#nerdle talks to herself

[nerdle-turdle]

Perhaps it's because I've never actually dated someone, but I can never write beyond the confession in a fic. Unless it ends in despair.

[evxngrxyscn]

[ Soft ]

Evan felt her presence, quiet and tired as she entered their mostly dark dorm room but for the soft glow of the night light she’d left on for Harper. Wherever Harper had gone, she’d wanted some space away from everyone else. Evan understood that.

She lay on the bottom bunk with her blanket pulled up over her head, and she heard a soft sniffle coming from the other. Evan knew her room mate long enough to know that something was wrong, bu she wasn’t telling what. She listened to the rustling of Harper’s clothes, and once she was sure the other was changed, she pulled the covers down, eyes slightly squinted. “Hey,” she greeted in a quiet whisper.

“Oh, shit. I didn’t mean to wake--” “You didn’t. C’mere--” “I’m tired, I think I’m--” “Shush.”

Evan scooted closer and reached out to grab Harper by the wrist. She tugged her over until Harper had no choice but to climb into the other’s bed. Evan lifted up her covers, and once Harper was in, she covered the two of them with the warm duvet once more. Gently wriggling closer, Evan wrapped an arm around Harper and pressed their foreheads together. She loved the smell of her best friend’s shampoo and smiled quietly to herself.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong right now,” Evan murmured, reaching up to push the wild mop of curls away from Harper’s pretty face. “You know I’m gonna get it out of you sooner or later, but we don’t have to talk right now,” she said, leaning forward to kiss the other’s cheek. Being this close to Harper wasn’t something new. For years they’d been in each other’s personal space. But it was only recently that she felt like her heart beating faster, and felt a growing desire to just kiss her.

Harper leaned into Evan’s touch, eyes closed with no words to spare. Harper always seemed like such a pillar of strength. Tall, proud, and sarcastic. But something had gotten to her tonight, and Evan wanted to shield her from whatever was causing her grief. Harper scooted a little closer and their legs tangled together.

“As if. You’re not getting a word out of me, nerdling,” Harper said in a half-hearted attempt at a joke. Evan smiled softly and shook her head, then pulled back for a moment, soft brown eyes fluttering open.

“You know I love you, right?”

That gave Harper pause. She wanted to speak, and her own caramel eyes peered into Evan’s in the dim light of their room. Before she could say anything else, Evan’s impulses got the better of her. Her hand gently reached over, tilting Harper’s face up, then she closed the distance between them, soft lips pressing against the other’s. She could feel Harper freezing, as if processing the information she’s just received, but before Evan could pull back and apologize, she was leaning into the kiss, pulling the other even closer.

[jxhnnyvincent]

Writing Prompt

Protective Tom (Requested By @LiaTaylorDae)

The rain in Bullworth was pleasant for some of the students and townspeople, feeling lavished with minuscule droplets that pampered their skin soothingly. The rain’s touch was gentle, a sprinkle of showered raindrops pecking them with soft kisses. It felt like an earthly tranquility, refreshing the people as they inhaled the olfactory telluric scent of the precipitating rain. However, for some of the others they absolutely held a vast disdain for the rainy weather, especially the preppy, fortunate students and the affluent townspeople that inhabited the Bullworth Vale, a whole castle caped with luxury and expensive indulgences. They had been apprehensive and afraid of taking a risky chance of getting their wardrobe grimed with the wet rain. The jocks were also whirled in angst, worried of getting their jerseys mucked with mud all over the fabric by slipping or exercising on the mud-caked football field. There was also a few who simply didn’t care, specifically pertaining to the greasers and nerds, and a couple non-cliques. 

Meanwhile, Sabrina was enjoying herself, relaxing inside of the boys dorm, specifically in Jimmy’s room. She couldn’t help but observe the rain at a pure focus, admiring the rain for what it was worth. The skies were gloomy and a cloudy gray, and although they seemed depressing, Sabrina however felt at ease. 

“Isn’t Tom supposed to pick you up soon?” Jimmy had pondered. The two chums were both sprawled on his bed, aligned opposite of each other. 

