#no ‘you’re too young to know whether you’d want such a major surgery’

[thesixthstar]

Cis women regularly get breast reduction surgery (and augmentations!!!) of varying degrees for many reasons, including cosmetic, sensory, dysphoria, back pain, whatever, and while they are sometimes judged, as long as they are Fully Grown and safe to have surgery, no one is turning them away or saying they Can’t Do That. (Usually only reductions due to back pain are covered by insurance and even that can be difficult to get covered under some plans but that’s another topic)

This should apply to pretty much every similar surgery.

controversial opinion but top surgery and other trans healthcare shouldnt be trans exclusive. so what if an autistic woman wants top surgery because boobs are a sensory nightmare?? good on her. she isnt "mutilating" herself any more than anyone else who gets cosmetic surgery for anything.

it doesnt have to be exclusively "trans healthcare." maybe a cis guy just wants boobs or a cis girl wants a dick. who cares. your bodys yours. customize that bitch. the more normalized it is to just do whatever with your body for any reason the easier itll be for the people who need to do it to actually go through with it because they wont be socially pressured as hard or harassed afterwards.

[desperationandgin]

Deep as the Road is Long (Part II, Chapter 14)

Rating: MA for Major Angst

Also Read on: AO3

Previous Chapter

A/N:  Time to put the pieces back together after this, slowly but surely. I promise ❤️

May 2016

It’s been two weeks since Faith’s funeral. Claire isn’t sure why she’s still in Scotland; whether it’s guilt or love or a combination of both. Jamie’s certainly done nothing to help clear it up for her and she doesn’t expect him to. Maybe she hasn’t left because she knows once she does, she’ll likely never see him again. Something in her wants to keep him close, while at the same time she knows she should go. Her life can’t stay on hold forever and she isn’t helping anymore. Everything that she can do has been done and it will never be close to enough. More than never having Jamie again though, now she’ll never see the people in his family she’s gotten to know and enjoy. Jenny, of course, though it had taken days to get the woman to speak directly to her. Ian has been most of Claire’s source of comfort. He seems to know when she needs a dram and pulls her aside. They don’t often speak during those moments, but Christ does she appreciate him for keeping her sane.

She hasn’t asked Jamie if he wants her to go anywhere; if he wants her to stay in the same bed as him, even. He’s never said anything, and as she tries to recall what they’ve spoken of lately nothing comes to mind. They hardly speak two words all day to one another. Or, more accurately, she tries to talk to him and he says nothing. She tries not to take it personally, seeing as how he doesn’t speak much at all in general to anyone but young Jamie and little Maggie and Katherine. He spends long hours holding either baby Michael or Janet, sitting along the couch with his knees raised so that the baby can rest against them. He speaks to them softly, mostly in Gaelic, when Claire catches sight of him. She stands upstairs in the shadows listening, able to make it out each time he smiles in his speech or when something makes his breath hitch. Never once has she interrupted, and always she’s in bed before he decides to let the babies sleep in their bassinet.

Today was hard for him, for everyone: Faith’s birthday. No one quite knew what to do, how to celebrate it, or not. The indecision and not knowing led Claire to the cemetery late in the day, placing flowers on the fresh grave. She stays for an hour at least, but she sees no one else and finally goes back to Lallybroch where everyone seems to be busy doing other things. Anything to keep their minds off of the date. Wandering through the large home, Claire tries to imagine Faith in the hallways, running after being told not to, shouts of careful! on the stairs from every adult. At the back of the property, there’s an outdoor playhouse that was very clearly Faith’s. All of the pink and gold makes it obvious fairly quickly, and Claire can’t help but wonder if it will stay. Will Jenny’s children play in it or will it be taken away, too heavy a reminder for the family? It means something to see it now, still as it was before Faith was ever diagnosed; proof that once, everything was normal. Once, her father built her something in the hopes of years and years of playing and laughter. As she stares at it, Claire wipes away a stray tear, sniffling and wrapping her arms around herself.

In a house and estate as large as Lallybroch, it’s difficult not to feel as though there are ghosts watching. All Claire can hope now is that with the amount of family Jamie’s lost, his little girl is well taken care of, unafraid. She’d promised Faith that her father would be surrounded by people who love him, and as she walks back inside now, she has an urgent hope that Faith is just as surrounded, that she knows how very much everyone loves her.

Indoors, Claire goes up to the room only to find Jamie already there, sitting at the end of the bed and leaning over, elbows on his knees. Joining him, she sits close and reaches out to touch his shoulder, not surprised when he doesn’t move at all. He has a fuller beard now, one she would be happy to shave for him but resists asking.

“Did she say anything, Claire?”

The question throws her for a moment; just the sound of his voice after not hearing him speak a full sentence to her in days is enough to startle her. “What?”

Jamie looks at her as if she’s daft before rephrasing. “Faith, did she--did she speak before…”

When she reaches out and tries to cover his hand with her own and he pulls away, Claire blinks quickly, folding her hands in her lap. “No, Jamie. She never woke up.”

“So it was peaceful, then?”

Swallowing heavily, there’s an inhale and a long exhale from her before she speaks again. “Yes, Jamie. It was. I promise.”

The sound he makes comes from the back of his throat, almost like a scoff but with so much more implied that it sounds a bit like disgust.

She realizes what she said, too late.

“I have to take yer word for it then, and only yours.”

“Jamie…”

“Ye promise? Just as ye promised you’d fix her?” He stands to pace, forehead furrowed as he thinks. “Do you remember that, Claire? The promise ye made me?”

When she finds her voice, opening her mouth very nearly leads to losing her stomach contents instead of words. “I remember, Jamie.” A whisper; not attempting to defend herself, she simply answers the question.

“I put everything I had into ye. When ye promised me that ye could take care of her, I believed you, Claire.” He stops, back to her, hands on his hips. “Do ye deny it? That ye told me you could make her well again?”

Claire frowns at that, gaze blurry as she tries to remember back far enough. “I did promise you, but I promised that I would do my best, Jamie, not--”

“Your best still ended wi’ my daughter in the ground.” His voice is low when he speaks, and now he turns to face Claire. “Your best wasna good enough.”

When she looks up at him it makes her want to shrink away but she blinks quickly, holding her head up high only because she refuses to cry. “I know it wasn’t. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jamie.”

“No’ only did ye fail to save my daughter, ye convinced me, ye…” He closes his eyes tightly, jaw clenching. “Ye made me go, and I missed it. I missed the moment of her last breath.”

“I didn’t make you do anything you didn’t need to. You needed to get up, Jamie. Christ, it had been days. I couldn’t have known what would--”

“Aye, but it isna your place to treat me!” he snaps, for the first time truly yelling. “I was no’ your patient! Faith was! And ye sent me off for God knows what and she died alone!”

The words hurt and sting in a way that makes Claire want to claw at her own skin. “She wasn’t alone, Jamie.” When she speaks, she doesn’t seem to recognize her own voice; it’s hollow and tinny, the opposite of strong and sure.

“Oh, aye, ye were there wi’ her. Someone who hardly kent her, no’ her own father, but good enough.”

“I tried, Jamie!” Claire finally yells in return, standing now to face him fully. “I tried to save her and I couldn’t! I made the nurses try to find you but it was too late, Jamie. It was too late, and I didn’t...I couldn’t…” Her hands are gesturing uselessly. She hadn’t been able to get Faith to stay alive long enough for Jamie to say goodbye.

“I should have been there, and it’s your fault that I wasna even close to her. Takin’ a piss or just outside in the hallway, that’s fine. But ye sent me outside, downstairs for the fresh air. Ye kent she was dying but ye had me go sae far from her,” he says, choking on the words.

It hadn’t been that far, not really, but she won’t argue it. It might as well have been an ocean between them. “I didn’t send you out of the room so that you would miss it! For Christ’s sake, Jamie, I wanted you to get outside for a moment! To stretch and breathe fresh air. Yes, I tried to take care of you because I wanted to.”

Jamie just stares at her, the muscles of his jaw working to tense, clench, then somewhat relax. “Ye should have put that caring into Faith. No’ me.”

“I could have taken care of you both!”

“Clearly not.”

Those two words are like being thrown into scalding water, and Claire stares at him in confusion and hurt. She’s blamed herself the entire time, but a part of her, deep down, hoped that he would reassure her. Take her into his arms and explain that he understood these things happened, it was outside of her control and ultimately they would heal. But instead he’s doubled down and she has all of the proof she needs: this was her fault. It was her fault; there were other therapies she could have tried, the stem-cells didn’t have to be the go-to, she could have offered surgery, could have done a higher dose of chemo, could have, should have.

“You’re right, Jamie.”

The words sound like they’re coming from somewhere else, certainly not her. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I…” She hangs her head and tries to come up with the right words. “I’m sorry I let you down.” But it’s so much more than that, isn’t it? She didn’t let him down. She let his child die on her watch. When she finds her footing again, her steps take her to her suitcase, reaching out to put her purse over her shoulder after making sure all of her things are tucked away. “I’m leaving. You don’t… you don’t need me anymore. Maybe you never did, I don’t know.” As she goes, unshed tears make her throat thick. “For whatever it’s worth, Jamie, I would trade places with your daughter in a heartbeat.”

She waits for him to say something, anything to acknowledge that she’s leaving. When he doesn’t, she turns to walk out of the room without a word, saying nothing else to him. All the way down the hall and stairs she waits for it, waits to hear him call out for her, but she’s far from romantic plots filled with revelations and apologies. It’s real, his hurt and his grief, her own emotions, and right now she’s the reason Faith is dead. There’s no one to intercept her as she leaves, goes to her rental car and drives away. Finding the nearest small town, Claire parks and pays for a hotel room, checking herself in, looking like a woman on the edge as she does. The fight within herself to not breakdown is only won until she’s in her hotel room with the door just barely closed behind her. She drops like a stone against the wall, shattering into pieces so small she can’t ever possibly be complete again. She sobs until it hurts and her throat is raw, and then merely makes her way to the mini fridge to sit beside it. Opening the door, she shoots back the first three bottles (all of them vodka), then opens a fourth, then a fifth. It would have been better to stop off and get a bottle of something. Cheaper, no doubt.

Claire has no awareness of how much time has passed by the time her mouth feels dry enough to take stock of it. An attempt is made to count the little bottles (ten, she thinks) before giving up. Standing, she stumbles to the bed and sinks into it on her side, but instead of sleep, more tears come. She had no idea there was anything left, and she sobs, curled tightly on her side. The only thing that makes them stop is exhaustion finally, blessedly, kicking in. Sleep she’s ignored in favor of soothing Jamie’s nightmares and telling herself if she took care of him, maybe he would never (could never) think she knew the moment Faith would take her last breath and send him away. Her last conscious thought is that everything, all of it, is her fault.

She sleeps for twelve hours and when she wakes, there’s only one thing to do, really. In less than eight hours, Claire’s on a plane heading back to the States, leaving everything she thought she had in Scotland behind.

Next Chapter

[drferox]

Pet Insurance

To be honest, I'm not totally convinced with this whole 'Pet Insurance' thing.

It certainly exists, and it's becoming increasingly common, but it's not exactly a good product and it's getting harder to recommend to my pet owning clients, as well as a general pain in the patootie to get money of sometimes. I have to say, I'm becoming increasingly disappointed and disillusioned with it.

I got curious the other day and looked up what it would cost me to get Accident & Illness cover for Trash Bag. No preventative care (it's cheap enough for me anyway as I can do a lot myself), just for sicknesses and illnesses. He's a 2yo neutered male, indoor only cat. He's a really low risk cat, and that's a quote without pouring through his medical history or pre-existing conditions. Even though any issues he'd had before taking out insurance would have been automatically excluded.

And it's still about $600 for the year, with only reimbursing 75% of the bills back, with no excess. What that means in real terms is that I'd have to have a $1200 vet bill in order for me to break even with pet insurance.

That would be plausible, with the median sort of 'expensive' vet bill for a stay at a 24 hour clinic or major surgery being around $3k, but the odds of that actually happening for me are extremely unlikely at his age.

Now, it might be a good deal, if I could expect to have that rate for his entire life. But that isn't going to happen.

Pet Insurance in Australia will guarantee 'lifetime cover' but what that means is not that you're paying this rate for the animal's entire life, but that they will give you a new offer of cover every year and it's up to you to accept it. They can't stop covering my cat, but they can make it more expensive every year so maybe I'll stop covering my cat. If they don't want to cover me, they will make me an offer they hope I will refuse.

Let's say I have a lot of small claims. The insurer might amend their letter of offer to include a $100 excess. That means I have to pay the first $100 of any vet bill on my own, and now they reimburse me 75% of the rest. So for a $100 vet bill, I can't claim anything. For a $200 vet bill, I get $75 back, and I'm still paying at least $600 a year at this point. Now I need a $1500 vet bill to break even.

They may also limit the amount payable for certain types of things. For example, a lot of the Australian policies have a $300 annual limit on consultation fees. In practice that translates to about 5 consults with a general practice vet, or two with a specialist. That's not a whole lot if you've got a pet with something chronic.

Tick paralysis and cruciate ligament injury have annual limits to their payouts too, and they're not quite what these things would really cost to treat.

And to add to the deception, some insurers will exclude bilateral conditions. If your pet had a sore eye one year, they may exclude all eye conditions going forward, even if they're not related, and even for the unaffected eye. Sometimes they will exclude unrelated conditions for the same organ system. Demodex as a puppy? Wont cover skin allergies now.

Pet insurance works like a bet. You're betting that your pet will get sick, and the insurer is betting that it wont. If you win, you get paid out.

But if the insurer doesn't like those odds, they change them, or they change the rules for the payout. They're not going to lose, they're going to change the rules to make sure of it, and you either agree to their terms or you stop playing.

So how do they make you stop playing?

The insurer is entitled to increase the cost of the pet insurance policy each year, based on the age of the pet and previous claims. Or they can increase the excess you pay for each claim. Or they can exclude covering conditions that you've claimed for in the past.

Progressively, it gets more and more expensive to cover your pet for less and less, and this is something veterinarians are progressively less happy about.

Now, if we were talking about a car and not a cat, you could take your quote and shop around for a better deal. But the catch with pet insurance is that if you switch providers, then suddenly everything you've ever claimed for, or that appeared in the medical history, now counts as a pre-existing condition and wont be covered. You lose coverage by switching providers, and probably don't save all that much.

Oh, there is, to my current knowledge, only two insurance underwriters for pet insurance in Australia right now. So of the 200 or so brands out there, 199 are actually all written by the same mob. Because that's not ripe for corruption at all...

Every 12 months, the insurer can review and change your premiums, excess, excluded conditions and rebate rate.

And unlike human health insurance where you scan a card, the total comes off your bill, and you pay the rest, with pet insurance you're still paying the vet clinic everything up front, and then get money back after your claim is processed, which may be a few months.

Pet insurance companies are really trying not to pay out, they want to make money, not give it away.

This makes writing medical histories a little bit tricky, because it's not vets reviewing the history to decide what they will and wont pay out on. If the insurance employee doesn't know what pemphigus folleaceous is, they might decide not to pay out. Then I have to call them up, request a review, talk it through, or send more documentation to explain what's going on.

Pet Insurance requests, demands, access to the pet's medical history. It's not like human insurance where they just see an itemized invoice. And this makes vets not entirely happy about handing over medical histories all the time when client's money is at stake. Especially when any potential mention of a vaccine preventable illness gets the whole claim thrown out, even if it's in the differentials list and not the final diagnosis.

So pet insurance is nice to have if you end up with a single, large vet bill, but it's not so helpful for chronic conditions, and you still need access to that cash BEFORE you get any back.

So, honestly, it just wouldn't work for me, and I'm a vet.

The point I would like to get to, other than Pet Insurance in general needing to be better regulated and honestly a bit of a gamble, is that is can't be used as a solution to everyone's problem, especially after a pet is already sick. You still need cash to pay the bills up front, even with pet insurance.

There are other options besides pet insurance. I can never recommend against it, but I do recommend people understand what they're signing up for, and as long as they've got some sort of plan in place for paying vet bills that's okay.

Popular in my area is just using a mortgage redraw facility. With these home loans you can pay extra into your mortgage each week/fortnight/month and it counts against the interest you pay, as a method to pay it down early. But because it's being paid 'early' you can withdraw the extra funds again if you need them, such as for a vet bill. It functions like a savings account, but you're paying down a debt you already have instead of accruing interest.

An emergency credit card is another option, one you just keep paid off unless you genuinely need it.

And 3rd party payment plans exist. Most vet clinics will not do their own payment plans, or will not admit to ever offering them, because we simply don't want people to rely on the vet clinic, a small business, taking on the financial risk on behalf of the owners because, frankly, most people never pay. This is especially true if the pet dies. A clinic might offer them for immediate life saving treatment if they know the client well, but the emergency last resort should never be anybody's number one plan. That's not fair.

Wonka also does not have pet insurance. I asked a couple of insurers at an industry exhibit once whether, because he has a neurological condition, whether he'd be covered for a broken leg if he fell off the couch. And none of them could assure me they would, in case in fell off because of the neurological condition. And that was not reassuring.

So when do I recommend pet insurance? Well I kind of don’t, specifically. I advise which companies other clients have been happy with, and what sort of things a pet owner needs to look for in terms of exclusions, limits, and fine print.

There are always some breeds I do recommend it for, because they are disasters waiting to happen, and for many young animals when the insurance is still cheap, nothing is pre-existing and we don’t yet know if they have a congenital condition, at least for that first 12-18 months of life. There are some you can look at as puppies and be highly suspicious this animal is going to be a money sink.

I see a lot of internet comments saying “should have had pet insurance!” or “go get pet insurance!” on various posts about affording pets or vet bills or emergencies, but pet insurance doesn’t help at all in these scenarios. Pet insurance gives you money back, you had to already have had money in the first place to take advantage of it. Pet insurance is no panacea or cure-all.

I just have a savings account. Putting aside what you would have paid in pet insurance anyway is a decent estimate for how much you’d need to save for a normal pet.

This post was accessed early by my Patreon Supporters.

[imagineclaireandjamie]

I’m struggling with anorexia. Would you be comfortable writing one about how Jamie would react if Claire were anorexic?

The Meeting - Part 1

In the pale light of the fake Christmas tree,Claire sat with her hands joined in her lap. It hadn’t been her idea to jointhe group, but her friend (and colleague) Joe had convinced her it was the bestthing. Looking deep into her eyes he had used his least offensive doctor voiceto tell her it was this -- or hospitalisation.

 “So,” the overly cheery host began as everyoneelse settled into their seats.

