#no achievement today cause we're delayed

[madrabit]

Not North forgetting her lil bro's name 😔😔🥺 but his boyfriend is hot, so can't blame her

Jan’s hands on his knees slowly slide up his thighs, effortlessly slipping under the material of the loose fitting shorts Nace is wearing, and he breathes shakily as blunt nails drag over the sensitive skin of his inner thighs.

“Janči looks so hot, doesn’t he?” Bojan breathes against the shell of his ear as he scratches his nails over the back of Nace’s neck. Nace glances at him over his shoulder and sees Bojan’s eyes trained on Jan, his plush bottom lip trapped between his teeth. Turning his head to look down at the guitarist again he nods, swallowing when he sees Jan’s intense gaze trained on his thighs, his boyfriend’s hands pushing the fabric of Nace’s shorts up slowly and continuing to squeeze and caress his skin.

Sorry for the delay guys, life keeps happening to us (@madrabit) and getting in the way of writing, which we think is quite unfair actually…

Anyway, we’re hoping to possibly deliver today’s chapter later today, buuuut we’ll have to see 🫣

Here’s a link to our overview of the month aaaand if anybody feels like writing some smut to celebrate the season, feel free to draw inspiration from it 🍆🎃🍑👻

[oursecretescape]

Forgotten

words: 7.5k

genre: angst

If my fate is to disappear like this, then this is my last letter - Let go xx TW: Mentions of anxiety, panick attack. Trad: anjinho = little angel. a/n: Hello, my babies. This story is the translation of ''Forgotten'' that I recently posted. I tried to make it as angsty as possible, hope I have achieved my goal. My apologies before hand for any grammar erros. English is not my first language. I suggest you all read it along with the saddest song you like. Well... with all that being said, I wish you a happy reading (or sad? lmao. dunno). Tell me later what y'all thought. ♥

"Hey! We'll be there soon. Sorry for the delay. Today's rehearsal took longer than expected. We're leaving now."

Received at 5 in the afternoon.

I take a quick glance at the clock, and it shows eight in the evening. A heavy sigh escapes my lips as I feel my heart drumming slowly in my chest, each beat amplifying my growing sense of unease.

I get up from the couch and reach for the umbrella swaying gently in the wind coming from the window. I shut my eyes and take a deep breath, attempting to manage the sudden surge of fear and despair growing in my chest. My heart is racing, and my mind is in overdrive. A sense of mortality and suffocation, all rolled up into a single emotion: anxiety.

I sit down, sliding along the corridor wall. I try to control my breathing while attempting to steady the pounding of my heart. I think that dying in the hallway of a building would be so pointless and dull that it makes me laugh. A laugh, strained and devoid of emotion, but functional.

Heart rate normalizing. Labored, but controlled breathing. Mind stabilized.

I feel my face wet with tears. I wipe them away with trembling hands. When did I start crying? I rise from the floor, swaying a little. I take another deep breath and press the elevator button.

Dad always said that thinking of ridiculous things in difficult moments would help distract me. He was right, as he always was.

The cold, damp breeze of Seoul's streets warmed my soul. Its black skies, like darkness, covered with thick clouds, carried heavy raindrops that, upon impact, met my umbrella, creating beautiful melodies. It was comforting to hear the drops hitting the hard concrete; they reminded me that I wasn't crying alone.

It was thundering when I arrived at the destination. Bright streaks in the sky made the monument even gloomier. I found it ironic how everything matched my feelings. As I entered through the doors, I could already hear muffled cries. Sadness and suffering permeated the air, leaving me melancholic.

After a few more steps, I could see the person I love the most in the world greeting me with a beautiful smile. His eyes were shining like true rays of sunshine. I sit in front of him, sliding my fingers where his name rests. Lee Joon-Ho.

"Dad, I miss you so much," I say aloud, my voice cracking with emotion. "It's been incredibly lonely without you here. You have no idea how much I long for your company," I said, feeling the salty taste of tears. "I'm sorry I couldn't bring my friends to meet you like I promised. They're all caught up with their own lives, you know how it is. But don't worry, I'll bring them next time when they're less busy," I chuckle, with no emotion.

I hear footsteps behind me. I stand up excitedly, my heart pounding, but this time as a sign of comfort. They didn't forget. I feel my face stretch into a small smile, which is quickly dissolved.

"Hello, young lady. Good evening," the guard gives me a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I need to ask you not to linger too long on your visit today. The rain caused some minor leaks, and we'll have to close a little earlier."

"Oh okay, I understand," I responded in a whisper.

"I'm sorry. You have 10 minutes. I'll leave you alone," he said, bowing and leaving promptly.

I turn again, sitting on the floor.

"Dad, today I have to leave a little earlier. But don't worry, I'll be back soon," I feel the tears fall like the drops falling from the sky. "I love you so much," I say between sobs. "I miss you."

I stand up in desperation, running out the door, feeling the drops fall freely on my body, without the protection of the umbrella. It was as if I was washing away all the bad feelings flowing from my being.

Arriving home, I take a hot shower and change into comfortable clothes. The room were in dense darkness. It was just the rain and me. And my cat, who was rubbing against my leg, lay on my lap."

I feel my chest inflate with comfort at the presence of the little being and smile at the gesture.

With the phone in hand, I try to distract my restless mind. I see the Twitter icon and feel my heart pounding as if I shouldn't do this, but I do it anyway. The blue screen shining amidst the darkness of the room soon turns into white, leaving my vision blurred. I switch to dark mode and continue scrolling through my feed.

Within a few seconds, I see something that breaks my heart even more. Among the bursts of excitement from Armys, there are videos of the boys, my boys, having fun in a restaurant with her. They forgot about the visitation day because of her. Again, the reason why I was put aside is her.

Knocks on the door make me forget the feelings of jealousy and anger that burned in my body like fire. I hesitated to remove the furry creature from my lap, as it seemed so comfortable. With a little effort, I get up and walk to the door. Upon opening it, I see Adora's face in a comforting smile. Seeing a friendly face, I feel my tears fall freely on my face once again. She immediately drops the bags she was carrying and envelops me in a loving hug.

I can't say for how long we hugged. What I can say is that it was exactly what I needed at that moment. I feel my chest getting lighter as if all the bad feelings had been carried away by the embrace, and I feel grateful to Adora for that.

Slowly I pull away, and I can see her smile return twice as big.

"Better?" she asks, making me nod.

I step aside, and she enters, placing the food bags on the coffee table. I close the door and follow her.

"What did you bring?" I ask curiously, making her laugh.

"I knew food would cheer you up," she laughs. "I brought a lot of junk food. Sweet and savory cookies, ice cream, sweet and sour pork, hamburgers, and sodas."

"Soda?" I wonder. "Since when do you like fizzy drinks? You always said they gave you gas," I hold back a laugh.

"The soda is for you. For me," she reaches into the bag, pulling out two green bottles of soju. "I brought alcohol," she says sticking her tongue out as she shakes the bottles.

I smile at her little dance, but seeing her gummy smile reminds me of him. I feel the sadness wanting to return when I remember the videos, but I cast aside any bad feelings as I grab the ice cream container.

"I didn't want to bring it up, but I'm really sorry I wasn't there. You know how it is at BigHit. I couldn't leave the production until the work was finished," she explains, and I smile.

"It's okay. I understand," I whisper. "The important thing is that you're here now."

"About the boys..." she starts to say, but I quickly cut her off.

"No, it's fine. I don't want to talk about it."

"But you need to, Cassie. You know that. Keeping it all inside will only make it worse. You know you can trust me. Vent it out. I'm here," she holds my hand.

I close my eyes, nodding. I search within myself for the strength to let out everything I'm feeling. Everything that's hurting me. I bite my lower lip and open my eyes. It's going to be okay.

"It's been some time since my friendship with the boys started cooling off," I begin, feeling her squeeze my hand in comfort. "You know I met Tae before he became famous, and he's the one who introduced me to the rest of the boys. Since then, we've had a very strong friendship. We weren't always together, especially with the tours and my work, but we were close, like a real family. No matter how long we went without seeing each other, nothing changed, until recently," I sigh. "Park Ji-Hye showed up about 2 months ago, a few weeks before my dad passed away. She auditioned for the dancer position and passed the test," Adora nods.

"Yeah, I saw her audition," she says.

"So, since that day, I saw her getting closer and closer to the boys. They were always talking about how cool and funny she is, and, you know, I was happy for them. A new friendship is always good, especially for them, who are famous and always have to be careful with opportunists. But it never crossed my mind that she would take the place I had in their lives," I smile sadly. "They started visiting me much less. Calling me much less. Inviting me to the dorm or out much less. Until the day I literally became nothing to them," I look at Adora, whose face is red with anger.

"These..." I interrupted her.

"You don't want to lose your job, right?" I ask, laughing. "And you can't blame them either. She became their official dancer, which means wherever they go, she's with them," I shrug. "She's with them all the time, and that surely made them closer to her. Even more than me," I feel my eyes welling up. "I don't want to lose them, but I feel like I already did."

"Hey," she shakes me. "Calm down, breathe. I know they messed up. And they messed up badly, but it doesn't mean they've forgotten about you," Adora says, trying to comfort me.

"They forgot me the day my dad died, Adora. I'll never forget that. I feel like on that day, I died twice. I remember calling them in desperation, crying, not knowing what to do, feeling like my world was falling apart," I pause as I feel all the emotions returning. "And they said they were coming, but they never showed up," I continued after a few seconds of silence. "After that, they sent me a message explaining that Park Ji-Hye had gotten hurt dancing and they were with her at the hospital," Adora nods.

