#no but this scenario is actually so complicated. dean was right in the end BUT

[stanfordapartment]

'it's not something that you're doing, it's what you are' and 'SAY IT' and 'it means you're a monster'

[urne-buriall]

seeing some posts about how Dean crucially loves and hates John reminds me of my feelings about John being down the road in the heaven ending, and how we can read that as a final turn of the screw in the "Chuck Won" narrative

because I think that if you were to ask Dean if he'd want his father around in his heaven, he wouldn't know how to answer. part of him would flinch but want to say no, this is a place he's supposed to be happy and free and that's not what life around his father was like. but another part of him would say of course his father deserves to be in heaven, certainly doesn't deserve to be in hell at least, and fears it's mean-spirited and disloyal not to really want his dad around

and what would make Dean happy is if he didn't have to make that choice and someone else just makes it for him. and that's how he would know what's wrong or right. this guy is used to just being thrown into scenarios and responding accordingly, he's so used to not having control or putting into words the things he actually, deep down, truly wants

so John is in heaven and the choice is made for him and part of Dean is like "okay, so I guess this is what I'm supposed to want/this is how things are supposed to be." and he can work with these circumstances because he does want a connection with his father, and he's gonna think it's on him to deal with the complicated mess of insecurity and worthlessness that still gets summoned up when he's around John

but this extremely negative swill of emotions that you know must still be at play just doesn't seem like a heavenly reward or "peace when you are done"

so heaven is not paradise and bliss, it's something else

[minalblood]

Aaan we're back with ep 4. John heavy ep 4. This will be a lot,but I actually dont want to focus on John with it. I will reference to him because he's literally going through an episode long ptsd attack and there's a lot to discuss with that, but there are so many other interesting facets about this episode. We also get kyle here.

But sure let's discuss John 1st tho. So his response to dealing with his ptsd flashbacks is distracting it with violence. Now i do want to make something clear here. I dont think necessarily that chanelling his very complicated emotions into action is bad per se here, if this was productive tho. But with John, unlike several othera ih this episode like Mary and Carlos, he isn't productive about it. For Mary we see that she is chanelling her own complicated emotions into training and getting John to partake, but it only slightly works. Same with Carlos, they focus their own issues into their hunting. John however does not. He tries to let it out through hunting, but really qhat works is just punching something as seen in the bathroom. Its not about chanelling it into something, but just violence qhich is why his hands no longer shake after punching the dispenser even tho all that action is is destructive. He also is very much either unaware of or actively ignoring his limits, because he's given several outs before getting himself in the group session and severely triggered. Mary alone gives him at least 2 or 3 outs. But she, like everyone, assumes he can make his own choices and can handle himself so when he saya he's good, then they trust it. Which isnt an issue, they are right to trust him on his own limits. But he very much isnt listening to them.

Now lets talk Carlos a bit, because we have some fun stuff for him too. 1stly we find out he was navy medic. That alone tells me some stuff and also very much reminds me of Dean in Pac-Man Fever. But it also firmly speaks back.to what we've been seeing from Carlos the past 3 episodes. Ive been mentioning that theue role in ep 1-3 was more support, was thw one in the background, doing the job, efficiently, not in the foreground as a soldier, but nonetheless vital. The fact thay they were medic makes perfect sense in this context, because as medic the goal was to ensure the frontline fighters were able and ready to jump back in and thay was what Carlos has been doing the past few episode. Then we have the story during group therapy that slots into place the ways he's been supporting everyone. Because while John is deing with severe survivors guilt and an exacerbated sense of responsibility which imo is why its much easier for him to have a black and white view of the situation, Carlos could've had the same issue, especially as a medic where, unlike John's self imposed responsibility, ut was literally their job to keep people alive and certainly couldn't through their time serving, not everyone. And even then, Carlos' takeaway wasn't to demonize the other side who was responsible for the people Carlos was in charge of saving ending up under their care, but rather saw the enemy and understood clearly that they too likely got pulled into this war against their wishes for some, lost people and experience the horror.and loss that the war brought same as Carlos. That speaks to a high level of empathy, something we've already seen Carlos display the first 3 episode but it makes it even clearer here that its a trait they've had foe a long long time and its one thats been honed and tested.

Then we have Mary and Lata, both of whom are dealing with the loss of Maggie and what effects this had on them. So if for John and Carlos we have the magnitude of war combined with personal loss, for Mary and Lata we have the very personal loss of Maggie reflected through the magnitude of hunting life. Which is why I think the episode has Carols and John confrunting (for better or worse) their loss in a group setting while Mary and Lata are in a one on ine scenario either just by themselves or talking to a singular person (Kyle). And why their confruntation of the loss happens in a quieter way via going to Maggies room and acknowledging that loss properly and thus reconnecting with who Maggie was, to them, and remembering her and understanding her which in turn leads to them understaning themselves a bit.

A quick line about Millie here. I think "her words are cheap, actions speak louder" attitude isnt necessarily a problem per se, the issue is that that saying refers to words are cheap if your actions dont match them, not that you shouldn't talk about things. And thats where the issue lands, because Millies actions have actually been kinda counter to her words and not in a good way the last few episode because she's said things that were a problem and acted correctly and did things that were a problem and said the correct thing, but til now its very rarely been actions matching her words. This ep is actually where we start seeing the shift into a Millie that us more aligned in her meanings. Having her verbally be there for John and the physically as well at the end of the episode. It's not perfect, both her actions ans words are both flawed this episode in various moments, but they are aligned.

And finally Mars Neto and the fucking sheer amount of Michael parallels/references in this episode. It drives me insane! Its the mention of John's destiny, the fact that Neto uses a spear, thay he wants John to be his own personal human weapon, the fact that Mars Neto isnt even the God of War himself, but rather in Lata's words, based on the Roman God of War, this emulating Mars the way Michael tried to emulate Chuck while ruling Heaven. I just cannot ignore the Michael of it all. And I also cant ignore that the way he dies is heavily reminiscent of how Dean, under the Mark of Cain, another older brother who echoed Michael and who's outright referenced by Neto when speaking of the centuries of blood and violence in John"s blood, killed Abaddon. The violence of it is echoed here and the issue with that violence ia too. Because while killing Neto is a good thing, like killing Abaddon was, the ultimate take from the battle is that John did not do the right thing because of the rage, juat like killing Abaddon spoke of the Marks influence over Dean.

And finally, we have the conclusion, of Mary and Lata starting to heal from their loss in a trubute to Maggie herself, Carlos going to therapy and John, isolating himself with only Millie there to comfort him, but even that is moreso because Millie goes out to search foe him, and not because he seeks out help.

This is a very rough episode to watch for me, for a miryad of reasons, but thats also why it's onw of my favorites too.

See y'all for ep 5.

P.S. The "uncle Samuel scremed at me" in Maggies postcard? Hurt my soul and made say a "fuck Samuel Campbell" and also is a perfect throwaway line in this ep to segway into ep 5 which is a Mary heavy one.

[losecaslose]

so. losecaslose. the ultimate scenario for me would be in like. season nine. start with dean and cas sleeping together exactly once, early in the season. at a point where cas is at his lowest and this would be the worst possible thing for his mental health, maybe 9x06 fanfiction gap. they never talk about it but it really messes with cas' head.

then later in the season, when sam is angry at dean and maybe even thinking of leaving, dean sort of. implies at cas that if he wants to help keep the peace, keep the family together, he should sleep with sam. dean doesn’t say this outright, because he himself can’t look at what he’s implying: it would be acknowledging too much, it’s too gross. it’s too obviously an attempt to control sam, it’s too obviously treating cas like a tool, and in the end it’s also too gay. not to mention the layers of discomfort he feels at sharing a lover with his brother, the jealousy, the grossness, the impropriety, made even worse by the fact that he cannot even acknowledge this particular lover. like, dean is Not Thinking About Stuff so hard right now.

but cas, cas picks up dean’s meaning, and he is happy to oblige. he feels used, but what else is new. more importantly, he is burrowing himself deeper into the fabric of the winchester family, making himself not only useful but also un-excisable. and he’s keeping the family together. cas is intensely community and family oriented, what he wants most is harmony and connection. this gives him both.

now, when cas comes to sam with this, sam sees through it pretty quickly. sam knows dean is pulling cas’ strings, he’s already heard cas defending dean and trying to get the brothers back together for dean’s sake. and hell, he knows cas is in love with dean. but the thing is… sam’s life is pretty bad right now. and cas, as much as he is an emblem of dean’s control, is also a source of calm and affection in sam’s life. sam isn’t strong enough right now to turn down a bit of cuddling and handholding, he needs the support too badly. so he and cas fall into a relationship of sorts.

they continue this way, sam and cas sleeping together while cas also receives a lot of approval from dean for doing this and dean drinks himself to sleep unable to contemplate the horrific web he helped to weave, until dean dies in 9x23. this messes with their relationship a bit, as it totally destroys cas emotionally, and sam is unable to really support him, since he has his own far more complicated emotions around dean’s death to deal with. it also doesn’t really help that cas is weakening, and will soon die, but refuses any offer of sam’s help, since that would require the death of another angel. but they continue sleeping together, sometimes.

then, 10x03 happens. just like in canon, cas plays go between: instead of the brothers actually reconciling with each other, cas does their reconciling for them, going to each of them and emotionally processing the events of the episode. but when cas goes to dean, dean is vulnerable. desperate for affection. he’s also kind of ruined his own closet for himself by having lots of gay sex as a demon. and, most crucially, he’s realized that cas is the only thing keeping this family together. so, in a moment of weakness, he convinces cas to have sex with him (it’s not very hard). this isn’t exactly cheating, as cas’ obsession with dean is an unspoken presence throughout sam and cas’ relationship. instead, it binds them all in a tighter knot. cas starts sleeping with both of them on a regular basis. sam and dean can barely look at each other, while cas is on cloud nine, basking in being the emotional heart of the family, even if the winchesters treat him more like a large pet than a person, since this arrangement is only comfortable for the brothers if they both dehumanize cas a little bit, and even if he has to do all the emotional processing for the whole family. the brothers, meanwhile, are happier for all the unconditional love, free therapy, emotional support, and physical affection they’re getting from cas, but both are tortured by the nature of the arrangement: sam, because he knows that in the end it’s an extension of dean’s control over him and participating is aquiescing, and dean because the non-normativity of the arrangement gives him hives, and furthermore, because no matter how much this whole thing started as an attempt to control sam, the fact that sam and cas are in a sexual relationship means that there’s a part of each of them that he cannot control.

alright now we're cooking!!

season nine is such a good place to put it too because it's such a big turning point in all the brother conflict. also the underlying issue with first born as a sastiel episode is that cas is so aggressively team "you should forgive dean for all ills." like we sastiel girlies love it for the ~nothing is worth losing you~ moment and rightly so. but also cas spends part of the ep trying to convince sam that what dean did was fine, actually. so not fixing that and having them sleeping together?? specifically because cas feels like dean told him too? mwah. perfect.

this has to impact the whole "situations reversed, i wouldn't" conversation, at least in the vibe it has. because now sam is both willing to let dean die (or rather, stay dead) and also has this ongoing relationship with cas that dean doesn't really have. like it puts dean in this position of not really having anything. sam has the upper hand in their relationship in the sense that he (in dean's mind) cares less and he has cas in some way that dean doesn't have.

also thinking about what this implies for sam's sexuality? dean is closeted pre-demon dean, but if dean is implying to cas that cas should sleep with sam, presumably dean knows sam is interested in men (or at least cas). so. that's just a tangent. i am mulling over.

and then you have the rest of season ten and beyond with this dynamic. i haven't seen a large chunk of s10 but i feel like the prisoner would ofc be a bit more {bass boosted} in this scenario.

also assuming they manage to maintain some version this dynamic into s11 i think the lucifer stuff would get insane. but also it's like a whole basket of fun ways to psychologically torture the winchesters just handed to him on a silver platter. i think he'd break up with one of them just for the drama.

[sweetfierceimagines]

PART1/ It was supposed to be simple.  Ricky x Reader (HSMTM)

Hello everyone, I’ve been trying really hard to write lately, and it has been very complicated. I think you all understand, when everything is not ok in someone’s life, that someone kind of loses it.

But I decided to fight that, I least trying !

I discovered the series High School Musical the Musical and even though I’m 24 and supposed to be over this kind of drama, I’M CLEARLY NOT.

Synopsis : Reader is a student, she’s not technically involved in the Musical like everyone else, but she helps with costumes making and set management. Ricky gets to know her and even though he really wants to get Nini back and has a whole plan for it, life decides to mess with him, and he gets involved in a new sentimental obsession.

Warnings : none. Probably not my best writing, please be kind to me.. Just a lot of fluff and teenage drama ! Enjoy <3

Tell me if you want this to carry on ! I’ll be glad to write a part 2 if you like it :)

RICKY POV/

Here he was, playing Troy Bolton in this Musical. He would never have done it if it wasn’t for Nini.

He understood her, understood her pain, understood why she chose that stupid E.J. But he was not going to abandon. It was not because he didn’t reply that he didn’t mean it. 

So he enroled (quite amazingly by the way) in this musical. He was dancing, singing, acting.. He never thought it could actually be this fun and exhausting. He seemed to be reaching Nini’s heart more and more each day, as she was also realising that EJ was not as perfect as he pretended to be.

But something was about to mess up all his plans.

READER POV/

The school was all about that Musical. It seemed as if every other activity and class was less important and didn’t deserve that much attention. Y/N was not a singer, not a dancer. She didn’t play any instrument, she didn’t like to be under the spotlights.

She was all about reading, writing and creating. So when the art class shut down for “fund purposes” (basically meaning this musical was costing the school too much), she had to find another way to create. 

So she went for it. Asked Miss Jenn if she needed someone for her costumes and decor management, and simply started to work on the set. She wasn’t the only one working on costumes and on stage management, but she clearly was the best of the team.

And it was appreciated.

After just a few weeks, she was named “stage and costume director”, whatever that means. Even though she was pretending she didn’t care, it sort of made her feel validated, and allowed her to create as much as she wanted to, which was pretty amazing. 

RICKY POV/

It was one of these days.

Everything seemed to fall apart. His parents were ending their relationship, his mom would probably leave for a long time, Nini still supported EJ even though he was making mistakes for which she would have dumped him..

He felt like everything he was doing was not good enough and it was hard to deal with. He was not usually shy with his feelings, but this time he didn’t feel like sharing. So he stayed late, very late, at school, and waited for everyone to leave stage to show up.

He was sure no one was there, so he let his emotions speak and just let it out. He started by talking to himself, making moves and being loud. He was talking about his family, his fear of being abandonned, his fear of never being loved again, the pain of knowing he lost Nini because he didn’t deserve her back there, the impression that EJ was a better man than he was.. he could go for hours.

And then he started singing.

A couple sentences from numerous songs. Songs about love, songs about pain, songs about courage. He closed his eyes and sang his heart out. It was beautiful, strong, sincere. It would have tear anyone’s heart.

And it did.

READER POV/

Y/N was staying late, as usual. She had a special authorisation from Miss Jenn and the Dean to stay extra hours backstage, working of costumes or just on personnal projects.

At school at least, she didn’t have to deal with noise, with family issues of with anything that could poison her creativity.

She was painting when she heard a noise.

Startled, she sort of went in panic mode, imagining a hundred scenarios in which she would get in troubles. She walked smoothly to the stage entrance and remained out of sight while looking at the boy who played Troy basically loosing his mind on stage.

She could have told him that he was not alone, she was actually about to signal her presence out of respect for what he was revealing, when he started singing.

It made Y/N go numb, as if she left her body and could feel her soul burning of compassion. His voice was everything, his face was everything.

She didn’t realise, but she was crying silently.

After a couple minutes, she realised she was actually holding her breath. She breathed heavily and stumbled, making Ricky realise he was not alone at all.

The boy jumped and fell down, hurting himself quite badly.

Y/N came rushing at him, feeling terribly sorry for what happened.

RICKY POV/

- Man ! Couldn’t you say you were here?!

Ricky was flaming red, embarrassed that someone heard everything. He looked at this girl’s face and it honestly took him a few seconds to remember who she was. Yes, she was on stage pretty much each day, but at some point he got so obsessed with the Musical and Nini that he completly forgot about the environment he was evolving in.

She was pretty, her Y/E/C eyes looking terrified and guilty, and it seemed as she cried recently, her eyes a bit red.

He stood up and winced, lifting his shirt a bit to realise he was going to get bruses all over his chest and stomach.

- I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to interrupt or even listen. Seriously, I was going to tell you, i’m not a creep. Well, not that kind at least..

- Yeah? You were going to? Seems like you had plenty of time.

He sighed and headed backstage to inspect his clothes and body in the miror, assessing at bad it was.

Y/N followed, staying a few meters away to give him some space. She didn’t say anything, feeling guilty enough.

Ricky took his shirt out completly, looking at his body. Y/N could tell he was contracting a bit his abs and arms and let out a silent laugh. She observed for a couple minutes and finally talked.

- You riped your shirt a bit.

Ricky turned, facing her, looking anoyed, and lifted his arms.

- No joke ! Who’s falt is it?

- You’re the one who fell dude.

He opened his mouth to answer right back but her cheekiness cheered him a bit, and he simply nodded his head.

