#no i will never get over this i havent even begun to process

[pariah-dog]

a beautiful reading of my poem "The Transgender Prophet" by @ahbonjour at the Unity of Fairfax Transgender Day of Remembrance

[full video here ]

[dreamescapeswriting]

I like you, Loser ~ LMH [Request]

⤜WORD COUNT: 3.4K

⤜PAIRING: Minho x GN!Reader

⤜GENRE: college au, Tsundere!Minho, Gender netural Reader, soft, fluffy, bickering between friends, Minho with a crush, grumpy x Sunshine, 

⤜Copyright: © DreamEscapesWriting - May 2022

⤜MASTERLIST

⤜Tsundere Meaning: Tsundere is a Japanese term for a character development process that depicts a character with a personality who is initially cold, stern, stoic, harsh, temperamental, hotheaded before gradually showing a warmer, friendlier side over time

A/N: I havent really written Tsundere before so I hope its okay!!!

It was small things at first, almost too small for other people to notice. But Minho noticed.

Minho knew almost everything about you after living with you for the last three years and spending most of his time with you from High School, so when he noticed he knew he had to do something. It was all of the classic signs of burnout and if people didn't know you well enough they never would have seen it.

It started with you putting off your work until the last possible second, or asking Minho to go and get coffee with you every two minutes when you'd barely begun working. It wasn't like you at all. You were never this distracted or even procrastinated this much if ever not that Minho minded hanging out with you more but he knew it was bad. 

The final straw for Minho was when you began getting snarky with those around you, snapping at people who were trying to be nice and when you started having a cynical outlook on everything. He knew he needed to do something and that was why he was planning on it and had been for the last week.

"Who would have thought it, you're soft for them." Chan laughed as he helped Minho carry a bag through his apartment and into your shared kitchen. You and Minho had been living together since your first year in college, you'd been friends long before that though since you'd attended the same high school together.

"Shut up. I'm just sick of them biting my head off." Minho lied, putting all of the ingredients he needed to wash into the sink and turning to look at Chan who was smirking at him. There was no reason on this planet other than the crush Minho had on you that he would be doing this for. 

Chan knew it. 

Minho knew it.

The only person who didn't know about it was you. Mostly because Minho was grumpy around you and you were too blind to see that he had a crush on you.

"I only needed help bringing in the food, you can leave," Minho grunted, not wanting him to stick around anymore to judge him for what he was about to do for you. But Chan didn't move a muscle, instead, he looked around at the apartment and his smirk grew wider.

You had an exam which meant the apartment had been left empty all afternoon, not only was it spotless but some of the furniture had been moved to the side leaving a large space in front of the TV. Then blankets were piled in the corner waiting to be moved into a comfortable position for Minho and yourself to sit on later.

The Xbox that was usually held up in Minho's room was moved and in the living room which only meant one thing.

Minho was going to be sweet with you...As in, actually sweet and kind to you and share his things with you. Something he never did with anymore. Not even Chan who was like the boy's older brother.

"Out," Minho thundered already knowing where Chan's mind was and the older boy held his hands up in defence not wanting to get into trouble.

"You got it bad Lee Minho. Bad." He laughed wildly and he exited the apartment leaving Minho to look around. Chan had no idea what he was talking about. Minho did not have it "bad" he just didn't want you to be so burnt out you lose your love for your studies. 

Plus. There was only room for one grumpy person in this friendship and the position had been filled long ago by him and you were going to have to fight him for it.

Dropping your bag onto the ground in the foyer you kicked off your shoes, sniffing a little as you smelt Minho's cooking your mouth practically watering at the smell of it all. The one thing that had kept you strong throughout the entire exam was the thought of coming home to his food. It was almost midnight and all you wanted to do was curl up on the sofa with some food and watch movies...Maybe even force Minho into watching them with you if he was still up.

Your mind went back to the food as the smell continued to fill your nose, your stomach growling at you as you made your way through the foyer door and into the open apartment setting. It didn't matter what he made he always made it well and you couldn't wait to dig into it,

"Minho, I'm going to demolish about five plates of your-" You stopped speaking as you looked up at the living room, all of the lights were out and the only thing lighting up the room was the TV set. 

It wasn't like Minho to leave the TV running but then your eyes moved around to see the furniture had been pushed out of the way. 

Your eyes drifted over the TV before you noticed Minho laying on the ground, blankets were underneath him and he was sound asleep on the floor. He must have been waiting up for you and the sight alone made your heart swell up.

"Cute," You whispered heading over to him, the controller was clutched in his hand as "The Witcher 3" played idly in the background. Laughing softly to yourself you knelt down beside his sleeping body just taking in his appearance.

It wasn't often you got to see him look so peaceful and you were going to drink it all up while you could. He was still dressed in the apron you'd gotten him for Christmas. It was a bright pink apron with cats spotted all over it, perfect for him and you couldn't believe he'd actually kept it. 

You could have sworn he would have thrown it out, it was only supposed to be a gag gift but the fact that he'd kept it made you feel tingly inside. Seeing him in his apron meant that he had no doubt not meant to fall asleep while waiting up for you. If that was what he was doing in the first place. You stretched your hand out to swipe some of his hair from his face,

"You're home?" His voice made you jump a little and you whined, his eyes were on you as he stared directly into your eyes.

"Yeah, the exam took longer than expected and I'm ready for a long nap after about five bowls of food." You told him as he slowly began to sit up, his eyes half shut as he looked around for the clock. As if reading his mind you told him the time,

"It's midnight, I'm sorry I woke you up. Did you wait for me?" You bit down on your tongue as you stared at him, his eyes staring back at you blankly.

"No." He answered too quickly as you smirked a little, nodding your head as you decided to tease him just a little.

"Liar. It's cute." You stretched your hand out to move his hair out of his face and he moved away from your touch,

"Don't touch me. Go and eat." He grumbled meanly as he sat up properly, stretching his back as he looked at you. 

"So cutteeee. Minho staying up for me," You gushed dramatically as you began poking his sides, his body jerking to the side as he groaned at you.

"You're so fucking annoying." He hissed as you sniggered, getting up and rushing to get you both something to eat. His eyes on you the whole time as he tracked you not wanting you to fall and slip, the last thing either of you needed was a trip to the hospital. 

When you came back with two bowls Minho was more awake and watching you like a hawk. He wanted to scold you harshly as you began running a little with two hot bowls in your hands.

"Don't slip! It'll burn!" He cried out as you slowed down, carefully making your way over to him as you keep your eyes on the bowls in your hand,

"Spoken like someone who cares." You told him, your stomach doing summersaults as you reached the living room. 

"Someone who doesn't want to clean up your mess." He mumbled as he reached up to take the bowls from you so you could sit down with ease.

As soon as you sat down he stared at you, sliding the bowl into your hand and watching you with careful eyes only looking away when you met his gaze.

"Did you do all this for me?" You asked, lifting the spoon up to your lips and blowing it carefully. The stew had been on the hob for hours and it was still piping hot, the only way you and Minho enjoyed eating it.

"I didn't do it for you. I did it for me." He mumbled, eating some of the stew as you smiled to yourself about it all.

"Hmm mmm." You hummed sounding suspicious of him about it and he hated that. There was no reason for you to suspect his feelings for you and he wasn't going to let them on either.

He stared at you, watching you eat and groaning when you burn your tongue on the spoon. He shook his head as he put his own bowl down, giving you some water to cool your tongue down.

"Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to look after you?"

"No one said you had to." You reminded him teasingly as he stared at you, 

"If I don't, no one else will. You're a loser." You rolled your eyes, you enjoyed the way he was grumpy with you. For some reason it always made you feel closer to him. You knew deep down inside of him somewhere that he did this all out of love for those around him.

Not that he would ever admit that to people but you could see right through him. You knew that the cold act was just that. An act.

"You're the loser," You joked as you spooned more food into your mouth, it had been too long since you had food like this and you let out a hum of appreciation.

"You seem better now. More like yourself," Minho suddenly spoke out and you titled your head at him. When hadn't you been yourself?

"You were being snarky lately and I didn't like it." He admitted as he spooned more food into his mouth, looking at you as you smiled a little. Minho had always told you he hated it whenever you were warm and bubbly around him, that it was exhausting for him to be around and yet, he never left.

Mostly because whenever he was around you and you were bubbly he felt warm inside like nothing could ever bother him.

"Because you like when I'm bubbly?" You arched an eyebrow,

"No. I don't like you at all. And being mean is my fucking job." He looked away from you, staring down at his food as he realised he must have been acting too nice to you lately. 

"Liar. You like when I'm bubbly." You moved closer to him and he rolled his eyes, turning his gaze to you and biting down on his cheek.

