#no it's not the bathroom: bathrooms don't exist in teyvat :/

[lazyhazycloud]

Furniture testers part 4: Kitchen Area

[thatdeadaquarius]

SAGAU / Isekai Genshin:

You can still use your characters! ... as in possessing them 👻

(all art by me down below, hope its decent lol - did it for u guys and myself i mean what )

Edit 9/7/23: 1,500+ NOTES??? BRO WHAT!! THABK YOU <3

Edit 12/24/23 + 4/5/24:

☆

My dumbass forgot to put this here .-.

Anywya this is a full length fanfic now ;)

PART 1 (you're here!) / Part 2

So.

You got sucked into a video game. 

Crazy, but it happens ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

yknow how it issss

...you very quickly discover that unfortunately video game rules still apply...

which wouldn't normally be an issue! like, needing to use the bathroom in the middle of a fight? Nope! minor cuts and bruises like papercuts, only actual enemies or fall damage counting? hell yeah that'd be great (theoretically no chronic pains if you got that?? hmmmm unsure)

see the issue comes when you realize, you as a player, don't have a "character" that's all your own

there's aether/lumine yeah.. but bc the game's real now, they're their own people, and you didn't wake up to find yourself as a blonde twin...

the closest you can describe your form as is .. like a seelie?

or like the way ghosts look in game?

but a lot more "starry"

like your specterlike, but you look like you got filled up with stars and the milky way, maybe a reference of you being from another universe/world? (aether/lumine/dainsleif/khaenriah star symbol reference secret thEORY-)

but yah.

you also got just, white eyes.

like, not iris, not pupil. like your pupil and iris got erased

you gotta admit, at least you look really aesthetic now.

(u also got a little cape and hood on at all times, and you cant take it off to see your starrified hair >:/ ,very Blue Diamond-esque, look up Steven Universe, Blue Diamond if you dont know who im talking about)

so needless to say, as soon as you sort of glitched your way into existence you were HYPE

i mean ur ACTUALLY IN TEYVAT WITH THE BOYSSSS

...then you realize your a spooky-no-character-to-pilot-around-thus-no-character-model-body-for-you thingy

and that you cant touch stuff!! >:(

like wth!!!

thats just downright unfair.

so, you figure if you got no body to be.... you gotta find a new "character" to pilot >:)

...

I choose you, yellow fungi!

...

....

you're in the fucking woods (Sumeru somewhere obv, u knew that the moment you opened ur eyes),

what'd you expect?? an archon??

..wait a minute. can you possess an archon-

these kinda thoughts plague your first few days of irl genshin impact playing

a rishabold tiger? yep.

a sumpter beast? kinda slow and heavy feeling but yeah.

...you also try a ruin machine LOL

by far, the fungi and ruin machines are the best to possess, mostly because you can remain upright with those

(tho u did find some type of flying monkey that wasnt in game, but its like,, a real world and jungle now so that makes sense there'd be more complexity + stuff)

you do eventually think you should try and possess a person at this point... but ur kinda nervous 👉👈

its ur first time doin this okay nobody explained the basics to you youve been winging for a week now!

will your mind be replaced with theirs? it hasn't been so far with the creatures/bots

and as far as you can tell, they kinda just-

forget what happened or "wake up" after you possess them

(the tiger you were for a day looked confused as hell when it realized that there was a new pile of fruit next to it when it "woke up", it was your way of saying thank you to the animals of the jungle, u left them little piles of food you collected running around as them)

so THEORHETICALLY-

you should be good to go and possess a random poor eremite

... you figure you want to possess something human-like eventually even if you get a puppet body like wanderer/raiden so...

here goes nothing...

