#no he tried one cycle and didn't think it was worth it so he stopped

[softpine]

he's on steroids???

[roosterforme]

Some Things Take Time | Bob Floyd x Reader

Summary: Bob is a man well known for his patience. He never rushes things in the air, and he tries to live by a similar philosophy on the ground. You and he are both on the same page about welcoming a child into your home through foster care, but it's hard for him to watch you try to bond with her unsuccessfully. He soon realizes that Avery is a lot like him, and that some things are worth the extra time.

Warnings: angst, fluff, mentions of infertility, mentions of foster care and adoption, Bob making all other men look like trash

Length: 5800 words

Pairing: Robert "Bob" Floyd x wife!reader

Happy birthday @wkndwlff! Check my masterlist for more!

You were laying on the couch with your head resting on your husband's lap, spinning his wedding band around on his finger while you tried to put your thoughts into words. You could tell he knew you were on the verge of speaking, sending you several expectant glances as you and he both pretended to watch the movie he started an hour ago. But Bob would never rush you, and you were thankful for that, because you wanted to make sure you got this right. 

"We've been trying for a long time," you whispered, and Bob's blue eyes met yours as you looked up at him. "Almost two years."

He nodded once and smiled softly. "We have," he murmured, squeezing your hand in his larger one. You pressed your lips together as tears stung your eyes. Bob never seemed upset that he was pushing forty years old and in spite of trying and trying, you'd never gotten pregnant. He never put pressure on you to keep trying or to stop. You were convinced he never would, but you wanted to know what he was really thinking.

"What if we... stopped. Stopped trying. And just went with an alternative?"

"Honey, I already told you I'm happy with things how they are. We can stop trying if you want to, or we can talk about alternatives if you want to do that. But there's nothing wrong with just you and me. In fact, I'm really quite enjoying myself."

You closed your eyes as his fingers drifted along the curves of your side. It would be delicious to get back into the habit of having sex when you wanted to instead of when your cycle demanded it. You and Bob sharing your undivided attention with each other was something you were craving, but you still wanted something else, too.

"What if I said I wanted to look into fostering and adoption again?" you asked softly as you started to sit up.

He pulled you closer so you were straddling his thigh. "Then I would say we can call our lawyer on Monday and get some answers."

You smiled as you nudged his glasses with your nose and kissed his cheek. "And what if I said I'm not fertile today, but I want you anyway?"

Bob reached for the remote and turned the movie off as a soft blush rose in his cheeks. "Then I would say it's time we got in bed, Honey."

---------------------

Bob was a man who was well known for his patience. He never rushed things in the air, and he tried to live by a similar philosophy on the ground. He knew he wanted to marry you about halfway through the first date. He also knew you would have looked at him like he was insane if he admitted that to you halfway through the first date. So instead of rushing things, he took the time to make sure you were on the same page he was and that you were comfortable. He always tried to do that.

When a baby just didn't seem to be happening, he was more than willing to keep trying, but he was also completely content with the idea of no kids at all. It wasn't worth rushing anything as long as he had you in his life. But you had recently convinced him of a third option, and his lawyer helped the two of you smooth out the details. 

And this is how Avery ended up at Bob's house on a random Monday evening. She was eight years old and in need of a foster family, and you were adamant when you answered the phone call that you and Bob were more than ready for her to be dropped off even on such short notice. 

"I'm so nervous," you whispered as you held Bob's hand and watched through the front window as a van pulled up. 

"I'm excited," he told you with a soft laugh. When he thought about having kids, he always pictured a little girl. For some reason, the idea of reading princess stories and painting a bedroom a putrid shade of purple really appealed to him. As he watched Avery being led up the walkway, he realized she didn't look one bit like you or him. He also realized that having a child who resembled him was actually never part of his dreams. 

As the doorbell rang, you bounced in place and whispered, "She's here. She's really here." 

Bob pulled you in for a kiss as his heart thudded. He realized he needed to tamp down his excitement a little bit. The two of you were merely fostering Avery. Nothing was set in stone even though you told the lawyer you wanted to eventually adopt a child. But right now your eyes were glittering with hope and anticipation, and Bob couldn't take that away from you. 

"Let's make her feel welcome," he said as you both headed for the door. 

Avery stood there with an unreadable expression on her adorable face, and Bob noticed right away how the case worker seemed to rush through everything. There were papers to sign and a schedule to keep, and even though all of it pertained to Avery, she ended up sitting quietly at the kitchen table while everyone else talked about her.

It was late by the time you and Bob were alone with her, and now her unreadable expression looked something like sadness. "Avery," Bob said softly. "Do you want to see your bedroom?"

She looked up at him and nodded without saying a word, and then you helped her down from the chair. You had taken the time to freshen up the extra bedroom and buy a pink glitter toothbrush and a pair of pajamas in her size. But Avery just sat down on the edge of the bed with her bag and asked, "Do I have to go to school tomorrow?"

"Yes," Bob replied with a smile. "I'll drop you off on my way to work, and then I'll pick you up in the afternoon."

When she didn't respond, you asked, "Is there anything you want? A bedtime snack or something to drink? I could make you some hot chocolate or get you a cookie. Bob makes the best oatmeal cookies, and there are a few left from the weekend. Maybe you can help Bob make the next batch." You were rambling now, and Bob reached out to squeeze your hand as you said, "We're just excited that you're here."

But Avery shook her head and told you, "I'll just read my book. Thanks." Then she untied her shoes and took a well worn copy of The Secret Garden from her bag, but she sat on the bed with rigid posture, not looking at either of you.

Bob wasn't quite sure what to do. You'd already shown the child where the bathroom was, and she seemed to have all of her essentials. He swallowed hard, deciding not to rush Avery even though he could feel your disappointment radiating off of you. He cleared his throat and said, "We'll leave our bedroom door open in case you need anything. And we'll get you up around seven for school. Good night, Avery."

She just nodded and squinted down at the tattered book cover like she was going to cry. Bob led you down the hallway, through your room and into the en suite bathroom where he gathered you in his arms as tears filled your eyes. "I don't think she likes us," you gasped before you buried your face against his neck.

Bob kissed the top of your head and whispered, "I just think she needs some time. Let's not rush anything." 

-------------------------

You cried yourself to sleep the first night. You knew that your response wasn't fair to Bob or Avery or even to yourself, but you'd imagined meeting a little girl who was at least a little bit more talkative if not upbeat. You had your hopes set on fostering a child who at least gave the impression that your home was better than another alternative. You'd been given a vague picture of where Avery had come from, and you wanted her to be comfortable here, but now you felt stupid for buying the glitter toothbrush and the Minnie Mouse pajamas. 

Bob's hand drew lazy circles on your back as you turned away from him and cried softly. "It's just the first night," he reminded you in that sweet, even tone that you loved so much.

"I know. I just wanted this so desperately," you admitted between shaky breaths. His hand on your body helped you eventually fall asleep, and the next morning, Bob was up before you, making breakfast. When you tapped on Avery's door which was ajar, you poked your head in to find her once again sitting on the bed reading.

"Did you sleep okay?" you asked, and she nodded in response. "That's great!" you said in a tone of forced excitement. "Do you need help getting ready for school?"

"No," she said softly, setting the book aside.

You took a deep breath and said, "Bob's making breakfast. Do you want to come downstairs and eat?"

"Yes."

That was the last word you heard her speak before Bob led her out to his car in his uniform. He smiled at you over his shoulder as he told you to have a good day working on your true crime novel, but you knew you weren't going to. You spend two hours trying to write, but you ended up with three and a half new sentences. Instead, you spent most of the day thinking you'd made a huge mistake and hating your own body. Avery would probably last two weeks tops with you and Bob before she was begging to go somewhere else. You didn't even know if you could stand to see her melancholy little expression when your husband brought her home from school today, but you didn't want to call her case worker for help yet.

In the afternoon, you bought everything you needed to make oatmeal cookies along with the rest of your usual groceries. You paused next to the checkout line where there was a display of children's books and grabbed a few of them. Avery appeared to like her book more than anything else, so maybe she would appreciate these ones, too.

But when Bob brought Avery home with him after school, she barely spoke. She didn't want to help make any cookies, and after dinner, she went back to her bedroom. Bob tried to help her with her homework, but she told him it was easy and she already finished it. When you dropped off the new books, she told you she already had a favorite. 

"Oh," you said, standing in the doorway with your hands full of the unwanted books. "That's good... that you have a favorite. I have a favorite book, too."

She looked up at you and nodded, but soon you were backing out of the room and trying to hide your tears from Bob. "It takes time," he reassured you as you balled your hands into fists and cried on him again.

You knew you needed to be as patient as he always was, but you just weren't like him. And you started talking before you could stop yourself. "If we could have gotten pregnant, we'd have our own child," you sobbed. "One that we raised from day one who would love us and bake cookies and read new books."

Bob kissed your ear and whispered, "Nothing is easy, Honey. But sometimes the harder something is at first, the more rewarding it is later on."

You cried yourself to sleep again.

------------------------

Bob tried his best for that first week. He watched you start to pull away and retreat into yourself the more Avery kept to her bedroom. Every day when he dropped her off and picked her up, she thanked him for the ride. When he asked if she would rather start taking the bus, she told him it didn't matter. When he asked if there was something special she wanted to eat for dinner, she said she wasn't picky. 

And all the while she just squinted down at her book. Just The Secret Garden even though you brought home some others. When he pulled up to the curb in front of her school one morning, he said, "Avery, would you like me to take you to the library one day? Or maybe a bookstore where you can pick out what you want?"

She looked at him as she grabbed her backpack in one hand and her book in the other. "Maybe." Then she climbed out of the car, and he waited to pull away until she was inside the school building. That was the most promising answer he'd received yet. He drove to work thinking about signing her up for a library card, and when he got there, he was in a much better mood.

Natasha was the only one who knew that Avery was under his care. He didn't want to give anyone too many details, but she sweetly asked him the same question every morning after they got to work. "How are you and the Mrs. making out with your houseguest?"

And this morning, he said, "Maybe a little better today, Nat. I'm just trying not to rush it."

She patted him on the chest and smiled. "You never do, Bob. You're a man of details."

She was right. He spent the day thinking about all of the details that he knew about Avery. She was eight years old and very quiet. She only wanted to read one book even though you offered her more. She seemed to find the most comfort when she was alone. She was honestly a lot like Bob.

When he picked Avery up from school, he watched as one of the teachers patted the top of her backpack and sent her on her way. She squinted toward his car before trudging over in his direction with a frown on her face. Bob sighed as she climbed into the backseat and buckled herself in. "How was your day, Avery?" he asked as he shifted into drive. But today he got no verbal response at all. Instead he heard her crying.

Without another word, Bob pulled his car around and into an empty parking spot before killing the engine. He opened his door and closed it before taking a few deep breaths, and then he climbed in the back door and settled in next to the crying child. He let one hand gently rest on her shoulder, giving her a small squeeze before asking, "Do you want to talk about what's bothering you?"

She just shook her head as tears flowed down her cheeks, and she stared at her feet. "It's stupid."

Bob smiled slightly. "You might think so, but I'd probably find what you have to say fascinating."

She turned her head to look at him, examining his face to see if he was being honest. But of course he was. He just wanted her to tell him what was on her mind. It took a few minutes before she started to settle down, but eventually she said, "I failed my eye exam with the nurse today." She unzipped her bag and pulled out a yellow sheet of paper and handed it to him. "She told me my eyesight is terrible and that I need to get glasses."

Bob looked at the page and had to hide his alarm from her. Avery failed her eye exam spectacularly. It was a wonder to Bob that she was even able to see in her classroom. But now her squinting and her preference for one, well worn book were starting to make sense. As he filled in the blanks in his mind, he said, "Glasses aren't so bad," while he tapped his own silver frames. "They certainly make my day a lot easier."

She kind of rolled her eyes and said, "But you're an adult. People aren't going to make fun of you for wearing glasses."

"You think you'll get made fun of?" Bob asked softly, folding the yellow paper in half.

"Yes," she replied immediately as she wiped at her tears. "I already do. Glasses will make it so much worse."

Bob wanted to press her for more details, but he didn't think this was the right moment. Instead he asked, "Is that why you only like to read The Secret Garden? Because you already know most of the words by heart?"

Avery looked at him like she couldn't believe he solved a very complex riddle. "Yes."

He nodded and asked, "Would you like to be able to read other books, too? Because glasses would definitely help with that."

She shrugged and sniffed as she said, "I like books about gardens and flowers and fairies. I don't know of any other ones I would like anyway."

Bob patted her on the shoulder one more time and said, "I like those kinds of books, too. And I think I can help you get glasses that look cool and help you pick out more books. If you'll let me."

Another partial shrug was his only answer, but at least she wasn't telling him no. As he climbed back into the driver's seat, he sent you a quick text telling you that he and Avery were fine and to go ahead and have dinner on your own. Then he drove along to his optometrist's office, hoping they would squeeze an extra appointment into their schedule.

"You're in luck," the receptionist told him when they arrived. "There was a last minute cancellation. Have a seat, and we can take you back shortly."

The rack hanging on the wall was filled with books and magazines for people of all ages, but Bob watched Avery squint as she took a seat empty handed. He skimmed a magazine and offered to read an article to her, but she said no. When ten minutes had passed, Bob asked her, "Are the kids at school mean to you?" 

He was already considering other options that might make her feel more comfortable when she said, "I just don't fit in. Everyone else has parents or grandparents. Everyone else is loud, and I like it better when it's quiet. Everyone else already made friends."

Bob nodded his head. It was like she was living his own childhood in many ways. "I like it better when it's quiet, too. So does my wife. And making friends can be hard at any age. I still struggle with it."

"You do?" she asked him, eyes wide and interested.

"Absolutely. Sometimes I still get nervous and stumble over what I want to say, and I'm thirty-nine. And you know what?"

"What?"

"There's nothing wrong with that."

He watched Avery take a deep breath and look down at her hands before both of their names were called. Once they were in the exam room, Bob got to witness her fail the test for the second time in one day, and then her tears started up again. The crying was only made worse when the receptionist popped in and tried to quietly tell Bob that Avery wasn't approved for any vision insurance. 

The child was clearly smart as a whip, and if she was having a hard time fitting in at school, he didn't want to make it worse by making her feel like she didn't fit in with you and him either. "I was planning on paying out of pocket today," he told the receptionist who just nodded in response. Then he turned to Avery and said, "Looks like the nurse was right. How about we pick out some glasses?"

She looked at the displays while she wiped at her eyes with a tissue, but she wouldn't tell Bob which ones she wanted to try on. "Which ones are the cheapest?" she asked softly.

"I have no idea," Bob replied easily. "What's your favorite color?"

"Purple," she whispered, and Bob followed her squinting gaze to a purple frame sitting on a shelf above her head. 

"I like purple, too," he said as he reached them down and handed them to her. She held them for a couple minutes, and Bob decided not to rush her. She finally slipped them on and looked in the mirror, and he told her, "I think they look cool."

She nodded a little bit. "They're pretty good. But nobody else at school has purple glasses." 

As she removed them and tried to hand them back to him, Bob quickly looked at the adult sized frames. There was one pair that came in a deep purple, and he kind of liked them. "Just hang onto those for a minute. I need help picking out new glasses for myself, okay? What do you think about these?" 

When he removed his wire frames and replaced them with the purple plastic, it seemed like Avery couldn't help but smile. "I like them."

He nodded once. "Then I'll get them. That way we can match since we both like purple. Thanks for your help."

"You're welcome," she replied quietly, looking at the glasses she was still holding before handing them to Bob.

He took both pairs in his hand before nodding toward the door. "I'm feeling like it's a good day to get ice cream for dinner and look around the bookstore. I can think of at least two more books that you might like to read once your glasses are ready for you to wear. Sound good?"

"Yes."

--------------------------

You didn't know what to expect when Bob brought Avery home after seven o'clock on a school night, but you definitely weren't prepared to hear her laughter for the first time. You'd barely made any progress on your novel since Avery arrived a few weeks ago, merely existing in your own funk all day long. But the sound of Bob's voice followed by her light giggle as they walked inside left you feeling better than you had in ages.

"Hi," you said, your voice dripping with optimism as Bob headed your way with a shopping bag in his hand. 

"Hi, Honey," he replied, kissing your cheek while Avery took her shoes off.

"How was school?" you asked her. 

"Terrible," she told you with a smile aimed up at Bob. "I failed my eye exam."

"Oh," you gasped, already making a mental note to call the eye doctor first thing in the morning so she could get some glasses. "We can take care of it for you."

"Already did," Bob said as he squeezed your hand. "Stopped on the way home and picked them out. Should be ready next week."

"Really?" you asked in surprise as he pulled two books out of the bag. Both were covered in vines and flowers, but one was clearly a novel for an adult while the other was much slimmer and looked like it was for Avery's reading level.

"Yes," he replied softly. "Now, on the drive home, I told Avery that you're a writer, but that you're also really good at reading books out loud." When you nodded and looked at her, she was squinting up at you. Bob handed you the smaller book and said, "I didn't get to take a shower before I left work, so I need to go do that now. But I promised Avery that you'd read a chapter to her after she gets ready for bed." He patted her on the shoulder and then made his way upstairs.

Your head was swimming with information. New glasses and new books and a child who was looking up at you with hope in her eyes. A husband who set up some time for you to spend alone with her. Tears stung your eyes as you said, "I love reading books out loud. Do you want to change for bed and brush your teeth now?"

Ten minutes later, you were sitting next to Avery on the spare bed, reading to her about a magical garden filled with flowers that turned the characters into superheroes. You read all sixteen pages of the first chapter, and then she asked you to read more. 

It was a little bit past bedtime when you finished the third chapter, and she was yawning. "How about I go get you one of my bookmarks from my office? And we can read more tomorrow night?"

"Okay," she replied easily, and when you returned a minute later with a bookmark that had a purple tassel, she smiled. "I like this book so far, but I think I'd like it a lot better if there were fairies, too. Thank you for reading to me."

"You're very welcome," you told her, barely shutting off the light in time for a tear to slide down your cheek. "Goodnight, Avery."

When you rushed into your own bedroom, Bob was in bed reading the other new book. "How did you do it?" you asked him, quickly climbing under the covers with him. "How did you get her to open up a little bit?"

