”

“About yer sister?”

“About all of them.”

Sera didn’t have to look up to know he was confused. She sighed, sadness flooding in her as she let her face nuzzle into his chest. “They’re all gone Murphy, it’s only me and my brother left, and he’s gone too. He doesn’t even want to be around me.”

He was quiet a moment, his hand coming up to rub her back, his face burying itself in her hair.

“I’m so sorry, love, neither of us knew –“

“I – I didn’t really want you to. I didn’t want you to feel bad for me. But since you two are crazy enough to hang around you may as well know.”

He had questions, she knew, hell she would too. But he held it in, giving her the luxury to relax again.

“Did the big bad Murphy ever have nightmares?”

He still held her close, thumb stroking her shoulder. “Aye, used to have the same one when I was a kid.”

“You don’t have to but –“

She tried to look at him, feeling him shrug as his heart fluttered against her cheek. “Eh, wasn’t that big of a deal. Used to dream of being outside the cathedral back home, it’s one of those gothic churches ye see ‘em all over here as well. A lot of them have those damned gargoyles up there, peering at ye, judging ye. Ma used to say if we didn’t live by the grace of God they’d be the things to drag us to hell. Well, there the thing was staring down at me, ye could hear the stones cracking under its weight when it moved, when it swooped down I’d duck on the ground could smell fire coming from it that’s how close it got but it didn’t go fer me. Went fer Connor, took him away to punish me.”

Murphy used his free hand to wipe at his face remembering his childhood nightmare upsetting him. Sera patted his chest, leaning up and kissing him on his mole, his designated spot, and he smiled at her.

“I’m sorry you for that, having your subconscious think that…but it’d never happen to either of you. You’re both too good for that.”

“That so, aingeal?”

“Let’s see – you’re both devout in your faith, kind to others, respect your mother, live modestly and charitably. If that’s not a key to the gates, don’t know what could be.”

His smile grew, taking her hand and bringing it palm up to kiss.

“What’s all this now, I get us food and you two go behind my back and get lovey dovey.”

“Aww, shove it, Conn, the lass and I were having a discussion.”

“Oh, and what about then?”

Rolling over to face Connor, she saw him parroting Murphy from before, stripping his belt and shoes as he came to the bed. She smirked at him.

“Different things, how long do we have before the food gets here?”

“Due to the snow, they said it could be over an hour.”

“How about we nap then, when the food gets here if you’re really curious about our discussion we’ll talk about it with food.”

Connor flopped on the bed on the other side of her. “Sounds like a plan to me, love. This bed is fuckin’ comfy.”

She giggled one more time, she looked back and saw Connor snuggled down in the pillows, armed draped around his head. Before leaning back to Murphy, who’s eyes were already closed, his breathing starting to even out. Maybe with the two of them surrounding her they could protect from her dreams.

She was woken again by barking and knocking, the dreamy stupor. She was so warm though, that was when she woke fully, two bodies up against her, though she calmed remembering who. Both Murphy and Connor’s faces were pushed in her hair, though Connor’s was pushed against her scalp, their hands were situated in a way not to touch each other only her, zigzagging a path along her waist. With one pushed into her front and the other into her back, she was in a nice cocoon, it would be easy to go to sleep again. But the knocking was there, and Shep’s barks were getting restless. Relenting to getting up, she ease her way out of their embrace, the action near to effortless due to countless slumber parties and nights ended up sharing a bed with Selene.

Going to the door, she apologized to the poor delivery boy giving him a larger tip than necessary to make up for his time. The pizza did smell good, and she wondered if she should wake the boys while it was still fresh. Taking down some plates she got the table ready, turning to go to her room she found she’d only have to wake one. Connor emerging while running his hand through his messy dark blonde hair.

He gave a loud yawn. “Food finally here, love?”

“Yep, just set the table about to wake you.”

His smile was gentle. “Used yer money too didn’t ye?”

“I did, it’s the 90’s Mr. MacManus.”

“Well, aware there, aingeal, ain’t no rule that says I can’t take care of ye every now and then.”

She focused on the table, blushing. “You two take care of me more than you know. It won’t hurt to let me care for you.”

She jumped feeling a hand on her hip. “Ye do take care of us lass, ye give us something to look forward ta every day. That’s something we don’t take for granted.”

Her eyes grew when Connor’s hand rested on her face. She couldn’t identify the look in his eyes, the closest thing she could get to was affectionate.

“I look forward to you both too.”

She gulped as she was pulled closer. “Ye have no idea how glad I am ta hear that, grá aingeal. Cause me and Murph both hope to stick around fer as long as you’ll have us.”

“That could be a long time, you both may be sick of me by then.”

A chuckle rumbled through his chest, his face drawing closer to hers. “Don’t be coutin’ on that.”

She closed her eyes, waiting to see what he’d do when a voice stopped him.

“Where the fuck did everyone go?”

[mastcomm]

I Quit the Act of Quitting

Sometimes there’s nothing more satisfying than not saying no.

Jan. 20, 2020

I’m a quitter, in the right sense of the word, by present-day standards. I, like so many brave men and women with the means to do so, have gotten by for days at a time without any bread items, without any sweets, without any alcohol, without any meat.

I change when these dietary changes are afoot. I become slighter, I spend less money, I spend more time in bed, my energy drained. I become a being with less of a connection to the outside world.

Similar effects occur when I give up other types of behavior — socializing, for instance, or engagement with social media. Suddenly I turn into one of those people with a beatific air exuding from the face, someone who gets asked, “Do you meditate?” (I do.)

It’s as if, in these altered states, I have already died. I have ascended into some perceived higher plane, become the perfect version of myself I so long to manifest, floating above the meat-eating, carb-addicted, phone-holding rabble.

No wonder, perhaps, that my vows to reduce social interactions go so well at these times. Who, after all, would want to spend time with me?

The connection between insufferability and perfection has not escaped me. At those times in my life that I undergo some disciplinarian makeover, and quit some or all collectively-deemed-as-such vices, I become, in my mind, representative of both qualities. Inevitably, my world constricts.

I feel superior to the many lifestyle gurus who today attempt to achieve perfection in plain sight, because I do not benefit financially from my deprivations. No one pays me to promote any products, because I have likely eschewed all of them, dumped everything with a label into a trash bag and vowed to live off coconut oil — the all-around product of choice for the apocalyptic-minded, impressionable minimalist — alone.

