#no I do not want my fucking refrigerator to connect to wifi

[heyitsnyixie]

A good refrigerator should:

Keep things cold

Have a refrigeration compartment with an adjustable thermometer

Have a freezer compartment with an adjustable thermometer

Run for at least 10 years with little to no internal maintenance required

Have any small maintenance issues be fixable by the consumer

Have an ice maker to minimize plastic waste (from reusable ice trays)

Have at least two crispers

Have door storage space

Have an egg drawer

Have a butter compartment

A fancy refrigerator should, on top of the standard requirements:

Have an ice dispenser

Have a water purifier/dispenser

Have a temperature gauge

Run for at least 15 years with little to no internal maintenance

Anything else is fucking pretentious. Get the fuck out of my house.

[sluttyten]

workplace (mis)conduct

Yesterday <- || -> Kinktober Masterlist

Day Seventeen: Sir Kink/Office Romance w/ Johnny

Word Count: 4,675

** contains semi-public sex/exhibitionism because this is office sex, blowjobs, some light face-slapping

You hated the cliche of a secretary sleeping with the boss. And yet. When your boss is Johnny Suh, you can finally understand the appeal of sleeping with your boss.

Your boss is smart and sexy. He’s funny and kind. Johnny always asks you how you’re doing each morning when he passes your desk. Some mornings he surprises you with a coffee or a smoothie or a pastry from the spot he stops by for breakfast on his way in. He makes it so easy to fall in love with him.

And as his secretary, you spend a lot of time with him. Long days, late hours, business trips.

You were sure everyone else at the company probably already thought that you were fucking Johnny, even long before it became a reality.

The company retreat took place at a campsite. One of those places that is designed for team-building exercises. It was a weekend-long event. Tents were set up, there was a big dinner planned for a Saturday night, a final extravagant lunch picnic on Sunday. Friday night, as everyone arrived, there were drinks.

There were a lot of drinks.

Johnny was your drinking buddy, and as it turned out, neither of you was too good at holding your liquor. It didn’t help that everyone wanted to toast the boss, drinking to each achievement of the company over the past year, and each time Johnny drank, he looked to you to take a shot too.

Before the night was half over, both of you were wasted.

“I think I’d better call it a night,” you force the words out after a few hours. You know you’ve had too much, it’s gonna catch up to you in the morning, and the day is packed with activities. “Drink some water, crawl in… well, not bed. My tent.”

Johnny laughs beside you.

“Boss, I think you need bed too,” laughs one of your associates. “Bed, water, some medicine. We have an early day tomorrow, right?”

You go your own way to your tent, down a half liter of water, pop something to help ease the headache you’ll wake to in the morning, and you snuggle down into your sleeping bag.

Hours later, you wake in the dark.

The campsite is quiet outside. Inside your tent, you can hear the other two women in here breathing (one of them snoring). Outside, the wind blows lightly, there’s the cast of the lights of the guest house (which contains the showers, toilets, and a kitchenette, as well as a wifi connection in case of emergencies) against the wall of the tent.

You’re thirsty. And you need to pee.

Wrapping your blanket around yourself, you leave the tent, walking quickly and quietly through the dark, passing the other tents filled with your sleeping coworkers.

You think you’re alone in your wakefulness until you step inside the guest house.

Johnny sits at the table, his phone to his ear, squinting against the bright light of his laptop’s screen. He looks up when you walk in, nodding at you in acknowledgement, and you head on to the restrooms.

When you return a few moments later, Johnny’s still sitting there, still squinting at the laptop, but his phone is facedown on the table now.

“I thought none of us were working this weekend,” you say as you move around the table to grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator. “Not even supposed to bring our laptops, turn our phones off. Just really disconnect.”

Johnny does shut his laptop screen then. He turns to you, and says, “I’m the boss. I’m the exception.”

“Right.” You roll your eyes lightly. You pop the cap off your bottle and sit down beside Johnny at the table. “But what are you doing up? You didn’t have any calls scheduled for this weekend. And besides that, we both drank enough last night that I thought it was going to be a late start for everyone.”

Johnny taps his fingers against the back of his phone. “I just couldn’t sleep. I think I have a lot of pent up energy for this weekend. And I sober up pretty quickly, though it helped that Taeyong and Haechan were almost water-boarding me before they let me fall asleep.”

You can feel pent up energy under your skin too, though yours is likely of a different sort.

For months now you've been crushing on your boss, falling for him a little harder each day. And seeing him like this right now—a little sleepy, with his hair ruffled up on one side, his hoodie and flannel pants and a pair of fluffy socks on with his crocs—you’re just very endeared by him. He looks hot when he’s in his suits and his hair styled properly during the workdays, but seeing him in a much more relaxed state is very attractive too.

“You’re not totally awake, are you?” Johnny laughs, waving his hand in front of your face. “You zoned out there for a minute.”

Yeah, staring right at him.

“Sorry,” you mumble, shaking your head to clear your mind of Johnny, rid yourself of the thoughts of reaching out to smooth down his hair or the wilder imaginings of hugging him from behind with your hands tucked inside his hoodie pocket and your cheek against his shoulder.