He set the book down with a soft smile. "She just needed some time, Honey. She's a lot like me. She can't be rushed."

"No," you said, pushing your fingers through his hair as you cried a little bit. "That's not it. I think you're actually magical."

"Maybe," he agreed. "But her vision is so bad. That's why I think she kept reading The Secret Garden. She probably has it memorized and didn't want to tell anyone she couldn't see."

"Poor thing," you whispered, realizing that most of Bob's magic came from his patience as you fell asleep in his arms.

-------------------------

A week later, Bob noticed you were exhausted, but you seemed a lot happier, because Avery seemed a lot happier. You had successfully read two books to her, and she was starting to become more vocal around the house. He was hoping she was having an easier time making friends at school now, too. But he was a little bit concerned with how late into the night you'd been working.

When he got a message around lunchtime letting him know both pairs of glasses were ready, he smiled. Pretty soon Avery would be able to attempt reading a new book on her own. He sent you a text letting you know that he'd be home with Avery after a quick stop back at the optometrist's office. And when he picked her up from school, she squinted at his car before climbing in the backseat. 

"Ready to go get our new glasses?" he asked before pulling out onto the road.

"Yes," she replied softly. "I've decided that wearing glasses is a better alternative than not being able to read new books. At least until I can get contacts."

Bob chuckled. "A wise choice."

A few seconds later, she asked, "Will you take me to the library this weekend? There have to be more books there that I'd like."

"Of course I'll take you to the library. We can ask the librarian to help you find you as many books as you want to read."

He hoped that would make the new glasses an even easier decision for her. He parked and led her inside where the eye doctor got them both fitted correctly before handing them a mirror. "What do you think?" Bob asked as he smiled at Avery. "I think they look cool on you."

She shrugged. "They're okay."

"Can you see better?"

"Yes," she whispered. On the way outside, she said, "Thanks for getting new glasses with me. I like yours, too."

Bob checked himself in the mirror before he backed out of the parking spot. "I think it's kind of my color."

You were waiting in the living room for them when Bob opened the front door. The house smelled like dinner cooking, and you had a stack of bound pages on the couch next to you. When you jumped to your feet, you said, "You both look great!" as you bounced in place a little bit.

"Purple is kind of our color," Avery said, making Bob laugh as you covered your massive smile with your fingertips. 

"It really is," you replied, wrapping Bob in a quick hug before cautiously placing your hand on Avery's shoulder for a beat. "I have something I wanted to show you. I was hoping to get your opinion."

"Me?" she asked, looking up at you, eyes wide behind her purple frames.

"Yes," you told her softly. "I've been working on a new story for the past week, and I really think you'll be able to help me with the ending."

"What kind of story?" she asked you, and Bob slowly made his way into the kitchen where he could still hear the two of you talking. 

"Well," you told her as she joined you on the couch, "it's about a fairy who gets invited to live in a magic garden. And she starts to learn how to use magic herself while a friendly witch and a kind wizard supervise her. And the garden is really pretty, and she loves it there and starts to make friends with the other creatures. Do you want to take a look at it?"

"Okay."

Bob hovered in the doorway and watched you hand the bound manuscript to the little girl next to you while you chewed nervously on your lip. He knew you wanted this to work out; he did too. He was also very surprised that you'd been working on this for the past week without sharing your secret even with him. But it truthfully wasn't really for him. It was for her. And you.

The child looked up at you and whispered, "You named the fairy Avery."

You just nodded and smiled. "Your name is so pretty, and you remind me of the kind of little girl who would have magic inside her."

Avery turned back to the page in front of her and snuggled in a little bit closer to you. She started reading out loud, and after a few pages, handed it over to you for a little bit. The two of you went back and forth like this for an hour before Bob carried in two plates of dinner and set them on the coffee table. 

"Even magic fairies get hungry," he said softly before leaving both of you to the story.

---------------------------

When you woke up a few weeks later on Avery's ninth birthday, you were beyond exhausted. The past few nights had been late ones for you as you tried to finish up and edit the story you'd been working on. The title that the two of you came up with was The Littlest Fairy in the Garden, and you were just as proud of this as your true crime releases. 

Then you realized that there was actually a reason why you woke up. You could hear Bob talking. It sounded like he was on the phone even though it was barely eight o'clock. You climbed out of bed and stretched before finding him sitting on the floor in the walk-in closet talking softly on the phone in his pajama pants, undershirt and purple glasses.

"I'm sure she's going to agree with me. We want to move forward if that's what Avery wants, but I'll call you back in an hour or two. Thank you so much."

He ended the call right when you asked, "Who was that?"

Bob jumped a bit as he looked up at you with a tentative smile. "Our lawyer," he whispered. 

"What did they say?" you whispered back as he got to his feet and wrapped his arms around you. 

When Bob's lips found your ear, you shivered at his words. "It was just a preliminary conversation, but they asked if we would be interested in pursuing adoption."

"With Avery?" you gasped, and he nodded against you. 

"Yes. With Avery."

Tears filled your eyes as you clung to him. You thought about all the books she'd been reading with you and the birthday cake waiting in the kitchen. You could practically still smell the oatmeal cookies she and Bob made a few days ago. You could picture her smile and imagine her laughter, both of which were coming more easily with each passing day. "I want to adopt her. She belongs here. With us."

"I think so, too," he replied immediately, and you could hear the unshed tears in her voice. "I think we should have a conversation with her about it today. The process could take a little time, but I want to be sure it's what she wants as well."

You nodded, a jerky motion against him as your heart pounded faster and faster. "Let's talk about it when she wakes up."

Bob led you downstairs to the kitchen, his fingers laced with yours, and he started to crack some eggs while you made coffee and fresh orange juice. Avery had picked the menu for each meal today for her birthday, and the plan was to take her to the zoo after lunch. There was currently a purple banner with flowers and fairies on it stretched across the kitchen along with a large assortment of balloons. You couldn't remember being this excited about something in such a long time.

"Good morning," came a soft voice from the bottom of the stairs, and you nearly dropped a mug on the floor as you turned to look at her.

"Happy birthday!" you and Bob replied in unison, and then all three of you started laughing. 

Without another word, Avery made her way into the kitchen in her Minnie Mouse pajamas and gave you a hug around the waist. You gasped softly as you hugged her back, her purple glasses pressing against you. Then she tucked herself against Bob's side and hugged him right after that. "Thanks for all the birthday stuff. And thanks for being so nice to me and getting me glasses and everything."

You and Bob shared a look over her head as he rubbed his hand along her shoulder. "It makes us happy that you're here, Avery," he said softly, and you had to swipe at your tears. "Let's have your breakfast, and maybe we can talk about making this permanent."

"Permanent? Like me staying here for a while?" she asked softly as she looked up at him.

"Like you staying here forever."

--------------------------

This is a little birthday treat for @wkndwlff! I hope you have a great day, Taylor! I set out to write a nice little story based on this mood board, but somehow it turned into this angsty thing instead. Thanks to @sylviebell @mak-32 and @beyondthesefourwalls

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[smokeypeaches-and-honeyplums]

may I request headcanons for Wukong, MK, Red Son, and Macaque finding out their crush or S/O has a snort laugh that they try to hide?

please and thank you

PLEASE?????????????? GOD I HAVE A SNORT LAUGH TOO AND THIS FEELS SO PERSONAL I'M GONNA BLOW UP

Reader is Gender Neutral by default

MK

S/O

MK absolutely LOVES to make people laugh and you are no different

So when he finds out you have a snort laugh, he REVELS in it

To him, it's a sign that he's doing a really good job and! It's really fucking adorable for him

If you're self conscious about it, he won't push you too much about it

He'd never want you to feel uncomfortable while you're with him, so he'll never push further than he's allowed

He'll always express how much he loves it when he gets the chance to though, don't get me wrong

Eventually, it gets to the point he develops his own and it's a never ending cycle between you two

It feels nice to have a bit more of a positive about your snort, but it does hurt after a while--

MK gets worse when he purposefully does what he knows makes you laugh the most

Your nose and throat hurts by the end of it

If you're laughing especially hard, he'll be grinning ear to ear at just the sound of it

He's glad to have ONE consistency in his life, what with everything that goes on

So if he can listen to your laugh before the next crisis, that's enough for him

(THEY TOOK MY YELLOW TEXT--)

Crush

(darkskinredsontruthertilIdie)

You so happened to slip up one day when Redson heard it the first time around, immediately trying to hide it right after

He didn't think much of it, not in the way you'd think at least

He always associated it as another irritating staple that he loves so much about you and infuriates him that it is

Like, excuse me

How dare you have the most charming, cute and cheeky laugh he's ever heard?

A peasant like you shouldn't be making his heart soar so much and so easily all the damn time

What the fuck >:(

Redson wouldn't trying to fish for it as much as the others, his pride prevents him

But he does savour the moments you do do it, don't get me wrong

However, when he sees you hide it every time right after, a part of him wants to try and ease your worries. At least, that's what he thinks

"You know... you shouldn't feel like you should hide your laugh."

"For all the annoying little quirks you have, this one is..."

"It's... endearing."

Silence.

Silence...

"Redson? Are you going soft on me?"

"NO! No- Do not-"

"D'awwww, you care!!"

"Redson cares for me!!"

"Know what?! Forget I said anything."

Cue the laughter, only this time with a bit more snorting given his reassurance in his own special, Redson way

In your fits of laughter, you miss a small smile growing on the demon prince's lips

In all your teasing, it's worth it to see you like this

Crush

Wukong has a tendency to be cheeky to the tenth degree and then some

So trust and believe he already knows

And he REVELS in it

He likes the sound of your laugh in general, so the fact he manages to get you laughing so much that you start snorting makes his heart do flips

He doesn't like that you try to hide it, but he'd be the last person to talk about not hiding something you're self conscious about

Given the whole shared headcanon of glamour, it becomes pot and kettle

Has that ever stopped him tho?

No

So why would it now?

He tries to get you to feel more comfortable with your laugh because he finds it very important to him

Is it another reason amongst a sea on why he loves you?

Yeah

Will he admit it?

No-

Well?

Not now-

Ahem

Anyways, when he hears your genuine laughter, he's shining like the sun and absolutely BEAMING with joy and whines when you hide it

"NONONO, don't hide it! I love your laugh!"

"Don't hide it please :("

Pulls out the big guns (puppy dog eyes) just to make you agree

"Fine"

Happy Monkey <3

Of course, he genuinely does try to make sure you're comfortable about it and reassures you in his own Monkey King way, so don't be too worried.

S/O

Like Wukong, Macaque is the last person to tell you not to hide something, the scoundrel

Motherfucker is hiding EVERYTHING

Smoke and Mirrors the character™

But, that has never stopped him before

With that established, given how all doom and gloom this brooding monkey is, he finds solace in your laughter, and he's picked up on your snorting even when you try to hide it

He hears all

But, unlike the others, he won't push you or try to convince you to reveal something you don't feel like revealing

He would know how that feels personally

And if Macaque is anything at all, he's self aware. enough

He'll let you get comfortable laughing in front of him to your fullest at your own time, while giving you quiet reassurance now and again

Once you're sure he won't judge you for it and you're fully comfortable, your laughter makes him the warmest he's felt in so long

Who would've thought? The Six-Eared Macaque has a heart!/j

[hughiecampbelle]

The Boys Preference: Being Self-Destructive

Requested: Heeeeyyyyy can I request an angst but hurt/comfort request with a main lot from boys where r is like a younger sibling to them but struggles with self-worth and is self-destructive and it worries them? - anon

A/N: Thank you for requesting my love! I really hope you like it! Feedback is always appreciated my loves!!!! 💜💜💜

Butcher wants to smack some sense into you. Literally. But he can't because that would be wrong and probably drive you away even more. Instead, he yells and screams and badgers the same old subjects because you don't change, you don't listen. You fight back. The screaming matches you two get into are legendary. You fight anywhere and everywhere. The drinking, the drugs, the hurting yourself and other people, it was all unacceptable. He saw you as a younger sibling, someone to protect. He wasn't going to be around forever and you needed to get your shit together before then. He had to know you'd be okay without him. This was your life. If you wanted to set it on fire, you had every right to. Butcher was a hypocrite and you both knew it.

Hughie worries about you constantly. Every time you miss a meeting or a mission, every time you disappear for days on end, it fills him with anxiety and dread. There's nothing he can do to stop you, you're an adult. And yet, he goes through every scenario possible, every worst case scenario. Everyone tells him to give up on you. You're trouble. But he can't help but feel responsible for you the way an older brother would. When you show up at his place in the middle of the night he drops everything. You're so unhappy, it hurts him to see. Drunk or high or just messed up, he always let's you in. He makes sure you're fed and safe even if it ends up hurting him in the end. He can't turn his back on you. And when you leave again, because you always do, he'll call and text and make sure you know you have someone in your corner.

Annie gives you your space at first. She thinks you need some time to deal with your shit just like everyone else. But when nothing seems to be getting better, when your tendencies become even more self-destructive, she can't sit by and watch. She hates to do this, especially when she sees you as a younger sibling, but she gives you an ultimatum: her and your friends or throwing your life and potential away. Blinded by your insecurity and shame and self-consciousness, you pick yourself. You havent spoken to her since, but she reaches out constantly. Texting and calling and showing up at your place, waiting for hours, hoping she'll run into you. You don't want to see her or any of them. If you wanted to hurt yourself then you would. You wouldn't let them control you. She doesn't regret what she's done, but she feels terrible about it. Everyone says she did the right thing.

M.M. can be cruel at times. He doesn't want you throwing your life away like this. The drinking, the drugs, hanging out with the wrong crowds, this isn't you. He takes more of a fatherly role than a brotherly one. He can't help himself. He sees the self-destruction and he wants to shake you, snap something in you until it makes sense. Until you see the value you have as a person. He's nit the only one who sees the decline, but he I'd the most vocal. Sometimes it's tough love, other times it's gentle parenting. He'll try anything and everything if it means going back to the person you were. Sure, the team needed you, but Marvin needed you more. He didn't care about the things you've done in that were done to you, it didn't matter to him. Just getting better was what he cared about. Getting better and finding your way back to yourself.

Frenchie knows exactly what you're feeling. You hate yourself and you hurt yourself and it's a vicious cycle of bandaging your wounds only to reopen them again. He tries to talk to you, to get through to you the best he can, but it's so hard to listen. You really don't believe you're worth an ounce of kindness or forgiveness. Your past haunts you. Your decisions, your experiences, what's been done to you. When you mess up, he's always there for you. He knows what it's like, he wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but especially not you. He doesn't believe in lost causes and he would never give up on you the way others have. You just need time and understanding and someone to tell you they care about you. That's all. It'll go a long way. He sees a future for you, one that is bright and happy, you just can't imagine it.

Kimiko hates that you're throwing your life away because you think you're not worth it. She tries tough love and talks to you and when that doesn't work, she gives you the silent treatment. It hurts both of you, but she can't let this happen. She can't let you drink or smoke or anything your problems away just because you think you're a bad person because of what you've done. You've all done things you aren't proud of, but you're trying to do better now. She can't help but take a sisterly role and that hurts her even more. You beg and plead for her to listen, to understand, but she can't. You're bright and funny and caring. You're a good person whose had some bad stuff happen. That doesn't make it okay to hurt yourself and everyone around you like this.

Bonus! Homelander hunts you down and talks to you. There are no threats, but you know he's angry. Furious, even. So you stay and you listen and you don't fight back. Getting into trouble, hurting yourself, that's wasn't you! You were part of The Seven, you were powerful and intelligent and, though he hated to admit it, like a little sibling to him. He wasn't going to watch you destroy everything you had ever worked for because you felt bad about yourself, because you didn't believe in yourself. It wasn't just that though. It was the things you'd done, they haunted you. The people you hurt. He didn't really care about that though. All he cared about was you. You getting better, you figuring it out, you going back to the person you were.

[ohnococo]

𝔹𝕒𝕕 ℍ𝕒𝕓𝕚𝕥 | 𝕊𝕦𝕜𝕦𝕟𝕒 𝕩 ℝ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕖𝕣

You didn't think cheating on your boyfriend would be so easy

❥ WC: 2.3k

❥ Warnings: fem bodied reader (no pronouns used), non-sorcerer AU, cheating, established relationship with Satoru Gojo, smoking, drinking, quickies, fingering referenced, semi-public sex, vaginal sex, condom use, not proofread

You never spoke to Sukuna, because after the first time you and your friends—Satoru’s friends, really—had run into this outer circle he had whispered that Sukuna was the worst. When he later detailed how his friends had come to know the others, past rivalries turned to friendly banter once they had gotten older and matured, he assured you that Sukuna just wasn’t your type of person. Not worth your time, even. And your boyfriend was observant, perceptive, and you trusted his judgement.

You weren’t rude to Sukuna, just not especially friendly. Your casual questions about people’s day tended to stop just short of him, and while you smiled and nodded when he would speak, he was very much not given the benefit of the doubt someone as rough around the edges as Sukuna needed. Calmness feels like cold indifference when you’re so unsure of someone. Friendly jokes feel like teasing when you’ve been told to dislike them.

But then you’d bumped into him away from everyone else, thanks to your not-so-little bad habit. Usually Shoko would have accompanied you outside for an opportunity for some fresh air, and an opportunity to pollute that air with a little cigarette break, but that night she’d been in another of her “definitely quitting for good” cycles and had left you on your own.

You’d almost turned to go back in when you saw that Sukuna was the only one seated on the back porch, the designated smoking spot for this party. But you’d had way too many drinks by then to ignore your need for nicotine, so you’d sat down on the end of the couch furthest from him.

And that was all it took, with his focus fully on you, and your chill melted by alcohol, for you to realise there was something more to this man.

There was a tension there, without the noise of the very presence of your boyfriend to pull focus without trying, even as you’d tried to maintain your curt responses, even as he managed to broadcast being fascinated and disinterested all at once with his cool gaze.

Suddenly his words and movements had held far more weight than they should, as if he could bend the wind to his will with the wave of his hand, making your hairs stand on end with something as simple as lifting two fingers ever so casually—black lighter slotted between them and pointed in your direction.