"Yeah, I remember. She just fell on her butt, but she made a scene like she broke her back. Everyone was freaking out at the company, even Bang PD. But in the end, it was just drama," she laments.

"After that, they didn't even visit me. Not even once," I laughed with no emotion. "Right after, they forgot my birthday. I understand that I wasn't excited at all because of my dad, but it wouldn't hurt to receive some supportive or congratulatory messages from them. I was so upset that I sent some sad texts. In less than thirty minutes, they were knocking on my door. We cried a lot, but I felt like a part of me had come back to life and that everything was going to be okay," I sarcastically laughed. "I couldn't have been more wrong, could I?" I asked.

"Cassie..."

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. After today, I finally understood," I grab a spoon. "They found someone better than me. Someone who can be with them all the time and help them when they need it. I'm just sad that person isn't me. Not anymore," I shove the spoonful of ice cream into my mouth, to prevent the tears stuck in my throat from coming out.

For the rest of the night, Adora didn't bring up the subject again, and I was grateful for that.

A random movie played on TV, but my mind was far away. I looked to the side and saw Adora sleeping with her mouth open. A piece of cookie rested on her cheek while her hand lay above her head. I silently chuckled, covering us and then turning off the TV.

A distant ringing sound caught my attention. I tapped around the couch until I found the phone under the cushion. My eyes automatically closed from the sudden contact with the bright screen, but just as they closed, they widened.

After the first notification, thousands started to show up. My heart throbbed in my chest as my body was flooded with nervousness.

"Min PD: Cassie, please tell me you're there."

"Joonie: Please respond. We're sorry. It wasn't our intention not to show up..." The message appeared cut off because I hadn't unlocked the phone yet.

"Hobierto: Believe us, Cassie. Please, we know you're awake. Answer us."

"Jinnie: Cassandra, we would never do anything to hurt you. Please let us explain."

"Mochi: Answer the phone."

After that message, a group call popped up on the screen. I stared at it, battling the urge to answer. I sighed deeply and threw the phone back onto the couch because no matter how much I wanted to talk to them, I was still hurt. I didn't want to answer and end up fighting. Saying things without thinking and ending up in a worse situation. The best thing to do now was to rest.

I made myself comfortable on the bed we had arranged on the floor, and put the pillow over my head to block out the notifications. When I didn't see any changes, I pressed the power button on my phone and confirmed it right away. I lay back down and took a deep breath. Tomorrow is a new day. Everything will be okay. ——————————————————

It wasn't even dawn when I heard knock after knock. Disoriented, I got up, searching for where the noise was coming from until my feet led me to the front door. I looked at the clock hanging on the wall and got irritated to see it was six past two in the morning.

I swung the door open, ready to argue with whoever had woken me up so early after going to bed so late, but I lost my voice when I saw the seven people I loved most staring at me ty forlornly.

I felt two arms embrace me tightly, followed by two more until I lost count. Desperate whispers for forgiveness echoed in my ear, making me feel loved... until a certain moment. Memories of what had happened the night before made me wake up from the sleep I didn't know I was in. Slowly, I distanced myself from the seven, able to see the tears streaming down some of their faces and sadness emanating from the others.

"Cassie..." Jimin starts. "I'm so sorry. It wasn't our intention to leave you alone in such a difficult time. Please, believe us."

"We didn't come here to lie to you, Cassandra..." Namjoon says. "It really wasn't our intention. I know this is going to sound completely wrong, but we made a promise to Ji-Hye. We promised to take her out to celebrate her birthday since she's far from her family and would probably celebrate alone," I try to hide a grimace.

They couldn't miss her birthday, but could miss mine.

"As soon as we finished eating, we were going to come straight here. And we really were, Cas, really. But the company called saying we had to go there to finalize the last details for the album. It was then that we sent several messages in the group, but you didn't see any."

"That's why we're here," Taehyung says, interrupting Namjoon. "Cassie, listen to me. You're one of the most important people in my life. Sorry if lately my actions haven't shown that, but please, please, Cas, don't be mad at us. I couldn't bear to know that you're upset because of me," he whispers.

"Go to the dorms tonight. Let's talk about this calmly," Hoseok suggests.

I remain silent for a few minutes.

"Come on, please. Hum? Hum?'' Tae shakes my arm. ''You'll go, right? Say yes," he asks.

"Okay," I sigh deeply. "I'll go."

I feel arms wrapping around my body again, and I relax, enjoying the contact. This time, the hug lasted only a few seconds. The boys said goodbye, saying they needed to be at the company in a few hours. 

"Tonight at 7. We'll be waiting for you," Yoongi said and then left. 

I closed the door, trying to contain my excitement and the obvious smile on my face. As I turned to go back to bed, I was startled to see only Adora's head peeking out from behind the couch. She had a radiant smile on her face as she looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"Shut up," I say, making her laugh. ——————————————————

I look at the clock on the wall. It's 8:07 in the evening. Damn, I was late. I could already hear Adora's voice slowly emerging in my mind, saying that I should have listened to her and picked out my outfit earlier. Shaking my head, I focus on finishing getting ready. The last thing I needed right now was a lecture from my own mind.

I hear knocks and the doorbell ringing repeatedly.

"Shit," I mutter as I hop over to the door.

I try to put on my sock while walking to the door, but my unfailing plan soon becomes fallible when I trip over my own hand and fall on the floor. The knocks and the doorbell grow louder, and I feel irritation creeping in. "ALRIGHT, I'M COMING," I yell and pick myself up.

I walk back to the door with a pout and my hair completely tousled, covering my face. I take a deep breath, fix my hair, put on a fake smile, and finally open the door. As I see the seven people I love most in the world looking at me with confused faces, I feel my smile turn genuine, and the earlier irritation vanish as if it had never existed.

"Is everything okay? Why didn't you come?" I hear Taehyung ask as he scrutinizes me from head to toe."

"What happened? Something serious?" Seokjin asks, and I shake my head.

"No, guys, sorry. I almost died trying to choose a good outfit to wear and ended up running late, sorry," I explained laughing.

''What do you mean you almost died?" Jungkook asks as I watch their faces turn into a grimace."

"It was nothing, really," I reassure, taking a quick glance at Jungkook, who was holding back his laugh.

He knew it. I am sure he did.

"Are you sure you didn't... you know... fall on your ass?" he smirks. "I'm sure I heard a huge..."'' 

"Hobi," I said excitedly, "What do you have there?" I pointed to the bags he was carrying while Jungkook laughed.

That little prick.

''Food," he says, shaking the bags. ''We know how much you love eating''.

I chuckle and make way for them to enter. In a few minutes, the food was already on the coffee table, and an improvised bed was set up on the living room floor. I change into more comfortable clothes and join them.

"Look, before we start, we want you to know how sorry we are," Yoongi says.

"Yes... Sorry for not being there on the visitation's day," Jimin adds. "If there's anything you want to say, anything that's bothering you, please let us know. We'll fix it all, Cassie. ''he holds my hand.'' We want things to go back to how they used to be."

"We're here for you, Cas," Jin finishes, and I smile weakly.

I pause for a moment, feeling that it still wasn't the right time. So, I just sigh and shake my head.

"It's okay, guys. Really," I open with a smile. "Let's just watch this movie already. I'm dying to see who'll be the first one to cry and shake in fear like a little kitten." I say, trying to change the subject, and smirk when I realize it worked.

"I am sure it won't be me," Hoseok says with confidence. "Cause you know..." he shows off his muscles. "I'm a man," he pauses for a minute.

It doesn't take long until Hoseok's laughter fills the room, making everyone laugh.

"Who listens to him talking like this, doesn't even think the Gladiator sandal outside belongs to him," Jungkook says, making Hoseok look at him flabbergasted.

''Hey, what do you mean by that?'' he asks shookedt. ''It's fashionable''

"Yeah, Hobi. Sure is," Yoongi says, patting his shoulder.

''Why I don't believe you are being honest?'' Hoseok asks putting his finger under his chain. ''I'm going to expose you on Twitter. Or should I say X?''

''What? Are you into Xvideos?'' Namjoon asks as he returns. 

Everybody stops and looks at him. When did he even leave to begin with?

"What were you doing, Joonie?" I ask, smirking at him. "Were you in the bathroom?" he nods as the rest of the boys laugh.

''Now we know why you are thinking naughtiness'' Jimin says.

Namjoon's face turns red as he shakes his hands nervously. He tries to sit down on the couch but somehow ends up falling on the ground. We can see his cellphone flying around the living room as he throws his arms in the air in an attempt to regain his balance, but it doesn't work, as expected.

''No need to be nervous, Joonie'' I say. ''Everybody masturbates once in a while.''

''Do we?'' Yoongi looks at me suspiciously.

"I mean," I chuckle nervously. "How did we even get to this conversation? Let's just watch the movie for God's sake."

"Nah, nah. Don't you try coming up with excuses," Tae says abruptly. "What do you mean by that? Are you dating someone?" Jungkook seems to be having fun as he opens a beer can.

''What? Me? Dating?'' I laugh. ''Not even close. But I can't say the same about Jungkook, can I?'' he chokes.