I have learned, however, a surprising lesson from my various ascents into periods of insufferable perfection. They are not, I think, worth it.

I lose touch with the qualities that are enhanced by intimacy with vice, with choice, with plenitude. What sort of willpower does it take to resist a sweet when one’s house contains nothing but green powders? What is the worth of peace of mind if it necessitates a blockade against the goings-on of the world?

Moderation has become something of a lost darling these days, in the world of lifestyle trends. Gone are the days when everyone with a mic preached that eating everything in moderation, experiencing everything in moderation, is the way toward a happy and fulfilled and balanced life.

A physician whose offices I visited a year ago suggested that I cease my moratorium on alcohol. She told me that studies indicate a bell curve, in terms of mortality — no alcohol at all can hasten it, in the same way that too much can.

But there seemed to be an infinite number of reasons behind the conclusion. Perhaps people who drink a few times a week are the types who regularly meet up with friends. Perhaps they are the types who don’t take themselves or life so seriously.

The Swedish famously developed the national philosophy of “lagom,” or “just the right amount.” One may shift its slant out of a deprivational focus into an expansive one. Just the right amount of frivolity, but seriousness as well, may be a key aspect of a life well lived. Self-deprivation could, after all, be rebranded as a form of vanity, of narcissism, of immoderation — taking more than one’s due by another script.

Why should I exist on any higher, ultra-curated plane than anyone else? Thus, with the freshness of a new decade upon me, I plan to return to an original, humane, childlike and sociable state: to quit the act of quitting.

I will try everything that comes my way and, in so doing, hopefully learn how to conduct myself in a world populated with more people than just me.

Mallika Rao is a writer in Brooklyn.

Photo Illustration by Tony Cenicola/The New York Times

from WordPress https://mastcomm.com/life-style/i-quit-the-act-of-quitting/

[ghostlycreeper]

weight and “diet” talk under the cut

i think i should get off tumblr for a bit. people keep reblogging shit about diets and weightloss like it is bad Every Time In Every Situation Always, because it is bad for some people and the WAY people talk about it is bad.

this fucking triggers me (legitimately) because they mention diets like keto because they’re restrictive. but keto (lazy keto even) literally saved my fucking life.

a year and a half ago i was obese, pre-diabetic, and had the beginnings of non alcoholic fatty liver disease. i was extremely unhappy with my body and very dysphoric. i have chronic depression. i was constantly fatigued. my body ALWAYS hurt. i couldn’t walk very far without being out of breath. i didn’t want to get dressed or go outside or talk to anyone because i was so miserable, always. i had issues with binge eating. i had stomachaches probably every night. i was having sharp pains in my stomach as well. i had to eat every 3 hours because i would get shaky and weak - it turns out my body was literally addicted to carbs and i was having crashes because my blood sugar was too high.

my doctor sat me down after reviewing my labs and said that if i continued like this it would progress into full on diabetes and non alcoholic fatty liver disease - at age twenty fucking four - but that i could reverse it if i started right away.

my grandma had died a month earlier from congestive heart failure due to complications from diabetes, so i was well aware of where i was headed if i didn’t change. it was all too fucking real to me.

she told me to start keto and brisk walking for 15 minutes 4 times a week. my bloodwork was completely fixed in three months.

the walking was hard to keep up with, but keto actually fucking worked for me. because i didn’t have to starve myself unlike people think. i could EAT. i could eat a lot actually, but the foods i ate filled me with less anyway and i never had to feel hungry or shaky or have energy crashes (which often made me binge). it was easy because i didn’t have to think about it after the first couple of weeks. i knew what i could eat and i was less hungry. i stopped binging. i stopped feeling guilty.

and in the last year and a half i have lost 70lbs.

i now have more consistent energy, even when i am depressed.

i can make it through the day without a nap.

my body hurts so much less.

i can walk and hike.

i feel less dysphoric because my breasts shrunk and i feel better in clothes, even when i have to wear a bra.

i hardly ever have stomachaches anymore.

i don’t have the sharp pains anymore.

and the only times i have gotten shaky since i started keto have been when i went off of it to treat myself.

which i allow myself to do. my doctor says “you have to let yourself have things sometimes for your mental health.” it’s just that i feel so much better physically and mentally when i’m on it. and “intermittent fasting” isn’t skipping meals like one post i saw. i don’t really do it, but when i do it, it’s more like... i eat dinner at 6pm and wake up at 10:30am and have breakfast.

i don’t know. i know weight talk and dieting is bad for a lot of people, but this completely changed my life. it doesn’t feel like a “diet” it’s just... a diet. as in what i eat. it’s just a different way of eating. i have half a sweet potato sometimes with dinner. i eat a lot more vegetables than i used to. what i do is “lazy keto” because i still have some fruit, i have some peanut butter, i have some beans. the big thing is just not having pasta and bread, and replacing regular tortillas with low carb ones. making keto buns instead of a regular hamburger bun. making keto blueberry muffins and keto biscuits.

it seriously fucking triggers me (again, literally) when people say that how i am eating and “viewing food” is wrong, bad, dangerous, unhealthy. THAT is what makes me feel guilty. not when i treated myself with pulled pork mac n cheese and biscuits and gravy a couple weeks ago. not when i am eating my regular meals and think “oo i want that <x thing i don’t eat on keto>” but opt not to have it because my body feels better like this. no. it’s when people say it’s bad for everyone. THAT feels like you’re telling me i’m bad. i get it. the way mainstream people talk about it like “eating clean” and stuff is bad, i agree. but i don’t think saying i’m eating healthy is a bad thing. because i AM. this is healthy FOR ME. if it isn’t right for you that’s fine. but you telling me to ignore what works for me and literally fucking saved my life and made me feel better in so many ways and actually REDUCED my disordered eating habits is just as bad as someone telling you to diet when you’re fat and healthy. i was fat and on the verge of two serious illnesses, not to mention the impact on my mental ones. losing weight is not inherently bad. mainstream dieters need to talk about it differently and need to not shame people for their weight regardless, but not all diets are bad, not all weightloss is bad. i don’t feel restricted by keto anyway, i just have to be more creative.

[jesseneufeld]

Dear Mark: Why No Soy in PK Teriyaki, What Slackline to Buy, and Type 2 Diabetics and Keto

For today’s edition of Dear Mark, I’m answering three questions.

