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ked-r · 4 years ago

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wrt the antidepressant post you reblogged i wanted to let you know that several of the sources are right wing weirdos and antivax pseudoscience pushing people. in case you didnt read through them

Ok so I'm gonna start this with saying that I'm on my phone so I can't do the most detailed research and also to say that just because something is published and peer-reviewed doesn't mean that it's free from bias.

The first source is an anti med psychiatrist (probably antivax but I can't tell from a short look over) so definitely take her with a grain of salt but the other sources that OP mentions are actually what they say they are and are worth taking into account.

The second source is Mad in America, which is part journal part blog and opinion site. I read a lot of work from there in academia (in my Disability Studies and Mad Studies courses) and also for fun because I'm critical of the medical model of "mental illness". This is not a right wing publication, but it has an anti medical model bias.

The third source is from NewScientist, which I've never heard of before but mediabiaschecker lists it as pro-science and high in factual reporting.

Phillip J. Cowen is a professor of psychopharmacology at the University of Oxfard, his research is all about depression and how different drugs affect depressed brains.

Jeffrey Lacasse is a professor at the Florida State University department of social work who does research on psychiatric medication and social services

K.A. Smith, Philip Cohen, and Christopher Fairburn have all done extensive research on psychiatry and psychiatric drugs (this particular study was written while affiliated with the University of Oxford, which for some people adds legitimacy bc of the prestige of the university, you can decide on your own if prestige affects your interpretation)

N. Risch, R. Herrell, T. Lehnder have also done extensive peer reviewed work in the field of psychiatry.

Earo Castren is a professor at the Univeristy of Helsinki who has also spent years researching psychiatry and psychiatric treatments

So the only (probably) anti vax right wing one is the first one? Mad in America is also biased but not in the way you listed. All of the others are peer reviewed researchers, I'm not going searching for their social media accounts to check on their political leanings because....that's a lot of work....but these aren't some joe schmoe off the street reactionary hicks but rather experts in their fields studying the impacts of psychiatric medication.

Please correct me if I'm wrong and I've missed a glaring evidence of bias somewhere, I would really like to know.

The neurotransmitter theory of mental illness is a theory that is treated as fact. It is not fact. You should be critical of anyone who says that it is 100% true.

Mental illness is socially constructed. You cannot remove a mental illness from the environment it came to be in. If depression was just something that happened to people because of biology, there would not be an uneven distribution of mental illness. An example that I researched in uni was depression in homosexual women vs depression in heterosexual women. If depression is just a happenstance of biology, why are lesbians so much more likely to be depressed that heterosexual women? It's because social factors are at work.

Anyway if meds work for you, congrats! That's great! I'm so glad that you've found a treatment that works for you. But you have to be critical of why the individualistic medical model has been pushed as the primary understanding of psychiatric treatment for decades now, because maybe just maybe creating a group of people to be consumers for life is done less in the interest of mentally ill people and more in the interest of the companies that make medication.

Sorry for typos or anything weird, I'm on mobile and my phone kinda sucks.

#antipsych #speech bubble

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theroadfromustome · 5 years ago

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Mile 76

Ok, at the office ostensibly to work, and God knows I need the money, but I feel like I need to take a little bit of time to sift through a whole heap of shit that has happened. And, as I cannot afford or schedule therapy right now, I need to get this out and mull it over somehow.

Ok soooo since I last wrote...