“It’s okay.” Johnny tilts his head slightly to the side, watching you. “I’m not half-bad to look at, right?”

“Right,” you agree before your brain can fully process. Your eyes go wide as you realize that you just told your boss you find him attractive. “Oh! I mean—“

Johnny laughs, and this time he slaps a hand down on your knee. “You’re really still not awake, are you?”

Either you’re not fully awake or you’re still a little drunk. Maybe both.

Probably both.

Especially when you allow yourself to reach out and lay your hand over his on your knee. Johnny’s gaze drops down to your hand on his, but he doesn’t pull his back, and neither do you.

Drunk, tired, or just bold, you blurt it out now. “I think you’re quite nice to look at, actually, sir.”

You watch as Johnny just blinks down at your hands. Maybe he’s wondering if he’s fully awake right now or if this is just a dream (a nightmare?) playing out.

“You know how Yuta and Ten like to gossip?” You say, the words just spilling out one after the other even though part of you is screaming for your mouth to just stop moving. “Well, there’s a rumor around the company that there’s something going on between you and I. Isn’t that funny?”

Johnny doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t pull away, he just seems to be thinking, until finally he lifts his head.

“I’m your boss,” he says slowly, as if weighing the words on his tongue. “A relationship like that would be inappropriate.”

There’s no condemnation behind his words, no disapproval or disgust. His hand is still under yours. You look into his eyes, warm and deep brown, and he looks right back.

“It’s only inappropriate if we get caught.” Your loose tongue is going to get you in trouble if it just keeps spilling the words that come to mind. But there it goes again with, “You said it yourself. You’ve got a lot of pent up energy. Neither of us can sleep. I doubt anyone will be up to use the showers for at least an hour or two. We could release a bit of energy. Sir.”

Johnny licks his bottom lip, his gaze dipping down to your mouth. “There are rules against this, you know,” he says quietly. You can feel him losing his resolve, slowly leaning closer.

“You’re the boss,” you remind him. “You’re the exception.”

He smiles, a grin that sets your heart alight.

Johnny kisses you right there at the small table in the guest house, within view of the windows. It’s something that could have been a mistake, could have had terrible results if someone else were to be awake to witness it as they emerged from their tent, but in the moment neither of you was thinking properly. Your only thoughts were for Johnny, his hands and his lips and getting him to the showers to release some of your pent up energy.

You run your fingers through his hair, making it even messier, and at some point you pull yourself over onto Johnny’s lap.

You make out with your boss for a good long while until you’re feeling all soft and warm and (for lack of a better word) gooey, like a piece of caramel in Johnny’s hands. His hands knead at your ass, and you maybe subtly grind against him right there at the table until he at last pushes his hand up inside your shirt, touching your tits as he sucks on your tongue.

“Fuck me, sir,” you beg, arching your back, rutting yourself right against his bulge.

The showers in the guest house aren’t the nicest. They need a really nice, thorough deep-clean, or better yet, a renovation. But once Johnny has you inside the men’s shower room, pressing you across the tile floor to one of the private shower stalls, you don’t give a fuck what the state of the room is.

Fluorescent lights buzz overhead, casting everything in a hideous yellow-green hue. But the water is warm when Johnny turns it on, and his body is comfortable against yours as you press yourself close beneath the spray. For a while, you just touch each other, learning each other’s body while the water washes over you, until Johnny’s cock is aching and he’s got your pussy ready for him.

Your moans echo around the room, the tile bouncing back the sound of Johnny’s skin clapping against your ass right back at you.

He pulls out to cum across your ass, and you cum by pushing back to grind against his thigh. It's not as satisfying as it would’ve been had you had his cock inside you, but it’s still good.

Though, you do finally feel embarrassed afterwards, as you stand outside the shower to wring your hair out over one of the sinks. Johnny stands in the shower stall, the curtain drawn back as he pulls his hoodie back on.

He’s your boss. And you just fucked him, just like all the cliches.

“I’m going back to my tent. Get a little more sleep before the day starts,” you explain.

Johnny nods. “Yeah. That’s probably, uh, a good idea.”

It’s awkward. For what’s meant to be a relaxing, team building weekend, you feel tense and spend a good part of the day avoiding Johnny. You can’t believe that you had sex with him; you feel like a whore.

The awkwardness continues after the team building retreat. Monday morning, Johnny comes in later than usual. He greets you, but only cordially, not with the usual familiarity he treats you with. The tense avoidance stretches throughout the day up until it’s time for you to be leaving.

“Here,” Johnny slips you a note as he passes your desk.

You truly think nothing of it. As his secretary, he leaves you lots of notes, as you do to him as well. But after he disappears down the hallway, you glance at the note and see the invitation it presents.

“I’ve been thinking about Saturday morning,” the note reads, “If you have as well, be in my office when I return in 15. If not, burn this note, and we’ll forget any of this ever happened.”

Naturally, fifteen minutes later when Johnny passes by your desk, he finds it empty.

You’re sitting on his desk when he enters his office.

“Sir, are we repeating history?” You tease by uncrossing your legs, letting them spread apart to hint at a glimpse up your skirt.

