#no listen. just that very fucking phrase. 'child of dying culture' do you understand. do you fucking understand

[hinderr]

<- he needs to sink his teeth into flesh

[gayregis]

angouleme can have little a avuncular guidance. as a treat ... heres some semblance of a compilation of regis being a guardian to angouleme, things i think about . both funnie and sad moments included i think

angouleme sneaks out at night to get into trouble / does other questionable things around the palace nocturnally, regis always catches her and it’s always on accident since they just have very similar time schedules. angouleme stares at him intensely in “oh fuck i just got caught” like O_O for a good 30 seconds EVERY time this happens but regis is just like :| and shrugs saying “i didn’t see anything, i’m a human, i can’t see at night or whatever” and walks off. also the next morning geralt always questions him as to what angouleme was doing, if he saw her when he was coming home, and regis always denies knowledge or says smth along the lines of “i’m not a narc, geralt :/”

angouleme yelling/losing her shit/saying wildly inappropriate things ... regis produces a ye olde granola bar from his bag and gives it to her and she quiets down immediately and is like :) content eating the granola bar. you can also substitute the granola bar with a bag of baby carrots.

similarly angouleme saying crazy shit and geralt telling her to be quiet and asking regis to recount this instead and regis says something incredibly similar/the exact same

that one time that milva was teaching angouleme to shoot and angouleme clear missed the target and got regis instead and actually for the first time was incredibly upset and regretful and guilty that she had inflicted pain and potentially death upon someone and was very worried and apologetic and ashamed ... but also when regis inevitably just plucks out the arrow and hands it back to her and says “oh i think this is yours” angouleme is like wait so he litcherally cant be killed... this is epic

basically angouleme who’s been abandoned having an immortal protector and mentor. peace

as i said in the tags of this post here: regis comes of as so peaceful as an individual that at first angouleme resents him a little, because she associates peace with arrogance... like, oh youre content with your life and dont hate yourself? so you think youre better than me? fucker. and she’s so used to asshole men being creeps in her life that this company still seems really bizarre in the regard that none of these men are dangerous. but then she learns about what ... who ... regis was in the past and she realizes that they’re similar, and then does the math and realizes that maybe one day she’ll also find this inner peace and can stop hating herself so much for the things she’s done and the things that have happened to her. angouleme not feeling as though she's so alone and such a fuckup that only she could ever get into such a mess like this... i feel like she has an unhealthy amount of survivor’s guilt, as in she blames herself for not dying while everyone else in her band did, and she also feels like what the world has given her she deserved because she was a fundamentally bad person from birth bc of her status, and that she will be stuck in this violent hellscape of a life forever and thats just how it is and she has to continue violence... but i think when she meets regis (and also milva) she realizes that violence does not need to be a cycle and change is possible.

also in the tags of that post: i think... regis developing more understanding/empathy and putting ethical philosophy into actual practice where it actually has stakes (haha haha haha stakes haha haha haha haha haha). i think in the hansa he learns what humanity actually means

also bc vampires just... do not parent, it’s not in their culture to, regis learning what guardianship actually means and growing into this position where he protects this child and begins to understand humanity on this deeper level of the feeling of protecting a child, because that’s very human, valuing and protecting the progenity for a new generation is incredibly human

also geralt arguing with regis that “humans don’t regrow their heads” so he can’t just be supporting her doing all sorts of dumb shit just bc he did it and he turned out alright... they kind of have to argue on how to parent i’m saying bc again vampire parenting is not much parenting at all. just let them go wild what’s the worst that could happen... they’ll learn sort of thing. so regis has to confront the idea of human fragility and mortality

i think regis also learns from angouleme in that it’s very easy to hate and loathe your past self and curse your past self, asking “what could i have possibly been thinking, what an idiotic thing to do...” when your past self was not actually devoid of any redeemable qualities and was actually just misguided and without hope... regis condemns his past self quite harshly but because he would never admonish angouleme in such a way i think he realizes that the self-loathing is excessive and unproductive and potentially harmful

i said this in a post already, but geralt is overflowing with fatherly vibes and milva is also stern so i think there is a lot of value in regis to angouleme , in that she can tell him practically anything and he won’t get on her case for it . she finds this kind of amnesty in him whereas with the other members of the hansa they’d freak and start asking her all these questions. regis is just like “hm ok” and maybe discusses a little but doesn’t give her shit for it. this allows angouleme to confide a lot of stuff that she wouldn’t normally feel safe to tell someone else, and also probably gets her out of a lot of trouble bc someone (a very powerful someone) will know where she is and what she’s doing... so if she gets into trouble, she has a lifeline

this also means she can tell him a lot of funnie stories that she doesn’t have to stop herself with because “was gonna say smth funny and then remembered it involved murder.” also regis has like a thousand stories too obviously so he counters her wild tales with smth even crazier and then they’ll try to compete for a bit like “well ONE TIME i...” but angouleme actually always wins and neither knows how she does

surgery lessons, or basically regis was sewing someone up and angouleme invaded the scene going “can i watch can i watch”

also alchemy lessons, which turns into basically “so that’s how you make fisstech... interesting”

i think also in these mentorships regis quizzes her lightly like “and what reactions does this species of plant produce in the human body...?” and angouleme says the right answer, “oh they drop dead” and regis is like “very good!” and angouleme kind of goes insane with happiness a little at being called ‘good’ / being praised by a parental figure for maybe like one of the first times in her life. similarly, i think regis would attest to angouleme’s character at the breakfast table in discussions, and say things like “well our angouleme is very smart” and she’d be like >:3!!!

as in canon, adopting each other’s speech mannerisms... not just regis adopting angouleme’s unique phrases, but i would also like to think abt angouleme saying smth pseudo-philosophical to throw someone off of her tracks... like “so, i owe you money... but what is the concept of debt and ownership, anyways? isn’t it all just a construct by society? by humanity?” and then she bolts and evades her creditors

regis trying to teach angouleme stuff and then being like “oh wait i forgot you can’t fly, hmm... ” “oh wait i forgot you can’t hypnotize people, hmm....... that complicates things...” ... jokes on regis though bc apparently angouleme can scale buildings and talk her way out of a lot of situations, so that’s almost as good as flight and hypnosis

im trying to not be sad rn but i think regis would be a very good person to cry on. like his cloak is very soft. and he smells like herbs. so there you go. but i think also angouleme having a breakdown would be cathartic for both of them because angouleme realizes that she’s being vulnerable around an adult and she isn’t afraid of them and regis realizes that he has a responsibility to not treat physical wounds, but rather to treat emotional ones and that’s infinitely more difficult

i think angouleme would have breakdowns to regis about: her family/her mother, geralt taking her into the hansa but she feels like he probably just sees her as a replacement daughter, i think also she gets into too much trouble one night and regis has to get her out of trouble and she kind of just breaks down because her life is crazy and has always been crazy and there’s no way out because this is all she has

i think angouleme also gets pretty upset at seeing children/teens with “perfect lives,” like she just gets crazy bitter about it... and there’s no shortage of nobility around the palace, so she’s constantly reminded of her background. i think regis’s not-being-a-human-isms and philosophy that stems from an immortal perspective that all humans are equal in life and death can help with this. but also he kind of has to learn that you can’t just talk about smth abt society or the past that is fucked up and solve it by having had said it... it will always remain an issue...

i also think that regis has his ravens scout around for angouleme’s lost pendant with a sea-cat on it, but when she gets it back she gets mad and says that she doesn’t want it because she doesn’t want to be reminded of her mother, regis is like “ok” but angouleme is still mad, she realizes she’s mad because she doesn;t think that regis realizes that he’s actually become more of a guardian to her than her biological mother was, and tries to provoke him but regis is unprovokable ofc so he’s like hm explain that and angouleme just spills her emotions

to bring this back to happy i think they could also prank geralt pretty hard. and or eavesdrop. plus there will be times like where angouleme is waiting by a door trying to listen in and straining and regis stands like 3 feet from the door and hears everything perfectly, just recites it all aloud and she’s like oh this is so much easier. 

also once angouleme was eavesdropping on geralt and dandelion arguing and regis approached and was like “angouleme :/” and angouleme was like >:/ “get out of here i’m tryna eavesdrop” and regis was like “there’s a more professional way to do this” and disappears through the door, angouleme is like “showoff!” ... geralt smells sage and throws a moon dust bomb at him and regis coughs up silver shards for the rest of the day. also when angouleme hears the explosion she jumps in, so this was a failed attempt all around

[mistress-audios-babies]

Jameson Rivera (Gang 1)

Basic Character Questions

First name: Jameson.

