#new update is already halfway done....lol i hate myself too

[johnslittlespoon]

HI I'M ALIVE i swear this is a pattern at this point, i post a new fic/chapter and disappear for a phat day (or two) lmaoo i literally get The Fear and i have to avoid notifs/comments for a bit <33

that being said, wept reading the comments on TAS, i'm so so thankful y'all are vibing with it because i was NERVOUS about posting my first ever modern au and i wanted to make sure it still felt true to the characters but everyone's been so unbelievably kind i'm so wahhahhhh :')) i appreciate the sweet words SO so much, it's so reassuring and so motivating <33

so motivating actually that i'm already halfway done ch2... whoops? litch rally buzzing with how excited i am to write, i don't think i've ever experienced this which sounds strange but like. okay hold i can already tell i'm gonna go on a tangent so let me cut myself off with a read more lmaoo

idk, does anyone else ever sometimes feel like even though obviously we all write fic for enjoyment because we do it for free, sometimes it feels like a chore? not in the sense that i feel obligated to write, but just that even though i feel passionately about what i want to write, it's just hard to get my brain into gear (adhd aside) even when i really want to. i'm just thinking out loudddd now but my concerta just kicked in so it's inevitable LOL word vomit and thought processing is apparently a necessary part of my writing process smh

writing yad(iym) has honestly been so helpful with this because one of the biggest things that i struggle with when writing is that i have a super vivid imagination and can picture exactly what i want to portray/convey, but sometimes i don't know how to get there, but with the dog coded fic i have the timeline of the actual show to follow, so it takes a lot of pressure off in that sense! it's sorta like filling in the gaps because i have something base level to work with.

but 99% of the time when writing, i don't have that, so i end up avoiding my docs often because i feel stuck in terms of progressing the storyline, and my writing process drags on so longgg. i'm finding too now that i'm writing my first (and second oops) actual long fic that oneshots are actually more difficult for me to finish for some reason despite most of mine being shorter than a singular chapter in my fics, which is funny because i was so terrified of commitment starting a chaptered fic but i've ended up being more consistent.

anyway point is, i adore writing yad(iym) and it's been the most fun experience i've had fic writing, but now that i've sorted out the world building aspects for tough and sweet, everything is just flowing and instead of having to sit myself down at my desk and kinda just force myself into the zone, i cannot drag myself out of my docs?? and i've never had that happen but i'm definitely trying to take advantage of it while it lasts and get as much written as possible!

i think it also helps that it's so lighthearted compared to the angst of yadiym (tho i've got some angst planned for tas too lol sry) so i don't have to think as much about the weight behind certain dialogue, or carefully plan out the progression of the relationship dynamic the way the time period/setting of yadiym requires. it's a nice breather from the constraints of the mota–verse (as much as it's still my favourite thing to read/write with these boys), but i also enjoy getting to sink back into that doc when i want something deeper than the little biker boys.

i'm still very much working away on yadiym tho to be clear!! i was scared to start tas before i finished it in case i hyperfixated on tas and my updates got slow on yadiym, but it's genuinely helped me find a balance because i'm always working on one if i'm not working on the other <3 i'm about half done ch6 too for yadiym (how many times can i type that in one post jfc), i'm just at an internal emotions heavy part which i Hate. writing lmaooo give me dialogue or smut and i can type away for hrs but introspection?? internal conflict? hell

ok that's all my fic related rambling thank uuuu/apologies if u sat thru all of that LOL lmk if your writing process/mindset is similar or not bc i'm always curious about how other people's brains work with this stuff!! also how does one get over feeling obnoxious about rambling on their own acc like. this is my acc. i could post 100 times a day if i wanted. i need to Relax good god

[chayscribbles]

chayscribbles’ monthly writing update ☆ january 2023

☆ STATISTICS.

words written: 10 029

projects worked on: Andromeda Rogue; The Gemini Heist; and a Third, Secret Thing :)

proudest accomplishment: uhhh i can't really thing of anything... i made it to 10k words for the month at the very last minute does that count

books read: Six Wakes by Mur Lafferty; Station Eternity by Mur Lafferty

☆ GENERAL COMMENTS.

as you may or may not have noticed i haven't really been active on writeblr lately. between work, the fact that it's january, and having to shovel through, like, 4 snow storms, i haven't really had the time or energy.

started the writing year super strong. hit a wall about halfway and have since been in a terrible slump for most of the month.

however it turns out that you can trick your brain into thinking it's experiencing New WIP Euphoria by digging up and revamping an old wip (i.e. the Third, Secret Thing).

book comments: both books i read were about murder in space. both were pretty good. both get a solid 4/5 stars.

(between that, watching Glass Onion, rewatching Murder She Wrote, and starting to watch Columbo, i think i'm on a bit of a murder kick lately.)

more specific wip-related comments + featured excerpt below.

☆ COMMENTS: ANDROMEDA ROGUE (draft 2)

not much to say about this one tbh. while most of my words from this month came from this wip, i've,, mostly just been patching up little things like smoothing over inconsistent details and adding a little meat to description and exposition... but i've been procrastinating on fixing the Big Stuff 😭

i really like how the new version is turning out compared to the first version tho. it's so much cleaner & that's very satisfying.

if only i could just *clenches fist* get myself to actually fuckin work on it

☆ COMMENTS: THE GEMINI HEIST (outlining / draft 0.5 or something)

i finished part 1 of 7!... and now i have no idea what i'm doing.

i don't think i like fast drafting lol. i hate how shitty my quality of writing has been. and yeah whatever that's the point of a fast draft blablabla but like, when my draft is already a little bit readable i can go back and reread parts and be like "oh hey this isn't half bad". and i know people are always like "don't reread right away!!! just keep writing!!!!!!!" but for me rereading as i go is part of the process lmao. not only does it remind me of important things i would otherwise forget, it also encourages me to keep going when i see that what i've done isn't terrible.

and... with this fast draft everything just feels terrible.

not to mention i can't seem to untangle plot... heists are fuckin hard to plan. especially since there's multiple opposing parties with different plans that are all going to inevitably go to shit, and so i have to make more plans for when that happens. it feels so complicated uuuggghghhhgh

☆ COMMENTS: a Third, Secret Thing (???)

i'm not gonna talk about it too much publicly yet so i don't jinx whatever is going on here (and i want to make sure i'm a bit more committed to this thing before introducing anything) but all i'll say is it's an older wip that i've talked about on my old blog that i've dug out and changed the genre into a dark modern fantasy mystery with messy sapphics.

☆ FEATURED EXCERPT.

alright i know i said i didn't want to talk too much about the Third Secret Thing yet but i couldn't find any passages to share in either AR or GH... so have this, with very little context :') uhhh tw for mentions of death and murder.

That’s how she ended up peeking groggily out the door at the frigid winter morning, having hastily thrown a sweatshirt over her pyjamas and a towel over her hair, only to have two police officers inform her that Vanessa Villa-Cortez had been found dead in her apartment early that morning.

“D… dead?” Amina repeated, her mind in a haze. She had to still be asleep, right? Maybe the guilt over ignoring that text had seeped into her subconscious and was feeding her dreams. There was no way someone was at her door telling her that Vanessa, a girl she hadn’t heard from in nearly seven years, was… was—

“Killed in an apparent burglary gone wrong last night,” said one of the officers gravely. “A neighbour noticed the door had been clearly forced in, went inside to check, and found Miss Villa-Cortez’s body on the floor of her apartment.”

Amina’s head began to swim. She clutched the doorposts to keep her buckling knees from giving way completely beneath her. No. No. Vanessa couldn’t be dead. Amina still had to answer her text.

if you know you know ;)

☆ TAGLISTS. let me know if you want to be added/removed to any of them.

genera taglist:

@nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @retrogayyde @quilloftheclouds @ashen-crest @writeblrfantasy @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @extra-magichours @avi-why @lefttigerobservation @chazzawrites @bardolatrycore @innocentlymacabre

andromeda trilogy taglist:

@bebewrites @nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @retrogayyde @akindofmagictoo @quilloftheclouds @nora-theteawriter @ashen-crest @corpsepng @writeblrfantasy @chaylattes @toboldlywrite @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @cheerfulmelancholies @extra-magichours @writeouswriter @cilly-the-writer @lefttigerobservation @rose-bookblood @drowsy-quill @chazzawrites @cynic-and-chief @enchanted-lightning-aes @aesa

gemini heist taglist:

@florraisons @akindofmagictoo @cream-and-tea @nicola-writes @memento-morri-writes @antique-symbolism @rose-bookblood @afoolandathief @pepperdee @avi-why @zonnemaagd @chazzawrites @analogued @enchanted-lightning-aes @innocentlymacabre @kahvilahuhut @celestepens @cilly-the-writer @extra-magichours @retrogayyde

[effinsusie]

Day 7: Purple

CLASS ACT ch 2 on A03

Summary: School’s finally out.  Rated T+

Their tangled bodies fell together in a heap of sweaty exhaustion, clinging on as the world around them slowly fell back into place. Kagome's head finally stopped swimming, but she was still catching her breath, and the heavy rise and fall of his scalding chest beneath her cheek told her he was as well.

When the last stars sparkled from her vision; the fingers buried in thick, wild strands gave a gentle tug that forced her to look up.

"Look at you," she croaked, nuzzling deeper in his embrace, "So smug. It just slipped."

"So much for your restraint."

Those long, talented fingers lazily worked through the knots he'd put there. His own hair was no better, and she braved the arrogance she spent the last two hours feeding just to take another glimpse of the rare, disorderly sight.

Too rare, she sighed. At least lately.

She rolled on top of him to put her face in his own; the challenge in her eyes caused his eyebrow to lift.

Soft lips drifted to his ear. "Bet you can't make me say it again," she whispered before heatedly kissing the abused flesh, sucking on his lobe.

Warm hands smoothed over her backside, squeezing roughly when she rotated her hips. He rocked into the friction that stirred his arousal once again, releasing a guttural groan when skillful lips moved down his neck.

"Hn, I have worked too long around children to not identify such a childish ploy, Miss Higurashi."

Lean legs parted, pinning him between her knees and she rested her forehead heavily atop his own. Blue eyes looked innocently into his, batting dark lashes against his heavy lids.

"Does that mean you are going to discipline me, Principal Taisho?" she taunted, squirming into him again.

She let out a delightful shriek when he made firm contact with her ass, which became a pleasured gasp as he soothed the erotic sting with the offending palm. She threw her head back, encouraging the attention as he feasted on her throat to a chorus of breathy moans and sighs.

When she tried to rise up on her knees, a swift maneuver toppled her, so she was trapped half-way beneath him.

"You are in for a long night," he promised lowly. "I will ensure you are hydrated."

As he tried to pry himself off, she clung to him in protest. He returned for a kiss.

"I will not have you passing out from exhaustion before I am through with you."

Another slap reddened her other cheek, and she finally let him rise, rolling onto her back with a satiated smile.

Scooting to sit against her headboard, Kagome watched on fondly as he took a couple of tall glasses into the bathroom and busied himself at the sink. His chiseled body was covered with bitemarks and bruises, and she admired her handiwork in the various shades of purple littering his long, pale form.

"I meant it, you know."

He looked up from the glass he was filling, lips quirked. "I know."

The smile they shared relayed much more than the lust they'd spent the better part of the evening celebrating. But the circumstances of their relationship forced too much to go unsaid as it was.

"I've really missed you this week."

The hint of sadness in her voice reflected in his gaze, making her feel guilty.

"I will endeavor to make the next more accommodating, lest we find ourselves both seeking employment."

He was only half-joking, but it was clear that ignoring their desires at work was impossible if they couldn't find at least some time together during the week.

She hated those rules, but she loved this job. And she had only just started there. She didn't know if his tenor made the situation better for him, or worse.

"Maybe me, but they won't fire you."

"I am your superior," he said, and shut off the sink. "I am held to a higher standard."

"Don't think that's not how I'll plead my case if we get caught, either." She grinned cheekily as he walked back in the room, a full glass of water in each hand.

"Don't think I will not support those claims."

She was only kidding, but Kagome truly believed she was the only one in danger of getting put up on the chopping block if their colleagues found out about them. At the very least, his job would be spared.

His reputation, on the other hand...

Not that hers would be any better, but that was the more likely consequence of their torrid little affair.

At least, she had to believe it was. She didn't know if she could carry on like this if she thought their actions might ruin him. Speaking of which...