Johnny locks the door behind him, closing the distance between the two of you quickly. “We are,” he says, “But this time, you have to be more quiet.”

He ends up fucking you bent over his desk, your panties stuffed in your mouth.

It’s easier after that. Less awkward now that you’ve both acknowledged that this is a mutual thing, this interest in each other. It helps that it begins to become more regular after that. Quickies in his office, secret kisses in the break room, and little gifts tucked inside your desk.

He once has you sit in his office while he’s on a call with some associated companies, and he plays with your pussy the entire call.

There’s a night a couple weeks into this when you’re both working a late night together at the office. Johnny follows you to the break room when you go to make shitty pick-me-up coffees, and you let him cage you in against the countertop, kissing at your neck with his hand down the front of your pants.

You call him sir because he likes it, that reminder of the inappropriate nature of this relationship, that power imbalance. He likes it too because it just sounds nice coming from your lips, the way you say it without total sincerity.

It’s probably quite obvious, you think, that you and Johnny are now finally participating in the activities you were rumored to be doing for so long. You hardly care, only when a coworker nearly walked in on Johnny and you once in the break room. You don’t care if they all suspect, but you don’t want them to see it, and if your coworker had walked into the room even a minute earlier, he’d have seen Johnny casually rubbing your ass while you leaned against his chest, both of you waiting for the coffee to finish brewing.

Now, there comes a day several weeks after this whole thing began, when you’re just feeling needy and careless—a dangerous combination.

You don’t care what Johnny’s plans are for the day, all you know is that right now you’re horny, and right now he’s alone in his office. You’ve been sitting quietly behind your desk outside his door, but the longer you sat as he was on calls all morning, the hornier you got. Your thighs were rubbing together, your fingers resisting temptation to just slip down and sneak in a few touches under your skirt.

So now that you know his last call just ended, you knock in the office door and enter the room.

Johnny is sitting behind his desk, elbows resting on the surface with his fingers massaging his temples.

“You look stressed, sir.” You step fully inside, closing the door behind you. “Anything I can help with?”

Johnny’s only response is to push back from the desk, baring his lap for you. You don’t for sure if he means for you to sit there, to bend over it, or what, but you do take a seat sideways in his lap, lifting your hand to brush your fingers along his cheek. Johnny sighs, leaning into your touch.

“We have that event coming up, and our organizers are shit.” He slides a hand against your waist. “Already we’ve had two vendors pull out on us, blaming a lack of cooperation from the team. I just got off a call with the venue staff’s rep, and she was telling me that our event has been unfortunately double-booked, that it’s only a slight overlap that will cut our event by an hour and a fucking half.”

Already you can see solutions to these issues. You hadn’t liked this venue much anyway, and it’s still not too late to change it. As for the vendors pulling out, you would just have to reach out to them personally. And then, the issue with the organizers, well, Johnny was head of the company, he could just fire them. There were plenty of people much better and more eager to organize than the present shoddy team.

But you don’t tell him any of that right now. You just stroke his cheek a little, and then lean in to kiss him lightly. “Do you need some stress relief, sir? I could give you a massage?”

Johnny eyes you, like he wants what you’re offering but he shouldn’t take it. Another kiss weakens his resolve.

“Go on,” he gives in. “A massage would be nice.”

His hand taps your ass as you stand to move around behind him. You trail yourself hands over his shoulders, knead your thumbs into the tense muscles, rub along the back of his neck and down his chest as well. Johnny rolls his head back with a low moan.

“Does it feel good, sir?” You lean in, your lips brushing the shell of his ear. Your tits press against his back. “Should I keep going?”

Johnny’s answer is a moan.

Your massage moves solely to his chest, passing your hands over his pecs, teasing your fingernails over his nipples through his crisp white button down. Meanwhile you keep your tits against his back, and you lean around him just enough that you can kiss him.

Your pussy is leaking arousal, ruining your pretty panties in all likelihood, but it’s okay. You know Johnny will fuck you over his desk before the day is done.

When your hands dip lower, over his stomach to brush your fingertips at his belt, Johnny moans again, louder this time, rocking his hips up off the seat. And when you cup your hand over his bulge, Johnny swears.

He pulls your hands away from him, turning his chair around quickly to face you. “Get on your knees,” he commands. “Be good, do it quick.”

Your knees hit the floor so fast you didn’t even have time to think about it. Your mind is blank, buzzing only with desire, the wet heat between your thighs controlling your mind as you watch Johnny unfasten his belt, unzip his pants, and pull his cock out.

“Come get it, sweetheart,” Johnny says, his fingers circling his shaft. “Use only your mouth.”

You scoot in, shoulders pressed between Johnny’s knees as he leans back in his seat.

You’re not sure you’re a fan of handsfree blowjobs, especially when Johnny confuses you by moving his cock just out of your reach, making you work for it. You chase his movement to the left, up, to the right, and then he slaps the tip of his cock against your cheek, leaving a wet blurt of his arousal against your cheek.

