#no Im not okay don't ask about it I am a little insane and attached to a ship that had no ending and still stuck to it

[rakkuntoast]

I love being a philever enjoyer cuz all I do is insane post for hours and be as delusional as forever

and I guess cope with the fact that the ship is dead (I will totally ignore this fact) and write angsty analysis that make no sense!

I know I said I enjoy their ship cuz it'll never come true but it's only funny when it was actually alive, cmon 😭

[fappellmoan]

ok um i am going to vent on something as someone with an outside perspective and people are going to be normal about that right. okay lol. im sick of hearing about taylor swift <3 as compared to a few years ago even she is like... suffocating. and i feel like we never advance this conversation because on one hand we have people who swing into full misogyny when talking about her, and on the other we have people who won't admit that she blatantly uses feminism to deflect from her problematic behaviors, or at least they won't like, do anything about it, and in this way she sort of ends up misleading a lot of young girls into like. girlboss liberal white feminism. im not saying shes a supervillain for it but you can't deny the ramifications of what she does and doesn't speak up about, just given the absolutely massive platform she has. she is the biggest pop star in the world

for the record, i don't expect taylor to be like. a normal person. she was very famous from a very young age and people aren't normal about teen/adolescent stars, especially when they're girls and women. she had her personal drama aired out in front of the world, had so much misogynistic dialogue surrounding her, from demeaning her success to interrogating her dating life (and never holding the pedos who preyed on her at a young age to any sort of standard!) and for many years people weren't very critical of that. it was normalized to be trashing this young girl's name and saying vile shit about her to like the entire nation and i dont blame her for being like, a little off after that. and yeah i also don’t think we should look to celebrities as our end all be all of activism and opinions on sociopolitical issues

but we've gone full swing into like. she is so famous and so big that her actions can be harmful and she does these things anyway because she doesn't expect her fanbase to hold her accountable, lest they be acting like the very sexists who tried to ruin her career. at least i imagine that's what the thought process is like, at least at some level, but at this point it's just like. this woman makes so much money. so much money it's ridiculous. idk how y'all fathomed paying so much for concert tickets but like i'll give props that they at least seemed to have some insane production/theatrics... so like alright. there's that.

but she is reselling the same songs. sometimes that don't sound that good. and making more money off that. yes yes to 'officially own them' and whatever. and releasing vault tracks and other versions of albums with different songs on them. but never all the same bc u need to collect them all. and the thing is some of them are like kinda bad. but you listen to them anyway because we live in a time of overconsumption/consumerism in late capitalism and it's like trendy and fun to be able to tell what song of hers is playing in the first millisecond. sorry or just your personal attachment to her. and don't say it's embarrassing to be a taylor swift fan these days she's like. so huge. and some of you equate embarrassment with having to hear criticism toward her. which might not be as common if swifties idk stepped it up and actually expected something from her?

which i guess is getting me to my main point here. can you imagine like. what would happen if taylor swift actually said anything about palestine? or anything of value in the world right now? no one's asking her to be a fucking scholar on it but genuinely sorry there’s like a genocide. several. the most documented real time genocide of our time i don’t care if it makes you upset that people expect something from her. she is time's person of the year. she has everyone from young girls to lesbians to gay men to bored football wives to dads to well fucking etc you get the point tuned in. she has dabbled in so many different spaces done so many collaborations aligned herself with so many entities who can keep up? if she, as massive as she is right now, posted something as simple as 'free palestine' or called for a ceasefire, can you imagine what would happen? i can’t help but think about it when day in and day out my feed is filled with screaming people being pulled from rubble or having their limbs amputated.

but she won't, because, quite frankly, what does she have to gain from it? she’s teaming up with the nfl right now to make some more money, she's gotta have at least like 4 new albums recorded in the last two years and at least um what three more that you're expecting? and she doesn't even have to like? write new music really? (edit: oh boy!) why the fuck would she be doing anything with her time other than poisoning the planet with jet fuel to visit her pr boyfriend?

taylor swift is never gonna be punk or what the hell ever beyond like a white liberal-at-best moderate woman. but if any of you could talk to each other and talk about, like, organizing in ways that it would be impossible for her to continue to ignore these situations, and just keep playing her tour FILM (how could i forget) in israel and etc, like if you could flood her socials or do a mass movement (and it would be massive given the sheer amount of peoples' top artists she's in) of not listening/buying/interacting with her stuff, until her agents and whatever had to make some sort of statement? like that's the only chance we've got with her

i'm not saying don’t be her fan, or listen to her music, or have an attachment, etc, but she's been around enough vile, anti-feminist, racist things this past year that y'all DO need to hold her accountable. like way more than you do. or it's going to be like really difficult to. tolerate it. haha. like you SHOULD be vocally and loudly disapproving of her actions when it causes a lot of damage overall. speaking up about her insane climate irresponsibility when we're having the hottest years on record is not the same as the people who felt the need to like pick apart her dating life on the news. but can we talk about how she's officially like. circled back and now is purposefully making news about her dating life? for her personal gain and that of the fucking nfl? lol. in a way it is funny for her to ‘take that power back’ in a way, of her image, and i think that’s how some people might view it, but like on the other hand she obviously is gaining a lot from this. you know. a lot of actual money. she is going to profit off this image of her being misunderstood etc for as long as u guys allow it and well i just think that has run its course. yk

continuing into 2024 (edit: and now with the release of a new album!) i don't want to see swifties automatically exonerating themselves from difficult conversations because like they feel like their fave has faced enough unwarranted criticism. or bc other people should also be criticized. much of it is warranted! and you guys need to grow up and be able to talk about it and stop painting taylor swift's face as like the Pinnacle of feminism. she doesn't and shouldn't have to be, and she isn't, and she should in fact be held accountable when she does really fucking shitty things on account of they're shitty! i don't care that she's a woman! it's like that meme of oh yay a woman democrat sent these missiles. oh yay a woman is massively damaging the planet and proudly dated a violent misogynistic racist, and faced minimum criticism for these things over and over because your only comeback is ‘well what about’ if a man did the same thing, etc, you refuse to just look at the situation we do have. yes we should. we should do that we should hold men accountable but you can also like not accept awful fucking behavior from your faves when you have a chance. do you think that’s helping feminism genuinely. use your voice use your power (your money) to like. do something for once. i cannot keep living in the taylor swift echo chamber.