 Surname: Rivera.

 Nicknames: Jamie, Heroine, GlooDick, basically anything else sexual themed.

Date of birth: 26 February 1994.

 Age: 26.

 Physical / Appearance

Height: 197cm.

 Weight: 61kg.

 Build: Very skinny, tall build. He could be considered unhealthily thin by some, and ideal to others.

 Hair colour: Ginger with blond streaks

 Hair style: Big fluffy at front?

 Eye colour: Forest Green.

 Eye shape: Protruding/prominent.

 Distinguishing facial features: Beginning of gauntness. Acne/scars. Flared skin under nose. Pupil dilation/distant look. Sores in mouth corners. Perpetual runny nose. Some gold teeth. Set of rounded scars on right cheek.

 Which facial feature is most prominent: His acne.

 Which bodily feature is most prominent: His weight.

 Other distinguishing features: Self-harm scars on his hips and legs. Skin-picking injuries. Unhealthy pallor. Needle tracks on arms.  

 Skin: Unhealthy pallor. Self-harm scars. Acne/scars. Flared skin under nose. Skin-picking injuries. Needle tracks. Cigar burns on inner arms. Rounded scars on right cheek. Old scalding burn spread across torso. Thin.

 Hands: Very soft. Long fingers. Old burns on palms.

 Make up: Light eyeliner and eye shadow. Light blush to cheeks. Foundation. Red lipstick often.

 Piercings: Triple forward helix. Rook. Daith. Tragus. Orbital. Standard lobe. All black.

 Scars: Acne scars. Self-harm scars on hips and legs. Skin-picking injuries. Needle tracks on arms. Cigar burns on arm. Rounded scars on right cheek.

 Birthmarks: Brown mark on right shoulder blade.

 Tattoos: Heroine on his lower back, with red X’s and a bag of heroin under it.

 Physical handicaps: Coeliac Disease. Mild muscular wastage. Brittle bones.

 Type of clothes: Black-banded white fedora with feather (eventually given by Elijah). Light pink crop top sweater. Short white skirt. Black fishnet leggings. White leather thigh high platform boots. Black leather garters. White tennis shoes when not working, or bunny slippers. Simple nightdresses to bed. He is cold often, and wears giant woolen jumpers often. Retro pink suit for formal wear, white crop top with handmarks over chest, rainbow bow-tie, simple black dress pants and black boots loaned by Elijah.

 How do they wear their clothes: He will start the day looking proper, but will put no effort into keeping it that way.

 What are their feet like? (type of shoes, state of shoes, socks, feet, pristine, dirty, worn, etc): White leather thigh high platform boots on work. White tennis shoes while in public. Bunny slippers/bare feet when at home. His shoes are noticeably old, but they are relatively reliant. Blisters on feet. Feet perpetually sore.

 Race / Ethnicity: Caucasian Australian.

 Mannerisms: Australian accent. Dark sense of humour. Perverse. Nasally voice. No volume awareness at times. Emotional quickly. Joker despite deep unhappiness. Easy to lose track of thoughts. Swears frequently.

Are they in good health: He is a heroin abuser and has autoimmune disorders and deficiencies.

 Do they have any disabilities: Chronic HIV disease (untreated). Coeliac disease. Severe anaemia. Bad lungs. Muscles and bone wastage.

 Personality

What words or phrases do they overuse: Sexual words and phrases like, “We getting spun as fuck.” He also overuses vines.

                                                                             Do they have a catchphrase: “Let me be the heroine of your story.”

 Are they more optimistic or pessimistic: He is extremely pessimistic at his root.

 Are they introverted or extroverted: Rather extroverted.

 Do they ever put on airs: He’s self-sufficient and would rather others not see him in a place of vulnerability.

 What bad habits do they have: Does doing heroin count lol? Or self-harm? Smoking. Drinking to excess at times. Swearing excessively. Extremely distasteful humour at times. Picking his scabs. Stimming? Over-obsession.

 What makes them laugh out loud: Extremely dark to extremely childish. And meme culture.

 How do they display affection: Many times he cannot voice it, and while trying to he forgets to physically show it. At other times he is big and boisterous with both his words and actions and it can get overbearing.

 Mental handicaps: Mild Asperger’s. PTSD. Heroin addiction. Suicidality. Mild drug-induced psychosis (when using).

How do they want to be seen by others: His conditioning makes him crave being desirable, being sexy. He truly wants to be someone people want to be around.

 How do they see themselves: He sees himself as some used toy that will just be thrown out when he stops delivering results in some way, and if he cannot be liked in some way (either as a fuck or a funny face), he isn’t meant to be with anyone. Be useful, or don’t bother.

 How are they seen by others: To his clients he is perfection in every sense of the word. To those he works for he is moot. To others, he is the drug addict prostitute who is sometimes funny. To those that matter, he is more.

 Strongest character trait: His funny outlook and his truly giving soul.

 Weakest character trait: His desperation for approval and use to others that can remove from his individuality and growth.

 How competitive are they: He has only ever known being in competition with others, however that may be, and so he will compete to his dying breath to be better than those around him who have always been made out to be more than he ever will be.

 Do they make snap judgements or take time to consider: He is extremely rash and will make decisions fast without deliberating them.

 How do they react to praise: He grins really big and flaps his hands in what he calls ‘happy hands’. He usually squeals too and jumps around. He does not know how to handle it in a mature manner.

                                                           How do they react to criticism: He silently takes it, and he usually disassociates for a while afterwards beyond what can be helped.

 What is their greatest fears: His mother. His pimp. Heavy rings. Anything hot. Unfamiliar/unwanted touch.

What are their biggest secrets: His HIV diagnosis. His past.

 What is their philosophy of life: You live and you die, try and make someone happy in between.

 When was the last time they cried: One of his clients had whacked him across the face while working, and to feel it from someone else made him start sobbing. He had been put back onto the street without pay. This was two days ago.

 What haunts them: His childhood.

 What are their political views: He is extremely left leaning.

 What will they stand up for: Human rights. He especially stands for gender equality, and eradication of homophobia, and mental health stigma, as these directly pertain to him.

 Who do they quote: Generally pop culture and memes/vines.

 Are they indoorsy or outdoorsy: He loves nature and being outside, he considers wooded areas and open fields as his happy place.

 What is their sinful little habit: Heroin/drinking/smoking.

 What sense do they most rely on: Touch and sight.

 How do they treat people better than them: He grovels and submits generally.

 How do they treat people worse than them: He feels no one is worse than him.

 What quality do they most value in a friend: Patience and wit.

 What do they consider an overrated virtue: Ambition.

 If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be: His constant need for usefulness.

 What is their obsession: The internet and plants.

 What are their pet peeves: Virtue signalling.

 What are their idiosyncrasies: Always having to be busy. Night owl. Always alert. His sinful habits having a schedule that he has to abide by.

