#nezriel too now apparently

[beansidhebumbling]

An Examination of Cruelty and Other Such Failings

Nezriel Exes

Her dress was still crumpled where it had been thrown haphazardly the night before, the red silk a symbol of a passion that had burned in the wee hours of the morning with little regard for any sanctity her Mama upheld in Nesta once.

Before.

Before him. Before touches too hot, eyes too knowing, teeth too sharp; Before Nesta started to worship a different god, a crueller one, maybe. All gods were cruel but Azriel... he was a lesson in the what happened when one cared more about the sum than the parts; the breathing, human parts.

Her own breathing felt painful now, the beginning of a stress headache burning at her eyes and pulling tight on her skull. Az. No. Azriel. Not Az anymore, not to her, breathed deeply, steadily, like an innocent. Nesta snorted to herself, a liar even in his sleep.

How very him.

***

The light seeped in through gauzy, white curtains, Mor’s hand no doubt, and Nesta was stricken by how his face, beautiful in the age it was beginning to show, in crepey lines and hollowness, was softened by the dappled, yellow light. Maybe not all age she noted, on a closer look, comforted that her examination would remain a solitary pursuit by the metronomic movement of his chest. The purple shadows pressed into his eyelids, his naturally chiselled face looked just the wrong side of gaunt..

this was not quite the face she loved.

***

She was under no illusion that she had changed since they parted. An argument, a fracturing, a break-up. Words too small for a hurt so big. So explosive, and bitter, and brutal. Her frame softened and wider by the Gilmore Girls diet she’d been following, by the stress that’d been mounting. It was hard to mind herself the way he had.

Hard when three square meals had never been on a list short enough to receive attention, let alone fruit collected from markets in hemp net bags, prime rib-eye wrapped in grease paper, endless variations of nut butters organised on his ridiculous, Italian marble condiment station. Meals he plied her with, spoiled her with, until she allowed herself to grow comfortable with Az Azriel wanting to mind her in ways she could not, did not herself.

Stupid, stupid Nesta.

She should have known better. Comfort was yet another luxury she couldn't afford.

She never felt comfortable anymore.

***

He had not looked different in the dim hazy light of the bar. He had looked as well-maintained, manicured, and handsome as was expected when you had an extensive home gym, Peloton a given, and La Mer hand cream on tap. While his eyes burned from across the bar, the patrons gathered to celebrate Feyre and Cassian’s engagement utterly failed in their roles as buffers, he had looked as he always did.

Intense, consuming, heart-breakingly beautiful.

Even as some horrid part of herself noted with disdain that her thighs chafed against each other, rubbing in softness, in a way they hadn’t in the time before. That the women he’d surely slept with after she walked, probably blonde, probably charming, probably utterly lovely, would never dare to allow such a thing.

His hunger for her had thickened the air around her, had made her think of the unread texts sitting too heavy and tempting, weighing down her inbox, that had led to her blocking his number. Of the new Instagram account he had made. The man who was invisible to social media for so long, who had waxed lyrical to her time and time again of the black hole of energy it was made of. The man who huffed a laugh into her drying hair as she had pushed back,

‘Yeah, yeah, old man. Now let me scroll and fall into this hole in peace’.

The man who was now first to like any photo she was tagged in on Elaine’s, Eris's, even Rhysand’s account.

His request to follow her remained unanswered.

Even gods could change apparently.

Even gods could lose.

***

Her eyes caught the time on his digital clock, bringing her back to herself again. The red numbers flashed a warning,

Move...

Move.

Move!

Avoid confrontation.

Azriel had always risen before seven, one of the things bald men with podcasts attributed his success to. She couldn’t afford to stay any longer in reverie, to let him coax her back. Especially when no small part of her craved it. 

She turned away from him and his pretty, peaceful face, to wriggle her way out from the tanned arm laying on her hip, gripping at her, even through the thick coverlet. While doing the overly familiar dance of collecting strewn underwear, wriggling her way into the tight red slip, she looked at him and her chest tightened just a bit more. Because there he lay, half of a once-great love, vulnerable and searching, seeking her across the expanse of the mattress.

