#never allowed to talk to strangers or people I didn't go to school with

[thornsent]

I had a longer rant intended to go with this but the tldr is if actual adults also are playing these games there is a better chance of predation going down, I think, bc it is our obligation to look out for kids.

you have websites and communities with basically nothing but children, run on content generated by kids, and with actual moderation that do not give much a shit beyond making a quick buck. but if people who give a shit are present even just as a userbase I feel like that would Change Things Somewhat

the fact that smartschoolboy9 is/was a meme on there just baffles me. why was that ever allowed. I know growing up we had pedobear n shit but at least that was a cartoon and not a real life predator?

and also it's kind of just fucked up and insane how we've flattened "adult liking thing meant for all/younger audiences"/adult liking thing meant for younger audience" into a sign of being a child predator. I think driving adults away from those things and reducing the amount of social contact between adults and minors in general is not good and doesn't prevent bad actors from coming in it just makes you feel so much more special as the victim when they get in. and that is worse.

idk man I've been playing like, a LOT of roblox lately (I know. I know.) and I block and report and watch like a fucking hawk for people being weird to kids.

[thinkinonsense]

TALK, TALK₊˚⊹ ʚɞ

logan howlett x mutant!reader

cw: fluff, sweet logan

a/n: inspired by the charli xcx song<3 everything in spanish and french is from google translate so if it's incorrect, that why.

you were no stranger to crushes. they always showed up out of the blue; you couldn't help it. all it took was one glance, a smile, a bit of small talk, anything really. none of this changed when he entered your life.

maybe cupid had struck you in the ass at some point.

for weeks, everyone in the mansion knew where your feelings had floated. normally, you try not to develop any crushes on the people you see daily but this guy was different. even sort of dangerous; the thrill excited you.

"you don't understand, storm." you groan, helping her train downstairs. "there's just something about him. i can't explain it."

your dear friend laughs, swinging at the boxing bag again. "i'm not saying not to go after him... just be careful is all."

"well, there's nothing to worry about because he hasn't even talked to me." a small sigh escapes you.

"he hasn't talked to you?" she questions. you shake your head. "that's odd. i wonder why not?"

"well, he keeps to himself." you shrug, thinking of excuses besides the fact that he likely doesn't share the same feelings you do.

"hm... have you tried talking to him?"

"nooo." you giggle nervously. "absolutely not! you know how i get when i actually have to talk to people i have crushes on."

"i know." storm joins in on your laughter. "it's like someone set you on top of a stove; you just start melting."

"it all comes out like, 'blah, blah, blah'."

"you never know, maybe he speaks 'blah, blah, blah' too."

little did storm know that her words would linger around in your head every time you see him.

₊˚⊹ ʚɞ

obliviousness was not a trait logan had. he noticed everything; whether he liked it or not. in this case, he didn't mind noticing everything about you.

it started when he saw a shadow following him to the cafeteria, down the hall, and to the training room. he tried to be polite and ignore it; too afraid to scare you off entirely.

a couple days after your talk with storm, charles sent the older mutants out on a mission. this included storm, scott, logan, and yourself. upon the return, all of the older mutants gathered in the kitchen to unwind. you, storm, and kurt sat together at the table. the two of them bickered back and forth about something silly that happened during the mission.

it wasn't fair how good logan looked during the mission. the tight black spandex did wonders for his form. it felt like some high school crush. butterfly's always in your stomach when he looks at you.

on the other side of the room, logan sat in a wooden chair next to hank, with a cigar dangling from his lips. it must've felt like you were burning holes into the side of his head. even storm had to nudge you to look away from him, telling you to stop giving him 'heart eyes'.

"think someone's got a crush on you, pal." hank teases logan. "heard she's been waiting for you to talk to her."

you looked pretty, sitting at the table with a slight red stain on the inside of your lips, matching the flush of red on your cheeks when you notice him catching you staring. logan couldn't think of anything that compare to the ethereal sight before him.

₊˚⊹ ʚɞ

the glass of red wine on your hand was now empty, allowing you to excuse yourself from their conversation for a moment. at the counter, you pour yourself another glass; finishing off the bottle. when you turn to toss the bottle in the trash, you bump into someone.

"s-sorry." you squeal before realizing that it was logan that you bumped into.

"no need to apologize." he assures.

one of logan's big wide palms places itself on your waist, helping keep you upright. all of the wine flooded your mind, unable to form a proper sentence.

"dios mío, eres tan hermoso." you ramble drunkenly shooting stars from your eyes.

*oh my god, you're so gorgeous.

logan couldn't be more confused by your suddenly language switch but he found it awfully amusing. it wasn't a total surprise, he knew you were incredibly intelligent. charles always sang your praises. if you were even a little bit sober right now, you would be mortified.

"whatcha' thinking about, sweetheart?" he smirks, loving how flustered you became.

little did you know, the 200 year old mutant has definitely picked up on some different languages over his lifetime. to logan it didn't even matter whether or not he understood what you meant, he just wanted you to keep talking.

"je veux embrasser ton joli visage." your tongue runs over your bottom lip.

*wanna kiss your pretty face.

"hm... tell me more." logan purrs into your ear. completely forgetting about everyone else in the room.

"he estado enamorado de ti durante meses, ¿sabes?"

*i've had a crush on you for months, you know?

"je pense à toi tous les jours." you step closer, drunk with confidence. "pendant les entraînements, en mission, seule au lit... tout le temps."

*i think about you everyday. during training, on missions, alone in bed... all the time.

"such a smart girl, aren't 'cha, honey?" he groans softly at your words.

it took everything in logan not to kiss you right here, right now. he wanted you to remember the first time he kissed you.

"je veux être ta copine, logan." you whisper in his ear.

*wanna be your girl, logan.

"¿puedes guardar mi secreto?"

*can you keep my secret?

he never wanted you to stop talking; loving every word that falls from your foreign lips.

it wasn't long until storm, pulls you away hoping she caught you before you said anything you would regret. logan didn't mind, too excited to see you in the morning.

₊˚⊹ ʚɞ

when you woke up, your head was pounding. nothing worse than a wine hangover. you couldn't remember anything after jean poured you a third glass of wine. you took two aspirins and laid in bed for an extra hour before you finally made it downstairs for breakfast.

logan smelled your lavender scented shampoo the second you stepped out of your room. he had been downstairs waiting for you. everyone had already started their day, off either teaching or training. not him though, he had different plans for his day.

"morning." logan said to you as you walked into the kitchen. your heart fluttered, he could hear it.

"good morning." you reply meekly as you grab a plate and some utensils.

he sips on his plain black coffee while you place two waffles and some fruit onto your plate. theres a small stack of books next to logan on the table but you don't give it a second glance.

"wanna sit?" he asks you.

this was a completely different side of logan compared to the usually grumpy version of him that everyone sees.

"sure."

"did you have fun last night?"

he needed to test the waters on what you remember. by the late arrival to breakfast, logan's guess was not much.

"would you believe me if i said that i can't remember much?" you giggle nervously as you bite into a strawberry. "i was probably being boring in some corner."

you couldn't have been more wrong, logan thinks to himself. the two of you have some small talk for a while, enjoying each others company. this wasn't helping your crush from spreading.

once you cleared your plate and logan finished his coffee, both of you get up to place your dishes into the sink when you noticed the books in logan's hands. one spine read 'beginners guide to french' and the other read 'spanish for dummies'.

in a flash, everything came hurtling back at you full speed. this wasn't yours and logan's first conversation alone together.

"¿Qué pasa cariño?" logan asks, voice filled with desire as he cages you against the sink. his lips ghosted over your own; tempting you beyond your strengths. "je pensais que tu voulais que je te parle ?"

*what's wrong, sweetheart?

*i thought you wanted me to talk to you?

"et merde." you whisper before pulling on the collar of his flannel, smashing his lips into yours.

*fuck it.

the sheer taste of the other drove both of you insane. the mix of logan's coffee and tobacco contrasting with your sweet syrup and fruity taste was intoxicating. you pull back, needing to catch your breath. logan's lips moved south, sucking a dark purple bruise on your pulse point.

"better than i imaged." logan groans, obsessed with your every being.

"imagine si tu m'avais parlé plus tôt ?" you wink down at him.

*imagine if you had talked to me sooner?

logan chuckles, bending to pick you up. "love that mouth of yours, sweetheart. lets see what other languages it speaks."

[ynsvnte]

Maybe not so bad at all ! — Sim Jaeyun

Genre: smut (18+ MDNI!!), college, frat party, strangers to fwb, drabble

Word count: 1.4k

Warnings: swearing, kissing, pet names, begging, fingering, p in v, creampie, teasing

Pairing: jock!jake x fem!reader

Masterlist

“Well..well..who do we have here?” You heard a voice behind you causing you to turn around and face this person. But once you saw them. You wished you never turned around. Jake, of the school's infamous jock. Known for fucking really good. But you otherwise don’t believe so. Was it because you didn’t want your ego to be hurt in the slightest? Maybe. He is hot. There’s no denying It’s a fact, everyone can see that he is and is very good looking that’s why he can get he wants. Here’s the odd thing about him.

Despite his reputation off being the jock, and being a good fuck. He’s never dated anyone.. Maybe he likes someone? Or he’s just too scared. Rumors about his relationship status always were a thing. Jake never seems to even bother to address them. Just allowing them to still live even in your final years of college. So it was no surprise to see Jake at the party. But have him approach you? Hell yeah. You’ve only made one interaction with him which was why back in freshman year of college. It has been years since you even said a word to him.

“Oh hey..” you say awkwardly, hoping that he’ll leave you alone. “So what brings you here yn?” Wait, he still knows you… How? “How do you know my name..?” You said softly but surprised. “Since our freshman year…” Of course..what else would it be. “Oh that..” Jake laughed at you. Teasing you “Seems you remember that too..”

“Don’t think you’re special..” you looked at him sternly, taking a sip from your drink and set it down onto the counter. “Whatever you say..” you rolled your eyes. You looked around, still feeling his eyes on you..you made eye contact with him, and raised an eyebrow. “Need something..?” Jake only shook his head before speaking, “No. just wanted to talk to you..” Talk to you? For what reason? “And why is that?” You were not even more curious.. “No reason..can’t a guy just talk to a girl with no harsh intentions.” Whatever.. but you felt deep down that he wanted something out of you.. “you sure?” You felt like a detective with all these questions you were asking him.. He only sighed.. “I’m sure..” You could barely hear each so shouting was the best choice.. “Wanna go somewhere more peaceful?” You could hear Jake’s voice. You only nodded your head before Jake dragged you outside into the backyard where they’re were quite a few people, but way less than inside. You stand there awkwardly before finding a spot to sit down at… “You know..” you started off by saying..looking at him directly into his eyes.. “I wouldn’t mind..” Gosh your drink was taking a toll on your behavior. “Wouldn’t mind what?”

“Wouldn’t mind if you wanted to do something to me?” “And what is that something..?” “You fucking me..” Jake's face was in disbelief..He finds you hot..he lied when he said he didn't want something out of you. “Are you sure about this?” He asked. “I’m more than sure..but wouldn’t we need more of a private place..to you know…fuck me..” “I also heard you’re really good it it too..” you added while giggling.. “Shall we test that rumor out..” You nodded your head before Jake grabbed you hand and took you back inside. Heading upstairs..he finds an empty bedroom and shoves you inside, locking to the door behind him. Jake grabs you and pushes you into the bed before kissing you.

You had to say his lips were plump and felt perfect against yours. The sexual tension was already high..and now probably even higher. “Fuck..” Jake said under his breath..your lips felt amazing against his. “Let me just—“ Jake pulls away from your lips causing you to whine at the loss of feeling of his lips. Jake grabs the bottom of your shirt and lifts it off you. “Like what you see?” You tease.. “Like it? I love it..” Jake continues to kiss you harshly. Both of you are moaning into each other's lips. “How about we make it even?” Jake says before taking off his own shirt. He grabbed your hands off pinning them above your head. Now you have nowhere to go. You wrapped your legs around his waist keeping him close to you. Feeling his hard on. You started to grind on him, which made him let a groan as he started kissing your neck.. “Don’t do that..” He warned you. “And why?” You asked, looking at him innocently. “Maybe since I don’t wanna come inside my pants and rather inside of you…” His words made you clench around nothing m, but Jake noticed this and smirked.. “So you want me to come inside of you..” You nodded your head shyly.. “Use your words princess. Don’t you wanna be a good girl..?” He continues to tease you.. you wish you get rid of his sexy smirk on his face but opted out for the safer choice. Not that you had much of a choice in the first place..

“Y-yes..I like it..” You said softly, slightly embarrassed. “There you go..” Jake praised you. He began removing the rest of your clothes leaving you bare naked in front of him. “You look so pretty..all for me..and only me..” you whimper, waiting for him to do something. Jake starts teasing your clit by grazing his finger, but not putting it inside yet. “Jake please” you begged. “Please what..?” He asked, looking up at your face. “Just hurry please. Put it inside..pretty please..” You were desperate to get his fingers inside of you. Who knew this would happen one day. You under Jake, begging him to finger you. Jake compiled and slowly began to insert one finger. His thick finger making its way inside of you. You moan at the sensation.

“Mhm..feels so good.” One of Jake’s hands still held onto both of your hands. Jake began to finger you at a slow pace until you begged him to go faster. “Jake faster please—oh fuck..yeah..” He was going at a constant pace. You were becoming a dumb mess just by being fingered. Both of you are so glad it’s loud outside or else everyone would’ve heard how loud you were. You can feel yourself getting closer and closer.. “Jake bout-to-come..” you say through your moans. Your legs began to shake a bit. “That’s it, come for me. Come for me like that good little girl you are.” And just like that. You came all over his finger. He was riding your high out as you were breathing hard for air. He lets go of your hands and back ups. The room went quiet before Jake spoke up..

“Don’t you think I deserve something too..?” You open your eyes to see Jake naked now. Your eyes slightly widened when you saw him for the first time. Guess they weren’t really lying. “Let’s test the theory shall we?” Jake climbed on top of you. Cock lying right on top of you before aligning his tip to your entrance.. with one shove he’s inside. “Ha—Jake..too big..” you say grabbing him by his arms.. “Shhh…it’s okay..I’ll let you get adjusted, don't worry..” He waited for your walls to get used to his size. “Ready?” He asked once he felt you fully relaxed.. you nodded your head saying “yeah..” Jake pulled out before going back in. Both moaning at the feeling of each other. Minutes went by and Jake thrusts only got faster. How can you feel so good? You looked down and saw where you and Jake are connected. You see a small bulge forming. Seeing how he exits and re-enters.

“Princess..so so close..want to come together..please..?” Jake whispered into your ear to which you agreed. You both are not far from coming.. a few seconds later. “So close..fuck..coming..” Jake said at last before you feel his cum enter you which triggers your own orgasm. Jake kisses your quiet down your moans a bit. Sweaty bodies against each other. Jake pulls away from the kiss and lays next to you..

“So do I fuck good?”

“Yeah maybe you’re not so bad at all..” you said, turning your head, facing Jake. To your surprise he was already looking at you.. “Well, let's clean up,” He suggested. You get up and change back into your clothes. You can still feel both your and his cum inside you.

“Oh and by the way give me your number after the party is over..” Jake asked before you left the room.. You smiled.. kissing his cheeks. “Of course”

Author’s Note: I wrote this in so many places in the car, bed, class. I was really trying to get this out and soo um this is it. 11 pm rn but that’s okay. Night owl things (let me stfu)

© ynsvnte copyright 2024

[silentglassbreak]

hi bestie is it too late to request? you said you liked writing angst, well, i love reading it 💔💔painfully unrequited love!!!!! gimme gimme

friends with benefits with (overly affectionate!!!!) Noah and reader who falls sick to her stomach head over heels in love with him. blurring the lines between sex and love.

going to a bad omens concert however long after and it’s like they’re strangers oOF rip my heart out and stomp on it idc. been listening to Novocaine on a loop all day. i’m not okay

feel to totally disregard if you’re not feeling it angel <33 thank you bby I love your writing 🥺🥺

Angst............. UGH I've been WAITING babes. My goal is to rip your heart out...fair fucking warning. MMMLOVEYOUUUUU. After Writing Notes: I'm the actual worst. I hope you don't hate it!

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: smut, heartbreak, lots and lots of angst

Can You Feel My Heart

Love languages are such a strange concept, aren't they? That seems to be a fairly new idea that someone came up with in the last decade or so?

If you like to buy love...your love language is gifting.

If you can't communicate well...your love language is affection.

If the only way you know how to show feelings is with sex...your love language is intimacy.

At what point are we allowed to call someone out for being a dick? At what point are we allowed to confront the fact that someone is skipping around the idea of commitment, and ask them to just admit what they really want?

This wasn't the first time these thoughts had danced around my head, in the wee hours of the morning, while Noah's arm laid heavy across my waist, him snoozing behind me.

Noah and I had been friends since we were seven years old. We met on the playground at the park in the center of the neighborhood of our small town in West Virginia. He told me he liked my butterfly hair clips, and I let him have the blue one. He wore it in his hair every day for three weeks.

He grew up in a broken home, only his Mom around most of his years, and even then - that relationship was...strained. So many nights he had snuck into my bedroom window, curling up next to me, tears free falling down his cheeks. We never talked about why, but it didn't take a psychic to figure it out.

He moved in with his Grandmother when he was fourteen, and even though he lived in the next town over, he still made it a point to take the city bus to me every day after school, even when he dropped out.

We were never more than twin flames, incapable of existing without each other, moral support for the other during any type of hardship. Looking back, I guess that was what built our serious dependence issues.

"I can't live without you, Y/N. I'll die if I ever lose you."

"No you won't Noah, don't be stupid."

He was stupid. As stupid as they come, because when I turned eighteen, and started college, he had paid one of his friends to drive him all the way up to Columbus to see me. He showed up at the door of my dorm, drunk and broken, blathering on about how only having been away from me for a week had killed him, and he needed to see me.

That was the first night he kissed me, and I let him.

As most people do when having grown up with someone so closely, I had developed an attachment to Noah very early on. I first recognized it when he turned twelve, and started skateboarding. He would insist on trying to teach me how, despite my undeniable clumsiness. His hands would grip my hips, his face so close to my ear, and his chest pressed to my back. He would talk in this deep voice, his puberty hitting early. I was awe-struck.

He was my best friend, sure. But he belonged to me, that's what he always said.

Even when he had girlfriends, I always came first. Dates would get cancelled for me; plans changed. Hell, he even blew off one girl whose birthday fell on the same day as mine. I was his priority. I was his person.

So when he leaned in to me, sitting on the edge of my mattress in the dorm, liquor stained-breath against my face, I just closed my eyes and let it happen.

He spent the night with me, and had to leave early. Vowing to come back, he never broke his word.

There he was the following weekend, sober this time, with snacks, DVDs, and a week’s worth of clothes. I managed to hide him in my room for four days before the dorm advisor caught him.

The second day he was there was the first time we had sex. I was a virgin, and he was not. That hurt me, sure. Not enough to deny him what was rightfully his. I belonged to Noah, body and soul. He took his time, walked me through it, and gave me the best possible experience I could expect. It hurt, and it was weird, but a sense of relief washed over me.

We had finally crossed that threshold. We had sex three times that week, until he was forced to leave.

That's when the words left his mouth.

"We need to talk."

That conversation broke something inside of me. He loved me, but he didn't love me. He was honored to have been allowed to give me something so meaningful, but he could never see me as more than his best friend. Our friendship was too important, and he wouldn't even allow himself to entertain the idea of jeopardizing that. He had made up his mind, and he couldn't have feelings for me.