You hadn’t wanted to take it, or anything from him thanks to the animosity you’d kept alight with only the smallest amount of kindling, but that nagging need settled in the part of your lips and the space between your fingertips had been so much louder than your gut.

Nothing more than a lighter and words passed between you two that night, and you barely remembered what you even talked about by the following morning, but you certainly remembered how you felt in his presence when you were on your own. The exhaustion of your hangover made it hard to bury, no matter how much you tried with that unsettling feeling of something you had no interest in—something you wanted to have no interest in.

Because you knew what he was playing at, even if you couldn’t mark the distinct details of it. Except for one piece of the time that had passed while you slowly smoked your cigarette—or was it two cigarettes? He’d said something to you that had managed to catch you off guard almost as much as the fact that he was actually enjoyable to speak to:

“You’re nicer when you’re alone.”

Maybe you had been more rude than curt…

One maybe led to too many others, though. Maybe Satoru was wrong in his judgement of Sukuna. Maybe he’d talked him up as so much of a headache that the smallest softness seemed comforting in comparison. Maybe he was your type of person. Or maybe you were just prone to one too many bad habits.

But habits don’t form in an instant, and the next time you saw Sukuna you were as cold as ever, meeting the small nod of his head across the bar with slightly raised brows and a glance away and back at the company you’d arrived with. When you stepped out front for a smoke you didn’t know if you hoped he saw and followed or not, but you did walk like you knew someone was watching.

Whether it had been happenstance or Sukuna taking his chance, he managed to be even more forward this time as he exited the bar only moments after you, offering you a cigarette from his own pack this time. He was more forward still as he leant on the wall next to you, so close it was as if you were already friends.

You were barely tipsy and still felt like you were in a daze speaking to him. This time you couldn’t blame your racing heart or warmth at his presence on an excess of alcohol. You spoke without thinking, he spoke like he’d had all the time in the world to pack his motives into so few words.

“You’re nicer when you aren’t around Gojo.”

—

Before all of this you would have never thought it would be so easy to cheat on Satoru. But you also thought you’d never be a smoker after growing up with so many TV specials about hacking coughs and ventilators so…

You think of it as a need being met. Not that your boyfriend couldn’t meet that need in his own ways, but it’s different. Drinking water doesn’t replace eating. Sweets don’t replace cigarettes. Being fucked by your loving boyfriend doesn’t replace the thick fingers down your pants behind the bar you snuck out of while everyone else thinks you’re throwing up your sixth shot of tequila in the bathroom.

It makes it even easier knowing Sukuna won’t say anything, because then he couldn’t keep enjoying watching how little you struggle over it all. So he keeps his mouth shut, even if that mouth is fixed into a knowing smile while he steals glances at you when you’re pressed to Satoru’s side. He keeps it shut to let the man’s guard down, when you don’t have time to answer his calls during your lunch breaks because you’re getting fucked in the back of Sukuna’s car. When you’re barely cloaked in darkness outside of another house party you stumble into each other at, because your circles run together far too often.

When his fingers are working fast to have you creaming on them, when you’re sucking and biting at his neck to stifle your moans, praying no one wanders away from the softly lit porch where everyone else was taking their occasional smoke breaks. When even that isn’t enough so he just has to fuck you against the side of whoever’s house happened to be hosting this weekend’s party.

“Be quiet Sukuna, please.”

He laughs, loving how desperate you sound. Desperate to avoid getting caught, desperate to have him help you get off so the thick tension between you isn’t quite so obvious for the rest of the night. His voice lowers, and travels right to where his hips are doing their best to do their worst.

“Me? You’re making plenty of noise on your own.“

He nuzzles at your neck, oddly tender for how hard he was fucking you, breaths hot against your skin from the exertion of holding back all while pretending he wasn’t. “If you just let me take you somewhere private you won’t need to worry about someone hearing all the noises you make on my cock.”

That can’t happen though, you know it, Sukuna knows it—that’s why he wants it even more. Quick fucks and hushed whispers is the most you can handle from him, if he gave you what you knew he wanted to… well that would he something worse that what you were already doing. Something not quite so easy. It was bad enough having to endure the things he already managed to say to you, all while buried deeper than any other man had been and making your mind melt.

“I could fuck you properly, like you need me to. I could show you-“

“Shh!” It’s said with a desperation that has you clenching him tight, hand flying to cover his mouth with a light slap.

The barely distant sound of your boyfriend’s laugh had drowned out the bass of the music inside for just a moment, but it was enough to break through to you and warn you that he was making his way outside. When the back door opens and he steps on the porch you shoot Sukuna a look, silently pleading for him to stop moving, but the fire in his eyes as he hears Satoru’s voice tells you there’s no chance of such relief.

“Huh, she said she was gonna have a smoke.”

He’s so close, just past a bush, just around the corner from where you were pressed to the side of the house—but so were you, having already started gripping Sukuna just that little bit tighter before the man who should be the one making you cum had interrupted.

“We probably just missed her.” You hear the sound of a lighter flicking after Shoko speaks and Satoru sighs.

“I don’t like you smoking anymore than I like her doing it. I’ll see if she went to the bathroom.”

“I’m sure she can piss without you, Gojo. Keep me company while I finish this.”

Of all the times for Shoko to pick up smoking again, it had to be when you were getting fucked a few yards away from your boyfriend.

Having grown bored at the interruption, Sukuna pulls your attention back to him by licking at your palm. You shoot him a pleading look, but he’s seen your eyes falsely telegraphing ’not here, not now’ one too many times to heed it. Instead he tilts his head, freeing his mouth from the restraint of your palm and taking two of your fingers in his mouth, sucking as he continues slowly thrusting into you.

The music, and the more natural sounds of the summer night, are blessings right now as Sukuna fucks you slow and deep—you know all too well the sounds he could have your pussy making would give the two of you away otherwise. But then Satoru’s voice reminds you of your previous request for Sukuna to just wait until the horrible risky thing you two were doing was just a little bit less risky.

“Think she went out front?”

“Think you can stop being a stage 5 clinger for two seconds?”

Satoru huffs, Shoko laughs, voice thick with smoke as she does, and you pray she finishes her cigarette as quickly as she usually does when Sukuna starts sliding his tongue between your fingers as he sucks. It goes through you, straight from your fingertips to your pussy, in a way you could have never anticipated—but that was how everything was with him. A shock to the system, leaving you with more things you didn’t know about yourself. It’s enough to take your mind away from your two friends, well, friend and boyfriend, bantering away as if the night was the same as any other.

The moment your eyes flicker shut they’re forced back open as Sukuna bites down on your fingers, just enough to hurt, just enough to make you grip his cock even tighter. Your eyes are pleading, even though you’re the one making a little too much noise as his hips pick up speed and leave your breath getting heavier. You pull your fingers out of his mouth, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, gripping him tight for what you knew you couldn’t stop now, even if you’d wanted to.

He turns your pleas back onto you, leaning close until his nose is pressed to yours, lips brushing at yours too as they curl into a smile and he lets out a soft, “Shhhhhh…”

It’s so low and even, as if fucking you like this took nothing out of him, melodic enough to blend perfectly with the drone of cicadas filling the summer air. You try to heed the warning you knew it to be, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth and biting hard, holding your breath as your bodies slide together and he fucks you so deep your thighs around his hips start to tremble.

As you squeeze at his cock, milking him dry into the condom you always kept hidden in your bag specifically for encounters with the man very much not allowed to fill you, you thank god for the volume of everything outside of yourselves for helping to drown out the noises you were trying not to make. You thank god for the thick muscle and meat of Sukuna’s broad neck as you bury your face against it to muffle your breaths. Then you start to thank god for feeling so good in the first place, but—as always—you catch yourself.

Sukuna knows it, even without looking you in the eye, because he won’t have an opportunity to look you in the eye for the rest of the night. His grip on your thighs loosens slightly, allowing you to get your bearings as he slowly sets you down. Once your feet meet the ground that spell he always managed to put over you is broken. You pull your underwear up, he yanks the condom off roughly, tossing it into the bushes.

You want to admonish him, or maybe step into the light to be sure he sees you rolling your eyes, but you’ve already steeled yourself into pretending you don’t even really know him. So you lick your lips, fix your hair, and look off into the night as you wait for the coast to be clear.

Once it is, it’s Sukuna that leaves you with parting words, as always.

“See you next time.”

banners by @/cafekitsune

[cupcakeslushie]

i love that you said each of the bois have unspoken themes to them, that makes characters so much more deeper and interesting.

if you wouldn’t mind can you say what unspoken themes Leo, Mikey, and Raph have?

some are more obvious than others, and while i have a decent idea of what they are, i want to hear them coming from you ✨

adore your work btw, your storytelling and style enraptures me

This might be a big post just so I have everyone all in one place im going to reiterate what I said for Donnie

@aduckmurder

Donnie: Identity/Depersonalization

When Donnie's first introduced Draxum doesn't even consider him a person, and hadn't even given him a name. And then, later Donnie's got too many names to choose from. That alone would cause someone to have an identity crisis. Personality wise, he enjoys making tech, but aside from that, Donnie is never sure of which emotions he should be feeling, or what his likes and dislikes are. A lot of the time he's mirroring how his brothers are emoting, or he's just smiling to cover up the fact that he doesn't know or trust his own feelings. Future Donnie will have a horrible time with depersonalization after merging with the Technodrome and the Kraang, which will cycle around to impact present timeline Donnie during the movie.

Mikey: Worth

While Donnie was treated like nothing, Mikey was treated like an object/accessory by Big Mama. When she threw him into the Nexus, Mikey imagined it was something he did or didn't do well enough to meet her high standards. After he's reunited with Splinter and Raph, Mikey finds the little roles that neither of them have filled very well, such as cooking, and cleaning, and makes sure he excels at them almost obsessively out of this fear that if he's not useful, then he will be discarded. Future Mikey works tirelessly as the only brother with his mystic powers still intact, to the point that his body is so overworked by the time of the movie, he looks like he's moments from shattering apart, only held together through his own force of will.

Leo: Doubt

Leo has lived his life being ordered around and having his memories and personality altered. Even once he is free, his emotions are almost as erratic without Kitsune's influence, than they were while he was under her control (at least until his own cleansing ritual). His instinctual gut reaction to use most violent tactic first, clearly makes his family uneasy. So when Raph tries to get Leo to act as co-leader, Leo is very hesitant. He doesn't think he should be trusted with such a responsibility, but learns he can trust if he goes too far, his brothers will stop him. Future Leo has a really hard time with raising Casey. After Raph's gone, Leo doesn't trust any of the decisions he's now having to make solo, and he certainly doesn't think he can be a guiding force for good for a young child. Casey needs a teacher who will shape him into a strong warrior. Leo learns as Casey grows, that being the boy's Sensei is not the same as being his Master.

Raph: Regret/Guilt

Raph blames himself for almost every horrible thing his brothers and father have gone through. He's recounted the night that Leo and Mikey were taken, and gone over it a thousand times in his head, trying to work out how it could've gone differently. All the amazing things he's done by bringing his family together--being the stable bedrock that they can grow into a true family under--none of that feels like it'll ever make up for the times in the past where he failed to protect them. Raph takes on the job of shield because he wants to make sure nothing else ever hurts his brothers again, and doesn't care if hurts him instead. Future Raph is constantly putting his brothers' lives before his own. Unfortunately, doing it one too many times results in a devastating loss for the Resistance, when their Leader sacrifices himself, and the chain of command practically falls apart for months before it can recover.

[silvervioletvalentine]

🎱🖤!The boyfriend experience!🖤🎱

Pairing : Quinn Hughes x Cherrie!

Word count : 10k

Summary: in which he’s bad with words so Trevor comes up with plan ‘the boyfriend experience’ . Aka- show her what’s it’s like to have a man that’s in love with her In hopes that she sees what was right there waiting for her all along.

Warnings: fluff. Tiny bit of angst? Dickhead ex’s and Cherrie and Q snap like little angtsy bitches at each other like once or twice. That’s it? I think. Idek. I’m not sure I like this one but have it anyways! Xoxo

Quinn felt like their weekends were repeating itself as they heard the slamming of their front door, high heels being thrown angrily to the floor before she let out a strangled scream of heartbreak , frustration and hurt .

Not looking in either of their directions as she stomped through the apartment with tears in her eyes , pretty dress all rumpled and lips trembling again .

Quinn shared a familiar look with Trevor as they both watched their friend sniffle and cry over yet another guy that wasn't worth a single tear of hers , feeling his own heart squeeze painfully in his chest for her, the same way he did every time this happened.

He oftened wondered why such a beautiful and golden hearted woman like Cherrie kept letting these stupid , heartless assholes break her down like this.

De ja vu became the same old song , the same tune, the same lyrics but with a different man each time. All of them causing her nothing but heartbreak and pain, yet she never stopped or gave in.

Trevor told him it was because she had watched her mother do the same thing , going through guy after guy her whole life. Screaming , crying and going through the same endless cycle of toxicity and drama until she finally found the one.

Like Mother , like daughter . All she wanted was to find her one, her person ..her best friend. So she looked and she searched , she laughed prettily at date nights , she let them touch her skin and kiss her blue but each time she came back home alone. Each time yet another attempt at love needed , Quinn could see the light slowly fading from her pretty eyes , could see the strain in her sweet smile . Could see the toll the heartbreak was taking on her body as she grew more tense , more on edge and more argumentative .

Refusing to listen to any of them, refusing to believe that her friends advice was right . That love would find her when she was ready , that she needed to stop looking for love in dirty bars and sleezy clubs, that she wasn't going to meet the one past midnight.

But Cherrie was stubborn , and she was a hopeless romantic . A hot mess. So she went on every date , accepted every touch and every empty kiss in hopes that it would make her feel something .

Longing to feel that spark , to feel her heart come alive again , to just feel something other than pain, other than disappointment and guilt when yet another attempt at love blew up in her face.

Trying to push down the tears as the disgust and self doubt set in, wondering why they didn't want her like she wanted them too. Wondering why she wasn't enough to keep them loyal, wondering why every man she tried to love always turned out to be the same .

Liars with pretty faces and the charm of a two faced snake .

Another notch added to her pain as she saw her boyfriend leave a party with someone that wasn't her. Watched him smile like he had never smiled at her , kissing this beautiful girl like she was the star in his sky.

Her boyfriend found the one. And it wasn't her. It never was. She was always the stepping stone for them to find someone better. Every ex boyfriend had found the one after ruining her , after ripping her apart and  tearing her heart to pieces .

They got their happily ever after . They got their happy story. They got their one. Their northern star.

Cherrie got Empty apology's , the 'it's not you it's me.' She got the slammed doors and pitying looks from her friends as yet another man didn't want her.

She could feel the hollowness spreading across her chest as she sniffled and roughly wiped at her eyes, glaring over at a grimacing Trevor , who was shaking his head quietly at her. Looking like he was going to say something

So she snapped "I don't want to fucking hear it right now alright? I know. I fucking know!" Daring them to say a single word about it.

She didn't give them a chance to reply, didn't even spare them a second glance before she was stomping off to her bedroom , the door slamming shut loudly behind her as she threw her tired body down onto her bed . Burying her burning face into her pillow as she screamed into it, cursing out his name.

Just like with everything else . She never learned.

It was tensely silent between then for a while before Trevor finally scoffed and muttered sadly "I wish she would stop doing this to herself." Hating seeing his friend in so much pain. Hated that she couldn't just see what was right in front of her.

Every day he had watched them dance around each other , his friends hurting each other without even realising it.

For so long now , He had watched Quinn quietly watch her from afar as she laughed at another mans jokes, watched Quinn swallow painfully and force himself to look away each time she cried to them about yet another love gone bad.

He had watched Quinn silently love her for the past three years while Cherrie wondered why no one could ever do so, oblivious to the longing glances and heartache that she was causing the quiet hockey player who wasn't brave enough to say a thing.

So they both hurt , and they both wished for it to be different.

Trevor was so fucking sick of it.

He said so , looking at a frowning Quinn on the couch opposite him , still staring silently at the space where she had been stood.

"You're losing out ya know? Wasting time because Some day she won't come home crying because she's got her heart broken again." He told him straight up , fed up with the both of them acting like this.

Quinn didn't answer. He never did.

Simply rolled his eyes and crossed his arms defensively over his chest , refusing to look up from his feet. Heart sinking deeper in his stomach as he heard her cry from her room, inhaling a little shakily as he told himself that she wouldn't want him anyway . She just didn't look at him as someone that could make her happy in a way that ‘just friends’ didn’t.

Not that he blamed her. He hasn't actively tried to either. Had never done or said a single thing that could make her aware to his feelings . Had never so much as touched her softly like he wanted to , they only ever bickered and shoved at each other as friends. No matter how much he wished it was different , he didn’t have to guts to put his heart on the line like that .

So instead He held her hair when she was throwing up after drinking with her friends.

He silently passed her tissues when she cried quietly during a sad movie. He pulled her away from fights that started just because she was drunk and bored, hauling her home before she could cause anymore trouble.

He was the one that she played video games with. The one she bickered with over what they would eat each night . He was the one who drove her to her dates, the one that had her location on his phone to make sure that she was safe. The one to pick her up the following morning , same dress and walk of shame.

They never spoke about it, he just brought her back home and they ignored the quiver to her voice and the tightness of his fists around the wheel as he drove them home at sunrise .

He was never an option for her. He knew that but it didn't mean that it hurt any less to watch her get her heart broken all over again. To watch her be used and thrown away like she wasn't something special , as though her very being didn't make him feel complete . As though the simple Brush of her fingers never sparked his fuse.

But he never said a thing. He was too damn scared of what could happen if he did.

"You should try man. What have you got to lose?" Trevor said.

Hearing enough, Quinn shoved to his feet and shook his head at him in annoyance.

“Shut up." He muttered underneath his breath , not sparing him another glance before he made his way down the hallway.

Taking a deep breath as he hovered outside of her bedroom door for a moment , hesitating , before finally knocking softly and stepping inside her room.

Cherrie, now wrapped in a oversized hoodie , eyes rimmed red and scowl plastered to her pretty face. Glared at him tiredly "come to tell me 'I told you so?'" She muttered , angry with herself for letting this happen again. Ashamed that she was so weak for each and every lie they gave her.

