#ngl part of the reason I kinda went away was because I felt guilty for hyperfixating on other stuff

[witchofcustom]

Lowkey thinking… Pookie…

[xxsp3llb0undxx]

The Cullens as song's // HC

Song's I think the Cullens would be, based off of their personalities and their backstories. I couldn't find a song to fit Emmett, I've been searching for the last hour :/ Sorry to all Emmett lovers, he shall not be in this little HC. I hope you enjoy reading the rest though, please do let me know what you think the Cullen's would be as songs <3

MASTERLIST CULLENS

Rosalie - Black Dahlia // Hollywood Undead

I think this song fits Rose the best because of everything she went through prior to being turned.

Like the apparent love of her life, future husband, using and manipulating her ??

He took everything from her, let others do things to her.

He's a lil bitch :)

The lyrics "and I've been abused, I feel so used because of you."

"The future that we both drew and all the shit we've been through. Obsessed with the thought of you, the pain just grew and grew."

Really sound's like something Edward would hear Rose think to herself whenever he would listen to her thoughts.

Her revenge was worth it though, she finally got to take something from him, like he had done to her.

"You just lay without a sound, seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest."

Major 'Lol I killed my stupid husband' vibes

Edward - Parasite Eve // Bring Me The Horizon

Okay not to be one of those people, but considering Eddie boy over here was around during the Spanish influenza and almost dying from it; I kinda found this song fitting ??

'Parasite Eve' is about Covid, and both illnesses are similar; too similar in fact.

The lyrics "I've got a fever, don't breathe on me." and "Leave your flowers and grieve." Really scream Edward for me ??

We were all scared of big man Covid but imagine how terrified he must've been when he had the Spanish influenza.

Like he's just vibing one minute and then, boom, he's literally lying on his death bed.

Edward would probably really relate to this song, even if he's into classical; 'Parasite Eve' would be an exception.

Jasper - Forest // Twenty One Pilots

Okay, I know what you're thinking but hear me out.

Lyrics "I don't know why I feed on emotion, there's a stomach inside my brain."

Signifies Jasper's gift of empathy and control of emotions.

"My brain has given up, white flags are hoisted."

White Flags were used during the Civil War to end it, a way to show they have surrendered.

Not only does those lyrics signify the Civil War, it could also be a metaphor for Jasper; he's given up that part of his life.

He doesn't want to let it corrupt him any further because he's guilty for playing a part in taking so many lives.

So, in turn, he's put up white flags to surrender and hope to start over; become a better person, vampire.

Alice - Can You Feel My Heart // Bring Me The Horizon

Sweet little fairy.

Didn't deserve to be locked away in an asylum.

I think, in some way, this song is fitting for Alice.

Lyrics "Forgive me father, I love you Mother."

Make me feel like she would've said this a lot, thinking she was a disappointment to her parents for her gift.

"I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone."

Definitely was something Alice had felt prior and post-vampirism, scared if she got too close to someone she could predict their fate.

But also being scared she would end up alone because people would be so weirded out by her gift.

Carlisle - Put Your Head On My Shoulder // Paul Anka

Absolute sweetheart !

This song is just Carlisle to Esme, 100%

He's such a gentleman, even though his father was like a BIG priest dude who killed the supernatural and he caused Carlisle to turn ??

He's just full of love, no one can tell me different !!

Secretly, Carlisle is Paul Anka and wrote this song for Esme

So sorry it's short, Dr. Cullen is just an angel and didn't really have much corruption in his life ngl.

Esme - Brick By Boring Brick // Paramore

For some reason I feel like this song definitely reminds me of Esme because of the meaning behind the song.

"The song Brick by Boring Brick is a story about a girl who escaped reality through pictures and fairy tales and anything that wasn’t the real story. This way, she’d look perfect to everyone else and we’d all think that she’s got it together. But being that it was all for show, it couldn’t last"

"Esme was born in 1895 in Columbus, Ohio, where she was treated at the age of 16 by Carlisle after breaking her leg when climbing a tree. She married Charles Evenson, but he abused her. After finding out she was pregnant, she ran away and gave birth to a son, who subsequently died a few days later."

Brick By Boring Brick resembles Esme's tough life from a young age, she was still only a child when she was to be married to Evenson, she didn't want to continue with the abuse she suffered.