It was with the heaviest heart imaginable, I sucked back my tears, painted an easy smile on my face, and held his hands in mine.

"I totally understand, Noah. No worries! We can just have fun, you know?"

And that was it. We were stuck in this sick, frozen place for the last two years. I was about to finish my Associates in Columbus, and hoped to become pre-med at Boston U, but Noah didn't know that yet. I could never figure out how to tell him.

Noah Davis was this heavy, bright flame that I was desperately afraid to extinguish. He had formed a band right after our arrangement began, and he was twenty-four hours away from leaving on their first major tour that would take him around the entire country, and then across the Atlantic to Europe.

How could I tell him that while he was gone, I was likely moving even further, and starting my life without him?

I didn't want to live without him, but he was leaving, and I couldn't sit and wait forever...

I breathed out a sigh, the light beginning to stream in the window of my one-bedroom apartment. He needed to wake up, drive home, and make sure he was ready to leave tomorrow. It was only 6AM, so I knew he'd be cranky, but I couldn't put this off any longer.

“Noah?” I breathed out his name. He groaned in response. “You’ve got to get up. You have to get ready to head home.”

"Mm, ten more minutes." I rolled my eyes, and began sliding out from underneath him.

His arm locked, and held me in place. I giggled, and saw as he turned his face, one eye cracking open. "Don't get up. It's too early."

I narrowed my eyes. "I have class at 8AM."

Noah used his strength against me, pulling my body to him and holding me tight so I couldn't get up. This only made me laugh louder.

"You don't need to get up for another hour."

"Not if I want to shower."

He sighed into the pillow. "So crazy, cause I don't think you do."

I rolled my eyes. "Dude, you've got to get home. Nick will kill us both if you're not ready in time."

"I'm not scared of her." He smirked, and I smacked his arm.

"Shut up. And get off me!"

He stuck his bottom lip out, pouting heavily.

"Not going to work. C'mon." I wriggled hard enough to break his grip, and sat up, stretching my arms over my head. He sat up as well, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

I pulled a robe over myself, turning to look at him as he scrolled through his phone, checking messages.

"Coffee?" I asked, and he threw a thumbs up at me.

I left the room, headed for the kitchen, trying to keep my breathing even. I had very little time left.

Filling the pot with water, I felt his arms wrap around me from behind, his face burying in my neck.

"I don't want to go. I'm going to miss you so much."

I leaned into the touch, taking anything I could at this point. "I know. I'll miss you more."

He scoffed. "Not a chance."

Holding me for a few more moments, he let go to head to the fridge, pulling out the bagels and cream cheese, and plopping down at the dining table. I continued my work of preparing our coffee.

"Hey, uh," I started, keeping my voice as calm as I could. "there's something I wanted to chat with you about."

I turned around, two hot mugs in my hand. He was spreading the cream on a bagel, already having prepared one for me. I sat next to him at the table.

"What's up?" He didn't look up at me.

"I told you I had been trying to decide where to start medical school?" He just nodded in response. "Well, I find out today if I got into Boston."

He halted, his eyes snapping up to me. "Boston?"

I took a sip of coffee. "They've got the best med program on the East coast-"

He cut me off. "Since when were you looking on the East coast?"

His tone was darkening. This was going to go about as well as I expected.

"Since I realized I had a chance. Noah, my GPA and scholar program gives me a real shot."

He grit his teeth, setting his bagel down. "Boston is far, Y/N."

I kept calm, setting my mug down as well. "I know."

"So, why would you want to be so far away?"

"Well, you're going far too, Noah. Your first show is in San Diego."

He sat back in his chair. "Yeah, but the last one puts me right back here in Columbus for a month before I go overseas."

I nodded. "I know. I'll still be here, then. You get back six weeks before the end of the semester."

He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You can't go to Boston."

There was a finality to his tone, and something about it made my insides flinch with irritation.

"Oh no? And if I do?"

"You can't."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Can't? And since when do you tell me what I can and can't do?"

He rolled his eyes, standing from the table and walking over to the trash, binning the half of his bagel he didn't eat. "We can't be that far away from each other."

Lifting my eyebrows, I stood as well, crossing my arms. "And why is that, Noah?"

He leaned back against the counter. "Y/N, you know why."

"What? So you have someone to fuck whenever you want? Whenever one of your little groupies isn't around?"

His eyes popped open, then. "What?"

"You heard me." My tone was deadly, matching my stare at him.

"You really think the only reason I want you close is because of the sex?" He seemed truly stunned.

"Well, why else would you want me around?" I threw my hands up, walking back down the hallway toward my bedroom. I could hear his footfall behind me. I just continued, stepping into the closet to get dressed.

"What is that supposed to mean? I always want you around."

Rolling my eyes, I clasped my bra on and popped my head out to look at him. "Noah, I'm convenient for you. Unless you have any other valid reasons to keep coming over, I don't know why else it matters."

His jaw dropped open. "That is not true."

Pulling my shirt on, I scoffed. "Please, dude. Spare me the act, okay?"

"What act?"

I pulled my jeans on, buttoning them before stepping out to face him again. "The 'you're my person, and I can't lose you' act." I quoted myself. Something about that pissed him off, because he crossed his own arms and stared me down.

"The fuck are you getting at, Y/N?"

I shook my head, brushing past him, and walked toward the bathroom.

"Noah," I turned to look directly at him. "we've been at this for years. It's kind of old, don't you think?"

His face softened slightly. "We had an agreement."

I nodded. "You're right, we did. Just sex, for the sake of our friendship. That's what you wanted."

"I thought that's what we wanted."

Waving a hand between us, I took a step toward him. "Oh no, Noah. That's what you wanted. Not me."

He was silent, then.

"I wanted more. I always have. I thought that had become clear over the years, but I fucking guess not." I could hear my voice raising a few octaves. "You didn't give me a choice. You came in, broke that boundary, and then put it right back up again. And I stayed, just so I wouldn't lose you."

I could feel the tears beginning to well in my eyes.

His voice came out small, then, his hands now buried in his pockets.

"What do you want from me, Y/N?"

I sighed, letting one tear escape. "I want you to love me."

He pulled his hands out, stepping toward me and taking one of mine. I let him.

"I do love you!"

I stared at him, my teeth ground together. "Do you? The way I love you?"

Noah was a lot of things. He was brilliant, funny, generous, dedicated. He had the most redeeming qualities of anyone I knew.

And sure, he could be stupid. But not that stupid.

He had known how I felt about him. Of course he did. That was why I kissed him every chance I got. Why I always let him in. Why I never dated anyone else. Why I stayed all this time.

But here? In this moment? He was the biggest idiot I knew, because he dropped my hand, his eyes falling with it, and took a step backward.

"I..." He huffed out a breath, looking back up at my tear-stained face. "I can't. I'm sorry."

I averted my eyes, then. I could feel myself breaking, crumbling right before him.

"You need to leave, Noah."

I could feel he wanted to pull back to me, like a moon in orbit of a planet. Gravity. But he didn't. He just stepped back toward the doorway.

"What does this mean?" I heard his voice, but wouldn't meet his eyes.

I sniffed hard, trying like hell to keep myself upright.

"It means you go on tour. Be who you are, Noah. And I'll be who I am. Without each other."

His body shifted, but I was stone, unmoving.

"I can't lose you." I heard him let out a light, sarcastic laugh. "I'll die."

I let myself laugh at that.

"No you won't, Noah. Don't be stupid."

7 Years Later

Residency is going to kill me. I may actually die in pursuit of this God awful career I've chosen. I was three years in to a five year program, intending to finish in General Practice, but until that time, I was just an idiotic twenty-seven year-old with no life, no sleep, and no clean fucking clothes to wear.

Every resident gets exactly forty-eight hours of paid time off every three months, and I had not taken mine in over a year. I finally had taken all of my hours - six days total - off of work, and after spending the entire first day sleeping, I was due to meet with Raylene in an hour.

Ray and I met at the beginning of residency, and quickly gotten close. We managed to find an affordable apartment together within walking distance of the hospital, and spent any rare free time we had together. She was currently at her boyfriend's place, spending some much needed time with him, before we went out for the evening.

I was digging through my unfolded laundry, trying to find something not too wrinkled or stained to wear tonight. Ray had told me we were going to a concert for a band she had recently discovered, but she didn't tell me who it was. I didn't care, to be honest. Existing somewhere other than the Emergency Room or my own bed sounded heavenly.

Finally settling on a deep red cropped t-shirt, black skinny jeans, and the Vans I rarely got to wear, I straightened my hair and applied what little makeup I could. I set out of the building to the waiting vehicle downstairs, Ray practically hanging from the passenger window.

"You look so fine!"

I chuckled, shaking my head. "Sure. Like I might've slept in the last two weeks?"

She chortled back at me, leaning in her seat once I was in the car. I waved hello to her boyfriend Sean, and gazed at Ray.

"So, Tyler isn't coming."

She frowned at me. "Why not?"

I shrugged. "Said he had a case he was working on, and he really couldn't spare the time."

She rolled her eyes. "Typical lawyer. Too busy for anyone but his clients."

Tyler and I had been dating for about six months now. Maintaining a relationship while having jobs as busy as ours was difficult, but he somehow managed to work it out. He would pop in when he knew I had breaks to bring me food, or have me spend nights off at his place, massaging my neck and helping me get caught up on my favorite series. He was an honest man. A good man.

I liked him.

Right?

It's so hard to tell what's like and what's convenient when you live your life exhausted and overworked, so I didn't have a lot of time to question it.

"Bummer for him. I'm so excited to see this show!" Ray was beaming in the front seat.

"Yeah, who are we seeing, anyway?"

"A band called ERRA. They're opening for a bigger headliner, who I've heard are pretty good too."

I nodded. "I've never heard them."

"It's rock. Metal, really." Sean chimed in, and I acknowledged him silently, looking out of the window.

My mind zoned out while we drove to the House of Blues. Ray and Sean chatted idly up front, but I was just enjoying the fact that I was finally out of the house for once.

That is, until we walked into the venue. The banner poster stared at me, the photographs of the band mocking me...

Bad Omens...they were the headliner.

Memories flooded back to my brain, my insides clenching at the visions.

I hadn't spoken to him since that day...that last day in my apartment. When he left, and never looked back. I didn't even keep in touch with the rest of the guys, for fear that I would be sucked back into the maelstrom that was Noah Davis...

“Y/N?” I turned to see Ray stood behind me, noticing my reaction. “You okay?”

My mind wasn’t comprehending what I was seeing. There’s no way that was them? The last time I had heard of the band, they were one-of-four supporting bands on much larger headliners. Now, they were selling out tickets at their own tour? Seven years was a long time…but how had they gotten this popular?

I wondered this, as if I didn’t know how wildly talented those boys were. Aside from Noah, Nicky, Jolly, and Nick Folio were some of the most intelligent and creative minds I had known. They all brought something special to that band, but I would have never expected this.

Huh. Guess he could live without me after all?

Something bitter crept into the back of my throat, but I swallowed it down, staring at his photograph on the poster.

“Yeah,” I tore my eyes away for a second to look at Raylene. “sorry, I’m fine. Just didn’t realize Bad Omens was the headliner.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You’ve heard of them?”

I pulled my lips to the side. Did I want to tell her?

“Long time ago.”

I couldn’t get past how different he looked in the picture. Last time I saw Noah, his hair was halfway down his back, he was skinny, and he had the thinnest little mustache growing on his upper lip.

In these promo pictures, however, his hair was short, not even reaching his ears, he looked much more muscular, and he had no facial hair. He also had many more tattoos than I remembered. That wasn’t surprising. Noah was a tattoo addict from a very young age.

Jolly had let his hair grow and had the cutest goatee on his chin. Nicky looked almost exactly the same. And Nick, bless his heart, had grown into such a handsome guy. They all looked so grown, so serious and broody. It almost made me giggle, knowing how goofy these guys were in real life.

Noah looked the most stunningly different from the rest. Not only did his entire appearance change, but his eyes…something in them was just so much darker. That harsh flame I had once known was so dim. It almost hurt to see. Almost.

We were making our way out to the pit of the GA floor. I had decided to get myself a cocktail to take the edge off. I didn't plan to come face-to-face with him, and likely wouldn't even get the opportunity to get a good look at him period, but still...just knowing we were in the same room made my throat tighten. I washed it down with Vodka and cranberry juice, hoping the warmth of the liquor would unfreeze my nerves.

The first band, Invent Animate, was entertaining enough. Very interactive with the crowd and high-energy. I found it pleasant, but couldn't get myself to focus long enough to notice what they were singing about. I struggled to breathe, the set ending, and knowing I was one hour closer to seeing his face.

During the intermission, Ray excused herself to the restroom, and I stood with Sean, feeling dizzier as the moments passed.

"Hey, I think I'm going to step out for a second. Get some air."

He quirked an eyebrow at me. "You okay? Want me to come with?"

I shook my head. "Nah, don't want you to miss the band you guys came to see. I'll be back."

He nodded, patting me on the shoulder before I weaved in and out of the crowd. I discarded my plastic cup in a trash can before exiting out into the main lobby. I found a spot on the wall near the doors that was unoccupied, and leaned against it, letting my eyes close and my breathing even out.

When I opened my eyes, I searched the room, looking for nothing specific. I landed on the merch tables, and saw someone oddly familiar talking to the lead singer of the last band we had watched...

The liquid courage is what carried me in that direction, smiling to myself.

He stood with his hair pulled back, as usual, and was talking with his hands. Same as he always did.

"Nicky Ruffilo..." I said loud enough to hopefully catch his attention, my hands now grasping the edge of the table.

His head snapped over to look at me, his brows knit together curiously. I could tell he was putting it together.

"No fucking way..." His voice sounded the same as it always had. "Y/N?!"

My teeth flashed at him, and he circled the table to approach me, his arms pulling me into a tight hug.

"Jesus Christ, I didn't recognize you!" That was fair.

Since the last time I had seen any of the guys, I had bleached my hair a pale blonde, lost twenty-five pounds, and had grown two cup sizes. I was, for all intents and purposes, an entirely different person.

"Yeah, well I absolutely recognized you." I said as I gripped his shirt, squeezing him tight.

"How long has it been?" He asked, pulling back to look at me.

"Uh," I thought for a moment. "seven-ish years?"

Nick's eyes were in disbelief, an amazed leer on his face. "God damn, girl. I can't believe it."

I pointed to the banner above his head. "Headlining now, huh? That's amazing!"

He smiled, proudly. "Yeah, we've worked really hard. A lot's changed."

My eyes fell on Noah's face on the poster. "I can see that."

I could tell he was pondering, a question hanging on the edge of his tongue. It was the most obvious question, so I answered for him.

"He doesn't know I'm here."

He nodded, leaning an arm on the table comfortably. "Ah, okay. You didn't want him to?"

I snorted. "I didn't even know I'd be here. My friends came to see ERRA, and that's when I realized you guys were here."

"Makes sense." He had crossed his arms. "Do you want him to know?"

Contemplating this, I let my face fall to get away from his gaze. I wasn't certain how to answer that, but it seemed like the answer was clear regardless.

"No." I sighed hard. "It's probably for the best that he doesn't, right?"

I couldn't read Nick's face, if he was disappointed or relieved. He seemed to be pretty satisfied with my answer, but I could tell he had more he wished he could say.

"Fair enough." Was all he gave me, before letting out a breath. "So, you still live up here?"

I let my muscles relax for a second. "Yeah, doing a residency at Brigham right now."

"Residency? Does that mean you're a doctor?" He asked, clearly confused.

I cackled at this. "Yeah, full blown doctor. Got the little 'MD' after my name and everything."

He beamed at me. "That's so great! Congratulations!"

"Thank you, Nicky." It fell quiet between us once again, and I could hear ERRA's set beginning. "Well, I should probably-"

He spoke over me. "Yeah! Those guys put on a great show. Don't miss it!"

I gave him another hug, reveling in how warm he still felt.

Turning to walk away, I stopped, needing one last thing...

"Nick?"

His face turned back to me.

"How is he?"

I could see the sadness fall over his tan features, and I instantly regretted asking.

"He's..." He trailed off, taking in a large breath. "He's different, Y/N. I doubt you'd recognize him."

"How so?"

Something about my question almost seemed to annoy him. Odd?

"Like I said, a lot has changed. He's changed. He had to." He gestured to me. "Same way you did."

I accepted this, not wanting to press any further. "Thanks, Nick."

He pointed a finger at me. "Hey, we're going to be back here in the fall for a couple days. Don't be a stranger, okay?" I grinned at this. "I know Jolly and Folio would kill to see you."

I just nodded, turning and walking away. My eyes met with Ray's, who was standing, watching my interaction. How much had she seen? Did she hear anything?

"Hey, what are you doing? You're missing ERRA!"

Her brows were pulled up suspiciously. "Who was that?" She pointed after Nick, who had now disappeared from the merch table.

I shook my head. "Oh, that guy? He's the bassist in the headliner band."

This wasn't good enough for her, I could tell by the way she pursed her lips. "Uh-huh. And...you just decided to chat him up like old friends?"

I groaned. "Ugh, how long were you standing there?"

She put all her weight on one hip. "Long enough to see you two talking like you've known each other before. Care to explain?"

Raylene was so nosey. She came by it honestly, her father being a police detective. But still, why did this matter?

"It's not a big deal, Ray. I'll tell you later."

I pulled on her arm, trying to lead her back to the concert hall, but she stood firm, eyeing me. I sucked my teeth in frustration.

"Damn it, alright, come here."

She followed me to the doors leading outside, and we stepped into the cool air.

"Alright, look, I've known Nick since I was ten."

Her eyes jumped. "Oh? Back in West Virginia?"

I nodded. "Exactly. I had no idea their band was going to be here."

"Do you know anyone else in the band?"

I glanced around, feeling wildly uncomfortable by the conversation.

"I may know the entire band."

Her eyes exploded, nearly shooting out of her face cartoonistically.

"What?! The whole band?" I just nodded. "Jesus, Y/N. That's insane!"

I giggled. "I guess. It's just a coincidence."

She smiled at me. "Well that's awesome! Do you want to see the rest of them after? They're doing a free merch signing."

Panic filled my chest, and I put a hand out to grab her shoulder. "No, no. I don't, uh..." I tried to keep my voice solid. "I don't keep in touch with them anymore."

Her eyes narrowed. "Oh? Okay, if you're sure." Something in my voice must have made her feel my anxiety.

We turned, ready to make our way back inside.

"It is too bad. The lead singer's a real looker. I heard one of the girls in the crowd say his name was Noah Sebastian? He's pretty cute."

I almost walked straight into the door, my foot banging off of the pillar. Ray turned around to see me, and something about the look on my face made realization flash over her.

"Oh my God, are you ok-" She stopped dead, eyes widening again. "Wait..."

"Ray, don't." I knew what she had figured out.

"Noah..." I put my hands up, glancing around to ensure no one was looking at us. "As in...Noah? Your old best friend?!"

I shushed her harshly. "Please, Ray. I don't want to think about this."

"That's the guy?! Noah Sebastian is the guy that broke your heart?!"

I was going to actually vomit at that.

"Fuck! Can we not?!" I raised my voice, which made her snap her mouth closed. "Besides, I don't know a Noah Sebastian."

She looked confused. "Is that not his real name?"

I rolled my eyes, turning to walk back in. "It's his middle name."

I spaced out most of what was left of ERRA's set, just trying to put the pieces back together in my brain. This night had not turned into what I had hoped.

I just wanted one night, an easy night, to take a deep breath away from my hectic life. Instead, I was reliving some of my most painful memories, and had a headache to go right along with it from the alcohol. My chest vibrated, the bass just making it so much more difficult to focus.

