#no but fr this song shatters me because every time i listen to this song i think about that

[anhonest-puck]

if i don’t get to dance with my partner in the kitchen, on a late night, making spaghetti to this song:

then what even is the point 😞 /hj

(the spaghetti might be burnt, but that’s not the point)

[clatoera]

Hi bestie pls ignore this if this will like ruin upcoming chapter titles but if you had to assign each main ARWBFB character a song from Taylor’s new album what would you give them? Like which songs would resonate with them or remind you of them etc

Okay bestie this took me literal days, I just listened to the album for three hours on my drive upstate I think i've decided.

Unsurprising to anyone I felt like the album resonated with me more than I expected and ended up practically in a bender for three days so theres that. I was definitely not roaming the streets at 4 am or anything like that on friday morning absolutely nothing of the sort occured.

Surprising everyone even less ist that I largetly heard this and went ah yes. Glimmer. Glimmer again. Clove. Cashmere. Clove. Clove and Cato. etc so theres a RECURRING Theme here okay anyway these are obviously in arwbfb au sooo. This is the whole anthology because I can't listen to only one.

Glimmer

Down bad: Okay I know it sounds like a weird choice but this is giving Glimmer in about chapter 10(?) of ARWBFB but also like this is her general vibe as a victor i think like "For a moment I knew cosmic love" "Fuck it if I can't have him, I might just die it would make no difference." "waking up in blood" "Fuck it if I can't have us/I just not get up." "cause fuck it I was in love, so fuck you if you can't have us." idk it just FEELS right this song has been one I've really liked so!

I can do it with a broken heart: Are you kidding like??? this is not only one of my top 2 songs but also?? it's so perfect. Like it literally says "she's having the time of her life, there in her glittering prime." followed by "I can show you lies." and then we get hit with "Lights, camera, bitch smile even when you wanna die. He said he'd love me all his life but that life was too short breaking down i hit the floor all the pieces of me shattered" I literally am about to list like the entire song but come one "I was grinning like i'm winning I was hitting my marks I can do it with a broken heart." "I'm so depressed, I act like it's my birthday every day." "You know you're good when you can do it even with a broken heart" "Cause I'm miserable and nobody even knows!" Okay literally I beg I plead everyone listen to this song and report back if you think i'm right.

Cashmere and Glimmer both

The Prophecy: This feels like it could be either of them!!! "I got cursed like eve got bitten, oh was it punishment?" "Please I've been on my knees, change the prophecy. Don't want money, Just someone who wants my company. Let it once be me, who do I have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy." "i'm so afraid I sealed my fate, no sign of soulmates" Idk I think they'd both have similar yearning for a life unlike the one they have where they can get the hell out of this snow induced hell. Change the prophecy of their fate and their lives sort of things.

I hate it here: I gotta be honest I don't think I need to elaborate on this one. Just..listen to this. This is actually any and all victor girls. This is also Finnick. I honestly just suggest we listen to the song and sit with it for a moment as if the title alone is not explanation enough!!!

Cashmere:

Clara Bow:I mean.. "In this light, remarkable, all your life did you know you'd be picked like a rose?" "Take the glory, give everything" this song is all about being compared to the last great thing right, and I think it feels very cashmere to me but in the way that it bleeds into I think when she sings about herself at the end talking about the next big thing to come after her feels very big sister cashmere to me idk! "Beauty is a beast that roars, down on all fours demanding more. ONly when your girlish glow, flickers just so do they let you know?" "It's hell on earth to be heavenly" (Chapter title spoiler fr I heard it and literally pulled out my laptop) Idk it feels right especially because she would know what would come tot he pretty girls after her!!!!!!

But Daddy I love him: OKAY I know this is a werid one but if you think about it not as a MAN who's bad for her but a comp het high society with the expectations of her to be a perfect daughter/woman I think it would make ENTIRE sense for it to be Cashmere but in terms of like...being with women rather than the "wrong man" like in the song idk. I also feel like "I learned these people only raise you to cage you." "they slammed a door on my whole world, the one thing I wanted." "I'd rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning." "i'll tell you something about my good name, it's mine alone to disgrace, I don't care to cater to all these vipers dressed in empath's clothing." Idk It feels RIGHT just LISTEN to it.

Clove

Okay Okay I feel like I got some GOOD ones for her too okay so I want to start out STRONG with a song that screams not only Clove but Cato AND Clove it's my new Clato song...