You whine, pussy throbbing now with new need. That was hot, and you need to have him in your mouth now. Luckily, Johnny gives you his cock then, allowing you to kiss along the shaft, trace your tongue around the tip and dip it into the weeping slit to taste him salty over your tongue.

You hold your mouth open for Johnny, waiting for him to slip it into your mouth, but instead he slaps his cock against your cheek again before he just lays his cock against your face. The sticky tip rests against your cheekbone for a moment while he taps it there.

“So pretty, sweetheart,” he moans. And then he drags his cock down, pushing into your waiting mouth.

You suck his cock obediently, handsfree, taking Johnny all the way down.

You’re just really getting into it, bobbing your head on him, paying special attention when you pull off to mouth along a prominent vein (that always really gets to him), when there’s suddenly a knock at Johnny’s office door.

“Shit, I forgot,” Johnny swears under his breath. He touches the back of your head, pulling you off him. “I have a little meeting with Lee Haechan. Think you can sit quietly under my desk until he’s gone?”

You nod. “Can I still have you in my mouth?”

Johnny nudges you into the alcove beneath his desk, blocked from the other side all the way to a half-inch above the floor. “Of course, that way you’ll keep quiet.”

“Come in!” Johnny calls, sliding his seat forward, caging you beneath the desk with his thighs.

There’s just enough room for you to slide forward, to fit your head between his lap and the top of the desk. To Johnny’s admirable credit, he doesn’t make a sound as you take his cock back into your mouth.

You hear the office door open and close, hear footsteps crossing the tile floor toward the seats across from the desk.

“Your secretary isn’t at her desk,” Haechan notes. “Otherwise I would’ve had her let you know I was coming in. She seems to be sneaking away from her desk a lot lately. I swear every time I’m in the break room, she’s in there too. Maybe you should punish her, sir.”

You swallow around Johnny, shuffling yourself closer to him on your knees. A punishment sounds fun. He hasn’t punished you much, and truth be told you probably do deserve one.

Johnny laughs. “Is she away from her desk too often or are you, Haechan?”

“Maybe we both are.” Haechan’s smile is evident in his voice. “Forget what I said about punishment.”

After that, you begin to zone out. Their conversation turns toward business, and you’re only business you care about is keeping Johnny hard in your mouth.

He hadn’t said anything about not using your hands now, so you don’t hesitate to bring a hand up and wrap it around his length when you have to pull off for a breath. You only tune in to the conversation again to listen for any signs of what you’re doing affecting Johnny, but his voice sounds surprisingly steady even as you kiss and suck at the sensitive spot just beneath the tip.

You’re having fun, doing whatever you like with his cock. You tap it against your lips, against your cheek again. You lick and kiss him however you like. Johnny doesn’t so much as twitch for the longest time. It’s only when you finally take him deep into your throat again, that he shows a sign.

Johnny clears his throat, his hand dripping down beneath the desk to curl around your wrist, squeezing tight. He shifts in his seat, rocking into the heat of your mouth.

“Are you okay, sir?” Haechan asks from the other side of the desk. “You just got really red.”

“I’m fine.” Johnny says shortly.

Pleased with yourself, you start moving.

Now that he’s given an inch, Johnny seems to keep slipping. He clears his throat more and more as the conversation with Haechan continues. He shifts in his seat, subtly grinding into your mouth, his hand flexes around your wrist until finally it grows to the point of crushing.

You pull off of his cock, barely stifling a hiss of pain as you reach for his hand around your wrist. It hurts. You tug at his fingers with your free hand. And the moment that your wrist is free, you pinch his thigh.

Johnny groans, his knee jumping up to knock against the underside of the desk. “Ah, shit,” he hisses, spinning his chair around so his back is to you and to Haechan. “My damn knee,” he curses, “You’re lucky you’re too young for joint pains.”

Haechan laughs hesitatingly on the other side of the desk. “You’re not that old, sir. And I’ve got my own aches and pains, I understand.”

Does he?, you think to yourself. Does he understand that the true source of Johnny’s ache is currently his cock, the rise to orgasm left unfinished?

You watch from beneath the desk as Johnny stretches his knee out, massaging it before he spins back around and shoves himself back against his desk, pushing his seat so far in that you have to move backwards to avoid getting a knee to the face. Your hands slip on the floor, and you consider staying there with your back pressed against the backing of the desk, but Johnny’s hand reaches beneath the desk, beckoning you forward with two fingers.

“You can go now, Haechan. We can discuss this more tomorrow at the team meeting.” Johnny’s dismissal is clear, concise. His invitation, or rather command, to you is also quite clear.

You move forward, hard-pressed to not sigh as he dives his fingers into your hair, pulling your mouth right back to his cock.

“Yes, sir! Thank you!” Haechan stands up, you hear his chair scraping across the floor. “I would ask if you want me to leave a copy of my report with your secretary, but she’s probably still in the break room, right?” His voice is teasing.

Johnny laughs, fingers tightening in your hair as you go down on him. “You can just leave a copy on her desk. I’m sure she’ll know what it is.”

Moments later you hear the door open and close again.

No sooner has the door latched shut than Johnny is pulling back, tugging at your hair to bring you forward. You crawl out from beneath the desk, following his cock.