♤

so it's been 2 weeks since you've been forcefully yanked into teyvat, and by the second week, you were trying to possess eremites

which! worked out!

mostly..!

you kinda convinced the entirety of two eremite camps that a certain part one of sumeru's forests is hella haunted bc ppl keep "blacking out" and doing things they don't remember doing, yknow... like possesssion LMAO

they kinda ran off to escape you but, hey!

experiment #2: people possession, success!!

now you were kinda convinced of this when you realized no matter the angle the animals and machines of sumeru didnt react to you getting super close to them (you dont have to touch something to posses it, just look at it really, but you wanted to test limits, so you walked up to sumpter beasts and fungi and ruin machines)

but no one can see you.

you don't have a "character" most of the time, you can float and glide around the ground like scaramouche lol

you cant touch stuff bc of this, you cant smell stuff (u saw the eremites campfires & couldnt smell the smoke until you were them)

you cant eat stuff w/o a body, so.. it makes sense that the eremites and passing merchants, cant see you when you float around, trying to reorient yourself after 2 weeks of experimenting

:( ur only a lil sad about it... but mostly not bc lol u got possession powers so trade off u guess

the first time you see a vision-bearer you literally scream

LMAO

ur so lucky u cant be seen or heard

bc Collei would have def screamed back lol

needless to say u stalk the forest ranger- ALL DAY.

Collei goes on patrol around the woods? you go on a patrol.

collei goes to visit other forest rangers? you "visit" other forest rangers at base (lol u def possess a guy who was asleep on a bench nearby & wake up to go talk to Collei "in-person", poor guy was so worried he sleep walked/talked so hard he went to see Tighnari an hour later lmao)

welp, you decide this is your life now, follow Collei everywhere, talk one-sided to Collei until you can possess a forest ranger w/o it being suspicious (dont wanna turn the poor rangers into the terrified eremites from a week or two ago...)

then, after you get the courage and erase the paranoia that tighnari can just... somehow hear your ghostly bullshit-

u do the same to Tighnari (then Cyno when he visits! no u didnt squeal, so what, nobody can hear you- )

♧

Tighnari begins to get suspicious about 3 weeks into this routine.

he's been starting to collect and start a file on all the rangers or nearby villagers that've started randomly "blacking out/sleep walking" in the evenings usually

(u possess as close to nighttime as u can so it seems like sleepwalking)

So when Cyno comes back from a mission gone wrong,

having nearly been decapitated by a rogue flying ruin machine, only to black out and come to standing calmly 10 feet further than he remembered being 1 minute ago...

Tighnari's suspicions are confirmed, and he launches into researching this phenomenon.

his first thought is something like the aranara, but that doesn't account for the effect this thing is having on people

after all, what little forest spirit is strong enough to-

-control humans??

Tighnari begins to get the sense he's in over his head after he finds himself pushed into going into Sumeru City in order to collect more library books or ask around if the blackouts have spread to the city people

he answer is negative, on both accounts.

and he spends about one half of the day walking around, and the other reading up all he can on mythical creatures or ailments

Tighnari gives up for the day, and as he makes his way back to Ghandarvaville, he almost gets ambushed by some particularly nasty muggers

...and then he wakes up 20 feet away, his denro vision thrumming with power, full of worry and fondness for himself??, (just like Cyno said he felt happen to him..)

...Tighnari decides he needs reinforcements.

YOU GUYS-

UR LOCAL ZODIAC SIGN OBSESSED W/GENSHIN HIT A CHARACTER LIMIT ON A POST FINALLY. 😦

??? THIS WOULDVE BEEN LONGER BUT I BARELY GOT SPACE FOR THIS- I- EVEN THE QIQI POST DIDNT HIT LIMIT-

uh cya ig!!

Safe travels lmao,

💀♒️

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist @revonie / @hat-on-a-cat / @takottai / @sickly-falling (?) / @iruiji

(Sorry about the late tag! I forgot to update my taglist before i posted this 💀 my bad guys)

Also if the people who got put there who i couldnt find a blog for see this, idk what went wrong ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ - maybe check and see if ur setting for "being able to be searched/looked up" is turned on?? Idk man

[l-tora-l-archived]

In addition to being Baizhu's assistant, I'm also a part time volunteer with Wriothesley, and yes, we did plan on gathering intel on other countries for British intelligence forces to collect since both of us are actually British really. We also share the fact we are mr and ms worldwide in addition to your husband Childe who more commonly holds that title, cause I'm actually French (my wife said so) and so is he.