- Yeah, I’ll blame gravity next time I see her. A real troublemaker that one.

He looked at his shirt and sighed. He didn’t know anything about sewing and his mom would probably have other things to do. Too bad, it was his favorite old school shirt.

Y/N stretched her hand toward him and he gave her his shirt. Still shirtless, he looked as she sat down where it seemed like she was staying most of the time, in a corner with painting all over, needles and fabric. She grabed one needle, easily got the thread in and started sewing, with a hand technique that showed how used to it she was.

He looked around, noticing one painting that seemed to still be in progress. He got closer, reaching his hand to it.

- Don’t ! It’s wet, I was on it when I heard you.

He turned around, looking at her in another way. She was pretty impressive, painting stuff, sewing shirts and managing a stage so well people didn’t even realised she was here.

- That’s sick.

He said with a smile.

She looked back at him and nodded, smiling at him too.

- Thanks. I usually plan what I’m going to do but this one.. it just came to me.

He looked closer, noticing a female silouette, somehow looking cut in some parts. Not cut as stabbed, but cut as split in different sections.

- What do you think it is?

Y/N said while carrying on her sewing. She acted as she was not looking at him, but each time he got his attention back at the painting, she would look at him, trying to anticipate his reactions.

- Hum.. It’s a.. it’s a woman? Right?

He would turn to her, as if he was looking for her validation for each word he said. She simply nodded, encouraging him to carry on.

- It’s a woman, and this woman is split. She.. Maybe because she went through a lot, maybe the different sections represent different emotions? Different moments of her life?

He remained silent for a second and looked with intensity at the painting. His eyebrows frown and he suddently looked sad.

- Maybe because she can’t be whole again. She has to be split. She has to try to deal with these conflicting emotions, these ups and downs. Maybe people tell her she should be grateful, and happy, and she should move on. But she can’t, because life cut her in several pieces.

And a tear rolled down his cheek.

Y/N stood up, mooving carefully toward him, and put a gentle hand on his (still naked) shoulder. She could feel him shaking a bit, deeply moved by what he felt from the painting. 

- Ricky.. it’s ok.

He turned, facing her, his eyes still filled with tears. He didn’t quite knew why, but he didn’t feel like looking anything but himself with her. After all, she knew how he was feeling, she heard what he said, and she felt what he felt.

The way she was looking at him.. Conforting, warm, yet terrifying. She understood.

He put his hand on hers, squeezing it as if it would make him feel better. He was here, facing her, hand on hand, eyes to eyes.

Suddenly, the speaker went on, the voice of a security guy telling “Miss Y/N, time to close the school. Sorry”

This sort of broke the moment. They broke the physical contact and she gave him his shirt back. They both gathered their stuff and silently headed to the front door, thanking the security guard for his patience.

They smiled at each other and Ricky waved goodbye, whatching as she was quitely leaving of her bike.

[curioussubjects]

You seem to have a way of understanding dean on a better level than a lot of us. What do you think of what jensen said about dean wasting his life away at the back of a pool bar if Sam was the one who had died? I'm having a hard time processing what he said and I'm still upset that jensen sees dean as still heavily codependent. Idk I'm uncomfortable that it came from jensen as opposed to anyone else. He let me down...

Ok, so this is a complicated question with a complicated answer. First, I want to say that I completely understand why people are upset. My immediate reaction was the same, tbh. But here’s the thing: Jensen was right, but he said it wrong. I realize the Jensen is right is, afaik, and on my dash at least, the main opinion going around, but the reason is more nuanced than the conventional wisdom. Sure, yeah, we know how Dean reacts to loss, and we’ve seen that kind of despair take him nowhere good (hello Advanced Thanatology), but that’s not why Dean had to be the one to die. 

If you’ve been around my blog (and other polol folks, too) you might have noticed I’m on the Dean was always supposed to die camp. Not only that, but the dying in this case doesn’t mean the end but ascension. That is, it’s a death solely of the body in which the soul goes on to live it’s truest life free from the suffering of material existence, of suffering. Something that is achieved by actualization of the self. Death, in the philosophy informing the mytharc for Dabb’s run and s15 most loudly, is transformation. A refining of the self, say. In this ‘heaven” is meant to be what’s True, and Real, and Free (”what would you rather have, peace or freedom?” [both]).

Cool beans, but why does this matter. Well, I’m gonna quote my much less eloquent screaming from discord:

jensen IS right, but he SAID IT WRONG because the story never manifested itself [in 20]. so he described a hopeless dean wasting away which is so not what dean's death meant to portend. nothing wasting. nothing about hopelessness. he would cross and move on to LIVE HIS ACTUAL LIFE with his family, with his beloved, and he would welcome sam and sam's family (who would be dean's family, too) on that bridge and dean would still have a mission and i just aaaaaaaargh. BECAUSE HE WASNT MEANT TO DRIVE AROUND [pointlessly in heaven] EITHER

What I mean here is that Dean surviving and Sam being the one to die would only underscore how Not of Earth Dean was anymore. He didn’t belong there anymore. Everyone he loves, all he could ever need, or want, or dream, was somewhere else. Sam, on the other hand, did in fact have specific things to accomplish on earth still before being ready to ascend. Sam had Eileen and the MoL and the new hunter gen. As Jensen said, Sam had a bigger picture he was invested in, while Dean has always been about his family. Dean had said he was ready to retire if he knew the world was safe. Dean surviving instead of Sam would leave him wholly alone (yes, I know, Jody, Donna, and Claire, but for all Dean cares for them, they aren’t Sam and Cas. Mary, Bobby, Charlie). 

If we think of death as a door and not an end, and assuming a finale that isn’t completely botched: Dean surviving alone would make his worst case scenario real in that he doesn’t have his family, he doesn’t have the people he loves to share things with. There would be only the job and dying bloody and alone. Meanwhile Sam would be in heaven never having come into his own as a leader. He wouldn’t have Eileen. The flipside, that is, the finale we didn’t get, would have Dean being around all his favorite people except Sam. BUT he would know Sam was following a path on his own right, he’d have a goal, he’d have a family. And then they’d reunite and never part. 

The reason I’m saying this is because if one of the has to die, it has to be Dean because everything falls into place with the exception of the momentary separation between him and Sam. A separation that needs to happen because Dean needs to let go of the burden to “protect Sam” and Sam needs to walk on his own legs without his big brother/parent. It’s a growing up and letting go story before reunion. Where both Sam and Dean would be in environments conductive to them thriving. It’s the final blow to that toxic codependency. 

Again, from my discord screaming: 

ugh what a perfect microcosm of the finale: the essence of what jensen said is right, but the form of it, the way it was presented was all wrong. and i cant even fault him that badly because idk how much he does know, if he has only a pitch, how much he knew of the intended ending. we just don't know. we don't know what is ignorance and what is misunderstanding, or what is just good old misreading.

The proposal of the finale only works if properly delivered, I think something like that happened today, too. I don’t know to what extent it’s Jensen misspeaking (because it’s a finicky topic that is rather hard to explain) or being ignorant of the full scope of the mytharc (knowing he doesn’t actually watch the show). 

At the end of the day, what Jensen says or doesn’t say doesn’t change the textual meanings of Supernatural. I know we want validation, and that we want our fave to agree with us, but the bottom line is that there’s only so much Jensen can say. And ultimately it doesn’t affect the story one bit. 

Did...all this kinda answer your question? I know it got way long, but there’s a lot here skdjhfalksdjfhalsd Y’all can send more asks if you need clarification on any of this mess.

[hawkland]

(Mostly) Destiel Fic Recs #5

This is a LONG recs post because it’s been a while since I did an update and I fell hard into reading one author’s work (DeanRH). In fact I could easily do a rec post just of their fics alone, but for this round I’m just going to pick out a handful of my absolute favorites so far, the ones I’d recommend to start out with, along with more other authors’ works I’ve especially enjoyed lately.

Absolution at the Five-and-Dime by DeanRH (125k)  - this is perhaps THEE DeanRH fic to start with if you want a good, long read with a little bit of everything (Roadtrips! Intriguing casefic! Americana! Tasty Dean/Cas pining! Wing!kink and unique angel lore! Kinky soul fisting and tentacles!) It’s kind of two of parallel stories in one: the first, a flashback to Dean and Sam's first year hunting on their own (as well as trying to avoid hunting, and John in general); the second on how Dean and Cas finally get together during an unusual case and when Dean is able to really let go of his past trauma and accept himself/accept love from Cas. 

What I love about DeanRH’s work is that they write from the unique point of view of a drifter, so they understand living on the road, traveling place to place, and the highs and lows of that life like no others I’ve encountered in SPN before. (The author’s notes are often as much fun to read as the stories themselves). They also write a kickass angel!Cas and never lose sight of his non-human traits and background. Their writing style is unique - almost poetic in nature, and I know some readers have found it difficult to get into. But it works really well for me in their SPN fic...gives it the flavor of oral story telling as might actually happen at a drifter’s camp (with one story written exactly as such). Be warned this particular fic does play up the idea of John Winchester being mentally abusive and Dean having to turn tricks when he was younger in order to support him and Sam, so there is some dark stuff. But as someone who grew up with mentally abusive parent, reading this was extremely cathartic to me and believably written (unlike some stories that go too over the top with abusive John, or just don't understand how that kind of abuse leaves lifetime psychological scars.)

The rest of this round’s recs below the cut.

Carnevale by DeanRH (18k) - Actually the first fic by this author I read, because I just couldn’t resist a story set in my favorite place in the world, Venice, Italy. Castiel is the Angel of Venice, banished there for so long he does not even know or remember the reasons why. But Carnevale season is the one time a year he can let his wings out - figuratively and literally. And during this particular Carnevale season, he meets an intriguing masked young American tourist there with his brother and their one night stand turns into something far more powerful than either expected. This one’s hot, romantic, and achingly sad at the end as it all ties together unexpectedly with canon-verse...though with a hint for the future so it’s definitely not totally sad. I loved how DeanRH clearly understands Venice as a fellow lover of the city, the side of it most tourists never see unless they spend a long time there. This story made me cry just from wanting to be back in Venice again.

Ice cream was sweeter, food more satisfying, everything was an epicurean delight. There was just something magical about Venice, and he had lived here in the city for hundreds of years, so the shine should have worn off by now.

But it didn't, and there was always something more, something wonderful to discover around the next corner. The painted eaves of a church. The beauty of two women dancing with flowers in their teeth across the Piazza San Marco one day, overcome by the sheer joy of just being there. The way the university students still created Venetian masks, like Castiel's extravagant volto mask and Dean's humble servetta muta, with crafts that had been handed down across the generations. The morning silence that lay against the stones.

Hard Landing by DeanRH (26.9k) - A bit similar in theme to Carnevale. A pre-series Dean and Sam are sight-seeing in Spain when an angel, struck by a babel-spell, crash lands right in front of Dean. A strange yet seriously hot encounter with the angel turns into something much more complicated when the brothers return home and realize something more serious is afoot and they are both trapped in the middle of it. This is another story where things are very much not as they seem at first (as fun as that is!) It features master strategist Cas at his best, with a side helping of delightful trickery care of Gabriel and Balthazar as they deal with Lucifer, Michael...and a few others along the way.

The Sacred Band of Thebes by DeanRH (14.5k) - The last DeanRH fic I’m gonna allow myself to include in this round up, because it’s just very soft and sweet and beautiful - for a story about Dean & Cas being magically transported back in time to ancient Sparta! This is another story infused with a great knowledge of place and history, with some wonderfully delightful original characters added in that make it all the more enjoyable to read.

And now on to some other authors, I promise!

IPAMIS OL OLPRIT by emmbrancsxx0 (56k). A really wonderful fic that take a different look at what might have happened with a temporarily resurrected John Winchester during Season 14. Dean & Cas are in an established relationship here, and John here isn’t too happy about it — though mostly because he sees Cas (and Jack) as monsters, the kind of monsters he spent his lifetime hunting. This is a great fic for the emotional complexity of how John, Dean and Cas are all handled. John isn’t a cardboard evil dad, Dean is struggling between his loyalty to his father and to Cas, and Cas is increasingly bitchy/frustrated at Dean still being so desperate for his father’s approval (and all the more complex for not just being a quietly suffering perfect supporting boyfriend.) There’s some great action sequences in this too along with the emotional angst and a delicious dose of hurt!Cas if that’s your thing (as it is for me :D)

Abrenuntio by Neonbat (51k). A very dark but compelling AU take on the/a apocalypse universe. Dean, Sam and John are all alive in this post-angel war-apocalyptic world. They are part of a group of human survivors fighting against the angel army when they manage to capture “Blue” — a particularly feared angel of death. Dean is tasked with bringing Blue in for interrogation and he becomes a prisoner in their camp after John is killed. As mentioned, this is a pretty dark/sad fic (with some rather gruesome torture scenes) but I still found it quite compelling as a look at how things could have gone in some other parallel universe. And somehow the author manages to make the Dean/Cas relationship come together despite them starting out as complete enemies. This is one of those AUs that works for me because the core of the characters really shine through despite the differences in the setting.

if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee (37k) - a gorgeous post-Empty rescue fic that takes an approach I haven’t really seen explored in detail before (despite being something I’ve actually thought about as something that could’ve happened.) What if Cas has spent so long denying himself happiness, and then trapped in regrets and false-rescue scenarios created by the Empty, that he can’t trust that his rescue is real? And so he runs off to be on his own - literally stealing the Impala because he can’t handle being in Dean’s presence one moment longer - and only slowly comes to terms with the idea that it’s over now and he can be happy with/around his friends and family. This one’s both deliciously angsty and at times funny/sweet, looking at Cas’s relationships not just with Dean but with Sam, Jack, Claire, even Eileen. It does some fun stuff with other returned angels and demons who now find themselves back on Earth (and human), and...I just really enjoyed this one a lot.

Both Saved and Lost by angelfishofthelord (13.7k) Gen Cas character study, absolutely gorgeous and sad and one of those fic I couldn’t stop thinking about the day after reading it. AU where Apocaverse!Cas isn’t immediately killed by our Cas during 13x22 but instead hitches a ride back to the main ‘verse. Dean and Sam want to keep him alive for information on Michael; Cas is torn and trying to figure out just how similar—or different—they really are. Some great angel stuff here (I also highly recommend this author’s Jack & Cas “dadstiel” fics, they’re equally lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.)

flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k) - THEE “What exactly did Dean eat in Purgatory, anyway?” fic you’ve probably already heard about. *cough* I’ve been trying to work up the courage to read this one for a while and finally gave in and OH MY CHUCK I’m so glad I did. It’s perversely disturbing and beautiful at the same time, Cas is wonderfully DERANGED and ALIEN in that way that I love it when fics managed to convey just how much angels are NOT human. Do heed the tags.

Full of Grace by ilovehowyouletmefall (11k) - Another one for the weird-as-fuck-angel!Cas lovers’ list. Heaven/canon-compliant fic where Dean knows he should feel happy and at peace but he just...isn’t, even with Cas and all of his friends and family there. He finally goes looking for Cas when he’s been absent for a time and, for the first time, gets to not just see but experience his true form. Another one that hits some kinks I knew I had and others I didn’t...until now. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

don't ask me where i've been by saltwound / @1x06 (8k) - I can never resist a good 09x06 fiction gap fic! What makes this one really stand out is how well it captures Cas’s internal voice - his struggles adapting to human senses, limitations and emotions versus what/how he experienced things as an angel. The longing and feelings between Dean & Cas here are so achingly beautiful and I just wanted to cry when Cas says he misses hearing Dean’s prayers, so Dean, he...oh, I’m not going to spoil it. *happy sigh* Just read it.

this room is wrong by DarkHeartInTheSky (12k) - Sometimes I like torturing myself with some good 15x03 divorce arc angst and this fic hit that button just so. It’s an alternative take on where Cas might have ended up after leaving the bunker and features some great Cas & Sam friendship feels, when Sam sets out to try to bring Cas home. It’s all the stuff you’d wish the writers would’ve let them talk out in canon.

Well that’s more than enough for this round! Go forth, read and give some great writers some kudos & comment love!

[ambiguousdisorderken]

help! a thought a thought!

s13: cas comes back from the empty without his grace and jack is very much a baby.

cas promised kelly he'd look after him, but despite all those parenting books qnd online forums, looking after a nephil is no easy task, curiously more so when it comes to jack's human wants and needs. he sees the winchesters’ intent tohelp, but jack is his charge, and cas is going to protect and look after this kid with his own limited resources even if it kills him. in return, he gets apologetic and compassionate looks from both the brothers, but dean's gaze is also... stern? no, serious. it's as if he's holding back.

cas feels judged.

at the end of one such days in which jack is being extremely... difficult, cas all but collapses. funny how an angel of the lord who once led heavenly armies and would annihilate on command like a good soldier has been brought to the brink of tears by an adorable chubby-cheeked infant with a penchant for making cas feel guilty for arguably being the worst parental figure in the whole of history. well, surely not as bad as abraham or ivan vasilyevich. cas would never harm a single blond hair on jack’s precious little head, but he’s not a good.

he's so immersed in his own frustration that he doesn't notice the door opening or the familiar weight of steps across the bedroom. he does notice the sudden shadow, and he definitely notices when jack's being taken from him by a pair of hands he rebuilt himself with the utmost care, never suspecting how he'd yearn for their touch years down the line.

dean is good with kids. he had to be. right now though, with jack? he doesn't have to be good, but he is, he's excellent. obviously better than castiel, since in less than a couple minutes jack’s long-winded on-and-off tantrum morphed into silence and then giggles. jack's actually delighted, toothless smile and happy squeals and little fists thrown in the air.

