#no 1 of the secrect service

[petty-crush]

“No. 1 of the Secret Service”

-Sleazy, stupid, absolutely delightful super spy silliness

-somebody is killing rich men, agent no. 1 must stop said killer

-this is the closest I’ve seen a film have a sitcom type opening

+peppy song, names of the cast, a montage of all the silly action to come; it’s all there

-what also endears this film to me is the brazenness with which it embraces its low budget self

-our hero is about to be killed, the bullet (never seen) stops, why?; because “oh I just installed a new device, an invisible wall that only activates when bullets come near me”

-this is but one example; others include clearly reusing the off camera sign that “filming is to commence” to note that assassins are coming after no 1

-actor Nicky Henson has an brassy, dry underplaying of the absurdity of his vocation and its surroundings

-he is very much spoofing Roger Moore’s Bond, to great success

-sidebar; I think Moore’s bond is my entry to the series. It has a far amount of lows, but the highs are wonderful and a charm hard to resist. Are the Connery Bonds better? Yes. Do I like the Moore version far more? Also yes.

-there are a great many luscious ladies in this film, seemingly all connected with their wide eyes and bangs haircut

-it starts dumb and proceeds to endearing; no 1 (aka Charles Bind) continually sprays agent Ana Hudson with a seltzer bottle throughout the film; it becomes a recurring wet t-shirt image

+wonderful, life affirming, breasts really help

-I had a hearty laugh at the ideology behind the villain; a rich eccentric who wants to kill rich bores

-his entrance as a street hustler who shouts death to the idle wealthy in a crowded park, only to walk off and get into a expensive limousine (and tear off his fake mustache) is a wonderful visual joke

-what’s equally appealing is the way his conversations with no 1 are so on the nose; he just wants to kill people and he openly broadcasts it to give him some sporting challenge while he gets on with it

-this film is just full of droll details like that

-like getting two incredibly sexy women to learn to kill, but only ten years in the future, to give the then old villain some hearty giggles when reading the newspaper

-not only the verbal but the visual; all of the deaths are done in crayons, with quick jump cuts that have men flying to the ground like dummies

-a rapid editing style, ala the French new wave while also signaling the upcoming fellow British commercial filmmakers (Tony Scott, Adrian Lynne) is used to great affect here

-I’ve said before a certain (low) percentage of UK filmmakers have a splendid style, the vast majority are ugly brown bathwater

-director Lindsay Shonteff (at least here) clearly has the former

-in fact I’m quite curious to see this other films now (this is my first) including his other apparent spy spoofs

-I don’t think I ever saw a single reload in this entire film; just a twirl of the guns like playing an arcade cabinet

-the organization the villain (Arthur Loveday) hires to throw no 1 off his tracks, KRASH (Kill Rape Arson Slaughter Hit) is wonderfully conceived and executed (dig that shave by gun bullets)

-the film occasionally has lag, but papers over it with its brash enthusiasm

-for what it aims to be, a high bullseye

[imaginemycroftholmes]

Mycroft Submission form

Name:

Raija

Age (note that if you are under the age of consent your score will be significantly lower for Marriage, Friendship and Partnership):

32

Gender:

Female

Occupation:

I work as a librarian, but I have a degree in human resources.

Nationality:

Finnish

Country of origin:

Finland

Personality type (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator):

ISFJ (did the test online and it seems legit)

Education:

Human resources at college

Marital Status (if not applicable put N/A):

single

Number of children (if not applicable put N/A):

none, I have a cat and that’s more than enough

Who would you shoot out of John, Sherlock, Mycroft and why:

John, he pisses me off too often. I would prank Sherlock if he got on my nerves.

Height:

168.5 cm

Position in the family (oldest, youngest, middle):

That kind of depends which way one is looking at it. I am mum’s youngest, dad’s oldest and all in all I have a big brother and two little sisters. So a middle one, with a twist.

Best subject:

History

Favorite Subject:

History and English

Worst subject:

Maths and Swedish

Last song listened to:

Alice Cooper’s Paranormal

Favorite color:

deep green

Thoughts on Molly and Sherlock’s impending relationship:

I wish they got a move on.