 Friends and Family

Is their family big or small? Who does it consist of: Very small. His mother and him. He does not know anyone else, except for the many men she fucked and forgot about.

 What is their perception of family: Maybe if he had been dealt better cards he would have a higher opinion of it. As it is, it’s entirely overrated and he cannot understand why anyone would give a single fuck about it.

 Describe their best friend: She’s from a gardening club member who always has sweets for him every week and laughs at all of his jokes. She’s so easy to be around and happy-go-lucky that that cant help but be rubbed off on him while around her. She is always the highlight of his Tuesdays, and he is always extremely saddened to leave her. He feels he owes her nothing but all he already is.

 Ideal best friend: Everything his best friend is.

 Describe their other friends: He doesn’t really consider his fellow workers as friends, and if they were they would be surface level and wholly supportive of the profession they are in.

 Describe their acquaintances: Generally he cannot relate to others and empathise, and this makes it extremely difficult to even become acquaintances.

 Who are their natural allies: His fellow workers.

 Who are their surprising allies: Some of his clients.

 Past and Future

What was your character like as a baby? As a child: He had a childlike innocence while a baby, but he grew up very fast living in the kind of household he was. He acted out often and was extremely bitter and angry from a young age. He didn’t understand what his own brain was, and acted out in physical aggression often as a result of everything.

 Did they grow up rich or poor: They had some money, but his mother basically never spent it on anything but herself.

 Did they grow up nurtured or neglected: He was extremely neglected and abused as a child.

 What is the most offensive thing they ever said: He left his mother a note when he left in the night saying simply, ‘fuck you’.

 What is their greatest achievement: He helped another child at school who was going through similar things as him and gave him someone who would listen.

 What was their first kiss like: The boy who he had been helping had begun getting attractions to him and vice versa, and they had been walking down the street at night on their way to the boys house after sharing a joint in the park when the boy had stopped him, before thrusting him against the wall beside them and passionately kissing him. It had frightened him at first, but it felt so right and so beautiful that he couldn’t stop. This truly showed Jameson what he was afraid of at the time: he was gay.

 What is the worst thing they did to someone they loved: He took it too far with the boy, then being boyfriends, while they were making love the first time, doing some of the things he had learnt from his mother and the many men she had let into the house. He had hurt him, and he had begged for Jameson to stop and he had immediately. Jameson had burst into tears and the other boy was already crying. They hugged it out and the boy had reassured him it was okay, but he never truly forgave himself for it.

 What are their ambitions: Ambitions are for the privileged.

 What advice would they give their younger self: Do not ever believe you deserve the bad things that have happened to you.

 What smells remind them of their childhood: Wood stoves and the dust of the school broom cupboards.

 What was their childhood ambition: To be working in medicine in some way.

 What is their best childhood memory: His first kiss.

 What is their worst childhood memory: There are too many to count, but he would say when his mother locked him in a cupboard when she finally found out his sexuality, shoving only gluten-containing food in and not allowing him access to a bathroom. His coeliac made him incredibly sick from the food and what he did as a result began to fill the space. She was spun during this, and forgot he was in there for at least two days, in which he used the rest of his phone battery to message his boyfriend to get him out. Their relationship was entirely forbidden by his boyfriends parents as well, and the both of them never went back home.

 Did they have an imaginary childhood friend: He had many to try and escape his reality.

 When was the last time they were crushed with disappointment: When his favourite show ended; a needed distraction from the abstract dystopia his day-to-day was.

 What past act are they most ashamed of: When he went too far and hurt his boyfriend.

 What past act are they most proud of: His decision to not go home, despite not seeing much reprieve of the horrors life can present.

 Has anyone ever saved their life: His boyfriend saved him from dying in that cupboard, and he jumped in front of the bullet that ended him.

 Strongest childhood memory: He remembers distinctly the moment one of his mother’s men had been stabbed by her. He had hidden in his room at the sound of struggle, and then had heard his name being called. He had cautiously made his way to her, seeing her out of breath and very obviously tweaking. She had shockingly hugged him, and she had looked down at him and said the following words, “Mummy loves her little boy. Please, don’t ever make mummy mad enough. She just can’t help herself…”

He then remembers being sent to stay at his boyfriends place when a bunch of policemen came to the house, and he later found out his mother had been arguing with the man over her many charged felonies, and about whether he should be taken from her care. Jameson didn’t know the man had cared, and then he was gone. He remembers never sleeping with his back to the door after that, and reading up on in secret ways to defend against a knife attack.

 Love

Do they believe in love at first sight: With his mental state, he subscribes more to the notion of latch at first sight.

 Are they in a relationship: He was right before the beginning of the book, with his first from school. His name was Sedik Mahlunga.

 What is their sexuality: Entirely and unapologetically gay!

 How do they behave in a relationship: Each meaningful relationship he has is under critical lens, as he doesn’t trust others to not hurt him. It takes an extremely long time for him to not be cold and hostile to others, and as of yet he really has only had two good relationships with people. He is extremely giving and compassionate with those he deems as good, loving within an inch of his life.

 When did you character last have sex: He has sex every single day on the job.

 What sort of sex do they have: He does not have any identity of his own on this front; he does whatever the other person wants, and that’s it. This can range from gentle to incredibly violent to labile to kinky.

 Has your character ever been in love: He was and still is entirely in love with Sedik, and it kills him that that had to be taken so quickly.

 Have they ever had their heart broken: When Sedik was murdered.

 Conflict

How do they respond to a threat: He is numb to some threats now, but he always badly disassociates afterwards.

 Are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue: He has been conditioned to physically defend himself when the need arises, and sometimes when it doesn’t. This is something he is trying to unlearn.

 What is your character’s kryptonite: Mention of his mother’s/pimp’s name. While typically doesn’t fully break down, his adrenaline propels him for the rest of the day.

 If your character could only save one thing from their burning house, what would it be: From their childhood home, his phone, and the brothel, his boyfriend.

 How do they perceive strangers: Fuck or threat.

 What do they love to hate: Many religious groups for their discriminatory teachings.

 What are their phobias: His mother. His pimp. Heavy rings. Anything hot. Unfamiliar/unwanted touch.

 What is their choice of weapon: He uses whatever is available to him at the time. His own fists are only good to defend, and sometimes not even that much, and he must make do.

 What living person do they most despise: His mother.

 Have they ever been bullied or teased: He wasn’t very well liked by those he hurt in school, but he was never really bullied and he was considered a popular boy.

 Where do they go when they’re angry: A wooded area off to the side of a park that’s close to his brothel. He feels calm here, and free.

 Who are their enemies and why: The other workers as they are always in constant competition with one another to be the most valuable.

 Work, Education and Hobbies

What is their current job: Sex worker.

 What do they think about their current job: He enjoys it to a degree, but he also doesn’t know anything else, and he doesn’t know how much he could enjoy other work.

 What are their hobbies: He enjoys writing and listening to Broadway plays in his spare time and outdoor activities such as gardening and nature walks. He has not had much time to fully broaden his horizons with all the hobbies one could acquire by his age.

 Educational background: He completed Grade 12 and did poorly.

 Intelligence level: He doesn’t lack intelligence, but he hasn’t been given the proper tools to let this show.

 Do they have a natural talent for something: He’s incredibly good at remembering things and can recite whole movies on the spot with added music and sound effects.

 What is their socioeconomic status: He is living in near squalor.

 Favourites

What is their favourite animal: Porcupines.

 Which animal do they dislike the most: Horses.

 What place would they most like to visit: South Africa so he can see his boyfriends home firsthand.

 What is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen: His boyfriend when he broke him from the cupboard.

 What is their favourite song: Soldier, Poet, King.