'how did you...?' cas asks stunned, wiping from his eyes the treacherous evidence of his failed parenting.

dean raises an eyebrow, but turns his face when jack's tiny hand pets his jaw. dean makes faces then, his beautiful features contorting into expressions cas had never seen. jack, laughs and curls up against dean's chest, face hiding in the junction between his neck and chin.

jack closes his red-rimmed eyes and sighs contentedly.

'dude. babies are all about vibes, man. they can sense shit, and you being all stressed out was not helping.'

cas looks down at his hands and feels every ounce of his inadequacy being maximized to stand as tall as the chrysler building.

'i... thought it'd be easier, dean. i try, i do. but jack... of course it's not his fault, that’s not what i’m saying. it's mine. he doesn't seem happy with me, and he obviously does not like me.'

dean stops rocking jack and sits on the bed next to cas, his face schooled into that expression cas has seen but can't tell the meaning of.

this time dean doesn't hold back though.

'one, that's a load of bullcrap. kid loves you. you're his dad, remember?' it's weird being admonished by dean on this particular subject, but if anyone would know about raising kids, that'd dean. he continues, 'which brings me to point number two. cas, babies are not easy. no parent has it all figured out, no matter how many books you read or how old you are. it's totally normal to hit a few bumps in the road, trust me.'

cas sighs, relieved by dean's soothing words of wisdom.

but cas' self-doubt must be a thousand-headed beast, experience has taught him many things, and right now that means he knows, from experience, that he's most likely to mess things up with jack as soon as dean hands him back.

he misses his powers. if he were still an angel he'd be able to bond with jack through their grace, and they’d have a more meaningful connection. or not.

dean, wonderful as he is, is only a human, and in less than five minutes he got jack wrapped around his finger. maybe even all “juiced-up” cas would be just as lacking.

'i wish i had your nurturing skills' cas confesses.

dean clears his throat.

'you have them' he says.

cas looks up and meets dean's determined yet nervous eyes. confused, cas clarifies, 'no, i meant i wish i could-'

dean cuts in, 'i know what you meant, cas. but i meant you have, uh, my... "nurturing skills" or whatever. because you have me. okay, cas? you have me.'

'oh?'

cas hopes, he does. but he isn't good at articulating his feelings when it comes to dean. perhaps cas learned it from him. after all, once he used to be able to declare his thoughts without flinching or feeling apprehensions of any kind.

but, when it comes to dean, he's afraid of saying the wrong thing, of saying too much.

dean continues, making what he can with cas' poor response, 'if you want, of course. and i mean... you're doing great with the little rugrat, cas, but normal babies are a handful and jack's half freaking angel. i know it's tough, and i don't like seeing you all...' he waves in cas' direction. baby-stained rumpled clothes and face worn, dark circles under the eyes are apparently not a very good look on him. he shouldn't be offended, but it still stings a bit, knowing he's doing a bad enough that his whole body is living proof of it.

'dean, you don't have to,' he replies.

'but i want to,' dean says without skipping a beat.

jack sighs happily.

'let me take care of him. with you.' his green eyes search into cas', his pitch slightly higher and his tone pleading, 'just let me help you, cas. please. we' re a - a good team, you and i. we've gone through shit must people can't even begin to imagine, so i think we can do this' his shoulder bumps gently against cas' arm. 'watcha' say, pal. wanna raise a baby together?'

cas stares back in shock, failing to taper down his burgeoning hope. but dean cannot mean what cas wants him to mean. it's not like that with them. they're friends. best friends. but do best friends raise kids together? he shouldn't poke at this.. thing, but the need to know is overpowers his better judgment, so his next words could very well be the last ones he uttered before getting his heart irreparably torn to shreds.

'i thought only couples raised children together, dean.'

dean huffs and rolls his eyes, 'that nuclear family crap is a big fat lie, cas. white picket-fence propaganda. there are many types of families in the world. not everyone gets to have a mom who lives long enough to raise her children or a dad who gives a fuck if his kids ate, consumed by a piss-poor avenger complex.'

of course. he should've known. absorbed by his own selfish wants, dean's complicated upbringing slipped from cas' mind, and now he's made the conversation awkward if dean's hesitancy is any indication to go by.

cas stays silent.

'but,' dean starts, his cheeks are colored red and he blinks twice then once again, keeping watery eyes at bay. 'we could do that too, cas. if that's.. if you'd, um, like that. you and me and this little one.'

dreaming. cas must be dreaming.

'like a family?' he asks suspiciously.

'like a family' dean says guarded.

but.

and because he needs to be sure, and dean probably didn't realize the very non-platonic implication of his statement, he asks 'like a... couple?'

'yes' the word is breathed out with pleasure and dean smiles at him warmly and openly, and he looks so beautiful like this, sitting on cas' bed with a sleepy jack safely tucked against his body.

'okay' cas says, because he doesn't know the etiquette for this specific scenario, and besides, they have to keep their voices low and their movements subtle if they want to keep jack from stirring awake.

'alright' dean says. then dean turns to whisper something in jack's ear, but the words are easily carried across what little space rests between them.

'heard that, baby? i’m gonna take good care of you and your daddy from now on.'

so, they take care of jack together. cas' parenting skills improve rather quickly, dean's natural instincts are lifesavers, and every day the three of them become happier and better rested. endless nights of cuddling will do that to you. in short, dean and cas raise their baby like a couple, and, with jack, they are, in every sense of the word, a family.

[anika-ann]

Errare Humanum Est - Epilogue

The Dakrness and the Light

Type: series, soulmate AU series  (part 1, part 2)  x Supernatural

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader   Word count: 3530

Summary: There are loose ends to tie; with Sam and Dean... and other friends. You really thought the times for rendering you speechless were gone. 

You were wrong.

Warnings: swearing, brief angst, guilt trips, brief talk on religion, fluff

Story masterlist

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True to your words, you decided to ask the experts on weird people appearing out of nowhere and shooting light from their hands about the strange experience you had; an encounter that resulted in you gaining your memories back.

Sam and Dean were ecstatic when you told them about remembering everything – including the time you had spent with them though, one set of memories not replacing the other.

After enough cheering via your Skype call, you sent the footage.

The silence stretched as the brothers watched the recording, their eyes wide with an emotion you couldn’t quite place. They seemed spooked, shocked, perplexed and quite a bit fascinated too, to be honest. Steve’s arm around your waist tightened, both of you holding your breath in anticipation.

Oh God, who was the woman? Was she a friend of Rowena? Worse, was she a friend of the King of Hell they had mentioned? Who-

“Holy shit,” Sam finally exclaimed, making you blink in shock. Since when Sam swore? Admittedly, you hadn’t spent that much time with them, but-?

“Quite literally,” Dean conceded, squinting at the screen again as if he couldn’t believe his eyes. You were sure you were about to burst – or at least that your heart would beat its way out of your chest with how forcefully it was hammering against your ribcage. “I thought they went under? Or, you know, up?”

“So did I.”

“Guys? We’re not following. You know who or what this was?” you asked them breathlessly, unable to bear the suspense anymore.

Sam cleared his throat and apparently closed the video, because they were following you with their gaze again.

“Uhm yeah. That was God’s sister who paid you a visit.”

Your heart positively stopped for a second-- and then you laughed self-depreciatingly. Don’t be stupid, hey don’t mean that literally.

…they couldn’t, right?

“…is that a euphemism for something?”

“Nope,” Dean accented the ‘P’ and shrugged for a good measure, knocking the air out of your lungs. And of Steve’s, probably freezing his brain along the way, because his figure went absolutely rigid behind you.

“God’s sister?” Steve parroted and you were sure he wasn’t even breathing at that point.

“Yeah. Her name’s Amara. I’m pretty sure she had a crush on Dean,” Sam explained casually as if it wasn’t a big deal.

God.

And God’s sister-

--wait, what? A crush? Huh?

“Dude. Come on!” Dean called out exasperatedly, hint of red pulsing in his cheeks.

“Like… the actual God’s sister? God, the religion figure… and his sister?”

“Yeah. Amara. The Darkness. God’s sister, whatever. We helped them to solve their family issues a while back,” Dean confirmed, a smug smile tugging at his lips at your disbelief.  

“I beg your pardon?” Steve blurted out, as if reading your frantic thoughts.

It was a lot to chew to begin with, but did Dean really just call her The Darkness? Why weren’t they freaked out by that?!

Sam sighed. “It’s complicated. Look, she also brought our mum back from death, but from what we know now, from what she said to you, it looks like Chuck brought you back and Amara thought you should also have your memories. Don’t worry about it, we’re used to this kind of crazy.”

It took you several moments of the wheels in your head turning before you connected the dots and actually registered what he was saying.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, that would mean that Chuck was… the brother. Which made him… which made him-

“God’s name is Chuck?” you choked out at the same time as Steve questioned a different exclaim of Sam’s: “Don’t worry about it?”

“Yeah. Chill. Be grateful,” Dean shrugged it off as if he didn’t notice your confusion and struggle to comprehend why on Earth God would bring you back from the death and his sister (the hell-- heaven?) stopped by to return your memories on top of that.

“Hey, are you okay? You look a little pale there,” Dean hummed, eyebrows furrowing in actual concern.

Yeah, no shit. I’d like to see your face if you found out that you were saved by—oh, wait, you actually might have…

“It’s… that’s a lot to chew.”

“Come on, you already knew you rose from the dead, this can’t be-“

Sam covered his brother’s mouth with a hand, annoyed look on his face before he smiled at you compassionately. “We know. But we’re serious. There’s nothing we can do about that, just enjoy what you were given. You both have your soulmate back. Be happy.”

“Though I gotta say, my heart is broken. I was holding out for you,” Dean teased you, having wrestled free from Sam’s grasp.

“Dean!”

To be fair, Steve didn’t even flinch at such suggestion, knowing Dean’s flirty nature already, and you were pretty sure he even rolled his eyes.

“Kidding. Call us if you need help, okay?”

“Can I call to just check up on you?” you pried carefully, unable to help the warm smile slowly spreading on your lips as they slapped their hands over the other’s, Sam’s trying to shut his menacing brother up.

They stopped at instant.

“Uhm… yeah?” Dean hummed, clearly surprised, while the younger brother charmed a sweet smile.

“Good. Be careful, guys. I mean it. Let an angel watch over you. And look after him too. Send him my best wishes.”

“We will. We’ll see you, Fire Princess,” Dean winked at you and you huffed. Jerk.

“I hate you,” you murmured, waved at Sam and shut the laptop close, shaking your head.

Steve’s lips found the crook on your neck, nuzzling his face there then.

“Do you understand any of the things they said?” you slightly shifted, your lips catching his halo-like hair, your back leaning onto his chest.

“Nope.”

“And you don’t care,” you stated when he kissed your skin again

“Nope,” he confirmed cheerily, pulling your back to make you lie down on the bed. You complied, ending up on your side, spooned by his warm muscular form. “Besides wanting to know what Fire Princess means, I’m just happy to have you back, doll. You’re all that matters.”

“Steve…”

You heart fluttered in your chest, chasing heat to your cheeks at his sweettalking.

“I mean it. I’m not letting go of you, ever. If I have to lay down my shield, I don’t care. As long as I have you… I have everything I need.”

“Steve, I…” he eased his hold a bit when you squeezed his hand, allowing you to turn and face him. His eyes burned with sincerity, the way you remembered they always did when trying to convince you about something you found hard to believe – usually concerning his feelings. “I… I don’t-“

“I love you. And I mean it. Just say the word.”

“But I… I can’t be enough, Steve. That’s-“ you protested, your head spinning at the thought.

He couldn’t be serious. Could he? Steve had a heart of gold and fighting for the good cause in his blood. He couldn’t stop. Or maybe he could, but at what cost? How long it would take him to realize what a mistake he had made? And what if he blamed you then? Worse, what if someone on the team would get hurt in his absence and he would blame you for that?

Rationally, you knew the last scenario was of zero probability, because Steve would definitely hold himself responsible, no one else, but that only proved your-

His thumb tenderly traced the shape of your lips, eyes seemingly bluer than usual, as if he forced them to change their colour just to look more genuine and innocent, unable to lie.  

“You are. I spent weeks thinking-- thinking that I lost you – because of what I did, no less – and nothing mattered anymore, not really.”

“You love your job,” you stated slowly, incredulous that he was actually considering it. You tried hard to push the rise of hope and annoyingly adoring feelings towards him that bloomed in your chest.

He couldn’t do that, stop that, you bitch, he was not just yours- it wouldn’t be your choice to make-- but that was just wrong--- what if he got fed up with you-

“I loved my job – mostly because it was the only thing familiar in this century. The job was my life. And look where it got me.”

“Face to face with me, resurrected?” you teased with an awkward attempt at smile, unsure of what to make of this conversation and the mess of feelings it stirred within you. Steve only raised one corner of his lips at your silly joke. “No, seriously. I love you too. I love you and that’s why I can’t let you quit, not for me. You’re Steve Rogers. You’re Captain America. It’s like giving up your half.”

“I’ve done that once,” he muttered darkly, looking away. “And you took the other half with you.”

Tears pricked in the corners of your eyes at the reminder of why he might in fact could be able to give up on his job; because of the terrible sorrow it had brought him when making the impossible decision in his title’s favour.

You weren’t naïve, not that much at least. You both knew that that particular situation would have never happened if he was doing literally anything else for living.

You sighed, cupping his cheek and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “Okay. We’ll think about it and talk about it later, alright? Now I just want to kiss you and cuddle you for eternity.”

His lips curled up in a brilliant smile that always made you smile back automatically, making your whole body pliant and feather-light.

“That is the best plan ever, darling,” he praised, planting a kiss to your forehead, indeed snuggling closer, leading your head to hide under his chin. Gosh, you loved when he did that, engulfing you, protecting you from the whole world.

“Thanks, Mr. Rogers.”

“No. Thank you. Thank you for coming back to me.”

You smiled against his throat, kissing his Adam’s apple. “We’ve been over this, I didn’t exactly-“

Hand still in your hair, he guided you from your favourite spot with light pull, only so he could shut you up with a kiss.

You sure as hell didn’t resist and lazily returned the affection, content to stay in that moment forever.

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In real life, moments like that didn’t last forever. Sooner or later, duties and decisions came knocking.

Decisions were hard, especially when coming back from the dead and having to choose if you should keep it secret or not for instance and oh so many more things that needed to be dealt with; which was exactly the reason why you had been avoiding it, but that couldn’t go on for much longer.

For the moment, you decided there weren’t many people to confide in, but there were still some that deserved it.

A priest of the church where your own little altar was placed was one of them, mostly because of the meeting you wanted to hold there. Then again, officially it had been Steve who invited Ryan to a safe place with little information on the reason behind such action.

Steve had warned you he hadn’t spoken to him since before your death, but it could never prepare you for the cold welcome he had got when they came face to face, while you were hiding in the shadows.

“Captain Rogers,” Ryan greeted him stiffly, voice even and sharp enough to cut deeply and precisely with that particular addressing. You and Steve had talked; you knew he had troubles coming to terms with the title after he had lost you despite burying himself in his work and making it look like it was the exact opposite.

“Ryan. Thank you for coming.”

“Why am I here? What do you want?”

Was it just you or did Ryan sound really annoyed as if he couldn’t leave this encounter soon enough? What happened to him?

“I needed to talk to you about something important,” Steve replied softly despite your best friend’s attitude.

Ryan scoffed, crossing his arms on his chest. He was a bit thinner than you remembered, but that might only be the outfit he was wearing; the sweater looked a size too big for him to begin with.

“I have nothing to talk about with you, Steve. Frankly, you being here in this very church is like a sick joke. You weren’t here when it counted. What held you? Work, I imagine?”

Even you winced at the cruel words. This didn’t sound like the man you were best friends with. Was he truly so angry with Steve? Or was it because his heart was still heavy with grief? You didn’t know whether to be touched, angry back or just sad.

And what did Ryan mean by Steve not being here when it mattered?

“It wasn’t like that-” Steve tried to explain and for the first time, his voice cracked, sending a shiver down your spine.

“Imagine that. All of them were here. All of the freaking Avengers came to her funeral-“

Oh. Oh. You had no idea what to make of that. Steve had kinda forgotten to mention that fact to you. You should have figured; he did warn you they hadn’t spoken since before your death. Shit.

Unlike Ryan, you knew it wasn’t the lack of sorrow that had held Steve back from coming – even without him telling you so, it was clear as day to you.

“-even the one from another planet. But you? Her soulmate? Gosh, Steve… what’s your excuse?”

The question was clearly meant to sting and one single glance at Steve told you that it did precisely that; his eyelids fallen shut, his hands balling into fists.