“He’s right, you know,” Johnny groans, pulling out of your mouth, to your displeasure. “I should punish you. Always away from your desk. Doing activities inappropriate for the workplace.” He holds his clock right over your open mouth, his hand flying over his length. “How should I punish you, sweetheart?”

You whine. “I’m good, sir. Please, don’t punish me.”

Johnny bites his bottom lip, thumb sliding over his slick tip. “No, I think I will. Stand up.”

Your knees ache as you stand up, but you forget the pain when Johnny spins you around, bending you over his desk just as you’d known he eventually would.

This is familiar and good. Johnny pushing your skirt up, pulling your panties down. He pushes right inside you with no trouble, and you have to bite your tongue to keep from moaning, and when you feel that’s about to fail, you bite at your forearm. There’s a bruise there still from earlier in the week when you’d had a quickie in the restroom. It’s unfortunate because you’ve had to wear long sleeves all week in this tragically warm weather.

As he fucks you against his desk, papers crinkling beneath your body, you can’t stop thinking of the thrill of being beneath his desk just minutes ago, the power of holding his secret, of being his secret.

You cum like that, with Johnny thrusting into you and the taste of his cock still lingering on your tongue.

Johnny follows quickly after, pulling out to cum over your ass, never one to cum inside you.

He hits his softening cock against your bottom, smearing his cock through his cum, rubbing it into your skin like moisturizer. “I’ll have to think up a proper punishment for you, you know.”

You can’t imagine Johnny truly giving you an intense punishment. He’s too soft and gentle for that, but you won’t tell him that.

“Yes, sir,” you agree instead, standing up straight from the desk, crouching down to pull your panties up.

Johnny’s watching you when you turn around.

“Did it work?” You ask him, reaching out to brush your fingers over a wrinkle in his shirt. “Are you less stressed?”

“Yes,” he says, taking your hand from his shoulder, bringing it to his lips. “I am.”

You lean in, moving your hand from his lips to kiss him instead. It’s a slow but too-short kiss. “I think I have some ideas, by the way, about the event. To solve our problems.”

Johnny nods. “I’d like to hear them.”

You take a seat on his desk while he sinks back into his chair, rolling it close to you so he can hold your hand while he listens to you. Johnny’s so sweet with you, so attentive and caring, and you can’t help but wonder if this can ever be anything more than just a sexy little office romance.

With the way he’s looking at you like you hold the secrets to the universe, you really hope that there’s more to be had with Johnny.

a/n: a new and improved version of this post

[blossom-hwa]

Could I request . . . best friend!chan + boys' night out, some platonic banter and wholesome drunk escapades?

Okay ngl Javi I have never gotten drunk or anything so like.... I’m so sorry I don’t know how to write this smdkgshg but I wanted to write platonic banter and I started this like texting series in my last drabble game so.... I kinda continued it here but with a reader too?? I hope that’s okay I’m so sorry kjfskdjhguh

(Read the original text aus here: danceracha | 3racha | vocalracha | the boyz | both groups aka a nightmare)

Stray Kids drabble game: send me a Stray Kids member + a prompt (check out the post for ideas) and I’ll write a drabble for you!

~

Title: Cafe Shenanigans 2: Electric Boogaloo

Pairing: none (all platonic), reader is gender neutral

Word count: 1.3k

Triggers: cursing

~

quick clarification:

better than tony: chan

chingban: changbin

gremlin: jisung

y/n/wow: y/n

~

better than tony: we have a new worker joining today please for the love of god do Not scare them off

better than tony has added y/n to the group chat!

y/n: chan why is this your nickname

chingban: and why did you talk about a new worker all serious n shit we literally know y/n

gremlin: probably better than we know chan tbh

y/n: what’s my favorite color

chingban: ...

gremlin: ...

y/n: that’s what I thought

better than tony: I'm regretting everything rn 

chingban: ???? nothing has happened ????????

better than tony: something is going to happen I know it is

better than tony: it’s only a matter of time

y/n: chan you still haven’t answered my question

y/n: why is this your nickname

better than tony: I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you

gremlin: I'm gonna do it

chingban: I'm torn between wanting to cease existence

chingban: and wanting to see chan melt into the ground out of embarrassment

better than tony: I swear to fucking god you assholes IF YOU DO IT

gremlin: [ sent 1 audio attachment wow.mp3 ]

y/n: oh my what’s this ??

better than tony: y/n go to work

y/n: I'm taking my break now <3

better than tony: I'm revoking best friend privileges

y/n: that’s fine I can make two whole other best friends right here 

gremlin: :D

chingban: :D

better than tony: I knew this was a mistake

y/n: I think my twenty minute break is long enough to listen to a three minute song! 

y/n: bye whores

better than tony: jisung say your prayers

gremlin: I'm willing to take one for the team

gremlin: it was only a matter of time before they found out anyway

chingban: you can’t argue with that

better than tony: I’D STILL RATHER KEEP IT UNDER FUCKING WRAPS

gremlin: are those choking noises from the back

better than tony: this was a mistake this was a mistake this was a fucking mistake

chingban: dw I'll go check on them

chingban: make sure y/n isn’t dead on their first day on the job

better than tony: I honestly hope they choke

chingban: update all is well

better than tony: damn

gremlin: that?? is??? your???? best????? friend??????