and for the record. i like enjoyed taylor like back when i was a young girl and she had a few songs on the radio, and i honestly even had a moment where i used guys' opinions on her as a first step to navigate who i felt safe around in a very hypermasculine sexist college space. because yes. some people do need feminism 101 and some people's genuinely misogynistic rage will be demonstrated in their hatred of taylor and her success. but at some point we gotta move on from that. if some people will look at the most powerful woman in the world, who has enough money to stay away from them and an extremely massive loyal fanbase watching and supporting her every move - if some men take out their hatred on her, a powerful white woman, how do you think they view and treat women who are not white, thin, "conventionally"/eurocentrically attractive, or accessible to cis/het audiences?

anyway i hope that i can bring a conversation to the swiftieverse cause i honestly believe u guys could have comparable impact to like. bts stans. maybe. if you put your minds together for a good cause. and we don’t have to do the oppression olympics or whataboutisms or WHATEVER for forever. can we please move the conversation forward does anyone else feel insane with like where we’re at

on that note, i really do think now is the perfect moment for you to disrupt shit with your voices and demand better from her. it might not save the world, but it could make a huge difference in changing peoples' minds

okay um. thanks 👍

tldr i can’t do another year of swiftie discourse i just can’t please if there is a god out there help us

[crystallizsch]

Hello! I really like your art and comics with Jamil and your OC. It looks very cute!

I just want your thoughts on this as a Jamil lover. I really like Jamil but Idk why??? I like him so much that I cry whenever I don't get his card or daily greetings at login. He's not usually my type like Izuku or Tanjiro. Just want to know your thoughts since you like Jamil hehe. It's ok if you don't respond!

AAH THANK YOU SO MUCH it means a lot to hear you like them i really appreciate it!! 💖💕💖💕💖

ANYWAYS as a jamil enthusiast i ask myself that question too 🤠;;

dont know what kinda hypnotizing magic he did on me but it worked bc i was incredibly neutral about jamil when i first saw him and now he lives in my head rent-free

okay in all seriousness i ended up rambling about jamil and why i like him personally and it ended up longer than intended so uh proceed with caution under the cut 🧍

(i had to look up the characters you mentioned,,, i know both of the anime but BARELY know the characters so idk how to compare other than they seem to be the benevolent hero/protagonist type???) (so on that note theyre actual opposites??? of jamil 😭)

okay so for me i personally just find jamil’s character really fascinating (and relatable???)

like his character arc drew me in i think, i legit do not recall 100% how i started liking him bc he was NOT my usual type either

i saw him before book 4 and went “okay” 🤷 and moved on 😭

my usual type is kalim actually (the sunshine type with a depressing reason for being all sunshine-y lmao) but. i did not vibe at first with how kalim looks so i didnt really get attached to him either 🤧 (im absolutely fine with him now tho 😭 ive learned to appreciate him more thanks to other kalim enjoyers)

(and tbf a lot of twst characters i didnt think i would like but here we are)

back to jamil. alright maybe it’s his looks. maybe bc he’s a pretty guy idk. but if that’s the case i wouldve been all over vil bc he’s the definition of beautiful gorgeous guy who doesnt fw with gender norms but im NOT. instead it’s JAMIL.

i think it doesn’t help that aladdin is one of my favorite disney movies too 😭 jafar has that two-faced, manipulative disposition with a side of dramatic, and insane and that’s. actually just jamil.

so maybe i guess what drew me in with jamil is that sense of theatrics, the dramatics ;;; that dichotomy of having that level-headed, intelligent front he puts up but then also having this unhinged, unfiltered side that he shows when he is free to be more himself

i’m a sucker for seemingly calm and collected characters on the outside and then their true self being WAY more different and expressive

(i think this would make more sense if you’ve seen aladdin and if you remember how jafar is like in the movie) (i am also choosing to ignore that ONE scene with jafar and jasmine towards the end iykyk) (and the twst characters shouldnt be considered one-to-one with their disney counterparts anyway but i digress)

also scalding sands event my beloved it might be what actually sold me on him bc things like his little sister reveal and his childhood stories wrecked me

(also also i’m obsessed with his canon dynamic with kalim but that’s another thing altogether)

or maybe it’s not that deep and that i just grew attached for no particular reason 🧍 (and that reasoning in of itself should be completely fine as well if that’s your case! just. like who you like, there really doesnt have to be a reason as long as you enjoy them)

uhhhh in conclusion,,, jamil’s a really complex character tbh i could say so much more about his relatability but i feel like im already exposing myself a lot LMAO and i dont think i can properly articulate with words anyway how deeper his character is beyond my surface level thoughts

[nightwatch-ithaqua]

oh, our discord is raihansofficialboywife if thats .. reassuring (?) for you. .. dont say anything about the username, i know its silly but its personal for us so just dont question it lmao . again i dont really have any interest in moving this over there but im.. sure youre well aware of that by now hm?

we have the inner voice thing, kind of. im not really sure if thats actually even what it really is, but we can talk to each other without saying anything outloud, headspace or otherwise. ("i think thats just telepathy" - luca .. true, but still lol..) admittedly sometimes i miss my old bodies, but i think the one i have now is pretty nice. i dont really have a solid form, i kind of change tiny things about my appearance constantly even when i dont mean to, but mostly i latch onto whatever im presenting as at the moment with my own things added, some of them are surprisingly consistent between forms, like my fucked up eye whcih is why i have the x as that eye in the little emoticon thingies (x_o <- those) .. i like having my own little typing related things that are specific to me because theyre tied to my personal appearance in headspace, its a nice special comfort. andrew does it too, he puts little bunny ears on the sides of all his kaomojis.

i could talk a lot about my headspace appearance, because i personally find it very interesting .. but i also am very much a narcissist (npd holder, along with.. just being incredibly self absorbed and otherwise narcissistic by definition even outside of the pd, hahah) so i personally find every little tidbit about myself to be utterly fascinating.

man thats fuckin awful, im sorry that shit happened to yall. like.. i cannot express enough how genuinely insane that is..? and excuse my language in referring to it.. just. lord. it still disturbs me to this day how malicious people can be for no real reason greater than for the sake of it. how i wish it was just humans but i suppose every being is unfortunately prone to that ill natured behaviour ..

thats a really crazy coincidence in all honesty лол. i forgot how exactly i started using it for myself, i think it started as an aesthetic thing to go along with an old layout of a blog i dont use anymore, and then i started using it as signoffs in asks and just.. got attached, and started using it for myself in general. we even use it for ourselves as a collective now, its been in our discord status and bio for like.. a month or two i think? maybe three. were really bad with time perception so i couldnt give a very good estimation if i tried.

🪷

No no it's okay, we don't need your discord but I am thankful you were at least open. While we are on discord far more frequently we should be talking where you're comfortable. Where both of us are comfortable.