"What are you doing?" His voice was harsh, you never sat this close to him unless you were scared of a horror film.

"I'm cold."

"So get a blanket or a jumper," Minho muttered, still not moving away from you when he had all of the possibilities to do so.

"Fine. I'll get a jumper when I'm done eating." You still didn't move and neither did Minho. Not even when he felt his heart beginning to speed up and his palms beginning to sweat from the feeling of being close to you. It wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last but he still couldn't help but grow tense whenever you leaned on him.

"Are you uncomfortable?" You questioned, breaking the silence which, Minho was very thankful for. He could have sworn at any moment his heart was going to leap from his chest and hand itself over to you. 

"No. Why?" His voice cracked a little as he looked at you,

"You're tense. You look uncomfortable." You didn't think before you sat close to him like this, the last thing you wanted was to make him uncomfortable around you.

"No...No, It's not that I'm not uncomfortable...I just-" He blushes and shakes his head not finishing what he was going to say. It was way too late in the night for a deep conversation and he didn't want to risk pushing you away from him,

"Finish your food, dumb ass." He mumbled looking down at his food as he realised he didn't want to eat it anymore, he just wanted to sit comfortably with you like this.

You left to get a jumper, coming back in one of his and he groaned at the sight of you but his stomach flipped seeing you in his clothes. It always looked cute whenever you wore something on his on your body,

"That's mine." He tells you as you nodded your head,

"And it's warm." You told him as you span around on the spot, posing for him as he continued to stare you down with an expressionless face.

"Whatever. Sit down," You sat down beside him and he slid the controller into your hands, your eyes widened at the action as you stared from the controller to his face.

"Whoa...You're actually letting me play?" He nodded not looking at you as you began to play on a new save file. Not listening to anything the game was telling you or reading any of the instructions it gave to you.

Your mind was somewhere else entirely as you stared at the screen, walking around with your horse as you wondered what had bought all of this on.

"Why did you do all of this?" You questioned suddenly, your eyes still glued to the screen as you dismounted from your horse starting to battle with random NPCs that were in front of you.

"Because I wanted to spend time in the living room." He lied, you knew it was a lie since you'd known him for so long. Besides, you could feel his heart racing against your shoulder and so you hummed not believing him and he blushed. Physically and literally blushed in front of you and your mouth fell open a little.

"Fine. Whatever. I did it for you. Does it matter?" You stared at him, taken back that he did all of it for you. Surely there had to be some kind of selfish reason hidden away inside of him. Maybe he wanted you to do something in return? His homework? Assignments? Laundry?

"Yes. Why did you do all of this? Do you want me to do something for you? Because, I'm telling you right now there is no way on earth I am washing your disgusting socks," You teased nervously, letting out a small laugh as Minho stared at the screen. Your laughter only makes him feel shitty for doing this, did you really think that little of him that he would only do this for something in return?

"Do I need a reason to be nice?" He mumbled a little, his stomach sinking as he realised how grumpy he must have been around you.

"Yes, because you're Lee Minho. The Lee Minho I grew up for years and was never nice to anybody." He bit down on his tongue as he shook his head, suddenly something snapping inside of him as he stared at you.

"I did it because I could see you burning out...And I didn't-" He rolls his eyes at himself, he couldn't believe he was about to even say it out loud.

"I didn't want to lose your dumb ass." You smirked a little as you looked at him, your heart was now in your throat as you heard him admit it. 

"So, you like me?" You arched a brow and he shook his head,

"No. I hate you."

"Liar, liar pants on fire." You sang out as he groaned at you,

"You're such a fucking child." He hissed and stared at the screen as you died. Sighing to himself he wrapped his arm around you and held the controller with you. Your hands pressed together as you both played the game, but your mind was no longer on the screen. It was focusing on the fact that he had his arms around you, holding you as he began pushing the buttons with you and helping you play the game properly. 

"This is the first time I've ever seen you smile." You admitted as you looked up at him, your head was resting on his shoulder while he gamed. You'd given up trying about half an hour ago and were content with watching the way Minho seemed to lower his guard down around you.

"I like spending time with you." He spoke without thinking and his whole world seemed to stop for a second. His eyes widened as his fingers on the controller ceased to move.

"You do?" Your voice was so hopeful and he blushed, nodding his head. The cat was already out of the bag there was no use in fighting it back inside.

"Is this why you did all of this? To tell me you like me without actually saying it?" You quizzed as he began Rolling his eyes and dropping the controller down, you stared at one another in silence for a while. 

"Minho...I- I don't want to get mixed feelings...Either you like me or you don't." You were beginning to let your insecurities get the better of you. The two of you had been friends for years, maybe you were reading too much into all of this.

"Yn, I do...I do-" He groaned at himself for not being able to find the right words to say, he could see the look of panic on your face and he held your hand in his.

"I'm saying..." Sighing he shook his head as if moving it around was somehow going to move the words to his lips, 

"I'm saying I like you, idiot." He mumbled before you smiled in relief, 

"I knew it, I'm totally going-" You hummed against his lips, wrapping your arms around his neck and deepening the kiss as you pulled him closer. The kiss was so soft and passionate as Minho snaked his arm around your waist, drawing you closer to him. He was afraid that if he didn't hold you right now he was going to wake up and have it all be some kind of sick nightmare.

"You like me," You whispered as you pressed your foreheads together, laughing to yourself a little as he sighed. He knew this was all going to go to your head eventually.

"Don't let it feed your ego, you're still annoying." He mumbled, leaning down and kissing your lips over and over again, in small peeks.

"How can I not? I'm the only person you're going to be nice to," You wiggled your eyebrows and he pulled back, looking at you with a smirk.

"Who said I was going to start being nice to you, loser?" You jabbed his arm playfully earning a grunt from him as you leaned forward and kissed him once again.

"Can we sleep out here tonight? I don't want to move." You admitted as you snuggled closer to him, his hands gently running up and down your arms smiling warmly at you.

"Sure. How did your exam go? I-I forgot to ask." He stuttered nervously as you laid down on the floor together, putting on a video to fall asleep to in the background. Minho had to find the creepiest one he could before snuggling into you,

"Pretty well. I think I aced it,"

"You always do well," He whispered, pressing a gentle and soothing kiss to your shoulder as you snuggled closer together under the blankets. Falling asleep together almost instantly as you enjoyed the closeness of being with one another just as you had always wanted. 

Tagline: @minholuvs​ @taestannie​ @sw33tnight​ @acciocriativity​ @mwitsmejk​ @taeechwitaa​ @justbangtanthingz​ @stillwithlix​ @lolalee24​ @yubinism​ @ethereallino​ @aerastus​ @kimahnjung98​ @halesandy​

[bonesofapoet]

Melted Stars, Melted Sea

[arthur curry x you]

author’s note: me, deep in chaos territory atm: hey remember that aquaman thing you wrote over two years ago when you watched the movie ten times in three days? yeah you should post that since you havent posted anything in a While + you watched the snyder cut two times in 24 hours

words: 1370

He found you on the dock, eyes spellbound by the infinite celestial sky above you.

It was common, that he found you like this. Back pressed against sturdy wooden planks, hands tucked behind your head or mimicking the rise and fall of your abdomen. Air, cool from the ocean would caress your face, your hands, your skin - it kept you grounded just enough, so you wouldn’t forget you were still on planet Earth. Your eyes would remain glued to the deep lavender, cobalt blue, and midnight black. They would search the crystalline sprinkles above for familiar shapes, and then shapes you wished to know. You hunted for far off moons or tails of the galaxy and hidden planets you longed to see with your own bright eyes. You imagined what, or who, could be residing in the eerily empty spaces between the glitter in the sky.

Arthur Curry loved that about you.

It was ironic, he thought - his own head was usually down underwater, lost in the darkness below. Yours was tilted up and up and up to see where no human had gone before.

In the middle of your impromptu star-gazing session, soft footfalls on the dock began to bring your mind back down to your own rock in the cosmos. A nudge to your calf brought wandering eyes back down to land.

“Want to go for a drive, Stephen Hawking?”

You smiled at the sky; a grin that could put ethereal moonlight to shame.

“Always,” barely made it past your lips before you were hauled to your feet and into the arms of the Aquaman himself. He pulled you close for a moment, before he took your hand and guided you to the truck idling at the edge of the docks. You tilted your head back one last time; trusted Arthur to catch you if you were about to bite the dust.

You tripped over a rock.

He laughed. You shoved him.

||

This is what peace feels like.

It was the lone thought that thrummed through your entire being.

Brisk night air stained with the brine of the sea ripped through the open windows - a welcome comfort, just like the hand the meta-human had rested on your thigh with his other on the wheel.

