#nearly 1 year later. ive been going thru ut mentally remembering.

[recitedemise]

Before I get on to some replies, I am sat here trying to digest all my thoughts again nearly 1 year after leaving my abusive ex.

And what struck me is how absolutely racist they were and are.

It doesn't escape me that their last two exes (including me) were Asian. It doesn't escape me that they consume a lot of Asian media. It doesn't escape me that, one time, they came to me to vent about their ex before me, upset people said they had an asian fetish when their ex 'was tan and aggressive' when, if they really had an asian fetish, they'd go for a pale and more meek person.

It doesn't escape me that after they would corner both me and their ex before me to absolute mental breaks where we would retaliate with anger that they would call us aggressive abusers. It doesn't escape me that I tried breaking up with them countless times, was begged to stay because 'I was the only thing that made them happy' and that 'they wouldn't know what to do without me'. It doesn't escape me that when we did FINALLY break up because THEY allowed it, they told me that we should break up because 'they can't be with someone with such inordinate anger' when, in my last attempt to break up with them, I tried breaking up for 4 hours. Straight.

The last break up attempt came after they blew up at me and my friends. I was so stressed out with this constant abuse, and them freaking out so royally was too much. They then asked me to go on a trip to see them because it would be good for our relationship. They said I didn't have to, though, and because I wasn't ready to see them after everything, all the crying, all the breaking down in parking lots, all the driving lost and in tears and sitting on the side of a highway for hours just wailing, I said no. I'm not ready.

They then got so upset and kept going 'well, you went to see your other friends. I don't come down there that often. I came to see you when I was upset. I was really looking forward to this. If you don't want to go, then you don't. I don't need you there to bring down the mood.' They said they weren't guilt tripping me, by the way.

Fed up, I finally had enough. I said we're breaking up. It isn't my first time wanting to break up either because I would constantly capitulate when they crossed my boundaries and ignored my discomfort and desires. But I would capitulate because they NEVER took no for an answer, and I was too weak to stand my ground, and I would always just want the talking to end. I was consistently overstimulated and gave up.

So. I tried breaking up one last time, and again: distress.

4 hours of me saying 'I want to break up. That's final.'

4 hours of them going 'no, please. Why? I'm so confused. I wasn't guilt tripping you. I don't know where you see that?'

4 hours of them going 'please stay with me. Please water the seeds of our love.'

4 hours of calls and constant texts.

4 hours of them going 'I know you love me still somewhere. You used to love me. You can learn to love me again.'

4 hours where they wrote me letters and sent them to me during their therapy session.

4 hours of never listening to me when I said 'I think I feel better/healthier away from you.'

4 hours of them telling me they thought I was in therapy and that I have to keep going to love them again. Ignoring the fact that I was in therapy primarily because of my distress being in this relationship. Them denying the possibility that my health, I realized, was better without them, and them refusing to allow me that space.

4 hours of repeatedly disrespecting my desires and boundaries for their own comfort.

4 hours where I finally blew up and called them stupid and annoying, something they threw back at me as proof of my 'inordinate anger' when they finally agreed to the break up 3 DAYS LATER.

Yeah. I guess Asians are all docile and sweet. They just happened to end up with the two that weren't. I say this all very sarcastically, but how unfortunate.

And after all that, they told their friend, who later came to me saying they were trying to do a nice and good thing for us with which I blew up at and that I was exceptionally cruel.

Okay. I guess good people just suck it up always, huh, and have no boundaries ever? I shoulda been super sweet and did whatever they wanted for the millionth time at the cost of my own sanity. Why not! I'm disposable in comparison, after all! Sucks I missed the memo!