“Yeah, in a little bit,” Sabrina answered, craving the palate of nicotine. Perhaps she could ask Ricky to lend her a smoke, but currently she had been lost in her mind. She was in a lazy daze, wishing to not invoke in anything at the moment. 

Jimmy propped himself up on the bed in a sitting position, extending his arms out in a stretch. He gazed at the beautiful female Vincent, slightly envious of Tom for being in a relationship with one of the Bullworth girls that held the finest qualities. She was exquisite in everything and her personality was the sweetest, if one was on her good side. In some terms, she would be arrogant towards one if they were either an arch rival or one who she utterly despises. 

With a flick of his hand, he smoothed out some of the tendrils in his copper hair that was growing in a taper haircut. Throughout the course of the year, his previous buzz cut had conveniently grown, the flock of hair standing in an upright direction. A few of the girls, including Sabrina, had found it quite attractive on him as they had a preference for boys with sprouting locks of hair. It made him look like an actual teenager with his style of hair, making him appear as the young adolescence he was. Not to mention his hair coordinated so immaculately with his rosy cheeks and dollop of freckles, emphasizing his appearance as a natural ginger. 

“What do you do to get rid of stress Sab?” He asked, heaving an exasperated sigh. 

Sabrina shrugged, resting her arms against her chest. “I don’t know, I mean drawing usually works for me when I’m bored. And smoking helps.”

Jimmy frowned, not being one to smoke. Being the typical bad boy he was, he had tried a swing at inhaling a breezer from one of the myriad of stepfathers he had, but was disgusted by the taste and regretted it instantly. Also, he hadn’t been the one to be exactly phenomenal or skilled with the arts either. 

“Damn, those methods don’t really help me.” 

Sabrina furrowed her eyebrows and gaped at him, her chocolate pupils swept with concern. That had been another ideal that Jimmy had admired about her, which was how true she was with her feelings. 

“What are you stressed out about?” She asked, her voice so soft it sent tingling shivers down his spine. 

“It’s those damn jocks, I’m tired of them picking on the weaker kids in school! They think they are all that just because of their oversized pituitary glands.” He clenched his fists tightly, shaking his head in disbelief. He remembered his recent encounter with Ted and Damon, how they were harassing his buddy Pete for nothing at all. Ever since, it fueled his anger and pure resentment towards them more. Sabrina couldn’t respond much, as she was a cheerleader which meant she was partially involved with the jocks herself. 

“Yeah, they suck, especially Damon.” She simply agreed. 

“Aren’t you a cheerleader?” He asked, remembering her position on the squad. He earned a courteous nod from her and was silent for a moment. 

“So,” he began, “what do I do Sab?”

“What do you mean?”

“What do I do to get back at those brainless roid monkeys?” He inquired. 

She bit down on her bottom lip and pondered, thinking of a solution for her friend. The least she could do was help him, assist him as he had helped her with so much. It had been a variety of circumstances he had aided her in, and the one she was grateful for most was helping her brother become stable without the presence of the promiscuous Lola. He had also been there for her as a listener, helping her cope with anything assessed and a strong supporter throughout everything ever since he arrived here. She was truly grateful for their strong friendship, the two kindled in an inseparable bond.  

“I mean, I guess you could ask Earnest for help.” She suggested, hoping it wasn’t a half bad idea. Which in this case, it wasn’t. 

Jimmy raised an eyebrow and rubbed his chin, considering her idea. “Not bad, Sabrina. That’s actually a pretty good idea.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah,” he agreed to it, resorting to this plan, “you know what, I might go pay a visit to him now. I am sure he’s at the library being a typical nerdling as we speak.” 

He sprung up from the bed, determined to plant a vain revenge on those damned jocks who thought themselves as high and mighty just because of their advantage in sports. He was ready to aim fire and fight, prove that just because they weren’t in sports, that they didn’t rule the school. Besides, he was the boss, or will be, and will prove to them they weren’t in charge. 

Seeing that she didn’t make an attempt in joining along, he peered over his shoulder and halted to a pause. 

“Are you coming or what Sabrina?” 

“No,” she decided, gaping at the ceiling, mentally counting the abundant tiles that were scattered all over. She heard the sound of the pampering rain and was eased, immobile. 

Assuming she wanted to wait for Tom to arrive, he didn’t protest. He respected her decisions and began to venture on his way out. 

