#no i think i started at 5 but STILL AJSDHJSHDJSHDH

[tenacityreturns]

kise is in no way reliable, he knows that. he didn't thought himself of being reliable when he doesn't even know what he wants to do for the rest of his life. never felt like he was in control of that, anyway. and maybe he'll never be in control of it. so here the blond was, sitting on a bench as he watched kagami do some throws in the hoop. it was still early and it was just a coincidence that kise was doing his morning jog when he spotted kagami in the court. he approached, received a simple greeting and that's that.

he could tell kagami was fuming about something. “ i can’t make you trust me. but i’m gonna stick around long enough for you to realize you can. ” flatly says, standing up from where he was and stole the ball from the latter. he said that because he wants to be able to be there for kagami, whenever he needed someone, anyone.

@ofmiracles

every so often, the frustration resurfaces that he relies a good deal on his team to support him in games. sure, anyone does to some extent. basketball is a team game. good teamwork is not weakness, nor is it something to take for granted. but kagami doesn't want to be a member of the best team. he is going to be the best. he loves seirin, and gets chastised for being self-centred or even selfish when he voices that sometimes seirin's wins don't feel like enough. so he doesn't voice them. he'll spend practice deep in thought, criticising every choice he makes. comparing it to better players. saying be more like him, or he wouldn't do that to himself. it's something that either his teammates aren't aware of, or are aware and know they can't do anything to help. they can distract him, remind him of the importance of a team, but they can't help.

on days like today, when nothing is good enough and the pressure he's put on himself is so intense that he fumbles, making it worse, this truly reflects on his mood. to try and drag himself out of this dark place, he'd stayed up late last night analysing nba matches, comparing where he is as a 17 year old enthusiast, to fully grown, nba champions. naturally, this doesn't help. as good as he is, as good as he knows that he is, kagami still feels like a small fish in a big pond sometimes.

his late night had made for a restless, tired day today. he'd zoned out through basically all of his classes, staring at the blackboard with his arms folded, envisioning plays and tactics almost as vividly as when he runs drills by himself. practice wasn't fun. the way he has been speaking to himself ( "you're not trying hard enough," / "you expect to make it big doing stupid mistakes like that?" / "that wasn't good enough. again. fail. do it again. that's not any better! try harder! do it again!" ) started to spill into how he spoke to his teammates and naturally he had clashed. like when koganei fucked up a perfectly easy pass because he'd blinked at the wrong time. fuck's sake, open your eyes next time maybe isn't the nicest thing to say to someone? he apologised to koganei, of course he did ( not much choice when there's berating coming from all sides ), but he hasn't been any kinder to himself. he'd come out after practice, followed by kuroko. no, i'm fine, kagami had said to him. and then, hoping that this would stop further questions, he continued i got stuff going on right now that i don't wanna talk about. catch you later, yeah?

he doesn't entertain this thought much, but if, by any chase, kagami is not good enough, what then? if he doesn't make the nba. it's almost unfathomable. he will. but if he can't? he'll keep trying. no-- see, it's relentless. kagami truly believes in himself, he is as tenacious as they come. but if he doesn't, there is no plan b. he doesn't care about anything else as much as this. his dad said he's sure he can get a job at the office, but the thought is laughable. asao, his father, is alive. he breathes, he eats, he sleeps, he works. but he doesn't live. kagami's perception is that a 9 - 5 is a slow death. it probably isn't, of course, but it feels that way to him. kagami recognises that it's stable, though. reliable. he would learn how to fit his life around office hours. it's just... kagami is in no way reliable, he knows that. he yearns for something more. he hopes that basketball will take him there ( and god help him if it doesn't ).

kise arrives on scene to watch kagami fuck up a three-pointer. it's not his fault, it had been in the air before kise could be blamed for it. still just as angry at himself as he has been all day, he scowls and offers a rhetorical 'sup? to his rival. please fuck off, kagami thinks to himself, he really can't handle forced cheer and loud noises this afternoon. kagami scoops up the ball and bounces it around his feet, lining up to go for a dunk. then kise does distract him.

"i can’t make you trust me," he says and kagami looks over at him with a quickly softening frown. "but i’m gonna stick around long enough for you to realize you can."

god, did he just get chills? kise closes the distance between them, and kagami can so little predict what he will do that he is a perfect target to steal from. he can concentrate better without thinking about bouncing the ball around, anyway. kagami stands straighter, closing his gaping mouth. maybe they're just pretty words said by someone who likes to think he's everyone's friend. is that fair? kise has his dark side too, one that kagami can just about see when the joyful façade is lowered enough. but why should kagami open up to him? they don't even go to the same school. they're alike in some ways, and different in others. with these generation of miracles guys, there's even more of that sneaking feeling that they'll just up and ditch as soon as they lose interest. that's not kise's fault, though. not really any of their fault. it's just kagami and his shattered ability to trust in people. to trust beyond a game.

he exhales. come back to earth. kise isn't asking for him to bare his soul, just maybe not to give him the cold shoulder so much. kagami inhales, closes his eyes, exhales, and smiles because he can't fight it. he's too in his head about his skills, where they need sharpening or improving, to think about the weight of kise's statement. but he'll remember it later when he's cooking dinner alone. it'll help him then, too.

"you're pretty full of yourself coming in here and disturbing me like this," kagami lowers again, a familiar spark re-entering his eyes. it's playfulness. he darts over, goes for a steal but it's obvious and kise avoids it. kagami huffs, running a hand through his hair. "you wanna help me out, you can play me."

it's not that he doesn't trust kise enough to voice exactly how he's feeling, or that he thinks kise would drop him and the weight of his problems, it's that he can't. he cannot open up about it. he doesn't even realise that he doesn't know how.