''Uh? What you on about?'' he asks as he cleans his mouth. ‘’Seven days a week, huh?’’ he burst into laughter. He pauses for a minute before smirking. "Hm, why's that, baby girl?" he says, leaning in my direction. "Are you jealous?" he asks, putting a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Do you want me to…" he bites his lower lip. "You know," he says putting his finger on my lips. I can already feel the cringeness and second-hand embarrassment traveling throughout my body as the rest of the boys laugh. This prick. ‘’You really need to get out from twitter,’’ I say, shoving him away. ‘’The next step is to put up a black and white profile picture and call yourself a webdom’’ He raises both of his middle fingers in my direction before turning his attention back to the beer can. ‘’Are you guys done? Can I finally play this damn movie?’’ Yoongi asks, making everybody nod.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Time passed quickly, and before I knew it, it was time for them to leave. Unfortunately, they couldn't stay overnight. They had to leave very early the next day due to their schedule. 

I hesitated to get up; I didn't want to accompany them to the door out of sheer laziness, and feeling Taehyung shaking me with his foot made me even more sluggish.

"If you keep doing that, I swear I'll fall asleep," I say, making him huff.

"Come on, sloth imitation. Take us to the door," Jimin says, but gives up when he sees Jungkook lying next to me.

"Jungkook, I'm sure you really like your video game, right?" Seokjin asks, and in a jump, Jungkook gets up.

"Are you really not taking us to the door?" Yoongi asks, and I remain silent. "Okay then."

When I open my eyes to see what he was going to do, I feel an arm gather and squeeze my legs while a hand starts tickling my feet furiously.

"JESUS!" I scream in surprise.

I heard laughter as I fought for my life. The strange feeling that tickling brought made me confused if I was laughing because I found it funny or if it was fear messing up my nervous system. The laughter increased as I writhed and screamed for help.

"YOONGI, YOU JERK!" I said without realizing that I was actually yelling.

"Weren't you sleepy?" Yoongi asks. "So, I'm trying to help you."

"WAIT UNTIL I GET UP, YOU PIECE OF BROWN SUGAR, I'M GOING TO END YOU."

"Are you going to take us to the door?" he asks.

"OKAY, OKAY, I'LL TAKE YOU, JUST STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD," I yell.

I feel my body calm down and my brain start functioning again as the tickling ceases. I looked at Yoongi who was laughing while sniffing his hand.

"Ew, you have smelly feet," he says, and I get up.

"Come here, you little jerk," I chase after him as he runs away mocking me.

After a few seconds, I could already feel that the 70% of water in my body had evaporated and the air in my lungs was scarce. When did my body become so sedentary?

"Idiot," I curse Yoongi who laughs. "I hate you."

"I love you too, beautiful thing," I hear him say.

Finally, I accompany them to the door. After a lazy farewell, I see them about to leave, but a click in my mind makes me stop them.

"As you know, I graduated from college, but since it was at the time when my father died, I didn't have any enthusiasm to celebrate. Adora recommended that I have a celebration the day after tomorrow night, since it's the weekend. Just to not let it go unnoticed. So... you guys are invited."

"We'll be here, don't worry," Namjoon says, and I smile nodding.

We say goodbye again, and this time, I see them leave. Seeing the elevator door close, I go back inside the house. The smile on my face never leaves me for a second, and finally, after so long, I could feel that things would really be okay.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Thanks to Adora, everything was organized on time. The food was ordered since neither she nor I wanted anyone to die from food poisoning. The time we ended up in the hospital the day we cooked for each other was enough. No need to repeat the dose.

I check the time on my phone and see it's 8pm. They would arrive at any moment, so I sit next to Adora on the couch to chat until then.

☂ ☂

Some time passed, and the boys still hadn't arrived. I look at the time again and see that it's 9:46. I try not to think the worst and choose to believe they would be here soon.

☂ ☂

I sigh deeply at seeing what time it is: 11:14. I try to ignore Adora's pitying look and get up from the couch. I suppress the tears once again. I am tired of crying. And more than ever, I realize that they don't deserve my tears.

"Cassandra..." Adora calls me, and I look at her. "I'm sure there's an explanation for this. Something must have happened at the company, and they couldn't let us know." I shake my head.

Something inside me told me that wasn't it, and I decided to trust my intuition.

"Adora, can you take me to the dorm?," I ask softly. "I don't think I'll have the courage to go alone," I weakly smile, and she nods.

"Of course, my love. Of course..." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

The car journey lasted less than I wished. My mind was constantly clouded by memories, anxiety making the painful memories hurt twice as much. I laughed in disbelief. I wondered what I had done wrong to deserve this.

"Thank you for bringing me," I look at Adora. "And thank you for always being by my side in difficult times. If I felt supported and loved, be sure that it's all because of you. You're an amazing person, Adora, and I hope you know that." she smiles.

"Regardless of what happens there, remember that you are enough. Not for them, but for yourself. Don't belittle yourself for them, Cassie, and don't let the love you feel for them speak louder than your self-love. If you survived two hellish months without their presence, be sure that you can live your life and be immensely happy in the future without them. I guarantee you that," I feel her hand squeezing mine for comfort, and I smile. "I'll be waiting for you here," I nod.

I get out of the car, feeling Adora's words take effect. I walk bravely towards the towering building, ignoring every feeling of nostalgia trying to invade me. I couldn't lose focus now.

Arriving on their dorm's floor, I feel my heart skip a beat. I pause for a moment and try to put my thoughts and feelings in order. Seeing no result, I lean against the wall and try in every way to avoid a panic attack that was about to come. As if it were a heavenly help, I feel my phone vibrate. With trembling hands, I pick it up and see a message from Adora.

"Don't forget, you are strong and capable. And never for a moment think you are alone, because I'm here for you."

I clutch my phone tightly. Adora is right. I am strong and I am capable. I can do this because regardless of what happens, I will be okay.

I take a deep breath, gathering all the strength and courage from my being, and knock on the door. I freeze when I realize what I've done, but I quickly compose myself. I will be okay.

A few seconds passed and no one answered, so I knocked again. But just like the first time, there was no response. After the third attempt, I decide to enter. Typing the password on the door, I entered the dormitory.

Upon realizing that there was no one in the main hall, the pounding of my heart calmed down. I begin to walk through the dormitory, recalling every good moment I had with my boys. I feel the sadness emanating in my chest once again.

I really didn't want to lose them.

As I walked down the corridor, I heard voices coming from the kitchen. I started walking with firm steps, but I felt my legs waver when I heard a female voice among their voices. It was her.

"Jungkook-oppa, you're so silly," I hear her delicate laughter, feeling jealousy burning in my chest.

It should be me there.

"The silly you love," I hear Jungkook reply.

I could hear the happiness in his voice. It was as if they didn't need anyone else at the moment but her. And that made me hate her, but my own mind scolded me. She is not worthy of my hatred. She is as innocent as I am in this story. She did nothing to hurt me, so why would I hate her?

"Hinnie," I hear Hoseok's voice.

Hinnie...

"Try it and tell me what you think."

There was a moment of pause until applause and sounds of appreciation were made.

"It's amazing, oppa," she says. "You really keep improving in the kitchen every day."

Unable to bear it anymore, I think of simply turning around and leaving, but something catches my attention. And it was precisely there, in that moment, that I regretted staying.

"Why do I feel like we're forgetting something?" I hear Taehyung say, and I feel my body tremble.

Once again, there was a pause until someone shouted.

"Shit, really," Jimin said. "We forgot to take the drinks out of the freezer."

I feel my heart break, as if that were possible. I let out a disbelieving laugh and finally come out from where I was hiding.

"And try more of this," Hoseok suddenly stops. "Cassie..."

I hear the sound of something falling to the ground. Soon, everyone was staring at me wide-eyed. I repress the urge to laugh. I realize how messy my whole body was the moment I wanted to laugh and not cry.

"Oh no," Jimin says, as if remembering something. "The party."

With that said, everyone becomes even more desperate. Seeing them approaching, I panic.

"Don't come near,"

They quickly stop. I see them not knowing what to do. And it wasn't just them. I end up getting disoriented with so much pressure. Where did my courage go when I needed it most?

"Um... what's going on?" she asks, and I close my eyes.

It's not her fault. It's not her fault...

"Ji-Hye, could you leave us alone for a moment?" Namjoon asks.

"Yes, of course. It's time for me to leave anyway," she gets up. "I'll see you later," she says bowing both to them and to me.

After she left, silence hung in the air. I tried to hold back my laughter, but when I saw everyone's confused faces, I knew I had failed. When I noticed that no one was going to say anything, I took the initiative.

"Do you know what's more disappointing? It's that I really thought this time would be different," I shrug. "I guess I was wrong, wasn't I?"

"Cas..."

"Do you remember when you asked me if I had something to say, Jinnie? If something was hurting me? Well, I do, and I hope I won't be interrupted."

With no response, I continue.

"I feel like I died. It's been a while since I am just surviving," I start. "The fact that you didn't come to the visitation isn't the part that hurts the most, it's that you weren't there when my father passed away. I remember how desperate I was, and the only people I could think of were you. But you weren't there. Damn, you didn't even call." I whisper as tears fall freely down my face. "When I found myself alone in the hospital, realizing that the person who adopted me and chose me to love had died, that was my first death. The person who loved me, who looked beyond language or race barriers, and who taught me everything I know had suddenly left, without even giving me a chance to say goodbye. Do you know how I felt? Devastated."