First, why did I leave out soy sauce from the Primal Kitchen® No Soy Teriyaki Sauce? Second, what slackline do I recommend beginners buy? And third, is keto safe for people with type 2 diabetes?

Let’s find out:

Hey Mark,

How come you didn’t use soy sauce in the new teriyaki?

The response to our new Primal Kitchen No Soy Teriyaki sauce has been overwhelmingly positive. I can’t blame them. The stuff is delicious. But, like you, a few have wondered why we decided to omit the soy. After all, the soy in traditional teriyaki sauce is soy sauce—a fermented product—and I’ve spoken positively about fermented soy in the past. I support the consumption of natto, a fermented soybean product with the highest vitamin K2 density of any food out there. Miso’s pretty good. Even tempeh is better than un-fermented soy. And traditional soy sauce fermentation is so thorough that several different gluten assays are unable to detect any gluten present in the finished product, despite wheat being a vital ingredient. Why not include actual soy sauce, or at least tamari (wheat-free soy sauce), in the PK teriyaki?

First of all, I make this stuff for you guys. For the people who’ve been there from the beginning. For the people who got into this Primal/paleo stuff because they had unexplained rashes, weird weight gain, gut issues, even though they were eating the conventionally “healthy” diet. And many of you (as many of you have told me over the years) have figured out that you have intolerance issues with soy—even if it’s fermented to high heaven. The last thing I want to do is exacerbate an autoimmune issue, especially if the ingredient in question isn’t actually necessary.

And two, I knew I could make something delicious and unique without soy. I didn’t need it. Maybe it’s not exactly like teriyaki sauce you’ve known and loved. For one thing, it has far less sugar. But it’s really, really good. It serves the same purpose as teriyaki sauce. It even manages to give the appearance of sweetness (at least, if your taste buds haven’t been deadened by decades of sugar baths) without actually having any added sugar—just balsamic vinegar. Soy simply wasn’t necessary.

Believe me: we tried different formulas that included soy sauce. They were fine, sure, but they weren’t necessary to get the result we wanted. And so we left it out. Why not leave out a potential allergen, one that a disproportionate number of our customers seem sensitive to? It was a no-brainer.

There are plenty of decent teriyaki sauces out there (although you might have to whip it up yourself to limit the sugar). Ours is just unique.

I definitely feel that procrastination is a mechanism of self-defense. After a long day of “mental work”, when I come home it’s not that “I’m tired” is more “I need to decompress”. One of my go-to phrases: “I’ll do it in the morning”. I still haven’t gotten myself one of those slacklines… is there a particular one you recommend?

I’ve always loved the Gibbon slacklines. The basic one is more than enough for most people.

A few beginner tips I always give to newcomers:

Focus on standing on one leg. Get comfortable there. Then spend even more time on one leg before trying to take steps.

Use trekking or ski poles to get comfortable. If you aren’t making any progress at all, there’s no shame in using a little assistance.

Know that the line won’t swing out from under you when you take a step. It feels like it will, but it won’t. Trust and have faith (kinda like life).

Let your arms swing where they may. Keep them fluid (like a gibbon), not rigid.

Whatever you do, don’t get discouraged. The first couple hours on a slackline is really humbling for almost everyone. I have a long history of board and “balance” sports (snowboarding, standup paddling, etc), and my first time on the slackline I could barely stand up. Your leg will wiggle more than you ever thought possible. Keep going. Even though it won’t feel like you’re making progress, you are. Your brain is taking notes, drawing new paths between neurons. It’s learning. Giving up gives your brain the message that this task is too difficult for you, and it’ll stop learning.

Is Keto dieting ok for us type II diabetics?

Most signs point to “yes.”

Type 2 diabetes has been described as a disease of carbohydrate intolerance. If that’s true, then removing or severely restricting the thing you’re intolerant of seems logical. What happens when you do that?

Very recently, a large study came out that supports the use of keto in this population. Two groups of type 2 diabetics were placed either on a very low carb ketogenic diet or a standard diet for two years. The ketogenic group:

Lowered their HbA1c.

Reduced their diabetes medication usage.

Lost visceral body fat.

The control group experienced none of these benefits.

Furthermore, 55% of the keto group reversed their diabetes and 18% went into remission.

I’ve heard some people make the point that because keto doesn’t necessarily give a type 2 diabetic the ability to eat a big baked potato and have normal blood glucose, it’s not actually a “cure.” Maybe. But would you say the same thing to an alcoholic who no longer drinks? Is sobriety not a viable treatment for alcoholism because if the alcoholic took a drink he’d fall off the wagon? No. That’s ridiculous.

That’s it for today, folks. Happy 4th to all my U.S. readers out there. Enjoy a safe and healthy holiday weekend.

(function($) { $("#dfGkYWJ").load("https://www.marksdailyapple.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php?action=dfads_ajax_load_ads&groups=674&limit=1&orderby=random&order=ASC&container_id=&container_html=none&container_class=&ad_html=div&ad_class=&callback_function=&return_javascript=0&_block_id=dfGkYWJ" ); })( jQuery );

window.onload=function(){ga('send', { hitType: 'event', eventCategory: 'Ad Impression', eventAction: '66337' });}

References:

Cao W, Watson D, Bakke M, et al. Detection of Gluten during the Fermentation Process To Produce Soy Sauce. J Food Prot. 2017;:799-808.

Athinarayanan SJ, Adams RN, Hallberg SJ, et al. Long-Term Effects of a Novel Continuous Remote Care Intervention Including Nutritional Ketosis for the Management of Type 2 Diabetes: A 2-Year Non-randomized Clinical Trial. Front Endocrinol (Lausanne). 2019;10:348.

The post Dear Mark: Why No Soy in PK Teriyaki, What Slackline to Buy, and Type 2 Diabetics and Keto appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Dear Mark: Why No Soy in PK Teriyaki, What Slackline to Buy, and Type 2 Diabetics and Keto published first on https://drugaddictionsrehab.tumblr.com/

[lauramalchowblog]

Dear Mark: Why No Soy in PK Teriyaki, What Slackline to Buy, and Type 2 Diabetics and Keto

For today’s edition of Dear Mark, I’m answering three questions.

First, why did I leave out soy sauce from the Primal Kitchen® No Soy Teriyaki Sauce? Second, what slackline do I recommend beginners buy? And third, is keto safe for people with type 2 diabetes?