But at the end of the day just like Wrio, I don't exist I'm literally some part of your recurring dream !!! ( or nightmare alternatively, after the dream prophecy I had the other day which was "quite worrying" )

You're a person of many names but the latest add on, onto the list is the ⭐️Australia Anti⭐️. Unfortunately I've been caught red handed, I'm actually British !!! 👑👸🇬🇧💷💂‍♀️☕️🫖

And you're right Australia doesn't exist it's a ploy by that government !!! ( srsly they don't rest !!! April fools comes and goes but they're secretly planning to do the most ultimate April fools prank when they announce it doesn't exist, I should know I'm a paid actor 🏃‍♀️✨ )

AUSTRALIA IS NOT A REAL PLACE IN MY MIND 🙄🙄the size of the spiders proves it to me.

Anyone from that place is actually just not real either you're a figment of my imagination!

[selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs]

Some sneak peeks.

__________

Kunikida Doppo x GN! Reader

_______

"Wait! I still don't understand! How came someone as amazing as you never had a partner?!" Aya ignored Bram's attempts to hush her, deciding to ask That Question. The girl looked not only curious, but also sad. She really thought, that your non-existent love live was something unfair.

You nervously looked around. You really didn't want to discuss it, especially with kids.

Because, of your nervousness, you didn't see, that Kunikida's face expression was quite similar to Kunikida's. Less curious, but, still equally "That's unfair!" expression.

__________

If you were not alone event

_______

🇫🇷 Traveling with Paul Verlaine was like traveling with a portable avalanche/earthquake/volcano eruption/any catastrophic event, that makes people run for their lives. And it wasn't only because of ability, that can turn mountains into flat surface. Paul himself looked imposing and dangerous.

__________

Fukuzawa and Fukuchi comfort fic (SAGAU)

_______

This day started as usual.

Sisters woke Their Holiness in the morning.

Sisters brought Their Holiness their breakfast. Food is absolutely exquisite, prepared by the best chefs in the Teyvat.

Sisters bathe Creator, clothe them, wipe the sleep from their eyes, brush the tangles out of their beautiful hair.

The physicians take Creator's temperature, listen to their breathing.

And everyone saw the sorrow in Creator's eyes.

----------

This day started as usual.

Fukuchi gently rubbed your hands, reassuring them, that they shouldn't apologize for having nightmares, waking up because of your own screams.

Fukuzawa helped you go to the bathroom. You tried to care about yourself on your own. You were afraid of being a burden.

Still, Fukuzawa brushed your hair.

Then, Fukuzawa brought you breakfast. Something simple and light. Ivan, Yosano, Doc, Mori and Nikolai were overdoing themselves, making sure, that food will be nutritious enough, without harming your body and health after long starvation.

You had breakfast in your room, with Fukuzawa and Fukuchi joining you. Nowadays, you rarely have breakfast in Common Room, with others, but you always had breakfast with people, who would look after you that day.

Then Yosano would check your health, being happy for every tiniest step forward to the full recovery.

And all morning, everyone could see an almost empty shell of their most treasured person in the world.

[throwaway-yandere]

Of Dream A-Dreaming (Yandere Idol!Itto/Reader)

The real a/n: dang, restricting myself to 1-1.5k words for this event is fricking difficult when I usually upload fics around 3k lolol. The urge to make this unnecessarily long looms above my shoulders and the crack fic ideas are piling up instead of yandere ones i need therapy fr—

Unreliable synopsis: You're the self-proclaimed "Numero Uno" idol's producer! He has his screw loose that's for sure, but hey, what makes him think you're not eccentric as well amiright???

Alice's note, Mother of Klee: Strange... Could've sworn you and Ayato would end up partnered together considering your similar "personalities". Oh, well. Producer Lumine thought it would be hilarious to see you take Itto on. This should still be entertaining. Let's see who's going to be the bigger menace between you two, snailnon!

Yandere Idol 1k event masterlist

-------

"Itto, what do we say when we want to go to the restroom?"

"P–... Please, (Y/n)?"

"Perfect! Ehehehehe, good boyyy!!!" You ruffled his hair roughly, which made him voice out complaints about his hair gel. "Now go take a dook-dook."