“Do you really need to ask?” Steve chuckled bitterly, forcing himself to relax his hands. You more heard the tears in his voice than saw them from your spot behind the pillar and your heart ached. “How could I show up, Ryan? After what I did? How could I look into your eyes, to her parents’ eyes? I killed her, Ryan. Don’t you think for a second that I don’t feel guilty or regret it every single day. What I did, why I… I-”

“You don’t need to explain yourself, Steve. I understand why you made the choice you did…” Ryan interrupted him with a sigh and a sideway look, almost as if in conciliatory manner. “But that doesn’t mean I hate you any less for it. Or that I don’t blame you for her death. Because I do. It was your fault.”

Ouch.

“I know. And I understand. You have every right.”

Well, this was going splendidly. Another guilt trip for Steve and hostility from your friend. Just peachy. You seriously considered just walking in regardless Steve’s plea for you to wait for his signal.

“And yet I’m grateful for the weeks you spent together. You made her happiest I have ever seen her. It’s funny how I can hate you for it at the same time,” Ryan added then, his eyes turning compassionate and kind, only a shadow of sorrow remaining.

“Life is that way sometimes. But… I didn’t come here to ask forgiveness, Ryan.”

“Good, ‘cause you’re not getting any. Why are we here then?”

Now this sounded more like Ryan. The corner of your lips rose in a tinniest smile.

“Because she always said you were her platonic soulmate. She trusted you with everything. And you deserve to know.”

“Deserve to know what?”

“That miracles happen,” Steve said simply, not making any sense to the other man. Drama queen. Then again, God had probably saved you, so he wasn’t exaggerating.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Is that why we met in a church? Some weird symbolism to… to what?” Ryan sputtered, getting impatient. You almost walked out right then. But you trusted Steve to prepare your friend better for the shock now.

“No. We met here because I believed it was a safe place and you wouldn’t have come to the Tower.”

“Safe place?” Ryan asked warily, eyeing his surroundings suspiciously, his gaze shifting to your soulmate again. “For what?”

You cleared your throat, deciding this was the moment and stepped out. Ryan’s eyes bulged, his face drained of all colour.

“Hello, Ryan. Long time, no see,” you offered a teary smile and he blinked, your name falling from his lips breathlessly and with thousands of questions unspoken.

His gaze flickered to Steve, who smiled at him tightly, gently beckoning to you, encouraging him.

Ryan took several shaky steps and you stopped, letting him cross the distance in his own pace, getting him a chance to back away when feeling like it. On the inside, you wanted to run to him and let the man engulf you in a hug and never let go, but you realized what kind of a shock it must have been.

Hell, you were still coming to terms with it.

“Baby?” he whispered, voice trembling and breaking on the single word. You didn’t bother blinking away your tears, only nodding.

At that, Ryan erased the distance in two long strides, throwing his arms around your neck and sobbing right in your ear. His breath hitched when you hugged him back; as if he had been expecting this was only a trick.

It wasn’t.

“Hey, Ry-Ry,” you rasped, your sob nearly in sync with his, which was ridiculous.

He withdrew then, framing your face with his palms, his eyes travelling all over you.

“I saw you die,” he choked out, incredulous, awed.

“Yeah, lots of people did,” you agreed, covering one of his hands with yours. “It’s a long story.”

His blown-up irises widened further. “Was that… some kind of a cover-up? Did you- how could you not tell-?!”

“It wasn’t a cover-up!” you hurried, shaking your head as his arms fell from you. ”I died, Ry-Ry. I told you it’s a long story.”

“I have time,” he mused, still starring at you, measuring you from head to toe, perplexed and teary.

“Then maybe you should sit down. Before what I tell you knocks you flat on your ass.”

༻༺༻༺༻ღ༺༻༺༻༺

A smile was tugging at Steve’s lips at their interaction. Ryan was amazed, naturally, and Steve could relate; having her back was everything. He hadn’t been lying to her when he had told her he would lay down his shield if she asked him to. He would do anything only if it meant she would meet his gaze like at that exact moment, tears and laughter in her eyes, her lips spreading in that beautiful smile that tugged on his heartstrings.

“Steven,” the priest appeared at his side, voice low so he wouldn’t disturb the reunion. “Why don’t you join me in the back? Let the two friends catch up?”

Steve could stay right there, watching you explain the insane story, but perhaps he shouldn’t. Your best friend deserved your undivided attention and Steve would be happy to let you do so. God knew that while you were bickering and joking with the rest of his team and friends – now your friends too, no doubt – you weren’t beaming as much as you were at the moment. You needed your own time with Ryan.

“I… I suppose I should. Thank you, Father, for allowing this,” Steve expressed his gratitude, only for the other man to nod and give him a kind smile.

“Well, your friend had a point about symbolism here. Miracles do happen.... Speaking of those. I have someone who I would like you to meet.”

Steve blinked in surprise, but followed Father Lantom, trustful.  “…alright. What is it, Father?”

“It might come as a shock,” the priest warned him as he stopped in front of the door Steve was familiar with; Father had invited him over for coffee before, but Steve always refused, not wanting to abuse his hospitality.

“My soulmate came back from the dead, Father. I doubt anything can shock me at this point.”

The older-looking man chuckled, his hand laid on the handle. “I’m tempted to make a bet, but I must maintain the façade of an honourable man.”

“Father Lantom… what are you talking about?” Steve gulped, something icy creeping up his spine, his heart speeding up in anticipation.

Surely, the man wouldn’t do anything to hurt Steve. The idea was ridiculous. So why was Steve so nervous all of sudden?

“James? May we enter?”

There was no answer and if there was, Steve couldn’t hear it over the pounding in his ears. A crazy idea, old hope that he could never allow himself to feed because people who died stayed dead, even in this insane world, rising in his chest and suffocating him.

James?

Miracles?

The door opened with a creak and Steve only needed a glimpse to freeze in the doorway, his heart stopping, brain short-circuiting. The world swayed of its place and there was a crushing weight on his chest, crushing and vertigo-inducing at the same time, frantic memories of a friendship that should have lasted until the end of the line flashing in his mind, an agonizing memory of watching the fall, completely helpless.

Steve didn’t know how, but the name left his lips without him remembering forming the simple word; a word that felt like a prayer.

“…Bucky?”

༻༺༻༺༻ღ༺༻༺༻༺

Bonus chapter ;)

༻༺༻༺༻ღ༺༻༺༻༺

I know, I know! A cliffhanger. But it’s a nice one, right? A little hopeful, a little teasing your imagination; think about it like a post-credit scene ;) 

I can promise a bonus and a short multichapter fic ending this whole soulmate series.

Thank you for reading and your support, every comment means the world to me :-*

[chipper9906]

Third Times The Charm

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 15 (Episode 03: The Rupture, Episode 09: The Trap

Pairings: Castiel/Dean Winchester

Rating: General Audiences

Word Count: 6,508

Status: One Shot - Complete

Chapter Preview: 

“Well… not… not that part,” Dean stutters out, taken aback by the fiery, spitting rage that Cas so rarely displays towards him. “If you’d just let me-,”

“No,” Castiel interrupts him, slowly rising back up with his duffel in hand. “You think you’re trying, Dean. You really do. But when it comes down to it, you’re not entirely ready to apologize to me. Not yet.” Dean couldn’t even get a word out as Cas reached into his trench-coat pocket before firmly planting something into his hand – something familiarly rectangular and thin in shape. “And even if you are… I’m certainly not ready to forgive.”

* * *

Three times Dean Winchesters attempts to "apologize" to Castiel. Except... This is Dean Winchester. Apologies aren't exactly his strong point.

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He knew he’d messed it all up the second the words left his mouth. And yet, in that moment of overboiling, long over-due anger spilling out, he simply didn’t have enough reasoning left to realize it.

So, he said it.

“Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?”

Cas had looked at him like he had physically hit him. He might as well have. But through the seething rage he felt, he just didn’t care that he had hurt Cas. A part of him felt good about it. Vindicated. Because if he was hurting, then Cas should, too.

And maybe that’s why… that’s why he can’t take it back. It’s why he can’t just apologize, tell Cas that he didn’t mean it, that it was a moment where he wasn’t thinking right. And that right there was the problem. He had meant it. He had been thinking back to all those times, all those fuck ups that have happened in their lives, and there was no doubt that Cas was involved in a lot of them. Maybe it had been something clung to the back of his mind, building, and building until he was pushed over the edge.

But it didn’t matter. He had said it, and he couldn’t take it back. He couldn’t remove the pain he had inflicted on Cas.

And he still wasn’t sure if he wanted to.

But that was beside the point. They didn’t have time for this. They didn’t have time for petty silent treatments, and the boatload of therapy they probably needed. Mom was dead, Jack was dead, Rowena was dead, they had just barely averted yet another goddamn Apocalypse whilst simultaneously being thrown into another; this one with God himself out on a personal vendetta against them, and the entire friggen Universe, and goddammit, they didn’t have the time for Cas to go off sulking on his own!

So now that’s why he was sat here on the edge of the map table, phone in hand, staring glumly down at Cas’s name as it glowed back at him from the screen, thumb hovering just over his name. He didn’t have much faith that the call would even go through, considering the past twenty or so times he’s tried so far were sent straight to Cas’s voicemail. And not in a way that suggested his phone was off, or even that he was letting it ring out and not answering it. Dean knew that the few brief rings he heard before being cut off by Cas’s voicemail could only mean that the bastard saw Dean was calling and was rejecting the damn call.

Which is why, as he waited to be greeted by the same annoying voicemail message he’s listened to way too many times now, he’s caught by surprise when he’s instead greeted by the click of the call connecting, and the loud silence of Cas on the other end, not speaking.

“Cas? You there?”

Nothing but silence greets him. For a moment, the annoying part of him that still cares starts envisioning the worst scenarios. What if it wasn’t Cas? What if someone or something had killed him, and the killer wanted to know who the hell was stubborn enough to call someone twelve times in the span of around four minutes.

But no, it’s Cas that answers on the other end of the line with a very curt and unfriendly sounding, “What?”

Dean just about holds his tongue – pretty much has to bite down on it to stop himself from saying something he shouldn’t – and takes a deep, not at all calming breath. “Any reason you’ve been ignoring both mine and Sammy’s calls?”

“I think the answer to that question is fairly obvious,” Cas’s answer is scathing, dripping with levels of sarcasm that Dean didn’t think angels could even reach.

“Alright, fine. But couldn’t you at least answer Sammy’s calls? Or even just his messages?”

“No.”

Another deep breath, Winchester.

“And why’s that?” Dean gets out through gritted teeth, hearing his phone crack and groan in protest under his vice-like grip.

“Because I don’t want to.”

Turns out, that’s all he needed to be pushed over the edge again.

“Yeah? Well, Cas, funnily enough, you don’t always get what you want. Woulda’ thought you of all people would have learned that by now, with as much time you spend with us. And you know what? Now isn’t one of those times where you get what you want. Hell, what neither of us want. But we both know that the crap going down right now is bigger than what you, or me, or Sammy, or anyone wants. So how about we both put aside our hissy fits for the time being, get over our own damn egos, and you get your feathery ass back here and help us figure out how the hell we’re supposed to kill God?”

His voice has raised perhaps a little bit too much near the end there, so much that he felt like it was ringing in his ears for a while after he had stopped talking; perhaps even enough to drown out whatever it was that Cas decided to respond with. Except, Cas didn’t respond. Not for a while, anyway. Nothing but silence – in the form of crackling white noise – emitted from Dean’s speaker, stretching on long enough that he had to take his phone away from his ear and check the screen to see if the phone was still connected.

And then Cas laughed.

He’s pretty sure he can count on one hand the number of times he’s heard Cas laugh, and this one… was not a good one. There was some amusement in it, but mostly it just sounded tired. And… a little bit bordering on insane.

“Something funny?” Dean damn near growled down the phone.

Cas’s laughter faded away at that. “No. No, I suppose there isn’t.”

A single beep emitted from the speaker. Gone was the white noise. Gone was Cas’s voice.

Cas had hung up on him.

Dean takes another deep breath, one just as unsuccessful as the last few. He holds the phone limply in his closed fist, staring blankly out into the bunker before bringing his fist down hard on the table, barely resisting the urge to launch his “too expensive to keep breaking through rage or hunts” across the room.

“You stubborn son of a bitch,” Dean grits out, balancing his phone in his lap as he massages his now sore hand. “Just gotta make this complicated, don’t you…”

The idea pops into his head right then and there, jumping down from the table and settling into an actual seat. He pulls his laptop towards him, flipping open the top and getting to work. “Fine, Cas. You don’t wanna come back home? Then I’ll come to you…”

* * *

 There were a lot of things Dean thought Cas might be doing in some small town out in the middle of nowhere.

Well, not a lot of things. Actually… Dean had no idea. The last time Cas went off on his own – admittedly, not of his fault – he had gone and tried to be a proper citizen of America with his own degrading, low-paying, soul-sucking retail job. He supposed that was a possibility, but, he doubted it. Most of the time, Cas is… well, with him, Dean supposed. Helping him and Sam with whatever big ugly had decided to rear its head for the year. Cas didn’t really get much free time, didn’t have much time for hobbies (neither did he unless you counted drinking and porn watching, but whatever), so of all the things he expected for Cas to be doing…

Fishing certainly wasn’t one of them.

Cas had managed to find himself a nice little dock to fish off as well. A cozy, hidden spot within the reeds, far out enough from civilization that Dean actually had to hike out here to find him. Admittedly, he was a little pissed to have to leave Baby behind and hike for four friggen hours in the heat whilst swiping away blood-sucking mosquitos, but it wasn’t like he had much of a choice.

There was a single fishing rod cast out into the water, its little neon orange bobber oddly still despite drifting amidst the gentle waves created by the evening’s wind as it blew across the surface of the water. Strangely, there was an honest to God boom-box sat next to Cas, which would have undoubtedly scared away any fish in the area if it was playing music. Which… it wasn’t. Even from the other end of the dock, Dean could see the tape holder was open and empty.

Dean stands there long enough to see the little bobber start bobbing in the water, flicking left and right as fish nibble on its bait. It’s not long after that the lure disappears completely, sinking below the surface of the water and into its murky depths as a fish takes the bait. But… Cas doesn’t react. In fact, he hadn’t even been looking at the lure. He must have been holding something in his hands - what exactly that is, Dean can’t see from here – as he can tell from Cas’s hunched posture that this mysterious object must be whatever had won Cas’s attention over his bait being taken.

“You know, you’re actually supposed to catch the fish when fishing. I get that it’s supposed to be relaxing, but… you could at least try to catch something when it’s on the end of your hook.”

Cas doesn’t jump or startle at his voice, much to Dean’s secret displeasure. Hell, he wouldn’t be surprised if Cas somehow sensed his presence. Maybe he could smell his scent or something. Hear his heartbeat. Feel his soul. Something like that.

What he does do is sigh. Loudly. Loud enough for Dean to hear from all the way over here, which kinda hurts if he’s being honest. That being said, he does put away whatever he was holding into his coat’s pocket and picks up the rod at Dean’s words and hooks the fish, reeling it in like he’s done it a hundred times before.

“I thought I’d give it a try. Perhaps make some sense of my thoughts,” Cas says without looking back at him, keeping his gaze fixated on the water ahead. “Try and see why so many are invested in this past time. I suppose maybe it’d be different if I was human, but… I just don’t get quite the same satisfaction.” It seems that, in a blink of an eye, Cas has the fish reeled in and dangling in the air in front of him. He gets the hook out of its mouth just as quick, looking down to the decent-sized carp he held in his hands. “What is it about fishing that makes it so worthwhile to humans? Is it the struggle of trying to reel it in? The sense of satisfaction you get out of pulling this creature from its habitat? Some feeling of power, a superiority, that you’ve outsmarted and outmuscled a lesser being than yourself?”

“Uh… I’m not much one for philosophical debates, Cas,” Dean looks to Cas wide-eyed, taking a few cautious steps onto the dock and towards him. “I just find it relaxing, I suppose. Bobby used to take me and Sammy out a few times when dad was off on hunts. We wouldn’t talk about dad, or where he’d be taking us once he got back - - if he got back. It was nice to just sit out in the sun, Bobby and Sam next to me and… get to feel some sense of peace that I haven’t felt since I was four.”

Castiel only hums at that, gently lowering the fish back down into the water and letting it swim away. “How did you find me?”

Dean steps even closer. “Sammy put a tracker on your phone a long time ago, bud. Can never be too careful.”

“Sam did?” Cas said, sounding genuinely surprised. The first bit of emotion Dean had heard slip into his voice.

“Yeah. I actually argued with him over it, believe it or not,” Dean shoves his hands into his jacket pockets, keeping a small amount of space between him and Cas. “Guess it turned out useful…”

Cas was still refusing to look at him, which was all kinds of frustrating. “When did…”

“Not long after you came back from… y’know… the Empty,” Dean gets out. “But, uh… he brought it up after you knocked us out with your mojo and ran off with Kelly against our wishes.”

Cas tenses up at that, carelessly tossing his fishing rod to the floor next to him and finally, finally, standing up from the edge of the dock and turning to face Dean. “And if I’d have gone with your wishes, there would have been every chance that Jack would have ended up dead – perhaps before he was even born!”

“Yeah? Well, he ended up dead anyway, didn’t he?” Dean says it like the words don’t hurt him as much as it does Cas. He says it like he doesn’t see the way Cas’s face fall, the little frustration he held shifts into what can only be described as both shock and grief. And then, to make it worse – and because he just can’t his mouth shout – he makes it a hundred times worse. “Maybe we’d be better off if we had stopped him from being born. At least then mom would still be alive.”