Let’s find out:

Hey Mark,

How come you didn’t use soy sauce in the new teriyaki?

The response to our new Primal Kitchen No Soy Teriyaki sauce has been overwhelmingly positive. I can’t blame them. The stuff is delicious. But, like you, a few have wondered why we decided to omit the soy. After all, the soy in traditional teriyaki sauce is soy sauce—a fermented product—and I’ve spoken positively about fermented soy in the past. I support the consumption of natto, a fermented soybean product with the highest vitamin K2 density of any food out there. Miso’s pretty good. Even tempeh is better than un-fermented soy. And traditional soy sauce fermentation is so thorough that several different gluten assays are unable to detect any gluten present in the finished product, despite wheat being a vital ingredient. Why not include actual soy sauce, or at least tamari (wheat-free soy sauce), in the PK teriyaki?

First of all, I make this stuff for you guys. For the people who’ve been there from the beginning. For the people who got into this Primal/paleo stuff because they had unexplained rashes, weird weight gain, gut issues, even though they were eating the conventionally “healthy” diet. And many of you (as many of you have told me over the years) have figured out that you have intolerance issues with soy—even if it’s fermented to high heaven. The last thing I want to do is exacerbate an autoimmune issue, especially if the ingredient in question isn’t actually necessary.

And two, I knew I could make something delicious and unique without soy. I didn’t need it. Maybe it’s not exactly like teriyaki sauce you’ve known and loved. For one thing, it has far less sugar. But it’s really, really good. It serves the same purpose as teriyaki sauce. It even manages to give the appearance of sweetness (at least, if your taste buds haven’t been deadened by decades of sugar baths) without actually having any added sugar—just balsamic vinegar. Soy simply wasn’t necessary.

Believe me: we tried different formulas that included soy sauce. They were fine, sure, but they weren’t necessary to get the result we wanted. And so we left it out. Why not leave out a potential allergen, one that a disproportionate number of our customers seem sensitive to? It was a no-brainer.

There are plenty of decent teriyaki sauces out there (although you might have to whip it up yourself to limit the sugar). Ours is just unique.

I definitely feel that procrastination is a mechanism of self-defense. After a long day of “mental work”, when I come home it’s not that “I’m tired” is more “I need to decompress”. One of my go-to phrases: “I’ll do it in the morning”. I still haven’t gotten myself one of those slacklines… is there a particular one you recommend?

I’ve always loved the Gibbon slacklines. The basic one is more than enough for most people.

A few beginner tips I always give to newcomers:

Focus on standing on one leg. Get comfortable there. Then spend even more time on one leg before trying to take steps.

Use trekking or ski poles to get comfortable. If you aren’t making any progress at all, there’s no shame in using a little assistance.

Know that the line won’t swing out from under you when you take a step. It feels like it will, but it won’t. Trust and have faith (kinda like life).

Let your arms swing where they may. Keep them fluid (like a gibbon), not rigid.

Whatever you do, don’t get discouraged. The first couple hours on a slackline is really humbling for almost everyone. I have a long history of board and “balance” sports (snowboarding, standup paddling, etc), and my first time on the slackline I could barely stand up. Your leg will wiggle more than you ever thought possible. Keep going. Even though it won’t feel like you’re making progress, you are. Your brain is taking notes, drawing new paths between neurons. It’s learning. Giving up gives your brain the message that this task is too difficult for you, and it’ll stop learning.

Is Keto dieting ok for us type II diabetics?

Most signs point to “yes.”

Type 2 diabetes has been described as a disease of carbohydrate intolerance. If that’s true, then removing or severely restricting the thing you’re intolerant of seems logical. What happens when you do that?

Very recently, a large study came out that supports the use of keto in this population. Two groups of type 2 diabetics were placed either on a very low carb ketogenic diet or a standard diet for two years. The ketogenic group:

Lowered their HbA1c.

Reduced their diabetes medication usage.

Lost visceral body fat.

The control group experienced none of these benefits.

Furthermore, 55% of the keto group reversed their diabetes and 18% went into remission.

I’ve heard some people make the point that because keto doesn’t necessarily give a type 2 diabetic the ability to eat a big baked potato and have normal blood glucose, it’s not actually a “cure.” Maybe. But would you say the same thing to an alcoholic who no longer drinks? Is sobriety not a viable treatment for alcoholism because if the alcoholic took a drink he’d fall off the wagon? No. That’s ridiculous.

That’s it for today, folks. Happy 4th to all my U.S. readers out there. Enjoy a safe and healthy holiday weekend.

(function($) { $("#dfQDWkL").load("https://www.marksdailyapple.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php?action=dfads_ajax_load_ads&groups=674&limit=1&orderby=random&order=ASC&container_id=&container_html=none&container_class=&ad_html=div&ad_class=&callback_function=&return_javascript=0&_block_id=dfQDWkL" ); })( jQuery );

window.onload=function(){ga('send', { hitType: 'event', eventCategory: 'Ad Impression', eventAction: '67622' });}

References:

Cao W, Watson D, Bakke M, et al. Detection of Gluten during the Fermentation Process To Produce Soy Sauce. J Food Prot. 2017;:799-808.

Athinarayanan SJ, Adams RN, Hallberg SJ, et al. Long-Term Effects of a Novel Continuous Remote Care Intervention Including Nutritional Ketosis for the Management of Type 2 Diabetes: A 2-Year Non-randomized Clinical Trial. Front Endocrinol (Lausanne). 2019;10:348.

The post Dear Mark: Why No Soy in PK Teriyaki, What Slackline to Buy, and Type 2 Diabetics and Keto appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Dear Mark: Why No Soy in PK Teriyaki, What Slackline to Buy, and Type 2 Diabetics and Keto published first on https://venabeahan.tumblr.com

[crazyblondelife]

Trust Your Gut by Listening to Your Intuition

Over the past three weeks, I’ve been on so many antibiotics, not to mention pain medication and anesthesia, and it has completely wreaked havoc on my system. I am grateful for all of it, especially the antibiotics, because without them, I quite possibly could have died, but now, with three days still to go in my prescription, I’m trying to figure out how to get my body back to health and feel normal in the best way possible. I have begun to take a high quality probiotic, and I’m being careful with the foods I choose to eat, but it’ slow going and I won’t lie…I’m getting a bit frustrated. I’ve ordered a book that came highly recommended called The Longevity Paradox - How to Die Young at a Ripe Old Age. I’m on the quest for how to eat healthy food, heal my gut and find some balance at the same time! Also…I’m really excited about having a glass of wine, but it will have to wait until Friday! What I am discovering and really knew all along is that my emotions and my gut health are interwoven so tightly. Addressing just one issue won’t ever solve the entire problem, so learning to take care of myself, emotionally as well as physically is the key to “dying young at a ripe old age”.