I pause for a moment. Melancholy takes over my body as I recall all the feelings I felt that day, and for a moment, I allow myself to cry all I needed. I sob so much that I thought I might choke. Without caring about looks or pity, I just allowed myself, knowing that everything would be okay.

"When I called the only people I thought I could count on, and they told me they were coming, I didn't feel so alone," I let out a humorless laugh. "Until I realized that those people never arrived. The people who always said they would be there for me weren't there when I needed them the most. That was my second death," I look at Jin. "Don't say these things to anybody if they are not coming from your heart. Don't hurt anyone else by saying you have their backs or that you will always be there for them when in reality it's not the truth."

I look at each one. Their gazes were distant, as if they were reliving every moment. 

"You know, I don't want you to think I'm mad at Park Ji-Hye. Actually, quite the opposite. I was really happy when you said you met someone nice. Someone who really cared about you and genuinely wanted your friendships. I know how tough it is for you to find real friendships with all the fame, so I felt fulfilled too. I remember telling daddy excitedly, and he laughed at my excitement, happy for you and for me. Right after that, I lost him, and little by little, I lost you too, like I was meant to be alone," I smile weakly. "I am sorry if I'm being selfish, but that's how I feel. You guys forgot my birthday. Forgot the visitation days, and to top it off, you forgot my graduation party. It's like you replaced me as if I never even existed in your lives, and that really hurts. Really.''

I finish, and only then I realize they were crying with me. Some didn't have the courage to meet my gaze. We spent a few minutes without anyone saying anything. The only thing filling the air was the sound of our sniffles and sobs.

"On the day your father died," Namjoon begins. "We felt like we had lost a family member because he was, in fact, one. I am truly sorry, Cas, but for me, Park Ji-Hye's fall was an escape. I didn't want to face reality. I wouldn't know how to react to the loss of someone so special, and I also wouldn't know how to act with you," he looks at me.

"On your birthday, we thought you would like to be alone. It would be the first without your father, so we didn't know what to do, Cassie. We panicked," Jimin sighs. "But now I realize how you felt," he laughs humorlessly. "My God, I never thought I'd be such a horrible friend. What a disappointment," he whispers, covering his face with his hand.

"On visitation days," I look at Hoseok. "I confess that I clung to any opportunity not to go, Cas," he cries. "Not because I didn't love you. I love you, and I love you very much, but I never knew how to react to death. The only two times I entered a cemetery, I spent the rest of the week feeling bad, with depressive thoughts. I also couldn't let Armys worry. I didn't want their 'Sun' to lose its brightness. I am so sorry for not being able to tell you this before. I didn't want to seem selfish."

I suppress a disbelieving laugh.

"Hearing all this, I realize how futile our apologies seem," Yoongi laughs weakly. "But they are true, Cassie... I understand what Hoseok says. You know about my history with depression, don't you?" he asks, and I nod. "It's the same thing for me. If I enter a cemetery, my thoughts don't stop. Some come in a worse form, and I feel like I'm going crazy."

"We were selfish, Cas," Seokjin says. "I was. I didn't want Armys to see us sad because I knew the chaos it would be. I have no words to express how special you are to me," he pauses. "Cassie, you are my sister, my family. You weren't crying alone; I cried with you. I just couldn't show it. I knew it would be worse if I saw you cry, just like I am seeing now."

There was a moment of silence. Until his voice broke.

"I am sorry," Taehyung says. "Damn, I don't even know what to say, Cassie. You are one of the most precious people I have ever met. I remember how you stayed with us through thick and thin. I also remember how happy you were for us at the beginning, and I know the genuine happiness you felt when we received our first award. You stood by my side when my grandma passed away. How could I not be by your side too? My God," he puts his hand on his head in an act of despair. "You stayed by our side when we thought about disbanding. It was you who helped us see why we are here, who helped us find reasons to stay," he looks at me anxiously. "How could I be so selfish?"

"We thought that regardless of anything, you would always be by our side. That you would understand us, even with our deplorable attitudes. We always thought we would have you next to us, so we neglected you," Yoongi shakes his head. I feel like he answered more to Taehyung than to me. "Damn, anjinho, I'm sorry," I lower my head as I hear him call me by the nickname I loved so much.

"The fact that we started a new friendship also influenced us," Jungkook says. "We were so excited that someone, besides you, wanted a friendship without interest that without realizing it, we put aside the one that had been with us from the beginning," I hear Jungkook say muffled, as his two hands covered his face.

"We don't deserve you, Cassandra. We left you at the most difficult moment of your life, and yet you never stopped loving us," Yoongi pulls his own hair, a habit he always did when he was nervous. "We can't let you leave thinking that we don't care about you because, Cassie, that would be a complete lie. With the stress of the comeback, things only got worse. It was rehearsal, recording, agendas to fulfill, productions, trips, tours. Our minds were a mess, and Park Ji-Hye tried to help us from there. We know she's not the one to blame, and it's not your fault either. It's ours and only ours. I know this will seem like a lame excuse, but I didn't want to let you go thinking that you aren't precious to us. You are Cas. And you always will be."

I close my eyes and try to control my breathing. If before I felt bad, now I feel ten times worse. It seemed like I didn't even know them anymore. The feeling of comfort they made me feel was replaced by anguish. By sadness.

I open my eyes, and for the last time, I look at my boys. I realize that Taehyung understood my gaze.

"Cassie, please... Please don't..." Taehyung starts, but is interrupted by Seokjin.

"Don't you dare say what I think you're going to say."

"But I can't lose her, Hyung. I can't lose her," Taehyung says, crouching down.

I think about going to him, but then I retreat my body. If I do that, I know my heart will weaken, and at the moment, the only person I need to think about is myself.

"I'm sorry, hyung, but I'll be selfish," Namjoon says to Seokjin, and I look at him confused. "I don't know what your decision will be, Cassie. I'll support you, even if you choose to leave without our friendship. But I beg you... Cassandra, I implore you, try to find in yourself a little piece that doesn't want to give up on us. It doesn't have to be now. I want you to heal, and I don't care how long it takes. The only thing I ask is that you don't forget us and don't give up on us. Come back to us when you feel ready. I don't want to lose you, Cas. I..."

"I really hope you find a way to forgive us, Cassie. But understand that if you don't, we'll understand. You, more than anyone else, have every right to hate us," Yoongi says, interrupting Namjoon. "I hope you don't forget about us because, with all my heart, we won't forget about you."

I feel my heart shattering with every tear that falls on their faces. I smile weakly. I will really miss them.

I bow in a sign of respect, and as I return to my normal position, I raise my hand to my heart.

"Thank you, my boys. For all the good moments. You were a very important part of my life, which I will carry forever. I will never forget about all of you," I smile faintly. "How could I forget my first true friendships? My first loves?" I whisper.

I take a breath and smile. A true smile. A smile of gratitude.

"Regardless of what happened, you guys deserve nothing but love and happiness. Don't let anyone say otherwise. Even far away, please remember I will always be cheering for your success. And whenever you feel unloved, remember I love you. Very, very much.'' I can hear their sobs getting stronger. ''Don't think I blame you for what happened; I think I finally understand that life has its ups and downs. People come and unfortunately go," I see Taehyung desperate, trying to find something to say. I look away. I need to be strong. "I hope that every day your friendship with Park Ji-Hye grows, and that you take from all of this a lesson.''

I take a deep breath, looking at them for the last time.

''From the bottom of my heart... I wish you to be immensely happy."

In a gesture, I send thousands of kisses. I see Tae wanting to approach, so I turn around and start walking towards the exit, and this time, I don't cry. I feel the weight of sadness in my chest, but the weight of peace for having put everything I felt out was greater. And for the first time in two months, I believe it when I say that everything will be okay.

[greatwesternway]

Diesel Does It Some More

A thing I think is sort of overlooked about Diesel is that he is one of the few characters in the series who gets genuine development over the course of the show. Some characters get that over the course of two episodes, particularly if they are a one-off, but Diesel is the only one who got development slowly - so slowly - over the course of several seasons.

I have a longer, different post coming about his early history on Sodor so we're not gonna talk about Duck v. Diesel here. This post concerns what happens after the point at which we can assume Sir Topham Hatt finally gave in and bought Diesel outright, securing his place on the NWR's roster.

Effectively, what this means is Diesel is no longer in danger of being sent away, but it also means he has to invest more in his relationships with other engines because it's a small island.

He's not been well prepared for this on the Other Railway. Luckily he has tons of time to learn.

The first few seasons after his acquisition are rocky. Diesel needs to show he deserves his place on Sodor, but he usually tries to accomplish this by undermining other engines which is not conductive to getting the work done ("Fergus Breaks the Rules"). He's also still telling them that steam engines will be scrapped ("Thomas to the Rescue", "Squeak, Rattle and Roll"), which is obviously not true on Sodor but is often an effective way of achieving his first method. (It's also, I think, important to note that the punishment for the thing with Fergus was being sent to work at the smelter's, which is where 'Arry and Bert work, but that's an entire other post too. It set him back, let's just say.)

From here on out, though, Diesel is sometimes treated by the narrative neutrally rather than as a villain. In "Respect for Gordon" he's making fun of Gordon, but so is Emily so that's not really a comment on him so much (also he does this by facetiously wishing Gordon well which is an interesting and funny twist on that). He's the villain in "Emily and the Special Coaches" but it comes about that he's behaved this way because his accomplishment of shunting the most trucks in a day has been overlooked and he's acknowledged for it by the end of the episode.