"I meant to ask; did you get ahold of Kagura?"

He rounded the bed carefully with his cargo, looking too stoic not to be uncomfortable with the topic.

He'd pointedly avoided discussing her, though she suspected it was for as his benefit just as much as hers. But enough time had passed, and she didn't want to avoid anything when it came to him.

She'd proven that just thirty minutes ago.

"Unfortunately, I missed her at pick up this afternoon- despite the messages I left."

He handed her a glass and took a seat on the edge of the bed while she greedily gulped it down.

"I called three times, and she has yet to respond," he said, and paused halfway to bringing the water to his lips. "Though considering how we left things, it is not entirely unexpected."

Seeing how much this daunted him, she felt guilty for troubling him with it. But she knew he would have wanted her to.

She began rubbing his back supportively.

"I hope she does, for Rin's sake. You're her daughter's principal; she can't avoid you forever."

He sighed, placing his empty glass next to hers. "You are right, of course, but the wounds are still fresh." At her insistence, he stretched out beside her on the bed, pulling her close as she happily nuzzled into the embrace.

"Regardless, if need be, I shall pay her a visit. Though I hope it does not come to that."

"Me too." She smiled deviously, sliding her body over his. "But I have to say; it's really sexy how you go above and beyond for your students."

Mischief returned to his eyes, staring back at her through sodden, silver bangs. She gyrated, hands smoothing over the planes of his broad chest as he arrested her arms in his grip.

"Let us not forget all I do for the teachers," he rumbled, craning forward.

Before their lips met, she pushed him back.

"I hope I'm the only one getting such special attention."

"Of course," he said, and leaned towards her again. This time, he landed a kiss.

When she pulled away after only a quick moment, he was not discouraged, affirming his hold and busying himself at the hollow of her throat.

"Hm, I don't know," she grinned. "I see you talking to Kaede an awful lot in the lounge..."

A muffled noise vibrated against her, making the hands at his shoulders clutch tightly.

"Merely a decoy," he removed his lips long enough to say, "to divert from the tawdry affair I am having with the pretty, young new hire."

She giggled as he returned to kissing her neck, but they became breathier as he grew more assertive.

"So scandalous," she gasped. "I'm starting to think you didn't hire me on account of my exemplary credentials."

"Of course, I did," he said, dragging his mouth over salty, heated skin. "Though I must admit, that was not the reason I insisted on taking you to lunch on your first day."

She feigned incredulity, forcing him onto his back.

"You mean, you don't take all the new teachers to the nicest restaurant in town to welcome them aboard?"

"No." He kissed her again. "Nor do I invite them to my personal residence for celebratory drinks, offer to help them move into their new apartment or... any of the numerous events that took place afterward."

She rested her full weight atop him, batting innocent blue eyes in his face once again.

"Except Kaede," she asserted.

She shrieked when he flipped them effortlessly, a mixture of giggles and screams as he pinned her beneath his body and let her punishment finally commence.

They continued long into the night, along with a myriad of other noises that made him glad he got her hydrated.

TBC

***

A/N: That's SessKag Week! I wish I could have given you guys (and myself) closure on all these stories, but I'm actually pretty syked I managed to post everyday. I couldn't quite make it last year, and I did not think I'd have more than 3 days to contribute when the week began. I was literally writing until the moment I posted on these, so it was pretty exciting! I learned a lot about what I can get done if I really push, and don't worry about perfection (or whatever my version of that is lol) So, I have this story and Greener Pastures to finish, along with another installment to Transparent (Opaque). Which would you like to see first? I'll see what i can do.

And for those of you screaming WTF? FINISH RENDEZVOUS ALREADY! or UPDATE VICE; don't worry! I did not abandon them. I was just trying to get through this week, and then I swear I will get back to those. Sometimes space from a story makes it better, and i think you're gonna be glad i let it settle.

Thanks for reading!  I have a ton to catch up on.

Oh yeah, and Feudal Connection is having their Inuyasha awards rn on Tumblr. So you can go vote for the fics and art you like for a bit longer.

[vtforpedro]

health update- long post

so we are still trying to figure out all my health shit. I just now started to lose a couple pounds again but still feeling bloated and crampy every day. my right arm looks slightly swollen and hurts + my purple nail beds that literally sparked this entire thing way back on dec 20th, 2019 or w/e that no doctor has acknowledged have gotten darker and now clearly noticeable to other people. been seeing it for nearly 16 months myself but I stopped asking after like a year cause they ~couldn't see it~ in bright ass medical offices and didn't bother investigating further cause You Seem Anxious™ n e ways, I had to call the paramedics on march 29th cause I got so lethargic I felt like someone had drugged me. could barely sit up, speech was slow, could NOT open my eyes, felt like it was hard to breathe. took me three minutes to stand up with a paramedic's help AND I knew if I tried to walk I'd fall. almost fell twice in a row a week beforehand, tho the fatigue wasn't as severe. sorry if I've mentioned this already I don't fucking have any brainpower anymore to remember what I've talked about and haven't have experienced two more bouts of sudden, extreme lethargy, the pain/swelling in my arm isn't going away, purple nail beds, etc etc. so went to my PCP and barely got halfway through explaining everything that was happening and she's like 'yeah so I want you to do labs today' and sent a referral for a vascular ultrasound. so every artery/vein from the big ones in my neck down to my arms and to the tiny ones in my fingers sooo my labs became available for me to see tonight in the lab portal, but my doctor set me up for an appt on monday to 'discuss them' and I was like ok either the labs or the vascular ultrasound is abnormal. OR BOTH yeah, it's probably both. I'm sure doctor's hate that we can view our labs before talking with them but I actually like having an idea of what's wrong instead of being blindsided lmao I knew I had leukemia before my doc told me I did and it was much easier to handle after sitting with it for a few days beforehand so yeah pretty sure I'm really vitamin d deficient, if I'm reading it right, which she was concerned about, plus, again if I'm reading it right, I have a whole ass, brand new incurable autoimmune disorder that honestly sounds like it sucks more than the fucking cancer I have c: c: c: I don't know 100% if I have this but it seems pretty likely and would explain a lot of things going on (not the head stuff, which is very likely still IIH, but the bloating + inability to lose weight, which can be helped so I can continue losing weight to hopefully help the fucking IIH) my body is just. breaking down and trying to kill me at every turn, I swear. like what's the point anymore, nothing ever gets better lol I have no life to live, just chronic disability that's agonizing day in and day out. what's. the. fucking. point. this can be 'managed' but will always steadily worsen over time because it can't be cured sooo,,,,,,, I don't want to do this anymore, I truly don't. I've been telling my mom for six years every time I turn a corner it's something worse and that was for psychological trauma, but now it's turned into trauma caused by debilitating and declining health issues. I don't want to do this anymore did labs on monday for my hematologist to check where the cancer numbers are, I expect that one to take a while to get back. if the cancer numbers are detectable, I can't even treat it (and don't want to since, as my hema put it, the treatment can't be worse than the disease and chemo tried to kill me like three times) yet another thing I could've possibly been treating 16 months ago (third potential thing but You Seem Anxious™ sure delays diagnosis, seems like they should fix that, huh???) as an aside, this is the second time I've read POSITIVE (reference range: NEGATIVE) on my labs and it's not a great feeling guys NOT GREAT AT ALL all of this is happening during a pandemic so I haven't seen my family in over a year and I've seen my brother like twice? since last march? I kinda feel

like I'm never going to see them again at all. haven't eaten in my fave restaurants or gone to a movie. idk it just really feels like these aren't things I'm ever going to experience again got three MRIs scheduled on the 16th to see if my chiari/anything else has worsened. it feels like it has. I'm losing mobility in my neck and it's becoming harder to walk, so if that's any worse or if brain surgery is recommended, idk what I'll do cause I'm not doing that :) it's too risky considering everything else. I'm constantly stuck in a place that no matter which direction I go I face further harm, so what can even be done? I'm sorry. I'm sorry these are always depressing and hopeless, but I don't know how to feel hope anymore. we'll see what my pcp says on monday, but it's not looking good I'm truly sorry if I bring you all down with these posts. it's the only place I can put all my messy thoughts and feelings without feeling judged. thank you, all the same, for listening and offering words of encouragement and hope where I don't have any love you all very, very much. thanks for always being there for me <3

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[gingerxtrash]

As the years go on /4

So I was in a hurry to finish last chapter so I didn’t proofread all the way so sorry for the mistakes. I just needed to update. I really enjoyed it and it got my a little emotional myself lol. Hope this chapter will be good

Rating:T

Couple: Nalu (also some gruvia, jerza, miraxus, gale)

---Lucy’s P.O.V.---

As I walked to the doors of Magnolia Academy the anxiety in my chest is increasing by the minute. In the first time in five years I must soon face everyone I knew that I have attended middle school with, I have to face the friends I once had until I left without warning. My heart is beating, and my body feels as if it’s shaking. ‘Well, it’s too late to turn back now I guess. I can’t be the weak one anymore, especially with what I have gone through’ I thought to myself. I came to the school early to avoid the crowd of kids that will be coming later. Slowly I open the door to enter the school and saw the nearly empty hallway, I make my way down to the principle’s office to check in. After five minutes I find the office and knocked to see if there was anyone there so I can go through with the paperwork.  After knocking on the door I heard a deep and raspy voice coming from the other side telling me to come in. I opened the door and saw a short old man with white hair, on the front of the desk it his name tag was labeled ‘Makarov Dreyar’. “Hello, you must be the new transfer student that I’ve been expecting. Lucy Heartfilia was it?” he said with a small smile on his face. “Yes sir, it is very good to meet you” I said and bowed to him in respect. “There is no need to be formal here, I suppose that you already know of the current gangs here? Please don’t be afraid because they won’t hurt you unless if you do something to irritate them. There is no need to fill out any of your paper work so here is your class schedule” he said. “I already know about them so there is no need to tell me and thank you very much” I said with a smile. “Hope you enjoy your days in Magnolia Academy” he said with a grin and waved me goodbye. I smiled and waved to him. When I looked down at my schedule, I started to make my way to my first class of the day ‘this is going to be a long day’ I thought to myself.

---time skip to English class---

Alright, I have gone through with almost all my classes and now I was on my way to my next and final class. When I opened the door, it creaked open causing everyone in the room to look at me. I scanned the classroom and that is when I saw him. ‘Dear Mavis why does this world hate me so much?’ It will be hard for me to face them due to my disappearance four years ago and I am beyond scared to talk to them. I don’t want them to know anything of my absence because I don’t want them to worry about my situation and I definitely don’t want to put any danger towards them or Fairy Tail.

“Dear, what is your name and are you a new student here?”, a voice I hear from the front of the room comes from a big and bald man who I assume is the teacher of the class. ” Yes, my name is Lucy Hearfilia”. I said silently, trying not to gain more attention on me than I already have. “Well it’s lovely to have you, can you sit next to the big, scary pinky boy in the back?” the teacher says again, and I make my way to my desk and sit down. I look at everyone and see how much they have grown up, well it’s obvious we have grown because we are all 17. Erza has long red hair and a stern look and has a body to die for, she has always been beautiful. Next to her is Jellal who has messy blue hair with the same tattoo he had last time I saw him. Gajeel and Levy are still always around each other, and as promised he does have piercings all over his face, but Levy doesn’t look all that different except for the fact she has grown a few inches over the years. Levy as the same short hair as she did before and looked as if she was going to cry with her eyebrows clenched. Gray has a more sculptured figure then before and had the same messy raven colored hair. Juvia has long blue wavy hair and was sitting next to Gray and stared at me in absolute confusion. The girl with long wavy brown hair was Cana and she had a…. apple juice bottle in her hand...? Laxus must’ve changed a lot because he looks even more scary than he did before. Mira had long silver hair and looked like an angel as always. Mira, Erza, Cana, and Juvia all had big busts so that is a huge difference they have since the last time I have seen them.

Lastly, there he is, the boy…no, the man that I have yearned to see for the last four years. Although, I am afraid that he will never accept me and that is why I need to stay away from him, but he is the kryptonite to my heart. I can’t let myself slip. He has certainly toned up a lot just by looking at his body figure and has messy salmon-colored hair. I look at his onyx colored eyes but quickly looked past them, trying not to get lost in them. He is currently looking at me in pure surprise, but I can see that he is trying his hardest to restrain his emotion. The way he is looking at me makes it even harder to muster up the courage for what I need to say.