I found this article by Dr. Christiane Northrup yesterday and wanted to summarize it for you. I’ve been a long time fan of Christiane Northrup and have referenced her book, Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom for years (every woman should own a copy of this book for reference). What I’ve come to realize is that being healthy is about much more that eating healthy food, it’s a combination of healing yourself emotionally as well as physically. Midlife can be a time of tremendous change. Life is completely different that it was 15 years ago, for most women. Our children are grown, our marriages have changed and in many cases, our sense of purpose is gone. Finding the path back and discovering who we really are and what we really want out of our new lives can be difficult. It’s not something that’s talked about in our society very often. Midlife is a time when women have so much wisdom to offer and life to live, but so often, we’re left feeling alone, confused and unsure what to do next. All of this combined with our changing bodies can be too much for our systems to take. Hopefully, over the next few weeks, as I begin to navigate some of these issues, I can help you to figure out a few things as well.

Most women suffer from some type of digestive problems at midlife…weight gain, bloating, gastric reflux, constipation, irritable bowel and ulcers are all common reasons that women seek medical help. In so many cases, our diets are to blame. Doctor’s often prescribe medications that mask the symptoms, but don’t address the problem, so we continue to feel worse and worse and need more and more medication. It has also been proven that the symptom masking medications can lead to other health risks. Is this really how we want to live? Not me!

Conventional Approach

Most conventional doctors prescribe antacids to repress symptoms of heartburn, such as Tums, Mylanta or prescription drugs such as Zantac and Tagamet, Prilosec and Nexium. But long term use of these drugs can change the ecology of your gut. This is important because the bowel wall contains nearly two-thirds of your body’s immune defenses and you need a healthy bowel to keep harmful toxins from reaching other organs in your body. These drugs can ultimately affect the health of all the organs in your body and prevent your gut from absorbing vital nutrients.

Another issue, as I mentioned above is antibiotics. Antibiotics kill the normal flora (good bacteria as well as bad bacteria) in the bowel that are necessary for the absorption of nutrients. Chronic use of aspirin also affects the stomach and small intestine, causing inflammation.

Taking the time to actually find out what is causing the problems is the first step in healing. If you’re masking your gut issues with medication, you’re probably masking your emotional issues as well and that could be making your physical symptoms worse. Taking a holistic approach is crucial to beginning the healing process.

Healing Alternatives

Try these suggestions to correct the imbalance in your system and and begin to restore your digestive health.

Eat complex carbohydrates such as sweet potatoes, beans, lentils, oatmeal and brown rice and stay away from high glycemic carbs such as white rice, prepared cereals and sodas.

Eat smaller, more frequent meals. Consuming large quantities of food at mealtime increases insulin. Try five small meals per day.

Stop taking antacids. If you need to take one, make sure it does not contain aluminum.

Try taking aloe vera, Vitamins C, E and B, licorice root, ginger, peppermint and chamomile tea. Also, find a good quality probiotic that contains a range of friendly bacteria. This can very helpful in restoring the flora in your bowel. Make sure to take a calcium supplement that contains magnesium and Vitamin D as well as a polypeptide supplement. You may want to talk with your integrative practitioner to find the best supplements for your needs.

Drink plenty of water. It helps rid the body of toxins.

Cut back or stop drinking alcohol which is an irritant.

Eliminate bread for a week and notice whether your digestive symptoms lessen. Many people are sensitive to gluten and don’t know it.

Emotions and gut health are very closely related, so listen to your body and figure out what it’s trying to tell you. Keeping a journal can be helpful in matching your symptoms to your emotional state.

Learning to Take Care of Yourself

Most of us are so used to taking care of others and taking care of ourselves is something very foreign to us. For our adult lives, we’ve been the ones to hold everything together and now is the time to stop that. You deserve to be taken care of and it is one of the most important steps on your path to living a healthy, vibrant life.

You don’t need to be responsible for everyone and everything!

You are allowed to make changes that make you feel good, such as a new hair cut, a new dress or a new job!

Other peoples problems are not yours and you don’t have to and most likely can’t solve them!

You are allowed to feel good about yourself and your body no matter where you are. That is the first step in the journey.

Self Care Isn’t Selfish. You Can’t Take Care of Anyone Else if You Don’t Take Care of Yourself. Make it a Priority! Listen to your intuition and “trust your gut”! Your body tells you so much if you’ll only listen!

If you had asked me a month ago, I would have told you that I practiced fairly healthy habits and compared to some…I did! I have realized that I have some work to do spiritually and practically and I think these suggestions are a great place to start!

[michaelhouser04]

The Top 10 IIFYM.com Posts

 This list doesn’t include just our 2017 posts, these are our top posts from the absolute beginning. That made this quite the task, we have so many personal favorites. Yet, this isn’t about us, this ia about the posts our audience appreciated the most.

We are beyond grateful to all of our readers, followers, and clients. Our aim is to continue putting out more content and resources to help you succeed. The Macro Calculator is a prime example of this, we are always building upon it to help our audience.

Each post below is geared towards creating sustainable lifestyle habits. Without further setup, here’s the list:

 1. Tracking Alcohol Macros – Can I Drink With IIFYM?

Alcohol consumption is heavily ingrained in our society today. Which make sense that it sits at number one on our blog as the most searched. Even though we don’t condone drinking at IIFYM.com, the people have spoken.

We created this since it’s so common among our population and it would be a tall task to eliminate from everyone’s diet.

We delve into whether you can drink alcohol, how you can track it, and what is the best way to go about it while dieting. As the cliche goes, “everything in moderation”(I’m sure this will get skewed). That pertains to alcohol and dieting quite a bit.

To read the entire article, here’s the full post.

On top of this article, we have a couple of articles that go over low-calorie alcoholic drinks that are easier to track.