There wasn’t any grief left on Cas’s face. No sadness, no anger. It was nothing but disgust that he held for Dean and his words, and Dean knew he deserved such a look from Cas, but it wasn’t exactly like the rational part of his brain that knows this is in control right now.

“What do you want, Dean?” Castiel asks him, sounding too small and tired for a mighty angel of the Lord. “Did you track me all this way, come all the way out here to… what? To hurt me more?”

“No!” Dean yells, which totally defeats the point of what he’s trying to go with here. “No, that’s not why…” He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose and scrunching his eyes shut. “I… I came to bring you home.”

Castiel raises a single eyebrow up at him. “To… bring me home?”

“Yeah. You know, back to the bunker. Look Cas, I’m not stupid enough to pretend that I… that we don’t still need you.”

“That’s surprising to hear,” Castiel bites back. “Considering you think I’m the ‘thing’ that goes wrong in every mess we’ve been through.”

“That’s not-,” Dean tries, but Cas has already turned his back to him; hurriedly picking his fishing rod back up and began disassembling it. “I’m trying, okay?”

“Trying to do what?” Castiel grumbles under his breath, pulling apart the rod pieces a little harsher than he intended.

“What the hell do you think?!” Dean throws his hands in the air, letting his irritation boil over. “I’m trying to make things right, I guess. Trying to… to apologize.”

Castiel actually pauses in trying to stuff the rod back into its duffel, his head snapping up to look at Dean. “Apologize…? In what part of you admitting your wish for Jack to have been terminated before birth should I take as an apology?”

“Well… not… not that part,” Dean stutters out, taken aback by the fiery, spitting rage that Cas so rarely displays towards him. “If you’d just let me-,”

“No,” Castiel interrupts him, slowly rising back up with his duffel in hand. “You think you’re trying, Dean. You really do. But when it comes down to it, you’re not entirely ready to apologize to me. Not yet.” Dean couldn’t even get a word out as Cas reached into his trench-coat pocket before firmly planting something into his hand – something familiarly rectangular and thin in shape. “And even if you are… I’m certainly not ready to forgive.”

There was nothing Dean could do. Nothing but stand there in astonishment as Cas simply walked right by him, leaving him there standing at the end of the dock staring down at the object Cas has pressed into his hand. And honestly, this in itself was more painful than anything Cas could have ever said in return.

In his hand was a clearly well used, well-loved mixtape, his own writing staring back at him in crudely drawn sharpie on the faded white label:

‘Deans top 13 Zepp TRA XX’

“Thought I told you you’re supposed to keep gifts,” Dean just about manages to get out, braving a look up at Cas’s retreating form.

Castiel’s steps halt for just a moment. Just long enough to say one more thing before continuing on his way. “You did. But, it is to my knowledge that you only keep a gift so long as it is wanted, is it not?”

Never mind. He was wrong.

That hurt a lot more.

* * *

He was a dick.

He knew that. He got that now. But now, it seemed, was too late.

He can’t say he wasn’t angry, because he was. What he can say was that he held onto that anger for too long. That he didn’t stop for a moment to look at things the way Cas probably did. Instead, he only saw things the way his anger wanted to, to keep him steeped in that burning rage, letting himself lash out at Cas because it was easy. Because he’d put the blame on Cas so many times before, so why not do it again?

And now, Cas might be…

No. No, he refuses to believe it. Cas is fine. He’s made it out of a few bad scraps before, he’s sure Cas will find a way to take out those dick-head leviathans and… and Eve… the mother of all monsters… right?

“CAS!” His yell echoes between the trees that surround him, seemingly amplified by the low fog that swirls around him. An endlessly hopeful part of him expects to see that trench-coat-wearing idiot stumbling towards him in the distance, maybe a little bloodied and battle-worn but otherwise whole. But there’s nothing. Nothing but the odd stillness of Purgatory when creatures aren’t busy ripping each other apart.

How long had it been now? It had felt like he has been out here, wandering aimlessly for any sign of Cas for hours. He reaches into his pocket, pulling out his phone, and that awful squeeze of fear clenches around his heart at the timer ticking down, making it hard to breathe.

29 minutes. That was all he had. 29 minutes to find Cas in the whole of Purgatory and get them back to the portal in time. It took him damn near an entire year to find Cas the last time. 29 minutes just wasn’t enough, and it wasn’t fair. He couldn’t… He couldn’t tell Cas what’s been tearing him up inside, can’t tell him what Cas shouldn’t have to hear from him to know, and now he never will and-

“No, no no…” The words spill out of his mouth without his permission, sounding as close to a whimper of pain that actual words possibly could.

He didn’t want to do it like this. Hell, he didn’t even know if Cas even had enough grace left to hear him. But he had to try. It worked last time, didn’t it? Every damn night…

“Cas? Cas I hope you can hear me… that wherever you are, it’s not too late,” It was harder than he expected, saying this out loud. Almost like he was accepting that he was never going to speak to Cas again. Never get to say these words face to face. “I should’ve stopped you. You’re my best friend, but I just let you go. ‘Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong.”

The incessant burning in his eyes gets too much, the heavy weight in his nose forcing a shaky sniffle out of him. He reaches out a hand to the tree next to him, barely enough time to process the scratchy roughness of the bark before his wobbly knees are giving out, forcing him down to a crouch, leaning his weight against the tree.

“I… Ohh…” He nearly says it, but the words get caught in the back of his throat. ‘Not yet’ a voice seems to whisper in his head. It was at least better than the voice that would always whisper ‘Never’ whenever he let himself think those words. “I don’t know why I get so angry. I just know – I know that – I-it’s always been there. And when things go bad, it just – it comes out. And I can’t – I can’t stop it. No matter how-,” His voice catches once more. He was well past the point of holding the tears back. “-How bad I want to, I just can’t stop it.”

This was it. He couldn’t hold back now. Not when this might be his last chance. Even if… Even if Cas was no longer alive to hear this message. “And – And I – I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. And – God, Cas. I love you. You hear me? I love you. And I – I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry it took me till now, till it might be too damn late to say it. Cas, I’m – I’m so sorry. I hope you can hear me… Please, hear me…”

He can almost hear the ‘whomp’ of wings he hasn’t heard in years. Could almost envision the sight of Cas stood behind him, head tilted to the side, looking to him in genuine angel curiosity as he answers Dean’s prayers. But when he looks around, the forests of Purgatory look just as empty through his tear-filled vision as they did moments before. “Okay…” Dean forces himself up, wiping a hand down his face to wipe away any evidence of what had just happened. Reset himself back to Dean Winchester. Hunter. Son of John Winchester.

Get the job done. Get back home.

His mind seems to switch off after that. He’s sure he looked every part the stereotypical zombies in the movies and tv shows and comics as he shuffles forward in the direction of the portal, face blank and devoid of life, shotgun heavy in hand and only the barest of survival instincts keeping an eye out for any movement within the trees.

He wasn’t far now. Just up ahead was his way out of here. He would step through, and be home. Without the flower. And… and without Cas. Mom. Jack. Rowena. Now Cas? What was the point? Would the world expect him to keep fighting if he lost Sammy too? And… God, what if Cas wasn’t dead? What if he walks through that portal, letting it close behind him, and leaves Cas here to be trapped for eternity?

Maybe he still had time. Maybe he could-

No. He didn’t. The timer on his phone displaying the numbers ’00:02:56’ proved as much. There wasn’t time. Cas was-

“Dean?”

Both hands are wrapped around his shotgun and pointing it towards the direction of the voice before his mind has fully caught up. His finger slides away from the trigger as his mouth falls open, lowering the end of the shotgun down at the sight of Cas, glorious Cas, looking a little worse for wear sat at the base of a tree. He looked every bit as dirty, bloodied, and miserable as anyone would after nearly twenty-four hours in Purgatory, but it didn’t matter, as it was the best sight Dean had ever seen.

Cas looks equally as shocked to see him, grimacing to himself as he pushes himself up to stand. “You made it?”

Dean can’t help but laugh. Not really the time for laughing, but it was mostly the delirium and pure, sweet relief bursting out of him. “I made it?”

Cas stumbles towards him, a bit of a limp in his gait, and Dean quickly makes up the short distance between them, throwing his arms around Cas and pulling the angel towards him. Cas feels real and solid pressed against his chest, and Dean thumps his hands against Cas’s back almost to prove to himself that the whole of Cas is here and intact. He almost wasn’t. He almost lost one of the only people left in this world he can say that he loves.

Which... which he’s said now.

“You okay?” Dean asks as soon as he feels Cas begin to push away from him, letting his eyes scan across Cas’s form to check for any obvious wounds or spilling of grace.

“I’m fine,” Castiel insists, probably a lie if Dean knows him. But, other than the sluggishly bleeding scrape on Cas’s head, he does look fine.

“What happened?”

“They were after me, not you,” Castiel gets out through panting, pained-sounding breaths. Yeah, sure. Fine. “I figured it would be safest to give myself up.”

And there it is again. Just another goddamn slap to the face. Even after everything that’s happened, after all the awful crap he’s said to Cas, the way he’s treated him… Cas was so willing to just put himself in the firing line for him.

‘These are not just monsters, Dean. They’re Leviathan. I have a price on my head, and I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to – to keep them away from you.’

“They take you to Eve?”

“Yeah. We were en route. I waited until I… saw this,” Cas reached into his trench-coat pocket, pulling out a sad-looking excuse for a flower that looked about as beat up as the person holding it. “It… got a little smushed.”

Dean could almost cry. Again. Here Cas was, somehow having escaped from a bunch of freak leviathans before being handed over to what would likely be horrendous torture and a death sentence from the mother of all monsters, manages to find the stupid fucking flower they came all the way out here for, get all the way back to the portal where he sits and waits for him… and he looks embarrassed that the flower got a little ‘smushed?’

That’s beside the fact that he probably crushed it by hugging Cas.

“Once I had the blossom, I fought; caught them off guard,” Cas continued. “They fought back. I managed to get away.”

Dean smiles. For what feels like the first time in quite a while, he smiles. “You did it. You did it, Cas.”

And then, by some miracle by God – wait no, not him, by something or someone… Cas gives him a tentative smile back. “Well, they’re still after me. We should hurry,” Cas gestures with a small shake of his head towards the portal, already starting to move away.

“Okay, Cas I need to say something-,”

“You don’t have to say it,” Castiel interrupts, that tentative smile back on his face. “I heard your prayer.”

But that wasn’t enough. Sure, it was of some comfort knowing that the prayer had at least reached Cas, but… but something didn’t sit right with him about that. Besides the fact that what he said is something that really should be said face to face (and maybe sending a message like that over the prayer is the equivalent of sending it over text message or… or voicemail?), Cas’s reaction was just… not what he was expecting. Not that Cas was ever entirely predictable in his reactions, and perhaps basing what Cas’s reaction would be on what his reaction would be if Cas ever confessed to him like that wasn’t the best of ideas, but… still, it was odd. Dean was expecting at least something, some sort of reaction to his words other than an acknowledgment that it had been heard.

Cas was right, though. They really needed to hurry; what with a bunch of leviathans after them and probably around 30 seconds left before the portal closes behind them.

They race towards the portal, his hand on Cas’s back helping to push him forward as he struggles with that new limp of his. Dean can hear his pulse racing in his ears as they step closer and closer to the portal, watching its light flicker and shimmer as it struggles to stay open. He wouldn’t be surprised if God had somehow caught wind of their plans, and was waiting until the very last second when they were about to step through, to close the portal a few seconds earlier and laugh in their faces as the portal disappears from sight.

But that’s not what happens. They step through the portal, one after the other, neither being left behind. There’s a split second of nothing but blinding white as the portal flares, losing sight of Cas for just a moment, and then he’s there again; stood just in front of him in the bunker, the tension and stress of Purgatory already draining away from his hunched posture.

The portal gives one last pathetic flicker, and then it’s closing down on itself. The bunker is left in silence, the crackle of the portal’s energy gone, and they’re both left standing facing each other in this awkward, “what happens now” kind of stillness.

“Um… I suppose I should-,” Cas begins, taking the flower out from his pocket and motioning towards the bunker hallway.

“Cas, wait,” Dean pleads, taking an unsure step towards Cas, who freezes in place with flower still in hand. “I… I really need to talk to you, man.”

Castiel’s forehead creases in confusion, hesitantly reaching back into his pocket to put the flower back. “I already told you, Dean. I heard your prayer-,”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Dean cuts him off with a wave of his hand. His tongue darts out to wet his upper lip, a nervous gesture he could never quite hide. “I just… I feel like you should hear it directly from me, if that makes sense?”

“Not really.”

Dean huffs. “Look Cas, it’s… I meant it, okay? Even if I was panicking over the thought of you being stuck in purgatory again and… it wasn’t just a “I might as well say it because you might be dead” kind of thing, okay?”

“I know,” Castiel says, still looking just as confused as he did moments ago. “I know you’re sorry, Dean. It’s okay. I believe you.”

And then Cas turns to walk away again, and Dean can’t help but get the feeling that Cas isn’t quite getting what he’s trying to say here. So, he darts out a hand and grasps Cas’s arm, bringing the angel to a standstill. Cas looks down at Dean’s hand around his arm in genuine surprise, almost as if Dean had done something incredible offensive, and then brings his gaze up to meet Dean’s desperate one. “Dean? Are you okay?”

Dean couldn’t help it. He laughs, though it sounds about as humorless as he was feeling right now. “No, Cas. I’m not. But… are you… did you hear my entire prayer?”

Castiel frowns at him again, blue eyes scanning across the sudden, unexpected timidness look on Dean’s face. “Yes. I heard all of it.”

Dean returns the inquisitive gaze, searching for any kind of reaction, a give of some sort that Cas was thinking back to those words he had prayed to him. But there’s nothing. Nothing but the usual patient look that Castiel always held. “Listen man, I’m always one for avoiding big girly talks as much as the next guy, but… are you really not going to say anything about it?”

“About what?”

Damn it. He’s really gonna make him say it again, huh?

“You know… the bit about how I uh… the thing I said, after I said I was sorry?”

“Oh!” Castiel says, his tone bright in realization. “When you said you love me?”

And wow, what a way for Cas to say it. Like it was just… a matter of fact. Like he was simply stating what the fucking weather was like.

Dean must be staring at Cas with a damn right bewildered face right now, as the look of concern Castiel had worn for pretty much this entire conversation began to increase tenfold. “What is it?”

“Seriously?” Dean splutters out, throwing his hands up in the air. “You’re telling me I had to discover this mind-altering revelation for myself, keep it pushed down, come to terms with it and finally get the balls to admit it to you, and your reaction is absolutely nothing?”

“But… I already knew you loved me?”

It’s enough to bring Dean’s mind to a standstill. Had he… he had somehow told Cas he loved him and didn’t remember it? Oh God, that damn memory spell… had he somehow called Cas and told him something before his memory completely went kaput? No, no, it couldn’t have been that… the counter spell regained all his memories of that shitty night, he’s pretty sure… Could Cas sense it, somehow? What if it was in his soul? Some kind of change to his soul that Cas picked up on?

“You… you knew?”

“Yes… You’ve reiterated to me many times that I’m like a brother to you, and, given your connection to Sam, I assumed that meant that kind of love extended to me as well? I don’t mean to offend you Dean, the fact that you put me in the same regard as Sam is an honor of itself-,”

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Cas. Oh, Cas, Cas, Cas. He had listened to what he had said, but he hadn’t really heard him. Strangely, it kind of hurt to think that, upon hearing his confession, Cas had just sort of automatically assumed that he had meant he loved him like a brother. Perhaps it hurt because, he wasn’t sure if Cas assumed that because of the way he’s always treated him, or because Cas could just never see Dean in any other way.

“Not what I meant, Cas,” Dean says quietly, though the words sounded loud in the quiet of the room. “Oh, Cas. You damn fool… I didn’t mean as a brother.”

Cas almost looks scared, and it’s about the equivalent of a rusty knife being twisted in his gut. Cas looked scared to be hopeful. Like he was scared to think of what his words meant. Dean reaches out a hand once more, gently grabbing hold of the sleeve of Cas’s trench coat. Cas doesn’t flinch or move his arm away, so Dean lets his hand slowly slip down, lets his fingers settle in the gap between Cas’s. Cas’s breath hitches at the feeling of warm skin against his hand, his eyes darting to their entwined hands then back up to Dean. His mouth parts, a question on his lips, which Dean answers with his own.

It’s… not what he was expecting. There’s no moment of inner panic, no feeling of wrongness that has him ripping away from Cas and furiously wiping at his lips. But it’s no “fireworks” moment, either. Cas’s lips are, confusingly, chapped and dry from the cold winds of Purgatory, and yet have a tender softness to them that has him leaning closer for more. He doesn’t taste like… well, that one Dean wasn’t sure about. He had kinda been expecting some kind of… of… soapy cleanliness taste of pure, heavenly Grace. But no, Cas tastes like dirt and sweat with a little metallic twang from what was likely a busted-up lip. It’s nothing like any girl he’s ever kissed has tasted like, and strangest of all, he doesn’t give him a damn. He’s not panicking about kissing Cas because “It’s Cas!”, he’s sinking into it, melting into the touch of Cas’s hand on his back, because It’s Cas.

