#nic calm the fuck down its been 8 years

[buckistheman]

Can't believe my work expects me to be the most functional and most productive in the week of the 25th. Have some respect for my broken 1d heart.

[calpalirwin]

Choices

Summary: Ashton Irwin thought he had everything he needed in life in the form of his daughter. Funny the difference a choice can make.

A/N: Last chapter (finally!) Stay tuned for the epilogue to see how this all ends. Be sure to catch up on Chapters 1-7, up on my masterlist!

Content: I plead the fifth

Word Count: 1.7k

And away, and away we go!

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Chapter 8

I decided not to tell my family about Taylor. To me, there was no point in arguing it. Taylor was back in my life because she was developing a relationship with Cassidy. It had nothing to do with me.

That didn’t stop my fingers from shaking as I made the drive to my parents or settle the churning in my stomach. “You okay?” Nic asked lowly, gripping my hand as we walked up to my parents door.

I offered her a wry smile. “Yeah,” I nodded.

“You sure?”

I nodded again before turning my attention to Cassidy. “Ready for your birthday?!”

“Yeah!” she cheered, jumping up onto the porch and pushing the door open.

“She’ll show up, Ash,” Nic reassured me. “She won’t let Cass down.”

I shrugged. If I thought I was having a hard time handling my nerves with the thought of Taylor being in my parents house again after all these years, Taylor probably had it worse. And as much as I didn’t want her to disappoint Cassidy, I couldn’t exactly blame her if she didn’t show up.

I could hear the chatter in the kitchen, voices high with excitement. I felt Nic’s hand tighten around mine- a silent assurance that I was working myself up in a frenzy over nothing, that she would stand by my side through it all. The tension in my shoulders eased slightly as I met her gaze, hopeful and warm. I raised our hands to graze my lips over her knuckles. “Well, here goes nothing.”

~~~

The party was in full swing. My parents backyard was filled with the joyful shrieks of kindergarteners while their parents milled around the edges of the lawn, watching the chaos or making small talk with other parents. 

There was a yelled, “Daddy!” followed by a hand tugging on my own. 

I spurted into my drink, looking apologetically at Calum as I shifted my gaze from him to my daughter. “Yes, love?”

“When can I open my presents?”

“Soon, love. Why don’t you go sit down, and I’ll get you some lunch. Do you want a hotdog, or a cheeseburger?”

“Momma!” Cassidy squealed suddenly, my question forgotten as she took over running. 

Taylor stilled on the back porch, crouching down to wrap Cassidy in a hug. “Happy Birthday, sweetheart!”

I felt the eyes of my friends and family burn into my skin. “Dude…” Calum was the first to make a sound, shaking his head sadly. 

“You’re talking to her again?” Luke asked.

“This isn’t going to end well…” Mike muttered under his breath. 

“What is she doing here?” Lauren demanded.

My friends, parents, and siblings looked at me, expecting an answer to Lauren’s question. “It was what Cass wanted,” I said in a tone that dared them to keep pressing the issue.

While my family swallowed their protests, my friends weren’t so compliant. “Ash,” Calum said lowly, nodding his head off to the side.

“Watch Cass for a moment?” I asked Nic.

“Of course,” she smiled encouragingly.

“What the fuck, Ash?” they immediately rounded on me after we stepped out of earshot.

“”It was what Cass wanted,” I repeated. “What’s there to explain?”

“You let a six year old call the shots, Ash?!”

“No! I supported her! She wanted to meet her mom. I made sure that happened.”

“Alright,” Calum accepted my line of thought. “But what does this mean for you and Taylor? For you and Nic?”

“Yeah, Ash. Can we even trust Taylor? Last time she left it wasn’t pretty,” Luke reminded us.

“You think I haven’t thought about that? If Taylor leaves again… I don’t know what I’ll do. All I want to do is protect, Cass. But she has a right to know her mom.”

“We all want what’s best for, Cass. But who’s looking out for what’s best for you?” Mike questioned.

“No one needs to look after me, Mike. I got this. I know where I stand.”

“Does Taylor?”

Mike’s words would haunt me for weeks to come.

~~~

About a month after Cassidy’s birthday, I let Taylor take Cassidy for a night. Even though this wasn’t the first night Cassidy hadn’t spent with me, I never got used to how silent the apartment was when she was gone. And while I was happy Taylor was proving herself, part of me wished she would fail so the knot in my stomach about possibly giving Cassidy up for longer stints of time would go away.

“You okay?” Nic’s soft voice pulled me from my thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“You look like you’re a million miles away. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I don’t know how I’m gonna go every weekend without her. I don’t know if I want to. I just-”

“You’re her dad. Nobody can take that from you.”

“It doesn’t make me miss her less.”

