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get-shiggy-with-it · 3 years

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Ch. 4

18 + Minors DNI Please Check Rules Before You Follow

Pairing: Tomura Shigaraki x fem!Reader (brief reference to Dabi x Hawks)

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: smut, allusion to nausea (once), brief sacrilegious language (dabi), mentions of alcohol (dabi), mentions of smoking (dabi), dabi is just a whole warning of his own, gender neutral pronouns for reader, fem cause they're called a woman as an insult, Shiggy is an asshole, grinding, degradation,

Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6

Summary: In which a project is completed and a new one begins

AO3 Mirror

Taglist: @dillybuggg (shoot me an ask if you want to be tagged)

Your project was almost complete.

In some ways, it sort of felt like the end of an era. To Tomura, who was a creature of habit by nature, it was doubly strange to imagine no longer spending hours a few days each week locked away in your little study room with you bugging him to teach you simple html and him not-so-discreetly sniffing your hair.

He still hadn’t asked you out or whatever he’d been trying to do, much to Dabi’s chagrin. And because of this, Tomura was consistently plagued with the feeling of time running out.

You were supposed to meet today for probably the last time seeing as the presentation was coming up at the end of the week. He knew it was now or never at this point. If he didn’t fucking say something now, he never would and then he’d have to live with the same his roommate wouldn’t let him live down.

So instead of heading directly to the library after class, Tomura took the old route back to his apartment and shot you a quick text—praying to the fucking boner gods, as Dabi called them, that you’d take the bait.

would you mind putting the finish touches on shit at my place?—

there’s some parts i gotta do from my desktop—

That wasn’t completely a lie. It was nicer working from his pc setup, but before he wouldn’t have let you come anywhere fucking near there. Not until he’d finally accepted that you’d wormed your way into his brain somehow and he couldn’t live another day not knowing what your tongue tasted like.

bitch (endearing):

—no problem

—what’s your address?

Tomura’s heart fucking pounded mercilessly against the bony prison of his ribs. It wasn’t like he was a stranger to some good old fashioned anxiety, but he’d never felt a strange stirring in his stomach quite like this. Like he might puke, but in a good way.

He quickly sent back his street and apartment number, and waited on the corner until you texted back that you’d be there in an hour before he rushed inside.

“What the hell are you doing, creep?!” Dabi snapped at him when he burst through the door and yeeted his backpack onto the kitchen table.

Tomura didn’t answer, just made a beeline for the bathroom and slammed the door. He doused himself in record time, unbothered by the hot water causing red, patchy flare ups to bloom over his skin. He was almost disgusted with himself for putting in this much effort for someone like you. Someone being definitely kind of a slut if the way you dressed was a good indicator. But he just kept thinking about the way your hair or skin smelled so goddamn good when you leaned in close and he wanted you to be obsessed with him in the same way. Wanted you to want to bury your face in his neck and breath him in.

When he stumbled out into the hall moments later, towel drying his hair roughly, Dabi was taking a shot over the sink.

He looked at Tomura like hell had frozen over.

“Two showers in like a month?” he mused, sucking his teeth as the alcohol slid down his throat. “What’s the occasion? The fucking, second coming of Christ?”

“Well the bitch is coming over so…”

“Oh, that is a fucking miracle,” Dabi whistled and knocked back a second shot.

Tomura glared, stepping into his room and tossing his towel aside to tug on his nicest pair of black joggers and t-shirt that gapped a bit at the front, showing off a large expanse of his chest. It made him a bit nervous even just looking at his reflection but you definitely stared the few times he’d taken off his hoodie while you were working, so the risk seemed worth the reward.

“Yeah, well you’re gonna have to piss off for the night,” Tomura shouted into the kitchen as Dabi sauntered over to lean against his doorframe.

“You know, I conveniently do have a dick appointment with my own bitch, but now I don’t want to go.”

His tone was teasing, eyes hooded and clearly enjoying how flustered Tomura was already before you’d even gotten here. Tomura moved to snatch another pillow and do battle but Dabi raised his hands up quickly in defeat.

“Oh no, no, I just fucking did my hair for this Keigo asshole you are not gonna ruin it with that petty shit,” he shot back and disappeared somewhere into his own room. “I’ll be out of your greasy ass hair don’t worry.”

Tomura seethed and bit back of reply of his hair for once not being greasy as hell, but the multiple cum stains—both his and his nasty fucking roommates—marring the comforter caught his eye.

“Ugh,” he mumbled and balled the whole thing up, shoving it under the bed and spreading out one of his merch blankets from that manga you both liked.

Hopefully you wouldn’t think that was too cringey, but he had definitely seen your room plastered with merch in the background of your social media profiles which he totally did not stalk at all and maybe jerk off to on occasion.

The rest of his room was quickly cleared by a combination of shoving random crap into his closet and filling up their recycling bin to the brim with empty energy drink cans. He tackled the kitchen next which wasn’t as hard as he’d expected. Neither he nor Dabi cooked all that frequently, so the dishes weren’t an issue and the vague, lingering smell of whatever the fuck Dabi had been smoking early was cleared out a bit by leaving the balcony door ajar.

He checked the time on his phone obsessively, about ready to pound on Dabi’s door and throw him out on the step when the man in question emerged on his own—black platform boots donned with his ass hugging ripped jeans and a loose tank top.

He had on fucking eyeliner.

God and he thought Tomura was being desperate.

“What? Wishing you’d locked this down first?” Dabi sneered, grabbing his jacket from the rack and shoulder checking Tomura on his way to the door.

“I—” he stammered for a second, bristling as Dabi towered over him a bit in those fucking boots. “No, asshole, just leave before they get here.”

But at the exact moment that Dabi rolled his eyes and flung open the door, Tomura’s phone buzzed in his pocket. Looking up in mingled horror and embarrassment, he watched the door hit the wall and reveal you, a little more casually dressed than usual looking stunned as Dabi grinned down at you with pierced lips.

“Hi, I’m-” you started but Tomura’s live-in nightmare cut you off.

“Oh I know who you are, dollface,” Dabi wiggled his fucking eyebrows at you, clearly playing up the dramatics as much as possible to a degree even Tomura didn’t think he could pull off. “Name’s Dabi—”

“Uh, yeah and he was just leaving,” Tomura hissed and placed his shoulder firmly in the center of his roommate’s back, launching him onto the welcome mat as you side-stepped through the door.

“Yeah, see ya later creep,” he fucking winked as the door slammed shut in his face.

Tomura’s cheeks burned in the following silence which was only broken by your quiet chuckle. He noticed you did that a lot. Laughed at things without even thinking about whether it would sound weird.

“He seems like a lot,” you mumbled and glanced around at the living room/kitchen/foyer of his tiny apartment.

“Yeah…”

He thought he might feel the same sort of disturbance he usually did when Dabi brought his dates home but you seemed to fit easily into the space, unobtrusive but bright against the dingy walls.

“So, should we get to it?” you asked with a wry smile, spinning to face him and silhouetted by the sun set filtering in past the balcony.

He may not have felt the usual discomfort of intruders in his space, but his hands shook where he clutched at his thighs nonetheless. And just like always, if you noticed the bunched up fabric and the not so slight tremor in his bony arms, you didn’t say a thing about it.

You looked so good propped up on his bed, back against the wall and legs dangling off the sides as the now strangely comforting sound of your furious typing filled his room. It had been a few hours now, and Dabi had been true to his word, seemingly gone until tomorrow morning. The room was illuminated only by your screens and his small desk lamp that lit up your legs like a stage spot light.

His mind fogged over more than once with the fantasy of laying in between them.

“I just shared the final bit of script,” you said, breaking the comfortable silence.

The notification pinged at the top of his screen and he hummed in acknowledgement, plugging in your last pieces of text and saving the program.

And just like that.

It was over.

“I think we’re done,” Tomura whispered.

He didn’t really mean to say it so softly, but it felt strange to talk at full volume so he rasped out the words, knowing you wouldn’t care how shitty his voice sounded.

There was a creak and soft footsteps behind him as you shuffled off the bed and over to his desk. Your hands rested way too close to his shoulders than necessary while you leaned over his chair to look at the finished product.

It was still a little rough around the edges but Tomura found himself feeling a swell of satisfaction now that it was complete. All things considered, you’d come up with a pretty damn good concept and he liked knowing he played a role in helping it come to fruition.

The piece you picked was weird as shit. Some political satire about eating babies, lots of juxtaposition about the private life versus the public self and some bullshit rants on the nature of humanity blah blah blah.

It actually reminded him of you a little bit, now that he thought about it as he took advantage of you position to stare intently at your eyes scanning the screen. Not the eating babies thing, but the whole private self stuff.

In the half semester he’d spent locked away with you in quiet rooms and noisy, dimly lit basements, he could see such a stark contrast between the you he’d known from class all those weeks ago and the you currently sighing in relief over his shoulder.

Softer, more real—not so Stacy, bimbo, pick me slut like he’d always imagined you to be.

“Damn, we did it my guy,” you nodded, clearly impressed with yourself and him as well, which had Tomura’s chest puffing out just a bit under the attention. “I could fucking kiss you, I thought we’d never get it done.”

You turned to him, eyes closed in a half laugh but Tomura was so far from laughing. Cause you were really, really fucking close and he could smell you again and you’d been chewing that fucking gum cause it was hot on your breath. He knew, he really did, that you were kidding, that this was just a thing people said when they were relieved but he couldn’t help the weird, deer in the headlights stare that his face froze in.

Blinking, you raised your eyebrows at him questioningly when he didn’t make some crude comment about your chest brushing against his arm or shrug you off like he might have before.

And then you got this knowing, little mischievous look that reminds him far too much of Dabi for a split second before you pressed your face just an inch closer.

His eyes flicked down instinctively to your lips and his face burned when realized there was no way you didn’t see how he looked at you. Shockingly, despite the churning in his gut and the shaking in his legs, Tomura leaned forward just a bit too, working up enough scant courage to maybe close the gap. But then you started laughing?

It bubbled up quietly in your chest, more of a giggle than anything else.

You were laughing and shaking your head and his stomach fucking dropped to the ground and his face was on fire cause you were laughing and that meant he’d been fucking played like a goddamn fiddle but—

But then you gave him this faint smile and you weren't laughing anymore, because you were kissing him.

You were fucking kissing him.

Which, while yes he had set out to have this be the end goal of the night, he hadn’t actually believed it would ever happen. He’d never felt it in his bones like he thought he was supposed to.

And holy shit your lips were so soft??

So soft and smooth with no cool, sharp metal poking or pulling at the splits on his. It was like fucking crack, or what he imagined crack might be like with the way your mouth just glided against his. It was so easy to follow you, which was good cause he didn’t have a goddamn clue what he was doing for the most part. But you made it feel simple, and you even ran your tongue over the little scar that bisected his lips in this painfully adorable way that had Tomura pitching a tent in his pants like lightning.

God and when you pulled back and just enough to look at him again:

It was like every one of those cutesy, shojo manga suddenly made sense. The panels where the main characters look at each other and flowers bloom off the fucking page while they stare with those dark, hungry eyes—

Yeah.

Yeah he got it now.

And he was gonna ride that wave while he had it. So Tomura steeled himself and surged forward, grabbing both your arms and smashing his face much less gracefully against yours. He stood and you straightened with him, that same half giggle slipping out in the gaps where your lips parted on his as he clacked your teeth together and pulled back at the jarring sting.

“Eager are we?” you had that stupid smile on your face again but he honestly didn’t care anymore if it was an act or if your face really just looked like that with no fucking ulterior motive.

“Shut up,” he muttered, trying to catch your lips again and you mercifully let him.

Tomura nearly fucking came in his pants when you licked into his mouth and oh fucking god he really could taste the gum and that loud ass shit you were always drinking. Dabi was right, this was a fucking miracle.

Did other people always taste this good or was it just you?

He responded enthusiastically to say the least, sucking your tongue into his mouth and letting out a choked little noise when you prodded the back of his teeth. The movement of your legs, pulling him back towards the bed went mostly unnoticed until he felt himself tipping forward, landing with a thump on top of you as you both tumbled onto his mattress.

Tomura’s lips wondered boldly down your throat, smelling the soap or lotion or whatever the hell made you so fucking baby smooth compared to him and he actually growled into your nape when you laughed again.

“God, what the fuck is so funny?” he sounded muffled from where he was tonguing at the fleshy joining of your neck and shoulder.

“Sorry, sorry,” you pressed your lips against the peeling crown of his head and that alone made up for the interruption, “I’m just basking in the glory of being right.”

“About?” Tomura nipped at your skin once before lifting his chin to rest on your sternum.

“I just always thought you were sorta into me, but it was hard to tell cause you’re so quiet about that kinda thing.”

“....oh,” he didn’t really have an argument for that so he didn’t try to fight you.

“Did you think I didn’t notice all the convenient excuses to touch me or like the fact that you’re mean as shit to everyone else but me?" you asked not unkindly as you stroked a hand through his hair, frizzy from being left to air dry. “I also got the vibes you thought I was a slut anyway and it wasn’t super clear if that was a turn on or not.”

He cringed a bit at the blatant way you acknowledged all ruder inner monologues about your character.

“Well, I did a bit initially,” Tomura glanced off to the side, suddenly finding the chipping paint much more fascinating. God he really wanted to get back to the good stuff. “But I don’t now…”

“Oh no,” you cupped his face, running a thumb against the cracked skin on his cheeks and didn’t cringe when the drying skin flaked onto your shirt, “that was a pretty astute assumption.”

“Uh, what?”

He felt his draw drop and you dipped your thumb past his front row of teeth, toying with the pooling saliva.

“All the better for you though,” you continued dragging his chest against yours so he could feel your nipples through his shirt, “cause that just means I know how to show you a good time, and I get the feeling you’ve never had that happen before.”

You punctuated your words with roll of your hips against the fucking iron rod in his pants. The noise that left Tomura was inhuman.

He thought back to the day you got partnered with him. How he thought it would be a fucking nightmare and Tomura wanted to let the record show that he officially retracted that statement. This was in no uncertain terms, actually a wet dream come true and he was sure Dabi would never fucking believe him unless he walked through the door right now.

“That works,” he stuttered around the finger in his mouth and you reared up to wrap your legs around his waist.

Your lips found his again and he hummed in approval only cut off as you rolled so he was laying back and looking up. When you pulled back, he shivered at the way you raked your nails over his chest.

“So, you gonna tell me how much of a disgusting whore you think I am?”

#tomura shigaraki x reader #shigaraki tomura x reader #shigaraki x reader #tomura imagine #tomura x reader #tomura shigaraki x you #dabi #bnha fanfiction #bee.writes

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kinetic-elaboration · 3 years

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March 15: Odd Day

Gonna have to write this quick because my computer is desperate to update and I guess it’s going to do it now and I can’t run from it any longer.

Today was a supremely weird day. Last night I had the worst nightmare of my life. I dreamed a black shadow person was grabbing me, and it felt very, very real. I had to wake myself up to free myself. I thought it was dawn but it was 2am. I managed to get back to sleep--and then I had even more bad dreams. Not as bad, but not good. They were filled with serial killers and violence.

So I felt really confused and uneasy when I woke up. I wanted to get to work for some people and normalcy, but it was a deaaaaad zone. Only one other person, my supervisor, was at work in my department. Half of full time circulation is on vacation this week. We have no student workers, and hardly any students/patrons, because it’s spring break. Thus I continued to feel... awkward and adrift.

It got better, sort of, later in that I kept getting pulled into conversations by the few people who were around. But then I also got less done than anticipated.

Also, I am very confused about the days of the week and the time. The time change didn��t mess me up as much as some people (because my schedule is already so bad lol) but it did a little bit, plus the light is just... around at the wrong times. Better times! But wrong. Also, I have moved completely to in person work, starting this week, so I came in on Monday. But I’m taking off Friday. So it’s still a 4-day library week, but different days. Thus I never know what day it is. Yesterday felt like Tuesday, today like Wednesday. Etc.

And I was in the middle of a let’s-make-plans-to-see-each-other convo with B yesterday when he just stopped responding so I’ve been checking my phone every 0.5 seconds looking for an answer and that’s just mentally/emotionally exhausting.

It was really nice out today but I got a ride home anyway, with a co-worker who doesn’t usually work on Tuesdays, just to confuse me more, and picked up an early dinner on the way. It was good but I think it’s sitting weirdly in my stomach. Idk. I’m a little afraid to sleep but I’m also very tired so hopefully my brain will be nicer to me tonight. I gotta get up tomorrow, and then go grocery shopping after work. So I need that energy.

#the year 2022 #2022: rl

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mollydollyjournals · 4 years

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I'm 155.2lbs so back under 156 🎉 I really hope these scales are accurate. If so they're pretty awesome and I love having everything just there in the app rather than having to remember it and write it down and draw up my own graphs etc (it's these for anyone interested)

I noticed my body fat and stuff was also going down which is good, but then I decided to have a look at some of the other individual readings:

I don't really know what the number is supposed to actually be for visceral fat. Pounds? It's not specified. I guess if it were pounds it'd have a decimal. But it's gone from 9 to 8 and I was worried about having a lot of visceral fat so it's good that my number isn't very high. I'd definitely like for it to be a lot lower but this is better than I thought it'd be

I hadn't realised my body water was only just in the acceptable range. I guess it makes sense as I don't drink much water and have a lot of coffee or sometimes alcohol. Definitely need to do better on that one. It just always feels like such a chore to stay hydrated. Everyone says you get used to it but I never have, it just stays a chore the whole time. Anyway I guess I still have to keep trying

Skeletal muscle being low is...weird. For one thing I hadn't realised that's what the blue meant. The colour coding here implies that having a low skeletal muscle percentage is good? I don't really know. I don't understand this one. I guess I'll go look it up in a bit.

So. I'm super tired today. Suuuuper tired. Probably because I drank a bit yesterday. I was kind of trying to see how much I could drink seeing as my tests all said I'm fine. But I'm definitely still not fine. I had just under 2 units and I felt terrible and now I have a hangover. One hand is a little yellow again. Idk. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about that anymore, unless my doctor knows of something else. But I doubt it. So I'm just going to act according to my symptoms, which means moderate drinking etc.

Today I want to not drink anything. I have a bit left over from yesterday but I might just pour it away. I have more cans in storage but I won't want to open them for no reason. So I want to not drink today and hopefully have the energy to work out tomorrow. I might try to take a short walk today if I'm able.

I'm really hungry and it's annoying me. As in craving. I know exactly what I'm craving and it's not necessarily unhealthy but just...I already had a less healthy breakfast than I would want so I kind of feel like not eating the rest of the day. That's what I did yesterday (I had the bit of alcoholic fruit drinks so it wasn't a fast, I just didn't actually eat). Alternatively if I had the money and energy I could make myself a low cal soup version of what I want. But I'm really tired and in that case maybe I should just stick with nothing. But then maybe I'm risking binging. Ugh. I'm gonna have to think of acceptable foods for today. I really don't want my weight to bounce back up tomorrow. Originally I wanted to be at 140-145 by the end of January but of course I've had barely any change again. I need to stop drinking so I have the energy to work out and make decent foods. That's my best bet. But I shouldn't fuck it up in the meantime.

On the plus side, I just took some semi-nudes to test...I definitely look better. Still horrible. But I'm getting my shape back. I got a massive belly bulge these past couple of years, and the past few months I've kind of gone from ( . ) to | . | which is an improvement. I look like...chunky curvy. As opposed to just a lump all over. So I think with some proper angles and tbh probably some retouching, I could take some nudes and like... actually flirt properly with bf again. It's been a while since I did that. During a pandemic it's something that I should really do more, and I've wanted to, I just hate my body. But my torso is definitely smaller than it was. I can literally feel it. I won't say I slept well because I hardly ever sleep well for all kinds of reasons, but it's so much more comfortable lying down now because my belly isn't hanging over and my back fat isn't bunching up. I feel a lot smaller and it's so much nicer. Just need to do more to get back to where I was, then do more to finish up.

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waltzofthewifi · 4 years

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Kota Chapter 18: A Sleepless City

Beginning | ToC | Next

Ladybug peered out over Paris, watching for the newest akuma.

"Camouflaged akumas at night are the worst," she muttered. She turned back to her team. "Still no sign of Lightbend. Chat Noir, can you-" She faltered at the sight of her teammate slumped against the wall, asleep and leaning on Carapace, who was also asleep.

Besides her, Rena Rouge pursed her lips and Kota giggled.

Ladybug sighed. She knew Chat Noir's job had become busy in the last couple of days, and the five - five! - akumas in a row was making them all tired, but that didn't keep her from getting a little frustrated.

Rena Rouge walked over and lightly shoved at Carapace's arm, just enough to jolt him awake. He opened his eyes, paling a bit when he saw Ladybug watching him, and nudged Chat Noir awake.

"Enjoy your cat nap, kitty?" Ladybug teased.

"Sorry," Chat Noir replied.

"We're all a little tired," Ladybug replied. "But it's easier to stay awake if you're on your feet."

Carapace and Chat Noir both clumsily stood up. Chat Noir yawned like a cat and wiped at his eyes, and Carapace rubbed his face.

"What did I miss?" Chat Noir asked, walking up next to Ladybug.

"Nothing," Ladybug gritted. "Still no sign."

Viperion landed behind Kota, making her jump.

"Great, you're back," Ladybug said. "We haven't seen Lightbend, but I'm starting on a plan anyways, and we'll need - oh!" Ladybug was cut off when Viperion stumbled forward, and she was forced to grab him and steady him. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." Viperion stood back up. "Just tired."

"What's the plan?" Viperion asked.

"Ladybug, can we talk?" Rena Rouge interrupted.

"Sure."

Rena Rouge pulled Ladybug aside. "Are you sure we're up to this?"

"I don't know what you -" Ladybug cut herself off with a yawn. "- What you're talking about."

Rena Rouge raised an eyebrow. "You're barely staying awake. Chat Noir is not staying awake. Viperion looks dead on his feet, and me and Carapace aren't doing much better."

"I know," Ladybug agreed. "After we defeat Lightbend, I'll send everyone to take a nap."

"What makes you think that Hawkmoth won't just send another akuma?" Rena Rouge asked.

"If he does-" another yawn "-then I'll send Ryuko and Roi Singe out to distract them while we take a nap. But Lightbend needs to be defeated now, before they get any stronger."

Rena Rouge nodded. "Okay. But I'm going to hold you up to that."

Ladybug nodded, and the two headed back to the group. "Okay, here's the plan. Lightbend's powers make her practically invisible unless a light is shined directly on her."

"I'm assuming that's my job," Kota said.

It was only her second time using her miraculous, just over a week since the fight with Nightroach, but so far she had no problem keeping up with the rest of the team. It did help that her miraculous gave her an extra bolt of energy - something the rest of them desperately needed at this point.

"Actually, no," Ladybug said. "Rena, you've worked with Kota all night now, do you think you can do a convincing illusion?"

"Should be no problem," Rena Rouge replied.

"Great, so we'll start with one of your mirages," Ladybug said. "Once they See Kota time out, they might relax. Now, Chat Noir, I'll need you to maneuver through the dark and get ready to pounce when Kota activates her powers. When we fought Nightroach, and then Twilight earlier, your powers were enough to blind them. You'll need to do the same thing here. Once she's blinded, the rest of us can surround her and trap her."

"Any idea where the akuma is?" Carapace asked.

"It's in her headband," Rena Rouge suggested.

"Great," Ladybug said. "Good eyes, Rena."

"When do you want me to activate my power?" Viperion asked.

"After Rena's illusion," Ladybug replied. "I know she'll get it right after the first try."

Rena Rouge blushed at the comment. "I won't let you down."

"Everyone understand the plan?" Ladybug asked. Everyone nodded their heads. "Let's go!"

The best part of the plan was that it worked. Rena Rouge, despite how exhausted she was, pulled her illusion off perfectly. Lightbend was expecting the blindness trick, and deflected it the first time - but when Kota activated her own powers, it caught Lightbend off guard and blinded her just long enough for Kota to kick her back against the wall.

Just like Rena Rouge had said, the akuma was in the headband and Ladybug purified it easily.

"Miraculous Ladybug!"

"Good job team," Ladybug said. "Why don't you all head back to take a nap? I'll grab your miraculous in the morning."

Something large went boom.

"Another akuma?" Kota asked.

Ladybug could feel Rena Rouge staring at her. "I'll get someone else to distract them while we all take a nap."

"Including you and Chat," Rena Rouge insisted.

Ladybug nodded. "Yes."

Chat Noir yawned. "Sounds like a good idea."

"I can help," Kota suggested. "With the distracting. I'm still pretty awake."

"How?" Rena Rouge half-asked, half-complained.

"I think it's my miraculous," Kota admitted. "Gives me an energy burst."

"Just make sure you recharge first," Ladybug said. "And don't push yourself too hard." She turned to the rest of the team. "20-minute nap at least for all of you, then meet back here. And make sure to feed your kwamis - cucumbers and tea for Wayzz, tofu for Trixx, and candy eggs for Sass if you have them."

The three heroes nodded.

"See you in twenty."

Two more akumas later, and Hawkmoth seemed to finally stop. After waiting an extra five minutes, just in case, Ladybug felt comfortable enough to retrieve the miraculous and send home the rest of the heroes.

Lacy opened the granola bar, and then it was out of her hands and into Orikko's.

"Thanks for all your help today," Ladybug said.

"Of course." Lacy yawned, feeling the fatigue from the late night. She was not looking forward to school the next day, especially with their history presentation due.