And yes, I believe telepathy is very common in the headspace so I'm not too surprised it's not just us. It's funny too, because while we don't have a fucked up eye, we often feel like we do. It's so strange and I think almost like phantom feeling, like having a phantom limb except it's more of a phantom scar we can't explain. Of course we're not going to be dumb like those "trans-abled" people and fuck up our eye just because we think it would feel right, that's just stupid. (it's our left eye)

And yeah we know what you mean, having little things helps a lot. We have a hood with ears on it but it's got paws attached too. The ears are fixed upright but it's a black hood. Still, we love it and we're glad we have it.

We love our self absorbed alters /hj

No okay for some odd reason our brain tends to latch onto alters that tend to have more self-absorbed personalities. Does this go for all of our alters? of course not. But Edgar Valden, Bob Aken (Obake), Me and the multiple doubles we have of each. But then we also have our Andrew and Aesop doubles and they aren't self absorbed so much as they just prefer their space. It's so strange how our system works. Systems are fascinating tbh.

And yeah, it was just beyond fucked up. It was ridiculous and even when we tried to move someplace else they followed us over. It's just.. such drama. The idv fandom is really fucked up in general. Already a few servers we've come forward on have either been hostile towards us or have actually infantalized me. And I mean waving images of baby keys in my face level and "feeding me meat and rice."

Frankly our status will not hold that emoji forever. We actually.. have no clue why it's even still there lmao. We just put it there one day and never changed it. Time perception is hard fr.

[pancakehouse]

hello bab!! absolutely obsessed with this prompt game idea xx im giving you a choice between 12 and 19--take your pick xox

send me a richard siken line and i'll write a mini fic inspired by it

hi omg HELLO ridi!! isn't it insane! prob the worst idea anyone's ever had im so excited about it!!!!!

ahhh god okay i went with:

19. i take off my hands and i give them to you. (oh also, vaguely nsfw? like not at all but also sorta, to be safe!)

“Did you know I’m left-handed?” 

The question startles Remus. At first, he’s sure he’s misheard, muffled as the words are, spoken into the small dip of skin where his collarbone meets the bony juncture of his shoulder. It was never a spot Remus thought was particularly notable or interesting, at least not until the day Sirius Black decided to attach his lips there, and make it so. 

Remus' breath hitches. “Hm?” he murmurs. His hand tightens in Sirius’ hair, fingers scraping scalp, and he tugs lightly until Sirius lifts his head. “What?” 

Night sky leaks through the curtains, and Sirius’ eyes are shining, lips parted and cherry red. There’s always something that sits heavy in Remus’ stomach on the nights they do this, like holding your breath underwater, or the slow tick of a broken clock. Something that’s over, inevitably, just as soon as they're brave enough to admit it. 

“I said-” And Sirius is grinning, because surely he’s only thinking of the bulge in Remus’ trousers, and how they can be as loud as they want now, here, in their flat, and is not - like Remus - thinking of all the ways he’d break himself apart, limb from limb from limb, if it might drag this thing out a little bit longer. “I said…” Sirius leans in, presses a kiss under Remus’ jaw, “-did you know-” another kiss to his throat, one to his chest, “that I-” cold fingers, skirting under his waistband, “...am left handed.” Sirius finishes with a poke and a loud, wet smack just above his belly-button. He snickers into it, warm breath tickling the hairs there. 

“Yes, Pads,” Remus huffs, stomach trembling, his voice horribly shaky. “Seeing as I shared a dorm with you for seven years, and classes for just as long…yes, Sirius, I had noticed sometime in there that you were left-handed.” 

There’s a moment, still and quiet. The sheets are warm, and balmy summer air drifts through the open window. A bird perches on the sill, claws scratching into chipped white paint and grass that’s sprung up between the cracks. They look at each other - him and Sirius, not him and bird - and the heavy feeling in Remus’ stomach feels sort of nice. Like a weighted blanket.

Eventually, Sirius nods. Slowly. “Well, good,” he says. His mouth quirks in the corner. “Good, because I’ve noticed things about you, too.” 

Remus’ hands find themselves back in Sirius’ hair.

Have you? he wants to ask. What kinds of things?

And then: because there are so many things i’ve noticed about you. i noticed that you went for a run in the rain yesterday and your legs were hurting after and your hair looks lovely when it’s damp. and last week at the park your hands smelled like orange slices and sometimes you smile when i walk into the room and also sometimes you don’t. 

…have you noticed how i always smile? when i see you. but maybe it’s not obvious. maybe you don’t think it’s obvious, just like you don’t think i know you write with your left hand and have a scar across the middle knuckle from Prongs and maybe you don’t realise i kiss it every time i have the chance and maybe you don't notice how the smell of oranges in summer always makes me sneeze. have you noticed that? what else is there to see?

“Alright,” he says instead. Because it’s their flat and it’s his bedroom and Sirius’ knees are around his hips, and maybe he doesn’t feel like being brave enough to acknowledge anything else right now. 

“Alright?” Sirius laughs. “You’ll allow it?” 

“Sure.” Remus cups his cheek, grins slowly, hesitantly, into their next kiss. Do you feel this? he wants to ask. My hands, these hands, these lips…they’re all yours. Do you have any use for them? “Yeah, alright, I’ll allow it.”

[leafcabbage]

hi hello very cool tumblr user leafcabbage. i sent an ask a few days ago abt starting your fic i dont remember if i was on anon but if i was then thats me!

anyways bc i'm clinically insane i finished binge reading ycssgwtlfs this afternoon and haven't been able to stop thinking about it actually!! sometimes the it gets worse before it gets better trope isn't my cuppa but you definitely made it work so well if not for the SHEER amount of hurt no comfort liiiiikeeeee omg omg omg omg that series of chapters where ranboo was just slowly losing their grip was just so exhausting to read (shals pos so slash pos!! i mean that like it very deeply emotionally affected me!!) and i am so here for it because it made the comfort at the end so so worth it. very excited to continue w the next parts :D

i also loved the little moments scattered throughout. i want to see so much more of techno and wilbur's relationship because that is really fascinating to me. i could read a whole other fic about that actually they have a great dynamic also bc we saw both their biggest flaws come to the forefront when trying to help ranboo. its just interesting. and!!!!! woah?! whats up with big q and techno?!! intrigue moment!!!!

and even though dream was a piece of shit (btw you wrote the gaslighting SO WELL that is exactly what it feels like. i was genuinely nervous everytime i read his name because we don't know whether ranboo was gonna get manipulated until he started talking. i thought it was a great detail that dream's mood was always the first thing we learned in every scene's narration because ranboo had to walk on eggshells with him. GOOD SHIT!!!! GOOD SHIT!!!!!!!!!) i rlly hope he gets out of that clearly toxic family eventually. how dare you make me empathize with him >:[

and purpled my beloved...... idk i just liked his and ranboo's dynamic. it was cute and i really liked seeing him and punz at the end. he is in the bathroom a lot. hope the guy is doin okay. i took that uquiz you made bfore i started reading the fic and i got him, so i am just attached ig oopsies. also tubbo and tommy's roomie was such a good moment it was genuinely really wholesome and is like my new favorite long build up joke ever :D