 Music, art, reading preferred: Broadway-style and Singer-Songwriter/cartoony/comedy and young adult fiction.

 What is their favourite colour: Yellow, and rainbow~

 What is their password: GayRights69.

 Favourite food: Anything sweet! He especially likes chocolates, gluten-free muffins and ice cream.

 What is their favourite work of art: David statue.

 Who is their favourite artist: Vivziepop.

 What is their favourite day of the week: Tuesday.

 Possessions

What is in their fridge: He shares a fridge with seven other workers, and the only things that are his are the gluten-free items and some of the vodka. Most of the food is provided, but he has to go out of his way with his condition to get safe options.

 What is on their bedside table: He didn’t take much from his house, and all he keeps on it is his phone, a picture of him and his boyfriend, condoms, cigarettes, bags of heroin, and the ring he had bought to propose with with his first month’s pay. Most of his pay goes directly to his pimp, and it took him that long not buying anything else and finding one of the cheapest available.

 What is in their car: He has never learned to drive.

 What is in their bin: General rubbish and condom wrappers.

 What is in their purse or wallet: Money, condoms, library card, cigarettes, his dealer’s card, illegal prescription pain killers, pictures of him and Sedik, and his gardener membership card.

 What is in their pockets: Condom/wrappers, at least one emergency sweet for when his energy dips, wrappers, loose tips, and his phone.

 What is their most treasured possession: His pictures of him and Sedik.

 Spirituality

Who or what is your character’s guardian angel: Sedik, but his cynical side says it’s the drugs.

 Do they believe in the afterlife: If there is, which he doubts, he believes he’s going straight to Hell.

 What are their religious views: He rejects religion for himself personally, and doesn’t mind some religions on there own, but the people and how they advocate for them ruins the entire thing for him.

 What do they think heaven is: A lie people tell themselves to justify their sometimes abhorrent behaviour to others.

 What do they think hell is: The world we were all set to endure.

 Are they superstitious: Not particularly.

 What would they like to be reincarnated as: A prophylactic.

 How would they like to die: In a timely fashion.

 What is your character’s spirit animal: He doesn’t believe in such things.

 What is their zodiac sign: Pisces.

 Values

What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person: Keep them from being who they are.

 What is their view of ‘freedom’: To live unapologetically and love without restraint.

 When did they last lie: When he told his last client that he was feeling up to providing his service a day ago.

 What’s their view of lying: His whole life has been a lie he’s struggled to keep, and he’s never known that truth is best, so he’s comfortable and content in this way.

 When did they last make a promise: A day ago, when he promised his client that they were in for a night beyond what they could ever comprehend.

 Did they keep or break their last promise: More or less kept.

 Daily life

What are their eating habits: Right now he eats whatever he can that is keeping with his allergies. He relies heavily on sugary foods. He doesn’t enjoy fatty foods generally and eats greens when he has access to them, but sugar is definitely an issue with him.

 Do they have any allergies: He has Coeliac Disease.

 Describe their home: He lives in a brothel with seven other girls. This is defined as a relatively moderately sized shed in their pimp’s backyard, with seven tiny rooms and a small common area where they all congregate when not working, this including an extremely small kitchen. Any other ‘luxuries’, they have to pay their pimp in ‘favours’ to receive, and they are held in his house, such as watching TV and taking showers. He tries to spend as much time as he can out of the brothel, but he cannot go very much further than the yard most times when not working, and he would rather not be in the yard by himself where his pimp could punish him.

 Are they minimalist or a clutter hoarder: He doesn’t own a lot of stuff.

 What do they do first thing on a weekday morning: He has a morning smoke and brews some tea.

 What do they do on a Sunday afternoon: He likes to take walks once he’s off work, and drinks a hot chocolate once he’s back. He usually rests after this; he never has any energy, and his job, habits, and illnesses take the last of it he has.

 What do they do on a Friday night: He gets totally wasted, abusing heroin and drinking until he physically can’t anymore, almost always ending in him passing out in a puddle of his own sick face down on the floor.

 What is the soft drink of choice: Creaming Soda.

 What is their alcoholic drink of choice: Vodka mainly.

 Miscellaneous

What is their character archetype: Jester/Lover.

 Who is their hero: Sedik.

 What or who would your character dress up as for Halloween: Angel Dust.

 Are they comfortable with technology: He is perfectly comfortable and even excels generally.

 If they could save one person, who would it be: Sedik, no questions asked. Thus far, there is no one in this world he cares about more than him.

 If they could call one person for help, who would it be: Sedik.

 What is their favourite proverb: It is what it is.

 What is their greatest extravagance: His sinful habits undoubtedly, most of his waning money is spent on these things.

 What is their greatest regret: Not doing anything as Sedik took the bullet for him. He was sick from the drugs and what had occurred before, and was barely aware of what was going on, but remembers extremely clearly the sound of the gun, and then Sedik crumpling in front of him.

 What is their perception of redemption: When they give no reason for you to doubt their words.

 What would they do if they won the lottery: He would leave the country and start over somewhere else, somewhere his mother and his pimp can’t find him.

 What is their favourite fairytale: He never learnt any fairy tales as a kid, and doesn’t bother with them as an adult.

 Do they believe in happy endings: He desperately wants to believe, and there is some semblance of faith still in him believes it truly can be.

 What is their idea of perfect happiness: Being free.

 What would they ask a fortune teller: If Sedik is at peace.

 If your character could travel through time, where would they go: He would travel to where ‘flower power’ was just coming into the public eye, and aid in the protests and rallies going on at the time.

 What sport do they excel at: He doesn’t really do much in the way of sports, but he does take walks.

 What sport do they suck at: Most honestly, he’s not a well person.

 If they could have a superpower, what would they choose: The power of invisibility.

[anarchistsuggestion]

hey, vaccinate your kids you jerks!!!

thanks for coming to my essay! now that i have your attention, i think we should stop talking about anti-vaxxers like theyre all backwards hyper-religious dumbasses. like, im frustrated too, and i agree that "personal/religious reasons" should not allow someone to keep their kids unvaccinated. furthermore, as an autistic person, i despise the myth that vaccines cause autism. i especially hate that it scares people into avoiding vaccines, because theres nothing wrong with me.

but ridiculing these people will only make the problem worse, and here's why: i think that a lot of anti-vaxxers and their communities are used to feeling like the most important aspects of their cultural identities are universally mocked or demonised (im not qualified to say whether these feelings reflect reality in every case, but either way im just talking about feelings, ie, what people think we believe about their culture). for instance, my only knowledge of amish people comes from jokes ive seen others make about them. yes, none of these jokes were very serious, and its easy for me to laugh at them because im not amish, but despite my low empathy i can understand that it just feels bad to hear a whole bunch of jokes about something important to you. i'll get back to this point in a moment.

anyway, i bring up the amish because in 2014, there were measles outbreaks in some amish communities in Ohio. and i think that a lot of the people who dont vaccinate their kids are used to being ridiculed for their "weird" or "new age" or "hyper-religious" or "unchristian" lifestyles, so they just see our concern as more of that mockery. we all sound the same to them, and cant you see why?