I stood off of the GA floor, near the bar area, not even realizing the band had finished, and people were swarming to grab drinks and use the restrooms before the men of the evening appeared. Ray approached me, another Vodka cran in her hand, and pushed it into mine.

"Here my love, drink this." I took a long gulp of it. "Do you want us to go? We don't have to stay..."

My eyes were fixed on the stage, where I could see people setting up the equipment. "No." I huffed out a breath, and squeezed my cup. "No, I want to see them play, I think."

She raised an eyebrow. "You're sure? This can't be easy for you."

My eyes burned into her face, which almost made her flinch. "I may never get to see him again, Ray. I have to."

She just nodded, arm linking with mine. "You want to watch from up here?"

I nodded, crunching on a piece of ice from my drink. "No chance of him spotting me back here."

She affirmed my request, and leaned back against the wall with me.

I felt my phone vibrate, and I pulled it from my pocket to see Tyler's name on the screen.

Tyler: Hey beautiful! How's the show?

I held my breath. What kind of a question was that?

Me: Fine. Almost over, just one band left.

He didn't take but a minute to respond.

Tyler: Having fun?

Ha, what a joke.

Me: Yeah. I've had some drinks, so it's helping.

Tyler: Well, enjoy it baby! You deserve it.

That wasn't fair. None of it was. Having to see Noah? The fact that I had an amazing guy, who genuinely liked me, who waited for me. But I still couldn't get my mind off of that irritatingly beautiful face about to take the stage.

The lights went down, and I felt myself tense, throwing back the rest of my drink. My teeth were numb, if that made any sense at all. Ray's hand gripped mine tight, holding me up.

A cinematic scene played on the screens, but I wasn't watching, eyes hastily searching the stage.

A tall man, who I instantly recognized as Jolly, stepped center-stage, a guitar in his hand playing the opening riff to the song. It was heavy, deep and soul shaking.

Folio came out next, his face, like Jolly's, covered in a black ski mask.

Nick took his spot, playing his bass tones.

And then, as the opening crescendoed, a voice rang through the speakers.

A voice I'd never forget.

"Can you hear me through the white noise?"

He blasted onto the stage, glory and all, face covered and thick black jacket on his shoulders.

He sounded different. Angry. Raw, Aggressive. The feeling that sank in my stomach pulled me back further against the wall.

The song played through, his words pulsing through my veins.

As quick as it had started, it was over, and we were on to the next.

The next track was calmer, red lights glowing all throughout the stage.

They had all removed their masks, and I saw his face for the first time. He looked so much older, making it difficult for me to believe he was the same person.

The words of the song resonated deep in my thoughts.

"I don't want to know all your secrets, cause I'll tell. It's hard enough being alone with myself. I don't know how long I'll be holding on..."

Breathing deeply, I watched as the crowd moved with the music, electrifying the energy in the room. It was intoxicating.

Noah had changed...

The set played on without hitch, the entire time I caught myself holding in breaths until I felt my lungs nearly bursting. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, feeling the familiar ache beginning to creep back in.

The music stopped, and a bunch of lights came up. By this time, Noah had discarded his jacket, button-up, and only stood in a black tank top, hands wrapped in what looked like boxing wraps?

"Alright, Boston, how we feeling?" His speaking voice even sounded different...

The crowd erupted.

"We are Bad Omens, and we sincerely appreciate you all being here tonight. The next song we are going to play for you all has been the biggest turning point this band has ever seen." I heard the screams, and did my best to tune them out so I could hear his words. "Is anyone familiar with a song called Just Pretend?"

The room rocked with the cheers and chants of the crowd.

"That volume that I just heard? That's the volume I want to hear you sing this with me, okay? Don't worry about trying to hit the perfect note or get all of the words right. It's about us all, being here together tonight."

The music played softly behind him when his lips reached the microphone.

"I can wait for you at the bottom. I can stay away if you want me to. I can wait for years if I gotta. Heaven knows I ain't getting over you..."

My heart twisted in my chest.

"I'm not afraid, of the war you've come to wage against my sins. I'm not okay, but I can try my best to just pretend. So will you wait me out? Or will you drown me out?"

The tears pooled in my eyes. No fucking way. The song played on, mocking me with the lyrics.

"I know the pain that you hide behind the smile on your face. And not a day goes by where I don't think I feel the same."

"We'll try again, when we're not so different. We will make amends, till then I'll just pretend."

My hands came up to cover my face, my lip trembling hard.

"Weigh down on me. Stay till morning. Way down. Would you say I'm worthy?"

I choked on a sob, my legs pushing me forward, and I ran out of the room. I felt my stomach lurching, my mouth clamping closed as I ran toward the bathroom.

I heard Ray chasing behind me. "Y/N! Wait!"

Flying into the bathroom and finding the first open stall, I fell to my knees, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. My hands gripped my hair, tears falling hard down my face.

"Oh God, babe." Ray reached to grab my hair from me as I wretched all of the Vodka out of my stomach, my heart and soul pouring out with it.

When I finished, I let my chest heave with sobs, my hand covering my eyes in ebarrassment.

"Fuck, Ray." I said as I wiped my face with the tissue she handed me. "I've got to get the hell out of here."

She nodded. "Okay, my love. Let's do that."

After a solid twenty minutes of cleaning myself up in the bathroom, we stepped out, noticing the crowd now formed outside, waiting at the table for the band to come out for the signing. Ray was frantically dialing Sean, trying to find him among the sea of people. I just plopped myself down on the floor near the restroom, trying to relax as best as I could.

"Y/N?" I looked up at her. "I have to go find Sean. He isn't answering. Can you wait here for me?"

I just nodded, defeated. She was gone, lost within the abyss of people, and I sat, waiting, head in my hands.

I was pulled out of my stupor by the sound of cheering. The band had come out, all waving and smiling. I didn't even bother chancing a glance at him, for fear I may vomit again.

Ray had not come back yet, despite the four or five texts I had now sent her. I had been waiting for a solid thirty minutes, people watching the line and avoiding seeing his face. The ropes of the line were blocking my view of the faces sitting at the table.

After another fifteen, Ray finally bounded up to me, out of breath, Sean in tow.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry! That crowd is vicious!"

I stood slowly, the room only slightly spinning. I swallowed the dry, disgusting feeling in my throat, and began moving toward the exits that were now mostly clear.

"Let's go." She nodded at me, and took my arm. We had to wait behind several people trying to all get through the same revolving door. My skin felt spiky and cold.

"Hang on! Wait!"

A voice behind me made ice run through my veins, and I closed my eyes, begging whatever God existed to spare me in this moment.

A hand gripped my shoulder, and I tensed, turning my face, and my eyes looked straight at him.

He had spotted me, running from his table to catch me. He had to have been pretty damn sure it was me to chase after me like that. Fans began to crowd us, camera phones coming out, pictures snapping.

The look on his face was much less certain than I expected, as if he possibly made a mistake.

"I'm sorry..." His voice was unsteady. "Do I," He cleared his throat, eyes bouncing back and forth between my own. "know you?"

My eyebrows shot up. He really didn't recognize me?

He thought he did, but now...

"No. I don't think so." I spit out my words, teeth grinding together. It felt exactly the same as the last time I had seen him.

He dropped his hand, eyes still transfixed on mine. "I swore..."

I just turned my body, pressing my way past the gathered crowd, not giving him the chance to think it through.

In the car, I stared out the back window, arms wrapped around myself.

"What did he say, honey?" Ray's voice was so gentle.

"He didn't recognize me. He thought he did, but once he got up close, I guess I look too different." My words were only a peg above a whisper.

"You going to be okay? I don't have to stay at Sean's."

I just wiped the stray tear off of my cheek. "It's fine. I'd rather be alone."

-

A long, scalding shower, two handfuls of shredded cheese, and a solid half-hour crying session later, I was laid catatonically on my bed, eyes staring at the screen as Grey's Anatomy flashed across my screen.

I had blanked my mind out, forcing myself to let the thoughts go for the night. I was too tired and broken to let my heart hurt like this again. It took a solid year to get over Noah enough that I was able to function again. My first year of med school was disappointing, and I didn't make any friends until I made it into the second year. It took me nearly three to start dating.

I couldn't do that again.

I had been ignoring the texts going off on my phone, assuming it was Ray just checking on me for the thousandth time. I did, however, decide to take a look when I heard my ringtone going off.

Who would be calling me at 2AM?

I didn't even bother checking the screen before I put the phone up to my ear, my voice hoarse from crying.

"Hello?"

"What are the odds that you haven't changed your number after all this time?"

I sat bolt upright, my voice catching in my throat. The voice on the other end sounded nearly as wrecked as mine.

"Noah?" It barely came out.

"It's been a long time."

I cleared the newly formed phlegm out of my throat. "It has."

"I knew that was you." It sounded deadly quiet in the background of his end of the line. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming tonight?"

I sighed. "Nick told you?"

"He might've."

I groaned. "Well, I asked him not to."

"Why?"

I scoffed. "What do you mean, why?" I rubbed my eyes. "We're not exactly speaking anymore, Noah."

He hummed. "That's true."

I chewed on my lip, not having any kind of clue of what to say.

"What did you think?"

"Of the show?"

"Mhm."

I sighed. "It was good. Different than what I would have expected."

A soft laugh came through the line. "How so?"

I smiled at that. "It's just a lot different than what I expected your music to sound like."

"In a bad way?"

"No. Not at all."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." His voice was so serious. So monotone. Nothing at all like what I remembered.

The line fell silent again, and I found this irritating. What was he playing at?

"Why did you call, Noah?"

I heard a breath on the other end, and some rustling. "I don't know."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have."

"Maybe. I wanted to hear your voice."

My stomach tightened. "Now you have. I should go."

"Wait..." I held the phone firm, waiting. "I want to see you."

My heart pounded. "What?"

"I need to see you." His words were so matter-of-fact.

"I don't think so, Noah. That's not a great idea."

"It's not, but I'm asking..." He sounded so small. "Can I please see you?"

I perused the idea. "When?"

"Now?"

I scrunched up my face, sitting up again. "Now? It's after two in the morning."

"I don't care. I'll come to wherever you are."

This struck me. Maybe he hadn't changed?

"I, uh," I struggled to speak. "Noah, I don't know. I'm at home, it's late. I should be sleeping."

"Y/N?" I stopped, listening. "Please?"

I am a weak woman, and that is just plain fact. I was frantically running throughout the apartment, attempting to tidy any kind of mess I could get my hands on. Ray and I hadn't taken the time to really clean in months, so it was stressing me out. My pajama pants were hanging low on my hips, and I swam in my large sweatshirt.

My hair was falling loose around my face, and I was sure my eyes were puffy from the crying I had done. How insane was I? Had I completely lost it?

It was almost 3AM when a knock came at my apartment door, and I froze in place. What was I doing? Why was I allowing this to happen? I didn't need to do this to myself.

I was fine, living in my normal, tired bubble. I was headed towards a successful career that would take me further than I ever imagined. Why was I allowing this trainwreck of a friendship back into my life? What was I thinking?!

I wasn't. That was the answer to that question.

I opened the door, not sure what to expect on the other side. He stood, still as tall as I remembered, looming in the doorway. He wore a black hoodie, hands tucked neatly in the pocket. Dark blue jeans and black Converse. A white beanie covering his hair.

Like this, he looked almost recognizable. Except for his eyes...

Just like in the photograph I had seen earlier, his eyes were so dark. There was very little life behind them. Deep blue circles hung under the rims, making a pull in my chest show itself.

I just stood, blocking the doorway, hand white-knuckling the frame.

"Hi." Was all he managed. He was staring at me, eyes moving up and down my face as if he was seeing an apparition.

"Hi." I echoed, trying to not feel out of place under his stare.

"I'm glad you agreed to see me." He didn't move an inch, his jaw ticking closed with his last work.

I just nodded, letting out all of my air. "Yeah, well, you were insistent."

He nodded, finally looking away from me and down at the ground.

"I had to."

I pursed my lips, narrowing my eyes. "Did you?" He raised a brow at me. "Did you just have to see me? Because I think we probably would've been alright without it."

I could see his face fall, hurt by what I said, but I didn't care. He never did.

"I'm sorry. I know it's selfish."

"Mm," I pinched my lips together, and opened my door wider. "come in."

I stalked back into the house, not daring to look back at him. I heard the door shut behind me, and I steadied myself, expecting to turn around and see him vanished.

To my chagrin, he was still there.

Deciding not to stagnate, I walked into the kitchen, pulling a bottle of tea from the fridge, and walking back out to the living area. He hadn't moved, and was still staring at me.

"So." I motioned to him. "What can I do for you?"

Noah was so statuesque, as if carved right out of stone. "I don't really know."

My face lifted, a smirk on my lips. "You don't know? Noah," I placed a hand on my hip. "you show up here at 3AM, and you have no idea why?"

He shrugged, eyes begging me for mercy. "I'm sorry. I don't."

"Can you stop apologizing and just tell me why you're here?!" My patience snapped, startling even me.

This took him back, but instead of tucking tail and backing away, he stood straighter, face hardening.

"I can't tell you why I'm here if I don't know, alright?" His words were stern.

"Well you must have some kind of reason? Because this feels wildly unnecessary."

He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "It is? So you didn't want to see me?"

I set my tea on the coffee table and stood nonchalantly. "Not really."

He narrowed his eyes. "I don't buy it." He took a step toward me, but I stood firm. "If you didn't you wouldn't have stayed, tonight. You would've left after you saw the band your friends went to see."

He was closer now, and it felt like a string had tethered between us, the tension slowly slacking.

"Yeah, well, I wanted to see your set. See how the band was doing."

He snickered at me. "Oh, sure. Of course." His hands finally appeared from his pockets, one running over his chin. "Which song was your favorite?"

Oop. I wasn't expecting that.

"The second one. Villain, or something?"

He nodded. "Like A Villain." Noah's eyes weren't buying it. "Which one did you like least?"

I scoffed. "I don't know, Noah? The first one?"

"Mm, and which one was that?"

I was swallowing the lump in my throat. I couldn't remember, the night blurring together.

"Uh, I don't know the name."

He took a step back, triumphant. "You weren't there for the set. You wanted to see me."

Rolling my eyes, I crossed my arms. "Still as self-absorbed as ever, I see?"

"Am I wrong?"

He had me backed into a corner, and he fucking knew it.

I threw my arms up. "Fine! Maybe I did. But you wanted to see me too."

He sneered at me, venom on his lips. "Obviously, or else I wouldn't be here."

"You still haven't said why."

"Why did you want to see me?"

My voice was raising, frustration growing. "I don't know!"

"I don't know either!" He yelled back at me, and my mouth snapped closed. Noah never raised his voice at me. Not ever.

He took three long strides over to me until he was only stood a foot away.

"I didn't expect to ever see you again, Y/N! I thought you were gone forever! So imagine my surprise when I see you walking out of the House of Blues, and you deny even knowing me!"

I felt like shrinking into a ball right there on the floor, ceasing to exist.

"I wanted to see you because how could I not?! Seven fucking years, Y/N!" He backed down for a second, his breathing becoming ragged. "I've been waiting seven years."

I furrowed my brow. "Waiting?"

"For you to reach out. To tell me you missed me. To give me some kind of indication we could reconcile and be us again."

There was a fire, deep down in my gut, that I had never been able to truly extinguish. A fire Noah had lit years ago. A mine shaft burning like the depths of hell in my belly that I had buried under concrete and therapy, keeping it at bay.

In my apartment, tonight, that fire broke loose. And there was no stopping it.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I took a step forward, pressing into his space, index finger jabbing into his chest. "I was supposed to reach out?!"

He took a step back, eyes now full of fear.

"I professed my love to you, Noah! I told you I wanted you, and you fucking left!"

He puffed at me, pointing a finger back at me. "You told me to leave!'

"Yes! Because you told me you didn't love me! You told me you couldn't love me the way I loved you!"

He squeezed his lids shut tight, growling and turning away from me, taking several steps away. His hands came up, gripping the beanie on his head.

"God damn it Y/N!" He turned to look at me, a fiery rage matching my own behind his eyes. "Of course I fucking loved you!"

My heart stopped, completely motionless.

"What?"

"I've always loved you! From the moment I laid fucking eyes on you! I've never loved anyone, no one, the way I loved you!" He charged me, backing me toward the couch. "But I couldn't love you, Y/N! I wasn't good enough. I was a piss-poor high school dropout musician trying to make a name for himself, and, until recently, failing miserably."

I couldn't speak, thoughts racing so fast, I struggled to keep up.

"And you?" He pointed a finger back into my chest. "You were smart, and motivated, and you were going to make something of yourself. I couldn't drag you down with me. I couldn't force you to follow this journey with me. It would've ruined your life!"

My lungs weren't working right, and my hands were shaking. He wasn't actually saying this. I was hallucinating.

"So I left. I left to give you a chance at a real life. Which, evidently, you've managed to build without me." He took a step back, then, dropping his hands. "And I, somehow, without you."

This hurt me, hearing he had managed to become so successful, despite my involvement.

"Noah, I had no idea-"

"No," He cut me off. "you didn't."

I hadn't even caught the tears falling from my eyes, blurring my vision until he was just a watery mess in front of me.

"You didn't need me." I choked out, and he looked directly at me, inquisitively. "You've made it so far. You're a rockstar now, Noah."

He scoffed. "Y/N, you don't get it." He looked away from me, focused on the wall behind me. "I died without you. Something inside of me was lost the day I left, and I never got it back."

"Well, you're successful now, so it can't be so bad, right?"

He snorted, shaking his head. "Success always comes with a price."

My lips were wet with the tears I couldn't hold in, and I couldn't keep my breathing even. I knew he saw it, but hesitated to engage, wanting to keep a wide berth between us. I couldn't take it. It was too much.

Hearing he loved me. Hearing I had been wrong all this time. Hearing that the heartbreak I felt for so long wasn't his fault. He was protecting me, even after all these years.

"Noah?" He chanced a glance at me, and I saw his own eyes sparkling with moisture.

I couldn't take it.

I rushed him, grabbing hold of his shoulder and clinging on, desperate to find relief against him. My lips smashed into his, tearing apart the barrier I had worked so hard to build.

His hands grabbed me, holding me into place against him, his lips melted into mine, returning the kiss fervently. We were hopeless. We were hungry.

My tears didn't stop flowing, emotion pouring out of every pore. My fingers clawed at him, needing to get closer. My hand grabbed the beanie, and pulled it off of his head, his dark hair falling over his eyes. I gripped it at the scalp, trying to pull myself closer.

Feeling what I was attempting to do, his hands lifted me by the back of my legs, so I could wrap them around his midsection. I refused to disconnect the kiss, breathing in his soul. It was so real and so familiar. How I missed it like hell.

His legs carried us to the couch, where he sat us down. My legs straddled him, and I finally pulled away to tug at the sweatshirt he wore. He made quick work of pulling it up over his head while I did the same with my own. Reconnecting our lips, my hands wandered over his neck and chest, scratching at the fabric of his shirt.

His teeth caught my bottom lip, and I moaned into his mouth. His fingers pulled at the waistband of my pajama pants, and I lifted myself enough to slip them off, replacing myself on his lap. His jeans were already getting tighter as his hands smoothed up and down my thighs.

"Fucking hell." He looked down, staring at my bare breasts in front of him. "These got bigger, huh?"

I laughed, taking a deep breath. "Yeah, well, things change."

His fingers gripped around my left breast, lips falling to circle around the hardened nipple. I let my head fall back, relishing in the warm feeling spreading throughout my body.

"Still so fucking beautiful, just like I remember." I pulled at the hair on the back of his neck. "Did you miss me, baby girl?"

I ground my hips down against him in response. His hand began playing with the button of his jeans, and I moved it away to open them myself.