“See ya later Sab.” 

Now she was alone, remaining in Jimmy’s room. She refused to move, feeling unusually pleasant not being involved in anything at the moment. All she wanted to do was simply relax and see her boyfriend that was planning to pick her up for a date. 

“Well, well, if it isn’t the famous greaser slut.” 

The sound of that familiar, distinctive voice alarmed her, causing her to hop up from Jimmy’s twin sized bed in a jolt. 

“What do you want Gary- oh, I’m sorry, or shall I say, power hungry, manipulative man whore?” 

She earned a resentful, hostile glare from the sudden Smith, provoking her in bitter agony. She didn’t hesitate to return the same glare, the tension rising in the air. Thunder roared from outside, suddenly the rain evolving into a major storm. 

“I see you are in Jimmy’s room, what, you tired of poor Tom cat?” Gary remarked. 

“What are you doing here Gary?” She demanded angrily. 

He threw his hands in front then behind, compressing the palm of his hands against each other. “Oh nothing, just thought I might wander around and see what the two morons are up to on this rainy Sunday afternoon.” 

“You eavesdropping asshole! What did you hear?” 

Gary cackled mischievously and cracked a spiteful grin. “I thought I had mistaken it for explicit, obscene moaning, but turns out it was just two losers talking nonsense.”

“Go to hell Gary!” She cursed, and he sneered. 

“Sorry, but an FYI sweetie, I already went to hell and it’s much pleasant down there than it is in this shithole.” 

Sabrina’s heart was beating rapidly, practically to the point it could of left her chest if possible. She was fuming with the familiar sense of rage, similar to Johnny’s. But it wasn’t remotely offensive, not like his. It was rare to provoke her, sincerely. However, the only one who would managed to do so was Gary. 

“Why do you have to irritate me so much?” She interrogated, her voice faint with defeat. It wasn’t fair how out of the entire female student body, he had only bothered to insult her and treat her negatively. His grin faded, his previous expression that reminded her of the vain and maleficent Joker was subdued. He approached her threateningly, causing her to cower backward towards the wall. 

“Because greaser slut, you are easy to manipulate. You are naive, nothing but an opportunity to for me to walk all over you. You may deny this, but you are gullible! You are a weak girl, having to depend on your brother and Tom for everything you do! You are such a fucking slut, walking around having a boy at your arms to be at your defense. You think you are so slick, with your perfect report card and the entitlement of class president, the class valedictorian, and this, and that! The list goes on, but deep inside you are vulnerable and worthless. You account to your imperfections, honey. You may think you’ve got this, but all in are you are just a little bitch. Just know I’m taking you down, and Hopkins too. You, your brother, everyone you ever loved is going to suffer eventually, just you wait!” He vilified, full of pure agony and equipped with disdain. Although the phrase, “sticks and stones may break ones bones, but words would never hurt them” was applied in everyday modern life, however for the female Vincent it had been another story. Hot tears began to stream down her face, becoming a waterfall. She had felt like the pouring rain, all it’s tears spiraling from the sky slamming down against earth’s surface melodramatically. Her chest dropped inside of her, utterly defeated by his bitter choice of words, his own style of melee attacks. As the tears rolled down, so did she. She collapsed down to the floor, unable to concentrate. Her train of thoughts had seized to nonexistence, as if the railroad had suddenly stopped. Gone, nothing but a dissembled passageway causing the fall of the train. She was trapped in fearfulness, worrisome of this malicious sociopath was capable of. 

Gary stood with a valiant pride, knowing he had defeated the newly distressed girl with his words, foretelling how disparaged she was. She had been shattered so fragile, soaking her tears on the navy shagged texture of Jimmy’s oval shaped rug. 

Thinking he could get away with having the chance of defeating her, he had assumed wrong the moment he turned around. He met up with the sudden Tom Gurney, who has heard the familiar cries of a certain female. He narrowed his eyes once he caught gaze with the manipulative Smith, who handed him a deceitful smirk. Realizing the girl crying in the corner, so vulnerable in defeat was his girlfriend, he rushed to her, kneeling down to her level. 