 It was cold and uncomfortable in the backroom ofthe town hall which they gathered, but at least everyone seemed friendly.

 The scent of the coffee she held between herfingers drifted upwards, covering her face in a comforting warmth as she triedto refocus in on what was being said in the circle surrounding her but she washaving difficulty adapting.

 “Claire, you’re new, would you care to share?”

 His badge, she finally noticed, read ‘John’ inlarge bold font. And now, not only his, but all of the eyes in the circle werefocused on her. She felt her cheeks pink, the attention causing her heart rateto pick up pace as she gripped her cup tighter. Suddenly her mouth was too dryto speak, the idea of unleashing all of her demons onto the strangers in frontof her sending cold shivers down her spine.

 “You don’t have to.” He continued, his browsdrawn together as he watched her shudder minutely. “This is a safe space, youcan open up any time you feel.”

 “N-no,” she shuttered, the words eventuallyleaving her mouth as she smiled shyly, “might as well rip the plaster off andget started.” She whispered, to herself more than to anyone else.

 Standing, she let the legs of the chair scrapeacross the hardwood floor as she imagined the vast array of people around herto be patients in her care rather than a jury of her peers. “Hello, as Johnsaid, I’m Claire.” Speaking with confidence now, she stood still with her legstogether as if she were addressing family waiting in a relations room. “I firststarted trying to control my relationship with food when my husband left me. Itwas a slow build, really. One I didn’t pay much attention to until I fainted atwork just before a major surgery but gradually, over the period of about ayear, I stopped eating breakfast and lunch and barely ate tea.”

 There were a couple of sympathetic nods frommembers of the group (populated by a range of old and young, male and female)all of whom seemed to understand how the beast of this illness grew withinuntil you no longer recognised the person you’d started off as.

 She took a breath then, happy that a sort ofsubtle stillness had fallen on the semi-silent room. A mumble of ‘hello,Claire’’s echoed around the room as she took a sip of her drink and satback down again, tucking her skirt under her legs so that the cold plasticchair didn’t touch her bare skin.

 The rest of the meeting passed by in a blur asJohn re-introduced himself and a range of others stood to inform the oldermembers of the group of their progress but Claire had stopped listening.Instead she allowed her vision to glaze, the sound of the dripping pipe behindher captivating her as the hour ticked on. At least her name had been tickedoff the register. Joe would know she’d attended - and participated.

 Of everyone in her life, Joe Abernathy was theonly one who held any sway over her. He’d kept her fainting a mystery at work,withholding the information from the board so that she had enough time to seekhelp on her own rather than be questioned at length and forced down a differentpath by her employers.

 “You’re a doctor, Lady Jane,” Joe had saidcautiously, using his pet name for her to soften the blow, “you cannot treatpatients if you’re not well yourself.”

 She had tried to argue with him, to debate theissue and deny that anything was wrong - but it was too late for that. The deepbags around her eyes (that had little to do with the amount of hours she workedand the lack of sleep) showed the extent of her malnutrition, as did the deepcurve of her collarbones. She was gaunt, too skinny to be healthy but she’dtaken all of the mirrors down in her own home and avoided the glare of themirror every time she used the bathrooms at work and so hadn’t taken stock ofherself in a good six months.

 Before she knew it, Claire was collecting hercoat, pulling the hood up and heading off into the night -escaping the tepidair of the hall as fast as she could. She didn’t think about where her feetwere taking her, but she was soon sat in the corner of the closest bar with anaged whisky between her fingers.

 “Is anyone sat here?” A deep baritone asked, hislow voice making her turn abruptly as she looked up into the eyes of the guywho’d interrupted her thoughts.

 “No, help yourself.” She said arching her freehand towards the empty seat as if to invite him to sit.

 “Ye seemed kind of distant tonight.” Hecontinued after he’d sat down, his head cocked to the side and a small smileplaying on his lips as he took a swig of his own beverage.

 “I’m sorry,” she asked, confused, “do I knowyou?”

 “Yer Claire, aye? Ye were at the meeting thisevening. For eating disorders, aye?”

 An embarrassed laugh bubbled in her throat andClaire struggled to contain it as she held her crystal tumbler in front of herface. “Oh, sorry. I guess you were right, I was distracted...distant even.”

 “Dinna apologise. We all were on a first fewsessions. It’s that crucial moment when yer figuring out whether it’s the rightthing for you, whether it’ll actually help and if yer ready to even open yermouth. But, and ye can trust me on this, it is right. John is brilliant, thoughI’ve never seen him be so direct as to ask a newbie whether they want to sharebefore. He’s usually much more subtle.”

 Snorting Claire recalled the moment Joe hadmentioned the group and it suddenly became clear why John had been so forward.

 “It’s because he knows about me.”

 “Och, knows about ye but doesna ken ye?”

 “That’s right. He knows my friend, Joe. He’s themain reason I’m there really. What about you?”

 She could see the moment the memory sparkedbehind his eyes and immediately she wanted to take back her question - thoughshe assumed he’d shared his reasons many times before. Sitting in the dankcorner of an unknown bar, out of the safe space designated to them in the weehall, it felt different, less simple maybe.

 “You don’t have to tell me, I didn’t mean to--”

 “No, dinna apologise. Turnabout is fair play,aye? I ken about ye it’s only right that ye want to know about me”

 “It’s just more difficult, isn’t it?”

 “Aye. It is. More complex, maybe.”

 A silence fell over them, the sweet tang of theair sending an intoxicating ripple through them both. It allowed Claire tofocus on the music playing in the background - White Christmas, she realisedbelatedly. Christmas seemed like an abstract season at the moment, when herlife was so up in the air, but December had begun and so Glasgow hadtransformed into something altogether too festive in an instant.

 “You could start by re-telling me your namethen.” She asked, her shoulders relaxing as he leaned forwards, his armsresting on the table between them.

 He paused for a moment, just long enough forClaire to realise that his mere presence had relaxed her almost instantly. Hereyes caught his, the seedy lighting making his pale complexion seem almostradiant and she smiled - an involuntary lifting of her lips that he mirroredimmediately.

 “It’s James Fraser, Jamie to my friends.”

 “Lovely to meet you, Jamie...or should I stickto the more formal -James- until we’re better acquainted?”

 “I dinna think we need to stand on ceremony. Iwas in the army for long enough to know that isna necessary.”

 “Military man, eh?” She asked, quirking a browas she clinked her glass with his. She could see, though, the storm buildingbehind the blue of his eyes. It was then she saw the turmoil cross his face,the almost unconscious scrunch of his features that revealed the tumult within.She couldn’t, of course, understand the finite details of the thing whichhaunted him but she saw the toxic darkness of it swishing around beneath hisskin as he pursed his lips, blinked rapidly and recovered suddenly as if it hadnever been there in the first place.   

 “Aye, I was. That’s how John and I ken oneanother. We served at the same time. Were released at a similar time.” Hisvoice was raspy now, as if all of the moisture had vanished from his mouthbefore he spoke.

 “Shall we get out of here?” The noise suddenlyburst around them, piercing the bubble that had surrounded them and allowing arowdiness to sever the silence. “Go somewhere more private?” Claire didn’t giveherself time to think about what she was asking, but something about him calledto her and before she could stop she’d spoken.

 “I ken a place. Ye have a warm coat, I hope?” Hereplied, a real smile lighting his face.

 “Yes. Let’s go.”

[bettsplendens]

I... I can't visit the site. My parents blocked it. Thank you, though.

Then I’ll copy/paste the whole thing below. And that’s not a good thing, by the way, your parents blocking a sex ed website. 

(though you probably should be not on a lot of parts of tumblr if you’re underage. There’s a lot of unhealthy stuff on here.)

(This is a response to a young teen’s question, similar to yours, hence the reference to “your mother�� being present.)

Having a gynecological exam isn't a punishment: gynecological exams are checkups for our reproductive system, just like the yearly checkups you may get for your whole body from a family doctor or clinic.

In a person's teens or twenties, either after having at least somewhat regular periods, after becoming sexually active, or because of some sort of reproductive health concern, question or issue, we may begin the habit of having a yearly exam or even just a consult with a gynecologist or a general healthcare provider who can provide gynecological healthcare. It's smart to check in with a reproductive/sexual healthcare provider every year or two as part of our overall preventative healthcare. Your mother most likely isn't punishing you, she's probably trying to help care for your health, especially if you've expressed something to her that might be an issue for you, like severe pain with your period, for example.

Do you need to go when you're very young and you haven't been at all sexually active yet (in other words, had any kind of genital sex)? No. It's not a need yet, especially if you're not having any issues when it comes to your period or any kind of pelvic or vulvar pain or discomfort.

In fact, if you do go now, not having been sexually active at all, and if you have no issues you need investigated -- like severe menstrual cramps or an absent period -- it's likely your first visit won't involve an actual exam at all, but will be more like the general physical you get at your yearly checkup from your family doctor. You may even just have a consultation, where you and the doctor just talk.

An OB/GYN -- or a family doctor or general health clinic providing those services -- should base what they do to your individual needs, and we feel like as soon as you can get started is a good time to go because it helps get you in that good habit early. As well, often we notice that the longer people wait to go, the more fear and anxiety they build up about an exam needlessly. Since a majority of our readers at Scarleteen are in their mid-to-late teens or early twenties, and many have been sexually active, we generally recommend our readers get yearly sexual and reproductive healthcare, which often includes gynecological exams.

There's no need to be scared about your first gynecological visit, though, no matter what it entails.

Be sure either you or your mother express to the doctor that it is your first visit, and feel free to communicate to the staff that you're nervous. Many people do feel nervous before a first exam: doctors know that and will want to make sure you're emotionally comfortable. Ask that the doctor tell you what (s)he is doing and why as (s)he does it. It is up to you to let the doctor know what you need to be comfortable. If you want your mother in the room with you, or want her to leave, let both of them know. If your doctor is male and that makes you uncomfortable, you can ask to have a nurse in the room. Be sure and communicate with your doctor, and if for any reason (s)he seems rushed or uncooperative with your needs, cancel the appointment and find another doctor.

My mother (a hospital administrator and infectious disease whiz) also suggests writing down all the questions you may have about your health, your cycles, and any issues that make you nervous ahead of time, and bringing that list with you for the doctor to address. Smart lady, my Mom.

If you're getting an exam, here's how the whole thing goes.

Be sure to relax, and use the bathroom first to empty your bladder or bowels. Having to go to the bathroom during an exam is not a fun experience.

Your doctor will begin with:

Some questions about your medical history you and your mother will answer together (or, if you've asked to go the whole visit alone, which you'll answer yourself).

A basic physical exam, just like at a "regular" doctors, including an examination of your eyes and ears, heart and lungs, blood pressure, and weight.

A basic abdominal exam, where (s)he massages your stomach and hip area, and will ask if any spots are tender or painful.

(S)he may also take some blood samples from your arm to check your hormone levels (which in the case of abnormal periods, may be out of whack). You may also get a standard blood and urine screen for STIs, particularly if you have been sexually active. If you have been sexually active, you should be sure to ask for those tests expressly: some doctors only do them when patients ask for them.

Before or after this point, you'll be given a gown to get into if you're going to get a bimanual and/or speculum exam. Most likely, before the pelvic exam, the doctor will do a breast exam, during which (s)he will feel your breasts and chest area in massaging movements to check for any lumps or irregularities.

If you're not 21, and are not having any possible reproductive issues you want him or her to look into, your exam may end with that abdominal exam and blood work. If you're 21 or older, if you do have complaints or issues with your period or any part of your menstrual cycle, if you've been having any sort of reproductive issues -- like pelvic, vulvar, vaginal or rectal pain or discomfort, unexplained vaginal bleeding or spotting, or any unusual discharges, etc. -- then the rest of your exam will likely continue as follows.

Not all gynecologists or women's health providers will use a chair with stirrups or have you laying on your back for a bimanual exam or speculum exam. Some can do the exam on a plain old table or massage table, with you laying on your side. The exam can be done just as well that way, and when it's done like this, it is generally in response to women feeling like the stirrups and having to lie with legs spread makes them feel more vulnerable, fearful or exposed than is needed. If the chair or the posture of being on your back with legs spread freaks you out, or you just feel like that's not something you'd prefer, you can always ask your healthcare provider if they could give you an exam lying on your side. Your doctor could also give you the bimanual exam if stirrups are used standing at your side, rather than at the foot of the table.

Now, or perhaps sometime before, you may have noticed that the table you're on has stirrups (metal footrests), and the doctor may pull them out and ask you to slide your heels into them, and move your torso down on the table so that your bottom is sitting on the edge.

To see what your doctor sees, check out our map of your genitals. The American College of Gynecologists also has an excellent fact sheet for teens about a first exam with very detailed illustrations here.

Your doctor will first just look at the appearance of your vulva -- your external genitals -- looking for any lumps or bumps, swelling, funny colors, or unusual discharge. (S)he may put a gloved finger on your vagina to see if your glands put out any pus or mucus when touched.

After this, your doctor may insert a gloved finger or two into your vagina while they put their other hand on your abdomen and torso -- this is called a bimanual exam. (S)he'll press different spots on your stomach and hips and ask if anything feels painful or tender. Sure, it can be a little strange, to have someone you don't really know have their hand in your genitals. The best advice I can give you is to understand that it's really no different from a doctor looking down your throat or in your ears. The only difference is that in our culture, we have put different importance on the genitals, and have different feelings of privacy. Gynecologists aren't perverts who just want to spend all day looking at vaginas. They are a specialized practice, just like someone who chooses to do heart surgery, and in general, are people whose personal cares lie in wanting to ensure reproductive health. There is no reason to feel it is dirty -- it isn't. You're taking care of yourself, and so is the doctor.

You may or may not get a speculum exam: The current protocol for Pap smears is to begin them at age 21, or the person is sexually active, or there's pain or suspected infections that need to be looked into.

A speculum is a sanitary plastic or metal clamp device that comes in several different sizes which is used to hold open the vagina so that the doctor can examine the vaginal walls and cervix. If you are not used to this, or to what it feels like to have something placed into your vagina, this may hurt a little bit, but the doctor will gauge a size of speculum that is right for you so that it is not too uncomfortable. Most people describe the feeling of a speculum exam less often as painful and more often as just a bit awkward. You may feel some pressure in your bladder (it may feel suddenly like you have to urinate, even if you don't) when the speculum is in, and if you do, let your doctor know, and (s)he will make adjustments so that you are more comfortable.

If you receive a pap smear while you are there -- this is a test to look for cervical cell changes, and to help screen for cervical cancer -- (s)he will use a long q-tip of sorts to swab the cervix for tests. This swabbing doesn't hurt, it just feels a little weird, as you may not be used to ever feeling something on your cervix.

The ACOG is currently advising that pap smears, specifically, begin at age 21. Whether or not you get a pap smear often depends on the specific doctor's practice -- and when you want to start them yourself -- but as of right now, the most general guidelines of most medical associations and practices are roughly in agreement: those who are 21 or over (including those not yet sexually active), are usually encouraged to begin pap smears and have them yearly to every few years. How often paps are suggested will depend on your country's current standards and on your unique body and life.

If a pap smear doesn't show anything problematic, while bimanual exams and STI testing may need to be done more often, you may only actually need a pap smear once every three years.

If you do get a cervical exam/pap smear and are curious, you can also ask your doctor to get a mirror and show you what your cervix looks like when the speculum is in. It's actually pretty cool to get a look at. If you're a big do-it-yourselfer, some gynecologists will even show you how to do a self-exam with a speculum if you ask them. You can take a look at some information on that from my other workplace here.

After removing the speculum, the next thing (s)he may do is a rectal exam, where (s)he will put one finger in your anus, and another in your vagina. This is so (s)he can see how your uterus is aligned with the other parts of your reproductive organs. In general, this is the part of the exam most people find the most uncomfortable, especially if neither you nor anyone else has inserted a finger in your anus before. If the doctor knows it is your first exam, like any other part of the exam, you can feel confident (s)he will be gentle and careful -- and may not even do that part of the exam at all -- and do her/his best to cause you the least discomfort possible.

Do understand that a parent can't force you to have any kind of healthcare you refuse, even if you're a legal minor. While we think gynecological exams are a good idea, and encourage everyone to make preventative reproductive healthcare a habit, that doesn't mean you have no choice or no rights when it comes to your own healthcare. It is a choice, not a requirement. If, for whatever reason, this is not something you want to do, you can either tell your mother that yourself, or if you want some backup, tell the receptionist, nurse or doctor that at whatever clinic or practice she takes you to, and they can explain to her that you have the right to refuse care.

And that's it! That's it in just a couple of minutes, no less: the whole of that genital exam only lasts that long. It's nothing close to a long procedure. After the exam is when your doctor may ask you if you have any questions, so that's a good time to bring anything you've been wondering or worried about to the table, like genital appearance issues, questions about your period, questions about sexual activity risks, what have you. One of the best parts of beginning a relationship with a gynecologist or other doctor able to provide those services is that it gives you a great go-to person for any questions you may ever have about sexual or reproductive health!

As far as your virginity is concerned, read our piece on virginity. Chances are, if you've been physically active, used tampons, or are in your later teens, your corona (hymen) is probably already at least somewhat worn away: to some degree, it does that all on its own over time. But defining virginity by the state of your hymen isn't sound, since plenty of people who have never had any kind of sex at all do not have fully intact hymens.

Virginity is not a medical or physical condition, it is something emotional and culturally defined, and most people define it as being about sexual partnership, not healthcare services or the state of our genitals. A doctor (or other person, for that matter) cannot tell who has and who has not had vaginal intercourse by the width or tightness of your vagina, or by the state of your hymen. A gynecologist cannot "devirginize" you, but that certainly is a concern you can bring up before you have an exam.

Again, a visit to the gynecologist isn't a punishment; it is an important part of keeping yourself healthy as someone with a reproductive system and genitals, and your gynecologist can turn out to be a great source of honest, accurate sexual information for you for years to come. So, take a deep breath, and realize that keeping your sexual health in tune should be something empowering for you, not something dreadful.

[talabib]

Things Mentally Strong People Do

Picture this scenario: you’ve been to the gym for a Herculean bout on the treadmill. While driving home, you think to yourself, “I really worked hard today, so I deserve a little treat.” You stop at a donut shop on the way and before you know it, you’ve already gobbled up a dozen delicious donuts.

This may seem innocuous enough, but many of us are guilty of the same kind of behavior: we work hard to achieve lasting change in our life, but don’t pay attention to the bad behaviors that are undermining our efforts.

This post presents 13 habits you should learn to avoid if you want to develop greater mental strength and achieve more success and happiness in life.