This was why she couldn’t even steal his shirt, an infinitely more comfortable walk of shame look. She couldn’t because she knew he’d take any reason to talk to her, to knock on her door. She couldn’t hand him a legitimate invitation in the form of a crisp Brioni shirt.

 She wasted no time brushing her teeth, with her toothbrush found in the sleek, mirrored cabinet. Her pink toothbrush still kept like some sad, weird shrine to their intimacy. She knew she'll dwell on that later.

She made her way to the door of his room, steps light and well-versed in their terrain, leather jacket thrown over her shoulders, purse, and thrifted, white, slingbacks in hand when the sound of his breathing changed.

Fuck.

***

She stilled on instinct, heart dancing, as he pushed himself upright in a way that was so fast it was almost comical if his dark eyes didn’t arrest on her, narrowing as he caught her red-handed in her escape.

Heart beating too fast, mind moving too slow she went to speak a few times before,

‘Sorry, didn't want to wake you. Keep our mistakes private, right?'

She was aiming for light but the awkward laugh at the end was undercut by how her voice cracked mid-sentence.

Was that hurt that flashed on his face before it was cold and shuttered once more?

He was out of the bed, brazen in his nakedness and upon her before she’d finished, his big hands, cupping her face, and a voice so rich, still gravelly from sleep, retorted,

‘Oh Nesta, not a fucking chance sweetheart. If you think you’re leaving this room after last night, after a mistake,’

the last two words sharpened and thrown back at her like arrows,

'you are being as delusional as I was five months ago. I was wrong. I was wrong to let you go. And believe me I've atoned for my sins, but I will not stand for you calling this a mistake. I won't watch you sneak away from a room we should share.'

Those brown eyes were deep pools of sincerity and regret. Gods repented in this strange, new world it seemed.

The next words were spoken so softly, almost to himself,

‘I can't. I can't. If you want to hurt me, at least let me hear your voice as you do so, let me look on your face as you break my heart once more. Stay with me and do as you will. I can tolerate anything but your absence.'

Shaking his head as if to refocus, he smiled, a pitiful, broken, best attempt at one, with eyes that roamed her face, gorging on all they had missed, before saying,

‘Come back Nes.'

'I thought I was a distraction.'

She sniped.

She remembered still.

He winced.

There, she thought, first blood in a new fight. Though God knew they'd spilled plenty here before.

***

The pulse of arousal that pierced her was sharp and strong and she hated that this was the most alive she’d felt in months. That she yearned for this fight, has been since she talked herself into approaching the bar last night, lying to herself that all she was doing was fulfilling a craving for bottom shelf vodka and coke.

She'd been to enough therapy since to know she was on shaky ground. She was envisioning the frenzied fighting and fucking to come, a sickening thrilling deja vu, when he kneeled.

Legs buckled like a broken puppet.

A script change.

Tears streamed from eyes filled with such anguish she felt her own swell in response as Azriel cried,

'Never a distraction. I was stupid, a liar and a fool. I kept telling myself that, telling you, because the truth terrified me. You were, are, and always will be everything to me.'

Tugging at his curly fringe, a nervous habit of his, he continued.

'I thought if I believed that, that you were a distraction, I'd find a way to survive even if you left me. Instead it drove you to walk and I found out none of it mattered. There were times in your presence I thought heaven might exist. Your absence, however, confirmed hell is real and it lives in the empty space you once filled beside me.'

Her skin felt like a live wire. Girls like Nesta Archeron didn't get love confessions from exes, they got bad credit and a therapy bill.

Or they had until now anyways.

'How do I know you've changed? All the time you made me feel full never compensated for what you took when you hid me from your friends, when you called me a...'

The word was too hard to say.

She resorted to examining the crown molding as Azriel waited a beat then answered carefully.

'You can't. I'm asking you to trust me knowing I have no right to. I love you Nesta. This is all too late. I know that. Believe me. I'm going to win you back. I swear it. You leave today and I'll find a way tomorrow or the next day. I had sworn to leave you be but looking at you now, I know you feel it too. I just hope someday you'll see it as a blessing too.'