 2. The Perfect Macro Ratio: Is There A Superior Macro Split?

This is a loaded question, which is why we fleshed it out. If you’ve been here for a while then you know the answer to this question. Figuring out what ratio works best for you may take some time and understanding (or a coach to create a plan for you such as our Macro Blueprint).

We go over each facet that needs to be considered to make the right choice. The beauty of this article is that it addresses what each macronutrient brings to the table and what factors are in play.

To see what will lead you to a great macro split, read the entire blog post here.

 3. Do I Add Back Calories I Burn During Exercise?

I’d be Scrooge McDuck if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me this question. Diving around in gold coins like a maniac, getting in enough exercise solely doing that.

This is a simple answer, but of course, there’s a reason why. This article goes over why macro calculators such as ours include all activity (involuntary and voluntary) within their calculations.

To read the full article, click here.

 4. IIFYM & Carb Cycling

Whenever someone mentions carb cycling, my first thought is a person eating a sandwich on a bike. If that’s similar to your thinking on the topic, we’re both not far off from what carb cycling is.

With that said, this has to be one of the most common diet approaches. Its scientific backing isn’t there but it still has value. Its benefit stems from helping with diet adherence which is arguably the second most important aspect of being successful in changing your body composition.

There’s a lot of lifestyle scenarios where carb cycling can be applied, but it does have its disadvantages as well.

To read the full post, click here for the insight.

What’s even better is that we added another carb cycling article that fleshes it out even more. Check out that post here.

 5. The PCOS Playbook: Tracking Macros For Weight Loss

When I began working here PCOS clients were few and far between. Now, “Close to 12% of our female clients have PCOS and need dietary and nutrition changes. This means that over 250 women diagnosed with PCOS come to IIFYM every month…” So, it comes as no surprise that this article comes in at number 5 on the list.

The prevalence of PCOS seems to only be growing (especially in the U.S.). Yet, the positive aspect of this post is that the science of nutrition is trending in a positive direction for women dealing with PCOS.

There’s more available data which can help them decide how to follow a sustainable diet. Here’s the full post which includes the PCOS macro calculator.

(Side note: please consult your preferred physician before following any diet suggestions on our site or any other.)

6. 30 Tips To Maximize Food Volume With Low Macros

This isn’t the exciting part of dieting down, we wish that no one had to get here to reach their body composition goals. Thinking about “poverty macros” makes me sad, but fret not, it should be temporary.

On that note, satiation while not having enough calories is a crucial aspect that we go over. Some of these tips are incredibly simple while others are game changers and make this process sufferable.

Although I don’t wish eating low calorie on my worst enemy, this article doesn’t make it sound so bad.

To read this full post, click here and help yourself to succeed.

 7. The Benefits and Drawbacks Of The Keto Diet

Oh, the keto craze, it’s not only alive but it’s thriving. Just when you think it’s dwindling, it rears its head out of nowhere. This isn’t to talk down on the diet but to point out that there is so much misinformation associated with it.

It has its own zealots that believe ketogenic dieting is superior and magical (hint: it’s not, it works but it’s not the best. There is no “best diet”.)

Although the above statements make me sound like a hater. We have had plenty of clients who follow a keto diet since it fits their lifestyle. In any case, this article is an incredible analysis of the diet and whether it’s worth your time.

To read the full post, click here!

 8. Why Does IIFYM Give So Many Calories?

This movement is massive, it’s much larger than us (obviously); even though we are an authority in it. IIFYM is an idea that you can achieve flexibility while dieting. Yet, dieting is synonymous with eating low-calorie and suffering along the way.

For chronic dieters, this means being masochistic. We have been told to hate ourselves while we are working on changing our body composition. The classic diet, a woman should eat 1200-1500 calories, while men should eat between 1800-2000 calories to lose weight.

This general guideline grossly oversimplifies the process. We have been fighting for years to alter that misconception, so far, we are hopeful that this is a dying phenomenon.

With that said, the concern that our coaches or calculator give too many calories is still prevalent. Those same people who ask us, and follow their macros end up reaching their goals. Nothing makes us happier than seeing that.

Without further introduction, here’s the full article to see why we provide the intake we do.

 9. Tracking Macros While Dining Out: The 3 Best Approaches

Although cooking and prepping your own meals has so many economic and health advantages, going out is great. Trying new places with friends and/or family can be a healthy habit.

Just because your dieting doesn’t mean you have to stop enjoying this part of life. Dieting down often leads to isolating behavior. This is why IIFYM (flexible dieting) is a great approach since it’s not a restrictive diet that has you weeping on a minute-to-minute basis.

Anyway, go out and frolick about while you enjoy losing fat. To find out the best strategies to do so, read the full post.

 10. How Much Protein Is Needed While Following IIFYM?

Protein is fundamental to your success while dieting for fat loss, and is essential, period. It’s incredibly useful while looking to alter your body composition for the better. Without a sufficient amount, you won’t retain as much fat-free mass (bye, bye beautiful muscles). So, understandably, this question resonates heavily with our audience.

Yet, this post isn’t about fear-mongering you into consuming more, but to help you find your sweet spot while in a calorie deficit. No need to worry, since this can be simplified.

Here’s the full article to help you rest assured you’re consuming enough while on a calorie-restricted program.

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[apsbicepstraining]

The Timeline Of Becoming Human Again After A Weekend Of Terrible Decisions

Memorial Day Weekend is traditionally acknowledged as the kickoff for a summer of beach trip-ups, backyard beers and relentless tit sweat.

MDW is also my birthday weekend, which constructs my already skewed, drunken decision-making and self-care that much poorer.

This year was no different. Day drinking? Check. A nutrition of grilled meat and half-melted sugar? Check. Waking up in an outer parish apartment I’ve never previously seen with half an old sandwich in my handbag? Check.

Come the Tuesday following MDW 2016, I feel like someone replenished a Panera sourdough bread bowl with whisky, marijuana and repent and then left it in the sunbathe to think about what it’s done/ exhaustively curdle.

Is it possible to hop back into the scheduleof a responsible adult after a summer weekend of unadulterated fuckery?

I needed to be purified. For the coming week( ish ), I plan to document my seamless alteration into a well-rounded, health, sober human being who loves home cooking and early mornings.

Degenerates can have it all, too.