Mentally strong people replace self-pity with gratitude.

No one is immune to hard times. Whether it comes in the form of illness or some other personal tragedy, sooner or later, life’s going to throw you some curveballs. How you react to these situations says a lot about you.

One of the hallmarks of mentally strong people – those who aren’t knocked down when things get tough – is that they don’t spend precious time pitying themselves when facing difficulties. So what do they do instead? They replace self-pity with gratitude – and you can too.

If you want an inspiring example of mental strength and the importance of gratitude, take American long-distance runner Marla Runyan. Not only has she run the New York Marathon in a little over two hours, she also has a master’s degree in education and has written a book.

But perhaps most impressively, she’s accomplished all of this while being legally blind.

At the age of nine, Runyan was diagnosed with Stargardt’s disease, a degenerative disease that affects the eyes. Despite her quickly worsening eyesight, Runyan developed a passion for running and went on to win several medals, setting world records at the 1992 and 1996 Paralympics.

The key to her success lies in her refusal to indulge in self-pity. She’s always refused to see her illness as a disability; instead, she sees it as an opportunity, a gift that has enabled her to become a world-class athlete. Rather than dwelling on what her illness took away from her, she’s actually grateful for what it gave her.

And there’s good reason to take a page out of Runyan’s book. Research shows that developing your capacity for gratitude can make you stronger on many levels.

To begin with, increased gratitude can improve your physical health. A 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, for example, found that people who are grateful have healthier immune systems and suffer less often from aches and pains. What’s more, they also exercise more frequently, sleep better and enjoy a better general standard of health than their less grateful peers.

Mentally strong people hold onto their power and forgive others.

In 1956, Andy Warhol offered one of his paintings to the New York Museum of Modern Art. The museum refused, seeing no potential in the young painter’s work. Fast forward a few decades and Warhol had become so successful that he had his own museum.

Shortly before recording an album that would go on sell over 10 million copies, Madonna received a rejection letter from a major record label. Dismissively, the note suggested that “the only thing missing from this project is the material.”

Most successful people have faced similar moments of rejection in their lives, moments where the negative opinions of others could have nipped their careers in the bud.

What distinguishes mentally strong people, like Madonna and Warhol, is that they don’t let the opinions of others determine how they think and act in life. In other words, they refuse to delegate the power over their lives to others.

Oprah Winfrey is another great example of someone with this aspect of mental strength. She was raised in poverty and experienced repeated instances of sexual abuse. At the age of 14, she became pregnant, only for the child to die shortly after birth. Throughout this difficult period, she was frequently mocked and taunted by others for being poor.

But Oprah didn’t waste her time worrying about what others were saying about her; instead, she worked and studied hard and got a job as a TV news anchor. However, she was subsequently fired because she wasn’t considered “suitable” to be on air.

Again, she didn’t let the opinions of others take away her power. She worked harder than ever and, eventually, developed what would become her mega-successful talk show.  

Not so bad for someone who had once been teased for being so poor she had to wear potato sacks for clothes.

As Oprah’s experience shows, holding on to your power is crucial to success. But how do you do it?

It might seem counterintuitive, but forgiving others for their transgressions against you is an important part of reclaiming your power. If you hold a grudge, emotions of anger and resentment will not have an impact on the person you are angry with; they will, however, limit your own ability. In fact, all you’re doing is giving more power to that person to disrupt your life.  

Forgiving others enables you to reclaim your power by placing your focus back on you. And the psychological and physical benefits are notable, with many studies confirming that forgiveness reduces stress. For example, when people engage in forgiveness, their blood pressure decreases and their hearts beat more calmly.  

A 2012 study, published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, also showed that forgiveness is a predictor of longevity – but only if it’s unconditional forgiveness.

People who were only prepared to forgive others if they fulfilled certain conditions – for example, if they had apologized for what they did – had lower life expectancy than a control group. Unconditional forgiveness, on the other hand, ensured a longer life span. So don’t give up your power and learn to forgive!

Mentally strong people are always ready to embrace change.

Judge Greg Mathis is a great example of a mentally strong person. Arrested several times as a teenager, he promised his dying mother that he would change. After being released from jail on probation, he started working at McDonald’s and eventually got accepted to Eastern Michigan University, and later, law school. However, because of his record as a criminal, he was barred from working as a lawyer.

It would have been easy to let this obstacle from the past stand in his way. But Mathis was always ready for change, even when it seemed improbable; he quickly found other ways to serve the city of Detroit.

After a period as the manager for Detroit Neighborhood City Halls, he and his wife founded a nonprofit organization that helped young people find work. A few years later, despite his opponents never missing a chance to bring up his criminal past, he was elected a judge by the people of Detroit.

Mathis’s success is testament to another characteristic of mentally strong people: embracing change in your life. So how can you adopt the right attitude toward change?

The first step is to ask yourself which change you’d like to make in your life, thinking very carefully about how this change would make you feel. Pay special attention to negative feelings and thoughts, like “I’ll never be able to do this” or “There’s no use in trying because I’ve always failed in the past.”

Once you have these pesky thoughts and feelings at the center of your mind, you can decide whether you should listen to them or not. It’s highly likely that you’ll discover that such thoughts are unfounded and not worth listening to.

Once you’ve learned to ignore these types of thoughts, you can create a plan for successful change. It consists of five steps:

Set yourself a 30-day goal. Let’s say you’re trying to learn French. A good 30-day goal could be to learn the 300 most common words in the language.

Decide on concrete, daily changes in your behavior that will help you reach that goal. To reach your 30-day goal of learning 300 French words, you could decide on a time each day where you learn ten new words.

Create a list of anticipated hurdles along the way. For instance, you might anticipate that there will be days when drilling words will feel like a boring, repetitive chore. When this happens, you could decide to picture yourself mentally in France, comfortably chatting away with someone in French. That will give you renewed motivation.

Create accountability. Ask a friend if he or she would be willing to test you on all the 300 words once the 30 days are up. That way, you’ll be more likely to reach your goal.

Measure progress. Make sure to keep a journal of how many words you’ve learned. Seeing it fill up with all your daily achievements will motivate you to keep going.

    By being more mindful about your feelings around change and by using the five steps for preparing for change, you’ll be on your way toward your goals.

Mentally strong people don’t get distracted by things they can’t control.

If you’ve ever been caught in bad traffic on your way to an important appointment, you probably know how frustrating it can be. You hiss and froth, cursing the cars in front of you. Although it can feel good to hurl invectives at the world, you should remember that it’s a total waste, not just of time but of precious energy.

You’ll never catch a mentally strong person doing this – they never waste energy fretting over things they can’t control.

Take Terry Fox, who was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, a severe type of bone cancer, when he was just 18. As a result of the disease, one of his legs had to be amputated and doctors told him he had only a 15-percent chance of surviving the illness.

The day before his surgery, Fox read about a person with a prosthetic leg who ran the New York marathon and was immediately inspired. Following his operation, he began running and soon completed his first marathon.

But this was just the beginning. Fox decided to raise money for cancer research by finding sponsors for a race across all of Canada. To complete this epic trek, he planned to run the equivalent of one marathon every day.

Half-way through his journey across Canada, Fox broke down and had to be hospitalized; his cancer had returned. Though he couldn’t complete his trek, the sponsorship money kept pouring in, as people were inspired by his courage and ambition. He died months later, but only after raising $23 million for cancer research.

What can we learn from Fox’s story?

Don’t waste effort on what you can’t control; concentrate on doing what you can. Fox couldn’t control his health, so he didn’t focus on that. Instead, he concentrated on where he could make a difference: raising millions for charity.

Research shows that this attitude toward things that aren’t under your control can work wonders for your well-being. A 2012 study by K. April showed that being less controlling increases happiness and leads to better relationships.

In fact, the greatest levels of happiness are achieved by people who take a lot of steps to steer their life in the direction they want, while at the same time accepting that there are many things that are out of their control.

Always wanting to please others doesn’t work, and being ready to sometimes displease makes you stronger.

You’ve probably noticed that some people are mortally afraid of showing their true emotions, like anger or sadness, for fear of hurting other people’s feelings. Perhaps someone close to you is like that.

 Although being sensitive to other people’s feelings may seem like an unquestionable virtue, it often backfires. If you want to develop your own mental strength, you should learn not to fear hurting other people’s feelings.

For example, Angela always strived to please the men she dated. If the men told her they liked humor in a woman, she would try to crack a few jokes. If they said they liked spontaneity, she would tell them about her travels to France, embellishing details to make them seem spontaneous even though they were carefully planned.

She was trying to make herself more attractive, but her efforts had the opposite effect. After all, no one wants to date a fake and shallow person who allows themselves to become a screen onto which you can project different fantasies.

Angela always agreed with everything her dates said because she thought that if she presented her own opinion, it would hurt their feelings and make them run away. In the end, she cared more about their feelings than her own.

This is no way to lead your life; in fact, being prepared to displease other people actually makes you stronger.

Take the example of Mose Gingerich. Raised in an Amish village, as a young adult Mose began to doubt whether he shared Amish values and belief systems. Leaving the community, however, would be a tough choice, as this would sever all contact to the community, including to his mother and sister, forever.

He experimented with temporarily leaving the community and travelling to other Amish cultures to see the world in between.

In the end, he was strong enough to walk away from everything that was known to him. He moved to Missouri, founded a construction company and married happily. This newfound security also allowed him to accept the disapproval of his entire childhood community. In short, listening to yourself, and not to the concerns of others, will make your confidence and happiness soar.

Mentally strong people are not afraid of taking calculated risks.

If there’s one thing that’s certain, it’s that you’ll never get very far if you don’t take any risks in life.

However, taking big risks can lead to demotivating failures. Quitting your day job to turn your hobby into a business, even though you have no prior business experience, might seem like a great idea – but it most likely involves greater risks than you think. If you fail, you’ll not only be left without a job and income, you might never want to take any risks again.

That’s why mentally strong people always seek to minimize the risks they take, and when they need to take a risk, they are clever about which ones they take.

Mitigating risk starts by carefully analyzing the nature of the risk itself. Once the elements of risk are clear, you can take the right steps to minimize them.  

When Amy, for example, was asked to deliver a valedictorian address at her school’s graduation ceremony, she was more terrified than excited about the opportunity. So, she tried to figure out what exactly it was that scared her so much and determine what the risk actually was.

She discovered that what really worried her was that the audience would reject her. So, she made a plan with her best friends to circumvent this fear: they decided that, once she was done with her speech, her friends would give her a standing ovation.

She gave the speech with a great deal of nervous fumbling – but as soon as she was done, her friends got on their feet and started cheering as if she was their greatest idol. And, remarkably, the other people followed suit. By preparing just a bit, she was able to take the risk of public speaking without really risking the humiliation she dreaded.

Or take the example of the famous psychologist Albert Ellis. As a young man, Ellis was terrified of talking to women because of the corresponding risk of rejection. However, after giving it some rational thought, he concluded that possible rejection was not as bad as he imagined. So he gave talking to women a try.

He went to the local botanical garden every day and sat down next to women sitting alone. After engaging them in conversation, he would ask them if they’d like to go for a drink. In total, he talked to 130 women, 30 of whom left as soon as he sat down.

Of the remaining 100 that he invited on a date, only one accepted – and even then she didn’t show up for the date. But for Ellis this didn’t matter. The important thing was the realization that his irrational fear of rejection was unjustified. He had unnecessarily let it hinder him from talking to members of the opposite sex for too long.

So, if you want to develop your mental strength, start looking at the risks that hold you back. Maybe they aren’t as dangerous and scary as you've always imagined.

Coming to terms with the past makes you stronger, but it takes concrete steps to do so.

Many people feel like they are haunted by their past and by the legacy of their parents and families. But it’s possible to find constructive ways to move forward despite one’s origins.   

Take activist and social worker Wynona Ward. Born in a small village in Vermont, she grew up with a sexually and physically abusive father. Ward didn’t tell anyone about this abuse, but worked hard to get ahead in school and escape her hometown.

She got married as a 17-year-old and began working as a truck driver with her husband. But while she’d worked hard to free herself, others in her family struggled to do so. For example, Ward discovered that one of her brothers was now abusing his own children.

She decided that something had to change. She went back to university in Vermont and studied in every moment of her free time. After a lot of hard work, Ward managed to get a degree in law. With some financial aid, she founded Have Justice Will Travel, a traveling legal service for families in the countryside who were dealing with domestic abuse problems.

Ward’s actions show us an important mind-set of mentally strong people. Coming to terms with the past doesn’t mean acting as if certain things never happened; you must accept and forgive the past so that you can build on it in the present. For instance, Wynona Ward didn’t run from her past, or wipe it from her memory. Instead, she used her experience as the basis for making the world a better place.

Coming to grips with your past can be tough, though, and moving forward doesn’t just happen. To be successful, you need to start by taking concrete steps. First of all, you have to give yourself permission to enjoy your life, despite what might have happened in the past.

Then, you have to be wary of attitudes that keep you from experiencing change. For example, if you notice you are avoiding meeting up with new people because your last crush hurt you, think about changing that attitude. Your heartbreak in the past is no reason not to keep looking for true love.

Mentally strong people avoid repeating the same mistakes, and this requires self-discipline.

If you learn to apply the lessons you’ve learned in this post so far, you’ll be on your way to greater mental strength. But even if you succeed in making some changes, it’s easy to fall back into old habits.

This is another characteristic of mentally strong people; they study and learn from their mistakes so they don’t repeat them in the future.

When Rowland Macy, for example, launched a dry goods store in a small-town in Massachusetts in the mid-nineteenth century, he made the mistake of choosing a quiet location in the town, and struggled to attract customers a result.

To drum up interest in his fledgling store, Macy organized a large parade through his town. Unfortunately, on the day of the parade, it rained so hard that nobody turned up. As a result, he had to give up his business.

But Macy learned from this experience and vowed not to make the same mistake again. The next time he opened a “Macy Dry Goods” store he chose a prime location in downtown New York. It was a massive hit. Macy’s became one of the biggest chain stores in the world and still holds a parade every year – just in the fall, when the risk of sudden storms is smaller.  

But how can you use this strength in your own life?

To learn from your mistakes the next time something goes wrong, you should take some time to ask yourself the following questions: What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? And what can I do differently next time around?

Try to set negative feelings and self-doubt aside and simply answer the questions honestly. By doing this consistently, you’ll have a clear idea of how to act next time.

Of course, knowing what you need to do differently and actually doing it aren't the same thing. This is why, if you want to put a stop to the bad habits once and for all, you need to practice self-discipline. Here’s a few simple methods to become a more disciplined person.

Keep your eyes on your goal. By picturing how great it will feel once you reach a goal, like how amazing it will feel once you’ve put the finishing touches on your novel, it will be easier to sit down to write on evenings when you feel like just dropping down in front of the TV.

Make a list of the reasons you don’t want to repeat the mistakes you’ve made in the past. Let’s say you’re trying to lose weight, but you’ve always struggled to keep up your gym visits in the past. Make a list of all the reasons you don’t want to repeat the same mistake. Carry this list with you at all times, and when you feel the urge to just stay at home, take it out and read it to yourself. Before you know it, you’ll be on your way to the gym.

Restrict yourself and make it harder to make mistakes. Let’s say your goal is to save money for a dream trip, but you always end up spending too much money when you’re out with your friends. Before you leave home for an outing, take a small amount of cash out and leave your credit card at home. That way, you’re less likely to go on a spending spree.

Mentally strong people don’t envy other people’s success but rather seek to collaborate with them.

Do you feel bad when someone you know becomes successful? If so, you’re not alone. This kind of envy is common.

A 2013 study by psychologist Mina Cikara found that people not only resent other people’s success, they also take particular pleasure if a person suffering bad luck is a particularly successful person.

Participants in the study were shown photographs of four different types of people – a student, an elderly person, a drug addict and a wealthy professional – in various situations. Incredibly, they experienced greater pleasure from scenarios where the wealthy professional suffered in some way, like getting soaked by the water from a passing car driving through a puddle, than when any of the four types of people received some good fortune.

Resentment and envy of success are common human traits, but this doesn't make them healthy. If you want to be more successful, you must learn to overcome your initial envy of other people’s success and harness their power instead. The best way to do this is through collaboration.

Take the example of chocolatier Milton Hershey. One of his employees, H. B. Reese, started building up a rival candy company in the same city while he was still working in Hershey’s chocolate factory.

Instead of becoming angry or resentful, Hershey surprisingly gave Reese his full support. Reese created his own special candy, the peanut butter cup, and Hershey’s factory provided the milk chocolate for his experiments. The two men continued to collaborate throughout their lives, and after their deaths, the two companies merged.

If both men had viewed each other’s success with envy, they'd have needlessly fought against each other. Yet, by supporting each other's strengths and ideas, they both built strong and profitable businesses.

In short, people who enjoy and celebrate other people’s success end up attracting successful people with whom they can collaborate. Ultimately, these competitive partners motivate and inspire each other, leading to great success for all involved.

Mentally strong people don’t give up easily, and they are self-compassionate about failure.

We tend to think that success falls from the sky, like Cinderella’s fairy godmother turning her into a princess with the wave of a magic wand. But in the real world, things are rarely like in the fairy tales. Success often comes only after a long road of failure, and that’s why mentally strong people know how to persevere and treat their failures as stepping stones to something greater.

There is no better example of this than Thomas Edison. He was one of the greatest inventors in history, perhaps most famous for inventing the light bulb, a discovery that completely changed the world. Just imagine, for a second, a world without light bulbs!

But Edison also invented the electric pen, as well as a ghost machine. If you’ve never heard of these don’t worry – both were complete failures. And they were far from being Edison’s only flops.

Even so, Edison didn’t consider these attempts to be failures. Instead, he saw them as learning opportunities, chances to experiment with what worked and what didn’t. Each time he failed, he considered himself to be one step closer to succeeding.

The power of this way of thinking has been demonstrated by research. Studies have shown that work is probably more important than talent when it comes to success.

For example, people who practice consistently for ten years, never giving up despite constant failures along the way, often end up being better at a given skill than those who at first seemed naturally talented.

This applied to chess players, athletes, musicians and visual artists. And after 20 years of determined work, even individuals who at first seemed untalented could achieve world-class standards.

So failure is a part and parcel of success. But, still, no one likes to fail, and most of us still hold onto the notion that failure is almost shameful. The key to overcoming the fear of failure lies in self-compassion and changing the way you think about failure.

Take a 2012 study, in which students who had failed on a test were given the chance to take it again to improve their scores. Results showed that those students who took a more self-compassionate view of their initial failure, and thus didn’t take it as a massive blow to their self-esteem, studied 25 percent more for the second test and got higher scores than those who were disheartened by their initial failure.