But the moment can’t last forever. Cas goes tense under his hands, a sudden fear taking hold, and then he’s holding Dean at arm’s length. His eyes are wide and fixated on Dean’s face, chest rising and falling in tandem with his harsh breaths, despite the fact Dean’s fairly sure Cas doesn’t even have to breathe.

“Did you mean it?” Castiel asks, his fingers tightening their grip around Dean’s shoulders. “You… you love me like…?”

“Yeah, Cas,” Dean says with a blissed-out smile. “Not like a brother. I don’t just love you. I’m in love with you. And listen, I know I kinda sprung this up on you at a bad time, and… I know I’ve acted like a real jerk to you lately, so you have every right to just pretend like this never happened and-,”

“Don’t be an idiot, Dean Winchester,” Castiel cut him off, but there’s no malice to his voice as he does it. In fact, the small pull of a smile at the corner of his mouth widens to a gummy smile that Dean knows means this is a really happy Cas, and considering how rare he sees that from Cas, it brings him a sense of satisfaction that he’s the reason Cas is smiling like that.

“Sorry, Cas. Being an idiot is just who I am. Especially considering I was apparently stupid enough to go and fall in love.”

And then it’s Cas’s turn to make Dean freeze up in disbelief and stare at Cas wide-eyed, because he chuckles warmly at Dean’s statement and tells him, “I suppose that makes me stupid too, then.”

“Oh…” Is all Dean can squeak out, probably the un-manliest he’s ever sounded, but considering the beaming smile Cas sends his way, he guesses Cas didn’t seem to mind. “You, uh… you don’t have to say it if you don’t-,”

“I love you,” Castiel confessed, soft and sweet, yet it punches into Dean hard. “But I thought you already knew that.”

“Maybe you should stop assuming things, Cas.”

“And maybe you should stop waiting until you think I’m dead to say how you feel.”

“Touché,” Dean settles, grabbing hold of Cas’s hand once more and tugging him towards the door. “Oh, and-,” He stops mid-stride, Cas nearly colliding into him. Dean forces down a grin at Cas’s curious head tilt as he searches in his jacket pocket, pulling out the mixtape he’s kept there ever since Cas gave it back to him and planting it perhaps a little too harshly against Cas’s chest. “Don’t you ever try and give this back to me again.”

Cas places his free hand atop Dean’s on his chest, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Cas grabs hold of the mixtape before it can drop to the ground as Dean removes his hand, fingers curled protectively around the tape as he looks down at it with a fond smile.

“I suppose I should have known,” Castiel murmurs quietly, eyes softening with realization as he stares down at the tape. “You already tried to give your love to me. It was just in a language I had yet to truly understand.”

[nicollekidman]

hi abby love your work! my one thing that's confusing me re: a possible dean reciprocation is the script itself? reading it to me really just felt like they had to shoehorn in a compromise between what the fans wanted and what jensen didn't want (ending up with like "he's sad but he can't reciprocate because he's Straight which is still fine b/c cas self-actualized") idk what jensen's been up to the last few years but that seems to track with what i remember from my time being super into spn??

love my work skdfjhgj thanks! okay so like. this is really complicated and obviously involves an equal amount of conjecture from my side and it got stupid long so i’m hiding it!!! yikes!!

but the “jensen hates deancas and is disgusted by gay fans” thing is sooo skdjfh like. okay. NOT where he is right now based on like. the last five years of conventions and interviews but mostly based on stuff he said like 7/8 years ago right when destiel was picking up steam. a hyper-masculine man dealing with girls coming up to him and asking him to sign fanfic and essays and various things saying things about dean that he hadn’t considered before bc he thought he was playing a macho cowboy might do some really shitty stuff and i’m NOT saying people haven’t deal with crap from him before. but he’s been playing this for 10 years. people actually can wake the fuck up and change their behavior and i definitely think jensen is a case of this. like he IS my homophobic texas king but i don’t think he’s in that same space anymore, although he does deserve flack for that obviously. like as a person??? he’s not the same anymore and can i say thank fuck. wife. <3 supernatural is riddled with homophobia and i’m not an idiot i would never say otherwise but jensen himself? has figured shit out. 

as for the script and how DEAN feels in canon...... scripts aren’t fanfic. they don’t have space for long exposition especially when actors are very deep into their characters and know how they would react. again i’ll just say. it doesn’t say dean DOESN’T reciprocate, it says he CAN’T. we can just as much say “dean is unable to articulate a response in the moment because he has just been bombarded with so much devastating information in such a short amount of time he’s basically not functioning right now” as we can say “he's sad but he can't reciprocate because he's Straight which is still fine b/c cas self-actualized”. 

like i would argue that everything CONTEXTUALLY happening around the both of them just in this final season and scene itself gives us confirmation that dean DOES feel the same way. he says “why does this sound like a goodbye” “don’t do this cas” not in a “don’t be gross and say you love me” way he’s saying WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOURSELF AWAY FROM ME. he understands as cas is talking that he is purposefully saying goodbye and going away!!!! and when has dean winchester ever in a decade been able to look cas in the face and SAY with his WORDS “don’t go”. we’ve seen this exact scenario again and again and again and in fact it’s the only place logically for his narrative to go. amara said she thought bringing mary back would help dean let go of his anger, but it didn’t. dean said he didn’t know what was real and true about his life, and less than 24 hours before this scene he pulled a GUN on his BROTHER because he didn’t see another way to be free of the maze. a few weeks ago he was sobbing on his hands and knees in the forest telling cas that he didn’t understand where his anger was coming from and that he should’ve asked cas to stay. 

dean CAN’T reciprocate here because the reciprocation is going to be the culmination of his character arc in the show. the circumstances of cas’s confession were about cas, they were set up so cas could have his moment. but they’re all of dean’s worst fears realized. he’s powerless while his best friend in the world is sacrificing himself for him AGAIN! and dean can’t do anything! he’s hearing castiel say “i know you don’t feel the same way about me and that’s fine i know we can never be together but you are so loving and selfless and everything good you see in me comes from YOU and i won’t be here with you anymore but it’s enough just to say it” and dean is staring there. dealing with a) the fact that castiel has never been truly happy before this moment b) dean has never once been able to save castiel or stop him from going c) cas is utterly convinced beyond everything that dean doesn’t feel the same way and d) the second cas stops talking he’s going to willingly leave dean forever. dean. who just hours ago was ready to DUST GOD HIMSELF for taking control of dean’s life away from him. so no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he can’t reciprocate!!!!!!!!!! but there are two whole episodes left and dean has been struggling for seasons to properly articulate everything that cas just said about him, that he feels things more deeply than any human he’s ever met, that he cares more and loves more than anyone. we know that about dean but dean has never believed it about himself enough to say anything. AND ONCE AGAIN.... CAS CUT HIM OFF. dean’s last word to cas was his own name, and cas cut him off, just like he did in purgatory when dean said “there’s something i have to tell you”. the script leaves complete negative space where dean’s side of the conversation should be and that’s not because jensen is homophobic or dean is disgusted by cas it’s that dean’s entire arc is about building up the courage to HAVE his side of the conversation. so let’s. revisit this in a week or two shall we? 

[mattzerella-sticks]

A Dumb Idea (1.4 k, coda to 14x15 “The Last Holiday”, Sam & Dean, Dean/Cas)

(ao3)

They celebrated Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving, birthdays, even the Fourth of July. What about the other holidays? What about Valentine's Day?

Mrs. Butters actually had a plan for that, but she left before it could come to fruition. Sam, however, stumbles on Dean and a leftover piece from said plan. Something Dean would rather Sam not see. When he does get a peek as to what it is, well... Dean and Sam have a lot to talk about.

           Sam didn’t intend this. He called Dean’s name, first. Except his brother didn’t react. Head bowed, headphones on as he studied something before him. Music loud enough Sam faintly heard it from the kitchen’s entrance. Easily obscuring his footsteps as Sam approached, curious.

           Moving closer, Sam saw a pencil in Dean’s hand. Wrinkled paper waiting underneath it. Marred with illegible words. He placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder, “What are you writing?”

           Dean jumped, headphones slipping off his head. Zeppelin blaring, echoing across the room until his brother slammed a fist on his mp3. “Christ, Sammy,” Dean turned, glaring. Both hands covered the folded paper, pencil forgotten as it rolled away. “Don’t do that! Could’ve had a heart attack.”

           “You have a better chance at going deaf than having a heart attack, Dean.”

           “At least then Eileen could teach me sign language,” he said, bending forward. Somehow maintaining eye contact with Sam. “And we can gossip behind your back with complicated, advanced signing that you can’t do because of your big moose hooves.”

           Snorting, Sam brushed the insult aside. He won’t be distracted that easy. “What are you doing?” he asked, again, “What are you writing?”

           Dean’s lip twitched. His gaze flit between the paper and Sam. “I’m not writing anything.” The pencil, thrown from the table’s edge, landed with a guilty clatter. “Okay, I was writing something,” Dean admit, dragging the page towards him, “It’s… a grocery list.”

           “Groceries?”

           “Yeah, those things you buy?” Dean rose with a nervous giggle, the paper pressed against his chest, “Mrs. Butters wasn’t here for that long Sam, you must remember food doesn’t naturally poof out of thin air. So I set to taking stock of what we needed and… actually, I just finished.” He inched backwards, Sam trailing after him. “Might as well go and get the groceries, now that I have the… the list.”

           Sam shrugged, grinning, “That makes sense.”

           “It does, doesn’t it?”

           A beat later, Sam pounced. Dean, anticipating his attack, spun on his heel. Sam’s chest colliding with his back, blanketing it. But Dean hadn’t considered his next move, because the kitchen island blocked any attempt at escape. Trapped between Sam and it, all he could do was play defense while Sam used every dirty trick on making his brother let go. Because Sam already ran through the scenario in his head, planning for this moment. From the second he saw Dean hide that paper.

           It wasn’t what he intended; Dean left him no choice.

           He tickles, he pinches, and he pulls. Finally, Dean surrenders his hold on the paper. Sam snatches it and bolts, his brother chasing him. “Sammy!”

           “Grocery list my ass!” he yells behind him, skidding around a turn in the hall. Narrowly avoiding Dean’s fist, laughing as he slams into the wall Sam avoided. “Let’s see what you were really writing…” His eyes scan the front of the paper, reading aloud what Dean scrawled in bright red ink. “I never really believed in angels,” he says, slowing, “until I met you.”

           Dean slams into him, both sent tumbling. They lie on their backs, panting, the paper in Sam’s hand with Dean’s creeping closer. Sam feels it go taut as Dean grabs hold, yet he won’t fight further. Perhaps afraid of ruining what’s there. Of the cheesy pick-up line titling his inner thoughts, bookended by doodled wings and a giant, colored heart stamped on the bottom.

           “Really,” Sam gasps, “you got so worked up over that.” His body burns with exhaustion, having overexerted himself. Although not really. Sam should be more concerned with his stamina, except there were other matters that need his attention.

           “Shut up…” Dean’s cheeks were red, from embarrassment, exercise, or a combination of both. “Shit’s personal.”

           “And grade school,” Sam says. He lurches into a seated position, Dean popping up alongside him. Neither letting go, still. “What are you doing writing a Valentine’s Day card?”

           “Why does anyone write a Valentine’s Day card, Sam?” Dean stares at his feet, thinking. The grip on his end goes slack, hand falling to his side. “Read it.”

           Sam hesitates. “Are you sure?”

           “You’ve already seen enough,” he sighs, pinching his brow. “Come on. Do it, before I change my mind.”

           Noting the twinges of irritation threaded into his voice, Sam knows he won’t have long. He flicks it open, first three letters stealing his breath. Glancing at Dean, he sees his brother curled. Physically making himself smaller, like Dean could disappear if he tried hard enough. Sam keeps his initial thoughts silent, saving it for the end.

           Which was the right choice. If the first word were a seed, then the rest of his message was the flower. Each sentence like a petal that together created a beautiful image. Of a secret love. Simmering feelings, strengthening over time. Insecurities laid bare that Sam had expected yet never confirmed until now. A simple plea – a prayer – that leaves him raw, despite the words having come from someone else.

           Sam closes it, wiping at his eyes. “I…” he clears his throat, “Wow. You were planning on giving this to Cas?”

           “Yes…” Dean pouts, snatching the card from Sam. He lets Dean take it. “Maybe, I – I don’t know.”

           “But you wrote it,” Sam says, “Did you… did you mean it? Everything?”

           “Of course I did!” He waves the card about, snarling, “If I didn’t mean it, it wouldn’t be there.”

           Nodding, Sam slides closer. Throws an arm around Dean, tugging him into a loose hug. “How long have you been sitting on this?”

           “On the feelings or the card?”

           “The card.”

           Dean relaxes, leaning on Sam. “A few days now. You were getting ready for your date with Eileen and, well… when Mrs. Butters was still here, she was going on about the next holiday we should celebrate. With Eileen here, maybe invite her over and do a whole Valentine’s Day dinner…” He chuckles, rubbing at his jaw. “And I was eating some of her snickerdoodles, and she looked at me. Clucked her tongue and said how it’d be perfect to set me up with a girl as good as Eileen. I… don’t know if it was because I was in such a good mood, or it was easier, explaining to a stranger, but it all came – it came rushing out. I couldn’t stop myself. Then… when I was finished… y’know what she did? She magicked up that paper and the – the pencil back in the kitchen. And said I should put everything I said down there. Invite Cas over and then give it to him.”

           Sam braves a smile for both of them. “Sounded like it would have been fun.”

           “No,” Dean says, “it wouldn’t. Because then Cas would read my card and… and he’d know how I really feel.”

           “That’s a problem?”

           “It’s a problem if he doesn’t feel the same!” He throws Sam off of him, scrambling to his feet. Sam stands, too. “I have all these big, awful, disgusting… intense, amazing, fantastic feelings for him, but what if that’s where it ends. That for him I…” Dean shudders, body shaking. “I’m just a friend. And this whole time I’ve been imagining more than what was there. Hoping that maybe, the reason we always found our way back to each other, was because we were meant to.”

           “Dean,” Sam starts, cautiously approaching him. Gentle, like he was a wild deer. Skittish, alert for any surprises. “You won’t know if you don’t try… I’m sure that, when Cas sees that, he’ll be happy. More than happy!”

           “You don’t know,” Dean says, lifting the card. Scowling, he holds it on either side. “This was a dumb idea anyway… I shouldn’t have ever listened to her.”

           “Dean, don’t –“

           He rips it. Rips it again. A third time, and many more after that until confetti rains from his fingers. Sam watches this happen with a pit in his stomach, all of Dean’s hard work disappearing in an instant. Resolve crumbling as fast.

           Dean sniffs, swiping his nose. “Let’s… forget this ever happened, okay Sammy?” he says, stalking down the hall, “Got more important things we should be focusing on anyway…”

           He disappears, footfalls echoing until those, too, end. Sam stays, staring at the pile of shreds.

           Sam bends, sweeping them into his hands. Makes sure they’re all there. Then he heads towards his room.

           Cas is due back soon, anyway. If Sam acts quickly, at least some of what Dean wrote can reach him. Enough for them to have the conversation that’s been looming overhead for years now. The clock is ticking, and Sam will be damned if it runs out on those two.

[whateverthedragonswant]

and the rewatch continues

So rewatching most of season 5 and dipping into season 6, after coming from season 4, I found some things very interesting, things I actually had forgotten about and some that just hit differently now that the show has ended:

Season 4:

Brothers - different iterations: Had that finale happened after this season, it might have made better sense (though I STILL say the manner of Dean’s death is laughable)

Destiel & Cas: While Cas and Dean have some uncomfortable staring contests and there’s chemistry, I didn’t get the whole Destiel vibe (this is just my personal take), yes there’s a bond there, a growing partnership so to speak but I feel like Cas is not around enough for it to be in the forefront of the story or even to demand Dean’s attention in a way. Like Cas made his big entrance in 4x01 and we saw how things took off from there for the story and for this connection/bond between he and Dean but Dean is early season Dean and Cas is early season Cas. Though I found Cas’ interest in everything Dean Winchester to be intriguing (and he put Dean back together with his own hands, I just...this really does become the greatest love story ever told, I swear), I personally didn’t get the whole UST vibes that has been talked about. I actually found myself wanting to go deeper into Cas’ story (a la 6x20 style) aside from Dean’s and Sam’s. 

Anna: That whole night with Anna was purely that: a night. There wasn’t a whole lot of chemistry between Jensen and Julie and it’s very clear that this whole sex-on-last-night-on-earth thing is for comfort, for both characters. I kind of get why they switched up gears there for Dean’s angel role, even if they didn’t intend for Destiel to read as romantic at all initially. 4x09 & especially 4x10 were so obviously trying to ying and yang the brothers and the sides that had chosen them/complemented them: Anna | Ruby, Heaven | Hell -> eventually Michael | Lucifer. But back to Anna, while I enjoyed her character and would have loved to delve deeper with her, I am glad Cas was the one who got to stay. Anna and Dean had no chemistry, outside of a couple of glances before the big hookup/last night on Earth deal, there wasn’t really anything there. Tbf, they didn’t have a lot of private time before that, except maybe one convo. To me, in this scenario, Anna was a source of comfort (after she tells Dean he needs to forgive himself for what happened in Hell which I very much appreciated, someone had to tell him that) and attraction, letting her have her last night on Earth, a hookup, etc. But there was nothing deeper there. And for this bond with an angel to happen, there needed to be something deeper there. Perhaps had Anna been around longer and didn’t go the way she did in season 5, it might have but I honestly tend to doubt it. We all know Cas and Dean’s (Misha’s and Jensen’s) natural chemistry is off the charts. I’m not sure Anna (Julie) could have competed with that had both Cas and Anna stuck around together. I know I’m completely biased here, but I almost felt like Anna and Cas had more chemistry together, it might have been because they got more face time, I’m not sure. But I thoroughly enjoyed watching it all go down again.