(also ahhh sorry if its annoying that i'm sending this in ask form instead of just commenting, especially since its kinda long!!!!!! but my eyes hurt from staring at the ol screen, tumblr interface is just a lot less headachy lol, thanks for writing such a wonderful fic and i hope youre having an awesome day!)

ahh this made me so happy!!! dont worry about sending it in ask form, i love seeing the little blue dot that means i have an ask, its very exciting. this did genuinely jumpscare me (in a funny way), which sound so dumb but i open the ask box and saw a long ask and went "woah!!" and genuinely actually jumped. thought you might enjoy learning that.

long answer so

i really really work hard on making the hurt worth it for the comfort, and having enough time to have that comfort and recovery. i think it helps that im writing a full series so if something wasnt dealt with in ycssg, i have quite a few more fics to deal with it and create closure. but im glad it was worth it! and it got tiring for me writing those chapters to be honest, it draws out just a little long and that was on purpose. it doesnt end at the perfect time, like in an ideal world ranboo would have accepted help at thanksgiving and that would be the beginning of things getting better, but thats not how life works. ranboo did not willingly seek out help, and thats an important part of the story. they accepted help because they were convinced they were literally dying and didnt know what else to do. and then they were somewhat reliant on tommy and tubbo, and if that hadn't been the case things wouldn't have ended up where they were.

sorry im now just talking about my own fic, that was all to say thank you ajshdlfk

thank you with the relationship comment too! i really wanted to make it clear that everyone has a life outside of the bench trio too, so in my head they have semi fleshed out stories and lives. especially dream. theyre all real people (or as real as fake people can be) not just props

dream was such a complex character to write, and he continues to be, and i love writing him so fucking much. he's ranboo's antagonist but he isnt evil and inherently awful, he has his own life and his own problems (which doesnt make what he did to ranboo ok at all, but thats just to say that hes a person out side of it) and im glad the emotions in his scenes came through so clearly!

purpled has ibs thats canon and its because i have ibs and i thought it would be funny. love the guy, really. hes one of my favorite side characters. i love him and im glad you like him too he deserves to be liked. IM GLAD YOU LIKED THE ROOMIE i have this ongoing joke with myself that he was fridged but in like a moving out kind of way. he was uhauled. hes my favorite NPC <3

im glad you enjoyed ycssg so much!! and i hope you enjoy the next fics too!!! this ask made me smile very much so thank you for that!!

[firebuug]

OKAY SO FOR THE DETAILED OC ASK MEME, gimme 1, 4, 9, 12, 18, 21, 29 and 45 for Skuggy, Buggy, Dexter and Farrow! OR JUST PICK ONE OF THEM IM SO SORRY IM FERAL I JUST SEE FUNNY OC QUESTIONS AND GO "haha what if i just *sends literally all of them*" (Mari is also an option however ik you said she's not the most developed yet however she is pretty woman and i am... i am simping respectfully /lh)

THANKS FOR ENABLING ME THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUCKING LONG I CAN FEEL IT IM SORRY ill answer it to whomever i can think of most for ig. never apologize 4 enabling my rambles

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

FUN FACT buggy and skuggy's last name used to be scoville. initially i just picked it from my brain bc i thought it was cool, but THEN i realized that you measure spiciness using Scoville units and i went holy FUCK!!! BC perfect. anyways i changed it to scoven to match w my friend's oc bc we made them brothers (and i like it it looks nicer :3 also coven) but a scoville was fucking amazing pun for buggy. also buggy's name is in reference of his arsonist name Firebug, and skuggy is short for serial killer buggy lol

like caonically according 2 his backstory farrow's first name used to be his last name so that's why his name is all weird. however development-wise his last name also Used to be the last name of an escort throwaway character, but i switched their names around because i didn't really like how it sounded. his old last name used to be Retner before i changed it to Farrow! so theres an alternate universe where his first name is actually retner. fuckin insane. imagine that

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

ough. so i don't have mari's backstory at All so sowwy in advance. the other 4 however...

all of them dont have contact w their parents anymore but for roleswap i kinda? swapped buggy and skuggy's parents. buggy's dad was the kind loving on and his mom was the shitty overburdened one, while for skuggy it was the opposite! buggy's dad fostered his love for camping and being outside and Accidentally his love for fire, his mom kinda disowned him after he burned down their family home and led to the death of his dad. understandable! he grew up with his aunt or smtng instead who was like fuckin terrified of him LMAO. his nice memories are of camping w his dad and exploring the harbor when he was living w his aunt

skuggy on the other hand was closest 2 his mom who embraced his love 4 bugs even if they were scary 2 her. his dad was a former mafioso so he was cold n jaded and just wanted him 2 focus on survival and learning to defend himself bc they lived in a trial town. when his mom was poisoned n dieded his dad just shut down and went ok, parenting's over, your turn. so um. skuggy got the short end of the roleswap stick but did end up getting outta there as soon as he turned 18 and made a liddol life 4 himself. his nice memories r of hunting for bugs in the summer

farrow did Not ever know his mother other than from what little his dad told him about her but even then his dad was a single dad, very broke, working so so much at a soul draining office job and probably a second one on top of that and raising a kid he did Not ask for, so he did not spend a lot of time with him. this is probably why he is so fucked up bc once his dad got shot due to a mafia deal gone wrong, he had 2 live on his own in the city because he was terrified of being put in some stuffy orphanage or some shit. his nice memories (if he could remember them RIP) are of befriending possums in back alleys and eating lunch in the fields after baseball practice while his dad was still alive

idk dexters backstory at all and i dont want to make it as edgy as i made it when i was 13 but lord who knows what he did to his parents. i cant decide if he even had an attachment 2 his parents so like thats where we're at

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

animals can sense dexters fucked up vibes and do not like him. like at all LMAO

farrow is gentle when it comes 2 animals but still gets bitten and attacked by them u_u his pets love the shit out of him tho

buggy loves animals and grabs seagulls out of the air with his bare hands and they just sit there. i dont think animals hate or love him they just tolerate him

mari actually doesnt like butterflies or bugs that much but itd be funny if butterflies were drawn to her and shes like UGH god GO AWAY