"Ladybugs are supposed to be good luck, right? Would you mind wishing me luck on my presentation tomorrow - or today, I guess."

Ladybug chuckled. "I think I need that luck for my own schoolwork, but good luck. I'm sure you'll do fine."

"Not my first presentation on zero sleep," Lacy admitted. In fact, the nerves from the presentation probably would have kept her up all night anyways.

"Everyone's going to be tired," Ladybug reassured her. "Those akumas weren't quiet."

"Besides, my Miraculous gives you a boost of energy," Orikko replied, dropping the granola wrapper in the trash and flying up to the girls.

"Are you ready?" Ladybug asked.

"If I have to," Orikko said. "Though I'd be a great help during her presentation."

"I'm sure you would."

Lacy's alarm choose that moment to go off.

Ladybug groaned. "Don't tell me that's your school alarm."

Lacy sighed. "Yep. So much for a nap."

"Yeah." Ladybug sighed.

Her school must start soon too, Lacy noted.

"Well, good luck on your presentation," Ladybug said.

"Thanks," Lacy replied.

She handed Ladybug the miraculous, and Ladybug left through the window.

Lacy watched her go before closing her window and starting to get ready for the next school day. She had enough time to slip on her favorite shirt for school presentations, comb her hair and pull it into a nicer braid, and even eat some cereal.

"Sleep well last night?" Elizabeth asked over breakfast.

"Nope," Lacy replied.

"You still seem energetic," Elizabeth said.

Lacy shrugged. "Nerves, probably."

"About your presentation?" Elizabeth questioned. "I'm sure you'll do fine. The three of you are plenty prepared."

Lacy nodded. "I know, but still."

"It's normal to be a little anxious about school projects," Elizabeth said.

"A little?"

Her dad came down the stairs, struggling to put on a coat. "Good Morning."

"Morning," Lacy replied. "You need help with that?"

"I'm fine," he replied, finally getting his arm through the sleeve. "Just tired. Couldn't sleep last night with all the noise."

"Me neither," Lacy said.

"Hopefully people will be forgiving today," her father said. "After all, most of Paris didn't sleep." He leaned down and kissed Lacy on the top of her head, and Elizabeth on her cheek.

"I'm heading out, see you later."

"Why do you look awake?" A half asleep Chloe demanded when Lacy arrived at the entrance of the school.

"Don't worry, I'm not," Lacy replied. She proved her point by yawning.

Chloe raised an eyebrow but continued up the stairs of the school, tossing an empty cup of coffee into the trash. Lacy stayed back a moment, checking for Alix or Nathaniel, before following.

The class was mostly full - only Alya and Marinette were missing - but everyone was tired. Miss Bustier's eye kept closing as she sorted through paper work, Nino and Adrien were leaning on each other half asleep, and Alix was asleep at her desk with her head in her hand.

Lacy slid in the seat next to her and tapped on her shoulder.

Alix yawned. "Is class over yet?"

"Not quite yet," Lacy replied.

Chloe grumpily checked messages on her phone, with Sabrina yawning loudly beside her. Behind them, Max was mumbling about statistics while Kim was asleep sitting up. In the back, Rose and Juleka were cuddled up, sleepily talking about the presentation, and Lila and Nathaniel were quietly checking their phone. Mylene had fallen asleep on Ivan's arm, who was fondly watching her with half-open eyes.

The door swung open, and Marinette and Alya entered in, each carrying a tray of drinks.

"Is that coffee?" Max said, sitting upright.

"I know we're all tired from the akumas last night," Marinette said. "So I thought I'd bring a treat. Let's see - cappuccino for Adrien, decaf for Lacy, espresso for Nino, mocha with extra whipped cream - decaf - for Chloe, regular coffee for Sabrina-" Marinette continued listing off the different drinks as she handed them out. "-mocha for Juleka, espresso for Nathaniel, and I didn't know what you liked Lila, so I just brought you a regular with some creamer if you'd like it."

Lila sleepily looked up at Marinette, blinking a couple times. "...thanks?"

"Oh, and a cappuccino for Miss Bustier," Marinette finished, walking down the steps to hand the treat to Bustier.

"Thanks," Bustier replied. "How much do we all owe you?"

"Don't worry - my parents were more than willing to cover the cost," Marinette replied. She sat the last two drinks down at her desk before taking her seat.

Bustier stood up. "I know we're all tired, so we'll do a simple exercise this morning. Instead of drawing names, you can just compliment your seat partner. Adrien, Nino, would you like to begin?"

"Well, that practice was a bust," Anarka declared, passing out dinner to the tired classmates scrawled out around the room.

Kitty Section was supposed to be playing their new song for the class - minus Lila, who wasn't invited, Chloe, who didn't want to come, and Alya, who was babysitting - but they sounded, well, bad. Probably because none of them could keep their eyes open.

"I'm so tired I could barely see the keys," Adrien complained.

"My voice is not functioning today," Rose added.

"Thanks for the dinner Ma'am," Marinette said, taking her bag.

"What did I say about calling me ma'am?" Anarka replied.

"Sorry," Marinette replied. "Sometimes I slip into customer service mood when I'm tired."

"Why are you all so tired anyways?" Anarka questioned.

Marinette glanced at her classmates around the room. Mylene and Ivan were curled up together, not asleep but definitely sleepy. Adrien was laying across the practice stage like a dead cat. Rose and Juleka shared a chair, and Lacy, Alix, and Nathaniel were in a clump on the ground. Luka and Nino sat next to Marinette on the couch, Nino with his head lolled back and fast asleep, while Luka plucked half-heartedly at his guitar. Sabrina was laying on her stomach, from where she had been watching the performance, and now her head rested on her hands and her glasses had fallen off. Kim and Max were leaning against the wall, Kim barely staying awake and Max furiously typing away at his phone. Markov was moving about the room freely, like a guard drone.

"Did you not hear the akumas all last night?" Mylene asked.

Anarka shrugged. "I'm used to loud noises at night."

"Between the noise last night and our assignment today, we're all pretty tired," Marinette surmised.

"Well, we have more pillows if any of you need one," Anarka said.

The doorbell rung. Lacy jumped a foot in the air with a squeak.

"Sorry," she apologized, wincing from a glare from Alix, who had been partially leaning on her.

"You startle really easily, don't you?" Luka observed.

Lacy scowled. "So I've been told."

Adrien had also stood up. "It's probably Nathalie."

Luka shook his head. "Not for another hour."

"Oh. Okay." Adrien plopped back down onto the ground.

"I'll see who it is," Anarka said.

Just as she was leaving, everyone's phone beeped.

"Update from the Ladyblog," Nino said without even checking his phone. "Alya had a bunch of fan-submitted photos she was going to post from last night."

Marinette reached for her purse, placed next to the couch, and almost tipped over reaching for it.

"Careful," Luka said, reaching out to steady Marinette.

"Thank you."

Marinette nipped her bag by the edge and tugged it forwards her, straightening herself back out on the couch. She fished for her phone, accidentally bopping Tikki on the head, and pulled it out to see Nino was right.

"These are good pictures," Rose commented.

After scrolling the article for a bit, Marinette had to agree. Some were blurry, but among them were a few seriously cool shots.

One captured Chat Noir just as he brought his staff down on a transformed car - the akumatized object during that fight. Another had Kota mid-strike, her braid whipping behind her giving the picture dynamic. Someone had gotten a good picture of Rena Rouge playing her flute, and another of Carapace with his shield up high, summoning his shelter.

And of course, there were plenty of Ladybug.

"I bet Alya really appreciates that pic of Carapace," Lacy said.

Adrien propped himself up and looked at her, baffled. "Why?"

"Well, she obviously has a crush on him," Lacy replied.

"What?" Nino squeaked, going beat red.

Marinette half-grimaced, half-smirked. Lacy's sometimes too good at reading people. But then again, with all the talk I have to sit through on Ladybug's love-life...

"I mean, like a celebrity crush!" Lacy backtracked. "She obviously likes you better, I was just - I'm going to shut up now."

"Besides, it's not like you don't have a crush on Rena Rouge," Adrien added.

Nino went even more red. "Dude..."

Lacy giggled.

"I think everyone's had a crush on a superhero," Rose admitted.

"Everyone knows about my crush on Ladybug," Nathaniel added.

"And your crush on Chat Noir," Alix added.

"Oh?" Marinette asked. "That's new."

Nathaniel reddened a bit.

"I don't have a crush on Rena Rouge!" Nino splattered.

Lacy chuckled. "Sure..."

"Lacy here knows everyone's crushes," Alix teased. "She's like a mind-reader."

"Oh really?" Kim asked. "Who do you have a crush on?"

"No one," Alix replied.

Lacy nodded. "You, on the other hand - lets see, there's Ryuko, Rena Rouge, um - oh, and Pegasus, of course."

Now it was Max's turn to go red.

This is fun, Marinette thought.

"Don't forget Adrien's massive crush on Ladybug," Alix added.

"And Ryuko," Lacy commented.

"What about Luka?" Juleka asked, leaning forward.

"Oh, well I don't know him too well..." Lacy squinted at Luka. "But you seem like someone who would have a massive crush on Ladybug."

Luka turned red, eyes flickering to Marinette for a moment before looking away.

"Looks like you were right again," Alix said.

"Maybe we shouldn't be making fun of people's crushes?" Rose asked.

"Why? Their just celebrity crushes - not like anyone in the room will ever get a chance to date a superhero," Alix asked.

"If you're uncomfortable, just say so," Lacy added.

"But it's not like we don't know you had a crush on Ladybug," Alix finished.

Rose blushed. "She's just so - inspiring. I can't help it."

"If it makes you feel better, so does Juleka," Lacy added.

"Oh, she knows," Juleka replied.

Marinette felt herself redden.

"I wouldn't say I've had a crush on any superheroes," Mylene cut in. "But if I had to choose one, it would be Carapace."

"Hmm, I'd have to go with the new one - Kota," Ivan added.

About time, Marinette thought, watching Lacy redden a bit.

"That leaves Marinette and Sabrina," Alix said. "Now, what superhero do you have a crush on, Marinette?"

"Um, none!" Marinette replied.

"Uh-uh, dude," Nino said. "I know you too well. Rena Rouge is definitely your type."

"And word around the school is that you have a crush on Chat Noir," Sabrina added.

When did it get so hot in here?

"Looks like a yes on both of those," Lacy said. "Though I personally know of another - Viperion."

Luka gave her an unreadable look, and Marinette felt like melting.

"Ooh, you two would be great!" Adrien commented, still lying on the floor.

Right, because Adrien knows who Viperion is. Would my crush please stop shipping me with Luka?

"Alright, Sabrina, what about you?" Marinette asked, desperate for a change of conversation.

"I'm a Roi Singe fan," Sabrina said.

"Huge Roi Singe fan," Mylene added. "She had one of the sweatshirts on when we went to get our hair done."

"Those things?" Alix asked. "You know you can get Marinette to make you a custom-made one, right? I got a really cool Viperion one the other day."

"Ooh yes please!" Sabrina said.

"Alright, but it might take some time," Marinette replied.

In the distance, Marinette registered yelling.

Luka sighed. "I should check on mom."

"I'll come with," Marinette said.

For some reason - that reason being they were all nosey - the whole class followed.

Luka cracked the door open, jaw dropping when he saw the scene. When he opened the door completely, Marinette could see why.

Anarka was having a screaming match with Jagged Stone.

"Mom, what's going on?" Luka asked, stepping out.

"Nothing," Anarka replied. "He was just leaving."

"But Anarchy, I'm family," Jagged argued.

"What?" Juleka whispered, a couple feet behind Marinette.

"You have to let me-"

"I don't have to let you do anything!" Anarka yelled. "Now, off of my boat!"

Jagged slumped in defeat but obeyed.

"Mom?" Luka prompted again.

Marinette watched Jagged leave, noticing the way his fists tightened, and -

"Akuma!"

#kota #my writing #hoo #pjo #kane chronicles #miraculous ladybug

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jungcupid-archive · 5 years

Text

i dare you (to never let me go)

pairing: jungkook x jimin jungkook x taehyung (subplot)

summary: and after all that had passed, jungkook would always be pulled back to jimin. he didn’t know why, maybe it was fate (or maybe it was his 9-year-old daughter).

chapter: 3/?

a/n: forgot to post this here but posted it on ao3... am i boo boo the fool? yes.

Mina was up. According to her alarm clock, it was 8:59 AM. She could’ve just immediately gone downstairs to find the present she knew would be waiting for her, but she liked hearing-

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR mina! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!”

-that.

Mina could’ve screamed for hours on end about how excited she was (she was 9 years old!), but she just raced out of bed and down the stairs to find the letter. Mina saw a gift from her Daddy in the living room but decided to leave that for later. Next to it, there was an envelope with a sticky note on it. It read: Mina, I’M SO SORRY!!! I was called in to work for a few hours. Grandma won’t be able to make it but I trust that as a fresh 9-year-old, you’ll be able to take care of yourself. Be good. Brush your teeth. Keep the doors locked. Don’t pick up the phone if it isn’t me. I put your cereal on the kitchen counter. Love you, I’ll try to be back fast!

Mina couldn’t even bring herself to be upset, he’d be back soon enough. Until then, she had the company of her other Daddy. Mina snuggled up on the couch and opened up the envelope carefully like she did every year, taking out the loose sheets of paper with immaculate handwriting on them. She was already buzzing with excitement when she began reading.

Dear Jimin,

IT’S YOUR 9TH BIRTHDAY! WAY TO GO GIRL! I don’t know how you’ve made it so far with only Jungkook to take care of you, but good job! I know he’s a handful, but be patient with him, yeah?

Mina laughed at this.

Today you turn 9. Another year older and hopefully wiser. I know what you’re expecting, the usual stuff about being amazing and learning new things and me telling you stories about me and your other father, but this birthday is a little more exciting. This year I’m going to tell you about Jimin (not you, although I’d love to talk about you). If I know Jungkook, and trust me, I do, then he hasn’t found Jimin like I told him to. You probably don’t even know who he is.

He was right about that.

Get comfortable, honey. I’m about to tell you the story of Jungkook and Jimin (featuring yours truly).

“Jimin, stop moving!”

Jungkook poked his head out from behind the canvas and aggressively waved a paintbrush in the air. “That’s cheating and you know it.”

Jimin rolled his eyes at Jungkook through the mirror, “Technically, it isn’t because it’s already been 2 hours. 2 hours and 1 minute, to be precise.”

The boys were in the dance studio, Jimin posed delicately in front of the mirror with his back turned to Jungkook, who was set up with an easel to paint the other boy.

“Besides,” Jimin practically whined, “I’m tired. When you said you had a dare for me, this is not what I had in mind.”

Jungkook restrained himself from throwing his paintbrush at Jimin when he turned around, no longer holding his pose. A cry of rage nearly left his body. Jungkook was too good to this Park Jimin kid.

“Jimin! Fine, go ahead, cheat. See if I care. I always knew you were a bad sport.” Jungkook gave the other a sarcastic smile and started packing up his paints.

“I just told you that I didn’t cheat! Check your phone, you absolute buffoon. We started at 2, it’s 4:01 now,” Jimin exclaimed, offended that he had to defend himself like this. He snatched his unopened duffel bag off the floor and crossed the room to Jungkook. The painting was beautiful, as always, showcasing Jimin’s form gracefully. Light glinted off the rings on his fingers and his hair looked like it was made of feathers, but Jimin couldn’t care less. He’d just been called a cheater. Again.

“You always do this,” Jimin continued, sitting on Jungkook’s stool as soon as the other got up. Jungkook placed the painting lightly on the floor and began folding his easel. “I always do the dare exactly right, and you always end up salty because I didn’t fail, consequently calling me a cheater because of some inferiority complex bullshit.”

Jungkook stopped his movements and turned to face Jimin, arms crossed and the vague thought of murder on his mind, “I do not get salty. And what are, some sort of junior psychologist? Fuck off. You’re just a sore loser who can’t ever complete his dares properly.”

He fished his phone out of his pocket and thrust it in Jimin’s face. The clock read 3:59. Jimin didn’t back down, showing Jungkook his own phone that read 4:01.

They both glared at each other and before Jungkook could come up with something rude to say, Jimin shoved his phone back into his pocked and turned to leave. He raised his hand in a half-wave with his back turned, “Whatever, Jungkook. See you later.”

As soon as the door closed, Jungkook began muttering to himself, eyebrows furrowed, “God, who does he think he is? It’s not my fault his phone is set to the wrong time. And would it have killed him to pose for a few more minutes? He knows this assignment is due in, like, 2 days.”

When everything was packed up, Jungkook slid down onto the floor. His neck was killing him from being ducked over the stupid painting for 2 hours – no, 1 hour and 59 minutes. The room was air-conditioned but his face still felt warm from frustration. He stared at the ceiling. God, he really did like this room.

It was so much nicer than the art studio, all blank walls and no personality. This room was charged with energy, even without people inside. The floors were bright yellow and the walls were covered with signatures of past students. It was where Jimin had taught him how to dance. Where Jimin had probably also wanted to dance today because of his upcoming showcase, but never got the chance because Jungkook needed someone to pose for him and he knew Jimin didn’t back down from a dare.

Jungkook groaned, rolling over onto his stomach and throwing a contained tantrum because he knew he’d been slightly unfair. Okay, so maybe he’d been a little less understanding than he could’ve been. A lot less. And maybe Jimin had been just the teensiest bit right about Jungkook being salty. Maybe. He took in a deep breath and sat up, slowly gathering his materials.

When Jungkook opened the door, staining the knob with red paint in the process, he was surprised to find Jimin leaning against the wall outside with his eyes closed. His lips quirked up into a smile and he opened his eyes, looking to Jungkook. Jungkook couldn’t help it, he smiled back.

“Sorry?” Jungkook attempted. Jimin laughed and shook his head.

“Time is a construct anyways, and so are apologies. But I’m sorry too. You can finish up tomorrow, I’ll be there.”

Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck and said, “Thanks, and after that you can practice for your showcase. I’ll critique.”

Jimin plucked his duffel bag off the floor and began walking down the hallway with Jungkook by his side, “Yeah? And what makes you think you’re capable of doing that?”

“Well,” Jungkook started cheekily, “I recall my dance teacher as being quite the klutz sometimes, it became second nature to point out his mistakes.”

“Brat.”

“Your brat.”

“Nope, just a brat.”

And that was them, Jimin and Jungkook. They’d known each other all through high school and now they were learning to navigate how to be freshman all over again. Sure they fought. A lot, actually. But in the end, they’d always come back to each other. Because they were best friends and for best friends, it was hard to be with each other sometimes, sure, but it was harder to be without each other.

“This is unnatural! It shouldn’t exist! I’m going to fail and get kicked out of this stupid school and never be able to design stupid buildings and make stupid money for the rest of my stupid life!”

“Extensive vocabulary, little Jeon.”

“Shut your stupid trap, little Park.”

They were in Jungkook’s dorm room. Jimin was lying on the bed, reading some book about healthy eating. He sighed and placed a bookmark in the crease before setting the novel aside and sitting up. He stared at Jungkook, whose head was resting on the desk. Jungkook lifted his head just enough to make puppy-dog eyes at Jimin.

“Help me?” Jungkook tried sounding pitiful, which wasn’t hard considering his current status of Dumbest Person Alive. “I don’t understand this shit at all, and I sure as hell can’t fail.”

“Yes you can. This class is an elective, remember? Your perfectionist ass probably doesn’t like hearing this, but you could fail this class and it literally would not affect your life-long goal of becoming an architect. Your GPA? Sure. But how much is one class really going to matter?” Jimin’s logic was flawless, except for the fact that Jungkook’s perfectionist ass truly didn’t like hearing any of it and therefore did not process any of it. His life was a stack of Jenga blocks and God was a drunk freshman at his first frat party desperately wanting to prove his worth by winning a game his loose limbs were just not made for.

“Also, taking Chemistry this year just because you were good at it in high school was a stupid decision. Just throwing that out there.”

“You suck, go back to reading about the different kind of leaves you can put down your throat,” Jungkook huffed. He slammed his textbook shut and stared out the window dramatically. “I’ll just fail and damage my perfect GPA, which, by the way, is the pride of my family. Stop laughing, I’m serious!”

Jimin finally got up from the bed and sprawled himself over Jungkook’s lap, turning his face away from the window. Jungkook pouted. “We’ll find you a tutor, okay? Let’s go get some food right now, it’s late. I’m a performance arts kid, Chemistry makes me want to physically throw up.”

“Technically you’re a health and nutrition kid,” Jungkook muttered, but he complied nonetheless, and soon they were down in the cafeteria.

It was close to 8, which meant prime time for kids who lived on campus. There was a flock of people crowding around the cakes, which immediately put Jungkook in an even worse mood than he was in before.

“They’re going to get all the cheesecake cups before we get there,” he groaned, “why is life so unfair?”

Jimin smacked him on the back of his head and told him to “sit the fuck down drama queen” so that he could get them food. Jungkook obeyed and pulled out his phone, deleting some pictures from his phone and moving others around to keep everything organized. He was considering joining Jimin in the line and even scanned the crowd of people to spot where the elder was when he noticed what was happening.

Jimin was standing uncomfortably in front of this dude who looked like the type of person to duct-tape knives to their chest for “self-defence”. He was standing incredibly close to Jimin, practically breathing down his neck and although Jungkook couldn’t heart anything from so far, he could see the guy mouthing words into Jimin’s ear that were clearly making him uncomfortable. Jimin shifted every so often and didn’t once look behind him. Jungkook’s eyes narrowed in annoyance as he got up, getting closer to the line.

Park Jimin was usually so outspoken and didn’t hesitate to defend himself when Jungkook accused him of something but throw him into a situation where an actual confrontation was needed, and suddenly all his bravado left him. Jungkook almost rolled his eyes.

Jungkook walked straight up to Jimin and not-so-accidentally shoved the guy leaning into him as he went in to peck his cheek. Jimin turned to look at Jungkook, ears tinting pink as he opened his mouth to say something. But before he could, Jungkook whined in a sickeningly cute voice, “Baby! What’s taking so long? I’m hungry!”

“Uh.”

Park Jimin everybody, a man of many words.

“Dude, don’t you have something to say?” The discount serial killer behind them said through gritted teeth, his eyes on Jungkook.

“Oh! I’m sorry! Did I bump into you? I guess I get too excited when I’m with my boyfriend. Sorry about that.” Jungkook ignored Jimin pinching his stomach and merely slid his arm around his waist. “It won’t happen again.”

“I didn’t need you to come save me like some knock-off knight in shining armour, idiot,” Jimin muttered lowly, struggling to move out of Jungkook’s grip.

Jungkook grinned, planting another wet kiss on Jimin’s jaw, “Relax, baby, it’s the least I could do for my honey bear.”

“One more word and I’m not sweet-talking Ms. Chan into giving you an extra cheesecake cup.” Jimin warned, at which Jungkook immediately shut up. Although his hand stayed on Jimin’s waist, it didn’t have to, but Jungkook liked having it there. He certainly didn’t want Freddy Krueger back there to try something else. Yeah, that was it. A gesture of consideration.

After they’d gotten their food and settled down at a table, Jungkook gave Jimin a sly smile. “You’re such a charmer, Park Jimin. I don’t know how you get Ms. Chan to give you extras every single time.”

He grabbed the first of his two cheesecake cups and began devouring it, not even sparing a glance at his actual dinner. Jimin looked at him distastefully and wrinkled his nose, “I think she likes that I have actual manners and can behave decently in the caf, unlike someone I know.”

“Wha you mee?” Jungkook choked out from his mouthful of cake, he quickly swallowed the rest and wiped his mouth free of crumbs. “You know, as flirtatious as you can be, you don’t handle intimacy very well.”

Jimin’s hand stopped in mid-air, bell peppers falling from his fork to the plate with a satisfying plop. “What.”

Jungkook grinned, “Earlier, your ears turned red! It was the most entertained I’ve been in 19 years, to tell you the truth. What was up with that? Wait, don’t tell me… do I make you… nervous?”

Jimin stabbed his vegetables a little too hard on the plate and looked up with an obviously fake smile, “Shut up if you know what’s good for you, Jeon Jungkook.” Jungkook didn’t back down, opting to lean in close across the table until Jimin looked up, only to find that the two of them were nose to nose.

“Oh look, a fly.”

“No fly here,” Jungkook said in a matter-of-fact tone, thankfully without food in mouth. His innocent expression slowly transformed into a smirk. “Just a well-mannered boy who definitely does not make you nervous acting decently in the caf.”

Before Jimin could call Jungkook out on his bullshit, there was cake on his face and he couldn’t see. He could hear Jungkook cackling, his evil laughter only increased when Jimin tried to blindly swat at him.

“Oh, Jeon Jungkook,” Jimin said in a murderous tone while wiping cake off his face, “the dead man you are today.”

In the blink of an eye, both boys were up and running. Jungkook screamed in delight while being chased by a ravenous Jimin. Ms. Chan stared at them with a surprisingly fond look in her eyes (probably because of Jimin, the old charmer) and then nearly yelped when she realized Jungkook was running towards her.

Jungkook jumped over the counter and hid behind Ms. Chan.

“You wouldn’t go through such a beautiful lady, would you?” Jungkook taunted as Jimin also slid over the counter. “Especially not when her hair is looking so voluminous!” Jimin made a wild swipe for Jungkook but he moved out of the way.