better than tony: not anymore

better than tony: anyone who knows about wow must be put to death

chingban: so our entire friend group should be put to death?????

better than tony: are you arguing with that

gremlin: you know what I can’t argue

gremlin: I'm surprised the fbi hasn’t shot us down yet

y/n has changed their name to wow!

better than tony: ok you know what fuck you

wow: what the fuck are you doing to get the fbi to shoot you down

gremlin: IT’S ALIVE

better than tony: unfortunately

wow: it ??????????????????????????????????

chingban: idk about them but I've never done anything that merits being shot down yb the fbi

gremlin: wow is an offense punishable by death

chingban: I agree it’s an offense but death ???????

better than tony: stop texting and go back to work I'm tired of you all

wow: I'm still on my break

better than tony: everyone except y/n stop texting and go back to work

chingban: the favoritism is real

better than tony: y/n is my best friend suck it up

gremlin: I thought you disowned them from that position ???

better than tony: unfortunately they’re still more tolerable than you two combined

wow: I'm still reeling over being called ‘it’

wow: bitch ass han jisung you think I'm Frankenstein’s monster or some shit? or the clown from that movie???

gremlin: do you want me to answer that question

wow: say your prayers

chingban: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

better than tony: I regret everything

~

wow: hey I didn’t know hyunjin/minho/Felix worked at the build a bear at this mall

chingban: literally where have you been

chingban: they’ve been there for at least six months

gremlin: why is only felix’s name capitalized

wow: 1. bitch do you think I come to the mall to go to build a bear?

wow: 2. autocorrect

wow: wow jisung your autocorrect is shit if it isn’t capitalizing Felix

gremlin: what do you come to the mall for

gremlin: also what of it

wow: to bother chan

wow: and mooch off the wifi because the connection at home is shit

wow: oh and work now ig

better than tony: nice to see your priorities

wow: <3

wow: actually jisung. don’t tell me you fucking actually go back and make Felix uncapitalized 

gremlin: caught

gremlin: and wait till they find out where seungmin/jeongin work at 

chingban: what the fuck why wouldn’t you just let autocorrect do its shit

better than tony: he’s jisung do you really need another reason

chingban: fair enough

gremlin: fair enough

wow: also I've known where the fuck seungmin/jeongin work I used to work at the tutoring center too dumbasses

better than tony: isn’t the pay better there? I still don’t know why you quit

wow: if you mean better by like fifty cents then yeah

gremlin: I-

chingban: I thought tutoring would pay a lot more than working at a shitty cafe???????????????????????????????

wow: yeah that’s what I thought too

wow: and then I found out how much chan was getting paid and I was like what the fuck I'd have so much fun working here even with slightly lower pay 

wow: so I quit

gremlin: respect

wow: wasn’t a hard decision

wow: the kids are horrible

better than tony: I thought you liked some of them

wow: “some” is the key word

chingban: ouch

wow: at least I get to fuck around here without getting in too much trouble

better than tony: isn’t sangyeon chill??

wow: Ella isn’t

gremlin: oh I've heard horror stories from seungin

wow: they’re all true

wow: honestly wish you’d burned down the tutoring center when you set fire to the refrigerator jisung

better than tony: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT

chingban: more like who DOESN’T know about that

wow: seungmin sent me pics

better than tony: betrayed by my own children

wow: he’s more my child than yours and you know it

chingban: does that mean y/n and chan are our parents????

wow: no

better than tony: no

gremlin: oh my god I have more parents now !!!!!

wow: suddenly I feel Regret

better than tony: welcome to my world

gremlin: I'll set fire to the refrigerator again if you don’t say you’re my parents

better than tony: isn't this how you bribed Jacob into giving you hugs instead of giving me hugs

wow: Jacob?

chingban: other worker along with chanhee they’re on vacation for the week

wow: o

better than tony: also please don't set fire to the refrigerator

better than tony: or even try to

gremlin: have my conditions been met

wow: fucking gremlin bitch ass child

wow: fine I'm one of your parents

gremlin: 1/2

better than tony: fine

gremlin: 2/2 :D

wow: let the record say I only ever wanted seungmin and jeongin

wow: and Felix

gremlin: ouch

chingban: ouch

wow: you force me to be your parent you suffer the consequences

better than tony: Felix is MY SON

wow: SO YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU FUCKERS ARE AUSTRALIAN YOU HAVE AN AUTOMATIC BOND? SUCK MY DICK CHAN

better than tony: I’LL FIGHT YOU

wow: SQUARE UP OLD MAN

chingban: jisung did you predict this

gremlin: in reality no but for the clout yes

chingban: ...