I stood up to pull his jeans down to his knees, his boxers bulging in the crotch.

"Oh, fuck." I sighed out. "Yeah, I missed you."

His smile then was devious, some of that regular spark shining back in his eyes. "Then show me, huh?"

Reaching into the opening of his underwear, I pulled his cock free, taking a moment to remember just how large it was. It had been a very long time since I had seen anything quite that impressive. Dipping my head down, I licked a long stripe up the shaft, lingering on the head to gather the precome leaking out.

"Holy shit." His head fell back on the couch, his eyes rolling back with it. "Mm, do that again, please?"

I smirked, looking up at him. "Only since you asked so nicely."

My tongue repeated the movement, drawing out a hard groan out of him, his legs twitching. "Fuck yeah, baby."

Without warning, I wrapped my lips around him and swallowed him as far down as my throat would allow, gagging on the tip as it struck my tonsils. His hips jolted upward, effectively fucking my throat.

"Please, Y/N, I won't last that way." He begged, his words only coming out as breaths. "I need to feel you, please."

He was begging, and I couldn't resist it. I needed him too.

I stood back up, and kneeled on either side of him, carefully lining him up with my entrance. When I sunk down, that delicious burn pierced through me, and my body collapsed onto him at the intensity of it.

"Noah, oh my God." He ran a hand up my back, allowing me a moment to adjust.

"I know, baby. I know." He soothed me, rubbing small circles into my skin.

My hips stuttered forward, needing to feel the friction. His hand reached down to grab my ass, and lifted me upward. Without warning, his hips snapped forward and fucked into me, making a sharp scream leave my lips.

My face rested on his chest, whimpers falling from my throat with each hard thrust.

"Fuck, you missed me, pretty girl?" He was panting between his words, his rhythm picking up speed. "Missed the way I fuck you?"

My eyes were rolling back, the tears from before now replaced with tears of raw pleasure.

"I'll bet you've never been fucked like this, huh?" His words were just tones of desire playing in my ears, his cock absolutely destroying me. "No one can fuck you like I can, baby. No one."

My nails dug hard into his shirt, begging for release.

"Let me know when you come, baby. Not finishing until you do."

Luckily for him, I was riding the edge so hard it was making the room spin. Biting my lip to keep from screaming, I lifted myself to look at his face.

"Noah," I searched his eyes, his hips not faltering. "I love you."

He grit his teeth, trying to focus on me and his hips at the same time. "I love you, too. So fucking much."

My face fell back down, landing on the side of his neck. "I'm going to come. Please, Noah, I'm so close..."

He, somehow, managed to pump into me harder, sending my body over the cliff and into the warm waves of my orgasm. My body went slack against him as my walls pulsed around his length.

I heard him curse, and his hips stilled. I felt him spasming inside me, and silently thanked myself for my IUD.

We laid that way, sweaty and heaving, for a solid ten minutes before either of us could find the strength to move. I slipped him out of me, and sat up to look at him. He looked absolutely wrecked, in the best possible way.

I smiled, feeling a warmth spread over me.

"Hi." Was all I could manage.

He chuckled tiredly. "Hi."

-

After our excursion, Noah and I had taken a few minutes to clean up, and, being as exhausted as you'd expect, decided to lay together for a while.

He told me he had to leave within a few hours to get back to his hotel, heading to the next city bright and early, so I told him I'd stay up until he had to leave.

However, in my bed, his arms wrapped tightly around me, his voice whispering sweet words in my ears, I struggled to remain conscious.

"Do you remember when I bought you that Oasis album for your fourteenth birthday? That was basically me professing my love to you."

"I was such an idiot. I should've just told you."

"You have no idea how much I've missed you. I don't think you'll ever understand."

"I'm so sorry. I wish things were different..."

And that's how I woke up, light in my bedroom far too bright, and my bed empty.

I don't know what I expected? For him to stay? Fuck off his tour to make up for lost time with me?

But still, my chest stung when I saw he had left, but I wasn't surprised.

Something had changed last night, and the darkness that lingered in the depths of my being had lifted, leaving me with a sense of hope I hadn't felt before.

When I had woken for the day, clearing the cobwebs from my eyes, I contemplated my next move. He had surely left town already, but that didn't mean I couldn't keep in touch, right?

Pulling out my phone, I found his contact, and opened a text thread.

Me: Hey, call me when you can. I think we have a lot to talk about. :)

I set my phone down on the bathroom counter, preparing to brush my teeth when my phone dinged, and the notification told me the text had failed.

Odd?

I resent it, getting the same response.

Why would my messages fail? I paid my bill, right?

Quickly dialing Ray's number, I held the phone to my ear and heard the ringing, so I knew my service was fine. Giving her a quick apology for waking her, I hung up, and went back to my texts.

His number was the same, right?

I went back to my call logs, seeing it was his number that called me last night, so it was the same as it had always been.

So...what the hell?

My finger hovered over the number for a moment, and I weighed the options before finally resolving to just call him. Make sure I wasn't losing my mind.

I held the phone to my face as I started brushing my teeth, waiting for the call to connect.

"The number you have reached is not in service. If you feel you have reached this message in error, please hang up and try your call again."

[enluv]

in another life.

lee heeseung x f!reader x ??? (it'll make sense when you read I promise)

SYNOPSIS: in which losing you is the least of heeseung’s worries, until he’s forced to watch you slip through his fingers.

wc: 1.9k (almost 2k fr)!

genres: best friends to strangers, unrequited love (or is it), best friends to lovers

warning(s): heavy angst, toxic friendship/relationship, heeseung is mean, very very mean, manipulation (nothing too crazy), refusal to take blame, and heeseung needs to be humbled imo...ANYWAYS, small plot twist but not really! (a/n: header is ugly because I made it in like 2 minutes since it felt naked without one 🤣☝🏽)

Lee Heeseung knows about your feelings for him at  the mere age of eight, when you give him the other half of your popsicle stick that you’ve just bought with your very own allowance. His smile is so bright taking the food from your hand that it doesn't even matter if you've spent all five of your dollars on the popsicle because as long as your youthful heart can see Heeseung smile, that’s all that matters to you.

Heeseung also knows about your feelings for him when you're both sixteen and he proudly exclaims that he’s finally asked Jisun out after months of pining after her. A hurt look flashes across your face for one, two then three seconds, then as if it was never there, it’s gone. He thinks it might have been a bad idea to tell you but he doesn’t reciprocate the feelings you have for him and in his mind, he never will. 

“Come on Y/N, it’s one party, please come with me please, I don’t want to be alone all night,” he pouts tugging at the sleeve of your sweater. Heeseung knows it’s not right to do things like this, knows he shouldn’t force you to go with him everywhere but he likes that you can’t say no to him, it swells his heart with pride to have someone care for him as much as you do.

“I already told you I have to study for midterms, go alone or with Jay.” Your tone isn’t dead-set and Heeseung knows he’s cornered you. He smiles as an idea forms in his head, maybe he can persuade you with just enough charm, it’s worked in the past so why not now?

“I seriously can not believe Heeseung got you to come, I know he said he could do it but honestly Y/N, I thought you were stronger than that.” It’s always the same sentence or form of it. It tugs at your heart, just like in high school people in college are just as aware of how you feel for him, even he knows it himself. He plays a blind man to your feelings.

An ache begins to pump in your heart, whatever liquor Yeonjun had handed you when you stepped in seems to not be working and that night as you watch Heeseung dance with Mina, you vow to yourself silently that you'll start your process of healing from whatever feelings you have for Lee Heeseung.

A few days later Jay watches a frantic Heeseung search for his phone charger in amusement, “Missing an important call?” He quips playfully, the whole house knows why he’s so desperate to charge his dying phone. The past three days since he ditched you at TXT’s frat party you’ve been ignoring his texts, calls, and even him.

“Hyung, why are you so worried about Y/N calling? Didn't you ditch her? I wouldn’t call either if I was her,” the small comment earns Sunghoon a smack to the back of his head.

“It doesn’t matter, Y/N would never ignore me like this. All I have to do is apologize with breakfast and she’ll accept it every time, we’ve done this before and never gone a day without talking.”

The boys can’t fully grasp why Heeseung is acting the way he is, to them he sounds like a desperate boyfriend after a fight that’s resulted in the silent treatment but Heeseung has continuously said he does not feel the same towards his best friend so they write it off as some form of separation anxiety and leave his room.

“I’m surprised you’ve held out this long Y/N,” jokes a sheepish Jeongin as he takes a glance at your phone screen that’s currently being lit up by multiple unread messages from Heeseung.

“I told you I’m ready to move on, I’ll talk to him when I see fit, I just need a few more days to myself.”

He hums in response as he lifts himself off his chair reaching a hand out for you to follow, “I’m proud of you ‘s all, he’s an asshole for using your feelings against you and making you feel the way he did, you don’t deserve that at all. You deserve someone who'd never ditch you." 

Two weeks. It's been two weeks since you've spoken to Heeseung, his room is a mess with clothes and books scattered on the floor, usually you come by and help him organize things. He's had enough of this. Your contact suddenly flashes across his screen while he's out on a date, he doesn't hesitate to answer, bidding the girl he's dropping off a quick goodbye.

“Hello? Y/N? I’m really glad you called me, I have so much to ask you but guess what, I just had the most amazing date-” he’s cut off by your loud sigh and for a moment his heart drops, you've never stopped him from ranting about dates.

“Heeseung,” his name sounds foreign coming from your mouth, “we really need to talk, I have a lot to say to you so could we please meet tomorrow?” He isn't sure why but his stomach twists at your request.

The meeting between you two is quick and to Heeseung's surprise, brief. You explain to him that leaving you at a party he begged you to come to had upset you since it wasn’t his first time doing so, you also tell him that you needed the two weeks of space from not only him but everyone else to care for yourself, and you’d hoped he understood that. Of course he did, he felt shitty just thinking about the situation and promised to never do it again, to be a better "friend."

Things after your initial break from Heeseung fall back into place quickly and it's as if you never left his side, but he could tell you were different now, you refused to go with him to parties if he asked and any charming tricks he had up his sleeve fell flat when you'd respond with a hard “No.” Heeseung also noticed the interest you'd taken in Jeongin, and that made him feel things he'd never felt before. 

It’s difficult to watch you flirt with one of his best friends, on one hand he should feel happy watching your attention sway to someone else after having caught it for so many years but on the other he isn’t happy at all, to be completely honest he feels bitter at the thought of you two together. 

“You're an asshole Heeseung, like a really big one, do you know how long Y/N has been in love with you? Since we were like eight playing cops and robbers in the streets, and she loved you throughout the time that came after and every time we asked, you denied any feelings for her, but now all of a sudden you think you might love her back? Just when she's finally healing from the shit you put her through? That’s such an asshole move dude, super low of you,” and as Beomgyu’s rant subsides Heeseung stares at him puzzled, what did he ever do that was so bad to you?

“Don't give me that look, you've done so much shit to her, hell I don't know how she’s still your best friend, if I was her I’d have left you already.”

Heeseung continues to give Beomgyu the most confused look ever and with a small eye roll Beomgyu answers his question, “You use her to get what you want but never have you done anything to show her gratitude or any reciprocated feelings. All you ever do is give her hope, you act like you like her back when you need her but as soon as you get what you want, you leave her behind. It’s fucking sad dude. You're a horrible friend to her honestly.”

Heeseung’s heart burns, he’s known his whole life that he’d done this to you but to hear it laid out in front of him now, he can see how terrible it all actually is. How had you continued being his friend? If he was in your position he’d have left ages ago, but you didn’t, and that single thought is what gives Heeseung hope for you and him. He knows it’s dumb, he knows he doesn’t deserve you at all, but he wants you terribly and if he has to beg he will, if he has to lie he will, hell Heeseung would drop everyone for you. All that matters is that you stay with him, not with anyone else, and especially not with Jeongin.

Heeseung can spot you from a mile away. His smile grows wide before dropping instantly as he watches Jeongin hand you what looks to be a flower. The look on your face mirrors Jeongin’s, it’s happy and full. You've never smiled at him that way. Heeseung realizes that the only smiles you give him now are filled with sadness. His stomach knots, why does he feel so unsure of you right now. He’s never felt this much uncertainty from you ever. 

He blames it on the fact that you two haven’t been talking as much lately. He blames the short break you had because there’s no way you’d actually stop wanting to be his friend, no way he’d ever lose you. You’ve always been by his side, and it will continue to be that way, because you love him and he has you wrapped around his finger. But, Heeseung knows deep down this security can’t be fed any longer as he watches you walk past him, hand in hand with Jeongin, not a single look his way, he's lost you.

It’s proven to him in the months to come as you slowly slip out of his pinned messages, as you take him off your private stories, and he has to watch you live your life through others. Heeseung knows he’s lost you especially when all together you stop coming to his rescue, won’t pick up the phone to hear his ramblings about dates and girls. He knows he’s lost you when you tell him you’re busy and can’t do what he wants. When you send him an awkward smile and gesture to your hand entwined with Jeongin's, as if to say, "sorry I'm with him now, you're too late."

If anyone ever asks Lee Heeseung about his one true love, he’ll say your name. He’s never been sure of what love is, never found it for himself, but he knows deep down that if he’s ever loved anyone, it’s you. You were the person he called at 3am when he crashed his car into a pole, you were the same person whose dorm had housed him a multitude of times when he was too drunk to crawl back to his own, the same person who loved him for years, until you couldn’t any longer and stopped waiting on him to give you the same love back, thinking he could never give it to you.

Heeseung likes to think that in another life he wasn't a complete asshole, realized your worth sooner, and maybe even had the balls to ask you out. He pictures himself in Jeongin's place, dating through college, moving in together after, getting married, having kids, living domestically. All he can do now is dream, maybe that's why he likes to sleep so much, because in his sleep-ridden mind, you're with him.

coco’s love note: mwahahahaha did you guys like the plot twist? are we happy 😁 are we mad? should we fight heeseung?! tbh writing this fic has been a wild ride, originally i had mc & heeseung end up with one another but then I decided that no, i didn’t want that, I wanted to show the results of a toxic “relationship” running it’s course through and through, that’s why heeseung never quite admits he’s wrong/he still feels entitled to mc even till the end! I wanted to show that he’d never change, even if he did “love” mc. anyways…thoughts?! comments?! concerns?! make sure to leave a comment or rb this with anything you’d like me to know or tell me how you felt about this fic :) muah ily! ty @odxrilove for reading it for me and not letting me change it again 😁🙏

ENHYPEN TAGLIST! - yeoforce @bloom-bloom-pow @nikis-mum @yourlocalhotgf @kyublr @spoooooooooooon @enhacolor @yoongimooni @blaqpinksthectic @gyuuss @eternallyhyucks @dinosdance @simpforsung @misschubswrites @junityy @jjunry @jwonsgirl @fxckingshame @stealanity @haoreo @jxp1t-3r @chaerybae @bobariki @vatterie @tytrackfebreze @veryjeongintxtkid @w3bqrl @heefys @haechan-nahceah @telesvng @queen-klarissa @odxrilove @s00buwu @j-wyoung

[cowgurrrl]

Strangers

Pairing: Javier Peña x fem!reader (cowgirl!reader???)

Author’s note: goddammit is this gonna be a thing

Summary: Javi struggles to assimilate back into civilian life in Texas until an old friend returns [1.5k]

Warnings: Texas Javi my beloved, language, addictive tendencies, PTSD symptoms, Javi + Steve 4eva, reader has a brother, southernisms, pining, yeah there’s probably gonna be a part two 🙄

Javi really did try his best to leave Colombia and the ghosts that pricked at his memory every time he turned a familiar corner. He wanted to do better. He felt he had to. Too many people died for him to just throw away his chance at life, but the days were long and hot, and he was so fucking tired. The nicotine patches stopped working, and the bottle suddenly wasn't enough to convince himself he was doing what he was sent to do. That he was doing the right thing. That he was a good person. 

He expected the feeling to leave him once he left the imaginary borders of Colombia and returned to the northern valley. He thought working with his dad and getting his feet back under him after years of being pushed and pulled at Reagan's whim would feel better than shaking down teenagers for narco information. Of course, it didn't disappear in the cacti and hazy horizons of Loredo or the arms of his father. It's only been a couple of hours, Peña, he thought. Give it some time. Who knows? Blistering Texas sunsets might be good for burning the blood off his hands. 

Except everybody in his small town knew of his exploits in Latin America. They knew his name was plastered to boxes full of evidence against the cartel and then some. They knew Chucho's boy was some kind of fucked up veteran or hero or whatever they wanted to call him. He avoided going into town more than necessary when he first got home because of how often he got stopped. It didn't matter if he was going to the hardware store, HEB, or the mechanic. Somebody ended up talking to him about Escobar or Cali. He couldn't escape his past even thousands of miles away from it. The only good thing about his newfound fame was the free drinks people pushed his way in the shit hole bar just on the outskirts of town. 

He tells himself to slow down, what with the early mornings and long days he's working, but it'd be a dick move to turn down free drinks, right? Sometimes, Javi loses hours in the bar, betting money on pool, flirting with women passing through town, and telling war stories of the jungle and sicarios and whatever else comes spilling out of his loose lips. He tells himself he's coping the best way he knows how when he comes down for breakfast looking and feeling like shit, his hair practically wet from lingering cigarette smoke, but he knows better. 

His dad deals with Javi's vices the same way they dealt with his mother's death: inefficiently and without making a sound. The most Chucho does is shake his head and sigh when Javi comes stumbling in at some ungodly hour. What more could he do? Javi barely told his dad where he was in the world. How was he supposed to tell him what he'd done? What he saw? What he allowed? No, his dad can never know. It'll kill him. It'll kill Javi to retell. 

Sometimes, Javi will call Steve and ask about Connie and the kids, and they'll act like they're old school buddies and not tethered together through tragedy and white powder. Steve will ask him about his sleep, and Javi will give some bullshit answer which makes Steve laugh. "Yeah, me too," he says one time. "Woke the baby up the other night 'cause I was talkin' again. Don't even know what about. Isn't that fun?" Javi doesn't give much away. He never does, but sometimes, it's just nice to know he's not alone in his struggle to get back to normal. 

Javi is back in town for a full forty days before he finally stumbles across you. At first, he doesn't remember you or your first name. Your last name, however, rattles around his skull until he finally gets the courage to ask if he knows you as he stands in line at the store. "You look familiar." He says, making you laugh. 

"I'd hope so. You were practically livin' in my house in high school." You say, throwing him back to his high school baseball days, spending time either in the field or on the ranch with your older brother. You were a little bit younger than him— the daughter of a weathered cattle rancher— and only caught his attention when you were in the way or being an obnoxious teenager. Man, did you grow up pretty, he thinks. Suddenly, he's hyperaware of his sweaty hair, rumpled shirt, and god-awful farmer's tan. 

"Last I heard, you'd moved out of town," Javi says, crossing his arms over his chest and eyeing you carefully. The freckles dotting your face from all your time in the sun should be considered lethal, especially when you smile. 

"Last I heard, you were engaged." Just as you did then, you don't hold your punches. The jab doesn't hurt, but it does make him laugh, an embarrassed blush crawling up his neck.

"Alright, you got me there," he says. "How's your brother?"

"Good. Married Suzanna a few years ago, and now they've got some babies running around." 

"They live around here?"

"Dallas," you say. "Dillon thinks he's too good for us and decided to be a real estate agent out there instead."

"Sounds riveting," Javi says and you laugh. The line gets shorter and shorter as you talk, but he can't focus on anything but you. "And you? What's a pretty girl like you still doing in this shit hole?" Something behind your eyes flickers at the comment and you take a deep breath, suddenly all too aware of how hot it is today.

