#never seen anyone who looks bad in blue jeans but I see Joe wearing them

[thatsprettylane]

Who decided to put Joe in blue jeans in the final season of Bonanza??

[thimbil]

Having some thoughts about the references and inspirations used for the Bad Batch’s designs.

So Boba Fett is my absolute favorite character and Temeura Morrison was perfect casting. I went to see the 2008 TCW movie in theaters because I was so excited to see him again, even if he was animated. You can imagine my disappointment. Whoever was on screen was not Temeura Morrison. You could sort of see a resemblance if you squinted and didn’t think too hard about it. They replaced Temeura with Racially Ambiguous G.I. Joe. If I didn’t know better and someone told me the animated clones are space Italians from the moon of New Jersey I would buy it. One Million Brothers Pizzeria and Italian Bistro. Not that there’s something wrong with being space Italian, I just don’t think it’s the right choice for the Fetts. The design got slightly improved by season 7 but it still bugs the hell out of me.

I did eventually get into the show later and (of course) got invested in the clones. Unfortunately, they were largely sidelined by the Jedi storylines. Out of the two new main characters created for TCW, Ahsoka definitely got more development and focus than Rex. When they announced The Bad Batch, I was excited to see a show specifically devoted to the clones… at least that’s what it said on the tin. We have all seen what lurks beneath those stylish helmets.

Jango Fett, you are NOT the father.

So who is?

Based on interviews with Filoni, it sounds like the Bad Batch was a George Lucas idea. And like all his ideas, it’s super derivative. The original trilogy directly lifted elements from sci fi serials, westerns, and samurai movies, more specifically Kurosawa films like The Hidden Fortress. For The Bad Batch character designs, the influence is obviously American action and adventure movies.

Now let’s get specific. Bad Batch, who’s your daddy?

Hunter

Sylvester Stallone as Rambo in First Blood 1982. That bandana has become an integral part of the iconic action hero look. You see a character wearing one and it’s a visual shorthand for either “this character is a tough guy” like Billy played by Sonny Landham in Predator 1987, or “this character thinks he is/wants to be a tough guy” like Brand played by Josh Brolin in The Goonies 1985 or Edward Frog played by Corey Feldman in The Lost Boys 1987.

Hunter’s model is closest to the original clone base. If you look closely you will see the eyebrows are straighter with a much lower angle to the arch. His nose is also not the same shape as a standard clone like Rex, including a narrower bridge. It’s certainly not Temeura Morrison’s nose. Remember what I said about space Italians? It didn’t take much to push the existing clone design to resemble an specific Italian man instead of a specific Māori man. The 23&Me came back, and Hunter inherited more than the bandana from Sylvester.

Crosshair

The long narrow nose, the sharp cheekbones, the scowl. That’s no clone, that’s just animated Clint Eastwood. Not even Young and Hot Clint Eastwood from Rawhide 1959-1965. With that hair, I’m talking Gran Torino 2008. The man of few words schtick and family friendly toothpick in lieu of cigar are pure Eastwood as The Man With No Name from Sergio Leone’s spaghetti westerns A Fist Full of Dollars 1964, For a Few Dollars More 1965, and The Good the Bad and the Ugly 1966.

In a way, this is full circle because the actor Jeremy Bulloch took inspiration from Clint Eastwood for his performance as Boba Fett in ESB.

Wrecker

In an interview Filoni lists the Hulk as an (obvious) inspiration for Wrecker. Ever seen the old Hulk tv show from 1978? Well take a look at the actor who played him, Lou Ferrigno. Would you look at that. Even has his papa’s nose.

You could make the argument that Wrecker was influenced by The Rock, an appropriately buff ‘n bald Polynesian (Samoan, not Maori) man. But look at him next his Fast and Furious costar Vin Diesel and tell me which one resembles Wrecker’s character model more.

Tech

Tech is a little trickier for me to place. If he has a more direct inspiration it must be something I haven’t seen. That said, his hairline is very Bruce Willis as John McClane in Die Hard 1988. His quippiness and large glasses remind me of Shane Black as Hawkins from Predator 1987. In terms of his face, he looks a but like the result of McClane and Hawkins deciding to settle down and start a family. Although, Tech’s biggest contributors are probably just everyone on TV Trope’s list for Smart People Wear Glasses.

And finally,

Echo

Oh Echo. Considering he wasn’t created for the Bad Batch, he probably wasn’t based on a particular character or movie. But if I had to guess, his situation and appearance remind me a lot of Alex Murphy played by Peter Weller in Robocop 1987. However, Robocop explored the Man or Machine Identity Crisis with more nuance, depth, and dignity. Yikes.

The exact tropes and references used in The Bad Batch have been done successfully with characters who aren’t even human. Gizmo from Gremlins 2: The New Batch 1990 had a brief stint with the Rambo bandana. I could have picked any number of characters for Defining Feature Is Glasses but here is the most cursed version of Simon of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Suffer as I have. Marc Antony with his beloved Pussyfoot from Looney Tunes has the same tough guy with a soft center vibe as Wrecker and his Lula (also a kind of cat). Hell, in the same show we have Cad Bane sharing Cowboy Clint Eastwood with Crosshair. I actually think Bane makes a better Eastwood which is wild considering Crosshair has Eastwood’s entire face and Bane is blue.

So we’ve established you don’t need your characters to look exactly like their inspirations to match their vibe. So why go through the trouble and cost of creating completely new character designs instead of recycling and altering assets they already had on hand? Just slap on a bandana, toothpick, goggles, and make Wrecker bigger than the others while he does a Hulk pose and you’re done. Based on the general reaction to Howzer it would have been a low effort slam dunk crowd pleaser.

But they didn’t do that.

So here’s the thing. I like the tropes used in The Bad Batch. I am a fan of action adventure movies from the 80s-90s, the sillier the better. I am part of the Bad Batch’s target audience. Considering what I know about Disney and Lucasfilm, I went in with low expectations. I genuinely don’t hate the idea of seeing references to these actors and media in The Bad Batch. I don’t think basing these characters on tropes was a bad idea. If anything it’s a solid starting point for building the characters.

The trouble is nothing got built on the foundation. The plot is directionless, the pacing is wacky, and the characters have nearly no emotional depth or defining character arcs. They just sort of exist without reacting much while the story happens around them. But I can excuse all of that. You don’t stay a fan of Star Wars as long as I have not being able to cherrypick and fill in the gaps. This show has a deeper issue that shouldn’t be ignored.

Why do the animated clones bear at best only a passing resemblance to their live action actor? In interviews, Filoni wouldn’t shut up but the technological advancements in the animation for season 7. So if they are updating things, why not try to make the clones a closer match to their source material? Why did they have to look like completely different people in The Bad Batch to be “unique”? Looking like Temeura Morrison would have no bearing on their special abilities and TCW proved you can have identical looking characters and still have them be distinct. In fact, that’s a powerful theme and the source of tragedy for the clones’ narrative overall.

Here’s Filoni’s early concept art of Crosshair, Wrecker, Tech, and Hunter. (Interesting but irrelevant: Wrecker seems to have a cog tattoo similar to Jesse’s instead of a scar. Wouldn’t it have been funny if they kept that so when they met in season 7 one if them could say something like “Hey we’re twins!” That’s a little clone humor. Just for you guys 😘)

None of these drawings look like the clones in TCW, much less Temeura Morrison. Let’s be generous. Maybe Filoni struggles with drawing a real person’s likeness, as many people do. But he had to hand this off to other artists down the line whose job specifically involves making a stylized character resemble their actor. Yet the final designs missed the mark almost as much as this initial concept. Starting to seem as if the clones looking more like Temeura Morrison was never even on the table. It wasn’t a lack of creativity, skill or technical limitations on the part of the creative team. I don’t think there is an innocent explanation. They went out of their way to make the final product exactly how we got it.

This goes beyond homage. They could have made the same pop culture references and character tropes without completely stripping Temeura Morrison from the role he originated. It was a very purposeful choice to replace him with more immediately familiar actors from established franchises and films. It wouldn’t shock me if Filoni, Lucas, and anyone else calling the shots didn’t even think hard or care enough about the decision to immediately recognize a problem. And I don’t think they believed anyone else would either. At least no one whose opinion they cared about. Those faces are comfortingly familiar and proven bankable. They are what we’re all used to seeing after all. They’re white.

Lack of imagination, bad intentions, or simple ignorance doesn’t really matter in the end. The result is the same. Call it what it is. They replaced a man of color with a bunch of white guys. That’s by the book garden variety run of the mill whitewashing. There’s no debate worth having about it. For a fanbase that loves to nitpick things like whether or not it’s in character for Han to shoot first or Jeans Guy in the Mandalorian, we sure are quick to find excuses for clones who look nothing like their template. Why is that? If you don’t see the problem, congratulations. Your ass is showing. Pull your jeans up.

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Fifty-Two

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: Wee bit of angst.

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

The Friday before he was going to Florida, Christin came into Harry’s office to go over the small details.

“Okay, so you, Julia, and I are going to meet at the airport around-“

“I’m sorry, who?”

“Julia.”

“Why is she comin’?”

“I want her to see how these expeditions work. Dana’s going to join in on the next one. Why? Do you have a problem with her?”

“No…it’s just…I don’t know. It’s fine.”

When he got home to the barren apartment that night he slammed the door shut, making you jump slightly.

“Jesus.” You say to him.

“Sorry.”

“What’s wrong?”

“They’re sendin’ fuckin’ Julia with me.” He groans. “I don’t want to be alone with her all week.”

“Well, you won’t really be alone with her.”

“You don’t care that she’s gonna be around me?”

“What’s there to care about?” You shrug. “What’s wrong Harry, can’t handle a little girl?” You smirk. “You’ll be fine.”

//

Of course you got your period the weekend of the big move. You and Harry were still able to have a good romp before he left, but it wasn’t the same. Your brother and mom came to help you with everything. Thank god for his truck. Niall, Sarah, and Rachel helped as well. Everything went pretty smoothly.

//

Harry had the aisle seat on the plane, Julia had the middle, and Christin had the window. He hadn’t said much to Julia. She eventually fell asleep, and her head landed on his shoulder. He tried to nudge her off, but she wouldn’t budge. He sighed loudly and tried to fall asleep himself. When she woke up she couldn’t help but marvel at just how beautiful he was. She looked at the pearls around his neck and wanted to know what he might do with them when he wasn’t wearing them. She was hoping to find out at some point during the week.

Harry helped carry the luggage out to the cab Christin had set up for them. The second he was alone in his room he FaceTimed with you. Everyone was eating pizza and laughing.

“Hey babe! You in your hotel?”

“Yes, finally. How’d it all go?”

“Amazingly! Say hi to Harry!” You yell off to everyone. They all say hi, making him chuckle.

“Have a great week off.”

“Anything you want me not to touch?”

“Nah, do whatever you like. M’sure there’ll be plenty left for me when I get back. Save the heavy shit f’me.”

“Can do. The girls are gonna sleep over here with me tonight.”

“Oh good. Wish I could be there.”

“Soon enough. Enjoy the nice weather! Love you!”

“Love you too.”

He sighs and flops onto the bed. This was going to be a very long week. There’s a knock on his door. He looks through the peephole and sees Julia. Here we go. He thinks to himself.

“Yes?”

“Hi.” She squeaks. “Um, Christin and I were gonna go down to the pool for a bit and get some lunch. Would you like to come?” He looks down at her. She had flip flops and a cover up on.

“No. Thanks. You can just have Christin text me when it’s time for dinner. Know she wants to go over all the plans then.”

“Could I have your number?” Both of his eyebrows raise. “You know, just in case.”

“Gimme your phone.” She hands it to him and smirks when he see the picture of Joe Jonas as her lock screen. “My girlfriend loves this guy. Could ya unlock it?”

“Oh sure.” She presses her thumb to the button. He adds his contact information and hands it back to her.

“For emergencies only, alright?”

“Alright…so you’re not going to eat lunch?”

“I might come down in a bit. I’m certainly not goin’ swimming. S’not a vacation.”

“True, but Christin said we could have some fun before working hard all week.”

“How nice for her. That all?”

“Yeah.”

He closes the door, practically in her face, and goes over to his bag. About an hour later he goes down to the hotel restaurant. He puts his sunglasses on and goes outside with his salad that he had made to go. Christin was lounging under an umbrella, he goes over to her and sits down.

“How are you wearing all black?”

“S’not that warm yet.” He shrugs.

“I think it’s perfect weather.”

“Where’s Julia?” Christin points to the hot tub. Harry rolls his eyes. “Thought you weren’t hungry for lunch.”

“I wasn’t earlier, now I am.”

“Hi Harry!” Julia says walking by, dripping wet in a purple two piece. She quickly wraps a towel around herself.

“Hi.” He says without looking at her. She was an attractive girl, and if he was a different type of man he wouldn’t hesitate to take advantage of the situation. But he wasn’t like that…not anymore anyways.

“Wasn’t it your birthday over the weekend?”

“Yes.”

“How was it? How old are you?”

“It was good, I turned twenty-six.” He takes a bite of his salad. “My girlfriend threw me a huge surprise party.”

“She buy you the necklace too?” Christin asks. “Haven’t seen you wear pearls since you first started.”

“Yeah she did.” He smiles. “She’s the best. We’ll have been together six months on Friday.”

“Wow! Good for you, H.” She chuckles.

“How long you and Dan been together?”