In "Thomas and the Billboard", Diesel is actually the victim of circumstance (and his own reputation, let's be real). During a photoshoot for a billboard, Diesel is directed by the photographer to move forward and he accidentally obscures Thomas from the shot. Later, when Thomas sees the billboard, he assumes Diesel blocked him on purpose. Shit happens, the billboard has to be redone anyway, but this time, Thomas deliberately does not tell Diesel about the rescheduled shoot. Thomas keeps stalling the reshoot to keep Diesel from finding out about it, which in turn keeps all the other engines off their jobs as well. It later turns out the Diesel was doing the priority stuff they were all supposed to be doing and was now late to do his own jobs.

So to sum up, Diesel is the only one doing his fkn job today and Thomas is trying to fuck him over all unbeknownst. Fascinating! Thomas does apologize eventually and everyone gets to be on the billboard.

Then you got "Don't Go Back" where Diesel keeps goading Thomas into - more or less - friendly races that end up causing confusion and delay. The episode concludes with them setting out on another race so the takeaway isn't that Diesel was actually out to make trouble so much as just show he was better than Thomas.

These are all from the model series. I don't necessarily think there was any sort of organized effort to make Diesel more friendly here. One might even attribute this to the show seemingly forgetting who certain characters were. I'm pretty sure the show bible at this point specifically said he was a villain. Still, there's a cohesion to it and they're doing interesting things with the expectations. (Also, as an aside, Diesel being the only one doing his work also happened in "Diesel Does It Again" so that's not exactly out of character, hilariously enough.)

Diesel gets sidelined to cameos for a while as the show transitions to CGI, but he does have one notable outing in which he's desperate for the approval of children and commandeers a bunch of other engines' seemingly better freight to get it ("Diesel's Special Delivery"). This episode is sort of ??? but I do like the end where Diesel's boring utilitarian freight (slate to repair their school's roof) is actually what the children want. It's not a full treatise on steam/diesel relations, but most people probably think the Class 08 is boring compared to steam engines so if you're choosing to see this as a metaphor, then it's nice the functional freight got the appreciation in the end.

And this is where shit starts getting real interesting!

Day of the Diesels is... it's not a good movie. I won't lie and tell you that. But it does do very interesting things with the diesel vs. steam concept. It points out things that would happen on Sodor as a logical conclusion of dieselization on the mainland (things that look much more unfair than they are in a show that prefers to disregard that part of the lore) and I love how they re-conceptualized Diesel 10 from his Thomas and the Magic Railroad debut. That stuff deserves its own essay, but the important thing about Day of the Diesels today is that it's the first time we see a steam engine really giving Diesel the benefit of the doubt.

The engine in question is Percy and he's ideally suited to extend this olive branch. As far as steam engines go, he's got the least status among them. He pulls the mail train, but even the Pride of the Line is treated as beneath most of the other steam engines. He also lacks a pedigree. Granted, most of Hatt's early acquisitions have dubious claims to lineage but Percy's just a straight up mongrel with no discernible builder. And most exploitable, many the other steam engines don't treat Percy with much respect either. Even Thomas is blowing him off in the movie, which is what gives the diesels their opportunity.

It's no accident that the diesels choose Percy as the target for their appeal and it's no accident they enlist Diesel to reel him in. Diesel is convincing, persuasive, and knows the motions of sympathy even if he doesn't quite manage empathy.

Unfortunately, the second Percy arrives at the Dieselworks, they literally put Diesel on a shelf and Diesel 10 takes over.

But the point is, Percy is now an ally of diesel equity and he's got a sort of acquaintance with Diesel himself (aside from it undoubtedly being Percy's idea to strike rather than work with Diesel, who he'd only just met at that point). And it comes back around later.

In "Percy and the Calliope", Percy and Diesel are tasked with taking a busted-ass calliope to the smelter's, but Percy wants to see if it can be fixed. Diesel disparages the operation the whole time... but he does go along with every single thing that Percy wants to try too. Even after Percy insulted him by mistaking his squeaking axles for the Monster of Brendham six episodes earlier.

"Disappearing Diesels" is when the effort to actually develop him starts in earnest. Up to now, things have just been kind of moving along in a lazy and convenient sort of way. Diesel gets to approach the possibility of being cool as a matter of deus ex machina. This episode marks the first time they actually put a specific thing in that they reach back for later to show he's learned something.

In this episode, Diesel convinces all the other diesels to hide from Paxton. And Paxton, not being too bright, comes to the conclusion that all the diesels on Sodor have disappeared. He searches all over Sodor until he happens upon Diesel at the docks. Diesel runs from him but because he spends so fuel evading Paxton, he runs dry on the line. Paxton then shunts Diesel to the next station to get refueled which Diesel does not understand because this is surely not a thing that he would do.

"That's what friends are for," says Paxton.

That evening, Diesel takes the berth next to Paxton's and, though he cannot bring himself to say thank you, he does give him a pained little smile.

The next season, we've got "Wild Water Rescue", in which Diesel commandeers a job Percy was given because he thinks he's going to get his picture in the newspaper. He sends Percy to an abandoned quarry instead where Percy runs himself into a pond and puts out his firebox. Later, Diesel (after finding that the photo was only of Search and Rescue vehicles) goes to find Percy and tries to pull him out, only to flood his own generator too.

And as they are sitting there in that pond, Diesel makes a valiant effort to actually apologize to Percy. He can't quite get the word "Sorry" out of his mouth and he's interrupted by the entire Sodor Search and Rescue before he could manage it. Unlike the thank you he owed to Paxton in "Disappearing Diesels" though, he's actually making an effort here for Percy.

And Percy knows what's up. Percy knows what's good! The next day, he visits Diesel in the Dieselworks to thank him for trying to rescue him (even if Diesel tricked him in the first place) and to show him that he did get his photo in the paper.

Couple seasons later, there's "Springtime for Diesel" where he bumps Daisy so hard that her springs sprong. She has to go to the Dieselworks and it takes so long to get replacement springs in for her that rumors start circulating that she may have to be scrapped. Diesel feels terrible about this and goes to visit her. She pretends to be asleep though, which permits Diesel to actually say that he's sorry this time. With the words and everything!

He's then quick to excuse his behavior by saying that he's mean to other engines because they're mean to him and they blame him for everything, but that he likes Daisy and wishes he could make everything right again. He's resigned though that after this, she's probably not going to want to be his friend.

When Daisy does get her new springs, Diesel is the first to meet her on the tracks. She doesn't directly acknowledge his apology because I think she does get that's a big step for him and she doesn't want to call attention to it. She does tell him though that if he wants to be friends, he has to change his ways.

And he does!

...until literally the next episode where he's trying to start shit between her and Harvey, but Diesel is as Diesel does.

Finally - finally! - in "Sonny's Second Chance", Diesel comes full circle and takes responsibility for his mischief in order to save Sonny from being sent away.

In this episode, Sonny (a steam engine who arrived in the company of a pair of thieves) has been offered the chance to stay and work on Sodor, but only if he proves himself trustworthy and Useful. He finds however that though he tries to be helpful, his actions are interpreted in bad faith by other engines, leaving him ripe for exploitation by a certain engine who knows that song and dance by heart.

Diesel tricks Sonny into hauling his cars to the dump, but they're actually having fun together.

But Diesel fucks it up 'cause of course. On his next job, he brags to Percy that he tricked Sonny into pulling his fish cars, but Sonny overhears. He storms off to deliver the cars and Diesel, realizing he's fucked another friendship, chases after him, but gets switched onto a siding, derails, and almost falls into a Class 08-sized grave. Sonny (who has notably quick reflexes demonstrated both here and earlier when he bumped James out from under falling watermelons) is able to hook a tow chain on and pull Diesel away from the hole. He accidentally derails his own fish cars by backing up so fast, but he catches Diesel before he falls in.

And Diesel thanks him for it! No hesitation, no hemming and hawwing. And. AND! He also admits that he did not deserve to be rescued. Look at my boy! Look at him GO! And Sonny! Sonny tells him straight up, "No, probably not." Which, gangster. "Consider it a second chance." A second chance! For Diesel! No one's ever actually given him one of those before.

Then Sir Topham Hatt rolls up and - in form we've not seen Hatt Bullshit in for quite some time - looks upon this scene and focuses his attentions on clearly the most pressing and important thing: "What's going on here? And what are those fish doing on the tracks?"

Sonny takes responsibility for the fish, and Hatt is all "Well, you've had your chance. I did say you'd have to leave if-"

"No!" interrupts Diesel. And he begs Hatt not to send Sonny away. And admits that everything was his fault. And tells Hatt that Sonny saved him.

"Is this true?" Hatt asks in his blithe Hatt Bullshit way. And it is, so Hatt declares that Sonny can stay and word gets around that Sonny's a hero.

Then they cancelled the show so we never get to see him again!

I'm real fuckin' mad about it honestly because not only was Sonny's episode the culmination of a seasons' long character arc for Diesel, but Sonny is such a uniquely perfect character to give Diesel a proper friend, which I'd argue he never got. Paxton is too trusting, Percy has better options, Daisy obviously isn't going to be BFF's with this guy.