Adam: Omg I forgot about how Adam wasn’t Adam when Dean and Sam first met him. That was heartbreaking on so many levels, but mostly for Adam and his mom dying the way they did and of course, for Dean and Sam. Namely Dean because he was the most affected by finding out about Adam’s existence. And I swear I fell in love with Dean more in that episode as a character because despite his pain, his anger, his hurt, he still tries to do the right thing by Adam, to honor his dad’s wishes. And John...that mf’er doesn’t deserve any of those boys as his sons. What an asshole through and through. 

Season 5:

Destiel & Cas: And now we see Cas becoming a bit more forefront and the vibe has changed...slightly. Now it’s a partnership turning into a friendship. Dean and Cas get a bit more face time and it shows. 5x03 was awesome and of course the wholly unnecessary line of “One, Bert and Ernie are gay” -- like where did that come from? I still loved it. It was tough to see Dean and Sam go their separate ways in the beginning but we still got some gold out of it with 5x03 and 5x04. And thankfully, we get more into not only more of the angel and apocalypse lore this season, but we also get to see how Cas’ relationship with the Winchesters is changing and more of what makes Cas tick as a character in his own right. And of course, bamf!Cas was very present. 

Brothers: Once again, had that finale happened after this season, it might have made more sense (sans the junk death) - because it’s very obvious that the co-dependency is alive and well here and it would have made more sense for their characters - while they have others outside of the two of them they are caring about (Bobby, Ellen, Jo just to name a few), it’s still the exclusive Winchester-only club. I truly enjoyed watching these two working together and moving towards the season finale. Dean’s memory of Sam and the fireworks, Dean talking about how Sam’s best memories weren’t the same as his (shocker, John Winchester is a d-bag, I’ll keep saying it), Dean struggling to make the decision to say yes to Michael, having to agree with the plan for Sam to say yes to Lucifer to try to trap the latter, Dean showing up to the cemetery -- all of it was incredible and the two of them were the beating heart of the show at that point. 5x22 will always be one of my favorite season finales for that show. It was pure awesomeness, truly epic and perfect.

Dean: holy hell, they really, really threw a lot into Dean this season - not that they hadn’t before, but damn. Each season just amps up the Dean game, just like I remember, and I am happily here for it again. No offense to Sam at all, but Dean is just so complex, so complicated yet straightforward, and there’s so many layers to him that they just keep peeling back and they feed us well each season. I swear, if you turned the sound off and just watched that scene where Dean tells Zachariah to call Michael, where Dean and Sam go their separate ways, you would know exactly everything Dean is feeling and thinking thanks to the incredible talent of one Mr. Jensen Ackles. Just really incredible. How this man never got nominated for an Emmy at any point for this show just astounds me. Yes, I know that show wasn’t considered a contender for that type of award run, but dammmnnnn. He deserves it and more. Watching this season and season 4 really brought back the original reasons I fell in love with Dean as a character in the first place. One of the best characters ever, I’m telling you. And may I just say, I hated that they brought back John’s leather jacket for him in the season finale but I get it, it was Kripke’s swan song (did I just do that? I believe I did) so we of course went back to core Winchester things, not just in story but every element. I’m ngl, I was so glad to see Dean shed it though when he is sitting down to dinner with Lisa and Ben.

Apocalypse: I thoroughly enjoyed this whole plot line - this really was high stakes, more than ever before, and though angels were dicks, there was Lucifer of course and a mysterious though mostly absent God behind the curtain - you just never knew what was going to be thrown at you next, just like the boys were going through.

Heaven/Mary: even though this definitely has to do with Dean more so, I did enjoy them seeing Ash and Pam, Ash’s setup, and of course Mary being there, seeing how such a good memory could be manipulated by the dick angels and the horrible things Mary said to Dean. Of course, I felt for Dean but it was interesting to see that whole scene play out. Plus we got even more confirmation of what we’ve known all along: John is a bonafide asshole and Dean really did experience facets of spousification, even before Mary died (which just makes me so sad for him, I swear if they don’t put a Cas vs John scene in the reboot... because you know Cas will win that thumb war)

Meg: ngl, I wasn’t really crazy about this iteration of Meg - I don’t mean Rachel Miner’s version, just this particular performance, which I chalk up to whoever decided they wanted her to go this route in her performance - I couldn’t believe it was the same character, the same actress - I am so glad the show/Rachel developed the character we all love to hate and secretly really love to how she was in later seasons

Jo: omg Jo. I have to admit, in season 2, in the first episode she showed up in, I despised her. She was like that bratty teenage kid who’s a real pain in the ass and whines and doesn’t get it. But after that episode, I grew to love her with each one she was in. She became a bamf in her own right and I loved seeing that come through this season especially. Her death was horrific (what is it with this show killing off bamf female hunters in such a gruesome way? it brought back horrible Eileen flashbacks for me personally, and for them to turn Meg and Ketch into somewhat redeemable characters after that... you know, I swear...) but heroic and I had never been more proud of my girl. Except the scene with Dean in the kitchen. As much as I love my chaotic hunter son, I was glad to see Jo flip him off in the way she did. So proud. And then her goodbye with Dean, I had forgotten exactly what he did so I was going “omg, she just saved you, Dean, this girl has feelings for you, she deserves at least a kiss, kiss her. right. the fuck. now!” and sure enough, he did, on the forehead, which I was like okay, well I get it, he doesn’t return those feelings but he does care about her but dammit, she deserved for him to plant one on her. and then he did and I was just gone, I was a complete bawling mess. And her goodbye scene with Ellen, and then her death along with Ellen’s sacrificing herself to stay by Jo’s side and give the boys a chance to get out of there...yeah, I didn’t stop crying for about five minutes. I cannot tell you how much I miss those characters and I would have sold someone else’s right arm to make their return in the series finale happen. Besides the obvious characters that should have been present, Ellen, Jo, and Ash deserved to be there (just not Samantha and Chad, if we can get a “Cas helped” for the third major character/lead, we can also get a “Ellen and Jo went to assist in setting up the honeymoon suite above the roadhouse - I said what I said).

John: usually, I cannot abide giving any time to this jerk, never mind talking about him, but I have to say I enjoyed seeing pre-loss John in 5x13. That conversation he has with Sam I think is so glaringly important. I know it was for Sam to forgive John and heal, but the fact that John himself is saying “how could he do that to you? he was supposed to protect you” -- yep, that was pure poetic cinema in my eyes. Because pre-loss John is right, how dare post-loss John do that to his boys? There’s no excuse anyone or this show can give him. As much as I love JDM, post-loss John Winchester will never be okay in my book.

Adam: omg Adam. First of all, I loved his dynamic with Sam and Dean. I really, really wish we could have had him around longer just for that alone. What an awesome character we could have had giving Dean and Sam a run for their money. “Well, we’re working on the power of love.” “How’s that going?” “Not so great.” -- give me an episode of the three brothers on a milk run hunt (sans generic mask-wearing vampmimes) with all of the fixings and I swear we would get done!Sam, consistently being roasted between Dean and Adam, and then Dean thinking he’s got a mutual now, a BFF, and Adam turning right around to roast him as well. It would be epic, I tell you, epic. I wish Adam had gotten a better end, this season and at the end of the series. He certainly deserved better. And this may be a random observation but why did Michael take Adam at all? I know the countdown had begun and he was desperate to grab a vessel so he could fight Lucifer at the appointed time and Dean was not giving in (that he knew of), but what chance of victory did he think he had without using his true vessel? Using that logic, I guess Michael’s end in the series makes more sense now...? Who knows.

Chuck: Swan Song (5x22) and the lines, “Endings are hard. Any chapped ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning but endings are impossible. You try to tie up every loose end but you never can. The fans are always gonna bitch. There’s always gonna be holes. And since it’s the ending, it’s all supposed to add up to something. I’m telling you, they’re a raging pain in the ass“ -- did anyone else feel like that was Kripke speaking or is it just me?

Season 6:

the whole Lisa thing: while it was nice to see Dean go domestic, I have to say I was more invested in Dean and Ben’s relationship development than I was with Dean and Lisa’s. The chemistry just wasn’t there, I have to be honest (he and Anna actually had more chemistry for a few minutes than he did with Lisa this whole season). I don’t doubt they loved each other, it was real, and Lisa was good for him at the time but it just didn’t have that spark. I loved Lisa as a character in her own right, but I was happy to see her and Dean eventually go their separate ways. Though my heart broke for Ben on that one. He and Dean really had a whole father-son bond happening there. I appreciated that when Ben called him, even that one time that nothing was really wrong, Dean dropped everything and headed right over. They had a bond of their own happening outside of Dean and Lisa’s. I think Dean ultimately made the right choice in the end to keep Lisa and Ben safe (though they should have been able to choose if they wanted this), but God did that cost him and we see it in that scene outside of the hospital with Sam. How much that hurt for him, and for us to see how it killed him to do it. I’m still grateful that he got to see what the domestic life was like and that he got a reprieve from hunting for a bit. It made complete sense as to why Cas didn’t want to pull him back in to ask for help with Raphael.

Destiel: Welp, now there’s definitely an emotional relationship happening. Meaning the bond has become even more forefront and not only is Dean affected, but we also see that Cas is, too. Dean’s reaction to finding out Cas was working with Crowley the whole time, Cas’ reaction to Dean choosing to save the two boys instead of focusing on finding Eve, Cas’ reaction to Dean’s stance on the Crowley situation, Dean’s finding out Crowley kidnapped Lisa and Ben, Cas asking Dean to trust him, Dean seeing Cas becoming the new God and needing to summon Death, etc. It was fantastic. While it hurt during some moments, I enjoyed seeing the dynamics and reactions to these situations play out. This is definitely a friendship now, a family relationship formed (and still forming) like Dean says in 6x20. Imho, Jensen and Misha knocked it out of the park this season when it came to that relationship. I loved it.

Cas: holy hell, 6x20 has become one of my all-time favorite episodes of SPN. I loved seeing Cas’ POV. Cas was already a fave character of mine but this episode made me fall in love with him all over again. This was incredible and I’m so thankful they fed us so well with this one. I really enjoyed seeing Cas as a character stepping into the forefront, right there with Dean and Sam. Yes, he was a part of TFW before this, but you have to admit that in this season, it becomes a whole new ball game. Really amazing stuff and of course, Misha slayed it all.

Meg & Megstiel: I was so happy to see the iteration of Meg return that we know from later seasons. Maybe I’m just too used to that version but to me this felt more effortless for the character and for Rachel, that really let both shine. Personally, I’m not a Megstiel shipper. While I love their dynamic, it just isn’t there for me, but I really did enjoy their scenes together. Cas felt as if he needed a little shaking up so to speak so I think she was perfect for that. Plus, I have a hard time forgiving those in the show that sic Hellhounds on my bamf female hunters so that might be partially the reason for my bias, just saying. (I never really forgave Ketch either)

Samuel...& Co: I just...why? Don’t get me wrong, I liked Mitch but this felt a bit...I don’t know...off? Other than some place for Soulless!Sam to go while Dean was playing house and for nabbing Alphas for Crowley, I don’t get what the point of this story line was? Was it to show us that Mary’s dad was a d-bag? Check. Was it to show us how people sometimes make the worst decisions when it comes to their family? Double check. Like, we kind of already got that and it was just unnecessary confirmation if that makes sense. And the thing that kills me is that Samuel was in Hell (or goes to Hell, I kind of did other things in the background during that arc) but he loved his daughter enough to betray her sons and do the wrong thing but John gets to go to Heaven? This still confounds me. Though I enjoyed Gwen and it was a shame she couldn’t be a family contact in another state for the boys later on to pop up every now and then.

Soulless!Sam: I enjoyed this part of Sam’s arc but I won’t lie, I was relieved like everyone else when he finally got his soul back though waited with bated breath for the other shoe to drop. But it was interesting to see this side of Sam.

Dad!Dean: I know I mentioned Dean and Ben above, but that one episode with the shifter!baby, that was priceless and God, did I love it.

I just loved going back to this for both boys

[realllllfangirllllll]

More Than Friends || Chp. 8

(M)

Masterlist

CEO!Jaehyun AU x Reader

College Student!Jaemin AU x Reader

Summary: After a complicated relationship with the infamous CEO, you want nothing more than to live your life as a normal college student; however, Mr. CEO just can’t let you go.

{ Previous / Next }

Warning: SMUT

Anxiously sitting in the back of the lecture hall, you continue to text Mark, worrying that Jaehyun might see you. However, from the moment you stepped through the doors, his eyes never left your side even when you tried to cover your face with a folder.

He continue his speech with ease, dropping sly smirks and winks your way without any suspicions from the rest of the students in the large room. Slowly, you start to feel a blush creep up your face and couldn’t help but think back to all the times you’ve spent on his bed, on the kitchen counter, and any other inanimate object he could possibly push you on top of.

Like by instinct, Jaehyun knew what you were exactly thinking of. You tensed up as your eyes followed his smooth tongue gliding along his lips as he finished his speech, “Thank you for taking time out of your busy class schedule to listen to me. I hope you all know how having will and strength can push you forward to building a successful path down the road.”

After half-mindedly listening to his speech, you were surprised at this new side of Jaehyun. You only ever knew him as the cocky player who wants nothing but fun, but today, you saw his professional and serious side. For a second, you admired him and felt empowered. That was until he made eye contact with you and oh so subtly bit his lip. Purposely making memories of you pleasuring him while he softly groaned and bit his lip to come flooding back, and that’s all that took for you to hide your face on top of the desk, your forehead making too loud of a noise when it came in contact with the hard material. Mark and Soyeon turned their heads to give you weird glances, while you were just slowly suffering on the inside, wishing for this day to end.

Before everyone begin applauding, the school’s dean held her hands up halting any movements. She announced with beaming eyes, “Before our special lecture ends, I would like to thank Mr. Jung for his kind donations to our school research fund and announce that Mr. Jung and his company, SM Management, so generously offered a few spots for an internship.” The whole room burst with excited chatter and shouts. The dean continued, “If you are interested in this once in a lifetime opportunity, please stop by the activities office and pick up an application. Thank you for politely listening to Mr. Jung, you are all dismissed for the day.”

As the students started filing out the room, you were taken aback by the announcement. Confused and frustrated by the scenarios that laid out during the few hours that you have sat in this lecture hall.

Hoping for some fresh air, you exited through the back door which led to the back of the main building. After clearing your head you pulled out your phone to call Mark. Before you could press dial, you shut your eyes tight, knowing Jaehyun had spotted you and is now towering over you. “How can I help you Mr. Jung?” You said almost mockingly to hide your embarrassment.

“You look beautiful today, baby.”

You let out a scoff, confused by his sudden confession, “What? You need to stop with the flirting mister and start telling me things about you.” You started ranting out of anger, “How can you say that after throwing the ‘I am a successful CEO of a huge ass company more so than the President, or so my friend says’ bomb and just scream to my face that ‘yeah I seem like I don’t give a fuck about life and just want fun but I’m actually really professional and serious when I want to be but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop seducing you because I’m handsome and know how to fuck really well’??”

He let out a soft laugh, putting his dimples on full display, “So you think I fuck well?”

You rolled your eyes, not even surprised that he only heard the last words of your crazy rant. You were ready to yell at him even more for putting you in such a tight and frustrated spot but no words came out of your mouth the second he placed his hand over your upper thighs.

He lowered his head to whisper next to your ear, “Why are you wearing such a short skirt to school hm?”

His breath fanning your neck made you melt and your core aching, forgetting everything but his husky voice and his wandering hands. You were trying so hard to stay focused and straighten out the situation at hand, but when his hand brushed against your heat, you lost all sanity. You grabbed his neck and pushed your plump lips against his. He held your hips and pushed you against the wall, roughly but passionately kissing you at the same time.

“J-Jaehyun, I need you so bad right now,” you mumbled against his lips, knowing you’d regret everything that was about to happen.

He started kissing down your jawline, then sucking harshly down your collarbone. “What was that baby? I can’t hear you,” he teasingly said as he knead your breast over your loose, white sweater.

“I said, ahh!” You let out a sudden squeal as Jaehyun pulled your panties aside and plunged two fingers in you without warning. “Ah shit you’re too tight baby, how are you going to take me,” He groaned as he continue to thrust his fingers in and out of your slick heat.

You continued relentlessly moaning as he worked you up, forgetting that you are in an open space where anyone could walk in on the two of you at any time. You were about to tell him you were close, but he covered your mouth with his big hand when he heard footsteps.

“Y/n! Are you there? Where the hell is she...”