So, she ran, she created a life where she would be happy, even though; if you looked a bit closer, there were cracks in her reality.

All she wanted was to be happy, but she also ended up losing her son in the process of freeing herself from the shackles of her abusive husband.

The lyrics "Well, you built up a world of magic, because your real life is tragic." Truly speaks on so many different levels how Esme presents herself to the world and everyone around, even though how she want's to be perceived is fake and in reality Esme has suffered a lot.

Not only with losing her baby but also she will never be able to have those years of her life back, it'll forever remind her of how badly she was treated. Just like Rose.

[alpacaparkaseok]

Inside “The Pact”

Hello! For those of you that followed along with The Pact, I received a few questions and requests to get an inside look. I’ll link the post here that explains a bit more about what this is gonna be about. 

We’re gonna break this down into sections: first will be answering your questions about The Pact & the characters. Then I’ll show you guys a little about my notes & decision making process (which is very obscure because I just tend to keep a hypothetical tab open in my brain most of the time lol) as well as some pictures of my ideas!! 

Thanks for requesting such a fun thing to do now that this series is over. It’s been fun to look back!

Q. What song did the boys dedicate to y/n?

A. “Her” || This is a sad song, but I felt like it fit so well with how the boys had to hide a part of themselves (their feelings) away for the sake of the pact!

--

Q. Did the boys get mad/how did the boys react to Jungkook’s kiss?

A. Jungkook was a little shocked, and felt extremely guilty on the drive back home. He wasn’t sure if he could stand to tell his hyungs, but he also knew he couldn’t lie to them. Naturally, the second he walked in the house and everyone saw his face, they knew. It was just quiet, everybody was a little hesitant to say anything/bring it up because they were all upset. Only Jimin has heard all of the details of JK’s kiss, whereas the others are simply aware that he kissed her and that’s that.

Namjoon was the most upset, although he didn’t say anything. He just sat there on the couch and did the jaw-clenching thing he always does. Yoongi just tried to change the subject and ask about other aspects of the date. Taehyung was actually pretty pissed, especially because he’d been so good about refraining from kissing you even when you’d asked for it. Hobi had a chat with him later that night and calmed him down. Jin wasn’t angry so much as he was worried that he missed his shot & couldn’t stop replaying his date in his head.

--

Q. Who fell for y/n last?

A. Namjoon. He’d had a little crush, and that’s why he was willing to go along with the pact. But it hit a point less than a year ago when he fell hard and fast. (you called him in the middle of the night when he was on tour and he realized that your sleepy voice is possibly the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard) The boys noticed and as a result teased him endlessly about it, because he doesn’t quite know how to navigate his feelings. 

--

Q. Who did the boys bet on? (We already know that Jimin bet on Yoongi and won lol)

A. Namjoon bet on JK, Tae bet on Hobi, Hobi bet on JK, Jin bet on JK, and Yoongi bet on Jin, and JK bet on Namjoon (because we all know JK would pick Namjoon lol)

--

Q. Didn’t y/n ever date other guys? How did the boys react?

A. hahaha ok I actually would have such a fun time writing this Yes, she dated around a bit. For the first year of the pact, she had an on again, off again bf. It wasn’t very serious, and she always made that clear to the boys. They still hated the dude. After they broke up, she only went on a few dates here and there. Didn’t really seriously date. (except for that one time she went on vacation and had a fling, but everyone has decided to forget that) They just smiled and supported her, although Tae was always very clear that he didn’t like any of the guys she dated. 

--

Q. In Namjoon’s date, who was the 1950′s author mentioned?

A. Agatha Christie, the queen. 

--

Q. How did y/n meet Jimin? (he was the one that introduced her to the rest of the group)

A. She was a PR intern for Lee Hyun. Jimin and Lee Hyun are close, and they crossed paths fairly often until Jimin decided to invite her to hang out. 

--

Q. What is y/n studying in school?

A. Public Relations (which will honestly come in handy with her new relationship lol)

--

Q. Where was Jin in the last chapter when y/n came to the studio?

A. Agh how could you ask me this and bring back all that pain?! Jin was at his brother’s restaurant for some much needed R&R. He ended up staying the night with him, not wanting to go home just yet and have to face his decision.