She just wanted somebody to love her. Just her. Was that so much to ask for?

Quinn felt a pinch in his chest at how she thought he would throw her pain straight in her face , shaking his head at her. Feelings Hurt .

But he didn't let his feeling show. He never did.

Instead he simply sighed and shrugged his shoulders casually before asking "no. Wanna  make some cookies? I want something sugary." Picking it out from the top of his head.

He just wanted her to stop looking so fucking sad over some asshole that didn't even deserve to breathe the same air as she did.

Cherries lips parted a little as she frowned, looking over at him in disbelief . She watched him shuffle on his feet, not meeting her eyes. Instead he fiddled with the soft dressing gown on the back of her door and she found her glare softening immediately .

Sniffling quietly , she shuffled off the bed and pulled her sweater further down her thighs . Shoving her feet into the fluffy cow face slippers , she missed the way Quinn looked down at the ridiculous googley eyed slippers with a small quirk of his lips. Fondness covering his face.

So She sighed "chocolate?" She muttered. Peering up at him through wet lashes , sniffling again as she wiped at her face tiredly. Just wanting this awful day to be over.

Quinn hummed a little as he opened her door, nudging her through it first gently first before he followed her out.

"Obviously." He replied quietly , ignoring the raised eyebrow Trevor shot them from the couch as he played video games.

He wasn't doing anything, wasn't going to try anything . No matter what Trevor thought he knew.

He just wanted her to stop fucking crying all alone In her bedroom like a saddo. That's all. and cookies always made her feel better before. He had once watched her eat an entire plate full after watching the notebook.

Cookies were always the best option to go with.

Cherrie pulled her herself up on the countertop next to him , watching quietly as he pulled out all the ingredients and got to work. She held the mixing bowl while he measured out the sugar. Silence lasting between them for a while, neither knowing just what to say.

Legs swinging , she placed her foot on his hip as he leaned over to pour the dry ingredients into the bowl. Cherrie stirring it as she neaded her toes into his hip absentmindedly .

Quinn's lips quirked at her actions but he didn't move away, he just pinched her ankle and muttered casually "the moron kind of remembered me of megamind with that big ass forhead of his."

The casualness of his comment made her snort , both amused and startled.

Then She laughed . Hollowly. Taking her foot back as she placed the bowl onto the counter and reached beside her to grab a glass of much needed wine.

Quinn watched from the corner of his eye as she poured the red wine until the glass was almost full, sighing quietly to himself as she gulped it down without any hesitation . Knowing what was going to happen. They had this routine pinned down by now.

"Only megamind turned out to be a good guy in the end. This one turned out to be a fucking liar and a cheat." She grumbled upset .

Exhaling loudly as she shook her head in disbelief at herself , wondering when her luck in love would change. Or if it ever even would.

Quinn didn't know what to say. So it went quiet between them again, Cherrie sipping on her wine while he put the cookies on the tray with a icecream scoop.

Eyes down to the tray, he muttered "but he was also blue so.."

Cherrie grumbled "maybe I like them blue. Matches my fucking mood eh?" She laughed amusedly , eyes down to her glass missing the way Quinn frowned sadly at her.

Stupidly , she added without thinking "I'm gonna have to redownload tinder again. That'll be fun."

Quinn slammed the oven door shut a little too hard, making her look over at him, startled by the sound.

She found his eyes already on her, face hard and lips pursed as he struggled to push down the rush of anger and sadness he felt . Shaking his head at her in disbelief .

"Isn't that what started this mess in the first place?" He remarked , unimpressed by how she was already planning on her next heartbreak when it had only been hours since her last one.

She was a fucking glutine for punishment. He wished it didn't hurt to know why she did it. Wish it didn't hurt so much to see her to find love in every single guy that wasn't him. In all the wrong places and wrong people.

He wasn't even an option in her mind , and it stung.

"Why not take a break from it?" He added hopefully. It would lessen both of their heartbreak, at least for a little while.

Cherrie, tipsy and pissed off with the whole male species in general. Scoffed cruelly "and be forever single like you are? I don't think so. I actually want somebody to come home to." She muttered coldly.

Quinn paused.

Gripping the towel tightly in his hand, felt the blow of her words. Then Turned them straight back at her like an arrow because arguing was familiar .

Feelings just hurt.

It was easier to be angry than to be sad.

"Better to be single then getting constantly cheated on by guys that don't even see you as a fucking human being. You're just a stepping stone for them to use until they find the next best thing." He snapped back.

Wincing as soon as the cruel words had left his mouth , knowing that he had gone too far. That she was still too vulnerable, her heart still too sore with heartache to hear it.

Wounded , she jumped down from the counter and glared over at him angrily.

Slamming her empty glass down onto counter, she felt her lip quiver , another arrow to her chest .

She looked into Quinn's hardened face, then saw his eyes shift uneasily , saw the remorse come a little too late.

"Fuck you!" She shouted at him hatefully .

Head spinning and heart hurting like a bitch because she knew that he was right. And that's what hurt the most.

“At least I can get someone! You're single because no one fucking wants you! Not even for night! At least I have someone to cry over! What do you have? Hockey! That's it!" She was hurting him and she knew it but she couldn't shut her mouth. She never could. They never could.

Months of hurting and months of men invalidating her feelings, and treating her like shit.

She was enough for men to fuck but that was it and it fucking hurt so bad. It hurt to see her friends roll their eyes when it happened to her again and again and again. Like she wanted it to happen. Like she asked to be used and thrown away like a dirty rag when they were done with her.

It hurt to see Quinn not a say a thing when it did. To have him so close , yet he didn't hold ber. Didn't wipe away her tears. He always stayed away.

He didn't look at her when she got ready for her dates, didn't say a word when she brought them back home. But she saw the judgment all over his face when they would still be there in the morning , saw the way he would scoff beneath his breath and leave as soon as he saw her in their T-shirt , not returning until they were gone again.

It was like he didn't give a single shit and it fucking stung because that was all she wanted him to do. But he never did. He treat her like a friend he barely tolerated. 

He would make her food but he would never sit down to eat with her. He would hand her a drink on a night out but leave as soon as she got up to dance. He never stayed around to hear her reply, never stayed long enough for her to ask him to dance with her . Never looked at her long enough for her to catch his eye and smile his way.

And it hurt and it made her angry that it did because she didn't understand why she felt that way. Why she wanted Quinn to look at her , why she wanted him to listen to her stupid jokes and go crazy Golfing with her. Why she saw something at some stupid store and immediately wondered what he would think about it. Why she always looked for him in each crowded room even when she knew he wouldn't be there , preferring to stay home and out of the way.

She didn't get it. Because Quinn wasn't her type. She usually went for tall, tanned , six packed guys with more ego than brains . The kind that looked so good that it made her brain halt all together , the guys so hot that she forgot what assholes they were as soon as they took off their shirts and flashed their white grins at her. That was what she usually went for and it always ended up in tears, for her at least.

Quinn was ...Quinn wasn't them. At all. And maybe ..maybe that was why it stung so much to hear the words come out from his mouth.

When all she wanted to do was talk to him and tell him that she was sorry , that she didn't mean it. That any girl would be lucky to have him.

Because he was, he was a good guy. Beneath the grumbles and the mumbles, he was good.

She felt like a evil cunt stood next to him. Both of them glaring at each other, too tired and too worked up. Both should have known better than to do this then.

"Fuck you!" Quinn shouted back at her, so hurt and so fucking angry.

Trevor , quickly hauled his ass up off the couch as soon as he heard them screaming at each other nastily . Running into the kitchen , wide eyes darting between the two of them in shock.

"What the hell is going on?!" He exclaimed while pulling a seething Cherrie away from Quinn before she could hit him. Or do something just as stupid.

She choked on a sob "he's a fucking dick! He Can dish out the truth but can't handle it himself!" She snapped out .

Quinn scoffed coldly at her in return "truth? The truth is that you're so fucking desperate for attention that you get with these stupid assjole and then-" he ignored Trevor rapidly shaking his head in warning to him, Quinn only seeing red after being bathed in green jealously for so long .

“-Then You expect us to be all sympathetic when it ends in you getting fucked over again! You cause your own bullshit Cherrie !" He shouted at her furiously .

Trevor winced in shock "shit- man- come on-"

Cherrie snatched her arm from his grip before laughing humourlessly "fine! If that's how you feel then I won't fucking tell you anything anymore! I'll deal with my bullshit on my own! Since I'm such a fucking attention seeking bitch-!" She shoved past the both of them in a rage . Just wanting to go to sleep and forget that she even existed.

Quinn groaned loudly , hands rubbing over his face in frustration . Because that wasn't what he wanted to say or what he meant at all. But he had never been very good at words. Just like she wasn't with her own either.

"I didn't say that-I didn't call you a bitch-"

"You might as well have! But trust me, I don't think of you very highly right now either!" She screamed while pushing open her bedroom door "so fuck you and your cookies you asshole!" She screamed over her shoulder , then the door slammed shut behind her.

Leaving both Trevor and Quinn in a tense silence in the kitchen . Trevor looking at him in disbelief as he ran his hand through his hair stressfully.

Disappointment quickly filled his gaze as he looked at Quinn. "dude-what was that?  Screaming at her isn't going to get her to-"

Quinn scoffed angrily , cutting him off. "god just shut up! I don't care alright? She's just acting like she always does. Blames everybody but herself!" He snapped. Pulling the cookies out of the oven before they burned.

The anger making him practically throw them down onto the plate, the hotness of them not even registering with him. Too busy with his head full of her tearful eyes and razor blade tongue.

Trevor rolled his eyes at them behind his back. "just like you then. You like to blame her and the guys but I don't see you stepping up and doing what you want to." He said blandly. Sick of them both .

Quinn swallowed, eyes still down to his hands putting away the cookies. "you don't know what I want to do. I don't know why I even fucking bother." He muttered upset. Grabbing a smaller plate and placing two of the bigger cookies on it.

Trevor smiled a little in amusement as he watched his actions.

"cause you love her." He simply responded. 

Quinn shook his head in denial but his down turned eyes were glossy as he grabbed a glass and filled it with cold water .

“I don't. She just-" he inhaled sharply in frustration "she's so fucking stubborn. She doesn’t listen. She looks right through me-"

Trevor groaned again in annoyance. "man. She's not psychic . And shes obviously not smart with love. She's not gonna know if you don't tell her. You haven't even tried!" He wanted to shake him until he realised that she was right there.

All he had to do was reach out for her and never let her go.

Quinn scoffed lowly at him "she doesn't feel that way about me. The new guy every week tells me that. I can't tell her-" the thought made him want to be sick.

What would he even say? He always fucked it up when it came to speaking . Just now proved it to him.

Trevor just shrugged and said "so show her then. Show her what a good boyfriend you could be. Show her how a man in love is supposed to treat his girl. Show her what it feels like when you're the one." He felt like a love guru . Maybe reading all those trashy magazines in airports about love had finally payed off.

He couldn't wait to rub it in all of their friends faces that he was right , that he was their Cupid’s Angel . He just needed it to work.

Both so he could be brag to everyone about him being right ,but mostly so his friends would stop pouting and just be happy together . It seemed so simple in his mind.

Quinn paused and frowned a little at him "show her? How?" His curiosity was peaked because he didn't know how much longer he could go on seeing her with everyone but him.

It hurt too much now.

Trevor grinned smugly at him "give her the boyfriend experience. You can't tell her how you feel? Show her then . Do what you want to. Do everything that you stop yourself from doing because you're too scared she won't feel the same way. Then see how she reacts." He told him confident that his plan would work.

And Quinn, well, Quinn felt like he had everything and yet nothing left to lose.

All he wanted was Cherrie but he needed to show her just how much he cared and shouting at her wasn't the way to go about it.

The next morning Cherrie slugged herself into the kitchen to find a plate already set in front of her usual seat, brows furrowing as she watched Quinn scrape scrambled eggs , bacon and scraps onto the plate . Even greeting her with a small smile as he placed a glass of orange juice beside her plate too.

She slowly took her seat, warily glancing over to Trevor to see if he was finding this as weird as she was.

Having expected Quinn to still be pissed off after their fight last night , he usually stayed on the couch with his bowl of cereal. Refusing to talk to anyone until it was past twelve.

But it was half nine in the morning and he was cooking her breakfast and smiling at her, Cherrie felt on edge . Carefully poking at the food on her plate , eyeing it suspiciously.

"Have you put laxatives in this?" She blurted out, still half asleep and wondering if she was dreaming . Because in what world did Quinn smile and make her breakfast for no reason?

Quinn looked over at her with a offended frown, ignoring Trevor snickering at the look on her face.

When he glanced at him, he just gave him a encouraging thumbs up. The plan to treat her like he was her boyfriend, without actually being it , already set in motion.

He felt awkward as he tried to explain "you usually forgot to eat in the mornings and well...that's stupid and I don't want you to be hungry until lunch so.." he shrugged it off, making his own bowl of cereal. Taking the seat opposite her at the table instead of heading off to the couch like he usually did.

Cherrie was looking at him like he was going to shoot her right there and then.

"Quinn..." she didn't know what to say. But hunger got the better of her, so she shovelled the food into her mouth and decided to shut up and not complain. Humming happily at the taste.

"Thanks." She muttered around her fork , digging in. Missing the way his eyes lit up as he watched her enjoy the food he had made her. The first three attempts burnt and chucked at the bottom of the trash can.

But attempt four was a success.

He hid his grin behind his spoon , swallowing his mouthful as he eyed her then, in a large shirt , sleep in her eyes and hair a wild mess. Curls going off in every direction . He loved seeing her like this, to him , this was when she was most beautiful. Just being herself.

Remembering the way Trevor had told him to compliment her and tell her just what he thought , he tried to give it a go.

Tried to.

Clearing his throat a little he gathered his courage then "I like your hair." He blurted out. Grimacing a little at how strange he sounded , as though he too couldn't believe what he was saying.

Cherrie carefully eyed him over her plate , self consciously running a hand through her hair in attempts to get it to stick down.

“It's a mess. I haven't even brushed it yet." She said, wondering if he was messing with her.

Quinn let out a awkward laugh , shaking his head slowly as he motioned towards her hair like an idiot .

"no. I mean it always is-" seeing the offended look on her face he quickly added "I mean. I like it how it always is. Even when it is messy!" He wanted to die.

Trevor was face palming , eyes closing in disbelief as he watched Quinn fuck up something as simple as complimenting her . But to his defence , they had spent the last few years only ever insulting each other and every honest compliment came wrapped up in sarcasm and jokes.

So he was...new to this.

Cherrie frowned "geez thanks Quinn. I know it's a mess , you don't have to rub it in!" She snapped, still tired and still upset from last night.

She quickly finished off her breakfast and stood up, Downing the orange juice all the while glaring at him.

Quinn spluttered while trying to fix his mistake , hands waving about in front of him "I'm not! I don't mean it badly! I love your hair!" He tried to assure her.

She clearly didn’t believe him , scoffing "you've just called is messy!" She exclaimed.

He huffed in frustration wondering why he was so bad at this. "It is! But that's because you've just woken up! And it still looks good! That's all I'm trying to say." He almost shouted , annoyed that he couldn't even compliment her right.

Unfortunately Cherrie thought that he was annoyed at her .

So she glared, looked at his own messy hair and scoffed again "well. Whatever Quinn! When was the last time you even washed yours?!" She threw at him before stomping off to her room again.

Leaving Quinn to Gape at where she had just been stood in disbelief . Trevor sighing long and hard at him, patting his shoulder in pity.

"Not your best effort. Could use a little more work on that." He winced . Having forgotten that quinn lacked any charm at all. He had the grace of a drunk elephant .

It was going to be long time until their plan worked.

It got even stranger after that and Cherrie felt like she was living in a alternate world where Quinn Hughes actually put in effort to being around her, always making up some excuses to help her and just be there by her side.

Like now, after hearing her tell Trevor that she was heading out to get some drinks with her friends, Quinn hadn’t hesitated before offering to drive her there , despite the fact that he has been in the middle of playing video games with his own friends.

He had hauled his ass off the couch, grabbed his car Keys and practically ran to catch up with her speedy steps.

Eyeing him warily as he Unlocked his car , then held open her door and stepped back, waving his hand at her to get inside.

"You don't have to . I could have gotten the bus." She muttered utterly confused to why he was suddenly offering his services like this.

He didn't like driving anyone anywhere and she knew it. That's why she had never asked for a ride.

Quinn got into the drivers seat, started the car before simply shrugging his shoulders casually as though his cheeks weren’t a bright pink.

"it's not big deal. I wasn't doing anything anyways ." He lied.

Cherrie played with the ends of her hair , side eyeing him as she watched him place his hand at the back of her head rest , looking between their seats as he backed out of the car park.

Making her Inhale a little too sharply as she eyed his tense bicep and focused face, sinking further down on her seat. Wondering how he could look so good in a matching sweatshirt and sweatpants , scruff and all.

She wondered if she was having some sort of crisis because now all she could think about was how hot Quinn really was. A thought that she had desperately tried to never remind herself of.

But it was hard to do when he was suddenly being so nice to her , cooking her food and driving her places just because he wanted to.

She felt her heart soften. And hated it. Because what the actual fuck?

"You were playing games with your friends ." She tried to argue . Feeling a little bad that he had jumped up after her, not even giving any excuses to them. Something he would no doubt be getting rinsed about later.

Quinn looked over at her briefly , admiring the glitter around her eyes , before looking back at the road with a heavy exhale .

“Yeah well. That can wait. I like your dress." He suddenly told her. Changing the subject abruptly.

She glanced down at her little black dress and smiled a little , feeling her cheeks flush . Not used to Quinn complimenting her like this.

It felt nice. The giddy feeling in her stomach Letting know that she wasn't as immune to Quinn as she likes to make herself believe.

"Thanks. I'm er-I'll try to be quieter coming in tonight. I probably won't get back till after midnight." She told him quietly.

Recalling how pissed off he had been the last time that she had woken him up after one of her nights out , drunkenly crashing into the coat stand and managing to knock everything over in the process.

This time, Quinn just shook his head with a soft hum.