Sonny was so uniquely positioned to be a good friend for Diesel. He's new so he doesn't have existing relationships to interfere with or a long history of previous slights to overlook. He's already committed to giving Diesel a second chance at getting this friend thing right, but he's not forgiving or naive the way Percy and Paxton are. Sonny suffers from the same problems of reputation that Diesel does but is determined to overcome them, which Diesel has never had motivation or incentive to do before. They'd be good accountabili-buddies that way. And perhaps most importantly, Sonny is a steam engine so he'd be closing that old diesel vs. steam gap once and for all.

That Diesel actually fessed up to keep a steam engine on Sodor is something on its own. The implication is that Diesel has found something compelling and resonant about this guy that copping to his bullshit is preferable to Sonny being sent away. If you're keeping dieselization in the back of your mind, you perhaps know there's not many other places anymore for such an engine to go.

What a turnaround for the guy who first arrived on Sodor bragging about how revolutionary he was.

[battlegroundofdreams]

4

The meeting in Krios' office doesn't go exactly as planned....

An hour later, and after both getting cleaned up after training, Morpheus and Melinoe headed up to Krios’ office.  Both were dressed fully in black and looked like a matching pair, and in time they would be; however, at the moment, Morpheus was still trying to figure out the enigma that was the woman walking next to him.  To be called to the office of the Prime, to have a messenger treat her as if she was an officer in the corps, the name the messenger had called her, there were questions that he wanted answers to, and if they didn’t come in the Krios’ office, he’d find out later.

There was no wait once they had arrived at the office. Krios’ assistant had been waiting for them and showed them in immediately.  The auburn haired Prime had his back to them when they entered, but his posture left no donut that he was unhappy.  Surely soon he would be letting them both know his thoughts on the matter that had called them up.

“Andromeda will be joining us.”  The Prime’s deep voice echoed around his office as they took seats across from his desk.  He still had not turned from the window.  He was expecting problems with Morpheus, and was preparing to reign in his temper to keep from losing one of his best agents.  It was no secret that the agent didn’t want a partner, and now to have a case so soon after being assigned, it was sure to cause issues.

Morpheus and Melinoe looked at one another.  Not only was the Prime meeting with them but also the Adjutrix, even with what was in the scroll, it didn’t seem a serious enough situation to require that.  For the first time since she received the scroll, Melinoe became nervous.  Not killing a nightmare on the first attempt was hardly a rare occurrence, let alone when there had been more than one and she had been alone.  Morpheus couldn’t miss the trepidation he now saw in her eyes.  

“I apologize for my delay,” Andromeda entered the office and closed the door.  There was little doubt in either her or Krios’ mind that this would get loud and messy.  Morpheus was known for his temper just about as much as his ego.

“EMA (eema) Melinoe, to be honest we're not sure that this nightmare is part of that team you took on, but if not then he's duplicating their methods.” Krios turned from the window, his heavily tattooed forearms crossed over his broad chest.  They were a testament to the battles he had fought as an agent.  “We've had two more agents almost taken out by him. They're not getting even close to him.  This is why we need you.”

Now what the messenger had said made sense to Morpheus.  He'd pronounced the acronym wrong, Melinoe was an Elite Master Assassin.  That was a rank he hadn't even achieved.  It added to his respect for her, but also brought up new questions. 

“Agent Morpheus and I will be ready tomorrow to start tracking, sir.” Melinoe answered, still not sure why they had been called up to the office for a routine thing.  “We spent today practicing and training, I have no doubt we'll make a good team.  His reputation, as I'm sure you know, is well earned.” She turned her head slightly towards Morpheus and gave him a small smile.  She was honest . 

“EMA Melinoe, we are not worried about your abilities.  We want to ensure we do not have another agent down to injuries that could be avoided if one were to use caution, patience, and check their ego at the door.” Andromeda was frank, and the look she cast towards Morpheus made her disdain clear.  Now everyone knew why they were there, and none looked happy about it.

“I can assure you..” Melinoe started trying to head off the fight she could almost feel coming.  As Andromeda has spoken, Morpheus has straightened and his hands had balled to fists.  She couldn’t blame him, the Adjutrix hadn't even attempted to be delicate . 

“You're worried about ME getting her injured or killed?  Come out and say it if you have the balls.” Morpheus interrupted.  “You heard my partner, we function well together and be fine. Can you both fuck off now?”

“Until she steps on your toes or says something you don't like, right Morpheus?” Now Krios was going to take him head on.  “Then what? You'll leave her in the dream alone? Tell her to fuck off now? Make her carry your weight? I need both of you back, and I don't care if your ego has to be sacrificed for it.” He leaned over the desk after Morpheus, his hands going flat on it.  His muscles could be seen flexing under his dress shirt. Obviously the Prime was ready for a fight.

Unfortunately Morpheus wasn’t looking to disappoint, “you really think that I would do that?”  He was now on his feet, quickly followed by Melinoe who was going to try to keep the two powerful men from destroying each other and the office.

“Check my ego and temper, but I'm not the only one with either of those, am I?  I get it, she's higher rank, but I have earned respect.” He looked between Krios and Andromeda, obviously enraged.  “I would never abandon another agent, or endanger them, because of my ego.  I know where to find Mel if I have a score to settle.”

“Morpheus, I don't think that's what they..” once more Melinoe started trying to defuse the situation. 

“No, he understood me.” Andromeda cut her off this time. “You're reckless, Morpheus.  You take risks. Only now it won't be just you.  You'll have one of the best with you and…”

“And who is another of those bests? ME! So I'm pretty damn sure we have this…” Morpheus took a step towards Andromeda, Melinoe gently touching his arm to try and calm him.

“AGENT MORPHEUS!” Krios’ hands slammed down on his desk to get everyone's attention.  “You will respect the chain of command in my office or…”

“Or what? You'll take me off the case and send Mel in with someone inferior?  You are actually standing there and threatening me?”

Melinoe felt like she was watching the beginning of another World War and she had no interest in it.  “Sir, I trust Morpheus and that should be enough.  No one is going to be left behind or not protected.  I think we all need to think about what we're saying.  Morpheus is right, you're both being insulting to his abilities.”

Her hand tightened on Morpheus’ arm.  She didn't want a full on fight.  If she was going to have to go back up against one of those nightmares, she wanted him as her backup. “Morpheus, it's fine.  Don't take their bait.” She kept her voice low and hoped they'd built enough of a report that he'd listen . 

“You should listen to your partner Morpheus. It seems at least one of you…” Andromeda started, before being cut off.

“If she's so fucking perfect, what do you need me for? Clean up duty? Someone to take the blame if it goes sideways?” Morpheus didn't ever let her get started before raging.  “I've never had to clean up someone’s messes before and I'm not liking it now. It’s not my fault your apparent darling isn’t capable of doing it on her own and needs someone to come in and save it for her.  People don’t die on my watch, but I guess now I have to make sure they don’t die on hers too.  What exactly am I getting out of this whole arrangement?”

“ENOUGH!!”  Now it was Melinoe that had everyone’s attention, and none looked sure what she was going to say.  

“Fine, you don't want to, how'd you say it? Clean up my mess?  Fine. I'll figure it out myself, and do it without you.  I didn't ask for your help, or to be your partner in the first place.  Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go prepare for tomorrow.  I’m sure Krios and Andromeda can find something to keep you busy while I work.”  She gave no one a chance to answer, she strode from the room, slamming the door behind her so hard it rattled.

For a moment no one left in the office moved.   Up until then, Melinoe had been the most calm in the room.   It was clear she was now, however, seriously pissed.  Krios and Andromeda had never seen her anywhere near that emotional regarding anything, let alone that enraged.  It was clear that the meeting had gone in a direction that they had not anticipated and now they might have created a problem that could not be rectified easily.

“If anything happens to her either fighting that nightmare or afterwards, your career is over.” Krios said firmly, but flatly. “I will completely decimate your life outside of the agency. You will pray for death.  Your skill has got you this far, Morpheus, but you've reached the end of what it can do for you.  We gave you the one agent who we believed could work with you, and you’ve not even lasted a day.  You’d better hope you can fix this.  Now, GET.OUT. of my office.”

[kingstreetdental1]

"Emergency Dental Care at King Street Dental: Your Go-To Clinic in Times of Dental Crisis"

Introduction: In the hustle and bustle of daily life, dental emergencies can strike unexpectedly, causing pain and discomfort that need immediate attention. That's where King Street Dental steps in – as your reliable partner in emergency dental care. In this blog, we'll explore why King Street Dental is your top choice when it comes to handling dental emergency clinic with expertise and compassion.

Expertise in Emergency Dental Care: At King Street Dental, we understand that dental emergencies can happen at any time, often when least expected. That's why our team of experienced dentists is always prepared to provide prompt and effective care when you need it most. Whether you're experiencing severe tooth pain, a knocked-out tooth, or a dental abscess, our skilled professionals are equipped to address a wide range of dental emergencies with precision and care.

State-of-the-Art Facilities: Our clinic is outfitted with state-of-the-art equipment and technology, allowing us to diagnose and treat dental emergencies swiftly and accurately. From digital X-rays to advanced anesthesia techniques, we leverage the latest tools and techniques to ensure that our patients receive the highest standard of care during their visit.

Compassionate Care: We understand that dental emergencies can be stressful and frightening experiences. That's why our team at King Street Dental is committed to providing compassionate care to every patient who walks through our doors. From the moment you arrive at our clinic, you'll be greeted with warmth and empathy, helping to put your mind at ease as we work to alleviate your pain and address your dental concerns.