Itto sighed, his relief heard throughout the whole cafe. "Thank God! Thanks, granny snai–"

"Call me granny again and I'll whoop your a– I mean, kindness isn't the absence of mean thoughts but evil actions! Now go, be free!"

Itto rushed to the restroom, leaving you with a playful grin on your face.

The scent of caffeine fills the air, fueling the chatter inside the humble cafe. It had never been this buzzing. The tender space not once had more than five customers. For all it's worth, its owner probably never would've imagined a day where eight drop-dead gorgeous men would play baristas for three days in his place. Pairs of the regulars' taciturn eyes carefully eyed the idols' movements, gazing at the men like exotic animals behind glass. Their existence as regular customers made their presence reasonable, these eight celebrities with you, however, not so much.

ADDICKTZ has an "Of Drink A-Dreaming" barista event today, which was primarily led by Diluc and his producer. The idols were dressed in typical European barista fashion, with the exception of Ayato, Thoma, and Itto wearing sets of Kazagoshi respectively. 

"(Y/n), where's Itto?"

You laughed. Unlike your colleagues, Diluc doesn't enjoy addressing you by your respected title. "I don't knooowww. Take a guess. Hehe."

Diluc's eyebrows knitted. 

"You're his producer. The filming's about to start in five minutes." He stressed out sternly.

"I guess you have to film him in the bathroom then." You smiled, completely unbothered. "Cause, you know, he's there."

Normally, people would recommend a straight jacket for the deeply disturbed, but the founder of TEYVAT Productions said "I got just the thing for you!" before Producer Lumine gave you a contract to be Arataki Itto's producer for the next 5 years.

Yes, THAT Arataki Itto. The most troublesome member of ADDICKTZ and its best rapper. The guy who's supposedly a next-in-line monarch from a ruling family in a small village until he had a disagreement with his parents– but no one knows about that tea except you and Alice. You were going to decline this job but he... lacks critical thinking so much that you decided you must protect this high school dropout. Or at least make his life challenging. You're winning on either option, anyways.

You continued sipping your coffee. As a fellow cheapskate like the person you're producing, you're savoring every last drop of this fine brew, ignoring the free cake-like brownies on your table. You're much more laid back than normal because you're going on vacation tomorrow. Doesn't mean you're unaware of your own tendencies; if you don't care, you often won't put in the effort. And right now you genuinely don't care about what Itto's up to.  Your succulents are genuinely the only thing you're determined to take good care of, and you already set an alarm as to when you're going to water them.

Diluc sighed. The poor idol slash Dawn Winery heir just couldn't put in the effort to scold you both anymore. "Fine. I'll give you ten minutes and that's final."

Eh, don't count on it. This is you and Itto, and together you're both a hindrance. 

"Hehe. Gracias, compadre!"

That mesomorph couldn't possibly untie his apron without your help and you'd probably take five minutes trying to untangle it. It was considerably difficult getting Itto to wear his uniform, especially with his muscular build (but that's just because you made sure it's extra tight for the hell of it.) It goes without saying that Itto will always be by your side. If he wants to escape this girl scout's knotting nightmare, he'll need your help. Aww geez, what would he do without you?

"They sure get along quite well." The CEO's assistant muttered, their eyes staring directly at you. For someone who's supposed to be observing in secret, they sure aren't doing a decent job worth that paycheck. Not like having them here affects you. You'd still violate a few rules even if someone with authority is around.

"(Y/n)," Thoma sheepishly limped towards you, apologizing to the few empty chairs he bumped into. "C-Can you please help me tie my apron?"

"Heh, yup! Sure thing!!!"

Childe looked over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow from the other side of the room. "You're really going to ask for THEIR help?" 

Thoma froze.

The Mondstadter had been hanging out with you a lot lately that he forgot you're not the most reliable person out there. Hard not to like him. Blondes are pretty cool. Men are cool, in general.

Your iconic grin is back in town.

"O-Oh, never mind! I'll just ask Ajax–"

"Naahhhh, you're here now!" You smiled, making grabby hand gestures. "C'mon, let me tie it for you~."