"Somebody's gotta get Daddy off the horse every once in a while."

"And what? Your mama can't do that for you?"

"She knows better than to keep tryin'. I'm just as stubborn as he is, so one of us'll win or give up before the other." 

"Well, my money's on you." He says easily. You stare at each other for a little bit longer than necessary before the clerk calls you by name to get your attention. Your items are scanned, bagged, and paid for all in the span of a few seconds. You have no reason to linger in the checkout aisle, but you do, rocking on your boots' heels just a little. 

"Don't be a stranger, Peña." You say, looking him over as if you're seeing him for the first time. 

"I don't think this town's big enough for that." He says, and you chuckle.

"No, I don't think so either," you say. "Tell your dad I said hi." With all your Southern hospitality, you turn and leave. Javi watches you go until the clerk calls his name and breaks him out of it. Well, that and the sound of something crashing to the floor makes him reach for a gun he doesn't carry anymore. His shoulders brace for an explosion, and he can't catch his breath. He stares at the box and the broken jars in it as a pissed-off employee storms off to find a broom. He scoffs. 

Javi has dealt with some of the most dangerous people in the world, and jams are what spike his adrenaline. 

He tries to shrug it off and pay the cashier, but his ears are still ringing, and his heart is still racing when he climbs back into his truck. Fucking jam. He tries to forget about it as he drives home. He wants to forget about it. He wants to think of anything else. 

If that happens to be your smile, the way your laugh fills the air, or the inconspicuous way you looked at him when he complimented you, it's just a coincidence. 

When he gets home, he's craving a drink or a cigarette or something more physical to get his mind off of what happened. His shoulders slump with the weight of memory and Chucho sees. He always sees. He just doesn't know the right way to fix it. 

"Y'know, uh… your friend you used to play baseball with?" He asks, seemingly out of nowhere, as Javi puts away the groceries. He furrows his brows and gives his dad a confused look.

"I had lots of friends I played baseball with."

"He was datin' that girl you went to Homecoming with when you were a freshman?" Of all the things his dad remembers, of course, it's that. Javi resists the urge to roll his eyes and grinds his teeth instead.

"Suzanna?" He asks and Chucho snaps his fingers in a way that tells him that was the right answer. "His name was Dillion. What about him?" 

"Well, his dad heard you're back in town and invited us over for a barbecue," he says nonchalantly and Javi scoffs. "I'm not sure how he didn't know, but you know that old fucker's always out doin' something. Somebody probably told him something or the other. Anyway, you can say no. I told him you were still adjustin'."

"I'll go," Javi agrees too fast. "Might be good to… get outta the house. Wouldn't wanna be a stranger." Chucho is surprised but not displeased with Javi's answer, and they leave it as is. 

It's just reintegrating into civilian life. It's just socializing. It's just a barbecue. It's not an interrogation or a raid. It's coping. 

Apparently, coping could be really fun if he plays his cards right.

TAGLIST: @abbyhaslongshorts @kiwiharrykiwi @sumsworldz @myloveistoolittle @anavatazes @shyminnie07 @beezusvreeland @eddiemunsonsbedroom @harriedandharassed @doodlebob-mp3 @ignorethisplz2004 @buckyispunk @d1lf-loverrr @vee-bees-blog @moel-jiller @anoverwhelmingdin @casssiopeia @space-zaddy-din-djarin @rainy-darling @its-me-mila @mnn11ankamaaka

[notmorbid]

the reformatory.

dialogue prompts from the reformatory by tananarive due.

why'd you do a fool thing like that?

don't run barefoot.

school is holier than church.

everyone knowing your name isn't always a blessing.

i can speak for myself.

what's got into you?

you little shit.

you pushed me first.

what would ____ have done?

not all stories are suited for the ears of children.

you can only trust explosive secrets with three people, maybe four.

we should have run away when we had the chance.

you talk too damn much.

we'll get there faster if we cut through the woods.

sometimes life throws you a curveball, and you end up in places you never expected.

are the stories true?

i've never seen a more superstitious place.

there's no such thing as ghosts. that's an absolute fact.

evil is never plain to the eye.

stop fretting. just makes it worse.

sometimes the only justice is a hot meal and a bed to sleep in.

you know how to cook?

it could've been last week, for how well i remember it.

you think i don't know an evil eye when i see one?

if you're dead, stay dead.

you're scared of your shadow. always jumping.

who is it? who locked the door?

none of you can take a joke.

you seem more tired than usual.

you can talk sense when you want to.

men do evil every day and call it 'doing their job'.

i've heard all i can stand.

this is only a season, and it will pass. no matter what happens.

you don't bother me, i won't bother you.

you talk too damn much.

say you're sorry. put it behind you.

there's more ahead for you than this.

this isn't everything. there's more than this.

stories are dangerous.

if i needed you to, you'd cover for me?

no one stays nice. best to remember it.

go on. ask me what i know.

i wish i could say i had good news.

get a good cry out if you want.

you're not as smart about the world as you think you are.

no good talk starts at a bar.

mama used to say that unaired feelings ate you up inside.

i'm sorry. i've got no right to blame you.

don't tell your business on the phone.

hush that damn foolishness.

don't you be sick in my truck.

sometimes the worst thing happens. usually, in fact.

how do you believe in god, with all the bad things?

this whole world is a lie, the bad things and the good things.

you've got an answer for everything, don't you?

it's like you can see every thought in my head.

what did i ever do to you?

don't talk about my parents.

don't talk like you know anything about me.

everybody won't see. but you might.

telling the truth always breaks the peace.

one thing i've learned: everything seems fine, until it ain't. and then we come to see it wasn't ever fine.

i was never allowed to have nicknames.

____ made me feel like i mattered.

be strong. like _____. can you do that?

it'll be alright, as long as you tell the truth.

all a man has in the world is his name. your name outlives you.

i tried to tell you, didn't i?

you're so dumb. not the dumbest i've ever seen, but pretty damn close.

you don't get to ask about ____.

if you see me run, follow behind. no matter what.

please let me do something to help.

they wear you down one wrong at a time.

we should use a code to talk about it.

never give up a chance to laugh.

i'm beyond your help.

being dead isn't so bad.

you thought i didn't know?

does anyone remember you?

you need me, just like i need you.

constant worry steals everything from you.

i don't like strangers in my house.

you need a place to stay, and i have a spare room.

sometimes we say a thing to try to believe it.

i don't know what game you're playing, but it's a dangerous one.

the secret to war is the sacrifices friends make for each other.

we don't all sit around in a clubhouse. is that what you think?

let it out. but when you're done crying, we need to go over the plan.

wait a minute. just slow down.

we're no better than them.

some mistakes you don't come back from.

everything is a trick with you.

i don't want to kill anybody. not even ____.

[hyunsungies]

jealousy — han jisung

pairing: han x fem reader

genre: smut

word count: 3.6k

warnings: kinda mean dom han, unprotected sex, slightly dacryphilia, english is not my first language (sorry for any mistakes)

when your college teacher asked for that assignment in pairs and said that he would choose the duo of each one, you felt in elementary school again. your assignments always came out perfect with the girls you used to unite with, but this specific teacher said that you should train group work with people you don't know, since, according to him, it would be exactly like that in your future job.

therefore, you were forced to do this with a random boy from your class with whom you have never interacted before. there was no specific reason why you never talked to him. he seemed to be normal and everything, but he hadn't caught your attention.

“so, when can we meet?”

the boy asked you when the class ended. you both have scheduled it for next weekend at your house, or rather, jisung's house. you were dating for so long that you both decided to live together. you didn't feel very comfortable with the idea of going to the house of a stranger. han probably wouldn't even be at home, busy with the new album he was producing with the rest of the group, so it wouldn't be a problem for him, that's what you thought.

the moment you got home, you told him that a classmate would go to your house this saturday to do a job with you.

“only the two of you?”

“yes.”

“both alone?”

hannie looked at you with a grimace, not happy with the idea that you would stay home alone with another guy. he didn’t think you were going to do anything. he would never think that of you, but nothing prevents this guy from trying something with you.

anyway, he didn't protest or anything, he just nodded and went back to doing what he was doing.

when saturday finally arrived, you woke up next to your boyfriend in bed. you were cuddling for a few minutes before you got up to make coffee. jisung showed up in the kitchen exactly when everything was ready and then you ate together.

there was something wrong, though. usually, hannie eats in a hurry and leaves home very early to get to the studio, even more so in times such as the current one, of composing new songs, elaborating new choreographies... today, he was taking advantage of every second of breakfast to taste his food and tell you some news. when you both finished eating, he remained seated, chatting with you, which left you confused.

“aren’t you going to the studio today?”

“actually, no. chan allowed me to work from home.”

…?

so you mean that bangchan, the most workaholic man you know, allowed han to stay at home while they have a new album to release, all this just on the day your classmate will come to your house to do that assignment? you couldn't tell if that was an amazing coincidence or if he had told him about the fact that you would be alone with another man at home and begged not to go to the studio. well, you’ll never know. there was no reason to waste time thinking about it and you were actually glad that he would stay home, so you got up and went do the dishes while waiting for your co-worker’s arrival.

a few minutes later, you and hannie were talking in the kitchen when the doorbell rang. it could only be him. you spied through the peephole before opening the door, just to make sure it was really the guy. after confirming who it was, you turned the key in the lock and pulled the door handle.

“i’’m here.”

he greeted you with a smile and passed by you, admiring the surroundings. he didn't have much time to do that, because jisung soon appeared at the kitchen door and waved to him. the two greeted each other from afar and you introduced them.

“and that’s my boyfriend, han.”

“glad to meet you” the guy said.

hannie smiled and watched the two of you settle down at the dinner table, where you would do the assignment. your laptop was already on the table, so you just turned it on, while your classmate took his own laptop out of his backpack and put it on the table as well. all settled down, you two began to plan what each one would do, creating a sketch and dividing it into parts. you spent a few minutes doing this and, during that time, you completely forgot about jisung's presence in that house, at least until he appeared in the living room with his own laptop in hand and a headset. he mentioned that he would work from home, but you didn't think he would do it in the same room as you, separated by a small space.

both you and the guy stared at him for a few seconds before looking at each other, slightly disconcerted by his presence. however, jisung was not making any noise, with the exception of the keys he pressed with his fingers. taking this into account, you decided to turn your attention to the draft of the assignment and the dialogue you were having with your classmate.

as soon as the appropriate parts were separated, each one started their own work, in order to put everything together at the end. there were moments when you interacted with each other to make sure you were going on the right track. you were already focused a few minutes later, totally concentrated, when, suddenly:

“i didn't want to be annoying, but... can you ask your boyfriend to stay somewhere else? the noise of the keys is distracting me.”

he whispered to you. deep down, you suspected a lot of the reason why he had asked you for this. i mean, you were also typing on your laptop, but why did only your boyfriend's keyboard bother him?

even so, you decided to give in, because you knew how the presence of someone else in the same room can distract you. that said, you turned back in the chair and stared at jisung.

“hannie!”

he had his headphones, so he couldn't hear you, keeping focused on what he were doing. you got up from the chair and went to him, stopping right in front of his face. as soon as he put his eyes on you, han took off the headphones and waited for what you had to say.

“babe, can you work in our bedroom? or anywhere upstairs?”

hannie was visibly confused, not understanding why you were asking for this. he wasn't making any noise, so why ask him to get out of the room? when he looked at your co-worker though, jisung understood that his withdrawal was a wish of his and not yours only by the way he looked at him back. he thought about resisting and questioning you, but he didn't want to create an embarrassing situation for you.

“fine.”

he smiled at you and put his things together, going up to your room and disappearing from your field of view. there was no sign of frustration on his face. when you heard the noise of the door being closed, you went back to the dining table and tried to focus again on what you were doing.

“thanks.”

your classmate smiled as a thank you and turned the focus to his own work. that was strange, but you decided to ignore it. there was something more important now and you needed to finish this.

after a few minutes, you were able to concentrate again. sometimes, you felt the guy looking in your direction. maybe he was making sure you were able to deal with your part or whatever. even feeling his eyes on you sometimes, you didn't let your attention deviate from that assignment. things were flowing well. if you followed that rhythm, you would certainly be able to finish everything today.

silence reigned inside the house, with the exception of the keys you pressed. suddenly, as you finished writing a paragraph, you heard your boyfriend's voice calling your name from your room. some steps were heard too, so you thought he was walking to the room you were again. you diverted your attention from the computer and waited for him to appear on the stairs. jisung actually appeared, but he stopped on the first step and leaned on the handrail.

“can you help me here?”

“right now?”

you asked, not much in order to stop what you were doing. it would be difficult to concentrate again.

“it’s gonna be quick.”

something, you didn't know exactly what, but something made you know that it wouldn't be quick. even though you had this feeling, you couldn't let your boyfriend down. taking a deep breath, you got up from the chair.

“i’ll be right back.”

you told the guy and went towards the stairs. jisung was no longer there, which made you confused. when you arrived in the upper hallway, the door to your room was open. you walked there, thinking that he must be there, but when you entered the place, you realized that it was empty.

that's what you thought. suddenly, the door closed behind you and two hands grabbed your waist from behind. you would have jumped in fright if han wasn't holding you. before you could process what was happening, he got the strands of your hair to the side and started kissing your neck, walking his hands through your body.

“hannie, what are you doing?!”

you didn't move away from him, but you also didn't melt on his hands like you always do. as much as you love all the touches your boyfriend gives you, now was not a very good time for that. there were people at home and you had obligations to fulfill. however, han had no intention of answering you. he kept kissing your neck, until you separated from him and stared at him with a serious face. now that you were far away, he finally made mention of saying something.

“claiming you.”

“w-what?”

his answer didn't make any sense to you. with a naughty smile on his face, jisung began to approach you again.

“that guy, he’s into you.”

there’s no fucking way han was feeling jealous of a random guy you didn't even talk to. even worse, he really thought the boy was hitting on you, and he didn't do anything to indicate this.

“you’re out of your mind right now.”

“stop fooling yourself, i know he asked you to kick me out.”

after finishing this sentence, his hands were already on your waist once again. he kissed your forehead, then your cheek and finally your lips. it was a brief peck, so you could contest soon after.

“babe” you used the nickname in an attempt to make he listen to you “he asked for it because your keyboard was distracting him.”

“did you really believe that?”

it’s true that you found the excuse very weird, but at no time did it cross your mind that he had done it because he was interested in you. in fact, that seemed far from the truth. nothing jisung said would convince you that he was into you. even so, you didn't have an answer to his question, so you just kept quiet. when he realized that you didn't know what to say, he laughed lightly and kissed your neck again, as if he had proven his point.

“i need to go back, hannie…”

“then you’re leaving me for that asshole?” he whispered right beside your ear, licking your earlobe right after.

“i’m not leaving you, but i need to finish that assignment.”

“relax, darling. only a few minutes and i let you go back to him.”

back to him, not it. han wasn't talking about your goddam assignment, but about your classmate, who was waiting for you downstairs. before you could protest and get rid of his hands, jisung pushed you to bed and climbed over you, caging you under his body.

“hannie, not now!”

he completely ignored you, suffocating your words with an intense kiss. in a humiliating way, you ended up surrendering to him for a few seconds, feeling his tongue sliding into your mouth, hot and wet. a few seconds wouldn't kill anyone, right? you would agree to stay there if it were for a short period of time, but when han stuck his hand under your bra and twisted your left nipple, you realized that he had no intention of being quick, so you held his face with both hands and pushed him away from you.

“babe, let me finish that all. i promise i’ll be quick and then I'll give you all the attention you-“

“you’re not going anywhere now.”

jisung went to your neck once again and left a strong hickey there. you tried to push him away from there before he left a mark, but he didn't let go of you. only after making sure that your skin would turn purple, he went back and smiled when he saw the result.

“hannie, please!”

you didn't seem very willing to shut up, so he had to do it for you, kissing you once again. while you were distracted by his mouth, he took off your shorts along with your panties in a blink and left you naked from the waist down.

“babe…”

you tried to protest one last time. surprising you, han grabbed your neck with relative force, enough to restrict a little of the air passage, but not enough to hurt you. looking into your eyes, he said:

“we can do it the easy way, or the hard way. if you keep quiet, i'll be gentle. if you try to stop me again, i'll make that guy down there pretty aware of what we're doing.”

that was the last thing you wanted. when jisung felt like hearing you cry for him, he could do it easily, stuffing his own cock inside your walls so hard that the headboard hit the wall, making a loud noise, but not as loud as your moans. you couldn't take the risk of letting hannie do this to you now, or your classmate would certainly hear everything and you didn't want to go through this embarrassment. therefore, you touched your boyfriend's wrist and nod your head, indicating that you would give in to him. glad with your answer, he finally let go of your neck and gave you one more kiss, seductive as always.

accepting your destiny, you wrapped your arms around the back of his neck and pulled him closer. meanwhile, jisung lowered his own pants enough to leave his dick out. separating his mouth from yours, he put the tip in your slit and looked into your eyes again.

“you better close your mouth, sweetheart.”

you obeyed him instantly, silencing yourself with your hand. that was the best decision you could made because han thrusted into you straight away, not giving you a second to get used to the stretch. as soon as he fit into your walls, jisung grunted and began to move his body.

he had his face right above yours now, biting his own lower lip and suppressing some moans that insisted on coming out of his throat while you had a grimace on your face while using all your concentration so as not to emit any sound. it would only took a little more strength on jisung's thrusts for the headboard to hit the wall. luckily, he had fucked you often enough in that bed to know what rhythm he could follow without making any noise. you thanked the heavens for him collaborating with you. that would end really bad if that was not the case.

“too rough?”

he asked and you nod, hoping that he would slow down. this would help you control the moans, but he just laughed at you.

“i know you can take it.”

han said and continued to push himself in and out of you. this side of jisung is rare to appear. usually, he is very sweet with you while having sex. he only treated you like this on special occasions. today was definitely a special occasion: you had brought another man into your house, one who would do anything to be in your boyfriend's place now. jisung knew this very well and, for him, it was okay for you not to know this! your naivety was cute, but he was there to make sure the guy didn't take advantage of this.

it was getting harder and harder to hold your moans. han's cock was hitting your g spot, making your spine arch. he grabbed your hip tightly, sticking his fingers into your skin to hold you in the same place. the wet noise of the thrusts was loud, but you believed and expected that it was not enough to hear from the dining table. even if it was, you weren't willing to stop now that you were feeling so good.

“god… s-so fuckin wet...”

jisung moaned in your ear. he kissed your neck again, making you clench around him. you could feel that he was getting close by the way he was getting messier, licking your skin nonstop and moaning more often. he also increased the pace of his thrusts, as well as the tightness in your hip.

tears began to appear in your eyes because of the tension exactly when he turned back to face you. hannie was feeling like a good boyfriend, so he started kissing your cheeks where the tears start to run, wiping them for you.

“you look so beautiful crying… it makes me wanna go rougher...”

you looked into his eyes in despair and he laughed at your face. if he decide to do this, the noise would certainly be too loud.

“calm dow, i'm not gonna do that.”

your body relaxed a little after hearing this, but not enough for you to stop crying. the feeling was so good and, deep down, you even wanted him to be mean. sex with jisung made you stop caring about anything, including that guy downstairs. you would certainly let him go rougher at this point, thinking only of your own pleasure, but hannie gladly wasn’t doing this with you.

your mind was going numb. you wanted more, so you pulled your blouse by the hem to leave your breasts exposed and provide a show for sungie. seeing your breasts bouncing with his thrusts made him twitch inside you. hannie wasted no time, he soon lowered his face to the height of your nipples and began to suck them.

your tears increased. it was all too much for you. all that pleasure with jisung's mouth made your walls clench more around his cock. rolling his eyes back, he moved away from your nipples.