***

When she leaves she feels his eyes following her to the taxi.

In the coming weeks he sends gifts - antique books, red dahlias, mix tapes of songs he thinks she'll like.

When she gets a text from a new number she does not block it.

When she visits next time, she brings her suitcase with her.

Because she understands.

The only craving she has ever had was for him.

As has been the case since she first started working for him, they were drawn together, they both knew this on some level.

That they were unbreakably bound to each other by gods so cruel.

Maybe crueller than him.

Maybe crueller than her.

Somehow.

[whyisaravenlike-awritingdesk]

Almost everything is on AO3 under Daughterofthesea ✨

Nessian:

Promise ACOSF/ACOFAS fix-it fic (Complete) I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV

Just Give Me Tonight Cassian works through his feelings for a mortal Nesta. Set mid-ACOMAF. (Complete) I, II

The Grand Tour Cassian once dreamed of showing Nesta the world. Now he can. Just Give Me Tonight spin-off. (Complete) I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII

Untitled (sort of Nessian, anti-IC) drabble

Overture After seeing her dance, Cassian fills the symphonia with Nesta's favourite songs. (Complete)

Carynthian Cassian watches Nesta through a mirror during the Blood Rite) (Complete) I, II

Dance, Let it Be Set post ACOSF, there's only one thing that will take Nesta's mind off the horrors of the Blood Rite and Feyre's labour. (Complete)

Hold You Till Forever Cassian made Nesta a promise on the battlefield. In the immediate aftermath of the war, Nesta goes searching for him to make him a promise of her own, having realised a few things in their brush with death (Complete)

Semper Eadem Elizabethan AU. It’s 1575 and Nesta Archeron, lady-in-waiting and favourite of Queen Elizabeth I is trying to forget the bastard nobleman who, eight months ago, stole her heart and left. Now, at a pageant thrown in the queen’s honour, Cassian is back and trying to win Nesta round— but there’s no way she’s going to let him off easy. (Complete) i, ii, iii, iv, v

Through the Dark When the ravens attack the library, Cassian suppresses every violent instinct he has in order to give Nesta what she needs. (Complete)

The Bargain People whisper about the god that lives in the forest, that grants wishes to the desolate and the desperate, but when Nesta Archeron takes it upon herself to enter the forest and ask the god to save her family, she gets much more than she bargained for. (Complete)

Heirs to Empty Thrones In the absence of the king, Nesta finds herself carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and there's only one knight in the world that can take her mind off it. Medieval AU. (Complete)

How The Light Attaches to a Change of Heart It’s been three years since Rhys demanded Nesta move to the House of Wind or be exiled to the human lands. That day, she walked away and never looked back, choosing a new life for herself on the continent. But something’s not right, and when she returns to Velaris for Elain’s birthday, she figures out what she was missing all along. (In progress)

A Final Poison Kiss Delivered Gently Nesta Archeron is a renowned and ruthless fae warrior, but she gets far more than she bargained for when, in the midst of battle, she finds herself up against the most fearsome General. Retelling of the Achilles/Penthesilea myth. (Complete? Maybe? Maybe not?)

How Could You Think, Darling, I’d Scare So Easily? Set post-acofas and pre-acosf. Each night Cassian sits on the roof of the building across the street from Nesta’s apartment, waiting for a light in her window. (Complete)

Should’ve Worshipped Her Sooner Cassian can't sleep because he's too busy simping over Nesta. A drabble partially inspired by Hozier's Take Me To Church.

If You’re Lost, Just Look For Me When Cassian is called away to Illyria for a whole week, Nesta finds her mate has left her something behind - several somethings, in the form of letters hidden throughout the House of Wind. Set post-ACOSF. (Complete)

Nevermind Twelve months to the day since she and Elain were thrown in the Cauldron, Nesta finds herself at one of Feyre’s dinner parties, trying to wrestle with an entire year’s worth of grief— until Cassian holds out a hand. (Complete)