Jungkook stepped towards the left and in the split second that Jimin lunged to that side, Jungkook slipped past Ms. Chan on her right, gave her a wink, and sprinted out of the caf and towards the field. Just when he thought he’d successfully evaded the wrath of Jimin, Jungkook felt a hand on his shirt and he was yanked back and knocked to the ground. Thank god for soft grass. Jimin sat on top of him, a triumphant smile on his face.

“Guess who?” He practically sand. Now, what happened next was purely evolutionary instinct. Jungkook was the prey, and Jimin was the predator. Also, Jungkook used to be on his high school wrestling team so it might’ve had something to do with that. In a span of seconds, Jungkook utilised his rush of adrenaline to take Jimin down and straddle him, switching their previous positions. Sometimes, he forgot that Jimin was physically smaller than him. It was moments like these where he just really, really enjoyed that fact.

“I swear to god, the minute you let me go-”

“Who says I’m letting you go?” Jungkook pulled out his phone and carelessly pretended to entertain himself with it, “I have a couple phone calls to make anyways, care to listen in?”

Jimin, clearly defeated, stopped resisting and just let Jungkook sit on him. He stared at the stars and exhaled deeply, rolling his eyes when Jungkook leaned over his face to block his view. “Jesus, Jungkook. No one’s ever going to be able to date you for longer than 2 minutes. You’re the worst.”

“Oh, definitely,” Jungkook waved off. He pocketed his phone and leaned in even closer to Jimin, fingers grazing his cheek where there was some cake left. “And I don’t need someone, anyways. I have you, don’t I?” He popped the cake into his mouth.

Jimin cleared his throat, eyes lingering on Jungkook’s finger, “Excuse me?”

Jungkook put his ears right next to Jimin’s ear and whispered, “I’ll just marry you, babe.”

Jungkook sniggered when Jimin hastily pushed his torso back up, his face turning a cute little shade of red. “No thank you,” Jimin choked out, sounding embarrassed. He sighed in relief when Jungkook finally got off him.

They sat criss-crossed, facing each other under the harsh field lights. Jungkook smiled and then shook his head, “In all seriousness, I love you. You know that, right? Having you with me has kept me sane this year.” He knew it was cheesy, but Jungkook felt the need to thank the older boy for putting up with his stupid ass.

Jimin punched him on the shoulder, looking anywhere but at Jungkook’s face. “Yeah, yeah. I love you too.” Before Jimin could withdraw his hand, though, Jungkook caught his wrist and held it gently between his own fingers. Without warning, he planted a soft kiss on Jimin’s forehead. When he pulled back, there was cake on his lips and Jimin, although caught off guard, silently wiped it off with his thumb.

“Well, this is awkward,” a voice boomed out from behind them. A boy stood there, about their age. His features were a little hard to distinguish because the lights didn’t quite reach him. “I didn’t expect to be hearing love confession on my walk to the caf, but by all means, continue. Don’t let me interrupt you!”

Jungkook and Jimin stared at the boy, and then back at themselves. All at once, they sprang up and took a few steps away from each other. Jimin was the first to speak.

“It’s not like that, trust me. We’re not… we would never… uh… hey, I know you!” Jimin exclaimed as the boy stepped out from the shadows. “You’re Taehyung!” You’re the one who gave me flowers at my last showcase! You wouldn’t have believed it, Jungkook. He just came up to me and said ‘hey, you deserved flowers for that; and then he ran out of the room. I thought I was hallucinating, but then he shows up out of breath with this grin on his face as he presents me with a huge bouquet of flowers with the tag still on them and-”

Jimin turned to look at Jungkook but he was staring at Taehyung, his face gone slack. He glanced at Jimin long enough to convey the get-me-out-of-here-before-I-say-something-stupid way look and Jimin, looking beyond confused, simply turned to Taehyung, gave an awkward little wave goodbye and then pulled Jungkook away and into the building.

The whole time going back to the dorm, Jungkook didn’t say a word as Jimin complained about “bad impressions” and “making new friends”. As soon as they stepped into the room, though, Jungkook snapped out of his trance and started hitting his head against the closet door. Jimin, not entirely unhappy with the situation, just sat down on Jungkook’s bed and watched him repeat the action a few times before he stopped, his head rested against the door.

“Okay, crackhead, care to finally explain?”

“I’m in love.”

Jimin gaped at him. In all the years he’d known Jeon Jungkook, he’d never proclaimed his love for someone else. He’d had crushes, even on Jimin, but he’d never blatantly said that he was “in love”. It wasn’t like Jungkook, who’d told Jimin time and time again that there was no way he’d ever get into a serious relationship in high school because he still had no fucking clue what that entailed or what this whole love business was about. Jungkook was a feeler, but a calculated feeler.

“Kim fucking Taehyung. He’s in my Chemistry class and ever since I saw him on my first day, I’ve just been head over heels,” Jungkook groaned, removing himself from the closet and collapsing onto the bed, his head lying in Jimin’s lap. “I only ever see him in class and I’ve never once had the nerve to talk to him. So seeing him outside of class was… jarring, to say the least.”

“Kim Taehyung,” Jimin murmured, not fully listening to Jungkook, who continues talking about Taehyung in a dreamy voice as Jimin stares straight ahead.

And even though Jimin should’ve laughed or teased Jungkook about love at first sight, even though Jimin should’ve complained about not being told about this earlier, he didn’t. Instead, his head hung low so that he was looking at Jungkook’s head in his lap, his eyes lighting up as he talks about Taehyung, and something inside of him cracked.

And Jimin had no idea why.

“So when were you planning on telling me?” Jimin asked through a mouthful of toothpaste. Jungkook gave him a pointed look in the mirror and pulled his own toothbrush out to twirl it next to his head, the universe symbol for ‘you’re fucking psychotic’. He spit into the sink.

“You would’ve gone all crazy. Remember when that girl asked me to Prom in junior year and you interrogated her to the point where she backed off and told me she didn’t want to go with me anymore? I didn’t want that Jimin to appear.”

“Okay, fair.”

Jimin finished brushing his teeth and watched Jungkook neatly pack up his toiletries. He made a move to leave but stopped when Jungkook pulled out a bottle of perfume tentatively.

“No.”

Jungkook looked offended, “What? I can’t smell nice?” But he averted his eyes.

Jimin rolled his eyes, “I can’t believe you’re this whipped already.”

It was a known fact on their floor that Jeon Jungkook was sensitive to smells. If you were inviting him over, your room must be a scent-free zone unless you wanted him to go home with a nasty migraine. Jungkook never used perfume, usually opting for lotion instead. Jimin knew this, the whole world knew this.

But here he was, dabbing perfume onto his wrists and gently rubbing his neck. Jungkook crinkled his nose and shoved the bottle back into his bag. Jimin scoffed.

“You’re willing to be confined to bedrest and nausea because of… because of what exactly? Kim Taehyung?” Maybe it sounded a little catty, but Jimin felt the need to bring his best friend to his senses.

A dreamy sigh escaped Jungkook’s lips and it was like watching a cartoon character’s eyes literally glaze over, “Because of love, little Park.”

Before Jimin could retort, someone stepped out of the shower from behind them and Jimin instinctively looked over his shoulder. When he saw who it was, he immediately cursed and kept his head down. Jungkook looked at him strangely and flicked his forehead.

“Hey, let’s go. Jimin?” Jimin almost threw a fit, if only Jungkook would learn to read social cues.

“Jimin?” A deep voice called from behind them. Jungkook turned around and his eyebrows immediately narrowed. He grabbed Jimin’s elbow and was ready to storm out of there but Jimin didn’t move. Jungkook watched in disbelief as Jimin put on a reluctant smile and turned, staring straight at his ex.

“Namjoon. Hi!”

Namjoon stood there with a towel wrapped around his waist, skin still glistening with moisture. Jungkook had to admit he looked good, even if his fogged up glasses ruined the effect. Didn’t make him any less of a dick though. Jungkook’s scowl didn’t drop off his face once as he watched the two of them converse for a few minutes. In fact, it only seemed to deepen when Jimin laughed at something Namjoon said. Jungkook was 99% sure he’d have permanent wrinkles around his mouth when Namjoon leaned in to give Jimin a hug and said bye.

Jimin joined Jungkook looking slightly dazed but jumped when Jungkook snapped at him, “Don’t go fucking soft on me, Park Jimin. I forbid you from falling for his charm again.”

“Shut up, I won’t. He was just being friendly.”

“He was just being friendly,” Jungkook imitated in his most annoying, high-pitched Jimin voice. This earned him a (well-deserved) pinch to his side.

Kim Namjoon had been an unfortunate part of Jimin’s life when they’d first started University. A smart, older student who, unbeknownst to Jimin and Jungkook, had quite the reputation for being a grade A asshole. Unfortunately, he was also incredibly charming. What did this lead to? A one-sided relationship in which Jimin got pulled back in every time he was about to leave because Namjoon carefully planned out when to showcase his boyfriendability. Jungkook, of course, called bullshit and finally got Jimin out of what had to be the worst relationship of his life and dealt with the aftermath as Jimin cried about how stupid he’d been (and occasionally, how much he missed Namjoon, for whatever reason).

They remained friendly, much to Jungkook’s chagrin. Jimin wasn’t entirely comfortable with him yet, but he could handle a casual conversation. Or at least, that’s what he told himself.

Jungkook, on the other hand, had perfected his bullshit detector.

“If he even tries talking to you again, I swear to god,” Jungkook muttered, annoyed. He grabbed his backpack from his room and threw it to Jimin, who was standing in the doorway.

“You’ll do what, Jungkook?” Jimin’s eyes shrank in amusement. Jungkook finally found his keys from deep within the folds of his blanket and he quickly reached the door to lock up.

“Anything. I’ll do anything to make sure he doesn’t,” Jungkook said firmly, grabbing his backpack from Jimin and putting his keys inside. Jimin just laughed and waved his words off, beginning to walk down the hall.

“I’m serious, Jimin. I don’t want him near you. Hey!” Jungkook grabbed Jimin’s wrist and pulled him back to him. Jimin, not expecting the sudden jerk, nearly tripped over his own feet but Jungkook held him up by the shoulders.

“Jesus, Jeon, give a guy a warning next time,” Jimin rolled his shoulders to get rid of Jungkook’s hands and then looked at him right in the eyes, “I’m not going back to him. Understand? Contrary to what you may believe, I actually do have some self-respect. Sure, I have leftover feelings but that’s all they are – leftovers. Echoes of what I actually felt. So calm down and let’s go to class.”

Guilt appeared in Jungkook’s eyes but Jimin stopped him from saying anything, “It’s okay. Let’s just go.”

He nodded and they walked down the hall together.

Jungkook wandered to the field after class to wait for Jimin. As he sat down, he scanned the crowds for the familiar tank top and basketball shorts combination but didn’t find it. He was considering calling Jimin just to be annoying but his phone rang before he could go through with it.

The universe was always stopping Jungkook from being a brat, it was actually kind of rude if he thought about it.

Jungkook picked up when he saw it was his mother, a smile immediately spreading across his face, “Mom! I thought you’d forgotten about me-”

“Why hasn’t Jimin called me? It’s been a month!”

“Yeah, missed you too,” Jungkook leaned back to lay his head on the ground but was met with a pair of legs instead. Jimin was sitting cross-legged behind him, and Jungkook grinned at him from his lap. “He’s here now, why don’t you nag him yourself.” He put the phone on speaker and placed it on his stomach.

“Park Jimin? Is there a reason I haven’t heard from you in a month? Or are you too old to talk to me now?”

Jimin winced at the harsh tone and put a hand over Jungkook’s mouth when he started giggling. “Hyejung, it’s not like that. You know it’s harder for me to find the time right now and-”

“Mm. I thought you’d be the type to make the time, not find it. Guess I was wrong.”

“You know, I see where you get your pettiness from,” Jimin said drily to Jungkook. Then, picking up the phone, he said, “Hyejung, I swear I’ll come to visit soon. For now, though, we’ve really got to study, okay?”

“Fine, fine. I’ll grant you leniency just this once. Pick up your phone next time, okay?”

“I was in class!” Jimin exclaimed defensively.

Jungkook clucked his tongue in disappointment, “You know that doesn’t matter to her.”

“Whatever you say,” Hyejung said apathetically, “I’ll leave you to it, then. Is Jungkook still there?”

“Yes, I am. Thanks for noticing, oh dear mother of mine,” Jungkook plucked the phone out of Jimin’s hand and turned it off speakerphone, holding it to his ear. He said a few more okays and alrights until finally, the call ended.

“She calls me more than my own mom,” Jimin shook his head in disbelief. Jungkook grabbed his Chemistry textbook and handed it to Jimin, who opened it up and rested it on Jungkook’s chest.

“Well, if I knew your mom, she’d call me more than my mom. We were clearly switched at birth. And don’t put the book here, I can’t look at the material if I’m trying to study. Oh, that reminds me actually, what are we planning for the summer? Are we finally visiting yours?”

“Are you actually going to study?”

“Uh, probably not.”

“Idiot.

Jimin closed the book and placed it on the grass beside him, leaning back on his wrists. The sun was pleasantly warm. Jungkook tilted his head back in Jimin’s lap and pinched the skin on his neck. “Hey, answer me. Are we going to your place? You’ve never even told me where exactly you lived before coming to Busan. I don’t even know the names of your parents! Wouldn’t it be nice to, I don’t know, spend some time there?”

Jimin sighed and looked down at Jungkook, tweaking his nose gently before saying, “I’m sorry, Jungkook. Can I just come back to yours this summer?”

“Of course, but Jimin…” Jungkook suddenly sat up and turned to face Jimin. He seemed to struggle to find the words and then finally decided on, “Just, I’m here. You know, to talk or whatever. You didn’t tell me then, and you aren’t telling me now, and that’s okay. I just don’t want you to carry whatever this is around forever. Okay?”

Jimin smiled and ruffled Jungkook’s hair, “Okay, little Jeon. Now really, you have an exam in less than 30 minutes, shouldn’t you study?”

“Shit, yeah. You know what, I’m going to study outside of the class. Maybe I’ll find people in my class to study with. To be clear, people is Kim Taehyung,” Jungkook shoved his textbook into his bag and blew a kiss to Jimin as he got up.

“Love you, babe! Wish me luck!” Jimin groaned in embarrassment but wished him luck anyways, waving reluctantly.

From the outside, it looked like something more. But Jimin knew they were just friends. Just friends.

It had been 30 minutes since his class ended and 20 minutes since Jimin first received his text, and Jungkook still wasn’t here. Jimin was waiting in the dance studio, scrolling through Instagram without really paying attention to what posts he was liking. Jungkook had told Jimin to meet him there, saying he’d come after “talking to Taehyung about a thing”. Their conversation had gone as follows:

5:40 p.m

>bitch meet me at the practice room we gon get shit DONe

5:41 p.m

istg shit better not just mean ur shit<

i actually need to practice dont further convince me that ur brain is the size of ur dick (re: small)<

5:41 p.m

>first of all. im an angel ofc im helping u with ur shit ? ?

>second of all if u wanted to compare my brain to smth small and Really offend me u shoudve just used urself

5:41 p.m

hahahahhahahaahaha! die.<

5:42 p.m

>also i have a juicy story about a certain Kim bring ur small ass ears so u can enjoy listenin.

>on second thought i might have to bring a megaphone so the sound can travel thru ur puny ear canals : ))

5:42 p.m

im sorry didn’t i Just tell u to die<

5:50 p.m

i have a high maintenance ass it cant sit on anything that isn’t plush for this long<

5:52 p.m

>u kno what they say sit down be humble

>srry tho got caught up with tae, ill be there soon

It was now 6 PM.

Jimin didn’t mind Taehyung, really didn’t. The dude seemed nice enough. Jimin just felt this tug in his stomach when Taehyung was apparently enough to make Jungkook completely forget about him. Okay, not forget about him, but that’s what it felt like.

He decided to get changed and start practicing, not knowing when Jungkook would decide to show up. Just as he switched out his normal tank top for a workout tank top, Jungkook burst into the studio, a grin on his face and his easel under his arm.

“You won’t believe how fucking slick I am,” was the first thing he said. Jimin gave him a small smile and plugged his phone into the speakers. He put on a short violin piece he could warm up to. Was he acting petty? Yes. Did he have a good reason? Not really. Was he going to keep acting petty anyways? Absolutely.

“Well, aren’t you going to ask why?” Jungkook’s words were bursting out of him with barely contained energy. He swiftly set up his easel and squeezed out the necessary paints onto his palette.

Jimin stayed focused on the way his leg slid across the floor a little too lazily. It looked sloppy, but Jimin could fix that with time. As he was about to reach the climax of the composition, it abruptly switched to the song he was using for his showcase.

Jimin groaned, “Jungkook! Just let me warm up and then I’ll humour you about Prince Charming.” He watched through the mirror as Jungkook put Jimin’s phone back down and practically skipped over to him. Jungkook smiled when Jimin sighed in defeat and placed his hands on Jungkook’s hips from behind.

“How do you even know the choreo?” Jimin asked suspiciously when Jungkook began moving to the beats. Jimin’s fingers moved up and down Jungkook’s body, tapping rhythmically and eventually landing on Jungkook’s hands.

“I only know some, not all of it. I pay attention when you dance, obviously,” Jungkook pulled Jimin flush against his body by placing his hand on the small of Jimin’s back, he let him lean back and then let go, somehow managing to grab his hands before he fell to the ground. Jimin slid through Jungkook’s legs and stood up, looking at him in disbelief.

“That move was too dangerous for anyone but my partner to do, you moron! What if I got hurt?”

“Calm down, Jimin. I went to your partner and asked for pointers the other day because I knew I’d be practicing with you and I wanted to do it right. That’s why I know the choreo so well, okay? Jesus, stop exposing my ass,” Jimin slapped Jungkook on the arm and turned off the music, ignoring the younger’s cries of pain.

He stood there with his arms crossed and Jungkook stared at him, “What? What did I do this time?”

“Jeon Jungkook, you learned not only my part of the dance but my partner’s part. I don’t even know when you did this! That’s a lot of time spent doing something that’s completely irrelevant for you, you could’ve used that time to, oh I don’t know, study for your exams!” Jimin didn’t know why he was so angry, he just was. Jungkook sputtered for words and in a split second, his face took on more annoyance than confusion.

“Why are you getting so mad? I was trying to help, Jimin!” Jungkook took a step towards Jimin but Jimin held out his hands.

“I don’t want you to help me that much! You… you have no right to!”

“What?”

“You have no right,” Jimin said, his voice tight, “You’re nothing more than a friend, Jungkook. That’s it. You’re not my boyfriend or something that you’d feel the need to go out of your way like this just to help me out. I’m not that important. God, just… just focus on your life and I’ll focus on mine. You’re messing everything up!”

Somewhere along the way, Jimin had started crying. He didn’t want to be this way. It wasn’t fair to either of them, but he didn’t know how to stop. Everything he’d said was true on some level, but who was Jimin really mad at? Because it certainly wasn’t Jungkook.

Despite how hurt Jungkook appeared, he still managed to say in a calm voice, “Jimin, if something’s wrong, we’ll work it out together. Just tell me.”

That was it. That was the moment. Jimin liked Jungkook. A lot. Too much.

“Don’t do that! Oh my god, Jungkook! You’re hurt! I hurt you, why aren’t you yelling at me? Please, just…” Jimin dragged the heel of his palm along his face, choking on his words. Without thinking, he grabbed his phone and bag and moved past Jungkook, out of the studio, not turning to look once despite the younger’s pleas.

Jimin had fucked up, and he couldn’t deal with what that meant right now. When he got back to his dorm, his phone beeped with a notification. Jimin chucked his shoes off and jumped into bed, pulling his phone out of his pocket to check it.

jungkookie

>i asked him to be my chem tutor. that’s what i was gonna tell u. talk to me when ure ready.

Jimin felt like he was going to start crying again. He buried his head in his pillow for a moment and then collected himself, scrolling through his contacts to find someone in particular.

“So yeah, that’s what it is.”

“Min, you can’t be serious.”

“Shut up, Hoseok. It’s not that far-fetched. I don’t think.”

“Yes it is! I mean, the whole you being in love with him-”

“Love is a strong word.”

“-thing is not far-fetched. But the fact that it took you so long to figure it out? I spent all of your stupid high school years listening to you talk about this dude every Monday afternoon and every time I even suggested you might have a crush on him, you shut me down. And now you figure it out?”

“First of all, it’s not my fault that half your dance ‘lessons’ were just us talking. You never let me respond to your ‘how was your day’ with ‘good’, you always wanted to hear everything. So if anything, it’s your fault for being nosy.”

“An unwarranted attack on my teaching style, but okay.”

“Also, I didn’t like him in high school! I really don’t think I did. Something’s changed now. God, I fucked up bad.”

“Yeah, of course something’s changed. Someone’s moving in on your man. And Jimin, stop sniffling, you’re not a moody teenager anymore.”

“I’m upset! And, he’s not my man! In fact, he isn’t even my boy. He’s just. Jungkook.”

“You infuriate me, Min.”

“Really? I think I’m kind of cute.”

“I will hang up right now, find a way to physically reach through phone screens, call you back, and strangle you.”

“Seriously, though. Hoseok. Please. Tell me what to do about this.”

“Jimin, just do what you should’ve done in the first place, tell him how you feel. Any other option over complicates things and before you know it, you guys will be in your 30s and won’t have spoken to each other in years because you were too afraid to admit your feelings but you also couldn’t stand to see him with someone else so you just ran away.”

“Oddly specific.”

“What can I say, I’m an excellent foreshadower.”

“I’m going to take my time. I don’t want to mess up anything between him and Taehyung right now.”

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Right now would be IDEAL to tell him so that you can get it over with before he gets serious with Taehyung.”

“I… you’re right. Sure, yeah, I can do that. Thanks, Hoseok. I’ll call you when I plan on visiting.”

“Of course, Min. I’ll be waiting, as usual. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Jungkook knocked on Jimin’s door, trying not to be too loud. It was the middle of the night, approaching 1:15 AM now. Jimin hadn’t answered any of his texts of calls, and he was beginning to worry. Jimin’s words from earlier hadn’t stopped bouncing around his head. He heard the sound of footsteps coming from inside and instantly stood a little taller. As soon as the door opened, Jungkook lunged to hug Jimin, who nearly toppled over wish so much extra weight on him.

“What the fuck, Jimin,” Jungkook said in Jimin’s ear. His words implied that he was angry but his tone was soft, relieved. “I thought you’d finally drowned yourself in beer of something.”

Jimin pushed Jungkook away and upon seeing his face, Jungkook froze. Jimin’s eyes were bloodshot, his cheeks had chalky streaks running down them and his nose was rubbed raw. His hair was tousled every which way, as if he’d been pulling it over and over again for hours. Which he could’ve been doing, for all Jungkook knew. He looked over Jimin’s shoulders and noticed the bottle of wine situated on the desk.

“Guess I wasn’t far from the truth,” Jungkook said softly. He looked into Jimin’s eyes, “Tell me how to help you.” Jimin sniffed and shook his head, eyes glazed over but a crease forming in between his eyebrows. He stepped away from Jungkook and curled up on his bed. Jungkook drew in a long breath and then moved to shut the door, silently thanking the gods Jimin’s roommate never came back to the dorms before 3 in the morning. He lay down on the mattress beside Jimin and grabbed a hold of his face.

“Tell me. Please, Jimin,” Jungkook’s voice cracked, pained from having to see his best friend like this. In all the years he’d known Jimin, he’d never looked so utterly heartbroken.

“No one. Jungkook, no one’s ever going to – to love me. Isn’t that fucking pathetic? Not you, nuh-not my family, no one.” And Jungkook had definitely heard this before, but never so intensely, never full of such conviction. Still, he felt himself breathe a little easier knowing that nothing absolutely awful had happened to Jimin.

“Jimin, you know that’s not true. You have so many amazing qualities.”

“I’m not a fuck. Fucking scholar luh-like Taehyung,” Jimin said in a small, broken voice. He looked so hurt, so fragile. He looked the way you can only look after being emotionally drained to the bone. “I don’t have nice eyes, or a deep – deep voice.”

Jungkook’s eyes narrowed, when had Taehyung come into the picture? “Jimin, being academically gifted isn’t exactly number one on the ‘qualities I want my boyfriend to have’ list that most people have. You’re absolutely gorgeous, radiant, even. You’ve got these soft eyes, and a cute nose, and full lips. Your voice is light and dreamy and perfect for you because you’ve always been fairy-like. And you’re one hell of a dancer! God, when I see you move on stage it’s like I can see you completely change the atmosphere. You leave a trail of emotion behind you that touches the hearts of everyone in the room. You give the best pep-talks in the world and you have the purest, biggest heart out of anyone I know. You are capable of giving so much love, it only makes sense that you’re constantly inviting it back in. You could get literally anyone in the world.”

Jimin’s eyes sharpened for a fraction of a moment and he stared right at Jungkook. “Anyone?” he whispered.

“Anyone,” Jungkook confirmed. He pulled Jimin into his chest. “Now, go to sleep.”

Jimin mumbled something into his chest and in a few minutes, was fast asleep. Jungkook sighed into the dark and hugged Jimin a little bit closer, a little bit tighter.

“Wake up, Jimin. It’s time for class. Well, your class, not mine.”

“Hnghh. Bwekhfusht.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking, but I can’t today. Seriously, get up. Jimin. Jimin? Park, I dare you to get the fuck up.”

“Urngh muh hehhd.”

“Yeah I left some Advil for that. Listen, if you don’t get up, you’re admitting to being a cheater. Ah, there you go! Just don’t lie back down.”