“s-shit! i can't take it anymore… 'm gonna-

before his sentence was completed, he came and painted your walls white. his thrusts were gradually decreasing until they stop for all and you were finally able to uncover your own mouth, taking a deep breath right after. when take his dick out of you, he knelt in front of you and climbed your panties in a hurry so that his cum would not slip from you. as soon as he put on your shorts again, he kissed your shoulder a few times and caressed your chin.

“can’t believe you managed to be quiet and let me finish inside you... that’s my girl.”

despite being unable to see his face, you knew that he was smiling right now. frustrated with the time that had passed up there, you got up from the bed in a hurry and left the room, leaving behind a satisfied hannie.

when you reached the edge of the stairs and saw that your classmate was still there, you thanked the heavens that he hadn't gotten tired of waiting for you, gathered his own things and left. as soon as you sat down in the chair again, he looked away from the screen of his laptop and stared at you.

“i'm back.”

“why did you-“

his question stopped unfinished. you imagined that he would ask you why you had taken so long, but it is likely that he already has the answer to this question, since his gaze was focused on your neck, probably where jisung had left a hickey. trying to mask it, you made a confused face to him, waiting for him to finish the question.

“nevermind.”

finally, the guy said and stared at his screen again. you decided to do the same, trying to locate yourself in the last paragraph you had written, which was being very difficult given the feeling of hannie's sperm running down your panties.

[richeeduvie]

ok so i’m in a super deep angst hole and i wondered what would happen if baby jr or baby were to be kidnapped, like how would roman react or the whole family and like how would the reunion would be like

Okay, Baby Jr being kidnapped is kinda funny to me

been a hot minute since I wrote something a lil long for Roman and Baby, and of course it has to be angst to get me in the mood <3

I know it'd actually be so traumatic and sad when it comes to Roman and Baby's little girl because you know she'd be so scared. All she knows is her Mommy and Daddy and the world they made for themselves. Even if nothing's done to her.

But I remember seeing this siblingroyoc headcanon tiktok where they were kidnapped as a child but Logan didn't do anything about it so the kidnappers felt bad and sent them back. Like, the Succession fandom is filled with geniuses. Anyways, I feel like this is what would happen to Baby Jr in the sense that she's kidnapped by people who don't want to hurt her.

Maybe they realize that along the way, Baby Jr was the wrong choice? She's the baby of the guy who got the fuck out of Waystar and is now doing...nothing but being wealthy? Who knows, I just know that what makes it funny is that Baby Jr would eventually calm down and try to be nice to her kidnappers. She asks if they can play Encanto while Roman and Baby are just panicking.

Just imagine that, Roman about to kill himself while Baby Jr's out there having a good time with her kidnappingbabysitters.

It would happen when Baby Jr's at school. Out of the week, after a hesitant Roman allowed it, Baby Jr gets to go to kindergarten for three days. There's the weekend and then one special day saved for the family. But with all the events of wealthy life going on? Roman takes her out of school so much.

So much so that the school staff thinks the person signing her out of class is just one of the Roy family assistants. You'd think private schooling would have a lot more security.

Baby Jr's happy to get taken out of school by Mommy and Daddy, but she slows with her little legs when she sees it's this...person. She's never seen them before. She puts her thumb near her mouth.

"Daddy told me to come pick you up."

Now, she's learned about stranger danger. Just not in the sense the stranger could get into her school and pretend it's one of the many people whose existence benefit minor activities of the Roy family. She's a bit nervous, but okay. If Daddy said so.

"...Okay."

Okay. So they go. It takes the little girl to see another person waiting for them in the car. They talk, they look intense on the face. All scrunched lines.

Baby Jr wants her Mommy. She'll see her soon, but she wants her now.

"Don't be scared, sweetie. You'll just be with us for a little while."

"She still thinks were taking her to them."

"...What she thinks isn't going to change anything."

What gets Roman, in the all of all it, is how long it takes him to find out his daughter is missing.

He's picking her up, picking at his coat jacket. Baby's at home, making brownie bars. He thumps his hands on the office desk.

"Mr. Roy."

"Hi, Ms. school office lady. Here to pick up my kid."

Roman wants to flick her nose. Why the fuck is she staring at him like that? He'll feel bad that he does when him and Baby Jr past the office and waves her little, chubby hand like she always does.

"I know. School's done in ten minutes, but my wife has brownies that are best when they're fresh, which - can somehow be insanely sexual? But yeah...sorry to be a dickfuck and pick her up but I sorta need her now."

"...But you checked your daughter out at eleven."

Roman doesn't blink.

"No. I didn't."

"Not you. I'm sorry, not you - but your assistant. One of them came in and signed her out."

Roman scratches his neck with his middle finger. It digs in at the end, a sharp pain against the way blood rushes through his ears. He blinks fast.

"Yeah...no, I didn't send any fucking...assistant you're saying? No, no one would've came to pick up my daughter but me today."

"Did your wife send anyone to pick he-"

"She's the one at home, baking. Like I told you a minute ago, I would tell her that I'm leaving to pick up our daughter. Which...I'm here to do so did you make a mistake? Someone pick up their own fucking kid and not mines and it's just her name in the system or whatever?"

The office lady watches Roman's finger shake, tapping quickly on the counter, like he's pressing a key over and over and over again. She swallows.

"Sh-she left. She was sent to the office and she went with him."

The tapping stops.

"...Isn't there a list?"

"A list?"

"A list of people who parents put down as people that can pick their child up. Only those people, which...you're Ms. school Office lady so I'm hoping you fucking know about the list. Ours has...has - we have Connor Roy, Frank Vernon, Shiv Roy. Her son is in the building right now. Unless you're telling me you let him walk the fuck out with a stranger? Right? Is that what you're telling me?"

"...I'm...I'm new. It's only my third day."

Roman stares. The office lady watches his chest begin to rise and deepen.

He closes his eyes.

"Did you say eleven?"

"Yes, Mr. Roy. I am so-it's most likely-"

"It's two. It's going to be two."

"Mr. Roy....Mr. Roy-"

The room and it's walls watches the way Roman pressing the heels of his palm into his eyes, stepping back and out into the hall.

"Oh, fuck."

The walls hear this high, cracking pain in his voice. Something panicked with angry coating his throat. Roman bends at his knees to the floor.

"God. Fuck, fuck - fuck! Oh, God. God. You-"

He gets up suddenly, every line twisted in his face with his hair messy. He jabs a finger to the office lady.

"Call fucking 911! You fucking bitch-you're-you're nothing! Call fucking 911!"

It's the sounds of shuffles and buttons, then ringing. Then cursing.

The brownies are done just in time when there's ringing on Baby's end.

"Roman?"

"You need to come down here. You need to-I um...I'm sorry. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know but you need to come down here and...fuck."

It's a cracking, soft cry. Baby can imagine Roman rubbing his eyes, or the bridge of his nose.

"What happened? Is she okay? Are you okay?"

Roman and her don't know that he feels like a child caught in the act of something bad. He needs to tell her something. He has to tell her something's wrong, and being the barer feels like a crime. It feels like he's going to kill her, and Roman doesn't think he's ever wanted to hurt her in his life.

"Someone fucking took her. They don't know who. The uh, the brainless bitch who gets fed off the tuition money said that it was someone who said they were one of our assistants."

Baby Jr turns to the cat paw oven mitts she got for Baby Jr. She looks to the tile floor.

"No. No."

She says it like saying no will change things. It's simple.

"Can you come down here, please? Please? I'm sorry, I should've picked her up earlier or...or shot the office staff in the head."

"When did h-he he...when did...was it a he?"

"Apparently. But I need that to not...not matter. Please, come down here."

It's all a plea where Baby doesn't know if Roman's on the verge of crying or he's just finished crying.

"I need that to not matter to you. But when? Are you asking when?"

Baby takes a breath that shakes with her body. She holds her palm against her stomach. If she presses in, she can feel her c-section scar.

Tears come as quickly as the panic.

"Roman."

"It's been two hours since they took her."

Baby's head tilts up, face twisting and quivering and her spine curves. She cries harshly.

Roman closes his eyes at the sound. He lowers his head.

"Can you come down? Please, I've sent someone to get you but fuck that if you just wanna come down here by yourself. But please, come down. Please."

It's an long, almost-gentle begging from Roman. He needs her body, he needs her for any sort of reality. He needs to cling onto her and he can't listen to her cry without wanting to touch her, bring her down. But he fucking can't right now because she's there and he's here and their daughter is gone.

Not gone. He'll do a lot of things if she's gone.

It's a big news story even before Baby manages to make it down to the school. It's a Waystar kid kidnapped midday. It's press, parents, people all over. It's a sea she has to cross. She can't cross it without notice, not when she's the mother.

But the flashes and callings fog out at the right of Roman. He's pale and brightly red all at once.

Baby Jr would giggle.

Her feet pick up. His don't even when he sees her. He knows he'll fall into the ground and he won't be able to get back up. But his face against her chest and his arms wrap like suffocation around his crying wife. Hers do too around his.

"Shiv's called about five times. And Karolina, for some reason, as if our daughter's on the company deed. I'm not even on anything anymo-"

"Did they find anything yet?"

Roman can't avoid that question because he's been asking it every thirty seconds. He gets more into a pale rage when the answer doesn't change.

"No. No, because they can't fucking do anything right. They can't find her. They can't-"

"Roman."

Baby pulls his hand away from his shoulder across. He was digging. She thinks he's colored a bit of his shirt red. She sees his coat on the steps of the school.

"Can we do something? Like fucking-they keep telling me I can't do anything and I get the feeling like I could rip their jaw apart but she wouldn't want me to do that."

Baby looks at the small of Roman's body, but the bigness of his rage and panic. It the fidgeting and shifting. For her, it's tears and questions where she can't afford kindness. As a mother, she can't afford cordialness to anyone at the moment.

"Mr. Roy, we got the security footage of them leaving the building. And...are you Mrs. Roy?"

Baby nods. The officer pulls out a phone, makes them watch the footage of a man dressed casually hold their daughter's hand.

Baby breathes so unevenly watching it, she wouldn't give anything to that man in the grained video if she could afford it. Roman keeps his mouth covered by his knuckles.

"Do you recognize this man at all?"

"No. I don't. Roman?" They both wait for Roman. His vein pops out and pumps. Pulses. His brow is raised under it. It's all harsh, it's nerves and it makes Baby even more nervous. She didn't know that was possible. "Roman?"

"Sir-"

He presses play on the video again. It's a short feature, ten seconds of bare information but Roman winds it out to forty seconds.

He presses pause.

"Roman."

It's a soft scolding as Baby licks and bites her lips, as Roman slaps the phone to the ground. He walks away, hands grabbing at the back of his head to pull at his hair.

"Roman, not this. We don't have to talk about everything, about how this happened, but we need to listen to them - we need to think about what's happened? Maybe? To figure out any information?"

She waits half as long in his silence.

"Rom-"

"Do you think she's asking for us right now?"

Baby closes her eyes. "Don't think of these things, baby. It's not going to help-"

She thought of every question she could on the ride here. Roman turns to her but looks to the ground.

"She's asking for us and wondering why we're not there? Our daughter's out there with people who will be dead come time and she's wondering why Daddy hasn't come to get her? Because I don't mean to think that highly of myself as a father but she wants her Dad to come save her and she doesn't know why he can't."

"She knows we're looking for her, Roman."

"She's five. She knows Mommy and Daddy, she doesn't know that things can come in between Mommy and Daddy. She's wondering where we are, isn't she?"

"Roman-"

"Why aren't we there?"

The way he asks the question, it sounds like years ago.

Baby cries silently, into Roman's shoulder when she tries to comfort him. It's this way until a phone rings.

"Mr. Roy. Mrs. Roy. The kidnappers have called, we have them on the phone. They've managed to get the chief's office personal number. With the information they've given, it appears to be a standard ransom case. They have said your daughter is unharmed-"

Roman's dragging Baby, both in the aftermath of their tears to the Chief officer.

"Give me the phone."

"Mr. Roy-"

"Give me the phone."

"Mr.Roy-"

And like a child, Roman snatches the phone out of their hand. It would be humorous if not for the situation. Baby Jr would've giggled.

"...Hello?"

How quickly Roman's hands find the need to pinch and peel at the sound of their voice would be funny too. His nose flares.

"I'm going to take the skin off your feet. Where is my daughter?"

"...She's fine. I said she's unharmed. This is not a political act, this is not a personal one against Waystar or the Roy family, although you can say we picked you due to your politics and what Waystar has done, but this is where we ask for ten million dollars in exchange for your daughter's safety."

Roman sniffs.

"Okay. I'll paypal it to you. Let me speak to her, though."

Baby's more than willing to give up anything for their daughter. She never expected anything less than Roman giving up ten million like it's nothing. Everything is nothing in the face of their baby.

"...Reall-"

"Put her on the fucking phone."

"...Alright."

There's shuffling. Roman and Baby wait as they barely blink.

"Daddy?"

Roman exhales something heavy. It's almost a laugh, but Baby cries fully again. Her forehead presses into the side of his head. Their breathing is unevenly, but somehow aligned with the other's lungs.

"Are you okay? This is Daddy. Daddy's sorry, honey. Did they hurt you?"

"No. We're watching Coco. I was super fear. It was crazy! Cause I didn't know anyone here, but they like Coco like I like coco. And they have Candyland! So it's okay. It is almost done. Where is Mommy?"

"I'm here, baby."

"Hi, Mommy."

It's so sweet and soft. Baby Jr hums.

"Daddy's sorry. We're-" Roman chokes on his own spit. "We'll be with you soon."

"Why are you sorry, Daddy? I go now, so you can say later."

Roman's stomach eats itself at the idea of her going. There's ten to eighty thoughts of how these people could be lying, how this could be the last time he hears her. It could be false, fake. He twitches. They could be doing everything his nightmares are made of. The things that are why he keeps her and Baby to himself.

This could be something that kills him. It drinks his blood and cuts off the air to his head and muscles.

But trusting these fuckers is believing she'll be in his arms soon, to never leave the penthouse or Mommy and Daddy. So, Roman lets her off the phone.

"We will text you the instructions on how we want the money delivered to us."

"Yeah, fuck you. Fucking bitch. You're so fucking ugly too. An ugly little nothing. You go ahead and do that."

Roman shoves the phone into the officers chest.

"Just, do whatever you want with my bank account."

It's a bit of time in trying to get ten million suddenly ready to deliver, but it's done. They wait. Roman can stop twitching and Baby can't stop wringing her hands. They both think of Baby Jr's room. They don't know the other thinks of the same thing.

"They've dropped her off at Waymond park."

They're at Waymond park way too quickly for the ride there to have been legally possible.

"Go fucking faster! Jesus fuck."

Baby wishes she could say that's not what she wanted to say to the driver.

Car doors slam when they see the little girl in the coat they made her wear to school on the swings. Always a bit too warm, that's how Roman likes it.

Baby Jr kicks her little legs. She lifts her head when she hears her named yelled out. She smiles brightly. Those little legs don't run sharply, and they can't catch her when Roman and Baby engulf her.

But they can catch her. They'll always be there to catch her.

Baby Jr giggles at how funny her parents are. They're hugging her like it's a competition to see who can hug the tightest and longest. So, she tries to join in. But she won't win.

Roman kisses her head as tears wet her hair, Baby's tears wet his. He kisses her. They kiss each other.

"I'm going to ask Kendall if we can borrow Colin."

Baby's not against that, not when she's a mother and her daughter's back in her arms.

[thezombieprostitute]

Dream Come True - Part 4

Summary: The “Garbage Men” are the guys in the mob who get the dirt on others and clean up after the higher ups. They have many different ways of gathering intel by running legitimate businesses. One such business is Jefferson/Jensen’s cyber cafe where you regularly go to work. You’ve actually become good friends with Jefferson’s daughter and Jensen’s niece. You even volunteered as their after-school tutor. One day, there’s a robbery attempt where you get hurt protecting the girls. This is how you are introduced to Curtis Everett, the guy in charge of the “Garbage Men”.

A/N: Reader is plus sized, femme. No other descriptors used.

Word Count: ~2000. I think this is my longest chapter.

Warnings: Bullying, Fat shaming, Insecure reader, Violence mentioned and referenced but not written. Please let me know if I missed any!

Series Masterlist

Part 3 -- Part 5

It figured. You had an interview in an hour and now Curtis had time to talk to you. You could probably catch a cab and still arrive on time, so long as you kept this conversation short.

As soon as he walked into the cyber cafe (your second home at this point) you stood up and got his attention. He looked a little surprised to see you standing but you remembered every time he's seen you so far it was in a hospital bed. It's been a few weeks and your leg was still stiff but you were diligent in your physical therapy and healing well.

He walked over to you, accompanied by someone you didn't recognize. As soon as he got close enough you directed him to the office in the back, "Jefferson gave me permission to use his office for this discussion." Curtis nodded and the three of you went into the room, closing the door behind you.

"Hello," you reach a hand towards the stranger, "I'm Y/N. I don't think we've been introduced."

"Mace," he shakes your hand with a smile. "We've never met but I have heard a lot about you."

"It's nice to meet you," you return the smile. Looking at Curtis you continue, "we need to talk about either my schedule or Hal's, Sir."

Curtis gestures to the chairs and you all take a seat.

You start, "I understand that there are a lot of things you can't account for in your scheduling but Hal has had to cancel every session I've tried to have with him. And if I'm not tutoring, I'm not getting paid."

"We can put you on retainer," Curtis started.

You interrupted him with a scoff. "I'm not getting paid to do nothing, Sir. What's more, this is hurting Hal. He wants to learn but your chaotic scheduling is preventing that. Do you know how discouraging that can be? To finally have a resource but never be allowed to use it?"

Curtis sighs and looks at Mace, "do you think we can figure out a consistent time?"

"It'll take some work," he replies. "And, as the lady points out, there are things we can't plan for. But it should be possible."

Curtis looks at you, questioningly and you nod your head, "thank you both. This has been very frustrating for me and Hal so I really appreciate it."

"Eh," Mace replies, "what's a little more work?"

"Well I don't mean to cut into your time off with this, Sirs," your tone apologetic.

"We don't do time off," Curtis cuts in.

"What? Why not," you demand. "Time off is important for physical and mental health."

"We have to show our people that we're not asking them to do anything we wouldn't do ourselves," Curtis replied calmly.

"That's bullshit," you exclaim. "No wonder everyone's schedules are so hectic! You're all too exhausted and worn out to think straight!"

"We've been doing this for years," Curtis angrily interjects. "It's clearly been working."

"If you, Hal and Jake are any indication it's only working because of an ungodly amount of caffeine and luck," you retort. "You either need to get some more people or start scheduling R&R for you and your employees, Sir."

You're so focused on Curtis that you don't see Mace smiling, clearly trying not to laugh. Curtis's eyes soften a bit and he nods in concession.

"Thank you." You check your watch, "now if you'll excuse me, I have an interview to get to."

"What?" Curtis looked shocked. You almost think you saw some hurt in his eyes.

"My work for you will always get highest priority, Sir," you assure. "But it's very part-time work, that you’ve been unintentionally sabotaging and keeping very part-time. And that overly generous back pay won't last forever. So I'm looking at getting another income."

"Do you need a ride to the interview," Mace offers.

"No, but thank you," you reply. "The Wilford & Gilliam Trust building isn't too far and I can afford a cab."

Both men froze at your words as you got up and tried to leave. Curtis quickly blocked your access to the door and nearly growled, "you're not going to that interview."