“Little over ten years now. Never thought I was going to meet anyone worthwhile until he and I got together.” He nods.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to meet anyone.” Julia says.

“You have so much time, you have no idea. Just enjoy being young.” Christin says with a smile. “Harry, did you even bring a bathing suit with you?”

“I mean Y/N had me pack one, but I doubt I’ll be wearin’ it.” He finishes up his salad and stands up. “Text me when it’s time for dinner, I’m gonna hang in my room for a bit, decompress.” Julia watches him walk away.

“He’s been so private since I met him, it’s so nice to hear him talk about someone like that. He must really love that girl.”

“Yeah.” Julia puts her sunglasses on and rolls her eyes. “Must be nice.”

//

That night at dinner Christin goes over the plans for the week. She tells them what time they’ll need to be up and out, and headed to the site. They’d be going out to an island where a weed had been taking over and the natural plants of the landscape couldn’t grow anymore. Julia would be interviewing the volunteers that go out to get rid of the weed.

“I’m so excited!” Julia says stepping off the elevator with Harry. Of course their rooms were on the same floor.

“Make sure you pack a hat and some sunscreen for yourself. Oh, and water. We’re goin’ to be out for a long time.”

“Right, thanks.” She beams at him. “I’m excited to check out the butterfly garden at the manatee habitat Wednesday too.”

“Yeah, they’re nice people. This is a follow up piece, they started the project last year.” He stops at his door. “Well, this is me.”

“Goodnight, Harry.”

“Night.”

He calls you immediately.

“Is that Harry? Hiiiiii Harryyyyy.” He hears Sarah say through the phone.

“Gettin’ drunk in our place already?”

“Wouldn’t be a proper sleepover now would it? How was your day?”

“Long. I miss you already.”

“Awww. I miss you too baby.” He hears the girls make kissy noises through the phone. “Stop it you guys, be cool! Sorry.” You giggle.

“S’okay. Where are you all sleepin’?”

“We’re camping out in the living room. We all brought our sleeping bags.”

“Oh fun.”

“Mhm. You gonna be able to sleep?”

“Hopefully. I just wish I was there with you, I’m sorry.” He sighs.

“It’s okay. Only six more sleeps til your home.”

“Oh I like that. Six more sleeps.”

“Exactly. I’m gonna go now, I love you. Sweet dreams.”

“I love you too.”

//

The next morning, Harry puts on a white t-shirt, and lathers himself up with sun screen. He puts on a snapback and rests his sunglasses on the collar of his shirt. He packs the cameras and batteries he’ll need. He goes with a pair of light blue jeans and his boots. He meets Julia and Christin down for breakfast. Julia has to stop her jaw from dropping. The t-shirt looked snug against his muscles, and she could make out more of his tattoos. He looks at what Julia’s wearing.

“You might wanna wear pants. Don’t want your legs gettin’ scarped up do ya?” He puts his things down and goes up to the buffet.

“He’s right Julia. You can pack your shorts with you if you get too hot.”

“Okay.” She leaves to go change. Harry sits back down.

“How nice of you to act as her big brother.”

“Just helpin’ her with the tricks of the trade.” She comes back in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. “Much better. You’ll thank me later.”

The three head out to the site once they’re done with breakfast. They take a car out and meet a man at a dock. They have to take a small boat out to the island. Harry puts his sunglasses on. Julia can’t help but watch the curls from under his hat blow in the wind.

Christin and Julia talk with the volunteers at the site while Harry starts walking around. He begins snapping away. Julia was thankful she listened to Harry about everything. From the pants, to the hat, to the extra sunscreen. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head when he took his shirt off. He tucked it into the back of his pants and continued taking pictures.

“Oi! Chris!” She whips her head to look at him. “Couldja spray some lotion on my back?”

“Yeah!” She hustles over to him and sprays the cool lotion onto him.

“Thanks. Sweatin’ my ass off.”

“I know.” She looks at her watch. “Let’s take a break and get you into the shade a bit. I packed some lunch.”

“Sounds good.”

“Julia, c ‘mon it’s lunch time.” She says to her.

The three sit in some shade and eat the sandwiches Christin brought. Julia can’t help but stare at Harry. He looks up and catches her gawking at him.

“You act like you’ve never seen a tattoo before.” He says to her.

“Sorry.” Her face blushes. “Um, when did you-“

“Got ‘em all years ago. Late teens and early twenties.” Harry’s phone buzzes and sees a text from you. He immediately smiles. You had sent him a video of the kitchen. He hits play.

“Hi! Okay, so I unpacked most of the kitchen. My mom helped a lot yesterday. Our bed is all made up too, but I can show you later. Isn’t it so nice in here? The girls were really jealous. Hope you’re having a good time! Please make sure you reapply your sunscreen, I don’t want you burnt to a crisp when you come back. Love you!” He chuckles and texts you back.

“Is she your mom or girlfriend?” A snide remark from Julia. Harry looks over at her slowly and squints.

“Nothin’ wrong with her checkin’ in. She loves me and wants me to be safe.” He gets up. “In fact, I’m gonna go send her a video a quick.”

He walks away so neither of them can hear him. He shows you where he is. When you get the video you can’t help but just stare at his sweaty torso. He looks really cool with the snapback and sunglasses. You text him immediately with a kissy face.

“Alright, let’s get back to it.” Christin says.

Harry grabs his camera and walks around the vegetation more. Julia got all she needed for the article that needs to be written, so she decides to follow Harry around. She watches the way he snaps the photo and looks at it to see if he likes it. He knew she was following him, but he didn’t mind. Maybe she just wanted to observe.

“Here, what do you think of this one?” She leans in to look at the upclose shot.

“Really cool! It’s crisp.”

“Mm.” He agrees. “Hey, I think we have everything we need.” He says to Christin.

“Let me look through.” He hands her the camera, and take his shirt out of his pants to put back on. “Oh these are amazing! I knew I was smart to bring you. I can’t wait to get you into that butterfly garden Wednesday.”

“What are we doin’ for the next couple of days?”

“Your favorite; under water shots. These same people are deploying oysters near the coast in this bay to help stop the erosion.” A smile grows on Harry’s face. “You’d be pissed if I did this without you, now wouldn’t you?”

“Maybe a little. And technically, my favorite shots are at night.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let’s head back to the boat.”

//

That night you decided to have a glass of wine while organizing some boxes. You didn’t want to go through too many of Harry’s things. You stumble upon a smaller box that said “X Photos” on it. Were they pictures of ex-girlfriends? Your buzzed curiosity takes over and you open it. You gasp when you see the first photo. It was of Harry. Only he was fully naked, lying on the floor, his legs leaning up against a wall, tastefully covering his manhood.

“Oh my god.” You say to yourself. “Who the fuck took these for him?”

You sit down and go through them. There were dozens more. He looked good, really good. The pictures didn’t look too old either. You were amazed at how the camera captured every curve of his beautiful body. Then there it was. A picture of him holding his fully erect penis with a smirk on his face. You realize the x on the box meant it was rated x.

“Jesus.”

Your eyes dance over the way he grips himself, and you need to put it down before your mind wanders. There was a more serious photo behind it. There were a couple of him wearing boxers too. He looked like an underwear model. Despite them being so revealing, the pictures were gorgeous. The lighting was perfect.

“Where did he take these?” You squint at one photo. You sort of recognize it and you gasp. “His flat in London.” Your phone goes off and you nearly jump. A FaceTime request from Harry. “Shit.” You put the pictures away quickly and answer the phone. “Hey babe.”

“Hey!”

“You looked cute earlier.”

“Thanks. And I didn’t get sun burnt. Got a nice tan comin’ along though.”

“Can’t wait to see it.”

“You look a bit flushed, are you alright?”

“Um.” You look back at the box. You weren’t sure if you should tell him about finding his very personal photos. “Okay, I wasn’t snooping through your things, but I found some photos…of you.”

“Oh?” He furrows his brows trying to think. “Oh! The naked ones?” He had zero shame or embarrassment.

“Yeah.”

“Good, was hopin’ you’d find those.” He smirks. “What’d you think?”

“They were gorgeous of course. Who…took them for you?”

“I took ‘em myself. I was home for a few weeks last summer and I was bored. I had just gotten a new lens, and I was testing out some black and white effects.”

“And you had them printed?”

“Printed ‘em myself too. I had gotten a fancy photo printer.”

“You were…hard in a few of them.”

“Mhm.”

“Why?”

“Don’t know, I was just havin’ fun.”

“Oh.”

“Was that your favorite?”

“Actually, this one was.” You go into the box and take out the first photo you saw.

“Oh yeah, there’s some left to the imagination with that one.”

“You should seriously just be an underwear model.” He chuckles. “I’m serious.”

“I know you are.” He smirks at you.

“What?”

“Nothin’, just thinkin’, like, would you ever let me take pictures of you like that? You know, tasteful ones?”

“Like a boudoir thing?”

“Sure. We could set the loft up all nice, and the pictures would just be for us.”

“I’ll think about it. I feel like I would be so awkward.”

“I’d tell ya exactly what to do. Totally professional.”

“Has someone ever paid you to take boudoir photos?”

“God no. Although, I have taken a few pictures of some naked pregnant women before.” He laughs.

“So, how was your day?”

“It was good. I’m going under water tomorrow, I’m actually kind of excited.”

“Oh that sounds like fun!”

“Yeah…I wish I could go to sleep with you.”

“Me too. Bed feels too big when you’re not there.”

After some more chatter, you both hang up, and you go do your nightly routine. Just as you’re getting into bed, you get a snapchat text from Harry.

“What in the…” You open it.

Harry: textin ya on here so the messages disappear.

Your cheeks heat up. He was in the mood.

You: Alright

Harry: I’m really fuckin hard

“Jesus.” You feel your lower stomach twist in knot.

You: oh? Just from seeing my little face?

Harry: yes

You: are in bed?

Harry: yes

You: would you like to know what I would do if I were there?

Harry: enlighten me

A wicked grin grows on your face as you dial his number.

“Hello?” He says chuckling.

“Hey, I just thought of something fun and I thought you might like to hear my voice as I say it.”

“Alright, lay it on me.”

“I have a challenge for you, and I’ll do the same so you won’t suffer alone.”

“Okay?”

“I don’t want you to touch yourself at all while you’re gone.”

“No way, it’ll be easier for you since you’re on your period.”

“I usually get off in the shower without telling you.”

“Jesus, don’t tell me stuff like that.” He groans as his cock twitches. “Why do you wanna do this to me?”

“Because imagine how fucking good it’s gonna feel when you come home. Please?”

“What will I get as a reward? There’s gotta be a really good incentive here.”

“Reward? Babe, I’m going to let you fucking annihilate me when you get back.”

“Fuck.”

“But that’s only if you do as I ask, okay? We’re on the honor system here.”

“And you’re not gonna do anythin’ either?”

“Nope.”

“Alright, challenge accepted.”

“Sweet dreams, hope you don’t wake up with sticky sheets thinking of me.” You giggle and hang up.

//

By mid-week you were really starting to miss Harry. It wasn’t like you could just go hang out with Niall or your other friends during the day because they all still had to work. There was plenty to do in the apartment, but you didn’t want to do any of it without him. You decided to spend some time getting a jump on your assignments for class. There was a big research paper you had to do, and now was as good a time as any to start it. Niall said you could come over for dinner that night, and you were excited you didn’t even have to drive to go over. You loved your new place, but you knew you’d love it more once Harry was home.

//

Harry was exhausted by the time Wednesday rolled around. He spent two days diving under murky water just to get some pictures of oyster shells in bags. He got some great shots, but fuck, at what cost? He’d be spending the rest of the week at the manatee habitat. He wasn’t super thrilled.

“This is beautiful!” Julia exclaims, stepping into the butterfly garden. “Harry, do you think we’ll see any manatees?”

“Probably not, they’re not usually here this time of year.”

“Oh.” Her smiles slowly fades.

“But, um, you can certainly look. There could be some.”

Christin was inside the building talking to the couple of people that worked at the habitat. She walks out with them and Harry wants to blow his brains out.

“H, you remember Molly and Beth right?”

“Sure, hi.” He shakes both of their hands. He had slept with Molly last time he was here. Not super professional, but so it goes.

“So glad you’re back.” Molly says to him. Julia comes walking back over.

“Ladies, this is Julia, she’ll be interviewing you for the next couple of days.”

“Great! Should we start with the garden?” Beth asks.

“Sure!” Christin and Julia follow her. Harry fiddles with his camera.

“How you been?” Molly asks him, her cheeks flushed.

“Good, really good. How ‘bout yourself?” He takes a test shot of a tree. “So fuckin’ bright out today, wish it was overcast.” He says to himself. She raises an eyebrow at him. “Less shadows when it’s overcast, can get a clearer picture. I’m gonna have to fuck with all the settings.”

“You’re a talented guy, as I recall.” She winks at him and walks to catch up with the others.

Once he gets things how he likes, Harry starts snapping shots. The benches in the garden were painted a vibrant blue. He thinks of you, knowing you’d love the color. He takes his phone out quick to take a picture to send to you. He gets a reply immediately and smiles big, then puts his phone away.

“What do you suppose made him smile like that?” Molly asks Julia. She sighs.

“Probably his girlfriend that he’s gaga for.” She rolls her eyes.

“Girlfriend?” She watches Harry squat so he can take a picture of a butterfly that’s just landed on top of a flower. “Damn, that’s too bad.”

“Why’s that?”

“Oh, nothing, never mind.” She shakes her head.