The poor blonde's smile was forced upward and twisted from too much pressure. He carefully handed you his apron with unfathomable reluctance– 

But before you could take it, another hand yanked Thoma's away, prompting him to yelp. That hand was slightly damp, clear that it just came from the restroom.

Itto's grip tightened.

"Tie it yourself, Thoma."

Thoma gulped.

You couldn't see from this angle, but whatever Thoma saw, you had an inkling that it wasn't anything other people ought to see.

Zhongli tensed up. "Itto, that's enough–"

"YOU!!!"

Before anyone got another word out about Itto's strange outburst, another voice called out. You barely looked away. 

You already know who it is.

"Why hello, Akira!" You greeted with clenched teeth.

One problem after another.

Most of Itto's fans are men. It's entertaining how they get hyped up whenever he's on stage. He's a role model when comes to exercise. You would know since you've once encountered an obsessed fan who gushed about how Itto's poster motivates him to do more push-ups and lunges and still insists he doesn't have a crush on Itto. His fans' muscles may be as strong as bricks but their heterosexuality weakens around him. As it damn should, honestly. You don't have any sports so listening to them talk was like watching a toddler show off their jumping skills. 

That fan was funny, but Akira? Not by a long shot.

He was supposedly Itto's first stan. And stalkers are not funny. 

"Why are you still his producer?!"

The CEO's assistant looked around, asking how the stalker got in under hushed whispers but to no avail. Your eyelids lowered. 

You're going to have a serious talk with security later.

You shrugged with a small, innocent smile. "Cuz I'm an amazing person...?"

"No! Hell no!!!" Akira grumbled. "You're a psychopath! You're not a real fan, you're just doing this for the money!!!"

No shit, Sherlock. Don't be delusional. No one works for free.

You huffed.

"Sure, maybe I have problems using empathy sometimes, but take one good look at your situation and you'd realize that you're the one who looks like a psychopath right now."

Akira shut his mouth up immediately.

You looked at Dainsleif, who understood your signal.

You're pissed and you want Akira out.

Dainsleif nodded, grabbing Akira's shoulder.

You closed your eyes, drowning out the sound of Akira's loud complaints with your louder slurping. Knowing Dainsleif's skills, he would've peacefully kicked the stalker out of the building.

"You okay, bro?"

You opened your eyes again.

The stalker's gone, and Itto is sitting right in front of your table.

"Yeah, of course, I am."

Itto smiled. Don't be fooled, he was wholly aware that you're angry– you have the tendency to repress your anger and he knows you're harboring some spite.

"You know what will get him to stop?" He grinned, snapping his fingers like he was the smartest person in the room (he's not.) 

"A good beating."

You chuckled, your voice mixed with concern and intrigue. "What? No. I'm a nice person. I ain't letting ya."

"Are you nice or are you just my producer? Anyways, yeah, but what if, I like, challenge him in a dance competition?"

You looked at him laconically.

That must be…

"The stupidest idea I have ever heard." You patted his back. Hard. Itto spat his drink, the brown liquid spilling to his chin like baby food. "I LOVE it. Go kick his ass."

Ain't no way you're passing up a chance to enable his family-friendly bullshit.

Ahh, you love life. It’s things like this that makes life worth living, because despite how empty you may feel at the end of the day, you at least know that you were a piece of something great.

A piece that caused Arataki “Numero Uno” Itto challenge a stalker fan into an impromptu dance competition.

Itto raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were gonna stop me."

"Well, you know how my mind works. If it is funny, then you should probably do it. Unless you, or someone else, get hurt. 'Cuz then it's a lot less funny…"

But then you remembered there was this one time you convinced Itto that "STFU" means "so thankful for you" and he sent that shit to his grandmother. Who then whooped his ass. With a wooden spoon. In front of CEO Alhaitham.

Oh, this poor summer country boy.

A strange chortle-like noise exited your lips.

"Wh-what is it?"

"Ohh, nothiiing." You patted his head, this time, you didn't ruffle his hair. "Hmm... I'll give you permission to challenge him in this dance competition thingy, but it better be AFTER the event, mkayyy?"

"Hmm! You got it, boss!"