"Excuse you?" Your eyes widen in surprise. "I've already told you that my work for you will get top priority and that I need the income, Sir. Now please move. I don't want to be late."

"You're not working for Wilford & Gilliam," Curtis barked. "You need another income? Fine. I'll find you another job. But you're not working for them."

"It's just a part-time, data entry kind of job," you retort. "And it's consistent, reliable work."

"They're horrible people who fund even worse people," Curtis scowled. "I know you like your data to back up these kinds of things but I can't tell you how I know."

You scan Curtis's face, take aback at the intensity of his conviction. There is no room for doubt that he believes in what he's saying. "Okay, Sir," you concede. "You've yet to do wrong by me so I'll trust you. I will still look for a second job, in case you can't find me one, but it will not be with them."

Satisfied with your answer Curtis let's you leave. As soon as you're out the office door he sees the grin on Mace's face. He gives him a questioning look but before Mace can say anything they hear you exclaim, "Mr. Drysdale?!"

Both men rush out to the main cafe and see Ransom looking uncharacteristically repentant.

"Y/N," Ransom gulped, "come back to work for me. Please."

"No," you responded before trying to walk around him.

Ransom blocks your path, "please! I...I made a mistake and I would like to make it up to you."

"No," you repeat, patience wearing thin.

"I'll double your pay, please!"

"Hire someone else!"

"I'VE TRIED," he shouts. "Their work doesn't get me through writer's block like yours did. Their research is all dry facts that are hard to absorb. You wrote in such a way that it was easy for me to figure out how to write it into the story. So PLEASE come back to work for me!"

"Do you know why I requested remote work, Mr. Drysdale?" He shakes his head, not used to the iciness in your voice. "I heard you complaining about me to your grandfather, the one who made you hire me. You never had a problem with my work but you still insisted he let you fire me so you could get a pretty assistant. One who was, to use your words, preferably fresh out of college. Because how could you be expected to write when you had to look at ugly, fat ass instead of a beautiful muse?"

Ransom at least had the decency to look ashamed but you didn't relent.

"So I worked remotely, making sure you wouldn't have to see me and I wouldn't have to put up with your looks of disgust. And then, when I got hurt, you cut me loose. So, no, Mr. Drysdale, I will not be working for you ever again. I prefer a reliable employer who appreciates my work."

You try to walk past him but he puts an arm out to stop you. Before you can react to the arm, Curtis has pulled Ransom away, gripping him by the front of his sweater. You don't want to cry in front of everyone so you keep walking, set on going home.

As soon as you're out the door Curtis snarls, "you do not treat any of my employees like that." Before Ransom can reply Curtis punches him in the face and he falls to the floor. Curtis glances at Mace who responds with a nod, promising he'll see to the witnesses, before he lets himself run after you.

Thankfully it was an off time of day and the sidewalks were mostly empty. He spotted you right away and quickly went after you. He caught up to you but the tears in your eyes made him stop in his tracks. 

“Y/N,” he asked. “You gonna be okay?”

“Eventually, Sir,” you reply, still walking. “He’s not the first asshole I’ve had to deal with and he won’t be the last.”

“I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I should’ve stepped in sooner.”

“I’m glad you didn’t, actually. He needs to know I’m serious and that I’m strong enough to not need him. If you had stepped in before I was done talking, he’d think he could still get to me by going around you. This way I got to be the one shutting him out, giving him no room to think he could worm around.”

“That’s fair. I was incredibly impressed with how you handled him.”

“Like I said, not the first asshole to put my looks ahead of my worth.”

“Your prettiness is definitely a bonus to your good work,” he says before he can stop himself.

You stop and look at him, an angry expression and fresh tears on your face. “Don’t, Sir. Just don’t. I’m not interested in your pity.”

“I’m not…” Curtis stops himself. He’s clearly not saying the right things and doesn’t want to hurt you further. “I’m sorry.”

You nod and continue the trek to your apartment. He silently accompanies you. You’re hurt and he can’t fix it. If anything, he’d likely just make it worse. He never wanted to see tears in your eyes but being the cause of a fresh wave of them made him hurt in ways he never knew he could. 

“This is my building, Sir,” you interrupt his thoughts. “Thank you for walking me home and making sure I’m okay.” He nods, still afraid to say or do anything else, and you walk into your building, leaving him on the sidewalk. Part of him wants to follow after but he’s not sure he’d be able to actually do anything. Best if he just gets lost in his work. That’s always helped him before.

As he turns to walk back to the cybercafe, he sees Mace in their work van, parked on the curb. He moves into the passenger seat and sighs. As Mace drives away, Curtis says, “okay, we’ve gotta rework a few schedules.”

Mace chuckles, “if I’d known all it would take to get you to relent was a pretty face with a fiery spirit-”

“Don’t,” Curtis interrupts. 

“I’m just saying,” Mace bantered. “I’ve been telling you for a long while now that we need to give the guys a better work environment or they’ll burnout and make stupid mistakes. She makes one comment about how it affects her and you’re singing a different tune.”

“That’s not what happened.”

“I was there, Curtis. I saw it all happen.”

Curtis remained silent.

“I can’t say I blame you, though. She’s got some serious-”

“ENOUGH,” Curtis ordered. “Let’s just get to thinking about some more work for her.”

Mace took a calculating look at Curtis, “how about we have work with Colin and Mickey? They could use someone responsible to act as their manager. We could get better info from their VIP section if at least one person was sober. And you know they’d make her feel…appreciated.”

“No,” Curtis barked. “They’re idiots who would get her in trouble. I also don’t want her anywhere near the drug monitoring operations. If one of Rumlow’s goons pushes something on her…”

“Okay,” Mace interrupted. “How about Lee or Barber? She’d be pretty safe with them.”

“No. She’s too curious. Lee and Barber have information about us and I don’t want her to go snooping and suddenly be liable for our mistakes.”

“You’re intent on keeping her in the dark? She’s clearly smart enough to know there’s more to all of what we do.”

“But she has no specifics. No details. She can still claim ignorance and that’s how I want it.”

“Not sure how plausible an idea that’s gonna be. Especially when you two start dating.” Mace smiles a little when he hears Curtis’s warning grunt. 

“That’s not going to happen,” Curtis vows. “We’ll figure out something.”

“Whatever you say, Boss.”

Part 3 -- Part 5

Tagging @alicedopey because I promised I would.

@dontbescaredtosingalong

@icefrozendeadlyqueen

@texmexdarling

@veltana

@winter-soldier-101

Let me know if you'd like to be tagged.

[httpseungmxn]

Youthful Changes

Song Mingi x Reader(afab) 

Authors notes ;

This is dedicated to the biggest Mingi super fan I know, and also the love of my life, Kaizen 🫶 

Warnings ; smut, pwp, thigh-riding, degradation, dom!mingi x sub!reader

Triggers ; Slight Violence/Blood/father fighting son

This is my first time writing on here, and I was really nervous about posting this, so I apologize if there are any grammatical errors !

Sat in the car now, I attempt to remember everything that just occured in a matter of mere minutes.

It all had started when I, as well as my sisters, had been invited to a family get-together. However it wasn't our personal family. It was family we knew from when my mother dated my step-dad. It had to be well over ten years that we had seen them now, so getting an invite from them was a surprise to all of us. 

Thinking back to that time period, the woman and man we were decently close with in my child years had been always so kind to us. Allowing us to accompany them on trips, and stay at their house whenever we had trouble with our heater. However the boy they called their son was almost always nowhere to be seen. 

They always claimed that he would be in his room gaming, outside with friends, or even at school. I never believed it though, because as soon as we left to go back home, I'd pass his window and see him staring. Probably glad that us strangers were finally leaving. Ready to finally leave that mess he called a room, and do whatever he wanted to do.

Back to the current years, we never heard from them. I'm sure they thought about us, as we thought about them. However no one ever made an effort to reach out to each other. Well, until now that is.

Though, due to what happened here today, I doubt we'll be seeing them for a while again. Especially not the father. He seemed so angry when I was saying goodbye and walking out the front door. I could tell something was going to happen as soon as my body was out the door.

It all started when everyone was outside, talking with each other about what they had done over the years and how they had been. I always hated socializing, and finding a quiet place to chill was always my specialty. Though the only quiet place I could find, happened to be the couch in the livingroom.

Thats where I first saw him, for the first time in over ten years. He had grown quite a lot, and had a whole makeover. His skin a beautiful honey tone, and his hair as black as coal. I was startled when I saw him. Never once did I ever expect to see this boy, no, this man outside of his room while we were all over.

I slowly walked over to the couch and sat at the end, which unfortunately wasn't very far from him, since he decided to sprawl out right in the middle. I stared at the tv, feeling rather awkward because I didn't truly know how to interact with him anymore.

When I did muster the courage to glance over, he was staring at his phone and texting someone, I assumed it was his bestfriend or his girlfriend.

As soon as he saw me looking at him, a deep scowl came onto his lips and he tilted his phone away, “ don't you know its rude to stare at peoples phones. ”, the voice came out deep and almost made me jump. That was definitely not something I expected.

I somehow had dropped my phone in the process and got off the couch, kneeling to grab it from where it had landed. Just inches away from his boot. Glancing up at him briefly out of fear that he'd be even more annoyed or might even kick me.

What I didn't expect was the faint smirk on his lips, while he looked down on me like I was a bug he could squash.

Tensing as his boot moved forward right between my legs and up under my skirt. Letting out a soft gasp when I felt the boot press against my most sensitive area. “ are you crazy?! ”

Rolling his eyes and looking away, he pat his lap, “ get up. ”

I looked at him with wide eyes. Oh yeah, he was definitely crazy. “ no! You're insane ”, I hissed out at him, worried that someone would hear and think we were fighting. We were both into our twenties, so I don't know why I was worried that we'd be scolded lile children.

Grabbing my chin between his thumb and finger, he narrowed his eyes at me for a moment, “ I said, get up. ”

I gulped, nervous by this new interaction with him, scared of how close he was to me because I'd never been this close to a boy before. Doing as he said, and climbing onto his lap. Resting on his right thigh, looking away from him almost immediately. My ears were probably red and my face was hot from embarrassment. 

Letting out another soft gasp when I feel him start to move my hips, looking down to his thigh as he makes me ride it. Trying not to let out any noises that would alarm people and cause suspicion. My hand coming up to cover my mouth, slowly allowing myself to move instead of him pushing me along slowly. 

Eyes instantly shutting when the fabric of his jeans brushes my clit just right through the panties I'm wearing.

“ Wow, you must be a slut. I haven't done hardly anything to you, yet you're already soaked. ”, embarrassed by his words, hiding my face with my hand.

Letting out a startled noise when I'm pressed down on the floor suddenly, staring up at him scared. What was he going to do? Would he yell for everyone to come in and tell them that I had thrown myself onto him? Would he run to his father and tell him he never wanted us over again?

I was greeted with the exact opposite of either of those though as he spoke up. “  keep quiet, slut, I don't feel like getting yelled at today. ”, nodding slowly at his words, still trying to process all of this.

Moaning suddenly when I feel a bulge in his jeans press just right against my clothed pussy. “ I told you to keep quiet. ”, muttering a soft apology to him while covering my mouth quickly.

Staring up at him shyly as he slowly begins to grind the bulge against my clothed pussy. Slow and sensual movements to make everything feel right. And everything did feel right. So much that I could feel myself drifting to cloud nine.

Eyes rolling back slowly, hand dropping from my mouth and coming up to grab at his shirt. Just as a moan was about to leave my lips, his hand quickly came down over my mouth. Moaning into his hand as the grinding sped up.

This was way better than the grinding I'd do on my pillow here and there in the darkness of my bedroom when everyone was asleep.

This was mind-blowing, and something I could quickly get used to. Though, I doubt I would be able to get used to it if we continued to stay in circumstances such as this one. Keeping quiet as he dry humps me with our families right outside the back door. 

Mingi looked up to said door for a moment when he heard a voice but looked down to me almost instantly when the person walked away. I took the time to admire him as he fucked me while fully-clothed. He really had changed a lot since the last time, and I was starting to like the change.

I also had the thought of, if this is what it felt when clothed, how would it feel when naked? Would he ever treat me to something like that? Maybe I could get a ride up here sometime when his parents were away for a business trip or on vacation for an anniversary.

Those thoughts were knocked out of my head when my orgasm hit me like a train. Eyes rolling back, moaning his name against his hand. Looking back up to mingi to see the look on his face as he hit his peak as well.

Eyes shut and eyebrows furrowed from the extreme pleasure, mouth open as though he were going to groan but nothing coming out.

Letting out a soft sigh when he finally pulls away, sitting back on the couch and helping me up. My legs were shaky as I went to sit down, but I never got the chance because my sister was telling me we were leaving.

Saying my goodbye to the wife and husband, sparing mingi a longing glance in hopes that maybe he was feeling the same way as me. And luckily I was, he was staring at me with a faint smirk, and with a nod of his head I was walking out the door.

Thats when things must've gotten bad, because I could hear yelling and thudding as soon as I was outside. Worried but following along when my sister told me to hurry. Letting out a soft yelp when a loud thud is heard on the window next to me. The window of mingi's room

Staring at the sight scared and worried. Mingi was pressed against the window, his nose dripping blood. He didn't look scared of sad though, he still had a smirk on his lips and I knew he'd be alright when he winked at me. Hearing the door behind him shut, I felt relief flood into me knowing that the man had left him be. 

Looking back to him one last time and blushing when I see him staring at me still, eyeing me up one last time before he waved at me. Waving back shyly and quickly walking to the car.

That lead us back to this current moment, on our way home, mind never leaving the thoughts of the boy and what we had done in his livingroom. I wondered if his dad knew and that's why he was angry, but I was confused on how he would've found out when they were outside the whole time. My eyes widening in horror when I think of the cameras they had all over their beautiful house and the tablet in his hands that always alerted him of sudden movement in the house.

Cheeks lighting red when I think of the thought of the man having gotten an alert about mingi pinning me to the ground and dry humping me there. It would be embarrassing if I had to see his father ever again, especially in the near future.

My thoughts are jumbled when I get a text on my phone, and just as the blush on my cheeks leaves, it comes right back. Staring at the photo I had gotten, it was Mingi, sat at his desk with his shirt up to show off the bulge he had with a little text below it that said, “ don't think we're done just yet, slut. ”

Song Mingi was a wild card and I'd be happy to play the game anyday.

Authors end notes ; I don't know why its so spaced out, I'm really sorry for that 😭

Tell me if you want a part two or more ateez oneshots !

[naughty-shiro]

Sae and Rin fall in love with a sweet female reader?

"You make my heart race faster than soccer"

⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ ıllı Rin/reader - Sae/reader - seperate﹒ ♡ afab/fem!reader / silly crushes / Fluffy ✶ ᐢ..ᐢ﹒ ＞＜﹐🔗 reader is just the sweetest and I want the best for her @ :: ┆﹒♡ ✦. contains: confessions (both), secret admirer (Rin), denial (Rin), LDR (Sae),

☆⋆｡𖦹 Itoshi Rin

-͟͟͞☆ He had no intentions on falling in love, he can't, he won't allow himself to. He has to beat his brother.

-͟͟͞☆ If so... why did you manage to make him feel so weak in the knees whenever you smiled so brightly, the sort of smile that would sooth the soul.

-͟͟͞☆ the way your lips would curve upwards so effortlessly. The way he'd notice how your eyes would genuinely sparkle with excitement when something good happened.

-͟͟͞☆ you made him so weak in the knees and his heart would always speed up when you would enter his class to talk to your friends.

-͟͟͞☆ your voice... sounds like a fairytale princess, He becomes enchanted by it.

-͟͟͞☆ He hates himself to much for falling for someone especially when his rival (brother) is abroad getting better and he is sat pathetically smittened by some girl.

-͟͟͞☆ He often thought of what it would be like to hold you in his arms, oh how perfectly you'd fit, nice and snug. to spoil you with all the things you want to make sure that smile stayed. that same smile that Rin will never be sick of.

-͟͟͞☆ He would ask the people you would talk to and would right little love notes and put them in the locker.

-͟͟͞☆ After the first one, you would leave Rin a letter in your locker although addressed to "little stranger"

-͟͟͞☆ After a small letter exchange, he noticed how cute and pretty your handwriting is, he was thinking what part of you isn't so sweet and kind? This letter Rin wrote... it will be the letter that will give you the opportunity to find out who your secret admirer was.

-͟͟͞☆ Rin was confident you wouldn't hurt his feelings. Rin waits on the rooftop of the school, with a bouquet of white and lavender roses. He was a little nervous but he wants to show these feelings so he can get closure you both needed.

-͟͟͞☆ When you finally meet him on the roof: ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊��⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

"You're Itoshi, from my friends class right?" You softly ask. Slowly, you make your way to him, not sure about his demeanor, You were told he is quite unfriendly and distant. But, You wanted to give Rin a chance.

"I am... listen. I may not be the nicest and I may not be the easiest to be around, if you hear from others... and I like routine, I wish for you to become a part of that routine in my life, I want to dedicate time to you and you alone."

Rin notices blush creep onto your cheeks. "I..."

Rin grows anxious with anticipation, as if he is about to go for the winning goal, his goal this time not being a net but the enchantress in front of him.

"I would love that!" That smile Rin fell for is back. A small smile appeared on his lips. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me. I had feelings for you for a while now, but I didn't know how to approach you" With that, his heart started to accelerate, he didn't know how much you reciprocated until this moment. "You can say we were mutually pining," You shyly nodded to yourself.

"I have something for you..." Rin speaks which caught your attention.

"you do?" You tilt your head slightly, so sweetly. That doesn't go unnoticed by Rin, he found those little actions you did subconsciously so adorable.

"here, for you." With that Rin hands you the bouquet of flowers, the beautiful purple and white bouquet. Your cheeks heat up as you press your lips together for a moment, eyes a little watery. Rin notices before lowering the bouquet a little, more concerned for you. The tears made his heart hurt a little. "Are you okay?"

"y-yeah! I'm okay, just very happy" and that smile that caused his heart to race is back on your face. he had a soft smile on his face. he lightly lifts your arm as he places the bouquet in your arms. it was when he touched your hand is when he knew in that moment he will stop at nothing to keep you with him, his whole live.

──────────﹒★﹒﹒─ ─﹒﹒★﹒──────────

☆⋆｡𖦹 Itoshi Sae

ִ ࣪𖤐 if the blackcat and gingercat dynamic were in a friendship it would have to be you and Sae. of course the blackcat being the latter.

ִ ࣪𖤐 He met you in Germany, You were the daughter of the host family to stay with while he was in Germany (kind of like paying rent as well as helping out).

ִ ࣪𖤐 You showed Sae around, trying to get a conversation around him, unsuccessful however, he never protested your presence. You figured it was that he was more reserved and prefers to listen.

ִ ࣪𖤐 Once he asked for your number, and you notice through messages he is more vocal about what he wants.

ִ ࣪𖤐 Sae was drawn to your appearance at first, you had the qualities he was looking for. Of course, thinking it was fleeting. The more he was with you, the more he mind wondered to other forms of communication.

ִ ࣪𖤐 He had to return to Japan soon since his Visa was about to run out but he bought you a present with a card reading "nicht öffnen, bevor ich es sage" (Don't open until I say so)

ִ ࣪𖤐 You listen to the instructions, despite wanting to desperately open the small box Sae gave you before he left to go back to Japan.

ִ ࣪𖤐 You felt very lonely without having him to talk to, well having him to listen to you ramble about something completely out of the blue. You missed watching him play. You missed it all.

ִ ࣪𖤐 Sae misses your verbal rants, although you still rant to him though messaging, it's not the same. He figured this crush isn't going away anytime soon. He has to act.