After a long pause I gather the strength to face them head on, “I am so sorry to all of you guys for leaving without a word, and I will understand if you guys hate me” I said without showing any emotion. I hated how I need to be harsh to them, but I cannot risk telling them the truth. I cannot tell them because this is something I must do alone, even if I must die in the process.

Everyone just stared at me in shock in what I have just told them, all except for the pair of cold eyes that are set on me. These cold eyes belong to him, they belong to the heir of Fairy Tail, Natsu Dragneel. He once had the eyes of innocence and brightness, but I guess that with his position in the gang he was forced to do many things to become the future leader. I looked at him hoping that he understands what my message to him is. Natsu has always been very respectful to my requests unless it puts me in absolute danger. Natsu nodded his head in agreement so that signifies that he got my message, his gang just turned away when they saw that Natsu’s head turned away from me.

Halfway through the class Mr. Bob told us that we have free time until the rest of class and left to visit the class next to his. Once he left everyone started talking to each other about who ever know what and I didn’t even take the time to listen. In the corner of my eye I see Minerva, Angel, and Jenny staring at me with the same disgusting smirks they had four years ago. Hopefully they don’t plan on talking to me because I really didn’t have the time for their stupid remarks. I can see that they have certainly grown from their physical appearences which I don’t even want to describe. Although, they all wore a bunch of skimpy outfits that revealed a lot of cleavage and probably had five layers of make-up on. There was two other men next to them that had black hair and the other had chestnut hair. ‘Whatever, I don’t have the time nor the energy to associate with them’.

Everything was normal until I heard one voice speck up, “hey loser, why did you even come back? It’s funny because you look more pathetic since the last day we saw you. What’s under that huge sweater of yours? Too many late-night snacks fatty?” Minerva said, and everyone stopped talking. ‘Lovely, another person I have to ignore, although she isn’t someone I mind ignoring’ I thought to myself while letting out a soft sigh. “Hey loser are you deaf or something? I’m talking to you so I demand a answer from you” Minerva said. “Minerva, I don’t think she is worth talking to you knowing that she is now the ugliest brat in the school” Angel said to her ‘friend’. At this moment Erza glared at them, she already has bad blood with Minerva as is. “You’re right Angel, she is a waste, no one wants her here anyway” Minerva said.

Natsu glares at them with a deathly stare and then the bell rings loudly meaning that school is out now. ‘Thank the lord, I finally am done with them’. I get up and quickly start heading out of the door, Loke and Virgo must be waiting for me at the apartment right now. Although, I need to make sure no one follows me home because there are a lot of sketchy people in Magnolia. Who knows, someone may remember me, so I need to keep my guard up.

I make it out of the school and start to exit the gates of the school campus, sadly there are a few people who are following me so I start to walk faster. I finally stop when I heard Minerva’s voice, ‘what does she want now?’ “Hey fatso, did you not hear my question or something?!” she said with an annoyed tone. “Sorry but didn’t bother on listening , oh and you look as if you gained some weight since the last time I saw you” I said with a smirk. “What did you say you b*tch. No one as ugly as you has the right to talk to me like that.” Minerva said who clearly is starting to get mad. I started to walk away until Angel opened her mouth, “we all know why she’s back, the little brat must’ve begged Mommy and Daddy to come back to see her friends, to bad they hate her now” she said while laughing. “Shut your mouth you whore” I said glaring at Angel. “What did you say fatso?” she said back at me in a bit surprise. “I said shut your mouth you whore, did I stutter”, now I as starting to get angry and I know that this little ‘meeting’ will not end well.

Angel starts to walk over to me clearly pissed off from my comment, “you’re gonna pay you pathetic piece of shiz.”  She raise her fist to punch me so I grab her arm with my left hand and used my right knee to kick her in the stomach. She bent over from the kick, so I twited her elbow and pulled it until *pop*. She started to scream in pain since I popped her shoulder blade out of place. “You talk to me again like that and I will not hesitate to put you in even more pain. As I said, I don’t have time for a pathetic piece of trash like you” I said while looking down on Angel with pure disgust and rage in my eyes. She looked at me in pure shock and tear in her eyes “Who even are you? I promise you, that was a big mis-”. I didn’t even bother to listen to her and walked away in the direction. I start to get close to home until I see a red car trailing me from far away, I already know that it is Natsu so I go decided to go a different direction to trail him off. I couldn’t let him follow me home because he can’t see where I’m living. He knows how wealthy my family used to be, so he would of course ask about my living conditions and that could lead to the topic on where my parents were. Although, I actually like living in an apartment because it makes me feel like a normal person and not so rich snob.

I spent a half an hour walking around until I finally stopped at a park and sat on one of the swings and waited for the red car to approach the parking lot. About two minutes later, I see his car pull up and he started to get out of the car with a concerned and mad look on his face. That is something I expect no less from him now, after all he does have a right to be mad at me. Natsu walked up to me and sat on the swing next to me, “What the hell happened?” he said while not even looking at me. “It was nothing, just a bit of a grudge.” I said, still looking forward. His head snapped towards me and he raised his voice, “Don’t play coy, I’m talking about why you dissapered for four years and then you suddenly just come back.” I looked at him back knowing that he was getting annoyed at me, “It’s none of your business okay? You have other things to worry about at this point so there is no need for you to talk to me” I said coldly. Honestly, I felt horrible talking so harshly towards anybody but at this moment it is necessary for me not to show any emotion. “Hmph, don’t you know that it is stupid to say something like that in front of me. I’m your superior so don’t think you can get away with not telling me the truth Heartfilia” Natsu said with absolute rage in his eyes. I widen my eyes and ponder on what he said ‘he’s my superior?’. I stand up and stand in front of him and started to raise my voice, “Excuse me? Since when were you my superior” I said as I started to raise my voice. Natsu stood up to and stood up in front of me looking down to meet my eyes (because he was a few inches taller than me). “Even if you did abandon us, you are still apart of Fairy Tail as you once were. And take note of this, I never leave a friend behind”

I widen my eyes in shock and step back a little but I didn’t notice until it was too, I tripped on a rock. Immediately I feel a strong and firm arm wrap around my back and the other arm hit the ground, like it was preventing me from fully falling on the little pebbles. I look up to see the cause of my protected landing and I see that it was Natsu holding me with his face just a few inches away from mine. I was beyond surprised that a bright red blush covered my face. Since we are so close I can smell the burnt wood that intoxicating my nose which made me crave him. Suddenly, the space between us is starting to close and I can feel the heat that is radiating off of us. Natsu raises his hand to caress my cheek and I---.

“Princess, I was loo-, oh did I just interrupt something? If so you can go ahead and punish me if you’d like to do so.” Virgo said with a smirk on her face. Natsu and I both stand up immediately, embarresed of the situation that just happened. “u-u-uh, no…nothing was happening…w..we were j..just-“ I was trying to make an excuse until I was interrupted. “Don’t fret Princess, you need to run a few errands.”

---Natsu’s P.O.V.---

As I look at Lucy, her back is turned, and she was walking away from me with Virgo. I wanted so badly to reach out to her and not let her leave my sight, I wanted her in my arms, and I desired to get lost in her beautiful eyes once again. I feel horrible about the way I talked to her, my anger got the best of me since this day has been absolutely crazy. It hurts like hell, but I will not let her go easily. I am upset that she un-intentionally hurt me, I am upset that she didn’t want anything to do with me, and I am definitely upset that she is keeping secrets from me. I am a leader, and I will not let my comrades go through things alone. Lucy may not consider herself as a Fairy Tail member anymore, but she will always have a place in Fairy Tail.

“Hey Natsu!” I turn around hearing a familiar voice which belonged to a man in his mid-twenties with messy orange hair and topped off with sunglasses. “Well long time to see Loke, almost didn’t recognize you since you look like an old man now. Bet you don’t get anymore ladies no more.” I said with a smirk to my old friend. “Ouch, that hurt me Natsu and were you ever taught to respect your elders?” Loke said while pretending to act as if he is hurt. “I’m getting bored so I’m going to le-“, as I was talking I was interrupted as Loke put a hand on my shoulder. “I know you have all missed Lucy, but we need you to stay away from her”, Loke said with a serious face. “And why should I listen to you old man?” I snarled, and I was starting to lose my temper because I do not tolerate others telling me what to do. Loke started to walk away, “Virgo and I will be watching you so don’t do anything stupid, Natsu!” he said over his shoulder.

I just look at him walking away, my fists were clenched, my anger started to rise every time I think of what he just told me. My thoughts have been interrupted when I get a phone call, I quickly looking at the screen to see that it was Laxus calling. I answer the phone and put it up to my ear, “What do you need?” I said harshly into the phone. “Calm down pyro, I was just calling because you’re late to the base. Is your brain so small that you forgot about the mission we have in a couple hours? Man, I can’t believe that you’re going to be our new leader.” Laxus said over the phone. ‘That man really needs to take a chill pill’ I thought to myself, I responded, “Yeah yeah I’m on my way right now so don’t get your panties in a twist” I said and hung up the phone without giving him a chance to respond. Walking to my car I look around at my surroundings only to see houses and I start making my way to the base.

---Lucy’s P.O.V.---

After a short and silent car ride home, Virgo and I entered the peaceful looking apartment, we walked over to the kitchen and Loke was sitting on one of the chairs sipping his coffee. “About time you guy’s got home, let’s go over tonight’s plans, shall we?” I took a seat and took off my fake glasses from earlier today. Virgo was retrieving a big piece of paper then took a seat at the table. The piece of paper was a map of a building here in Magnolia and it was also the location I was going to ‘to do some errands’. Loke cleared his throat, catching my attention and grabbed a gun, tranquilizer, and a whip. “Lucy, your mission today is to take out a semi-small gang which is nothing you can’t handle on your own” Loke said in a serious tone and I nodded in agreement. “What is the name of the gang?” I asked, I wanted to know what I was getting myself into ahead of time. My head turned when I heard Virgo’s voice, “The gang calls themselves the Neo-Sies, they are powerful but a sloppy gang. They have started selling women as slaves to pay their debts to other gangs. We need to terminate the gang before their underground business grows” Loke said with a serious face. “Agreed, where is their base?” I said. “15 miles from here so I expect you to leave immediately and leave no trace of your work”. I looked Loke straight in the eye and nodded in agreement. I walk to my room to change into black leather pants and a black leather hood. The outfit hugged my curves perfectly, but I only wore it so I can move around stealthy and quick. I topped my ensemble with black combat boots that stopped a couple inches above my anckles.

Once I am done with changing, I go to the table and grab my assigned weapons and walk to the door, but I was interrupted by Loke’s voice. “Lucy, you will be accompanied by one of the gang members of the gang that acts as a spy. I know this man personally and I trust him with my life.” I look at him in curiosity “If so, who is this man that I am to work with” I said as I rested my hands on my hips. “Don’t worry sweetie, you will figure out in due time”. ‘That man at times can be really suspicious’ “If this ends up getting me killed, I am coming back for you and killing you myself” I said and immediately left.

---Third Person---

“It seems like the topic of punishment has occurred, if Loke gets punished can I get punished too” Virgo said, still in her stoic voice. “Don’t worry I will punish you myself sweet-heart” Loke looked at Virgo.

“I advise to you children that this is mature content between big brother and I, in this chapter we will keep it PG-13” Virgo said looking straight at the screen. “Um Virgo…you really need to stop calling me big brother when referring to sexual topics…it creates the wrong kind of idea…” Loke said with a sweatdrop above his head. Virgo turned to look at Loke, “does that mean I will receive more punishment, big brother?” “OKAY BACK TO STORY!!”