--

Q. Who would you personally choose to end up with and why?

A. KIM SEOKJIN. Date #5 was basically for me lol. Like, unapologetically wrote that for myself. Not just because he’s my bias, but because I personally felt like I could picture myself chilling on that couch watching Dateline with him. And it was beautiful. 🤧 Also, while Jin can be loud and goofy, he’s an introvert. I’m an extravert with introverted tendencies, so I just feel like his date would have been the most comfortable for me.

--

CREATING THE PACT - AN INSIDE LOOK AT MY NOTES

First thing’s first, I have an on-going page in my notes on my phone which is FILLED with ideas & half-formed thoughts. Before I began writing The Pact (or even Spooked, for that matter), this happened:

So you can see that I had no idea what I was doing lol, but I thought that it would be cool. Mainly I wanted an excuse to write OT7 and display all the members in a sweet light. Also, we see that not all of these actually made it into the series. (Tae w/ the family)

BUT THEN, “SPOOKED” HAPPENED, AND A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY POPPED UP 

ngl, I cracked up when I looked back at my notes and saw this. 

“Sweet Gloria what am I doing to myself” 😂😂 this was when I was pushing “Lost & Found” out and planning for Taehyung’s series (which is why so much is blocked out on my notes, because it’s riddled with spoilers lol) so I literally had no idea why I was jumping into another project as I was already super busy. That’s why I scheduled it for just Saturday’s! (and also why I sometimes posted super late at night lol)

As you can see, Seokjinnie’s date was literally always on my mind. From the very beginning. Which is odd, considering the fact that he didn’t end up being endgame. wow it’s like he’s my bias or something

Occasionally I’d take breaks from hw and work on getting to know how the boys were with y/n. Quotes and poetry serve as a great source of inspiration, and I assigned a quote to each member. (notice the little stars by Jin, Yoongi’s and JK’s names lol, they were my top three as I’m sure you’ve noticed by now)

There were a couple of things that I didn’t think of adding until I was reading through your theories and got an idea of what you needed to push the series in the right decision. i.e. bringing Gina back to explain that she closed the door in Spooked. 

I have a whiteboard in my room that I use to map out what I need to do that week for whatever series I’m working on (as well as jot down ideas for new series, which I why this photo doesn’t show the whole board haha) 

So here’s a peek at my thought process for writing about how the pact was formed. Sorry if you can’t read it haha

NOW, the last few questions you guys had:

Q. Did you ever change your mind while writing the pact?

A. Yes! I actually originally intended for Hobi to have written the note. It fit very well with how angry he was at first and how worried he was during the date. But by the time I'd gotten to Jin’s date I kinda knew that he wouldn’t be that petty but Jin would haha

I also planned on Yoongi kissing y/n on their date. It was supposed to be on a rooftop somewhere, which we know didn’t happen. In fact, I didn’t really intend for their date to be so disastrous until I was coming closer to having to write it. I think I was a mess, so the date was a mess lol

I had no idea what I was doing for Tae’s date until I wrote it, all I knew was that there had to be a museum. The rest I just made up as I wrote and hoped that it made sense. (also, for some reason I hated the museum portion of the date. Idk why, but it just felt so stark to me. still don’t like it lol)

Q. When did you know how it was going to end? 

A. That’s a....difficult question lol. Honestly, I thought of just doing an audio recording and uploading it because it I didn’t really know how to put it into words, but then I realized that most people probably wouldn’t wanna listen to that lol. So here we are. 

I had the ending scene in mind before The Pact even became a thing. I knew I had a series that I wanted to end with baking cookies. (weird, I know.) It didn’t exactly go how I planned, but I remember having the thought while writing Spooked (when I thought I was just writing a one shot) that it would be nice for y/n to be with Yoongi. I just instantly felt like they had a connection, when he was the first one she went toward. From then on out, I always kinda kept Yoongi in the background. 

I had a crisis about halfway through (right before Jin’s date) when there were a bunch of people rooting for Tae, because he hadn’t even been on my radar. But then Jin’s date went much better than I thought it was going to/received better, so I think that got me back on track. 

But from the beginning, Yoongi was #1. (I wrote this in the back of my Career’s notebook lol) when I was trying to figure out for myself who wrote the pact. 

So yeah! There you have it! Just an FYI, I had to physically restrain myself from throwing caution to the wind and making Jin endgame. Especially when so many of you were on board. :( However, the survey helped because Yoongi was the majority of votes (closely followed by Jin & JK) and that showed me that we were still on the right track! 