ִ ࣪𖤐 He takes a little bit of time to work up the courage... what if you wanted just a platonic relationship? what if you only saw him as a brother?? Those are thoughts that were plaguing his mind before committing to what he was originally planning to do. ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

(imagine the conversation above and following are in German)

You send him a call request, Sae takes a deep breath before clicking the accept button. When he sees your face once again, he realised how much he misses you. "it's been a little while since we last saw eachother."

You nodded in response. "it hasss! So what did you want to discuss?"

it was silent for a little as you were wondering what caused him to be so silent. "are you okay?"

You ask silently, He snaps out and nods. "Yeah, I'm alright. Have you opened that gift i gave you?"

You shake your head as you start to play with your sleeves. "you said to not open it until you said so... so I decided to wait until you told me to..."

he lightly smiles as he is glad you kept the instructions you kept for him. "I want you to open it now."

You nod as you start to lift the silk ribbon on the box, he kept an intent gaze on you. You pull out a shirt and a bottle of collogue.

"Sae, what are these for?" You ask intently. he clears his throat.

"well... I'm not sure if you like me romantically, but on the off chance you do and I won't be able to return any time soon, that is one of my tops, it used to be my favorite but you mentioned how much you liked it on me and you always complimented my collogue. if you ever miss me you can wear the shirt and use the collogue. Do you accept my confession?"

You were stunned and Sae could see that. He gave you a moment to think.

"...愛してる" You mutter, which caused Sae to widen his eyes in surprise, he felt his heart race faster than he ever thought was possible.

"you reciprocate?" He asks, somewhat in shock. He notices you nod.

"it was a shame we didn't start dating before you left... I would have loved cuddling you." You pout lightly.

"When I return to you, we can cuddle while you rant your life away once again."

.・゜✧﹒☁﹒✧゜・．.・゜✧﹒☁﹒✧゜・． ≡^∇^≡ (Masterlist) !! ↓ ✭ (Events) ≫ (Request rules / Tag list/ anon list) <3

[666writingcafe]

The Adventure Begins

Levi's overacting. Again. The only reason it wasn't obvious during the school play was because Simeon kept him reined in. Levi gets excited quite easily, and it causes him to get lost in whatever role he's playing.

I'll have to ask Simeon, but I don't think he intended the Lord of Shadow to act so...dramatically? badly? I don't know how to describe it, really. It just isn't very good.

Unlike MC. I'm not sure why I like their acting better, especially since they're currently matching Levi's energy. Maybe it's because they're intentionally hamming it up. They did mumble an apology to me before they started talking to him, after all, so they must know that Levi's acting isn't the best.

Satan's isn't much better, either. He's not as over-the-top as Levi, but I don't find him convincing as the "villain" of this story. If anything, he'd make a good anti-hero, but Solomon probably didn't want to make things too complicated.

Solomon's not a very good author.

However, I'm choosing to keep all this to myself, because the point of all this is to help MC get their first star. Lucifer, on the other hand, is having a hard time suspending his disbelief. So, I understand why MC told him to shut up. I just hope they're prepared to get their ass handed to them once Lucifer's back to normal size, because while he has a soft spot for MC, he doesn't like being silenced. Messes with his pride.

Speaking of which...the stars.

They represent the seven virtues, which are direct opposites of our sins. For me, that virtue is temperance. Solomon probably knows this, but he may not realize the full extent of my relationship with temperance.

Once upon a time, I was able to control myself and my urges. Until I wasn't. For my brothers, their sin was triggered by specific events; that wasn't the case for me. It just...happened. And I didn't realize it until it was too late.

Now, it's what most people know me for. They think I'm a meathead that only thinks about food. Even my brothers.

Which isn't fair.

Why are they allowed to have complex personalities, but not me? Why can they participate in mentally stimulating activities, while I'm cast off to the side and dismissed as too dumb to understand any of it? It's never made sense to me.

I think that's part of why I like MC so much. They're the first person in a really, really long time that sees me beyond my sin. They actually listen to what I have to say and seem to value my opinion, even if it's not related to food or sports.

Yet somehow, deep inside, I don't fully trust them. I think it's coming from my subconscious. Somewhere in there lives a hurt angel that feels like everyone he cares about will die and leave him behind. And in a way, it's true.

Lilith may have been the only person in our little family that actually lost their life, but my brothers barely resemble what they were in the Celestial Realm. It's weird. They wear the same faces, but they're completely different people. Sometimes, I feel like they're complete strangers, or perhaps taken over by aliens.

Oddly, the one person I can rely on to stay the same is Satan. Then again, he didn't have his own form until we arrived in the Devildom, so this version of him is all I've ever known.

"Beel?"

Shit.

I missed a lot, didn't I?

"Are you okay? You seem out of it."

"I could say the same to you." Why is that the first thing that comes out of my mouth? I sound like a jerk.

MC merely sighs as they sit next to me on the...bed? I take a proper look at my surroundings and realize that we're in a hotel room of some kind. Lucifer appears to be sleeping on the nightstand, using tissues as both pillow and blanket.

"Wanna go first, or shall I?" Interesting question. They don't seem upset at me.

"Your call." MC rests their head on my shoulder.

"Simeon needs my help making an important decision." Their tone indicates something serious.

"With what?" MC sighs again.

"His future." Huh? Why would an angel need a human's help with that? I know that the two of them are fairly close, but still.

"But that's neither here nor there," they quickly add, sighing. "It's not like I can do anything about it now." They glance up at me. "What's on your mind?"

"My past."

"As an angel?" I nod.

"Back then, the only thing that mattered to people was that I was strong. I wanted to be useful, so I decided to become a soldier and fight for the Celestial Realm. Problem was, I had trouble controlling my powers."

"Like I did before receiving the Ring?"

"You know, I hadn't really thought about it until you said it, but yeah. I suppose we have that in common. In your case, everyone had your back, which is good, because I wouldn't have wanted you to go through that experience the way I did." MC sits up and properly looks at me.

"What do you mean?"

"Every time I would destroy something--even though most of the time it was a complete accident--Raphael would make some sort of sarcastic remark about it. I think he started calling me the Hulk at one point, but it was meant as an insult." I pause.

"At least he had the decency to do it to my face. Lots of angels would talk shit about me behind my back. They thought I was too stupid to pick up on it, but I knew. They acted overly sweet towards me whenever I would walk in the room. Condescending, even. It was like I was a dumb kid to them." MC places a hand on my thigh and pats it.

"Sounds depressing," they remark.

"It was. Oddly enough, the one person in authority that didn't treat me that way was Lucifer. I initially thought he was too busy with his duties to really care about much else, but then one day he approached me and started talking to me. We had a legitimate conversation."

"About?"

"He told me to keep in mind that being a Celestial Realm soldier wasn't about attacking--"

"--but protecting." We must have woken Lucifer up. "You had the power to protect everyone--to keep them safe--and that you shouldn't feel bad because you were special. If you learned to control your powers, I'd recommend you to the cherubim and have you serve as a Celestial Realm gatekeeper. You did, and so I kept my promise." Lucifer beckons MC to pick him up and bring him closer to me.

"MC and I may be connected by the Ring of Light, but the two of you have a strong connection as well," he continues. "You're both motivated by the need to protect the ones you love, even if it means sacrificing yourself in the process. Drawing on that similarity is going to be the key to pass Solomon's test."

"Are you saying Solomon knew we had that in common?" MC asks incredulously.

"No. I did. I simply passed the knowledge along to him."

"How long--"

"The rooftop."

"Of Dogi Magi?" I'm glad MC understands what he's referring to, because I'm completely lost. Must have been something I wasn't involved with.

"You knew that Belphie would hurt you if you went against his order to reject me, but you did it anyway."

"I didn't want to lie to you."

"Because that would have meant hurting his feelings." Asmo may have used his powers to pick up on Lucifer's crush on MC early on, but I knew pretty much from the moment they set eyes on each other. Granted, he was more attracted to their soul initially, but who could blame him? It was bright and shiny, even back then. If we weren't under orders to not eat them, then they wouldn't have made it out of the assembly hall alive. Even Diavolo was struggling to contain himself.

Anyway, the point is MC cared enough about Lucifer in that moment to feel the need to protect him.

Just like I felt the need to protect Lucifer after I became a cherub.

MC's going to get their star.

[daz4i]

ok now i'm at home in bed and can make a proper post with all my thoughts. gushing abt personal stuff and possibly getting into sensitive territory here and there under the cut

today was really nice 🥹

i love our group i'm so glad i got to meet them i'm so glad they are a part of my life

everything went well. i'm honestly. extremely proud of myself for making it through this entire process, and not giving up like i at times wanted to. the last few weeks where my role was tweaked a little were super fun and today was the highlight, like seeing and hearing the audience clap even when i did just the littlest things was so. satisfying

after the show lots of people, including complete strangers, came up to me and told me i was great and that i was both funny and touching and they loved my part, i got so many hugs ahdjkflg 😭😭😭 beyond the clapping and laughter i got during the show which were already nice 🥹

the show itself was received better than i expected, and i started liking it more in recent weeks too hehe. we leaned into the campiness of it even more and it made it so much more fun to experience

it reminded me how much i love theater and how much i love being on a stage and not to sound spiritual or w/e but i truly was meant for this like this is what i'm supposed to be doing. i hope i can some day do it for money lol enough to make a living at least :P

. my whole body hurts (fr this show was so much exercise for my lazy ass 😩) but it's a good kind of hurt? bc it comes with satisfaction. hope i don't regret saying this tomorrow :P

in addition to playing in the show i was also somewhat of an assistant director lol. both our director and someone from the management team who was involved in the process mentioned it to my mom separately, like our director praised me for this and said my insight was always helpful and that i had great ideas omg 😭 this entire time i was worried that i'm like. taking over too much or smth bc i always had shit to say abt everything fr :P but ig it was received well 🙏 here and there i gave comments to other actors too to remind them stuff or correcr certain movements or lines and i was always worried it annoyed them but. they never got mad at any point. so maybe i can accept that i'm allowed to take space and offer my insight and not only will nothing bad happen, but good things will happen even hehe.

so this is where i get into the sensitive stuff i mentioned. bc if you follow me then you probably know my mental state is Not Great to say the least. and while i did have a lot of anxiety today (even got 2 pieces of somewhat bad news during the day which ofc were both huge bummers) i didn't think abt wanting to die even once. at some point my mean brain tried to bring it up and i managed to shut it down immediately which practically never happens (even when i'm having fun with friends it usually takes a bit more time for me to shake the thought away). which is kind of amazing and also another confirmation that i should be doing this more probably. i think

and. i mentioned being proud of myself. that's also smth that never happens but my aforementioned mean brain can't argue this time bc i absolutely objectively DO have the right to be proud of myself for everything i've done

less than one year ago i barely went out, maybe twice a week at most. the only people i met regularly were my parents (bc. i live with them lol) and my close friends. now i go out 4 times a week at the minimum and i interact not only with my fellow actors but other people in the art program as well, i use public transport which i basically never did since i was like. in high school. and talk to strangers even though I'm still terrified

i didn't just go on a stage but allowed myself to be filmed and managed to look at pictures of myself from the dress rehearsal despite having Issues™️ with this sort of thing. being seen wasn't bad. it was good even. i didn't feel as self conscious about the whole thing as i usually do basically

it's kind of amazing to see how much i've changed tbh. achieved. i didn't think smth like this could happen, let alone so quickly (and during. a literal war. that obviously didn't help anyone's mental state)

like. i mentioned being proud of myself. and this is a part of it, doing things that are so huge for someone like me and compared to who i usually am. but i think even compared to a normal person, i did a pretty damn good job that most people don't normally do, and i absolutely earned the right to feel good for the work i put in

^even thinking this is like chewing glass for me so this is ALSO an achievement actually. me feeling good about myself i mean. feeling pride. acknowledging my own success. makes me look back at other things i do/did that others are proud of me for and go "huh. i guess they're right" even tho i denied it before

idk. maybe i'll get a major adrenaline crash and forget these feelings tomorrow. maybe they'll last for a few days. maybe they'd even make a long term mark! who knows! i guess we can only hope (realistically speaking, the way i know myself, it won't stick :P but who knows. maybe just like i am currently building myself and my life little by little, i'll keep accumulating successes like this little by little too, solidify my self esteem a bit more at a time lol

idk how to finish this post. uh. if you read this i'm kissing you on the mouth. i'd say i hope i don't sound too conceited but nah i earned the right to be so anyway 🧐 no one gets to tell me otherwise

[avpdvoidspace]

Do you ever struggle with being demonized for your quietness? I have, pretty much my whole life. I think it's a huge problem in society, if I'm being honest. I'm tired of acting like my whole child-self was in the wrong for not being able to bring myself to talk in a lot of situations, especially since I didn't get diagnosed and treated for my disorders until I was an adult. To be honest, I think it's society's way of demonizing people with AvPD, non-verbal autism and selective mutism. Thinking people like us are "rude" or "suspicious" for only speaking when spoken to, or having a non-verbal episode where we can't speak at all. I was suspected of being violent or "hiding something". Also I was deemed "weird" and treated like some alien due to other neurodivergencies as well.

People on this website sometimes act like being quiet is also a weakness or result of privilege. My parents were encouraging me and trying to get me to speak all the time, though. No one was saying "you don't have to speak if you don't want to". My father used to get angry with me about it, calling me "weak" and my mother used to guilt-trip me for it, claiming I "never tried hard enough" for her because I couldn't get myself to be neurotypical.

I also grew up in a world of domestic violence. My mother told me the abuse she faced from my father started getting particularly worse when she was pregnant with me. I was a little child born on-edge and having to walk on eggshells. My parents would get into violent fights with each other and my father would hit me, too. Both my parents worked and instead of spending time at home playing or bonding with family like other kids did, I was made to go to headstart when I was only like 2. I know it might seem like not a big deal, but thinking about it, I didn't have the same experiences that average kids do, and I still don't know if whether or not that contributed to my avoidant personality. I didn't even realize most kids don't even start school until they're 4 or 5 until I was much older. People have been getting me out there and encouraging me to socialize with others since the very beginning. It never worked.

I spent my whole life hating myself for it. I felt like I was never competent and that I was a burden on my mother. And there were many times I did try to make connections with others but they ended up either backstabbing me or shaming me for my interests. I regret a lot of the times I allowed myself to be known by others. There are many memories of me simply saying things to people that make me feel awful. Terrible disorder.

I did manage to make and keep some friends. But also I'm still not truly myself with most of them and still afraid they're going to end up demonizing me too if they knew more about me. Being queer and growing up with having kinks has left me with seeing so much family, strangers, and even other queer people say people like me are "freaks" and "degenerates" to my face without knowing they're talking someone who's exactly the kind of person they think should be killed.

I saw a post recently and honestly, it doesn't even apply to me. However, it still managed evoke a lot of negative emotions and memories I am experiencing right now...

So there's this post going around that goes something like "discourse about letting kids not say 'trick or treat' is concerning"(paraphrasing) which was weird to me at first because I've never seen anyone say they allow their kids not to say it. I've always said "trick or trick" during Halloween as a kid, even adding some "meows" because I liked being a cat. So it doesn't even apply to me.

But then there were people acting like not saying it comes from a place of privilege. Someone was like (paraphrasing again)"when I was giving out candy, all the black children were lively and sweet, and all the kids who didn't say it were white and probably middle class".

And that struck me a bit. I'm mixed race. People treated me like a potential violent threat because of my quiet nature, which was a result from trauma, not anyone "babying" me. I was always working class. My parents didn't even own a car. We used public transportation to get everywhere.

BIPOC kids who are quiet get treated as threats! Of course you fucking enjoy lively black kids. If one of them was quiet, you might demonize them...

Then there were people saying "you people just need to grow up."

It's so strange that traits that apply to non-verbal autism or CPTSD get deemed as "social anxiety", because tumblr thinks that is the lesser disorder.

I don't know. I got a lot of bad memories spring up from seeing that post, and I just wanted to vent about it here. So many people demonized me for being quiet growing up and it made me believe I was a monster for so long.

I'm not even saying I encourage the behavior of refusing to talk to people. I had a nice conversation with an old woman at Dunkin yesterday. I enjoy small talk and listening to others talk, even when I can't add much to the conversation. I just worry about other children who are like how I was growing up, being traumatized and quiet and being treated like shit for it... I don't trust anyone sees "quiet" as "rude"

I'm sorry about the length and I hope you're doing well.

anon, I'm sorry this took me so long to post. I just want to say that your ask really resonated with me and I've thought about it several times since receiving it. I get similarly frustrated when I see priveleged people praising marginalized for being more friendly, more whatever, for similar reasons. Or setting up an oppression competition between two groups they're not even a part of.

[lynaferns]

I had another DCA dream last night.

It started out with me in what I originally thought was a school, but I never really did figure out what kind of building it was exactly. It was HUGE and had multiple different theater stages (along with backstage areas). Some of them were kind of empty and just had people working on stuff while others had some pretty broken-down/neglected looking animatronic bands (which were kind of like the Rockafire and old Disney ones). I was looking for a very specific one because in the dream I knew Sun was around somewhere.

I did end up finding him after a bit of searching. He was laying on the ground next to a wall. I went over to him and kneeled down beside him. I asked if he was okay and he suddenly got up and hugged me. He didn't say anything to me at that moment though.

After a bit we ended up leaving the building. Outside the sky was mostly dark grey and cloudy, but the sun was able to shine through the clouds. It was getting close to sunset. We walked for a while on a dirt path before we ended up in a very urban area. It seemed like some kind of indoor city. The alleys we walked through were very dimly lit, which made Sun pretty nervous. We switched what side we were walking on a few times so he could stay on whatever side had the most light.

We eventually ended up in some kind of mall. Me and someone else who just materialized out of thin air were planning on heading into a bank for some reason. I told Sun he had to stay outside since they wouldn't allow cameras inside. Sun didn't want to leave the two of us (still nervous), and after a bit a guy who worked in the bank walked over to us and kinda looked Sun over. The man then for some reason told Sun he needed to go into this one dark hallway (which lead outside; it was night time by now) for a moment. Sun did go, but seemed scared. I followed after a moment, but he ended up seeming to fall off a ledge once he got far enough outside. I walked over and noticed there was a ledge which overlooked the ocean. I looked down and saw Moon lying on the ground, motionless. The fall was pretty far and there was a bit of ground below inbetween the ledge and the water.

The dream then rewound and replayed the part where Sun fell (becoming Moon at that moment) but I was there and managed to catch them. Moon didn't say anything afterwards, and we ended up quietly heading back inside, Moon turning into Sun again. The man who had talked to us before seemed pleased with whatever happened and let all three of us inside. The man handed me about 6 small keys and said something I don't entirely remember, but I think it was something along the lines of him not feeling right just keeping them?

Once we were in the bank, Sun just kinda vanished from the dream, but me and the other person ended up finding some locked drawers that had symbols on them. One had a sun, an eclipse, and three different moon symbols on it (one was a crescent moon on the left, another on the right, and one was also on the left but had a red hue). We ended up opening it and there were a bunch of small items inside. I don't remember exactly what they were, though. Me and the other person talked about it and wondered how it was linked to the DCA. We then were able to unlock a drawer that was directly under it which had Jack-o-Moon's burlap pants inside??? We were both like :O !!! about that.

The dream ended not long after that.

These dreams always end when the most interesting thing is going to happen man...

This feels like I read an unfinished fic, it has the y/n experience of: stealing the DCA from their previous place, looking at the sunset together, night walk, creepy place, stranger wanting to hurt the DCA, y/n doing something impossible to save/help the DCA, mystery, and somewhere along those lines there was time travel!

Have you been reading stuff like that lately? May be the reason is manifesting in dreams lol.