Tuesday, May 31: Welcome To A New Me, Assholes

7 am : I wake up, expecting to feel rested and revitalized from seven hours of sleep, except I live in New York City without an air conditioner. Forecasts say to expect warm, sunny days all week. I stand naked in my chamber and accept nature’s penalty for my miscreantbehavior over the weekend. 7:05 am : I turn on the rain. I plan to wash my whisker today because I haven’t in a few weeks. I’m starting to look like Johnny Depp I’m talking Captain Jack Sparrow Johnny Depp , not “Crybaby Johnny Depp and it’s not a sound I can pull off.

Before getting clean, I sit on the settle and suck cold coffee I stuck in the fridge the darknes before in an admirable ordinance of #MealPrep and #SelfLove. It’s merely OK.

7:30 am : After my rain, I silently praise myself for not only soaking my hair, but likewise scraping my legs. Unbridled feminine power is extending from my calves, which are a tiny bit lashed, but whatever. Nobody’s perfect.

I spray rose water( a hydrosol) with frankincense from Enfleurage on my face, justasmy bestie admonished. Herbraces once got stuck to my favorite sweater in front of our eighthgrade class, but now she’sa professional makeup creator, licensed aesthetician and semi-finalist on season 10 of Syfy’s Face Off.” If she told me it would build me eternally beautiful, I would fill my holes to the brim with goose poop and decorate thinner.

I pull my mane back because heat-free styling feels like a responsible move and slather SPF with zinc oxide on my sugared, smooth faccia to protect it from the sun that seeks to destroy its ageless glamour.

8: 15 am : I march to the nearest subway stop. Sweet Lord. It’s already so red-hot. Too numerous tacos from the nighttime before recur my bowels. 9 am : I arrive at work and heat up a packet of organic( ooooooooh !!!) instant oatmeal. I arouse in peanut butter and raspberries. I start to feel superior to anyone who devour a bagel this morning. Don’t they care about their own bodies? I do. I would NEVER consider putting that kind of drivel in my flesh temple.

I am a new lady brimming with self-respect. I would rather drownmy somewhat unblemished, 27 -year-old body in the shit hose from “The Shawshank Redemption”than load it full of simple-minded carbs and transfats.I am better than every human/ swine/ deity, nutritionally speaking.

10:30 am : I begin to sketch a breakup email to my therapist of nearly three years. This find counterproductive to my efforts to become the healthiest all-around Taylor, but I have no choice. My employer lately changed insurance carriers and my doctor only abides one type.

I consider living therapy-free. I’d have an extra 40 instants of period each week, and I wouldn’t have to hike to the Upper East Side for appointments. This tones, after nine years of therapy, like a welcome separate I may eventually be ready to handle.

Seconds pass. I embark Googling healers who admit my new guarantee, rapidly coming to expressions with the facts of the case a therapy-free life is a dystopian barren for me and everyone I love.

I’d likely end up dating a high school senior, going really into headbands as a flesh of self-expression, defining small-minded volleys to appear alive, counting calories from gum I ruminated as legitimate sections of energy and becoming one with my bed.

12 pm : I eat lunch, slapping sliced avocado and a mid-sized tupperware’s worth of homemade salsa on some rice patties. It’s all right, but it prepares me kind of thirsty. I realize I’ve merely had two glass of water in so far today.

Proper hydration is something health seeds( identify: Gwenyth Paltrow or the Moon Juice girl) take very seriously, likely. I suppose one day being that kind of wispy, elegant 40 -year-old woman whose surface incandescences and whose forearms examine just likethe small remains kids shove in the sides of a snowman. Totally achievable.

5:00 p.m. : I leader to the gym, fueled by a renewed feel of purpose and the disgrace that harasses one after a weekend of questionable choices. I run. I squat. I try to toss my hair behind my shoulders and snicker carelessly atop the treadmill, but my hair is very short and I cannot breathe deeply sufficient to chuckle because practice is hard. 6 pm : Each time I cleanse my hands, I put on Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter because I care about moisturizing now. It smells like dessert. It stirs my knuckles feel ridiculously smooth. My knuckles are basically astrapping young camel who’s precisely had his humps shaved for a big appointment, or something. 7 pm : I leader to Lowe’s to buy an AC unit for my suite, every inch of whichis charminglysunbathed in the winter and awash with unavoidable hellfirein the summer.I find a group that looks like every other unit and wait for my roommate, who’s hold back at her nannying profession, to come promotion me get this fatty bitch home.

I stand in the checkout expanse next to my large-scale girl buy, mutely praising those lucky enough to witness me expending $350 on something other than alcohol and fancy potatoes.

7:30 pm : My roommate, Charlotte, arrives at Lowe’s. We haul the human rights unit into a taxi and, formerly we make it uptown to our structure, haphazardlydragit up five flights of stairs to our apartment.

The whole seek leaves me feeling proud and physically destroyed. We soondiscover special bolts on our opening grate that won’t allow us to install the air conditioner until acontractor trips. So, fuck it, I guess.

8 pm : I snack a veggie burger patty and a container of sauted kale for dinner. So many nutrients! I want to die, kind of.

9:15 pm : Charlotte and I use the AC unit as a foot residual/ coffee table, and we begina series of dialogues so specific to our generation I think, for a moment, whether it would sound like system to my grandfather( or any other 84 -year-old because my granddad is deaf ).

Me: U can’t use the black thumbs up emoji, Charlotte, that’s racist.

Roommate: I feel bad shedding all my emoji white-hot. Like Hollywood.

— Taylor Ortega (@ taylor_ortega) June 1, 2016

Remember where reference is all caused Cara Delevignenevne a Nobel prize for I approximate having almost a personality

— Charlotte Barnett (@ CHARBAR) April 20, 2016

Pitbull is proof the Harry Potter universe is jolly since he’s certainly retired Miami Voldemort.

— Taylor Ortega (@ taylor_ortega) October 8, 2015

Sexism in Hollywood: no one asked for MORE David Schwimmer, hitherto here we are

— Charlotte Barnett (@ CHARBAR) May 5, 2016

I too wonder whether any of the dumb shit we say is proof Millennials are mankind’s salvation or itsfinal damnation. I decide we’re maybe the latter, but implant that thought deep in an effort to stay positive and shun stress-eating the box of chocolate almonds Charlotte has opened on the couch.

9:25 pm : My ex-boyfriend arrives to pick up the stuff he left at my accommodation before we broke up. I look like a sweatbeast and my leg is bleeding a bit, for some reasonablenes. I facilitate him carry his containers downstairs.