Fresh out the Slammer: I know I know but come on. I could list EVERY line in this song it's soooo post Clove's games in ARWBFB. "Now pretty baby i'm running back home to you, fresh out the slammer I know who my first call will be to." "Years of labor, locks, and ceiling in the shade of how he was feeling, but it's gonna be alright I did my time." "Camera flashes welcome bashes" "My friends tried but I wouldnt hear it" (being enobaria) "watched me disappearing daily for just one glimpst of his smile, all those nights you kept me going. " "Now we're at the starting line I did my time, now pretty baby i'm running to the house where you still wait up and that porch light gleams, to the one who says i'm the girl of his American dreams... Ain't no way I'm gonna screw up now that I know whats at stake." "At the park where we used to sit on childrens swings wearing imaginary rings, but i's gonna be alright I did my time." SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP It's like Taylor Swift crawled inside my mind as I wrote the first like 5 chapters of ARWBFB and chose to write this because it's them it's them it's soooo them in ARWBFB absolutely noone touch me I felt this was for me personally!!!

AND ANOTHER Clato song is

I can fix him (No really I can): Do I even need to elaborate like "They shale their heads saying God help her when I tell them he's my man. But your good lord doesn't need to lift a finger. I can fix him, no really I can (AND ONLY I CAN???)" "His hand so calloused from his pistol softly traces hearts on my face." "A perfect case for my certain skillset" "Good boy, thats right. Come close i'll show you heaven if you'll be an angel all night." "TRUST ME I CAN HANDLE A DANGEROUS MAN, NO REALLY I CAN."

SHUT UP NO COMMENTS FROM THE PRESS AT THIS TIME y'all

Following THAT up with my FAVORITE SONG ON THE ANTHOLOGY

Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?: SHUT UP AGAIN guys come on this is THE song THE song for me THE song for Clove not only with her like growing up but also the shit Snow did to her>????? "if you wanted me dead you should've just said nothing makes me feel more live." But Also!! "WHOS AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ME?? YOU SHOULD BE!!!" Thats for CLove! Tiny 5'3 100lb clove!! "I was tame I was gentle till the circus life made me mean." This is for my little baby girl who was not wanted and was raised like this to make her a good little tribute the circus life being the training/panem/career life thank you. "they say they didn't do it to hurt me...I want to snarl and show you how disturbed this has made me. You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me" The asylum being the academy in this essay I will- "I'm fearsome and i'm wretched and i'm wrong." Special enobaria mention for "don't worry folks we took out all her teeth" tell me "you lured me and you hurt me and you taught me, you caged me and then you called me crazy. I am what I am 'cause you trained me." Are you fucking joking rn i'm sorry i'm once again just quoting the whole song I know.

So Long, London: Okay I know it's a weird take but to me it makes more sense imagining it in regards to her saying goodbye to the District she thought she knew and the idea of the capitol as she knew it you know?? "And i'm just getting color back into my face. I'm just mad as hell 'cause I loved this place." Does it make sense?????? to me it does!!!

The albatross: "She's the albatross. She's here to destroy you. Devils that you know raise hell worse than a stranger. She's the death that you chose. You're in terrible danger." Okay I think it makes sense without me elaborating but it's Clove it's Clove @ Snow who thought she was a perfect victor to compare to Katniss then he TORTURES her and she kills him and yeah she is the death snow chose next question.

Enobaria

Naturally all these songs are about my favorite girlies and yeah so they're all for my girls anyway these are gonna come off weird but i just need you to hear me out on it okay??

The Bolter: I feel like I am dropping Enobaria lore with these things but okay "Curious child, ever reviled." Idk it fits to me. "It feels like the time she fell through the ice then came out alive" Idk I know her arena isnt ice but like!! The idea of reliving the time you almost died and coming out alive again and again "But she's got the best stories, you can be sure that as she was leaving it felt like freedom. All of her fuckin' lives flashed before her eyes and she realized it feels like the time she fell through the ice then came out alive." Like to me it feels like her recognizing freedom after the games are over and in D2 and having her life be hers again and idk!! It made sense to me.

Cassandra: This ALSO is dropping lore but this song feels like the D2 split during the rebellion like each side thinking the opposite of her "in the street theres a ragin rio, when it's burn the bitch they're shrieking. When the truth comes out it's quiet so they killed cassandra first." "they knew they knew they knew the whole time that I was on to something" I feel like i need to drop more Enobaria during the war time lore for this to make sense but it does to me so just take my word for it!!

Okay!!! Thank you bestie!! Here's a small novel in resopnse to your otherwise simple question!! Love you!! @bodyelectric77

[i-ideate]

raaaaaaah in the heights appreciation yap because i said so as a latina who grew up in America I actually relate to the themes of identity that are mainly present in Ninas character. I cried listening to Carnaval del Barrio. It is by no means a sad song, but hearing the bit where they are all raising their flags and feeling the pride of being latin immigrants felt so...real. I sob every time I listen to the finale because yes! I too have searched for my home!! And then I found out it was where I was standing!!!

