#no mental health services or pills will erase that I'm a pathetic garbage can of uselessness | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mcalhenwrites · 4 months ago

Text

I'm not going to pretend it doesn't make me angry that I spend months and years trying to peddle my work to make ends meet, that I spend so much time mentioning my books and comms and everything, and people ignore that consisently... But the moment I finally break under the hopelessness - when it's obvious that it's fucking futile, that almost no one deems my work good enough to share with anyone else - suddenly they're concerned and scolding me. I'm working several jobs, bathing, generally keeping things clean, and I do this with several health problems including chronic pain. I found out that one of my cysts is growing and I may need to have it surgically removed. Which means potentially missing work to recover. Which means more money I lose. I spend so much time crawling out of the hole and it goes ignored, but the moment I just give up bc I don't have any strength left, suddenly that's my fault and I'm mentally sick. And that kind of makes me wish my entire situation upon people, and when they whine that it's hard, well fuck you, you thought I could ace it so surely you can, babe! I hate being angry about this, but it's just so exhausting to tell people who accuse me of not trying that I HAVE I HAVE SO FUCKING HARD AND YOU DID NOT PAY ATTENTION THEN Or you know you're attempting to gaslight me by claiming I didn't try despite that I obviously have worked my ass off trying, and that's so much fucking worse

#mcalhen personal #and I'm not saying I'm not mentally ill but ffs stop using it as a weapon to discredit people when they have the solutions right there #feels like people hate my writing and me and that's why I didn't go “I got the job” bc friends who never support me would be like #“I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU CONGRATS” cool I'm not I spend an entire day usually recovering from very calm shifts at a job I like #but the moment I publish a book it's not congrats it's I don't know this guy I don't know Cal and I'm gonna pretend I never saw anything #I don't even hate my goddamn job even tho it can be stressful but it's the easiest thing for mostly just 2 days a week #but it is not sustainable and I cannot survive on this and disability would be invasive as hell and y'all don't know shit about how they #treat disabled people in this country but goddamn I have watched that shit unfold with my autistic brother who can't work #and I can never help him at this rate #bc I can't help myself #I can't help anyone #and saying that is a big fucking issue with people who think if they say 'it gets better keep going' I'll magically unfuck my life #as if I haven't spent the entirety of my life trying to unfuck things #as if I didn't give myself an education in spite of my family #y'all never been threatened with physical violence bc you weren't supposed to ask for school supplies and it fucking SHOWS #I have learned so many things on my own time out of sheer desire to better myself and my situation #but at a point where nothing works out and each day is just filled with more bad news #at what point am I actually allowed to give up?#or am I supposed to just keep this up until I die with 40 more years of collected bullshit pain #bc if you want me to live like this for 40 years then... you never cared at all #and what's so stupid is that I really want to earn my living by doing the work #I work on my art and writing but let's just admit that it's pathetic already #no mental health services or pills will erase that I'm a pathetic garbage can of uselessness #also I realize no one owes me anything like boosting my work or w/e #but also don't ask me to turn rotten ingredients into a feast and say I'm not trying when I can't fucking do it

2 notes · View notes