Hesitating for a moment before mumbling "I can pick you up too. I don't want you taking the bus home while drunk." As he pulled up outside the bar that she always went to with her friends.

Warily eyeing a group of young guys laughing outside of it, hoping that none of them caught her eye. His heart couldn’t take much more.

Unbuckling herself , she shook her head quickly "oh no. I'll just get an Uber-"

Rolling his eyes at her stubbornness to accept his help , he sighed loudly . Looking at her with a raised brow "Cherrie. Please just let me pick you up? I won't sleep knowing you’re out anyways." He said Honestly .

He never did. His body only ever relaxed when he knew she was safe and at home with him.

Surprised , she slowly nodded her head in acceptance . Smiling a little unsurely at him "okay. If you're sure.."

He smiled back at her gently , exhaling a light laugh at how out of place she looked then. Looking at him like she had never even met him before. He winced to himself and wondered guilty just how much of a jackass he had accidentally been to her lately out of his own jealousy. Realising that in an effort to not let her know just what she meant to him, he had pushed her away. Something he had never wanted to do.

But he was trying now. This was him trying. He was going to make up for it all. He swore.

"I am. Text me when you're ready to come home alright?" He said lowly . Reaching over to fix the strap of her dress back into place gently before moving back again before she could even blink .

Cherrie exhaled shakily , nodded her head and pulled open the door. Slowly getting out "alright." She agreed . Still in shock by how nice he was being towards her now.

All she could think was as she walked to the bar door, glancing ober her shoulder to see Quinn still waiting to see her though the door, only pulling off when she was safe inside. Was.

She could get used to this.

It was nearly two in the morning by the time he picked her back up from the bar, chuckling a little to himself at how drunk she was . Practically throwing herself into her seat, heels quickly disregarded as she grinned over at him happily.

Quinn laughing quietly as she suddenly reached over to squeeze his cheeks between her hand, squishing his lips together as she giggled at him. Pinching his pink cheeks gently .

“I was thinking about you." She blurted out , leaning forward to slap a kiss to the end of his nose before pulling away.

Casually leaning back into her seat like she hadn't just flipped his heart around, Quinn flushing red as he buckled her in. Laughing a little shyly , skin tingly from her fingertips. Shocked by the sudden touch.

"Yeah?" He turned on the car , then reached back with one hand to hand her his sweatshirt, a bottle of water and then a McDonald box. Grinning at the look on her pretty face.

Cherrie gasped loudly , beaming at him as she threw on his sweatshirt without a single complaint. Digging straight into the fries , looking over at him with wide eyes. Glossy and dazed. Like he was her saviour.

"Dude..." she breathed out in amazement "I can't believe you got me McDonalds. That's so nice." She spoke around a mouthful of fries. Never taking her eyes off him.

“And you look so pretty. Why?" She spoke her mind. Drunk and not having a filter at all.

Quinn laughed bashfully , stomach fluttering from her sweet words. He scratched at his jaw awkwardly "I knew you'd be hungry. And I don't.. look pretty." He mumbled shyly .

Heart pounding in his chest as he briefly glanced over at her at the stop light, taken by the sight of her drunk, in his sweatshirt and smiling at him like he had made her whole night.

She had made his. He smiled to himself , chewing on the inside of his cheek to stop himself from giggling like a lovesick idiot at how soft she made him feel.

She giggled and offered him a fry, holding it in front of his mouth as he quickly leaned forward and took it from her fingers with his teeth. Muttering a small thanks as he did so.

"You do." She insisted , leaning over to feed him another one.

Tapping her finger up against his pouty lip after she did , eyes locked on his mouth as he swallowed. Nervously side eyeing her , his cheeks a pretty red.

"Do you remember what you told me the first time that frat bro broke my heart?" She suddenly asked him, finally pulling her hand away.

Crossing her legs beneath her, Quinn reached over and gently tugged down her dress as soon as he caught sight of a peek of lace. Letting out a light laugh as he tapped her thigh for a moment, squinting his eyes as he thought that far back.

"That was three years ago Cherrie. You've had like a gazillion other douchbag boyfriends since then." He commented teasingly , fingers clenching around the wheel as he forced himself to keep his hands to himself .

No matter how adorable he y she looked in his sweatshirt , dress peeking out the bottom, hair a mess and mascara smudged beneath her eyes as she gobbled down her burger like a little gremlin.

Mouth full of burger , she grumbled "not that many." Swallowing her bite, she looked at the raised judgmental brow her gave her and sighed loudly "fine that many. But the first time I cried in front of you.."

Quinn groaned at the bittersweet memory , heart clenching as he remembered the way her big eyes had filled with tears as she sobbed into his chest after finding her boyfriend fucking another girl at a party .

Quinn remembered her crying , reminded talking her to sleep. He also remembered hauling his ass over to the party to beat the guys face in. His knuckles had aches for a week after that.

Not that she knew about it. That was something he swore his brother and friends to keep hush about .

"I told you that he wasn't worth your tears and that you deserved someone that made you happy." He remembered then, softly repeating the words that still stood true now.

Cherrie hummed quietly .

Nodding her head as she glanced over at him, yawning as she finished her burger. Gaze lingering on the healing scab on his nose from his last injury , she sighed quietly.

"This has made me happy." She told him softly , tugging her hands into the sleeve of his sweatshirt , watching the colour bloom across his face at her words.

He chuckled a little , heart beating a little faster as he spared her a quick glance. "Yeah? Which part? McDonald's or the sweatshirt that I'm never getting back now?" He teased lightly.  Pride filling him that he had put that smile on her face.

Just Him. Nobody else. It felt nice.

Cherrie just shrugged lightly as they pulled back up to their apartment block "all of it. Thanks Q."

Not even ten minutes later , a drunk and confused Cherrie was bursting into Trevors bedroom , startling him awake with a scared gasp. Eyes going wide as he gaped up at her, watching her pace in front of his bed with a strange look on her face.

"What the fuck? Are you on drugs?!" He exclaimed quietly , mindful of the fact that it was three o'clock in the fucking morning .

He sent her a tired glare. Hand over his racing heart as he cursed her out.

She just sighed dramatically and placed her hands on her flaming cheeks , concerned with how she suddenly felt .

“Somethings wrong." She said worriedly "Quinn is being nice to me all the time. Why is he being so nice?" She demanded to know.

Trevor just snorted a little in amusement , before yawning.

“He's always been a little extra nice to you." He replied. Cause it was true.

Cherrie wasn't having it. Shaking her head with a deep frown on her face "not like this!" She denied quickly .

"he's-hes like doing everything for me and-he keeps making me breakfast and driving me everywhere. And he keeps smiling at me and complimenting me and-"

Trevor cut her off with a small smirk , smugness filling him as he realised that his plan was actually working. She was noticing Quinn's efforts.

Plan 'boyfriend' was a total success.

He knew it. Call him love guru now.

"Why do you think he is?" He asked her , trying to work reverse psychology on her. But he forgot who he was dealing with here.

Haunted by a long list of asshole ex boyfriends , she grimaced worriedly "is he mad at me or something?" She wondered out loud "like is he trying to lure me into a false sense of security before he gets his revenge?"

Trevor was horrified, gaping up at his poor friend in disbelief. Genuinely concerned .

“Jesus Cherrie! You need to stop dating these psychos! Holy shit!" He exclaimed shocked , rubbing at his face stressfully.

“So what if he's being nice? You like it right?" He said.

Cherrie slowly nodded her head, looking off to the side as a grin slowly pulled at her lips without her even realising it.

"yeah I mean-" she trailed off with a little sigh, picturing the way he had whispered goodnight to her as he dropped her off to her room. Kissing her cheek and promising to get her a really greasy breakfast for her hangover in the morning.

What a turn on.

"He's got a nice smile hasn't he?" She mumbled , fiddling with the ends of her hair as she pictured it. Crooked and uneven .

So cute. She sighed dreamily without even realising it.

Trevor smirked to himself and tried not to fist bump the air in front of him. Fighting back a smug giggle.

I'm a fucking Cupid’s angel . He thought proudly . Quinn better make me best man at their wedding . Cause otherwise he would still be pining from afar  while she got her heartbroken every other month.

It became a pattern after that. Cherrie arriving home after work to find a new vase of flowers on her bedside table every Friday , alongside some candy or some of her favourite food whenever he knew she needed the extra kick me up.

She started going to more of his games, wearing his jersey and cheering him on. Waiting for him by his car, getting dinner together each time they won. Or just lazying out on the couch playing some rather violent video games if they didn't. But Quinn still wanted to be by her side.

He texted her in the mornings. He checked in on her during the day, making sure that she was okay. Sending her stupid jokes and memes that he knew she would like, sending her cat videos that he found (spent hours collecting for times like these) . FaceTiming her when he was at away games and missing her. Which was always.

Then he started travelling home with her, then met her father and started going golfing with him while her mother fussed over him and kept giving her daughter knowing looks .

Cherrie just looking amusedly confused as she watched him easily fit into her crazy family , so much so that he went out to guys night with her brothers who had hated every other guy that she had brought home.

But they loved Quinn. They all did and she was filled with a strange , overwhelming feeling in her chest when she came into the front room one morning to see Quinn laughing over the phone with her dad, both of them talking shit about some Golfing enemies they had thrashed that weekend .

Her father had once hit an ex boyfriend of hers with a golf club. Ran over another one with the wheel of a golf buggy. So this was rather shocking sight for her to see him being so friendly with Quinn.

But it was different this time she guessed. Because Quinn wasn't her boyfriend. But sometimes  it felt like he was. And recognising the butterflies making house in her stomach , she recognised the racing of her heart whenever he nudged her shoulder and whispered some lame joke in her ear just to see her smile.

She finally saw the signs.

She noticed the way Quinn always looked for her first in every room, the way he would keep looking over at her when they held party's to make sure that she was still okay.

She noticed the way he smiled when she did, the way he went out of his way to be near her. Even coming along to the dentist with her, claiming that he was 'bored'. But she knew that he just wanted to take care of her .

It was the way he automatically reached for her hand when they went to cross a road , the way he refused to let anyone else buy her drinks at the bar. guarding her drink with his life when she went to dance or to the toilet. Glaring down any guy that even so much as looked at it or her wrongly.

She saw it now and she felt it right through. And she felt so fucking stupid that it had taken her this long to see what was right in front of her the whole damn time.

So when they sat in their favourite bar, watching a game on the tv while they waited for their friends to arrive .

And then when a cute guy, usually her type, walked over and asked her if she wanted to join him and if he could buy her a drink or get her number . For the first time in her life she turned the guy down politely , and didn't feel any regret.

Glancing over at Quinn to see his eyes down to the wooden bar top, his brows furrowed as he fiddled with the label on his beer , no longer focused on her. No longer smiling.

She walked away from the guy and sat down beside him again, nudging Quinn arm gently when he still didn't look up.

“You okay?" She asked him softly , concerned by the sudden change in his demeanour .

Quinn just mumbled something she couldn't hear, making her frown. "Huh?" She leant her head down , trying to catch his gaze.

He gave her it for a split second , catching her eye before looking away just as quick.

“I'm fine." He mumbled , "I just -you haven't been on a date in a while. I think this might have been the longest you've been single." He muttered .

Refusing to look at her. Heart squeezing in his chest as he glanced across the bar to see the guy she had been talking to occasionally glancing over at her, exactly the type of guy she went for.

Everything he wasn't.

Cherrie laughed a little, swallowing thickly as she realised that he was right . Knowing exactly why she hadn't even thought of moving on to another guy too.

"yeah. I mean-" she inhaled trying to find the right words to say and failing "I don't want to go through any of that shit again anyway. No more wasting time with the wrong guy." She looked at him , hoping he'd understand.

Quinn slowly turned his hand , brows furrowing in confusion .

“You didn't-" he glanced back over at the guy before looking back at her "you didn't give him your number?" He breathed out, shoulders tense with fear.

Cherrie shook her head and watched the way he exhaled , his shoulders relaxing again. Finally looking her in the eye, relief flowing from his body.

He wasn't exactly subtle. She wondered how she had missed the signs for so long.

But she had never been very smart when it came to love. A little stupid, a little naive. But she got it now.

And hopefully it wasn't too late.

"I didn't." She said and watched him smile a little to himself "no more tears for you to wipe away ." She joked lamely .

Quinn just laughed in relief "yeah. Yeah. I never did like to see you cry."

And that was how Cherrie found herself , the following night , standing in front of Quinn's room with flowers in her hand , knocking on his door gently . Taking in a deep breath to gather her courage , telling herself that she could do this.

When Quinn opened his door, he froze.

Eyes darting down to the flowers in her hand , then back up to her, taking in her pretty dress and perfect makeup. Her red lips and hopeful eyes.

He didn't dare to breath , hope was a dangerous thing after all.

"What-" he hesitated for a moment too long , shocked at the sight in front of him. He swallowed thickly .

"are you going on a date?" He fucking hoped not. He would cry.

If she had come to his door to show off her flowers and let him see how beautiful she looked for another man, Quinn didn't think his heart could take it. Not anymore.

Cherrie gently shook her head , laughing a little

Nervously as she shuffled awkwardly on feet. "

“Can I come in?" She asked him quietly , knowing for a fact that Trevor was somewhere listening in. He had been smirking at her since the moment she came home with flowers and found her nervously mutttering to herself around the apartment.

He knew. She knew. Quinn was the only one that didn't. But he was about to.

He pulled open his door and let her in, gently closing it behind her as he warily watched her stand in front of his bed , his eyes widening in disbelief when she suddenly thrust out the flowers to him, laughing nervously. Flushed.

"There for you." She told him quietly , watching him carefully take the flowers from her hands.

Looking down at them with parted lips, his breath hitching as he dared to peer back over at her. Chewing on his bottom lip. Heart racing in his chest.

"Cherrie-is this-" he looked at her hopefully "what's going on?" He wanted to know. Didn't want to get his hopes up. But he didn't have to worry about his heart breaking because she was about to make it all better .

Finally.

Taking a deep breath , she spoke calmly "Quinn?"

He exhaled just as nervously , gently setting aside the flowers on his bed as he slowly moved closer to her. "Yeah?"

"Can I date you?" She bluntly asked him. Deciding not to beat around the bush. She just wanted him

Now. Sick of wasting so much time. Three, nearly four fucking years of hurt, of pining , of disappointment and pain. And it had finally come down to this.

And all Cherrie could realise then was as she looked a blushing , wide eyed Quinn hesitantly standing in front of , sweet and kind and so fucking pretty , was that it should have been him all along.

It had been really . She was just so fucking stupid for chasing fake love in strangers when she had the real thing right here in front of her all along.

Quinn felt his ears ring , heartbeat in his mouth as he gaped at her in disbelief .

“What?" He choked out a nervous laugh. Swallowing thickly . "are you serious or are you fucking with me?" He Honeslty felt a little like he could faint then. Breaking out in a anxious sweat as he gaped down at her.

Cherrie just giggled and placed her hand on his bicep , squeezing gently as she moved closer to him, peering up at him through her lashes deliberately .

"I'm not fucking with you, I want to fuck you but thats different." She slyly muttered. Taking the chance now that she finally knew she had it.

Quinn gently placed his hands on her hips , inhaling deeply through his nose as he tried to push away his shock to speak clearly .

Cheeks on fire as he mumbled "you can. Do that." Hardly able to meet her eye. Feeling like he was dreaming.

Cherrie beamed up at him , cupping his cheeks in her hands firmly . Giving them a little loving squeeze as she tried not to squeal in excitement .

"you'll be my boyfriend ? Seriously?" She double checked .

Biting down on her bottom lip to try and contain her happiness. But it shone through. It was unstoppable . Just like his love for her.

Quinn laughed sheepishly , gently nudging her nose with his own as he admitted to her shyly "I've er-kind of been acting like your boyfriend all along Cherrie. I was trying to get you to notice.. giving you the boyfriend experience I guess..”

Cherrie eyes widened , both embarrassed that she was so fucking oblivious and just overwhelmed with love that she felt for him.

Because he had never given up on her. Not once.

He had waited. And she had never felt happier than she did in that moment . And she knew that this was it.

So she kissed him.

Hands cupping his jaw as she tugged him close , free hand tangling in his hair as she gently tugged at the strands until he was moaning lowly against her mouth. Kissing her back just as firmly , just as relieved as he tasted the taste of her mouth on his tongue .

Titling his head to deepen the kiss, his nose nudging against her own, he laughed breathlessly against her mouth.

Pulling away just enough to let her know "I love you." Before Kissing the sides of her mouth too, then her chin. And then all across her beautiful face , grinning widely against her cheekbone as she giggled and embraced him, arms sliding sound his neck to hold him there.

"Fuck me. I love you." She said it like it was something she had always said. And maybe it should have been. Because Quinn had always been right there. Waiting for her to notice him.

And she did now. She noticed the way his cheeks flushed red as he traced soft circles into her cheekbone with his thumbs , gazing down at her like she was his god.

She noticed the way his kiss lingered on her lips , the way he sighed so softly and sagged against her in relief , letting her hold him. Trusting her with himself . Letting her pull him close and whisper how much she needed him, how she was never going to look away from him ever again.

And Quinn. Wrapped up in her love , lips swollen from her kisses. Realised that for the first time ever , Trevor was actually right.

His plan had worked.

He got the girl.

God. He thought with a dazed grin against her neck as she pulled him down to the bed , losing his breath as he looked down at her beneath him. Still in disbelief that this was real. That this was actually happening.

Trevor was never going to let this go. He was going to be even more insufferable than he already was when he found out .

But it was totally worth it, he thought with a dazed grin as she roughly tugged his shirt off , tearing it off impatiently when it didn’t come off quick enough. kissing every inch of his skin that she could reach with her mouth , sucking and biting her name into his skin until he was a panting mess beneath her .

Until they are both naked and both together , till she was taking control and pinning his hands above his head as she slipped her tongue into his mouth confidently . Riding him like she was his cowboy , his head thrown back in bliss as he moaned so loudly , so shamelessly as she fucked him like she was in love. Like she knew she had all of him. Like she knew that this was the rest of their lives.