Harry comes walking over to Julia and Molly.

“Where’s Chris?”

“Inside with Beth.”

“Right, well she has all the water.”

“Thirsty, Harry?” Molly was trying to be cute with him, but he wasn’t having it.

“I can get it myself, but thanks for offerin’.” He says sarcastically, brushing by her.

“Pleasant as ever.” She crosses her arms.

“Did, um, something happen between you two?”

“Not super appropriate to talk about while on the job.”

“It’s off the record.” Julia jokes.

“Yeah, when he was here last year we hooked up. And I’ll be honest, I still think about it. He, uh, really knows what to do with it.”

“Did you stay in contact at all?”

“Nope, he totally ghosted me after he went home. Don’t blame him though.” She shrugs. “I mean, I didn’t expect a long distance relationship or anything. But I am disappointed that he’s not single. Wouldn’t have minded picking up where we left off.”

Harry comes back out with his Julia’s water bottles. He hands it to her.

“Thanks Harry! I could’ve gotten it.”

“I know.” He smiles at her. “This one wants to see a manatee, could ya walk her around and show her where they usually are?”

“I’d be happy to, come on Julia. The habitat is pretty big.”

Julia mouths thank you to Harry and he nods. Selfishly he was happy to be alone in the garden to walk around and snap shots as he pleased.

“He seems to like you.” Molly says to her.

“He was just being nice. He’s not always so nice though. He can be kind of snippy, but also mysterious.”

“Definitely mysterious.”

“I have a huge crush on him, it’s so hard.” She looks back at him.

“Look, it’s not like he’s married.” She shrugs. “It’s okay to flirt a little.”

//

“Harry these are beautiful! Well done!” Christin says looking over the days’ worth of shots. “Can’t wait to come back tomorrow so we can get some more.”

“Thanks, beautiful garden. Very tranquil.”

“You both ready for some dinner? There’s a restaurant around here we can go to.”

“Sounds great.” Julia says.

The three end up at a bar and grille.

“Okay, so, as a rite of passage, we’re ordering the fried alligator.” Christin giggles. “I know you won’t eat it Harry, so we’re also getting the fried pickles.”

“Fine.”

“Why fried alligator?”

“Because we’re in Florida and it’s a tradition when we come down here.”

“The girls at the habitat were really nice.”

“Yeah, they were great to us last year. Harry even got a private tour of the area.” He chokes on his drink. “Remember? Molly took you for a drive to some other sites.”

“Yup, I remember.” His cheeks started to turn a light pink.

“So, what’s your new place like?”

“It’s massive. Two bedrooms and two full baths. And there’s a loft. Not entirely sure what we’re gonna do with it yet. She said I could use it as a home studio, but I think we should just both put our desks up there and have it as a more formal working space. We’ll see.”

“That’s great, H. Sorry all this got in the way of your move.”

“S’okay, she was really understanding.”

“Julia, any boys come into your life at school?”

“Not this semester since the internship is full time.”

“You must still go to parties and hang out with friends though.”

“Oh I do…no one’s really caught my eye. Guys my age can be really immature.”

“Take it from me, guys at every age are immature.” Harry gives her a look as he scoffs. “It’s true! That’s why I opted for an older man. Hubby’s got five years on me, that’s why it worked. Our maturity levels are the same. You’re older than Y/N, right Harry?”

“Yeah, but only by a year and half.”

“Still, older is the way to go.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Julia says.

//

After his shower, Harry couldn’t wait to settle into bed with his book. He had cranked the A/C and got cozy in his favorite joggers and a t-shirt. Just as he was getting his glasses on, there was a light tap on his door. He sighs heavily and goes over to the door to see Julia.

“Yes?”

“I didn’t…I didn’t know you had glasses.” He pushes them up like a headband to rest on the top of his head.

“They’re for readin’.” He crosses his arms. He looks down to see her holding some toiletries and some pj’s. “What’s all this?”

“My shower doesn’t have any hot water.”

“Didja give it a minute?”

“Gave it like ten minutes, just wouldn’t heat up.”

“So…why are here?”

“Could I use your shower?”

“Go use Christin’s.”

“I can’t, she wouldn’t answer her phone. She must’ve passed out after dinner. Please, Harry?”

“Alright, fine. But make it quick.” He lets her into the room.

“Thank you so much!”

“Should still be a dry towel in there.”

She nods and goes into the bathroom. How the fuck did he get himself into this? He picks up his phone and immediately calls you.

“Hey baby, you ready to read to me?”

“I was…”

“What do you mean?”

“Julia’s in my shower.” He whispers.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“She said her hot water wasn’t workin’.”

“And yours was?”

“Well…yeah. I hope she fuckin’ leaves right after. I don’t know what kind of game she’s playin’.”

“Oh, you’re paranoid.”

“I don’t know, this seems weird.”

“Harry, she knows you’re in a relationship, she’s not going to try anything funny.”

“Not everyone’s a nice as you.” You sigh.

“Look, it’s not like I can come down there and save you. Do you wanna stay on the phone with me so she leaves right away?”

“No…I think that’ll make it more awkward.” He hears the water turn off. “Shit, I think she’s done. At least she listens.”

“What?”

“I told her to make it quick.” He sighs. “I’m gonna turn the TV on. I’ll call you back in a bit.”

“Alright.” He hangs up.

He flips the channels to see if anything good was on. Reruns of The Simpsons, that’ll do. He hears the door click open, she comes out in a tank top and shorts. Her hair was down and still pretty wet, causing the top of her shirt to get wet.

“Were you talking to someone?”

“Hm? Um, yeah, I was just on the phone quick.” She looks at the TV.

“Anything good on?”

“Just The Simpsons.” He sighs.

“Oh I love The Simpsons!”

“Aren’t you a little young to love this show? You probably don’t get half the references.”

“Some of the older episodes are a little confusing, but for the most part I just think it’s funny.” She sits on the corner of the bed, and Harry inches backwards.

“Listen, um…”

“Is it okay if I hang out for a bit? These nights have been a little boring and lonely. I can only check my social media so many times.”

“You can stay for one episode, but that’s it. I’m pretty tired…been out all day in the sun ya know?”

“Alright, thanks Harry.” She turns around to look at the space next to him on the bed. “Do you mind if I-“

“You can sit in the chair if you’re back hurts sittin’ like that.” He points to the chair near the desk in the room. She sighs.

“That’s alright, I’ll just sit like this.” She shifts to lay on her stomach, propping her face up with her palms. Ass fully on display for him. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Harry pinches the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. He tries to just concentrate on the TV. It was a pretty good episode too. He finds both him and Julia giggling at certain parts.

“Harry?” She turns to look at him, laying on her side.

“Hm?”

“Did you always know you wanted to be a photographer?”

“No…it was just a hobby for a long time. When I got to uni I took an intro photographer course and realized it was what I wanted to do.”

“You do a lot of freelance work right?”

“Mhm.”

“Does that get tiring on top of all this?”

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“What types of-“

“Why are yeh askin’ me all these questions?”

“Just trying to get to know you better…I’ve been working for you for nearly two months and I feel like I don’t know a single thing about you.”

“You don’t work for me.”

“I work with you…I know Isaac really well, even Myk at this point. She’s gotten a little nicer. I think she was happy I got sent here instead of her.”

“She wouldn’t have wanted to be on a plane with me for three hours, that’s for sure.” He smirks.

“Did you two used to date?”

“I think that’s enough with the personal questions.”

“That’s a yes.” She smiles.

“We didn’t date.” He sighs. “Sometimes when you’re young and stupid…you do stupid things.”

“You’re still young, Harry. Really young.” She giggles. “Remember the day you said I could just call you Harry?”

“Um…”

“I actually kind of miss just calling you Mr. Styles.” Yup, he knew exactly what she was doing.

“Julia, I-“

“And you thought my name was Julie, that was so cute. You could’ve called me whatever you wanted, and I probably wouldn’t have cared.” She laughs. Harry looks at the clock on the night table.

“Look, it’s gettin’ late, and I’m supposed to call my girlfriend back.”

“That was her earlier, wasn’t it?”

“Yes. And I need to call her back.”

“What’s so important?” He sighs heavily.

“She is.” He gets off the bed and walks towards the door. “You came here for a shower, remember? Should I call maintenance for you tomorrow so this doesn’t happen again? Or will everything be miraculously fixed?” She gets up and stands near him.

“You think I lied about my shower being broken? Why would I lie about that?”

“You tell me.” He crosses his arms. She swallows hard. “I think you’re a nice girl, I do. I think you have a lot of potential as a writer. But you’re out of your fuckin’ mind if you think I would ever do anythin’ to hurt my girlfriend. So, whatever you thought might happen by comin’ in here, needs to leave your head because it’s not.”

“I…”

“Even if I was single, you’re like six years younger than me, I wouldn’t take advantage of someone like that. Trust me, you don’t wanna fuck someone you work with.”

“But you can fuck the people you see on business?” She crosses her arms. “Molly told me.”

“Of course she did.” He rolls his eyes. “Listen-“

“Stop telling me to listen! I’m an adult, same as you, and I-“

“Really? Because comin’ in here the way you did makes you look like a child, a brat actually. Tryin’ t’get your way. Did you really think a little pair of shorts was goin’ t’be enough to seduce me?” She blinks at him, she feels tears prick at her eyes. “Shit.”

“I just…I don’t know…I really like you, Harry.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Don’t tell me how I feel!”

“But you don’t even know me, Julia.” He puts a hand on her shoulder. “You know some version of me you see at work every day.”

“I’m really fucking attracted to you, I can tell you that.”

“I’m sorry about that, really I am. But it’s just not gonna happen.” He takes his hand off her.

“What does she have? What makes her so goddamn special?”

“For starters, she’s out of undergrad and has her life together.” He knew what he said would slice right through her, but she needed to hear it. “I can’t really explain the rest of it. I quite literally think she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life, she brightens my day just bein’ herself, and I love every little fuckin’ thing about her, even her less than favorable qualities. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and I hope to god you meet someone that makes you feel the same way too. It’s the most amazing and awful feeling at the same time. If I were to lose her, especially over somethin’ like this, I don’t know what I would do. A quick fuck isn’t worth it, and maybe someday you’ll learn that. And honestly, shame on you for comin’ in here and tryin’ to make somethin’ happen when I’ve told you time and time again how in love I am with her.”

“I’m sorry, okay! I know I was wrong.” He sighs again.

“I forgive you. Look, I’m happy to be friendly with you, give you any advice I can about the job, whatever you need, but that’s where this ends, that’s where the line is, alright? I know how a lot of people at the studio look at me. I see it on Isaac’s face every mornin’ when I walk in, and I see it when I look at some of the other people. Don’t you think I feel bad? It’s partially why I keep my distance. I don’t want to make anything worse for anyone else.”

“But that adds to it! The mystery is so sexy.” She laughs. “When I say that out loud I just sound pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic, you’re a girl with a crush…and I’m sorry I can’t return your feelings.”

“It’s not your fault.” She sighs. “I’m really sorry about all of this, I made such a fool out of myself…”

“It’s okay. Let’s just move on, yeah?”

“Okay. Well, I guess I’ll go now. I’m really sorry again, I didn’t mean to spoil your night.”

“Don’t think much of it, not spoiled at all.” He smiles at her and opens the door.

“Can you not mention any of this to Chris? I, um, lied about texting her.”

“I assumed so, and yeah, I won’t tell her.”

“Thanks…you’re really cool you know that?”

“Goodnight, Julia.”

“Night.”

He closes the door and locks it. He wants to scream. He can’t believe he just had to lecture her like it was his child or something. He jumps to the bed and FaceTimes you immediately.

“It’s about time, I was just about to fall asleep. Did she just leave?”

“Yeah…she made a pass at me.”

“What?!”

“Well, nothing physical…but she was wearing really short shorts and said something like how she missed just calling me Mr. Styles…so I gave her a stern talking to and had her leave.”

“A stern talking to from Mr. Styles.” You giggle.

“This isn’t funny! She thought I was goin’ t’fuck her.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t.”

“I would never.”

“I know that.”

“You really weren’t worried about her at all?”

“Harry, you’re a big boy, and more importantly, I trust you. You said you’d never do anything to hurt me and I believed you. What we have is solid, I know you wouldn’t risk it just for some college girl’s loose vagina.” He bursts out laughing.

“Not exactly a woman supporting another woman are yeh?”

“I don’t have to talk nice right now, she just tried to get into your pants.”

“Wish you were here to get into my pants.”

“How are you doing with the no touching?”

“I’ve refrained, just like you told me to. It’s fuckin’ torture.”

“It’ll be worth it, I promise.”

[coveredinsweetpea]

I Can't Fall In Love Without You || K.J. Apa

A/n: This was requested by @namelesslosers . Thank you!! I fucked it up a bit, but i hope you’ll still like it!

Summary: Y/n is a famous singer/actress who used to date KJ. When one night, at a ceremony they’re both attending, she performs a song that’s ‘not-so-subtly’ about him, things take a turn.