Illness/allergies/impairments:

Overweight with a bad back and knees and mushrooms give me a stomach ache

Last sentence uttered to another living human being:

I love you. (To mum)

Hair color/length:

A bit under shoulders and dyed dark brown

Who do you feel more sympathy for Sgt. Donovan or Anderson’s wife:

The wife

Eye color:

brownish green

Constantly cold, hot or prefect:

Too damn hot (to handle)

Seven Noteworthy skills (ex: can play an instrument, fire most guns, ride a unicycle, etc.):

-       I can smile innocently while wanting desperately to shoot someone (thanks  to customer service experience)

-       I can quote most of the elvish in the Fellowship of the Ring

-       I have a lot of dirt on people and have kept their secrects for years

-       I am excellent at falling down on flat surfaces

-       I can usually find the information the customer needs given a bit of time

-       One can trust my word

-       I know how to make bread (it’s a new skill)

Nine noticeable sins: (ex: moody, bad listener, selfish, etc.):

-       I am a bitch when I am hungry

-       I get roadrage

-       I get offended easily when I feel I am wrongly accused and I can’t let it go either

-       I am lazy

I am foul mouthed

-       I like to shop, a lot

-       I am messy

-       I like the 6th Doctor

-       I always mean what I say, I just don’t always mean to say them out loud

Languages known/spoken:

Finnish of course, English, some Swedish, some German, some Russian, some Spanish and I have studied Latin as well. I am fluent in only Finnish and English,

Cats, dogs, both or other:

I own a cat, but I like them both

How often you help your community (1 never, 2 sometimes when prompted, 3 average, 4 often, 5 weekly):

Depends what do you mean by helping, I don’t volunteer for example, but I donate a lot good stuff (unused clothes for example) to local flea market that is run by the unemployed peole and aimed for them as well.

Favorite Holmes family member:

Mycroft Holmes

Body type (1 obese, 2 overweight, 3 averages, 4 fit, 5 skinny):

1

Number of past lovers (put N/A if virgin or not seeking marriage):

N/A

Level of cleanliness (5 slobs, 4 messy, 3 average, 2 pretty clean and 1 spotless):

4

Would you rather piss off Sherlock or Mycroft:

Sherlock

Rate your mental health on a scale of 1-5 with one being terrible and 5 being fine:

3, been better and been worse. I am alright.

Rate your confidence on a scale of 1-5 with 1 being poor and 5 being Sherlock levels:

3, on a good day 4

Combat level (1 sitting duck, 2 somewhat okay, 3 can hold their own, 4 pretty damn good, 5 a proficient fighter):

1

Circle of friends:

3 close ones, 2 pretty close ones and a lot people that I like, but aren’t exactly close friends.

Who do you side with more Sherlock or Mycroft:

Mycroft, I know how it feels to be the responsible one (and we are not taking mummy’s opinion on this one)

Level of intelligence on a scale of 1-5:

3, I am average and I know it. Why pretend?

Who do you side with more Mycroft or Mrs. Hudson:

Mycroft most of the time

Introvert or Extrovert:

Ambivert, which is a bit of both and yes it is actually a used term. I didn’t get it out of thin air.

Political alignment:

Labour

Who would your rather be trapped in a long car ride with Mummy Holmes or Holmes Senior: 

Holmes senior

Go to outfit for everyday:

black jeans, nice t-shirt, biker jacket and high heeled boots, all black

Go to outfit to impress:

One of my little black dresses and blood red heels

5 hobbies (not to be confused with noteworthy skills):

-       books                      - whiskey

-       sudoku

-       walking

-       movies

Opinion of Rosie Watson and Mary Watson:

Rosie is an innocent child and Mary… I quite liked her.

Favorite music/book/movies:

I have lately listened a lot of punk, but I prefer the dark tones of gothic music. I can’t name one band because I like so many. Lord of the rings is my all time favourite book. There are a lot of movies that I greatly enjoy, but I like the old horror movies quite a bit.

How well you take rejection on a scale from 1-5:

I am not good at it, so 2 because I try to have a bit of dignity. But I will avoid the person for a long while.

Religious or religious affliations:

I am an atheist

Kids or no (note this is wanting them not the ability to have them):

No, but if one comes even after all the things I’ve done to prevent it, then they will be welcome.

Out of the Holmes family (Siger, Violet, Sherlock and Eurus) who would you kill, maim, kiss or roommate with and why:

I would kill Eurus, I have no emotional attachment to her and she would happily kill me. I would maim Violet because I am still too angry at her I would kiss Sherlock because why the fuck not? And I would roommate with Siger, because he is the least annoying

Do you think what Mycroft did with Eurus (at the time) was justified and needed:

I just don’t know. But I do believe he did his best with what he had to work with.

Please bold the following that you wish to have with Mr. Holmes:

Friendship

Partnership

Marriage

Mentorship

My three questions

Parents buy cookies for their kids. They are saving money so they buy two discounted ones (few days after best before). They don’t want to look greedy so they also buy two cookies for the full price. When they come home their two kids grab cookies, and each get two. They don’t check best before so their choice is random. Do you think that life is fair and each kid gets one expired and one good cookie? Or one kid gets both expired? What is more likely to happen?