“UNGHH.”

“Fine, I’m leaving… call me if you need me?”

“Shaddupp.”

“Cool, bye.”

Around 5 PM that day, Jimin finally stopped thinking about all the bad things that could happen if he told Jungkook that he had a little thing for him and decided to just do it. The night before had been a complete disaster. Actually, the whole day had been pretty shitty. Jungkook didn’t deserve that, but in the end, he stayed with Jimin. Jungkook stayed with Jimin.

He needed to tell Jungkook how he felt before Taehyung turned into something more than a crush. Jimin wasn’t sure what brought on this sudden burst of confidence and adrenaline but he knew it wouldn’t last for long so he needed to act while it fueled him.

He grabbed his shoes and raced out of the dorm, intent on telling Jungkook everything.

Drinking to the point of wanting to cry for a week straight had not been Jimin’s intention when he’d pulled out the wine last night. He’d just wanted to relax and empty his mind of any confusing thoughts. Before he knew it, old insecurities began creeping back and he couldn’t take it, he broke down. Jimin often wondered why people said they “drink to forget”. Whenever he drank, he just seemed to revisit the worst memories among the ones he’d naturally forgotten. What a scam.

Jimin was half-way across the field, being poured on by the rain to the point where he couldn’t keep his eyes open, when he literally ran into a familiar body. Jimin fell to the ground and looked across at Jungkook, who was rubbing his head with a grin on his face. He got up, laughing, and extended a hand to Jimin. A shot of energy flowed through his body as Jimin was pulled to his feet, he smiled through the rain and rubbed the part of Jungkook’s head he’d knocked against. Jimin opened his mouth to say something but before he could, Jungkook spoke.

“I love you.”

Jimin stared at him, not quite believing what he’d just heard. It was like all the noise from the downpour had been cut, like the only sounds that mattered were his beating heart and Jungkook’s words. Despite his brain not entirely comprehending the words, a smile began to stretch across his face.

“I love you so much and I know it’s kind of out of the blue, but I just had to tell you. I don’t think being friends is going to work anymore.” Jungkook had an insanely wide grin on his face.

Jimin couldn’t contain how happy he was a laugh bubbled out of him, loud and free. It was oddly appropriate, the confession happening on the field. They’d been here just two nights ago, saying their ‘I love you’s for a completely different reason. Jimin was so caught up in the moment he didn’t feel his hand running through his wet hair, didn’t hear himself clearly until he’d said-

“I love you too.” There. It was as simple as that. And now Jimin was downright giddy.

Jungkook threw his head back as he laughed and then grabbed Jimin’s face in his hands, eyes shining, “Do you think he’ll say that? When I tell him?”

Just as fast as the giddiness came, it disappeared. Jimin’s smile started to fall, the rain was making his vision blurry.

“Who,” Jimin asked, but he knew.

“Taehyung, silly. Who else? Okay, let’s start again. You’re Taehyung and I’m me…”

Jungkook’s words faded into the distance. The downpour that had gone silent suddenly thundered in his ears and Jimin couldn’t hear his own heartbeat but he could feel it. He could feel it slow down and speed up and he wished that eventually, it would stop altogether. Hope was a dangerous thing, Jimin felt like an idiot for inviting it into his life with open arms. He should’ve known better.

“..okay? Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m actually about to fucking tell him this!” Jungkook pulled Jimin into a hug, completely enveloping him.

In that moment, Jimin hugged back. He held onto Jungkook as tight as he could and when they pulled apart, Jimin thought about how lucky it was that it had started to rain.

How lucky it was that Jungkook wouldn’t be able to tell tears apart from raindrops.

Jungkook and Taehyung had hung out all morning under the pretense of studying for Chemistry. Jungkook had come back to his dorm incredibly happy, knowing that whatever it was he had with Taehyung was special. He was pretty sure he was in love. He’d decided to go tell him not 1 hour after they’d gone back to their respective buildings. Jungkook had ran into Jimin and then headed to Taehyung’s place. Jungkook had told Taehyung he loved him. Taehyung had kissed him on the spot.

Jimin knew because Jungkook hadn’t stopped talking about it for an hour.

Now it was Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook. Although, Jimin felt like a third wheel too often so he spent a lot of time in the studio. Jungkook never finished the painting of Jimin, he ended up doing one of Taehyung instead, who remained as charming as ever and became Jimin’s friend despite Jimin not wanting him to. It was hard to dislike Taehyung in any setting, really. The couple came to Jimin’s showcase before final exams started and brought him flowers.

“Just like old times, huh,” Jimin had joked to Taehyung, not much energy in his voice despite feeling like he was on cloud nine, like he usually did after a performance.

Taehyung had smiled with an emotion indistinguishable to Jimin, “Yeah, better times. When I didn’t know Jungkook.”

Jungkook had playfully argued with him about this statement but, for some reason, Jimin had sensed the words had been directed at him more than Jungkook. He’d felt as if Taehyung had looked right into his head and pulled out his ugliest thoughts to display in front of the world. But there was empathy behind the words, and in a twisted sort of way, Jimin had felt like Taehyung understood him better than Jungkook.

Jimin and Jungkook no longer hung out together as much, which was a given. Jimin had to learn to find new friends. He met Yoongi, an aspiring pianist, and spent any time he wasn’t with Jungkook and Taehyung with him. They were from the same town and Jimin had been mortified to hear that Yoongi knew about his family, but it was easy for them to be together. Things seemed to be getting better for Jimin, except they weren’t, obviously.

There was no overnight remedy for heartbreak, or even a one-month remedy. Jimin knew from experience.

On one particularly average day, Jimin got a call that destroyed any thoughts of his own pathetic heartbreak.

Within an hour, he had packed up his things and headed to the train station.

Jungkook and Taehyung scoured the windows for any sign of Jimin. A group of people began boarding the train right in front of Jungkook and he had to use all his patience not to yell at all of them to move it, already!

“Baby,” Taehyung called, “I’ll look down there, you keep looking up ahead, okay?”

Jungkook nodded hastily and moved up the platform. Jimin’s roommate had called him half-an-hour ago, asking him if he knew why Jimin was planning on going back home. According to him, all of Jimin’s stuff had been packed up and the place looked spotless except for a note left on his pillow.

God, he was going to kill Jimin.

Jimin’s face suddenly blurred past him. Jungkook stopped jogging and backtracked, staring at Jimin through the window, who looked exhausted. Jungkook climbed into the closest possible entrance, shoving past a bunch of other people and found Jimin’s booth. He sat down in front of him, trying to stay calm.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jungkook questioned coldly.

“Home. I… my family needs me and, in all honesty, I think I need them too,” Jimin replied in a heavy voice.

“And you were going to tell me when?”

“Jungkook, I had no time, my mother-”

“God Jimin, it’s like we’re not even friends anymore!” Jungkook cried. He stood up and tugged on Jimin’s sleeve. “Come on, you’re not going anywhere. You still… you still have to finish exams! And I still need you here, you can’t just up and leave.”

Jimin pulled his arm away forcefully and looked at Jungkook. His eyebrows were drawn in frustration and his eyes shone with tears, “Jungkook. My mother’s been in an accident. I don’t care if you need me. I’m sorry. I’m going.”

Jungkook’s anger immediately left his face. His muscles relaxed and his eyes softened when he looked at Jimin.

“Jimin… I’m so sorry.” He pulled Jimin up on his feet so he could hug him.

“I want to dare you to stay, but I know you’re going to cheat,” Jungkook murmured into Jimin’s ear.

Jimin melted in Jungkook’s arms, “You’re right this time, little Jeon.”

“I’m right every time, little Park,” Jungkook leaned back from Jimin, arms still caught on his waist. “Promise me I’ll see you again? You’re going home, right? Tell me where that is.”

Jimin didn’t say anything, he twisted one of the rings off his finger and placed it gently into Jungkook’s palm before kissing him on the forehead. Jimin led Jungkook to the open entrance and with a small push, Jungkook ended up on the platform. His face twisted in confusion.

“Jimin, tell me where home is.”

“I dare you to be okay without me,” Jimin called out, fresh tears streaming down his face. The train began to move slowly. Jungkook was panicking now, he held onto one of the handrails and fell into a light jog.

“Jimin! Tell me before you leave. What if I can’t find you again? Please,” Jungkook choked on his words and lost his grip on the rail. He stumbled and tried catching up to Jimin, but the platform was about to end.

“Don’t you dare cheat, Jeon Jungkook,” Jimin called out, he couldn’t help but sob. Jungkook stood on the platform, looking like he’d had his entire world stolen from his. He could’ve told him, it would’ve been easy. But somewhere inside of him, Jimin really didn’t want to. He didn’t want Jungkook to be able to find him.

Jimin caught sight of Taehyung running to Jungkook and coming to a halt when he realized Jimin was nearly gone. Even from a distance, Jimin was still able to see that look in Taehyung’s eyes.

Only later, when Jimin was half-way home, did he realize what that look meant, what it had always meant: regret.

And that was the last time we ever saw that Jimin. Your Daddy cried a lot that day, and ever since then, he’s never taken off that silver ring. Jimin never contacted us again, and we couldn’t find him. He’d come from somewhere else to study at Jungkook’s high school and he’d stayed with a host family. Whenever Jungkook had asked Jimin about his life back home, he’d never answered any of the questions. When we decided to get married, Jungkook tried asking the University or even his high school for information about Park Jimin. But he was never able to find answers.

Getting in the way of Jimin and Jungkook’s relationship is the biggest regret of my life, and I don’t have a lot. Jungkook didn’t know Jimin liked him, and Jimin never told me or Jungkook. But I knew there was something between them, something that could’ve developed into a stronger love than your father and I had for each other.

Today, I trust you with this. Find Jimin. Give Jungkook another shot at happiness. Make him see that there’s always only been Jimin for him, and no one else – not truly.

I love you, Jimin.

Forever and always in your heart,

Taehyung.

Mina wiped away her tears as she stared at the picture paper-clipped to the last page of her Daddy and someone else who was probably Jimin. She folded the papers and pressed them back into the envelope, putting it aside so that she could breathe a little easier. She wasn’t completely sure how she was going to find this Jimin, or even get her Daddy to open up to her about him, but she did know one thing.

Her Daddy deserved a happily ever after, and she was going to be the one to give it to him.

#jikook fanfics #jikook fanfiction #jikook #kookmin #kookmin fics #kookmin fanfics #kookmin fanfiction #jikook fics

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dippedanddripped · 5 years

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“I’M SO OFF MY TITS ON COFFEE,” Stella McCartney admits, knocking back yet another cup in the foyer of a boutique hotel a stone’s throw from her home in London’s Notting Hill. “I had four school drop-offs this morning,” she explains. “I start at 6:30 a.m., and by the time I get to work [by bicycle], I feel like I’m literally done for the day. I’m a big hot sweaty mess, too,” she adds, having decided that a thick organic-cotton flying suit (no pesticides used in its production) was the way to dress for a Monday morning that started grimly overcast but soon turned sultry. “It’s just so difficult being in fashion, isn’t it?” McCartney sighs. “We have to pretend to be so perfect. I’m the one that comes in with a punk-rock kind of ‘fuck this perfection,’ ” says the woman who famously turned up, with Liv Tyler, to the Costume Institute’s 1999 “Rock Style” exhibition, both wearing jeans and custom T-shirts spelling out ROCK ROYALTY. “It’s not maintainable, it’s not wise, and it’s very old-fashioned. So there you go.”

McCartney does the school run five days a week with daughters Bailey, 13, and Reiley, 9, and sons Miller, 14, and Beckett, 11. “When you’ve got a job and you’ve got kids,” she says, “it’s when you get to see them, and you have to wake up super early and engage in that moment. Then I try and squeeze in some exercise, and then I go to work. And I try and get back for the bookending of being a mum.”

On weekends, McCartney spends more time with the family when they decamp to an estate in the wilds of unfashionable north Gloucestershire, the result of a house hunt born, as McCartney has explained, of “a desperate mission to find land so that I could ride my horse.”

McCartney married the dashing and protective Alasdhair Willis—the former publisher of Wallpaper and a creative guru himself—in the fall of 2003, and their aligned aesthetic passions run the gamut from the innovative indoor-outdoor architecture of the midcentury Sri Lankan architect Sir Geoffrey Bawa to old English roses. Over the past 15 years, the couple have transformed their handsome but once desolate Georgian manor house, sitting in bleak open farmland, into “a redbrick box within a garden within a garden within a garden,” as McCartney describes it, a breathtaking landscape of grand walled enclosures and allées of trees reflecting both her belief that “being out in a beautiful garden is nicer than sitting in a beautiful room” and her husband’s passion for such stately English flowering landscapes as Hidcote and Sissinghurst. “We planted a million trees,” McCartney told Vogue in 2010, “made another Eden.”

“You know what I was doing this weekend?” asks McCartney. “I was riding my horse barefoot and bareback, with my daughter [Reiley]. It was about as good as it gets.”

On a visit there in 2010 I was intrigued to discover—among the bridle paths, wild meadows, orchards, and Downton-scaled rose gardens and herbaceous borders—a series of reed-filled ponds that turned out to be the McCartney-Willises’ off-the-grid sewage system. “See?” says McCartney with her impish laugh. “Being an environmentalist can be sexy!”

McCartney has been environmentally conscious since childhood. “I was privileged,” she has admitted. “I grew up on an organic farm; I saw the seasons. My parents were vegetarians—they were change agents.” (That childhood idyll is evoked in her late mother, Linda McCartney’s, book The Polaroid Diaries, which also captures the world of McCartney’s American relatives, including her Eastman grandfather, who lunched at the exclusive Maidstone Club and hung de Koonings and Rothkos in his Billy Baldwin–decorated Fifth Avenue drawing room, where the infant McCartney amused herself with Joseph Cornell’s magical shadow boxes, alluringly placed on a child’s-height shelf.)

The great outdoors is also reflected in McCartney’s state-of-the-sustainable-arts London flagship store—which she designed herself, with a soundtrack that includes a three-hour loop of her father, Paul’s, demo tapes along with a Bob Roth meditation in the changing rooms. “The audio is important for me,” she says as she proudly walks me round it, “because it’s obviously such a big part of my upbringing.” There are papier-mâché walls made from “all of the shredded paper from the office,” along with a silver birch grove and a moss-covered rockery of giant granite rocks brought from the 1,100-acre McCartney family farm on Scotland’s Mull of Kintyre. “My personality is this sort of contrast between the hard and the soft, the masculine and feminine,” says McCartney. “I wanted to have life in the store—to bring nature into the experience of shopping,” she explains as she takes me up in the Stellevator to the floor where she fitted the Duchess of Sussex for the glamorous halter-neck dress she wore for the wedding reception following her marriage to Prince Harry. There are also pieces from McCartney’s “All Together Now” Beatles collaboration, inspired by a friends-and-family screening of Yellow Submarine that her father staged on the film’s 50th anniversary. “It just blew my brains because I hadn’t seen it since I was a kid,” she recalls. “It’s astonishing—just mental and so trippy and so childlike and so innocent and so heavy and so meaningful.”

Since McCartney’s 1995 Central Saint Martins graduation show, her brand has been defined by the urgent desire to do away with animal cruelty in the fashion industry. And while, 20 years ago, there were fake furs on the market, the only glues available were animal-based. “I imagine Vikings sitting around a pot, boiling down the last bones of the elk that they skinned for the fur,” says McCartney. “And I think, Wow—we’re still there.” Today McCartney uses renewable energy where it’s available for both her stores and offices; the eyewear she shows me in her store is bi-acetate, and her sneakers are made with biodegradable Loop technology; she uses regenerated nylon, polyester, and cashmere but also works with producers making innovative fashion fibers—building fake fur from sustainable corn fiber, for instance, producing vegan microsilk, and growing mycelium-based “leather.”

“I was always a bit of a freak in the house of fashion,” McCartney says. “My regime, my culture, has been different from day one.” In Paris, where she was appointed creative director of Chloé in 1997, she struggled with the perception that at 26 she was too young and unqualified for the job (“The Beatles wrote Sgt. Pepper when they were 26,” she told Vogue tartly), and her working practice was “totally at odds with the rest of the industry,” as she recalls. Even now, she says, “every single day in our office is this sort of daily challenge—a way of trying to perfect and persist and find realistic solutions within the luxury-fashion sector—and even in a more broadstream way with the collaborations with Adidas [initiated in 2004]. Each day,” she says, “there are questions that I ask that we try to find an answer for. And if we can’t, we’ll try again tomorrow.”

Despite what she refers to as “a lot of resistance,” McCartney turned the Chloé gig (which lasted through the launch of her self-titled brand in 2001) into a triumph, tripling sales. Today, as we march inexorably to global Armageddon, her commitment to cruelty-free fashion and sustainability is fast becoming the industry norm. In recent years, for instance, luxury brands including Gucci, Prada, Michael Kors, Armani, and Chanel have declared themselves fur-free. “I’m hugely relieved,” says McCartney, “but I’m actually astounded that it’s taken so long.”

McCartney now gives scholarships at Central Saint Martins, her alma mater, for students who “adhere to our ethical charter,” and helps young designers navigate the complicated terrain of sustainability. “We’re in the farming industry in fashion,” she says. “We look at the biodiversity and the soil. It’s crazy. It’s basically exhausting. It’s much easier not to do it. So I kind of understand why the world hasn’t quite followed.”

BUT McCartney has far more ambitious goals for expanding her global industry reach. Last year, she bought back full ownership of her label from Kering, 17 years after the group’s then–creative director Tom Ford had urged the company to invest in McCartney’s fledgling brand. Following her move, “people began to show an interest quite quickly,” as McCartney recalls. “I was fortunate enough that Mr. Arnault was one of the people.” She’s speaking, of course, of Bernard Arnault, the all-powerful chairman and chief executive of LVMH, which acquired a minority share in Stella McCartney in July. “I think it’s incredibly exciting. It sends a big, big message to the industry if Mr. Arnault is asking me to be his personal adviser on sustainability at LVMH. I think that was one of the attractions for me—it is a big, timely statement, and hopefully game-changing for all of us.”

McCartney points out that the fashion brands with the biggest environmental impact in terms of scale are “the high-end luxury houses, and then the fast-fashion sector. They have massive impact in a negative way, and they can have a massive impact in a positive way.” These fast-fashion retailers, as she observes, turned from fur far earlier than luxury brands. “They’re more in touch with the youth,” she says, “and what the next generation of consumers actually wants. It’s a given for my children,” she notes, “that you have to show some kind of mindfulness or awareness.” (In recognition of the next generation’s activists, McCartney has launched the Stella McCartney Today for Tomorrow Award—video nominations via Instagram—“to celebrate,” as she says, “a new generation of change agents and eco-warriors under 25 who are kicking ass for Mother Earth.”)

She may have her work cut out for her. A week after our coffee klatch and four days before presenting her spring-summer 2020 show in Paris (“our most sustainable collection ever”), Arnault, addressing an LVMH sustainability event in Paris, called out 16-year-old activist Greta Thunberg for “indulging in an absolute catastrophism about the evolution of the world” in her electrifying appearance at the United Nations summit on climate change. “I find it demoralizing,” he added. It was perhaps no accident that McCartney raced to put together a sustainability panel (no questions, no photographs) of her own on the eve of her show at the Opéra Garnier—a panel that included Extinction Rebellion activist Clare Farrell, the legendary environmentalist and activist Yann Arthus-Bertrand, and author Dana Thomas (Fashionopolis: The Price of Fast Fashion and the Future of Clothes), who noted that “we wear our clothes seven times on average before throwing them away . . . we’re perpetuating this bulimia of buying, using, and throwing away.”

“What we’ve seen over the last few weeks and months,” McCartney said, pointedly, “is children and young people taking action.” The designer also addressed the issue of young activists’ rejecting the idea of consumerism. “If the youth of today stop buying into it,” McCartney added, “then obviously, the people at the top have got to deliver on that.”

Rayon, or viscose, an indispensable fashion fiber, for instance, is created from wood pulp. “This year alone,” McCartney says, “up to 150 million trees have been cut down just for viscose.” McCartney now sources hers from sustainable forests in Sweden. “I’m trying to create something that’s still sexy and desirable and luxurious that isn’t landfill,” she tells me. “Every single second, fast fashion is landfill.”

Does McCartney feel that she’s had an impact on the practices of other brands? “That’s not for me to say,” she demurs. “That would be so unchic of us. But we are a kind of incubator. I have sympathy for how hard it is to shift the massive Titanic ship away from the iceberg,” she says. “We’re a little agile sailboat, and we built the ship. And I think that’s easier than changing something that’s been going in one direction for so long.”

While she was at Kering, the company developed an environmental profit-and-loss tool that assigned a monetary value to environmental impact—something that led to McCartney’s decision (to give just one example) to stop the use of virgin cashmere, a material with 100 times the environmental impact of wool. (It takes four goats to make enough cashmere for a single sweater, resulting in a need for grazing land that has destroyed the steppes of Mongolia and led to desertification and sandstorms in northern China.) Her label now uses regenerated cashmere, made from factory scraps that are shredded and respun into new yarn, and focuses on alpaca (“a much more friendly material”) and traceable wool (four sweaters from one sheep).

McCartney also holds an annual forum for all of her suppliers to talk with them about what her company requires and to share information on recent advances. “A lot of people see change as something scary,” she says, “but the mills are interested in working with innovators.

“I think that in a sense we’re a project,” she adds. “We’re trying to prove that this is a viable way to do business in our industry—and that you don’t have to sacrifice any style or any edginess or coolness in order to work this way. At the end of the day,” she says, “we’re a fashion house trying to deliver on the promise of desirability. Without that, I can’t even have this conversation. So I have to try and find a healthy balance—and doing both jobs is a balance. It’s the same as being a mum. My other ‘family’ is work. And I have to find the balance between this conversation of fashion and the conversation of consciousness—and they have to complement each other.”

#stella mccartney #fashion blog #conscience fashion

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panickypansexual · 5 years

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Charactober: Day 5

I think Serval would like rainy days. Especially if she had a nice rain coat that covered her huge cat ears. Thus I drew her with one. And an umbrella that looks weirdly leaflike.

We’ll pretend that’s what I meant to have happen. It does look kind of cool, though! Ooh, also, I’m catching up on inking #7. I was going to publish it today, but it looks like I’ll need to wait for the ink to dry a bit longer. UPDATE: Forgot #6 existed. Oops. Will be inking #6 too I guess.

I’ll work on #8 tonight too, so I can hopefully publish them both tomorrow. That’s the plan, at least. Being a day behind is not super ideal. I just like to make my pieces nicer looking after I’vem met each day’s deadline, especially if I don’t have the energy to sketch a lot.

<<< Day 4 or >>> Day 6

#charactober #inktober #inktober 2019 #inktober day 5 #Panic does art

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your-modern-shakespeare · 6 years

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A Little Too Real (14)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 4.5, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 7.5, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 10.5, Part 11, Part 11.5, Part 12, Part 13

Summary: RealityTV!AU- You are a wardrobe supervisor for a popular TV network. The show is planning a reality TV show like the bachelor and Bucky is the newest contestant. But as the competition starts he realizes that he doesn’t like any of the girls…on the show anyway.

Pairing : Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 8090

A/N: Well...this is it guys! The very last chapter of A Little too Real. There WILL be an epilogue but I am so sad to see this one go. I want to say a big thank you to everyone who has read and loved this story and I hope you guys stick around to see what I have planned next. I love you guys and enjoy!

P.S. There is a lot of theatre Wardrobe lingo in this chapter, sop if you get confused or have no idea what I’m talking about HERE is a guide that explains everything

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, Kissing, Fluff,

Y/N’S POV

My flight landed around 1 am and because it was so late and I had no way to get into my apartment until at least tomorrow, I checked into a hotel. I opened the room to a big king size bed and dropped my bags on the floor before collapsing on the bed. I didn’t bother to get changed or anything that involved me getting off the bed, I kicked off my shoes and climbed under the covers. I didn’t have the energy to do much else at this point, so falling asleep was easy.

When the morning came and my alarm went off, I begrudgingly rolled out of bed and got ready for the day. I had two four hour calls with one hour long lunch, which meant that my first call was at nine and still too early considering how little sleep I got last night.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep, believe me I was, but the guilt of leaving and the rampant thoughts of Bucky kept me from sleeping peacefully and woke me quite frequently. And of course the time difference kind of messed with my head.

But I showered, getting the airplane grim off of me, and did a little bit of makeup, wanting to look a little nice for my first day. I also chose something a little nicer to wear, but still comfortable enough to do all of my work.

According to the Assistant Costume Designer the first fitting for the day started at 9 am which was also the start of my call, unfortunately. So I left my hotel, got in a cab and made it to theatre 30 minutes earlier than the call time, wanting to have a chance to set up the fitting and get a lay of the theatre beforehand.

Once I got to the theatre I walked around the building until I found the stage door which was already open. Going inside I found one of the security guards who gave me my pass and key card for the theatre and was even nice enough to show me down to the wardrobe room, which he also unlocked for me. Inside the wardrobe room were racks upon racks of clothing and on the table, meant to be my workspace, was a stack of paperwork and keys to the wardrobe room, I was guessing. I grabbed the key off the desk first and grabbed the Roscosmos keychain that Bucky had bought for me, placing the key on the ring before putting it in my bag, where I couldn’t lose it. Then I started to go through the racks of clothing, opting to fill out paperwork after the fittings.