gremlin: I am Agent of Chaos(TM)

chingban: that I can see

[suitemadameblue]

this is the first world problem to end all first world problems but my father forced me to get a new laptop a few months back and i’ve only started using it recently and it has been nothing but trouble. applications never respond. i can’t log in to the zoom desktop app. the fan acts like it’s dying as soon as more than two tabs are open. it just randomly decided that it was going to restart. kinda like the fucking car he replaced the reliable 2002 camry with. not that i don’t love the honda but goddamn it’s been one fucking thing after another with it. 

i didn’t fucking want new stuff, what i had worked(mostly) fine. he’s just an elitist and can’t stand being seen as behind or out of touch. when i move out i’m going to be everything he’s not. I’m going to learn to repair my own stuff and I’m going to use it for as long as humanly possible. i will mend my own clothes. i will debug my own laptop. i will fix my own car. i will do my own home repairs should i ever by some miracle end up owning my own home. i am going to live simply and make it so that my whole existence is understated. nothing will be flashy or new or cutting edge and my appliances will certainly be dumber than me. i will have manual locks on all the doors and nothing will be connected to wifi except my computer and my phone. not my washing machine, not my oven, not my thermostat, not my refrigerator, nothing. the security system will be deadbolts on the doors, a large dog, and me with a hot pink hello kitty baseball bat

[nemrut]

Untitled W.I.T.C.H. story

As I watched Cornelia, Irma and Matt step out of the portal, I frowned.

“Where are the others?” I asked, as I moved to hug Cornelia.

“Hay Lin had to help out at the Silver Dragon, Taranee was dragged along by her brother for something and Will’s mom kinda drafted her to assist with something work related. Honestly not sure, Will was yelling about needing rescue from evil paperwork and running but I’m not breaking into her mom’s workplace again. Red is on her own.”

“I love your teamwork,” I said, “Always so encouraging to see the Guardians of the Veil stepping up and show why it was them that were chosen to safeguard Infinity.”

Matt, the abandoned girls boyfriend rolled his eyes as Cornelia shoved me with a snort. “Shut up, you ditched us more than once for a sale.”

“And am I a guardian, Cornelia? Do you see me wearing these ridiculous tights?”

Irma clutched her chest as if her heart had been shot, a look of betrayal on her face. “How dare you! Ridiculous tights? It’s the finest fashion and armor Kandrakar has to offer.”

Cornelia was equally outraged. “We deposed the last ruler of this planet and we’ll do it again,” Cornelia threatened with a smile and I laughed.

“So, what’s the plan?” asked Irma and leaned over the balcony to see a lot of construction going on. “What’re you building over there?”

I took a deep breath, knowing that this might not go over all that well.

“Phobos’ weird Star Gate thing, on a really small scale.”

Cornelia, Matt and Irma spun around looking at me, eyes wide and mouths open.

“I’m sorry, I think the last fold did something to my hearing. I could have sworn you said something like building a fold portal to earth.” Matt’s voice got a bit shrill which couldn’t have been good for his singing.

“Yeah, that’s the plan.”

“WHY!?”

“Look, guys, it’s very simple. Yes, I may be the Queen of an entire planet and have magical powers akin to a literal goddess, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss electricity or the internet. Or good plumbing. Or refrigerators. Or modern medicine. Or tampons, well, magic kinda makes that way more convenient actually, but for all the others who aren’t me, tampons would be neat. Which is most people here, basically everyone else. You know, modern technology and science. All the good stuff. I want it here. For me and for them. I’m a giver.”

“Why do you sound like a villain when you say it like that?” Irma asked raising an eyebrow which I ignored.

“I’m not going to steal anything or kidnap anyone. I am going to take gold and jewels from our treasury here, change them to earth currency and get a lot of books. Thankfully our languages are similar enough and the most difficult thing is coming up with stuff anyway. With that already handled, all we have to do is to learn how it is done and try to apply it here, without the mistakes that you people did, of course. Earth people are bad at this, you know. Would be cool to have everything without wrecking the planet and nature. Here I am hoping magic will do the trick.”

“You people?” Cornelia looked baffled and incredulous.

“That sounds great and all, but you really just want the internet back, right?”  asked Irma at the same time.

“Oh yes, so much. Movies, make-up, fashion, movies, games, music,  electricity in general. I need it back, guys!”

“You said movies twice. Also, I’m not learning how to build steam engines,” Cornelia said, crossing her arms. “As if I didn’t have anything better to do than uplift this backwater hellhole. No offence,” she hastily added.

“Yes offence but that’s not why I asked you morons here. If I wanted technical expertise, or any kind of expertise for that matter, I would have bribed Taranee here. No, you lemmings are going to, for now, work as my gophers. Take a few of my subjects and give them an earth crash-course until they know enough to make transactions.”

Matt took out his smartphone, pushed a few buttons and read something for a few seconds before he spoke. “I just checked my schedule and it seems I’m too busy for that Elyon. Looks like I’ve to do anything else but that. Sorry for that, would love to help but I really don’t want to. Solid talk we had and good luck.”

“What he said,” Irma pointed at Matt and Cornelia nodded.

“Hard pass, gorgeous.”

Well, it’s not like I expected them to be helpful, especially after they told me they had ditched Will the way Caleb had his mother in the necklace.