-

“Y/n, hurry! why aren’t you dressed?” or “Sign your name here, here and here” or “You have to go to this event, everyone will there” Words could never describe just how sick you were of having to put up with this specific façade. This on going rush you’ve been living in, this ever lasting maze of horror filled fake smiles, exhausted in you in a way you never thought possible. The life inside you was now grey colored, and a dark aura surrounded you. At this point, you had the exact same job, hung out with the exact same people, lived in the same house and slept in the same bed as you did when you still had him. Walking inside your apartment and not hearing any “Babe, I made food, the top is a little burnt but I’ll eat that part, I swear the bottom tastes really good. Gordon Ramsey taught me” felt utterly useless, and it didn’t take long before it turned into dread. The Grammy’s were tonight, and you sighed heavily as you got out of the limousine, realizing this was yet another red carpet you’d walk without KJ by your side. You’ve done it for years before meeting him, you knew what to do and how to act, the whole thing was that you didn’t want to do it by yourself. You missed his arm around your waist, and those stupid dad jokes he’s whisper in your ear just to get you to flash that genuine smile of yours for the camera. Despite being media trained and knowing exactly what to do, how to keep your legs and shoulders, where to look and so on in order to look good in pictures, KJ knew just how much better you looked when your true feeling were showing. All things considered, you were sure no one noticed just how much different you looked without him, but frankly, you were glad they had no idea. The last thing you needed were more questions about him, considering it had been months since you two parted ways.

“God!” Mary exclaimed, rushing to you, “How many times do I have to say this! Don’t sit down!” “Yeah yeah yeah” you mumbled, standing up from the armchair. Your eyes were still trained on the screen of your phone, following carefully a thread showing all the outfits people wore to the event. You knew Joe was invited, but since he wasn’t a nominee or an important guest, you weren’t surprised you didn’t see pictures of him yet. “Looking for him again?” your best friend sighed, “You’re performing in 2 minutes, get your vibes on!” “I’d fucking have my vibes on-” you snapped, talking as you walked away from her, “If you’d just let me be!” “What’s gotten your panties in a bunch, huh?” she taunted, walking towards you, “Haven’t seen you this moody in a while” “Meg, you know I love you” you sighed, turning around just enough to be able to look her in the eye, “But now is not the time” “It’s KJ, isn’t it?” “No, it’s not” you lied with a roll of your eyes, “I’m just nervous, that’s all” To be fair, it wasn’t a complete lie. You really were more nervous than you’ve been in ages, but that was because this was the biggest stage you’d walk on without as much as a smile of encouragement from him. KJ was somewhere in the audience, and the fact that your source of confidence would just watch your performance from beginning to end without having any direct influence over it, made you knees weak. Eventually, there was no where for you to hide anymore as the time to step on stage finally came. You did so on shaky knees, but as soon as your ears were met with chants of excitement and rounds of applause, you remembered why you chose this path in life. After a few seconds the lights dimmed, and silence settled. The song you had to perform wasn’t the most vocally challenging, but the emotional baggage it brought upon you was enough to make your lungs shake with every word you sang.

“I can be out every night No one else holding me down I can do just what I like But I can’t fall in love without you I can’t fall in love without you

Please don’t fall in love without me I hope you’re sorry Can’t find the words to say Hope you’re always worried Worryin’ ‘bout me”

Your palms were sweaty against the microphone and your ears were ever so numb, that you could barely hear yourself. The emotion for this song came from somewhere deep within, and you knew your secret was out - if you could even call it a secret. But at that moment, you didn’t care about them, all you saw before your eyes were the endless nights you spent without KJ. It didn’t matter if you were alone or not, it was his company you wanted, not anyone else’s. After your performance, Shawn Mendes took the stage and ended the whole ceremony, as you watched quietly from backstage. When everything was over, you hurried to change out of your long light blue dress, and into a black one, which despite being less revealing, was shorter and tighter. Ditching your pair of high heel sandals in favor of a pair of silver stilettos, you jumped into your car, where your stylist did her magic, and turned your flawless curls into a sea of messy waves. While you were still more than a few blocks away from where the after  party was to be held, your phone started blowing up. Twitter had gone mad, 3 different hashtags involving you and KJ were trending, your Instagram follower count had gone up by 80.000 bringing you close to the 70M milestone. All kinds of magazines and websites, most of which you haven’t even heard of before were posting about you, updating, speculating and analyzing. As it turns out, performing a song that was obviously about your ex after you’ve just received the first Grammy of your career, was indeed a big deal. The way from your car and to the door of the venue was quitter than you expected, but it was still early and the paparazzi hadn’t yet found the location. You calmly walked inside, the party already in full swing. A lot of celebrities that had no business attending the ceremony but were considered important enough by the mainstream media, were invited to this party. Most of your friends were there, so it didn’t take long for you to mingle in. You tried keeping yourself busy jumping from group to group, meeting new people and seeing old friends, but your mind wasn’t having it. KJ was still haunting your thoughts, so you made your way to the bar, hoping a drink would help you get in the mood to party. As you pondered what to order, you felt a very familiar cologne invade your senses. It made your knees weak, and your heart was beating at a pace that was by no means safe as you feared that at any moment, it would physically burst out of your chest. “Two strawberry vodka” you heard him saw, and it took everything inside of you not at aww at his words, as that had been your drink, starting from your very first date, up to the last time you drank together. “Wow” you smiled, turning to him, “Classy” “You taught me” KJ laughed, already blushing. It might have been the light, but the red in his hair was darker and his dark brown roots were beginning to show - that was something you always loved about him. He was wearing a plain white t shirt tucked into black jeans, and had his hair not been red, he would have made a perfect James Dean. “What’s up?” you asked softly, facing him completely despite still leaning against the bar. “I just wanted to congratulate you” he said, waving his arm. He would have touched you, squeezed your elbow or patted your shoulder, but you sensed the fear in his gestures, and it truly pained you. “Thank you” you smiled, “This is really big, didn’t think I’d win” “I knew you would” he grinned. “Did you?” “Yeah!” KJ nodded, before his smile faded, “I actually wanted to text you last night and wish you good luck and all that, but I figured it was a bad idea” “It wasn’t” you pouted, “I would have appreciated it. But now is almost just as good” He looked at you, his eyes lingering on yours as a new kind of smile curled the corners of his lips upwards. “I know just the thing-” he mumbled, grabbing his phone out of his right pocket. He kept it so you couldn’t see what he was doing, but soon after your drinks arrived, he placed his phone back in his pocket, and an exact second later, your own buzzed. “Oh god” you giggled, rolling your eyes. It was obviously a text from him, but you didn’t hesitate to read it. “Hey, Y/N, I know we haven’t talked in ages and I hate that a lot. I am also aware I missed a lot of important things in your life, but I did follow as much as I could through the internet so my prediction is based on facts. I’ll keep this short because I know you don’t like sappy moments, but that Grammy is yours. There’s no doubt about it. One day, you’ll win an Oscar too, I know it. Good luck, angel! x” “See?” you whined, stomping your foot against the floor, “Why are you like this?” “Like what?” he asked curious, leaning his head to the side. “Like-” you stuttered, furrowing your brows, “Like you!” “Like me?” KJ laughed, advancing towards you a bit, but still keeping a decent distance between your bodies, “Why am I like me? what do you mean?” You rolled your eyes with a scoff, “You know what I mean!” “Why do I still worry about you even after all this time?” he teased, coming another step closer. Despite knowing where this was going you didn’t have it in you to stop it, “Don’t make references to my song!” “It’s a good song” he defended himself. “Of course it is” you scoffed, closing the distance between your bodies. “Why? Because you wrote it?” KJ mocked, wrapping his left arm around your middle. You looked up into his eyes and saw him smiling down at you. It warmed your heart as you haven’t seen that exact reaction in months, and to be honest, it was you absolute favorite thing in the word. He looked at you in complete awe and you were done. “No…” you whispered, “Because it’s about you” He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, “I still love you, you know? Nothing changed for me, and it won’t anytime soon” Your teasing mood and flirty attitude disappeared in an instant, now you were sad, angry - at yourself, and had no idea what to do. “I shouldn’t have performed that song, this isn’t ok” Despite saying these things, you didn’t back away from him. Instead, you wrapped your arms around him and hid your face in his neck. KJ brought you closer to his chest, holding you tight around your middle. It was a hug at the edge between a reunion and a goodbye, and you were dead set on not letting go of him until you knew which one of the two it actually was. “Hey-” KJ said, gently pushing you away so he could look into your eyes as he spoke, “We can talk about this, whatever it is. Let’s go outside and-” “No” you shook your head, “I can’t do this tonight” “I-” he tried to speak, obviously taken aback, but you stopped him. “I waited for this night ever since I was 8. I dreamed about holding that award in my hands for so long, I don’t want anything to ruin this for me” It was visible just how much your words pained him, but he held it all back. Or at least he tried. Tears glistered at the corners of his eyes, but he still nodded in agreement, taking a step back, “I respect that” You grabbed his hand to stop him, as you didn’t want to let anything unfinished, “I do love you, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Take me back-” you said, “for tonight. Can everything go back to normal, just for this night, and we’ll talk about it in the morning, and we’ll work through things as they come, I thought I-” KJ cut you off, as he grabbed your cheeks, and kissed you. He was more passionate than you ever felt him. You’ve done this so many times, yet this felling right now, it was knew. You teeth still clanked against his, and you still licked the corner of his mouth by mistake, but your eyes remained closed, just as his, because this was new. This was the beginning of something new. It was like your very first kiss all over again. With one arm around you and a hand planted on the side of your rib cage, he held you as close as he could, every now and then sighing against your lips, sighs which eventually turned into little moans, until you had to pull away. “Scare me like that ever again-” “What?” you laughed, “Did you think we were gonna break up again, or?” “Are you ever not this sassy?” KJ exclaimed. “Would I still be the woman you fell in love with if I didn’t mock you?” He laughed out loud, “Probably not, so please don’t ever stop”

[angrylizardjacket]

Asher Kids Do An Interview

Choose an OC.

Answer them as that OC.

Tag 5 people to do the same.

Tagging @siriuslymooned​ @sam-writes​ @toplesstaylor​ @rogerandhishair​ and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it!!

[aydtd]

Note: Astrid is the oldest. Cate is the middlest. Barney is the youngest.

1. What is your name?

Cate: Cate Taylor.

Barney: Barney Clarke- Taylor... Sun. 

Astrid: Astrid Taylor.

2. Do you know why are you named that?

Cate: It’s short for Catherine.

Astrid: Is that what it’s short for?

Cate: Shut up.

Barney: What are you short for?

Astrid: That’s just how I grew.

Barney: You grew?

Astrid: I didn’t come out of ma at five-foot nothin’, yeah I fuckin’ grew, ya turnip.

Cate: Barney’s short for Barnabus.

Astrid: Barney’s short for a giant.

Barney: Taller than both of you.

Astrid: Taller than everyone.

Cate: ’s not difficult to be taller than Trid.

Astrid: Shut it; Barney what’s the deal with your last name?

Barney: Clarke is my professional name, I was born a Taylor, and I married into Sun. So legally I’m Barnabus Sun-Taylor, but I’m usually credited professionally as Barney Clarke.

Astrid: Huh. Nice; I didn’t realise you and Mickey [Barney’s partner] hyphenated. I’m named Astrid ‘cos dad liked how it sounded.

3. Are you single or taken?

Barney: Taken. [Barney wiggles the fingers off his left hand, to show where a wedding ring sits neatly on his ring finger.]

Cate: Taken? Taken. Not married though, almost made that mistake before.

Astrid: Single as.

4. Have any abilities or powers?

[There’s a long silence, the three of them look at one another with confusion.]

Barney: I played a superhero once.

Astrid: Oh yeah, you were good in that, what was it-?

Barney: X-Men.

Cate: Did you really forget X-Men?

Astrid: He’s been in a lot of movies!

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

Cate: The next time you read an alcoholic, lesbian, disaster Mary Sue, can you please send me a link? 

Astrid: Hey!

Barney: I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Gary Stu’ for me?

Cate: You’re not a Gary Stu... Actually-

Astrid: Maybe a little?

Barney: I’m successful, there’s a difference, I think.

Cate: (amused) Did you put yourself through the litmus test?

Astrid: There’s a litmus test?

6. What’s your eye color?

Astrid: Blue.

Cate: Blue.

Barney: Ma’s eyes all the way; green.

7. How about your hair color?

Barney: Ginger.

Cate: I dunno, I think I’d consider myself a strawberry blonde.

Astrid: We’re a weird sliding scale between mum and dad; I’ve got dad’s blonde hair.

8. Have any family members?

[They look at each other with amusement.]

Astrid: (sarcastically) No, I’ve never seen these people before in my life.

9. Oh? How about pets?

Cate: My daughter’s been asking about getting a dog and I’m pretty sure Joe’s gonna get her one if he gets wind of how much she wants it. 

Astrid: God, imagine her little face if Joe gets her a puppy, oh Christ.

Cate: She’d cry, she’d absolutely cry, like happy tears but... oh, God I’m gonna get a dog aren’t I?

Barney: Pets are great; I love Sir more every day.

Astrid: I hope [Cate’s] dog is nothing like Sir, that cat is an asshole-

Barney: Only to you.

Astrid: Barn, your cat is an asshole.

Barney: You’re an asshole.

10. That’s cool, I guess. Now tell me something you don’t like?

Astrid: Barney’s fucking cat.

Barney: Astrid.

Cate: Calm down you babies. I don’t like wearing high heels.

Astrid: Seconded.

Barney: Thirded.

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?

Barney: I box.

Astrid: That’s your go-to, isn’t it?

Barney: Fine, I also enjoy swimming, spending time with Mickey, and mixing drinks. 

Cate: That’s cute.

Astrid: I enjoy drinking the drinks he mixes.