---Lucy’s P.O.V.---

After 15 minutes, I arrive to the destination of the base of Neo-Seis, I see a warehouse with dim lights in the building and a gray exterior. It would look like an abandoned building to the blind eye so that would explain why no one really would find this place too suspicious. There are wired fences around the building, although I am lucky that there is no electrical wire on the top so I would be able to easily climb over. As I get closer to the building, I’m keeping myself in the shadows so I can get a closer view of the place. As I approach the building I see a silhouette walking towards me ‘shiz’ I quickly hide behind the abandoned car until I hear a raspy and deep voice. “Lucy Heartfilia, huh? I’ve been waiting for you, I suppose Loke already told you about me?” I see the figure coming closer and I see a man with chestnut brown spiky/messy hair and tan skin. “Cobra?” I say in a low but questioning voice, “So are you really the friend Loke told me about? Seems to me that he is a bit too old to have friends that are your age.” I said with a smirk on my face. “Hmph, I must admit that the old geezer is a good man” Cobra said. “So why are you apart of a gang that you want to help me destroy?” “There is only one simple answer to that, I was instructed to be a spy to the gang….and they took away someone special to me so I will not let them get away with that” Cobra said with a devilish grin on his face. I choose not to ask because I don’t want to invade his personal privacy, “So do you have any info on the man that we are supposed to kill before we blow this place?” Cobra looked at me “Yes, this man is known as Zero, he is pretty sloppy with his work and has resulted to sex trafficking young woman to pay off his debts to multiple gangs. He has security but they are not all that great at their job so it will be easy to get around. Drug and weapon deals are low due to the quality being completely horrible. They are not worthy of calling themselves a gang and should be disbanded because they are forcing innocent people to join the gang, people who don’t have it in them to take the real jobs” Cobra said in disgust. “I agree, now enough with the chit-chat and lets get this job done with” I said with a playful wink.

---Natsu’s P.O.V.---

The mission is almost over, and I am exhausted and ready to sleep, I really hate it when my dad has me do such easy jobs. At the moment we are on the docks waiting for the shipping units to arrive to receive the drugs and weapons. We are receiving weed, acid, and some cocaine for the drugs. For the weapons we are receiving eckler, Koch HK MG4 Machine Gun, curacy International AS50 Sniper Rifle, and FN F2000 Assault Rifles from the gang Lamia Scale from a few towns away that we work with.

In the front watching for the gaurds are Laxus, Gajeel, Erza, and Jellal because they are some of our best fighters and can take on any amount of people. The people back here are Mira, Cana, Juvia, Levy, and Gray. They are the ones who are checking if our shipment is correct. Lastly, I am the one who is negotiating with Jura Neekisn. He big, tall, bald mixed man with a small mustache and eybrows. Definetely a man I wouldn’t want to start beef with because he is one of the most known gang leaders and the most dangerous. Although, he is not as dangerous as my Father who is known as the King of Dragons.

We are talking about how things are going in the industry and what the upgrades are about. Jura proceeds to talk about what the improvments in the weapons are and what they can do. I honestly couldn’t care less about the drugs but that is one of our biggest demands in the markets. “Mr. Dragneel, have you ever heard of the gang the Neo-Seis at all?” Jura said with a strict face that would make anyone piss there pants, including me. “Yes, there are some members who work for them in my class, hmph some of the girls in there are total cunts so I don’t even bother messing with girls like them.” I say with a smirk on my face, ‘hmph, Luce is the only one I want in my arms and in my bed….wait, what am I thinking’ mentally scolding myself for that thought. “Well, I want you to check them out for me and update their position. They have started a business of sex-trafficing and I am wondering where they are on that. As gang members we shouldn’t really care on what rival gangs do, but this is a form of business that only low-lifes do” Jura said still looking forward at mind and his workers. “I will defentily look into it, it is on our way home so I check it out”  I say looking forward at the same thing Jura is looking at.

Once we got done, me and my team and I entered our black vehicles so we could go back to the base at a quick pace. Jellal is currently driving in the car we are in with Mira, Laxus, and Erza in the back while I sit in the front. “Jellal, take us to the Neo-Seis base. There are some things I need to check out befor we enter the base. Jellal looked at me and then nodded without any question to my orders. It takes about ten minutes to get there, once we got there Jellal parked the car and I proceed to get out.

*Boom*

I soar back and hit the hood of the car as the base of Neo-Seis werehouse is burning from an unknown explosion.

‘What the hell just happened here?’

 Hey so I know that you guys can be a little wierded out from what just happened between Loke and Virgo. I would usually ship Loke with Aries, but due to the story I had to put them together because of comedy effects. PLEASE FORGIVE ME! Anyway I hope that you enjoyed this chapter though 😊 if so please leave a review of a like!!

VIRGO: “I would feel very violated if big brother bunished me Em, I would much rather my Princess to punish me.”

Aries: “Leo *sniff* *sniff* HOW CAN YOU DO THIS *runs away crying*

Loke: No No Aries, it’s all that ginger authors fault!!

Chapter 1- https://gingerxtrash.tumblr.com/post/173317577354/as-the-years-go-on

Chapter 2- https://gingerxtrash.tumblr.com/post/173429902759/as-the-years-go-onch2

Chapter 3- https://gingerxtrash.tumblr.com/post/173535087109/as-the-years-go-on3?is_related_post=1

[mischiefruled]

week #1 - organizing & outlining

So, just got through with my first week at uni. Only two lectures so far, both mostly full of introductions and occasional interruptions by a healthinspection team for corona. Honestly, didn’t learn anything I hadnt already in a levels, but thats ok. Introductory classes after all. I’m just hoping my one edge lasts when I’m in a class fullll of kids from families of law firms and politicians. 

Right now I have a few questions I need to answer.

What do I give priority to here at the start?

How should I divide my studies up? What types of notes should I make? How should I go about this?

What resources do I need to pick and look for?

What is the purpose of this blog?

ANSWER #1

I have a lot to improve on. But to look at each thing is so overwhelming that it leaves me in a state of paralyis. So for now, Im listing them out in order of importance to me

> Get my shit in order. Collect my books, get my new laptop, and set up a good study space

> Figure out my routine. I hate routine. But without any good transport methods it becomes necessary. Two issues with this, one that my mom is difficult and doesnt give me a lot of control on my own schedule. Second is that the library has the texts, but my home has the laptop. I suppose I’ll start taking my ext hard drive but it’ll still be a tad inconvenient

> Make friends and connections. I really need to set up a study system, I like stuydying with people. I also need people to fall back on in case I miss lectures and the like. As much as I hate interacting with people who I can’t be myself around, it will be a necessity. Tangentially related, I need to figure out how I want to appear to others + buy some new clothes for God’s sake.

> Learn TOUCH TYPING. This will be essential if our exams will be given online. Even now I’m typing with jsut two fingers. god. Need to get a speed of 80wpm by the end of this year. Please.

ANSWER #2

I’ve got 5 notebooks so far: class notes, personal notes, cases and summaries, general notebook? [not so sure about this one], and I plan on buying a binder with loose paper to organize final notes. Another thing I need to consider is using OneNote, but that’ll be easier when I finally get my own laptop.

I’ll divide by subject, subjects into chapters, then each chapter as a whole into different aspects to study with. 

Primary notes [study guide] + Extra material notes + core concepts and analysis. 

Furthermore, summarize each chapter in my own words in an essay form. A blog post from an old LLB UoL graduate recommedned something similar.

Finally, do the activities and tasks at the end of the module.

Now, further along the road, I should start looking up past papers and examiners reports. I should regularly consult my professors too, ask them on my methods and clear up any confusion I may have in my core concepts. Perhaps I’ll find a purpose for that general notebook after all in this regard lol

ANSWER #3

I dont quite know why I asked myself that on this blog post... I’m already looking through the study guide for stuff to refer to. Must remind myself to consult professors on what material is most necessary as well.

ANSWER #4

A few things come to mind. i want this blog to motivate me, first of all.

Collect tips, advice, and resources

Weekly summaries of what I’ve done and how uni went and general areas I need to improve upon

Perhaps I should upload chapter summary essays on here too. If I type out my notes on cases as well I will post them here.

Links and stuff I find interesting

Organize my reading list and how far I am with them. Include them in my weekly updates. Perhaps my weekly updates should also contain my goals for the week

┈ ┈ ┈ ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ ┈ ┈ ┈

WELL now that ive managed to spell all that out for myself, I think ill just talk about other stuff now.

the teachers seem nice. the criminal law prof does sound a bit intimidating but the lsm professor was very lax, and the contract law prof was very helpful in explanations and i had a talk with him about materials.

i met three people in class so far, janita, sofia, and zainab. i will try talking to them more, but theyre all rather shy in my opinion. i met an IR student called nawal, she was very sweet and likes makeup and fashion. we talked enthusiastically within moments of meeting one another, i cant even remember how many topics we bounced back and forth between. very easy to talk to, and she doesnt have an instagram so.. well not to be superficial , but that does my raise my opinion of her.

thats all for the personal section

┈ ┈ ┈ ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ ┈ ┈ ┈

WEEKS GOALS

get laptop 

make fee payment to uol

pester SWQ for study guide. i know he has some copies squirelled away i know it..!!!

ask about student gym + again pester SWQ abt the current library system cause.. wtf!

┈ ┈ ┈ ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ ┈ ┈ ┈

READING

In order of importance

LSM UoL study guide [5/7]

Criminal Law UoLstudy guide [3/15]

Public Law UoL study guide [0/20]

Contract Law UoL study guide [0/17]

Learning Legal Rules [0/12]

I made it through 5 chapters with notes within a week. Assuming I can up the pace to about 6, I can manage to get halfway through the rest of these study guides within 3 or 4 weeks.

 I only need to get halfway through, because I need to be slightly ahead of the class, not fully. Then I can focus on learning through textbooks, starting with LSM. It’s the most boring, so Id like it out of the way as soon as possible.

[finn-nelson-for-the-win]

I bet you didn’t think that by “incredibly soon” I meant about a day later, huh? Truth be told I felt kinda bad about the previous chapter because it was mostly just a filler chapter to speed the plot along and show some time passing, but this one and the next couple chapters deliver some seriously flirty vibes and drama (at least in my opinion) and the words just kept coming so I decided to seize the opportunity and post this ASAP.

I also found this chapter rather cathartic to write because I am still incorporating a lot of myself and my experiences into Rae and the story overall, so I really hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! This chapter is at about 2,994 words, which is right on track with my goal of making each mini-fic 3,000 words or less!

Wanna get caught up on the updates leading up to this one? Look no further!

Feel free to let me know if you would like to be added/removed from the tagged list and I’ll be happy to oblige! As always: each and every one of you that read my writing, like, reply, reblog, etc. are amazing people and inspire me to keep writing! :)

Just a Touch of Sweetness

Friday and Saturday sort of just blurred together, as Rae slowly began falling into the routine of Finn sitting with her and Izzie whenever they all worked together, but by Sunday afternoon when Rae walked into her apartment after a long day at work, she felt completely and utterly exhausted—both mentally and physically.

It was mid-November, which meant that the holidays were approaching and things at work were quickly becoming more hectic. To make matters worse, that also meant that there was less than a month left in this semester of Uni, which was making Rae feel relieved but incredibly overwhelmed simultaneously. It seemed as though all of her classes had suddenly announced the final projects and assignments that were swiftly approaching and the stress of everything was becoming too much for Rae to handle.

As much as Rae wanted to just turn on some music and relax in a desperate attempt to ease her worries about school, she knew that procrastination would only exacerbate the stress she was currently feeling with knowing that she had assignments due that evening in both of her online classes, as well as an upcoming exam in her Economics class that has been the bane of her existence this entire semester.

Groaning and sighing dramatically as she turned on her laptop and opened up Spotify, preparing herself to work on her assignments without stopping until she had finished everything that was due at midnight, Rae pressed play on her go-to playlist that she had made to match her mood this time of year, aptly titled “Falling…”, and began trudging her way through the list of assignments she needed to get done.

Hours had passed when Rae finally submitted the last assignment she needed to complete prior to midnight.

Thank fuck that is finally over with!

Rae was still feeling overwhelmed by everything she had coming up in her classes as she attempted to prioritize her upcoming assignments and she could feel her breath catch as the panic and feelings of self-doubt and fear of failing out of Uni this semester crept in. To an extent, Rae knew that she was taking on too much responsibility going to Uni full-time, working part-time, and becoming financially independent after moving away from her family to attend Uni. She had incredibly high expectations for herself and she could not even fathom letting herself down by falling behind in her classes or losing the academic scholarship that was the only reason why attending University was even a possibility for Rae.

Knowing that she had to calm down before she had a proper panic attack, Rae gripped the edge of the desk in her bedroom she was sitting at tightly and began counting quietly under her breath, attempting to regulate her breathing.

Just breathe, Rae…In 2-3-4-5-6-7-8, Out 2-3-4-5-6-7-8, In 2-3-4…Out 2-3-4….In…Out…

When her breathing was almost back to normal, her grip on the edge of her desk loosened and she flexed her fingers that had begun to cramp from how tightly they were clenched.