“Babe! What’s wrong?” He uttered out, enveloping her in his hold for support. Her cries worsened, deepening in uncontrolled sobs. He was quick to realizing she wasn’t able to speak, so he simply held her in his arms, caressing her to his chest. 

She didn’t mind the soggy, damp fabric of his hoodie, instead holding him tighter. 

‘Oh Tom,’ she mused mercifully. 

She needed her prince to come along. Now he was here, worried about her current condition. He worried she was about to have a panic attack, aware of how her anxiety had a tendency of getting the best of her. But he was here, in time for her to relinquish in his arms, alleviating her state of emotional distress.  

When she was at a somewhat calmer, comprehendible state, he had spoke up, disrupting the silence. 

“Babe, what went wrong?” He asked lightly, his voice faint and not levitating louder, fearful it could of disturbed her the wrong way. 

She sniffed, a few tears streaming down her angelic face. “Gary.” 

One word. One name. 

One. 

It was all it took for Tom to figure it out, that it was that son of a bitch who was the specific reason for her breakdown. 

She sank deep into his chest, hearing the mollified sound of his heart palpitating back and forth. Her head was submerged underneath his chin, sensing his anger levitating. She sensed his fury, and not wanting him to risk of getting hurt, she remained close. Like Sabrina, it had taken a lot for him to get angry, but when it came to his friends, his mother, or her, it was a completely different story. 

However, her attempts at refraining him to take drastic measures of possibly hitting Gary ceased to a failure. He pecked her forehead with a delicate kiss and carefully released her from his hold, leaving her at her knees. She gaped up and grabbed him by the arm just as he was about to exit, determined in smacking the life out of this fucking ignorant sociopath. 

“Wait, Tom,” she mumbled, causing him to pause in his tracks. She lifted herself up to her knees and to her feet, with the support of Tom to assist her. He gaped down at her face, his heart shattered as he glimpsed at her sad ridden face. Her olive complexion had been masked over with the tint of salmon, with hickory orbs puffy and swollen with teardrops like rain clouds. Her pupils were melancholy, her expression full of sorrow. This had only raised his determination higher, angered by the fact that someone would be so deranged with the idea that it was okay to hurt his girl. 

Well that bastard was wrong and would regret having done so. 

“I need to teach him a lesson, he hurt you.” He murmured. 

Suddenly he received a coaxed kiss from Sabrina, hoping it would restrain him from getting himself into a hassled showdown with Gary. He didn’t escape from this, as he had needed this kiss from her. She wrapped her arms around him, causing him to be stuck in her hold and trailing off into Sabrina world. Perched on her tippy toes, trying her best to kiss her much taller boyfriend was a common struggle for her. So, like he always did, he lifted her up to where her legs were wrapped around his waistline. She was engulfed towards him, nudging her forehead against his. She repeatedly kissed him, trying her best to put him at ease. Listening to the sound of the rain distilling their ears, completing the peaceful mood. 

Wanting to romanticize this further, he took her to Jimmy’s bed and hauled himself on top of her, craving her captivating essence. She suddenly felt warm as he compressed his body against hers, with his arms wrapped around her stomach while hers were enticed upon his neck. A combination of senses filled her nostrils, the components being the earthly scent of rain, lab chemicals from Jimmy’s lab set, and her boyfriend’s misty cologne. It was oddly a satisfying kind of olfactory, something that made her crave the distinctive scent and inhale it forever. 

The lights were dimmed, the outside was flickering with shards of lightening  zapping in an aimed attack towards earth, the rattling thunder representing earth’s battlecry. It settled the mood for them, allowing their moment to be more special. 

With an extensive arm, he reached over to close the door slightly for privacy. 

Sabrina couldn’t help but giggle throughout the kiss, humored by the choice of setting. Tom’s lips tingled from her adorable laugh, the sound he could hear all day if he could. 

“What are you giggling about?” Tom asked. 

The two lovers gazed into each other’s orbs, both sparkly. They were full of compassion, admiring each other’s significant presence in each other’s lives. 

“Don’t you think it’s weird that we are in Jimmy’s room?” 

“No, what do you wanna do this in my room?” He wondered. 

“No, I guess we can do this here. I just find the setting weird, making out in here.” She admitted, imagining what it would be like if Jimmy had returned from the library and invaded them accidentally. He probably wouldn’t mind, if it had been someone else, it would of been handled much differently. 