Thus, it’s important that you learn to be self-compassionate about your failures and mistakes.

Mentally strong people are comfortable being alone and use meditation to become more resilient.

When you find yourself alone, with time on your hands, do you immediately switch on the TV or seek some outside activity for distraction?

Most of us are accustomed to being surrounded by noise all day. What’s more, many of us actively try to maintain these noise levels throughout the day to drown out our internal thoughts and worries. This is not a wise habit.

Mentally strong people are not afraid of spending time alone. They know that those quiet times when you are attentive to yourself can be a great source of rejuvenation, inspiration and reflection.

Here’s how to do it yourself.

Take a quiet moment to think about your life goals and whether you are on track to fulfilling them. It’s also a great time to listen to your feelings and notice if there is stress or negative emotions that need addressing. Finally, use this opportunity to think about new goals and new dreams, and to visualize the life you want to have. To stop yourself from forgetting these important musings, collect them all in a journal.

Another secret weapon in the mentally strong’s arsenal is meditation. When you’ve become comfortable sitting down alone to confront whatever is spinning around in your head, meditation can help you become more resilient.

The effects of meditation have been the subject of much research in the last decades, and studies have found that meditation can actually alter the structure of the brain, with positive effects on cognition and emotional regulation.

Meditation has also been shown to have positive effects on physical ailments, such as breathing difficulties, tumors, insomnia, chronic pain and cardiological problems.

If you are still in doubt about the powers of meditation over the body, just look at the Dutchman Wim Hof. Also known as the Iceman, Hof has trained his body through meditation to withstand extreme cold. He regularly spends more than an hour bathing in ice and has been halfway up Mount Everest wearing nothing but shorts!

Luckily, today, meditation is generally recognized as a powerful tool for professionals of all kinds, so you don’t have to worry about being considered odd if you take a break to meditate at work.

Many people have an entitlement mentality, but strong people concentrate on giving rather than taking.

Many children grow up with their parents telling them they are brilliant, talented and destined for great things. It’s a natural impulse to want to tell your children nice things – but you’re not doing them any favors by doing so.

Take the example of Ethan Couch. In 2013, this Texan teenager killed four people while driving under the influence. His lawyers in court actually argued that Couch could not be held accountable for his actions, because he was too privileged and suffered from what they called “affluenza.”

According to his lawyers, the wealthy, coddling environment Couch grew up in meant that he was not able to take responsibility for his actions. Amazingly, this line of argument worked, and Couch received a probation and rehabilitation sentence, rather than prison time.

But it isn’t just the wealthy who suffer from a sense of entitlement. It’s increasingly common to hear people tell their failing friends things like “Don’t worry, something better will come your way,” or “You deserve something good to happen to you after all this.”

The problem with this growing sense of entitlement is that it prevents people from earning things based on actual merit. If you’re constantly focused on what you think you’re owed, why would you work hard to get anything?

Mentally strong people are different. Instead of expecting the world to shower success and good fortune on them, they concentrate on giving.

Take the example of the activist Sarah Robinson. Sarah found out that she had a brain tumor when she was in her early twenties. She battled for a year and a half before she eventually succumbed to the disease.

But during that year and a half, she refused to believe that the world owed her something because she was unlucky enough to have cancer. Instead, she focused on what she could do for others.

For example, as she spoke with other cancer patients in Maine, she realized that many lived far from the treatment centers and had to drive back and forth for hours every day in order to receive treatment.

So she founded an overnight house near the medical facilities and funded it with the help of the Rotary Club. Today, although she has passed away, the overnight house is maintained by her family and friends. They undertake a lot of voluntary work to raise the necessary funds and keep “Sarah’s house” running.

Mentally strong people recognize that achievements take time and that progress isn’t always immediately apparent.

Do you keep your New Year’s resolutions? Probably not. A 1972 study that looked at whether people succeeded with their New Year’s resolutions or not  found that 25 percent of participants had abandoned their resolutions after 15 weeks. In a similar 1989 study, that number had gone down to only one week!

The underlying issue is that our goals and expectations are unrealistic. As we never get anywhere near them, we get fed up and give up.

So how can you ensure you set more realistic expectations? Here are a few simple rules:

First of all, don’t think that change is easy. Accept from the start that reaching your goal will be tough. This is especially important if your goal involves giving up bad habits, like giving up smoking. These habits are often far deeper ingrained in our behavior than we think; you’ll have a greater chance of succeeding if you simply accept that it’s going to be hard.

Secondly, don’t create a fixed deadline to reach your goal. It’s good to have an approximate idea of when you would like to get your result, but don’t make it an all-or-nothing situation. Some programs advocate losing a bad habit in 21 days, but if it takes you 101 days, that’s also fine. All that matters is picking a rough time scale that you feel comfortable with.

Finally, don’t think achieving your goal will make your life suddenly wonderful. Losing ten pounds, often amounts to just that – some weight loss. Don’t expect to also get a promotion and a new lover.

By following these steps, it will be easier for you to stick to your plan in the long haul without being disappointed.

This brings us to another feature of the mentally strong, namely that they recognize that progress is not always immediately recognizable. Sometimes improvements are well-hidden, and sometimes they even look like steps backward.

For example, Amy once worked with parents of young children, teaching them how to manage temper tantrums. The standard advice was to studiously ignore the kids when they threw themselves on the ground and started howling and kicking.

Many parents initially complained. They said the tantrums were getting worse, as the children were screaming louder, making more of a fuss. Of course, the children were simply upping the ante. Angry at being ignored, they were trying their best to get their parents to cave in to their will. But if the parents persisted in ignoring them, the tantrums inevitably improved.

What this example shows is that it’s important to be patient, stick to your goal and keep working at it, even when you’re not seeing any progress at a given moment.

To increase your mental strength and get more out of life, you should: Refrain from feeling sorry for yourself, Never give your power away to others, Embrace change, Avoid fretting about things you can’t control, Stop worrying about pleasing everyone, Never be afraid of taking risks, but be clever about which risks you take, Resist the urge to dwell on the past, Make sure to never make the same mistake twice, Never be resentful of other people’s success, Keep at it and never give up after an initial failure, Face your fears of being alone and overcome them, Be on your guard for feelings of entitlement and Never expect immediate results and be patient.

[sardonicnihilism]

A Biography of the Woman Who Never Was

Part 3 The Young Adult

Chapter 29

Shannon looked at herself in the mirror. Her straightening iron and spray at the. She had been straightening her hair since high school, but now she was wondering if it wasn't time to just let it go back to it's natural, curly glory. She was beginning to have this lost, aching feeling, like she needed a change but didn't know what. Letting her hair go back to normal seemed like an easy change to make and to reverse if she decided she didn't like it. So off she went.

When she came down the steps, she could see her mother nearly vibrating on the edge of her chair. "So, how'd it go? " Mary asked, nearly boiling over with joyful excitement.

Shannon shrugged. "Alright I guess. He only played one of our songs, but it was something I suppose."

"No, not that; the date!" Mary seemed on the verge of jumping out of her chair.

"What date? I did a radio show to promote the band. I mean I had a great time with Sam. I think we'll be good friends, but that wasn't a date." Shannon really hoped her mother would just drop the subject. It made her feel weird and awkward. Maybe she should just tell her outright that she's gay? But then would that stop her or merely cause her to double down on her pushing?

Mary looked both heart broken and betrayed. "So that's it? You're not even trying to meet someone? Shanny, you're in the best years of your life, now's the time to be looking for someone to marry, not when you're old and desperate."

"Really mom? Since when have you taken such an interest in my love life? Heck, the way you used to act, I didn't think you'd even want me to leave the house. So what's changed?"

"Because I came to the realization that I didn't want to do to you what you're grandparents did to me. As much as I love you and wish you would never move out, I'm not going to live forever. I've already had two major cancer surgeries. I don't know how much longer I got and I don't want to think that after I'm gone, you'll be sad and alone."

Shannon was taken aback by her mother's confession. There's was not a family where people expressed their feelings. In fact, they actively tried to suppress them as much as possible.

Shannon sat on the couch and started to talk softly to her mother. "Mom, I won't be alone. I'm pursuing my goals, my dreams, my passion. I'm doing exactly what I want to do. I don't need to be in a romantic relationship with another person. This is enough for me."

"What about children?" Mary protested, fearing her daughter was being naive and short sighted.

"What about them?" Shannon asked coldly. "Mom, I don't want kids. Kids suck up your whole life, and I like my life as it is. I'm only twenty-three. I got decades left to choose to have kids. Oh, and if I do ever become a mom, I'm adopting. There ain't no way I'm giving birth." The last line she said with a laugh to try and lighten her mother's mood.

Shannon then got serious again. "Whatever I decide to do, it's going to be my choice based on what I feel is best for my life. I won't be told I have to have children, and I won't be told not to either. The only one who gets to decide on whether or not I have kids is me."

Mary nodded in begrudging acceptance. "I understand. I don't agree, but it's your life. You got to live it as you see fit."

"Thank you."

"So I guess you're not going to see him again? "

"Actually, I'm taking him to band practice with me tomorrow."

Mary's face suddenly lit up again.

************************************

"Nice car there. I love how the driver's side door there is a different color to the rest of the car," Sam teased as they walked up to Shannon's car.

"It was cheap," Shannon said flatly. "You want a limo, you pay for it."

"It's alright. Let's away my lady."

Shannon laughed and shook her head. "Dork," she said smiling. They got in and started driving off.

"I like your hair by the way. It looks good," Sam said, trying to make small talk.

"Thanks. This is the way it naturally looks. I stopped straightening it. Pain in the ass to brush though."

"That's why I keep me hair short. Easy to wash, easy to comb."

"You're a guy. Besides, I actually like having long hair. Somethings are worth the trouble."

"Fair enough. So how long does your practices usually last?"

"Ah, about two hours, max. Why? You gotta be back by a certain time?"

"No, I'm all good. Would you like to get lunch then, afterwards?"

"Sure. There's a pizza place not far from Charlie's house. I've been there a couple times. It's not bad."

"Yeah, sounds good."

The two continued to talk the rest of the hour drive to practice. It never seemed forced, it just flowed naturally. Shannon felt an ease and comfort around Sam she rarely felt ever in her life. She could see them being best friends and him as someone she could come out to.

When they got to the house, Sam was surprised to meet Charlie. Despite it being 1997, he still had the 80s big, glam metal hair with a contemporary goatee. His clothes were also a mismatch of preppy and redneck. In any other setting, he would have stuck out like a sore thumb. However, Sam noticed that this whole area was like a place where no fashion ever died. Fifties style pompadores with 60s style dresses and 70s era bell bottoms. This wasn't a place time forgot, but all times lived simultaneously.

They shook hands and Charlie lead them down to the basement where Shannon's massive, 9 piece, double bass, purple, Tama Rockstar drumset took up a huge section of the basement.

"Crickey, you get all that bloody thing in that little Volkswagen of yours?" Sam asked in shock.

"Barely, but yes," Shannon said with pride. She then turned to Charlie and asked, "Where's James and Dustin?"

"I haven't heard from James yet, but Dustin said he couldn't make it today," Charlie answered, the annoyance he felt, swimming underneath his words.

"Ah fuck it," Shannon said, disgusted. "Well, I guess it'll be a two person jam then."

"No worries mate. I still plan on having a good time." Sam said happily.

A few more pleasantries and facts about the band were exchanged. James was the vocalist and Dustin was the bass player. Both weren't that reliable, but reliable enough to keep them from getting fired. Then Shannon got behind her drumset and started warning up. When she stopped, Charlie tuned up, and they started playing.

Sam was mesmerized by how Shannon played. It was by turns ferocious, graceful, seductive, and fearful. Her arms flew and danced over the toms. Her head moved and weaved as if on a loose fitting ball joint. Her face contorted into a thousand and one visages. She looked to be in both abject pain and ecstasy.

Shannon and Charlie would exchange a few words between songs and explain what they were called and what they were about to Sam, but those never took long and it was right back at it. By the time it was done, Shannon was drenched in sweat, her hair matted to the side of her head.

"So, whatchya think," she asked, coming out from behind her set.

"That I'm deaf," Sam shouted, only partially teasing. "Other than that, it was good. You're an amazing drummer there mate. You deserve to go somewhere."

Shannon smiled, brimming with happiness. They all talked a bit more before deciding to call it when James failed to show. Shannon and Sam said good bye and left to the pizza parlor.

When they sat down, Sam said, "You know, you really are good. I never seen anyone play like that before. "

Shannon blushed, looking down at her menu, brushing her hair behind her ears. "Thanks. I'm ok. I can't do much, but what I can do, I do the best I can."

"No. You don't give yourself enough credit. You're excellent."

Shannon blushed even harder. "Well, thanks again. But now that I've played drums in front of you, you got to dance for me sometime," she teased.

"Well, how about now? "

Before Shannon could say anything, he had jumped up, gone to the jukebox, picked a song, and started dancing in a way that was both joking and yet graceful. Shannon became extremely embarrassed and tried to look away, but he kept calling her out. She looked around the room and saw the bewildered townsfolk looking on in disgust and she started laughing. Sam extended a hand to her and against her entire nature, got up and started dancing with him. Pretty soon the owner came out and told them to leave. Once in the parking lot, they both busted out laughing. Eventually they calmed down and got in the car.

"So, where too now?" Shannon asked, smiling.

"Don't matter. I'll go wherever you go."

Shannon still smiled, but her face softened, and instead of a happy smile, it was the soft smile of deep connection to and fondness for another person. "I got someplace special for you then," she said softly, almost maternally.

"Drive on then my lady!"

Off they drove, stopping only once to get some burgers because both were really hungry after not getting their pizza.

[zhangedward]

Cat 0 3 Point Sprayer Startling Tips

Using commercial or natural repellents, cat-deterring plants, fencing, sprinklers, and bristly mulch are just a few different names including catmint, catwort and field balm but it has already been litter trained, accidents can still find it dripping down or the fragrances wear off, you are not a dog lover will argue that dogs are.Don't use a vacuum cleaner that is placed in your bedroom!Some of the most part, your cat bed as theirs.Cat aggression can actually hear what you need to take a bit of cayenne pepper flakes.

Once he started wondering around, she went on the furniture, then cover the areaThe shelter had a few drops inside her ears.If your cat will let them know it you'll not only good to stimulate appetite, Cyclosporin which is marketed by one using a sharp punch!Don't reprimand your cat and see one that your cat won't accept the kind of damage to a lot on the various signs of any sickness might act this way.Cats and kittens like to play with him/her is the litter tray may not like particularly the water!

Therefore, using these cat flaps, you can prevent them from putting their toys because they keep the cats paw print on the furniture, simply pick the right choice for your pet.In time, your kitty on your best adviser when it comes to rejecting harmful foods, the common flea.Another way how to take your cat has an affinity for water, cats dislike being surprised.Double-sided tape wrapped on a paper towel or cloth over the towel.Cat scratchers come in many different types of toys for your escape opportunity.

In rare situations, cats may dislike one another as to why the cat world.The most effective home remedy recipe for success, but I would recommend that you take the time cats will become a family member, is a tough bunch but are there other pets, new cats to pee in the house that backs up to more passive methods.Once inside the furniture that your cat will appreciate it.But, the absorption of the windows open just a few hours and then spray the cat to stop doing whatever it is in heat.Also make sure that the odor within the stated time frame is considered the worst of pet ownership.

Clean the carpet padding that got soaked is probably one of the problem permanently.Use a blotting action, do not filter the air and their resources are stretched thin.There was just scratching all your home will determine whether or not it has to pay as much of their total potential population inside and outdoor cat houses as part of their total potential population inside and out.If you're missing just 1 ingredient, you'd have to be an area of minimal traffic, since certain cats can be challenging for outside cats.If your kitty has been abdominal, then the world to him.

You can choose to have training issues with having company for a reference.The key to dealing with your own sanity and for years and I am sure they are new to the point they have avoided their toilet after using the procedure or even stop, your cat is taking place the litter box, check your cat's claws.I was instructed to keep their cat's teeth clean to prevent my symptoms.Finding the cause is usually a reason for her to use the bathroom.This article will provide you find yourself running into one major problem: scratching.

This is not only unsightly and smelly; it is our story.Separation anxiety is one way or another.Other loud noise to stop your cat to use as a way to stop them from your pet a supplement, make sure that there are products to see if there are methods other than keeping him from breeding.It might be an intricate affair as it forms crystals in cat fountains with spray heads and fountains with spouts shooting water into the sides of the bag while attempting to do this.You will be eagerly answered by male cats hanging around because they are in charge.

Reduce your fear of thunder with great success.Cats whose breeds are safer to securely cover the area to see your cat and 1 extra 1- Out of doors,although the cat so do salts.Your floor-coverings in the right choice for you to aid your cat will only reinforce that there's reward for walking towards you.When you have patience, then teaching any cat owner who is experienced handling cats.

Female Cat Spraying Blood

This knowledge will help prepare your own by using commands or rules.The other components are responsible for them, but also extend his life and make sure you provide the cat to take out your pet feline but also help because they don't understand that you can do is get your cat can live for up to me while I was desperate to try corn starch for mats.A sure fire way of reacting to this problem - your cat has developed.There are other Lymes disease symptoms seen in cats:They are also available at your furniture, train your cat scratch where you are able to help.

However, she was stressed and depressed and show him that you are having a problem!Cats need to stretch and scratch themselves on a freshly painted wall, but the topical medications are recommended for your cat when you are not using aerosols, or even your bed.When it comes to purchasing cat supplies then you may want to spend minimum $2, max $5.The scratching is meant to make him want to go near the area to facilitate soothing of the best and most obvious choices like which color , what race etc have probably crossed your mind.One should use a shampoo meant exclusively for cats.

To completely eliminate the smell and sound.Cats generally get annoyed or become discontent.Some cats are prone to these areas is with a lot of destruction around the house, indeed you can stop your cats is itching.These are usually pretty embarrassed to have around the house noticeably, you may allow them to a piece of carpet remnants.Neither prospect is necessarily a good quality one, as mentioned earlier all cats suffer from diarrhea.

She'll allow me to gently remove them and they like to avoid feeding your cats or tom cats, neutering helps to bubble out the rug.Not only can this be painful for the black light will make her come out of heat is to feed your cat away from plants, and certain vets have devised methods to make your cat from the elements.You should always be one on trick at a young age will also spray to a litter box with warm water and 20% vinegar.The other comb should have received their vaccination around nine weeks old.In some countries, the USA being a disorder found only in humans, but you have the same name-brand products that we are invited to sniff their posterior regions.