Despite calming down slightly, Rae knew that listening to music could only do so much to help her relax, so Rae turned to the next biggest comfort and sense of enjoyment in her life: food.

Rae has had a strange relationship with food for as long as she could remember. She had a tendency to overeat to the point of being sick to cope with stress and sadness as a child; however, as she grew older and her self-esteem plummeted as bullying “the fat girl” was a more common occurrence at college, Rae began to not eat in front of strangers. This continued until she also refused to eat in front of people that were not her family, until eventually she skipped meals entirely on a regular basis.

For years she struggled to find some semblance of balance because she knew the dangers she faced from both binging and skipping meals, that is until she found a way that she could love food without the temptation and regret she had previously associated it with.

When Rae was 16 years old she discovered that her casual interest in cooking was a true passion and she had quite a knack for it. As she continued cooking for her family and friends and experimenting with new foods and new recipes, Rae gained a new appreciation for food as a form of art and expression that did not lead to her hating herself afterwards. And so even now, nearly 4 years later, Rae would go on “stress baking” and “stress cooking” sprees to help clear her mind and get relieve stress.

Hmm…what shall I bake today…?

Rae walked into the small kitchen in her apartment and perused her cabinets trying to determine what she had the ingredients to make before grabbing her phone off of the counter to get a second opinion.

Rae: Hiya Izz, random question: Do you like cupcakes?

Rae set her phone back down on her kitchen counter and it buzzed almost immediately indicating that Izzie had already replied.

Izzie: OF COURSE I DO, RAE. All sweet things beckon to me! <3 <3 <3

Rae: Lol…In that case, I just might have a sweet surprise for you tomorrow before work! ;)

Rae returned her phone to its place on the kitchen counter, making a mental note to read Izzie’s response as soon as she had a spare moment after getting the cupcakes started.

Two hours later Rae was putting the finishing touches on the three dozen cupcakes she had made and examining them to determine if there was anything else she should add to them.

Hmm…chocolate cupcakes with a chocolate-hazelnut filling and a cream cheese buttercream…Well, you can never go wrong with a little more chocolate!

Rae proceeded to drizzle the top of each cupcake with the remainder of the chocolate she had incorporated into the filling she had made. She quickly cleaned up the last traces of her late night baking, licking the spoons used to mix the batter and taking pride in the perfect balance of sweetness and rich chocolate flavor she had achieved on this particular batch of cupcakes.

By the time she finished tidying up the kitchen a bit, it was just past 2am and Rae decided it best to get some sleep, fully aware that she had to go to work early the next morning.

***

Rae walked into work well over 15 minutes earlier than she typically arrived, especially on a Monday morning, and took a seat at one of the tables in the break room before retrieving her cellphone from the bottom of her purse to browse her social media accounts.

Uninterested in what she saw while scrolling through Instagram and Twitter, Rae set her phone to the side and began examining the small white box containing the cupcakes she had brought to work for a few of her coworkers until she head the door to the break room open.

“Whoa…Finn, you’re here really early today, aren’t ya?” Rae asked raising an eye brow as Finn walked toward the table she was sitting at with a massive grin.

“Good morning to you too, Mae,” Finn replied, feigning that he took offense to what she had said to him.

“Oh, don’t be that way Finn! It’s good to see you, I just didn’t anticipate you being here so early.”

Rae noticed that Finn stood in front of the table she was sitting at and was shifting awkwardly from one foot to another, biting the skin on his thumb subconsciously.

Why does Finn seem nervous? It’s just me after all, he’s got nothing to be nervous about.

“Finn, you know you can take a seat at the table with me is you want to, right?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry…” Finn pulled the chair nearest to Rae out from under the table before sitting down and giving her a small close-lipped smile to help hide some of the embarrassment he was feeling.

“I just didn’t know if you’d be okay with me sitting down at the table with ya or not…” He trailed off until he was barely mumbling and went right back to biting the skin around his thumb.

Rae and Finn sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes until he lightly tapped the top of the square box she had sitting in the center of the table.

“What’s in the box, Rae?” he asked, clearly curious but resisting the urge to open the box and take a look for himself.

“This box, my dear Finnley,” she began but stopped to smirk at her use of the nickname she knew he secretly hated, opening the box to let both of them see its contents, “contains some of the Chocolate Hazelnut cupcakes that I baked last night and brought for some people here at work.”

“Ah, alright…wait, did you say you MADE these? They look like they’re professional quality! How’s that possible!?” Finn exclaimed, making no attempts to hide his surprise and how impressed he was that these cupcakes were homemade.

“Yeah, I like to cook and bake when I’m upset or stressed, and I’ve been pretty overwhelmed with Uni lately, so last night I did some stress baking. I still have a lot to learn about baking and decorating cakes, but thank you, I tried to make them look halfway decent at least.”

“‘Halfway decent’? Are you shitting me, Mae? These cupcakes are perfect looking! Why in the hell would you want to share these with other people? If I were you I’d just keep them all for myself…”

Rae tensed slightly, trying to determine the best way to respond to Finn without making him think that she was weird.

Careful what you say, Rae...one wrong thing and Finn will always see me as some crazy, fat blob.

“Uh, well I love to cook, but I don’t have much of an appetite for sweets. So whenever I bake a lot, like I did last night, I give most of what I make to people here at work.”

Finn nodded and continued examining the cupcakes that still sat in the white cardboard box while Rae tried to read Finn’s face and figure out what he thought of the explanation she had given.

“Hiya Rae! Morning Finn…you two are here quite early today!” Izzie mused excitedly as she pulled out the chair at the table across from Rae and Finn and sat down, nearly bouncing with her usual level of energy that seemed impossible this early on a Monday.

Both simply shrugged in response, which made Izzie laugh because she could almost swear they were the same person at times with how similar they are.

“Izzie! I have a surprise for you, love, as promised…” Rae opened the box containing the cupcakes, showing Izzie the sweet surprise she had brought for her today.

“Oh my god, Rae! These look amazing! And you made and decorated these yourself!?” Izzie removed a cupcake from the box to examine it further.

“I was just telling Rae the same thing when she showed me the cupcakes! It’s not just me that thinks you’re insanely talented, girl,” Finn replied, playfully poking Rae’s arm to further prove his point to her.

Rae stood up from the table, cheeks blushing a deep red color, and pushed the now vacant chair back under the table, thoroughly embarrassed by Izzie and Finn’s praise and acknowledgment of her baking skills.

“Well, I’m gonna head inside and get to work now. Are you planning to stay out here to eat a cupcake, Izz?”

“Yeah, as long as you don’t mind saving my seat for me, Rae…These look too good and I can’t wait much longer to give them a taste!”

Rae giggled and informed Izzie that she would save her a seat but Rae expected to get Izzie’s feedback on the cupcake as soon as she finished.

“Hey, wait up, girl!” Finn walked hurriedly towards where Rae stood holding open the break room door, allowing him to catch up to her.

Finn gave Rae a huge smile, making her chuckle, and walked beside her toward the seat to the right of Izzie and Rae that has become his regular spot to sit for almost a week. As they passed the radio in the corner of the room, Finn stopped to turn it to Rae’s favorite Alternative music station, which earned him an appreciative nod and genuine smile from Rae.

Just as Rae and Finn got logged into their computers and began getting settled in to answer customer questions, Izzie came bounding through the door, scanning her badge in the process, before rushing to take her seat on Rae’s left.

“Rae, holy shit that cupcake was amazing!”

“Izzie!” Rae exclaimed, laughing at the sound of Izzie cursing, which was a very rare phenomenon.

“I’m serious, Rae! I don’t know how you did it, but that cupcake from the filling to the decorations, to the cake itself were fantastic!”

“Well thank you Izz, I’m really happy to hear you enjoyed it!”

The three of them continued working, only occasionally stopping when Rae and Finn bickered about their opinions of the song currently playing on the radio or when Izzie brought up how delicious the cupcake had been and how tempted she was to take another one during her break that was coming up shortly.

Rae was quickly becoming accustomed to the new dynamic between her and Finn, especially considering that she had been prepared for the worst following the mixed messages she received from Finn last Monday. Sitting next to Finn this week and talking to him more at work than she has heard him speak in the month she had been working here has allowed Rae and Izzie to get to know Finn a little bit better and Rae could almost say she considered him one of her mates.

When Izzie sat back down at her desk after coming in from her break, she turned towards Rae hesitantly, avoiding eye contact.

“Rae…I hope you aren’t too mad at me, but after giving Rebecca the cupcake you saved for her, I ate another one of the cupcakes you brought while I was on break.”

“Don’t worry about it, Izz! I brought them specifically for my friends here at work and I have plenty more at my apartment if you want more. Just let me know!”

“Aw, thanks Rae, I’d really appreciate that!”

Izzie returned to responding to customers and Rae turned in her desk chair when she noticed that Finn was locking his computer.

“Are you about to go on break, Finn?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I just wanted to let you know that if you want a cupcake before Izz eats them all herself, you are more than welcome to take one. I felt like a real dickhead about teasing you with them and not even offering you one,” Rae replied, apologizing for her inadvertent rudeness and lack of manners by not offering Finn a cupcake as well this morning.

“Are you sure I can take one, Rae? You don’t have to give me one if ya don’t want to…”

“Of course I’m sure,” Rae interrupted, “I want to know if it lives up to your expectations or not!” Rae winked at Finn, causing him to gulp audibly and clear his throat before stuttering out his reply.

“Uh, wow…thanks, Rae! You just made my day! I know it’s gonna be amazing because that cupcake looked fucking amazing, but I’m going to give you really detailed feedback, okay? Because I really love critiquing stuff like this like they do in those cooking show competitions.”

“Hell yeah, I love those shows! Don’t spare my feelings either, I want to know what you really think of them.” Rae added, laughing at the childlike excitement Finn was emanating at the mere mention of the cupcakes.

“In that case, Mae, I will be sure to be EXTRA hard on you…err…your cupcakes, I mean…uhhh…I’m just gonna go now!” Finn hurried away, avoiding eye contact with Rae as he walked out the door in the direction of the break room.

Well…that certainly was an interesting choice of words, Finnley…

When Finn returned fifteen minutes later and sat back down in his seat, Rae was already turned in her desk chair facing Finn with her arm propped up beside his computer screen and her chin resting on her hand.

“So Finnley…what did you think?” She asked, biting her lower lip slightly as she braced herself for his feedback.

“Well Mae,” he began placing emphasis on his nickname for her that he knew got on her nerves, “I thought it was pretty fucking fantastic!  I noticed that the cupcake itself was hardly sweet at all, it was mostly just the filling and frosting on top that added sweetness.”

“Thanks, Finn. I’ve always hated things that are too sweet so I always try to focus the sweetness on certain aspects of what I’m making. That way there is just a touch of sweetness and it isn’t overwhelmingly sweet…Was there anything else you would have wanted different about them?”

“Well, don’t get me wrong Rae, I really liked the cupcake,” he prefaced, trying to soften the blow of his critique to follow, “but I really would have like there to be more filling on the inside.”

“Oh, and why is that Finn? Was it not sweet enough for you as it was?” Rae asked quirking her eyebrow in anticipation for his answer.

“It was plenty sweet, but knowing that there was a filling in it, I was kind of hoping to get it all over my mouth and face while I was eating it…I like it a little dirty, you know?” Finn smirked and gave her a quick wink when he noticed Rae’s eyes widen at the double entendre in his statement.

Are you shitting me right now? Finn Nelson, you will be the death of me, I just know it...

@eveerez @tinakegg @hey1tskat1e @bitchesbecrazy89 @kneekeyta @milllott @protectfinnnelson @arathewallflower​ @jackiewalsh2013​ @pink-royaute

[otabekismybff]

The Matchmaker’s Theme (Leojichu)

Pairings: Leo de la Iglesia/Guang Hong Ji/Phichit Chulanont (poly) Rating: T Words: 3504 Summary: Phichit has never touched a dating site, but now he's getting desperate since all his friends have coupled up. He's eager for a relationship of his own. Two different boys on the dating site capture his attention. Will this online messaging lead to love...? Prompt: @deadeyellentigh (posted at end of fic)

READ ON AO3

Couples spring up all around Phichit. Yuuri and Viktor. Chris and his choreographer. Otabek and Yuri. And most recently, Leo and Guang Hong. He's happy for everyone, of course, but Phichit can't help but feel left out.