Who Am I, That I Should Get To Hold You? When Elain throws a ball to celebrate her recent engagement to Greysen, there's nothing she wants more than for Feyre to attend. To keep the newly-Made Feyre safe beneath the wall, the General of the Night Court is resolved to attend too, planning only to observe the party from a distance. But when the irascible Nesta Archeron makes her entrance, Cassian's resolve crumbles and over the course of a single dance, he finds out that perhaps Nesta was always destined to be so much more than he bargained for. ACOMAF AU. (Complete)

My Hand Was The One You Reached For In the midst of war, Nesta Archeron bandages an injured General's wrist, and as Cassian lets Nesta tend to his wound, he realises there's not a thing in the world that could make him pull away. (ACOWAR fix-it). (Complete)

Hold Me Like A Knife After a decisive battle forges a peace treaty between the king of the West Saxons and the leader of the viking horde, Anglo-Saxon Nesta Archeron is brought north for the first time in her life when the king’s court travels to Jorvik. She should be terrified, and yet quickly she discovers that there are some things about the heathens that she can’t help but be drawn to… especially when a chance encounter brings her face to face with one viking in particular. (In progress) I, II

Begged & Borrowed Time Stuck in a loveless marriage, Nesta meets Cassian at entirely the wrong time. ACOMAF AU. (In progress) Prologue, I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, XVII, XVIII, IXX, XX, XXI, XXII, XXIII, XXIV, XXV, XXVI, XXVII, XXVIII, XXIX, XXX, XXXI, XXXII, XXXIII,

Nezriel

A Liar, A Fool Cassian pulled away from Nesta's touch, but when she fled, Azriel followed. ACOWAR fix-it) (Complete)

A Part of Me That Will Never be Mine It's Solstice Eve, and in the wake of Cassian's Solstice gift to Mor, Nesta flees the town house, but instead of Cassian walking her home, it's Azriel. (Complete)

A Taste of the Divine Returning from a mission, the Night Court’s spymaster arrives back in Velaris in need of a stiff drink above all else, but after seeking out Velaris’ seediest tavern, Azriel gets more than what he bargained for when he finds Nesta inside. Post-ACOWAR, pre-ACOSF. 

Nessriel

The Light I Need Set mid-ACOSF, Cassian finally notices Nesta's aversion to fires. Wanting nothing more than to help the woman he loves, he turns to the brother who he knows has faced similar trauma in the part. Soft three-part Nessriel fic. (Complete) (I, II, III)

Neris

The Gold in the Flame (Burns Brighter Now) Nesta had always been too sharp for their liking-- for her sister and Rhysand's Inner Circle. But during the Solstice celebrations at the Hewn City, Nesta dances with Eris in Feyre's place and learns that, perhaps, being sharp isn't always a bad thing. (For Nesta Week 2023 day 2: sharp). (Complete)

Elucien

A Rose Without a Thorn Growing tired of all the barriers between them, Elain finally snaps during one of Lucien’s visits to the River House. Set post-acosf.

Gwynriel

That one little snowball fight fic I wrote that doesn't have a title

[theladyofbloodshed]

I have read almost all of your fics and I adore how you write Nesta. I really appreciate how you have handled her character in you Neris, Nezriel, and now Jurian x Nesta (Jursta? Can’t be Nesian) fics and I’m so glad you have kept her as a center in your fics ❤️ and so since you’re someone that I feel understands Nesta’s character, what are your thoughts on Feyre? I’m curious because the word abuse is often thrown around alot when it comes to Feyre and Nesta. I personally don’t give the time of day to Elain, Mor, and Rhys stans that are anti Nesta because no real case can be made but with Feyre? It is tricky. Anyways I’m humbly asking for your thoughts on Nesta and Feyre sister dynamic. Thanks so much for your content 😊

Thank you so much for the nice words. Nesta is my number one 🧡 I hope you are ready for a 10,000 word essay *cracks knuckles*

I find this so complicated.

At the beginning of Acotar, Nesta is almost comically wicked. It’s like a pantomime. Randomly sniping at Feyre at how bad she smells. But then I think, well she has been hunting in the woods so probably does? The cold outdoors has a really specific smell when somebody comes in. We know Nesta doesn’t mince her words. But it is such a randomly rude thing to say. (As somebody who is the youngest of 4, i wish saying we smelt was the worst insult slung).