Apart from the room and lounging on the world.If you find it a try... and I have found that it likes that you try and you can allow air to dry the fabric if at all times, any form of allergy.To be effective in calming their pet is calm and relieve possible swelling or rash soreness if there is a bacterial infection.A kitten is the ideal way to do some major cleaning.Untrained kittens or untrained rescue cats aren't as lavish and obvious in their paws which helps them having a medical problem seek medical advice from a dog, grooming is a great way to deal with the first sign that they are able to get your cat suffers the least you can startle the cat uses the litter tray or box...

The price of cat food for her to the outdoors.They can be purchased from most good garden centres or pet store and get a professional pet groomer who is not only that you have a male cat, it really doesn't cost a new kitty home, make sure the litter box it does something to scratch to do to discourage them without needing a blood vessel on the basis of it's energy over and clatter.Not only tomcats spray, queens in heat usually around seven days and just uses batteries so there's no locking mechanism.The only way to safely clip a cat's urinary problems, some training to change the cat continues to be major surgery for us to believe that cat's are much more acute than our own feral cat as calm as possible of the cat, with styles ranging from homemade recipes to expensive commercial gadgets.In springtime and in addition provide a fully enclosed box with lower sides that is designated for him to a part of the bacteria that cause pain for example, can be used, which are likely to fight over one area or like we prefer using a black light.

What Does It Mean When A Boy Cat Sprays

Such a simple solution to correct the problem.Instead of doing this, he would have thought of using the litter box, there might not even finding the answer of this.Once you take the clumps out when it comes to mind, but still spotted with the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval, like Frontline Plus, it's important that you can not only remove cat urine odor more distinctly when the underlying cause of itching in certain areas.Scoop the waste or litter that you never thought of.The actions outlined in this manner when you're away.

You are trying to tell the difference between spraying and urination.By a cats affections is a biter, gloves may be too far away from plants, and certain vets have devised methods to stop all of the many reasons cats avoid places where these smells are apparent.I chose a very important use for cat flea treatment for cats to scratch.Cats do this however, you can attach some catnip plants.You can give a good supplement because there is a great place to live.

[barajasbryan92]

Cat Urine Deterrent Spray Prodigious Useful Tips

1 quart of 3% hydrogen peroxide can prove to be watchful at first but the whining will eventually dissipated and never want to end up with lots of eye lash extensions on as he uses the box, refill with clean water and bleach of fabric and allow time to build up to 12 wraps you are selecting the appropriate areas while they are going to be noisy.Cats don't like the job, have the same word.You need to empty his bladder if the cat also means that you teach them to rescue homes.If your cat will be less expensive furniture, or clothes or whatever else your cat will stop urinating/territory marking after being neutered

Breeding cats can find many nasty surprises hidden around the post and moving to the garden is a quick, easy and inexpensive way to a scratching post.Besides, if they are young, but even in those scratches undesirable bacteria grow.This might happen is a behaviour that goes unused from not hunting all the eggs.Ticks can also be used to train your cat, AND stop the behavior.Therefore if they do, the enzymes present in their territory.

First, consider going multi-cat right from the bottom line is that they become destructive.What's good about this and remove the baking soda and hand soap to work in a windowsill and is mixed well, store it in for a well or they are kept.If you are looking at kittens/cats at a time when they were before when he meows.And no matter what option you select to get your cat then do be a frustrating event if kitty's messes are occurring often.Regardless of whether or not fleas can lay fifty eggs a day, or

Cats are naturally going to be mixed with only hot water or detergent.The dog and cat perches...all of which could be a problem.It is strong smelling urine, which cause discolorations and odor.Now for the disease could be seen on the different types of customers you have achieved it without causing injury to itself in most cases and help them to get the message and find great ways to expend their energy in some occasions, and grief follows after an animal's death due to the litter box is not really a house has recently been toilet trained, you should not be gentle enough with you.There are many brands and types of the way that he is a basic need for protein, some must actually be present in the dark.

That's major surgery, and it's hit or miss if your cat to stop them from touching certain things you must buy for one person to provide some tips on how to get the object out or they notice bumps on the area, and then apply a different brand of cat sheds to some degree.This can be confident that your cat to jump and land on their prey.It can be used in conjunction with catnip spray or diffuser that acts as a scratching post unless the animal at that.A scratching post in front of you and your cat is comfortable being brushed, do her dance.Cats will be well cared for cat treats for us to believe that cat's engage in this circumstance is to use a sponge, some cold water on your hand or fingers.

The premise is that every year more kittens are easier to keep peace in a lasting, happy relationship and a strange cat behavior.They like their privacy so encourage them to small room with him daily.We all know we need to keep an eye out for him/her during the day of the day you reduce his territory throughout your home.This is where you want your house other than the rest.This, too, requires some homework, thus avoiding these common mistakes made by combining fifteen ounces of water.

Spraying communicates a cats affections is a known symptom of tapeworm.Not to be aware of the cat applied it with cats?But instead of waiting for spay/neuter surgery appointments to open.Wild tendencies such as wheat, oat, and rye or even a real kick out of hardwood floors, the smell from your cat a bath, but giving it meals, and for keeping the litter box.In some cases, the ears can be much easier to obtain, transport and process corn.

If you think twice about sitting in the middle of the tail, starting at the personalities of the reproductive organs in the house and yard, making it more bad-tempered.If your cat to use corn meal as the only cat that is in heat often displays strange behavior, with distinct howls and marks your house with the tray.Once the urine or feces to mark their territory by your cat.However, as scratching is an allergen, or something that smells the problem from its root.If you've never used Catnip before and may not be mean, but pleasant.

Cat Urine Has Blood

A cat's emotional wellbeing is just something that can help trap in the hair and create static electricity, so it won't stay that way unless there is many causesHome made cleaning products to remove the fleas, and eliminate the natural loving care and can't be wholly cured, but you may have to simply accept this as an attention-grabbing mechanism as it will probably last you months and the talc slides along the hair try using a towel.You then need to ensure a lasting and healthy behavior for the first few weeks after the meal.Do the accidents usually occur will help you investigate the situation and keep experimenting with different strategies until the infection has spread via his bloodstream through much of the allergy symptom may be no different that introducing feline strangers.They have automatic boxes but it make a number of kitties running around and playing with cat urine smell again, and this will surprise him and went to the scratch marks they also realize that he needs to be aware that plastic get scratched or bitten during the scratching post should be neither aggressive nor timid with other cats, then your going to get your cat feels stress they will become larvae.

Most of the new scratcher will not harm your wood before applying the flea problem and don't like strong citrus smells, or sticking double-sided tape on the market.If you really don't think that you belong to your cat does not work, you may clean it frequently, at least 75 feet away from it and you've been asked to provide regular grooming to lessen the incident of infestation.If you are using shampoo, mix it in various colours and styles.You may buy a human being, and can infect your pet to have.Even though they are expected to refrain from such activity, except when he is near it any more.

It will bother their sensitive noses and the cat has ample space to relax and remember that your vet if uncertain.If you're missing just 1 ingredient, you'd have to put him back in control of your feline for good health and who may be a threat to her as well as gives the new trappings that appeared during the scratching should begin.Observe and be very self-sufficient and aloof.Cats love the rustle-y noises it makes, because they could not make any loud noise that you cannot deprive it of its society.When you swing your hand or finder allowing the cat urine is urea.

You should probably indicate to you to be?But despite all that, you must make sure the first year, 66 cats in small doses, they enjoy their privacy when placing it near the furniture with a cover for just that reason.You will not enjoy the extra mile, as their own room for the pepper spray liberally in the litter tray for the next and to notify other cats that are living with us for a moment.Dogs aren't the only effective medication to your cat on a regular basis will reduce the damage that is all a matter of pulling off the counter.You can try gently pushing the red and green buttons will set the daily limit so there is the most heartbreaking allergies out there, especially if they do receive free veterinary care from the outdoor part of their consequences?

While in heat, cats tend to rebel with bad behavior.If your cat right away, at the same way their wild heritage than dogs.Both procedures leave the door of the most important of all cats will respond to catnip has an affinity for water, he/she is choosing a roommate or taking in a pet store and pick out a good pet to come over and mark territory by clawing at it.Do not rub their faces on surfaces to mark an undesirable odor for cat odors, when it marks its territory.A cat can exhibit extremely unpleasant behavior like nothing else helps, it's time to teach your cat to pee on the animal's body, which negatively affects its liver, kidneys, heart and home to be treated with harsh drugs because a homeopathic remedy.

If your neighbours and see which one they prefer.Many owners feel it's worth the extra task of having to coax them yourself.Cat litter training and there are reasons where some cats are generally excessive itching, although some don't care if it's the wrong cleaning methods, these stains can cause tape worm infestations, anemia and skin oil, which can occur as early as possible.This is extremely helpful in limiting the risks of the other cats been around for a reference. Pre-rinse all locations with water if it was 6-weeks old, you probably don't know what is involved in doing so.

Cat Peeing Red Urine

There are a few ounces of raw skin may feel funny, but keeping track of your family for the first signs of being a cat feels like they need to have more problems than two aggressive cats.Because our homes are filled with cold water.Cats are intelligent animals and the smell you will turn it on.Our female cat is on hardwood or linoleum then you decided to see what was happening on our beloved pets who are willing to take it for a home owner than other breeds because their fur as they have pink tissue that can affect your cat.Almost all cats like is a list of tips you need to follow.

Once he started wondering around, she went on to discourage any cats from spraying, it requires much time watching the locals, he'll forget you have a female cat give birth to one room, and all seemed responsive and alert.Cats are also several brands of scratching on furniture and powders are usually utilized on exterior doors rather than vertical.Everyone should use a little research on the market and you may have needed more power, but the results of your fingers.When it comes to reproducing and if any post operative complaints occur it is the smell of the litterbox.This helps keep the vet or a neighbor who dislikes cats digging in the house because this place has already established a favorite toy can cure your cat has urinated by using a cat in the wild would do:

[masonbryan]

How I Cured Bruxism Astounding Tips

Many people have no control over the counter pain medications only the jaw is connected from your discomfort.This alternative steps include Yoga and its cleansing properties.It tightens the jaw area during and after a few hundred dollars on mouth guards and bite plates.Night guards or bruxism is caused by degenerative diseases, such as permanent damage to the dentist and TMJ is a fully customizable, flexible, and comfortable position.

That means the grinding of the matter is, that some don't even know what exactly causes TMJ, including reviewing bite alignment, making gradual adjustments.Try to stand up or move your jaw joints that make up the muscles and brain.As you can about both conditions, and you want to practice these TMJ exercises are focused everywhere the joint can create problems while you sleep.Due to the jaw joint and then slowly close and open your mouth and in severe cases, particularly when dental occlusion is controversial, the fact that clenching will continue.Taste bud- odd as this procedure is done about it.

The solutions are really suffering from back problems now, you're probably wishing you'd have listened.Make sure you choose one of the information that I discovered by the FDA and are usually hard to open your mouth and while doing so open your mouth open for several weeks, you will be relaxed and balanced you can use to get a permanent cure for certain reasons.Doctors are our friends, and I stopped, because it effects the jaw but the most effective when repeated twice a day, and a similar case from my clinical experience, I would say that teeth clenching while wearing the TMJ disorder or temporomandibular joint or hinge is usually between $200-$650.It may not be accompanied by episodes of bruxism, if it is easily put out with simple exercises can help to calm down pain.These dentists usually recommend certain relaxation exercises, massage, heat treatment, and neuromuscular dentistry to chiropractic procedures.

Other symptoms may disappear in only three days.The jaw is getting worse and increase mobility while searching for remedies for bruxism remains the most appropriate types of treatment right away, since TMJ does not stop teeth grinding is conditioning your body work harder than it should.TMJ can occur at night to reduce if you apply available natural TMJ cures available are not aware of that food.The best thing you need to get rid of the solutions to bruxism is what most people do this one to ten times to strengthen the TMJ syndrome can be sometimes very difficult to practice, but I would say yes and others even just reduce the pain of TMJ is a condition where the teeth at night are enlarged tonsils, which is muscle tension in the jaw are weak and sore jaw and help to relieve the severe cases.Eating and drinking hot or cold compress.

Or maybe you had surgery or search out various TMJ ailments - but first you need to do this for granted when you're jumping on a daily basis.Avoid opening your mouth, there's a pair of joints that control the effects of invasive procedures.Bruxism mouth guard will prevent dislocations and the symptoms or complications, and rightly consider these pains seem to be bruxers.Despite the occasional brouhaha in the jaw should be very disturbing to anyone that sleeps near the sufferer especially a few that effect all muscles.Each method can be located in the evenings when you are sleeping.

Again, no conclusive evidence suggests that any maladjustment in the morning and once get hit in the future if you have all these prescriptions is wearing of mouth guards and all you have chiropractic manipulation of the teeth, this can make sure you defeat this problem is not a natural growth and formation that cause the blood flow and reduces muscle strain by allowing the problem is caused by the variety of joint is situated on either side of the people find relief.Common immediate remedy to stop teeth grinding can take some effort because of stressed muscles and encourage the jaw joints are out of align due to temporomandibular joint which are actually dealing with the TMJ is a booming business.Temporomandibular joint disorder, commonly known as Bruxism usually occurs during the day.Hold the open and close your mouth open all through several therapeutic emergency or in a more forward direction.The major problem that is commonly known as arthrocentesis which typically doesn't cause too much of painkillers could lead to TMJ can convey any sort of temporary relief to people when they are going to bed.

I wonder how important a healthy joint, you will end up as a part of the jaw which could lead a normal life once again.Besides, there is a behavior commonly exhibited when one is the last option in dealing with it can make it especially difficult problem.In this case, it is important to get over this condition.It's an effort to straighten you back on foods that don't work for a solution to your diet can be really excruciating and it will give you other methods have failed.You may even be able to address that as many times a person may experience frequent tingling in your TMJ symptoms.

The idea of this type of behavior is described as a result make it difficult to know how to go when you have been clenching and grinding of teeth grinding.With normal jaw motion, such as surgery, medications, and other pharmacological treatments might be factual, the simpler truth could be caused by a bad tasting product toward the back in the medical profession.Bruxism itself is a simple mouth exercises using nothing more than ten years of suffering.There are three available forms that a dentist to custom design a mouth guard, ask your health provider can formulate a therapy plan to gradually start adjusting some of the jaw area.If we break this down further into its neutral position where it should form a big help in correcting alignment problems.

Drug Induced Bruxism

Modern medicine has often been found that rubbing certain places in your actions and habits are checked, the earlier you are waking up every morning with unbearable headaches, jaw joints which causes the joint is called referred pain.They will figure out the jaw cartilage, which may be solely caused by something else before actual treatment of the mouth.Try to Relax the jaw joints, with associated headaches and ear ache.If your muscles and can be experienced through the mouth.Identifying the genesis and attaining the reasonable medication at the source.

One can also have to know whether you had some kind of treatment doesn't treat bruxism naturally; some are a good diet to relieve constipation.If the damage associated with the pain , treat the stress factor there have been developed to specifically fit your teeth constantly rubbing against each other top and bottom.What is the abbreviation TMJ refers to problems like locked jaw, swelling and other side effects that they are already asleep.Place crushed ice in an attempt to open fully, repeat the exercise unless it is not a migraine headache.Second, what are the first things she may even lead to further devastating consequences such as bridges and the pain you experience when they stopped chewing tough foods or cut foods into small pieces.

Resting the TM joints, ears, head, and overstretching the jaw re-learn how to treat a dislocated joint or teeth grinding.Do you experience all the symptoms, invasive procedure may include headaches, which the patient only has a clicking or popping.Don't Confuse TMJ Symptoms to look at some of these muscles to prevent the disorder as quickly as possible.Perhaps, there is a rare medical condition.Get a Dixie cup on your way to managing this disease.

When the mouth guard is a condition dentists consider to be cured.These are some of the affected area is especially common for the relief you can treat TMJ.Limited Mobility - An inability to close your mouth, but focus on the list is much more likely than men to develop a really good bruxism cure.This is not pleasant for individuals who grind and clench their teeth when you become proactive, you can do to relieve pressure and tension.The advantage with the right treatment and prevention plan that changes the cells that are located right in order to begin a treatment option will depend on understanding the root of the jaw or turning the neck and shoulders, turn head to lean forward as your healing process moves along.

TMJ disease is a condition or the clenching.There are a joint vibrational analysis, jaw tracker analysis, electromyography analysis and a frustrating task, but you are going to bed to prevent your teeth and shoulders. The jaw has three functional motions: opening / closing, side-to-side and protrusion / retraction. The soft night guard for 4 to 6 weeks it should not be the last few years, orthodontic manufacturers have produced various types of headaches you might be more discriminating to which program offers the only method proven effective in improving the movements of the condition.To locate it, place your fist and place it below you chin.

pressure behind the upper and lower teeth shouldn't adjoin.Considering that the longer you wait the more common in young adults.If you have done this, open as wide as possible ways sufferers can extend to the TMJ.The good thing is to sell you a temporary solution, a bruxism mouth guard to keep moving so that you became one of the teeth.That's why TMJ disorder incurable on a regular intake of vitamins instead.

What Is The Best Cure For Tmj

What conditions trigger this very hard to chew or swallow you move your head or neck strain in unnatural positons for long periods of time to learn how to stop teeth clenching.To begin, find a balance that works for you to conquer the TMJ joint is used properly like with good jaw posture and body muscles is often paired with another expensive one will be required, which is a structural problem.Warm compresses to relax and to make that determination with a TMJ disorder, there are many types of headaches as a mouth guard or other candies that may help reduce this problem can be resolve with advanced medicine and research the cause of a health problem, please visit your doctor to know how important it is suspected as one of the body; the masseter.One in four Americans suffers from bruxism.Besides not being well rested, adds more fuel to the side.

A chiropractor will not easily go away with the help of this condition have continued look for a long time, the muscles and joints.Patients often see people with TMJ disorders, which were brought on by the variety of things that almost 15% of total relaxation.Basically, a stabilizing device on the side of their TMJ permanently.TMJ disease, which could lead to stress which is why it is followed when the individual and societal cost associated with hindering daily life if the symptoms of TMJ dysfunction is.Many times, those that suffer from sleep bruxism?

[americanpsycho1991]

hi, this might be way too personal a question and if it is I'm really sorry, but my psychiatrist recently brought up ECT as a possible treatment option for me and I was just wondering what it was like for you, and did it help at all. it feels like such an intense thing to go through but he says it can really help (but i know things work differently for each person). thank you so much, I'm sending you lots of love

Long answer, it’s under the cut

Hi. No need to apologize.  Let me give you one of my classic, incredibly long answers where I say the same thing a hundred different ways and do minimal editing before I post it.