J came to visit. (This was just over a month ago.) We took a day and bashed around my part of town; played games, it felt more like we were investing in what I wanted to do. He was also sensitive, considerate, and we didn’t really have much time where his health or other factors tanked the conversation or invoked dead air. Very promising. I did show him my bedroom, in all its glory, and I fear I pushed intimacy there too far. Exceedingly foolish on my part. He was sweet and went along, and enjoyed himself I’m sure, but in hind sight--that was a NO. He says he’s following my lead wrt sex, but I wonder if he really wants to go that far. I get the sense that sexual enjoyment is something he wants to provide as a gift/service, and he thinks well enough of me to want to do so. He was also affectionate and moderately cuddly, more so than he has been before. He met my mom, and gets points for being sweet and charming to her. (He knows where stepdad is btw, but I was not brave enough to tell him why.) He also offered that we invite her to dinner so she not feel left out--points there. But ALSO, the discussion about it was nice and co-conspiratory and felt good--we were partners in crime making this decision. That was nice, and not the only time such had happened that day. And, when I got too intimate in the bedroom and cried, he held me and listened. An infinitely good man. But I’m still not sure he considers me precious enough to build something long term--he cares for me I know, he’s attracted to me of course, but am I precious to him? Unknown. I know this: we did not end up taking mom to dinner, and while there had as open a conversation as we ever have. I tried to explain to him that when he stops actively pursuing it confuses and unsettles me; that the radio silence is really bad for my anxiety. He showed me a glimpse of his broken heart, talked about his breakup with his previous lady, and took my hands and said, in the most tender heartfelt of voices “I want to do right by you.” Perhaps the closest thing to a legit declaration I have ever gotten from him, bc he is so careful and reserved. It was amazingly touching, and I thought, good, this is a directive, something to go on. He really REALLY has the best of hearts. But THEN...he didn’t pursue that. His job is eating him alive right now I know. But there has been weeks of almost entirely radio silence--to his credit he has made some small convo which I know is him making an effort, and a mark of affection. He has finally resolved to get out of this abusive job, which is great. And perhaps on the other side of that he could be able to be available to me in the way I need, even on a slow burn. The trouble is that in that radio silence and disconnect...

P stepped in. P, who I thought just wanted to be friends. P, who I have said in the past feels far safer than J, for whom I haven’t (until nowish) had to tell myself to lower the stakes with. P, who I have raced forward with at a rate that is incredibly foolish in the course of about a month. So he’s got some neuroatypicalities and trauma, I think, from past negative experiences. He uses words like “frigid” and “robotic,” and has hangups about physical stuff. So he was giving me mixed signals bc he wasn’t sure if he had the courage to pursue anything romantic with me. But, when pressed, he was most complimentary and we messaged until 4AM. We set up a proper date, in which he taught me self defense, and I taught him swing dance. He is a natural and brilliant and supportive teacher. I’m not exactly kicking butt any time soon, but he makes me feel like I could, make me feel as though I could be capable of more than I realized; hence the list of ambitions. That partnership--that being able to glance across the dance frame or over the punching mat he is holding for me and look into his eyes and know that he is just *there* for me...that is...so good for me. SO good. He is a consummate partner, and I fear I am coming to rely on him too much. He understands and upholds my need to feel equal; engages in trades (music for music, combat for swing, massages for... other things). He makes a ridiculous amount of money, so when he spends on me it is one time when it simply cannot be equal. I begin to worry about other things too. He went away with his dad to a conference in Finland for a week and wrote me the loveliest letters every day while away. He was back for three days (which evenings we spent together and I even was able to sleepover the last and he made me breakfast...) and then is now in NY for a week with his family. He can’t write as much there bc it is family time, and I fully get that. My life continues and feels humdrum here--esp bc I’m not really working at Job #1 bc I’d hoped to be working in promotion at Job #2 by now. But more on that below... He’s being so active and outdoorsy, telling me how amazing his cousins are...and he’s not *here* I guess, to reassure me in person... For whatever reason, I’m drowning in feelings of inadequacy, and I fear, for the first time, that an expiration date has been created here. We agreed initially ‘one day at a time,’ but both had trouble keeping to that. We have trips already planned two months out (he’s taking me to NYC to see Hamilton!!!!), and talk long term all the time. Let’s remember folks, we have been romantic only A MONTH. Another good occasion for this gif:

But he seems to feel the same depth of emotion (impetuous though it is) that I do, that feeling of safety and ultimate support. Could this be a chance (down’ the road) for an unconditional love relationship with a romantic partner? Could such a thing exist for me? I worry bc he is so inherently capable; a genius and regimented; he owns a house, cooks, works out regularly, keeps himself to a diet, is a great planner, not to mention the combat; he’s a natural at swing and most anything else he puts his mind to. He’s also crazy smart, eloquent and witty; well-versed, well-read, and his baggage is not as incommodious as mine. I hate the idea of lying to him (a good sign!) and so I told him (where I was not brave enough to tell J) about stepdad and that situation. I feel for the first time (in an Austenian sense) how tainted I am by association. Most people (say, his excellent family) cannot stomach that sort of a thing in any sense, nor wish to connect themselves. He says he is not bothered, but it makes me angry and sick to think about it. Blegh. Just another of those bits of baggage I bring which make me so difficult to be with--the child and the legal marital status being others, among many... So far I have felt decently comfortable being myself and not feeling like I have to change for him (that bbaaaaaaad instinct). But lately I have felt as though I need to start working out or I cannot keep to his standard. It is not that I don’t want to be active, and I know the benefits, but working out as rigorously as he does is not something that feels like it comes from me; rather something I feel I must do for him. And the instant I start feeling like I have to behave a certain way or he will walk is the instant the warning bells start. I have the feeling and I want to stop it; I’m pretty sure it lies in me, and I want to understand it so I can stop it. I will never be as infinitely good, capable, vigorous or whole as he is. And if he wants to attempt to love me in spite of this...I just need to square with that. I want to have the strength to feel good in myself without his support. I want to feel worthy and equal. What can I bring to him that he doesn’t already have? And is it enough? When I tally our assets I always feel as though mine are wanting. He tells me I make him happy, happier than anything. But will that fade? Is it enough? Bc by my calculations it simply doesn’t add up.

“...the day that I find, suddenly I’ve run out of secrets, suddenly I’m not always on his mind...”

So, guiding questions:

1- Am I being foolish rushing into this? Am I trying to convince my heart to go where it simply cannot yet and is not ready to go?

2- What is the source of this feeling of inadequacy and how can I halt it?

3- Is there an expiration date? How would I feel about that?

In the midst of all this T is proving tricky to shake. My fault as much as anything. I find myself crazy susceptible to his physical prowess (he’s well-versed in the art of physical intimacy) and he blindly praises me with a worshipful devotion. It’s addictive I admit. P will be more of a slow burn in terms of physical intimacy; but if we get all the way there (which slow burn is really a good healthy thing for me), I suspect it could be the sort of thing that makes me cry, in the best of ways. The contemplation already makes me more sentimental than I can say. And that’s the thing; when P gets back in town and I can look into his eyes again--when he’s there on the other end of the dance frame...holding my hand and holding me up, I will feel safe again. Loved, secure, and in no doubt. I have yet to feel inadequate when he is there like that. Because he doesn’t look at me and see flaws. And he is so pragmatic and unruffled. A good attitude for me. He is a “problem solver” as he likes to say, and nearly everything has a simple, logical solution. That’s a lovely grounding thing for me. It give me steel and makes me think things like “You don’t have demonstrable skills? Then acquire some.” And he makes it seem simple, achievable. He believes in me. And he tells me so. And he is committed to getting this thing we’ve got right. All good good things. So I have faith that things will return to normal when he’s home.

Another point of insecurity for me atm is that I await news of this job which I had hoped to hear of before now. The week that they gave me is almost up, and I cannot help but feel that if they wanted to offer it to me they would have by now. Also, feeling anxious about all I have to learn.

And on THAT note, I do feel somewhat better and need to get some actual paid work in. Hopefully I will muse more before too much longer.

Non sequitur: In the soundtrack of P (he is sharing metal with me) there is so far: “Heaven Help My Heart,” “You’re Awful” and “Two Sleepy People”--because we cannot seem to get enough sleep in each other’s company--texting or cuddling. Which is, in his simple heartfelt language: “nice.”

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