“Yeah, you are right,” Tom agreed, but he didn’t care, just wanting to be with his girl nevertheless. “Anyways, let’s continue this..” 

However, one delicate touch on her cerise silky lips and an unfortunate interruption had ceased their moment. 

“Slut!” Gary’s shrill holler erupted from the hallway, angering Tom. He immediately bolted up from the bed and despite Sabrina’s attempts to coax him again, in a swift jolt he approached the irritating bastard. With one hand in the air, he grabbed him by the back of his throat. Forcefully he was spun to meet with Tom, and before he could prevent anything from happening to his poor face, he sent in a grapple. With an elbow angled towards the back, he collided his fist with his gut in a jab. He was plowed to the floor, clenching onto his newly injured rib cage. 

“Ugh... you are gunna pay for this....” he huffed in defeat. 

“That’s what you get for hurting my girlfriend, jerk!” He spat, shifting his leg in the direction of his side, delivering him a sweeping kick. 

Nurse McRae sends her love.

Satisfied with the injury he handed him, Tom crossed his arms and gaped at him in a silent victory. 

“No one messes with Tom, his girlfriend, or his friends!” 

Arriving from behind, Sabrina rested a hand on his shoulder to gain his attention. 

His cornflower blue orbs connected with her hickory eyes, complied with affection. Appreciative of her boyfriend, who deliberately went out of his way of defending her honor stimulated from his protectiveness of her, she pressed her lips against his cheek. She wrapped her arms around his neck and soon her lips eventually travelled to his. 

[aurumacadicus]

For your consideration: More sci-fi nerd Natasha. “Would you like to play a game?” Fuck me I am in love with Nerdtasha. Like, it’s not Steve that asks if Tony can make a flying car; it’s Natasha, and he actually considers making one just for her.

She loves the old movies, like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and The Day the Earth Stood Still. She physically fights for the remote whenever E.T. and The Thing are on TV. Tony gets her premier tickets to each new Star Wars and Jurassic Park movie. Sometimes she even takes him as her plus one. She doesn’t take Steve because he would ask too many questions and ruin the movie for her. She takes Clint except for when he’s healing and then she takes Bruce, who would otherwise wait for the movie to come out on Blu-Ray. And then she drags them out for ice-cream so she can chatter about the story lines and special effects for hours.

Then there are the sci-fi conventions. She’s not very good at “typically female” skills like sewing except for stitching up injuries but she teaches herself how to use an antique Singer that she bought at a thrift shop so she can alter the pinstripe suit she bought to cosplay Dana Skully. She practices on scrap clothing for days before she decides she can take the chance on her suit. It comes out okay. She wishes she’d practiced more. But she gets lots of compliments and when she admits it’s her first cosplay to someone dressed as Buffy, Buffy tells her it’s really great for a first try, and she just needs to keep practicing! Bolstered, Natasha does, and she sends pictures to the Buffy Cosplayer when she’s finished because it looks so much better.

When her Singer breaks, Natasha shame-facedly goes to Tony and says “I know it’s old, but--” and Tony nearly shrieks as he pounces on it. “Oh, honey, you’re beautiful!” he coos. “Someone took great care of you! I’m gonna teach your new mom to take care of you, too.” Natasha is charmed. Because if anyone was ever the embodiment of science fiction, it’s Tony, and watching him work and listening to him explain as he fixes her Singer is adorable, because he keeps talking to the sewing machine like it will answer. (Dum-E taps the Singer with his claw and beeps intermittently. Natasha realizes that maybe Tony does sort of expect the Singer to answer.)

Tony asks her what she was doing when her sewing machine broke because there’s fur inside the machine? And she’s embarrassed, because no one knows this about her--she tries so hard to go unnoticed at cons--but he’s looking at her so kindly that she blurts out, “I was trying to make a tribble.” And Tony laughs and she feels terrible for a moment but then he asks if she’ll please make one for him too. “Maybe after the con,” she says, and then wants to die when he leers at her. “I’m cosplaying a character from Star Trek.“ And she’s so worried he’s going to make fun of her, except he just asks if she’s doing ToS or the new series. She doesn’t know why she ever thought this nerd lord would make fun of her.