But I think the bit that absolutely shattered me was Nina's verse in 'When You're Home'. That feeling of learning spanish just to feel like you belong? Yeah. That's me. I took spanish GCSE because I want to prove to myself that I AM LATINA. Growing up in so many english environments I am MORTIFIED at the idea of losing my identity. When my parents call me 'gringa' for using spanglish or an accent slipping through (maybe because I'm like their translator and have to switch between english and spanish rapid fire sometimes???) its light-hearted until it's late at night and I think of my future. Will I lose my Venezuelan accent and dialect? Will I forget my culture? Will I forget where I started? I wonder all the time if I were to meet a me from another universe where I stayed in Venezuela, how different would we be? Would I like musicals? Would I like history and politics? Would I worry about losing my identity? Would we fight? And that relates to Ninas bit about wondering who she would've been if she had never left Puerto Rico and stayed with 'her people' (which btw saying 'my people' is the part that makes me cry when I belt it. Cos like...who are 'my people'? I live in the middle east be so fr there is like no latin community here.)

I think in the end, however, what makes In The Height so good is that these aren't plot points presented front and center. The story continues as a little story of this guy, Usnavi, and the stuff that hapens to him. The struggles of being latino just happen because thats his life!!!! It isn't too shoved in your face, but it's prominent enough that its realistic!! Every character experiences their identity differently in this musical, and thats what I love about it. Theres a character for everyone, and to an extent you don't really need to be a Latino-immigrant to understand the core of the story and its themes about identity and community and hardship.

idk i just feel like it's an absolutely stunning musical and I would actually like cry so hard i'd vomit if I ever see it live on B-way!

if you were to ask me about In the Heights..

i'd tell you its a great musical with a cute storyline

but if you asked me on a deeper level..

i'd tell you that its one of the most beautiful musicals ive watched. it makes me feel so warm inside and theres never a week that i dont listen to the soundtrack. no i wasnt able to see the og but seeing clips is just fine. it never fails to make me cry by the end and its just such a good movie bro 😭😭🤍. (og soundtrack is better fight me)

"i found my island, i been on it this whole time, im home!"

(also sunrise is underrated)

[scoups4lyfe]

Bipolar Essay PART 5

Ian's short movie (part one) open with a voice over and then the first song that plays, aka the introductory song, is SERAPH.

For me, "It's his last conversation with his God as he sets his wings on fire. In those moments when my world starts splitting, it's a question from me as to why it always has to be like this."

This line really **HIT**.

I have literally (in my online journal entries) written, "[God] Why have you forsaken me?" During one of my more debilitating episodes.

Because, ey yo? WHY does it always have to be like this?

Literally feels like we're a shattered teacup tossed to the floor, and now we can't be put back together ever again and we just have to constantly live with that knowledge that our own glass shards are what's killing us.

And yet...."So hold me this one last time" is the last words Ian chooses to end the conversation he has with his God on, and that KILLS me even MORE.

Because, same.

(Lmao. If y'all aren't religious in any sense of the word, you might just be reading this like 'PSHsht' but bare with me.)

God to me is all that is beautiful in the world. He is

hope.

And so what do you think it feels like to be abandoned by hope itself?

:/

Icarus is a very apt metaphor for someone with BD.

Not a lot of people discuss the Hypersexuality aspect of Bipolar disorder.

To the point that even I -- someone WITH bipolar disorder -- had misconceptions about it.

One thing that I never knew was that the excessive sexual behavior, thoughts (and what not) were compulsive and unwanted. "Seemingly uncontrollable."

I learned this about hypersexuality in a podcast, actually -- where the host (who has BD), and a psychiatrist, discuss bipolar things -- hypersexuality being one of the things they discussed.

The host even stated that he once called / texted his family that he was sick instead of going to a get together because he was so horny that he spent that entire day m@$terbAiTing. Like 20 times in the span of a few hours.

(Which isn't healthy, and def. something the psychiatrist said she would hear and go, "yeah. That's not normal.")

The host stated that sometimes he wasn't even turned on at all. But he still felt the compulsion to follow through on the act. (Y'kno, because its a compulsion.)

I don't think these aspects of hypersexuality get discussed enough. I was fr sitting there listening to that podcast like:

Not that anyone needed or wanted to know this, but I am basically aroace (more ace, less aro, LOL) through and through.

Unfortunately for me, I would suddenly have bouts of hypersexuality during hypomanic and manic episodes which caused me a lot of confusion and self-loathing.

Going from absolutely no sexual thoughts, interests, or desires, to suddenly a plethora of all of those things combined with a compulsion to complete such an act ---made me think of myself as someone disgusting and morally wrong on every account.

It was painful too because it's not like I **wanted** to do any compulsive behavior, or to think, or act on any of that nonsense, because I wasn't INTERESTED in those things. I never was! !!!!