Not only were these costumes absolutely stunning with the different brocades and laces but also being in the Renaissance fashion made them so much more outstanding. So, knowing that Leah would be the first girl in today, I went ahead and pulled her costumes and put them on the rack inside the fitting room. I also found my notepad for notes and put things out on the table, just in case we would need them, like safety pins, straight pins, measuring tapes, and a few other things that we probably wouldn’t need but I put out anyway. Hopefully we wouldn’t need too much since these were final fittings.

So then it just became a waiting game. I was hoping that the assistant would get there before the actress did but sometimes it just depended on the person. From what I had heard I had gotten a good assistant to work with, so despite me always wanting to be early, I’m sure she would be on time for the fitting.

When I had finished setting up the fitting room, even pulling the next two sets of fittings and setting them closer to the fitting room, I decided to walk around the theatre, get a lay of the land. Depending on the show, the union status, and touring company, how nice the rehearsal space tended to vary. For instance, the first tour I ever worked was a small show with only about 14 performers, it was non-equity, and the touring company couldn’t afford to fly us anywhere so we were on a bus, which meant we were in a rather small theatre for the two months of rehearsals, fittings, and tech. With this show, where there were 22 performers, where this new tour was equity, and where we got hotels and flights, we got a much bigger theatre with space and organization and the ability to do a really good job setting up this tour.

So I wandered around looking at this beautiful theatre, wondering about what shows had played there, meeting a few people along the way, and eventually circled back to the Wardrobe room before 9:00 came around. I walked into the room, seeing someone looking at the clothing on the rack outside the fitting room, the ones for the two later fittings.

“They’re absolutely beautiful.” I said, grabbing her attention.

“Gregg doesn’t do anything but beautiful.”

“No he doesn’t. You must be Nakia.”

“And you must be Y/N. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too.” I reached out and shook her hand and then we turned back to the costumes.

“Well, I guess let me get you caught up on what I’ve done so far before the first actress gets here.”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

“So first, we have two four hour calls today, one for the three fittings and the second for the crew watch. I’ve gone ahead and started the paperwork for the costumes that have already been fitted, made the piecelists and hopefully after the run tonight I can start on the tracking. I also want to start an extra list for this next round of fittings so that we can start buying skins and of course I’ll go back to the actors who’ve already been fitted and ask them what they’ll want. I’ll make a list and have the shopper go pick up those items and extras for our gondola backstock. And I’m not sure if you know or not, but I already sent an email to Gregg asking him if he was using Broadway costumes for swings, since we had one drop out last minute.”

“Yeah, he handed me a stack of costumes this morning, they’re in my car.”

“Great, she’s our third fitting so, if you want I could go and grab them and bring them in?”

“Oh no, I have someone whose helping me out for the day, he’ll bring them in in a bit.”

“Okay. Other than that, the run through starts after the lunch break. You can sit in the house and make note of anything you see and I’m going to be backstage walking through the old supervisor notes and talking to the actors about what they think they’ll need for their quick changes and whether or not anything needs to change.”

“You’re not going to watch the show?”

“I’m going to be on the road with this tour for over a year, I think I’ll know the show front and back in no time.”

So the two of us started going over some of the other fittings from before, still waiting for our first actress to come in. We got to about 9:15 when I started thinking that she wasn’t coming.

“You know, in my experience, I’ve never had anyone show up this late to a fitting before.”

“Oh...did I tell you 9?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry I meant 10. I must have been thinking 9 because we get done at 1 and a four hour call starts at 9. Leah won’t be here until 10 though.”

“Okay, well there’s plenty of stuff to do until she gets here and I’m hoping your assistant will get here before she will.”

“He should be here any second.”

“Well before he gets here I’m going to grab the rest of those shoes. I just got them back from the shop and now that they’re painted the color that Gregg wanted, we can order shoe paint too. It’s as if everything is coming together.”

“Yeah as if.” We both laughed.

So I went to the back of the room and grabbed as many boxes of shoes as I could, kind of like a juggling act, knowing either way that I would have to take a second trip. I set the boxes down outside the fitting room, on the ground below the costumes, grabbing Nakia’s attention while I put them in the correct order.

“Hey, did we ever get those other LaDucas in?”

“I couldn’t tell you the first thing about any LaDucas.”

That voice made the whole world stop and the only thing I could hear was the erratic beat of my heart. I wasn’t sure when I was going to see him again, I knew I would but I didn’t think it would be today.

I slowly stood from my crouched position and turned to face him, for a brief second wondering if I had just imagined the voice as him.

He stood there looking as handsome as ever in a tuxedo, the nicest one I had seen him in to date, and yet he looked absolutely exhausted and like he hadn’t slept in a while.

“Bucky...what are you doing here?”

“Well Nakia asked me to bring in those costumes.” He gestured to some costumes wrapped in plastic hanging up on the rack next to the other costumes for the fittings.

“I meant what are you doing in New York?”

“I came to be with you.”

“You flew out here—“

“To be with you and to do this.” He stepped forward and placed his hands on either side of my face, pulling me to him and, finally, kissing me. I relished in his kiss, sinking into his embrace, enjoying the moment...even if it was only for a moment.

I pulled away from him but not too far from his embrace. “You know, just because you show up at my work and sweep me off my feet, doesn’t mean I’m going to quit.”

“I know.” And again with the kiss...God, his lips...

And yet I pulled away from him again, my breath starting to get a little labored. “And this kiss doesn’t fix everything.” But God did I wish it could. And because it didn’t, I just wanted to be clear with him, despite the fact that he was doing a pretty good job of clouding all rational thought. It was just...when he kissed me it made me feel like I had before, all the times we had spent together before it all blew up in our faces. It was as if every time he brought his lips back to mine, there was something that reminded me of every reason I loved him.

“I know.” Kissing me again, he held me longer this time not letting me out of his grasp too quickly but letting me pull away anyway.

“There’s a lot that we need to talk about before things can go back to normal, a lot that I’m still confused about.”

“I know.” This time when he kissed me, he moved his arms around my waist, pulling me even closer to him. This time I lingered a little longer with him, pulling away what seemed like forever later, when I was able to think of something else to say.

“And—“

“I love you.” He interrupted.

“You love me?”

“I love you so much, I have loved you since the second I saw you in that interview. I loved you every time you sassed me, I loved you every time you smiled or laughed, I loved you when you hated me, and I’ve loved you every second in-between. I know that there’s a lot that I need make up for and a lot that I have to explain but I would spend a lifetime getting in your good graces again if it meant that I got to be with you.”

“You love me?” He smiled and let out a laugh.

“Is that all you heard?” I tried to say something to him, anything but the shock of hearing those words said to me by him, made things very hard to comprehend. I mean I had heard what he said, all of it, but in my head it was as if there was absolutely nothing there, nothing but those words. “I’ll say it a million more times, if it will convince you of how much I love you.” He moved his hands back up to hold my face. “Because I do, I love you, I love you, I love you and I’ll never stop loving you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I love you too...I have for a while.”

“That is the most heavenly thing I have ever heard you say.” He had this huge smile on his face and I couldn’t help but smile back at him. And this time when we kissed it felt different, I had pushed all the doubts and fears aside for one blissful moment. “Say it again?” He asked when he pulled away.

“I love you.”

“I will never get tired of hearing that and I love you too.”

“Bucky—”

“Don’t say anything yet. I know that you probably have a lot going through your mind right now, but if you’re willing, just stick with me a little while longer.”

“Don’t think for a second that I would give up so easily. What we have is worth a lot more than one mistake and two weeks without seeing each other.”

“I’m really glad to hear that. And I know that you’re about to have some fittings, but I would love to take you out for lunch...and maybe explain some things.”

“Anything with food is a win for me.”

“I see how I rank.” I laughed at him and moved out of his embrace for the first time since he walked in.

“So what are you going to do for the next three hours?”

“Well I was thinking about getting a room in a hotel nearby, take a nap, shower, change.”

“I was about to ask where you were taking me for lunch, you know, considering the fact that you’re wearing a tuxedo.”

“Yeah…” He laughed a bit at his outfit, “I picked it out for you, but then you didn’t come to filming so of course I had to wear it here. And despite the romantic that makes me out to be I do have to admit that I came straight here so I didn’t really think about changing. I really just kind of took advantage of the circumstance.”

This time I laughed at him, this was definitely the man that I loved. “Well, I like it a lot and I love a good romantic gesture. But to give you as much time as possible, you are more than welcome to go to my hotel room and do whatever you need to. I will say though, I need you to be back to the theatre by 1:00 if we’re going to get as much time as possible for lunch.”

“That I think I can do.”

“Good, so go get a nap in because you look exhausted.”

“Thanks.”

“Your welcome.”

I grabbed my bag and gave him my room key before he left. Nakia came back in and had this smile on her face, I didn’t say anything to her about it, I just spent the time I had left getting ready for the fittings.

And as fittings usually go, there wasn’t much to say. The three girls who came in today were incredibly nice and took the hour they were allotted to ask questions and to try on their looks for the show. Nakia explained when they would be wearing certain costumes and I made sure to take note of anything that I would need, as well as everything that still needed to be done. The only thing that didn’t settle when I saw Bucky for the first time, was how real the fittings made this feel. I was leaving LA, I was leaving my friends and the worst of all was that I was leaving Bucky. I knew that these three would always be there, but the idea of getting on the road and living out my dream made me torn inside.

I had taken this job because I thought I was alone, that I could head out and be completely fine, cut myself off from the world and from everyone who had ever left me or done wrong by me. But being with Bucky, no matter how fake the show had been, made my whole world better. He made me want to be happy, he made me push myself, and he gave me everything I had ever dreamed of, even if he didn’t realize it.

Before the third fitting was done, having luckily caught Bucky before he left the hotel, I texted him and asked if we could just order lunch from room service and stay in. Of course he was on board with that, but I just didn’t want to have a conversation like this in public. The short walk back to the hotel gave me the confidence to say exactly what I planned to, running everything in my head before stepping into the lobby.

I took the elevator up to the room and knocked on the door, waiting only a couple of seconds for him to open.

“Hey.” He said, already looking a lot better after a nap and shower, I could only assume. He was simply wearing jeans and a henley, but it was the way that the henley hugged his muscles that distracted me from what he had just said, my mind completely dropping all of the preparations I had just done moments ago.

He stepped out of the way to let me into the room, still looking at me for some kind of response. “Hi.” I managed to get out as he closed the door behind me and took my things from me. I watched as he did, having to remind myself, after the three hour break from each other, that he was actually here.

“See something you like?” He asked, when I hadn’t torn my gaze away from him. He just smiled at me, making his way back over to me.

“You.” I said, feeling relief at the fact that I didn’t need to hide what I felt for him anymore. I could so simply say that I liked him, so simply gawk at how handsome he was, it was a nice feeling.

“Me?”

“Who else would I look at?” Now standing in front of me he leaned down and kissed me, wrapping his arms around my waist and really distracting me from the actual objective of this lunch.

I pulled away. “Bucky…” Even though I was smiling, I tried to give him a serious look, letting him know that I meant business.

“What? It was your fault.”

“My fault?”

“Don’t start something you don’t have time to finish.”

“Me?”

“Yes you, you were the one watching me...thinking about me.”

“You were the one who put on the tightest shirt you owned.”

“I see how it is.”

“Bucky…”

“I’m kidding. But it is noted that you like my shirt.” He winked at me and gave me one of those heart stopping smiles.

“Let’s order lunch before you get me into any more trouble.”

So we climbed up on the bed and grabbed the menu, quickly ordering before things got serious.

“So…” He started.

“So…”

“I definitely owe you an explanation.” The happy look on his face had completely disappeared.

“You know that this isn’t going to change the way that I feel about you.”

“I just don’t want you to be upset again.”

“Believe it or not, I think that putting what happened behind me is the best thing I can do right now.”

“Really?”

“I would like to know what happened though.”

“Okay...the morning after our date, I woke up before you did so that I could make you breakfast. Honestly, the best part of that morning was just how beautiful you looked, how peaceful you were, and just remembering everything about that night, how wonderful it all was. I went downstairs to the kitchen and right as I got there, my phone went off. I kind of figured it was someone from the network so I didn’t answer at first, figuring I could deal with them when I got back, but they kept calling. So I finally answered.

“It was a representative from the legal department and...and they told me that they knew that we were seeing each other and that they had proof. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but they obviously had video from the kiss in the wardrobe trailer. At first I tried to dispute it, but he kept going on about how it was in violation of your contract to date a coworker. Initially I thought that it would be an easy fix, that we would just have to keep us under wraps while at work. It was when he started talking about Jackson that I realized that this was a real problem.

“He told me that there had been some legal issues right after they arrested him. His lawyer tried to get him released on the grounds that I had assaulted him, that the whole thing had just been a misunderstanding between the two of us. Of course Asa fixed everything, but because I had punched him at work on network property, it was the network’s responsibility to protect me. So there’s the first strike against us.”

“The first?”

“The second one being all the time off you had. With your accident, you not being able to work and there only being the two of you, they had to start paying Wanda overtime for all the extra hours she was coming in. Not to mention they were still paying you because it was an accident you had no control over.”

“Please tell me that that’s it.”

“No...this one is my fault again. The thing with Chloe kind of blew up. First of all the ambulance and medical costs automatically went to the network because you were injured by a coworker on network property. They had planned on suing Chloe at first because she was the one at fault and there were a ton of witnesses that saw what happened. But her lawyer was counter suing because there was a grey area when it came to whether or not you were actually still working for the network or if your paid leave meant that you werent. Then there was the question on whether she actually did anything to you that harmed you or if it was all because you were sick before you came in that morning.”

“God, what a mess.”

“A very big legal mess and really a lot to keep from you, especially after having always told you everything. I understand that you would be upset.”

“I’m more upset that I was kept out of this, not really the fact that you didn’t tell me. I can understand a gag order and the reasons for upholding that. But you shouldn’t have had to handle that on your own.”

“Strangely enough, there were actually three gag orders.”

“Three?”

“Anything legal that happened with the network was heavily protected because they didn’t want any news outlets to get word of all the legal issues that they had with this show. The first gag order came from Jackson’s lawsuit, the second from Chloe’s, and the third from ours.”

“Ours?”

“More or less. The thing with Jackson was my fault, kicking Chloe off the show was my fault—”

“None of this is your fault.”

“I have to take some, that’s kind of why it’s ours and not just yours. That morning, I had to think quick and I obviously made a decision that wasn’t ideal. But after everything that he told me, after everything that you just went through, I couldn’t let the network take what your father had left for you. I had an inkling of what I had to do but I didn’t want to get to that point, so I called a different lawyer, not wanting to take Peggy away from you, and got a professional opinion.

“He told me that the only way for this to go away was to take away the only thing that they had on us, which was the idea that the reason I did what I did, was for you. And the only way I could think of doing that was to make you really mad at me, so that you wouldn’t talk to me. But he also said that there was no other option than to pick someone on the show and finish the contract.”

“I was going to ask you about that.”

“I chose Ulani.”

“I thought you would.”

“Well her girlfriend was very understanding so that was nice.”

“What?” I was completely shocked. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. Ulani actually came to me and told me all about Diana and how they were in the exact same situation as we were, she wanted to help out. It was also nice to have someone to talk to about everything, well what I could talk about, but it was also nice because I knew that she wasn’t trying to be with me.”

“Wait, Diana...from props?”

“Yeah.”

“I would have never thought. When you said that you chose Ulani I felt a little jealous, but I’m really happy to hear that she’s happy with someone else. Not to mention, Diana is a total sweetheart.”

“You’re cute when you’re jealous.” He leaned over and kissed me quickly. “But no need to worry, because I choose you and I’m always going to choose you. I think the question is...are you going to choose me too?”

“Bucky, like I said before I’m not that upset anymore. The truth is I want to be with you, you’ve made me happier than anyone I’ve ever dated and honestly I can’t imagine my life without you. This...us, was always a little too real. In that world of fake words and plastic personalities, I couldn’t even begin to believe that I had met someone as incredible as you. It’s why I never said anything to you, I felt like we were stuck in a fantasy and that at any moment I would wake up and my reality would be without you. I should have known better because you are the most real thing I’ve ever had. But the fantasy is over and this is the real world...and you’re here.”

“I’m here for good.”

“But there are things to consider, things that change things, very real things.”

“No matter what ‘things’ you have going through that head of yours, I’m still not going anywhere.”

“But—“

“What are you thinking about?”

“A lot.”

“Give me one.”

“Well...the biggest one, my job. I may have taken this job when I was sad and not in the right headspace, but this is my life and I’m about to go on tour for more than a year. I hate to even think about it, but every relationship I have ever had has fallen apart under the pressure and quite frankly the distance, including mine with you. I mean, no matter what I did or how much I loved someone... they still left. If you left again...I love you so much that I don’t think I would make it through again.” I was starting to get really emotional.

“I’m here for every bump and curve, for every good moment and bad. What can I do to convince you that I’m not going anywhere?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know the first thing about a normal relationship. I don’t know how to quiet this anxiety and worry running through my head and I’m scared that I’ll do something to mess everything up.”

“Nothing you could do would ever scare me away. It was absolutely amazing to have you so close to me these past couple of months, a dream really. We’ve gone through more together as friends than most couples ever have to deal with and we were by each other’s side the whole time, disregarding the legal stuff. Our relationship is the most real thing I have ever experienced and transitioning into something more will come with its challenges. But just because we aren’t close to each other doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or want to be near you every second of every day. Just because we’ve been through some of the toughest things doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t go through more or even less with you. You are my everything...and you don’t give that up once you find it.”

“Really?”

“Really. I know it may be tough sometimes and we’ll figure things out as we go but I can’t imagine doing it with anyone else.”

“Me either.”

This time when he kissed me there was a relief that hadn’t been there before. No, we didn’t have everything figured out and we didn’t know the answers to every question we had but for the first time none of that seemed to matter, the fact that we loved each other was enough. And that was enough to push the doubts away.

“So I have a proposal then.” I said between kisses.

“Did you get me a ring?” He smiled at me and I laughed at him. “I’m kidding. What’s your proposal?”

“Can we just...start over...in a sense?”

“What do you mean?”

“You were my best friend for months and even though we were fighting our feelings for each other, there was something so pure between us. I feel like lately all we’ve had are awkward conversations and the occasional small talk. I never wanted us to get there, I don’t want anything between us to be awkward or tense, we’ve never been that way before.”

“I don’t want to be that way either.”

“Good. But the reason I ask is because of something my dad said. I’ve been thinking about him a lot and…” I paused, trying my best to keep my emotions at bay; he placed his hand on mine, giving me a small but great comfort. “The call that he had made to me, that day of our kiss in the trailer, I asked him about you after you left. He told me that only some people are lucky enough to find the person that they will spend the rest of their life with and honestly I think I got really lucky with you.”

“You got lucky with me? No, I got lucky with you, I never thought that you would love me.”

“Well, I do. And I want to put these last two weeks behind us and I want to have a first date where you’re not forced to disappear in the morning. I want to start fresh on the boyfriend/girlfriend front, so we don’t have to think about what happened.”

“Okay.”

“But that means that you have to come up with an even better first date.”

“Challenge accepted...I’ve got all of New York for ideas.”

“I’m off Monday.” I moved closer to him on the bed.

“Perfect.” His face, his lips moved even closer...

“I love you.”

“I love you.” And our kiss, was one of a new beginning.

****

BUCKY’S POV

I thought that I was going to have a harder time trying to convince Y/N that I hadn’t completely screwed up. I had already been feeling terrible about everything, doubting if she was ever going to give me a chance again, but getting what happened out in the open seemed to really help things. There was time to figure out the logistics of our relationship, there was time to get answers and time to fix the doubts; that would come with loving each other and diving head first into an actual relationship with Y/N. She had given me a second chance and that’s all I could have asked for. I would spend a lifetime making up to her these past two weeks, but lucky for me it seemed like that was already moving to the past.

So with the conversation done for the moment, and everything seemingly good between us, we ate our lunch, made some small talk, and she got ready to head back to work. Which meant that I needed to find something to do for the next four hours.

“I don’t suppose that you would want to come with me? We’re just watching the show and then there will be a production meeting afterwards. You can’t come to that but I’m sure I could sneak you in for the show.”

Or maybe not.

“Yeah I would love to go.”

So we headed back to the theatre and met up with Nakia before heading into the “house” as they call it. We sat in the middle of the orchestra level and Y/N grabbed a notepad, pen, and a huge stack of notes. Nakia had her laptop, a walkie talkie and her own huge stack of notes.

We didn’t have to wait long for them to start the show, they didn’t want to waste any time, seeing as, according to Y/N, the show was two and a half hours long. The opening number started and the cast came out on stage in there street clothes and though it was underwhelming without the spectacle of costumes and whatnot, they started out strong and sounded great. But let me tell you, for a crew watch there sure was a lot of talking.

It seemed like Nakia and Y/N had something to talk about every time someone walked on or off stage, which was frequent. Not only that but there was a tech table, as Y/N had explained earlier, that was constantly calling cues and talking about something that needed to be fixed. So if I was going to have to listen to people talk amongst the singing I opted to listen to Y/N, at least that way I would be learning something new about her job.

And tuning in, I definitely had a lot to learn. The lingo was the biggest thing, there were a lot of things I’m sure that didn’t get used outside of a theatre: pit pads, doubles, gondola and gondola village (she couldn't mean a boat right), DeLuca’s, tap mics, wings, ASM, PSM, DSM, Dead clothes, Prop box, on deck, preset baskets, tech week, 10 of 12 day, and more.

The whole thing seemed pretty confusing to me but I tried my best to catch on to what I could and I made note of things to ask about later. And then we got to intermission.

“You doing okay?” She asked me when the house lights came back up and I could really see her.

“Yeah, I find it kind of weird though that you’re supposed to be watching the show and yet everyone is talking.”

“Unfortunately that’s just how everything works when we’re this close to opening.”

“I was able to hear some of the things you were talking about but I didn’t understand most of it.”

“Yeah, there’s a lot more to theatre than there is to film...at least in Wardrobe.”

“Seems like it.”

“That and there’s a lot more that goes into a traveling production, we want to make sure that we have whatever we need for anything that could happen.”

So for the next fifteen minutes of intermission I asked Y/N questions about the things that I noticed and then it was on to Act 2.

This time around I didn’t have nearly as many questions and everyone seemed a little quieter this time around. It was nice to just pay attention to the show and to laugh at all the jokes and smile at the crazy musical number that happened towards the end. One thing's for sure, I was definitely going to get tickets to see this show.

Sooner than expected this time around, the show finished and the actors all came out on stage. The director quickly went up and started to give notes so that they could leave as soon as he was done, Y/N explained. So while he spoke to the actors, all of the technical crew started to gather around the tech table with notepads and the like.

“So why don’t you go and wait out in the lobby for me? Maybe find somewhere we can go for dinner.” She said to me.

“That I can do.”

“I’ll be out as soon as I can.”

“Okay.” So I walked out and found a bench to sit on in the lobby, pulled out my phone and started to look around the area for a good place to eat dinner.

NAKIA: Hey. Just heard from T and it looks like he’s getting off at the same time we are. Double date?

BUCKY: Sounds good to me. Any places in mind?

NAKIA: Yeah. I’ll have T make a reservation.

BUCKY: Great.

Not having a distraction anymore, certainly did make sitting in the lobby by myself that much longer. And yet somewhere amongst the waiting the actors came out and made their way out of the theatre.

For some reason I thought I had been in the clear once the show was over. I thought that the world would forget about me and move on to another bachelor. I should have assumed differently.

Pretty much all of the girls came over to me and started asking me questions about the show and asking to take a photo with me. I didn’t really want to be in any photos, because I knew that once they posted them, someone would have something to say about me being in New York the day after the show ended and not with Ulani. But I did want to be nice to them so that when they found out I was with Y/N they wouldn’t be rude to her or to me when I visited.

So I took the pictures and answered there questions and hoped that this wouldn’t all explode in my face. But the question that they all seemed to be asking was why I was in New York, let alone a closed rehearsal for a touring show.

I wasn’t exactly sure what Y/N wanted me to say, so instead of saying something that could possibly get us both in trouble I told them that I was here for work and that a friend of mine was working the tour. I would explain what happened to Y/N later.

But when that was over and they all left me alone I decided to hide myself from anyone else and play around on my phone until Y/N was done.

Which was much later.

I had fallen asleep by that point, laying in the most awkward position on the bench. Despite having slept earlier, even if it had been really short, I didn’t think that I would pass out waiting for Y/N.

I woke up to the feeling of her lips on mine, even if it was just a peck, and when I opened my eyes, I saw her beautiful face and a smile that stole my heart.

“Hi, Mr. Sleepyhead.” She was sitting on the ground next to me, her fingers running through my hair.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” I smiled back at her and moved to sit up.

“I know. Are you ready go?”

“I am if you are.”

I stood up and helped her off the ground and then we made our way back to the hotel to change for dinner.

“So, I hope you don’t mind but Nakia texted me earlier and asked if we wanted to go to dinner with her and her boyfriend, you know like a double date. She set up a reservation for us at this place, but if you’re not up for it I would understand.”

“No, I’m good for a double date. But I am more curious to know how you know Nakia.”

“I don’t know her, not really, I know her boyfriend. We kind of went to school together.”

“Kind of?”

“Yeah. I went to MIT, he went to Harvard. We met at a bar our Freshman year and then moved in together after that. We lived together until we both graduated and have been friends ever since.”

“Well then I’m excited to meet him.”

“I’m sure you’ll like him.”

We made it back to the hotel and into our room, Y/N going straight into the closet to grab her dress for the night and the iron and board.