"ughh all these people ignoring science and being stubborn about vaccines because their church said--" you sound like one of those atheists. if you cant say anything productive, please stay out of the discussion. why do you act like ridiculing people will change their minds? we should be reaching out, instead.

we need to make the effort to approach anti-vaxxers in a way that distinguishes us from those who only converse with them to mock them.

i want more people to understand that the best way to change someone's mind when they're defensive is by listening. you need to be willing to accept whatever they might rant about, and respect that, even if their fears seem ridiculous, even if their fears are rooted in ableism, their fears still terrify them. thats why theyre called fears. you can validate someone's feelings of anxiety and confusion without validating their bigotry, and you must be willing to accept that this is work. this is difficult. it's much, much harder than yelling your opinions. it's exhausting, and sometimes it doesn't even pay off. sometimes you just can't convince somebody, and you have to be able to accept that.

if this seems too hard for you, i have good news: you do not have to do it. this kind of thing is not for everyone, and it's okay if you just don't want to. this doesn't have to be your responsibility.

i only ask that you stop making things worse by (performatively, in the case of yall who arent in danger of dying/losing a loved one to a preventable disease) mocking anti-vaxxers, because we are the ones who need something from them. we are asking them to face their fears (which were sometimes instilled in them very early in their childhood) for the good of humanity. i don't know about all of you, but i'd be hesitant at best to face even my third worst fear (spiders) for the sake of strangers who regularly mock my culture and heritage, and i know for a fact that most spiders cannot harm me!

this is natural. this is human. it is easy to dismiss things you dont understand, and it's even easier to dismiss them when all the scientific evidence agrees with you. however, your evidence does not make these people's experiences and fears less real for them. it does not lessen the effect their fear has on their choices. knowing that a tarantula won't hurt me if i follow certain guidelines will not stop me from shaking and having a breakdown if i think too hard about touching one. knowing that nothing bad would happen doesn't motivate me to go over to the science building at my college and ask to hold their fucking tarantula.

there are no shortcuts here. if we want anti-vaxxers to accept vaccines and stop putting so much effort towards keeping their children unvaccinated, we have to convince them that they don't need to be afraid of vaccines. we need to actually address their concerns. telling them their fears are ridiculous is just not convincing no matter how much scientific evidence you have. this discussion has become too performative. people just tell anti-vaxxers to vaccinate their kids, and they dont bother to address the fear that motivates their opponents. they don't care that they're asking people to trust a yelling internet stranger with their child's health.

it is inconsiderate to demand things from people without stopping to think about what you're asking for. please think about it from their point of view. if vaccines were dangerous, and they vaccinated their kids, then anything bad that happened to their kids due to the vaccines would be their responsibility. and remember, these people have not been given a convincing reason to believe vaccines are harmless. okay? they do not want to be at fault for their children getting hurt. yes, they are wrong. yes, they are frustrating. yes, they are endangering immunocompromised people like my dad, but there is a huge difference between being malicious and being misguided. please do not treat them like they set out to hurt you.

also? stop telling them to care about other people when you don't care enough about them to respect that they're doing their best with the resources they have. stop saying "i dont know how to explain to you that you should care about other people" when you really just want them to magically stop being scared. maybe you say it out of genuine frustration and bewilderment, but when everyone is saying it, it comes across like a smug 'gotcha!' phrase that excuses you from spending more energy on the debate. you can just say youre tired and stop.

i am trying to explain to you that you should care that these people have felt scammed/hurt by the medical industry enough times that they feel justified in risking the health of their whole family (assuming they even think vaccines work). you should care that theyve never been given a convincing reason to trust remedies promoted by rich strangers who make claims that sound too good to be true. the government has promoted harmful things to underprivileged people before, like milk (it took me a half hour to sift through unrelated stuff about soy milk to confirm this, so i'll go ahead and link my source). it is logical to mistrust an industry that operates for the profit of people youve never met. not everyone trusts the FDA to keep the pharmaceutical industry in check, and it's actually pretty smart to rely on direct accounts from people you know personally when you aren't sure how well something actually works, and you dont trust the ones selling it to you.

with that in mind, talking to people is probably the best way to tackle this issue, but many of you haven't bothered to compile introductory information about vaccines. you havent bothered to present these resources in a way that doesn't ridicule people who are scared. i am trying to explain to you that you shouldn't debate with people if you won't treat them like humans. i am trying to explain to you that "you dont actually care about others" is a hurtful and manipulative sentiment, and when you say it to people who are trying their best, you become part of the problem. you reinforce their mistrust. i am trying to explain to you that trusting doctors doesnt make you morally superior.

put yourself in their shoes for a moment. imagine that someone comes up to you and makes it clear that they think the choices you've made as a parent are ridiculous. they make claims about your child without offering proof, or the only proof they offer also mocks you and people like you (or they just tell you to "google it"). furthermore, they tell you that unless you give in, something bad will happen to their own children, and it will be your fault.

this is manipulative. even if you are correct, it is manipulative. demanding that someone treat their child in a way that they consider harmful is just ridiculous and i don't know why you expect people to listen to you. do you expect this to be easy? do you honestly believe that if someone isn't converted within minutes, they're just being stubborn? do you think these people know the truth, and only persist out of spite?

these questions are necessary, because many of you talk about anti-vaxxers as though the answer is 'yes.' there is a difference between being correct and treating people right. please be more aware of that line in the future, and do your best not to cross it.

oh, and by the way, if i see any of you using this year's measles outbreaks as an excuse to be hateful towards jewish people, i will block and report you. antivaxxers usually arent malicious, and if you perceive orthodox jewish antivaxxers as being worse than other antivaxxers, you need to rethink your beliefs. they arent rejecting vaccines just to hurt you. maybe theyre tired of being demonised and blamed for everything from climate change to unemployment to dead kids*, and theyre unwilling to trust random people with something as important as the health of their children when a lot of us have never bothered to listen to their struggles. (* ive seen a whole lot of people saying things that border on blood libel without quite involving blood during these discussions, so can we all agree to be careful not to do anything that resembles that shit now that ive provided a handy link about what it is? thanks)

lastly, all of this criticism of anti-anti-vaxxers is very easy for me to say because i have less of a personal stake in the issue. i know it must hurt in a way i can't currently understand to lose someone to a preventable disease. if i have made anyone feel dismissed or invalidated in this essay post, i'm sorry for doing so, and i want to make it clear that it is okay if you hate anti-vaxxers. i know their fear has hurt you, and i wouldn't ask you to pretend otherwise. i dont want to make any of you feel like you shouldn't talk about your experiences and fears. i'm just asking that, before you hit the post button, you read through your post and edit out anything manipulative or guilt-trippy. your contributions to this conversation are valuable, and i want the people youre trying to convince to be able to read them without feeling like they have to defend themselves instead of listening to you. the culture around this debate has become almost hostile, and while we dont all need to work directly with anti-vaxxers to make it better, we do all need to agree to stop making it worse.

[inside-aut-blog]

Autistic Caleb Widogast

Part One

Caleb Widogast of D&D web series Critical Role is widely recognized by the fan community as autistic-coded. There are many, many, many reasons why, and with the episodes numbering well into the dozens it would take several paragraphs to expound on on all of them.

So here’s the first in a series of posts doing precisely that.

EPISODE ONE:

There isn’t much here in episode one, but there is this:

Caleb uses stereotypically autistic speech patterns in the very first conversation he has in the show. Nott draws it to a close with “All right, well, that’s on the to-do list,” and Caleb immediately mirrors her phrasing with “All right, well, let’s get something to eat then.”

Later, down in the bar, Beau asks Nott if she is cold. Caleb misinterprets this to mean “Why are you wrapped up?” and subsequently explains, very defensively, that Nott is a goblin and obviously goblins are not well-liked in these parts and that is why she is wrapped up and Beau should drop it—which is, uh, pretty much the definition of blunt oversharing, no?

Caleb also, for the first time, shares his magic cat with someone else as an expression of kindness and a kind of second-hand socializing. Beau notes immediately that it’s “kind of therapeutic”; right away, Frumpkin is coded as an emotional support animal. (It helps that he takes Frumpkin absolutely everywhere, often choosing to carry him on his shoulders when he can just as easily pop him in and out of the general vicinity with a snap of his fingers.)

