#neopronouns because i like being able to tell people apart when i write | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shaebyrnes · 3 years

Text

Just a little lie

Ships: platonic Anxceit

Janus’s Pov

I sat down with the others waiting for Virgil to speak. He had told us earlier that week that there was something important he wanted to say to everyone. I have to admit, I was very curious. Even though, Virgil and I were quite close, he was still the only person I knew that kept their emotions as guarded as I did. I looked around trying to see if anyone knew what Virgil was about to say, but they all seemed to be as clueless as I was.

-Ok so hum, Virgil started, man this is harder than I thought. I’m just going to go ahead and say it: I’m nonbinary. Like I’m not a man, I’m a demiboy. So like partially male and partially neutral, if that makes sense.

No one said anything since we were all shocked.

-Please say something, he pleaded.

-What pronouns would you like us to use for you, Roman asked while walked towards Virgil and giving him a hug.

-He/him and they/them, Virgil replied hugging him back.

I immediately stood up and embraced my best friend.

-I’m so proud of you, I whispered in their ear.

Everyone soon joined in. We stayed like that until Vee started to feel uncomfortable so they pushed us off and everyone went back their seat to eat dinner. Everyone a part from me. When he came out, it brought back some feelings I had been repressing for a long time.

I went back to my room determined to figure out why my best friend saying they were nonbinary affected me so much. As soon as I entered my room, the truth hit me like a to a bricks: I was nonbinary and I had been suppressing that part of myself for way too long. To be honest, it wasn’t like it surprised me. I had always known that my identity wasn’t fully male. It wasn’t like I was uncomfortable if people called me sir or used he or anything, but part of me also wanted people to use other pronouns as well. In a way, I felt like my identity fluctuated but I was confused as to how exactly. For some reason the thought of questioning my gender was something that scared me. I would have to admit that I wasn’t who I said I was. That I was lying to myself. Which to be honest, shouldn’t be that strange. Right? After all, what else would you expect from the master of deception? It made sense that I would be good at lying. So I decided to do some research because I knew I would go insane if I didn’t. I ended up figuring out that the label that fit what I felt the most was Pangender. As for pronouns, I really wasn’t sure which one to use, so I decided I would try using any to see how I felt. Throughout the next couple of weeks, I slowly got used to feeling comfortable in my identity. I didn’t tell anyone about it though. I was afraid they wouldn’t believe me. Not that I thought any of them would be completely unaccepting, but it was just that they seemed to believe all I could do was lie, that I could never tell the truth. I really wanted to tell someone, anyone really but I was so afraid of their reaction so I just kept it inside.

Jan, Virgil asked sitting on the couch next to me, are you okay?

-I’m fine, I replied. Why are you asking?

-I just feel a lot of anxiety coming from you, they started. So what’s up? You know you can tell me anything right?

I wanted to tell him, but a voice in my head stopped me. Would they be angry at me? Would he think I was just copying them? Even though, I knew Vee wasn’t the type of person to react that way to someone coming out to him, I still couldn’t shake this irrational fear.

-Well, I stated simply, I don’t know where you’re getting that because I’m not anxious at all.

-If you say so, they replied not convinced. Just know I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to.

Then they walked away leaving me to ponder our conversation. I knew he would be accepting of my identity. I mean, they had never been unaccepting of any other parts of me, so why wouldn’t his acceptance also extend to my gender identity? Maybe it was my fear of not being taken seriously because I didn’t have everything figured out yet. That I wouldn’t have an answer if someone asked me what my pronouns were. All I knew was that I didn’t exactly like using any and all pronouns. I wanted one that would encompass all of my identity, but I hadn’t found one that fit me perfectly quite yet. For some reason, figuring that out was really important to me, so I did a lot more research.

I ended up spending more time on my own during the next couple of weeks. All I could seem to do was wallow in my own self pity. Somehow realizing that I was nonbinary didn’t bring me as much joy as you may think it would. On the contrary actually, it only seemed to make me even more ashamed of myself and I wasn’t sure why exactly. Maybe it was because I had always thought that since everyone around me told me I was a man, I had no right to question it. They clearly knew more about me that I did, right? At least that’s what I thought before. At the time, I didn’t know who I was, so I guess when someone told me who they thought I was, I just ran with it because it was easier than taking the time to actually figure out my identity. So in a way, I was glad to finally be allowing myself to explore who I was.

Even though it scared me, I knew I would have to come out to someone at some point. Otherwise, I knew it would prevent me from doing my job well. I couldn’t keep hiding it forever. Doing so would only result in me slowly descending into a pit of self hate until I wouldn’t be able to do the main thing I was created for, which was what I was trying to prevent. “Jeez, I thought to myself, way to be depressing Janus!”

I could feel all my fears come back to the surface of my mind as I knocked on Virgil’s door. “This is it, I thought. You can do it.”

-Jan, they said as he opened his door? What is going on?

-Can I come in, I asked calmly even though I didn’t feel calm at all?

-Sure, he responded leading back to his bed. Are you okay though? You’re very anxious.

I took a sharp breath before speaking.

-Vee, I started, I’m nonbinary.