Natasha also spends a ton of time on sci-fi message boards blasting sexists and encouraging new nerdlings. She loves seeing new people discover sci-fi, loves nudging them toward the classics before they’re ruined by today’s special effects and recycled plots. She loves ripping apart anyone attacking Bikini Leia and trying to take away the fact that she was a brave, powerful woman even when subjected to a disgusting creature’s fetishes. She loves meeting people from around the world and listening to their opinions colored by the cultures and faiths and learning more about the characters through it. She accepts head canons and throws her own out and is always inordinately pleased when other people accept them as well.

Natasha goes to a con and actually meets Carrie Fisher and cries, but it’s okay because no one recognizes her since she’s dressed as Ellen Ripley from Aliens. She keeps her autographed photo in a safety deposit box, but keeps a copy of it in a frame on her bedside table. And when Carrie Fisher dies she locks herself in her room and watches Star Wars and cries for hours.

Just... more nerdy Natasha please.

[kernel-panic-ua]

Dramatis Personae

THE CABAL

Euphemia Apostolou, a rich socialite and film director of both Hollywood horror schlock and high-art indie flicks. An avatar of the Naked Goddess. She/her.

Aliases: Releases artsy movies as Kismet Tiryaki, and trashy Hollywood slashers as Cecilia Grimaldi

Angel Santiago, an alarmingly attractive trans drag queen and an Eastern-style Cryptomancer. Similarly filthy rich. He/him.

Aliases: Performs as Bathsheba Jezebel.

Zeta, an enthusiast of DIY cybernetic modifications who does not talk about her enigmatic past. She/her.

Aliases: Zeta Reynolds is her name on her documents. “Legal” name isn’t quite correct, considering that every last piece of her documentation is a forgery.

THEIR KITH, KIN, AND COLLEAGUES

Eleni Apostolou, Euphemia’s niece and a talented young violinist. Best friends with Mamicita. She/her.

Mamicita Santiago, Angel’s sister, a tiny nerdling with a head for computers and Eleni’s best friend. She/her.

Javier Santamaria, a confidante of Angel’s and a (justifiably? excessively?) paranoid computer hack- sorry, security expert. He/him.

Samira Al-Aziz, Euphemia’s former academic mentor and current close friend. A piercing critic and a fine artist in her own right.

Lee Young, Angel’s current fling and a fellow drag queen. Ey/em.

Zeta’s girlfriends, with whom she is in a triad:

Saoirse Kennedy, an anxious marine bio grad student who is Zeta’s live in partner. She/her.

Andi Mercury, who prefers to go by their last name, is a tattoo artist with a literature obsession that turned into full-blown Bibliomancy. She/her and they/them.

Children have been known to attach themselves to Zeta as a mother figure, and Zeta is happy to oblige. 

Zell is a mute kid who talks to Zeta by text or in ASL. She/her.

Alex is a kid who is obsessed with chemistry and has occasionally put that knowledge to... well, explosive uses. They/them.

GNOMON

Ada, who originally introduced herself as GNOMON, is a bubbly, mysterious, quasi-omniscient internet friend of Mamicita’s- and now, seemingly the cabal’s. Knows a huge amount about everything but seemingly nothing about herself. She/her.

Detective Michael Fleming, an unflappably polite FBI officer and fulminaturge who is chasing after GNOMON in self-defense: he believes GNOMON to be behind a string of deaths of mystically-aware government employees, and does not believe the rumors he’s heard that GNOMON is an AI. He/him. 

Garrett Tilseck, a well known billionaire, supporter of transhumanist and technological enterprises, and nascent patron of the arts who wants his first client to be indie horror director Kismet Tiryaki. He/him.

UNAFFILIATED WEIRDOS

Julia Velasquez, principal of the private school that Eleni and Mamicita attend. Very concerned with her image and standing. She/her.

Jim Washington, a demon, powerful chaos mage, and scoundrel who was summoned by Fleming to spy on the cabal but who couldn’t resist a bit of magickal trickery while he did so. Possessed Euphemia but briefly, until he was exorcised by Fleming himself. He/him.