Convenience and Accessibility: Dental emergencies don't adhere to a 9-to-5 schedule, which is why King Street Dental offers extended hours and weekend appointments to accommodate your needs. Whether you're dealing with a toothache in the middle of the night or a knocked-out tooth on a Sunday morning, you can count on us to be there for you when you need us most. Additionally, our clinic is conveniently located in the heart of the city, making it easy for patients to access emergency dental care without delay.

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Conclusion: When dental emergencies strike, you need a trusted partner who can provide prompt, expert care with compassion and professionalism. That's exactly what you'll find at King Street Dental. With our experienced team, state-of-the-art facilities, and commitment to patient satisfaction, we're your go-to clinic for emergency dental care in [Location]. Don't let a dental emergency disrupt your life – contact King Street Dental today and experience the difference for yourself!

[pacificworldschoolnoida]

From Procrastination to Productivity: Strategies for Students

What is procrastination? It is not the same as being lazy. Procrastination refers to putting off tough or unpleasant activities. So, why do students procrastinate? Usually because they find some jobs difficult, dull, or unpleasant. Most college students don't put off doing the things they want to do.

The fact that procrastinators get worse grades is not surprising. But in addition to all of the bad consequences that come with stress, they also feel more of it. In the end, putting things off is a decision. It entails making the decision to put off work even when you know it's not a good idea.

Causes of Procrastination among Students

Procrastination is a prevalent issue among students which happen when they put off doing important tasks, such as studying or completing their assignments. It has an impact on learners of all skill levels and can lead to major problems like poor academic performance. Some typical reasons for procrastinating are mentioned below.

Overwhelm-Sometimes tasks can feel daunting, especially if they're big or complex. It's natural to want to avoid them and put them off for later.

Lack of motivation- If we're not excited or passionate about a task, it can be hard to find the motivation to get started. We might find ourselves easily distracted by other things that seem more enjoyable.

Fear of failure- Procrastination can also be a result of the fear of not meeting our own expectations or the fear of making mistakes. We might delay starting a task because we're worried about not doing it perfectly.

How to Overcome Procrastination for Students?

In today's fast-paced world, students often find themselves struggling with procrastination. However, with the right strategies, it's possible to break free from this habit and become more productive. Mentioned below are some effective techniques that help in boosting productivity as a student.

Time Management- One of the key factors in overcoming procrastination is effective time management. Students can start by creating a schedule or using a planner to prioritize their tasks. Breaking down larger projects into smaller, manageable chunks can also make them less overwhelming.

Setting Goals- Setting clear and specific goals can provide students with a sense of direction and motivation. By setting both short-term and long-term goals, students can track their progress and stay focused on their objectives.

Creating a Productive Environment- A clutter-free and organized workspace can greatly enhance productivity. Removing distractions such as smartphones and social media notifications can help students stay focused on their tasks. Additionally, finding a quiet and comfortable space can contribute to a more conducive learning environment.

Procrastination can be a tough habit to break, but with the right strategies, students can transition to a more productive mind-set. By implementing techniques such as effective time management, goal setting, creating a productive environment, utilizing technology wisely, breaking tasks into smaller steps, and seeking accountability, students can overcome procrastination and achieve their academic goals.

The best leading school in Greater Noida West, Pacific World School offers top-notch education, the best faculty, and world-class infrastructure with an aim to prepare students to be more diligent and mindful, hence overcoming procrastination and being more productive.

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Revitalize, Renew, Reclaim With Our Expert Water Damage Restoration Rockingham By Perth Flood Restoration

Rockingham residents frequently encounter water damage, whether it's due to unexpected events, burst pipes, or leaky roofs. This issue can lead to serious consequences if not addressed promptly and efficiently. That's where Perth Flood Restoration comes in.

Our team is equipped with extensive knowledge and state-of-the-art equipment necessary for swift and effective water damage restoration Rockingham. We prioritize speed in minimizing harm and preventing mould growth after any water damage incident occurs. Our emergency services are available round-the-clock for your convenience and peace of mind during unexpected situations.

In order to prevent further harm and prevent the growth of mould and bacteria, it is crucial to act quickly in the event of flooding. Perth Flood Restoration recognizes this importance and provides emergency services available 24/7 to be there for you when you need us most. We utilize advanced tools and techniques to assess the damage and initiate the restoration process immediately.

Our awesome team will work together with your insurance company to make sure that everything goes super smoothly when it comes to your claims. We totally get how frustrating it can be to deal with insurance stuff, so we're here to take that stress off your shoulders. No worries, we've got your back!

Water damage is an urgent matter that demands prompt action to minimize disruption. Perth Flood Restoration recognizes the urgency of the situation and responds with lightning-fast reaction times.

Don't delay, as water damage requires immediate attention. Our emergency services are available around the clock to address flood harm, no matter the time of day or night. We understand the importance of restoring your property to its pre-damaged state as quickly as possible, and we're committed to working with you to achieve that goal. Trust us to provide swift and effective solutions for your water damage emergencies.

Advanced Tools

Perth Flood Restoration has super cool tools and tricks up its sleeve to make sure your place gets fixed up fast and awesome! We always stay ahead of the game by using the latest and greatest technology. Our gear is always getting upgraded and taken care of, so you know we're on top of our game!

Can I Restore Water Damage Myself?

Fixing water harm is a really complicated job that needs experts who know what they're doing. You got to make sure you hire a good company that knows how to do the job right.

How To Prevent Flood Harm In The Future?

Make sure your gutters and downspouts are clean and free of junk. This will stop water from overflowing and causing damage to your stuff. Put special gadgets in places that might get flooded to detect any moisture. If there's a leak or flooding, these gadgets will let you know.

If you're having any water problems, contact us right away. We're available all the time for emergencies and we'll call you back fast. Our team at Perth Flood Restoration will check out the harm, make a plan to fix it, and work with you every step of the way to make sure everything gets back to normal.

                                     Get Swift Solutions, Lasting Relief! Avail yourself of our exceptional water damage restoration Rockingham – Contact us for immediate restoration and safeguard your home. Your trusted partner in recovery is just a call away – Act now, restore today!

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[gaylienz]

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20220614-the-crusade-for-darker-night-skies

Founded in Arizona in 1988, the IDA was set up by two astronomers to protect night environments from skyglow – excessive, artificial light directed upwards into the sky.

Globally, light pollution has increased by at least 49% over 25 years. Amidst mounting concern from ecologists and astronomers in the 1980s, the IDA was the first recognised authority in the dark sky movement, and remains the largest today.

Since granting Flagstaff, Arizona, the prestigious title of the very first International Dark Sky Place in 2001, the body has supported applications in 49 countries, from Japan to Hungary. It now counts more than 190 sites in its dark sky program, protecting over 110,000sq km (42,471sq miles) of dark places around the globe, including dark sky reserves, communities, islands and sanctuaries.

The status is seen as a seal of approval which can be used by communities as a basis for further conservation, tourism, education or marketing campaigns. And as the benefits of dark skies, including to human health, wildlife and the environment, become better documented, many rural areas are now seeking IDA recognition. The UK currently has the highest concentration of dark sky areas in the world, triggering a "domino effect" as communities race to conserve the darkness.

LED lighting – despite its reputation for energy efficiency – often contains high proportions of blue light in its spectrum, which creates a harsh glare. Simply replacing bulbs with narrow-spectrum or low-colour temperature alternatives, can minimise harmful light. Kelvin (K), is the scale used to judge colour temperature, and typically ranges from 2700-5000K. The gold standard is to install lighting with a colour temperature no higher than 3,000K, in keeping with the IDA's lighting recommendations.

"A very simple way for people to get involved is to look up at the night sky and count the number of stars they can see in the Orion constellation," says Emma Marrington, CPRE's dark sky campaigner. "That can help build up a picture of what the nation's views are from the ground."

If you see 10 stars or fewer in one constellation, you are likely in an area with severe light pollution, notes Marrington. "But if you've got more than 30 stars, then you've got a truly dark sky."

Members of the public submit their results via the charity's website. The results of the 2021 Star Count showed severe light pollution had decreased in the UK by around 10% from the year before. One reason to explain this shift is the "lockdown effect", as human activity dwindled during the Covid-19 pandemic, especially in urban areas.

Research has shown that exposure to artificial light at night (Alan) may cause negative health effects. Our circadian rhythm is at the root of this, acting as part of the body’s internal clock, which is necessary for functions such as our sleep-wake cycle. This is mediated by melatonin, often referred to as the sleep hormone. One 2018 study of older adults found that increasing levels of outdoor nocturnal lighting increased their self-administration of hypnotic drugs.

Light of any kind can suppress the secretion of melatonin, but blue light at night does so more harmfully.

"The biological clock is more sensitive to blue light than longer wavelength light, or warmer colours," says Derk-Jan Dijk, professor of sleep and physiology at the University of Surrey.

In recent years, the blue light content of 'artificial' light has increased, he notes. Exposure to light during the day is not detrimental, but Alan can have adverse consequences.

"If we're exposed to too much light in the evening, our biological clock will delay," Dijk says. "When it's 11pm our biological clock thinks it's only 10pm, but we might not be sleepy yet, so we go to sleep late."

The next morning, however, we still have to be awake bright and early to make it to the office or school on time. This can create a cycle of sleep deprivation, disrupting an internal clock that's been ticking away for millennia.