- Life isn’t fair, but a chance is a chance and nothing is impossible in this world. Just highly improbable. So I really don’t know what kind of cookies each child got, but in the end, does it really matter? Each got two cookies and I think the children wouldn’t give a damn if the parents kept their trap shut. The children were happy to have cookies, just leave it at that.

Prison guards are bored so during dinner they announce the prisoners that they will play a game: In the morning they will stand in a line so that every prisoner will see all standing in front of him but no one behind him. Guards will randomly paint red or white stripe on their back. They will ask prisoners one by one from the last to the first. They will be allowed to say just one word “red” or “white”. If the prisoner says the color he has on his back he may go home in opposite case he will be executed without delay. The prisoners are in one cell during the night and they can discuss the tactics. Which is the best? How many will survive?

- There is an explanation to this I am sure, but since I am rebel (and a bit of idiot with these kind of questions) I am going to think outside the box and say they will all survive because the guards will have a mutiny in their hands and the prisoners refuse to play. It’s better to serve the sentence than leave their life in the hands of shithead guards. I mean the guards could watch football and read a book if they are bored. Fucking wankers.

Once upon a time there was a kingdom. A king and a clown lived in this kingdom. Unfortunately they hated each other so they agreed that they will poison each other one day. There are only twelve vials of poison in whole kingdom and they are locked in one chamber in the castle. The poisons have numbers from 1 to 12. The higher the number the stronger the poison. Effect on human body is simple – you drink the poison, you die. Each stronger poison neutralizes all weaker poisons which means that poison 12 neutralizes all poisons, number 11 all poisons but 12 etc. (If you drink 11 and than 12 nothing happens. If you drink 12 and than 11 you die.) The king enters the chamber with poisons first and takes all the even poisons (2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12). Than the clown enters and takes the rest. They meet in the throne hall where each fills one cup and hands it over to the other who immediately drinks it. Now each fills the cup once again, now for himself, and drinks it (hoping to save his own life). What did the clown do that he woke up the second morning and the king was dead? Premises: Each of them (the king and the clown) PRIMARILY wants to survive. If he survives he wants to poison the other as surely as possible. There is one dose of each poison – it’s not possible to divide it. The poisons are fluids without color or smell and they have the same consistency as water

- Absolutely no idea.

Questions 1/3

Friendship: 7.38/10

Mycroft’s answer:

Well Raija, it is always good to acquire new contacts but as a newly formed acquaintance might I suggest hiring a driver or cab to help alleviate road rage? I must confess that like my brother I too had a bad habit with such (which is why he’s not allowed to drive considering he’s mister ‘we can afford a new car every month for the rest of my life anyway so what’s the big deal Mycroft’) ; the urge to run smash my car into the offending party was almost unbearable as it was unthinkable but even I can admit that I’m not always the better man when it comes to patience and virtue.

 Although I am a bit surprised John peeve you so greatly (there are times when the man annoys me just because he won’t follow my lead as opposed to Sherlock’s) but am quite on the same point with you when it concerns Miss Hooper and Sherlock’s relationship. For years since the pair have interacted I had hoped MIss Hooper would either buck up to make a move or at the very least Sherlock would come to his senses and throw her a bone. Who would of thought Eurus would be the one to force Sherlock to face those feelings that he’s long since ignored or for Molly to be as brave as to confess them (even if all of us Mrs Hudson included already knew) aloud. it was something that I had not initially planned for but despite the circumstances and deaths along the way I cannot say that I am not somewhat pleased by their development from all of it. Now if I can only get them to marry within my lifetime that would certainly help me die peacefully knowing that the Holmes line will live on.

I must confess Sudoku is a guilty pleasure of mine simply because I enjoy  solving the puzzles (even if it usually is simple mathematics) at my leisure between flights. I have yet to find an app on my cellular device that gives me the same quality of puzzles without crashing but rest assured when it is made you’ll be the first to know. I find that Sudoku in other languages to be a bit more difficult to do as translations are not always 100% correct but enjoy them no the less. Now doing the crosswords for the Beijing paper-now that is something that only a mad woman like Eurus would do for the fun of it.

Languages may be a forte of mine (as it is with the rest of the Holmes clan) but recalling all the characters in the Chinese language which are often borrowed by other Asian countries makes for a migraine inducing sit when you know more than one language. As someone that knows more than one and is attempting to add more to your repertoire I’m sure you of all people Raija will understand.

I will send you a text at your convenience and I look forward to our blossoming friendship. 

-M

[mensusaonlinestore1]

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