Always, always the third wheel. Always, always the matchmaker. Never, ever the matched. He's like Emma from that Jane Austen novel. So when will his Mr. Knightley, his friend-turned-lover, appear? Why are all of his friends already matched up?

...

Phichit has never touched a dating site, but now he's getting desperate. Maybe a few dates will cheer him up. He takes his time filling out his profile, writing out an extensive list of hobbies and favorites, and posts one of his favorite selfies from Barcelona.

Then he turns off his computer, turns off his phone, and goes to the rink. As he skates, he tries not to think about what he's just done. Tries not to worry about an inbox full of creeps. Or worse, an empty inbox.

...

Hours later, he returns home and cooks himself a full meal. Time passes. He watches TV. He showers. He feeds his hamsters. Finally, when it's close to midnight, he pulls out his computer and checks the dating site.

Ten new messages. Not bad.

Eight are nudes. Delete.

The last two catch his attention. Their profile pictures are fuzzy, but their messages seem to be only words. That's promising.

He clicks on the first message. The name line reads Levittome, 19.

Hi, phichu! Is that your name? If so, I think it's super cute. Your profile is so detailed! It feels as if I know you already lol. We have a lot in common. If you click on my profile, you can see that we like a lot of the same movies and shows. But really, what drew me to your profile was your honesty. I see so many fakers on here, so it's good to see someone real, you know? If we could chat and get to know each other, that would make me very happy. Hope to hear from you soon! -levittome

Phichit smiles and tries not to squeal. Honesty. It's something he values too. This “Levittome” person might be interesting. He clicks on the profile to compare favorites. Levittome wasn't kidding. They have so much in common that Phichit half-wonders if he copied his profile. Thankfully the site shows the date the page was last updated. Weeks ago. It's legit. Hurriedly he types up his reply.

Hi, Levittome! I'm guessing that's not your name. Lol. My name is actually Phichit, but Phichu is a nickname some friends call me. Wow, we really do have a lot in common! I know exactly what you mean about someone real. That's what I'm looking for too. I hate to ask this, but are you a boy or a girl (or something else)? I can't tell from your profile pic. Thanks. -phichu

“Auuugh, I'm such an idiot!” Phichut buries his head in his pillow, then peeks up at the screen. The cursor blinks at him. No reply comes. After a few minutes, he sighs and opens up the next message. This one is from Bearycute, 18.

hey hey! today i got gelato from the supermarket. when i ate it, i got brainfreeze uwwaa. but it was super tasty. do you like gelato? i'm asking bc on your profile you said you've been to italy. what's it like? are there really statues everywhere? i've been begging my bf to take me there, but we haven't had a chance yet. it would be nice to have a tour guide lol. anyways, i hope you'll reply to me. i'd love to chat with you. goodbye~ -bearycute

Phichit blinks at the message, a bit stunned. He likes that Bearycute just jumped into the conversation part, and he wants to reply that he really loves gelato, but he's a bit confused by the i've been begging my bf to take me there line. Bf usually means boyfriend, right? Or could it mean best friend? Phichit feels stupid as he types his reply, but he sends it anyway.

Hi, Bearycute! I absolutely love gelato. Mango is my favorite flavor. What about yours? Italy is a very interesting and fun place. In Rome, there are statues all over. It's like an outdoor museum! When you say 'bf,' do you mean boyfriend or best friend? I'm a little confused about whether you are interested in dating me or just being friends. Sorry if that's a strange thing to ask. I'm still new to this dating site stuff. Thanks. -phichu

He goes back to his inbox and is surprised to see a reply from Levittome.

I'm a boy. You're a boy too, right? If you're not, it's still okay, but I definitely have a preference for boys. -levittome

I'm a boy too. No worries. I prefer boys too. Lol. Most of my friends are gay or bi. -phichu

Oh really? How come you aren't dating any of them? -levittome

They're all taken. I'm the only one still single. Kinda lonely tbh. -phichu

Oh no! I don't want you to be lonely. Maybe if we talk more, we might turn out to be compatible? I suck with dating sites btw. You're the first person I've messaged on here. -levittome

You're kidding. Has anyone messaged you? -phichu

A few, but I'm most interested in you. -levittome

Phichit puts a hand to his chest. His heartbeat is thundering. He's only talked to this Levittome guy for half an hour and already his body is responding. Thankfully a new message from Bearycute saves him from having to answer right away.

strawberry is my fave! ahhhhh, i wanna go to rome now. that would be so much fun. we could take pictures everywhere. of everything. and eat all the delicious foods. you'll show me the best places, right? lol i mean my boyfriend. i'm gay. don't worry! that's fine to ask. i am def interested in dating you. you're super cute and seem like a fun guy~ -bearycute

What...? Phichit rereads the message to make sure he read it right. Bearycute is a guy who has a boyfriend and wants a new boyfriend??

Sorry. I'm still confused here. You want a new boyfriend? Are things not going well with the current one? I think he'd be pretty mad if he found out you were looking for somebody else. Cheating isn't a good idea. I speak from experience. My boyfriend in college cheated on me with a girl. -phichu

The reply comes minutes later.

yep i want a new bf, but don't worry! things are going great with the current one. i think you'd like him. you both have a lot in common. i let him look at your profile, and he said you were super cute. we're looking for a third person to form a triad. we're polyamorous, so we'd love to both date you. -bearycute

Phichit doesn't know what to say. This is getting weird. He opens up Google and spends the next hour researching polyamory. It's an interesting concept, sure, but he'd definitely get jealous since Bearycute is already close to his bf. That would give him a huge advantage, and Phichit would just end up feeling like a third wheel again. No, he can't do this. He needs to stop talking to Bearycute and just focus on Levittome.

Levittome, is there a name I can call you? It doesn't have to be your real name, if that makes you uncomfortable. Just I'd like to associate a name with you instead of just a username. -phichu

You can call me Lev. It's pronounced like the word “leave.” My username is a pun actually lol. -levittome

Hi, Lev! I like that name. Where are you from? -phichu

I travel a lot, and I've lived many different places. Right now I'm staying in Bangkok. What about you? -levittome

No way! I'm in Bangkok too. That's a crazy coincidence. Wait, do you follow me on Twitter? Is that how you found my dating profile?? -phichu

Lol busted. I've been curious about you for a while. You post the most interesting things. I thought you weren't interested in dating, so I never reached out to you. Then I saw your post and just had to give it a try. Ah, does that make me a loser? -levittome

No, no! You're not a loser. It's okay. Honestly that makes me feel relieved. It would have been too crazy a coincidence otherwise. Have I seen you around town? -phichu

No, I'd definitely remember if I saw you here lol. It's such a big city anyways. -levittome

Halfway through typing his reply, Phichit notices another message in his inbox. It's from Bearycute. Hesitantly, he clicks on it.

i'm so sorry! did i make you uncomfortable? i'm not in it just for a threesome, i promise. i'm really poly. your profile said you value romance more than sex and that's how i am too. please consider talking to me some more. i'm not a bad person, though i guess i get anxious sometimes. if you don't want to talk anymore, just tell me, okay? i don't like when people never reply. it makes me feel bad about myself. Dfhaskghasa i'm sorry i'm so awkward... -bearycute

Now Phichit feels bad for ignoring him. It isn't like Bearycute said anything mean. He should just calmly tell him that he's not interested in a “triad,” as he calls it, and move on. But maybe he won't tell him right away... That would be too abrupt and rude, right?

No, no. Don't feel bad! It's my fault for taking so long to reply. I got distracted talking to a friend. You didn't make me uncomfortable. We can keep talking. Cheer up, okay? You seem like a fun person, and I'd love to hear more about you. -phichu

Phichit bangs his head on the keyboard. What is he doing? He's not interested, so why does he care so much about how Bearycute feels? He's probably used to getting ignored. Phichit feels bad for him, honestly. This boy is earnestly trying to find a boyfriend, and even taking the care to make sure his current boyfriend likes the new one. He's not being selfish or pushy. It's kind of endearing actually.

The hours pass. Phichit exchanges messages with both Lev and Beary until he's too tired to type. He falls asleep with his laptop still on his lap. In his dreams, Lev is a handsome Russian model visiting Bangkok for a photoshoot and Beary is a cosplayer dressed as a bear and his boyfriend is dressed as a rabbit.

When Phichit wakes up, he's confused about whether he dreamed up the conversations from last night or not. He opens his computer and sees the messages still there. Relief washes over him. They're real. And he's got two new messages.

The one from Beary is from the previous night.

i'm guessing that you fell asleep lol. hope you have sweet dreams! i've really enjoyed talking to you. let's talk again tomorrow! i wake up late so i'll message you when i'm up. -bearycute

Good morning! It's Lev again. I fell asleep on you last night. So sorry. It's because I'm so not used to staying up late. Did you sleep well? -levittome

Since Beary said not to reply yet, Phichit replies to Lev's message.

I slept great. Feel well rested. But I fell asleep with my laptop on me. Lol. I have practice this afternoon, so I can't talk for long. -phichu

Practice? Ice skating? -levittome

Yep. It's a closed session though. Do you skate? -phichu

Yeah, but I'm not nearly as good as you. Do you have a theme for next season? -levittome

Not yet. Still working on the choreography for my short program. And **fingers crossed** trying to land a quad Salchow. -phichu

Oooooh, good luck! I bet you can do it. Have faith~ -levittome

…

Phichit does not land his quad Salchow. He falls on his ass more times than he can count, but he still stays cheerful. Celestino keeps trying to comfort him, but Phichit assures him he's okay. Honestly, he's just anxious for practice to be over so he can message Lev again.

...

When Phichit finally gets to his computer, a message from Beary awaits him.

good morn—or afternoon now i guess. i just woke up lol. did you have a good day so far? or are you sleeping in like me? reply when you can! -bearycute

Hey, Beary! I've been having a good day. Sorry about falling asleep on you last night! I'm a total morning person. It drove my old roommate nuts. On days off, he'd sleep through most the day so I had to try to be quiet, but I'm not a very quiet person so it was difficult. I woke him up several times accidentally.  -phichu

my bf is the same way lol. he's a morning person, so when he stays over, he ends up waking me up in the morning. i get really groggy and tell him to become a mute. oh and i make him wear slippers in the morning cz his footsteps are loud. -bearycute

...

Phichit becomes addicted to his computer for the next week. Anytime he can get on, he messages Lev or Beary. He's not even sure who he enjoys talking to more. They're both interesting in different ways. He no longer feels the sting of jealousy when Beary mentions his boyfriend. His brain has gotten used to the idea that he has one, and he feels as if he knows him too, just from what Beary's said about him. He's almost okay with it...or so he thinks...

me and my bf want to meet you! well, not meet-meet, but video chat with you. would you be okay with that? it would be like a skype date, just the three of us. -bearycute

The invitation surprises Phichit. Beary's never even sent him a picture, and now he wants to video chat? With his boyfriend too. Phichit's stomach churns. He's not sure how to feel about this. Curiosity makes him want to say yes, but he's so worried he'll freak out once he sees them being intimate. Better not to accept, right? But Phichit doesn't want to seem rude...

I'm sorry. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Let's talk more first, okay? -phichu

The reply doesn't come until an hour later.

no problem. we can talk more. it's only been a week after all, right? i'm sorry if i moved too fast. -bearycute

The absence of exclamation points worries Phichit. Beary is clearly disappointed. Phichit almost changes his mind, but a message from Lev pops up.

I apologize for being the most tactless boy in the world, but I really want to meet you. It's killing me knowing you're so close and not being able to see you. Would you like to go on a date this weekend? -levittome

Phichit doesn't even need to think about it.

Yes! Do you have a place in mind? -phichu

…

A few days later Phichit is freaking out about what to wear on this date. They're going to meet at a seafood restaurant near the movie theater. Lev didn't say anything about a movie, but Phichit is hoping they can watch one after they eat. It's been forever since he's seen anything in the theaters.

He decides on a dark-green collared shirt and black trousers. Somewhere between casual and fancy. He can always roll up the sleeves if it's too fancy.

When he reaches the restaurant, he walks up to the host stand, feeling more nervous than he's ever felt before a skating competition.

“Table for one?” the host asks.

“I'm meeting someone,” Phichit says. “It should be under the name Lev.”

The host smiles and nods. “Right this way, sir.”

He leads him through the restaurant all the way to the private room at the back. The host gestures to the door and leaves Phichit to stand there awkwardly. He's surprised that Lev is going all-out on their first date. All of this. Just for him. He takes a deep breath and opens the door.