Literally the only way to distract myself from that nonsense was hyperfixating on a tv show, book, music, youtube --anything to distract me.

Now -- you see why, "Hypersexuality" is so much more than, "wants to have a lot of sex" or "being overly promiscuous" 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫 🦆

I feel like the statement "Entering an episode isn't easy" is rather redundant, LOL.

But well and truly.

It isn't easy.

What gets me the most is the uncertainty.

I don't know when a new mood cycle is going to hit. For me -- I'm a rapid cycler. Mood switching happens more frequently than I'd like.

My mood journaling makes this fear and uncertainty obvious. I never know if I'll go to sleep and wake up normal, or more "able", or if I'll wake up zapped from all of my humanity.

When I'm hypomanic I can feel on top of the world -- like I've finally fixed my life and from now on I'll do everything right. I'll work out and eat right, and sleep when I'm supposed to, and read regularly, and engage socially --- blah blah blah blah bLAH.

(You get the point.)

Because that energy never stays. I'll "dip" and soon all I'll be able to think about is the agonizing question of how anyone can stay awake longer than 2 hours without needing a nap.

Literally me after 2 hours of being awake:

When I'm in a depressive episode, I go from being someone like "SENKUU" from Dr.Stone, to straight up being Sleepy Ash/Kuro from Servamp. (My friends have also compared me to Shikamaru.) ....Not that this is anything important 🤪.

For this one, let me expand on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

OCD can be defined as:

"a disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas or sensations (obsessions). To get rid of the thoughts, they feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions). The repetitive behaviors, such as hand washing/cleaning, checking on things, and mental acts like (counting) or other activities, can significantly interfere with a person’s daily activities and social interactions."

Source: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/what-is-obsessive-compulsive-disorder

I bring this up because intrusive thoughts come hand-in-hand with OCD. For Bipolar you can have auditory hallucinations -- like hearing voices, and / or you can have intrusive thought trains that are debilitating.

For me I have mental compulsions.

Often my intrusive thoughts will either be (1) Unwanted sexual thoughts that are disturbing or (2) Blasphemy aka a spiral of intrusive thoughts cursing out God as if its in my own voice

--> These force me to spend hours of my time constantly saying "Shut up" and "Stop" in my head. Doing my best to disrupt or distract myself away from the thoughts. As you can imagine -- that kind of makes it hard to focus on things in everyday life.

I stated this before but sometimes I have to imagine myself fighting my own intrusive thoughts. Though like 0.2 seconds later they start back up and the cycle continues.

This one shouldn't be all that surprising.

Depression can / is one of the constant fears of someone with BP. As it always looms ominously on the horizon like some sh*tty tax collector.

Like tbh -- I'm on antidepressants and mood stabilizers and blah blah blah--- I don't care if the antidepressants are making me hypomanic. I prefer that insanity compared to the depression.

Do you know how much it fvcking SUCKS to have absolutely ZERO energy? To constantly have to nap, but it never makes a difference because like 15 minutes later you'll be just as tired as you were before, if not more?

FR I'm legitimately afraid of who I'll become or what will happen if I get off my antidepressants. Like....when I say "I don't think I could live" (like that) I mean it. And that terrifies me.

Closing up on this part of the PPT, here's (of course) the link to the short movie that these slides reference:

[Prev] [Next]

PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]

PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)

Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)

Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

[loyolahcmass]

Homily on 2009 by Mac Miller

Welcome back, everyone! Tonight, Sunday September 1st, will be the first Hopkins Court Mass of the semester! Fr. Rossi will be talking about Mac Miller’s song 2009! Here is the preview of his homily:

Mac Miller Homily "A life ain't a life 'til you live it."                                                    Mac Miller, “2009” Malcolm James McCormick—Mac Miller— passed away a year ago this month from an accidental drug overdose after years of struggle. The love and sympathy from the hip-hop community when the news broke: it was awesome. A testimony to his warmth and caring. J. Cole, Drake, Chance the Rapper, and many more -- all showed love to the artist and his family. __________ Miller burst onto the rap scene as a teenager more than 11 years ago, as he said, “spitting ‘fratty raps.’” His breakout came with a run of mixtapes, including "K.I.D.S." and "Best Day Ever." Experimenting with his sound, he developed a diehard fan base, about whom he cared deeply. He never chased top 40 hits. __________   Miller was open about his addiction and drug use throughout his career. In October 2017, he was slated to head out on what he called the “Swimming Tour”. It would have highlighted his favorite song “2009," in which he spoke about these problems. It’s also a tribute to Ariana Grande, the love of his troubled life. __________ I’ve studied the lyrics a lot, because that song is Mac’s gospel. I want to understand his thoughts and feelings—on these and other topics. __________ You know, it’s curious.  Well, not really. “Genius Lyrics” doesn’t even try to decipher their meaning. In fact, it’s hard to find anybody on the Web who’s willing to discuss them. What’s that all about? __________ I think I might just know. A lot of people in the record business are afraid. They’re scared of the spiritual. Just ask Chance! And “2009” is a very spiritual track. __________ It’s a soft piano tune. Mac’s in a very reflective mood. He’s calm, he’s peaceful, as he examines his life and career starting with the year 2009. That was the last year of his life before fame came. __________ He sings about what he's learned through his trials and troubles. He admits—often he brought them on himself. __________ The lyrics talk about his relationship—and break-up—with Ariana Grande. He uses the roller-coaster of his life to inspire us to do better in ours. He raps about healing, belief, looking out for others, and spiritual growth. It’s his legacy. __________ Some of the words probably have meaning only to the person Malcolm James McCormick. He’s not here anymore to tell us what they mean. But, just listen to the words, and you tell me if you can’t de-code what the song’s all about. __________ First, there’s the negative, the self-destructive. What hit him first. Most of it seems to be in the past: “The light was dim in this life of sin.” “I was diggin’ me a hole big enough to bury my soul.” __________ Then, there are the positive, hopeful notes. These lines look toward the future with confidence: “I don’t need to lie no more. Nowadays all I do is shine, take a breath and ease my mind.” “They ask me what I’m smiling for. It’s like I’ve never felt alive before.” __________ Finally, there’s the clincher: the reason for the hope: “I’m a pro when it come to my job, But really, I’m just tryna start believin’ in God.” Wow!  In “2009,” Mac’s found the source of all his considerable talents and gifts—and ours. And, how to put them to good use. He’s found the key to a lot in this life of ours. __________ The Book of Sirach—a book of wisdom— tells us we all have abilities, but we need to realize something. Don’t be self-centered Our talents were given to us for the good of others, as well as ourselves. “Conduct your affairs with humility And you will be loved more than a giver of gifts.” __________ Mac said it his own way: “It ain’t a life ‘til you give it”. In today’s Gospel, we see Jesus using his gifts in just this way. He heals ordinary people whose lives have been shattered. People, real people, who are overlooked by influential leaders, such as the Pharisee.  __________ He’s only got the movers and the shakers at his party. He invited Jesus only because everybody’s talking about him: Jesus is the new celebrity in town. He’s the night’s entertainment. __________ But Jesus gives time—his time—to the forgotten. He heals them by his compassion—and, I love this— the dignity he offers them. __________ He speaks real truth to phony power But he doesn’t make a big show of it. That’s not what he’s about. __________ I think Mac Miller would have related. Jesus and Mac: bright lights in this world Mac lived in the dark for a long time, but he was moving toward the light with Christ's help and Ariana's prayers. “I don’t panic. I don’t sound the alarm. Now she don’t cry no more.” She, Ariana, honors him for that every time she sings "Thank U, Next," with tears __________ Life didn’t end well for Mac, but I’ll be the last to judge. The Bible says, “a loving God forgives generously those who love generously.” __________ “Dare, and dare again, to live that truth”—here at Loyola and beyond! And, to quote Mac, if you do, “ALL you’ll do is shine.”

[faithloveandstardust]

My Favorite Playlist for Working Out

My workouts alternate between yoga days and recumbent bicycle days with Sundays off.

Yoga:

These workouts are 30 minutes long. I try to make the workouts as low impact on my joints as possible so I don't do very many poses where pressure is put on my palms for too long. These days are spent either inside on our carpet or outside on a blanket. Outside is reserved for cool days because dysautonomia and heat don't mix very well!

Recumbent Bike/Arm Curls:

These workouts are 15 minutes long. I have a portable bicycle exerciser that I can use inside or outside. Depending on how I feel that day, I will either just do the recumbent bike or I will do that and arm curls at the same time. These days are spent either while watching TV or while working on the computer. Again, outside is reserved for cool days!

The Playlists:

30-Minute Yoga Playlist These songs are upbeat to keep you motivated. They just make you want to move!

Shake It Off by Taylor Swift I like to do my yoga in the mornings so this song wakes me up in a good mood.

Shatter Me by Lindsey Stirling feat. Lzzy Hale I love both Lzzy and Lindsey so this song is a must.

Thnks fr th Mmrs by Fall Out Boy This one is a little faster to speed up your yoga a bit.

Replay by Zendaya This song is wonderful to dance to and is very fluid.

Sorry Not Sorry by Demi Lovato Sassy songs are a must.

Boom Clap by Clarli XCX This song has a good beat. I like to time my moves to every 20 beats. This song I reserve for my harder moves so I'm not in them as long!

Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by SKRILLEX Gosh, I love this song. My brother and I went through a dubstep phase a few years ago, so this and Cinema are still on most of my playlists.

Dangerous Woman by Ariana Grande This is a nice cooldown song because it is a little slower, but not too slow. And it makes me feel badass.

You can listen to this playlist on YouTube here.

15-Minute Weight/Recumbent Bike Playlist The first song builds you up into the two middle songs then the last song slows you back down.

The Chain by Fleetwood Mac I just heard this song on Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and I fell in love with it all over again. It has a wonderful beat, so it is my go-to starting song for rhythmic arm curls.

Proud Mary by Ike and Tina Turner I love the original song, but this one is just enough faster that it makes for a good bicycling/arm curling song.

Just Like Fire by Pink I love this song because it has ups and downs that allow you to go hard and then rest a little.

Don't Let Me Down by The Chainsmokers feat. Daya This song is rhythmic and is a good cooldown. Plus it's a beautiful song.

You can listen to this playlist on YouTube here.

I hope you guys enjoyed getting a peek into my workouts. Maybe you can draw inspiration from mine to build your own routine.

See how I don't do much throughout the day? This is purposeful. This is what I can complete within a normal day so that I don't make myself worse, but I'm also getting exercise.

I know it can be hard to find a workout routine that works for you when you struggle with health problems, but just experiment to see what works. I had to experiment for two years before I figured out something that wouldn't kill me after doing it for a week. Just keep trying because exercise really is important (I know you hear that all the time if you struggle with your health. I'm sorry!)

What are your favorite workout songs? Are there any that you don't agree with?

[wellmeaningshutin]

Short Story #50: Cruise.

Written: 2/23/2017

Entry #34:

I’m getting fucking tired of this job. Day in day out, I have to sing the same old songs that I could give less of a shit about, just so these couples can dance and feel special while they’re out on the ocean. If they knew how much I was tired of my job, I bet my melodies wouldn’t seem very romantic to them. Also, I wonder how many of these wives are aware that their husbands will sometimes lurk in the bar, waiting for me to get my usual post-performance drink, spouting pick up line after pick up line, none of them charming, none of them clever. At least they will cover the cost of my drinks, which I get for free, but they don’t know that. The on duty bartender just splits the money with me when the night is over, and sometimes I can get several guys to pay for the same drink. So its not all bad I guess. At least I get payed well to be hit on, and all I have to do is sit there.

And I get payed well to sing on this tacky cruise, too. I get free drinks, an alright room, the food is nothing to complain about, and I can relax in the sun whenever I’m not working. So I guess none of it is bad, but why am I so unhappy with all of this? Why is everything inside of me telling me to get off at the next stop, which is some poor, South American town that only makes money from tourists who mainly stop by on these cruises. Why do I hate all of this when this should be the easy life, this should be a great deal.

And I love singing too, so why is it so bad when I have to do it for money? Was my aunt right? She always warned that I should never turn a hobby into a career, because then it will just be work. Maybe I should have listened, but then again this job is hardly even work. How come the things that should make me happy, that sound good on paper, always leave me feeling like this? Am I just incapable of feeling positive emotions?

Maybe I just need to start over, maybe I should just leave this job behind.

Entry #35:

I saw a seagull die, mid air, and it landed in the middle of the pool.

Manuel, who is starting to become my favorite bartender, gave me good advice today. He told me that I should order tonic, and pretend that its an alcoholic drink, so that I can drink more and get more tips, without having to stop from getting too tipsy. It seems like I may run into a problem, since I kind of have to drink after every show, but I guess I can get different drinks. Its not a problem unless I make it one.

What’s with all of these people talking about the war going on? Is there a war happening? I guess there will always be a war, but its just weird to feel out of the loop with these sorts of world events. Its like I travel all over with this job, but for some reason I know nothing about the world. Soldiers go on a tour of duty, I go on a tour of ignorance.

Entry #38:

I was supposed to abandon the ship and start up a new life on today’s stop, but I hesitated at the last moment. Well, I guess it isn’t hesitation if it lasted for several hours. Maybe it was cowardice. I hope I wasn’t making a mistake, but if my mood persists then I can get off at the next town, or the one after that. There’s really limitless options for escape, but that may lead me to never pick any of them. Sometimes it seems like I can only go through with things when I’m cornered, when I have to make a decision.

I was talking to an older woman, who always is out in the sun, wearing a one piece that is much too small for her, so her excess fat spills out around the edges, but she always has her hair up in a scarf, and wears these stunning sunglasses. Its like she was some great beauty from the 1950’s that decided to say “Fuck it” and picked up a life of leisure, staying true to herself the whole time. When I get older, when I get to her age, I want to have that sort of confidence, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pull it off. I’m not sure if I have enough natural beauty to dampen the effects of that life style.