Ngl, my brain stopped working around Wednesday of last week, so writing the finale took FOREVER because nothing would compute. But I’m so happy you guys enjoyed it and reached out to me about it! This really is like a part-time job most days, and I really felt like this series paid off. 

Hopefully I covered everything! To end, here's the most satisfying part of every project for me:

Thanks guys!

[parkeomji]

long distances [ part 3 ]

Pairing: Unknown member x You Genre: Fluff??? Word Count: 1839 Rating: PG Summary: You’re studying abroad in South Korea at a university outside of Seoul, so your high school self who had wanted to keep up with Kpop trends and comebacks hasn’t been able to; you’re left in the dark about your favorite groups, almost entirely forgetting about them. That is, until one day, you meet a boy named Richard whose Line profile picture causes past emotions to resurface. These feelings only distract as you try to continue your studies, but you see no way to confront them as you confide in Richard all the things you wish you could say to the boy who has your heart.

A/N: This part’s mostly filler!! It’s kinda to just show yours and Richard’s interactions more. And to reveal a little more about him too hehe (also I didn’t know how to end it so uhhh it’s kinda abrupt and bad…)

[ part 1 ] [ part 2 ] [ part 3 ] [ part 4 ] [ part 5 ]

You remember staring at pictures of the various desserts and drinks at the SUM cafe in the past, wondering what other treats existed besides the ones photographed on their website. You imagined them a kind of sweet that felt so comforting and so light, never sickly or leaving an uncomfortable coating over your tongue. You imagined the drinks to be simple, but despite their simplicity, they were prepared and presented so professionally. And to your pleasant surprise, the SUM cafe was what you imagined it to be and more. Not only were their desserts and drinks decorated so cutely, adorned with logos and accents of various SMTOWN artists, they were also unimaginably delicious.

You wanted to waste no time in taking pictures of the things you ordered, so as soon as what you got reached you, you were drawn to a table at the window where the lighting was perfect to take photos. You whipped out your phone with lightning speed, carefully positioning your treats to get the most aesthetically pleasing photos. After snapping a few for social media, you sent the very nice ones to Richard.

“I know you’re busy, but look at how cute these are!!”

You didn’t expect a response from him for a while, so you tucked your phone away and ever so carefully, you began to dig into the cake slice you’d ordered. It was a chocolate layered cake with a chocolate EXO logo stuck into it. It didn’t take long for the slice and the cappuccino it came with to disappear. The bitterness of the coffee washed down the richness of the cake, and the lingering warmth left you satisfied. Why it hadn’t occurred to you before to visit SUM was beyond you, but after trying the sweets, there was no doubt that it would be your favorite shop in the time you’d be staying in Korea.

In that moment, the warm sunlight prickling your skin and the sweetness lingering on your tongue, you wondered what EXO had been doing since Minseok enlisted. You were sure that Junmyeon had also enlisted by that time, but what did that make of the rest of them? You wondered if the group was hiatus and if they were planning solo debuts or if they were planning to continue to promote as one. Despite what schedules they were planning, you wondered if they were eating well and if they were getting enough sleep and if they were taking care of themselves.

You wondered where they were now. You wondered, specifically, where Chanyeol was now.

Your cheek found itself in your palm as you stared out the window. There were streams of people passing by, eyes on their phones, preoccupied by whatever. Billboards attached to skyscrapers advertised various idols and celebrities promoting things ranging from chicken to skincare. It made you think of the times EXO was once plastered all over those billboards and even billboards across the globe. Where had their peak gone? Had you missed it when you had sworn to dedicate yourself to university after high school?

And out of the corner of your eye, when one of the electronic billboards had switched advertisements, you saw Chanyeol, posing for what looked like a shoe CF. You turned your head to get a better view of the CF playing and soon both of your cheeks were resting in your palms with your lips curled into a slight smile. You probably looked like an idiot making heart eyes at a billboard, but you didn’t care. You only cared that, after years of essentially depriving yourself, you could finally indulge in your guilty pleasure. And you could really feel in your chest how much you had starved yourself of Chanyeol; it hurt. It hurt so much to finally look at him, because you had missed him. You missed him so much.