Still later, Jester rearranges one of the shops they visit, and Caleb grows nervous the moment he notices it (“A bit of nerves begin to brew up”). On the one hand, this is probably because he’s afraid of getting in trouble with the shopowner, but on the other: getting anxious at the sight of slight changes in your surroundings is pretty quintessentially autistic.

EPISODE TWO:

Caleb offers to give Nott his cat as a distraction from her urges to steal. Once again, Frumpkin is coded as an emotional support animal. And, on top of this, Caleb seems to hold the idea that—well, he helps me, so obviously he’ll help you too!

Nott reassures Caleb that they can leave the group at the drop of a hat if they need to. “They’ll never know who we were,” she says. “...Caleb and Nott,” he says, responding both literally and with a touch of confusion.

Caleb calls a man’s novel “trashy” and seems to realize a second too late that it was rude; he tacks on a very hasty “No judgement.”

Caleb compliment’s Beau’s muscles very awkwardly.

Caleb goes on to say, “We have been in the woods for too long. I’ve forgotten how to talk to people.” And sure, spending time away from society can make people a little weird. But needing practice to maintain basic social skills like complimenting people? Sounds autistic.

Caleb says, later, “I don’t know what you just said, but I am interested in books. Particularly in the arcane realm, but any kind of book.” That ticks two boxes at once: auditory processing troubles and special interests.

At one point, Beau references Frankenstein and Caleb doesn’t understand what she’s saying. It’s possible, out-of-universe, that this was a meta reference to Frankenstein not existing in the story’s universe, but consider—in-universe, Beau must have referenced the story world’s equivalent of Frankenstein, and Caleb did not get that reference. Therefore: Caleb is not only having difficulty following her metaphor, but he’s missed a pop culture reference.

EPISODE THREE:

caleb is nonverbal after he “gets over [his reaction to casting firebolt]”; he “doesn’t say anything, but starts pushing bodies onto the back of the cart”

stays nonverbal for A While; “during all the busywork, i’m not saying anything, but i keep giving worried and stressed glances at my little friend”

in the middle of planning, with zero transition or context, caleb goes, “also i have a cat” and doesn’t offer context til jester goes ?? yes he’s cute?

gets excited & dances in the street w/nott on his shoulders (stim!!)

nott, when caleb ignores jester in favor of reading: he gets like this when he’s studying. he gets very focused, it’s best not to disturb him

“i prefer him as a cat, to be honest, but in a pinch–” change Bad, cat Good

when jester braids caleb’s hair, liam says “it feels nice”; Sensory Good

“i’m a good talker when i have to be”; qualifies the statement, implying it’s an occasional mask he dons when Necessary

E4:

nott: no one’s going to be around to save you if you get into trouble caleb: i’m almost dead already nott: yeah, that’s not good jester: that’s not comforting, caleb

at the very end of caleb’s conversation w/the guard, liam says caleb looks him in the eye, which implies he was Avoiding eye contact before that

caleb, in court, bluntly: i’m a dirty hobo and i reek like yesterday’s garbage

caleb, abruptly: well, you know, this is very fascinating, but i have some errands to run. nott, would you like to run errands with me? we are totally coming back and not leaving on our own undercover

caleb calls the old shopkeep “grandfather”; he does this with other elderly folks in later episodes too [the woman in the melora statue; madam musk], even when he knows their names. seems like maybe an internal rule that he has to refer to old folks this way bc it’s Respectful?

caleb, overexplaining: this is called a bath nott: i’ve heard of them caleb, still overexplaining: a hot bath

E5:

caleb: before i go away, am i looking for anything specific? beau: just people coming caleb, echoing: people coming…

caleb ducks back behind a corner mid-fight & says “nein nein nein"; repetitive speech

caleb later ducks back behind the same corner & says “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”; Big Autistic Mood

coin-counting!!

E6:

[abruptly] “well, my social anxiety is getting the best of me. i’m taking a walk. goodbye” + brisk exit

“sorry, my curiosity gets the best of me, always”; blurts out questions

caleb realizes belatedly that his question abt alfield giving them extra coin was callous, goes “it’s asking a bit much, i was too forward”; low empathy

“i’’m sorry, it’s very noisy in the shop. what did you say?”; APD

the whole conversation in the shop caleb is just–super blunt. “i’ve been on the road a long time and i’m carrying a smell with me, if you cannot tell" “to the point, i like it” “i don’t mean cheap shit” “well, it’s a barn, ja?”

caleb, on being reminded that people are dying: maybe i can put [turning frumpkin back into a cat] on hold, although i really hate to (emotional support animal + Different Is Bad + low empathy)

“we can do both, but there is a timestamp on the people. we should take care of the people first, because then we’re increasing how much gold we will bring in, because if they die then we will not get as much money for them if they are alive”; low empathy + extreme practicality

E7:

“yes, handle this [grievously injured] child, but then we’re very curious to ask a couple–i’ll shut up”; [sing-song voice] low empathy……

caleb: you know, it’s funny, because only about 30 minutes ago i also had a bird, but he was obliterated beau: oh, that’s right caleb: it was very sad. i’ll bring him back tomorrow shakaste: thanks for that caleb, oblivious: he and i, we are [crosses fingers] like that

E8:

jester: well, she’s mostly known for her hmm-hmm-hmm. outside of that, her voice is amazing, you should hear her sing caleb: what does that mean? jester: what does what mean? caleb: hmm-hmm-hmm

E9:

feel like it’s worth noting this is the episode where beau tells caleb “maybe you would know what we’re up to if you went along with the group for once!” & from there on out p much invariably caleb makes it a point to step back & go along wherever the group wants. so–internal rule!

“i’ve got to stop complimenting you, it does not lead to good moments” + immediately walks away

beau, shouting: he said enTHUSIASM! caleb, jumping & cringing: ohH jeez!!

caleb sees that yasha is uncomfortable w/jester hugging her & does an Understanding Nod; yasha says, “i’m very uncomfortable with human touch” & caleb goes “i feel like i know you better now”; reads as Same Hat

gets angry at jester. swipes mud down his face in a wordless fuck-you. doesn’t rly align w/any specific autistic traits but listen. listen. does that seem like the kind of thing a neurotypical would do? i don’t think so.

E10:

molly pins caleb to the wall & caleb does not make eye contact or speak

caleb gets stuck for a bit repeating variations of “who kicks a cat?!?!”

[sulpher]

what do you call someone with a strong annoyance borderline hate of men specifically men who are incredibly (masculine) toxic but would be the shit out of anyone who tried to say a man could be assaulted, or that men should be belittled and mistreated like women?( a rant?)