Cate: That’s less cute.

Barney: Drinking isn’t a hobby.

Astrid: Alright, I enjoy going to pubs to listen to music, driving fast cars, and spending time with pretty people.

Cate: Yeah, that checks out. I don’t have a lot of time for hobbies, though I play music, my bass mostly, and, ah, studying languages I guess. And spending time with Claud [her daughter], obviously.

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

Astrid: Bar fights, mostly. Smacked a few assholes who’ve heckled Barn’s movies while I’m trying to watch them.

Barney: That’s actually kind of sweet. I’ve only been in one bar fight, and Trid finished that guy off, but other than that, and a few stunts gone wrong, a few hits in boxing, not really.

Cate: (visibly uncomfortable) Not, uh, not physically.

13. Ever… killed anyone before?

Astrid: What the fuck? No.

14. What kind of animal are you?

Cate: I think I’m a meerkat.

[Astrid immediately raises her hands up to her chest like paws, perking up and looking around, imitating a meerkat. Cate smiles, and imitates the gesture.]

Barney: Yeah, I can see it. Trid’s that terribly taxidermied- ah, [he pulls out his phone, and taps away at the screen for a moment] cheetah! 

[Astrid shoves him, but both he and Cate are laughing.]

Astrid: You’re your asshole cat.

15. Name your worst habits?

Barney: Oh, Mickey actually hit the nail on the head when we did the Husband Tag on their channel the other day- follow Mickey, they’re sunteamick, all one word, on YouTube.

Cate: What did they say?

Barney: I’m too unperturbed.

Astrid: You’re too chill?

Barney: They said I’m a danger to myself because of it; got hit in the face at boxing a few months ago, broke my nose - not the first time, but still not pleasant - and went home instead of to the hospital because I didn’t think it was that bad. It wasn’t; I still should have gone to hospital but it wasn’t that bad. Much worse things could have happened, it’s just a nose.

Cate: You need to be more perturbed?

Barney: I need to be more perturbed.

Astrid: Being unperturbed isn’t exactly a habit.

Barney: I also leave the cap off the toothpaste after I use it.

Cate: That’s bad and you should feel bad.

Barney: I do, but I’ll never change. It perturbs Mickey.

Astrid: My worst habit is that - I’m a stunt driver sometimes, right, and I do mad dangerous stunts, and every time I get injured or have like, a near death experience, I don’t think like ‘oh maybe I should slow down’, I think ‘how long until I can get this fuckin’ cast off and get back behind the wheel?’.

Cate: You’re an adrenaline junkie.

Astrid: But only with dangerous car stunts.

Barney: You perturb me.

Astrid: Good.

Cate: I bite my nails.

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?

Astrid: Physically or metaphorically?

Barney: You look up to everyone physically. 

[Note; Barney Clarke is 6′4. Astrid Taylor is 5′0.]

Cate: Our parents, obviously. They’re very successful, and have been through a lot. I grew up idolising them because they’re my parents, but as I came to know more about them as people, it was just natural to idolise them as people too.

Barney: Yeah, mum and dad, also Alec Baldwin.

Cate: Alec Baldwin, really? I wouldn’t have picked that.

Barney: Did you see him in Streetcar? [he hums appreciatively] That man’s career, his talent, all the stuff of legend. Meryl Streep, too.

Cate: Yeah no, I get that.

Astrid: Meryl Streep can get it.

17. Are you gay, straight or bisexual?

Barney: Uh, I’m pan?

Cate: I’m probably on the asexual spectrum, I haven’t thought about it in a while. Not aromantic though, I guess I’d be bi or pan romantic? Queer. I’m queer.

Astrid: I’m- look at me, I’m a whole damn lesbian.

18. Do you go to school?

Astrid: I take a few classes here and there, but I actually didn’t finish high school, dropped out in Year 10 with my parent’s blessing and started working as a mechanic.

Cate: I haven’t studied in a while but I have a Masters in Public Relations.

Astrid: And she speaks like eight languages.

Cate: Five.

Astrid: Still, you’re a very impressive lady.

Cate: Thanks, Trid. 

Barney: I finished high school, but I’ve been working pretty steadily since then, don’t have a degree or anything.

19. Ever want to marry and have kids one day?

Cate: I’ve got Claud, I almost married her dad, but... but that would have been bad for everyone. I’m not in a hurry to get married, let’s say.

Barney: Mickey and I don’t really want to be parents just yet, maybe one day, but we’re happy just spoiling Claud when we can.

Astrid: Oh, absolutely seconded; that kid is terrifyingly sweet for how spoiled she is.

Barney: She’s so great.

Cate: She really is.

20. Do you have any fangirls/fanboys?

Astrid: I run a Barney stan account on Twitter.

Barney: Really?

Astrid: Fuck no, but he does actually have fans.

Cate: I guess we all have fans in our own way, but a lot of that, like minus Barney, who’s genuinely a star, is more because of mum and dad.

Astrid: Imagine if Claud grows up to be a Queen stan on tumblr.

Cate: That’s horrifying.

21. What are you most afraid of?

Cate: The concept of Claud finding smut about Joe.

Astrid: The concept that Cate’s found and read smut about Joe.

Barney: Why would she need it? Couldn’t she just-

Astrid: Maybe before they were together?

Cate: I hate you both.

Barney: Well, that’s not a ‘no I haven’t read smut about my boyfriend’. Also I’m afraid of submarines.

Astrid: Submarines?

Barney: The big hole in the front of them gives me anxiety.

22. What do you usually wear?

Barney: Astrid doesn’t get to answer this one because she doesn’t know what fashion is, and dresses like a single dad in the middle of his mid-life crisis.

[Astrid shrugs but keeps quiet; her shorts have oil stains on them.]

Barney: Good. I’m a fan of colourful button-downs and slacks.

Astrid: Gucci [pronounced Gucky, like ducky but with a G] button-downs, you mean. 

Barney: (quietly, but with a lot of feeling) I hate you.

[Cate is laughing too hard to answer. She wears a pastel sweater and well fitting jeans.]

23. What’s one food that tempts you?

Astrid: Kracken Rum.

Cate: That doesn’t count as food.

Astrid: I’m not changing my answer.

Cate: Fine. Original Glaze Krispy Cream Donuts.

Barney: Like the ones dad used to buy us when we’d visit him on tour in America?

Cate: Yeah! God they’re good.

Barney: I’m always tempted by whatever Mickey cooks, though they don’t do it a lot. I usually cook. I enjoy it a lot.

24. Am I annoying to you?

Cate: No, you’re fine.

25. Well, it’s still not over!

Astrid: How many questions left?

26. What class are you (low/middle/high)?

[All three of them seem to become uncomfortable with the question.]

Cate: We- we’re comfortable. Our parents are Roger and Ash Taylor, we’ll always be comfortable.

27. How many friends do you have?

Cate: I’d say we’ve all got good circles - very different circles, sure-

Barney: If Astrid could stop collecting my pretty-boy costars that is.

Astrid: (smugly) It’s not my fault I’m good at making friends with your pretty-boy costars.

Barney: I’m glad people don’t realise we’re related, sometimes.

Astrid: Because I embarrass you?

Barney: (grumbling under his breath) Because everyone thinks you’re cooler than me.

Astrid: Men are so easy to get; look good, drive fast, and drink hard. Once they find out I’m gay and I can help wingman them really well, and maybe fix their cars, I’ve got ‘em, hook, line, and sinker.

Barney: That’s a bit of a generalisation, don’t you think?

Astrid: Fine; pretty boys in Hollywood are easy to get. 

Barney: That much I’ll give you.

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

Cate: Actually, Barney, that apple pie you made for Easter was stunning, I was meaning to tell you.

Astrid: Easter was months ago.

Cate: I’ve been busy!

Barney: Thanks, I can send you the recipe if you like.

Cate: I’d never have the time to cook it.

Barney: I’ll make it for you again, then. 

29. Favorite drink?

Astrid: Kracken. Rum.

Barney: Peanut butter and chocolate milkshake.

Cate: (again, uncomfortable) Orange juice, I guess.

30. What’s your favorite place?

Barney: The kitchen of my LA apartment, with a roast dinner in the oven and Mickey sitting at the kitchen island talking to me about their day.

Cate: Awww!

Astrid: That’s really sweet, Barn.

Cate: Well mine’s probably being side of stage at one of dad’s concerts with Claud with me.

Astrid: (quiet) Mine’s gonna sound stupid.

Cate: No, it’s- well, maybe.

Astrid: It’s just- I don’t really have like a favourite favourite place, you know? I have like, moments with people that just stick with me. Like, I shared a cigarette with Ben [Hardy] during one of Cate’s gigs and I just remember talking and laughing and looking up at the stars, and I could hear my talented as all fuck sister playing inside, and I just- it was lovely. 

Cate: Trid...

Astrid: And you know, I do remember X-Men, you know? Because when you flew with that scream-thing you do in the movie? I fucking cried. I was so fucking proud, dude. My favourite place is in a cinema watching my little brother on the big screen, or at a bar watching my sister smash out some of the best rock and roll of our generation, or watching dad play, or seeing mum’s smile when she’s finally happy with an outfit- fuck, sorry I didn’t mean to get all sappy and shit.

Barney: No- Trid, no, don’t apologise.

31. Are you interested in anyone?

Astrid: Not in a long-term sense.

[Cate and Barney share a frown, before turning their identical ‘are you kidding me?’ looks on the interviewer.]

32. That was a stupid question…

Barney: Yeah, I’m married.

33. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

Cate: Ocean, always the ocean.

Barney: Yeah, I’m with you on that one.

Astrid: But the ocean has submarines in it.

Barney: Well I can’t see them so it’s fine.

Astrid: Fair cop, I also have to say ocean.

34. What’s your type?

Astrid: (teasingly) Cate likes cute, goofy actors with dumb perms and big grins and-

Cate: Astrid likes all girls ever, especially if they buy her a drink.

Astrid: Guilty as charged.

Barney: Two opposite ends of the spectrum? Every girl ever and Joe Mazzello specifically?

Cate: ... Pretty much.

35. Any fetishes?

[Astrid opens her mouth, but Cate smacks her hand over her mouth.]

Cate: That’s information I don’t need to know about my sister, thanks.

Barney: (grinning) Bondage.

Astrid: (muffled) Nice.

Cate: Christ.

Barney: That’s the tame shit, Catie.

Cate: You are my Baby Brother, shut your mouth. Ow!

[Astrid has bitten Cate’s hand. She removes her hand from Astrid’s mouth.]

Barney: I’m a married man!

Cate: I don’t want to know what you guys are into, and I don’t want you to know what I’m into, okay? We all know too much about our own family, I’d like some modicum of privacy.

Astrid: Yeah, after you see your mum bare it all in a photoshoot from the seventies with Bowie, life does get a little weird.

Barney: Oh, I forgot about that. Okay, moving on.

36. Camping or outdoors?

Astrid: Camper van.

Barney: I like hiking, but not really camping.

Cate: Claud camps in the backyard sometimes, it’s fun to join her, sometimes we stargaze.

Astrid: That’s a grossly cute image to end on.

Barney: Does Joe stargaze with you guys?

Cate: (blushing) Once or twice. Claud fell asleep on him last time. It was pretty cute.

Astrid: Oh that’s actually really cute.

Cate: Yeah, it was.

[caramell0w]

Pen Pals- Chapter 4

Parings: Tom X Reader

Summary: You’re Pen pals with Tom but you don’t know it’s Tom Hiddleston

Warnings: None

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has read the story so far and who has commented, re-blogged or liked it!  It’s because of you guys that I’m happy to keep posting.  I also was able to get this out tonight vs tomorrow..your welcome :) Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Word Count: 1578

Previous Chapter | Masterlist

If you like my fanfic, check out my books

“Excuse me, I have to use the restroom,” you practically ran out of the room and headed towards the closest bathroom, Stacy close on your heels.

You opened the door with such force; you’re surprised it didn’t come off its hinges. ‘Shit, shit, shit,” you kept thinking to yourself.  You grabbed a stack of paper towels from the holder and pushed them under the faucet to start the water.  You rung them out and started blotting your face and neck, trying to calm your racing heart.

“Y/N, what’s going on? How do you know him?” Stacy asked, eyes wide with concern (or surprise, you weren’t sure).

“Tom and I have been writing to one another since we were in 3rd grade, only I didn’t know it was him,” you groaned.

“He’s hot!  This is a problem because..” she trailed off.

“Because I promised myself I would never meet this person, my pen pal.  I refused to exchange pictures, skype or anything.  I figured if I didn’t know who he was he wouldn’t seem real.  I’ve told him so much about my life, all the embarrassing things, past boyfriends, how I lost my virginity and how bad it was,” you chucked slightly, tears threatening to fall from your eyes.  You grabbed a paper towel and wiped under your eyes to catch the extra moisture.

“So basically he’s your best friend?  Again, I don’t see the problem with this.” You could tell Stacy was having a difficult time understanding where you were coming from.  Frankly, the more you tried to explain why it’s so bad; the harder time you were having convincing yourself.  Tom freaking Hiddleston is your pen pal.  You took a steadying breath and composed yourself before returning to the conference room.  Upon your return you were met with stares from everyone in the room.  You know they were all thinking you were crazy and what you did bordered on being unprofessional.

“I’m so sorry for running out of here; that was very unprofessional.  I want to assure you that my team will be working around the clock to make sure the marketing of this film will go off without a hitch.”  You looked around the room to see everyone nodding their heads.  When your eyes locked with Tom’s he smiled brightly at you and mouthed ‘sorry’.