12. What is their favourite food?

i dont know any yummy japanese cuisine so i cant answer but im guessing mari likes food from her home. bc girl me too. she also has a sweet tooth but not for chocolate just specifically sugary candy

skuggy's a soup fan and likes home-cooked meals. unfortunately he can't cook that good he just makes good soup and crock pot shit

buggys sweet tooth is so potent and he like chocolate the best

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else?

mari likes action, horror, and shitty romcoms i think. idk what else u_u buggy likes shit like animal crossing and thinks pokemon go is fun but also likes comedy and romance. he likes tv shows over movies and isnt THAT much of a pussy for horror movies especially after the whole juggy thing and will watch horror w his friends but does hate jumpscares KHJF

farrow likes loud trash garbage music and thinks reading is lame. he likes movies over tv shows because his attention span is garbage, he also likes video games like fuckin idk. call of duty. he has a nintendo switch bc mendel got it for him when he was fused because haha two people can play video games with themselves. idk what games he has. probably has a stolen xbox

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

skuggy and farrow both get angry very easily but farrow is easier to be verbally provoked to where he is biting and screaming than skuggy is kjfhd. skuggy gets irritated and annoyed easily and he is not afraid to yell at someone or shove them around but it will take more than it takes to get farrow to the same level yknow

mari doesnt really get pissed that much, like she is very loud spoken if you're being a dick or unfair but she isn't like. farrow level of getting pissed at ppl KJHFJKD. shes a bit impatient but isnt gonna go apeshit on u

buggy is so very patient. he will let u walk over him. he has a normal temper but if you walk over him too noticeably and he catches on to what you're doing he will chew you out

dexter gets irritated and angry as much as farrow does but he bottles it in and contains himself better than farrow does so he doesn't look fuckin insane and looks normal, but he does let it slip out in that scary angry way where if he's angry he will talk to u very calmly with a grin on his face that says "i am going to snap you in half once we get out of public eye mark my fucking words"

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective?

if you aren't skuggy's friend he will tease you. but if you're his friends he will make a mental note to not introduce that fear to u and 2 subtly keep u safe from it bc He Gets It. however if ur fear is bugs he will need more time to remember bc he automatically goes to his friend w his bugs and slips up sometimes. like OH FUCK i forgot you dont like bugs. sorry

buggy will do his absolute best to remember anyone's fears out of just Caring About Others. but if you're a bad guy or someone who's hurt someone he won't hesitate to suggest using your fears against you

oh farrow teases you even if you're his friend. but if he really actually does care about you he'll protect you. he might tease you but if its legitimately a trauma or some shit he will bite and maul and kill for you. just dont point it out he'll get embarrassed

dexter Will use it against you whether you're a friend or not. you're not immune

mari is a normal sane person. she'll tease you a little but she does remember and tries to keep u out of ur fear's way

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

idk how to answer this it is a hard question.....

i do know dexter sees himself as a perfectly normal composed little man whos doing so good at infiltrating the town and studying them. but to others he just looks fuckin insane

also farrow thinks he is sooo scary. and threatening. and fun and wacky and crazy silly fun. but again people just think he's insane and kinda weird and dirtygross

skuggy just thinks he's a dude. like he's just a guy he doesn't rlly matter that much. to others he is most likely not just a dude and at LEAST is a weird little dude. maybe a scary little dude. maybe a friend dude. depends who they r

mari likes 2 think she is nonthreatening and just a fun lil guy! but um. unfortunately people probably look at the 4 eyes and go ough.

THERE my essay is done holy shit this took so long hjhsjdf THANKS if u read this far idk what to say man thanks for listening to my rambles. giving u big hug

[awesamblr]

PART TWO OF GHOSTBUR!!! Since you seemed to like the first one! :D

They all pause for a moment to take in what they just heard.

Wilbur...? Doesn't remember them...?

Tommy is the first one to speak up, sounding more hurt and confused with just an edge of anger to the words. "We...We're your family, Wilbur!! Wil- ...Wil are you-" Tommy doesn't want to believe that Wilbur doesn't remember them, he doesn't want that... "Wil, you better not be fucking with us-" he starts again, sounding more angry, fresh tears beginning to fall. "Cause if you are, I swear to god-"

And he stops as he finds a hand on his shoulder. Tommy turns and finds Techno.

"Tommy...he doesn't remember us Tommy..."

Wilbur shifts around, floating around slightly and awkwardly. "Y-you all seem to care a whole lot..." his hand moves to his chest. "I can't remember how I died...I can hardly remember anything...I'm so sorry if you knew me well..."

Tommy gets angry again- calling it anger is a disservice to the emotional turmoil, he was upset and scared and happy and so so sad- and Techno gets ready to hold him back again when another voice interrupts them.

"Knew you...?" It was Phil... "Knew you??" He pulled up his hanging head and tears ran freely. "Hell, Wilbur- I RAISED YOU!! I know you better than I know myself!! Wilbur, don't you recognize me? Recognize us?" He takes a step toward Wil and so much pain and hurt reflects in Phil's eyes- it hurt to look at them. "Wilbur we're your family! Those are your brothers...!! And I'm-" he remembers the explosion, the pleading of his son- kill me, kill me, please kill me- and takes a shattered breath. "And I'm your father."

Wilbur looks around at the broken family.

A boy who looks as if he once held his entire world in his hands, only to have it melt through his fingers and spill to the floor.

A man who looks like chaos incarnate, now heavy with guilt and shame, a horrible tiredness running through him endlessly.

A boy who looks as though he'd been through hell and back with a smile on his face, still trying to be happy for others around him.

A man who looks as though he had the world. As though he had absolutely everything. And now his everything was gone.

And Wilbur speaks. "Was..." he gulps in a breath at the teary eyes, almost not wanting to know the answer to the question on his tongue. "Was I a good brother?"

Memories flood the minds of the family.

Tommy recalls times of when him and Wilbur would make huge pillow forts when they were younger and of how whenever Tommy was upset, Wil would come up behind him and lay himself over his shoulders in a lazy gesture- not quite a hug, but something that felt the same.

Tommy also remembered Wilbur, eyes alive with insanity and agressive cruelty. The Wilbur that would scream at Tommy and pound his fist against the wall and tell Tommy that he was hopeless.

Techno remembers times in his life where him and Wilbur would sneak out of the house together to go hunt mobs- Wilbur never really wanted to be there, but Techno would never have gone without him. He remembered how when Techno would lock himself in his room and quietly panic, only to hear the calm strummings of a guitar from the other side of the door until Techno calmed down.

Techno also remembered the Wilbur that wanted to blow up Manburg, that wanted Techno's help in it's destruction. The Wilbur that craved chaos and hurt and pain. The Wilbur he had helped to destroy good.