“This never gets old,” your voice was quiet, but your eyes were alert. Clear. Drinking in the New England coastline, the rise and fall of the Atlantic Ocean in the distance. The moonlight illuminated cresting waves and seafoam that kissed the shore. Cliffs from far up the road looked deadly and beautiful in the deep hours of the night, and you never tired of driving these winding paths. The hills in front of you, the depth-less, unforgiving sea to your right, and the man you loved keeping you close while he drove on your left.

“Nothing is, with you.”

You barely heard him over the howl of the wind in your ears, or the explosion of the waves rushing each other over and over and over. A small smile blossomed on your lips.

“We’re being so soft I want to punch us in the face.”

Arthur’s laughter roared louder than any crack of thunder you had ever heard.

The king of Atlantis was inclined to agree with you.

Your fingers mindlessly traced exposed tattoos of the arm in your lap the rest of the drive, more preoccupied with the movement than the silence that filled the air until you returned to the lighthouse. The quiet was nice. It was soothing. It was rare, spending time with Arthur like this; even more so now that he had a whole other world to look after. A whole other kingdom to live in and govern and protect.

You accepted his decision long ago, reassured him you would be fine, because you would, and you were. He had your unyielding support both while he was away, and while he was with you.

It made you love him more, even, for refusing to pull the age old cowardice bullshit: “I can’t give you the attention you deserve anymore, so I’m breaking up with you, sorry.”

No - that was far from Arthur Curry’s style.

There was no walking on razor sharp eggshells around the subject, no hiding behind false truths and white lies about your truest thoughts and feelings, no internalizing or projecting your worst fears and horrifying nightmares that suddenly became real because he was leaving and he was fulfilling his destiny and you were staying here, on the surface, without him.

And yet - neither of you questioned this was how it had to be. How you wanted it to be, even just a little. He wanted to be there for his people, and you wanted him to stop running from his responsibilities, to embrace who he truly was. So you wanted this, for him, even though you missed him more than the sun missed the moon and the constellations missed their previous lives on the Earth. You knew he felt the very same way.

The truck eventually crept to a stop. The full moon shone snow-white rays through the windshield, making your bodies glow in the radiant light. It was enough to convince Arthur that maybe angels were real, and he had been with one all along.

It was enough to convince you that instead of Poseidon incarnate, Arthur could rival that of Apollon, God of Light.

“It’s almost time,” he said into the quiet, breaking the hushed spell you both had fallen under. His eyes were trained on the monumental expanse of the ocean now. Serene urgency laced with his voice, but he hadn’t moved to untangle himself from you, hadn’t moved except to press a kiss into your lips slow and grounding.

You moved instead, when you broke apart.

“Then why don’t we get out of this truck so you can kiss me goodbye properly?” you teased. The process of leaving had begun once more.

He stood by your side under the starlight, who broke the darkness with it’s poetry.

Arthur took your face in his hands and kissed you so fiercely you felt like the world was about to burn into nothing. It was a kiss that could end wars and bring hurricanes crashing down to land. It was a kiss that stole your breath, stopped your heart and rose the dead from their graves, the kind of kiss that restarted the cycle of life after death. It was a kiss that spoke so many words, so many phrases and spoke of feelings that were deep enough no words in any language existed for them yet. It was a kiss that made the mere mention of happiness seem like a figment of your imagination, because there was no way happiness could compare to what you were feeling in that one moment.

You felt it in your bones, felt it melt your bones.

All with the sea as your witness.

You pulled away breathless, not remembering what oxygen felt like or how you were supposed to breathe. The only anchor to this world was the gentle spray of the ocean on your skin, the light embrace of a salt breeze that felt like it was breathing for you, instead of on you. The cool tendrils of darkness and contentment kissed your spine, and you shivered just for a second.

This was peace, you realized.

This was peace and it was always only temporary, but in those last moments before Arthur told you he loved you more than Atlantis and the Surface and more than the sea combined –

Before you watched the dark waters swallow him whole again, you acted on those feelings. You followed your gut and threw yourself into the icy waters before he ever had the chance.

(Metaphorically, of course.)

“Marry me,” it flew past your lips so effortlessly, so fast - your hands were still lost in Arthur’s hair and neither of you had the chance to catch your breath.

A beat of silence.

And another.

It sunk in for both of you at the same time, what you just asked.

The shit-eating grin that moved mountains in your stomach graced his lips in a heartbeat.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

[kyukun]

Figment (OumaSai)

god i havent posted in a while but i am ALIVE!!! IVE JUST BEEN HELLABLAZY LATELY BUT UHHHHH YOU ASKED FOR ANGST AND I DELIEVERED LMAO HAVE FUNNNNN ;0000

title: figment

summary: Danganronpa is finally over. But the memories never faded. Especially the people.

word count: 1541

~~ prompt starts after cut! ~~

"Hey, Kokichi. How've you been?" He sat on the grass peacefully, his hat in between his legs as he crossed them. He turned his head, seeing flowers gently blossom over the grey stone. He smiled reminiscently, "I've been good. Though, things have been really quiet around here." He spoke softly, leaning against the gravestone beside him. 

 Shuichi fluttered his eyes open, noticing a mourning family walk along the pathway. "Danganronpa ended. That's all that matters, right?" Another silence had passed, the wind whispering through his ears as he gazed upon the other graves. He turned towards the rock, noticing the name embedded in it, feeling a wave of guilt wash over him.

 "Do you hate me? Be honest. I… I wasn't the most kind to you. I judged your character without even attempting to get close to you… You were never evil, you were scared. And I… And I judged you for it." Saihara had a feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't erase, tears warming his face as they streamed down endlessly. He sobbed into his hands, setting the bouquet of flowers he had upside the grave. 

 "Geez, Saihara-chan. Didn't know you were such a sad sap."

 His head whipped up as fast as lighting. That voice sounded all too familiar. Though, there was no way it was actually him. He was gone. He was just hallucinating. Yeah. Hallucinating.

 "Aw, are these hydrangeas? Shumai, how'd you know these are my favorite flowers? Did you spy on me?"

 Shuichi knew that it was him. There was no way he was hallucinating. He turned towards the grave, which is where the sound was the closest. At that moment, he could've sworn he was dreaming. As wind blissfully blew leaves across their bodies, he locked eyes with Kokichi. He was almost glowing? He was sitting on his grave, leg over the other as the flowers were in his lap. He grinned softly at Shuichi, whose tired eyes seemed to widen the minute they met with his. 

 "K-Kokichi? I thought you were--"

 "Dead?" He finished his sentence, placing the flowers next to the rest. "I am."

 "Then how are you…?"

 "I have some unfinished business. Mainly with you. So wipe those drips of snot and tears and let's get talking." He giggled, swinging down from the grave onto the grass. He sat cross legged, directly in front of Shuichi. Despite him being a ghost, he wasn't transparent. Well, not fully. He sat in front of the sun, which allowed Shuichi to see right through him. 

 His heart ached seeing the slight transparency with his body. While Shuichi could see him, and to a degree feel him, he was gone. There was no shadow, no slight crevices in the grass where he sat, nothing. "You look so tired. Come on, don't tell me you haven't been sleeping much because of me!" He laughed, but Shuichi hadn't been laughing. He hadn't even dismissed it like he normally did either. Instead he stared at the ground, tears forming at the corner of his eyes. 

 Kokichi nearly panicked, feeling a bit guilty. He was dead for pete's sake. He didn't think anyone would actually miss him. No, he's being too selfish right now. He needed to comfort Shuichi. 

 "H-Hey, Shumai. I was kidding. Are… are you okay?"

 Shuichi had no clue what came over him but he lunged for Kokichi. He gripped him tightly in a hug, both of them now in the grass. It was a weird experience. He could still somewhat feel Kokichi but he was cold. It felt like hugging a block of ice. Nonetheless, he hugged him. He sobbed into his scarf, releasing all of those inner feelings into his tears. 

 Kokichi had his eyes opened wide, shocked as a blush ran through his cheeks as the taller male greeted him with an embrace. Shuichi said nothing, tears meeting with the cold body beneath him. Kokichi had no clue why he was acting like this, he could feel Saihara's heartbeat against his lifeless, cold one. It made him feel good. 

 Shuichi, in a realization of what he was doing, stood up. Obvious tears streaming down his face as he helped Kokichi sit up. "Sorry. I don't know what came over me."

 Kokichi stared at Shuichi as he used the back of his sleeve to wipe his tears with a sad grin. His face was soft when he noticed how much Shuichi had cried. He used a hand to reach out and touch him hesitantly. A cold hand that bled through the sun cupped his cheek, wiping the pain away with one swipe. He used his thumb to wipe away the agony that had built up in those cold and lonely months he had experienced.