The rest of the meeting went off without a hitch.  The cast stuck around for a few minutes to answer questions that your team was dying to ask (without giving spoilers of course).  Tom made his way to you and stood within an arms length distance.

“I didn’t mean to cause you distress, I’m sorry for that,” he apologized.  “When I got your email about the runner I knew it had to have been you I knocked over, so when you walked through the door I was in total shock.”

“When I got your email about a meeting with a marketing firm, I figured there couldn’t be that many companies in L.A. that have the same meeting today.  I’m just in shock.  I honestly figured we’d never meet and I could just go on thinking you weren’t real,” you blushed at your omission.  You quickly tried to cover what you just said, “Not that I ever thought you were fake, it’s just that since we hadn’t met or seen one another, you didn’t seem real.”

He hummed his understanding and gave you a thousand watt smile.  “I understand, no need to try and explain.  I would like to get the chance to get to know you, the girl who knows me better than anyone.  Would you like to get a drink?  We talked about going to Mangia Mangia, why not tonight?”

You took a deep breath and bit your lip in thought.

“Please don’t make me ask again, Darling.  If you don’t say yes Chris will make fun of me for the next week,” he leaned in and whispered, sending a chill down your spine.  As he moved closer you inhaled him; he smelled like leather and something that was uniquely him.  Your eyes fluttered closed for a moment before nodding your head yes.  You opened your eyes to see him smiling brightly, “If you give me your address I can come get you, if you’re OK with that?”

“Sure, give me your phone,” you insisted, placing your palm out waiting.  He unlocked it and you added your phone number and address to his contacts.  “Now you can call me,” you blushed handing the phone back to him.

“I look forward to using that number,” he winked and laughed.  You looked down to your feet and chuckled lightly, before looking back up into his eyes; they seemed to twinkle with delight.

“Come on lover boy, we’ve got to get going,” Chris said front behind you.

“I’ll pick you up at 7:30,” he took your hand in his and placed a chaste kiss to the back of it.

“Bye,” you all but whispered as he left the room, leaving you there with your team.

“Um, what just happened?” Joe asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“It’s a long story, but the abridged version is he’s my pen pal from when I was 8 and we have been in touch ever sense,” you smiled as you told the story.

“So basically you made our lives easy then?  You have direct access to the cast, or at least one of them,” Rob chimed in.

“Think he can hook me up with Chris?” Julie laughed, but she blushed giving her thoughts away.

“You guys are all nuts. We’re just friends, and we aren’t even friends in person, this is the first time I’ve met the man.”

“Lucky you. He’s hot, wish I had a pen pal,” Nelly said.

You all walked out of the building and got back into Joe’s car to head back to the office.  As everyone else was talking about meeting the crew and work, your mind was drifting to thoughts of Tom and your date. No, it’s not a date.  It is just two friends going out to have a drink and maybe some dinner.  Your phone chimed indicating you had a message and you pulled it out of your pocket. The message was from an unknown number and it said ‘See you tonight Darling’.  You smiled as you added his number to your phones contacts and replied ‘See ya then’.

“Y/N, don’t you agree?” Rob asked.

“I’m sorry, what were you saying?” You asked focusing your attention on Rob.

He laughed, “Earth to Y/N. I said we should look at a few smaller venues where the cast can do talks, keep it a bit more intimate so the attendees can see that the cast isn’t just big Hollywood.  What do you think?”

“Since these actors are still pretty new, I think we need to hype up, not play down.  If it was someone like Johnny Deep or Robert Downey Jr. I would say you would be on to something.  We need to do things to hype up the movie, get them good press.  We could even do something where they show up to a hospital or school dressed as the characters and there could be a private showing.  They’re doing something to make people especially kids feel better and they get a ton of press from it, win win.”

You heard a few murmurs from the team as Joe parked the car and everyone got out and headed back into the office.  Two more hours and you were able to go home.  You tried to get some work done but your mind kept wandering to the evening. You were trying to figure out what to wear, what you were going to talk about, how he would smell.  The last one made you smile and you started getting nervous. You shook your head tried to focus on work again.

Finally, after what felt like 10 years, the day ended and you made your way through L.A traffic to your apartment.  You arrived at 6pm and headed straight to your room.  You pulled clothes down and held different outfits in front of yourself to look in the mirror.  Should you go casual in a pair of skinny jeans and a flowy top, or fancy in a knee length black dress with a scoop-neck.  

After trying on a dozen different outfits, you settled on a blue and white striped fit and flare dress with a slim hot pink belt that accented your waist.  You refreshed your make-up and added a little curl to your hair that you pinned half back.  You slipped on a pair of nude heels as you heard a knock on the door.  You looked around your room and it looked like a hurricane had hit.  You groaned as the knock on the door came again.

‘He’s not gonna come in here anyway,’ you thought as you opened the door.  The most beautiful man was standing in front of you and he literality took your breath away.  He was wearing a heather grey button down shirt, with the top button undone, showing just a small amount of chest hair and a pair of khaki’s.  He looked amazing.

“You look beautiful Y/N,” he commented, smiling and giving you the once over.

“You clean up nice yourself Tom,” you smiled back at him.

“Shall we?” He extended his elbow, allowing you to slip you arm into the crook.

“Let’s go.”

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[surveystodestressme]

85.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 22

2001. Can you believe that we have only gotten through two fifths of this survey so far? i believe it 2002. What is your opinion of Dave Coulier? i have no idea who that is 2003. If you were to a write a Choose Your Own Adventure book, what would it be about? horror 2004. What was your best find from a flea market, garage sale, ebay or thrift store? huh? 2005. What do you not have enough money for right now? a new car

2006. Do you believe that Teras for Fears were right when they said, “Everybody wants to rule the world?” eh 2007. What is the design on your beach towel? i don’t have a beach towel 2008. What stirs something deep and animalistic inside you? mean fucking people 2009. Have you ever cross dressed (even as a joke)? no 2010. Do you own anything with a rainbow on it? yes lol my boyfriends mom buys pj pants for everyone on christmas and this year she got me rainbow pants with minions on them....... i’ve NEVER even seen despicable me 2011. What would be the worst object for a child to take on a long car ride with you? a loud handheld game 2012. What’s the Best Beatles song in your opinion? help 2013. Why do you suppose that diary sites are more popular with females than males? idk 2014. What do these color combinations remind you of: orange and pink: ice cream pink and green: fruit green and gold: nature purple and gold: idk gold and red: royalty red and white: america blue and grey: the beach 2015. What is one selfish thing you tend to do? let people buy me stuff 2016. When do you think technology will catch up with the Jetson’s? idk 2017. What made you laugh today? my lab partners 2018. Do you ever stick your entries in any of the diary circles? no. 2019. Can you freestyle rap? i could try but it wouldn’t be that good 2020. Are you: stylish? somewhat shiek? huh? smart? i think so 2021. Do you find you self only buying brand name products? i do not care about name brands 2022. Would you ever want to buy an article of clothing or an accessory because you saw a celebrity wear it? i don’t pay attention to celebrities enough 2023. What song do you feel the sexiest dancing to? buttons by pussycat dolls 2024. Who do you know who looks silly when they dance? my dad 2025. Sweaty sex or clean sex? a lil bit of both honestly 2026. Which is more important to you: being kind or being right? i mean both honestly. 2027. Can you do any special dances like swing, tap, or ballroom? i used to do tap 2028. Are you scared of monsters? nada 2029. Who would you like to remind people of? idc 2030. Do you walk to school or do you bring your lunch? neither???? 2031. Rate your skills from one to ten (10 = you are the best at it): socializing: 5 making friends: 5 working with computers: 5 arts: 7 crafts: 7 dancing: 2 skating: 6 talking other people into things: 8 writing: 9 living life to the fullest each day: 5 cooking: 3 gardening: 2 cleaning up after yourself: 9 playing poker: 1 surviving in the woods: 3 managing your time: 8 attracting the opposite sex (or same sex if you prefer)? 4 2032. Have you ever been to an indian reservation? nope 2033. What is going to happen tomorrow that you can celebrate, even if it’s a little thing? idk 2034. Do you save things for special occasions or is everyday a special occasion? i save things. 2035. What is one thing you are terrible at: saving money 2036. What’s your favorite: rap song: love the way you lie country song: we danced industrial song: idk. cover song: cant help falling in love with you punk song: idk odd song: cotton eye joe 2037. What do you get your teacher or your boss for the holidays? not a thing lol 2038. Do you like to read books by Virgina Wolfe? never read any. 2039. What is your favorite tv show from when you were a kid? spongebob 2040. What is now proved was once only imagined. - William Blake. What do you imagine? the future. 2041. What has been passed down through at least two generations to you? nothing 2042. Do we live in a particularly bad age for romance? i don’t think so 2043. Have you ever cheated on someone? nope Do you believe that once someone is a cheater they can never be trusted? yes 2044. Have you ever gone: christmas caroling? nope pumpkin picking? yeah on a hay wagon ride? yes on a romantic valentine’s day date? yeah to a new year’s eve party? a couple times to a memorial day parade? yeah to the Macy’s thanksgiving day parade? maybe in the past to search for gold coins on st patrick’s day? no. 2045. Have you ever done any modeling? nope 2046. Would you consider yourself to be psychologically damaged? not that i can think of 2047. How aware are you of the reasons behind your actions and words? very aware 2048. What is the sickest you ever drank or drugged yourself? i haven’t had any really bad experiences tbh. it’s always a shitty time when i’ve thrown up from alcohol but i’ve never blacked out. 2049. Would you prefer it if clothing was optional? no lol. 2050. What is one interesting fact about you: i collect shot glasses 2051. Are more people depressed because they are alone, or are more people alone because they are depressed? they’re more depressed bc they’re alone probably but there are way more complicated reasons as to why people are depressed 2052. Have you ever gotten a mug, t-shirt, key chain, etc. that was personalized with your picture? no lol 2053. What was the last thing that you experienced for the first time? i don’t know 2054. If you were going to die tomorrow and you were leaving a postcard for someone to read after you were gone what would it say? i dunno. 2055. If you were about to be executed what would your last request be? tell my family that i love them 2056. What kinds of people do you find intimidating? too many people lol 2057. How much conviction do you have in your feelings and beliefs? quite a bit. 2058. In your house where is the: crazy glue? in the junk drawer flashlight? above the snack cabinet 2059. Out of everyone you know who has the most personality? there’s plenty of people lol 2060. If you could go back in time to experience a musical movement or era, which one would you choose to live through? none 2061. Do you suffocate people with your love? sometimes 2062. Do you feel your life is charmed? no. 2063. What character do you identify the most with from Winnie the Pooh? piglet 2064. When do you do your best thinking? in the shower or on the toilet 2065. What motivates you? food 2066. Look back at all the people you’ve dated. Has there been a pattern? not that i can think of 2067. Things change but what will always remain the same for you? i don’t know 2068. Is divorce something you would ever consider or do you feel that marriage is permanantly binding? i would preferably not get divorced. 2069. What’s the strangest movie you ever saw? the abc’s of death 2070. If you could go into virtual reality and set up your life there to be perfect and it would seem real but not be real would you trade your life now for the virtual life? it’d be cool but no 2071. Does it seem like life is more difficult for you than for anyone else? nope 2072. What are you grateful for? everything i have. 2073. What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? idk. 2074. Have you ever had dental surgery? no. 2075. At what point exactly are you grown up? when you  have bills and you feel like you’re drowning 2076. If there was a weight loss procedure that would destroy your ability to taste food so you wouldn’t be tempted by junk food, would you have it done? absolutely not 2077. What is one thing that happened that you never expected? finding someone i love who actually loves me back 2078. If you called one of your friends and they said “It’s nothing personal but I don’t want to talk to anyone right now,” would you take it personally? nah, i’ve had moments like that too so i can understand 2079. What is your favorite girl’s name? i don’t really have one 2080. Do you ever feel guilty for being more fortunate than others? not really. 2081. If you had to wear a shirt with one word on it for a year, what word would you choose? kok 2082. What is evian spelled backwards? naive 2083. You drop 10 pounds of feathers and a ten pound bowling ball off the top of the same building. Which will hit the ground first? they both weigh the same, sooo both 2084. Even though you may never get what you want, are you happy because you’re trying? yes 2085. If you started a petition what would it be about? idk. 2086. When was the last time you asked someone to do something and they said no? everytime i ask jack to do something he says no but does it anyways 2087. Do bad things happen to you on friday the 13th? not that i know of. 2088. What’s your favorite: Madonna song? - John Lennon song? - Michael Jackson song? billy jean Doors song? - Rolling Stones song? - David Bowie song?- Elvis song? cant help falling in love with you 2089. If you had started a relationship with someone and they said that it would be best if no one knew about it just to see how it goes, would you be offended? it depends ig but id feel like they just wanted to hide me 2090. Do you know any self defense? not really How about CPR? i know the concept of it but ive never really practiced or anything 2091. If you had to look into a mirror and see your naked soul stripped of all delusions and pretenses (Never ending Story style)could you handle it? maybe 2092. Are you a genius? no. 2093. How did you find out that Santa Clause wasn’t real? i got a letter from ‘him’ and the handwriting was the same as my dads 2094. Which is your favorite tarot card? i dont do that shit 2095. Does the internet separate people or connect them? both. 2096. Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? my brother and my sister and some of my friends when they were all in the military 2097. Does pain and fear make you feel alive? to a a certain degree 2098. Are you: good looking? yeah thin? no. happy? yes successful? not yet confident? for the most part 2099. Are you decisive or wishy washy? in between. 2100. Do you feel pop stars should be morally responsible to set a good example for their fans? it’s nice but they shouldn’t be obliged to.