Tubbo recalls times after he was adopted into the family, times where he would struggle with reading and writing and Wilbur would silently walk over and help him. He remembers times when he feels lost and Wilbur would pass by him humming a tune Tubbo would recognize, and soon the two of them would be singing loudly in the livingroom and laugh when Phil came down and yelled at them.

Tubbo also remembered Wilbur, actions shaky and plagued as he spouted on and on about Manburg and L'manburg and would sing stuttering and manic lyrics to a half-finished song and scribling them to a wall of his insanity.

Phil remembered Wilbur, the moment he came into Phil's life, the moments that he would have to wrangle the pure-hearted chaos of the boy with eyes that sparkled with neverending wonder and curiosity and passion. He remembered moments when Wilbur would begin to cry or leave the house telling the others he was "going for a walk" when they all knew he would break down the moment the house left his sight- he remembered the way he once cried for an injured bird when Phil told him the animal wouldn't make it, and remembered the way that Phil wasted a health potion on the little bird that night, just to see him smile again.

And Phil remembered the Wilbur in the control room. His eyes, his voice, his actions- a shattered and twisted version of what Phil had known him to be. The way his voice cracked and the way his eyes were alive with pain and madness and the way he fell to his knees as the home he had built was blown to bits. Phil remembered the way that on his knees still, Wilbur grappled onto Phil's coat and begged him over and over to end him, so much pain and hurt and trapped craze in his voice it shattered Phil.

"Was I a good brother?"

They were silent.

And then a small word from a small boy- a boy now president of a ruined land. "You were the best big brother anyone could ask for, Wilbur." They looked to Tubbo, who hadn't spoken a word the entire time. His eyes still dripped tears, but he had the most wonderful smile on his face. "You were the coolest big brother in the world. Why do you think we're so happy to see you again?" He gave a wet laugh. "Hell, you were amazing! Did you know that you used to help me with my english homework cause I couldn't read? A-and you would sing songs with me when I was sad!! You were the kindest brother a man could ask for."

"For real, Big Man!!" It was Tommy's turn to speak as he tried fruitlessly to dry his eyes. "You don't remember, but you and me made the most massive forts and we would hide there for hours and scare Technoblade!" Tommy laughed fondly. "I remember one time Techno was carrying a stick and hit me on the head when i scared him. You sat down with me and told me that I was okay and that we were gonna whack Techno with a billion sticks when I felt better."

"You..." Techno was hesitant for only a fraction of a second. "You used to help me sneak out of the house and we'd do all sorts of crazy things. You always said you were watching after me to make sure i never got hurt." He gave an amused chuckle at the memories. "You would play guitar in the hallway when i was upset, no matter what time it was. You got in trouble a lot for that, but you never stopped."

"Wilbur..." They turned to Phil as he adressed his son. Phil remembered and remembered and couldn't stop remembering and everything he remembered was good and every single memory was filled with thoughts of Wilbur- that's my son!- even in his last moments, and even the moments after when Phil had known he was long gone but held him closely anyway, he remembered the way he felt. Wilbur had never stopped being his son, Phil had never once stopped loving him. "Are you proud of me, Phil?" And the blonde man let more tears roll down his cheeks.

Phil tugged the ghost man into his arms and held on as if he ever let go, Wilbur really would disappear and be gone forever. "I'm so proud of you, Wilbur..." He spoke into the ghostial yellow sweater his son wore. "You were and still are the best son a man could ask for...i know you forgot that. But you know now and that's all that matters. I'm sorry i wasn't a better father, but know that i am so proud of you...so so proud, Wilbur..."

And Wilbur hugs him back.

It's hesitant, but it's there.

And Phil's other sons will know that as Wilbur embraced his father, tears rolled down his face in an unstoppable flow of emotion that Wilbur himself didn't understand completely, but his brothers did.

Wilbur doesn't know why he was crying. He didn't remember these people. But their emotions and connections were so so strong he felt the hints of distant memories flood him.

Someone giggling as they stacked things together.

Someone singing loudly with him as they danced around a room.

Someone chatting and joking with him under the stars.

Someone there, always always there. They never left...and they loved him so much.

"So..." Wilbur tried to keep his voice even, but found he could not. "I was a good brother?"

He was flooded with more arms- the embrace of his siblings, all shouting and telling him he was wonderful.

Tubbo...he remembered the name and he felt emotions attached to the name and the face, but he couldn't remember why.

Tommy...he could recall emotions attached to that name and was flooded with involuntary emotions when he looked at his blue eyes.

Techno...he could recall the name like an old friend and knew immediately that he was a comrade- a friend- a brother? He knew that name but couldn't understand why.

And Phil...he knew Phil. The memories were so blocked and so fuzzy and he could only just make out a smiling face, but it was Phil. He didn't know why and he didn't know how but he loved that name.

He loved all their names, and was overcome with inexplicable emotions when he saw them.

"...Dad...?" Wilbur finally let the word fall from his lips.

Phil held him closer.

"You were the best son I could have ever asked for..."

(I can keep the story going if you want! I really like drabbling this it's so much fun lol! But for now this is a good stopping place cause the ask is hella long.)

MANNNN I AM IN L O V E. THE WAY YOU RIGHT IS SO NICE AND FLOWY AND IT ALL JUST WORKS SO OERFECTLY TOGETHER! AND THE PARALLELS??? MMMMMMM

PLEASE KEEP GOING IF YOU WANT IM BEGGING

[sohyuki]

kith for u too mint <333 !!! (/p)

AND YES OMG it's been AGESSS and im so happy ur online aHHH :DDDD

ALSO. YOUR LATEST FIC. can we Please talk abt it bc it deserves all the attention in the world and a million reblogs and likes and comments and just yes it is perfect and i will literally give a more detailed explanation on why i love it tmrw (its late and my brain is tired now HWJJDJA)

DOUBLE ALSO i just noticed that your header pic in your mobile theme is LITERALLY KAWORU AND SHINJI ⁉️ if it's not just ignore this but omfg what are your thoughts on evangelion ??? im so happy i finally know someone else who's watched it 😭

wait wait this ask is getting SO long but i have like a million things to tell u oml and we need to start talking more again so so sooooo i will most definitely dm u on discord tmrw when i can (if thats okay w you HWJJDKAJD)

tldr; i missed u tons & i love u mWAHHHH <3 a billion hugs for you hehe >:)

OMG OKAY QUILL I'VE BEEN WAITING THE ENTIRE DAY TO ANSWER THIS >:((( BUT WORK + I WANTED TO SIT DOWN AND WRITE MY REPLY PROPERLY SO HERE I AM NOW !!