We chat. It’s all really mature. Extremely Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift, if Calvin Harris was a beautiful, half-asian human who insisted on accompanying his goddamn bike everywhere and Taylor Swiftwas 5’10”, willowy and born in 1989( this is an outright brag about how much I have in common with Taylor Swift ).

We are advanced humen capable of enjoying and losing without hysterium. My leg hemorrhages the whole time, but he doesn’t say anything.

12 am: I wash my face, spray it with rose water, brush my teeth, determined my frighten and contribute myself a big ol’ pat on the back for a epoch of task, healthful eating, evolve interactions, adult acquisitions and sobriety. I is certainly be able to pick up the slack from this weekend without breaking a sweat.

Wednesday, June 1: 24 Hours Might As Well Be A Million Years

9 am : POTATO CHIPS FOR BREAKFAST? COME ON, YOU WEAK, SWEATY BITCH. You know what? It’s fine. I’m fine. Part of self-improvement is acknowledging moments of weakness and not letting dichotomous thoughts to thwart progression. I’M STILL IN THE GAME. 1 pm : I steadily hydrate throughout the day. I ingest tofu salad with brown rice for lunch. I am sharp-worded, alert and full of energy. 6:30 pm : My improv team, Champagne Empire, rehearses a few stymies from my agency. After a few particularly physical scenes, I wonder whether I should have worn a short sundress on a show darknes, regardless of the fact that I remembered to put on bikeshorts underneath. 9:00 p.m. : I arrive at the theater an hour before my substantiate. What should I have for dinner? A gin and tonic with acquaintances? Sure, sounds great! 9:01 pm : SHIT, WAIT. 10 pm : Champagne Empire’s weekly substantiate begins. Without being provoked by another teammate, I decide to play the status of women whose legs were burned off by a chocolate fountain.

I drag my person around the stage by my limbs for 25 hours, realise it’s my fault for not only wearing a dress to this evidence, but choosing to play a flailing, horizontal persona for no reason whatsoever.

11 pm : All is not lost. There is one hour to save my era. I’m not going to stress out about perfection. I’m going to take each hour as it comes and allow my health choices to cleanse every last cell in my form until I have achieved a superior status of world. What’s that? My friends are having a few beers? SURE I’ll join! 11:01 pm : WAIT, SHIT. UGH.

Thursday, June 2: You’re Not Better Than Me

8 am : I am beginning work with an easy daylight ahead of me. I have no rehearsals , no shows and no air conditioners to drag up and downthe west back of the city. All of my fortitude and centre can be exploited to achieve the clean lifestyle that’s escaped me my entire life/ the majority of members of this week. 8: 10 am : Organic oatmeal and fruit for breakfast. I smile as I eat it, hoping the physical pageantrywill influence inner gaiety. It doesn’t because oatmeal is just red-hot, mushyplant matter.

Fruit is delicious and beautiful, but it’s not magic. Trans fatties? Those are magic.

Over the past few decades, the meat industry in its own country has obtained a method to deliver us orgasmically yummy plows made from ingredients that just characterize as edible.

Beyond plainly creating these considers, they found a method to addict the American people to them like cigarettes, if cigarettes didn’t preference like dry hound shit and, instead, savor like rich chocolate with a faint plastic aftertaste.

God bless America. I would dismembera live stranger with my bare hands for a Drake’s Cake.

4:00 pm : I pate to the gym, telling myself I just have to get through 40 times before I can leave and do what I actually want to do, which is anything else in the whole wide world. While pretending to try, I receive an email tell people I’ve been charged for a month-long Tidal subscription.

I certainly forgot to cancel it when the free ordeal resolved, and now I’m persisted paying for it. Even in my evolved, nutritious, semi-sober position, small things arefalling through the cracks and I’m starting to wonder whether I was better off waking up with my jeans on and my contacts suctioned to my eyeballs in my fully lit bedroom at 4 am most days.

6:30 pm : For the first time, I see Dumbo. It’s the neighborhood in Brooklyn whereDan Humphrey and his floppy-haired, Gin Blossoms-y dad lived on “Gossip Girl, ” despite being outlined as too good to live in any waterfront property.

I meet afriend to listen some live salsa music and watch babes dance( read: run in circles, mainly ). Here, sitting outside amonga cluster of Brooklyn children with cooler haircuts than me and their swank mothers who likely live in lofts nearby, a calm washes over me and I have the first substantial epiphany of my rebirth…

Friday, June 3: Fuck This Stupid Lifestyle Change

I don’t need to be better at living. I’m already amazingat living.

I have a relatively helpful magnitude from a commonwealth institution I begrudgingly attended following a substantial nervous breakdown at artwork school.

I have a task I enjoy and show up to every day in a semi-punctual, enthusiastic manner.

I have never missed a rent payment on anapartment I’m hesitantto show to gentleman callersbecause, fine, it’s like walking into an immersive trailer for “Grey Gardens.”

I have two floras in my room that, despite being half dead, are also half thriving.

I recently met, and then instantly deleted, two separate dating apps that attained me feel like a judgmental elitist/ future carnage victim.

I showered this morning.

Ihave a strong, positive relation with their own families, despite my mother’s evident outrage at the factI workfull time in an manufacture that substantiates my degree rather than livingin a youth hostel somewhere, elapsing my occasion doing whippets and watching old escapades of “Family Matters.”

I have never physically tortured or killed an animal or human, which I suspect is a concept the majority of members of us haven’t done, but that probably shouldn’t disrepute my achievement.

Self-improvement must be somewhat important, seeing as Americans waste billions of dollars per year trying to rift it, but perhaps, for the majority of us, it’s bullshit.

The version of adulthood I hoped to represent mine so many times is a fantasize that, formerly I actually tried to attain it, took me less than three days to vacate for something I basically understood from the beginning: Stop has become a dick.

Stop being a dick to strangers, to friends, to lineage, to your form, to your psyche, to the environment, to Anne Hathaway, to jerks and to enemies.

I’m tired, you guys. Life is tiring.

If waking up every morningat 4:45 am to shove a bunch of dry greens and ginger into a juicerbefore heading out for some cardio reaches you joyous, then experience your 9 am, in-office diarrhea break-dance knowing full well you’ve accomplishedsomething personally beneficial. If it doesn’t, fuck it.

Just don’t be a dick.

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