[bakafox]

The Flute Player

Oh hey I found a thing I wrote for a college class back in ‘08 or so, and that I’ve always kind of liked. It’s a fictionalized bit of my life, names and some conversations/details changed around, and I maybe have posted it on LJ and DevArt and some other places, don’t think I ever did here before.

It’s the end of August, and my hair is green again. I’ve been swimming every day that I can get away with it back home, and the chlorine sticks no matter how much they make me wash my hair. There’s no pool here though, just a sprinkler to run through, which helps with the heat because Grandma’s house doesn’t have air conditioning. Grandma’s house doesn’t have a lot of things, no good TV stations, only a tiny radio that can’t play records or tapes, not much space when you get down to it, and just lately, no Grandma.

She’s in the hospital now, so we come almost every weekend to see her. It makes this little house feel funny when we stop off here. There’s no smell of baking clinging to the place, just a kind of blank, clean smell, with a little bit of the powdery scent in the bathroom, because the powder she uses after a bath there smells STRONG right through the bottle.

I miss the baking smell; it used to always smell like cookies, streudels, and kolaches when we’d visit her before . . . I miss the taste too, but mostly the smell really. And Grandma would smile and everyone else would smile, and we’d eat, and then I ‘d go run through the sprinkler with everyone watching, talking, and laughing.

Not so much laughing now either. A little from Aunt Mamie and Mom and Dad when we’re here, but not if my uncle is here too. Then there’s just polite conversation, pretty serious, or what I hate, the arguing about Grandma being in the hospital.

           None of that now, at least. I should have dried off more before coming in, because the creaky plastic on the couch is sticking to my bare legs, and it bugs me when I move around.

           I’m thinking of going back outside, where the roses smell sweet and the wandering Jew is deep purple against the green grass beneath the pecan and fruit trees. Or maybe into the store, just beside the house, where it smells like canned goods and dust, and there’s a humming freezer that might still have a soda or popsicle lurking inside.

I like the store, it’s just one little room and it feels like a playhouse sort of store, and real old fashioned, with the Big Red and Dr. Pepper still in glass bottles that pop and hiss when you use the bottle opener that’s bolted to the doorway. Sometimes I count the bottle caps that are there, or scoop them up and let them fall again, going clink, clink, clink.

And I wonder, if Grandma does die, what’s going to happen to the flute player?

There’s lots of plates in Grandma’s house. They’re all over the walls, with religious scenes or flowers, or other kinds of pictures on them. Since there’s never really much on TV I like to watch the plates instead, making up stories about what’s going on in them and pretending the pictures are moving. That’s what I’ve been doing right now from the squeaking couch.

I don’t like the way the plastic feels, but I do like the squeak, so I wiggle around a bit to hear it.

Anyways – the plates. They are part of what makes this place Grandma’s somehow, and I’ll miss them even more than the baking smell. Especially my favorite plate. The flute player.

She’s a beautiful woman, all outlined delicately in black and gold. She’s wearing a dress that’s red and blue, and all around her are these big flowers and small birds. It’s easy to pretend she’s moving, she’s dancing around as she plays, with her dress made of silk blowing around her. She’s totally unlike Grandma and everything in Grandma’s house – delicate, bright, and rich. Not even the quilts on Grandma’s bed or any of the other plates are as bright. The flute player makes everything else seem dull.

I love to watch her, like she’s just in a window to another part of the world.

I wonder where Grandma got her. I’ve never asked because I always forget to.

My uncle is coming over, so I’m going to pull on my jeans and go back outside. Dad’s hitching his belt up, so there’s probably going to be another fight, though somehow they don’t usually yell, which is weird because usually when Dad is mad he yells a lot.

Outside the roses are pink and red, and I touch their soft peals while avoiding their long thorns. I like to pull off a petal or two and crush them in my fingers, and smell them and feel them. And I pretend that I’m a ninja on the G.I. Joe team, beating up the bad guys as I move over the sidewalks and having adventures even better than in the cartoons. Inside, I hear Dad and Uncle Ken’s voices rising inside, and I try not to listen.

Sometimes I wonder if they ever really got along, for brothers.

In the sidewalk beneath me there’s old marbles pressed into the cement, and I pause to try digging one out, a milky cat’s eye. It probably won’t happen, they’re deep in the cement and have never come out any other times I’ve tried. I think Dad must have put them in there when he was little. I never bring them, but Grandma gave me a lot of marbles last year, some old milky white and orange ones, and a big bag of new ones, clear glass with twisted ribbons of color in the centers. I think I’d like to start collecting marbles, I pretend they’re diamonds and other gemstones for my toys.

“Amanda, it’s time to go see Grandma.”

They must finally be done fighting, since Mom’s calling me from by the front porch swing, and I go to hop in the car for the hospital. I stop to snap off a red rose for Grandma, and I’m glad I don’t get in trouble for doing it, though I do get a few pokes from the tiny thorns up near the flower, which aren’t really all that tiny, really.

It reminds me of the flute player’s flowers, but those aren’t roses, even though they’re pink and red. I’m not sure what they are, but I bet they smell pretty too.

I read in the car, it never makes me sic to; besides the ride is short since it’s a small town. I only get another chapter done, and the car stays pretty hot. The hospital itself is nice and cool though, smelling like cleaners, floor wax, and cafeteria food when you walk in the main doors. It’s not quite as bright as outside, but the lights do glare on the polished floors and stainless steel.

Grandma’s room smells a little different somehow than the rest of the hospital. A bit like flowers from all the ones people have brought her, but there’s a smell that to me smells like “old” too. Or maybe just “sick.” It’s kind of dried out but sticky too, and it lingers around in spite of all the flowers.

As for Grandma she looks too pale, and there’s tubes and things all stuck in her, and her breathing is a little raspy – you can hear it. I was a little scared of the way she looked with everything stuck in her once, but I’ve gotten used to it. It’s just hospital stuff, to help her, and really I don’t even notice it much. But I do notice how she looks kind of thin and a lot older than last time we came.

Delicate, like the flute player, but not in as pretty a way.

She still smiles a little to see us though, and I can sort of half hug her around a shoulder.

“I brought you a rose.”

“Thank you, dear.”

And I tell her I’m doing well in school, which isn’t totally true, but at least my grades really are good. And I tell her I have lots of friends too, which is a lie, but the kind people like to hear. And mom and Dad tell her they’re doing well too, and they talk more but I don’t know what to say, really, until they mention our last trip to the zoo , and then I can join in and talk about feeding the bears and monkeys and how I got a neat wax figure of a bear . . . but it’s not too long before Grandma is snoring softly, and we are going down to the cafeteria for a bit of lunch. The food is OK. It reminds me of a Luby’s and the JELLO is lime green and different from what I’ve had before. I kind of like it, though it’s not my favorite – I like purple JELLO better.

And now it’s time for the ride home, which goes on until after dark, when I can’t read anymore because I’m not allowed to use the ceiling light. So I fall asleep in the car, thinking of roses and flute players and dying Grandmas.

Because I know she’s dying though no one’s really TOLD me anything other than that she’s sick. But I’ve heard Dad and my uncle arguing about where she should die, at the hospital or at her house, and today she wasn’t awake long at all, and she was very quiet.

I’m not sure I’m supposed to know, so I haven’t said anything to them either.

 It’s probably very bad that I’m glad the funeral is happening on a school day. I’m getting to take the whole week away from St. Pius for it, and to visit with family and things like that. Maybe Grandma understands, where she is now, I don’t think anyone else does.

I’m not glad Grandma is dead, and I’ve cried about it, but she’s gone to Heaven, and I heard them saying she was really hurting, so it’s good that it’s over. I’m going to miss her, and I wonder what’s going to happen to her house and store. And I wonder what will happen to the flute player, and other things in her house.

I didn’t really know we had so many relatives here either – there’s cousins and second cousins and third cousins and probably fourth cousins everywhere, plus great aunts and great uncles I’ve seen only a couple of times before. I don’t get much time to be myself and think about things, and the cemetery seems too crowded and noisy in a whispering way. They’re burying her next to Grandpa, and I’ve got some roses to put on the grave whenever they’re finished.

 So we’re at Grandma’s again, and they’re talking about who wants what. I’ve been waiting for them to ask me what I want. Maybe I should just say something because the plate is still on the wall and I keep looking at it. There’s other things I love in the house too, but I really want the plate, with its garden and beautiful woman.

“I want the flute player plate.”

I get Those Looks from them, maybe because I interrupted but maybe because of what I’ve said, too.      

“You’ll get some jewelry and her sewing machine when you’re old enough for them,” says Uncle Ken, and everyone nods. I guess I’m looking greedy now, because I say it again.

“I want the flute player too. It’s my favorite thing.” And then, because it’s the right thing to say, “Please?”

“You’re too young to really understand what you’re asking,” and this seems to be agreed on. Maybe I am too young because I don’t see a problem with me having the plate. I’m not going to break it.

“Why am I too young? I want the flute player.”

“You’ll just break it, it’s fragile. That’s why you won’t get the jewelry until you’re older too.”

Sometimes I think I’m never going to be forgiven for breaking that hand mirror of Grandma’s last year, that had the painting of the lady on a swing on the back of it. Even I kind of still get mad at myself. But I’m older now, and I know I won’t hurt the flute player.

 “I won’t break it, it will be on my wall. I’m not going to play with it, I promise.”

 They act like I’m throwing a tantrum, and I feel like I might start crying. It’s always been MY plate, they just don’t know it, and if I say it they’ll probably get mad.

“Please, I want the plate.”

“I suppose she can have a plate or two . . . ” (and I want to hug Aunt Margie for saying this!)

My parents are agreeing now too, so it’s just my uncles, and it seems to take FOREVER for them to agree. I don’t get why I’m too little to get just one plate, there’s so many more plates they can still have.

“All right, maybe three plates,” Uncle Ken says, and he seems to be the final person.

I only needed the one, but I get my flute player, and the Last Supper, and a parakeet plate that the bird sticks out of. My three favorite plates! And the old pedal sewing machine that Grandma made her quilts on, with its little drawers full of thread and buttons, and later on I’ll get some of her pins with the rhinestones all over.

I also get a couple of her old hats . . . and I’m not going to tell my uncles or aunt, but I’m going to play with them, and maybe the pins if mom lets me, whenever I play dress up.

But I’ll keep my promise about the plate; I’m not sure how exactly I’d play with it anyways. It’s going to go on my wall where I can watch the flute player dance and the birds fly through the garden, and I can smell the flowers and remember Grandma’s roses which are sweet outside of her house. And remember grandma too, even if she never was so colorful on the outside, and only delicate after she got sick.

And since I’m going to get my plate, I’m going to go one last time into her little store, with its dust and canned goods, and play on the sidewalks surrounded by roses and wandering Jew, listening to cicadas.

.Maybe pretending I’m a flute player myself, until I get tired of being delicate and decide to be a ninja again too.

[jheaton416]

Ace and Sep’s Greatest Hits

With Sad Hands and heavy hearts we bid farewell to Ace and Sep's Buffy recaps...  

"I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world who has the power to stop me now." Just then the Hubris Police step in in the form of Rupert Giles and throw a bolt of green energy at Willow, knocking her clear across the room. "I'd like to test that theory," says Giles, all tall and authoritative. Oh, Giles! Hi! I missed you so much this season! We have so much catching up to do! Let's see. I just finished my finals, and I think I did rather well. And I met a very nice boy who just happens to live in England, so when I'm over there this summer, if you wanna hang out or something just let me know. I gotta hand this over to Ace now, but... call me!

Sep, "Two to Go"

Sep: So there I was. At Trader Joe's, and boom. No Booty to be had. And you know my dedication to all things snack.  Ace: I feel your pain. The other night I was at TJ's and they had all these different kinds of Booty from Fruit Booty to Vegetable Booty, but not the Booty that I wanted.  Sep: Yargh. That blows.  Ace: Snerk. So anyway. Ash asked me if I wanted to get one of the other varieties, but I just felt that if I couldn't have the Booty that I wanted, it was better to have no Booty at all.  Sep: Dude. That's deep. And also would have saved me much pain and humiliation in my early twenties.  

There are tiny colonies of single-celled life at the bottom of deep fissures in the sea using their cilia to tell each other, "Buffy used Spike." Can we please move on?

Sep, "Never Leave Me"  

Ecch, I hear a noise like forty cats being squeezed too hard around their middles. Turns out it's Cordelia singing "The Greatest Love of All."

- Ace, "The Puppet Show"  

i dont have time to read all theze post but did u hear what happens in the finale? every vamp and demon that buffy has ever kiled is rezrected and they all sing at spike and angles WEDDING!!!! OMG!!! laterz Sep (Go on. Ban me. I dare you.)

Sep, in the forums  

Aw, Willow is wearing shorts and showing more Willow-leg than I believe we've ever seen. What a cutie. ... Giles finally pipes up that he's sorry he missed the encounter, but he actually sounds like he's sorry these damn kids won't leave him alone so he can pour himself a nice single-malt Scotch and watch that Letty The Lusty Librarian tape he has hidden in his nightstand. ... Dracula wears a sweater vest? Well, I guess that answers the age-old question: "What does Dracula wear under his cape?" Or was that Scotsmen? Who does he think he is anyway, Chandler Bing? ... I would like to point out that Spacky is wearing more eye makeup than the entire female cast combined.