A 2017 study found a correlation between exposure to light at night and depressive symptoms. A chronic lack of sleep can even influence how cells form and function. New evidence has linked exposure to too much light at night to coronary heart disease, diabetes and certain cancers, especially breast, lung, colorectal and prostate cancers.

Animals can also feel the ramifications of artificial light at night. "In many cases, the consequence of the exposure to artificial light can be as severe as death," says Marco Barbieri, the scientific advisor at the Convention on Migratory Species.

Take insects, which are in rapid decline around the world. Habitat loss, pesticide use, invasive species and climate change are all key drivers, but research has also suggested that artificial light is another, often overlooked, factor of the insect apocalypse, affecting aspects of insect development, foraging reproduction and even predation. The same goes for some sea creatures, with one study finding light pollution reduces the nesting success of loggerhead turtles by 20%.

One of the greatest victims is the bird population. Migrating birds can be attracted to lights when flying at lower altitudes, and may become disoriented and end up circling in an illuminated area. "This unnatural light-induced behaviour can mean they end up depleting their energy reserves and puts them at risk of exhaustion, predation and lethal collision," says Barbieri.

Up to a billion birds are thought to die from building collisions each year in the US, and bright lights play a hand in this. Light pollution can also impact bird migration patterns, leading them to miss optimal climate conditions for foraging and nesting.

Elsewhere in the world, strides are being taken to protect wildlife at night. In the Netherlands, LED street light schemes in towns and cities are supporting rare bats species, while France has adopted one of the most progressive light pollution policies to date. Enshrined in the 2018 law are technical requirements for the design and operation of outdoor lighting installations used in both public and private property.

"When we gaze up into a non-light polluted sky we observe the same cosmos our ancestors would have looked upon. This allows us to reach back in time and gain an understanding of their relationship with the night sky," she says.

Kennett believes that failing to protect these dark, yet illuminating, skies means losing the opportunity to understand this deep-rooted relationship, as well as to look up in wonder at ourselves.

"We'll be taking this away from future generations, as these ancient dark sky spaces are eroded."

[ambulanceperson]

Long but worth the read. From SARmed on Facebook:

The Trauma Blanket.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same.

It's an old saying that holds a lot of weight in every aspect of life. It holds particular weight when it comes to trauma management.

A lot of things have changed since I first took a first aid course. A lot of things. But when you boil it all down to what works, a lot of things have also stayed the same, except for us. How many of us have taken the best of what we learned back then and incorporated it in our every day practice?

Be honest with yourself.

I remember one of the most important things in every first aid kit used to be a blanket to keep the patient warm. Eventually as I got more education and increased my scope of practice, those blankets became something very different in most of our eyes.

In fact with many of us, those blankets became a little bit of a joke. A sign of the limitations of those with a more limited scope of practice.

But the irony is, those trauma blankets should actually signify many of the things you should be doing in your practice to manage the critically injured patients. Every patient really.

These days we can use vacuum spine boards, pelvic binders, IV's, TXA, chest decompression, intubation, surgical airways, meds... the list goes on.

But if we're not managing hypothermia well.....well, there's a reason they call it the Trauma Triad of Death(every time I say that I hear "DUN DUN DUN").

Coagulopathy, acidosis, and hypothermia. Intertwined and each potentially deadly on their own. But combined together in a case of trauma, they're lethal.

The Trauma Triad of Death is a leading cause of death in trauma. And we're terrible at treating it.

I'll take you back a bunch of years to a shooting.

25 year old male, multiple GSW's to the chest from a long rifle. If I remember correctly he had 7 entry wounds and 6 exits. He was alive and panicked. He knew what was coming but we gave him everything we could. For better or for worse.

It was dark, raining, and barely above freezing. We cut his clothes off to assess his injuries, applied dressings to the entry and exit wounds, slid a board under him and moved. In transport, we kept him supine and kept him stripped to reassess the wounds, decompressed both sides of his chest, started a couple of 14g IV's and ran normal saline wide open. Then we followed up with morphine to control his obvious pain.

When he arrested, we rushed to start CPR and intubate him. But he didn't survive the trip to the hospital. His wounds were too severe.

But did we really give him everything we could? In hindsight, maybe not. We gave him the best of what we thought we knew at the time, but if I were to do that call again today, man, I would sure do things differently.

Let's take a look at everything we did for him back then and think about what we know now.

We stripped him down in a cold, wet environment to assess his injuries. Put him on a cold board, decompressed both sides of his chest and then started big IV's and bolused him with saline. Then we followed it up with good old Morphine.

The classic trauma strip is a double edged sword. Let's face it, we've discovered a huge amount of injuries that would have been missed without a trauma strip. But is it best practise to leave the patient stripped, uninsulated and cold? Radiation and convection (lets be honest we probably turned the air conditioning on in the ambulance because we were working hard) are both at play now, further cooling this patient and making sure the trauma triad has a better chance to work.

Your interventions these days should include updated hemorrhage control techniques, especially for extremity hemorrhage. If direct pressure doesn’t control the hemorrhage, go straight to tourniquets. The sooner the better. Early tourniquet application saves lives. Late application is a missed opportunity to intervene and perhaps save a life. High and tight are the general rules, but lets just make it “high, tight and early”.

Wound packing and hemostatic agents absolutely have earned their place too. Don’t be afraid to control hemorrhage aggressively. If you’re loading into a helicopter, or any transport modality that causes vibration, you need to step up your hemorrhage control to the next level or you’ll find your patient bleeding out. Vibration further inhibits the clotting cascade and will increase hemorrhage.

That cold board falls into the triad also. The spine board or clamshell has been stored in an unheated compartment and now it's pretty much a superconductor, stealing heat away from the patients core to ensure that the board warms up instead of the patient.

Next is our aggressive IV therapy. Two large bore IV's and crack em wide open! Well, I still like the large bore IV's (thanks to Freddy Siegers), but now, I'm sure careful with my "fluid resuscitation".

If you look at the IV fluid warmer in a hospital, you'll notice that the temp is between 38-42c. It's that temp for a reason. Bluntly put, if your IV fluid temps aren't maintained at those temps, you are making your patient hypothermic. Let me say that again. You are making the patient hypothermic.

Average IV fluid temps in an ambulance sit between 17-20c... Let that sink in for a bit. Less than half the correct temperature for safe fluid administration.

And don't get me started about failing clotting factors secondary to hypothermia, interruption of clotting factors secondary to fluid boluses, and hemodilution.

Then morphine comes up. Morphine does a few things. One good, a couple bad.

Pain control is actually extremely important to my practice. The saying "nobody ever died from pain" is a brutal, terrible phrase.

Shred the mountain doctor sure drilled it into me that treating pain should be part of our practice and it's stuck with me. Thanks Shred. You made me a better practitioner, and a better person.

I'd want some pain control if it were me. I can tough it up with the best of them, but please treat my pain. There's enough literature out there showing that pain control reduces PTSD that it's prudent to still treat a patients pain.

But know your pharmacology inside and out. One of the quirks about morphine is the effect it has on the patients ability to shiver. Adminster morphine for pain control and you will inhibit the patients ability to increase their body temperature with shivering. And if you're administering entonox.... cold gas....cold gas=cold patient....

It will also blunt sympathetic tone, thereby reducing the ability to maintain blood pressure through an increased heart rate. This will exacerbate hypotension and further complicate the course of treatment.

If you have other pharmacological choices, maybe morphine isn’t the best option anymore....

Let's fast forward to today. What would I do differently?

First off the trauma strip is now focused. Get the critical interventions done as fast as possible, get into a microclimate (bothy bag)or the back of the ambulance and then finish the trauma strip in a warm environment, then cover them back up as soon as possible.

If you have a heating device, or ReadyHeat blankets or vests, using them can mean the difference between life and death. Warm the core, front AND back. Forget the groin and focus on the fastest path to the core organs. Warming the back is absolutely the fastest approach to warming the core.

If you're using a board, clamshell or scoop still, get them off it as soon as possible and get them on a stretcher mattress (depending on your treatment guidelines). I'm a big vacuum spine board guy and it's clear that the proper use of a blanket and VSB will increase patient temps, but if I'm working for an employer that doesn't use VSB, I'll store the board or clamshell in as warm a place as possible to limit conductive heat loss.

If you're in an austere setting and don't have a VSB, board or stretcher, get the patient off the ground and onto an insulating layer like a foam pad or thermarest.

Bind pelvises prophylactically if there is mechanism to suggest a pelvic injury. Don't make your decision based on palpation. You could iatrogenically worsen pelvic hemorrhage. Bind the pelvis based on mechanism.

I'll still start large bore IV's but I'll definitely limit fluid resuscitation. Especially in freezing environments. The risks far outweigh the benefits. Far outweigh. Titrate fluid resuscitation to achieve a palpable radial pulse as per permissive hypotension guidelines.

And be early and aggressive with TXA . For every 15 minutes you delay TXA administration, efficacy drops by 10%. We all know you need to administer it within 3 hours of injury, but how many of us are aware of that time related drop in efficacy? Get on it and get on it early.

Pain meds? Oh I'll still give them. Without a doubt I'll still treat a patients pain. We're supposed to be in the business of treating patients and making them feel better. But I'll be mindful of not blunting sympathetic tone, and I'll up my hypothermia management game.

At the end of the day, aside from transport to a surgeon (a diesel or Jet A bolus), perhaps the most important thing we can give a patient is the very thing we've joked about and looked down on all these years.

That Trauma Blanket....