I don’t doubt that they had many issues growing up. They were all in a terrible situation. I doubt any of them are innocent and didn’t argue back. It’s difficult to analyse their relationship because it’s so tangled with their other family members.

Feyre hunted due to the promise to their mother and because she had the bravery to learn. But she also had minimal time with their mother, she says she is the strangest child because she was born on the longest night of the year, and we know Feyre was left to her own devices a lot hence not being able to read and having to teach herself to swim. She was the only sister capable of learning to hunt. Feyre was neglected a lot as a child which was not Nesta’s fault, but if she saw that her eldest sister was her mother’s favourite and her middle was her father’s then yes she likely feels quite jaded.

Nesta spent the most time with wealth and their mother. She was primed to be a good little wife for the longest time. Even if she wasn’t stubborn enough to starve, there is no way Nesta would have been able to find that spirit to head off into the woods and learn to hunt. It’s so “unfeminine”. She even hates wearing pants in acosf. I just don’t see any way Nesta would have taught herself to hunt. She isn’t as daring as Feyre.

Father

The biggest neglect came from their father. He is abusive.

Nesta gets the heat for not hunting but not once is any blame put on him by the ic etc. And not just for that. Okay, he cannot walk. Physically was unable to hunt. But he was too proud to work in other ways. He was called the prince of merchants. We assume he was well educated - or at least could read. So why didn’t he teach his daughters when he could give them nothing else? Why did he not teach Feyre to read - why does Nesta get the blame for it? Why didn’t he find work that didn’t require physical exertion? He apparently had absolutely no contacts as a merchant, whose job was trading goods, who was willing to offer him help or work. Nobody was willing to help a widow with three young daughters? He had no friends or acquaintances? Feyre gets so close at one point to acknowledging his failures; I think it’s when she said that Nesta was realistic and didn’t fill their heads with talk of regaining wealth like the father.

He puts a massive strain on their relationship because Nesta is trying to spur him into action whereas Feyre is ensuring they don’t starve so he has no reason to act. Nesta is angry that Feyre is not helping her plan. Feyre is angry Nesta is not helping her.

Nesta gets blamed for things that their father could have done - teaching/providing. Feyre is the one who has told her story to the IC and obviously has not put any blame on her father when she’s told the story, further twisting her and Nesta’s relationship.

Elain

I don’t know why Elain seems like the baby by a good number of years but she does. For some reason, Nesta chose to be her protector. If you’ve ever hung out in a group of 3, it ends up being 2+1 and that’s the family dynamic we have. Poor Feyre is always the one left out. Nesta always chooses Elain. She will always choose Elain. Until acosf when Elain turns her back on her and chooses Feyre because it’s safer. For Nesta, it’s unfair and a massive betrayal because she spent so much time caring for Elain - and when she needed someone to lean on, Elain moved to Feyre. Not Feyre’s fault but I can see how Nesta would read it that way. And for Feyre she probably feels glad that she is being picked for once.

Elain was also in the cabin, also knew how to read and is only a year younger than Nesta. The fact she is never held accountable to the same level as Nesta for not hunting/teaching must really piss Nesta off. And it drives yet another wedge between Nesta and Feyre.

The IC/Rhys

Thanks to Feyre already telling her new family about her sisters, the ic meet them with prejudice. Elain is given a bit of a pass but Nesta is already the villain. Not the father. We never hear any of them criticise the father - even though they all have terrible fathers themselves and should be able to empathise with Feyre and her sisters.

When Cassian and Rhys meet Nesta, she is public enemy number one despite forcing themselves into her home (Feyre makes her host them, even says to them she’ll make Nesta contact the queens) despite it putting Nesta and Elain’s position in jeopardy. At this point, Nesta is trying to protect Elain’s relationship with Graysen. Upon meeting her for the first time, Rhys says he can never forgive Nesta. No issue with Elain or the father. Later when Feyre asks him to let it go, he still refuses to but “Elain is Elain”. It’s unfair.