“Why don’t you let me do that?” I asked, taking the board from her hands and setting it up.

“You want to press my dress for me.”

“You’ve had a long day and you should relax.”

“You fell asleep on a bench earlier, if anyone should relax it should be you.”

“That? That was a power nap. I feel fine…” I took the iron from her hands and moved her back towards the bed. “Let me help, you relax.”

“Ok. But I’m going to go fix my hair first, I wasn’t really in the mood to do anything with it this morning.”

“You look beautiful just the way you are.” I stepped in front of her, blocking her path to the bathroom.

“Thank you.” She reached up and kissed me...I would never get over that.

In a moment of sheer distraction she passed by me and went into the bathroom, leaving me with the pressing. So I got to work.

The dress was a beautiful shade of blue, I could only imagine that it would look amazing on Y/N, but I might of bit off more than expected. The dress was long and there was a lot to the skirt, not to mention near impossible to get the top let alone the sleeves. But I wasn’t going to let Y/N down and I told her that I would get it done, even if it did take me longer than it would have if she had done it.

She must have been watching me for sometime because I could hear her trying to hold back her laughter when I couldn’t figure out the best way to get the front of the dress pressed with its wrap style.

“Bucky, please let me help.”

“No, I got it.” Then I felt her hands on top of mine, slowly prying the iron from my hands.

“We need to leave soon and you still need to get dressed. Thank you for pressing my dress.”

“But I didn’t finish.”

“Just a little advice...I usually do the top first so that the skirt doesn’t get wrinkled. Also it’s a lot easier to go back through when it’s hung up and just let them steam from the iron get the wrinkles out of the top.”

“Good to know.”

So as she finished her dress, I went into the restroom and put my suit on, having already pressed it earlier and took a couple of minutes to fix my hair back into place.

I walked out into the main room and quickly stopped in my place. I probably should have said something or gone back into the bathroom but I was completely frozen in place.

Seeing Y/N in her bra and underwear shouldn’t be weird right? I mean I had seen her in less...a lot less and she had definitely seen me the same way. And yet she amazed me. She was just so simply getting dressed, an everyday action, but seeing her in this way, in a way that no one else got to, made me feel a greater love for her. I got to see her scars and imperfections, I saw her past painted on her skin and I saw the insecurities she tried to hide with clothing. Everyone got to see her strength and her confidence, but I was lucky enough to see everything that they didn’t. And knowing that, having finally admitted my love for her, I couldn’t help but stare and become even more entranced by her beauty and just wonder how I had somehow won her heart.

“See something you like?” She turned around to face me, obviously knowing that I was behind her, still with a glowing smile on her face.

“You.” I said smiling back at her.

“Well that is definitely something we should bring up later, but now we have to go.” She winked at me and I couldn’t help but laugh at her. God I was doomed, this woman would be the death of me.

We both put on our shoes and headed down to our ride to the restaurant. I opened the door for her and slid in right next to her, and as soon as we were settled and on our way, Y/N grabbed my hand and held it in hers.

We didn’t really talk on the drive. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to talk to each other, it was that there wasn’t anything to say. We had talked about the biggest elephant in the room and despite how complicated I had made things, we had come to an understanding about everything. We weren’t 100% good and we would still have our issues but for now, we were fine, we had each other. Everything else would come with time.

We pulled up in front of the restaurant and I helped her out of the car, before escorting her into the restaurant. I gave the hostess my name and she showed us to our table which was already occupied by Nakia and T’Challa. I walked over to him first and gave him a big hug, I couldn’t even remember the last time I had seen him.

“Hey Buck.”

“Hey T.” I said. “Or is it your highness now?”

“One article called me that and now I can’t seem to escape it.”

“I have to admit that it suits you.”

“Yeah...whatever. How have you been?”

“I’m doing great.” The four of us sat down at the table and our hostess placed menus in front of us before leaving us alone.

“You know, Nakia and I watched your show.”

“Did you? Well, don’t believe everything you see. I ended up a lot luckier than I did on the show.” I reached out for Y/N’s hand and she placed hers in mine, we both smiled at each other. “But...forgetting about the show, this is Y/N, my girlfriend. Y/N, this is my friend T’Challa, you probably know him as the King of Broadway.”

“If you want to stay friends, you’ll stop calling me that.”

“I don’t want to be a fangirl but I saw you as Coalhouse in Ragtime and your performance was outstanding, absolutely incredible.” Y/N said to him.

“Thank you, that was actually my first lead role on broadway, and it was the show where I met Nakia.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, she was the Wardrobe Supervisor and I was the actor—”

“And the rest is history.” Nakia finished. She reached over and grabbed his hand, just like I had with Y/N.

Our waiter came over to our table and took our drink orders and then headed over to the bar. And then Nakia asked the question that I’m sure was on both of their minds.

“Ever since you called me, I’ve been very curious about the two of you. So I have to know...what’s your story?” She said referring to the two of us.

“That is a...very complicated question.” I said with a smile on my face.

I looked over at Y/N and the feeling that I felt looking at her, out to dinner with our friends, and free from everyone holding us back, was the best feeling in the world. I never wanted this feeling to leave, this feeling of complete and utter love for someone else, the feeling that I would do absolutely anything to see that smile on her face or hear her laugh fill a room. I had known before that she would be my world but now there was no doubt that she was my everything, and that was an incredible feeling.

“Our story? Well...it all started with an interview.” She began.

****

EPILOGUE

Tell Me What You Think Here

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toto-doodles · 6 years

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First Date

This is for the @danganevents valentines fic exchange :) I was assigned @deadpunkin who wanted komahina fluff! This was my first time doing something like this and It was a cool experience- I hope you have fun reading it! ^^

Hajime Hinata was running late.

This wasn’t a common nor uncommon experience really. Hajime’s most remarkable quality (excluding his abnormally spikey hair) would have to be how average he is. And being late occasionally is just a part of life! That was something anyone could understand and be understanding of, surely..

This is what was repeating through Hajime’s head as he dashed to the bus stop down the street from his apartment complex. Just a little bit further-

“OOF!”

Upon rounding the street corner Hajime collides with an immense and immovable object. This ‘object’ was none other than Nekomaru Nidai.

“Woah, there- What’s the rush!” Nekomaru exclaimed, helping pick Hajime up from off the ground where he had fallen. The Ultimate Team Manager was built like a brick house and running headlong into him made that especially clear.

“I appreciate your enthusiasm, though your form is severely lacking!” He continued, helping brush Hajime off lightly and doing his best to smooth down the spiky mass of hair “Having heart is important but we’ll never reach play offs on that alone. If you really want to improve your run time I can help you devise a solid regiment suited to your build!” At this point Nidai had given up on fixing the mess known as Hajime’s hair and punched his fists together enthusiastically “Just give me the word an-“

“Nidai I am so sorry but also- I do Not have time for this today.” Hajime sputtered out darting around the managers’ form and making a run for it, “We can talk about this another day!” He half-heartedly promised over his shoulder, already trying to calculate how much this detour would affect his time. As he was not the SHSL Mathematician, however, Hajime soon abandoned this line of thought.

Nidai huffs to himself lightly, as the smaller student flees away in a full on sprint, “He must really have to take a shit..”

Across town a lone figure arrives at the door of Jabberwock Java, a local coffee chain renowned for its fun and exotic take on the classic café theme.

“Huh. I’m 15 minutes early! That’s just my luck..” He sighed before sitting at one of the outside tables to wait for 6 o’clock. Better than being late, really. Nagito had made sure to leave Hope’s Peak with plenty of time and to take the most secure path available according to Google maps. That way even if was waylaid by criminals or caught in a storm he would have plenty of time to deal with the issue.

Despite emotionally preparing for something unfortunate the entirety of the trip, it had been remarkably easy. Almost frighteningly so.

“A lot can happen in 15 minutes,” Nagito thinks to himself while thoughtfully gazing towards the horizon.

He made it! The bus was leaving right as he arrived but due to Hajime’s quick reflexes and the bus driver’s kindness (ie. Running alongside the bus as it started to pull off and knocking on door), he was now seated in the fourth closest seat to the door.

“Finally, something is going right,” Hajime sighs, taking a moment to try and catch his breath. The fellow bus occupants were likely judging him, but he had made it on and that’s what really counts. The person in the next seat over was openly staring daggers at him.

They would probably stop once they realized he wasn’t going to acknowledge them. Sweat dripped down the side of his neck and Hajime wished he had the foresight to bring water.

Or the foresight to just leave on time instead fussing over his stupid outfit for half an hour. Its not like he even wore anything that different from his usual clothes..

“Hajime?..”

Sure, it was a slightly nicer button down. Crisp collar, unlike his every day outfit. And the tie he chose was not the usual green- but a more grey-ish green shade than usual. Not that he bought it specifically for this or anything! He just… needed a new tie.

“Hajime!”

Oh fuck.

So much for ignoring them, “Oh! Hey there Ibuki,” he smiled in what was hopefully a nonchalant manner “What’s up?” He went to lean in to more of a relaxed slouch against the handrail but, upon realizing an outer seat didn’t actually have that, stopped before he could fall into the center aisle.

He could play it cool. Right.

“What’s up with Ibuki?! More like what’s up with Hajime!” She exclaimed loudly, almost certainly drawing unnecessary looks from everyone else on the bus, who hadn’t paid attention to his frantic pounding on the bus window a couple minutes back “Ibuki saw you run from alllllll the way by down the street.”

“Now what could Ibuki’s favorite drummer be doing running so desperately,” She crossed her arms in thought.

“Its- really its no big deal! I was just,” Think Hajime, think “Getting in my steps for the day.” Nailed it.

“Oh!! Ibuki sees,” Here she shot a wide grin, and nodded in a self satisfied manner “And after his steps Hajime always goes to treat himself with some tea! Of course!!”

“Uh.. sure.”

“And of course the best place to get tea is the Hanamura Family Diner!”

Hajime felt his heart drop.

“Which is why you are on a bus alllllll the way to Aoyama!” Ibuki continued, unaware of Hajime’s turmoil “Ibuki still needs to go there one day, but she can never seem to find it! Even when she goes to watch concerts in that area no one ever seems to have heard of it!”

“..This bus is headed where?”

Nagito checked his phone. It was only just after 6… Hajime probably just got lost on his way here. At this point it was almost rude to loiter outside without at least going to buy something.

Mind made up Nagito headed inside the café, deciding to order a small drink and stake out a nice spot for when Hajime arrives. He checks his phone again, as a force of habit.

No new messages.

After getting off at the next nearest stop and declining Ibuki’s invitation to play ‘Will I get there?’ Hajime has to be completely honest with himself.

This isn’t just a little late anymore. Assuming Nagito arrived on time (and not early as Hajime feared) he would have been waiting for at least 45 minutes now. While the luckster has come a long way from disdainful student he had been (And only seemed to be warming up to Hajime more and more every day), surely, he was pushing the others patience at this point.

Hajime was across town with no way to the café. He should just call and tell him what happened, reschedule for another day and cut his losses.

He reaches into his pocket to retrieve his phone.

Aaaaand finds nothing. Hajime blinks for a bit, before re-checking each and every pocket he has. The search comes up with his wallet, the apartment key, a pack of mint fresh gum, and absolutely nothing else.

“Ughhhhhhh..” He puts his head in hands for a moment and thinks. He had been avoiding checking the time since he first left so as not to psyche himself out too much. It must have been left at home. And if it was lost anywhere else, then… Well that would be a problem for future Hajime.

Current Hajime has very specific problems to deal with. Namely not disappointing the guy he was supposed to meet up with any more than he already has. With renewed energy Hajime stands up and looks over the map located at the stop.

The next bus he needed wasn’t coming for a good while. There must be another way to get there… Suddenly a car with deeply tinted windows pulls up next to Hajime on the curve. The window starts to roll down on the passenger side and Hajime tenses up ever so slightly. If he throws the gum then that should be enough of a distraction to make a run for it if need be.

“Hey Hajime! What are you doing all the way on this side of town?”

“….Fuyuhikyo?”

Behind the Kuzuryu heir Peko waves lightly from the driver seat.

Nagito is easygoing in a lot of ways. Life happens and things often out of your control can make keeping plans difficult at times. It was like his luck with its ups and downs and the unpredictable nature of things, honestly. But Nagito is also a realist.

He had his… reservations about this outing from the beginning, and it was becoming increasingly clear that so must have Hajime. It was 7:30 with no calls or messages, and no sign of the spiky haired teenager. Though the timing was unfortunate, he must have finally realized his time would be better spent with almost anyone else. It was an unavoidable outcome really. Nagito was almost surprised it took this long, even with the young man’s stubborn nature.

Either that or something could have happened to Hajime- which was unthinkable. A light shudder wracked his frame at the idea. Nagito would be fine with ignoring whatever this could have been if Hajime is okay. He would have to be okay.

For everything else the universe had taken away from him it should owe him this much at least.

With that Nagito strengthens his resolve to greet Hajime normally tomorrow, as he always does after class. He won’t mention being stood up or talk about waiting on him. He won’t push for more than he deserves.

Though only a reserve course student Hajime had so much hope in his heart. That was really the only way Nagito could put it. He had a way of making everyone around him feel acknowledged and cared for just by being there. It’s really no wonder that he had become such an essential part of the 77th class of Hope’s Peak Academy, despite being an unofficial member.

Though the two had taken a while to get used to each other and only recently started to understand one another, they worked well together. There was a base attraction that only flourished as they shared their stories, love of Hope’s Peak Academy and what it represents, even their deepest dreams with one another.

Or at least that’s what Nagito had thought.

It had seemed reciprocated if the confession (Could it even be called that?) from Hajime was anything to go by. It had been pretty round about in the way he did it, but the intent seemed clear. His eyes had been bright and cheeks flushed as he mentioned with a forced off-handedness about this café he had been meaning to try, and ‘Gee, wouldn’t it be nice to go together, Nagito?’

Really, the nail in the coffin was Hajime insisting that they do this on a couple’s holiday. Nagito didn’t consider himself to be oblivious but the implications of that seemed... pretty straightforward.

Lost in thought and fidgeting with his long since empty cup he almost doesn’t notice the shadow that crosses his table.

“Hey.” The seat across from him pulls out as a somewhat ruffled looking Hajime takes a seat.

“Sorry to keep you waiting for so long- there was an issue with the bus and misplacing my phone. It was kind of crazy trying to get here honestly!”

Seeing how much of a mess the other boy’s hair was (Which is to say it was slightly worse than usual) and how his tie (..Was that new? It was a silky looking grey-green shade that was endearingly familiar) noticeably askew, that seemed believable. Not that Hajime was the type to lie to protect someone’s feelings, but it was comforting evidence, nonetheless.

“Oh! That sounds rather troublesome,” Nagito answered after a moment “I’m honored you invited me here in the first place, but you really shouldn’t go to such lengths just to meet with me!” He laughed a bit self-consciously.

“I wanted to.” Hajime reply’s immediately. Firmly.

A warm hand grasps Nagito’s own on top of the table. He can feel his heart skip a beat.

“Whether it’s talking about whatever comes to mind or even just saying nothing at all,” Hajime pauses as if searching for the right words “being with you is.. good, Nagito. You are really important to me.”

As Nagito begins to flush at the unexpected praise, at the counter across the room Fuyuhikyo and Peko order a couple of green tea’s and a bag of fried dough cookies to go.

“It’s about time,” Fuyuhikyo huffs lightly nodding at their friends joined hands. Peko hums in agreement, collecting the sweets bag and passing a cookie over.

“They’ve only been dancing around each other for the past three years. Sheesh, were we ever that insufferable?” Peko gives him a look that speaks volumes, and the two leave Jabberwock Java and the soon to be couple behind.

#komahina #fic #happy valentine's day #I never post anything I write so this is a big step for me :)#I am not very good but if you have fun doing it then thats good I think #there is a little angst but its mostly fluff!#there is canon typical swearing I'd say #sorry for it being a bit late.. I made sure to message you but I'm not sure it went through..#i was having trouble with formatting but i think its okay now