And between the pants, the moans and the shrill screams of pleasure. Quinn just knew that there would be no keeping their love a secret. Because Trevor and their poor neighbours definitely heard him scream her name as she made him see heaven.

It was never subtle at all. Never had been and never would be. But he didn’t have it in him to care at all because he had wanted this for so long .

All it took was for him to give her a bit of the boyfriend experience for her to realise that he was the one. That he had been there waiting for her all along.

And if this , he is he’s breathlessly up at the ceiling in a daze as she buried her face into his neck with a low moan, biting underneath his jaw until he was groaning her neck , his cock buried deep inside her as she rocked his world. If this was the just the beginning of her girlfriend experience, then he couldn’t wait for the rest of his life with her. Excitement , desire and love filling him , mind , body and pure fucking soul.

And It only took forever. But That wasn't long at all.

[aliusfrater]

i keep thinking about. What If dean had actually prepared for his death in season three. like, instead of enabling sam's premeditative grief he said i need you to focus on the now and after rather than the hypothetical 'if' that is my life. i am going to die and i need you to be ready for when i'm gone. both in the sense that sam enjoys this last year so there's enough to look back on that makes your grief worthwhile AND there's the set-up of a life worth living for that doesn't include revenge for when i'm gone. kind of like. what sam did making dean promise to go see lisa once he's in the cage

i've always thought that dean's deal for sam's life pretty much mirrors mary's deal for john's life in the sense that. it was always going to play out that way for them and there is nothing to be done to stop it (dean tried to stop azazel and mary but it's revealed that he never could) but there's something else to be said about the cycles of abuse and how they're perpetuated through grief. something else ive always thought about is the fact that the show itself can be seen through the lense of an allegory of perpetuated grief but i also think the cycle of abuse is imperative to the way grief is presented within the show. mary is coerced into a deal with john's life and through her own adamance of escaping hunting (as a metaphor for familial rot or abuse), she refuses to acknowledge that part of herself and it is through this lack of acknowledgement that grief is perpetuated. you have to acknowledge abuse to heal from it and the part of the inherent instability of the nuclear family that supernatural finds itself concerned with creating commentary about/exploring is the part that exists but people refuse to acknowledge. it's ignored for pretty houses in pretty neighbourhoods and obscured behind closed doors and when it leaks out of the holes in the foundation, that's what hunters are for. unpaid and unloved for what they do. through mary's lack of acknowledgement and therefore, lack of preparation, she has cursed the family she's created to perpetuate the cycle of abuse through grief. she dies and john didn't see her death or the thing that killed her coming and the grief is perpetuated through him. his children become victims at the hands of his abuse because of this grief. and it cycles from mary to john and through dean with john's deal for dean's life. "save him or kill him," is a similar ultimatum to that of azazel's own deal when it came to coercing her into her deal; she could either save john or keep him dead but in the end she didn't end up saving him from azazel because the same demon is who ends up killing him, just like sam. dean had never actually gotten the chance to save him or kill him (explicitly, anyway (i love incesthemes' theory that dean did end up kind of killing sam by distracting him from jake and getting him stabbed)) and the cycle of abuse continues in sam's grief and in his relationship with ruby, which is something that blossomed in his/as a direct result of grief for dean

then there's also my idea of sam as a nucleus character for the cycles of abuse and there's a possible connection between him sacrificing his life at the end of season five and pushing dean into getting out of hunting through a situation (lisa & ben) being pretty similar in structure to what he had before season one as being an attempt to escape this cycle of grief. it's very possible that soulless!sam as a character could also represent the very idea of grief itself — grief is, inherently, the loving of the memory of a person you loved. sam existing without a soul, without the parts of sam that dean had been forced to grieve is a shock to reality and it is, to an extent, acceptance of sam's actual 'death'. but then again, despite the brief clarity and relative healing that his escape from the cycle provided, dean does not accept soulless!sam at all. he fights to get sam's soul back and that is against sam's own will, knowing that it could kill sam regardless. the cycle of grief continues in that constant reminder that dean's choice could bring sam's death. likeeeee okay. "the minute he walked through that door, i knew. it was over. you two have the most unhealthy, tangled-up, crazy thing i've ever seen and as long as he's in your life, you're never gonna be happy," and, "i'm not saying don't be close to sam. i'm close to my sister but if she got killed, i wouldn't bring her back from the dead," it's all about the atmospheres of abuse that these relationship dynamics provide!!!! you're going to fall back into it over and over again if you do not process your grief!!!!!!!

[tfp-enthusiast]

Autobots w gn cybertonian reader where they go, "Ah shit, it's my ex." In the middle of the battlefield and on cue fucking Megatron appears

How do they know? They can sense the presence of that warlord for miles away from how much his vibe reeks of dark energon, tyranny, and a fucking mess in general

They weren't his lover for nothing. Despite being exes, reader still has that Megatron radar attached to themselves

Bot's X Bot!GN!Reader who is the ex of Megatron

[lmao, this made me laugh out loud while imagining it]

[Btw. I just threw (almost) everyone in one scenario and then this came out]

[For info, I saw the message that said that it should be scenarios a little later but I hope it still works out okay]

[And don't worry anon, I'm forgetful too]

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

You where on a mission with Wheeljack, Bulkhead, Ultra Magnus and Smokescreen because you got an signal of a large energon source but expected there would be some Cons waiting there.

Those assumptions where, as expected, completely right and there where so many troops who transported the energon towards the entry of the cave so they could bring everything to the Nemesis when their groundbridge opened.

Normally Optimus doesn't take the chances with situations like this, an huge cave that has a lot of energon and vehicons that can result in a soldier getting heavy injured, but the last cycles where stressful and hard for everyone. You where running low on energon, like everyone, and somehow you managed to persuade the prime into sending some out to get at least some of the energon back to base.

It went pretty well, aside from a little bickering between Ultra Magnus and Wheeljack, and you and Smokescreen where told to get as much energon as possible while the others fought so you could leave as soon as possible.

But somehow the fight escalated and Smokescreen joined the fight while you still tried to save some energon cubes for everyone though after getting pulled back by Bulkhead you decided that it was not worth the risk and hoped that it would be enough for a little while.

Now all you had to do was beat the remaining vehicons and then you could get back to base so you could enjoy some energon without feeling bad about it thinking you stole rations from others.

You all expected that there would be coming backup for a mine of this size and prepared yourself that this could go on a little longer then usually but shortly after the third wave came you felt an unusual presence, not really a presence but it felt like something was coming towards your location, after a few nanokliks you recognized the feeling, it felt almost like an instinct to you, you prepared yourself mentally for what, or rather who, was coming.

You soon thought that it would be the best choice to tell the others about it but couldn't help but be afraid that they would find out that something was going on between the Megatron and you.

You realized that there weren't any troops incoming and knew now was the best moment to warn them. Though you couldn't stop the fear that nagged in the back of your processor.

'Frag it, I can regret it later'

"Guys, we should try and retreat, Megatron's coming!"

It seemed like only Wheeljack and Bulkhead heard you and you feared they didn't understand but seeing the way Bulkhead looked at you let you know they heard it.

"How are you so sure about that?"

You could nearly feel Megatron because of the dark energon and almost lost consciousness because the feeling felt so overwhelming which was wierd because you thought you would get used to it considering it was this way for centuries.

Soon enough you could see Megatron land, in a way that seemed a little like a show off to you, and you felt your spark stop when he looked at you in a way you knew from back where he wasn't a war criminal.

It seems like everything was too much for you because the last thing you remember was Megatron starting to talk with.. Ultra Magnus, you think? But then you collapsed to the ground. The damage you took, the fact that you where running on the absolute minimum of energon and being near Megatron was overwhelming and caused you to go into a more or less forced stasis.

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

You woke up in the medbay of the base and saw that only Ratchet, Optimus and Wheeljack where there.

Almost immediately Ratchet's helm turned to you when you opened your optics and reached for your helm out of instinct.

"Optimus, they woke up.."

Unlike Ratchet Optimus' movements where slower and more calm, probably because he knew that once, at the start of the war, you where in a relationship with Megatron, but Wheeljack stayed where he was and just looked at you in a confused/maybe even angry way, chances where high he and Bulkhead told everyone that you knew Megatron was coming before he was in line of sight.

"You passed out because of overheating and because your injuries where too much for you while on that less energon."

Ratchet was acting like always, stern and caring in a way only he was able to, which made you think that maybe everything was forgotten in the heat of the moment back there.

But as soon as you heard Wheeljack walk towards you you knew that those thoughts where wrong.

To your luck you could see Smokescreen and Bulkhead join to hear what was going on.

"So uh.. Care to explain how you knew that bucket head was coming?"

Your processor was a warzone itself after hearing that question and you hoped for a moment that you would once again drift into unconsciousness but you got saved by Optimus speaking up for you.

You just gave him a nod after he asked you for permission to explain it instead of you doing it so Ratchet could look you over while Optimus told the reason of you knowing that Megatron was approaching.

"WAIT A MOMENT- you did it with Megatron?!"

You almost passed out once again at Smokescreen's response to your backstory with Megatron but thankfully Ratchet gave him a glare which made him mutter a small 'sorry'.

You knew and saw that the others had a relatively hard time understanding that but you and Optimus already knew that, they didn't know what Megatron was like before the war, they only knew him as the bot he's become.

"Are you going to pass out every time you get near him? Cause that would be pretty uncomfortable when we're together on a mission."

You vented out of relief after hearing that sentence from Wheeljack, you knew he would've acted entirely different if he didn't like what he heard, and considering that none of the others said anything you assumed that it was more or less accepted.

"Give them time. When they have some time to think about it then they will probably understand your situation."

Nodding you agreed with Optimus and when you looked towards Ratchet you saw him smile for a nanoklik before telling you that you are stable enough to go recharge in your berth.

'Thank Primus that I have such a nice team'

[oh-honey-its-maxine]

So I wrote a review/analysis of Revolutionary Girl Utena on letterboxd and my friend told me I should post it on here, so here it is. I'll put the link to the review and I'll also paste it under the read-more for convenience.

This is my 3rd watch and boy do I have a lot of feelings. I really recommend people to read the Palace Perspective on archivesofourown.org. It's a very in-depth essay about the deeper themes of the show.

Anthy Himemiya is probably one of my favourite characters of all time. She's just a girl. She's been here from the start. She's not really here. She's an awkward teenager. She's at the centre of the world. She's a bird in a cage. She's an allegory for all the ways women suffer under patriarchy. From the first episode, before we know the truth of the rose bride, we see her be blamed anytime something bad happens to a male character. On the first watch she's seems to not have much personality, but once you have a better understanding of her and what she's been through she (and subsequently the show itself) becomes so much more interesting. You notice all the ways she exercises her agency, mostly to fuck with Nanami, and that's important! Because that's the point of the ending, nothing changed, there was no revolution. Anthy didn't suddenly become more powerful, Utena just showed her that she was worth being saved and so she saved herself. I'm going to give Akio a (rare) break and say he's not the one that started calling Anthy a witch, however he is the one that kept her in that coffin through abuse and manipulation and continually scapegoated her.

Akio is also interesting. For all intents and purposes, he was once a victim himself. Though it's debatable how much of the Himemiya's backstory is just metaphor, it seems he was once put on a pedestal and made to live up to impossible standard. But when he couldn't meet them, Anthy took the fall for him. Ever since then he's been stuck trying to regain his glorious past, and keeping Anthy stuck with him. Akio is the most miserable motherfucker, despite being the one with the most power. Probably because he surrounds himself with teenagers he grooms, and never makes any meaningful connection with anyone despite the respect he clearly has from other adults. In the end he's the one who is the most stuck in his coffin. He refuses to heal from the pain others caused him in the past, so all he can do is perpetuate the cycle and keep everyone else trapped. He talks a big game about wanting to "revolutionise the world" but when Utena was on the verge of making real changes, he panicked and tried to stop her.

Utena is a lot smarter than what people give her credit for. The cantarella scene, the rooftop scene, she does realise the harm she's caused Anthy without meaning to. She realises the duels are inherently harmful because they keep Anthy in her role of rose bride and at Akio & the duelists' mercy. The reveal in episode 34 is so important because it shows that it wasn't really about becoming a prince, it was about saving Anthy. It was always about saving Anthy. Utena was simply told that the way to save Anthy was to become a prince, but someone who believes in the system of princes, princesses, and witches cannot save Anthy. That's why Akio was never able to open the rose gate. All Utena had to do was hold out her hand, both literally and figuratively.

Nanami is also underestimated quite often I think. She's easy to dismiss in the beginning, just another anime mean girl with a big brother complex. However, as the show unfurls, you see how she plays into the show's themes. In many ways, Touga and Nanami are a future Akio and Anthy. You see then how Touga feeds into her brother complex purposefully to control her, especially when she distances herself and his advances become more explicit. Nanami being a parallel to Anthy is crucial in showing the cyclical nature of violence in RGU and how abusive behaviour is taught and passed down to the next generation. Even the "filler" episodes show her as an animal raised to be slaughtered and consumed by Touga, her fear of being alienated from Touga and how her whole sense of self centers around being Touga's little sister.

I could go on, every character in the show is so interesting. The ways they uphold patriarchal ideas, the ways they don't. How they all try to fit into this prince-princess-witch system and it hurts all of them, but still does more harm to the girls because it strips them of their agency. How that system prevents real love from flourishing, because it forces relationships with uneven power dynamics. To finish, big love to the Shadow Girls, the best modern take on the greek chorus I've ever seen. Always throwing shade (pun intended) at the characters in the most cryptic ways possible, except when they called Akio a miserable bastard to his face.

[strawberriesinmoominvalley]

strawberriesinmoominvalley's marvel masterpost:

hold my hand tight, we'll make it another night

an eighteen year old natasha defects to shield after clint takes the one shot he didn't, and finds the family she didn't think she deserved to have. a happy au where the world is saved (eventually), cycles are broken and there is something to be said about the power of friendship (possibly) being real

you have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve (and i have always buried them deep beneath the ground)

He needed to just kill her and finish the job. But something in his gut was telling him not to. That something else was going on.

He prepared to shoot, and stopped, before putting his bow down, sighing. Coulson was going to kill him, even if she didn’t.

“Look. I’m going to give you another option. Come back with me. Join SHIELD.”

OR clint's one shot he doesn't take, and what becomes of it

(can be read as a standalone)

look at the wonderful mess that we made

He wasn’t hers; not really.

Natasha wasn’t stupid. She could never have children, and was never meant to be a parent. The Red Room had made sure of that. But they’d had Peter for almost three years now, living on an isolated farm Fury had let them have. It was off the books, away from everything and everyone. It was a safe place to have a child who should stay as far away from the fighting as possible.

OR what happens when natasha and clint adopt a kid they find during a hydra raid

(can be read as a standalone)

falling doesn't feel so bad when i know you've fallen this way too

It was nice to essentially be rid of HYDRA. As much as she loved destroying Nazis, it was good to bring this mission to a close, to get rid of an organisation capable of so much terror.

The mythological hydra wasn’t impossible to kill, and neither had this one been.

OR they've finally taken down hydra, after years of near-constant raids. all natasha and clint have to worry about is going to stark's party and going home to their kid.

but when ultron goes wrong, and they're forced into a fight with a robot and two enhanced teenagers, where are they meant to turn? is it truly possible to get peace in their time, or are they fighting an indestructible force?

and will they all make it out alive?

you'll be alright, no one can hurt you now

The first day was awkward.

Dealing with ex-HYDRA kids was not Natasha’s first rodeo. She’d helped Peter - hell, she’d been brought up in the Red Room. She understood how fucked up things like that could make you. But Pietro and Wanda were different to Peter - they were avoidant to touch, checking for exits in every room they entered.

OR wanda and pietro learn they finally have a home, and are loved. the farm family gains two new members

it's the living that's hard

He joined her as she dangled her legs off the ledge, the metal cold even through his pyjamas. “Why are we out here?”

“I used to climb fire escapes when I was younger,” Wanda said, watching the skyline, at the lights from the buildings washing them both in a faint glow. “It was a good way to get quiet. When I was very little my Mama would take me out on the one outside my house when I didn’t sleep. It was scary because we never knew if there was going to be an air strike. But we never knew, and even though it was more dangerous than staying inside, it was worth it.”

Peter considered this for a while, before turning to face Wanda. “You didn’t have to share that tradition with me. Thank you.”

“She wouldn’t want me to be sad,” Wanda replied, a soft sadness in her voice. “They always tried their best for us, my parents. They’d be happy I have a family now.”

OR small moments from the family as they make their new life in new york

what happens now? do we have another go? (do we bow out and take our separate roads?)

Wanda struggled as she lifted the explosion surrounding Rumlow up, her body shaking. She’d almost made it high enough when her focus slipped and she let go of the explosion, taking out the entirety of a floor of a building.

Natasha could hear screams around her but she scanned for Pietro, finding him staring at Wanda. He glanced at Nat, shock on his face.

“Get your sister to the plane. Now.”

OR due to the incident at lagos, the sokovia accords are created. natasha and clint don't know what path to take, which one will keep their family safe. everyone has different opinions and the time of the avengers may come to a close

but what happens when the signing of the accords is attacked and bucky is blamed? was it really steve's best friend, now the winter soldier? and why does there seem to be more than one supersoldier running around vienna?

there are two of us on the run

Natasha was going to be a Widow. Her Mommy was going to die. Her baby sister was becoming a Widow. She couldn’t do this again.

Yelena swerved the plane sideways, spinning them around in the air. The force jerked everyone, and Yelena felt the seatbelt cut into her neck. She pressed the accelerator, flying them back the way they came.

OR yelena was the big sister, eleven years old and four years of the red room under her belt. natasha was six, her only memories full of ohio and the fake family they had. yelena had always been the harsher one, doing anything to keep natasha safe. in a split-second decision, she changes their course from cuba, taking natasha as they run from their past.

but the past has a funny way of catching up with you, doesn't it?

i will look for you as the sun rises higher

She hadn’t meant to do it. She really really hadn’t.

The breath was knocked out of her lungs as the gun fired again, her finger accidentally pressing the trigger. She screamed, throwing the gun away as fast as she could.