Ace, "Buffy vs. Dracula"  

Credits. Who does James Marsters have to sleep with to be billed before Michelle Trachtenberg and Emma Caulfield? Ooh! Please let it be me. C'mon, if y'all give me James I won't ask for anything else for my birthday or Christmas. What? It worked when I was ten. ... Look! Xander is using a skill! Effectively! As he's building shelves for Giles, I notice that he's attired in jeans and a plain long-sleeved shirt. It looks like after his other half fell into the Gap, he managed to climb out with a basic grasp on the matching theory.

Sep, "Out of My Mind"  

I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I love the 'Bot; I really, really do. She's so cute and happy and chirpy and I just know reanimated Buffy is going to be an angst-y pained ball of angst just like she was all last season, and sometimes I wish we could just replace her with the robot permanently. Especially if she keeps making jokes about marzipan.

Ace, "Bargaining I"  

Damn, Marc Blucas makes James Marsters look like a tiny, tiny man. After last week's showcase it's sad, but also amusing, to see Spike reduced to an elfin laundry-stalker.

Sep, "Shadow"  

WARNING: Contents may have shifted during shipping. Oops, that's the wrong warning. The warning is this: This recap contains opinions.

Ace, "Tabula Rasa"  

Evil Dead eh? I'm just going to take that as a shout-out to me and my Evil Dead t-shirt that I ordered out of the Fangoria (shut up) catalog twelve years ago and have been wearing consistently ever since. David Fury must have seen me in it or something. ... Buffy notices Ben sitting somewhere else and goes over to talk to him. Oh GREAT. You know how, whenever there's an outbreak of some sort of nasty infectious disease, during the news reports they often retrace the path of the virus on a map? Well, that's what my mind is doing with Ben right about now. First I only had to live in fear during the hospital scenes. But then he leached into the hospital parking lot. And now that he's just showing up at the Bronze all willy-nilly, he could just ooze on down the road anywhere his little slime trail will take him. Curses. Greasy Intern Ben is spreading. I wonder what his vector of infection is?

Sep, "Crush"  

Tough Love - Or, "The Unedited Buffy You Never Wanted To See." Buffy routes paperwork. Buffy repairs an appliance. Buffy folds laundry. Buffy goes to a parent-teacher conference. Dawn does homework. Dawn does homework some more. Glory practices personal hygiene. The recapper props her eyelids open with spork tines. To spice things up a little, Giles goes all Ripper, Tara goes all Forrest Gump, and Willow goes all Fairuza Balk. The recapper falls asleep and drools on her cat.

Ace, "Tough Love" recaplet  

Spike stumbles, bloody, bruised, and wild-eyed, down the hall to the elevator, and if I weren't a fan of this show and were just flipping by I might think it was a clip from a Behind the Music on Billy Idol.

Sep, "Intervention"  

...Marci needs to find "the key."  ...Darcy or Shannon or whatever her name is  ...Sheila or Lisa or whoever 

Sep describing Glory before her name was revealed, "Family"  

...the guy, who I've decided to call Gee Dub McChoad for no reason whatsoever...

Sep describing Tara's brother, "Family"  

Willow screams, 'Noooooooo,' and a rippling force shoots out of her mouth and zaps Osiris, who vanishes. Oh, the heartbreak of halitosis!

Ace, "Villains"  

My roommate brought home a big pile of Marshmallow Peeps from a post-Easter sale. I took one look at them and screeched, "Peeps show!" before grabbing one, winging it into the microwave, and making "Bamp-chicka-bow-wow" noises while watching the Peep swell and undulate in the microwave. Try it. It's fun. Also, I have in my notes from the first airing of this episode, "Dawn no like monkey-brain marshmallows." I think I'll just leave that in. You'll either find it as amusing as I do or marvel at my illiteracy.

Sep, "Conversations With Dead People"  

Willow incants more at the effigy (who looks like she's ready for a doctor to check her tonsils) and then sends green energy blobs shooting out of her breasts towards Santa's Phallus. It's a lesbian thing -- you wouldn't understand.

Ace, "Grave"  

Cut to Xander chaining Spike up in the basement of Casa Summers. Dawn, Buffy, Wood, Giles, Willow, the UN Security council, three random passersby, and a small hedgehog are all in attendance. Okay, not really, but seriously. The number of people present for this is way unnecessary. Giles, Willow and Buffy will perform the spell. Xander, Dawn and Wood will distribute small snacks and throw Jujubes at Spike's head. ... Spike's mum tells him that he "needs a woman in [his] life." He replies that he does have a woman in his life. She is momentarily taken in, but then realizes that William has some really serious Oedipal issues. Victorian etiquette dictates that it would be in poor taste to mention this, so she pretends to be flattered. He promises to always look after her, but she has a coughing fit, hoping to die and escape her creepy son. Knowing that Spike's women-paragon obsession thing in which he defines himself and his moral center by the dominant female figure in his life started back when Spike was human, and has continued until the present day, really makes me realize how pathetic a creature he truly is. You'd think that after the first hundred years he might have self-actualized or something.

Sep, "Lies My Parents Told Me"  

Let me amend that. It's a long, thick, snake-like demon with a head shaped just like a penis, that squeals at Buffy and then sprays liquid out of its mouth and onto her. Just think about that for a minute.

Ace, "Doublemeat Palace"  

At the Pub the Chuckleheads are sitting around a table strewn with empty beer pitchers, randomly slapping and picking nits off of each other. One of them is trying to remove his shirt but gets his head stuck in it. I can sympathize with him. I've done that -- sober.

Sep, "Beer Bad"  

Rack is creepy. Then about ten more anvils crash into my room, followed by a minor deluge of cow pies as we launch into a trippy-druggy sequence the likes of which has not been seen since The Trip and Psych-Out.

Ace, "Wrecked"  

Willow is wearing what Ace called a poncho, but I think looks more like a tube with no armholes. If anyone remembers the commercial for the plastic device that enabled you to turn a crank and produce miles upon miles of useful and fashionable yarn tubing, well, it looks like that. Either that, or Willow took up knitting but hasn't figured out the secret to sleeves yet. Patrolling against vampires and other night-haunting demons with your arms bound to your sides by an acrylic strait-jacket doesn't seem like a wise move, but what do I know about fashion? Oh, that's right -- a lot more than Willow, obviously.

Sep, "Something Blue"  

Suddenly, my TV screen fills up with a bunch of monkeys, all dressed up in platform sandals, cunning frocks, feather boas, and mascara. They form a menacing circle around Dawn. I think they're all guy monkeys, but y'know, it's a little hard to tell with the simians.

Ace, "Potential"  

It's Cruella D'Will. Heh. That's why she flayed Warren last week. She's making a coat out of him. Man, how much cooler would this episode be if Willow pranced around singing, 'See my vest! See my vest! It was once Warren's chest!' ... This is a test of the Emergency Snorecast System. Everything operational.

Sep, "Two to Go"  

Sunny Valley, Arizona Ace, a beautiful, brainy, and brilliant recapper for TWoP, that world-famous website and recipient of three Nobel Prizes for Internet Criticism, piloted her pink bubble-shaped hovercraft to the landing strip on the roof of her lux penthouse apartment. Slim and clad entirely in her everyday garb of form-fitting leather, she headed quickly to her Operations Control room, stopping only to scratch the chin of her almost-sentient leopard, Francesca. "Follow me, little one," Ace purred to her feline companion, "for tonight we view a new Buffy!" In Operations Control, Ace flung her shapely form onto the low designer sofa and thumbed the remote to her wall-sized liquid television. As the episode progressed, Francesca began to pace the room in agitation, for she had never before seen her merry human companion in such distress. Ace's perfectly manicured nails caressed her flawless face as she murmured, "How will I recap an episode so sorely lacking in plot? An episode that consists mostly of Andrew's fantasies and stolen videotaped vignettes of the Scooby gang? Without a narrative structure to follow, at what point should I mention the disturbing basement sex of the un-reunited Xander and Anya, or the empty and unsatisfying riot occurring at Sunnydale High?" Finally, Ace knelt, and attractively wept into the silken tawny fur of Francesca, "I face my greatest challenge ever! Just as the tears of repentant Andrew closed the Seal of Danzig in the school basement forever, so do my hot tears of rage seal my unrepentant loathing of this season!" Los Angeles, CA The evil genius Jane Espenson cackled evilly as she polished her six-inch chrome stilettos and flipped her shiny titian hair. Whirling menacingly in her secret headquarters beneath Reseda, she flipped open her tiny red Mobicom and hit speed-dial. Upon hearing a voice on the other end of the line, Jane leered and snapped out, "Hello, Joss? I think we've broken Ace already. The tears are the beginning of the end. That'll teach her to complain about Andrew's poor grasp on reality!"

Ace, "Storyteller" recaplet  

The Knights are gonna get the Key, toniiiight! The Scoobies drive a big RV, toniiiight! This year, the minutes seemed like hours The arc progressed so slowly And still no end in siiiight!

Sep, "Spiral" recaplet  

Xander gets snide about what a "simple" decision this must be for Buffy and then leaps up, snarling, "You know, if there's a mass-murdering demon that you're, oh, say, boning, then it's all gray area." Hee -- go Xander! I'm not really taking sides in this argument because I think both Buffy and Xander are both right and wrong here, but I really think it needed to be said that Buffy totally put aside all her Slayer standards in order ride Spike's man-pole, and she's never really admitted that to or faced it as far as I can tell. She's mumbled about how it was bad for her, but never seemed to realize what a betrayal of her calling it was. Buffy wins The Lame Comeback Of The Century Award when her only reply is that Spike is "harmless." Harmless except for the whole part where he could and did harm you, Buffy. Nice self-preservation instincts there, honey. Let's kill Anya because she could hurt men. Let's not kill Spike because he can only hurt Buffy. Uh, where was I?

Ace, "Selfless"  

This whole Spike with Buffy thing? My fault. When Angel was on the show, I hated every second of him and his dazed "you can tell I have a soul because I look like I just walked into a tree" method of acting. (Angelus was a different story. A cooler story that didn't spend so much time whining and moping.) Then, when he left, it was like light pouring in through the heavens. I was excited. Happy. I had a new lease on life. I thought, "No matter what, Buffy's next boyfriend won't be so bad." Enter Riley. Riley with his potato nose, thinly-veiled chauvinism, and women issues. And so it was, until it came to pass that Riley endeth. And lo! Happiness reigned far and wide across the land (defined as my apartment), there was much rejoicing, and it was good. Again, I foolishly allowed myself to be confident that this had been the worst. Surely Buffy's next boyfriend...

Sep, "Two to Go"  

ASH is really giving a killer performance here. I wonder how many takes it took for him to stop laughing. His singing sounds very soulful and I'm convinced it's his own voice, just very badly synched. Maybe the sound crew had to work overtime on all the Buffy/Riley moaning and ran out of time for the important things. Bad prioritization, guys. For a whole week following this episode, my poor cat is tortured by me following her around the house and bellowing, "No ooooone knows what it's liiiiike/Toooooo be the baaaad cat/Tooooo be the saaaad cat/Behind blue eeeeeyeees." I swear, one of these days she's going to lose her patience, pack her little kitty suitcase and leave. Well, at least I don't make her watch The Others with me anymore.

Ace, "Where the Wild Things Are"  

Luke is chanting, "The Sleeper will wake and the world will bleed. Amen!" Because vampires are such religious creatures. Don't you remember that one heartwarming episode they had when they showed them all going to church? Sure, they wanted to eat the rest of the congregation, but as long as they're worshipping in Glen Oak with the Camdens I really don't have a problem with that.

Sep, "Welcome to the Hellmouth"  

D'Hoffryn introduced himself, and Aud replies, "I am Aud." Hee. That's a funny pun. You know that saying that goes, "Puns are the lowest form of humor"? That always confused me. I mean, I wondered who decided that, and what the highest form of humor was, and why the phrase always seemed to be uttered only by the very humorless, who wouldn't seem qualified to judge. Anyway, this is 2002, and the saying is obviously obsolete. It comes from an older era. An era before the fart joke. Fart jokes are quite clearly the lowest form of humor, and I suggest that we petition the correct powers that be to have the saying updated for modern times. ["The lowest, and yet consistently the most reliable. Hee. Farts." -- Sars]

Ace, "Selfless"  

Willow and Buffy walk up the steps to school, and Xander catches up with them. I'm sorry that I can't recap their conversation, but I'm sure you'll understand once I tell you about Xander's red and moldy green-gray sweater paired with brown and yellow plaid pants. As if that combination wasn't horrific enough on its own, Willow is wearing an orange and yellow striped fleece shirt. It's at times like this that I wish I were blind -- just like the wardrobe people.

Sep, "Passion"  

Ace: "I don't know why Buffy was all surprised when Spike tried to kiss her. That's what you do at the end of a date and drinking, dinner, and pool all add up to a date." Sep: "It totally was a date. My last date ended exactly the same way. Someone threw a wad of cash at someone else, the words, 'You're beneath me' were uttered, and one of us was left crying alone in an alley." Ace: "You've got to be kidding me." Sep: "Actually I am. My last date ended with me threatening my beau with a spork."

Ace and Sep, "Fool for Love"