Your eyes widened, suddenly remembering that Mark was waiting for you to head to Soyeon’s place. You looked at Jaehyun with shaking pupils but he paid no mind to your anxious behavior as he continue to work his fingers up and down your heat, all the same time with his other hand covering your mouth.

When the footsteps continue getting closer, Jaehyun uncovered your mouth and pushed you inside what you assume is a supply room. He locked it and shoved you against the opposite wall, supply cabinets surrounding both sides of you. You listened as Mark’s footsteps grew louder, but you couldn’t hold it in anymore, you came undone on Jaehyun’s fast, moving fingers, your moans and whines being muffled by his hand.

As you finished coming down from your high, you glared at the man in front of you, “What the fuck Jaehyun? What if he saw us??”

He paid no mind to your panic as he smirked, pulling his two fingers out of you and put them in his mouth, “You taste just as sweet as I remembered.”

You were aggravated by his impulsive behavior and wanted to get back at him for putting you on the spot. You looked at him as he wiped the corner of his mouth with his thumb, then smirked as your eyes lowered to his bulge, waiting to be set free from the tight suit pants he had on. Your hands slightly brushed the tip of his bulge and stopped on his tie. You wrapped the expensive material around your hand and pulled him closer. When your lips were just about to touch, you slightly turned your head to avoid it, all while placing your other hand on his harden member. You slowly untied his tie and threw it aside, taking your time as you unbuttoned his dress shirt one button at a time. He let out a low, frustrated growl when you reached the last button on his shirt. He grabbed your wrists and bounded them behind your back with the tie you threw aside. He harshly ripped his shirt undone as the last button on it flew to the ground. He unbuckled his belt, pulled the zipper down and took his erect member out of his uncomfortable pants. “Don’t you dare tease me baby,” he growled and forcefully tugged down your panties and shoved his member in you without any warning. You tugged at his tie as he rammed into you, painful but pleasurable, at the same time.

His powerful thrusts, the sound of your sinful moans, and his low groans were the only noises that filled the supply room. Not caring if anyone heard your intense session, Jaehyun pulled his member all the way out of you just to push it back in you, continuously hitting your g-spot perfectly. You could hear supplies falling around you but you didn’t care. You were so close to cumming around his throbbing length that you begged, “I’m so close please...”

Jaehyun smirked as he continue thrusting into you, his pace getting sloppy as he was near as well, “Please What?”

“Please, sir?” You questioned confusingly as you were on the edge of your release.

He couldn’t help but chuckle amusingly at your nickname for him, “I mean where do you want me to cum on you.”

Your cheeks were tinted red, “M-My mouth, AHH JAE,” you screamed his name as you cummed all over his dick. He continue thrusting in you to ride out your high. When you got back your grip on reality, Jaehyun pulled his dick out of you and you got down on your knees, opening your mouth big and wide for him.

“Fuckk you’re such a pretty whore for me,” he groaned huskily as you moved closer to suck his dick. He came undone on your tongue and you tried your best to swallow all his cum, the remainder dripping down your chin.

You got up and wiped the remaining cum back into your mouth as Jaehyun attempted to put his clothes back on to look as presentable as before. Before you could grab your panties hanging on the shelf, Jaehyun kissed you and took the panties, shoving them in the pockets of his pants. He pulled away from the kiss and smirked.

“Drop by if you want them back, baby.”

———

• there it is the first smut of this series! Sorry I took forever it’s v hard to write .-. •

• Also, HAPPY THIRD YEAR to NCT 127 !!! •

[jadewritings]

Love Letters To My Professor - Talk To Me

PAIRING: Sam Winchester x Reader, Dean Winchester x reader

WORD COUNT: 2k ish

WARNINGS: Language, fluff, angry!sam, imagined smut

AUTHOR'S NOTE: AAAAAAHHH!! I love this chapter UwU

Another week. Another week without talking to Sam. Dean you'd talk plenty to but purposely left the conversation if Sam came up to you. He was starting get really pissed off and you enjoyed it.

Okay, maybe you were taking it too far by going this long without letting him explain but it was a fun game to play. You wondered how far you could push him.

But when you really thought about it, really looked at why you were acting this way, you knew. You were developing feelings for the man.  You couldn't tell anyone. But you also didn't want to keep it bottled up.  So you decided to start writing it down. You'd bought a journal to write it all in. You set them up as a genuine letter and used about two pages worth to write how you were feeling. Both front and back.

Then Dean started getting under your skin. He flirted constantly and ever since you saw him that first day on campus, flirting with the other girls, you hadn't seen him do it again. He only had eyes for you now.

You'd grown close to Dean too. Maybe there was something there. But you knew you couldn't have both. Things were just so complicated and you still had to worry about actual college. Not boys who vied for your attention. Well if they actually wanted it.

When you thought about it you didn't mind sharing. Hell, that would be the perfect scenario, right?

Your dreams filled with both of the men. They were the only thing on your mind for the past week. But you had to focus. Schoolwork and soccer came first.  

You were in Sam's class today, you were working on an assignment. He had the class research their favorite mythological creature and make a PowerPoint on it. You choose a Phoenix because they were badass and majestic.

He sat at his desk, looking at his laptop. You could feel every time he looked up at you. His pen tapped anxiously on his desk. Your eyes were glued to your screen and wrote down important details you'd need or want to use in the presentation.

Your phone buzzed next to you. The screen lit up and your attention turned to it. Dean's name popped up through iMessage and you set your pencil down to unlock your phone and look at it. Everyone on the team had their numbers so it wasn't too odd for him to be texting. That was, until you actually read the message.

Dean: Hey! Since tomorrow is the weekend, I was wondering if you'd like to go see a movie or something? Eat dinner after?

Y/N: Isn't that a little inappropriate? Asking your player on a date?

Dean: Not if we just call it two friends hanging out. Plus I don't work directly through the school. I work as a mechanic.

Y/N: And what do you think Sam will say about this?

Dean: Who cares? It's not like I haven't shared with him before.

You slammed your phone down on the desk, heat rising to your face. Everyone turned their attention to the loud noise and you lowered your head, trying to conceal yourself.

Why did he have to say that?!

Your phone buzzed again. Then again. You were scared to look at it again.

Sam gave you an odd look. He looked confused and you dared to look back at him. The bell rang, signaling the end of class and he took in a deep breath, looking down at his laptop again before closing it.

You did the same, returning it to your bag. These small laptop were the schools but they were rented for this class. You were allowed to take them for the time being.

You looked at your phone to see the other messages Dean had sent, as much as you were afraid to.

Dean: I take that as a yes then?

Dean: I'll pick you up tonight around 8. See you then gorgeous ;)

You lowered your phone just as you pumped into a brick wall. Or rather, Sam's chest.

"Coach? What's up?"

His nostrils flared at his name. And he tried hard to suppress an angered shiver.

"You know damn well what's up. You've been ignoring me."

"And?" You asked, pretending to not notice his breathing stutter.

"And?! And you never gave me the chance to explain myself—"

"There's nothing to explain, Sam.  You can fuck whoever you want. We're not together, probably never will be. I'm not going to stop you. Mrs. Levi really seems to like you and I'm sure her tits will rub you in all the right ways." You didn't mean to sound so mean but you couldn't help it. The jealousy just took over and made the words come out of its own volition.

His hands clenched and unclenched a few times, his eyes closing trying to calm himself down. You really worked this man to his core. Why? You didn't know but he was hot when he was angry. His chest flared out and his pecs pushed against the fabric of his white shirt.

You scoffed and tried to get around him, shaking your head. You didn't have to deal with this. Besides you had a date tonight. Well... a friendly hangout.

You didn't even get a step in before Sam pushed you against the wall. His breath was hot in your face and you yelped when he did it. His hands blocked either side of your head, making escape impossible. You looked at the door, which was open. If anyone walked by or in they would be suspicious by the scene.

"Sam.."

"Shut up." He growled, "Do you know how hard it's been trying to get you out of my head?"

"W-What?"

"I said shut up!" He yelled.

You whimpered and shut your eyes tight.

"....Y/N." His voice was lower.

You cautiously looked at him, "I hate it when you ignore me." He said, his eyes lingering on your lips.

"I hate it when you call me coach because I love the way my name sounds coming out of your mouth." If your heart could beat any faster, it might've beat right out of your chest.

"I don't want Mrs. Levi. I don't want anyone else but the one person I can't have because she's my fucking student."

He sighed, sliding his hands down the wall and back to his sides. You could leave now, but you couldn't help but stare at him. This gorgeous man in front of you just confessed he wanted you. Little did he know, you wanted him just as much. If not, more.

"I-I'm sorry." And you rushed out of the door. You couldn't bare to look back. Your heart ripped in half leaving him without saying anything but could you really say? Hey I'm falling in love with you but I'd probably get kicked out and ruin my chance at playing for a big soccer league so I can't be with you? Yeah you'd broke his heart enough by leaving.

••••

Sam's Brief POV

Y/N just left me. She ran out and didn't even look back. What was that supposed to tell me? I just poured my heart out to the girl and she fucking leaves! Well, I couldn't blame her. The school would fire me and probably kick her out if they found out about a teacher-student relationship.

I really didn't see the problem with it. It's not like this is high school, she's a big girl, well over the age.

I was frustrated though. She ignored me for so long, only speaking to Dean. And calling me coach, that pissed me off the most.

I always imagine what she sounds like, screaming out my name underneath me while I fuck her into the mattress. Then she goes and calls me coach. Ruins the moment really. Why her? Why did I have to get involved with her? That day she had us stay in the bed, and she dug her ass into my dick, that's what started it all.

I punched the wall in front of me. Though it barely even did anything since it was concrete. My knuckles slowly started to bleed but not too much. I wiped that same hand down my face before I notice a black book on the floor.

Is this Y/N's? She must have dropped it when she ran out.

I picked it up and opened it to the first page. I didn't intend to read it. I only wanted to see if there was a name or something to identify it. But I saw her handwriting and couldn't help myself.

These are... love letters? About... oh my god, these are about me.

-Part 6-

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[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anatomy Season 16x17 review.

What a messed up episode it was. So starting from the most messed up and going down.

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Tom Koracick He gets a section tomhimself today because honestly, his life is starting to get really complicate as was expected seeing that he's at Grey Sloan. Him and Teddy, somehow or the other I feel he's going to have the worst part of this stick. Teddy has Been in love with Owen since she even arrived at the hospital in season 6 (or 5 can't remember too clearly), but after loving someone for so long, chances are she isn't going to leave him now. She was hurt and scared because Owen could possibly have another child and he drops her like a hot potato for anyone so, with all her feelings she went to Tom and he of course slept with her because, he loves her a surprising amount. I wish that he could find the strength to tell her no, because he's going to wind up hurt and with the way everyone treats him. He's going to really be in an emotional hole after it all. As for him and Mr Billionaire. I always used to imagine scenarios like the one he proposed to Tom, but probably in a spy movie I didn't actually expect Tom to do it. He's going to end up using the money for his lawyer bills because he's not even going to have a chance if he's found out. His licenses will be gone and so will his life. He'll end up in jail along with the  billionaire. Who is clearly one of the dumbest geniuses I've ever seen. All of that because he's made a mistake and could be arrested. If his plan is found out he'll be as ruined as Tom. I don't like where that case is going. I like Tom but I don't think he should risk anything for that man who clearly thinks he's the s**t and I can definitely see Tom's emotional Grey's spiral coming. I wish him the best of luck.

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Teddy I think we should check her for a tumor or a mental illness as well because I don't know what happened to her. I would have never expected Teddy to be like this. She was one of the most respectable women on Grey's. I know that she was emotional but she has been pinning for Owen for Years and years and she didn't even think to talk to him? Come on Teddy and she's using Tom, Maggie's speech was spot on she's sleeping with Tom who is madly in love with her when she knows she loves Owen, like leave Tom out of it sleep with someone else. And her reaction when she told Owen that Amelia's baby could be his and she asks him where does that leave them. He apparently took 5 seconds to long and she walked away, come on Teddy..... you just told the man that he could possibly be the father of a 3rd baby and with another woman all under the under the age of 3 and you're upset he took 5 seconds before answering, now I'm no Owen fan but Jeeze give the guy some time to process before making assumptions and what she said about Amelia, thank God for Maggie because her reasoning for being angry at Amelia was crap, especially because she did the exact same thing with Owen so the real loser here is Owen and Tom. She needs to pull it together soon because I'm sure this isn't over even though Owen isn't the Father.

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Owen Karma's a bitch I guess I almost feel sorry for him, this is the best he's been in any relationship. He's in yet another love triangle with the same woman but this time he's not the one being chased. I also want to talk about his old school way of life. Why the he'll should Teddy have to plan the wedding herself, it's like Christina not wanting to have kids all over again. She's a surgeon and a mom, both of those things are full time job. You still plan your wedding with the wedding planner except they do all of the running around for you.if he wants a planned wedding so much he should do it himself and Teddy needs to learn to say no she's going to stress herself planning a wedding the same way she did making Halloween costumes.

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Richard Yet another painful one, not only is he quitting surgery he's also pushing the people who care about him further and further away. He was so angry I almost thought that he would have had to be committed. I am praying that Webber is not leaving as well even if he's not doing surgery he should teach or something Bailey was right the hospital needs him and the show sure as he'll does as well. He wants to sell his paths pen, do you Webber but ,make sure you come back. Maybe he'll make enough money that Catherine doesn't feel like she can buy him anymore. Where the he'll Is Catherine anyway? She's doing everything behind the scenes and as usual Bailey has to take the fall.

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Link/Amelia Yay, I think we can safely take Amelia out of the Owen, Teddy, Koracick thing because her and Link are back together and even better Link is the father. While I still don't agree with how the whole thing was handled I'm just glad that they're together again and the whole Amelia, Owen thing isn't going to start again. No more children deserve to be involved in that mess. Not to mention now we get to see more daddy Link. I know that they're going to definitely have more struggles along the road I mean after all this is Grey's but I at least hope that no more of those problems will include Owen Hunt.

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Jo Didn't know which last name to call her anymore. She's in a bad mood understandably but not in her need to get committed mood, which I'm glad for. The actress in real life is pregnant and I'm just wondering how that's going to be played off. It can't be written in that wouldn't make any sense but I was wondering if they're going to make Jo take some time off. She would definitely deserve it. I'm glad that she's not spiralling too much at least not yet. She's in a funk but like she said she'll pick herself up because she knows she deserves love.

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Deluca Is talking to a shrink but doesn't really think he needs it and coming from experience that's never a good thing. I hope he realizes it soon before it ruins him and based on some spoilers I read its not seeming too likely.

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Meredith Isn't in the mood to talk about her feelings, she was hit on by a billionaire and rightfully angry at the world because the woman who had to ration her insulin because she couldn't afford was heartbreaking. I live in a country where most health care and medication is free or at a reasonable price unless you choose otherwise so I couldn't imagine how hard it is to be unable to get the health care you need so that was hard to watch. Meredith was also right to be pissed off that some billionaire just decided that he doesn't want to accept responsibility and cleared a whole hospital floor to do it. (Even if Catherine was the one to do it). She misses Alex and had yet another conversation with Bailey (this is the most I've seen them talk this whole series.) And they basically express how everyone is leaving or dying and it's lonely without them and nothing else have ever been more accurate. The amount of life and family togetherness that was in the beginning of the series definitely isn't there anymore.

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Bailey Was just there being concerned about Webber, I felt for her when Webber started freaking out and throwing stuff you could seen her internal struggle between staying with him or doing her job. I hope they aren't going to make her lose her work husband and basically the only person at Grey Sloan who would stand up for her. And she needs to stand up to Catherine that woman has been throwing her under the bus for too long.

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Jackson Broke up with his girlfriend Vic.............. I have no idea if to feel bad or happy. I don't really watch Station 19 unless if it has Bailey or is necessary to watch in order to understand what's going on in Grey's as well as the first 6 episodes of season one that I watched so I have no idea what was going on with them. I kind of picked up that she got kicked out of her home and moved into Jackson's place without telling him. But what's don't get is the reactions he was upset that she moved in and I understood because who moves into someone's place without asking but now she moves out and he's upset and for stupid reasons. Dean her new roommate/boatmate once hit on Maggie when they were together and he didn't know. She's going to help Dean raise a baby. The man's a new single father to a newborn I don't think he has time to steal someone's gf. But thank God I no longer have to hear the stupid argument again because they broke up well he broke up with her. Props to her to waiting around all day so he could do it though. Jackson is one of the characters who started off as one of my favorites but has now made his way to the bottom of the list.

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Maggie The usual cheerleader, when are they going to finally give her a plot that isn't cheering someone on, being annoying or a plot that lasts 5 seconds. It's almost like she isn't even there. Give the girl a good plot for God's sake, she shouldn't just be a cheerleader. That being said, she was spitting facts today with Teddy though and she's probably going to spill Teddy's secret because shes bad at keeping secrets thats a potential hot mess in the making.

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End notes and questions

What the Hell is Tom doing??? It's dumb and I hope someone talks some sense into him soon.

What's going to happen to Richard? Is he leaving the show as well? I hope not he's one of the only good things left.

Is Deluca going to be ok? He's got to admit he needs help soon.

And last but not least, What will happen to the hot mess that is Owen and Teddy?