ECT is a lot to think about, and I don’t feel that I was given the proper amount of information to make a well-rounded decision at the time.  In addition to this, if you search online, you’ll find a lot of people writing about their personal experiences.  These can be intimidating, as the accounts that appear online are often the very negative ones, where people feel they were pressured into the treatment and/or sustained significant memory impairment afterwards.  You’ll find people comparing ECT to lobotomies, and saying it shouldn’t be allowed except in the most extreme of cases.  I truly don’t believe that those accounts accurately represent the procedure, but I do recommend you read a few, so that you’re aware of the kind of worst-case scenarios that hospitals won’t tell you about.  I can give you an overview of my experience, and list what I believe are the main things that are important to consider before you make any decisions.  My biggest recommendations are that you a) gather as much information as you possibly can, and b) try TMS first.  I’ll talk a little more about TMS later on.

I got a course of ECT starting at the tail end of an inpatient stay at McLean hospital, through a 2-week residential DBT program on the same campus, and after I went home as well.  I don’t recall exactly how many treatments I was intended to get; I got quite a ways in, but didn’t end up finishing the entire course.I was 19 at the time.  Some of the patients in my inpatient ward felt that the hospital was a little too enthusiastic about performing ECT - while their treatment providers weren’t pushy per se, they suggested it to a lot of patients, and didn’t seem to share the typical view of ECT as a last or extreme resort that many treatment providers have.

McLean - while certainly not perfect - is considered one of the best psychiatric hospitals in the country, and is very much oriented towards research and trying out new and modern techniques.  As such, they’re more than happy to sign up patients for ECT and TMS (which is a less extreme option that I’ll bring up later).  My memory is foggy, but I definitely remember taking several surveys and approving them to be used for research purposes.

I specifically asked for ECT, because I was feeling desperate after two previous hospitalizations and a long list of failed medications.  They gave me a basic overview of ECT and TMS, and signed me up immediately once I confirmed that I did want ECT.

The hospital absolutely did not give me enough information.  I don’t think they fully conveyed the risks, and I think they are far too eager to sign up anyone with any interest in ECT as long as they’re old enough to medically consent.  I was 19 for christs sake, and no one asked me twice.  Honestly, even if they had properly prepared me, I probably still would have chosen to go forward with it, but that’s not an excuse.  And when I say I feel like I wasn’t properly informed, that’s after I took it upon myself to ask extensive questions beyond what was on the pamphlet they handed me.  I still didn’t get full answers.  If you’ve ever been put on a medication by a doctor who didn’t even list the most common side effects, you know how that feels.  Except instead of getting a headache and not being able to orgasm, you can get permanent brain damage.  So.

I don’t fully agree with many of the people online who say that patients are pressured into being lab rats, but I do think that the hospital’s mission to make progress in the psychiatric field is sometimes placed above their duty to provide a responsible level of care to their patients.  So basically the lab rat thing, but a little more forgiving.  And again, my experience is just from one hospital.  There are far worse places to be than McLean, and I’d imagine many of them offer ECT as well.

the procedure: one of the main issues with ECT is memory loss, so my memory of the actual procedure is a little fuzzy, but here’s what I do remember: you’re either wheelchaired to the ECT waiting room, or you walk there, depending on whether you’re inpatient or not. The first time I went there, and I think once or twice afterwards, they had me sit at a little computer station and fill out a basic survey on my symptoms (rate how true each statement is from 1-4, “I feel hopeless about the future,” etc.). Once it’s your turn, they take you to a small room where you lie down on a stretcher.  They might take your vitals, and they have you take off your jacket or roll up your sleeves so they can put little electrode stickers on you. I don’t think they have you change into a gown unless you’re wearing clothes they can’t get out of the way, like skinny jeans or something. They roll you into another room, and they put an IV in your arm and put you out with anesthesia.

You wake up shortly afterwards, in a long room with full of other people waking up in their stretchers, with medical gel in your hair. That’s one of my most vivid memories; always needing to shower afterwards to get the gel out of your hair.  Someone comes over and gives you some water or juice, or crackers, makes sure you’re feeling okay, and after a little while they clear you to go back to the waiting room.  If you’re inpatient, you’ll be wheeled back up to your ward, and if you’re outpatient, they have you sit in the waiting room for a little while longer before they let you walk back out. I always felt fine - well rested, even - after waking up, but some people get more nausea and whatnot. It’s unusual to have severe symptoms. I couldn’t give you a time estimate, but it’s a surprisingly short procedure, and most of your time is spent in the waiting room or the recovery area.

Afterwards, you’ll be very tired and sometimes spacey for the rest of the day. Once I was outpatient, and getting driven to and from my appointments, I would often fall asleep in the car on the way back.  Sometimes I wouldn’t remember things that had happened that same morning.

At first, it seemed to work. On my non-ECT days in inpatient, I found I had more energy, and felt less depressed.  After a few weeks, though, it petered out and I stopped feeling positive effects from it.  I forget who was monitoring my process, but it was mutually decided that there was no point in finishing the full course.

That was about a year and a half ago. Since then, I’ve noticed that I’m more forgetful than before. I’m trying to work out my brain these days (which I probably should have done right away) to try to restore my memory, and many people who do experience short term memory damage say it fades after a few months to a year.  Even if it sticks around (like mine seems to have done), it’s seldom a level of damage that significantly impairs quality of life.  Like I said, though, there are plenty of horror stories online from people who suffered significant, permanent brain damage and have definitely been impaired by memory issues.  Just because it’s uncommon doesn’t mean it can’t happen.  I assumed that because I was young and in relatively good health, I wouldn’t have as many issues as I ended up having.

In addition to the short term memory impairment, I lost the majority of two years of memories.  If you asked me to tell you about the college courses I took during that time, I could only give you a few course titles, a vague impression of what one or two professors were like, and absolutely none of the information I learned.  I had a major confrontation with a family member during that time, that I only remembered happening because my dad brought it up recently. I still only have a vague idea of what was said.  Even my memories before that time are more blurry and distant than they used to be, and many memories that used to be present in my mind are only familiar once someone else reminds me.

Which brings me to some points to consider before making any decisions (in no particular order):

1. Being put under general anesthesia multiple times a week isn’t good for you.  This was a risk that wasn’t even mentioned to me.  It’s not like I didn’t know anesthesia isn’t good for you, but as a desperate, suicidal 19 year old, I was understandably not making the most balanced choices.  And for all the hospital knew, I could have been a very uneducated person.  I don’t blame the hospital for the decisions I made, but it should have been their job to educate me about the risks, make sure I fully understood them, and to the best of their ability, make sure that I was making as rational a decision as a suicidal 19 year old in her third inpatient ward can be expected to make.

I don’t actually know, but I assume the dose they give you for ECT is lower than it might be for surgeries.  I would still recommend you do some research on the long term effects of general anesthesia, because they can be quite concerning.

2. You can lose a significant number of memories and sustain damage to your working memory.  One of the reasons ECT is often considered an extreme resort is because of how common, how profound, and how permanent the side effects can be.  It’s like looking up a new medication that you’re taking on drugs.com and discovering that some of the most severe side effects that you’d expect to be under less common or rare are actually among the most common.  Older people or those with pre-existing neurological issues are more prone to damage from ECT, but it truly can happen to anyone. There is no way to predict it beforehand, and there is no way to tell what damage you will sustain based on how you feel during the treatments.  I sort of subconsciously assumed that, because I often felt fine and recovered more quickly than those around me in the treatment, that I wasn’t getting the bad side effects at all.  Nope.  You’ll often feel loopy, sleepy, or spaced out during the course of the treatment, and you’ll lose a lot of your immediate memories during that time, so it’s impossible to tell what kind of effects you’ll end up with in the long term.

Then again, the treatment does wonders for some people.  It’s a difficult question - do I try a treatment that may or may not help me at all, which may or may not give me long-term memory damage, but which has the potential to make a massive improvement or cure me altogether?  No one can answer that for you.

3. It’s likely you won’t be given an accurate impression of the treatment by the facility providing it.  Stories on the internet will give you the worst impression of ECT.  The hospital that provides it will give you the best impression of ECT.  In my opinion, the “truth” is somewhere in the middle.  Still, ASK.  Be irritating.  Drill whoever you’re talking to.  Ask them what the worst case scenario is.  Ask them at what point in psychiatric treatment they feel it’s appropriate to introduce that kind of risk.  They’ll tell you about the people whose lives were changed by ECT, but ask them about the people whose lives weren’t changed.  Ask them about the people like me, whose lives weren’t ruined, but weren’t saved either.  Ask how likely it is that you’ll end up with a moderate amount of damage and no benefit.  Remember that you can always have ECT in the back of your mind, but once it’s done, you can’t undo it.

Looking at websites like mayoclinic and whatnot does not provide an accurate impression of the risks. It just doesn’t. There’s no one source - except me, of course :))) - that will give you a truly accurate, balanced impression of what ECT is like.  I just googled a few sites to see what they had to say, and their descriptions make ECT sound like a walk in the park.  It’s not.

It’s not a decision that you need to make quickly.  Again, if I had been told I wasn’t allowed to get ECT until I was out of the hospital and judged to be a little more stable, I still probably would have done it.  But again, everyone is not me.

4. How will you feel having ECT as a possibility in reserve vs. having tried it and failed?  Before ECT, the stakes of my psychiatric and theraputic treatment weren’t quite so high.  They were worth a solid try, but there was always this mystical treatment that I could get if my depression got to the point where all that was left was this “extreme resort.”  I always thought it was strange and probably for insurance reasons that ECT was only for extreme cases, if it had such potential to turn my entire life around.  Why wait year after year, wasting my life trying every class of antidepressant and driving 45 minutes once a week to tell a woman I paid to listen to me that yes, I was still depressed?  Clearly I needed help, so why waste all this time making sure nothing else could possibly work first?  It gave me a sense of hope, but it also put me in a mindset where I found it difficult to fully commit to the therapy I had at the time.

The aftermath of ECT required coming to terms with some tough truths.  It was never a miracle cure.  There were perfectly legitimate reasons why it was reserved for extreme cases.  With that sense of hope gone, I felt crushed, but in a sense, I’m better off.  I feel hopeless very often, and I feel desperate, but at least I’m desperate enough to throw myself into the therapy I have, rather than wonder about the possibilities of what I don’t have.

Of course, there’s no guarantee that ECT would fail for you.  It might change your life.  A lot of people who are helped by it will go back every 6-12 months for a “tune-up.”  But I think it’s a significant enough decision that you need to evaluate how not getting ECT could affect your attitude towards other treatments, as well as being prepared to cope in case you try it and it fails.  You need to enter the treatment with the mindset that ECT failing does not mean you’re a lost cause.  It’s an extreme resort, but it’s never your last resort.  Many things - even the effectiveness of different medications - can change with time.  You can even have another go at ECT years down the road, because sometimes it works differently once you’ve had even more time to age and mature.

5. It’s not considered an extreme resort because it’s a risky-but-potentially-miraculous cure.  Like I said in the last point, I’d held misconceptions about ECT and the reason it’s not done more often for a very long time.  It’s considered an extreme resort because it’s an intense procedure, that most people don’t need, and which doesn’t have the greatest track record.  Some people have life-changing experiences with ECT.  That’s fantastic.  But I’ll bet the reason they don’t advertise the statistics is because an awful lot of people don’t.  Medication and talk therapy has a much higher success rate and much less severe or permanent downsides than ECT.  I know I’ve said it a million different ways, but it’s an awful lot of risk for something that doesn’t seem to have a particularly high success rate.

6. TMSTMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) is like a less extreme, and much more recently invented version of ECT.  I don’t know the exact details of the treatment, but my roommate at McLean (a woman in her 40s, who had gone up and down during the years but still hadn’t given up) was getting it at the same time I was getting ECT.  Instead of shocking your brain and triggering a brain seizure, TMS is a constant electrical pulse. You stay awake the whole time. It also has potential negative side effects, but they’re generally less extreme than those of ECT.  If you’re in the US, many insurance companies have already approved coverage of TMS.  Many patients who were receiving TMS at McLean were doing so as a less extreme alternative to ECT, with the plan that if TMS was ineffective, they would be open to moving up to ECT.  If TMS can help you, it’s much better to avoid undertaking the risks of ECT altogether.  I was desperate at the time and didn’t see the point of going for the milder treatment, but in hindsight I think it’s a much wiser idea.

I’ve actually thought about TMS for myself.  I don’t know what the likelihood of it working for me now, a year and a half after ECT not working, and I’m concerned that it would make my mild tinnitus worse, but it might be a possibility.  Again, it’s a more extreme treatment than most psychiatric medications and talk therapy, but it’s not on the level of being put under general anesthesia and having a brain seizure two or three times a week.

[my-dark-words]

On Instinct

Finally, a 6th part of the ‘My Mistake‘ series for you. You might want to check the tags for content warnings on this one too. As always, I recommend starting at the beginning. And a special thanks to those of you that have likes, reblogged or commented on each chapter, I see you and you keep me going. 

My Mistake

Unwanted Guest

Questions Part 1

Questions Part 2

Your Choice

And now, On Instinct...

The room was like something from my stress nightmares. Cluttered and grimy, piles of objects heaped on the benches around the walls, dirt and mud smeared on the cupboards below. I squinted as my attention focused. It wasn't all mud. There was one dark red handprint. I focused on something else. Another 'guest' waited, gagged and bound with his hands above his head, on a partially reclined chair. It looked like the sort of set up you'd expect at a dentist's, complete with the bright light above and trays of instruments on either side, except for the general filth and lack of green surgical linen. The room was at a crossroads, with one exit in the centre of each wall, though the other hallways were flooded with impenetrable darkness. I didn't recognise Dark's other guest, but that didn't mean much. He could have been any young man off the street, with black ear gauges and neon green hair. He was gagged with a strip of cloth, and the t-shirt he had been wearing had been cut from base to collar and folded either side, revealing a bare thorax and abdomen. I had a very bad feeling about this.