Colorful streamers decorate the room and cutouts of animated hamsters are taped to the walls. Phichit walks inside and sees a long table decorated with rose petals. He reaches for the chair nearest him when suddenly a pair of hands cover his eyes.

“Guess who,” a seductive voice whispers in his ear.

Phichit chuckles. It's just the silly thing he would do. “Lev?”

Lev spins him around and kisses him on the lips. Phichit's too close to get a good look at him, but he can see thick, long lashes, tan skin, and thick eyebrows. Handsome from what he can tell. He puts his arms around Lev and kisses him back. Then he feels a kiss on the back of his neck.

Phichit jumps a mile in the air and pulls away from the two. Leo and Guang Hong. What the hell is going on? he wants to scream.

“Sorry, we didn't mean to ambush you.” Guang Hong looks sincerely upset. “We just wanted to surprise you. I'm so sorry. I planned all this.” He gestures to the decorations and the rose petal-strewn table.

Leo rubs his thumb across Guang Hong's cheek. “Don't take all the blame, babe. This whole scheme was my idea in the first place.”

“Can one of you please explain what's going on?” Phichit says, trying to keep his voice steady.

“I'm Lev,” Leo says. “From the dating site.”

“And I'm Beary,” Guang Hong says.

Then it clicks. The boyfriend Beary was referring to was Leo. But this is too much for Phichit to comprehend. Was everything a joke? Or...?

“Why would you two flirt with me on a dating site? Were you making fun of me?” Phichit demands. He can't even hide the hurt in his voice.

“No, of course not.” Leo takes a step towards him, then stops when Phichit flinches. He rubs the back of his head, his cheeks going red. “We saw your post on Twitter about wanting to try online dating. Before that, we always thought you weren't interested in dating anyone. I mean, we flirted with you all the time, but you never responded.”

“We honestly like you,” Guang Hong says. “And we never lied about anything. Please don't get angry at us.”

“I...you...the reason I never said anything about dating is because you guys were dating. You never told me you were poly or whatever, so I didn't want to interfere. But I...” Phichit pauses as his thoughts trace over the last few years. “I've liked you, Leo, since I first met you at Four Continents. And then when Guang Hong came along, I liked you too. But you guys hit it off right away when I introduced you, so...”

Leo and Guang Hong exchange knowing smiles.

“So,” Leo says, “what you're saying is that you like both of us and you wouldn't mind forming a triad with us?”

“I...” Phichit thinks back to his earlier worries. His main reason for rejecting the triad was because he was worried Beary would give more attention to his boyfriend since he knew him better. But with Leo and Guang Hong, he knows them both equally as well. He likes both of them, as friends and romantically. And they like him. So what's the problem? “Yes.”

“Huh?” Guang Hong tilts his head.

Phichit beams and bounds over to them. “Yes, I want to be with you guys.” He kisses Guang Hong this time, and Leo wraps his arms around him from behind, then kisses the top of his ear.

“Wait, wait!” Guang Hong says, his voice chipper. He rushes into the corner and comes back with three hats. He places one on each of their heads. Hamster hats.

Phichit's heart practically melts. “You guys know me so well.” Happiness bubbles through him, and all he can do is embrace his two new boyfriends. Finally, his friend-turned-lover match. Only it's two friends instead of one. (Somehow he one-upped Emma. Take that, Jane Austen.)

...

Afterwards, Guang Hong turns on a stereo and they dance in a circle, hands linked. Laughing and smiling and taking pictures of each other. Once they're worn out from that, they sit down to eat and take turns feeding each other. Then to make the evening even more perfect, they head to the movies and sit in the dark theater. Phichit sits between the two, and by the end of the movie, the boys are resting their heads on his shoulders and he's holding their hands tightly. Phichit kisses Leo's head, then kisses Guang Hong's.

Guang Hong stirs and smiles at Phichit sleepily. “What's on your mind?”

Phichit squeezes Guang Hong's hand. “We should have gotten together a long time ago.” ... NOTES: Based on the prompt by @deadeyellentigh: "Leoji adorably begging Phichit to make a triad of suffocating cuteness, complete with an elaborate welcome party involving hamster hats, would be adorable." - It got longer and more dramatic than planned, but hopefully the cuteness still came across! And I made sure to include the hamster hats. XD

[well-hidden-hot-mess]

an update and more rambles (what else is new?)

Well things have changed a lot since my last post. Good and bad things. Just lots of things. This is going to be a long one so buckle up. You’ve been warned.

I (FINALLY!!!) moved to my dream city that I’ve been dreaming of for the last 10 years and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I truly feel at home in a way I’ve never felt before and it’s so freeing. That’s something I need to remind myself when I feel like I’m drowning in stress and just life - just stop, take a second and remember that you did something that so many people never have the balls to do (aka pick up their entire lives and move across the country from everything they’ve ever known and everyone they care about and everything that was “safe” to them to embark on a whole new life in a brand new place where they know no one) and not just to any place, but to the place that you instantly knew was your home the second you landed over 10 years ago and decided to do what you knew deep down would be the best decision you’ve ever made in your life and guess what. It was the best decision you’ve ever made and it worked out despite all of the days spent worrying about “what if I hate it there? what if I fail and have to come back home with my tail between my legs and admit that I was wrong? what if my happy place isn’t all that I expected it to be and I realize I made a huge mistake?” and do I regret a single thing about taking that chance? Not even the slightest bit. Yes I do miss having my family so close (especially my puppy since he doesn’t understand how to FaceTime) and I miss that sense of security of having my safety net/support group so close by but I’m starting to finally feel like I’m growing roots here and it’s honestly just such a good feeling. Fuck why am I crying? lol. I love my home here and I’m so proud of myself for putting myself before all the stupid worry/doubt my brain kept pushing at me and saying fuck it I’m doing this. It’s the best decision I’ve ever made and that wouldn’t have been possible without me standing up against those inner demons or whatever and it feels great to finally have won/have some sort of victory over them so next time they’re taking over again, I can be like yo remember what happened last time you fought back harder than you ever had? Look what happened, you changed your life and got out of the dead end miserable existence you had and created a life that makes you truly happy in a place that makes you feel more alive than you ever thought possible. You did that. No one else did it for you. Yes you had help along the way but you did it. If I can do something that I’ve truly felt like I've been called to do for over a decade despite all of the scariness/risks/etc and put myself out there and put my happiness first over those stupid inner demons, I can honestly do anything. Well that turned into way more of a rant than intended but that’s what I do here lol.

Originally before I left, wifey had told me she had free tickets to go see Luke Bryan/Cole Swindell at Jones Beach and since I wasn’t sure when I was moving I was like oh 100% I’ll go. Then we figured out my move date was 4th of July (Independence Day - so fitting lol) and the concert was July 17th. Wifey was saying how sad she was that I wasn’t going to be able to go since I’ll have moved already and it’s our yearly tradition to see him now. I looked at her surprised and was like “umm she’s been my best friend for almost 15 years and acts like she’s never met me before...?”. So needless to say, 2 weeks after I moved, I flew back home to CT to go to the show with her, Jenny, Kristin, and Sam and holy. shit. It was my first concert at Jones Beach so that was cool. We picked up Kristin in NYC on the way there and had the best time blasting music and singing and pregaming on the way there. We got to go to a meet and greet and listening party for Cole Swindell. He was super sweet and we got to hear 2 of his songs that weren’t released yet/wouldn’t be released. It was so I don’t even know the word to describe how cool it was and how like full my soul felt to see him listening to the songs along with us and you could just feel the passion radiating out of him while the songs were playing and I just felt like the grinch where my heart grew three sizes in that moment. It was so refreshing to see that that passion and pureness does still exist in this crazy world and it was just a moment I’ll never forget. Then we went to the concert where we were originally like halfway up the stadium and when wifey sent a thank you text to who got us the tickets with a picture from the seats, they were like umm no that’s not good enough and were told to go meet some guy from security. So we go over and as we’re waiting, I turn around and in the most like hidden seats I see Theresa aka the Long Island Medium and her daughter just sitting there like NBD. So I freak out about that obviously and have to tell my mom but the selfie attempts failed so I was sad. But then we were lead into the pit and I was 3 people away (security included) away from Luke the entire show. I don’t think I blinked the entire time. I felt kinda bad because wifey was like “oh come over here there’s more room” and I was like “I love you but this is the only chance I might ever have to be this close to the love of my life/obsession so I’m going to stay here if that’s okay” and she immediately understood and was like “yep, say no more” and we were close enough where if something happened I could turn and make eye contact with them so it was okay. It was honestly the best night of my entire life so far and did I mention that he made direct eye contact with/sang to me for a few seconds during Play It Again? Because he did and I’m pretty sure I felt my soul leave my body at that moment. That night was easily in the top 10 greatest moments I’ll ever have in my life and I regret not a single thing. The hassle of having to pack up and fly home in the midst of not even being close to done unpacking was beyond worth it and I’d do it all over again a million times. 

Okay let’s see what else. So I got offered a job at the first interview I went to which was a nice little ego/confidence boost as the assistant manager of a spa (ironic I know since the last spa managers I’ve known have been nice but the bane of my existence most of the time lol) in a town like 20 mins outside of the city. I had to be incognito about being the new manager for the first 3 months as like a trial period to make sure it was a good fit before we announced it to everyone. I wish I could say it’s been all sunshine and rainbows since then but seeing how this is the first new job I’ve had in 6 years, the beginning was a bit rough. I’m used to being the veteran that knows everything and is the go to person but now I was the newbie who felt like they didn’t know anything (because I didn’t lol) and felt kinda useless at the beginning during training because I was so eager to jump in and help and show my true work ethic and all that but it’s hard to do when you have zero idea what you’re talking about. Then they kinda dumped on me that in a few months they wanted me to be ready to move up to full on spa manager and I panicked hard. Then the manager left for a week and a half on vacation where she wasn’t reachable if I needed help and let’s just say it was just short of a disaster. I also contracted a respiratory infection during that time and had literally zero voice above a faint whisper even if I tried yelling and it was so painful to breathe/exist let alone run a spa when I feel like I was not prepared at all for that. Then when she came back we had a talk and I was told that I had disappointed the owners since they thought I should’ve handled things better despite being sick and that I'm not further along into being ready for that role. That fucking hurt because I was killing myself just to get there each day and survive and I was trying to be positive and get things done when inside and outside I was clearly dying. Then after some reflection, I sat down with her again and we had a very productive talk. I explained that I didn’t ask many questions before she left because I didn’t know what I didn’t know until I was left alone with no one to go to for help and it was all on me. I also explained how before this job, my highest role was equivalent to a lead SA there and this was all brand new to me. I wasn’t the one making the big decisions with clients or dealign with managing the entire staff instead of like 10 people but mainly like 5 who were more than just coverage people if needed or doing inventory or reports or calling the shots on when to waive final payments or the 24 hour cancellation fee or any of that. I think once she kinda understood where I was coming from and that was laid out in front of her, she realized I needed to actually be trained not just tell me how to do things when problems arise and since it had been so crazy busy with gift card season and the holidays and vacations and training the influx of new SAs, we didn’t do any specific manager training other than when problems came up in the moment. So things became a lot different and we’re putting aside time to really train and get me prepared for my current role and the future role too. During all of this, my depression took full control of me for a month or two and really took a nose dive after the week I was left alone (I’ll go into more of that later on) and it really affected my work. I was constantly 20 or more minutes late despite numerous talking to’s, I wasn’t fully present despite how hard I was trying to be, my sales went out the window, my team lost respect for me (I don’t blame them for that at all since I was so in my own little bubble and focused on just surviving another day that I wasn’t up to my full potential and not able to support them in the way I should’ve/want to be), I stopped working out and was binge eating the worst foods constantly and gained about 40lbs in a few short months (sound familiar?). Then a couple weeks ago, I got written up for being late and if it continued, I would be demoted to SA and then eventually fired and that was exactly the kick in the ass I needed to get my ass back in gear and lift myself out of that depression slump. I’ve been at least 5 minutes early for every shift since then and have been actively making sure I’m there for my team and learning how to be a better manager to help support them and the business as a whole. I feel so much more in control of my life and it feels fucking great. I don’t dread going to work each day anymore and don’t have to fight to get out of bed each day to get there and don't feel so hopeless like I'll never be good enough for them no matter how hard I try (aka how I felt after that week of being alone). I had my latest one on one yesterday and my boss kept saying how much improvement she’s seen in me and feels so much more confident in me as that potential future spa manager now that she’s seen how hard I've been working to do my best. Like I wasn’t holding back tears but I was one tiny step before that because I was so happy that my hard work is being recognized and is paying off. I truly do want to do my best there and she sees that and appreciates it and that’s just not something I’m used to so it’s like “oh this is what being in a non toxic work environment is like... this is what it’s like being appreciated and supported by management.... huh...”. So that’s pretty cool. And I even got a fleece zip up with the company logo on it as a reward kinda which just added to it lol. I’ve been there 6 months and got a really nice fleece zip up when after 6 YEARS at EQX all I got was a stupid hat lol. I don’t know if being with this company is a lifelong thing but it’s working for me now and I think it’s exactly where I should be, even just to learn how to be a manager and learn those skills to take with me elsewhere in the future so that’s pretty cool too. It can be stressful at times don’t get me wrong and I may have many homicidal thoughts that I would obviously never act on towards some of my coworkers at times when they drive me absolutely insane but I do enjoy being there and being part of that family/having that support. 