 Shuichi looked up, sleeve gently falling down into his lap as he looked at Kokichi. Not just looked, but really looked at him. The sun cowered over his shoulders, still gleaming in his eyes but creating a shadow over them. His purple irises watered as a genuine smile took place of the once soft expression. 

 Shuichi placed a hand over Kokichi's, feeling nothing yet everything at the same time. "Saihara-chan, I love you."

 Kokichi squeaked out those four words quietly, feeling himself being drowned in his own tears. "I really did… I… I'm sorry for pushing you away. I should've told you how I felt when I was alive but I could see the scorn in your face when you looked at me. You looked so much happier when I was away and… Shit, sorry." 

 Shuichi felt Kokichi's hand slip away from his, "Kokichi, uhm…"

 "No, it's fine. I shouldn't be crying. I should be comforting you." He stood up, drying his tears. He hadn't even given Shuichi the chance to speak. He cleared his throat, adjusting his scarf away from Shuichi. "Just kidding! Sorry about that!" The latter stared bewildered as the liar swung back towards the front of him, perfectly fine in a mere matter of seconds. His eyes were still visibly puffy, wet even. 

 For a split second he showed his true emotions. No ulterior motive, no lies, nothing. He let his true self show but covered it as quickly as it was revealed. Shuichi could feel himself being pulled in his eyes, never wanting to look away from them. "Kokichi? Can I ask you something?"

 "Mhm! Anything!"

 "Why…" He trailed off, unable to find the words he once had but soon regathered his thoughts. He stood up, "Why do you hide yourself like that?"

 "Hide what? I'm not hiding anything. Jeez, did you really believe that sob story? Saihara-chan must be really gullible, huh?"

 "Kokichi, stop messing around. You know what I'm talking about. You… You just confessed to me a minute ago and you're acting like it meant nothing. You can't mess with people's feelings like that."

 His face grew sour, but there was that hint of sadness that was there before. "Why not? It's not like you felt the same anyway."

 "You don't know how I feel."

 There was a moment of silence between the two. Kokichi turned from Shuichi, a faltering smile on his lips. "O-Of course I know! You had feelings for Kaede, didn't you? You two were really cute together." While he didn't outright deny that, he didn't confirm it either.

 "Regardless of my relationship with everyone else, you never gave me a chance to reflect on my feelings for you. Doesn't that matter to you?" Shuichi, in a heap of emotions, gripped Kokichi by the hand. He forced him to stay put. "I know it's too late for that now but… I'm not saying I didn't feel anything." Sooner than not, Kokichi had begun to disappear. 

 "I have to go. See you around." 

 He panicked, quickly trying to stop the fading body from leaving but it was too late. He was left alone in the graveyard just as before, the sun setting into shades of purple. 

 He fell to his knees, looking at the palms of his hands as if searching for Kokichi's hand to reappear in his. 

 He was… gone.

 He turned towards the gravestone with pleading eyes, not recognizing the letters engraved on it. He took a few minutes to process what had just happened. The name on the grave wasn't Kokichi's, but someone else's. He heard a voice pull him back into reality. 

 "Shuichi? There you are. You wondered off again. Are you okay? Why are you in a graveyard?"

 "I was… paying a visit to Kokichi." Maki looked at him with a face of confusion, "Who is Kokichi?"

 "We were in Danganronpa together, remember? He… He passed."

 "Shuichi, we've been through this. Kokichi doesn't exist remember? Your doctor told you he's just an imaginary person you made up. Your memory is all messed up from the game. We should go."

 No. That wasn't right. He… he was real. He wasn't fake. He could remember everything so vividly. The blood, the lies, the feelings. There was no fucking way he wasn't real. Shuichi brushed it aside for now, leaving the flowers by the gravestone, taking the hand that Maki had offered and stood up. "R-Right… let's just go."

 He wasn't real. He wasn't real. 

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

So tumblr ate the ask of course, but @multi-fandom-remy (I hope this was you that requested this my memory is not good and if it wasnt I'm sorry) sent a fic request where Janus has alexithymia and Remy falls for him regardless. Gonna just post it this way, suck it hell site!

I had to do some research for this as I dont know anyone who has this and I dont personally experience it. I tried to write it as accurately and respectfully as possible but please let me know if you feel I wrote it wrong or in a way that's offensive.

Three Times Janus Didn't Understand and The One Time Remy Did

Summary: Janus has alexithymia and doesnt understand what hes falling for; Remy is perfectly content to teach him.

Warnings: none really. Just not understanding ones own emotions. Ts spoilers if you havent watched the most recent Sanders Sides episode

Ship: Remy (sleep) x Janus (Deciet)

WC: 1, 505

Remy's head snapped up as the bell above the door chimed loudly, letting in a rather peculiar character. Dressed in black save for bright yellow gloves, their long trench coat swept around their ankles as they turned to make sure the door was shut. Truly curious now, Remy leaned forward eagerly, excitement thankfully hidden by his dark sunglasses.

The glasses did little to hide his reddening cheeks however as the newcomer swept off his hat and turned fully to face the cashier.

Oh. Remy leaned forward casually trying to hide the flood of oh-I-am-most-definitely-gay panic rising up through his chest. Sharp eyes breifly met his before darting back down as they made their ways towards the counter. Thanking every god that could possibly be real that the shop was empty at this time of day, he smiled easily as they came to a stop in front of the counter.

"Morning coffee. What babe will it be?"

The stranger snapped their head up in confusion, giving Remy only a split second to retain that their eyes were very pretty, one a pale brown and the other almost gold before his brain caught up with what his mouth had just uttered. Red cheeks reddening even further he closed his eyes and mentally slapped himself over the head with an industrial bag of coffee grounds.

Opening his eyes once again, he chuckled. "You'll find me dont discriminate here. We got flat white, Irish cream, long black." He cupped his cheek and smirked. "Or maybe you're the shy, straight vanilla kind of guy?"

The stranger, to his credit, was unimpressed, almost making Remy pout if it weren't for the fact he was still trying to scrape his pride up off the ground. "A mocha with five espresso shots please."

Whistling low, he turned to complete the order. "I'm assuming to go?"

"Yes."

"Late night?" He grabbed a cup and fiddled with the machine a bit, turning to grab the pump for the espresso as it began to run.

"In a sense."

Snorting, Remy turned to look again at the stranger. Through his obvious good looks there were eye bags that could rival his room mates', slumped posture and rather ratty shoes completing the picture for him. "I always hated college exams. Theres never enough time to cram."

"We've all bean there."

Pausing in applying the lid to the cup, Remy smirked and turned. "Did you just-?"

Seeming uncomfortable, the stranger shrugged, taking the drink and handing over the money. Offering a quiet thank you they left quickly, coat flying out like a cape behind them.

---------

Janus shoved his hands deeper in his pockets on the way to his favorite coffee shop. He had only been going there for a week now, but the coffee was amazing, and the cashier/coffee maker was...interesting. Janus' cheeks still burned in what he now realized was second hand embarrassment at the way the other had flirted? with him the first day. Patton said he had been flirting so he'd have to trust his friend knew what he was talking about. His stomach gave another uncomfortable flip as the shop came into view, making him grit his teeth in annoyance. Everytime he came here the same thing happened with his intestines, like they were too tight and too loose at the same time, flipping his stomach around in a way that felt like the flu...but better? Regardless it hadnt started until he had begun coming to the little shop and Janus was determined to pinpoint the cause. That was why he kept coming back.

No other reason.

His stomach flipped again as he shoved the door open, grimacing as he made up his mind to buy some kind of pastry with his usual coffee to try to quiet down what he was now going to assume were hunger pangs. This early in the morning the shop was blessedly empty, allowing him and the cashier to have their odd conversations in relative peace.

"Morning babes!"

He glanced up and tried for a smile, letting the odd movement drop after only a couple seconds. Remy smiled and smirked enough for the both of them anyway.

He made his way up to the counter, startling as a to-go cup was pushed his way.

"Regulars get the Remy special. Their usual cup of hot coffee ready before they even come through the door." He winked as he leaned against the counter, hitting Janus with the realization that the man had apparently forgone his sunglasses for the day. Deep brown eyes stared back at him before he broke eye contact, snapping his gaze to the cup in front of him.

"I'd like a muffin with it today as well, if you would."

"Sure. What kind?"

Janus looked up hopefully. "Banana nut?"

Remy bit back a laugh, muttering 'nut' under his breath while retrieving the requested pastry. Rolling his eyes Janus dug out the cash; he was learning Remy was fond of unintentional innuendos, Patton pointing out that that had been what he was insinuating in their first meeting. He tried for a polite smile again as he grabbed his items after paying, stomach going it's odd flip again as the other man smiled back.

Maybe it was the air.