He didn’t say anything. I told them everything. It took a while but I was glad I did it. When I mentioned my uncertainty about pronouns I wanted to use, Virgil suggested I look into neopronouns. I hadn’t heard of that before so I was interested. He decided to do some research with me at that moment. After spending some time looking at different pronouns, I ended up finding one that I liked a lot: Xe/Xem. As soon as I saw it, it was like everything just clicked. For the first time in a while I felt like I had found something that truly represented me.

-So, Vee asked, do you see any you like?

-Yeah, I answered, I think I like Xe/Xem. Do you think you could try using it in a sentence with my name so I can see how I feel.

-Sure thing, they replied with a smile. Le me just write a little something down.

He took a piece of paper and a pen from his desk and thought a couple seconds before writing something down. They handed it to me but I gave it back. I told him I wanted to hear them say it out loud see what it would feel like to hear someone using use this pronoun for me not in writing.

-This is Janus, he started. xe’s my best friend and has a wonderful personality. That smile of xyrs makes me really happy. I could talk to xem all day even though Xe can be distracted easily. Xe’s a bit of a reserved person but I can honestly say I’m so proud of xem for telling me about xyr identity because I know how hard it was for xem.

I tested to say bit at his words. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to hear that. I couldn’t speak so I just gave them a hug. I felt so lucky to have him in my life. Hearing them use that pronoun for me made me feel so happy. I felt like I had finally figured out who I was. I pulled away after a bit still feeling a bit choked up.

-I, I tried to say but I couldn’t continue. I...

-It’s okay, they said smiling at me. You don’t have to say anything. Just know I’m always here for you no matter what.

We spent the rest of that day watching movies together in his room. In all honesty, I was glad I had told Virgil but I was still apprehensive about how the others would react. Not to mention how Thomas himself would react. Would they be as accepting as Vee? Would they even believe me? They never did seem too pleased anytime I showed up in their side of the mindscape or when I showed up for videos. However, none of them were ever outwardly hateful towards me. Well, a part from Roman giving me some mean spirited nicknames, but those never really affected me much. I just wasn’t sure how they, apart from Virgil and Remus, felt about me.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to come out to everyone. I considered doing it in a similar way to how Virgil did it, but it didn’t exactly feel right. A part of me kind of wanted mention it casually and not make it a big deal, but I also knew that if I did that, I may not be taken seriously. Or at least, not as seriously as I wanted to be taken. So I decided to tell everybody the next time we had a meeting to discuss the next video. That way they would all be there so I could get it over with.

I popped up next to Virgil as everyone was in deep discussion about next week’s video. Vee gave me a small smile acknowledging my presence while I waited for the others to notice me which didn’t take long.

-Deceit, Thomas exclaimed when he turned to talk to Virgil. Why are you here?

He didn’t seem to pleased to see me. Oh well, I had come for a specific reason and was determined to do exactly that.

-Don’t worry, I replied calmly. I’m not here to cause you any harm or anything. I just want to share something.

I looked around and saw that they all looked apprehensive. Well apart from Vee who was giving me a reassuring smile.

-And what night that be, Roman asked?

-I’m nonbinary, I explained. I use Xe/xem pronouns.

I closed my eyes for bit bracing myself for the worst. I still didn’t think they’d be nice about it. Where were the: “ Is this a joke?”, “ Are you lying?”, “Why should we trust you?”? I couldn’t hear anyone say any of these things. Instead, I felt a pair wrap around my waist. Shocked, I opened my eyes and saw that Patton was hugging me.

-I’m glad that you felt comfortable enough to tell us that, he said happily.

I hadn’t realized how much I longed for Patton’s acceptance, so hearing him say that meant more to me than I could ever express.

-What, I asked still a bit shocked, really?

-Yes, Logan confirmed turning to me. If you say that this is your identity, then it is. We would have no right to contest it as I would assume that you probably know yourself better than we do.

-So you don’t think I’m lying, I asked again? Or that I’m copying Virgil? You actually believe me?

-Janus, Thomas answered, of course we believe you. Being nonbinary isn’t something that is reserved for only certain types of people. Besides, even though you may represent Deceit, I doubt you’d lie about something so personal. So yes, I’m completely okay with who you are.

I turned to Roman waiting for his reaction.

-It is my pleasure, he started in an very dramatic voice, to be welcoming another nonbinary royalty to our humble family.

I smiled brightly at his words, silently thanking him. All of it was so Roman that it was perfect.

-Does that mean I still get to called you J-anus or Double Dee, Remus popping behind the TV.

I chuckled a bit at that. Of course that’s what he thought about.

-Yes, I stated smiling at him, Remus. You can call me whatever you want.

I knew that even if I tried to stop him, it wouldn’t work. Not that I minded though. I found it endearing in a way. I was glad that my coming out wasn’t such a big deal to everyone. That seemed to ease a lot of my fears. To be honest, even though I was grateful for it, I was still surprised that they all accepted me so easily. I had spent so much time telling myself that no one would believe me when it came to who I was. It was like I didn’t realize that in reality, the only person I needed to prove my identity to was myself.

#anxceit #ts virgil #ts deceit #anxiety sanders #sanders sides #sympathetic deceit #pangenderdeceit #demiboyvirgil #platonic anxceit

27 notes · View notes