#niwascara

[wanderusprince]

Wanderer 2nd person rambling that got long

TW: suicidal ideation, wanderer’s canon suicide

CW: niwascara

I’m just saying, but how annoying is that to be forgotten by the world at a point when all you wanted is to carry the weight of it?

For years and years, you carried hatred for people that long lost their lives. You carried self-righteousness, because you were the victim and they betrayed you and you believed that and you carried the hurt for so long.

You carried pain, for so many years. You thought it was irrational, the way they went and backstabbed you. You thought they were just the way humans are, and you were blindsided because you thought too much of them.

It was easy, to make all humans carry their blame. To hurt people, because you’re hurt by them. Since they’re wrong and bad, the rest of the human population couldn’t be any better. Because they were the best people you’ve known and they left you behind.

But, of course, the honest truth of that year came to you eventually.. hundreds of years late.

He didn’t leave at all. He was by your side. And that shriveled, bundle of red that That Man showed you was him.

His Heart.

And suddenly you realise that you haven’t forgotten the way his heart beats. That rhythm and his breath— you remembered how you used to copy it all, and he would laugh and called it ‘cute’. He would kiss your cheek, and commented that you ‘didn’t need to do that’ and ‘everybody likes you just fine like this’.

And suddenly you realise that the betrayal was irrational because they never betrayed you at all.

There was no logic to figure out, no dots to connect. They had wanted you. They never wished to leave you behind.

And suddenly all the blame you casted on the world was reflected back to you and all you felt

was

pain

and you wanted to go back

to them

to that point in time

when nothing happened yet

and you could curl in his arm

and apologise

for thinking badly

for the hurt you caused

for leaving

for arriving at all

and you suddenly realised that all their hurts was because of you, and if you weren’t there, they would’ve lived on in that peaceful bubble of happiness that you loved so much when you lived among them.

And now you know what you wanted. You wanted them happy.

So impulses ran through your wooden body, and you did it without thinking.

You thought you could undo it all, but you couldn’t fool time, fate, and all the things that happened before. You pressed against the roots of reality and cut yourself from it.. but not what you did. Not what you wanted to erase the most. You couldn’t undo it. Not even a little.

The Traveler reminds you of everything. You almost regret asking, because remembering their gentleness hurts, and the sweet ways they treated you left a bitter taste in your mouth. But then, without the reminder, you would’ve forgotten everything and the idea left you cold.

Everyone forgot you now. Forgot everything you ever did. The many bad things you’ve done, yes. But you know the little marks left behind in Tatarasuna was erased too. The world couldn’t even hate you when you just wished you could suffer its blame as a form of self-flagellation and apologies.

But now in a world where you can’t blame them, and you can’t atone.. where should you go from here?

There was no home you can go to. No source of existence, or past to come back to.

You’ve became wanderer.

No destination, no way back.

Just endless dreams of being back there, and waking up in his arms— listening to his heartbeats.