------

Remy perked up as the door chimed, smiling as his favorite regular made his way through the door right before closing time. He had somehow gotten the rather shy man to agree to a date (an outing the other had insisted) taking place after his shift had ended. He seemed tense and Remy was determined to take his mind off whatever it was that kept his shoulders up and head down. He grabbed up his sunglasses as he hopped over the counter, earning a confused smirk for his effort. Smiling easily, he readjusted his bag and whipped out the store key to swing around his finger.

"Ready to go, tall, dark and snarky?"

The man merely ducked his head and shoved his hands further in his pockets, strolling quickly out the door for Remy to follow.

"So I realized we're going on this date-"

"Outing."

"Alright babes. So we're going out and I still don't know what to call you?"

The man stared blankly. "You call me things all the time?"

Sighing in exasperation as the Prompt went completely over the man's head he gestured them forward. "I meant your name hon."

"Oh! My name is Janus."

Tilting his head in surprise, Remy regarded him for a moment. "Janus. I like it. Really suits your aesthetic."

Janus seemed unsure of how to respond, scuffing his toes along the sidewalk rhythmically. "My aesthetic?"

"Yeah. Janus is a Roman god right? I can see it."

Offering up a blank look, the other man pursed his lips in thought. "No one...well usually people say that Janus is...an odd name."

Remy shrugged. "I took some course or other in high school that taught about ancient gods or whatever. People are bitches."

Moving away slightly, Janus nodded. "Undoubtably."

-----

Alexithymia.

Janus watched as everything seemed to click into place for his companion. This was always the tipping point in every relationship, friend or otherwise. Patton had been the only exception thus far that accepted the fact that Janus was a lost cause when it came to emotions.

No, that wasnt fair to himself. There was nothing wrong with him, he knew that. It was only the fact that he couldn't understand the emotions being processed. He knew he had them, he just could never quite pinpoint which ones, at any given time and what the reasons for them were. Sure it made socializing difficult, people often labeling him as awkward or withdrawn in any given situation; when in reality he just was rarely given enough time to try and pinpoint what one emotion was before being put in a situation where a different response was needed. It was honestly exhausting.

He bit his lip as he looked back over to Remy, seeing that same smile he always gave him that made his stomach flip every time. He tried offering one of his awkward smiles, feeling that that was the most appropriate for the situation.

Remy softened as he took off his glasses, turning to face him fully. "You dont have to do that around me, it's okay. Just be yourself, and tell me if and when you get uncomfortable yeah?"

Janus' eyes filled with tears as he twisted his fingers in his jeans. An intense wave of emotions came over him, making him choke slightly as he tried in vain to process everything. He felt Remy take his hands gently and squeeze them, tugging slightly as he unconsciously leaned towards the other.

Just two people sitting on a park bench in the late evening, with about 15 shots of espresso between them holding each other with a confused understanding. Janjs smiled, a very tiny one, but the first genuine one in a long time.

Despite everything, he had Remy. He knew he'd be okay.

This work is also available on AO3!

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Review Update (09/01/20)

I am not going to lie, it has been one hell of a day, I am utterly exhausted and don’t really know what to say/where my head is at but here goes…(TW)

Apparently todays review was called to discuss another short inpatient admission because of my weight, which I was NOT made aware of or had any sort of discussions about before hand.

Let us just say that the whole session was utter shit.

Today I was told by my consultant that I will never recover in the community. That I was categorically a SEED patient. And that I will never amount to anything.

I was told that my thoughts around the residential unit are all anorexia talking and that it is very unwise to not want to go down that route (note: one of my main reason for not wanting to go is because they focus on maintaining illness/it is not full recovery focused and I WANT to be recovery focused)

She told me that I am all talk and always say the “right” thing but never actually change….she then told me that I will never manage to live without my anorexia but gave no suggestion/support.

The team are discussing me at the next team meeting to most likely change the care pathway that I am on...

I was made to feel like I have wasted everyone’s time and all resources because apparently I have had “so much psychological and EDP support and lots of admissions” (note: I have had THREE admissions, all of which have been SHORT and not been for weight recovery) and that it is my choice to not use any of the information that I have gained. (Please don’t get me wrong, I am SO grateful for the support I have had but the way that I was spoken to today was just awful)

This change in care pathway would be to a “monitoring” one where they would basically see me every few weeks or so to monitor my physical health but give no other support.

She completely breezed over and wouldn’t even acknowledge how hard the past few months have been for me due to losing a family member, someone who was basically family and lived next door (which also meant that I lost the dogs who were a huge part of my life) and then my cat passing away - she made me feel pathetic for finding things difficult during this time and like I was making up all these things as excuses. (note: I must say though that my EDP has been really supportive around this area of things)

By today they wanted me to have contacted some volunteering, which I have done and applied for and  even went along to see what was possible but in the end I made the decision, due to the conditions there, that it would not be helpful for me. 

However I HAVE gone a step beyond this and, since the beginning of the month/year, I have begun the process of applying for a part time role at my local library, which again, my EDP is super keen on and said this shows a shift, but no, my consultant would not even acknowledge this.

During the whole review I was made to feel about 5 years old and like I will never amount to anything in my life, I sat in the corner and hung my head, feeling myself growing smaller and smaller by the moment.

My consultant has now also decided that she is calling a meeting with my parents before they go away to NZ in February to tell them about this change in care pathways and to tell them that if they were to take me to NZ (it is my grandad’s funeral and I have, on purpose, not mentioned anything on here about it because I didn’t think it would be possible and yeah it has been a very difficult subject but there was the possibility of me going out...) then I could die/she would not advise it on any level due to my physical health and doesn’t think I would be able to cope with any of it , which she of course wants to tell them in person….(This is despite my GP actually being the one that got me to thinking properly about going out as she thinks it might do me some good/be helpful despite the fragility of me health and that staying alone at home in the UK whilst my parents are out there for a month could do more harm - I do love her and am so grateful that she is my GP)

So yep, I am now on a waiting list and if I lose any weight they want me to go in for another short admission.  I just….I don’t even know. Where the hell do I go from here? I feel like everything is being taken from underneath me and I am being punished for doing things “wrongly” 

Right now I feel so unsupported. My EDP sat in the corner not making a noise throughout this whole review/talk. 

I feel like everyone has given up on me

Maybe staying with the service is keeping me unwell. idk. but I just dont get how we went from one minute an admission to then being sidelined and having all this said to me?!

My mind is a complete mess. I genuinely can’t think straight and don’t know what to say. One moment I am more than ready to throw in the towel and give up but then the next I am like “screw you and your service, you are not going to stop me from getting better”....

Right now I am utterly terrified of doing the wrong thing/saying the wrong thing/making the wrong decision.

I fell like I am have been penned into a corner. Being told that I will never be able to get better and that I am never going to be able to live without anorexia is brutal and has knocked me completely. 

And that was it....that’s where it ended. I have not been given an alternative to consider or any support around this. 

SIGH.

This afternoon I delivered a note to my GP surgery to try to explain a few things as I just dont know where to turn. My parents are, let’s just say, not happy about how I was spoken to today (I told mum on the phone afterwards whilst crying) and so we are going to try to see my GP before this appointment that my consultant wants to have on 21st January….

I’m sorry for being so crappy and distant and not sharing things on here about the job or NZ...I havent really known what to say and it has all been so up in the air. I also didn’t want to face the backlash which I thought I would get for it but yeah here is the truth. 

I better bloody sleep well tonight.

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Introducing me(us???)?

Ok no that's a terrible freaking title. We are not the jonas brothers.

Who's we? Haha honestly I'm not even sure anymore. This is a hard one to write because I literally don"t tell anyone about my "inner world" which is why I'm keeping my blog anonymous for now .

I guess I'm just a wierd human with a messed up brain that has no reason to be messed up. I'm in the process of figuring it all out .

Long story short "we" is me and my ... I'm not sure what to call them I used to think they were just imaginary freinds , but they have become something so much more real.

I remember being 5 years old and having imaginary freinds like any other child. I cant remember much but I'm pretty sure my home life was perfect. I have an amazing mum and dad and even had two grandparents at the time. I remember happiness and my cat who really wasnt a fan of me , but I adored her regardless , even if she did end up scratching the living hell out of me on many occasions. My main issue at the time was serious separation anxiety, I couldn't handle being away from my parents , it got better towards the end of the school year I think after a lot of spending most of the year screaming until my dad would pick me up. I found it hard making freinds as I was somewhat anti social and liked playing on my own often, but I found a freind in the end. I think we got on so well cause she was different too. Turned out she had Autism, something that I'll probably talk about a lot here. Anyway as I said back then was when I first remember having imaginary freinds , and constantly daydreaming . I used to watch my dad play video games a lot so a lot of my daydreams would be based off the video games . At the time It was perfectly fine. I was just a strange kid who had an over active imagination, zoned out a lot in school , and often enjoyed my own company, but couldn't understand why my peers didnt like the antisocial wierd kid. I remember getting teased as I have a harmless autoimmune skin condition that I developed aged 3 and I felt alienated for it . The serious bullying didnt start until later in primary school though .(I think age 11 or thereabouts, was when shit really hit the fan) Anyway the imaginary freinds were originally just that . Unfortunately things changed when my one freind from school left and moved across the country. I had no freinds so that's where I began to use my imaginary freinds to replace real people. By the time I was 13 I'd almost completely isolated myself , I didnt know how to interact with real people.