“Excuse me, miss.” The voice had snapped you out of your gawking, and your neck spinned around to face the source. You saw Chanyeol there, the large, toothy grin spread across his face like it always was. He was towering over you, his eyes boring into yours, as if he could see every emotion you were feeling and every thought you were thinking. Except, it wasn’t Chanyeol, and it was only a waiter asking if you were finished with your dishes.

You nodded meekly, your cheeks burning red that you even imagined Chanyeol acknowledging you. You quickly turned away as you waited for the waiter to take the dishes you were finished with, mentally scolding yourself for being so foolish. Once he was out of sight, you slapped your hands against your cheeks, whispering, “Idiot!” over and over again. But as much as the encounter was embarrassing, you felt the uncontrollable need to recount it to Richard.

“You wouldn’t believe what dumb thing I just did,” you started. “I was looking at a billboard and one of Chanyeol’s CFs was playing and ngl I was gawking at it. And then behind me I hear someone say excuse me and for a good ten to fifteen seconds I thought it was Chanyeol and i was staring again. But it was actually a waiter and omg I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life.”

“Omg you idiot. How could you mistake a waiter for Chanyeol? They must’ve had to look a lot alike for you to do that,” he typed back to your surprise. You actually hadn’t expected him to respond since he had said he was so busy before. You wasted no time in responding; you didn’t want him to leave so soon.

“Mmm maybe they did. I didn’t really get a good look at the waiter since all I could see was Chanyeol’s bright grin hehe.”

The conversation from there seemed strained. The two of you bickered, albeit jokingly, about whether or not it was fair to the waiter to project someone else onto him. You found it more difficult to respond with each message, and you assumed it was the same for him. But you could feel that neither of you wanted the conversation to end. You searched for a different topic, and all you could think of was his studies. What exactly was he studying? What year was he in? What university does he go to? You realized that you never actually knew any details about his personal life besides his interest in music.

“Hey, I was wondering. What university do you go to?” You typed.

“I go to Kyung Hee. I take online classes,” he replied. He sounded tense, but maybe that was because you were paranoid. Paranoid of what you weren’t sure. You just got a very anxious feeling. Maybe it was just because the last subject also seemed touchy.

“What do you study?” You asked.

“Business.”

That didn’t seem true to you. His answer felt off. He felt off. During the times you’d spoken to him, it wasn’t like him to be so curt. But then again, you’d only known him for a day. It wasn’t your place to say you knew him.

“Is this a touchy subject? If it is, I can stop asking.” The way he was acting only made you more curious, but you didn’t want to push your boundaries, especially when you two had only just met.

“Haha it’s not that it’s touchy, it’s just I’ve never really spoken about my personal life to people I’ve just met.” That sounded more like him.

“Oh, sorry if I was out of line haha ^^;; Hopefully I’ll get to know you enough for you to feel more comfortable!!”

“Yeah! ^^ I’d love to one day talk to you about everything. I just need to get to know you better, ya know?”

“Mmm,” you agreed. “How about you ask me some stuff so that you get a better idea of who I am? I’m down for opening up to you!!”

He asked what university you went to. You said Incheon National University. He asked what you studied. You said physics. He asked how old you were. You said twenty internationally, twenty-one in Korea. He asked why you said that. You said that you weren’t a Korean citizen and were there on a student visa. He asked where you were from, and you said America. He asked when you learned Korean, and you said you’ve been learning since high school.

“Why Korean of all languages?” He wondered.

“It’s because I was such a big fan of Kpop at the time, to the point where it was embarrassing ;;;” You admitted. “I really wanted to learn Korean so that I could comment on EXO’s instagram posts and send them fan letters. I really wanted them to know how much people loved them.”

“That’s so sweet of you omg. If I were them, I would feel so touched. I feel touched just hearing it haha.” He sent a blushing emoji along with his response, to which you smiled at. Was it really that sweet? You only saw it as mindless devotion.

“I just wanted them to always know that they are loved and cared for by so many people. I never wanted them to feel as if it was them against the world. I wanted to protect them. That was running through my mind when I first decided to learn Korean.”

It was admittedly a dumb reason to learn the language, but high school you found it a compelling enough reason. When you looked back at it now, you thought it was so dumb, especially since you’d lost interest in them in the years following. And you never actually got to fully master the language to write all the things you wanted them to hear until after you graduated… But besides the fan letters you wanted to write, you were glad you had decided to learn it; if you hadn’t you wouldn’t be studying in one of the most competitive nations in terms of education and you wouldn’t have met the people you became good friends with there. You wouldn’t have met your roommate and best friend Bongki. You wouldn’t have met Richard, who you can just feel you’ll have a long-lasting connection with.