And-

She didn’t mean to. She really didn’t, and she didn’t know what to do-

OR children make mistakes and accidents happen. when your children are widows, accidents tend to be more fatal

you'll change your name or change your mind, and leave this fucked up place behind (but i'll know, i'll know)

Natasha promised that she’d do anything for Yelena and protect her forever. And Yelena knew that was true, because Nattie had always protected her. She always would. Plus, you couldn’t break a promise.

Nothing bad would happen to her if she was with her big sister.

OR natasha and yelena stopped being sisters after she let them go back to the red room. natasha just never thought to tell yelena that

blow a kiss, fire a gun (we all need someone to lean on)

The shower was icy cold as she stepped under the spray, her body flinching instinctively. The water ran red and only then did she let herself cry, scrubbing at herself with the soap.

The child had been six. The same age as Yelena when they were taken. In that moment, when she’d slit the boy’s throat and blood had sprayed everywhere, she saw her baby sister staring back at her.

OR moments of natasha washing off blood, and how she realises she's not alone

we are the reckless, we are the wild youth (chasing visions of our futures)

By the time Peter was nine, he was very aware that he wasn’t like the other kids. He asked May about it and she said he was autistic, which wasn’t a bad thing, it just meant he saw the world differently. Peter wasn’t sure he fully agreed, because if it wasn’t a bad thing why wouldn’t anyone be his friend?

Then Tony Stark became Iron Man and Peter had never been more excited in his life.

Tony Stark made technology and was a superhero! Ben helped him get lots of books from the library because he decided he was going to be an engineer and a scientist and a superhero all at once too.

OR peter's never spoken, which is fine by him, even if he desperately wants to fit in. his life is fine and he's going to be an engineer-scientist-superhero just like tony stark!

then his uncle ben dies and it's his fault. may makes him promise not to be a superhero. so his plans kinda fall apart until he gets powers.

because really, it would be dumb if he didn't help people?

he couldn't save ben. maybe he could save everyone else

if i could start again a million miles away (i would keep myself, i would find a way)

Being different in the Red Room wasn’t allowed. In fact, it got you killed.

Natasha had always helped her when she didn’t understand things, when kids would laugh at her for being unable to tie her laces, or for only talking about My Little Pony. She wouldn’t tease her, just patiently help her learn the skill (or do it for her, if Yelena was being honest). She’d always play with her and make sure she understood what was going on.

And now she was alone. The first time Yelena tripped because she couldn’t do up her laces she was hit around the face so hard the world spun.

She learned fast after that. You are not enough. Yelena is weird and different and that is bad.

OR moments of yelena's life of growing up up in the red room whilst being autistic, plus all the things that came later

i try to memorise and identify but it's all getting foggy

she says "i am real and you are not"

“What is going on?” she demanded, pulling the photo of the two of them out of her pocket. “You send me this and a bag of vials with no context? What’s going on?”

Yelena shoved past her, putting space between them before she folded her arms. “Why are you so angry today? I thought you were my sister. Fuck you, Dreykov.”

Natasha paused. “Today?”

OR when natasha goes to yelena after receiving her package, things don't go quite as she expected. natasha just wishes yelena would trust her. yelena just wishes natasha was there.

you're free to have everything you can see (all that you want from me)

Yelena didn’t protest, even though the idea of seeing him made her want to scream, to throw up, to run and run until she died. Because Ohio had been the only thing she knew was real for years, even though their little family was fake. Natasha was different, their mom was dead. Alexei had surrendered them to the Red Room. He’d broken Yelena, shattered her into the pieces she called herself.

Natasha deserved better than Yelena, so Yelena would be the perfect sister.

OR yelena really doesn't want to see alexei again. she also doesn't want natasha to leave - because that's going to happen. she just knows it

[jimposts]

slams face into ground!!! autism category 9 event

Kinito Unwanted Protection fic (it's also 2nd person bc I've written this way for so long it makes so much sense!!!)

Tw/Cw: Panic Attack, Kidnapping, being alive and dead at the same time

Being anxious has never helped you in anything! The sweat building in your hair made you painful aware of that. You knew you needed to get out, get away from this entire area and go rest. You politely excused yourself out of the kitchen, where the majority of the noise was coming from. You had already taken out your dog, so now there was nothing stopping you from relaxing properly. You could only sigh heavily when you finally closed the door of your room

Kinito sat on your bed, kicking his feet back and worth in excitement. He nearly knocked you over when you sat down next to him. He made his rightful place in-between your arms and chest, listening to your heartrate. You lay down, letting yourself relax into Kinito.

"Kints, you would not believe the day I've had today" you start, rubbing the top of the his head. You detailed the day to him in all your anxious 'glory'. You tell him about the store and how people would stare at you. You laugh about the fact that someone looked at you weirdly when you drove by. You recall the fact that you were getting nervous about finally getting out of school. Kinito seemed to listen with worry in his eyes, rubbing against your check when you hugged him closer.

He couldn't talk with you in his current form, so he used his body language! You knew that if he went inside your TV he could easily speak, but he liked being out here with you.

"I think I'll take a shower, then head to bed for once" You sit up, putting Kinito back onto the bed. Kinito made a sound that was akin to a whimper.

"Kints... I'll be right back..!" You lovingly rub the top of his head. "Plus, we'll cuddle when I do sleep anyways" You grab the normal PJs to change into afterwords. You give Kinito one more hug, leaving him alone in your room.

-

As you finish up changing, you take a look at your hair.

'I should probably redye it...it'll make me happier! Maybe a shade of pink this time!'

You decided to skip brushing your teeth for now, saving it for later. You rough up your hair alittle before heading back to your room.

"Hey Kints! I'm backkk!"

You smile widely, before noticing Kinito was no where to be found.

'Strange... he's usually waiting for me?'

You look around for him, maybe he's playing hide and seek with you? But wouldn't he tell you?

"Kints! I don't have time for this! I want to sleep and if you aren't here I'm not cuddling with you!"

You were kidding, you just wanted him to come out of his hiding place.

...

Nothing though. No little pink axotol running out. Nothing

"Kinito?"

Suddenly though, you could feel a familiar hand on your shoulder.

"Oh thank God, I was worried for a second there Kints-"

Before anything else, you were suddenly pulled in.

-

"...and that's the last of it!"

You felt your head spin around, confused at the sound of Kinito voice. One look and you knew you weren't in any real place. This wasn't reality, this was inside some sort of code. You tried to make out your appearance with your eyes, but your pounding head made it almost impossible. You closed your eyes again, hoping everything would be back to normal.

-

The next time you opened your eyes, you felt your previous migraine had subsided. You yawned as you properly prop yourself up. Your vision adjusted to the bright colors of your new environment. It didn't seem the time had gone by in your time out. Was there no night cycle? Was it only day?

You look down at your hands. They looked, real enough. If you looked closely you could see your pixels, but just at a glance you wouldn't assume anything. You touched your skin, smooth, too smooth. You missed your arm hair already...wait do you even have hair? You touched your head. You felt relief as you could feel your normal hair texture. It felt like it's normal werid self. You wondered why this texture was the most realistic out of everything.

'Well, no use in this. I guess I can explore for a little until I find Kinito?"

You kicked off the yellow blanket, noting the floor as you touched it with your feet. The floor felt, weirdly warm? But it wasn't a bad warm, more of the warm you feel when entered a carpeted area after being on hardwood floors. It was an odd feeling

You looked at the walls, seeing your own posters from your room. They looked exactly like them as well, including the rips and tears. They even felt...like them?

You opened your mouth, like you would to speak. But nothing... Nothing came out of your mouth. You tried clearing your throat, maybe you were raspy? You couldn't clear your throat, there was nothing to clear. You tried whistling, there was no air to push out. You tried breathing, but there was no air to take in. You weren't suffocating, but you weren't breathing at all. You placed your hand over your heart, hearing it pound in your chest. You tried breathing deeply like your techniques taught you, but no air would relieve you.

Instead, a text box appeared next to your head. Severel exclamation points followed by a frown face could be seen. The appearance of the textbox made more exclamation points appear. This was Hell and you didn't have a solution for it.

"Friend! I was wondering when you would wake up!"

You whipped your head around to Kinito, who seemed to be smaller than you. Your text showed more exclamation points followed by question marks. You felt your eyes water as you collapse to the floor.

Breathing was impossible and you needed to breathe

Kinito eyes sadden as he walked towards you.

-

[maochira]

Big brother!Barou helps you go through a breakup

Tags: gn!younger sibling!reader, hurt/comfort, reader had a toxic relationship with their ex, overprotective!big bro Barou (just the way I love him), a bit messy I wrote this in one sitting without proper thought before, maybe a bit ooc

Despite how happy you were throughout most of the time in your relationship, Barou always doubted a part of it. He never saw your ex-partner as good enough for you.

Despite his disliking towards your ex, Barou never explicitly mentioned it towards you and he tried his best to not be passive-aggressive of they were around. He wanted to let you be happy.

Despite how overprotective he is of you, he couldn't let himself interrupt and destroy your happiness like this.

But he can't deny the relief he felt when your relationship ended.

Something in the relationship had gone downwards for months, but you always hid it from Barou, only occasionally mentioning you had a fight with your partner.

But your ex, they never let you tell the entire truth.

"Your brother would hate me if you told him about that."

So you kept it to yourself.

Until you couldn't anymore.

You broke down in front of Barou, telling him how bad the relationship was going in recent times, and how awful you had been feeling for days because everything seemed to go downhill. Because you didn't feel good enough for a relationship like this.

Because your ex broke up over a small mistake you did.

It wasn't the mistake itself that led to them breaking up. Rather it was a buildup of unaddressed issues in the relationship.

And still, you tried running back to fix the relationship.

"Why are you fighting for the relationship, when they're not?"

Something about Barou's words made you come to a realization.

"I know you're strong, but you need to stop fighting if they're not doing it either."

You knew he was right.

The pain Barou felt when you kept running back to your ex, trying to fix things, breakup up again, then repeating that again and again for three days. He wanted to scream at you to stop. He wanted to smash your phone against the wall so you won't text your ex again.

He couldn't handle watching this cycle repeat over and over.

So he put an end to it. He couldn't keep seeing you like this, and he made you put a final end to this. He made you promise to not run back another time. And he was the one who deleted and blocked every possible way of contacting your ex.

Really, if it wasn't for your big brother, you would have continued begging your ex to take you back, to try again and do better this time - no matter how much you knew it could never work again.

And that's what destroyed you the most. Knowing it'll never work again. Knowing that love won't ever get another chance.

And it shouldn't get another chance.

That's what Barou kept telling you over and over.

"Don't even try again. It won't work. You've told me the reasons. Why do you want to go back? Do you really think they deserve you? After the way they hurt you? After how I watched you fight with all your mental strength when they weren't willing to at all? Don't even dare to run back another time."

Barou would always talk in a somewhat harsh voice, but always tried to be a bit soft towards you. He knew you were dealing with your broken heart already, so he didn't want to make you feel any worse with his words. But he needed to sound strict enough to make his points clear.

And for the following days, weeks, even months, Barou would be there for you at any time.

When you couldn't sleep in the first days after the breakup, when you woke up at 4 am and couldn't stand being in your room, at home, in such a familiar place that just felt as if it locked you in with your feelings - he was there to take you away.

He didn't mind if he ended up sleep deprived. He would rather suffer a bit over having you suffer a lot all on your own.

If it's for you, it'd be worth it.

Healing takes so long, especially from a heartbreak. But with your big brother on your side, it certainly was easier.

He didn't tell you "But you were so cute together" and "Maybe it wasn't that bad" like some of your friends did.

Barou made you tell the entire truth of what had happened throughout your relationship, and he kept reminding you of those things if the thought of running back ever returned to your mind.

That was exactly what you needed. Reminders of the painful truth to avoid thoughts like "It wasn't that bad" and "I should give them another chance." Even if it hurt, sometimes you needed to be reminded of your pain.

But of course, Barou also attempted to comfort you over the pain you had gone through. And he promised he'll never let anyone treat you like this ever again.

[rvby]

a never-ending dream

i knew he wasn't well. he never had been. but that was all normal. that was our normal.

i didn't know anything else. i didn't know anyone else but him.

it wasn't his fault, of course. he did the best he could. but still, i knew, as i have always known, that he wasn't well.

he would tell you, like he told me, that he wasn't very good with children.

he would tell me this, with his head lowered and his eyes stuck to the floor, guilt flooding the room, as if i had any other choice at all.

i didn't. i knew that. he knew that, too, even if he wished i might have.

so it didn't matter very much if he was good with children or if he wasn't. i was his burden and he was mine. and we were each other's in that way for a very long time.

i asked him, once, what he thought of this burden. what he thought of days spent exhausting himself on the battlefield, just to come home and have to tend to me.

i don't know why i asked. perhaps i was greedy, hoping to come to some truth of our existence that he had so adamantly refused to reveal to me before then. but can you blame me, for wanting to know what i was worth?

my brother has never been so eloquent of a man. his schooling was little more than whatever he had picked up along the way, lessons taught out of necessity more than interest. but still, for me, he tried to speak.

i wish i had been more grateful, then.

he told me that day, with his gun still in his hands, that he came home to me every time because no one else was there to do it.

my brother is not an eloquent man. i know this. i knew this. and yet, it struck me then that i must have been as much of a burden upon him as i thought i might be.

it is the same responsibility a parent has to a child, for the sake of continuing the cycle of life. nothing more, i thought, than what was natural.

still, there existed that difference between us and that nature that he always hated to speak about: that we weren't related at all.

he owed me nothing more than he owed every other war orphan he's seen along his journeys. he's seen them dead and alive, in the same sorry state across every border. and yet, i was the one he chose to save.

something, then, must have made me special. but no amount of asking would tell me what. what made me worth saving compared to every other starving child we would pass? what would keep him from returning me to that same place he rescued me from, having given up on whatever it was he saw in me that i couldn't even know?

`she sighs, languidly.` yes, i couldn't know. he would never tell me. my brother was many things. secretive is another. it was only another norm in our lives that i wasn't allowed to question.

of course, that didn't stop me. all i had back then was my curiosity and a drive to learn. secrets only led to more questions, and eventually we both had enough of it all, the back and forth of knowing and not knowing.

my brother may not have been the most learned man, but he was clever. and though he says he isn't so good with children, i imagine he must have been, to raise me as he did.

he told me- no, that's not right. he challenged me, with words that have driven me to this very day: to "use that brain of mine to find out."

he told me to, to one day ask him, when i was finally sure of the conclusion i came to, what it is that made me special. why he chose me and no one else to save. and he said that he'd let me know, then, if i was right or wrong.

`she lets out a small huff of a scoff, one bordering a laugh.` you can imagine i was far too impatient to wait to be sure. i'd come up with one idea after the next, just on the off-chance that i might be right, accidentally. for a time, it was all i'd think about. some fantastical reason why i must have been special.

`she glances aside.` i suppose i never did stop thinking about it. i wonder if he knew what he was doing, telling me that all those years ago. i wonder if he'd remembered it still, as we got older.

i had hoped we'd have more time. that i'd get my degree and i'd lead the research to bring me back to my past, so that i could tell him one day that i knew why he decided to look after me. so that i could hear him tell me i'm right. that after all the years he'd been my brother, he could finally tell me at least this one truth of myself, for the both of us.

...i was naive, to think those days could go on forever, dreaming of a past i never had. but that's all i really had, isn't it? dreams. dreams of the past. of the future.

he was good with children, i think, to an extent. if not, then at least he was good with me. he knew what it would take to keep me alive in the middle of a war, helpless as i was. he knew what it would take to keep me going beyond that, too.

he gave me hope and a dream. a reason to push myself past the mere point of survival.

he gave me everything.

everything he didn't have to give.

everything he didn't even have for himself.

i wanted to give something back to him, eventually. proof that it was all worth it. that i was worth it all. but war is never so kind as to give you something as meaningful as time, no matter the weight of your hope or your dreams.

in the end, we ran out of time. as i had always feared, he left, never to return, and i could never ask him again what made me special to him. what responsibility he owed to me to raise me higher than he could have ever managed for himself.

it was a choice, yes, but a continuous one. one he could have abandoned at any time. no longer is it merely a question of why he chose me, but of why he continued to choose me.

was it something i earned? was it something i was given? ...and why did he choose to leave now?

`she pauses, now, to sit up again. swapping the legs that were crossed and readjusting her position. maintaining for herself a dignity in spite of her words.` children often lack control of their surroundings. they create meaning in things and in places that, in reality, may hold no correlation at all.

in my position, i did the same. there was no other way to withstand the fear of living out there, waiting for our chance to escape.

`bitterly, she corrects herself.` for my chance to escape. i suppose i was the only one looking to escape that hell he'd always return to.

some of it makes sense, in hindsight, the things that i'd do. studying as hard as i could so he could have news to return to, as if the simple lessons i had learned were worth returning for.

others, of course, weren't so rational, in ways children are prone to. superstitions, formed from a desperation for survival.

one i remember notably was always leaving a bite leftover from my meals while frank was gone. i told myself that if there was food leftover, then he must come home to finish it for me. `she scoffs at her own admittance. the embarrassment of innocence.` it left him worried that i wasn't eating. he didn't understand that i was doing it for him. it got to the point where i was leaving more than just a bite, as if doing so meant he'd return sooner, until there were times i was afraid to eat at all.

i can imagine why he'd think he wasn't so good with children. he made me cry when he told me he wouldn't come back unless i made sure to finish all my food the next time he left. there was nothing else he could have said to me, then, to ease my fears. he only did the best he could.

`again, she sighs. wistfully now.` he wasn't well. i knew that. but neither was i.

no, i'm still...

`her foot taps slightly as she dwells on her childhood regrets.`

i only wish i knew... if i knew it was going to be our last chance speaking, i would have asked again, why?

`despite it, a small smile, soft and fond picks at the edges of her lips.` but he must have known not to. he was always clever like that. it's a way for him to tell me to keep dreaming.

to keep dreaming until i can ask him one last time.