I eventually thought I'd got it all under control . I found a group of people that were all a bit wierd. Originally it was cool and I fit in okay.

When I went to sixth form college, stuff started to get weirder though. I'd been struggling throughout secondary school I'd spent a lot of time kind of going back into my alternate reality . Even at freinds parties I used to pretend that I was a different person in my alternate reality doing something with my inner world family. I mentioned it once or twice to someone at CAHMS (The british child mental health services) that I was seeing as I'd struggled a lot with anxiety and self harm , but I never wanted to be fully honest about it . I was embarrassed.

Aged 12 I remember "pretending" to be a character called Casey. At the time I was spending a lot of time pretending I was Kasey and I was making a talk show with my other imaginary freinds . Eventually another character called Paulie took Casey's place .

Paulie's whole existence is kinda embarrassing. They're a typical queer cringe OC That you know a 14 year old neurodivergent weirdo would make up. I kind of originally used them as a way to explore my special interests. And to understand things about the world . In many ways Paulie was kind of a reflection of myself and you know everything was fine . Paulie is a 5ft7 young non binary person . Born male but definitely presents more feminine. Some of the other details about them came from me incorporating things I'd learned from various medical documentaries and things I'd researched on the internet. (One of my special interests always was science , particularly biology, when I was young I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet or something like that. I dont know why I find it so fascinating. It's kind of my party trick - boring people with the details of a random medical condition that they absolutely did not ask for.) I'll go into full details at some point . I find it kind of embarrassing to talk about it all.

Anyway It used to be great we used to pretend to do makeup on our youtube channel that of course did not exist .(the deeper I get into this the more I want to delete my life) it became to the point where I was doing daily "vlogs" in the inner world as Paul , again just something I day dreamed about. It was getting beyond the limits of normal daydreaming.

At some point I came across a video about "Maladaptive daydreaming " for once in my life I didnt feel quite so alone. I couldn't believe that I wasnt the only one who did this! Ever since then I've toyed with the idea of opening up about it , maybe through some sort of blog or youtube video etc. However, I wasn't ready until now. I'm still not ready to be completely open with my freinds and family (the one person who even knows 1/3 of this stuff is my mum) which is why I'll remain anonymous for now .

In the last 2 years things have gotten increasingly more strange and confusing. When I was in sixth form college (british equivalent of high school) Paulie started to be kind of phased out of my daydreams. Then Eric showed up.

Again , it was just daydreaming that had gone a bit too far at this point, however I soon realised that my personality appeared to have changed to become much more like Eric. I stopped wearing makeup so often. I began to feel dysphoric about my body , I began to wish I was Eric.

From then it's just been confusing. It's never just been Paul , Casey or Eric . At first i thought I'd just made an imaginary family. I've been saying that I have literally no idea why because my family are great. But I wonder if it was because I lost my nan and then metaphorically lost my dad.

My dads not dead , hes alive (just about I mean he smokes like a chimney so it's probably only a matter of time) Our relationship is so wierd. I try to be grateful for him purely because hes not a completely bad person. He gave me a great childhood and has never laid a finger on me. But when I was about 13 , I lost him. He became self absorbed in his own past.

Around about that time one of my dads ex freinds died. Since then dads been remembering things from his past and is convinced that this ex freind emotionally abused him and traumatised him for life.

Hes told me the stories so many times because hes so caught up in it that I should probably remember more of what he told me but honestly I think after the third time I just gave up with talking to him. Dad never cares about what you're talking about . He only cares about himself.

I'll spare you the details for now. Maybe I'll make a post about it. I suppose that's his shit not mine though . I dont deny that his ex freind wasnt exactly nice to him and cheated him out of a relationship. But I just feel like he should maybe you know go to therapy rather than sitting at home , freeloading from my mum , mumbling to himself all day about things that happened in the past.

Its very selfish of me because I know even though dads not exactly had the worst life, and he is a little bit of a narcissist who thinks that hes had the worst life possible , I know hes hurting. But I used to have a dad , now hes just not there. We used to do stuff , and I used to adore him, However hes just not my dad anymore. Theres glimmers of him there . But hes so entangled with the past , (and also a bit delusional) that I cant have a normal father daughter relationship with him anymore.

I guess maybe the combo of that , the strain its put on my parents marriage (they're still together but they argue more now) and the fact that I'm a sensitive little snowflake who really cant deal with anything unpleasant, is the reason I created my imaginary family. I don't know if I want to put it down to that though. I feel like that makes me sound like my dad , blaming my problems on what feels like insignificant past events.

Anyway. I kind of hate the fact that I have another family on the inner world. Because even though my dads a bit of an asshat , hes my dad and as a multitude of people have told me " at least you have a dad , at least your parents are still together" and I adore my mum. Like shes as close to a perfect mum as you get in this world. Of course she has off days and it's not always sunshine and rainbows , but shes amazing. She loves me , she supports me through everything and she does so much for me. No matter how many times I screw up she just sighs and helps me move on. Mind you. I havent got anyone quite like her in the inner world.

Since I've been more honest with myself (and the boys) about the fact that I am in fact daydreaming and its not real , the boys have begun to accept my mum as their own almost. Obviously they have real mums, but I know they love her to pieces.

Anyway, so this big imaginary family. Has become more than that. A lot of the dudes are still just imaginary freinds but with a few of the boys , whom I've introduced you to two out of the three, have become scarily real. Eric is the main one. The last couple of years it's progressed to the point where sometimes , I'm not sure if I am me or if I am Eric , or if Eric is me. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in his voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. And sometimes he looks in the mirror and sees me. I think as Paul was so feminine. It didn't show so much. We could just pretend we were me on the outside. But when Eric is in my headspace, I hate my feminine body, I've bought a binder and my wardrobe is becoming less feminine. Because I just dont feel like the same person. I'm honestly so confused I really dont know what is going on or why it's happening.

In some ways the inner world is still just me navigating the world and my way of making sense of things. But it's also kind of like , parts of my personality, as little people that live in my brain , but not quite , I cannot begin to explain it .

And then of course, just when I'm trying to figure out the Eric saga and who the hell I even am anymore, Vlad pops up.

I'll always have a soft spot for Vlad. Hes Paul's older brother and has been in the inner world for quite some time , but has been more I suppose, in my headspace as I call it in the last six months or so. Hes the only one that I've managed to do a successful drawing of thus far although I'll try and do some of the other dudes at some point. Only issue is Vlad would much rather we doodle bugs than the other boys. Vlad has been my way of exploring the whole prospect of having Autism , I'm not diagnosed yet as the waiting lists are frankly ridiculous (yay for the tories?) but I've based vlads character around the traits that I have, and he helps me not be so ashamed of being neurodivergent. He also kind of helps me deal with my Emetophobia (the fear of vomiting) and my issues I have around food - which I honestly thought weren't that bad until I got told that the issues I've been having with my stomach and swallowing for the last year , are completely down to my anxiety. And it was at that point that I realised I may have been a teensy bit more traumatised by my phobia of vomiting than I originally believed. In fact vlads backstory is based off of my whole fear of being sick and what started it off (that time the norovirus kicked my ass, big time) .

Uhh so theres a bit about us . I'm not ready to fully open up yet . I want to eventually tell you more about the inner world but baby steps hey. I plan on trying to post more but , I'm useless so I wouldn't count on it.

[bishiglomper]

Dad is making me depressed. Not on purpose. He's making me more aware and super self concious about a specific flaw..

I heard someone say once he was worried about my lack of ambition. Toward school and shit. Never had any idea of any goal. Never got my ged and shit. Apathetic about it all.

At first it was like of course not, I got fucked out of certain things I needed. Like school. Literally got taken out. Im not capable of doing shit on my own. I need to be walked through everything. Another example is he bought me a guitar but without at least BASIC lessons, fingering and shit, I couldn't do anything about it.

We're talking about what we should do with the spare day in New York- I've never been. So we gotta DO something! But... Its gonna be wet and cold and its gonna be a bitch on my body to move around. Just walking on fridays grocery run wears me out. Can you imagine me walking around New fucking York? I'm gonna fuckin' die.