“Did you ever comment on their posts? Maybe they could’ve seen it if you did.”

“Nahh, I didn’t. I never got a good hold of the language until I started college. Even now I find it difficult to form proper sentences haha!”

“I think your Korean is fine!!” he reassured. “At least you know two languages. The closest I am to being fluent in another language is just reading Hiragana… And I only know a couple words in English. Maybe you could teach me some hehe.”

“I would love to teach you English!! Hmmmm if only we could meet up….” You teased. But he was relentless.

“Nope! Too busy for that!!” He sent a cheeky emoji, and it made you want to hit him over his head.

“Fine, fine. Just know I’m gonna track you down somehow, someday!”

“Catch me if you can~”

[28-11s]

i’m going to start off this post with an apology for disappearing again, especially before valentine’s day. i was trying to hold back from doing it so i could spend the 14th with you and finally ask you out on a date but my need to ghost prevailed and well. yeah. it’s been rough like it hasn’t been in months, (and i think you understood it since i haven't posted here in days) but i guess it is because i’ve been dealing with constant uneasiness? i’m actually not sure what’s wrong, though. do you ever feel anxious even when things are going well? like, you cannot sleep or focus on your work or do anything really because you’re too busy feeling overwhelmed? it’s horrible, especially when you cannot pinpoint the reason and so you end up just locking yourself away. we're going to blame mercury retrograde and not my mental health, tho. especially since sun and mercury are in pisces. 🤕 🤢 i’m sorry for being so distant both physically and emotionally and just... not being there for you. the worst thing about me ghosting is in fact not knowing what to say once i feel better. i can write here rather easily but the moment i have to dm you i feel awkward and guilty and i never know how to act... i’m not good at saying sorry but appearing randomly after days without saying anything makes me feel even worse, so i never know how to be. but anyway, that’s not what I want to talk about in this message. i needed to feel better the other day so i checked the padlet and found the message that you wrote a month ago… it hit me a lot and kinda really resonated with me. it sucks how late I saw it and I feel really bad since you opened up to me so well and idk, it’s like i looked down at your effort by not replying immediately, even though it was involuntarily. but i cannot just ignore it so here’s my (late) reply to all of that. first of all, let me tell you how much i appreciate the straightforwardness of that message. it gave me an input on how you have been feeling and it also made me feel closer to you, especially considering the fact that i can strongly relate. not gonna lie, I hadn’t cried (like, actually cried with sobs and all that shit) in months but i couldn’t even reach the middle of the message because i literally couldn’t see SHIT. knowing you have been struggling with these emotions is… devastating? to try and explain: it’s like the whole world came crashing down. this whole ghosting thing isn’t something i can actually get mad at you for, because i know how exhausting life can get and how comforting being alone can be. as you can see, i do that a lot, too…  which is why i make “excuses” for you. of course, when it gets to three weeks it stings and i do get annoyed at times . but it’s not something i will crucify you over? especially because it would be super hypocritical of me. so, please, don’t ever think that you’re “taking advantage of me” or whatever, because you’ve been nothing but amazing to me for the past years and i literally /know/ that i couldn’t do better than this even if i tried to. you’re one of the few good things in my life rn and if i haven’t gone completely insane yet is thanks to you too. and while i'm happy you do know that i sincerely treasure you a whole lot, i can't help but get worried because of you being insecure. you're human and like everyone else, you experience lack of confidence, and honestly i'm glad you told me about it. more than insecure, i’d say i’m way too paranoid for my own good. i often get ugly thoughts that try to make others look like they’re out to get me and i always have to stop, take a deep breath and remind myself that not everyone is trying to hurt me, but i also get those moments of "what if". what if i say this and sound weird or what if i talk too much about myself and make royal uncomfortable by coming off as vain. and there are times where i hesitate or straight up don’t post on the blog because i don’t want to burden you with /my/ emotions, so i understand that too well. but we've talked about this so many times: we both have to fix these problems, but you know it won't happen overnight and every single little step counts, even if it requires lots of courage and trust. i don't think you realize how happy it makes me when you reach out randomly or open up to me directly. it makes me feel trusted, worthy and useful, so please don't villainize yourself for being human and wanting