Ann Turner, an NYPD cop who has an unpleasant history with Fleming and whom Angel made a truly bad first impression on. She/her.

[nerdle-turdle]

Tumblr is nice because sometimes I need thoughts out of my head and into the world even if no one cares because it helps me stop dwelling over them and I fear it would make people confused if I said them in conversation.

[nerdle-turdle]

I have started classifying days with categories rather than generally. These categories are:

1. Whether it was a good or bad socializing day

2. Whether it was a good or bad talking day

3. Whether it was a good or bad picking day

4. Whether it was a good or bad event-wise day

5. Whether it was a good or bad anxiety day

This is far more effective because having a bad day in any of these can cause me to label it as a bad day overall, even if that isn't the case. Also, talking and socializing is different because when I say talking, sometimes I physically have a hard time talking.

[nerdle-turdle]

My grandma costume is evil. So itchy. So itchy. So itchy. So itchy. So itchy. Sweater? Itchy. Other sweater? Itchy. Other other sweater? Itchy. Stocking? Itchy. Fuzzy socks in boots? Itchy. Skirt waistband? Itchy. Other skirt that's actually a saftey pinned blanket? Itchy. Wig? SO. ITCHY. My makeup? Itchy. Itchy doesn't look like a real word anymore.

[nerdle-turdle]

Honors English I & II vs AP Lang for me has been:

"Oh no, it's Wednesday and this essay is due Friday, and I haven't finished the rough draft."

"Okay, I haven't written a thing, the essay is due first thing tomorrow, and it's 10pm. I've got time."

[nerdle-turdle]

Well. It's tech week and it just came out that our assistant stage manager is racist (AND SELF-DECLARED SO), harassed a black girl in the cast, and is just an terrible person, but he can't get kicked out because there's no way to get a replacement for him so everyone just hates his guts and ignores him.

Also, he said that "All I said was that I was racist, I don't get why it's such a big deal." GIRL WHAAAATT

[nerdle-turdle]

My trick for being optimistic is being incredibly pessimistic for the future. Sure, I want the green back so BAD, but bugs. I fear the bugs. I must relive every time I ever got a tick last year and the panic that ensued a thousand times over, remember the stifling humidity, remember the sun burns, and then remember the bugs again for good measure. See, now I'm happy it's winter. Even if there's snow everywhere and everything is yellow, there are very few bugs.

[nerdle-turdle]

My day today was wake up, take the ACT for four and a half hours, go directly back to class and have to work, come home, do chores, eat food, go to rehearsal and run the entire show, come home, fold laundry, and I'm about to sleep. Despite this busy schedule, I still managed to have many socially awkward moments. I am going to bang my head against the wall.

[nerdle-turdle]

Drama ranting bc this is actually kind of insane. (Also, warning, mentioned attempted suicide and mental hospitals (no details, just mentioned in passing), bad mental states, Trump stuff)

Let's set the scene. It's my sophomore year of high school. I join the soccer team. I don't expect to become best friends with anyone because I'm a weird kid and pretty much everyone is popular.

This one girl, I'm calling her E, is nice to me. Not nice as in we're gonna be friends nice, and I'm slightly wary because of the general vibe she gives off (kinda pick-me popular), but I ignore that bc I am pretty lonely.

A month in, we're doing a scrimmage, and I'm being aggressive, as one is supposed to be in soccer, and was fighting her for the ball. I steal the ball and accidentally step on the front of her foot as I'm doing so. She falls down and freaks out. The next few minutes is kinda muddled together, but the long and short of it is our coaches helped her, the rest of the team kind of gave her space. Apparently, her foot had been hurting for a while now, and my stepping on it messed it up. Obviously, this was completely an accident, and I felt terrible (was crying). Everyone told me that these things just happen, but I still felt horrible. I apologized a million times and she said it was absolutely fine, and I tried my best to make it up to her, and after that I wasn't aggressive in scrimmages because I was worried I'd hurt someone. She couldn't play at two games and and a few practices, but after that she was fine.

Now, you may be thinking, surely this was resolved.

False.

She has a personal vendetta against me the rest of the season, and she is not subtle about it.