Anyways, I was talking to her, and she asked a question that was very odd. She wanted to know why nobody ever saw the captain of the ship. It was a strange question, because I realized that I’ve never seen them either. I don’t even know their name. I’ve been working here for over a month and I don’t even know who’s running the show.

I asked Manuel about it, but then he told me to call him Harrison. Apparently he pretends his name is Manuel just to seem more exotic than he actually is, and it tends to bring him in more tips. Apparently he was born into a wealthy family, who was basically an all American bunch. For some reason, when people saw him they never thought of him as an American, which is weird because what is an American supposed to look like. Apparently Harrison was a pretty great tennis player, who competed against a lot of prestigious, private school kids, but he shattered his wrist in a car accident and he lost his ability to play.

I got so side tracked talking about all of that and completely forgot to gen an answer about the captain.

Entry #40:

There are dark clouds in the sky, all the guests are worried about a storm, but the crew keeps telling us its nothing. Then they bring up that our captain is incredibly skilled, and any storm will be meaningless under his command. So which is it? Is it not going to storm, or are we going to be able to effortlessly get through it?

This was the first time, since my first week, that I actually had fun during my routine. There was something magical about being able to make everyone’s worries melt away, to create an environment that protected them from the threats of the outside world, the ominous clouds looming overhead that usually serve as a lazy metaphor for incoming danger. It was like, for a moment, I understood what it was like to be an entertainer during the Cuban Missile Crisis, and it was like I saved

Oh god, I’m really drunk right now. Forget most of what I just said.

Entry #41:

Well, they were right about the storm, or half-right I guess since they had two contradicting statements about it. We passed through it without it coming down on us, it kind of made everyone feel stupid about being so afraid of it beforehand. It also made everyone celebrate even more, and tonight I had a great time during my job. We jazzed it up. Does that sound dumb? “Jazzed it up”. That sounds like something my mother would say to my friends to try to seem like she knew what the “kids” were into. I guess now even I don’t know what the kids are into, so maybe I am becoming more like my mother, but that just might be a universal truth for when people get older in general. People of certain ages act certain ways and don’t act how other ages can act the way they act, and blah blah blah. Maybe there aren’t any universal truths.

There’s this lovely little Jewish couple, and when I say little I mean old and shrunken, who always slow dances whenever I sing, no matter the song. They spend the whole routine doing their slow box step, and then they wonder off to god knows where. Tonight, when I decided to not drink after the act, since the bar was crowded and I had enough fun to not have to drink away any worries, I found out what the couple got up to. Apparently they always give it to each other in one of the stairwells. I know that it happens a lot, because when I told one of my co-workers, they responded with, “Again? Every night we get a report about them. We’d reprimand them, but honestly its mostly just impressive.” When I caught them in the act they didn’t bother to stop, but they just looked over at me.

Maybe I should get off at the next port, maybe I should end on a high note instead of risking more boredom.

Entry #43:

Well, I had my luggage packed any everything, but I guess I can’t go through with it for quite some time. Its a shame, because this time I was actually ready. This time I don’t think I would’ve skulked around on the ship until the boat left and I would just put it off until we arrived at the next spot.

Apparently there’s something wrong with some part of the boat, maybe the engine, I’m not fully sure. All I know is that we’re not moving, but we’ll probably get going any day now, and if we were really stuck we could probably get help from somewhere. I expect that they have something in place to help with these kinds of situations.

If we were rescued and everyone was taken back to the states, I think I would hate that more than being stuck on the ship. I took up this job to leave my old life behind. Hm. Maybe when I leave this cruise, maybe it will become my old life, and the states will become my new life?

Entry #45:

I’ve been skipping days, in this diary, because there’s really nothing new happening. We’re still stuck, everyone’s still nervous as hell, and my songs aren’t really doing much to ease the worry. I feel like I’m letting everyone down by being unable to calm them, like I did when they worried about the storm, but what can I do?

Today is significant because the captain finally made his appearance. I don’t think anyone expected him too look the way he did, which is handsome. Extremely handsome. He seems less like some cruise ship captain, and more like if Denzel Washington and Idris Elba had a child together. Now it seems like you can’t stop seeing him, so maybe he will be able to calm everyone in the manner that I cannot.

I’m still not fully sure about what’s wrong with the ship, but any day now and we should be heading to our next destination. If the problem was tremendous, wouldn’t the captain be dealing with it, instead of socializing with everyone?

Entry #48:

There’s something about that man, I just don’t know what it is but it feels like a red flag.  He’s too nice, you know? Like there’s no way that anyone can be like that. Its inhuman. Yet, I seem to be the only person that doesn’t trust him, the only one who isn’t won over by his good looks and his aura of charm.