Because Feyre and Nesta have such a strained relationship, it affects everybody else’s view of Nesta. They knew Feyre first and believe her. They side with her. Rhys flies so fast she vomits and he finds it funny. Nesta expresses concern over Cassian and Mor tells her to keep her forked tongue behind her teeth. Nesta is never allowed to be soft or vulnerable with them because they always have their hackles up around her - then she loses her home and humanity and gets sucked into their life where Feyre is at the centre of their universe and can do no wrong. Nesta feels even more pushed out and unwanted. It’s not Feyre’s fault but when Feyre tries to change things, Rhys won’t forgive Nesta.

To me, it was not abuse. Nesta was an angry, hurt girl who had lost her mother, her home, and her future. Her anger came out through lashing out. It wasn’t just at Feyre. She thought she was too good for the village. She looked down on them all. She was cruel to the father. She even snaps at Elain. There isn’t a power imbalance between her and Feyre when they’re mortal. Nesta wasn’t doing it to gain anything. She didn’t feel better as a result. She was just lashing out constantly. Was it nice? No. Does she massively regret it? Yes. Part of growing up is looking back and thinking “I really wasn’t the best I could have been back then”.

But their relationship isn’t all completely miserable or Feyre doing everything. Nesta shows her love through actions and in acotar she displays it in many ways:

Nesta chops wood at the start. Once Feyre asks her to and the second time she does it of her own accord.

When Elain is begging Feyre for money, Nesta reprimands her for it.

When Feyre returns from Prythian, Elain and their father host a ball and all these suitors come after Feyre for her money. At no point are they ever chastised for not really missing Feyre and seeing her as a cash cow. What happened during the ball? Nesta stayed by Feyre’s side all night protecting her from unwanted suitors.

Elain complains that Nesta has freaked out all of her friends by being miserable and withdrawn - because she knew that Feyre had been taken by Tamlin and it affected her deeply.

Nesta saw through the glamour and hired the mercenary to try and get to the wall to bring Feyre home despite being scared of the mercenary (because her and Elain were once robbed by one) and faeries.

She asks Feyre to teach her how to paint and while she does that, she wants to Feyre’s story.

Nesta encourages her to write when she returns from finding Tamlin. She sees Feyre off. Their father is counting money in his study and doesn’t even come to say goodbye but nothing is even mentioned about that.

These things are forgotten about by some feysand stans. It upsets me a lot that Feyre and Nesta’s relationship ends on a high note in acotar then the next time they meet, Feyre is surprised that Nesta won’t let her in with 3 faeries. Nesta knew she’d let her sister go back to Prythian during a time of danger then heard nothing for months. She was likely worried sick. But Feyre doesn’t care about that because she has a new family and needs to win their love. Despite the horrific months she spent UTM, she doesn’t share that with the IC - but instead tells them about Nesta.

There is now a massive power imbalance between the two sisters. Feyre is high lady, she’s wealthy and Nesta is essentially at her mercy. She has nowhere else to go. They don’t have a sisterly bond because Feyre is her provider, her employer, her land lord, her queen. Along with Rhys who doesn’t like nesta. Nesta essentially lost her home because Feyre told ianthe all about her. The ic entered their lives and rhys promised to have guards there round the clock but they still were turned fae. And then Feyre went back to spring and Nesta was left alone in an unfamiliar court with strangers trying to take care of Elain. It’s a massive change and she likely feels very angry with Feyre and hurt.

And yet again, Nesta and Feyre never have any time alone to be sisters. Feyre will always choose Rhys over spending time with anybody else. One of the best scenes for me is when the three sisters huddle together for sleep when elain is rescued. You can see how much they love each other in that scene when Nesta beats Rhys to hug Feyre and is sobbing then they all sleep cuddled up. It’s so tender and they need time to actually get to know each other when they’re not angry or starving.

I think at their core they’re quite similar. Neither has ever been loved enough. Feyre is desperate to be loved and latches onto anybody who gives her attention. Nesta doesn’t trust that anybody does genuinely love her so pushes it away rather than lets it in.

Tldr; they have a strained relationship that isn’t helped by others interfering and affecting it. Feyre and Nesta need to spend time together alone and get to know each other with other people butting out.