She talked trash about me when I was within listening distance and especially when she was in groups of large people, she'd go from being nice to completely ignoring me or being outright rude/getting upset with me at how I would play, would guilt trip me months after the injury occured, ect. We always had to give eachother nice notes before the game that were picked randomly. One time, she got me, and while sitting directly in front of me on the bus, she said really loudly and sarcastically, "WOW, I just LOVE this person." She then proceeded to hand it to me while we were still on the bus. She made fun of my homecoming dress that I made myself, pattern and all, and put literal blood, sweat, and tears into.

This resulted in me being really insecure about my friendships for the entire remainder of the school year, isolation from most of the soccer team, made me constantly worried people hated me no matter how kind they were to me, and resulted in me crying almost every day. So. Safe to say, not the best for my mental health.

She also would constantly post Bible verses about being kind, things about "why are people so fake </3", and Trump propaganda on her Snapchat story.

She also bodyshamed and talked crap about her best friend (who is one of the nicest people I have interacted with ever).

One night, when I was leaving rehearsal with my wife /p, I was explaining to her how I told my friends if I ever died in highschool that they had to fight the school if they tried to sell merch of me (like they did when a kid died last year), then my friends had to make merch of me and make bank off of it, and also that I didn't want anyone who disliked me or who I disliked to make posts about me or act all sad.

I specified this was specifically because of E.

I explained the entire backstory on the way home.

The next day, I realize I left out some stuff, so I tell her in lunch. A guy who sits with us goes "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT E??" and I go "YES." and then he was like "I HATE HER SM."

I talk with my other friend about it, and she says that E did a very similar thing to her, and for a long time she thought she was the problem and it really messed with her.

So, during rehearsal in our free time, me and the formerly mentioned friend get to talking about her. He told me freshman year he had attempted, and got sent to a mental hospital, and that later she told him she wished he had never gotten let out of the mental hospital. Which. Insane thing to say. He also told me that she later switched up and said, "Oh yeah....I tried to get ahold of you...I kept calling you and trying to get in touch with you... :(" He did not tell anyone that he was in a facility until the very end of the school year. No one but him and his family knew.

There was some more stuff about that, but same general stuff.

For legal reasons, we do NOT talk about toilet papering and egging her house, and putting glitter in her car. However, through one way or another, I learned she owned a black jeep. And I go, OH. MY. GOD. and immediately text my dad.

My dad has been complaining about this one jeep someone in our school owns for ages because it has absolutely blinding headlights and he has labeled it "the jeep jerk." He does so regularly, detests whoever owns it, cannot emphasize this enough. And apparently it is E. Full circle moment, felt like something out of a novel.

The very next day at rehearsal, we have five minutes and a girl I haven't interacted with is advertising soccer and says, "Guys, please join soccer next year. We need players desperately and we are all super nice except for this one girl."

And so I go "E???????"

And she goes "YES."

Apparently, pretty much the whole team is trying to get her removed. I volunteered to testify to the coach if needed. A different girl, who was in soccer with me last year was like, "Yeah, didn't she fake an injury and blame it on you last year?"

I clarify she did not fake it, but I am noting this because it shows the reputation she has.

Next day, I'm videocalling with my best friend, updating her, and she tells me that her sister and E are both in basketball, and her sister hates E's guts.

So yeah. That's what happened.

Honorable mentions:

Apparently, one time, her boyfriend and her were having trouble, and she pulls up to the lunch table and goes "Guyyyyyyysssssssss........ I think I'm a lesbian..................." She has only dated guys ever. She immediately dated him again. She supports Trump. I would bet hundreds on it that if she had known I was bi, she would have made fun of me or claimed I had a crush on her.

Second of all, she's in my AP Lang (and has a mix between the most abhorrent and the most that-is-literally-what-the-text-says-and-i-will-act-like-its-very-controversial takes on what we read) and my teacher is so done. She will go "Mrs. S....my legs hurt so much :(....I did SO much running......................" and our teacher is polite but there's undertones of "if I wasn't your teacher and dedicated to being professional I'd tell you to shut the fuck up."

That is my word blurb. Hello, anyone who actually read it, I do not think you exist, but I needed to talk.

[nerdle-turdle]

Sometimes I wonder if I would be less anxious about relationships if my friends were more physically affectionate.