I remember I got called a terf like maybe two or three months ago and it bothers me because I worry if I could be aligned in that horrible theory. I always thought the main core of terfism was that you are “ gender critical “ and you ironically just like the patriarchy don't think a woman could ever be smart enough to know the difference in literally - anything? i like trans woman too many folks...i like women - cis and trans...they're cute and awesome ...so like how could you not?  Im bringing this up because as of late ive had a very angry and almost cold voice that respond when i see violence against women because people felt entitle to people bodies and just like school shootings and trumps camps I have to numb myself too it or otherwise i would literally go on a suicidal/homicidal spree.  “ a women’s death is nothing in comparison to a man’s freedom. a woman;s discomfort is nothing in the way of a man entitlement “ I dont like that phrase. i feel like if come off to me as the epitome of femi nzai if that’s even a thing anymore since the men who hated them are most likely real nazis. Listen im 28 and stuck in a house with two men who double-crossed me and are only taking care of me because i decided to quit my job. im only in this house with someone who i thought was literally going to harm and someone who stolen moeny from me becuase as a soceity i have been mold to bend until i break and be gaslighted as “ an irrational fuhmal” not even human if i bring it up. its 2019 and im still tlaking to people who think its ok to count thier two stay at home mothers as an example of why women get paid less because they work less but tell em that the 50 women i work with at a company dont count becuase that’s my just my feelings  and smirk and bring up “ toxic feminity” like that not a sub division of toxic masculinity - Because women DID NOT tell other women to compete with other women in order to get men  Because women DID NOT teach other women that it’s ok to hit men and that men shouldn't cry  Because other women DID NOT teach other women that men couldn't be raped, should always pay the bill Not in the beginning ...that was toxic masculinity but how dare I expect men to accountability for responsibility - that’s just one of the privileges of being a male. and stop telling women when they get hurt by a man that they should of got a guy form thier family. You mean the same guy who was allowed to walk around in thier underwear while i had to fully dress in my home at 9 years of fucking age because my body attracted raped and his didn't or as i like to say it “ boys will be boys but girls should know better by knowing nothing at all” 

Listen I don't think the world would be better if men didn't exist. I don't think the world would be better if men were put under the social pressure of women . Im just dont exist in this society any more as hetero passing individual because i dont get along with it’s morals. im so fucking tired of watching women dying because “ a man has his needs...and his excuses “ and before the misandry parade comes put the cuffs again - i dont mind being a misandrist as much as i don't want to be a terf but again im not looking to get in fights with men. I honestly wish i was invisible to them since seeing me as anything as a female is so socially ingrained is impossible and understanding - im not even mad. make go back in the kitchen jokes, shit on my existence, make me play this doll for the sake of your “ cool girl because if i dont letyou hug me, if i show even a sign of resistance to your sexual banter or your anti feminist logic or your victim-shaming statements...im no longer an object of convenience...and i potentially become a another death statistics  and to the “ protect the boys” brigade aka the people who come screaming from/the corner of this hellsite like someone told your child santa doesn't exist when a woman says something like  “ you know i like getting dress up for other women I try not to think about men “ “ im not here for emotionally unavalible boys” “ I'm not here for men who don't want to fix themselves” ” I'm not worried about children and men “ ” I didn't find him interesting so i didn't give him a chance ” and then you mofos come of the fucking woodwork screaming like a motherfucking banshee  ” BOYS NEED LOVE ! IF YOU DONT WANNA FiX HIm HOW IS HE GOING TO GROW ?!” ” DONT SAY MEN ARE TRASH ! TOXIC MASCULINITY IS A RESULT OF HIM NOT BEING LOVE PROPERLY !” ” IGNORE THEM BOYS WE WONT LET THEM FORGET YOU “ * animal like screeching To you ; you dont care about men. You care about the status quo. You think if men become “ as emotional as fuhmales “ (because half of you don't see women as anything but her genitals ) that they will break down. you don't want men to make a connection between the idea that men need to sex in order to be valuable even if that means taking it and that anyone who take sex is a rapist because then men would have to be accountable for their actions. They would feel bad and you wouldn't want your favorite child to feel bad, after all if they feel bad they cant let loose and be the “ best version” of themselves- even if that version of themselves is a fucking dumpster fire. You want them to be the full end of this spectrum at the expense of your less favorite child ( women ). You might be someone who just, in general, have fed into the bullshit that woman are liars ( another concept that makes it easier for rape culture to be prevalent and strong ) and that men are calm, collective beings who are being neglected thanks to feminism and woman not focusing on them. you might think “ well logically if you only tell men they're trash they're going to be trash “ Ive been told i was a bitch , a fake, a slob( that is true. i am dirty af and i will not put on deordorant unless someone coming), pathetic and useless.  I decide one day that if i didnt like any of those things i would change it , becuase if i didnt like being those things that i needed to change them for me. I CHANGE WHEN I DIDNT LIKE MYSELF and before anyone says anything i have had depression and anxeity. i have been gaslighted and bully for years but at the end of the day my change didi not come from people cheering me up or tearing me down it came from ME being critical of myself nad my actions. And that’s why you “ what about the boys” people dont love men as much as you say you do . You're so afraid of them becoming something more than your baby boy being more than what you want, greater than what society has allow that you would rather make in a pacified monster than a human being. you guys hate men and i cannot stand any of you  to the young man who has  been discriminated against because you weren't born as a cis male  were raped by women and wasn't respected by either woman or men when you look for support  gritted your teeth and read through all my rambling you're valid. you worried about having your whole life ruined by false rape accusations or in general, you are generally afraid of adding to a woman’s concern when it comes to men. you dont like being around certain woman becuase you feel they are too touchy are they are the one who the moment you dont find them attractive and everyone includes other men invalidate you're right to not want to be touch. you fucking have to control your urge to gut punch every time you here the phrase “ men are trash “ becuase you understand the phrase isnt about you and some smart ass is like “ if its not about you why are you getting mad “. Like we all know why you're mad - but we know you're better than that.  I appreciate you questioning your friends on thier used of rape jokes and trying to implied that sexual assault doesn't exist becuase “ if the guy attracted females dont complain “ I think you're wonderful...but i want out  becuase my death is just another occurrence. being someone’s property as a child, wife or even friend means nothing now. my death is nothing different than throwing out an aluminum can. i no longer wonder if the person im talking to is capable of rape. i know longer wonder if ill makes it home safely. i know get angry about wanting to do things like move out on my own, be respected by men and not feel that my feelings are constantly being pacified like a battery operated doll who the owner is cooing to work.  I expect it. and when it doesn't happen i hold my breath and try to not think about tomorrow where ill pretty much have the bar set that low again. I expected to have my feelings band aid with “ well im sorry someone hurt you “ or “ youre apart of the problem thinking like that”. when something im uncomfortable with happens i dont go out in a rage but belitting my feelings as “ sensitive” or “ stop being a bitch “ roll off me.  Humankind is capable of amazing thing and i know change is possible...but i dont expect it anytime soon. ....I really just want out. its 2019 and women are still getting killed becuase of entitlement and the only ing most of you is complain that it happens to men too.....Im tired of pretending this society cares if i was murder right now. you only careif i fit the commodity of the day...I want out for i am so very tired 

[aikainkauna]

I still can't reply to replies because of Tumblr's new interface, so I have to respond to this very good point by @acitymadeofsong this way.

And yes. This is a big problem, because it seems like many writing gurus and teachers and BOFQs seem to treat it as an either/or thing: either you write sparse, sober prose *or* turgid, purple prose; there's *nothing* in between. Now, I know that especially in the zine era, there were mountains of azure orbs and limpid pools around. So that led into an attitude where every bit of poetry and every metaphor resulted in a kneejerky "that's badfic!" reaction from the critic and the readers and the writers themselves. And that deprived us of a lot of really good poetry, I feel. Hell, *I* have a superbly honed sense for romance cliches myself by now--and don't get me wrong, this puritanism did, in fact, help me as a writer in a "know the rules before you start rolling up the rulebook and smoking it" kind of way--but this terror of the dread demon of purpleness has got me to a point where I have to *constantly* slap myself upside the head to remind myself that it's not only ok, but *in character* for me to put poetic thoughts and lines into my characters' heads and mouths when I'm writing Thief of Bagdad fic.