to share your feelings with others. you're far from being toxic and you need to finally understand that you're not putting any kind of pressure on me and being able to help you, even if just by listening, helps me as well. we deal with situations and feelings that are similar and i've found a solution to my problems the times we've opened up to each other. but lol. that part right there about you being self serving pissed me off so fucking bad, you have no idea. when i say i cannot find a single flaw in you, i mean it. i know it might sound fake or exaggerated but it's true. you’re one of the kindest and most selfless people i know and it's hard to even imagine you as selfish or “self serving”. i want you to think for a minute. do you think you’ve ever done anything to me to get you the title of self serving? i have a really good memory when it comes to you and i can assure you are far from being that. you have NEVER asked for anything, you have NEVER made me feel wrong or treated me badly. obviously i don't know what happened in your previous relationship and even after * dmed me to befriend me and then ask me to deliver you that message, i’ve been meaning to ask you about your dating history since i don’t think i have ever seen you as upset as you were those times, but it felt like i was being nosy and out of place so i just sucked it up and moved on. ngl though, i have been curious about it. both because i want to learn something new about you and because i want to be prepared. i told you about keo and how he mostly affected my self-esteem, so i kinda feel bad for not knowing about what has affected /you/ in the past. folds hands. let me also add something. me being scared of confrontation isn’t an excuse for us to avoid talking directly about certain things. if we keep on avoiding any kind of serious talking 1) i’ll never learn how to deal with it 2) i think we’ll be missing out on a huge part of relationships and on the long run it will show. and i’m not exactly scared of confrontation. i’m scared of hurting you by saying something wrong. i get so defensive /and/ passive aggressive for no reason when i feel the mood shift and it makes me say really mean things just to get a reaction out of people. but i’ll never be able to fix it if i don’t start talking with my own partner. but still. you’ll have to be the one to bring it up if you want to because i’m still a scaredy-cat after all and i’ll never start anything. <3 you have also talked about me deserving better and it reminded me of all the times i’ve said you do deserve someone better and you said that you don’t care because i’m the one you want. it goes both ways, really. there is someone out there for me, even more than one person, but just like there is someone else out there for you too. but it literally does not matter to me if someone is waiting, because i don’t want them. i want You. you're the love of my life and my best friend and i seriously cannot imagine my life without you. i can promise you that i will be here by your side. we can be scared of being vulnerable together. LMFAOOOOO WHY IS THIS SO LONG I'M SO SORRY FUCK AND I AM NOT EVEN DONE SINCE YOU POSTED ANOTHER MESSAGE ON THE PADLET AND I WANNA REPLY TO THAT TOO. yes it takes me days to reply to one (1) singular message yes i live like this. anyway the latest message put me in such a good mood. your care package isn't here yet but i can already tell that it is going to work perfectly. but?! your hobby is literally naming pets after food or things and honestly? i respect that life. i still remember when you talked about wanting to get a cat to name it pancake. 🥺 i hope you took pictures of your friend's dog, though. 😡 and on god i knew something was gonna happen to you. kisses your wrist and puts a bandaid on it. the fact that you're still running around sleep-deprived and with a sprained wrist is so You. fucking sagittarius sun gemini rising headass. but OMFG I USED TO LISTEN TO THAT SONG WHEN I WAS A KID. you brought back so many memories. </3 while my baby was being a busy bee, i was busy being Lazy. my week has been kinda ok? i've been spending my days watching stuff on netflix but now i'm sad because i saw a possible spoiler of the drama that i am currently watching aND . I DIDN'T SPEND THE LAST FOUR DAYS CRYING FOR THEM TO PULL THIS SHIT. also since there is straight up a coronavirus outbreak in my region, all the schools are closed and the shops have to close down at 6pm so i don't have to work at the office this week! a win! kinda! if we ignore the reason why i can stay home! will that stop me from going out though? absolutely not. x today i went to the gym despite the warnings lolz and i even passed out so fr who's doing it like me! then i went grocery shopping and i napped for like 6 hours. i had an appointment with my old school's head master scheduled for tomorrow since we have to talk about uni and stuff but they cancelled it :/// so i'll spend my day maybe doing some work and Sleeping. anyway. this message is a big mess but  i mith you so bad and i feel so shitty for disappearing and i'm over being a ghost so! we're sleeping together tonight. :)