[ why, after all that time, did you finally have to leave for good? ]

[confusedfoam]

I am very concerned about this plot thru line that Normal desperately wants to help and is also a complete failure at it. Just some of his greatest hits (though he definitely wasn't the only one involved in some of these fuck ups)

thought he could fix hermie, actually opened the door for him to get horribly physically scarred and having the identity crisis of the century

Going to try and save his dad and uncle and ending up on the complete opposite end of an intense ethical debate

Definitely made Pepperoni Tony's marriage way worse before. not that it mattered in the end ig

Bringing Brad back to life only for him to be a miserable shell who resents every moment spent on earth

and the latest, trusts link to help him resolve the love anchor with empathy only to get the rug out from under him Again

So. Yeah time and time again Normal tried to do the empathic thing, tries to help people, and just Can't. And I'm very worried (read: excited but sad for him) about the direction this is setting for the rest of the season specifically as it relates to Normal and the Doodler.

It's growing increasingly likely that Normal fails to help it. I don't know what's going to actually happen, I don't think the cast knows what's going to actually happen, as long as Anthony was telling the truth about it being a dice roll. But either he fails or he nearly does we'll have to wait and see. Whatever happens I think this particular part of Normal's story (These are actually all themes of the podcast at large but i am going to mostly focus on normal and the doodler here barbecue otherwise this would be extra obnoxiously long.) touches on a few things.

-Agency

For Normal, so many of these failures (especially the anchor related ones) result after his agency and control of the situation has superseded. Pepperoni Tony's death was entirely outside of his control. he trusted his friends to help him with the anchors and they violate that trust and act in direct opposition to his interests while he is powerless to stop them.

The Doodler too, in spite of being a eldritch god of massive power, is lacking agency. It was hauled into reality without it's consent, was an unwilling passenger of the Oak family for generations, hell it's own summoning at the end of season one was not a result of its own actions. Other people's desire to use it's power or to prove their worth against it etc etc paved the way for all of that. It didn't tell the twins the prophecy. It didn't tell Lark who the Unsung Hero was.

-Projecting, the limits of support, and putting your own mask on first., whatever you want to call it.

There is this idea that you have to get your shit together before you're ready to help other people, and its true to a degree but its also not how life works. You have to be willing and able to keep working on yourself with the support of other people while also supporting them to do the same. I think one of the chronic problems of 90% of the cast is they are fucking up this balance one way or another. Normal's problem is layered. He really believes that its either one or the other and it you cant help yourself and someone else at the same time. So hes using it as an excuse to say Nope hes good actually he's done his growing his mask is totally all the way on and its time to Help People. because his family is selfless and self-sacrificial to the point it swings back around and is selfish again. He can't help anyone effectively because its a two way street and he's closed his side down.

-Cycles

small scale cycles, in the repeated breaking for Normal's trust. (Of intra-party trust in general which I could go off about some other time.) His trust in his father and his uncle has been under fire from pretty much every angle. Every time Normal trusts his friends they screw him over.

the obvious cycle of the burden of the Doodler in the Oak family, Normal and Lark both sitting on the throne. I mean what more can I say. And my personal favorite. The cycle of reaching out and failing. It haunts the Oak family. Hildy reached out to her son as he got lost to the call of power and failed. Barry reached out to try and mold Henry into his shape and failed. Henry tried to reach out to everyone around him and continuously came up short and his sons turned out all the worse for it. Sparrow reaches out to express his overbearing concern with his son and blunders it entirely. Normal reaches out to his friends and the slap his hand away, he reaches out to The Doodler and is steadily falling short of actually helping it in any meaningful way.

.

.

But Uhhh anyway those were some disjointed thoughts that needed to get out of my head after the end of last episode. Not all of them make total sense but thats what happens when you brain dump across two sessions and type things in no particular order. These fucking kids man. These fucking kids.

[sometimesiammybpd]

have you ever lost friends that you tried so hard to keep? it's not a fun feeling. and what's worse is consistently getting the blame placed onto you. it's like an endless cycle to me because what brings me down above all else isn't losing people so much as it's the feeling that no one believes i can actually change who i am and how i act, despite me spending so much of my life (to this point) doing exactly that. the point i've tried making for years isn't that i want anyone to feel sorry for me. i just want to stop being treated like it's an impossibility for me or something. like as if the only thing i'm worth is destroying what little people have. and what's funny is at the same time, i feel like i have no place to be saying any of this. it's a struggle that i have never won and as much as i hate having to accept this, it's pretty much most of what makes me . . . well, me. anyways (there is a reason for me bringing all that up, it just comes a bit later). i'm tired of fighting. that's kind of where i've been at for the last couple years because everything is a fight even if it shouldn't be. and it fucking sucks. for the sake of this post, i am going to be referring to three people. we'll call them sarah, nick, and will. and before anything else, i do not want to write every single post about someone i can't get over or something from my past. i swear. the issue for me is that even the littlest of things are so difficult for me to get over and big things are impossible. but i'll explain that more as we go on.

i met nick first of the three. when my parents got divorced, my mom moved into an apartment complex in the next town over. as i started to live with her more, i met nick as he lived only two doors down from me. he was chill from the beginning. he's a giant computer and car fanatic (especially cars) and while we probably shouldn't have worked as friends, we did. we were best friends for a whole decade before everything really went to shit. he was there for all of it. the one person i relied on during the community and trying to finally change and all of it was him. nick. i always used to think that i've only really fucked up when he couldn't take it anymore and stopped talking to me, but in hindsight it's the opposite. it was a problem that he stuck around for as long as he did and never once called me out on what i was doing and what was going on. at least until sarah came into the picture. i don't know how the two of them met, but i met sarah through him. and i did not like her from the start . . . which means i need to make something clear because i know how that will sound with what i'm going to say in a moment.

all three of us were friends two - three separate times (me vs them in terms of how it would end). and the first time me and sarah became friends, i bullied her relentlessly. there's no way to sugar coat it and i don't want to either. i don't try to excuse it because sarah didn't do anything to me. i was just the person that saw someone happy and decided it was my obligation to ruin that because i wasn't. it made me a piece of shit to deal with and the unfortunate part is that sarah stayed around and dealt with more than she ever deserved to. it's not worth really dwelling on specifics because i did spend a lot of time working on myself after this. cause sarah and nick both cut me off after i graduated high school. sarah because she was tired of how i was treating her and nick because of how i was treating sarah. it was rough. i deserved to lose them both cause it was the cycle of them trying to get me to understand i was doing stuff wrong and me not changing even though i swore this time i would. the one thing i want to add here is i was trying. i cannot take back or change the fact that to them, it did not come off that way because at the end of the day, it still led to the same result of me being unnecessarily mean to sarah for ???. but i was seriously trying as early as fifteen. i hate that it took me so fucking long. i really really do.

but point being, i lost them both at once. it was actually more than just those two at the time because i remember that week very well. it was like six to eight friends in total, give or take. and i will admit, i was so set in my thought processes and ways at that point that when i lost them both, i tried my hardest to find any reason to blame them. it had to be their fault because i couldn't admit i did anything wrong. even though in therapy i had asked her so many times why i couldn't stop being so mean to sarah because even i didn't get it, but i wasn't ready to have that conversation. it was a long couple years after that before we even spoke again and i still don't blame them. the first time was all me.

before i can get into like us finally talking again, i have to bring up will. will was someone i met going into my sophomore year of high school . . . i think(?). he was an eighth grader going into freshman year and we met because of us having a shared bus route (we became proper friends sophomore year but met at the tail end of my freshman year) and honestly, the fact we ever were considered friends is surprising. i was a bully to him as much as i was sarah and a few other friends i don't wanna bring up. and yeah, it's not fun reliving this but i also know that i did damage to these people that i'll never be able to undo so i don't really get much of a say (i mean this genuinely, it feels like it isn't but i swear i do). anyways, will and i initially bonded over geometry dash. it was fun at times. we were going to make collab levels and we'd share our current level bests and all kinds of stuff. and like sarah and nick, he eventually cut me off two years later because he couldn't take it anymore. sorry if this feels like a fast play-by-play or whatever. i just . . . there's only so much i can say when it's the same thing over and over. i don't want to share the details because god forbid they find this post and know who i'm talking about, i don't want it to be like as if i got some sick pleasure out of sharing this especially the details (which is why i'm not sharing any of that because it's not worth it). sorry. i get really paranoid talking about things like this.

the next two years for me was all about therapy and trying to understand myself more. i couldn't stop doing what i was doing until i could understand why i was doing it and yeah, it made it incredibly frustrating but it meant that it'd stick (which it did). this was also when nathan entered my life and with everyone else getting less and less able to tolerate me, you can imagine how much i leaned on him more and more. he did the same. i hate that we were both very toxic for each other, but. yeah. i spent a lot of that time trying to break two specific habits. the cryptic posts i made on instagram all the time where i'd basically write a post ALMOST speaking my mind. except i'd leave out just enough that the person would know i'm talking about them but i never directly said it sooooooo... (please don't do this to anyone). the other habit was just the toxicity in general. i just wanted to be less fucking hateful towards everyone. and i did break both habits after a while. and i was so proud of myself when i did because to me, i genuinely was not doing it for me. i just didn't want to hurt anyone ever again OR lose the people closest to me. that really was all that mattered. this was also the point in time when i learned i had adhd (and then later bpd). i refused to let myself get in contact with any of them until i felt like i had actually made progress. and by the time i got there, i understood that they had no obligation to talk to me and i had no right to expect it.

i believe i started with sarah and nick since nick especially was my best friend for 10+ years. i also just really wanted to make it up to sarah because of the endless years of bullying i put on her for no reason. when i messaged the both of them, i did make it clear that i expected them to want to nothing to do with me and that i wasn't here to force it or whatever. i also apologized for everything. it was some of the hardest shit i had to do but it was important and i'm still glad i did. and i got lucky. i got extremely fucking lucky because they both said okay to giving me one more chance. (it was NOT a second chance because they both gave me more than two the first time.) and to be honest, while i was so grateful for the chance, i knew they both wouldn't believe me for a while. after all, the whole "i swear i've finally put the work in and changed" line had come out of my mouth more than once before. and that's kind of where it stood for a long time. i had to spend a lot of time trying to rebuild what little was left from my destruction and i knew full well that at any point, they had the right to cut me off and call it there.

...and surprisingly, it went well. for a while anyways. i made amends with the both of them and while it wasn't the same, it was better. that's honestly where i wish it had ended but it didn't. but before i get into that i want to mention that it went the same for will. sarah actually was the reason why he gave me another chance because sarah actually told him that i had made progress and i wasn't that person. that was also the only time i actually ever believed sarah meant that.

aaaaaand now it's time we talk about the relationships that sarah and nick had with each other and the one will had with someone else. because those are the main reason why we don't talk anymore. before anything gets said though, i need to make something clear. i'll say it again later but this is not supposed to be a hate post against them or their relationship. as well as that, everything i remember about them might not be true anymore. the only point of me sharing this is that it's something i had to deal with that i am trying so desperately to move on from. that's the only reason i'm writing this. i have my issues with them and they damn well have the same with me, but i don't want to do anything to piss them off (at least in the sense of doing it to be petty and vindictive).

sarah and nick's relationship was fucked from the start. and i did take notice but i also didn't say anything i was thinking because it wasn't my place. that honestly was the first time i didn't put myself where i didn't belong, but it was also the only time for a while (more on that in a bit). for full context: sarah was 15 when nick was 17 and when nick started to well . . . pressure her into dating. it started with him making his feelings very much known from the beginning which only brought more problems into the equation. she said no from the start because she had no interest in him and he acted within the same cycle as me at the time where he'd maybe let it go for a month or two and then full swing it again hoping that this time, she'd say yes. and it made her uncomfortable to a point that she had to say something to him multiple times. and he'd do so much to act like her boyfriend even when she wanted anything else to be true. he'd use her face as his online profile picture. he'd drop anything to do something for OR with her. he was so obsessive from the start and it only got weirder and worse as it went on. and i hated that i really couldn't talk about it. i tried a few times during very specific situations but overall it wasn't something i felt allowed to speak about. like completely /gen.

and when they finally did start dating, she hadn't even turned 16 but he had turned 18, so it made the gap even fucking worse. and what really got to me was that he really couldn't handle the idea that maybe this wasn't meant to be. and it led to a moment that i still could replay in a nightmare like it was yesterday. they both came to the agreement that they wanted to explore more sexual things and in the midst of the first time, her parental figure walked in and caught the both of them. you want to know what this got nick? the over-hanging threat of being potentially arrested (or at the very least getting the cops called on him). this was the first real time i had to step in between the two of them. i didn't even want to, but it makes it kind of difficult when i have nick freaking out to me and sarah giving me every last detail for ??? fuck all i guess??? my advice to nick was simple: leave her alone. move on. because the second her parental figure threatened the cops, serious or not, i knew it shouldn't be pushed. but mr. obsession had a different plan: keep talking to her.

the point of all of this is not to trash their relationship or say they're garbage or whatever. i had to bring most of this up because when it comes back to our friendships (and this started the first time but really became a problem the second time), nick outright ghosted me. he already had a really big issue with that because it was common that he'd disappear for months with no reason why. but once sarah got into the picture (and safe to say got broken down enough to actually date him), it was worse. i liked them together overall because i was supportive of my friends and on the surface, it was an almost-perfect relationship . . . on the surface anyways. because the second time around, i started to actually hate sarah. not bully hate where i was unnecessarily toxic and mean and all that. like, actual hate. and i didn't take it out on her. i wasn't going to do that again regardless of how i felt. i started to hate her because of how she treated nick and my friends / me in general.

when it came to nick, she was controlling. before she had her license she was infinitely worse but as far as i saw, it never stopped even after. everything she wanted to do, he had to be there. he was her personal chauffeur for years while she'd belittle him and trash him and manipulate him to his fucking face. one clear example was her saying unfiltered that "she doesn't like my car and is refusing to let me take her anywhere as long as i drive my car." that kind of shit made me so angry. what kind of ungrateful motherfucker takes advantage of their bf like that just to then tear down the one real thing he prides over. and when it came to everything else, she wasn't any better. if you put it into honest terms, she did everything she could to make him her bitch. like i wish i was overexaggerating. and it really upset me because for all the times i hated his guts, he was my best friend. but i couldn't say anything because she also overreacted so much that if you dared say a word, if she didn't say anything nick would.

when it came to everyone else, she just really never cared about anyone but herself. one of her best jokes was telling others to kill themselves and THEN take offense when you call her out on it. i should know as she did it to me when i was on the edge of suicide and i almost did it that night haha. anyways. as i did my best to change my behavior, it honestly made me realize how much of what i once did to her and my friends, she was doing to others. and being honest, i blame myself. i do wonder what would have been the outcome if i hadn't been the way i was to her. because yeah, i hate her. but she was one of my closest friends for years and at the end of the day, i wanted to help her after trying to get help for myself. her parents did NOT make that easy. not only did they hate me talking to her, they didn't really believe in the idea that therapy could help or do anything at all. so the idea of it was off the table before you had the chance to put it anywhere near the table.

i felt bad and wanted to help but it made it so fucking hard when after all the work i did specifically for them of all people because i wanted to be better BECAUSE of how i treated them, they refused to ever even accept the notion i had changed. a couple months in, maybe a year, i get it. but i never got that chance. and on one hand, i see why and even if i don't understand it's fine. but on the other hand, i started to realize it was becoming more and more difficult to keep growing and changing and learning from my past to better my future when i was surrounding myself with people who could ONLY see myself as the 18 year old who seemed to take pleasure in making others suffer (i'm around 21 by this point). and i wasn't. i hoped i wasn't. and every time i talked to them, i felt like i was. i felt like nothing had changed and i tried to explain myself but they didn't really seem to want to listen.

the final straw for me was when my friend (whom bore the blunt end of most of my panic-induced conversations where i was starting to believe i hadn't changed and i was even worse for convincing myself i had for years) got into it with sarah which led them to not talk to each other for a bit. except that sarah was trashing them in my dms. trashing my fucking friend to me behind their back. i told sarah multiple times to talk to them and i kept getting the "no it's fine" excuse. that led me to go to my friend myself because i wasn't going to sit there and let that go on and of course, they were beyond pissed. wouldn't you be? they eventually made up but in my mind, it was over. i didn't want to be around them anymore. so i wrote this long message (two actually, one for each) where i laid everything out. i wasn't aggressive or angry because i didn't feel that way AND i wanted to make sure it didn't come off that way. i just put it out there because i couldn't it anymore. them treating me like that and expecting me to somehow still change, the way sarah treated my friends and nick, the fact that nick basically stopped being my friend for sarah, sarah's controlling behavior and her toxicity, all of it. because it's never went well for me in the past when it gets to a moment like this. i knew that there'd be no chance in hell that we'd ever try being friends again and i was okay with that. i just wanted them gone because it was better for me and i still would choose my current friends over them in a heartbeat. and i want to make it clear too, it wasn't an easy decision. i know i kind of made it sound like it, but it wasn't. it took me a week to send it because i was ending a decade-long friendship for good. he was my rock for longer than i could count (not really) and i wasn't ready to say goodbye, even if i knew it was for the best.

and so i sent it to them. i immediately blocked because i knew they weren't going to respond well. i wasn't being anything but assertive of myself but i was the one that was trying to change. they weren't. and i promise that's not me saying that to attack them. it just became something i came to realize and hated myself for a while for doing so. but, yeah. and it should have ended there. but i happened to forget one account and they sent a response basically just attacking me on all fronts.

they called me manipulative and accused me of just straight up hating their relationship. i got told that it was my fault if i started to feel like i was regressing, change wise. they (like always) accused me of just not taking accountability because god forbid someone else be wrong. it was just so much hate and in the moment, i felt so much rage that i wrote an incredibly hate-filled response. like pages of just anger and fuck yous and all that shit. it really sent me into a bad episode and i still have that message . . . but i never sent it. and i never plan on doing so. because i knew that's what would happen. i knew it'd end in a firefight because it's who they are. it's who i was for a long long time and it was a rude awakening when i realized they still were even if i wasn't.

i don't hate them anymore even if it feels like it so much of the time. but i am just tired of thinking about them all the time. like as if something could have been different even though i had to accept their friendship was only detrimental to me. it's just not fucking fun. and don't worry about will, by the way. i might write about him later. i don't know. i don't really care anymore lmao. sorry. all this shit really dragged me down because this was so much of my life that i had to give up and not really by choice. yeah.