I really dont care what we do. I move slow. I can walk if theres frequent sitting but.... Really nothing interests me beyond the musical. I'd like to see the Christmas stuff maybe. But nothing touristy excites me.

Dads already a little frustrated and we havent even begun to make details. He told his wife he was gonna have to hit me with a 2x4 just to get me to decide on a restaurant or something. 👀💧 what really made me realize how fucked up I am tho..

They were talking about introducing me to a friend who lived in japan. Dad's wife was so excited over the prospect. Thinking we'd chat all about the culture and language and fun shit like that.

Maybe 10 years ago. I havent watched or read anything lately. I dont play with translating anymore. Theres not much spark left there. But I couldn't really say "nah I really dont care" 😓

But that is how i feel! I don't care! About literally anything! I dont know if its the antidepressant or the fact that my brain has lost so much fucking processing power. But everything is too much effort. I just dont care enough.

I mean, I swear to god, I dont go through my day like "nothing matters. We all die in the end" or anything. It's more of a hippie vibe. I don't care what's going on, just let me be. I will vibe with whatever. I am the NPC companion.

Like these people really dont know what to do with the fact that I dont want the tv. 😂 I have no shows I watch for myself (left to see, anyway) I prefer to just sit with someone while they do their thing. Like I sat in with dad while he worked and did his zoom. I was just on my phone. That is my idea of a good time. It is boring and uninvolved; understimulating, but it makes me content, you know?

Unfortunately that is just my life. I don't know if its the autism, depression, trauma, brain damage? I dont fucking know. 😩

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M LIKE THIS. AND IT'S MAKING ME FEEL BAD.

[gaberoothekangaroo]

i havent been okay for awhile. there was the trauma of my childhood, early teens, and late teens that i had begun to process once being out on my own in college for the first time. but i wasnt focused on the trauma or what it had done to me. i was too busy exploring things that id hever had a chance to experience or do like my friends or peers had done. i was allowed to like things. i was allowed to buy things. to exist. and thats more of what i focused on. hard to have something taken from you if theres no one around to take it.

and then i graduated and returned home because i wasnt financially stable and didnt know where i wanted to go with my life. id gone to college for something i was good at and liked, not something i could make a life with. and i dealt with that instead of my trauma.

one of the things that cropped up in my late teens that never left, that i never ignored or put on the back burner was my picking. zits, pick. bumps, pick. scars, pick. enough time wasted that id lose myself for hours in front of the mirror picking at my face or sitting idly in my room picking at different parts of my body. its continued throughout my life. getting on a long dose of acutane helped to clear up some of the picking cause now there were less things to pick. but that happened more recently. i learned picking was most likely a body repetitive disorder. a cousin of ocd.

no one is a paragon of mental health in my family. my mom needs help mentally and refuses to acknowledge any issues. my dad is bitter over the fact that during their marriage she needed help and instead created a toxic divide that led to their divorce. no one ever talked about mental health in a positive way. or in something to look out for.

so i guess i never realized that picking was something i needed help for. trauma, yes but later in life was when i realized i needed help for that. so being away in college paranoia? ocd? something of the two slipped in alongside the picking and never left. it was never bad. i didnt count. things didnt have to be a specific way. but i checked the door. and again. and again. again. again. which graduated to checking the car. if i was still within 15-20 ft i would go back, unlock it, and check to make sure i locked it. yank on the door handle. and i would have continuous anxiety about is the car locked? not enough to overtake my thoughts, but enough to bother me until my attention was diverted to class or groceries or whatever. repeatedly check that i turned in an assignment. not just one, but multiple calendars or checklists. constantly asking my dad something multiple times. but are you sure? are you though? what about now?

and very quickly it transferred to my cat. check to make sure hes still inside. crack open the door to make sure hes still inside. look around the stairwell. check the door. is he still inside? and that progressively got worse over the years. before the pandemic it was bad enough that i would pick him up from wherever he was and put him on the couch in view of the window by the door so that i could see he was there when i locked the door. and checked the door. and checked. and checked.

pandemic hit and. i couldnt keep things clean. i couldnt keep my space clean. i couldnt keep myself clean. my cat clean. and i moved out of my room and into my office/the den. i did it while everyone was gone. i shut myself away because i could control how clean i felt in my room. but that progressed to not feeling very clean in my own room and hardly in my own bed. ive reached the point where i dont feel safe or clean being near my dad or sibling. they go out. they see other family. they dont social distance. theyve been out drinking and to restaurants. and theyre not vaccinated. and i feel so unclean next to them.

and the feeling of being unclean led to my showers growing from just washing extra long to multiple hours. 20 seconds is good enough to get the germs off your hands? must be applicable to the rest of your body.

it takes a lot of effort and energy and hypervigilance to be downstairs the 1-2 times i do it a week. then the effort and energy of showering until i dont feel dirty. its a lot. its been a strain. ive had the strong desire to stab myself and cry and scream because im at my wits end. this is not sustainable. ive trapped myself and i dont know how to get out. i dont know how to ask for help or where to go. what to do.

my cat has a cold and has been prescribed medication thats refrigerated, given 2x a day every 12 hours. i leave my room twice a week, spend an hour downstairs, and then the next four in the shower. i cant medicate him. and my anxiety is too high to call the vet back and ask them for something else. and im trying to be open with my dad about my mental health but its hard. he doesnt know everything. he doesnt even know 1%. and all i want to do is cry

im so tired. the pandemic has forced me to deal with my past trauma because theres a lot of patterns in the current trauma. its forced me to deal with my ocd or germaphobia or whatever it is. my chronic health conditions are out of control. i feel like im drowning in mental illnesses and trauma. and im so tired

[kristanyeo492984-blog]

ftv zeba - Things You Won't Like About Ftv Sexy Models And Things You Will

For years it had been a thorn in my heart , but since few days it has been like a beutiful thing a beutiful romance , may be i have matured enough. dad Wanted me to go to the city college which was 12 hrs train journey , and there was a entrance exam for that for 5 days , dad was busy so he had booked fashion tv sex images tickets for me and mom . So thought of sharing this with you , its a beutiful thing its about my mom who had 5 days of getway from the household life and i am sure she must be relishing beutiful memories.