I tried to express my opinions to Harrison, who has become my closest friend on the ship, and he got a little angry with me. He got very defensive when I expressed my distrust of the captain. I was almost a little afraid because of how angry he got, but maybe he’s just anxious about the ship not moving.

Although, it seems like people are getting less and less worried about being stuck in the middle of the ocean. The captain is starting to dominate every conversation.

When we get moving again, I’m definitely getting off at the next town. I’m sick of the fucking ocean.

Entry #51:

It seems like the captain is trying hard to win me over, and people are starting to openly criticize me for not being fully acceptive of him. It also seems like when people talk, now, they either only talk about him, quote him, and sometimes mention normal things like relaxing, dancing, dining, cruise stuff. Yet, I don’t see people enjoying themselves as much, there is usually one or two people who are actually at the pool, the game room, the shuffle board area, etc. And it seems like the only people I can find participating in these activities are the others who are also looked down on, like me, but we are few in number.

Maybe I should get all of the outcasts together and we could kill time together so it wont be as lonely. How long has it been? A week? Two weeks? Its felt like forever since I’ve been here, and with Manuel ignoring me, and refusing to let me call him by his real name, I’m dying for some social time.

A weird thing is, it doesn’t feel like the ship is drifting in the ocean, it feels like we just aren’t moving at all. Maybe I don’t know enough about boats.

Entry #54:

I don’t have a job anymore, nobody wants to hear me sing. Now that time slot has been taken up the captain, who keeps giving his creepy, motivational speeches that everyone seems to just eat up. I’ve only heard one so far, but I don’t like where this is heading. After he gave his speech, and I was hanging out with the other outcasts by the pool, he offered to give me a nicer room, to make up for my unemployment. I politely refused. I feel like if I accepted that from him, I’d eventually become obsessed with him, just like everyone else.

He offered the same deal to Norma, and she jumped at the opportunity, then walked away with him. We were all kind of surprised, but she might have been an accidental outcast. The pressures of not fitting in were probably too much for her.

Thomas, one of the other outcasts, a guy who used to work in the navigation room, told us that food supplies are supposedly getting worryingly low. That makes sense. How long has it been? A month now?

Entry #56:

I just figured out why everyone is saying all of this weird shit, apparently its stuff that the captain spouts out during his speeches. Thomas insisted that we go check one out, and he ended up joining the captain on the stage, crying about all of the awful things that happened in his childhood, repenting, and then he was engulfed by the crowd. The captain claimed that he was reborn, that he was now one of the chosen. It was like being in a fever dream.

Earlier today I asked somebody how long we’d been stuck out here, since I’m terrible at keeping track of the dates, and he told me, “We’ve always been out at sea.”

I saw Norma and she started spouting the same nonsense, and I’m starting to get worried. Everyone is treating me like I’m crazy, and I would agree with them if I didn’t have this diary. If I didn’t have proof of what it was like before we stopped.

I spend most of my time hoping for a ship to come and rescue us.

Entry #58:

There’s only me and one other outcast left, the rest have either joined the reborn, the children of the sea, or have disappeared. On the floor above me, last night, I heard Wendell get scream, and scream, and scream. There was some dragging. Now he’s gone. I have to do something, but I don’t know what. All I know is I can’t stay here.

People have started to say, “There is no outside world, this is the world.”

I’ve been stared at more.

Somebody drew a small X on the door of my room, and it was so small that I almost didn’t notice it.

Help isn’t coming.

That was the last entry, and Manuel was frustrated. Where’d she go? There was no hint of it in any of the entries, and he didn’t want to displease the captain. If he failed his duty, then he could have to take up her role in penance. It wouldn’t be very bad, and it was honorable because then you gave life to the rest of the children. What upset him about the process was that it meant that he would never see their father again, but maybe he could at least become a part of the father.

Thinking about it, he realized it would be pretty nice. And he did volunteer, and fail, didn’t he? So why be afraid, what was there to be afraid of. Blank faced, he marched himself over to the captains quarters, knocked three times, then dropped to his knees, waiting for the door to open. He could hear the captain open the door, and stare down at him, but he waited for the father to allow him to speak.

A minute passed before the father asked, “How did your task go? Have you done what your father has asked of you?”

“I was unable to find her father, it seems like she has escaped. I have her diary, but it didn’t give me anything to go on.”

“It is no problem, she cannot hide forever. There is no escape from the truth.”

“No, father. And if I may, I would like to ask something.”

“Ask away, my child.”

“I would like to take up her duties, since I have failed my own. I would like to give my body, during our congregation, so that I can appease my failure by giving life to the rest of our family. By giving yet another day so they must not go hungry.”