The movie itself is a really great example of beautiful, poetic language that does hold together well even now, despite there always being some whiny, cynical asshats in the audience who think they're tough by moaning about its "corniness"--and I always think that they are doing themselves--hell, even their very own humanity--a disservice. "Were you never an innocent, dreaming child?" I think. "Are you *happy* in having thrown your dreams of romantic adventure and beauty onto the pyre of postmodern nihilism?" Because of course, those people aren't--the whole point of that film was to allow people to escape (especially since WWII broke out during filming), and it's *explicit* about the value and power of the mind of an innocent child. It's the last, defiant dying cry of Romanticism before the war crushed it. Its dialogue and storytelling were unabashedly Romantic even for the time, a loud cry in favour of the fairytale without a *shred* of cynicism, thanks to which the film is so incredibly pure--and thus refreshing, a merciful respite, a balm. So it was serving that same urge that I am defending here, really; therefore, I would be committing a crime against it were I not faithful to that same spirit of hope and passion that ran through it.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the whole sparse prose mafia thing. I think that this is also heavily cultural. I keep seeing posts on here from American kids complaining about their teachers wanting to make everyone write like Hemingway. Ah, Papa Hemingway. Now, he's a particularly painful example in that you can see the guy *did* feel, and did have even crazily romantic emotions, but his work reads like a classic process of machismo crushing all that, suffocating that, and him just not having been given any tools for handling those emotions because society robs men of that. If anything, it should be analysed as a warning example of how the culture of masculinity fucks guys over.

But in other countries, it's crazily different--I knew a Spanish girl who was an aspiring academic, and even at her university, the teachers pressured everyone to write academic text in this really old-fashioned, formal, conversational style. As in, "we should be grateful for the way the ancients..." and "the old truth of X has been aptly demonstrated by the brilliant Y here..." and all these other near-Victorian turns of phrase that are nowhere near a neutral, impersonal scientific POV. And then you've got the extreme politeness and formality in highly-educated Indian correspondence, and conversely txt spk being universal among even grown-up Middle Eastern and South Asian folks on the internet (I always wonder if this is because of having to switch between different writing systems, some of which skip many vowels), etc. So the cultural expectations of what's good language use is hugely varied.

But, yeah, poesy is being weeded out more and more as somehow embarrassing and naive (and always with that unconscious feel of its emotion being "feminine"=weaker, lesser, thus less strong and valuable--even the word "sentimental" is an insult when it just fucking means "something with feeling!"), all over the world. Yet, just like love and passion and intense emotion and awe at the grandness of grand things (the definition of Romanticism, obvs) cannot be killed because it's such an inherent part of human nature, poetry has found ways to survive through song lyrics--and a lot of bad writing that doesn't know what bad writing and cliches are. People still go for it, just like they still do ritual and devotional and spiritual things in a seemingly secularised Western world, because that kind of thing is how the human psyche works. (And there's a gender divide there as well, sadly--why is it that the rantiest, angriest atheists and puritan fundamentalists are angry men aiming to strip weaknesses and frills from human behaviour in favour of bleak brutality, and then it's either ditzy hippie chicks who are into all the fluffy superstitious New Age stuff or superintelligent academic women setting out to construct feminist witchcraft? Oh, wait, candles and incense and yoga and being kind to yourself and others are *girly.* Reason and strict rules and punishments are upright and manly!) Why are humans like this and can't just seek a balance from the best bits of both reason and compassion... *sigh*

So, yeah, that crazy polarisation is just lame, in everything ever, because... variety and diversity, please. I digressed hugely again, but one has to point this out because people really don't seem to see how stupidly b/w--and gendered--it all is. We've been lured into this idea that just because in society, the default for "human" is male/masculine and therefore, pursuing that leads to equality somehow, whereas it's just rubbish--and not just because of the poisons of modern ideas of masculinity, but because just like all gender bullshit, ideas of what's manly have varied like crazy from place to place and from era to era. Looking at history, you've got beautiful and emotionally complex poetry and Romanticism from guys, but now we're all supposed to just suffocate that and be bland and dead. To serve what purpose (if we're not aiming to become emotionless killing machines, the only reason a culture of sparseness/emotional coldness was ever developed for), I don't know. What if Bob wants to be as wild as a Dionysian devotee and compose wildly florid songs in praise of the moonlit meadows of Arcadia--where does he turn to hone his craft; who listens to him sing? What if Anne wants to be swept up in the arms of a wild romance and make her prose shine and glisten like the dew on that moonlit grass, without slipping into a limpid pool on the way? Where's the cave in which XYZ could hone hir poetry to soar like that of Inanna's dragtastic priests in fervent, orgiastic abandon?

My only answer to that would be to just... well.

Read tons of old shit.

Write tons of new shit.

And then *interact* about it, be *supportive* about it, *discuss it.*

Because, just like you said, we don't have enough of that right now.

But even then, I would just say, even to poetic writers whose work I might find bad, *keep fucking going.* Because if you are dedicated and exercise a constant, honest self-awareness about your flaws, you'll keep getting better. Even if you are writing in a vacuum, or think you're writing in a vacuum (because fuck knows it feels like it in today's "too scared to comment" culture), KEEP WRITING. You owe it to yourself and your soul, as an act of fierce honesty towards what you really are.

Besides, and most people don't seem to realise this, writing poetic language is *hard.* Even if you're not writing rhyming couplets, just constructing a sentence is more difficult if you want to evoke really specific images and emotions; the word order itself gets more difficult when you step outside the "see Spot run" style. That's why Twilight is so bad: because the sentence construction is clunky and godawful, and because the thoughts are really vague and drifty and not definite. When saying a bitch fancies a guy, saying "She also thought of other things" is horridly opaque, especially when it's not even meant to be mysterious: if you want to be mysterious, you have to signal that better. So you'd be better off saying "other thoughts also entered her mind, thoughts she was unable to understand or process; therefore she pushed them into the deepest peripheries of her mind, out of sight." Because that shows to us a hint of why these thoughts are vague and unprocessed; the *prose* can't be vague even if the heroine's experience is. That draws the reader in and helps her understand what's going on; the vague "other things" just leaves one hanging and WTFing.

But... yeah. That's the kind of thing I mean. I still stubbornly believe you can get away with anything if you just work hard enough on the suspension of disbelief part, work hard enough on the characters to make their actions seem like they were the sorts that character would commit, if pushed.

I can't remember if I actually made a post at any point talking about Romantic/poetic writing and how to make it work? Probably on LJ, or then I am thinking of fic comments? Because, really, if there *is* need for such, I could throw something like that together. But I don't really feel like I'm some kind of authority on the matter, that's the problem. For all I know, most people consider my stuff too purple, and there's no telling how objective that is--whether it's just a matter of taste, or some (however ephemeral and subjective) standard one either achieves or falls short of. So I don't want to become like one of those conceited people who get really puffed up if they've been published once, and actually write fairly mediocre fiction, and then suddenly start behaving like they're gurus.

(Plus, I've had so much shit for creative word choices in DW and B7 fic that I fear it'd just look like I was defending overt poetry where it doesn't work. I'm *fully* aware these days of how fandom-specific it is, and that's why I've burrowed myself firmly into ToB, so I will never have to come out into sparse-prose writing ever again. I still remember groaning at a fic that randomly described Romana's inner labia as "petals," whereas with Jaffar looking at Yassamin's bits? For a guy who describes her eyes as "Babylonian," "Petals" is par for the course and wouldn't even stand out.)

Anyway. I just hope these rants and discussions will shake up and/or encourage at least some people who have had their poetry suffocated. I will go and have a look at my notes and old LJ posts to see if I have, indeed, written anything that'd come close to the sort of poetry-encouraging writing guide you describe. Because I do feel like I *have* written about getting away with it at some point. I'm sure it all boils down to a) "learn the rules and *then* bend them," b) "avoid the most *obvious* cliches," c) "describe the poetic stuff in a new, original way or aim for a perfect pastiche," and d) "choose a poetic world and stay there," but I'll have a look anyway!

Also, JFC, this became long! But it really is a matter worth talking about. I want a whole fucking literary salon dedicated to getting Romantic/poetic writing right, and celebrating the style without shame. Who's with me?