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 6 years

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COTW 11 - Start

Eren had been off since his duck nightmare. His omega was shutting him out again, yet always seemed to have a valid excuse to. He'd been asleep on the Sunday, busy with Hanji, then busy with preparing for dance wind up. When he finally got a day off, the day before Viren's birthday, his mate had left the apartment before he woke, having been picked up by Hanji on her way home so he could clean up before the party. Driving himself over there, Eren was so busy with party preparation, Levi found himself on cleaning duty... Hanji's house the pigsty he remembered, other than the kitchen, living and dining area. Hanji was passed out from her shift, while Viren and Anna were making "decorations" at the kitchen table. Eren having provided them with an unending supply of pencils and paper. His son was as skilled as his omega when it came to sketching... completely awful. By the time everything was done, there was a sea of food. The extras serving as dinner for the kids, while Eren refused to sit, due to the mountain of dishes. Chased out the kitchen by Hanji as she volunteered Levi for dish duty, Eren was forced to join kids in the living room. It wasn't even 10 minutes later than Anna came to report that "Uncle Eren had fallen asleep". Putting Eren to bed in the spare room, there was a small pile of presents for Viren in the corner, most of which were signed from both of them. His presents were in the car, figuring they'd be there for the afternoon, not staying the night. Making sure Eren was tucked in properly, he stole a quick kiss, leaving the door open so he could listen for any nightmares. Heading back down to the dining room, Hanji had served up two plates of party food "How is he?" "Sleeping" "Soooo, that means we can talk now, right?" "About what?" "About Eren. What happened with you two, you were doing so well" "You noticed it too?" "I did. Now spill" "I don't know. He's been off since he had a nightmare" Levi nearly mentioned the ducks. It was on the tip of his tongue "Did he say what it was about?" "Yeah. It wasn't anything major, but he had a bit of scare. An omega was attacked by a beta, and he stepped into protect her" "I heard about that from Mike. He said he was really good with her" "He was. He thought I'd be mad, but I was proud of him. Everyone else was ignoring her, but he stepped in. He stopped something much worse from happening to her" "Honestly, it's tiring seeing how many omegas are abused and hurt. We had one in not that long ago, their partner beat them half to death because they went to a shelter during their heat" "I'm sick of seeing it. Even shelters don't help. Work just feels so pointless. Especially when you get called out to the same shitty address" "Erwin said you'd been distant" "Erwin says too much. Eren wants me out there helping omegas, but now days, I'd rather be home" "Maybe it's time you think about quitting for good" "I can't. Not when there's a wedding to plan, Christmas, New Year's, Eren's birthday, twins coming. It all takes money" "If you're not happy, then find a new job" "With a bullet in my back? I'm a fucking liability" "They never warned us about all these responsibilities that came with growing older" "No. And it's been hard. Eren pushing me away. I don't know why" "Maybe he's been stressing over this dance wind up. You two did make up over that, right?" "Yes, mum. We talked. I was a dick" "Damn. I wish I'd gotten that on record" Levi rolled his eyes, here he was, trying to have a serious conversation "Sorry. I was trying to lighten the mood. I know he wants tomorrow to go off perfectly" "Yeah. You better not have anything organised" "No. After he lost his temper at me, I didn't bother with any baby shower plans" "Good. He's not in a good place. I tried to talk to him about getting married and he straight up shot me down" "He did what?!" "Shhh. The last thing we need is little ears repeating this to Eren" "I'm sorry, but I can't believe it. He's had his heart on marrying you for so long" "I know. I was thinking maybe... we surprise him? He said he doesn't want me marrying a fat bride" "He's pregnant, besides, a dress will cover that" "He doesn't want to wear a dress. He wants to wear a suit" "But... I found the perfect dress for him" "I found the perfect ring, and I've applied for a license. You should have seen the paper work" "I don't think I want to. That's one good thing about alphas getting married, there really wasn't that much paperwork for us" Hanji shook her head, her face saddening. Probably because it would soon be her wedding anniversary "I didn't mean..." "No. No. It's ok. I know. I don't think springing a wedding on Eren would go over well" "Then what else am I supposed to do?" "Maybe leave hits around? Jewellery catalogs, and such?" "He'd probably go buy what he likes from them, without even telling me about it" Hanji pushed a smile to her lips, never missing the chance to give him shit "Like that box I'm hiding in the garage?" "That's his Christmas present" "Mhmm..." "It's a blanket I saw down in Paradis. It's very him" "I know. You really don't know what upset him?" "I know he's still struggling with his nightmares. He eats a proper meal most days, but he's been keeping busy, almost like he's intentionally ignoring me" "Have you two been intimate?" "Not like that. Cuddles and kisses in passing, on the chance I actually get to see him awake" "Hopefully it's something simple like him being distracted by Viren's birthday" "Yeah. I hope so..." It was nicer to believe that, than that they'd gone backwards again "I'm sure it'll be ok" "I just don't know what I've done. He had a rough day, we both did. We took a shower, fell asleep on the sofa. He had a nightmare, then we went to bed. Viren had crept in, and Eren was afraid of sleeping with in our bed. He said he'd scared Viren by bleeding, and again when he had a small breakdown..." "Is that it? He wants to make Viren's birthday special as an apology?" "I don't know. He's upset Viren with nightmares and panic attacks before. He still feels guilty over miscarrying in front of him..." "Then I guess we'll have to wait and see. Has he been to see Krista?" "We were supposed to go, but he had to change the appointment due to my schedule. We've got a joint appointment coming up next week..." "And he's got the results of the genetic test back?" "Oh, what? Yeah. That all seems to be in order. His next ultrasound's next month. Mike gave him one after the omega attack, and gave him the all clear. I thought you would have checked" "I'm not always stalking the pair of you, you know. I occasionally do my job" "That makes a first" "You're an arse" "I've been told that one so many times, I'm beginning to wonder if it's tattooed on my forehead" "Yep. It is. Nice big capital letters" Picking at his plate of food, he had no real appetite. When Viren came running to him, his son was more interested in the food than he was. Letting the boy take what he wanted, he enjoyed hold him... even when he ended up covered in smeared mince from cold party pies. Viren was the best of both of them. Other than the tantrums. His son's wide eyed innocence was so similar to Eren's. his excitement of learning something new, lit his face up just like Eren's used to light up each time he learned a new word. He wanted to protect that forever. He wanted his son to grow up in a world where it didn't matter what your dynamic was, and he wanted the boy to know it was ok and perfectly acceptable to be an omega, and to be friends with an omega. Kissing Viren's hair, his son turned to give him a wet food filled kiss on the cheek. His disgust must have showed as Hanji cackled with laughter "You're just jealous" "No. I get more than enough of those kisses. Why don't you take him up and give him a bath?" "What are you going to do?" "I may find the energy to put the dishes in the dishwasher" He'd actually forgotten about those, his mind on Eren "You two cleaned my house, the least I can do is throw the dishes in the dishwasher" "If you didn't let it get so messy in the first place..." "Then what would Eren do when he came over?" "Relax. Like he's supposed to be doing?" "He relaxes" "He better. You're the one who said he needed to relax and heal" "Levi, today was the most wound up I've seen him in a while. Usually we sit and talk, or play with the kids" "He's so good with them" "He's come such a long way. Go on and head up for the night" "It's barely 6pm" "We're going to have a yard full of sugar filled kids tomorrow, you need all the rest can you get" Eren wasn't in the spare room when Levi stuck his head in, with the light on in bathroom, there was a light jog in his step as he headed down the hall. Something felt very off... and he could put his finger on it. Opening the bathroom floor, Eren was in the middle of a panic attack. Pills scattered around his mate as he sat on the floor, staring off into space with tears in his eyes "Hanji!" Startled by his cry, Viren struggled against him "Levi, what is it?" "Take Viren and head downstairs" Shielding Eren from her, Hanji took his unhappy son "What's going on?" "He's having a panic attack" "Ok. I've got the kids" Moving into the bathroom, Levi closed the door behind him. Grabbing the bottle off the floor, he quickly read the label. Ordinary panadol. From the dent in the side, it looked as if Eren had thrown the bottle against something "Eren?" Big doey eyes looked to him. Eren sniffling as he tried to wipe at his face "What happened?" "I couldn't get the stupid bottle open" Levi felt weak with relief. Eren hadn't taken anything. The pills scattered from throwing the bottle "What's wrong?" "I have a headache and I couldn't get the bottle open... Why do I have to be like this?! To stupid to open a simple fucking bottle?!" "You're not stupid" "I couldn't get it open!" "Ok. Alright, here. Can you get up for me?" "I don't think I can move" Moving Eren from the floor and up to the bathroom counter, he took his mate's face into his hands "Did you take any of them?" "No... I started crying" "Alright. Hold on" Shaking out two small white pills, he pressed them into Eren's hand, his omega dry swallowing them before he could retrieve a glass of water for him. Looking to his feet, Eren seemed to shrink away from him "I'm sorry" "It's alight. I've thrown pills before" "I saw it on your face, you thought I'd taken them. Didn't you?" Levi winced in guilt "I knew it..." "I thought you might have had a panic attack not known you'd done it" "I was supposed to get better" "You are getting better" "I'm supposed to be better" "Eren, there's no time limit on recovery" "Really? Because it feels like I haven't recovered at all. Maybe keeping the pups was a bad idea... all I've been doing is fucking falling apart" "Hey. That's not true" "It is! The fact you thought I'd tried to overdose the day before our son's third birthday says it all" "Well that the fuck am I supposed to think? You've barely talked to me, or even looked at me since the day Sophie was attacked" "Because I've been busy" "Yeah. Avoiding me!" "So what if I have?!" Levi felt like he'd been stabbed in the heart. He'd known it! "I'm supposed to be your alpha" "And I'm fucked in the head! If I don't keep busy, I can't stop thinking!" "You could talk to me" "And tell you what!?" "What you're thinking... what you're feeling? What you're up to?" "What am I supposed to say? That without my pills I feel stupid and useless? That you made me feel stupid? That I was too embarrassed to say anything in front of you, because apparently I can tease you, but fall to pieces when you do it back?" "Yes. If it helps" "I can't! I'm tired of falling apart! I want to support you! I know you're not happy, and I have to keep it together for Viren" "You don't have to hide it from me..." "If I don't, you won't go to work. You'll want to stay home and take care of me. I can't take it. Ok. I feel smothered!" "I thought you liked it..." "I do! I did! But Levi, we've been drifting for months and now it's too much! We're only talking again because I'm pregnant... you know, Sophie wasn't the first omega I stood up for. I came home with a black eye once, you didn't even ask what happened. I'd forgotten all about it..." "What? When the hell did that happen?" "Before I found out I was pregnant" "Why didn't you say anything?" "Because you were busy with work..." "Work doesn't matter" "It matters to me" "Eren..." Starting to cry harder, Levi stepped forward, gathering Eren up against him "I'm sorry" "Levi... I feel like I'm going crazy" "You're not going crazy" "I am. You tell me so many things that should make me feel good about myself, but I'm none of them" "That's a load of shit" "It's true... I... I kicked Viren..." "What?!" His tone was more aggressive than he meant it to be. Eren wouldn't just go around kicking their son "I fell asleep on the sofa and he grabbed me by the ankle. I kicked out without thinking! I'm not a good mum! I hurt him" The way Eren whimpered at the end of his sentence broke his heart "Oh Eren... when did this happen?" "The day after the attack... he fell back and all I could think about was dad sending me flying across the kitchen when he killed mum... I shouldn't be a mother! I'm not a good mother! He was so confused, and he looked at me like I was a monster. I am a monster!" "Shhhh... it's ok. Is this why you've been working so hard to make sure everything was perfect for his birthday?" "We were getting closer. He actually wanted me, and he wanted cuddles... What if I do it again? What if I try to throw myself off the balcony again? Or pass out from a panic attack and he gets hurt?!" "No. Shhh. You're ok... I'm here" "Maybe I should get rid of the pups?" "No. No. We're going to get through this" "How? I feel like monster every time I look at him" "You are not a monster" "I am. I'm a freak" "You're not a freak" Whimpering, Eren's hand went to his head "You're ok. You're going to be ok" "I want him to be happy... I want him to grow up being happy. Not with a psychotic mother" "You're not psychotic, and you're not a bad mother. A bad mother wouldn't care if he was happy. He wouldn't try so hard to make sure his son never saw him crying, or to make sure he never saw us having an argument" "I love him so much Levi. I love him..." "I know you do. I know you do" Rubbing Eren's back, he wasn't sure what else to do. Eren didn't want him quitting work, but his mate really did need emotional support right now. They had savings, but they wouldn't last forever... As loathe as he was to admit it, maybe Hanji was right? Maybe he should look at trying to find a new a job? He hated that Eren felt so terrible, and that he was actually wondering if keeping their pups was the right thing to do. He knew his omega loved them, and his small swell "I love you, Eren" "I don't know why... anymore" "Because you're incredible" "An incredible failure" Pulling back to take Eren's face in his hands, he stared down into Eren's red eyes, wiping at his tears with the pads of his thumbs "You're smart. And funny. And witty. And you have the worst pick-up lines. You wear your heart on your sleeve and you stand up for everyone. You're kind, and gentle. All you want is for everyone you care about to be safe and happy, even when it causes you pain. You accepted me for who I am. For all my flaws and my shit sense of humour. You came into my life and turned everything upside down. You fixed the parts of me I didn't even know that needed fixing. And you did it with a smile on your face and your head held high. Like it was as natural as breathing. I'm even better at expressing what I'm feeling, and understanding those around me. I never realised how narrow and course my outlook on life was. You even accepted my obsessive cleaning ways, and my damaged hands" "Your hands are always so warm" "You listened about Farlan and Isabel. You understood how I felt, and you even loved them like you knew them, and like they were your family. You've given me a family, and somewhere to belong, and a wonderful son. You did all those things. Even when you were scared, you accepted me. Even when you were scared of your heats, and of the things you were feeling, you let me in. Even when I fucked it up, you forgave me" "I don't feel like I'm all that special" "You are. You're so very special to me. And to all of us" Eren sniffled "I feel like I'm always letting you down. I'm always ending up in hospital, or sick, or doing and saying the wrong thing. I feel stupid for not going to school, and stupid when you're all talking and I can't keep up" "Eren, you passed your high school equivalency while dealing with post-partum depression and the pressures of being a new mum. You're so much smarter than you think" "You... you did most of the work" "No. We worked on it together. All I did was check your work, after you'd tried your hardest" "I don't want to feel like this" "I know you don't. And if I could take all this pain from you, I would" "I wouldn't let you. You have so much to deal with. You're the brave on. You rush in and save people's lives" "So do you. You protected the omegas at the club, and the church grounds, and Sophie. And don't think I've forgotten about that time in the hardware store. Or with Marco, and with Hanji" "I get into fights. Omegas aren't supposed to" "Well. I think you're perfect, and I'm proud that you stand up for them. I don't give two shits about what omegas are and aren't supposed to do" "I know you don't. That's why you're so good with them, but society doesn't see it that way" "That's their loss. For each of us lucky enough to know what it's like to have the love and trust of the an omega, we wouldn't change any of you" "I would. If I could... I'd change" "What would you change?" "These stupid tears. The stupid voice in the back of my head" "Your omega had always been a bit of an arsehole" "More like a whiny bitch" Kissing Eren's forehead, Eren sniffled loudly "I love you, Levi. I don't mean to be like this" "I know" "I really hate crying" "I know you do" "And I'm sorry for dumping this on you" "You don't need to be sorry" "I do. Sometimes I need space, but I don't know how to ask. I don't want to hurt you anymore" "All you have to do is say so. It's ok. Sometimes I need some space too. You know that" "I don't feel like I have the right to ask" "Eren, you could literally ask me for anything. You're the only one in the world with that right" "Then can I ask you don't quit your job for me?" "I seem to remember you asking me that before" "I still feel like you need it" "I'm not so sure about that. I've been thinking it might be time to start a new career" "And do what?" "I don't know. Something" "Before you do, talk with Erwin. And Mike. And Hanji. And Eld. And Gunther... I don't want you to make a decision that you'll regret" "All you can do in life is make the choices you feel you'll regret the least when the time comes" "And what if you make the wrong ones?" "That's when you need to trust in those around you to back you up" "No matter what you choose, I'll back you up" "That's because we make a pretty impressive team" "Only because of you" "No. It's because we work with each other than we can overcome things" "You know. You really have changed. When I met you, you were trying so hard to keep everyone an arms length away. You were so determined to take everything on alone. You'd tell me at least once a week how you hated repeating yourself... I just hope I haven't broken you" "I'm not broken. I'm healing. I've been on this planet for nearly 40 years and it took you coming into my life for the healing to begin" "You'd think with friends for doctors, the healing would have started a whole lot sooner" "Our friends are arseholes" "But you love them" "Not as much as I love you. I'm sorry about the pills..." "No. I probably scared the fuck out of you. I couldn't get the stupid child safety cap off, and then I when I got it undone, I was too worked up to get the lid off" "Was it just the headache?" "I started panicking when I realised I'd fallen asleep and wasn't downstairs with the kids anymore. I haven't even done the dishes" "Hanji stacked the dishwasher" "The poor thing has been going all day" "I don't think you need to worry" "I need tomorrow to be perfect for him. I don't care if he won't remember, I want him to be happy" "And he will be. He loves the attention" "And he's going to love his trike" "Which his mother knew to tell his clueless father about" "You're not clueless. You get anxious. You're not sure if your gifts are good enough... but they are" "How did this turn back to me?" "Because I want you to know you're a good dad and a good alpha" "You're the one who's upset" "And you're the one who's dealing with me... God. I feel wrecked" "We should get you to bed then" "I still need to..." "Whatever it is, we can take care of it in the morning" "I was going to say I need to clean my face and do my teeth" "You weren't, but I'll let you off this time" "No... I wanted to have all decorations up for in the morning" "Then we'll wake up a little earlier than planned" "Levi, kids don't get the whole sleep in thing" "Then we'll be quite" "They have a 6th sense about their parents being awake" "You might be right about that. How about we try to get some sleep, and if we wake up, we'll do the decorticating then?" "You're not going to let me do it tonight, are you?" "No. Right now, you're burnt out and need to sleep" "Viren still needs a bath" "Which I can take care of" "I feel bad for not decorating tonight" "After everything you were doing in the kitchen today, I think you're entitled to taking a break" "Parents don't get breaks" "Fine. A breather. Let me handle some of this. We're his parents. The two of us" "I know... can you help me down?" Getting Eren back into bed was easy. Having cried himself out, his omega let himself be put back into bed. At least he understood what was going on now. He knew how scared and confused Eren had been over his father's actions, but he wasn't his father. He needed to learn to forgive himself. He'd never meant to hurt Viren. His ankles were just a sore point for him. Even during sex, if he accidentally brushed against Eren's ankles, his omega would tense. He'd tried to lash affection on the lingering scarring, but Eren just wasn't comfortable with it. If it didn't involved being touched there, Levi would have suggested that Eren might want to get them tattooed, like his wrists. He had to admit the parlour did an wonderful job on Eren's wrists. He really hadn't understood how touchy Eren had been about them, but since having them done, his mate had gone back to wearing shirts and tops, and holding hands more often. If only all of Eren's self worth issues could be solved so easily...

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chrisemrysblog · 7 years

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Poker Pair Week: Day Two

Hello dears!

Today’s chapter is a bit late, though it might still be the 19th for some of you, but hopefully that won’t throw me off for the rest of the week. Then again, it’s mostly because in the weekend I’m not as much on my computer, so I didn’t have as much time to write as I have during the week.

It’s also rather fun to write Tyki and Allen, so I do think I will manage to keep the schedule! Little note, as you might have noticed for Day One, I let the four prompts of each day inspire me, so on one side they don’t all equally affect the chapter, but on another you might see each of them at some point. I realized, for today’s ones, that the Joyride might just be figurative at the end, because it’s almost as if Tyki is stealing Allen along, driving him along for fun. Or something like that. I think it’ll make sense for you too, when you read it.

Poker Pair Week 2017 is my blog’s tag to read what was previously written!

Settings/Summary: Set in Searching for AW, but before Johnny and Kanda find Allen. A story of how Tyki and Allen meet again, end up travelling more or less together, and found themselves forming a bond that might not be just friendship. Note: The Allen in this story is similar to the one I write in Meet me halfway to the end! Mainly, this means similar characterization (which is also similar to how I rp him), but also that he is 18/19 years old. Meanwhile, this is my first time writing Tyki.

I hope you enjoy!

Meetings; Leisure; Joyride; Ocean

There was no way to control the furrow of brows full of suspicion as Allen's steps came to a stop. When he had noticed someone fishing in the river leading to the town, he hadn't known the form would soon feel familiar, until recognition flashed into his being. Then his eyebrows lifted when he realized Tyki had not noticed Allen.

His lips twitched into a little, but dark, grin. With light steps, Allen changed direction and went straight for the man. The very focused man.

“Lunch?” Oh, he really had to bite his lips when Tyki jumped so bad the rod slipped out of his fingers, forcing him to scramble to catch it before it fell in the waters, startled curses leaving his lips.

“Shonen.” Tyki greeted with a frown that did nothing to hide the pout, or little darkening of his cheeks. Oh, what a sight. “This is a… surprise.” Then an easy grin formed. “A nice one.”

It was Allen's turn to feel his face heat, but he crossed his arms, pinning Tyki with a deadpan look. “Indeed. I didn't expect to see you in the next town I went to. Quite the coincidence, don't you think? To think that we would stumble on each other mere days after parting ways. Almost as if we went in the same direction.”

The Noah shrugged before standing up, dusting his clothes and not looking in Allen's eyes. “What can I say, luck is on our sides.” Tyki let his gaze meet Allen's, sly smile on his face. “Unless you think it's a bad thing to meet me again?”

Silver eyes narrowed, but the corner of Allen's lips twitched. “Depends. What should I expect?”

Tyki lifted the bucket filled with the fishes he had gotten. “Lunch, as you guessed. I bet you're rather content to finally reach town.” Oops, Allen's eyes lit up at the slip, because how could have Tyki known Allen had been on the road with only his own supplies until now? Damn that boy, he got me good with that surprise stunt. His smile turned a little nervous. “And I happen to know a nice place to stay at. The town is going to have a fair, so all the inns are full.” Now Tyki smirked. “So really, you are lucky I got a room I'm willing to share.”

“… And when is that fair?” Allen asked, shoulders dropping with a sigh, slight hesitation in his gaze that Tyki eventually realized was Allen Walker being shy.

Shy but willing to accept the implied invitation. “Tomorrow. They will stay for three days.” He placed a hand on his hip, glancing down at his bucket, though he was still grinning. “I thought that would be a nice occasion to take leisure time. Though the town was bubbling with too much energy, so here I am.”

There was a few seconds of silence that followed, Tyki's gaze lifting back and head tilting with a little smile, as if waiting for Allen to decide. The white haired felt himself relax, not that he had been tense, but after being on the road for the past few days, he felt… soothed by what could almost be called a welcoming.

Then his stomach rumbled, and red coloured his cheeks. He scratched the back of his neck while the man laughed warmly. “So you were about to make lunch?”

“I was hoping to get more fish, but we can have a first meal. Just sit, I'll make the fire.” Tyki suggested with an easy grin, as if he was happy to do this with Allen. Or for Allen.

And really, how could he refuse a free meal? So the younger man got himself comfortable, Timcanpy flying around the two men, letting his travel bag rest beside him and crossing his legs as he watched Tyki. “Is the town busy? Or did you just want to cook?”

“There are always places to eat, but there's a lot of people. It's a bit overwhelming, if you just want to rest and relax.” Once more, Tyki didn't meet Allen's gaze as the younger man watched him rather piercingly. “Though I'm well placed to know that isn't going to fill your void of a stomach. We'll get more later, when the restaurants won't be as filled.”

It was Allen's turn to divert his gaze, instead fixing his eyes on the wood stick with the fishes that Tyki had started to cook. He felt, however, hyper aware of Tyki as the man chose to sit beside Allen. “I'm really lucky today aren't I? You're willing to share a room and you even got lunch plans.”

Tyki let a soft smile show on his face, chuckling. “I might be the lucky one, though. Pleasant company always makes a meal nicer, don't you think?”

“Well, aren't you very honest today. Careful, I might almost think you are trying to charm me.” Allen replied with amusement, however the gaze from the corner of his eyes was almost inquisitive, and the faint blush of his cheek could not be fought away.

“Only trying?” Tyki grinned, fully meeting Allen's eyes. But at Allen's scowl, confused more than anything, the Noah let his expression soften. “Come on now, are you saying you mind being around me?”

Allen fingers tapped against his knee, his expression smoothing. “You're decent.” He finally replied, smiling innocently as Tyki made a noise of protest. “And the fishes are ready, I believe.”

The man was chuckling again, shaking his head in a manner almost fond while he took out two sticks, handing one to Allen, and locking eyes. “Decent enough to share a meal with?”

Allen showed a smile that was, for lack of better word, coy. No, charming. “You are the one who cooked for me, after all.” His fingers had closed around his stick, but Tyki hadn't let go yet, making their fingers touch. “And I do believe you invited me for more food after.”

“Invited-you little demon.” Tyki muttered, finally letting him take his stick. “You'll follow anyone who offers you food, wouldn't you?” He grumbled as they both started to eat their fish.

Allen paused, then huffed out a laugh. “I'm not sure I can deny that.” He joked. But then he added, quieter, “But you're not anyone.”

Tyki snapped his eyes back on Allen, but of course, the younger male didn't look, instead focused on the food. Or pretending not to notice Tyki's gaze. That didn't stop the man from grinning. He didn't add anything though, instead letting the two of them eat in relaxed silence.

When they were finished, it was obvious that it had only opened Allen's appetite, with how the younger man stared at the fire with longing at the lack of more fish. It made Tyki laugh, then he stood and extended a hand. “I don't know you but I could really do with more food. I did get interrupted fishing for more.”

Allen accepted the hand, which let Tyki easily pull him up, while snorting. “Not my fault you were so distracted. You're lucky I didn't push you in the river. That was tempting for a moment.”

Tyki glared, picking up the bucket and fishing rod before leading the way. “You would have ended in the river too, Shonen.”

That only earned a smile and eyes that seemed to say, I would have liked to see you try. Up until his expression shifted to suspicious when in turn, Tyki's eyes lit up and he was grinning way too much. This was also the moment Allen realized he was the one closest to the river.

So, he quickened his steps, throwing a dark look when Tyki followed with laughters. Up until Allen reminded him that the Noah had invited Allen for food, and the white haired was whistling as Tyki paled.

Deep down, though, happiness had bubbled, enough to overcome to loneliness Allen had felt until now, the loneliness that had seemed to grow after he parted ways with Tyki. He had tried to convince himself that it was simply the casual interaction with someone he knew and that knew him that had made him wish for more; but now that he had met Tyki again…

He knew it was Tyki who he had been missing the past few days. He felt almost afraid, to spent a day around him, or even more; because who knew how he would feel when they would have to go their own way again?

But in the same way, Allen felt that he didn't want to leave, that he didn't want to refuse Tyki's offers. It was like the last time, yet it wasn't. Last time, they met by luck, and Tyki offered him safety for the time he would be around him. This time… This time, Tyki was offering him again safety, but also the silent promise of having fun; and more importantly, it was not chance meeting.

Allen knew it, just like he knew Tyki hadn't really tried to hide the fact. It was a silent knowledge, in the same way that they both pretended that they weren't part of a war. It was the silent promise of being just Allen and Tyki.

One that Allen found himself willing to follow. And like this, lunch passed by, until Tyki mentioned how close the ocean was, and Allen mentioned it had been a while since he had seen it.

This was how, after Tyki showed him the hotel he had rented a room in and he put his bag down, Allen ended up being guided to rock cliffs that overlooked the ocean.

It felt easy, then, to sit with his back against rocks, to have the man sit beside him, to have Timcanpy nestle in his hairs.

It felt easy, and comfortable in ways he hadn't been able to feel for months now. How long had it been, since he felt that he could relax?

A chuckle from his side brought his gaze to Tyki, inquisitive. The man gave a lopsided smile, eyes warm. “We watched sunrise before, we ought to watch sunset too now, Shonen.”

Somehow, Allen immediately knew Tyki was speaking of when they parted ways, when the sun had finally shone after the rainstorm. He let his gaze get lost in the rolling waves, humming. “Tonight, or in three days?” Will we separate again, when we do?

There was a few seconds of silence, and then, “Why not every night until we can't?” Why not stay together as long as we can?

Allen felt his heart skip a beat, but he couldn't bring himself to glance at Tyki. He didn't know what to say, either. He didn't know what he might want to say. He just knew his heart suddenly yearned for the quiet promise of companionship. “Why not every night until the fair ends?” I don't know about more.

Tyki was smiling, a touch sad, a touch fond. Not that Allen saw. “Sounds good to me. I told you, pleasant company is always good. I won't say no to yours, Shonen, whenever it is.” I'll take however long you give me.

And Allen had nothing else to add, bare the hum of agreement.

#poker pair week #poker pair #tykillen #d gray man #Poker Pair Week 2017

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one-true-houselight · 7 years

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Curses, Spencer (part one)

@psychtober

So. Um. This is very long and not even done yet. I will put a basic explainer at the end. Anxiety in the piece. Shules in passing (very in passing). Yay.

“Oh no. I’m getting a vision. Gus. GUS.” Shawn stood in the Santa Barbara police department, wildly shaking. Gus moved closer to Shawn, joining in the performance.

“What is it, Shawn?”

“The SPIRITS, Gus! Oh, they’re so loud…”

“Spencer, are you trying to be more annoying than usual? Or am I just exceedingly unlucky?”

Shawn opened his eyes a little to look at Lassiter. “Lassie, I can’t control the spirits. Especially when they’re helping me solve your case.” Lassiter growled at ‘your’, but before he could say anything, Shawn shrieked.

“Oh! I’m getting something!” Gus tried not to roll his eyes. Lassiter was right: Shawn had been acting out more than usual the past few days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After they first got this case, they were both in the car, having just left the police station. Gus glanced over at Shawn to see his best friend almost vibrating from his nervous fidgeting. Gus looked back at the wheel, and turned off the car.

“What the hell, man? We have to go look at that lead.” Shawn was fussing with his hair unconsciously, running his fingers through over and over.

“You’re acting weird, Shawn. You destroyed Lassiter in there.”

Shawn chuckled mirthlessly. “Don’t I always, Gus? Look, I don’t know why you’re interrogating me for Lassie being particularly-”

“Shawn.” Shawn stopped talking. Gus turned as much as he could towards Shawn, which made Shawn try to look like he wasn’t avoiding eye contact. “I’m worried. We haven’t really talked since Yin-”

“I’m fine! God, first Jules, now you?” Shawn was now looking at Gus, venomous annoyance surrounding him. “Like I told her, I’m FINE.”

“Alright. Fine. She might believe that because you’re always fine around her. But me?” Gus was getting annoyed as well. “I know your tells, Shawn. The hair, the energy-”

“They aren’t tells, Gus. They’re just-”

“And most importantly,” Gus continued, raising his voice over Shawn’s objection, “the more you insist you’re fine, the less fine you are.”

Shawn closed his mouth, swallowing his words. He looked into Gus’s face and tried to save his melting facade. “Not all the time. I come to you sometimes.”

“Yes, you do. But you know as well as I do that you hate talking about how you’re doing.”

“Yeah yeah, ‘I let my anxiety keep me from getting help from those around me’. My mom likes that line a lot.”

“Your mother is a psychologist, that isn’t exactly surprising.”

Shawn snorted and slumped back into his seat. After a period of silence, he spoke. “Yin’s kind of messing me up, and then my dad and I got in a fight. The combo hasn’t been great.”

“I think that’s an understatement.” Shawn glanced over with a smile.

“Alright, Dr. Phil. Can we get going now?” In response, Gus turned the car back on. Shawn was noticeably calmer, though he still fidgeted. Gus knew he couldn’t expect Shawn to completely recover with just a 90 second conversation, but was glad he had made him push against the anxiety for a bit.

“And Shawn? Try to be a little nicer to Lassie.”

A fleeting look of guilt passed over Shawn’s face. It was, however, replaced with a familiar impish grin. “I’ll just have to bother everyone equally!”

Gus sighed. He wasn’t sure what he expected...actually, he was. This was it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, Gus was watching Shawn perform for the station; his screams had attracted employees from around the building, using their in-house psychic as semi-regular entertainment. He watched Lassiter’s face slowly redden, hoping Shawn was doing the same. Luckily, Shawn moved on from his word association game right before Gus got ready to elbow him.

“I’m seeing a red awning. And some powerful plants in the door. I think-”

“That whack-a-doo from 9th street?”

“Carlton.” Juliet entered the circle just in time to deliver the familiar warning. At this point, she considered it a part of her job description to try and keep her partner from saying wildly insensitive things about (or worse, directly to) people he dealt with.

“Jules! Your spirit is helping those beyond the veil.”

She reflected on the fact that her internal job description was getting quite lengthy.

“Alright, can it Spencer. Let’s get over there.” Lassiter walked over to grab his keys from his desk. At that moment, Gus’s phone started ringing. He excused himself to take the call, mouthing ‘work’ at Shawn. As he stepped away, Chief Vick walked up to Shawn and Jules.

“Detective, I’m going to need you in interrogation room B” Juliet turned to her in surprise. “It’s Darla Sampson. We need her statement. I want a woman to take it, and I think having me take it was intimidating her.”

Juliet nodded in understanding. Shawn didn’t know much about the case, but knew enough to know that the Chief’s instincts were sound. “See you later, Jules.” She smiled at him and followed the Chief. When Lassie returned, Shawn turned to him. “Look’s like it’s just us three-”

“Two.” Shawn spun in surprise. “Emergency work call. I have to go.” Lassiter’s eyes widened as he realized what this meant.

“Absolutely not.”

“Lassie, we don’t have time. Besides, he might be easier to deal with if we have a kindred spirit with us.” As Shawn said his last bit, he raised his finger to his head, his innocent front cracking ever so slightly as Lassie closed his eyes.

“Fine. Come on.”

“Shotgun!”

“Spencer, you’re the only one who can call it.”

“That means it’s even more important that I do so.”

Lassiter glared at Gus. Gus shrugged back as Shawn started walking to the parking lot.

“Spencer, no talking on the way there!” He knew there was no way that would ever happen in his lifetime, but one had to try.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“And then, after they trusted you, joined your special group, you stole all their information.” Shawn looked up from his ‘vision’. “It was all just a credit card scam. And then our victim found out, and you had to get rid of him.” The man in front of him smiled slightly.

“Alright. You got me. But like I said before, you are going to regret pursuing this case.”

“Regret doing my job? I don’t think so, Adam.” Lassiter walked over and started cuffing him. “In fact, I tend to like when I get to bring a scamming fraud to justice.” He glared at Shawn over Adam’s head.