Now fitness/health wise. Where to start. So yeah the last few months has been spent binge eating my face off and honestly I think it started as a nice break from worrying about calories or the scale or the gym especially since my body was failing me and I felt terrible all the time and couldn’t push myself at all or I’d get one of my vertigo like migraines or overheat or just not have the physical ability to do anything so removing myself from that environment of always building frustration was probably a good thing. Well at least that’s how it started. Then the holidays hit, then work became crazy and my depression consumed me and I felt like shit to begin with so I had zero motivation to even try to meal prep or eat anything that wasn’t ordered off ubereats that was at least 5-10k calories each sitting. Plus my insomnia was the worst it’s been in years where I would stay up until 3 or 4 am each night watching Criminal Minds or Silent Witness or Dexter and wonder why I couldn’t function at all during work. So yeah, that’s how I got up to my most recent highest weight of 196lbs and seeing that number SUCKED. Was I surprised? Nope. Was I a little surprised it wasn’t higher than that? Yup lol. It wasn’t such huge blow because I knew how I had been eating/living so it’s like yeah that makes sense but still hurts none the less. So about 2 weeks ago I decided it was time (also right after when I got written up and kicked my ass back into gear in my life in general) and started just by using Norm to count my calories. My weight was all over the place and would spike from 194lbs down to 189lbs overnight, then back up to 192lbs and I was like wtf. I knew it was probably water weight fluctuations and all of that but like come on, it’s not even going in a downward trend at this point. Then a couple days in, I started working out again. That was rough. My first workout back I did 3 leg exercises with what was normally my warmup weight (10lb dumbbells) and I couldn’t move for a day and a half (thankfully I was off those 2 days) and then was still excruciatingly sore for another 3 days after that. So then once I could kinda move my legs without wanting to die, I did arm day and It wasn’t nearly as bad. My strength is absolute shit but that’s to be expected when the most movement you’ve had is walking across the hall pretty much to the elevator and the few steps out the door to meet your ubereats driver then going back upstairs to be horizontal again. But this week I’ve been getting up each morning (even on my days off or later work days) at 5am and staying awake while I wait the 1.5 hours for my Vyvanse to kick in and watching youtube videos to gently wake up/stay awake, then I’ll have my green supplement drink thing and take my vitamins and prep my work meals/snacks for the day and get ready, then head down to the gym by like 8am, work out for up to an hour depending on time/energy levels, then shower and get ready and leave at 9am to get to work by 9:30am and sit in the parking lot and do my makeup instead of how I used to spend my mornings aka wake up late, take Vyvanse too late, suffer through barely being able to function while getting ready and not making meals and having to buy food that was never healthy then end up rushing there and panicking while trying to put makeup on while doing 90mph on the highway and having the shame of arriving like 30 minutes late AGAIN and having to face my boss/coworkers. Much better start to the day I must say lol. I’m feeling a lot more like me again too which is a nice change from being a shell of a human fighting just to survive another hour let alone another day. So I’ve been on point with my food for the last like almost 2 weeks and my weight is still all over the place and I'm like what the actual fuck. Then I’m like super drained and have no strength, overheat from just picking up a weight, am exhausted to the point where one day after a harder but not actually hard workout I literally HAD to lay down because I was so drained at like 2pm and couldn’t physically move the rest of the day, one day I was so bloated it was beyond painful and I had no idea why since I ate the same things I have been and never had any reaction to and it was so much worse than when I ate 10k calories of all the gluten and dairy in the form of sonic shakes/mcdonalds meals/etc, and I'm just like what the actual fuck is going on body??? Then out of nowhere I'm like wait... are those... no it couldn’t be.... CRAMPS???? then out of nowhere it began and I'm like woah woah woah I get stabbed in the stomach once every 3 months so this doesn’t happen wtf is going on? Then I'm like oh I did wait a month too long in between the last rounds so that's probably it. So that’s a thing and it’s fucking rude since now I need to go get supplies since I threw all mine out since I thought I didn't have to deal with this anymore. ugh. Oh and get this. I finally got my lab results back from my blood test at the lyme doctor. Turns out I have another new co infection of lyme that I now have to deal with and treat. Super excited for that. NOT. I was texting my person and I was like “guess who has a new co infection for her lyme that’s already tried to kill her and then ruin her life many times?” and he goes “oh of course you do because why would you ever be allowed to get better?” and I'm like oh I'm so glad someone understands me lol because that was my reaction when I found out. I’m like oh of course I do, why wouldn’t I? *insert eye roll but laughing to cover how I'm really feeling about it*. So yeah now I have to figure all of that out so that should be fun. At least now I have health insurance lol. 

Okay last thing because I need to start my day since it’s already almost 9am and I'm still in bed. I went home for a week before Christmas since I wasn’t able to go home for actual Christmas and got to visit with family/friends. Everyone kept saying how much happier I seem and they could just feel how much happier I was since I moved and I'm like yup that is 100% correct. I got to spend time with dad’s side of the fam which was a lot of fun and reconnected with my sister for a much needed vent session on her part since it’s hard being 16 when you act like you’re 20 maturity wise and everyone else acts like they’re 16 and it’s countless amounts of drama and boys suck and girls suck and everyone sucks and college is looming and it’s a lot to deal with at once. So that was really nice to be able to sit down and be that big sister that she deserves and needs. I also went out to dinner with wifey and her family and re met her new man (since I was there for the brief moment when they first met then moved 2 days later lol) and had a blast. I really like him for her and think they're a great match and he’s gunna be around for a while if not forever and I’m a okay with that because he treats her like a queen and he is the male version of her to a scary point haha. Wifey was like attached to me the whole time I was there and it was so nice feeling so special and needed by her and the center of her attention for once. She wasn’t even drunk and was like almost crying when she realized that I flew home and made sure I was home for her birthday and how we’ve been friends for 15 years and never missed a birthday and god that meant so much to me I can’t even begin to put it into words. I was sad that was the only time I was going to be able to see her even though I made sure I kept Friday night open because it was her birthday weekend and this is her we’re talking about here but she didn’t seem to have any plans for it. Then her roomie pulled me aside and told me about a surprise party that her and the bf were planning for her so I was like ah that makes much more sense. So the day of I helped distract her via text and then went over and helped set up and brought booze because duh. The funny part was she was on the phone on speaker with the bf as I’m in the room with him helping him set up things and wasn’t allowed to make a sound so she wasn’t like wtf why are you two together???? That would not look good at all lol. Then she texted me saying how she and the roomie were going to go to his place to pregame then maybe out to a restaurant they love with a group of people so I'm like yes let’s do it. So I go over and give her her presents which were a big hit. A Friends show coffee table book that has a recap or whatever on every single episode (which was a big hit since it’s that show and it’s her but also because they went to a friends trivia night thing and she was saying how she wished she had something like that beforehand to brush up on things. That’s the wifey sixth sense kicking in haha), a cat calendar for her desk at work, fuzzy unicorn socks, and a couple other things since it was her birthday/Christmas present. She was like blown away at how in sync we were still despite not seeing each other for 6 months and life being crazy/not being able to talk as much. Then we finally go over to his place where we had set up the party room thing in his apartment building (same one an old friend lived in years ago where I pretty much lived so that was weird going back to to say the least) and she has NO idea at this point and I’m like this is amazing because normally she’d have figured it out weeks before now. As we’re walking into the party room to “meet up with him and his friends since they were having a drink over there” there's a glass two sided fireplace and she goes “wait... is that my sister??” and we’re like no, just keep going but she figured it out. She stops and goes wait, is this a surprise party....? And I'm like “just keep walking and smile” and we opened the curtains and it was indeed a surprise party. She was shocked and so happy and it made my heart melt to see her so happy. Then I was introduced to everyone as her “best friend/wife who moved to Nashville but flew back because in 15 years I’d never missed a birthday and not even all those miles between us would make me miss one” over and over again and it was so cute. It was like all of those years up putting up with some things that drove me insane that she did and all the times I was there for her but didn’t feel like I got that back from her was all worth it and she finally saw how good of a friend I really was to her all those years. Like she knew but I don't think she fully realized until that night and I just died in the best way that night. 

One last thing - so one of my big bucket list things is to see a Luke concert in Nashville. Has been for over 10 years since I found him and then visited here. Well for Christmas my stepfather normally gives me tickets to a show and wasn't sure which one I wanted so was like just let me know and we’ll make something happen. So flash forward to a week ago, Luke announced his next album and his next tour. Now the last like few years I've checked and it hasn’t said Nashville and same with a few other big country people I love (FGL, Cole, etc) so I wasn’t holding my breath. Then as I’m scanning the list, I see it. It’s there. July 30th. Nissan Stadium. So I spaz out and text my mother the link to where to get the tickets and which show and say THIS ONE. So I text wifey freaking out because of it happening at all but also that could be our yearly Luke show and I wouldn’t wanna experience that with anyone else. So she’s like yes omg but remind me when it gets to like June and I'll see what I can do to get us tickets or whatever and I'm like okay.... Then I'm like fuck it I'm going to at least get us 2 tickets just in case her connection doesn’t work out or something or she can’t come because of work or whatever. Like nothing crazy just something good enough so that if she gets us better ones, that’s great, if not, at least I'm guaranteed to be there and see him. Then I find out there's a pre sale for his fan club people so I join for $40 for the year because duh. Then the day of the pre sale I’m like texting my mom freaking because the tickets are going fast. The pit was sold out in under 10 minutes so she’s like okay I'll send you money and you go buy them . I’m like okay got it. So I'm looking and I'm like oh there’s a VIP package, what's that? (go big or go home right?). It includes a 2 song acoustic set before the concert with only other VIP people so a smallish group and then a free copy of his CD, a free t shirt or something, and I'm like I want that. How much is it? So the pit tickets I wasn’t able to get were like $250 each I think but these were like $335 so I'm like #yolo #treatyoself and bought those. Well where are my seats you ask? Oh I don't know just on the floor THREE ROWS FROM CENTER STAGE. Needless to say I was a wreck while purchasing the tickets until I got my confirmation and then spazzed out and felt like it was all a dream once I got them. It’s still not real. Like I think like it’s hit me 1% now and will go from 1 to 100% the moment I step into the arena. So now I have 6 months to get my body looking the best it can because I refuse to go into a bucket list thing in a body i’m not proud of and worrying about how I'll look in the pictures since they’ll be around forever and I just want to go enjoy and not worry about feeling fat or whatever in any way shape or form. Plus I'm doing all the hair growth treatments from now until then to make my hair long again before then because it’s so much more me and I feel so much better with long hair. I refuse to let a single physical thing about me take away from the experience and yes I know that's an issue I need to work out with my brain but I don't have time for that before the concert. Plus this was exactly the kick in the ass/ goal I needed to get back on track and start taking care of myself again so hey I'm not mad. It doesn’t matter what the motivation as long as it works right? So yeah I'm counting down the seconds until that day and I refuse to let my food cravings get in the way of me feeling my best that day or anything else for that matter and I'm going to have another night I'll never forget. GOD I”M SO EXCITED I CAN”T EVEN. 

Okay that’s it. I’m done and need to start my day. There’s more that I may or may not get to at some point soon but yeah. that's been my life the last few months. Still not sure on what my path in life is and still not fully settled here but it’s getting there and I know I’m on my way to fully building a life here that I love and makes me feel alive and like my true self and I can’t fucking wait.