JFHKJADHD :(((( thank you so, so much for liking my latest drabble *cries, sobs into pillow* your tags were so lovely i've read them like a dozen times now /srs and please don't worry about a detailed explanation (though that would literally give me a heart attack /pos) what you've said so far is just AAAA thank youuu :(( ilu

I'M GONNA PUT THE EVANGELION STUFF UNDER THE CUT

okay EVANGELION.

first off, YES MY HEADER IS SHINJI AND KAWORU!! i have a lot of Thoughts about evangelion but also nothing at the same time because sometimes i was like "what the fuck is going on, am i dumb or am i dumb" and sometimes i was like "i am god. i am a genius. my brain is working at 1000% i can see every equation." IT WAS A RIDE.

i honestly didn't understand episode 25 and 26 AT ALL. i had to search up an explanation for it because i was so confused and i did read that you would be confused with these eps specifically. and then i watched end of evangelion and it made a little more sense? it still goes over my head (because im dumb af) but i enjoyed evangelion a lot tbh!! also, the 90s anime retro aesthetic is like my soul so i was having a blast.

I ALSO THINK THAT ITS SO STINKY THAT THEY MADE KAWORU, THE PERFECT BOY, SHINJI'S BISEXUAL AWAKENING, AND THEN just,,,,killed him in the same episode. like that's insane. why would you do that. i wasn't attached to kaworu in his episode but it was like the side effects ?????? like it only hit me after he died that i liked him as a character sm (or this could just be the shinji kinnie in me screaming) >:( absolutely insane that they killed him

i liked misato and ritsuko a lot too!! i liked that evangelion didn't filter their creative vision. like they didn't shy away from a lot of mature themes and i enjoy shows that do that. i like it when they expose every facet of the characters, which is something you don't get a lot nowadays (the same goes for writing tbh) because everything is so rigid (imo) and that was also why i knew this was one of the reasons evangelion is a classic.

JADJSDJAHD OKAY THAT WAS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED. but yes!! omg if you are free, i would love to talk more on discord!! that is completely okay with me!! i didn't want to disturb you which is why i haven't messaged you in a while but i hope you're taking care of yourself >:(

tdlr; evangelion was a ride and i love you and miss you and mwah!! <333

[generalthirstclub]

I Don't Need Your Help (squip x reader; part 1 of ??)

yo yo yo hey so i finally gave into my desire to write a fic for the first time in fifteen million years and DAMN IT ALL TO HELL it’s about a FUCKING COMPUTER

kind of experimenting with 1st person a little?? idk if I feel like it’s a little choppy or something i might fix it later because im planning to have multiple parts to this so i have something to do while procrastinating on homework ew

also the reader’s gender isn’t mentioned in this part (i don’t think?? i kind of proofread this but it was at like 2 am so i don’t even trust myself) but im probably going to use female pronouns when I need to- i promise it’s not to offend anyone I just find it easier to write fics like this with a singular gender but i could try to change that if needed

last thing;; this fic kind of loosely follows the plot of BMC?? very very loosely,, like some dates might change or times or things, i don’t really know at this point but it might not even follow the story at all idk idk but still

here is an anon throwing their sin at the wall and hoping it sticks

have this you nasty computer fuckers

——————–

He had to be joking.

A pill? A pill that held a tiny computer- that attached itself to your brain for no other purpose than to ‘help you be cool’???. It sounded asinine. But maybe I could understand. Jeremy was desperate. I didn’t blame him. High school was a battlefield; intent on destroying all traces of individuality and creativity, burying unique personalities underneath avalanches of essays and book reports.

I voted against getting one, at first.

Jeremy had Michael, right? They’d known eachother for what seemed like ages, it didn’t make any sense for him to just- want something new. Michael and I both knew Christine was important to him, that he’d do anything to impress her or to get on her radar. We just…. didn’t expect something like this. Especially something as shady (and honestly terrifying) as a tiny computer that you literally swallowed and had it attach to your brain. It was ironic. Jeremy had told us he’d heard about it through Rich- the very bully that tormented him half the time.

Of course, I didn’t know Jeremy nearly as well as Michael did. I’d only met Jeremy freshman year- I’d known Michael since the beginning of middle school at least. So it wasn’t too much of a surprise when I heard he’d went out and paid the ridiculous fee for one of the wintergreen tic tacs, but that didn’t make me any less worried.

I didn’t hear much of it the first few days. I didn’t have any classes with either of them, and the only times we’d see eachother were after school, and of course- Michael had work, and Jeremy had to get back home to finish homework most of the time. We didn’t see eachother too often, but we did have a commitment to meet up at the same coffee house every Monday morning.

I knew something was up when Michael and I were the only two who showed up the Monday morning after Jeremy had bought the stupid pill.

Something had happened. I didn’t know what- we texted him nonstop and didn’t get anything. Not even an acknowledgement for our efforts. Whether or not I believed in the 'SQUIP’ at that point was debatable. It would be quite the coincidence if Jeremy had missed the bus that morning or overslept.

Both of us got rather worried.

Michael and I made a habit after that Monday of staying behind after school, purposefully lingering by the bus stop to see if we could catch a glimpse of our now oddly-distant friend. He must’ve been getting rides from an outside source, though- he never showed.

It was almost like he’d dropped off the face of the planet, and honestly? If I hadn’t known any better myself, I would’ve thought he had. But I had friends in some of his classes, and they said he showed up, but…..

It was like he had abandoned us.

I’m sure it didn’t hurt me nearly as much as it did Michael. But it still stung- it was evident that after the second missed Monday Coffee Meeting that it was intentional. It hurt me more to see the heartbreak in Michael’s eyes when he realized it for himself, and if anything? It made me angry. Angry that Jeremy would do that to Michael. I didn’t care if he had a stupid computer in his head, telling him what to do- it’s not like it was controlling him or anything. Him being friends with us had nothing to do with his popularity, or how 'cool’ or how 'chill’ he was. It had to be a conscious decision.

And that infuriated me.

I wanted to find him. Talk to him. But I had no idea where to go- he’d abandoned all the places he used to hang out, like the food court at the mall or the field behind the school. It was ridiculous. Like he knew we were upset, like he knew what he was doing to us and didn’t care enough to even talk to us anymore.

We’d lost our friend Jeremy.

It was funny how my thought process worked after my mind began to comprehend the fact that Jeremy had made the conscious decision to opt out of our friendship- of his friendship with Michael of all people, even. I was a naturally irritated person by nature, which was my own fault, but it wouldn’t have had to go to extremes if Jeremy had just stayed with us.

I wanted to get the pill.