“Way to be helpful, guys. Here you are, lounging in the lap of luxury and privilege that is western civilization and refuse to do give even a little bit of time to help those in need. For shame.”

“Said the wealthy, magically powerful very much not elected monarch.” Irma wasn’t impressed but then again, she had always been a sharp one.

“Yeah, didn’t think you’d buy that line either.”

“Honestly, in all seriousness, that’s your long term goal? Get a few books and build stuff that is way above the technological level of this world? Never watched all that much Star Trek but seems to remember that it was a bad idea there.”

“Well, I’m going to be cheating a lot. With magic. Like, the portal thing is there so that the fold will be permanently open to allow for cables in-between worlds. So it will be less inventing the meridian internet but rather accessing the internet and electrical networks of earth.”

“That’s possible?”

“Well, I could plug in the charger of my phone with a fold between my bedroom here and on earth. And as long as the fold is open, I even get a weak wifi signal.”

“Aren’t you stealing internet?”

“Oh, is miss mind control trying to argue morals with me?”

“Objection retracted.”

“But no, I would have paid for the Brown house. Of course, if I want to set up things, would have to pay for other stuff but I would first need to research what I would need exactly. And how to make it so that no one wonders where it all goes to.”

“Imagine the whole different worlds thing gets blown because Aldarn was shitposting on Twitter.” Irma seemed amused at that and crackled after a few seconds thinking about that.

“So, you’re going to have your people toil away in order to give yourself access to youtube and facebook. What was the difference between monarchy and dictatorship again?” Matt asked.

“The difference is fuck you,” I replied, shooting him a cross glare. “And having electricity and warm water and modern sanitation and all that is going to help everyone as well.”

“Easy there, your majesty,” Irma was barely holding back her laughter. “You really have gotten quite demanding and bossy over the last few months.”

“What? No, I’ve not.”

“Elyon, sweetie, you have. It’s not bad or anything, but you did get a bit more-“

“Like Cornelia,” Irma helped her finish her sentence for which she was rewarded with a cute snarl.

I, on the other hand, was aghast. “I haven’t gotten that bad, did I?” my hands went to my cheeks.

“Oh, screw you two bitches! You wish you were half as awesome as me.”

“Who are you going to send to earth to learn earth customs?”

“Well, Caleb seems like a good choice. He already has a solid grasp on a lot of things and it’s not like he isn’t there enough. Might as well do something useful when he is there. You know, pleasing Cornelia should take only a few minutes, lots of free time afterwards.” Cornelia flipped me off, the rude tramp. “My parents are probably going to be the main people taking the helm on that one. They’ve lived there for years, they know it very well, they are already established and our house serves as a nice basis. And they’re adults, so, yeah, that tends to make things easier than having a seventeen year old try to do this shit.”

“What was this crap about us having to take care of newcomers then? Seems like we’re not needed at all.” Irma sounded confused.

“Well, it would be helpful. But truth to be told, I’d like your more…esoteric help. Mainly Will and Irma, really, so it’s too bad she isn’t here.”

“Wait, wait, wait. You wanted us to abuse our powers to grant you unlimited access to technological facilities and applications? Brainwash people and infiltrate computer systems? That’s what you wanted us for?”

“You make it sound worse than it is.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Elyon, you must have confused us for the Guardians of Corporate Espionage when we’re, in fact, very much not that!”

“You’re so dramatic,” I complained to Cornelia. “I know Irma uses her powers to let herself off easy with tests and oral examinations. How is that any better than me wanting you guys to fudge the numbers in order to help tens of thousands of people.”

“Oh yeah, you’re really desperate to give Aldarn and the rest of the Rebellion access to porn and catvideos.”

Matt, Cornelia and I laughed at that and Irma flashed us a confident grin.

“Oh boy, I would pay to see that, to be honest,” Matt said, not even trying to reign in his grin.

“Not going to lie, porn would be a huge success here,” I admitted, “think it definitely has potential as a business endeavor but we don’t want to go too fast. Folks are in some ways a bit more conservative. It’s a medieval setting, after all.”

“You know,” Irma started, “I always wondered how close they are to our world.”

“Well, racism isn’t really a thing between humans, seeing they are living together with countless other races and this world has been aware of Kandrakar and other worlds for quite a while. That said, it still very much exists with regards to shapeshifters and other life forms. Lurdens as well. And whatever Tracker was.”

“How come they still haven’t technologically progressed if Kandrakar has been connecting them to so many different worlds?” Cornelia wondered.

“Phobos didn’t make things easier on that regard but before that, no idea. Maybe they like the aesthetic?”

“Well, Kandrakar isn’t exactly high tech either,” Matt said, scratching his chin. “I mean, it’s pretty much monks in robes and aether and whatnot.”

“But mostly because they have magic, right? No need for an electric heater if you can just magic the right temperature and stuff. Light, communication, heat, whatever, everything can be done by magic. Why bother with technology?” I said. “Which is different to here, because not every citizen is a wizard or sorcerer. And no magic in the world can replace YouTube, so, yeah. I want this done.”

Really, it was like herding cats with them. Every time I had them to a teensy thing, they started complaining and bickering.