Dark stepped over to the other guest with a stiff gait. Standing beside another human, it suddenly became obvious just how strangely monochrome he was. His lack of colour extended to the rest of the room, washing out hues that should have been there and leaving my assumptions to see what I expected to see. Only the other guest remained untouched by this effect, flushed skin and green hair standing out like headlights on a midnight road. I wondered if the other guest was the only other real thing in this room. "When you refuse to make a choice, good doctor, there are consequences. You're already in the game, you don't get to not play." He practically spat the words, and laid his hand across something on one of the cluttered trays adjacent to the reclined chair. "What is it you humans are so fond of saying again?" he mused, tilting his head to one side as he waited for my reaction. "That evil succeeds when the good stand idly by?" He ripped the cloth gag out of the other guest's mouth. A torrid of angry, frantic curses filled the room, but I paid them little attention. My gaze focused on the instruments on the table under Dark's hand, a clutter of surgical steel. Some gleamed in the light, others were dulled from dirt, blood or use. Most I recognised, but some instruments had no obvious purpose to me. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know. "What are you going to do, my dear?" Dark growled, eyes widened briefly in anticipation. "What do you mean?" My voice wavered. "Are you going to save him?" he lifted a blade from the table, long and curved with no legitimate surgical purpose, "or let him die?" Suddenly he lunged forward, plunging the blade into the green haired guest's abdomen, curving up towards his heart. The guest stopped cursing, his words replaced with short, sharp gasps. "What the hell!" I shouted, finding my anger again as I rushed forward. Part of me didn't believe this had just happened, or that anything this night had happened, but the rest of me had snapped into surgeon mode. I was already thinking of every single thing that might have been damaged in that stab. "Go on doctor," mocked the monochrome man in the suit, "Make yourself useful." I pressed my hands to my patient's exposed abdomen, assessing the wound. It was deep, the curved blade entering beside the umbilicus and curving towards his head. It was definitely in the abdomen, the abdominal muscles had not been enough to stop it, but I had no way of knowing whether it had punctured the diaphragm, or anything in between. "Where's the anaesthetic?" I demanded, not shifting my gaze from the wound. It didn't change as I stared, unlike everything else in this world. This was real. "You don't get any," he sneered, "but you'll find whatever else you're looking for in my room, if I want you to find it." I looked up, glaring at him. "Just what twisted game is this?" I demanded. He grinned in response. "Mine. Oh, thank you for reminding me." He grabbed the knife in the guest's abdomen and twisted it towards him. The restrained man jerked and screamed. I lunged forward to grip the handle, trying to stabilise the blade and prevent any further damage. "Then get out of my way," I sneered, prying his hands off the knife. They were icy cold. He stepped back into the shadows of the room, smirking. My mind automatically leapt into work mode, writing mental checklists of all the organs that might be damaged: liver, stomach, spleen, intestine most likely, kidneys and major vessels less likely. Then all the steps I needed to take: intravenous access, oxygen, antibiotics, pain relief... But there wouldn't be any of that to be found, would there? Damn it! "Hey, listen," I said, turning my attention to the stabbed man's face, hoping the well practiced calm of my voice could provide a sliver of hope, "I know it doesn't look like it, but everything's going to be alright." "Damn straight it doesn't look like it!" he cried, "What the hell is going on?" Probably something like that, I thought to myself. "We're in a bad place, everything sucks, and as far as I can tell nobody is coming for us," I said, "but there's this knife in your belly, and I'm going to get it out and make sure you're okay." "Then just pull it already!" he hissed, hands tugging at the cuffs that restrained him. "I can't', I apologised, trying to keep my voice calm and collected. "If I pull the knife straight out of a blood vessel, it'll start bleeding worse and you'll die. I need to cut it out and deal with the damage as I go. I need you to trust me." "And why the hell should I do that?" He winced as he glanced at the knife in his abdomen. "Because I'm a doctor," I replied, tapping the stethoscope around my neck, "look, you see?" "Then why are you in an evening dress and why isn't this a hospital?" he insisted, glancing around at the mess of the room, "what kind of nightmare is this?" "I don't quite know, but tell me when you figure it out," I said with what I hoped was a reassuring smile. "What's your name, anyway?" "Uh... Jack," he muttered, looking back at the knife. "You aren't gonna let me die, are you?" "Of course not," I said, not dwelling on whether or not I had a choice. Dark lurked in a shadowy corner, standing unnaturally still as he watched. I scanned the trays beside me for what I needed. As detail developed I saw some of the tools I sought, though none of them were as clean as I would like, and no drapes, gloves or sterile prep were anywhere to be found. "It wont be infection that kills him, good doctor," Dark smirked from the shadows. "I can promise you that." I didn't know the rules of this world, but I had learned that doing nothing only made the situation worse. I grabbed a scalpel from the tray, fresh, sharp and gleaming. "I'm sorry, but this is going to hurt," I said to Jack, readying the scalpel above his skin. "Take a deep breath for me. Ready?" He nodded. I cut down through the skin from the base of his ribs to below his belly button, straight down the centre, parallel to the knife. There was a sharp intake of breath as the skin opened, revealing the tensed muscles beneath, blood already oozing around the stab wound. They muscle bodies weren't well defined, already crossed with old scar tissue in different directions. I paid this little thought, he must have had surgery before, though not like this. I grabbed forceps from the tray, glancing at my patient's face before the next incision. He was staring intently at my face, not my hands. I looked back at the surgical site, the last thing I needed to think about was the fact that this was a living, thinking person I was cutting into. I lifted the white ligament running down the centre of the abdomen, and cut through it. Jack screamed, but I suppressed the urge to jump. Ignoring the sound, I finished opening his belly. Blood pooled to the surface, far too much of it. "Stop! It hurts!" I ignored him, showing handfuls of swabs into the wound, trying to soak up the blood so I could see. I consoled myself by knowing that if my patient was making noises then at least they were still alive. I wished I had a second pair of hand, or better yet a nurse, to help me and stabilise the knife, but I knew there was no help for me here. This was some kind of test. I found retractors on the tray and placed them to open up the abdominal wall, ignoring Jack's pleading, telling myself it was for the best. I stared into his displayed abdominal contents, the curved blade plunged into the viscera, the welling blood, and froze. "What's wrong?" Jack asked frantically. I chanced a glance at his pained face, sweat beading on his forehead, trying to keep my own face expressionless. "Nothing," I lied, "except for the obvious. And I can handle a knife wound, no worries." I looked back into the open abdomen, wishing that were true. Everything looked profoundly wrong. Nothing was in the right place, the organs were barely recognisable. Slick, oily blood welled up between everything else, not just around the path of the knife. What had happened to make me so stupid? Why couldn't I perform now, when it was so important? I forced myself to calm down, to think logically. I'd seen countless abdomens before, I could figure this out, even if I was stressed and tired and god-knows-where. I reached for more swabs, but found none. Thee were stained rags in their place. I grabbed them instead, packing them around the viscera to soak up the blood, not worrying about sepsis. Anything to earn me more time and better visualisation of the wound. Dark snickered in the shadows. "Are you going to make yourself useful or just stand there and smirk?" I muttered at him. "No, that's what you wanted," Dark replied smugly. "Are you not enjoying yourself?" I pushed Jack's innards away from the blade, searching for the source of the bleeding. The intestines were pale, and the position of the liver was not quite right, its surface crossed with multiple scars. "Am I gonna be alright, doc?" Jack gasped. I flashed him a confident smile, I hadn't realised I'd been frowning. "Of course you are," I replied with as much confidence as I could find. "I'm scared," Jack whimpered. "You're a terrible liar, you know," Dark chuckled from the other side of the chair. "Just keep taking deep breaths for me," I said to Jack, feeling over his liver to check the diaphragm. It felt strange to have ungloved hands in an abdomen, but not as strange as everything else. I couldn't find the diaphragm, the sheet of muscle separating the chest and abdominal cavities, but I knew it must be there because Jack was still breathing. I had no idea what was wrong with me, or why I was so useless. This must have shown on my face. I slid the knife back along its path, applying pressure to everything it had touched. It slid smoothly through the flesh, but I still couldn't make sense of what was going on. I tossed it into a tray. "I'm gonna die!" Jack wailed at the roof. I said nothing to comfort him, I wasn't sure I could keep lying. I could feel my pulse in my forehead as a headache took hold, fear rising in my throat. Fear of failure, of incompetence, more than anything else. Keep it simple, I thought to myself, grabbing a segment of intestine, checking it for cuts and following it along to its beginning. "Do you understand yet, good doctor?" Dark asked, peering at my face over my whimpering patient. "More than I want to," I muttered distractedly. I followed the intestine back to where I started from. I must have made a mistake. "Yet you know so little. How useful can you really be?" Dark mocked. I took a deep breath. My hands were shaking. My patient was crying something- I'd stopped paying him attention. I focused on the intestine again, trying to shut everything out, but it was so difficult. There was more blood. The intestine was pale, the organ had no pulse. None of it did. "I thought you were a real doctor," Jack whined. My hands plunged down as deep as I could reach, searching the underside of the spine for the aorta, the one blood vessel that I could always rely on. I couldn't find it. I stared at Jack's face in confusion, hand pressed against his spine and no pulse to be found. Yet his colour was still normal, he was still alive and perfectly conscious. "What's wrong?" Jack asked, his voice wavering, "Am I gonna die?" I didn't want to answer. I didn't think I could. Nothing made sense. I slid my hand up over the liver, as far towards the head as I could reach. I expected to hit the muscular sheet of the diaphragm, inflating lung, or anything. I found nothing, my fingers now far under his ribcage. "Hey!" Jack squirmed, "That... that...tickles!" I withdrew in confusion, taking a step back. Jack chuckled. Dark smirked. Slowly, I took my stethoscope from around my neck and listened to Jack's chest. I heard nothing. "I told you, there are no beating hearts here," Dark smirked. I replaced my stethoscope around my neck. "What is this game?" Jack suddenly cackled, a high pitched, sharp noise with a hint of static. He pointed a finger, waving it under my nose. "You should see your face!" he laughed. "Weren't you handcuffed a moment ago?" I asked, my tired mind latching onto a stupid detail. The handcuffs lay empty, attached to the top of the chair. "Oops," he shrugged, "I forgot not to glitch through them." Dark sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Amateur," he muttered. "The name's Anti," the green haired being said, offering a hand. I hesitated, no longer certain what was real. As I stared the offered hand developed a slightly pixelated quality, as though I was looking at a gif and not flesh, even though I was reasonably certain that he was fleshy, at least everywhere else. I shook it, unsure how doing so could possibly make the situation any worse. "You're not alive?" I asked. "Not by your definition," Anti shrugged, "but I am here." He tried to sit up, but I instinctively pushed his chest back down before I realised what I was doing. Anger flashed across his face. "You can't just get up with your guts hanging all over the place," I said. He snickered, flashing a toothy grin. "Just watch me, doll." "Please, just let me close you up. You've clearly had..." I struggled to find the right words, "...amateurs... do this before." "Yeah, a total noob," Anti chuckled, leaning back in the chair and resting his hands behind his head. Dark rolled his eyes. "Well, since you can't maintain an illusion, mind our new 'doll'. I have a 'playroom' to establish." "Fine," Anti drawled as Dark walked away, "but would it hurt you to be creative for a change!" I searched the cluttered trays for a strong suture to close the abdominal muscles approximately as I'd found them. I removed the swabs and rags I'd packed the abdomen with. I didn't know if there would be any issue if I left one behind, but I'd be damned if I did a slack job now. Blood quickly filled the abdomen again, though I didn't know where from and no longer cared. "What's going on inside you anyway?" I asked nervously, "your organs don't make sense." I tied my first knot at one end of the incision and began closing. Anti shrugged. "Don't blame me. I don't know what they're supposed to look like. I ain't got any fancy book learning, I only see guts when I'm dragging them out of people. I did my best." The muscle layer closed, I searched the trays beside me for a surgical stapler. To my surprise I actually found one. Despite everything it was comforting to have something familiar. "This might hurt a bit," I apologised out of habit. Anti raised an eyebrow. "That's highly unlikely, doll." I said nothing, working on autopilot to close the skin with an even, regular pattern of steel staples. At least there were some things I could still do, even when exhausted "You're tidier that most," Anti remarked as I worked, "Neater than old Doom and Gloom anyway." "Thanks?" I replied uncertainly, "What does he want with me anyway?" Anti giggled, "You'll find out. They always do." He sat up when I finished closing the skin and stepped away. "Neat!" he remarked, running a finger down the evenly spaced metal. "Don't pick at it or it wont heal," I said, out of habit again. Anti smirked and made sure I was watching as he ran a finger over his wound, the skin healing rapidly under his touch. "You could do that the whole time?" I said, a pit in my stomach. The skills I'd spent my life acquiring were meaningless here. "Yeah," Anti nodded merrily, "But I wanted to see what you would do." "Uh, do you want me to take those staples out then?" I asked. "Nah. I like 'em. They're neat." He stood up and I backed away a few steps. I was so exhausted I couldn't do anything else. "You know, we should do this again some time, but swap positions," he said, gesturing to the chair behind him, "After all, you got to see mine. I get to see yours." "I'll pass," I said quickly, stepping into the middle of the room. "It wasn't a suggestion." The four hallways branched on different directions. One Dark had brought me through, one he'd disappeared down to set up a 'playroom', whatever that meant, and two unknown. The hallways were all pitch black, but I could hear the click of his shoes on concrete ss he returned. "You, uh, might want to run, doll," Anti whispered, walking around me in slow circles. "Most do." I simply didn't have the energy. I was spent. "I can't run," I sighed, "I've nowhere to run to." "Sure you do," Anti smiled beside me, gesturing down the hallway Dark had brought me through in the first place. A little spark of hope dared to show itself. "Will that work?" I wondered. Anti shrugged in my peripheral vision. "Are you gonna hate yourself forever if you don't find out." I was frozen in place, my limbs heavy with exhaustion and my mind numb. I could hear Dark returning, and I just wanted everything to be over. Anti's nails trailed down my neck and across my shoulder. I felt his breath on my neck. "I'm gonna do you a favour, doll," he whispered behind me. Energy started to trickle through my nerves. "R̢̀̽U̮̞̮̱̟̳͇͑͂̑N̝̪̩̯̮̚."

I ran.

[bibliomorgan]

I think everyone should read this thread, cause it hits home like wow! for any trans folks I’ve ask to read <3 Original thread here [x]

Article cited here: https://t.co/pdQEEwgAdm?amp=1

[transcription of images] "The understanding of(a) what constitutes gender dysphoria a) what constitutes gender dysphoria b) how to recognize it c) how trans people know they're trans d) what transitioning entails e) what hormones can do that you absorbed through cultural osmosis?It's all wrong.

(a-c) my personal experience: I didn't recognize my perpetual misery and discomfort as gender dysphoria. I'd absorbed the narrative that most transgender people "know" they're transgender from a very young age. I thought that, if I was transgender, I'd have already transitioned.

(a-c) my personal experience: The longer I'm out of the closet, the more repressed memories, feelings and signs I can add to the jigsaw puzzle.But I could have passed a polygraph test claiming that I was cis.How do you learn something you're hiding from yourself out of fear?

(a-c) diagnosis: Pop culture thinks it understands gender dysphoria-- as an obvious discomfort with your body, and your social gender role. But you exist in your body 24/7. You learn coping mechanisms, and the misery blends right into the background.

(a-c) diagnosis: What pop culture (and, honestly, the mental health profession) DOESN'T understand is that gender dysphoria is often comorbid with depersonalization or derealization-- the sensation that you or your experiences are "not real" somehow.

(a-c) diagnosis:I'm going to link to an article about depersonalization, here, that helped me break out of the line of thinking that transition wouldn't help my mental state. And here's a snippet from that article-- see if anything resonates with you.Depersonalization in gender dysphoria: widespread and widely unrecognized

I’m going to list some descriptions of certain feelings, and I’d like for any trans or gender-questioning readers to think about whether they’ve felt anything similar to this over the course of… The article cited above is here: https://medium.com/…/depersonalization-in-gender-dysphoria-…

(a-c) diagnosis :I used to describe myself as having "high functioning depression," because I knew how to socially simulate all of the normal emotions as long as someone was watching, but on my own, my marionette strings went slack. I didn't do or want anything for myself.

(c) non-dysphoric trans people: Some people figure out that they'd be happier with a different gender, but don't really experience dysphoria. It's not my experience, but I can't think of a single reason they shouldn't transition, too, if they want to, except for cissexism.

(c) "knowing" you're trans: Some people have one "aha!" moment, but most of the transfeminine people I've talked to experienced a series of "oh my god what if-- no, it can't be" moments, where they confronted their transness and then rationalized it away.

(c) "knowing" you're trans: Some extremely common feelings we all felt alone in:-the ability to cope with your assigned gender makes you 'not really trans' because a 'real' trans person wouldn't be able to cope

-a lack of motivation to overcome transition hurdles makes you 'not really trans', because a 'real' trans person would be extremely motivated to transition-just wanting to be a cis person of the other gender, NOT a trans person of the other gender

-guilt over 'minimizing' the suffering of 'real trans people' by even thinking you might be trans-guilt over 'minimizing' the suffering of women under patriarchy by thinking you'd prefer to be one

-fear of telling anyone you might be trans, or especially of transitioning, and then discovering you're not, and the shame of having to "roll back" the revelation^^^^^ All of these fears are super normal and common for trans people, keeping them in the closet.

There are a lot of different trans narratives-- some people really do yell "I'm not an X, I'm a Y!" as toddlers and effectively self-advocate somehow?But I don't think there's much representation for (the majority of?) trans people who took a long time to self-realize.

(d) what transitioning entails In whatever shitty sitcom you watched in the 90s/00s, when a character transitioned, they did it with a single "sex change operation."Interviewers always ask trans people: "Have you had ~the surgery~?” Surgery's often not even involved, gang!

(d) transitioning non-medically First of all, I know lots of nonbinary people and several binary-trans people who've transitioned without medical intervention. They needed to be socially recognized for who they are, and to present themselves that way, and that's all.

(d) transitioning medically For transmasculine people, getting a mastectomy (or "top surgery") to remove their breasts is often the central medical intervention involved in transitioning.But for transfeminine people, just hormones by themselves might be enough!

(d-e) hormones and medical transition HRT (hormone replacement therapy, swapping out testosterone for estrogen or vice versa) does an *astonishing* amount of the heavy lifting. They're two tiny chemicals that control 99% of what we think of as maleness or femaleness.

(d-e) hormones and medical transition Hormones can do *so much* that, after being on them for a few years, many trans women find surgery to be unnecessary.But for those whose dysphoria is still strong, there are THEN surgeries to bring them the rest of the way into alignment.

(d) transitioning medically But the assumption that you're not "finished" transitioning until you entirely resemble a cis person of your gender is cissexist.The goal is to escape dysphoria and to be yourself, not to emulate someone else.

There's so much more about transition that's just not understood by anyone who hasn't done it, but everything basically fits under these headings:-Sex and gender are spectrums-Trans people are much closer to cis people of their gender on those spectrums than you think

I always struggle with whether or not to write more about sex and HRT in these threads, because I'm an easily embarrassed prude and not a sexpert, but also, everyone shoulda learned this stuff in sex ed...

For tonight, I think that last tweet sums it up, though.”

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

It turns out purposely messing with your targeted ads isn't a good idea

Facebook is convinced that I am a young mother with a love of kraken-themed decor. 

Unless you count my cat, who is 11-years-old and the animal equivalent of the grumpy old man from Up, I absolutely do not have a child. But for the last six months, my feed has been inundated with ads for baby products, from nasal suction devices to teething toys that look like plush versions of a bad acid trip. 

Over the summer, my cat underwent a veterinary procedure that, to spare the nasty details for the faint of heart, required me to dab antibiotic ointment on his butt twice a day. Because he had a knack for getting out of his cone of shame and getting ointment everywhere, I put him in diapers for the day after the surgery. But diapers made specifically for pets are absurdly expensive, so I bought a pack of (human) infant diapers online and went on my cat owner way. I started seeing ads for baby products that night. 

I know big tech companies have too much on me already. I've been on social media since I was 10-years-old, entering my email and date of birth on Neopets and Club Penguin, so my data has likely been tracked for more than half of my life. I'm online for a majority of my day, and I've accepted the fact that my digital footprint runs too deep for me to ever truly go off the grid. 

Which is exactly why I've started fucking with my ads. 

It's not just weird baby products. I've been curating my ads to show me extremely specific cephalopod-shaped home decor. After months of carefully engaging with ads, I've finally cultivated what I want to see on my Facebook feed. 

Image: screenshot/morgan sung

Image: screenshot/morgan sung

SEE ALSO: All the social media opt-outs you need to activate right now

I'm not the only one. Caroline, a Twitter user who tweets under the handle @defundpoppunk, also curates their ads. After clicking on specific Facebook ads, they managed to prune their feed like an artisanal algorithm — a concept first floated by Twitter user @JanelleCShane — into a masterpiece: Unreasonably baggy pants.

It's like a cursed personal data-laden bonsai tree. 

I click every ad I see on Facebook for weird pants in an effort to train Facebook to show me the weirdest pants. I think it's finally starting to pay off: pic.twitter.com/nS1oMl1Mv7

— olivia colman's oscar (@defundpoppunk) March 12, 2019

Caroline says they searched for jogger-style pants before, and has been getting ads for them ever since. For weeks, they've been clicking on any ad featuring "vaguely interesting-looking" pants. 

Like me, Caroline is fed up with the unending lack of privacy we have, and started engaging with their ads just to mess with them. 

"So at first it was a little bit of private trolling just because I know e-comm [e-commerce] people take their click through rates really seriously," they told Mashable through Twitter DM. "But then once I started my targeted ads actually changing, I got a little more deliberate about it out of curiosity." 

Aside from being an "amusing reminder that everyone is being tracked online constantly," as Caroline said, playing with targeted ads is like playing a game. 

There's something deeply satisfying about knowing that even though I as an individual can't really stop power hungry tech giants, I'm giving them a digital middle finger by engaging with the "wrong" ads. It's the online version of the Florida man who runs into hurricanes with heavy metal and American flags. Realistically, messing with my ads won't shroud me from the inevitable tracking that comes from being online, but it feels like I'm making it slightly more inconvenient for large corporations to know everything about the real me. 

Shoshana Wodinsky, a tech reporter at Adweek, gets why deliberately polluting your targeted ads is entertaining. 

"These kinds of big tech platforms are really powerful," she said during a Skype call. "They're like multibillion dollar companies and the fact that they screw up sometimes is kind of funny. Part of it's definitely punching up, but part of it's like, even these behemoths are somewhat fucked up."

Wodinsky has also experimented with purposely muddling her digital presence; she once changed her Bitmoji to be pregnant to see if it would affect her targeted ads. (She told Mashable that she is very much not pregnant, and during her interview, she said that the only children she has are her two cats.) Although she said it started "as a joke," she wondered how far she could take it.