Not because I wanted to be 'pretty’ or 'popular’. No, I wanted to prove to Jeremy that that tiny computer in his head didn’t do a thing to separate him from us. He was lying to himself, using the excuse of the SQUIP to tell people that he was the 'new Jeremy’, that he was 'better’ and 'stronger’ now. And I intended to put him in his place.

Maybe if he came to his senses, he’d realize what he’d done to us. To Michael, at least.

Michael was against my plan from the beginning, which was predictable enough in itself. It took me weeks to get the image of Michael’s terrifed face out of my mind, and even now it still haunts me sometimes. He was scared he’d lose another dear friend. He was scared he’d be all alone in this school of savages. In this war against the very same people who he grew up with, who now made fun of him, spat on him for being different.

It took me a while, but I was able to convince him.

I had no plan of abandoning Michael. No, if anything, I wanted to be closer to him while I tried to pull Jeremy back from that dark abyss called 'popularity’. And hell, if the pill made me go insane just like Jeremy, I’d rip it out of my skull with my own two hands.

It was two weeks after Jeremy got his SQUIP that I got mine.

It was pretty painful to hork up all the cash, seeing as the weird drug-dealer-ish guy at the register didn’t accept debit for 'the pill’. About two months’ worth of earnings slapped itself down on the desk as I quietly requested the same crazy contraption that had torn one of my closest friends away from people that he had used to consider family. It would’ve been the understatement of the year to say I was scared- but at the same time confident. Maybe the pill would help me out or something in convincing Jeremy to hang out with us again. Then again, maybe the pill was a sadistic killing machine that wanted to take over the world.

Haha. Just kidding.

Still, I had no idea what I was getting into, and the moment the man led me into the back room I felt chillbumps rise on my arms. So I was actually doing this. It was ludicrous. Absolutely ridiculous- but I knew I couldn’t turn back. My six hundred dollars were in the man’s back pocket, and in seconds, a tiny gray pill in a small plastic bag was placed in my hand and I was hurriedly shooed out the door.

I moved to the food court as my stomach churned in nervousness and anticipation, the sharpie on the bag instructing to take the pill with Mountain Dew. At least it wasn’t a bad soda, I reassured myself weakly as I slowly stumbled over to the drink machine and shoved a dirty dollar bill in the slot, punching in the code for the cold drink.

I felt dizzy walking back to my seat. My senses were heightened- the cold of the can numbed my fingers, shoving its way into my thoughts as I sat down. I waited a moment or two. It could be life-changing, my next decision. I hadn’t heard of any way to get rid of the SQUIP; or at least Jeremy hadn’t mentioned anything. I did suppose I could ask Rich, but it wasn’t exactly my favorite choice…..

It all began to move in slow motion the moment I decided.

I was in a rather empty part of the food court, as not many liked to linger when all the restaurants closed down after eight. I supposed that was good for me, seeing as I didn’t want to possibly be seen as a crazy person if anyone I knew suddenly saw me talking to myself or screaming at nothing. It was for the best, I said to myself.

A part of me wondered if Jeremy had hesitated too. Did he just take it the second he got it? Was he scared? Was he worried? Upset, even? Or maybe he was happy. Excited. Because he’d finally be away from us, he’d finally have the chance to snag the 'perfect girl’. The chance to be cool. The chance to make his life perfect.

Unfortunately, we did not fit into his perfect lifestyle.

I popped open the tab on the soda and took a deep breath, shaky hands fumbling with the opening to the plastic bag. Why was I so nervous? I had something to prove. I chose this of my own volition. If anything else happened I was sure to have a panic attack- maybe it was better to do this at home…

Then again, I already was waist deep in the water. It was best to just jump in while I was at it.

Two trembling fingers placed the small pill on the back of my tongue, the strong peppermint taste making me recoil for a moment before I took a swig of the carbonated drink. I squeezed my eyes shut as the disgusting feeling of the oblong object sliding down my throat gave me chills, waiting for the sensation to end. Soon enough, the feeling faded-

And nothing changed. At all.

I blinked my eyes open. Okay. So……. wasn’t I supposed to start hearing things or something? I called out in my mind hesitantly, feeling like a fool. Nothing. Silence. I frowned deeply and stood. All that was left of the pill was a distorted minty aftertaste in my mouth and nothing more.

This had to be a joke.

Abandoning my soda on the table, I marched to the restrooms. Just to make sure- I wanted to know of every possible change, every possible thing that could’ve happened to me. But the nagging feeling in the back of my head grew…..

What if there was no such thing as the SQUIP?

What if Jeremy had forked over his cash and- instead of being disappointed at the lie- took the opportunity to just totally abandon us? Did he even believe the lie in the first place?

Had we done something wrong? Had we offended him? Hurt him in some way?

What could I do to fix this?

My worries rang clear in my ears as I stared at myself in the crusty bathroom mirror, hands gripping the sides of the dirty sink tightly as I tried to control my breathing. I looked awful. It wasn’t even because of the pill, I knew that- my stressing would make me look beyond my years once I graduated, I was sure.

But the thing that unsettled me the most?

The fear in my eyes.

And just like that, everything was spinning- I heard myself gasp as I collapsed to the ground. Pain shot up my spine. Someone screamed- or was that me? I couldn’t tell. I prayed the bathroom was empty.

'Target male inaccessible.’

My eyes widened. No. No. This couldn’t- it wasn’t real-

'Please excuse some mild discomfort.’

The voice rang out in my ears once more and I felt my body jolt as another wave of pain flooded my body, a weak cry the only noise escaping my lips. This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t a real thing- the SQUIP didn’t exist- I had already determined-

'Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated.’

The world seemed to stop for a moment. Everything froze. The pain vanished abruptly, my thoughts froze, my heart stopped. I let out a shaky breath. My body trembled involuntarily.

'Discomfort level may increase.’

A shrill scream filled the air as blistering pain overtook my senses a second time, eyes squeezed shut as sobs wracked my body. Tears trickled down my cheeks freely. This was the worst thing I’d ever experienced. In that moment I wanted to end it all- I wanted everything to stop, the pain to stop, the problems to stop, the world to stop. I just needed to breathe. Just for a moment….

'Accessing neural memory. Accessing muscle memory. Access complete.’

A weak breath escaped my lips as my body went limp, all energy needed to sustain myself having evaporated. But I could still hear it. Could still hear him.

“___________________. Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor.”

I closed my eyes.

“Your SQUIP.”

The world fell silent as I went unconscious.

[pommemybeloved]

SAME

I love being a philever enjoyer cuz all I do is insane post for hours and be as delusional as forever

and I guess cope with the fact that the ship is dead (I will totally ignore this fact) and write angsty analysis that make no sense!

I know I said I enjoy their ship cuz it'll never come true but it's only funny when it was actually alive, cmon 😭