So dont get bored already and hit the back button this is beutiful but also very erotic i sometimes still masturbate thhinging of it. I will be elaborating this and will compile in parts because i would like to register every moment of it. Really some times i used to wonder mom could have easily married a handsome more romantic rich man. i am from india , small town , small family me mom and dad, dad was working as a bank manager , mom was a housewife married early , spent most of the time doing household work and her spare time included wathching tv. we adjusted and setteled mom liked the window seat so i gave it to her. Mom was medium height, fair with not plump not skiny, beutiful middleages figure , she had beutiful sensual face , especially her lips and nose,her bust was perfect and she had not gained extra fat , she used to wear beautifull colored sarees that went with her skin and her blouses were were in perfect shape not too low cut her navel was sligtly exposed just to show a small glips of her fair tummy , men used to give her the looks , and scan her. they settled on the seat opposite to us. at next station man about 48-50 and his daughter around 15 enterd with their luggage, he was dressed in jeans and t-shirt good looking, and looked much younger for his physic. She was 42 when this happened , i had passed matriculation exam and was 15 yrs old , and the ileana tight process of searching and securing admission for colleges had begun , india is populated country and there is cut throat competition every where. the man took a newspaper and started reading. Mom was very beutiful but conservative woman, though she used to keep her self moderately fashionable in housewives term , like cutting and shaping her hair , doing eyebrows, facials etc for functions and all, and she did like to flaunt her beauty , every woman does. Mom hesitated she was not so practical about things most of the time she spen was in house hold work , she was well educated but being a non working woman she had not developed that practicality , and she had never gone out with out dad , but there was no other option now , dad was busy he was always busy and off late spent very little time with me and mom. i had taken the side birt and layed on the pillow and started studying. the daughter took her walk man and went on the upper birth and started reading a book. so the day came and we boarded the train ,the train was almost empty since it was not the holiday season, our compartment had a older couple seated on side lower birth. he asked her where we were heading , she told him about my entrance , he laughed and said they were on the same endeavor. the daughter on the birth had gone to sleep it was only 7 0 clock. his glipse were getting obvious with a little more time, mom looked at him once and saw he staring at her , she adjusted her saree and looked out , he turned his head away immediately. he got up and waked his daughter up she came down and he told her about us , he called me , i went from the side birth and we were sitting together. i took my entrace prepartion books alison and lia started studying. hi all this little incidence happened 15 years back and i have still kept a secret untill now. If you have any inquiries about wherever and how to use fashion tv sex images, you can get in touch with us at our web-site. after a while the daughter went back to the birth and i to the side birth and started studying. Mom laughed and said its ok, she must be intelligent he lauged it off, i saw mom getting more comfortable talking to im now she started asking about his native , how often does he come to india . he introduced his daughter to me ,he asked why my dad had not come i told him about his busy scedule ,he looked at mom and said not to worry he will take care of all arrangements for us hotel bookings and droping us to the exam hall every day. Mom used to turn on talking about her college days her professors and all , this made her looose all her inhibitions and their conversation went on about the proffesors and collegues and all. The ter man said your son is studios look at ny daughter she doesn even care. After a while mom got up to take her bag from the rack above but couldnt reach it , the man immediately got up and reached and gave her the back , mom muttered a thankyou and gave a smile he smiled back saying you ftvgirls photo are welcome. it came out he was from our native place and he studied in the same college as mom . After a while i saw the man had stopped reading the newspaper and looking out the window , both mom and him were oppsosite each other on the window seats and he was having a glimpse of mom every now and then , mom was a beautiful woman and men used to stare at her and i used to get uncomfortable going out with mom for shopping and all especiall when dad was not around , and this was a first time were going alone for 5 days. there a brief silence and then mom said , i think i better sleep , other wise i will drowsy tomorrow, he said ya sure even i am about to doze. so we ate and he commented to mom that she is a wonderful cook , mom commented no , your wife must me cooking better, he said with a sad voice that his wife expired 5 yrs back , mom was taken back , it must have been difficukt for the girls , he said yes but his sister has filled in the role and taken good care of her daugld hhter , i feel sorry for mydaughter more he his daughters shoulder, we finished and i went up on the upper birth to sleep so did shridhars daughter, mom and shridhar still sat, he said he will book rooms for us in same hotel as theirs so it is comfortable to go to exams together, mom said thankyou and said its so nice we met i was worried ftv kristin babes gallery how a dumb housewife like me can manage this. Shridhar said , don t call yourself dumb, i dont know why housewifes call themseleves dump they just put so much in the lifes of their husband and children no working woman can do that, their was silence and mom said, it must have been difficult for you , he said yes its always difficult for a man with out a woman, life becomes so painfull sometimes , forget it . Dinner time arrived and mom called me , she took out what she had packed and offered them ,shridhar said not to bother they will order from the pantry, mom insisted not to eat outside and it unhealthy and that she always packs more, she said their is enough for all of us. For triffle resons i have not slept in my life , and i was so curious about things i always went after. No mom will tell her son. This particular incidence is no different had i been a normal man i wouldnt have chased what was to come and wouldnt have ever known about this , i mean 99 percent of the people dont know that their mom slept with someone else in marriage. well i couldnt sleep and waited for him to come i saw him come finally he sat down at his seat and stared at mom he stared for a while then he got up and came close to her , i bent my neck to see what he is doin and ready to shout if any thing absurd , he took the ends of her shawl adjusted it coverd her and went to sleep. I confirmed he was a good man, perhaps lonely and may be he liked mom , but as a good man he behaved knowing she is a married woman , i felt no doubt he was a good man. Mom got her shawl and went to sleep on the lower birth , he turned of the light and went to sleep on the opposite lower birth, he closed his eyes and seemed like going to sleep , i couldnt sleep because from top i caould easily see him , after a while i saw him getting up and took his bag from the rack , from the bag he took out what looked like a bottle of booze and went in to the corrider i got up and went behind him from ftv frv girl samantha a distance i saw him drinking and smoking i went back on my birth i saw mom was sleeping , her shwal had come down and her saree pallu had come down her beutiful face and her mountain of womanly breasts were showing , i couldnt wake her up and now my mind raced , shridhar will come drunk and see mom , god i couldnt sleep . he told his name was sridhar , she said she kind of recollects him as a senior. he told us he works in australia and come come specifically for his daughters admission. i climbed up on my birth and waited , i was over cautious and dirty minded all my life , part of the reason i think now the reson i havent grown up in life. I had mixed feelings never seen mom like that , getting so comfortable in no time , he was a good looking charming guy , nice shoulders and built thick trimmed mustache , mom was beutiful ,any mans desire, until she resisted, but here it was like a bolt sudden it was not much just a formal conversation but , to me, had never seen mom like that talking to a stranger so freeely.

[travelinghermit]

July 9 - Enter Bolivia

So it has already begun. Its kinda funny after yesterdays write up talking about challenge and my bike still going strong. Well here I am in a hotel which I wasnt supposed to be in tonight with my bike in some random shop which looked like some young kids personal garage. Quite honestly I have no idea if its even safe, after the first breakdown of the journey. On day 1 of Bolivia. Here we go.

I have been in South America now for nearly six months and I still havent gotten over the fact that nothing opens on Sundays. Some small markets, a few restaurants but thats it. I woke up early on my final morning in Peru anxiously anticipating my breakfast of wafflels, eggs, and a coffee. I walked down to the Ricos Pan Cafe and of course its closed. I eventually walked into a hotel and ate from their limited supply buffet but it was sufficient to appease my appetite for $6.00 or so, not bad.

After I went back to the hotel packed my things, got my bike ready and was off by 9:00am. The road this morning was straight, dead straight along Lake Titicaca on a clear blue day. I was in no rush, I had zero plans to enter the capital city of Bolivia, La Paz - the first destination on my Bolivian route so I was cruising enjoying the day. By midday I reached the border town of Desaquadero where I was hoping for a seamless and easy border crossing. What I got was a needlessly annoying process of having to go to all these different controls and stations just for two stamps. Why dont they just have one area for the exit stamp and one area for entrance stamp like the border between Ecuador and Colombia? But again I was in no rush because I deffinitley wasnt going to be entering La Paz the Bolivian capital so I had all the time to be off riding into this new country nearly forgetting to get my entrance stamp and also making sure to exchange currency.

With all stamps and necessary documents accounted for I was finally in Bolivia! My fourth country of the journey and I couldn’t be more excited. I was entering uncharted territory with no preconcieved ideas or images to rely on, everything was fresh. Its very rare that can happen in a world which can be seen by a click of a mouse.

On the Bolivian side now the road and terrain was no different, straight flat with yellow farmland all around me, cows, sheep, and dogs scattered around, hills in the distance, snowy peaks in the far distance. I may have been riding on flat straight roads but make no mistake about it I was flying high in the sky at 3800 meters above sea level. I was making great time infact too good of time. I had no desire entering La Paz like I have insisted. Entering capital cities is THE worst part of this journey. Behind black truck exhaust for an hour just to get to the center then finding a hotel that can storage my moto is a nightmare. No no I wasnt going to do it on my first day in the country especially it being 3pm already. But then I had reached Laja the town which was my goal to reach today. It didnt appeal to me one bit and there the city of La Paz was I could see in the distance. I believe I made a loud grunting noise and then began continuing on towards La Paz when suddenly I heard a grinding noise come from my bike as I shifted up gears from Neutral. I immediately thought it was something to do with the gears and made a note to take to a shop in the city.

Fun fact: La Paz is the highest capital city in the world at 3640 meters above sea level and over 800m higher than the second highest capital Quito, Ecuador. Heres something crazy - think about a city laying at the summit of Mount Baker and then add another 400 meters and thats where I am right now.

I got into La Paz at around 4pm. I had about an hour and a half to find a hotel before dusk, I thought that was do able. The grinding never stopped, hearing that spine tingling sound every time I sped up after gearing down was getting intolerable. I stopped at the side of the road. Slowly moving from neutral to see exactly what it was and it wasnt the clutch it was from my observation the chain grinding on the cover. But by then the bike wasnt moving an inch without that grinding getting louder which meant an inability to move any further. I wouldnt technically call this a “break down” as its a simple fix I think but I the bike couldnt go any further so it is what it is. I then got off and started pushing it in the direction some man told me a mechanic was. I thought id be walking forever but maybe 5 minutes of walking the bike there it was to the left a young guy working on a bike among an entire row of shops completely closed. The young mechanic took the back wheel apart and seemed to be confident that it wasnt just a grinding of the chain and cover but both rotating gears where the chain revolves were busted. Were they really? I dont know what a busted gear looks like but it looked fine to me but whatever I just wanted the bike to work and get going again. Luckily for me it was Sunday and again nothing is open. So I had no choice but leave the bike with this random guy in a country of which I have been in for a total of 3 hours. On the upside everything went smoothly as long as the bike is still there tomorrow, I found a decent hotel for $12 about 10 minute walk away from this garage with a huge window in my room of many 6000m peaks right infront of it. Thats nice and tomorrow morning at 8 ill go over and get this whole thing settled and by tomorrow night we’ll all be having a laugh.