“I know.”

After a night tangled in the sheets where Nic did her best to distract me- and distract me she did- she left shortly after a lazy morning spent in bed. “So now you’re leaving me, too?” I pouted, watching her get dressed.

“Hey,” she turned to point a finger at me. “That’s not playing fair.”

I rolled across the bed to pull her down with me, her yelp of surprise bouncing off the walls. “You don’t wanna distract me some more?” I whispered in her ear, pressing my lips along the column of her throat.

Her response was breathy as she told me, “Oh, that’s really not fair.”

“Alright, alright,” I chuckled, letting her go. “I know you got work to do. You’ll be back later, tonight?”

“Fingers crossed,” she said, kissing my cheek and getting out of bed again.

~~~

It was a slow crawl to the middle of the afternoon before the knock on the door that got cut off by Cassidy barreling in, screeching, “Daddy!”

“Love!” I matched her enthusiasm, crouching just in time to catch her body flying full force at me, the momentum carrying me onto my back, both of us filling up the apartment with our laughter. “Did you have fun with Momma?” I asked, sitting us upright.

“Uh-huh! Can she stay for dinner?!”

“Uh…” I looked up and over at Taylor who hovered in the doorway, Cassidy’s bag still slung over her shoulder.

“Plllleeeeeaaaasssseeee?!”

“If she wants to, yeah, love.”

Cassidy bounded to her feet, running back over to Taylor. “Will you stay, Momma?”

“Sure, sweetheart. But just for dinner, okay?”

“Okay!” Cassidy agreed, and we all knew in that moment that Taylor would be staying for a lot longer than just dinner.

“Night, love,” I said a few hours later, pulling the blanket up snugly around my little girl.

“Night Daddy. Night Momma. Love you.”

“Night, Cass. Love you, too, sweetheart,” Taylor smiled at her from the bedroom doorway.

“Love you,” I whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“See, Ash?” Taylor asked me as I pulled Cassidy’s door closed.

“See what?”

“This,” she gestured about. “We could be this. Raising Cass together in one house.”

I rolled my eyes, moving past her towards the living room. “Yeah, I tried that once. You didn’t want the same.”

“I want it now,” she said, following after me, her hand catching my arm. “Doesn’t that count for something?”

“Of course it does. Cass is happy.”

“What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yes. Are you happy?”

“Yes… but even if I wasn’t, it’s not my happiness that matters.”

“So?”

“So, what, Tay?”

“So why don’t we try to be a family? I’m her mother, Ashton. Doesn’t she deserve to see us try? For her?”

“Don’t,” I warned, pulling back. “We tried us already. I’m struggling as is to trust you in Cass’ life. You think I’m crazy enough to trust you in mine again? You broke me, Taylor.”

“So you haven’t thought of it? Us being together again?”

“Of course I thought that!” I whisper-screamed at her. “I spent years hoping that you would call, or show up on my doorstep ready to be a mother to her. That you and I could be the way we used to be again. But you didn’t. And eventually I stopped hoping that moment would come.”

“If you hoped for it once, you can hope for it again. You said you didn’t trust me, but you learned how to do that again. What’s to say you can’t learn to love me again?”

“Because-” I started, but her lips were on mine before I could remind her that I was in love with Nic now, someone who never made me doubt what we had the way Taylor did.

I didn’t hear the front door open, just the soft gasp of a heart shattering like glass.

“Nic!” I pushed Taylor back, panic in my chest as I wheeled around, but she was already leaving just as quickly as she had entered. “Nic, it’s not what it looks like!” I called out as I ran after her.

“Doesn’t look like what, Ashton?!” she demanded, turning sharply around to face me, her face screwed up as she fought back against crying. “Doesn’t look like you were kissing, Taylor?! Is that what you were going to say?!”

“Baby, please!” I begged, not knowing where to even begin trying to get her to explain, just knowing that I needed to try, because in four months she had completely shifted my world on its head, and I wouldn’t know how to begin again without her in it.

“I stood by you while you kept your walls up because of Cass. I stood by every insecurity you had thinking you weren’t good enough because you were a dad, and had been hurt in the past. I even supported you through getting Taylor back in your life. God, Ashton, I fell in love with you, and your daughter! I fell in love with everything! And all I asked in return, all I ever asked was do NOT blindside me! And you couldn’t even do that!”

Each word pierced into me and I was useless to stop it. Again, I wracked my brain for the right words to say, but nothing could fix the look of betrayal in her eyes. A look I fully deserved because as much as I had tried to do right by Cassidy, I had ended up hurting the next most important love of my life. And she was slipping through my fingers, and I couldn’t stop it if I tried. “Nic,” I tried anyway, my voice sounding as broken as we both felt.

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