“Lassie, that cuts deep. And sir, though I can’t help you with the scamming bit, I know how hard it is to be called a fraud. Hopefully, you’ll find more understanding in prison.” Lassiter rolled his eyes before reading Adam his rights.

On the trip back, Adam didn’t say a word. Shawn filled the void by expounding on the impending release of a movie Lassiter had never heard of. When arrived back at the station, they watched as he was led away. He turned around and grinned at them before speaking. “See you tomorrow, then.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yesterday, someone at work started going on about how you needed to be completely focused to succeed in this business. I don’t think he knows what I do, but I had a dream the night before about getting fired again.”

“Well, they might feel they need to be 100% focused on their job in order to do it, but you’re cool enough that you not only have extra focus for food and blinking, but you can come have a fun time solving crime with me.”

“You don’t need to focus on blinking, Shawn.”

“That’s besides the point.”

Shawn and Gus sat in the Psych office that night, a pizza between them. They had decided back when Psych was first starting up to have a regular meeting where they talked through whatever was happening. This was their first real meeting since Yin, and they had talked at length about it when they first sat down. Now, they had moved on to more standard topics.

“Alright, you’re up. Anything else you need to talk about?” Shawn immediately got an evasive look.

“Um…”

“Shawn.”

“Look, I promise I’ll tell you when the time is right. But that’s not now.” Shawn looked at Gus, uncertainty clouding his eyes. Gus could tell that Shawn wasn’t just trying to get out of talking, so he nodded. Shawn sat back in his seat and looked up at the ceiling in thought. After a moment, he spoke again. “I guess I do have something else. When we were arresting that guy today-”

“Shawn. You aren’t actually a psychic. You don’t have to pretend with me that you believe him.”

“I know, I know. He just seemed… eerie. And you don’t need magic or whatever to do some messed up stuff, you know?”

Gus nodded. “I hear that. You said he talked about tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I guess we’ll know more tomorrow.” Shawn nodded. They started cleaning up, ready to get some sleep. Before they left, Shawn went over and hugged Gus. It had surprised him when his friend had started doing it awhile ago. But now they both appreciated this addition to their meeting routine.

“Have a good night.”

“You too, Shawn.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello.

Shawn jolted from what he thought was sleep to find himself in a void. He took a few breaths to steady himself before speaking into the darkness. “Hi, I guess. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but if we could return to my dream that would be great. You see-”

Oh, I don’t think so, Shawn Spencer. We have some things to discuss.

“Well. Since you have to be my subconscious, I’m sure we can find another time to discuss whatever things you’re talking about. You are with me all of the time. I think. I’d have to ask Gus, he knows more-”

Stop talking. The voice did not change from before, but Shawn felt a sense of dread wash over him. It continued. I am not a part of you, simply borrowing some of your headspace.

Shawn fought through the fear rising in his throat. “Well, in that case. I would welcome you and apologize for the mess, but seeing as you came uninvited, I feel I have to take a more aggressive approach.”

His skin crawled as a menacing laugh echoed around him. Shawn Spencer. A man who uses words to hide his terror. You talk and talk, hoping you can find what you need to find to save the people you love. The people you have sworn to protect. But you can never find the words to help yourself, can you? You search for new ways to quiet that voice in your head, screaming at you, telling you that you need to keep going, that you’re messing up, that you can’t protect them.

“Stop.” Shawn, surprisingly, kept his voice steady. But the voice went on.

So you talk and you talk, the only way you have to protect yourself. Well. I guess I know what I have to do, then.

Shawn waited, not wanting to find out what the voice meant. But as the seconds dragged on, the silence simply sat in the air around him, suffocating him, until he was compelled to break it. “So, I guess I’ll be going now?”

Yes. But remember. Shawn threw his hands up as he was suddenly surrounded by light. I told you that you would regret it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shawn jerked awake. Sorting through the curses running through his head, his half-asleep brain settled on a sigh melded with a silent scream.

Though his alarm had not gone off yet, it was close enough he figured he might as well get out of bed. The still-asleep half of him was displeased with this decision, but eventually fell to the arguments of ‘after that dream, I’m not sleeping anytime soon’.

As he got ready, he was quieter than usual. He didn’t know if he was still caught in the dream or just tired from the past few weeks. Probably didn’t matter. As he was contemplating this, his phone vibrated. He saw Gus’s face as he grabbed it, flopping down on his bed. He raised it up to his and said hello.

Well, he tried to say hello. Nothing came out. He tried again. Nothing.

“Shawn?” He grabbed at his throat in confusion. He could still breathe. His throat didn’t hurt. “Shawn, are you there?” He tried again. Nothing came out. “This isn’t funny.” He desperately tried to say his friend’s name, getting more and more scared as nothing worked. “Shawn, I’m going to-” Before Gus could finish, Shawn hung up.

What the hell was wrong with him?

He quickly texted Gus, fighting the panic swirling through his whole body.

I’m fine.

At least I think so.

I can’t talk

But I’m like alive and all

Shawn stop

And not kidnapped

SHAWN

Sorry

Ok, I’m going to come get you.

Ok. Thanks.

Shawn finished getting ready, the whole time trying to talk with no success. Finally, he ended up just screaming in his living room, desperate to make any noise. It didn’t work. But it did make him feel a little better. Soon enough, he heard a knock at the door. As soon as he opened it, Gus came in looking worried.

“So what exactly do you mean, you can’t talk?”

I mean I can’t talk. Of course, nothing came out, but Gus’s eyes still widened in understanding.

“Wow. Have you been sick?” Shawn shook his head. “Um. Well. What should we do?”

Shawn thought for a bit. Then he started doing something Gus vaguely recognized as ASL.

“Shawn, I don’t know sign language.” Shawn cursed and went over to his desk. After fishing around for a second, he found a bit of paper and a pencil and wrote something down. go to station. Keep working. I’m fine. Gus looked at Shawn, his face a mask of determination. “You sure?” Shawn nodded vigorously.

Gus shrugged and moved towards the door. Shawn went to get more paper. “Hey Shawn.” Shawn looked up. yeah? Gus tried not to react to his friend’s silent answer. “How do you know sign language?”

Shawn wrote on a scrap of paper and threw it at Gus. I dated a deaf girl in Connecticut. She was nice. Gus raised his eyebrows at the note. He knew he hadn’t heard all of Shawn’s stories, and at this rate, he didn’t think he ever would.

Another paper hit him on the shoulder. I want a pineapple smoothie too.

“Sounds good to me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Shawn and Gus showed up at the station, they found a furious head detective and his very confused partner. When they walked up, Juliet turned to them with an exhausted sigh. “He won’t talk. At all. I don’t know why.”

“Well, at least he can talk.” Juliet looked at Gus in confusion. He gestured at Shawn.

hi Jules. Her eyes widened. “Are you sick?” Shawn shook his head with a sideways glance at Gus. She turned back to Lassiter. “Is that what’s going on with you?”

Lassiter shook his head stiffly. Shawn pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled on it, handing it to Juliet. writing works for me. Also you look nice today. She smiled at him before turning to Lassiter. “Try writing it?”

Lassiter quickly found paper and a pen and wrote for a long time. Just as the other three got concerned about the novel they were about to read, he stopped, read it over, and handed it to them.

I woke up this morning. Got ready. Then I received a call from Chief Vick. But when I started talking, I could only speak in flowery idiocy. Rhyming and such. The chief was confused. I hung up. I tried everything but it always comes out weird.

Juliet looked up. “So you’re only talking in poems?” Lassiter nodded.

Gus chuckled. “Man, you’re probably lucky Shawn can’t talk right now, because-” Gus stopped mid sentence as he caught a glimpse of Shawn’s face. Shawn quickly wrote something down and handed it to Lassiter.

any weird dreams?

Lassiter looked into Shawn’s eyes and found no trace of humor. He slowly nodded. They pointed at each other, then down to the detention cells. Without a word, they both stalked towards the last person they thought they would have to deal with again.

Juliet and Gus looked at each other and followed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they got to the cell containing Adam, Shawn walked right up and banged the bars a few times. Adam looked up. Upon seeing who it was, he grinned and sauntered over, carefully staying out of reach.

“Well, well. You got here earlier than I expected.” He drank in the annoyed expressions in front of him before continuing. “I have to admit, I am curious what he ended up doing to you.”

“What do you mean by he?

Is it he that set this curse upon me?”

Shawn looked at Lassiter in shock. He glared back, clearly daring Shawn to do something. Their heads snapped back to Adam’s laughter.

“He gave you poetry speech? Incredible! I love his sense of humor.”

What the hell are you talking about? Adam looked at Shawn’s silent question in amusement. “You got silence. I like it.” He thought for a moment. “A little heavy handed maybe, but you probably need it.”

At that moment, Gus and Juliet came down the stairs. “What’s going on?”

Lassie and Shawn tried to speak at the same time.

“It seems this wicked man has gone

And put a curse on me and Shawn.”

This dude somehow did this!

Both scrunched up their faces at their own attempts. Behind them, Adam had started to laugh again.

“I see we have some friends that weren’t here yesterday. How delightful.”

Lassiter lunged at the bars while Shawn stepped between Adam and his friends.

don’t you dare

“Oh, don’t worry. I only made a deal to hurt whoever came yesterday. Your friends are safe.”

Shawn opened his mouth to speak, realized that wouldn’t help, and went to the wall to write something. Gus was staring wide-eyed into the cell and Lassiter was breathing heavily to the side, shooting murderous glances at Adam. Juliet mentally added to her job description and stepped forward.

“Adam, isn’t it?” He nodded. “Ok. Can you explain to us what you’re talking about?”

“Of course. See, you just had to ask nicely.” Shawn made a rude hand gesture at him, which he studiously ignored. “You see, I knew it was only a matter of time before your department found me. And I couldn’t go down without a fight, no? So I contacted an old friend of mine to curse whoever came in to arrest me.” At this point, Shawn hit Gus on the shoulder. His cry interrupted the conversation, at which point Shawn shoved a paper into Gus’s hand. Gus slowly read off the paper.

“I would like to note that calling not speaking a curse is insulting to people who actually cannot speak OR choose not to speak.” Gus looked up at Adam. “He has a point.” Shawn pointed at Gus triumphantly.

“Well, Shawn, that is a good point. However, if those people were forced to speak, it would be a curse for them. Thereby, making someone who does speak not able to is, to them, a curse. Is that better?” Shawn nodded.

“Are we really arguing semantics with a dude who cursed you?”

“Mr. Guster, Shawn is simply fighting for what he believes in. A core part of him that should be celebrated.”

“How did you know my name?”

“Guys, let’s get this sorted.” Juliet waited for the members of Psych to quiet down before turning back to Adam. “Ok. So we could probably sit here for a while discussing whos and whys, but let’s just focus on how we fix this.”

“A splendid idea, Detective O’Hara! It’s simple, really. My friend gave these two the curses for a reason. All they have to do is learn the lesson he was trying to teach, and it will be resolved!”

The four stared at Adam in confusion. “But wasn’t the lesson you were trying to teach them ‘don’t arrest me’?”

“Mr. Guster, that was the reason I asked my friend in! He found deeper things inside each of them he wants them to address. He isn’t an evil entity. Neither am I, really.” He thought for a second. “I guess I’m just...what do you say these days… oh, petty.”

“There once was a man who was terse

With Adam he didn’t want to converse.

He wanted him gone

In jail for quite long

But not til he fixed himself first.”

“Ooh, very nice, detective. I do truly wish you the best of luck.” Lassiter scowled at Adam before walking away. The rest went to follow him, but Adam called out to Shawn. Shawn gestured the rest of them to go, then walked back to the cell.

What do you want? Adam appraised Shawn. “I know who you are.” Shawn rolled his eyes and started to turn away. “I know you’re lying.” Shawn froze, but didn’t turn around. “But, I do appreciate you standing up for me, even if it was a joke.” Shawn’s back tensed up and he slowly turned around. You’re an asshole. Adam laughed. “Perhaps I am, Shawn, perhaps I am.” When he didn’t say any more, Shawn left him standing there, humming to himself.

Anyone who reads this, let me know if you want this continued or burned. Basic synopsis of the rest below this.

So, basically Shawn has anxiety and is currently trying to cope by just joking and not doing anything. He had a particularly bad attack after Yin, tried to research some meds, asked his dad, da and him fought.

Lassie is going to learn that words are not the enemy and that choosing the right ones are important, even when it’s not just for you.

Shawn is going to break down after not being able to talk, and be able to when he finally is ready to talk about exactly what he’s feeling.

Mental health hcs are based on a post I made.

#psychtober #anxiety #i write sometimes #for those following my psychtober on a03 I am not putting this here until its completion or abandonment #psych

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newhologram · 8 years

Text

2016 diary of a spoonie

Rereading my diary from 2016 for some perspective (not ready to open my 2015 one, I know it’s going to be even more difficult). Remembering some mental places I've been and that I made it through them and I’m still here.

Here are some parts I'm okay with sharing, hopefully it will help someone realize they are not alone and that as difficult as things get, there is so much more to life than being sick even if we have to deal with it often in isolation.

It’s also good to keep in mind that when we have illnesses that affect our brain/mood, it can drastically warp our perception of the world, our lives, and ourselves. That’s why I started trying to keep a diary, to record these moments when I’m not myself, when my illnesses make me think things that aren’t true, makes me have horrible tunnel vision, and then be able to look back on them when I’m not in that mental state and try to get an understanding of it.

(warning for suicide mentions in some excerpts because Mr. Brain can be kinda bananas sometimes, it’s pretty heavy and a lot of it is me scribbling when dissociating pretty badly so I say some weird things)

This is also probably a cautionary tale to NOT BE LIKE ME, I’m a bad spoonie. I can’t believe I forced myself to have such a full schedule, no wonder my body broke down by December.

1.5.16 8:49 PM: Everything in my life is so turbulent. Why? I feel like someone cut and pasted me here.

1.19.16 2:51 AM: I barely slept. Puked a little, dry heaved a lot, sweated so much. Cried my eyes out in the shower.

I have to leave for work in 2 hours. I hope it's not a long day.

I don't know where this mood swing came from. I feel so weak. I was just crying and crying because I can't stand myself. I can't stand being me. I feel so alone and lost. I feel so stupid.

3:18 AM: Dry heaved again. I'm shivering and I feel horrible. Why does this happen to me? I thought I was done with this. I feel like I'm shriveling up.

What's going to happen to me?

1.20.16 10:56 AM: Yesterday was rough. First depressive mood swing of this year. I suddenly felt like no one would ever love me. That I’m just an immature slob. A burden. A loser. Dirty.

I don’t even have a best friend. I’m not close with anyone. I can’t organize my room or my life. I just sort of work, play games, and sleep. I’m so lonely. I’m stressed and overwhelmed. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I live in a fantasy world but really I’m just alone here in my room.

I feel so pathetic. I feel so stupid. Who could ever love me?

1.26.16 4:59 PM: Wow! Worked 7am-3:18pm. Didn’t see Miss Piggy. Again!

But since I got out so early I was able to run and errand, do yoga, aerobics, read, and stuff.

Now is definitely meditation time but I’m worried I will fall asleep. Too tired to bathe/eat.

Going to open my heart chakra! Yay!

1.31.16 5:57 PM: Holy stress. Still no word about the shoot. Aaand there was some asshole.

Gotta let it go. They don’t dictate my day. I do. Only me. I am in charge. No one else.

2.3.16 10:48 PM: No spoons for laundry or putting clothes up. I desperately need to do that. My room is overflowing with clothes.

BAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(drawing of a newlamb)

たりないよ　(it’s not enough!)

2.5.16 10:54 PM: I feel so strange. Like I’m a thousand lifetimes apart from New. I don’t know who that person is.

I guess it’s okay not to know.

Right?

2.14.16 1:15 AM: よふかししてるの (I’m stayin’ up late)

Um... too much mental energy. Body is done and tired but my mind all よ～～～～～～～～～～！

Kinda woozy today. But I got FFX-2 running so I’ve been doing that. Maybe too much.

2.21.16 10:30 PM: Oops, 4 days of not writing in here.

I didn’t work Thursday. Friday I went to Hollywood w/ ______. We saw Frozen, she gave me my presents, we had tea and a chicken burger at Chado tea room and we goofed around doing touristy things. Had so much fun, I really missed her.

I was so tired I fell asleep at 8pm. I woke up at 3am but I was having so much fun sleeping that I just went back to sleep until 8am.

2.24.16 8:22 PM: I was having an okay day. I was doing okay. Right now I want to not exist. Two auditions tomorrow. What am I gonna do?

I wish I was never born.

I don’t feel much. Now would be a good time to do it. But I don’t want to hurt my dad.

Wish I had someone to talk to.

I’m so done. So done. So alone.

If I died a lot of people would be really sad but it wouldn’t change much.

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be me. I hate who I am. I hate me. I’m too stupid to work retail. I can’t do math. I can’t edit, I was too stupid for editing school. My body can’t work or I get sick.

I don’t know how I’ll be able to support myself. I can’t rely on my dream. It might not come true. I’ll be 30 in 4 years—will I still be living here, relying on my dad? I’m a joke. I’m not a real adult or person.

My cats would be sad if I died. Would they understand? I don’t want to hurt them either but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

I’m not okay right now but I have no one. I’m all alone.

A few tears came out.

That’s all I have.

2.25.16 1:12 PM: I’m so sad right now. The pain is already bad. I don’t have money for more edibles. I had to cancel one audition because I was too sick. Too depressed. Too much anxiety.

I went to Sprouts and very nearly had a freak out. I tried to meditate. I can’t focus on editing. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are caving in.

How am I gonna get out of this one? I’ve done it before. Time is crawling.

Bad pain spreading. Bad thoughts. bad urges. I need distractions but the problem is that I’m too depressed to actually focus on anything fun.

I can barely cry. It’s like a blockage.

FUUUUUCK!!!

(lots of scribbles)

2.26.16 12:05 PM: Much better today. Body is tired but I’m not depressed. Nope! Had a shoyuu tamago. Mm! It’s still really early but I think it’s time for a meditation nap.

3.2.16 10:03 PM: It’s March wtf... okay.

3.11.16 1:46 PM: I soar. I am worthy. My dreams will come true.

3.13.16 2:51 PM: It’s Nikki’s birthday.

I feel like all I do is edit, play games, RP, watch cartoons... :(

Even though I love that stuff, it doesn’t make me money. It makes me happy, so happy, but. Where am I going in my life?

I just feel so fragile I’m worried that if one day, my family snaps at me and says how they hate having to support me, that I won’t be able to take it. That I’ll run away, or worse. I’ve had some suicidal ideations lately. I feel like my family hates me. I know it’s silly but. Maybe at the very least they resent me.

:( I wish I wasn’t like this.

3.21.16 1:42 PM, Monday: It’s so hard not to feel like he [my dad] hates me. I keep having horrible dreams about fighting with him or other family like my sister. :(

Things will work out. Things will pay off.

Lots of pain right now. I have so much to do always. Always trying, always in pain, never have money.

Caught int he swirl.

I am something and someone.

3.28.16 1:19 PM: If I get that job it’s going to be really difficult to balance with bg work but what choice do I have? I can’t afford my bills right now.

(written out weekly schedule with a drawing of Bill crying and saying, “you can do it”)

I can do this. I can make it happen.

4.4.16 8:37 AM: Bad morning anxiety again. I kept waking up with my heart pounding. Dry-heaved a bit at 7am.

So much going on in my head. Wish I could stop it.

4.29.16 8:45 PM: Ugh!! MOOD DOWN, CAN’T FOCUS!! SAD!!

5.29.16 12:25 PM: Wow. Really been in la la land. Mood crazy. My period came 11 days late and I am 900% sure I felt a cyst pop.

I haven’t been meditating... I really need to get back into it so I won’t fall apart. also I lost out on 3 bookings, ugh. :( It’s just a dry spell. It will get better.

I just want to cry in bed. A lot.

6.13.16 8:52 PM: Whoops. I have no memory of actually writing that last post.

Still having a hard time with this summer depression... Trying to hang in there.

I had 2 insane customers stress me out the past 2 shifts. Shoots are still only about 1/week...

I’ve been keeping busy despite my health though. Been editing and stuff a lot, though rest breaks get me down.

BUT SO. I moved my room around. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

(drawing of my room before and after)

So much nicer. I think I’ve been sleeping better. And now there’s not all this junk space under my bed or to the side. Love it!

Well so... Friday I had a bad audition. It sucked so hard. Had to cry, tried to prepare, couldn’t cry... fuck.

Whatever. Life goes on. My confidence has sucked lately.

Sigh (drawing of New in lamb hat with eyes full of tears)

There was a bad shooting. Worst in US history, at a gay club in Florida. 49 dead. The whole world is crying. I feel numb.

6.14.16 11:45 PM: I love my dad more than anyone in the whole universe. He has done so much for me and other people. He deserves the best love. He deserves to be happy.

I’m so sick of women hurting him like this. He tries so hard to make things work.

I hope he’ll be okay.

I just want him to know how special he is.

6.28.16 1:11 PM: Colonoscopy and upper endoscopy in an hour. Period started. Depressed.

Keep making mistakes at my part-time job. Worried. Stressed.

Tuesday now, been eating nothing but jello since Saturday.

Just feeling really down about my situation. My health, work, school, friends. Everything.

I hate the snarling monster inside of me. I hate who it makes me. I hate myself for yelling at my dad yesterday.

I just really don’t like myself.

What can I do?

7.1.16 1:20 PM: Shooting a chronic pain thing in my room right now.

Camera in my face.

Feeling tired but pretty good.

7.24.16 10:38 PM: There’s so much to say but it’s late, gotta take my meds, and I got a shoot.

I release pain. I release guilt. Namaste.

8.11.16 2:22 PM: Why do things have to be so hard? I’m trying my best. I really am. But it’s not enough. Will it ever be enough? Will I ever live alone, be independent, be happy?

I feel like my dad resents me. I know he loves me but I just have so much pain and guilt for existing. I know I am capable of so much more and that life has so much to offer me... it’s just so hard.

9.3.16 8:17 PM: Hooey, it’s September. 3rd week with no bookings, taking an extra day at part-time job.

Since I’ve had all these days off I have been dividing my time to get things done, rest, play games, better myself. Even just a little at a time is good.

9.11.16 11:13 PM: Finally got work. Which means I worked 5 days. Yay.

I’m still trying to improve my writing. My problem is I never really have a plan—or I get stuck at words, instead of just writing.

9.12.16 10:49 PM: Oh, hell... My agent called today, I got booked on some shoot. But it’s for tomorrow, so. I can’t since now I work Tues as well. So last week I worked SUN, TUES, WED, THU, FRI... hooly shit. No wonder I feel awful.

Of course when I tried to talk to ___ about it they made me cry. Fuck. Been depressed all fucking day. Fuck fuck fuck.

I’m okay. I have distractions. I have coping methods.... I have myself. Soon is paychecks. I’m okay.

Tomorrow is... let’s see.

7 AM wake, meditate, yoga 8 AM tea, tumblr 9 AM edit 10 AM read 11 AM rest 12 PM ?????

I can do it.

9.23.16 12:27 PM, Friday: My body is struggling to keep up w this schedule.

I worked Sun Mon Tues Wed, had yesterday off, now I have to be at a shoot in a few hours. I’ve had to seriously up my self-care game to be able to do this. Tomorrow is school and acupuncture. I’ll be wiped out.

But... money! Also I’ve been meditating a lot with amethyst and rose quartz.

(a row of crystals)

On Mon my shoot was so hard, I was having such a rough time but then I met two cool Japanese women. One is Michiko Nishiwaki, a famous stunt woman. She and the (other) Michiko seemed really impressed by me and want me to get on TV. Yay.

Okay, I feel woozy so it is time to read.

10.11.16 12:12 pm: Last week was two kinds of intense.

SUN-WED: bad depression. bad pain. bad bad bad.

TH: Doc, got dmv handicap parking placard, bloodwork, x-rays, narcotics. FRI-SAT: pain so easy, feeling happy.

SUN: pain back after good massage

Now I’m feeling depressed again.

I’m so scared for my future. I just can’t bear the thought of still being in this situation at age 30.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

10.20.16 12:30 PM: I booked a short film. Happy about it but feeling depressed about my health again.

It’s like a merry-go-round.

(sad crying face)

10.31.16 11:46 PM: (arrow pointing to previous entry) I don’t remember writing that. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Well. Tomorrow is November.

Yikes. Where was I last year around this time? Only doing bg, no vlogs to edit. No Overwatch.

What did I do during down time? How did I keep sane?

This year has brought a lot of change, but ti’s easy to see it only as the same because my career is so slow going.

Just keep swimming.

11.25.16 4:15 AM: I start my hostessing job in 5 hours. New job. 3rd job.

Idk. I’m so sad rn. Anxious. Woke up w racing heart. Pukey. I wanna cry.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

12.1.16 9:48 PM: I threw up a lot, just now recovering a week later.

Things:

New job: shift got cut Tuesday

Universe made up for it by having casting call me with work. Cult member. Very far but this should be interesting.

Doc today gave me gave more tramadol + xanax ☆ Nice.

it’s December wtf

Made a Patreon

12.12.16 10:02 PM: Energy is focused. Going to set up 2017 to be a great year.

12.16.16 3:07 PM: I intend to heal. I feel terrific. I love myself. I release guilt. The universe supports me. Today I expect that something wonderful is going to happen.

My Dharma is to guide, inspire, teach, and help.

All is perfect. All is well.

#spoonie #chronic illness #fibromyalgia #narcolepsy #invisible illnesses #personal #teku #long post #suicide mention

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