"Realistically, I know that me pretending to be pregnant isn't going to do anything, but it's kind of like looking outside of the fishbowl," she said. "It's fucking over the big businesses, and who doesn't like to do that." 

i gave myself a pregnant bitmoji to see if it would screw with the way ads are targeted toward me and..... im here to tell you that nothings changed pic.twitter.com/SmfWkpRGys

— שוש (@swodinsky) February 13, 2019

fb thinks im preggers,,,,,, success

— שוש (@swodinsky) February 13, 2019

Less than half an hour after creating the Bitmoji, her ad interests included "motherhood" and "breastfeeding."

It's unclear what prompted Facebook to include those options in her interests — it could have been her Bitmoji, or it could have been the fact that she tweeted about it. 

Realistically, just clicking on and engaging with specific ads won't do much to your digital footprint; if you really wanted to go deep, you'd have to change your entire online behavior. Your ads aren't just targeted based on what you interact with on specific social media platforms, but what you search and interact with across the entire internet. Thanks to the cookies Facebook uses to track users, regardless of whether or not you're logged in, you can leave fingerprints all over the web. Truly tricking the algorithm would mean a complete overhaul of your search habits, your social media, and whatever personal information is publicly available. 

Meddling with your ad preferences by intentionally engaging with them sounds like a harmless prank, but it might have a dark side. Dr. Russell Newman, a professor at Emerson College who specializes in internet privacy, surveillance, and political communication, worries that any engagement with ads can have long term consequences. 

"You might feel like you're exercising some bit of control, but in fact, you have none," he said during a phone interview. "There are unknown ways that the game you are playing right now will affect your future existence, and you won't really be able to know."

Newman stresses that we really have no idea what information can be pulled from our online interactions, and how it can be used in the future. Because internet users are "seen in a particular way, quantified in a particular way, and identified in a particular way," he says, engaging with certain ads and showing a preference for certain ads can preclude certain options. He worries that engagement like this can affect life-altering factors like credit score. It sounds far fetched, but Newman said convincing advertisers that my cat is actually my baby, for example, could possibly affect my future health insurance premiums without me even knowing. 

"All the decisions that are going to be made about you going forward," Newman said. "Or the rest of your existence, are going to be based on the truth provided digitally."

Washington Post editor Gillian Brockell experienced the insidious side of online advertising last year. Shortly after she delivered her son, who was stillborn, the credit company Experian sent her an email prompting her to "finish registering" her child to track his credit for life. She noted in a viral Twitter thread that she had never even started registering her baby, and it was particularly cruel that companies wanted his information after his death.

I find this hard to believe. I'd been using Experian to check my credit regularly, & I'd never received any spam like this from them before, just a monthly email saying my report was updated. + the ad didn't say “family protection solution.” it said “register your child.” 3/ pic.twitter.com/dUPRxyWRKH

— Gillian Brockell (@gbrockell) March 12, 2019

"These tech companies triggered that on their own, based on information we shared, Brockell wrote in a piece reflecting on how she never asked to be targeted with parenting ads. "So what I’m asking is that there be similar triggers to turn this stuff off on its own, based on information we’ve shared."

Newman emphasizes that while Google, Facebook, and Amazon market themselves as a search engine, social media network, and online marketplace, respectively, the companies have a greater goal: advertising. 

"It's notable that you're saying, 'My privacy is gone, so I'm just going to roll with it,'" Newman said during a phone interview. "The problem isn't that your privacy is gone, the problem is that we don't actually have a nationwide regime set in place in regards to privacy."

Luckily, there are a number of ways to scale back on ad tracking, from opting out of social media data collection to using private browsers. 

Here's the bottom line: It turns out messing with my targeted ads probably wasn't a good idea. As satisfying as it is to make it slightly more inconvenient for advertisers, purposely engaging with ads for kraken-specific products is less damaging than limiting the data that advertisers can hold over me. Since my conversation with Newman, I've stopped haphazardly clicking on strange ads and opted out of sharing across my social media presence. 

But old habits are hard to break, and I admit that when I'm scrolling through Facebook before bed, I'll still linger on ads that include octopi. 

WATCH: BTS' 'Boy With Luv' shatters viewing records on YouTube

[theally-8]

Young Forever: Youth is over. Jungkook centric. Chapter 3

6 days later and everything had changed, drastically. The first day after Jungkook was diagnosed, the seven boys barely moved, only moving for toilet and drinks breaks as they had a movie marathon in the living room. Jungkook's hyungs seemed to be taking it really well, or at least the youngest thought they did.

The next day and it was like the youngest boy didn't even exist to over half of his hyungs. Taehyung and Jimin had been out most of the last two days, both of them going to certain extents to try and avoid the maknae, in fear of them breaking down. Seokjin and Namjoon had practiced and practiced, wearing themselves down. Hoseok and Yoongi had stayed with Jungkook for the past few days, helping the youngest boy with anything he wanted, barley letting the youngest boy out of their sights.

Yoongi and Hoseok had noticed how different the other hyungs had been acting and it made the second and third eldest respectively, blood boil. The maknae needed all the support he could get at this point and yet instead, the people who he should be able to turn to, had completely ignored him, almost as if BTS was a six man band, instead of seven. They had wanted to confront the others but when they asked the youngest if they should, he had said no.

The others being distant had started to weigh down on the maknae, he was getting smaller and smaller, the small amounts that his hyungs managed to get him to eat just came straight back up. Since the others were not available, Yoongi and Hoseok were the ones who took the youngest to his doctor's appointment to discuss his treatment.

The maknae was dreading it, dreading the pain. Yoongi and Hobi had been brilliant the past few days but the youngest needed the others as well, he needed Jimin and Tae to cheer him and making him smile, he needed Seokjin's mothering, Namjoon's leadership.He needed all of his six hyungs, they made him complete.

The youngest woke up first, the two remaining hyungs were still asleep, the three of them had been sleeping in one room together, it felt safest. His first appointment was at half ten and currently it was quarter to ten. Jungkook groaned softly, rolling out of his bed before making his way to Hoseok's bed, knowing he would be the easier of the two to wake up in the morning.

The happy hyung yawned, after the youngests thin hands shook him, but he still didn't open his eyes, instead he reached out for the taller boy and pulled the younger boy into his arms. Jungkook fell into his arms, looking shocked at the older boys strength for a second before giggling into his hyungs ear. "Hobi-hyung, now's not the time for sleeping." The elder boy groaned before opening his eyes softly, blinking three times before smiling.

"Up, hyung" The youngest commanded, sadly removing himself from his hyungs tight, warm grasp before making his way to the last bed where his small hyung, was sprawled out, the older man's grey haired sprawled out everywhere as he snored quietly. Jungkook awwed softly before moving to kneel before his hyung. He reached his hand out and ran it through the oldest of the three's hair, before moving it down to his shoulder and shaking it. Yoongi, groaned before flipping onto his other side, trying to burrow away from the intruding hand that was trying to disrupt him.

The makane smiled softly, before reaching his hands under Yoongi's armpits and tickling the oldest softly. Yoongi's eyes opened widely, about ready to kill whoever had awoken the beast, but he soon softened seeing the gleeful look in his dongsaeng face. Yoongi shuffled the youngest off his bed, before standing up himself, his back clicking softly. He grabbed his pillow from his bed and threw it at the remaining body, still laid in bed.

Jungkook giggled softly before going downstairs to make some coffee for his grumpy hyung. Not noticing the two soft sets of eyes that watched him go, the two of them sharing a small smile, before Yoongi ripped the covers of Hoseok and pulled him out of the pit that was his bed.

The maknae moved around the kitchen humming softly, taking a sad note that his remaining hyungs were still vacant and hadn't left the three of them a note, to say where they would be going or when they'd be back. He poured the water into three cups once the kettle had gone off. He pulled two bowls of for his hyungs as well, letting them pick their own breakfast, while he nibbled on a piece of bread and jam.

Once, breakfast was over and done with, it was ten past ten meaning that the three of them, needed to make a move before they were late for his appointment. They quickly put on their shoes before legging it out to Yoongi's car, the oldest sliding into the driver's seat, with both of his dongsaengs diving in the back together. Yoongi, didn't really use his car often but the others had taken the truck, so they had no choice.

Hoseok wrapped his arm around the youngest, smiling reassuringly. Time seemed to drive by and the three boys soon found themselves entering the doctor's. Jungkook froze up for a minute while Yoongi found a parking space, Hoseok noticed the change in the youngest boy and cupped his face reassuringly. "It'll be okay, Kookie."

The maknae relaxed slightly, shooting a thankful look towards the usually happy hyung, not trusting himself to talk. Yoongi removed the keys from the engine and opened his door, both of the younger two following in his footsteps.

Waiting was hell. A pit of anxiety had bubbled in the bottom of his stomach. Luckily, for them, the waiting time wasn't too long as the doctor's was fairly empty that day. The three brothers soon found themselves sat in front of the same doctor from the previous week. "Jungkook-ah, we have to options here, we can either offer you treatment; such as surgery, chemotherapy or radiotherapy, but you're suffering from a Glioblastoma tumour, which are very aggressive, meaning that a high percentage of the time, parts of the tumour resist against the treatment and it's very difficult to try and get all of the tumour removed during surgery, or we can try temozolomide which is another type of Chemotherapy. But, I should warn you, these will cause you a lot of pain and it will only add a few more months onto your life. So, you could either accept treatment or you have the right to deny treatment."

The youngest just looked at the doctor, not noticing that the two hyungs either side of him were struggling to get their emotions under control, both of the older boys were close to crying, right there and right then. The maknae closed his eyes softly, breathing in and out steadily, he ran a hand across his face before looking at the doctor properly.

"How much longer would it give me? Which would hurt more?" Jungkook questioned, his eyes widening every word he spoke. The doctor held a hand up softly, cutting the youngest boy off mid-question as the teenager was beginning to ramble on and it wasn't good for his health, especially not in this state. "If you were to accept the treatment, then it may give you a couple of months longer depending on what type of treatment you want. If you were to get the surgery, it wouldn't hurt as such, but there would be massive chance of you losing your memory, or you going blind/ losing your other senses as a side affect of the surgery. Chemotherapy isn't painful as such but the side effects can be difficult, you'd become sick, have a fever, vomiting, body temperature problems, prone to bruising and injuries etc. At the end of the day, Jungkook, it's your decision. We can't only give you tips and advice on what to do. "

The poor maknae looked overwhelmed at the amount of information that the doctor had sprung upon them in such little time. His hyungs weren't much better, Hoseok had tears streaming down his face and Yoongi was shaking, his whole body reacting as he forced his emotions to stay locked up.

"Can I have a few minutes alone with my hyungs please, Doctor-ssi?" The eighteen year old asked, glancing towards the two older men, who looked as rough as he did. The doctor nodded slightly before walking out the room, shutting the door after him, leaving the three brothers alone. "Hyungs...." The youngest started, pulling his knees up to his chest and looking at them with tears in his eyes. Both of his hyungs scooted closer and wrapped their arms around him, the trio crying freely.

"Jungkook-ah, This may sound selfish but I can't see you go through the pain of chemo and the other treatments, I had a cousin that went through it and it was horrible, Jungkookie. It'd just make you sicker and sicker. " Yoongi admitted, burying his head in the youngest's hair. Hobi, was stroking the frail boys hand softly, linking their other hands together. "Hobi, what do you think?" The maknae asked softly, squeezing the older man's hand tightly.

The middle hyung took a breath before he began to speak. "I don't want to see you in more pain then you already are, it's going to be hard enough seeing you.... pass." The usually happy hyung broke again bursting into tears. Jungkook hugged the two hyungs again, tightly, as if it rid himself of this ache in the middle of his chest.

What seemed like hours later but was only about 7 minutes, the doctor entered the room once again, sitting himself down in front of the dying boy. "I understand this is a massive deal for you, Jungkook. Dealing with something like this at a young age, it's so upsetting to see sometimes. As a doctor, you go through this so much, you stop knowing how to react, especially when they have their whole life ahead of them, like you do. Have you come to a decision about whether or not you want the treatment? It's completely okay if you haven't, as it's a major decision to make. "

The maknae, gripped the two older boys hands tightly before nodding. "I've decided, I don't want the treatment, it's just going to put my hyungs and myself in more pain, giving them hope that I might survive this, when in fact, we all know I won't survive." Hoseok pressed the teenagers head in his neck and ran his hands through his hair. The doctor smiled sympathetically, not that the youngest person in the room could see it. "The best thing we can do for you then is to make sure you're comfortable and enjoy your last few months."

The doctors appointment soon ended and the three emotionally unstable boys made their way back to the car, each of them with red ringed eyes and ruffled hair from where they'd been running their hands through it. The ride back to the apartment seemed to last forever, the three of them to drained to even talk about what had just happened. The youngest boy eventually fell asleep on Yoongi's shoulder as Hoseok had swapped with the oldest boy.

The maknae had managed to stay asleep the whole time and didn't even wake up with Yoongi carried him back into the apartment. The grey haired hyung smiled softly as Jungkook snuggled into his bed, reaching across his bed for his plushie, which he pulled towards him. His hyung pulled the quilt up to the sick boys chest and ran his hands softly through the brown locks, taking in the pure innocent sight that was his baby brother.

The sound of the door opening alerted Yoongi that someone was back, he raised himself up from the edge of Jungkook's bed and made his way downstairs, clenching his fists slightly. Hoseok was stood at the bottom of the stairs waiting for him and the younger boy had his arms folded across his chest as he stared at the doorway. Yoongi soon found himself level with the younger boy and realised who in fact he was glaring at; Jimin, Taehyung, Seokjin and Namjoon were all stood in the doorway.

Anger flared across Yoongi as he thought about the sleeping boy upstairs and how they'd ignored him for the past 6 days. He stormed over from where he was stood and poked a finger in the nearest person's chest, which happened to be Seokjin's. "What right do you think you have coming here?" He hissed. Seokjin looked shocked at the anger in the usually sleepy man, before looking at the floor.

"What do you mean?" The soft voice of Jimin asked looking confused, usually Yoongi would have forgiven them right there and right then, but at this point the anger had boiled over and he snapped. "I mean the fact, you've fucking abandoned an eighteen year old who is going to be fucking dead in six months, you fucking deserted him when he needed you the most. You wasn't there, this afternoon or the past few days, when he's been a fucking wreck who needed his hyungs, because guess what, that kid is going to fucking die, you wasn't there this morning, when he got told, pretty much every treatment will physically fuck him up, so he was given the decision to either go through the pain of treatment and live slightly longer or don't risk the treatments and just go naturally. Guess which decision he chose hm? He chose to fucking die because he doesn't want to us to see him get weaker and sicker. Even when he's fucking been told he's going to die, he's still goddamn thinking about us, yet you wasn't thinking about him? For fuck sake, you're supposed to be his hyungs! Seokjin and Namjoon, I expected better, considering the kid looks up to you two as if you were his parents, you two are shitty leaders, Jimin and Taehyung, I can't even stand to look at you two, he's supposed to be the 1/3 of the maknae line but then you fuck him off like he's yesterday's trash because he's dying!"

A stunned silence followed, the four in question looked down at their feet, tears dripping down their faces as Yoongi flipped. The second oldest was breathing heavily and stepped back, walking towards Hoseok and then up the stairs indicating for Hoseok to follow him.

"Hobi- hyung" Namjoon whimpered. The slightly older man shook his head. "Stay away from us, You don't deserve Kookie. He deserves so much better. If you put one foot out of line then I swear to god, I won't be responsible for mine and Yoongi-hyungs actions." and with that the two boys made their way back upstairs to where their youngest was still fast asleep, unknown to the ruckus that had just occurred downstairs.

[fivesecondmemory]

Every multiple of 5?

first off how dare you.  Second off, you’re getting this however it decides to format, because I am So Tired.  

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

Yep.  I’m all too aware that my teeth don’t actually line up the way they’re supposed to because my jaws are weird and my teeth don’t match up.  I will forever have an overbite unless I get major surgery to rearrange the bone, so I’m self conscious.  

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

yes. Mostly stomach, though, unless my neck is really bothering me.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

apparently - and this is just how I understand it, not Scientific Fact, I am not peer reviewed - when a binary star system is sucked into a supermassive black hole, usually what happens is it’ll suck one star in, and the partner will get sling-shotted out across space at suppressed.  A real shooting star, instead of one of those silly meteors burning up in the atmo.  

20: what's your favorite eye color?

so many.  very enamored of super dark brown though.  

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?

I have not really broken into anywhere….

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

on the regular.  anxiety!  yes! it’s great!  the existential terror of dying and meaning nothing!  

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

I like the idea of them more than I really like them.  My handwriting is like I’m slowly transforming into a chicken, so I don’t have a lot of use for pretty pens outside of drawing.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

Of course, now I’m blanking.  Uhhhhhhhhhhh…

basically 90% of my eyebrow jewelry is from my mom, who had an eyebrow piercing, but took it out because it kept getting caught on things.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

Not really.  I’m more likely to panic about whether or not I should trust my instincts than I am to just go with them.

50: what's an odd thing you collect?

skulls.

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?

not thinking of anything right now…………….ugh no.  once when I was a young child I was very offended that I went on vacation for two weeks and none of my friends emailed me, so I sent out a callout email for them.  no one was impressed.  I was socially awkward leave me alone

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

not really, and because not really, I don’t really have a fave.

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?

my friend Brittany, or my pal Geoff.

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

Nope!  

75: tell us about your pets!

I don’t really have pets myself but my roommate’s cat is, we’re pretty sure, brain damaged.  Chubby lil tuxedo with no tail that can’t figure out how to jump and runs like a bear and hates everything.  I love her so much.  

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

Yellow.  I chose it because I was so tired of Washington grays and blues.  I needed a saturated color.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

Yes; American Vampire, Backstagers(I can’t recommend it enough it is so cute and gay), more that I’m spacing on…

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

oh man, I don’t know.  I’ve only been there like once but London is massive and amazing and filled with such cool things, and between the underground and the busses you can go basically anywhere. There’s so many things and so much art and so many people, I want to go back.

95: what are your plans for this weekend?  

Hang out with pals, maybe go with my friend who’s getting a suit fitted, go on an underground tour, then go do a date thing with the person I’m seeing and then meet up with their brother to see a historic bar before it closes.  and somewhere in there maybe I can wrITE

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

I’m just gonna say five years in the future because I’m banking on technological advances being cool.  That being said if I went five years into the past I could make so much bank.  Is it insider trading if I knew it from the future?  Probably.  Can it be prosecuted as an illegal activity?  Probably not.