-----

So, that was a fucking lie.

"YOU WANT TO GO, HUH?!"

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU BEAT ME UP– THEY'RE NOT WORTH IT, BOSS!!!"

You just got back from buying some pins at the convenience store to secure Itto's apron, and this is the thanks you'll get? You pinched your temple, sighing with an eerily large smile.

This doesn't look like a dance competition.

As Itto grabs Akira by the collar, the crowd that had formed around them just stood and stared. It's a good thing that phones are prohibited. Kaeya was close by, but he doesn't seem motivated to dissuade his unit mate either. Annoyingly, you got a glance from the man that said "find a way to stop him."

Hah! Like that's easy– Wait.

Out of the blue, you recalled a vital memory.

A week after you started working for Itto, you found him losing his shit over a deranged fan who insulted his best friend, Kuki. You'll never forget the way he bent his knees, ready to pounce until the show was abruptly interrupted by ADDICKTZ's Creative Director, who hurled a cup of soybeans in his way. You received some more beans from Sir Zandik, who advised you to take similar action should the need arise... but you already ate them months ago. 

How troublesome, but Arabic beans should work.

Ayato's eyes widened as your unsanitized hand reached for the bean bowl. "Stay still, Mx. (Y/n), don't do anything rash–"

With amazing precision, the beans reached their target.

Plunk.

The Kamisato heir shut their eyes, clicking his tongue in disappointment.

"Ow– what was that for?!" Itto frowned angrily. "Seriously, what the hell, (Y/..."

…

Arataki Itto stared at you blankly, his eyes slowly rolling upward.

"... Itto?"

"... (Y/n)..."

"Y-Yeah?"

"I… t-trust you, homie–" His eyes fluttered, closing gradually while his knees buckled.

"Catch me."

"Huh? H-Hey, wait–"

THUD!!!

Just like a snail's shell boldly crossing a busy pedestrian lane, your body was absolutely wrecked. Your upper back hit the floor first as you cradled Itto's weight between your arms.

Everyone was stunned. Kaeya's producer looked at you in confusion.

"Do you have any idea what you just did...?"

"I have no idea what I've done either, heh." You wheezed, unable to breathe properly as Itto crushed your lungs. "All I know is that Dottore told me to do that if he starts acting violently."

Dainsleif and Zhongli immediately rushed towards you and Itto, with the latter fruitlessly attempting to dial 911 with his lack of technological wisdom. Diluc came back, asking what the hell just happened before Childe and Dainsleif carried Itto off you. Meanwhile, Ayato stood by the corner, laughing to himself. You would too if you weren't so busy getting suffocated by Itto's comically heavy muscles.

Childe slapped the back of your head after you were safely untangled from the unconscious man's limbs. "You idiot! He's allergic to beans!!!"

"... Hehe, whoops?" You heard CEO Alhaitham's assistant sigh from behind you, but you still quipped up a joke. "Can I blame Master Dottore for this, pretty pleease?"

"Arataki Itto is your responsibility, Mx. (Y/n)" Someone spoke in a low, reverberating voice.

Everyone stopped to look at Zhongli, whose face expressed indifference yet his crossed arms exude something far more ineffably foreboding.

"As written in the contract, a TEYVAT PRODUCTIONS producer should be the one looking after their idols if they're admitted to the hospital, correct?"

You stiffened. 

Oh no. 

"... Hey, Ayato?"

"Hmm?" He answered with a hand covering his clearly smiling face.

"How long does allergy-induced comas last–"

Dainsleif chuckled, replying instead of the young politician. "Could be between 24 to 48 hours."

"Fuck."

Needless to say, you brought this to yourself.

... So long, 3-day vacation.

You want to turn into a snail. 

The remainder of the event came to an abrupt end. The CEO's assistant rescheduled everything while the remaining ADDICKTZ producers unwillingly cleaned up everything. Compared to Zhongli, who sat back down on an empty table with his osmanthus tea, Childe was the loudest complainer. Being wise beyond his years, the Liyue man drank in silence while ignoring the mayhem going on around him.

If everyone saw the way both Arataki "Numero Uno" Itto and his accomplice Akira smirked when you chucked a bean to his head, you might just catch on that he's keener than what most underestimated him for.

Your idol noticed that you've been busy hanging with Thoma lately and wanted to monopolize your attention for a while, so he staged himself up for a beating. Did Itto plan on getting completely knocked out by beans? No, probably not. You're quite unpredictable and this is merely a consequence of poor planning.

Still, unfortunately for you, Zhongli and Itto are unexpected kindred spirits. Knowing the reckless nature you both shared, Zhongli anticipated something like this might happen. It's a good thing the Liyuean helped him with revising their contract. 

This will be their little secret. Unconscious men tell no tales, right?

Zhongli laughed.

Ah, youth.

Ansytea: y-you absolutely scare me, please kindly accept this offering, my lord snail– anyways, thank you for joining the 1k event!!!

[canonical-transformation]

Hi, I'm Ningguang, and welcome back to Monster Mansions of Teyvat.

Today we'll be looking at the Palace of Alcazarzaray, a lovely jungle hideaway that is all splendour... if you have no taste.

Now, the Palace of Alcazarzaray is the private residence of Lord Sangemah Bay, an magnate and fellow billionaire with strong credentials in the mercantile and shipping industries.

Lord Sangemah Bay and I are business partners, and an NDA prevents me from disclosing any details about their identity. But what I can tell you is that Sangemah Bay suffers from a congenital condition: they were born without a shred of aesthetic sense.

We start with the location. Nestled deep in the Lokapala Jungle in Sumeru's northeast, this estate is... no, let's start there. Nestled. Nestled.

Here we observe the first symptom of having money and no taste: the location of this monster mansion is hidden from view, so that nobody else can find it.

You think I'm joking? I spoke with the estate's butler, who confirmed the location was chosen for seclusion, peace, and quiet.

Now, we've discussed this before on Monster Mansions. When you design and commission an opulent residence, you flaunt it. That's the whole point! Why would you even bother having a four bedroom five bathroom estate like this if you're not going to rub it in the faces of everyone who ever said you would never make it? If you're not going to drop your shredded paper on the heads of all those old money geezers who looked down on you while you were working your ass off to make your fortune?

It baffles me.

Then again, this is the same Sangemah Bay who insisted the Sumeru edition of Liyue Millennial use jewel-encrusted playing pieces. Like some tacky Snezhnayan auntie. Maybe the Lord knows how ugly any house they commission would turn out and is just trying to hide the evidence?

Credit where credit's due, this pavilion is pretty nice. Good use of ornament on those load bearing columns. I guess if you don't know how to engineer your own house there's nothing wrong with getting a renowned Kshahrewar architect to design it for you.

These flowers are so uninspired though.

I did see a nice padisarah:

But the upkeep on this garden... It's like the thing exists to justify having half a dozen gardeners on payroll.

I've said it on previous episodes, and I'll say it again: if you want to see some greenery, go to a damn park. A house is a built environment. It's your special place to line with beautiful fountains and booby-trapped windows and secret Geo-Vision-unlocked torture chambers. None of this manicured lawn nonsense. Some bare minimum to contrast your cleverly engineered water features, but otherwise, that's it.

Also what's with all these side houses? If you have your pirate wife over, are you really going to make her sleep in a different building? Pah.

But this is the design 'logic' of the kind of business genius who thinks running a shipping line direct from Ormos to Dornman without stopping through Liyue is a sane "cost saving measure". Routing through Liyue Harbour is a value-add, you buffoon.

Now, the main house is perfectly nice... or so you'd think.

What this picture doesn't show is how all this intricate glasswork faces southeast. You know what that means? That's right. No sunlight through the stained glass.

I took a few test photos over the course of the day. The top of this ornate window gets the most light right at sunrise... and it still doesn't reach the full thing.

Dear Lord Sangemah Bay, maybe if you focused less on trying to hack my export tax code you might have noticed your estate was facing the wrong way?

And what even is this? How did that get there?

Fun fact: Lord Sangemah Bay once cheated me at cards. I don't mind because I was cheating too, but still. Tasteless.

(continued)